Eddie: Hello, Mr. Cleaver, Sir. I didn't say June Bug. I said I could use a hug. Are you up for one, Mr. Cleaver? (Eddie stands and approaches Ward.)

Ward: Um, let me go shower and I'll be back. I sweated a lot at the office and I need to freshen up. Please excuse me.

June: Eddie Bear, you are quick, I will give you that! Now let's get down to business before Mr. Snoopy Man returns. What else can you tell me about Agnes?

Eddie: Well, just like me, she's allergic to mayonnaise. I think I got that from her side of the family. She has heartburn a lot. She's always taking Tums.

June: Now how can we translate that into action?

Eddie: Mayonnaise would be easy if I put some in her potato salad. She makes that a lot because she's not that talented like you, June.

June: You are so sweet, Honey Lamb. And the Tums is interesting. You could spike that with something just to teach her a lesson and she'd never have to know. Unless you don't want to, of course. This is your project, Eddie. We won't care what you choose to do. Can I pour you a nice tall glass of chocolate milk and hand you a slice of chocolate cake while you think it over?

Eddie: Sure, Junie! Just don't put anything in the milk besides the chocolate!

And you gave me an idea--why not thinly spread some mayo on her Tums? I can't be near the stuff, but I could swap one of her bottles, bring it over here, and maybe you could help by smearing the pills? I think she has a quarter-filled bottle.

(June has a mini tape recorder in the cookie drawer and starts it while Eddie's back is turned) June: Could you repeat that, Eddie dear? I was distracted.

(Eddie repeats and then she turns off the recorder)

June: Okay, Eddie, bring the bottle over and we'll see what we can do.

Wally enters and Eddie says he has to leave and exits.

Wally: Hey, Mom, I hung that blouse back in Agnes' closet so hopefully she decides to wear it soon. What has been going on over here? What did Eddie say?

Beaver enters.

Beaver: Hey, Mom. Hey, Wally. Guess what I did? I stole Gilbert's favorite jacket. I didn't really steal it because I'm going to put it back later. But I saw a TV show last night and it was all about this guy who was gaslighting another guy and I learned stuff. I'm going to drive Gilbert crazy by taking his stuff and then putting it back other places so he'll think he's losing his marbles. It's easy but fun, what do you guys think?

June: Me like.

Wally: I'm glad I'm on your side. Both of you.

June: Wally, at some point get another garment of Agneses'. We need to put Raggedy Ann back in action. Also we'll want reports from Eddie as to how the itching powder is working.

Beaver: I'll do some peeking in windows over there. I'll bring Dad's movie camera and get something on film.

June and Wally stare at Beaver.

June: Beaver, you are brilliant! I never would have thought of using a camera!

Wally: Yeah, Beav. I'm proud to be your brother!

June: I'm anxious to hear Eddie's report on Agnes and the blouse. I hope it drives her mad.

The phone rings.

Wally: Yes? Eddie, slow down. What happened? Okay, come over here and tell us everything. Hurry.

Wally hangs up the phone.

Wally: Oh, man. You won't believe this. Eddie was able to sneak some mayonnaise into a snack Agnes was having with her afternoon bourbon and tea. And she had to go to the hospital to have her stomach pumped! Can you believe it? Eddie is coming over here now. Mr. Haskell is out of town on business so now it's just Eddie in the house and he's loving it. (laughs)

June: And I'm loving it too! Wally, see if you can stop the Beaver before he leaves. Everybody needs to hear the full story on Agnes. She probably hasn't even put on the blouse yet. That comes later.

This is almost as good as...oh, never mind. To think, I was about to say something good about Ward.

Wally: Gee, Mom, there are children in the room. Try to keep it clean. Just kidding. Ha! I think we boys can handle it.

Beaver: What is going on with Eddie's mom?

June: Eddie put mayonnaise on her snack and she got sick and is in the hospital. Eddie is coming over to fill us in on all the juicy details. We'll make it a party. Wally, can you get out the ice cream? I bought Peppermint, it's one of Eddie's favorite flavors.

June: Beaver, go over to the Haskells' and see if you run into Eddie coming here. Get a key from him and get some garment of Agneses. We nned to do some voodoo on her. It's time to give her the needle!

Talk about piling on, tee hee!

Beaver goes over to the Haskells and encounters a busy body neighbor.

Beaver: Oh, hello, Mrs. Cravitz. I was just looking for Eddie. He lost something and I wanted to return it.

Mrs. Cravitz: Now Theodore, I just saw Eddie in the backyard. He was looking for something in the shed. I'm not one to pry, but what did he lose?

Beaver: He lost a set of keys. He dropped them and I picked them up. I'll go return them. He's in the shed, you say?

(Beaver goes to the shed, and Eddie comes out; they go back in.)

Eddie: I heard that--pretty quick thinkin'. I'm impressed--there's hope for you yet.

Beaver (lowers his voice): I hear you put your mother in the hospital.

(Mrs. Cravitz is outside, trying to hear.)

Eddie: Keep your voice down. (They both go outside and encounter Mrs. Cravitz.) Hello, Mrs. Cravitz. If you came to see my mother, we've taken her to the hospital. I think she has a case of food poisoning.

Mrs. C. (suspicious): Really? I wonder where she got that.

Eddie: We went to the Chuckwagon yesterday and had doggie burgers. We think that something was bad.

Mrs. C.: (doubtful): Oh, yes, it probably was. Theodore, what are you doing here? Agnes tells me there is a restraining order against all the Cleavers.

Beaver: It was all a big mixup. When the policeman came over the other day, Eddie was at our house. He saw that it made no sense, and there was no record of one anyway.

Mrs. C.: (still suspicious) Isn't that interesting. Eddie, I'll have to visit your mother. In the meantime, I'll keep an eye on things around here. Anyway, Theodore, you never answered my question.

Eddie: He came over to get my mother's dress. She slopped on it when she got sick, and our washer is out of order.

Mrs. C.: Oh, yes, sure. Did you get the keys, Eddie?

Eddie: Keys? Oh yes, the keys. Uh-huh.

Eddie and Beaver walk away from Mrs. Cravitz and go back into the house.

Eddie: Gee, that Mrs. Cravitz is a real snoop. We might have to do something to her to shut her up. She is going to squeal on everything she sees going on!

Beaver: I know. I need another voodoo doll for that old cow. Get your keys and let's go. Oh, and grab a dress or two from the closet.

Eddie (comes back downstairs): Look what I found other than mom's dress: a scarf of Mrs. Cravitz's. My mom borrowed it a few weeks ago.

Beaver: Beautiful!

(scene shifts to the hospital)

Mrs. C: Hello, Agnes. I brought you some flowers.

Agnes: Oh, hello, Gladys. They pumped my stomach. I guess I had food poisoning.

Mrs. C: What a shame.

Agnes: There are strange things going on, Gladys. It all started when Eddie was sick for awhile and ended up in the hospital. And now, me. I think June Cleaver is behind all of it, somehow.

Mrs. C: Didn't you say you had a restraining order?

Agnes: Oh, the cops say they can't find it. They act like they think I'm nuts.

Gladys: There is something very shady going down at your house, Aggie. I don't want to alarm you but that Beaver boy is getting awfully chummy with your Edward. It seems strange because they didn't used to get along. Why do you think June is behind things?

Agnes: She is a creepy woman. Sometimes when she thinks nobody is looking at her, I glance over and see sadistic smirks on her face. She has it in for me, I just know it. And I think she sweet talked that policeman who was supposed to be on my side. She is wicked, that woman. Help me, Gladys. How can we prove it?

Gladys: I've had my share of not being believed, and it won't be easy.

Agnes: Beaver and Eddie--hmmm. Beaver is older now, but I still can't see Eddie and him hanging together. I can't imagine why he would be at our house.

Gladys: They were going to wash your dress at the Cleavers' because your washer is broken.

Agnes: What? Dress? What dress? And our washer is working fine.

Gladys: It is? My stars! That's what the boys told me, that your washing machine was broken so they were going to take a couple of dresses of yours to the Cleaver house to wash. I thought it was kind of strange.

Agnes: Can you do me a favor, Gladys? Can you go over to the Cleavers and try to figure out if anything strange is going on over there?

Gladys: Sure, Dear. I'll go right now. I'd love to find out what June and those boys are up to!

(Beaver and Eddie have hightailed back to the Cleaver house, and are about to enter.)

Eddie: I don't think Mrs. Cravitz bought anything we were telling her. She probably went right over to visit my mother and the old bags poked holes in what we said.

Beaver (as they enter): MOM!!

June: Yes dear? Hello, Eddie bear.

(Beaver fills June in.)

June: WALLY!

(Wally enters.)

June: This Mrs. C. is trouble with a capital T. She's a well-known snoop, and she'll probably be peering in windows any time. So, normal Cleaver life for the next several days. All exterior doors locked at all times.

Remember, these people are amateurs and aren't too bright. So just be cool and everything will be fine. Also, if we know she's watching, we can stage little plays for her benefit. So, Eddie, if you happen to be here, drop some lie about your mother if the mood hits you.

Oh, outwitting these old bags will be fun! I enjoy a good challenge.

Gladys sidles up to a low window at the Cleaver house and peers in and listens.

Eddie noticed and says, loudly: It is a darn shame my mother is in the hospital. I hate to say it but her having bourbon in her breakfast tea so early in the morning probably is not good for her digestion, don't you agree, Mrs. Cleaver?

June: Oh, my, yes, Eddie. I don't think mixing bourbon and tea and then eating a rich snack would agree with anyone Agnes' age. She's got to be close to 55 by now, the poor sickly old dear.

Gladys listens and gapes in amused shock. And then she stumbles on a pebble and makes a noise.

June opens the door. Is anybody out there?

Gladys: Oh,it's just me, Gladys Cravitz. I just was stopping by to see if you knew Agnes Haskell is in the hospital.

June: Oh, yes, her son is here and we were just talking about it. Such a shame. Have you seen her? Would you like to come in for some iced tea, or maybe coffee?

Gladys: Well, thank you, Mrs. Cleaver.

June: Please, call me June. Edward, would you get Mrs. Cravitz --

Gladys: Gladys.

June: -- Gladys, some iced tea from the pitcher in the fridge? Have a seat, Gladys.

Gladys: Thank you. Yes, I was just there about an hour ago. She seems to be quite agitated, and frankly a little delusional.

June: Hospitals can sometimes have that effect. It's too bad. I hope she improves, poor thing.

Gladys: So, Edward, you mother mentioned something about her stained dress.

Eddie: Yes, Mrs. Cravitz, her dress was stained and we brought it over here to wash.

Gladys (testing): She mentioned it was stained when she dropped some salsa on it.

Eddie (looking puzzled): Oh, no, we went to the Chuckwagon the other night. She had an accidental spill there, and we think she got food poisoning there, too.

June: Yes, Edward, when George called looking for you the other day, he mentioned that, also. And that your washer is out of order.

Gladys (looking perturbed): Well, thank you for the tea and the hospitality. I must be going.
(she exits, and Eddie watches her go out the walk.)

(June gives a thums up.)

Eddie: Oh, this was beautiful! What'll we do next?

June: That Gladys is such a busy body. My goodness! Agnes must have sent her over here to spy on us.

Eddie: I saw she was out there snooping around so that's why I said all that stuff I did about Mother.

June: I hope she goes back and tells Agnes I said she is 55 years old. That will serve that old cow right! (titters gently)

Eddie: Do you think she'll be back?

June: She plays the same game we do. She thought she was playing us, and it appeared we played her.

But we must be on our guard. 50-50 chance she'll be back.

Eddie: So do we lay low for a few days, or do something else?

June: You visit your mother and find a way to bug her hospital room. We need to hear the next conversation between Agnes anf Gladys.

Eddie: I just remembered my father has a mini tape recorder. He keeps it in his den because he sometimes gets ideas for his job and says stuff into it to remember for later. I'll use that and plant it in my mother's room so we can see what she has been saying.

June: That is just wonderful, Eddie Bear. You're so smart to think of that and it's a good thing your father has such a modern gadget that we can use.

Beaver enters and says: Hi, guys! Well, Gilbert is going crazy because he can't figure out where he left his jacket and his parents are so furious with him that he lost it, they're grounding him for two weeks. So I won't have to see him for that long. It's working out great. Gaslighting is the bomb!

June: The bomb?

Beaver: It's a new word. Or I might just have thought it up myself. It means it's really great!

June: You sound like you're channeling the future.

Beaver: Channeling?

June: Let's just let it rest. We still have two dolls, don't we?

Beaver: Yes, Mom.

June: And we have the jacket from Gilbert, based on what you're saying. And I'll tell you, we have Agnes Haskell's dress. Just making sure we have all our ducks in a row.

Beaver: Why are we talkin' about ducks?

June: Beaver, you still have some growing up to do.

(Meanwhile, Eddie returns home to get the mini recorder, but he notices Gladys has snuck out of her house when she sees him approaching. He ponders what he can do to gaslight her.)

Eddie decides to let Gladys approach his house while he stealthily sneaks out the back door. He quietly dashes over to Gladys's house and goes in the back door which he knew Gladys would leave unlocked. He spots an apron in the kitchen and grabs it and runs back out the door and over to the Cleaver house. He'll have to get the tape recorder later.

Eddie runs in out of breath: Hey, look what I got! It's Gladys' apron! Can you even believe it? She was coming over to spy on me so I gave her the ol' slipperoo and sneaked over to her house and lo and behold, her apron was right there. I didn't even have time to think, I just snitched it and ran. (laughing breathlessly) I'll go back later to get the tape recorder. I hope I did the right thing, Junie?

June: This just keeps getting better and better.

You're way smarter than I ever gave you credit for.

Eddie: Back at cha, Mrs. C.

June: Excuse me?

Eddie: Same to you. You, too.

June: I'll call Mrs. Cravitz, tell how much I enjoyed it when she stopped by the other day, and invite her over again. If she accepts, you can safely get the mini tapee while she's here. Maybe while the two witches are comparing notes in the hospital room, we can do a little voodoo on both of them. That ought to be fun, and we'll have their squeals on tape.

Eddie: Wonderful plan, June Bug! I'm in. All in! Catch you later! He exits.

June on the phone: Gladys? Hi, Sweetheart! I had such an enjoyable time visiting with you the other day, I thought it would be lovely if you came over for an early cup of afternoon tea. Would you come?

Gladys accepts and June hangs up the phone and laughs uproariously.

June (trying to recover her composure): Oh wow! She'll be over in an hour or so. Now, Eddie--we have to play this carefully. She may have a backup snoop--do you know if there's another nosy witch near your house?

Eddie: Yes, she's pretty tight with Mrs. Clara Edwards. I know her, too--and together they know everything that goes on--I'll scout things out. In case she's around I'll have a pie from Boysinger's Bakery in a big box, and put the recorder under the pie pan. What's your favorite pie, Junie?

June: Lemon Meringue. Eddie, you really cover all the bases!

A knock is heard at the door. June answers it.

Clara Edwards: Good afternoon, June! I hope I'm not being too intrusive but I wanted to run something by you. May I come in?

June: Yes, certainly. Would you like a cup of decaf or maybe some tea and crumpets?

Clara: Decaf sounds perfect. You know I get the jitters if I drink coffee after lunchtime. Thanks, June. Now between you, me, and the coffee table (June rolls her eyes behind Clara's back at that.) something strange has been going on over at the Haskell house. Beaver and Eddie were sneaking around. Why would your Beaver sneak around with Agnes' older boy? I know it's none of my business but I really would like to know if everything is okay. I'm so worried about Agnes being hospitalized. Do you have any idea why she would have gotten so sick over a small snack?

June: Here's your decaf, dear. As I understand it, Beaver found Eddie's keys that he dropped over here, when he was visiting the other day. Fortunately Eddie's name was on the keyring. But, my, the sneaking around part sounds like a concern. Excuse me a moment while I call Beaver?

Clara: Certainly.

June! Beaver! (after a moment, he enters. June parrots what she has told Clara so far.)
So, to Mrs. Edwards, it looked as though Eddie was sneaking around.

Beaver: When I walked up with the keys, it did look like he was sneaking around the shed. He told me he was just looking for a spare key to get in the house, because by then he realized he didn't have the keyring. I went in the shed because he was looking in there--it's not locked--and gave him back his keyring.

June: When Mrs. Cravitz was over here yesterday, or sometime, she told me it was strange that you and Eddie were together, since it's kind of known you don't like him. So, really, all you were doing was giving him his keys?

Beaver: That's right.

June: Thank you, dear.

Beaver: You're welcome. Nice to see you again, Mrs. Edwards.

Clara: Thank you, Theodore. And thank you for explaining.

June: By the way, Clara, Gladys is coming over, too. I know you're close friends. It will be nice to get together.

Clara: I am just so concerned about Agnes.

June: We all are. We asked Eddie to come to dinner, since George is out of town on business, in addition to Agnes being gone. He is picking up a pie for dessert and will be here soon, probably. Perhaps he can clarify what happened to Agnes.

Eddie enters the kitchen with a boxed pie.

Eddie: Oh, hello, Mrs. Edwards. Hello, Mrs. Cleaver. (He makes an eye movement to indicate what's in the pie box.) June picks up on it.

June: Well, Eddie, why don't you sit with us ladies and tell us how your mother is feeling.

Eddie: She's a little better I guess. The doctors want to keep her for one more night because she was complaining of back pain. I told her not to lift anything heavy but she insisted on carrying in a large box from the shed the other day and she hurt her back. She said she was looking for something of value.

Clara, clearly intrigued by this tidbit: Agnes thinks there is something of value in the shed and she's looking for it?

Eddie: Yes, I'm afraid she could be delusional. I hate to reveal this in case you aren't aware, but my mother has a drinking problem. Bourbon is her poison. She got this idea into her head that there is a box of gold coins or silver coins in the shed. She's been sending me out there all the time to look for it. It's been exhausting.

Clara: My heavens! I had no idea!

Clara: Well, I must be off. Eddie, I'm glad your mother will be out tomorrow. (She prepares to leave.)

June: It was so good to see you.

(As she steps in the doorway Gladys is arriving.)

Gladys: Clara! Imagine meeting you here.

Clara (thinking quickly): Oh, Gladys! I think June is about to prepare dinner.

Gladys (taking the hint): Oh, I was delayed. June, perhaps I can stop over another day???

June: Of course. We've had a nice visit with Clara.

Gladys: Good! Clara and I will walk home together. (They depart.)

June: Old biddies. Eddie, you were wonderful. That'll give them talking material for the next 24 hours. They both think Aggie is an inveterate lush.

They'll both probably go right over and visit her. Eddie, do you think you can hotfoot it and get there before them? We really need that bug planted.

Eddie: Consider it done, my sweet. I mean, Mrs. Cleaver. He dashes out the door.

Eddie arrives at the hospital. He goes into his sleeping mother's room and gets the tape recorder all ready and in just a few minutes, the gossiping women arrive and Eddie sneaks out the back way via the bathroom connected to another room.

Gladys and Clara enter the room.

Clara: I just cannot believe that Agnes's drinking has gotten so out of hand she's hallucinating boxes of gold and silver coins in their shed!

Gladys: I know, it is truly astounding to me. But that does explain why Eddie was sort of sneaking around the shed. He probably feels awkward trying to appease his mother.

Agnes stirs in the bed and sees she has visitors.

Gladys: How are you feeling, you poor thing? We're here to cheer you up!

Agnes: Oh, glad to see you ladies! I don't fell too well.

Clara (low, aside to Gladys): She's still hung over.

Gladys: You poor thing. Maybe you need to go into rehab.

Agnes: Rehab? For food poisoning? And right now my back is killing me.

Gladys: Oh, uh, that's what I meant. Maybe you will have trouble walking. And, yes, Eddie told us about the food poisoning. Maybe you should stay away from doggie burgers.

Agnes: Am i in an episode of The Twilight Zone? Or maybe Candid Camera. Allen? C'mon out.

Clara: Well, we can see you're still agitated. We hope you start to feel better soon.

Gladys: Yes, dear. We'll be back soon.

Agnes (mumbles to herself): They sure are acting strange.

(outside) Gladys: She sure is acting strange. (Clara nods.)

June: Let's get Agnes' doll ready to stick some pins in her! We need her to stay in the hospital because Eddie Bear loves having the house to himself.

Wally: Okay, I'll run up and get her doll and the dress. I'll get a pin from your jewelry box to stick her with.

June: This is going to be fun.

Meanwhile, back at the hospital....a nurse walks into Agnes' room.

Nurse: Are you feeling better, Mrs. Haskell?

Agnes: Well, not really. My stomach feels better but my back is hurt...ouch! Ouch!!

Nurse: What is wrong?

Agnes: It feels like I'm being stuck with a pin in my back! OUCH! The nurse is stunned and runs out to call another nurse in to witness this.

(At the Cleaver house, Eddie comes in.)

Eddie: I was just at the hospital, and mom was dozing. I got the bug and mini tapee.

(The "gang" listens to the tape and gets some yucks.)

Eddie: Her back hurts. I assume we have a pin stuck in the doll.

Beaver: Yeah. Right now it's just barely in, like around an eighth of an inch.

Eddie: When I was there she woke up suddenly; I was barely able to get out with the recorder. The nurses don't know what's going on. I couldn't help but laugh out loud once I got outside.

June: That tape is priceless. I knew those busybodies would run right over there. And they both think Agnes is looney tunes. You know, Eddie, if you could get one of her hospital gowns, we could do the itching powder bit again.

Eddie: (laughs) I love that idea. I'm going right now, I can't wait to get started on this one! He exits.

The phone rings and June answers it. Oh, hello, Georgie! Why are you calling? Oh, about Aggie? I heard she's doing a bit better. Gladys and Clara had a nice visit I heard and Eddie is going over now. I plan to go later this evening before visiting hours close. Yes, I will let you know. Don't worry about a thing, Georgie Boy. The boys and I got this covered. Stay over as long as you need to, it's good for you to keep busy at work so you can keep your mind off Aggie. She might need to do a stint in rehab you know? She's hitting the sauce hard again. (sighs)

Eddie arrives at the hospital, and visits Agnes.

Eddie: Hi, Mom!

Agnes: Oh, heavens! What do you want, Edward?

Eddie: Nice to see you, too. I just thought I'd say hallo. Most of the time when I come over, you're sleeping.

Aggie: Well, I'm awake now. My back is hurting too much to sleep. Kind of a stabbing pain.

Eddie stifles a laugh: What a shame. How is Mrs. Clark, there? I see she's sleeping.

Aggie: Martha? Oh, she's on the mend. If you recall, she had her gall bladder out.

Eddie: You look thirsty. Would you like a glass of water? I see your cup is empty.

Aggie: That would be nice.

Eddie grabs the cup and goes into the bathroom. He spots a clothes hamper in there, and finds a gown marked Haskell, and stuffs it under his jacket. He fills the cup.

Eddie: Here you are. Well, I must be leaving. Have you heard from Dad?

Aggie: No, as far as I know, he's still in Cincinnati. Anyway, thanks for the long visit. Edward, are you gaining weight?

Eddie: Maybe a little. Mrs. Cleaver fixes excellent meals. I brought a lemon meringue pie over there for dessert last night. From the bakery.

Aggie: Oh. Be careful over there. Strange things going on, i think.

Eddie: I haven't noticed anything. Thanks loads for the warning.

Aggie: You're welcome.

Martha (awakening groggily): Emmett, is that you?

Eddie: No, Mrs. Clark, it's me, Edward Haskell. He exits.

He mumbles: Old bats.

Martha: Agnes, your boy is so thoughtful to visit you. My Emmett is too busy down at his fix-it shop to visit his poor wife. (sighs heavily)

Agnes: Well, he's okay I guess. I really wanted a daughter. I would have named her Edith. But you can't always get what you want. They should write a song about that.

Suddenly Agnes shouts out in pain. OH, NO! My back! It's as if a pin is being shoved in it! Make it stop! Martha, call the nurse for me, please! Shrieking continues until a nurse comes in.

Nurse: What's wrong, Mrs. Haskell?

Martha: It's her back. She's says she feels like a pin is being stuck in her back!

The nurse checks her chart. Nurse: She is recovering from food poisoning.

Martha: I've been in here for a couple of days. She has complained of back pain, but nothing like this.

Agnes: It's a little better now. It felt like I was being stabbed by ... well, a hat pin.

Nurse: Calm down, Mrs. Haskell. I'm going to give you a sedative. (Agnes falls asleep.) Mrs. Clark, I'm going to talk to the doctor. This is the strangest thing I've ever come across.

Back at the Cleaver house --

Beaver: I just gave Aggie a real poke in the back.

June (with the evil grin): Good, dear. Let's let up for awhile. We'll let her think she's feeling better. Then Eddie can bring the gown back and give her a dose of itching powder.

Eddie arrives at the Cleaver kitchen. Hey, Cleavers! Boy, what a rush! This messing with Momsy is really groovy! I'm digging it, you dig?

June: What?

Beaver: Oh, it's just some hip new teen talk Eddie learned downtown in his spare time. He means he loves sticking it literally (laughs) to his mother.

Eddie: I hate to ask, Junie, but we need to wash this hospital gown. I can sprinkle itching powder on it later.

June: Just throw it in with the rest of the laundry, dear. Is her name in it?

Eddie: Yes, conveniently--it looks like a temporary tag. I can slip the gown in with her clean laundry so she'll be sure to get it, and no one can associate it with us.

June: Let's not lose sight of Gilbert. What's going on with him, Beaver?

Beaver: I went over there today to ask his mother how he was. He's still grounded from losing his jacket but she let him come out on the porch for five minutes to talk to me. He was crying. It was awkward. But I'm going to put the jacket up in his tree house and when he is ungrounded and finds it it's going to be a riot!

June: That sounds like harmless fun. Maybe we should try hiding something of Clara's and see if we can drive her crazy too. Eddie, later maybe you can swing by Clara's and see what you can do?

Eddie: I would love nothing more, June Bug.

Beaver rolls his eyes.

June: Speaking of harmless fun, along with the itching powder for Agnes, I was thinking of some sneezing powder to accompany it. If she wears any powdery type makeup, maybe the sneezing powder could be mixed with it. She'd be itching and sneezing at the same time!

What do you think, Eddie bear? Too much?

I was laughing just picturing it.

Eddie: It's genius, Junie. Pure genius!

Beaver rolls his eyes and exits. Wally enters.

Wally: Hey guys, what's on the agenda for today? Pins and needles, or needles and pins? (chuckles)

Beaver talks to Wally later, alone

Beaver: You remember we made a pact awhile ago? Let me refresh your memory. I was going to ditch Gilbert, and YOU were going to ditch Eddie. I'm working on Gilbert, but I see you and Mom putting in a lot of effort on Eddie's mom. But suddenly we're all OK with Eddie? Well, we're NOT all OK with Eddie.

Wally: Gee, Beav. Here's the deal. Mom is the boss of us. She is the ring leader. If she wants to coddle Eddie to stick it to her enemies like Agnes, we have to follow her command. If you start going against her, she will force you to eat Brussels Sprouts until you puke. Do you hear me?

Beaver: Okay, Wally, okay. I forgot about that vile weed vegetable. I'll go along. But one day, mark my words, I'm going to get that Eddie Haskell, but good!

Wally: I hear you, Beav. But let's lay low and do Mom's bidding for now. We're learning the ropes from her and we can use this knowledge to get Eddie one day. Keep the faith. We'll get there, Bro!

June calls out: Boys! Don't dawdle! Come down here; we've got work to do! And bring me a thick needle!

Beaver (talking low): Part of the problem is I think she wavers back and forth between hating Eddie and liking him. Not just liking him, but REALLY liking him. Girl/guy stuff.

So she likes, REALLY likes him now, but he might do something to tick her off. Then she sends him to the hospital.

What happens if you or I tick her off?

Wally: Now you get it. You don't want to know. It could be way worse than Brussels sprouts.

Beaver: To her own flesh and blood?

Wally: That's why I play along. I value my life. I don't want to find out how far she could go. Study that evil look, and don't mess with it.

Beaver: Thanks for the warning, Wally. We have to be on our best behavior at all times. I'm going to grab a thick needle from Mom's sewing basket. I wonder who she's going to stick next? As long as it's not you or me, we're golden.

Wally: Mom, we're coming!

June: Hurry, boys! My next plan is to die for. (giggles)

Beaver: OK, Mom, I've got the longest hatpin you own. What's cookin'?

June: Cooking? There isn't anything on the stove at the moment.

Wally: He means, what are the plans.

June: In a few years I plan to take a course on speaking something called jive--I may need that for a movie part--but I may need a course on "Beaver speak," too.

Wally: Oh, I'm glad you haven't given up on the idea of pursuing acting.

June: Well, I might be in a movie with--get this--Lloyd Bridges! I just loved him in "Sea Hunt." I could share a snorkel with him anytime! Ugh! I just had a depressing thought. Your father and Fred will be back from their convention in about a week.

Beaver: That reminds me, wasn't Mr. Rutherford on the hit list? Maybe Wally and I could do the barrel hoops thing again. We could capture it on a Polaroid movie camera this time.

June: I think Fred has a thing for me. (rolling her eyes) That makes me like him a tiny bit though. You know something that would be funny is to exchange some of Lumpy's clothes for either larger or smaller sizes and that way he'll think he's either gaining weight or losing weight. But we'd have to shell out money to buy clothes. I guess we could rummage around a thrift store and find things. It's sort of a minor idea of mine. We'll talk about it later.

Wally: Well, who are you going to stick with this hatpin?

June: I think I'm going to stick Aggie again because I don't want her coming home just yet. We need to do some things in her house. I think we should work on gaslighting her. We should move the furniture and say she asked for it to be done. George will have a fit when he comes home.

Wally: Good ideas, all of them. I'm going to stick this pin in that witch's eye! I'm sort of in a bad mood and I want someone to pay. (shoving the pin into the doll's eye) But I don't want her to go blind or anything. I'm not a monster. Am I Mother?

June: No, you're doing good, baby!

At the hospital:

Agnes: AAAAAAAAH! My eye! (she buzzes the nurse)

Martha: Agnes, your eye? Not your back anymore?

Nurse (irritated): What is it this time?

Agnes: My EYE is KILLING me!

Martha (low, to the nurse): Yes, now it's her eye. (she makes the nut-so twirling finger motion).

Nurse (to Martha, low): Her elevator clearly doesn't go to the top floor. (to Agnes) Here, I'll administer a sedative. Stick out your arm.

Agnes (low): I'm gonna get you for this, June Cleaver!

Martha: What? June Cleaver? She hasn't even been in here.

LOL^

Beaver and Gilbert walk with ice cream cones.

Gilbert: Beaver, this is my first ice cream cone in two weeks. I was going crazy. On the last day of being grounded my father took pity on me and let me go sit in my tree house. I couldn't believe that my jacket was in there! I could have sworn it wasn't there before, Beaver. You believe me, don't you?

Beaver: Sure, Gilbert. I believe you. Maybe you just had other things on your mind and you missed seeing it there before. It happens.

Gilbert: So what have you heard about Eddie? Is he still sick?

Beaver: No, he's fine now. But now his mother is sick. What a creepy family they are.

Gilbert goes home. Beaver is walking home, and thinking to himself: I sure eased up on Gilbert. Why did I do it? He pauses, and plays with a dog he knows. He keeps thinking: I did it because he's not a creep like Eddie, he's just annoying. Look at all the things Eddie has done to me and to Wally. The worst thing Gilbert did, about the only bad thing he did, was mess me up in the fifth grade picture. But they're done with Eddie, at least for now. Why should I keep gaslighting Gilbert when they're done with Eddie? He kicks a can for a block. Going on: I can't cross Mom. Heaven knows what she would do. But I can string her along. That's what I'll do. Until I see some action on Eddie. He stops and scratches Bootsie's neck; he purrs. Going on: Mom's all in on those old ladies. I'll stay in good with her by helping with that. She really doesn't care about getting Gilbert.

Beaver continues thinking to himself. And besides, Gilbert is my best friend. If I lose him, I'm not going to have anybody to hang out with. I'm not popular like Wally. I better let up on Gilbert so I have one friend.

Beaver walks into the kitchen. Hey, Mom! Hey, Wally! I'm home! Did you miss me? What's on the agenda for today? You know that fix-it shop run by Emmett Clark? He was supposed to fix my skates but he didn't do a good job. They still don't fit right. I say we mess with his wife Martha. She thinks she is so superior but she's just an old busy body like Agnes and Clara and all the rest of that gang. How about it? Care to mess with Martha?

June: That Martha is another pain in the you know what. So, Clara, Gladys, Agnes, and Martha--I'd like to deal with them all together. Maybe we could do something to keep Martha in there a little longer, and we think they'll keep Agnes awhile since they think she's cuckoo. Then Clara and Gladys visit. Eddie's already there and has spiked something. Help me, boys. I need fresh ideas.

Beaver: How about doing something to Eddie? He's made my whole short life miserable.

June: Now Puppy, we need Eddie to help us with our other activities. It's hands off Eddie for now, do you understand?

Beaver sighs. I guess I do. But do you like him more than you like me?

June: Oh, my goodness, no. You're my little puppy dog. Eddie can't compete with my youngest son. You're my baby, my puppy. But you need to keep your paws off my Eddie Bear. Do as you're told, or I will make Brussels sprouts casserole every day this month. Now behave and start giving me some fresh ideas to torment those snoopy old bats.

(Beaver thinks, why did I challenge her? I'd better back off.)

Beaver: I get it, with Eddie. Sorry, it's been a bad day.

June: I'm sorry, too. I've not been in the best mood, either. For one thing, your father will be home in a few days.

Beaver: You don't love him anymore?

June: I suppose I do. But more than anything, he cramps our style. Wally, let's hit the refresh button. Maybe get Eddie over here. We need to deal with those old hags.

Eddies bursts into the kitchen.

Eddie: Cleavers! Hello! Boy, I just did something to Martha, the old bat. Both her and my mother were asleep when I went in so I put some itching powder down Martha's back! Isn't that a riot? I can't wait for her to wake up and start scratching herself!

June: Eddie Bear, that is wonderful news! That Martha really thinks she is above it all but she'll find out she's no better.

Eddie: Oh, it was beautiful.

June: I needed this news! We were at a point that we needed a reset.

Meanwhile at the hospital:

Martha: Ahhh! My back is itching like crazy!!

Agnes: What, you're having weird problems now?

Martha buzzes for the nurse.

Nurse: What's going on in here now?

Martha: I'm itching like crazy. My back feels like it's on fire.

Nurse: Oh, you both are nutty as fruitcakes. Roll over, you're getting a sedative--guess where?

Martha screeches. Get away from me with your needles! All you nurses enjoy seeing patients suffer! I should sue! What did you use to wash this hospital gown? Toxic bleach? You'll be hearing from my lawyers! Get me something different to wear before I claw this off myself.

Agnes is amused. My goodness, Martha. You're making such a fuss over a little old hospital gown? (giggles) Does Emmett put up with your fusses? Does he go away to those fix-it conventions to get away from you? (laughs harder)

Martha: Emmett is a first class pain in the -- neck. But you're even worse, with your sudden (makes a face) so-called back pain, stabs, itches, or whatever the latest imagined problem is.

Agnes: All the nurse wants to do is give you a sedative, and you're over there screeching and hollering like a newborn

Eddie: Good evening, mother. Hope you're feeling better. Can I get you anything, water, magazine; turn on the TV? Ben Casey is on tonight.

Agnes looks over at Martha. One of us could certainly use some medical advice. But, Edward, a glass of water would be nice.

Eddie goes into the bathroom and spikes Agnes' and Martha's makeup with sneezing powder. He brings Agnes a cup of water. Would you like anything, Mrs. Clark?

Martha: Yes. Edward, could you bring my makeup? I need to freshen up, since Emmett is coming over soon.

Agnes: Why bother for that hillbilly? But as long as you're at it, please bring mine, too.

Eddie goes back to the bathroom and mumbles. This is too good! The ladies continue their potshots at each other, and Eddie comes back with each respective makeup. Here you are, ladies. Now, I must be leaving. He leaves the door cracked as he goes, and snoops since visiting hours are nearly over and the hall is clear. He can see they're both using their makeup. He takes the Polaroid out of his jacket. Suddenly there is convulsive sneezing and screaming in stereo. He manages to get some movies before the nurse, closely followed by Emmett, appears.

Emmett: What's going on?

Nurse: This room is like the Twilight Zone. Who knows?

Eddie: Sounds like the ladies have a cold or an allergy. I'll be seeing you! He goes into the stairwell a bends over in laughter.

Meanwhile in the Cleaver Den....

June is laughing as she listens to the tape of Agnes screaming. Ward comes in.

Ward: Is that a woman screaming? What are you listening to there?

June turns off the tape. Ward! You startled me. Did you just get in?

Ward: Yes, the convention let out early because of low attendance. What are you listening to?

June: Oh, this old thing? This is a recording George Haskell made. Eddie left it over here after he and Wally heard it. That's not a woman screaming, Ward. That's the sound of an elephant trumpeting. George made it for some presentation he did at work about it being a jungle out there in the business world.

Ward: I guess it was a female elephant because it sounded eerily like a woman.

June: You must have jet lag, poor dear. Go lie down and I'll call you when dinner is ready.

Eddie bursts into the den after Ward exits.

Eddie: June Bug! I put sneezing powder in those witches' makeup kits and they're both sneezing like crazy and Emmett Clark just came by after I manged to sneak out.

June: Sneezing powder! Eddie Bear, you're truly one of a kind. You're a keeper.

Eddie: I gotta show you this! I'm glad I have a Polaroid. He shows the movie.

June and Wally are rolling on the floor, literally.

June: I've gotta go visit Agnes. It'll be a hands-off visit, unless I come up with an irresistible opportunity. My problem will be keeping a straight face if they start talking about sneezing.

June arrives at the hospital to see Agnes and Martha. A nurse speaks to her. Are you here to visit Agnes and Martha?

June: Yes, how are they feeling, the poor dears?

Nurse: They both started having a sneezing fit at the same time. It was uncannily eerie. It's as if they were experiencing some type of frenzy and they had to be medicated. You can go in now, maybe one of them is coming around.

June: A sneezing fit? How odd, considering Agnes came here for a stomach bug. I'll go in now, thank you, Nurse.

Nurse: By the way, are these women friends of yours?

June: Well, I don't know them closely but we speak from time to time. Why do you ask?

Nurse: They both seem a little dingy.

June: Dingy is a good word for those two. Aggie, the poor dear, drinks too much. And Martha is lonely because her husband is always going out of town. She has too much time on her hands.

Nurse: They are both a handful. Really, they both should have been released by now, but the doctor has them under observation. And Mrs. Haskell has symptoms totally unrelated to food poisoning, stabbing back pain, the sneezing, you-name-it.

June: Maybe Mrs. Clark is a sympathetic reaction. Or they're both hypochondriacs.

Nurse: Well, that's an interesting thought! We ought to put you on staff. She laughs.

June: I had a psychology course at State University, but it's been a few years.

Nurse: Well, go on in. It's nice to have a normal visitor in here.

June: Oh, she even has odd visitors?

Nurse: Her son is nice, and normal enough. But these other two old ladies that come in, they seem to stir them up every time they're here.

June: By any chance could they be Gladys Cravitz and Clara Edwards?

Nurse: I do recognize the first names; how did you know?

June: Well, we're all acquaintances. This my help you to understand their problems, but I think they all met at Alcoholics Anonymous. i know Aggie is back to drinking again, but I don't know for sure about the other two. They are trouble, and spread gossip like crazy.

Nurse: I know Mrs. Haskell shouted a threat involving you, right after what I call her "back attack." I shouldn't mention this, but I think she msy be transferred to the psychiatric unit.

June: Well, it would be good for her to have the treatment she needs.

Nurse: Well, nice chatting with you. They're probably awake now. I hope there's no incidents while you're in there; you never know with these two.

June enters the room. Martha is awake; Agnes is still dozing.

Martha: Oh, it's you. Agnes said you were to blame for all these weird freaky incidents befalling us ladies. Are you a witch, June Cleaver! Did you put spells on us?!

June: You know, I like to be nice to everyone. But, I will tell you there are laws against slander.

To directly answer your question, No, I am not a witch. Therefore, the second question is not applicable.

The nurse enters. Mrs. Clark, I have to tell you, I heard what you said to this nice woman.
(to June) I heard her mention your name, Mrs. or Miss (June: Mrs.) Mrs. Cleaver. My name is Julia Baker. If you need a witness, just let me know--here is my phone number. It WAS slander. She turns to Martha.

A witch? Come on! You actually believe there are such people?

Martha: Oh, come on! I asked a question, I didn't say she was.

Agnes: Well, I'll say it. She is a witch.

The nurse goes to call someone to report the slander.

June: You devils are going to wish you had never crossed me! All you two do is hang around in hospital rooms complaining so you get free food because you're both too lazy to cook. George and Emmett are very unlucky men!

Martha: You don't know the first thing about my Emmett. He loves my meat loaf. And by the way (with a smirk) your little boy keeps hounding Emmett at the fix-it shop to fix his skates that are too large for his feet. You and Ward can't even afford to buy him skates that fit his feet! (chuckles)

Agnes chuckles too. You Cleavers are clearly crazy. I don't care if that's slander because it's true. Leave our room this instant, you instigator!

June: Gladly.

The scene shifts to the Cleaver kitchen, as June arrives home. Wally is in the kitchen.

June: Ooh! Those old biddies. Wally, put your thinking cap on. We need something new to do. The needles are too good for either of them.

Wally: Which old biddies this time?

June: Martha and Agnes. It's all-out war--get Eddie over here. We need more minds working on this.

Eddie pops into the kitchen and brightly says, What's up, Cleaver family? What's new?

June: Eddie! Just the man I need to see. (Eddie blushes and Wally looks irritated.)

Eddie: At your service, Mrs. C. What can I do you for?

June: I'm so angry I could spit nails. Your mother and that awful Clark woman called me a witch and laughed in my face. I need to show them who is boss. What can we do, Eddie?

Eddie: I have an idea. Bring me their dolls. We need to sew their lips together so they can't speak!

June: The son I never had! Brilliant! (Wally is still obviously irritated.) Wally... (Beaver comes in) ...or, you, Beaver, get us the dolls and a couple of sewing needles.

Beaver: Huh? Which dolls?

Wally (low): Just do what she says. Mrs. Haskell and Mrs. Clark.

Beaver: How do I know which ones those are?

June (impatiently): Wally, you go get them!

(Wally returns with the dolls)

Eddie sews for around 5 minutes. Eddie: Done.

Scene shifts to the hospital room.

Nurse Julia is outside the ladies' hospital room and hears kind-of moaning sounds.

Julia: What now? She hesitantly opens the door.

Nurse Julia: What in heavens name are you ladies doing? Why are your eyes popping out of your heads like that? Why won't you answer me?

Martha and Agnes are frantic, trying to make hand signals to indicate they need to write a message. Julia finally understands and gets them each a pad of paper and pens.

They each write something similar on their pads: I can't open my mouth! It's that Cleaver Witch, she put a curse on us! Call the FBI! Call a witch doctor! Call for help!

Nurse Julia: More like call for a straitjacket for both of you!

Eddie walks in. What's going on in here?

Julia: They both think they can't talk. It's really an improvement. Dr. Zorba from the psyche ward is coming in a little later anyway; perfect timing.

Eddie (approaches Agnes): Mother, when I was younger you told me many times there's no such thing as witches, ghosts, and other supernatural phenomena.

Agnes: Mmmmmmmmm .... mmmmmmmmmmmmm. She writes, June Cleaver is a witch.

Eddie (to Julia): This is sad.

Emmett comes in: This really IS an improvement.

Julia: Well, we'll see what Dr. Zorba says.

Eddie leaves; outside in the hall, he mumbles: Now back to "headquarters" to take the stitches out. Then they're both certified.

Later, Dr. Zorba arrives at the room. What seems to be the trouble ladies?

Martha and Agnes: We can't open our mouths!

Dr. Zorba eyes Nurse Julia and rolls his eyes. Oh, really? Aren't they open right now?

Martha and Agnes: We couldn't but now we can! That witch is messing with us!

Dr. Zorba: What witch?

Martha: June Cleaver is hexing us or something.

Dr. Zorba, exasperated, says: Ladies, I have real patients to see. I don't have time to indulge fairytales. Good day! He leaves, angrily.

Nurse Julia: You ladies should both check yourselves out now. Mr. Clark, could you take them home? I think being inside these four walls is making them go bonkers.

Emmett, taken with Julia's beauty stammers: Yes, Julia. I will do the honors. You've been such a dear nurse to my Martha. Would you come over for coffee and cake tonight? We'd love to show you a nice evening.

Martha is livid.

Nurse Julia is taken aback. Thank you for the offer, Mr. Clark, but I have other plans tonight.

Now I'll get orderlies and they will wheel you out to the exit.

Emmett: OK, I'll be out there, ladies.

Julia: Is anyone home at your house, Mrs. Haskell?

Agnes: My husband is out of town. My son probably is at the Cleavers'.

Julia: Mr. Clark, would you mind dropping Mrs. Haskell off there? Then your son can take you home when you and he are ready.

Agnes: But I----

Emmett: Sure; no problem.

Emmett drops Agnes off at the Cleaver's and dashes off.

Agnes knocks nervously on their door and Wally answers.

Wally: Oh, it's you. What do you want? I mean, hi, Mrs. Haskell, can I help you?

Agnes: I was just released from the hospital and that nutty nurse insisted that Mr. Clark drop me off here, of all things. Is my son here by chance?

Wally: Yes, Eddie's here. He's in the den with my mother.

Agnes looks sick. May I come in, please, Wallace?

Wally: Please don't call me Wallace. Come in, I guess. Go into the den if you want to.

Agnes enters the den. June and Eddie are having a grand ol' time laughing and joking around. They both look up, surprised to see Agnes standing in the doorway.

Eddie: Mom!

June: Aggie!

Agnes: Please don't call me Aggie.

June: Would you like some tea?

Agnes: No, thank you. Edward, if you're going home shortly, could I ride with you?

Eddie: My car is using lots of oil, so I've been walking lately. It's just a few blocks, if you don't mid walking.

Agnes: Oh, for heaven's sake! Just put some oil in it! I'm worn out from that hospital stay, between that looney nurse and (pause) other things.

June: Perhaps you and Edward would llike to talk. Excuse us. Wally and June exit.

Wally:; Wow! An unexpected visit from the fly, and the spiders aren't ready with a web.

June: Well put. But unless you have a subtle idea, I think this will be a missed opportunity.

Eddie comes out of the den. Aggie and I were arguing, and she fainted. We gotta do something; she's out cold. We just can't let this one go by.

June laughs hysterically and Wally has to slap her to get her to stop.

Wally: Mom, get a grip. I know this is too good to be true, but snap out of it. Think!

June: Sorry, Wally. Why did she faint?

Eddie: She said you were a witch Mrs. Cleaver and her face got all red.

June: Well, let's put her upstairs in the guest room. When she starts to come to, give her some of that forgetting medicine you have, Eddie. We'll weigh our options later. Wally, help Eddie carry Mrs. Haskell to the guest room.

Wally grunts: Your mother is heavy, Eddie. Tell her to lay off the pie why don't you?

Eddie snickers.

June: She's never been in our guest room, or anywhere upstairs. If only there was a way to make her think she was in a psychiatric ward. But she knows all of us, and bringing in a stranger is too risky.

Well, I'll administer a sedative. That'll keep her under for a few hours while we ponder this.

Eddie, how well does that forgetting elixir work?

Wally: That forget-me-not elixir makes people forget the past several hours and then they might not ever recover those memories but it's not for sure. That's what I read.

Eddie: Well, if Mom doesn't remember the past several hours, we could trick her into thinking she is in a nut house.

June: But we can't bring in an outsider for this, can we? Could we blackmail somebody into doing it?

Eddie: I think my mother knows everybody in this town. She would recognize anybody we brought in.

Wally: There is this one older girl I know who works at the bowling alley. Her name is Samantha. She is sort of a wild child. She could pretend to by a psych nurse but we'd have to pay her a lot to make sure she doesn't squeal. It would be risky.

June: How much would she ask for?

Eddie: I know her too. She'd want a lot. BUT I think she's into sorcery, too.

June: Really! Ward will be back next week, but I could tap into the savings account.

Beaver comes in: What about my college?

June (disinterested in that): We'll figure something out on that later. You're only a junior now. Meanwhile back to what she would want.

Eddie: She might want around $100 a week.

June: Pretty heavy, but I could swing that for a week or two. It's lucky Ward isn't around. But you're right, it's risky. It'd really be great if we could counter any potential blackmail, so we need something on her.

Eddie: Wally, let's do some detective work; we need to get some dirt.

Wally: We're on it, Mom.

June: I'll get with Ward's big boys in New York. I could probably get them to keep him and Fred over for another month. That would also take some dough.

Eddie: My dad and Mr. Mondello are still in Cincinnati. He'll probably be gone for another month. He likes to be away from Aggie, really.

Beaver rolls his eyes and mumbles: All this to get some old goat upstairs.

June: What did you say, Beaver? Don't mumble.

Beaver rolls his eyes and leaves the house.

Wally: Eddie, let's go to the bowling alley now. Samantha has a shift today. We can get her to talk about herself and see if she spills something we can use to blackmail her with.

Later, Wally and Eddie arrive at the bowling alley.

Wally: Hey, Sam!

Sam: Wally! Who is your friend here?

Wally: This is my best friend, Eddie.

Eddie: It's a delight to meet you, Samantha. I bet you have a lot of fun stories to tell about working here?

Sam: I could curl your hair with some of my stories. And shhhhhh, but I've got a whopper I'm just dying to tell somebody. One of the bowlers from the Mayfield League dropped his wallet and it had over $800. in it. I took it and didn't give it back. I'm rich!

Wally and Eddie smile at each other.

Wally: Sam, I've got another way for you to make some quick cash. How would you like an acting gig? You'd play a nurse for a crazy woman. You could buy a cute nurse costume from that Halloween Superstore in Raleigh.

Sam: I buy a costume? YOU buy a costume.

Eddie: OK OK. (They negotiate a deal.)

Sam: Psych ward, hmm. I have access to some interesting "stuff." I can also do an injection.

Wally: Well, then, we'll see you in about an hour. 211 Pine.

Sam: Got it.

Back at the Cleaver house --

Eddie: Well Junie -- (Wally grimaces) uh, Mrs. Cleaver, I have her on tape, saying she found a wallet and kept the $800 in it.

June: Good--

Wally: Is she still asleep up there?

June: Yes, I'm keeping her sedated.

Eddie: Sam will be here in about an hour. Would you like me to hide a camera up there?

June: Wonderful idea, Eddie bear! (Wally scowls.)

Sam arrives at 211 Pine, dressed to kill in a pastel pink mini-skirted nurse outfit.

Eddie answers the door and his mouth hangs open.

Sam: Where's the patient? I'm ready to get started!

Eddie escorts Sam upstairs and peeks in to see that Agnes is beginning to stir.

Agnes: Where am I? What happened?

Sam: Now, Agnes, don't fret. You are safe here. I'm your nurse, Samantha. I need to give you a sedative. (Agnes struggles.) Calm down, now. You're in a Psych Ward for your own good. (Agnes screams.)

Aggie: Psych Ward? What are you talking about?

Sam: Do you not remember? Due to all the trouble you caused with wild talk in the hospital, you've been committed. We have you under observation.

Aggie: Egad! GET ME (slowly as she drifts off) outta.........her e.........

Eddie comes in: Gimme some ideas. How are we gonna gaslight her?

Sam: Give me the rundown on what's been going on here.

Eddie: My mother is not a nice person. She ignores me half the time and the other half she puts me down. The Cleavers here, especially June, have taken me under their wings and protected me. I was feeling sick and went to the hospital but I got better. The Cleavers were nicer to me than my own family. What's going on now is that we're messing with my mom to get back at her. We got a voodoo doll of her and we stuck pins in her and stuff and sewed her mouth shut.

Sam: Golly! I'm sort of into the black arts. I'm interested in witchcraft so this is fascinating to me.

Eddie: You've hooked up with the right people then. Agnes and her dumb friend Martha Clark somehow figured out that June is doing stuff to them. They called her a witch. Then a psych doctor came in to see them but he thought they were just being stupid and he left. We drugged my mother so that she's forgotten what happened after that. We figure we tell her that the doctor who spoke to her and Martha decided she needed to be committed for observation.

Sam: What a golden opportunity this is. My two interests are witchcraft and acting.

Eddie: I have to admit, this stuff has been loads of fun. June is behind all of it, she's the brains.

Sam: What was wrong with you?

Eddie: I'm not sure, but I think I ate some mayonnaise, but I'm allergic to it. In the hospital a lot of strange things were happening to me. Unexplained back pain, stuff like that.

Sam: Like mother, like son, huh?

Eddie: Uh, yeah, come to think of it.

Wally enters the room, having overheard Eddie and Sam's last bit of conversation.

Wally: Um, Eddie, can you go down and talk to my mother? I want to talk to Sam for a minute about her job.

Eddie goes downstairs.

Wally: Um, Sam. I'm going to confide in you because you're my friend, not Eddie's. I know I told you Eddie is my best friend but he's really a pain in the behind a lot of times and honestly, we decided to mess with him before this whole thing with his mom came about.

Sam: Oh, Wally. I'm so glad you're telling me this. I think Eddie was starting to put two and two together when I asked him why he was in the hospital. I won't bring it up again.

Wally: If you play your cards right, I'll give you a bonus too. The only little problem I can see is that Eddie also knows you stole that money from the bowler. He will use that against you if he thinks you're crossing him so be very careful. You work for the Cleavers. Not Eddie Haskell.

Sam: Got it!

Wally: Let's go downstairs, and talk to my mom, and Eddie, if he's still here. The old crone is out for awhile, right?

Sam: Right. So, right behind you.

Wally: Sam, this is my mother, June. Mom, this is my friend, Sam. She's gonna help us take care of Aggie. Did Eddie leave?

June: Yes, Wally. So nice to meet you. Let's brainstorm. How are we gonna take care of this old bag?

Wally: Just so you know, Mom, Eddie came close to putting two and two together on his hospital stay, awhile ago.

June: How did that come about?

Wally: He was telling Sam about it, and mentioned some of his symptoms which were the same as Aggie's---

Sam: And he suddenly said, "Wait a minute!" Fortunately, I changed the subject.

June: Ooh! We may need to do something about this. Refresh my memory, Wally. Do we have anything on him? If not we may need to do some digging. Or get our own mini-tapee and get him to incriminate himself.

Wally: I have an idea. I know most of Eddie's dark secrets. He tells me all the mean stuff he's done. I can easily get him to repeat some of his bad deeds on tape without him knowing. Then we put that tape under lock and key so we can use it to keep him on our side.

June: Good thinking, Wally.

Wally: And another thing is that Eddie and I both know Sam here stole $800 at the bowling alley. A bowler lost his wallet and Sam took it.

Sam: I guess I should feel bad but I don't. That man is rich and the bowling alley pays me peanuts.

June: Don't worry about it, Dear. We don't care about that. But since Eddie also knows about it, we have to get that tape back from him so he can't use it against you. Right, Wally?

Wally: Right. I have to get that tape back and also get him to incriminate himself on another tape.

Sam: This espionage stuff is awesome. I like witchcraft, acting, and now I can add espionage to my interests. The Cleavers are my kind of people!

"Don't worry about it, dear." LOL!

June: Now, about Aggie. What kinds of things can you do? Do you have any ideas?

Sam: Her husband's name is ......

June: George.

Sam: I can make her think her husband is out to get her. I can alternate to other people, like friends. Any names?

Wally: There is her neighbor, Gladys. Another friend is Clara. She lives close and is also a busybody, like Gladys.

June: They are also a lot of trouble for us.

Sam: It helps to have personal belongings.

June: No problem there.

Sam: I can make them think Aggie is certifiable. i can insert in one's mind that Aggie is in the Psyche Ward at Mayfield General, and there is no admittance. Both being gossip queens, one will tell the other.

June: Perfect! Now about security. We can lock the guest room door from the outside, and there is a bathroom attached to the guest room; all the upstairs rooms have bathrooms.

When you make her think George et al are out the get her, can you make her think she is safe where she is? Then there is no danger of escape. Also, that she trusts you.

Sam: Sure. No problem.

Wally: How do you do all this?

Sam: I use what is called a dream curse. I can basically control the person via their dreams. Well, I'm off to see the wizard! She exits.

Wally: While she is a friend and I trust her, we have to be careful with her, nonetheless. She knows an awful lot. Yes, we have the wallet on her, but we need to watch out for this curse business.

June: Yes, she really knows too much. And she's powerful. It makes me a bit edgy.

Beaver runs into Sam exiting the Cleaver house outside, a bit down the street.

Beaver: Hey, I know you. You work at the bowling alley, right?

Sam: Why yes I do, young man. And you are?

Beaver: Beaver Cleaver.

Sam: Oh, you're Wally's little brother. It's so nice to meet you. I work for your brother and mother now.

Beaver: You work for them?

Sam: They hired me to play psych nurse for Agnes, Eddie's mother. And now I've got to go conjure up some dream curses.

Beaver: Dream curses?

Sam: Why don't you come with me, Beaver. I'm going to think things over and I need liquid refreshments to keep my mind sharp while I think. Let's go get sodas and you can tell me all the things I need to know about your enemies.

Beaver perks up at that.

Beaver: I do have one enemy but he sort of works for my mom too. Eddie Haskell.

Sam: Oh, him. Don't worry about him, Beaver. I work strictly for Cleavers now, not Haskells. I can do a special dream curse on Eddie if you keep it just between you and me. Let's go talk it over. I'll even buy you a milkshake!

Beaver: Oh, boy!

Beaver sips a strawberry milkshake.

Sam: Now, Beaver, what has Eddie done to cause him to be your enemy?

Beaver: Well, when I was younger, one of my "things" was always sending away for stuff. Sometimes my dad would advise me not to send for certain things, or not to respond to certain mail. Eddie always found a way to get me to do what I was told not to. Like dad told me a modeling school offer was just a gyp, but Eddie made modeling sound really great.

Same with an accordion offer. Dad said no, but Eddie made it sound great. On and on with that kind of thing.

He got me in all kinds of trouble when he forged a better grade on my report card...

Sam: Whoa! That's probably the worst so far.

Beaver: Yeah, my dad almost banned him from the house for that one.

Sam: I can put a dream curse on him that will bring all that back into his mind, in the form of a nightmare. I can recur these a few times, so much so that he will come begging for your forgiveness. Your part of the deal? Just make sure to have a little money so you can buy ME a milkshake when we're done with him. We just have to keep this from Wally and especially your mom.

Now, can you give me one more thing to work with?

Beaver: Again, I was little. He had me convinced I had hypnotized him. He was calling me his master and that I was in total control of him. Wally put a stop to that one.

Sam: OK, I think I have enough to work with. I can probably get him to keep these nightmares to himself, and confide only in me. Now, your mother is paying me a lot of money, so don't you worry about this. SInce I have to do dream curses anyway, doing a few more for you will be my pleasure.

Beaver: Gee, thanks!

Later that night, Eddie is tossing and turning in bed.

Eddie dreaming: No! No! I'm sorry! Make it stop!

Meanwhile at the Cleaver's upstairs, June is "visiting" Agnes in the "psych ward" and says: Agnes, how are you feeling tonight, Dear?

Agnes: Junie? Is that you?

June: Yes, Dear. Visiting hours are almost over. It's night now and you need to go to sleep soon. Do you remember where you are?

Agnes: Not really, but a young nurse said a doctor has me in the psycho ward under observation? By the way, why are the windows blacked out? I wanted to look outside.

June: In the psych ward, all precautions must be taken, Dear. Sometimes patients try to break the glass and climb down and run into the street. You're safer not going near the window. There's nothing to see anyway, just a large parking lot with cars.

Agnes: You're a good friend, Junie. My memory is so fuzzy. Maybe I dreamed it but it seems like I got mad at you for some reason but I've no idea what that was about. Do you?

June: Oh, Aggie, Sweetheart, you've never gotten mad at me. It's me, your good friend Junie!

Gladys and Clara get together for coffee.

Gladys: I got a call from George, looking for Agnes. I had to tell him she's in the psych ward, with no admittance. He seems to know it already, even though he's been away.

Clara: Yes, I somehow know she's in there, too.

Gladys: That's exactly the way it is with me! Nobody told me, but I know she's in there. I knew from talking to Martha Clark that she was acting strange in the hospital. She told me Emmett dropped her off from the hospital, at the Cleavers'.

Clara: What? She was released from the hospital and she went to the Cleavers'?
I think it's time we pay another visit to June.

Clara and Gladys arrive at the Cleaver house.

June: Oh, ladies, hello. May I help you with something?

Clara: We're worried about Agnes. May we come in?

June is agitated but tries to cover: Surely, come right in. Would you like some tea?

Gladys: We've just come from coffee, so no thank you. Now June, Emmett told Martha that he dropped Agnes off at your house but George thinks she's still in the psych ward. Do you have any idea what's going on? Did she come here?

June: Agnes? Here? Oh, heavens to Betsy, no! (laughs nervously) Why would Mr. Clark say he dropped her off here? I think that Mr. Clark needs to stick to fixing clocks at his fix-it shop because he's obviously got memory problems. I'm sure he would have taken her home. She's gone missing? You better go talk to Mr. Clark again. Ask him if he saw Agnes come into this house. Maybe he dropped her off but she wandered off, the poor dear.

Gladys and Clara leave there and go to the drug store to use the drive-up pay phone there.

Gladys: Martha? Can you put Emmett on the line please? Emmett? Did you see Agnes go into the Cleaver house?

Emmett: Well, no, I was very tired that day and I just dropped her off on the sidewalk. I didn't stay around to see if she went into the house.

Gladys: My goodness, Emmett! You should be ashamed! Agnes might have gone missing!

Gladys: I'm going to call the hospital.

Clara: Good idea.

Gladys: Do you have an Agnes Haskell admitted to your psych unit?

Operator: I'm sorry, for the purposes of privacy, we keep no public record of psychiatric admissions. (Disconnects.)

Gladys: I guess we have to assume the men in white coats found her and took her there.

June in the kitchen with Wally says: Wally, those nosy nitwits Clara and Gladys came over here and said they think Agnes has gone missing. Emmett Clark told them he dropped her off over here. Now they've gone to ask Emmett what he knows.

Wally: Don't worry. Sam did dream curses on those dolts so they can't possibly find out she isn't really in the nut house, but upstairs.

June: Dream curses! I'm liking this Sam girl more and more.

Eddie walks into the kitchen, a bit shaken and says: Cleavers, hello. I didn't sleep a wink last night. I thought I would sleep like a baby once mother was locked upstairs but nope. Got any coffee, Mrs. C?

June: Dear Eddie (Wally gags), if you didn't sleep, the last thing you need is caffeine. You need a nap. Why don't you lie down on the couch? Wally will come in and talk to you for awhile, kind of calm your nerves.

Eddie: Boy that's a great idea. (They go into the living room.) (Wally nods and smiles at June.)

Wally: Boy, we've been through a lot during high school, haven't we?

Eddie: You said it, Sam. (He pauses.) I remember that time I quit school; remember that, Wally?

Wally: Yeah. You went to work for Mr. Thompson at the Gulf station. I remember Lumpy and I pulled in there and he was dressing you down.

Eddie: What you don't know is that I got him back good. I went into the till when he wasn't looking and took $500. Came in quite handy when I left home, Elwood.

Wally: Wow! I'll bet it did. The good times. If you think about them some more, maybe you can get some sleep.

Eddie falls asleep and Wally returns to the kitchen.

Wally: Eddie is out like a light. That dope told me he stole $500 from Mr. Thompson and now I have that on tape. If he tries any funny stuff, boom!

June: Great job, Wally! Now, what are we going to do with Agnes? She's forgotten all about me being a witch and she thinks I'm her BFF now.

Wally: BFF?

June: Best Friend Forever. I just made it up I guess.

Wally: Well, I guess now that we've sort of deprogrammed the Haskells, should we just let them go? Or what is our next mission, Boss?

June: Refresh my memory--Beaver is around 15 or 16, right?

Wally (surprised): Yeah, he's 16. Why?

June: I have a feeling something is going on with him. I think he's still easy to fool. Couple that and the fact--don't get mad, son--I don't yet fuily trust Samantha, and I'm going to play an old trick on him. See if he's here, would you, and get him in here.

Wally goes looking. He brings Beaver in.

June: Beaver, how are you and Sam doing with your plan, and why didn't YOU tell me about it?

Beaver (long pause): She hasn't told me anything has happened yet---

June: Oh, OK. Let me know how it goes, OK, son?

Beaver (looking nonplussed): Uh, OK.

June: And keep in mind I need you to keep me informed of everything that is going on, OK?

Beaver: Uh, right. (He starts to leave)

June: Beaver, one more thing. Do not mention to Sam that I asked about it, or that I know. If you do, I WILL know. Do you get it?

Beaver: Yes, mom. (He leaves.)

Wally: Wow!

June: See what I mean? He's still immature and as naive as can be. Here's what I want you to do. Demonstrate your smarts, using him. I want to know what they're plotting. You have to chat him up; he has to think I know about it. WorK on him, not her; she's too smart and un-naive, if you will. Then let me know what you find out. Capiche?

Wally: Cap what?

June: It means, do you understand. Capiche?

Wally: Capiche.

June: Oh, and Wally, can you see why I don't trust her? She has not told me anything about whatever they have going. And I know she has not told you, either.

Wally: Yes, I can see why you don't trust her. And now, neither do I.

June: You must be smart, you must be careful and on your guard. And we will not be able to just drop her. We have something on her, but it probably is not enough, especially considering her abilities.

Suddenly a loud knock is heard on the door.

June rushes to get it. It's George Haskell looking disheveled.

June: Georgie Boy!

George: Don't Georgie Boy me now, Junie, not now. Aggie is missing!

Wally listens in from the other room.

June: What do you mean?

George: She's not in the psych ward like she is supposed to be. They said they let her go off with that Emmett Clark who can't fix a clock to save his life!

June: Um, won't you sit down in here, George. Let's talk this over. I'll go get you a cup of coffee. She rushes into the other room and sees Wally listening.

June: Wally! We have got to get Agnes out of here ASAP!

Wally: ASAP?

June: As Soon As Possible!

Wally: Okay, I'll think of something. Don't let Mr. Haskell out of your sight, go back in there. I'll put the coffee on.

Wally dashes over to the Rutherfords.

Lumpy: Wally, hi! What's happening? Did we have plans?

Wally: We do now! Come here, right now. I need you and I'll do anything to get you to do it for me!

Lumpy: You will? Can you get me a date with a pretty girl who will like me?

Wally: Consider it done! Now get in the car. You are going to help me carry a woman from our upstairs guest room into this car. We are going to cover her eyes so she won't know it's us. We didn't hurt her but I need you to stay calm and not question this and never tell another living soul or I will have to kill your family.

Lumpy: OK Wally. Maybe you can get me a date with Christine Staples.

Wally: Hotfoot it over to my house as fast as this heap will go, and hope and pray we don't get stopped.

(they arrive)

Wally: OK, George is parked out front. Pull in the driveway and wait out here.

(Wally rushes in the kitchen door and Sam is there) Man, am i glad to see you. C'mere. (He leads her to the front door area and points out George in the living room.) Can you put him to sleep?

Sam: Sure. (incantation follows) OK, he is under.

Wally: Under? Under what?

Sam: He's asleep. Didn't you see him slouch down?

(June comes over.) Good, quick thinking. Fill me in.

Wally: Lumpy is outside. I'm going to get Aggie. Sam, is she asleep?

Sam: Like a baby.

Wally: Huh?

Sam: She is asleep. Geez!

(During around 10 minutes, the three of them manage to get Aggie and George in the car.)

Lumpy: Where to, Wally?

Wally: The Haskells', and step on it.

Lumpy: Step on what?

Wally: You're worse than me! Hurry!

(They again manage to get both into the living room) Wally: Can you take them out of that stupor?

(Sam does two more incantations.)

Agnes: Oh, George! When did you get home? For that matter, when did I?

George: Geez, I must have fallen asleep. Last I knew, I was at the Cleavers'.

June: No, Wally and I stopped in to see how you both are doing. And you were both dozing.

Agnes: Oh, June, thanks for stopping by. Last I knew I was in the psych ward.

George: No, they said you weren't.

Agnes: Oh, they always deny that stuff.

June: Well, we must be going. Ta ta!

Wally (in the car): This is getting too dangerous.

June: Yes, we need to think about returning to normal life. Particularly since Ward is coming home tomorrow.

Lumpy: What are you guys talking about?

Wally: Shut up and drive. Just remind me to get you that date. When we get back to my house, drive George's car back to their house, and I'll get you two dates. He hides the key under the seat.

Lumpy: What about my car?

Wally (losing patience): Just walk back here and get it!

:crazy::lol:

The next afternoon, Lumpy hears a knock on his door.

Lumpy: Yes? May I help you, young lady?

Sam: Hi, Clarence. I'm Samantha. Wally told me all about how brave and strong you are and how helpful you are to the Cleaver family and I was so impressed I wanted to meet you myself.

Lumpy: Really? Hi, Samantha. Won't you come in?

Meanwhile, at the Cleaver kitchen...

June: Well, boys, we have to regroup. Wally, what is going on with Lumpy? What does he know and how will you keep him quiet?

Wally: I told Sam to pretend she's all lovey dovey for him because I promised him a date with a pretty girl. Sam is pretty attractive. We have to pay her extra though.

June: Gosh, where are we going to get all this money to pay off these people? I wish Ward was rich.

Beaver: Gee, Mom, he works as hard as he can to support our family. You might want to show him some respect. He is your husband.

June: Now, Beaver, I have had just about as much of you as I can stand. First, you go behind my back and whip up a dream curse against my Eddie Bear. Yes, don't look at Wally, he told me you told him and now I know. Never cross me, Beaver. As punishment, I'm going to make you Brussels sprouts omelettes for breakfast for 1 week and you will eat them. Understand?

Beaver whines.

Wally: Beaver, cut it out. Say you understand and then we need to find a way to make some extra money to pay off Samantha. Think of something.

Beaver: Heck, why don't we just knock over the First Merchants Bank of Mayfield? Gus's brother is the guard and he's a year younger than Gus.

June: Hmm...worth considering. Now that guard 411 is interesting. I'll eat the sprout omelettes myself.

Wally: 411?

June: Info. Another phrase of the future. Take notes. By the way if you both recall I mentioned your father is coming home tomorrow. Maybe he'll bring some dough. lol.

Wally: lol..hmm..I know, phrase of the future. I'll work on it.

Beaver and Wally are alone, later.

Beaver: Why'd you have to tell mom about me and Sam?

Wally: Beaver, we've had this talk before. We CANNOT keep anything from her--she will ALWAYS find out. She knew you had done something. I just gave her the 411 on it. Face it, she would have found out another way. You're 16 now--use your head. By the way, kudos to you for the Gus's brother thing--that made up for everything.

Beaver: Okay, okay. A guy can't get anything he wants around here. At least Boss Lady is going to eat the vile omelettes herself. I saved myself with that one. So Gus' brother is named Russ and he's really slow. He only has 1 bullet in his gun half the time and the other half, he forgets to carry his gun.

Wally: Oh, man, this is going to be a piece of cake. We might need to ask Sam to put dream curses on the tellers so they will just hand over the money without causing a scene.

Beaver: We can use the bandanas I sometimes wear when I play bank robber with Gilbert. (clears throat) I mean, you know, when I was a little boy.

Wally: You can relate that info. to mom about Russ; you need all the help you can get, to get in good again.

Beaver: From what you told me Sam really saved the day on getting Aggie back to her house; not to mention George. It'd help cement her loyalty if we gave her a larger piece of the pie.

Wally puts his arm around Beaver's shoulder: Suggest all that and I think you're in like Flynn again.

Beaver: Who's he?

Wally: Sometimes I don't know who's worse: you or me!

Beaver: Maybe Sam can do something to keep Dad away for a few more weeks.

Beaver and Wally enter the kitchen where June is whipping up a chocolate cake.

Beaver: Mom, I'm sorry I went over your head. I guess I lost my own head. But I got a plan to get money and it's going to involve Gus' brother Russ who is security guard at the bank. He falls asleep in his chair half the time and the other times he forgets his gun at home and he sometimes remembers to put his one bullet in it.

June: Oh, my goodness, he sounds really stupid. He's just the type of person we need. Thanks, Beaver. You're back in my good graces again. Here, you and Wally have some big hunks of cake!

Wally: Thanks, Mom. And I'm going to ask Samantha to do dream curses on the bank tellers so they'll easily hand over the dough. Did I use that word correctly? Dough is money right?

June: Yes, dough is bread. Bread is money. You catch on quick. Now, Wally, how are we going to stop your father from coming home too soon? We need to do the bank job ASAP.

Beaver: As soon as possible, right?

June: My boys are brilliant indeed!

Beaver: The Cleavers knocking over a bank! Who'd a thunk it?

Wally: Golly, Beaver, you're talking like you did ten years ago!

Beaver: I thought I'd put some 'tricity in the air. Get it?

June: We all get it. Now, where is Sam?

Wally: I'll get her. (Wally re-enters with her.)

June: OK Sam here's what i have in mind. First of all, we split the money, and you get a much bigger hunk of the pie, since you have the power, so to speak. So, can you freeze everyone in the bank, except the tellers? You're just sitting on the couch like you're waiting to see a loan specialist. Then, Wally and I enter with totes. You've previously dream-cursed the tellers to respond to "Fill these cases with money." We'll case the joint to find out how many and who the tellers are. Maybe if there are three tellers we can curse Russ and get him a tote. LOL, Wally?

Wally: LOL, lady of the future.

June: Beaver, in case you're thinking, what about me?, I hope to get enough to spend around $2000 and get you that sports car your father took away about 5 years ago.

Sam, I also need you to suggest a way to keep my husband away for another week or so. If this all comes together I'll have a lifetime supply of pearls!

How does this sound so far?

Wally: Sam, you're married? But you went on that date with Lumpy. Oh, man!

Sam: It's fine. I control my husband. And he goes out of town all the time on business. Don't tell Lumpy I'm married though. I think he's fallen hard for me. (rolls eyes)

June: Now, Wally, let's go case out the bank. We need to know what we'll be dealing with. Sam, you come up with a dream curse or something for Ward so he won't return for another three days or so. Beaver, because this is your grand idea, I'm going to reward you. I'm going to allow you one dream curse against somebody of your choosing, other than Eddie.

June and Wally exit and go to the bank to case out the joint.

Beaver: Hey, Sam, can you do a curse on Emmett Clark? He's that fix-it man who is always laughing at our family because he's too dumb to fix a pair of my skates and he blames us. And he's a snitch who told that Agnes was here. He needs to stay in his lane.

Sam: Stay in his own lane?

Beaver: Yeah, you know, know his place. Mind his own business.

Sam: Great! I will do a curse on that fix-it man to mess with his head and that'll really fix him. See what I did there?

Beaver: I see it and I like it!

June and Wally arrive at the bank. Very few people inside.

June: There are two tellers. That's typical in here.

Wally: There's Russ talking to some guy. His bullet is probably in his pocket, like Barney Fife.

June: I think the guy is the bank president. There's a lady over there, probably his secretary. I brought the Instamatic; I think I'll snap a few pictures.

Cut to Russ and the Bank President.

Russ: Look at those two over there, Mr. Mooney. They are acting suspiciously, like they're casing us for a job.

Mr. Mooney: You're right, Russ. We better put on an extra guy watching the camera from the back room. We'll do that for about a week. Meanwhile see if you can get them on the camera now. Get a still of them if you can. Also put an extra bullet in your pocket.

Wally: Hey, Mom, don't look now but the bank president is looking at us like we're Bonnie and Clyde. Maybe he's not as stupid as we'd like to think. What should we do?

June: Let me handle this. (She walks over to the bank president.)

June: Teddy Bear!

Theodore J. Mooney: Teddy Bear? Do we know each other?

June: You taught my Economics class in college. I'm here today taking pictures because I'm going to write a letter to the editor about how well this bank is run and how clean it is kept.

Mooney: Well, June Cleaver, as I live and breathe.

Wally: Huh?

June: Sssshhhh, Wally go out to the car and wait for me.

June: It's so great to see you! Not only am I going to send that letter, I'm going to move all our accounts here. And, Teddy, I named my second child after you!

Mooney: Russ! Cancel that APB I was talking to you about. I know this woman.

June: APB?

Mooney: Banker talk. Actions we take when we think something suspicious is going on. Is the boy who was with you Theodore?

June: No, that is my first son, Wally--Wallace. My second son is Theodore, although he picked up the nickname Beaver. I guess you heard at some point that I married Mr. Cleaver.

Mooney: Yes. June Bronson. It certainly has been a few years.

June: Well, we'll be going now. Nice seeing you again, Teddy Bear. Wally! (He was now waiting outside. They stroll out together.)

June: I don't know about this bank. He knows me too well. Unless you and Sam can do the dirty work.

Wally: I got kind of freaked out in there. I can't go to prison. I'll never meet girls in prison. I think we should go case out the bank in Mt. Pilot.

June: Okay. Let's go home first to get some lunch. Call Sam and ask her if she put a curse on Ward to keep him away for a few more days.

They arrive home and the phone rings. June picks up.

June: Ward! We've missed you but I hope you're having a good time at the conference?

Ward: Yes, it's been very rewarding. Listen, June, I have been so inspired at this conference that I got an idea in my head out of the blue to go to another conference. I asked the front desk and they said there is a bird watching conference in Sandusky, Ohio. I'm going. All of a sudden, out of the clear blue sky, I want to go bird watching so I won't be home until late Tuesday.

June: Birds! Ward, I think it's wonderful you found a new hobby. Enjoy and we'll be waiting for you at home!

June: Wally, well, no need to call Sam, she's done it again. Ward is going to a bird watching conference of all things. (laughs)

Beaver walks into the kitchen and asks: Did you see Russ at the bank?

Wally: We saw him, yeah, but he was suspicious and talking to the bank president.

June: He taught a class at my college and we know each other. So I decided we better choose another bank. We're going to go case out the one in Mt. Pilot.

Beaver: That's a good idea. The guard over there is even older than Russ. I think his gun is from the Civil War and doesn't even work.

June: Mt.Pilot is a smaller town than Mayfield. I think the First National Bank dates to the 1800s. Maybe that explains the gun; who knows, maybe he's the same guard that was there when it opened.

Wally: The haul could be smaller. Mooney mentioned cameras, I'll bet they don't even have any over in Mt. Pilot.

June: It will be harder to case it; everybody knows everybody in these tiny towns. Do we know anybody over there?

Wally: Emmett's Fix It shop used to be over there.

June: Hmm. I wonder about Sam's powers. Like could she swap your body with Emmett's. Then put Emmett-in-Wally's body to sleep. Then Wally-Emmett--you-- could case the bank and not be suspicious since they all would know Emmett over there.

Wally: Wow! The only problem would be if Wally-Emmett met somebody Emmett knows. If the other person chatted up Wally-Emmett--Me-Emmett--, there would be a lot I wouldn't know. Like if I ran into some busybody friend of Martha's over there. But I guess it's worth a try.

June: Well, we don't know if Sam could even do a swap like that. We'd need to ask. It's going pretty far, but she knows everything anyway.

Wally gets off the phone with Sam.

Wally: No can do. Sam said she is not that good. But she could put a spell on everybody there, or she could make us invisible! Let's do that one!

June: Okay. I've always wanted to be invisible so I could listen in on people's private conversations. Is Sam coming over here now?

Wally: Yes, she says it takes a little time and we have to not drink anything for one hour before we disappear. And it only lasts one hour so we have to case that bank and get out of there quick.

June: Well, this is all very exciting. You know, Wally, if we are invisible, what if we just walk into the bank and take some money?

Wally: Yeah!

Beaver walks into the room.

Beaver: Are you guys really going to be invisible? Can you sneak into Emmett's fix-it shop and steal all of his tools? That would be a real kick. I can't stand him for laughing at us!

June: What would you do with his tools? At least with money I could buy more pearls. (pause) On the other hand we could take out the middle man and knock over a jewelry store. (pause) Nah, a bank floats all our boats.

Beaver: What do boats have to do with this?

June: Never mind, Beaver. Just keep thinking about your tools.

Wally: I know one of the tellers at Mooney's bank. Her name is Brenda and she always leaves her drawer open. The cash is just sitting out there waiting to be grabbed.

June: What a perfect setup. She goes on break and we scoop up the cash. She comes back to an empty drawer.

Wally: She'd lose her job though.

June: Could we get some counterfeit bills and put them in there, in the place of the real bills we take?

Wally on the phone: Could you hook us up with some counterfeit bills? They don't have to work, but they just have to look real. Oh? You have some already made that look real? Okay. Yes, come over.

June: Who was that?

Wally: It's this guy I met once when I dated that wild girl. You know, the one who drank beer and stuff? He's going to hook us up with some phony bills. Maybe you could whip up some cookies for him. He loves cookies. Any flavor.

Beaver: Gee, Wally, so you guys are going to walk into a bank invisible and take money? When you leave the bank, won't you need a getaway car? I can drive you know, Dad taught me. I'm not very good yet, but I won't crash. Can I please?

Wally: I have to ask Mom first and she's busy baking. This guy, Buzz, he's scary looking so don't freak out. I hope one of those nosy women isn't sneaking around and sees this guy. They'll flip their purple wigs.

Beaver: If you're invisible how would I know when to drive away?

Wally: We'll be able to talk. Just leave the window open.

June: The chocolate chip cookies are baking. So, this guy is Marlene's main squeeze?

Beaver: What's a main squeeze?

June: How old are you? 15? 16?

Beaver: Never mind.

Wally: Meanwhile, yes.

June: I like her. What's she been doing lately?

Wally: Still smoking, still hanging out at Hanks Place.

Beaver (drooling): Hanging out? What's hanging out?

June: Are you asking for a definition of hanging out or are you wanting to know what particular thing is ...uh...hanging out?

Beaver: It sounded to me like something was hanging out.

June: You may leave the room.

Beaver: I may need to leave the room.

June: Then, go. Now.

Wally: Again, meanwhile back at the ranch, yes, he is.

June: He is what? And why are we talking about ranches?

Wally: Generally, we Cleavers have communication problems. Never mind the ranch. And yes, he is Marlene's main squeeze.

June: Marlene--hmmm. I'd sort of forgotten about her. I wonder what she is doing lately, what she's involved in, and what she is smoking.

Wally: She smokes this stuff that makes her hungry for brownies or something, I don't remember.

June: (laughs) Wally, what are you talking about? She smokes something which makes her want to eat brownies? That sounds crazy. Anyway, let's not go down this rabbit hole...

Wally: Rabbit hole? Rabbits?

June: Figure it out. Now, I think we should shove the money into our clothing. If we use a suitcase, they'll see a floating suitcase in mid-air and will probably scream.

Wally: That would be bad for us. Okay. I wonder how much the bank will have? Is it hundreds or thousands?

June: Just hope it's a lot because your father is off bird watching. (rolls eyes) I wish he would have spent more time making money. (sighs)

Sam, June, and Wally are sitting in their car at the bank.)

June: I have a really good view and I see two tellers on duty, just like we thought. It's 9:50, probably one of them goes on break at 10.

(At 10, a teller leaves.)

(Sam does her thing.)

Wally: Wow, this is cool. Imagine what I could do...

June: Wally! Get your mind on the task at hand, and out of the gutter.

Wally: What does the gutter have to do with anything? I wasn't thinking about a drain.

June: Wally, sometime I'm going to have to have a long talk with you. You appear to be on a par with the Beaver.

Wally: Anyway, it's kinda weird with these voices in the air. You'd have to be careful on a crowded sidewalk because people would run into you.

June: Well, let's go in. We're gonna hve to be quiet in there. Also walk quietly. I'll rifle her drawer. (Wally laughs.) Cool it, Wally.

Wally: Cool it?

June: STOP! Now, quiet as a church mouse.

Wally: Church...?

June: LATER!

(They enter and head to the closed teller window. The drawer is open, and June does some rifling. The teller at the next window looks over, gets an odd expression, and says Nah. Then they head back to the car. The window is cracked.)

June: Sam, it's us. (They enter.) I'd say there was at least $5000 in that drawer. I also noticed the vault was open but there may be an interior locked door. It's only 10:10, let's see if the other teller goes on break after this one returns. I'll bet she leaves her drawer open too. This place is all kinds of careless.

Wally: There are a lot of larger bills. They probably get a lot of withdrawals during the day.

June: Aha! Here comes the first teller. (pause) And there goes the other one. We have plenty of time--let's go back in and just see if she left her drawer open too.

(They go back in and check.)

June (whispers, since they're not in anyone's earshot): Yes! That one is open, too.

(They return to the car, hoping again no one saw the doors appear to open by themselves.)

June: That drawer looked to be about the same. We could get at least $10,000 if things went as smooth as today. Of course, doing is a lot harder than casing.

Wally: I saw around how many bills there are. The real problem will be carrying the fake bills in in our clothes and pulling a switch without someone noticing.

June: Let's say they do notice and push an alarm. We exit with nothing, but still aren't caught. Even if the doors are seen moving, they wouldn't know what was going on. Sam, Wally--any other thoughts?

Sam: I have a thought. All of this casing is making me antsy. I'm going to go in the back of the bank and scream bloody murder. They're all going to rush out to see what is going on and you guys can run in and grab all the money. If the drawers aren't open, try to find the keys. They must have them right there. I want to get this over with because I'm getting nervous. And you guys are going to reappear in 40 minutes. Let's go now.

They all rush up to the bank. Sam goes around back and screams. All the people in the bank go outside to check on her.

June and Wally go into the bank and rush over to the teller area.

Wally: This one drawer is open! I'm taking it all!

June: Mine is locked but I see the key hanging on a tiny hook....I got it open! There are hundreds in here!

Wally: Hurry! I think I hear somebody coming back in!

June: I got the last of it. Put the fake bills in quick and let's run to the car!

Sam is escorted into the bank by one of the tellers.

Sam: There was a large man with a ski mask. He assaulted me and then when I screamed, he ran off.

June and Wally go the car and wait for Sam to return.

Sam: I need to go home and calm down. I'll return in a little bit so I can report the crime officially. Thanks for your concern everyone.

She rushes back to the car, gets in and hits the gas.

Wally: Do we have time to swing by the fix-it shop? I promised Beaver I would try to do him this favor.

Sam: You've got about 15 minutes so make it snappy!

Wally asks June for her lipstick and jumps out of the car. Emmett has the CLOSED sign up as he knew he would. He always goes to hang out and eat donuts at the diner at this time.

Wally grabs some tools and trashes the place. He breaks a few clocks. He writes on the window in red lipstick IT'S TIME TO FIND A NEW CAREER, LOSER.

(At the bank)

Mooney: What has happened while we were outside?

Russ: The young lady who screamed said she was attacked by a man in a ski mask, according to Brenda.

Mooney: Brenda! Is everything OK over there?

Brenda: Yes, I think so. Wait! My cash drawer is a little messy looking.

Mooney: Did anyone see this guy in the mask?

No one speaks up.

Mooney: I think I better call the cops.

(At the Cleavers')

June: What a rush! No one saw us, obviously; they'll never find Sam! No one saw the car. Sam, this was wonderful!

Sam: Just remember, I get a larger share. Also, just to let you know, I cast a spell and altered my appearance--different color hair and clothes; stuff like that. It expired awhile ago, just about when you became visible again. You just didn't notice in al the rushing and confusion.

June: Fine! 40% for you, and 30% each for us? How's that? Also, great idea to disguise yourself.

Wally: Gee, Sam, you are brilliant. Color me impressed.

Beaver: Color you?

Wally: I'll tell you later. Hey, Beav! I trashed the fix-it shop and I broke some clocks just like you asked.

Beaver: Boy, you're a swell big brother, Wally! Thanks.

Wally: Yeah, I wrote in lipstick for him to find a new career and called him a loser. Do you think that was going too far?

Beaver is laughing maniacally.

June: Good heavens, you boys are so naughty. (giggles)

Sam: Let's count the loot!

June: I have 11,333 dollars!

Wally: I have 877 dollars. Let's split it up. Let's go out to eat to celebrate!

Sam: Thanks for the cash, Cleavers! I'm going home to rest up.

The Cleavers walk into the diner and sit down in a booth. Wally sees Emmett and another man in a corner table.

Wally: You guys order everything and I'm going to go to the Men's Room because I see Emmett Clark over there.

Wally: Good afternoon, Mr. Clark. How are you?

Emmett: Hi, Wally. This is my good friend, Howard Sprague, the county clerk. I was just telling him the horrible news.

Wally: News, Sir?

Howard: The bank was robbed and the fix-it shop was vandalized earlier today.

Wally: Oh, no! Excuse me, I need to use the restroom. (laughs loudly in the stall)

Meanwhile at the Police Station--

Sgt. Friday: Where do we stand, Gannon?

Gannon: At 10:10 am the bank emptied due to the scream from the blond-haired girl. We have a camera image of her. We have a couple of good prints from the teller cash drawers, and they match up with no prints we have on file. Mr. Erskine from the FBI is due here shortly. We have exterior shots of the cars that were in the parking lot at the time, and we have yet to analyze those--that film is still being developed. The interior camera images show no one other than the employees at the teller cash drawers and we've checked the footage between 10 and 11 am. The money was lifted and replaced, apparently magically, at approximately 10:15 am--that was at teller 1 drawer--at teller 2 drawer, which was closed, it was opened, again apparently magically, and rifled. I'll call it toy money because it's too obviously fake to be called counterfeit, replaced the money in both drawers.

Friday: The fake bills replaced the real bills. You put it that way because all of this happened without the aid of a person?

Gannon: Yes. Again we are awaiting analysis of the situation from Mr. Erskine and his agents.

Friday: My first thought is occult practices. We need to check into anyone and everyone who is involved in these practices in the town of Mayfield. Let me know when we have developed footage from the exterior camera to analyze. Just the facts, that's what i want. It's a good thing this happened at the first bank in Mayfield that is covered by cameras; let's see how it will help us solve this. Oh, Bill--are any of the bills marked?

Gannon: Yes, Joe--several random bills from each drawer are marked, and we have the exact marking information from the bank records.

Later on Tuesday evening...

June: Ward is home, boys. Set the dinner table.

Ward: Hi, family!

Family: Hi, dad. Did you enjoy watching birds in Northern Ohio?

Ward: I did. But it's the gosh darnedest thing. I can't remember why I went to a bird watching conference in the first place.

June: Well, I'm glad you found a new hobby dear. I made all your favorite dishes and we're having cherry pie for dessert because I know how much you love my cherry pie.

Ward: Swell!

A knock is heard at the door and Wally answers it.

Wally: Can I help you gentlemen?

Detectives: We need to speak to your mother, is she home?

Wally: Yes, please come in. We're just sitting down to dinner.

Ward: What is this about?

Joe: We've traced some bills that were stolen from the Mayfield Bank to The Snappy Lunch diner. Mrs. Cleaver, you were there earlier with your sons, isn't that correct?

June: I never even heard--

Joe: Before you go any further, Mrs. Cleaver, you fit the description given by the diner manager, as does your son. We also have a search warrant for your premises. It also may interest you to know we have Samantha Stephens in custody. We have had her under surveillance for some time, and have identified her as being at your home on several occasions. We have neutralized her use of the occult. Now, you were saying, Mrs. Cleaver?

Ward: June, what is this?

June: Ward, these cops don't have anything on me.

Wally: That's right dad, they're bluffing.

Joe: We have fingerprints from the bank.

Gannon: Joe, we have found two envelopes in a purse upstairs. Some of the bills in both envelopes are marked, and are from the Mayfield Bank.

Joe: Mrs. Cleaver, and--I assume you are Wallace--would you care to explain your possession of marked bills?

June: Samantha paid me for baking her some cookies. She probably robbed the bank.

Joe: So this is your purse? It has your identification in it.

June: Well, one would have to assume so, yes.

Joe: June Cleaver, Wallace Cleaver you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

Ward: She is under arrest?

Joe: Mr. Cleaver (?) Ward: yes. Joe: We will take their fingerprints at police headquarters. We are sure they will match the fingerprints taken at the bank. (turning to June) We have the facts, ma'am.

Beaver: They did it. And a lot more.

June: All right. I give up.

Wally: Me too.

Gannon (to Joe): What about the juvenile?

Joe: What is your name, son?

Beaver: Theodore. You will also hear me called Beaver; that is my nickname.

Joe: Cleaver?

Beaver: Yes.

Joe: We would like you to come with us, too, son. I would like to question you as to what part you have played in all of this, and what else you may know. (to Ward): I assume you are her husband, Mr. Cleaver?

Ward: Yes.

Joe: You may come along with us, also, if you'd like.

Ward: I'm in shock and a little numb, but I'll follow your car.

June awakens in bed screaming.

Ward: June, what's wrong?

June: Oh, goodness! I had the worst dream ever! I was being arrested! Oh, Ward!

Ward: Arrested? For what? Not putting enough cherries in the pie? (chuckles)

June attempts to laugh but sort of chokes.

Ward: Try to get some sleep, Honey.

Ward rolls over and falls asleep immediately.

June tiptoes out of the room into the boys' room and wakes up Wally.

Down in the kitchen, June is serving Wally some pie.

June: Wally, I had a nightmare. We were arrested. They traced the marked bills to us somehow. Could they really do that? We have to launder the money!!

Wally: We have to launder the money? What is this, Dragnet?

June: Wally, I'm serious! We have to get rid of all traces of that money. Gather all of your loot up now and let's hop in the car. We have to give it away to a charity. Let's donate it to a soup kitchen. We can put all our cash in the locked box on the outside.

Wally: Okay. I guess we really went too far.

June: Yes, and in my dream, they said they neutralized Samantha's powers. Is that a thing do you think?

Wally: Sounds bogus to me. Let's go!

They drop off all the cash into the donation box at Soup For You charity and drive back home.

June: We will just have to make extra cash another way. This was too dangerous and risky.

Beaver comes into the kitchen and pours himself a glass of milk.

Beaver: I know another way we could make money. We blackmail people. We find out things they've done and want to keep secret and we blackmail them. They have to pay us or we squeal.

June: You know, it sounds sillier every time I think of it. Neutralize powers! And you wouldn't believe who these cops were, speaking of Dragnet!

Wally: Also the cops might say they neutralized powers, in an effort to get us to talk, but I doubt it's possible. BUT, marking bills is a common practice. Maybe you saw it done on Highway Patrol.

June: We have to get with Sam and get her buy-in on getting rid of this money. Tout de suite!

Wally: Toot what?

June: Here we go again. Fast, quick! Oh, and Beaver, I'm proud of you, son. That's a pretty good idea. With Eddie's contacts he could help with that; maybe we try to bring Marlene into the act, too.

Beaver and Wally react together:

Beaver: Good idea on Marlene.
Wally: Good idea on both.

June: You know, Wally, I wonder if Sam dream-cursed me? Then we approach her about dumping the money, and she says she'll take care of it, but instead she keeps it all. By the way we DID pass some of that money at the diner, didn't we? Oh, Wally, I'm a nervouse wreck!

Wally: Yes, we paid our check with the marked bills. But there is no way for them to prove it was us. It could have been anybody in there who ate that day. It could have been Emmett Clark or his friend the country clerk.

June: The county clerk is Emmett's friend?

Wally: Yeah, Howard somebody. Why?

June: I bet he knows where all the bodies are buried in this town and we can find out from him where they are.

Wally: Bodies? Buried? They're in the Mayfield Cemetery.

June: It's an expression, Wally. Get with the times.

Wally: Oh, an expression. So how do we get this juicy info from the county clerk?

June: I don't know exactly. But Ward bought a pair of very expensive high-powered binoculars for his bird watching and we might be able to use those to spy on people.

Wally: Good idea.

June: What if we found a vantage point to spy on the Fixit Shop, and look for somebody we know to drop off an item Clark won't fix? Let's say somebody like Clara or Aggie. Then we somehow get in their purse and exchange their bills with some marked bills from our take.
Then Clark ends up with marked bills.

Wally: Yeah but what does that do for us? Other than up our chances of getting caught if we break into a house and switch bills.

June: In any event we probably should get rid of any marked bills, even if we have to burn them. You know, we're really acting like amateurs. A real criminal would laugh in our faces.

Wally: Hey! Get advice from somebody who's kinda like a con man. Who's close to a criminal but just barely legal. (He snaps his fingers.) There's a guy over near the Marine base who's shady and his name is Friendly Freddy. I wonder if he'd help us. We could pay him with some marked bills.

June: Wally, we're really running out of ideas. I thought we were done with Aggie, but I'd sure like to figure out a way to put the screws to her again.

Wally: Put the screws? Is she falling apart?

June: Never mind. Just keep brainstorming, and be glad the real cops aren't as smart as the ones in my dream.

June decides to go for a walk downtown to clear her head and spots Samantha in a dress shop.

June: Samantha! Why are you looking at that expensive coat? I would like to have a word with you. Did you give me a dream curse to make me think I donated all our loot to the soup kitchen? I have a sinking feeling you took all the loot for yourself. Spit it out!

Sam: Shucks, Mrs. C. You caught me. Let's keep our voices down. I put a dream curse on you but you actually did donate two thousand of the marked bills to the charity. I felt guilty for doing everything and I wanted to make amends a bit so you did that. But then the rest of the dream curse required you to swing by my place and put the rest of the cash in my mailbox. I've got about ten thousand dollars now, isn't it grand?

June: For heaven's sake! You are one smooth operator. But those are marked bills. If you buy this expensive coat, it will be traced back to you and you'll do time! How can you be so dumb?

Sam: Marked bills? I never thought of that.

June: We need to launder this money immediately. How can we do it?

Sam: In the washing machine?

June: I'm dealing with idiots. Goodness, don't you watch mobster movies? Hello?

Sam: Oh, I did see a movie once where they did something to erase the money trail. But I think they had a dummy corporation or something. We don't have that. What can we do?

June: I think we need to buy something with all this cash but disguise ourselves and make sure they can't trace the purchase back to us. Then the marked bills are off our hands and onto the other party.

Sam: Party? Oh, right. But what can we buy for ten thousand dollars? A new car? Hey, maybe that guy Buzz could buy a couple of motorcycles. We can give him the money!

June: The other person. Heavens! Anyway, we'll buy him one motorcycle. Then we'll buy a car--$8000 will get us a really nice one. If I get a picture of a person can you make me look like the person in the picture?

Sam: Piece of cake.

June: I'll ask Wally if there will be paperwork to sign. Maybe they have a BMV branch at one of the dealers. Then I'll register the car to Agnes Haskell--that's who will be in the picture, and we'll park the car in front of her house. Oh, this could be the ultimate way to get her back! They'll eventually find the marked bills; I might even point it out to someone. I'd love to see her in the slammer! When you change my appearance does it wear off?

Sam: It's another hour-long spell.

June: Perfect!

Sam: Are all the bills marked?

June: No, we can still split the unmarked ones.

Sam: Didn't you pass some bills at the diner?

June: Yeah, but it's been a few days. They probably were never even noticed.

Later on, Wally and Eddie are in the kitchen with June.

June: So Eddie, I need you to get me your mother's signature. Don't ask me why just get it.

Eddie: Okay, Mrs. C. I will go get it right now. Her signature is on a lot of paperwork in the den and I'll grab something. I'll be right back.

Wally: What is going on?

June: I'm going to pretend to be Agnes Haskell and buy a new car with the marked bills. And then I'm going to park the car in front of her house. She will go to jail! (June dances gleefully around the kitchen.) Sam is going to make me look like her for one hour, you know, in one of her spells.

Wally: What a beautiful plan that is. You've got a beautiful mind.

June: Thanks, Sweetheart. And we're going to have Buzz buy a motorcycle with the rest of the money and have him or somebody else sell it and that way we get to split that cash with him. We'll end up having some money, maybe a few thousand. We need to get busy working on blackmailing some people. I wonder if we can break into the country clerk's office tonight?

Beaver: I've been there before, getting that bike license that Dad forgot to get. The guy's name is Mr. Sprague, and he's a first class ding-a-ling.

Eddie returns.

June: Oh, great Eddie. Thanks!

Eddie: Piece o' cake. Ciao!

June: Chow? Does he want to be fed?

Wally: Geez, this stuff is catching! Now you got it, Mom.

June: Well, anyway, Sam got a picture of Aggie someplace, probably at the newspaper office. So she can transform me into that crone, thank goodness for only an hour. I'll practice the signature on the way. We're off, Beav, ta ta!

Beaver (mumbles) Ta ta? What's that, some baby talk code?

(in the car.)

June: You know, things are so much more difficult to do, having to work around your father.

Wally: Maybe Sam could have him dream about another bird watching junket.

June: Wally, we don't want him to junk it, we want him to go!

Wally: Yep, catching...

They arrive at the car shop.

June: Yes, young man, I would like to buy a car today. I have cash and I want it today so show me what you've got.

A little later, June pulls up to the Haskells and leaves the car in their driveway. She jumps in Wally's car and they speed away, laughing.

Wally: Oh, man! This is going to be amazing! Can you imagine Mr. Haskell's face when he finds out you, I mean Agnes, bought a brand new car and then later finds out she used cash from the bank robbery!

June: I know it's wonderful, Honey, but keep your eyes on the road. You're starting to swerve.

June turns back into her self.

Wally: You're back!

June: Thank goodness for that. Being in that woman's skin made my own skin crawl underneath.

At Bright Motors:

Salesman to his manager:

This was the oddest transaction I've ever been involved in. A person walks in with $8000 cash and buys the car. Our sticker on the vehicle is $8032 and our broker accepts $8000 as a deal.

We register the vehicle to Agnes Haskell and she drives away.

Manager: Very odd. For ten days keep the $8000 in our safe. The whole transaction is suspicious. We have two weeks before we have to turn the registration paperwork over to the state, so keep that with the cash, in the safe.

Hey--I just noticed this cash is marked--you better notify the police.

At the Haskells':

George: Agnes, where did this car come from?

Agnes: I have no idea.

George: It's got the sticker on the rear window--$8032. It's brand new, and the key is in the ignition. You went to Bright Motors and bought a car, and didn't even discuss it with me?

Eddie joins them: Wow, you guys bought this cool car?

George: It appears your mother bought it; you certainly don't have $8000. I knew nothing about it.

Agnes faints and Eddie catches her.

A knock is heard at the Haskell's front door and George answers it.

George: Yes, officers, may I help you with something?

Officers: May we come in, Sir?

George: Yes, come in but what is this about?

They see Agnes on the couch passed out.

Officer 1: Is that your wife, Sir? Is she asleep?

George: She got faint and passed out for some reason.

Officer 2: Is it because she got overwhelmed with her brand new car? The excitement was just too much for her? (smirking)

George: What? No, she said that is not her car.

Officer 1: Well, the car salesman says it is. And she paid in cash.

Eddie: Why would Mom buy a car with cash? And where would she get that kind of money? She's always griping about not having enough.

Officer 2: Oh, is that right? Well, I guess she got tired of not having enough money. She robbed the Mayfield Bank. She used marked bills to buy that car.

George faints.

Officer 1 (quips): Well, I obviously don't have to tell her to remain silent, since she's passed out. They're both passed out.

Officer 1 and 2 wave smelling salts under both their noses. They both gradually awaken.

Officer 1: Mrs. Haskell, let me warn you, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. Did you buy the new car in your driveway, earlier today at bright Motors?

Aggie: Certainly not. The first time I saw it was in the driveway, awhile ago.

Officer 2: What were you doing at 10:00 this morning?

Aggie: Watching Concentration on TV.

Officer 1: Was anybody here with you?

Aggie: My husband was away, and he had not returned yet.

Officer 2: As we said, the car salesman has identified you as the purchaser.

Aggie: Well, he's wrong.

Officer 1: You paid cash. Where did you get it?

Aggie: I have around 20 dollars in cash, nowhere near enough to buy a car like that.

Officer 1: You paid $8000 in cash. Many of the bills you used went missing from Mayfield Bank yesterday.

Aggie: You say, went missing. What does that mean?

Officer 2: At this time we cannot call this a bank robbery, in the legal sense. Now, Mrs. Haskell, where did you get the money?

Aggie decides to throw a curve: It probably wasn't a holdup. I got the money from Brenda, the teller. We have our accounts at that bank, and I know her. And she said she was getting sick of the management--she's told me this many times--so the other day, she gave me over $8000.

Officer 1: Well, this is quite a story. I have decided not to place you under arrest, after all, at least for now. Please do not leave town; and we would prefer that you stay home until we contact you again. If this account is true, you may have committed a different crime. We need to investigate further.

The officers leave; so does Eddie.

At the Cleaver house:

Eddie walks in: Junie, you wouldn't believe what just happened. The cops came to arrest Aggie for the bank robbery, and she got out of it by pinning it on Brenda the teller.

June: What? Are you serious?

Eddie: They are not calling it a robbery. The problem is, apparently no one was seen robbing the bank. The paper said a woman screamed and claimed she was assaulted by a man with a ski mask, but they have been unable to verify that, nor have they been able to find the woman.

June: Hmm--that's interesting. Guess I need to pay more attention to the paper.

Eddie: The money just seemed to vanish, and was replaced with what they are calling toy currency, not really professional counterfeit. The article says it's one of the strangest police cases in Mayfield history. Well, I gotta be going. Ciao!

June: Ciao! (He leaves) WALLY!!!!

Wally: What is it?

June: The police were going to arrest Agnes but she told them the teller Brenda gave her the money. Why would she do that?

Wally: She must have panicked when she realized she was set up. I don't think she would ever suspect you because she thinks you're her BFF now. This Brenda will just deny it and then what?

June: I guess it'll be a wash and nobody will go to jail? But will they return the car? And I suppose the bank will get that money back?

Wally: I think so. Well, we sure had fun. We didn't get the result we wanted. But we had a blast. (Wally exits.)

June (to herself): I've got to find another way to take down Agnes!!!!

June (thinking): Big help he is.

BEAVER!

(He enters.) Yes, mom?

June: So you wanted to mess with Eddie, right?

Beaver: Oh, yes, mom!

June: I might be able to sneak some mayo into something, if we invite him over to lunch. Just a little, to give him some distress. What do you think of that?

Beaver: I wanna be there!

June: Certainly! Now, I have a little problem. You've been following the Aggie saga, right? We thought she was going to be arrested for the bank robbery. But she wasn't, and I want to find a way to nail her, still. Do you have any ideas?

Beaver: Yes, I'm up on it. I've been listening to you and Wally. What if you had Sam dream curse Aggie into believing she really did knock over the bank? So she has nightmares for like three nights and wakes up yelling, I've gotta confess! Part of the curse would be her confessing she yelled that a man in a ski mask assaulted her, then she went in and scooped the money out of the cash drawer.

June: Yes, but nobody witnessed that, since it didn't happen that way.

Beaver: Well, it could work. I read in the paper the cops are under increasing pressure to solve this thing. They may not care about discrepancies if she confesses. And certainly Brenda would go along with anything that takes suspicion off her.

But let's say it didn't work. We'd have messed with her for two or three nights of driving her to the edge.

June: Discrepancies...pretty impressive vocabulary!

Beaver: They used it in the paper. I had to look it up.

June: Oh. I knew there had to be an explanation for that. Anyway, let me think about your idea. One problem is that Sam would want more money.

Beaver: I think the dream curse is a good idea to use on Agnes. But instead of having her dream that she was assaulted by a man in a ski mask, she dreams that some other women, her accomplice did the screaming as a way to distract attention away from Agnes robbing the bank. We could have her dream that Martha was the accomplice. Would that work?

June: Oh, killing two old birds with one stone would be lovely. But Sam disguised herself when she screamed and sadly, she didn't make herself look like Martha. So I don't think that part would work. Darn it.

Beaver: Maybe having her confess to the bank robbery is a bridge too far.

June: Bridges?

Beaver: It's an expression. A bridge too far is just too far away from where we can expect to go. So I think we need to think smaller. We should have her dream cursed to think she did something else. Maybe she could think she stole a dress from Martha's dress shop. That would get the two women at each others' throats. But Sam or one of us needs to go invisible and actually steal a dress. Maybe we could steal a new set of pearls for you, too. Just don't wear them around town.

June: You're so smart! And all that talk of bridges being too far away is very impressive. I think you will grow up to be a writer after all. (beams with pride)

Beaver: I'm going to call Eddie to invite him over for lunch. Think of some reason why you need to see him. Meanwhile, get out the mayonnaise!

June: Im going to have to put a little mayo in something that wouldn't normally have it. Let's see.........an omelette! Ham and cheese. And a tiny bit of mayo that he'd never even be able to taste. Oh I just love to plot!

Beaver: Me too! That is, I love it when you plot, particularly against Eddie.

June: This Aggie thing is nagging at me. The cops have the goods on her, yet they can't call it a robbery. If only they could find some film on their cameras--film they missed. I'd ask Sam if she could do anything with that, but I think that's an overreach.

Beaver: Overreach?

June: A bridge too far. Maybe I need to talk to Sam. Hey! I wonder if she could get us in there after hours and we could do something with the film. I just can't let go of this!

Beaver: Maybe Sam is the answer.

June: I really like your idea about Martha. Actually, a home run would be all four of those biddies--Aggie, Martha, Gladys, and Clara.

Beaver: You have an idea that has to do with baseball?

June: Hmm--awhile ago I was impressed when you came up with discrepancy. Must have been an anomaly.

Beaver: Who's Molly?

June: Ah, now all's right with the world.

Beaver: Good to hear it. Maybe you and Wally or you and Sam have to do another robbery. I know it's very risky but this time you don't have to worry as much. Sam and you or Wally will be disguised as Martha, Agnes, and Clara. If I go too, I could be Gladys. (chuckles) Then they will all be on camera!

June: That does sound pretty great. We'd need to pick a bank in a town that's even smaller than Mayberry where the hicks won't be wise to us.

Beaver: I heard of this town called Hooterville. They're supposed to be really backwards. There is one couple who lives there and their son is a pig. An actual pig!

June: You've got to be kidding me.

Beaver: No, I'm for real. And this pig is the smartest one in the town. If we do the bank robbery there, we have to make sure this pig is not around or he'll be able to sniff us out and report us.

June: Are you for real?

Beaver: Yes, it's all true. Believe me. I have to go over to Gilbert's now and pretend like I'm just an average boy and not plotting to be invisible to rob banks now. I'll catch you later.

June: Okay!

Eddie enters the kitchen.

Eddie: I'm hungry, what's for lunch, Mrs. C?

June: Oh, I thought we'd have omelettes for lunch. Say, Eddie, don't you find it strange that your parents both fainted when confronted by the police?

Eddie: My mom is sort of a fainter but I can't believe my own father would faint.

June: A grown man should not faint.

Eddie: I guess we all can't be brave and stoic like Ward.

June: I guess not. Well, eat up. You're a growing boy!

Eddie: That was a delicious omelette, Junie. But for some reason I'm not feeling too good now. Oh, your food is great, but my mother's cooking--another matter.

June: Oh, poor baby. (She strokes his forehead). Eddie: I think I'll go home and lie down.

(He leaves, and shortly Beaver returns).

Beaver: I saw Eddie leaving? June: Yes. He just ate. I'll cook yours.

Beaver: Did he say anything about not feeling good?

June: You got it!

Beaver: Bingo! I love it!

June: Now about Hooterville. So the pig is the smartest one there?

Beaver: Yeah. Richard knows somebody over there. He's always got a story about the goofballs. There's some lawyer from New York who bought a broken down farm, and does chores in his suit. He makes speeches about the American farmer while somebody plays a fife.

June: Interesting. Hope this bank has a decent amount of money. And some idiot guard--or maybe no guard. We need to case it, invisible. And would they even have a camera? I guess we'll see.

Beaver: Mom, please let me go. The most exciting thing I usually do is wait for the next albums from the record club.

June: All right, you can be one of the ladies.

Beaver: That'll be an experience.

Sam and June are in the kitchen the next morning.

Sam: Who do you want to play, June? Agnes?

June: Yes, I want to be Agnes. And you can be Martha. Beaver will be Gladys and Wally will be Clara.

Sam: Since we can only remain invisible for one hour, we'll have to do the switcheroo when we get to Hooterville. I hope that pig isn't in the bank. I heard he's the only one smart enough to figure us out. What a strange town it must be. Will you make sandwiches for the trip, June?

June: Yes, we'll make a picnic out of the whole thing. It's possible they don't have cameras at this tiny bank. So somebody needs to take pictures and then we can maybe send them in to their tiny newspaper.

Sam: Good thinking. I hope they have more than a few hundred dollars.

June: I think they would. All banks have to have money. I wonder if they have a safe we could crack? Can you crack safes, do you think?

Sam: Yes, if they have a safe, I can crack it. They might have gold bars in there!

June: This is it? Blink and you'd miss it. I feel like I'm in North Fork and Lucas will come out of the Sheriff's office.

Beaver: This is it. It's just like Richard talks about.

Sam: Well, there's the bank. Easy to see when there's only seven stores.

June: There's hardly anybody around; that's good. There's a pig tied up to that post over there.

Sam: Perfect diversion. I'll scream that he's been run over. He's by that laundromat; maybe his owner is doing the wash and he'll be there for awhile.

Beaver: What's next? Nobody's noticed us.

Sam: OK, get ready to be invisible, and note the time. (She does her thing and they all disappear.)

June: OK, let's go in. And remember to whisper in there. If no one's around the safe, Sam, see if it's open or locked. I'll check out the camera situation--let's hope they've heard of them!

Sam: Got it! (They go in.)

June: One teller. The guy back there is probably the manager. No guard.

Sam: The safe is open. I rifled some bills. Some are marked.

(They go outside)

June: Well, we have awhile invisible. Maybe we should do some laundry.

Sam: Even though we're invisible, I have already changed us to the old ladies. When we reappear, we'll be our new selves.

(So they waited and talked for a while. Anyone going by just sees a parked car.)

June: When we reappear and go in, should we make some token effort at a mask? So they can be recognized, but they tried.

Wally: Good idea. Mom, do you have a big scarf?

June: Yeah, I just happen to have one. I thought it was chilly this morning. I'll rip it apart. (They reappear in their old lady forms, and sloppily tie on the scarfs.)

"Martha": Well, no one's around, still. Guys, does anybody know the pig's name?

"Gladys": Yeah, Richard told me it's Arnold.

"Martha" (unties Arnold and yells): Oh, help! Somebody help! Arnold's been hit by a car!

(They stand aside and turn their backs. The manager and teller run out and they run in.)

The group grabs all the bills they can. They meet the startled manager and teller coming back in.

"Aggie": What a two bit operation! You'll never catch us!

They take off. The bank manager notes the license number.

"Clara": What a brilliant idea it was to take the car out of Aggie's driveway. Lucky Bright Motors hadn't taken it back yet.

"Aggie": The money's in the trunk. We'll just leave the car back in the driveway. Piece o' cake. And I took a good amount of it out for us. We'll get rid of any markings, but I tried to get us unmarked ones.

(They leave the car in the Haskell driveway.)

June: Thank goodness I'm me again!

(They are hotfooting it down the block to June's car.)

Beaver: Yeah, it was weird being an old lady. I think Gladys must have rheumatism.

At the picnic, everybody is enjoying themselves and laughing about how easy it was to rob that little bank.

June: This was the best time I can ever remember having. I almost wish Ward could be a part of our lifestyle but he's too judgmental. (sighs)

Wally: I guess it's good we have one law-abiding citizen in our family though, right?

Beaver: Sure is. He makes a good cover.

Sam: Let's go now and count the money when we get inside. It's a little windy and we don't want our lovely money to fly away.

Later in the kitchen, it's just Sam and June. The boys are upstairs taking showers.

Sam: June, I didn't want to say anything in front of the boys, I just wanted to let you know first so you can decide what to share with them. I found a bunch of great stuff in that safe. I found some diamond necklaces and a ruby ring and a sapphire necklace. I don't know why they had jewelry just sitting out in the open like that but they did. Is there any way they can mark jewelry the way they can mark bills? We could each take a diamond necklace. But we can't wear them around town or somebody might get suspicious.

June: Diamond necklaces! Oh, I'm thrilled! What a lovely town and that pig was cute too. (chuckles)

Sam: Yep, diamonds! I think I even saw a couple of pearl necklaces in there.

June: Pearls? That's my weakness. But, Sam, after what happened they will probably close that safe, and be on their guard. At least for a while.

Sam: We could probably outwit them again, but we can talk about it.

June: I'm just dying to know what happens to the gruesome foursome. Eddie will know, if he's feeling better.

Sam: He's not feeling well?

June: Yes, he says his mother is a lousy cook.

Sam: Well, I'll be going. Think about it.

Eddie comes in. Well, I'm feeling a little better today.

June: Good, probably best not to eat your mother's cooking again.

Eddie: I probably won't. They hauled her to the police station. Maybe they're still trying to charge her for the Mayfield Bank robbery.

June: Oh, what a shame. (She smirks)

Eddie: Yeah, isn't it? (typical Eddie chuckle follows)

A knock is heard at the door.

June: Georgie Boy! Hello! Come in. What can I do for you on this sunny day?

(Eddie hears it's his father, and hides but listens in.)

George: Junie, Junie, Junie! What will I ever do without my Aggie? She's been taken down to police headquarters. She's being questioned about a bank robbery in some off-the-map town called Pigsville or something.

June: Hooterville?

George: That's the one.

June: Well, Georgie Boy, I've tried to tell you on several occasions that your wife is just not all there, upstairs.

George: She's not upstairs though, the jail is on the first floor.

June: I mean, up here (points to her head) in the brain compartment.

George: But she would rob a bank? Good heavens. Aren't I a good provider, Junie?

June: Next to Ward, you're one of the best, George. But Agnes has always had a weakness for the finer things in life. She's always moaning to her friends about how she never gets to buy expensive jewelry. She's especially fond of sapphire and rubies. And those items are just out of our price range here in the middle of America.

George: I am astounded at her brazen attempts though. A bank robbery! I feel faint. I'd better sit down.

June: So they think she robbed a bank all by herself?

George: No they think she's part of a gang of 4. I'd say hold onto your hat but you're not wearing one. The other three are Gladys Cravitz, Clara Edwards, and Martha Clark.

June: Oh, my! And, George, I quit wearing hats years ago. I never wear them.

George: Oh, uh, OK. Junie, this is real trouble. Robbing a bank is a federal crime, so the FBI is involved. But they had trouble finding Hogville on a map.

June (mumbles): I'll let that one pass.

June: Well, Georgie, I'm so sorry to hear. Come over anytime you'd like to talk. Would you like to come to dinner tomorrow night? I'm sure Ward would like to see you.

George: I'll let you know. Thanks! (leaves)

Eddie enters: Holy cow! I hadn't heard about the other three hags. I'll see ya. (he leaves.)

June dances around the kitchen. I feel like a split personality. I just LOVE this!

Wally comes in. Still celebrating, huh?

June: Oh, yes. I can't stop. Weren't we gonna take care of Fred? I've thought about Gilbert, too, but I can tell Beaver values his friendship. Oh, we just gotta keep on!!

Wally: Or there's an old saying, quit while you're ahead. Remember, Mom, criminals usually get caught sooner or later.

June: Yes, they do say that. But winners never lose! And I feel so gosh darned lucky!

Wally: Okay, but let's be discreet. Now what is the next plan of action?

June: I told Sam to plant a ruby ring she found in the safe in Agnes's belongings so the police will find it. I didn't tell you about the ring until now. But once they find that ring in her possession, she's toast.

Wally: Bread? From the toaster?

June: Forget it. No time for lessons today. We need to work on Fred next. He always gives your father such a hard time and I'm sick and tired of it. What can we do to Fred?

Wally: Hey, maybe we can get him fired. Sam can make herself invisible and go to his office and mess stuff up and maybe lose stuff of his so he can't do his job right and they can him.

June: Can?

Wally: Fire him.

June: That sounds like a brilliant plan. Can you go butter up your friend Sam for us? Tell her she can keep the sapphire necklace she also found in the safe. Tell her to hang onto it and one day she can try to sell it. I'm sure she can find someone who will buy it and not snitch. It's got to be worth thousands of dollars. That way she won't feel like we're just using her, she'll feel well paid.

Wally: Sapphires and rubies? Gosh, I wonder who in that pig town is rich? Maybe some oil baron or something lives there. Odd.

June: Well, it's probably what they call their safe deposit box. It's a safe, and it has deposits, but they're not safe. Not around us, lol!

Wally: Who is Lol?

June: More future talk, son--I have some powers, too. Someday, you might know.

Wally: I believe it. Another thing we can do for Sam is find out if there's anyone she'd like us to help her mess up. Yes, she has powers but maybe we could help.

June: Good; ask her! I wonder what's going on with the Hooterville Four. You know, I'd love to be a fly on the wall at the police station.

Wally: You want to be a fly? Don't ever talk like that in front of Sam.

June: Refresh my memory; you DID graduate, right?

At the poiice station:

Lewis Erskine, FBI: OK, let's go over this again. Four older ladies, you ladies, drive the car that you, Mrs. Haskell, bought with marked money, which originated from a money disappearance at Mayfield Bank. You drive that car to a small town called Hooterville, create a diversion, and raid the open bank safe. We've found no fingerprints, but the two bank employees have identified all of you, and one employee, the manager, gave us the license plate number of the car you used. And in that car was marked money from that safe. Is that correct?

Agnes: Ladies, am I correct in saying that we know nothing of any of that?

Martha, Gladys, Clara: We know nothing.

Erskine: Ladies, this is not Hogan's Heroes, and the evidence is not circumstantial. It is absolute.

Gladys: But you just said you have no fingerprints.

Erskine: But we have a positive identification on all of you. Plus we have a bank camera shot. Since none of you has a record, it will go easier on you if you confess.

Clara: Some of us think June Cleaver has engineered this, somehow.

Agnes: June Cleaver is a wonderful woman. Don't include me in that nutty assertion.

Clara: Agnes, you're exasperating. Ever since you took a leave of absence you've taken leave of your senses too. Now all of a sudden you're all chummy with June Cleaver, the wicked witch of Mayfield!

Agnes: Do not disparage my dear friend June, please.

Agent Colby: Why did you take a leave of absence, Mrs. Haskell?

Agnes: Oh, I was in the hospital for some food poisoning and then I started getting sharp pains in my back, like somebody was poking me with a needle. It was dreadful. But then I suddenly was missing from the hospital and I was suddenly home with my husband and I have no recollection of where I was during those missing hours.

Clara: I told you that June Cleaver is a witch and I think she was doing voodoo on you! But you don't believe me anymore. She must have put a forgetful spell on you!

Colby: Ladies, this is getting a bit wild. Can you provide alibis for the hours that you were seen at the Hooterville bank?

Agnes: I think I was home watching T.V.

Clara: I was at home too. I think I was on the phone with Martha here. Right, Martha?

Martha: Yes, check the phone records, Agent Colby. That should prove Martha and I could not have been in that One Pig Town during that time.

Colby: One Pig Town?

Gladys: There is a pig that lives there. He's quite famous.

Colby: I never heard of him. He can't be that famous. Anyway, where were you, Mrs. Kravitz?

Gladys: I was looking out my front window spying on my neighbors like I always do. Mind you, I'm not one to pry. I just like to look out for my neighbors and make sure no burglars are trying to sneak into their houses. You know what I mean? I'm a good neighbor.

Colby grunts.

Clara: You sound just like Arnold!

Colby: Who?

Clara: Arnold the pig.

Colby: Oh, for Pete's sake.

Clara: Pete? Pete Ross? Clark Kent's loyal friend?

Colby: I need to go get another cup of coffee. This day is just getting longer and longer.

Erskine: Excuse us a moment, ladies.

Colby: These four could rob a bank?

Erskine: We have the evidence.

Colby: Ladies, with regard to phone records: there are no phone records of local calls, unless we get a court order. Then the telephone company sets up a tap.

Clara: You think a group of old busybodies like us could go to Boarsville, which none of us have ever heard of let alone could ever find, untie a pig and claim he's been hit by a car, open a safe and remove the contents? By the way, would either of you gentlemen like piano lessons?

Erskine: No, thank you. By the way, it's Hooterville.

Colby: So, if I understand correctly, some of you ladies are blaming the use of the occult by one June Cleaver for all of this?

Agnes: The three delusional ladies here are, count me out on that.

Erskine: Excuse us again, ladies.

Colby: I must admit, it's a strain to think these four could have pulled this off. Do you think we should investigate their claims?

Erskine: They're outlandish. We have an awful lot of hard evidence, and they have no alibis. Perhaps we could investigate to see if there are any solved cases which involve use of the occult. There's something with all of this that just does not add up.

Perry Mason struts into the police station.

Perry: I'm representing all four of these fine ladies. They are being hoodwinked. They are sweet dear women who would not hurt a fly. The idea that they would untie a poor pig and hope he got hit by a car to provide cover is a salacious lie and I won't stand for it. Let these ladies go now!

Clara: Our hero!

Agnes: George came through for us!

Martha: Oh, Emmett will be thrilled we have the most wonderful legal representation possible!

Gladys: Oh, my Abner will have a cow.

Martha: Don't you mean a pig?

They all laugh giddily.

They leave the police station together arm in arm.

Meanwhile.....

Wally is at Lumpy's house.

Wally: Hey, Lump. Does your dad have a safe in his office? I mean, not to pry, but doesn't he have to keep some papers safe from prying eyes? In his business, doesn't he have to worry about corporate espionage?

Lumpy: Gee, Wally, those are mighty high talks from a small town boy. How do you know about such things?

Wally: I watch movies, where else? I'm getting more interested as I get older in how the business world works. Does he have a safe for important documents?

Lumpy: As a matter of fact, he does have a small safe in his office. It's hidden behind his portrait on the wall.

Wally: Your father has a portrait of himself in his office?

Lumpy: Sure. It's the day he met my mother. It's his most favorite day. And he uses that day as the combination for the safe too. Isn't that nifty?

Wally: Oh, it's nifty all right. When did your parents meet, Lump?

Lumpy: They met on Halloween night. They were both at a costume party. Isn't it romantic?

Wally: That really is a sweet story. I have to go home now. I just remembered I have to clean the bathtub before my father comes home. Bye, Lump!

At home, Wally runs into the house.

Wally: Mom!

June: What is it?

Wally: Fred has a safe in his office and I know most of the combination. It's 10-31-and then I need the last two numbers. It's the year his parents met. Maybe Dad will know, can you ask him tonight?

June: Sure, Honey. I will. So we can break into Fred's safe?! That will probably get him fired or at least make him go nuts. (laughs, delighted)

Later, June and Ward are lying in their single beds, talking.

June: Dear, how long have we known the Rutherfords? They certainly are good friends.

Ward: Let me see--probably about 15 years. I met Fred down at old 9034, the salt mines, and we've known them ever since. He's a windbag, but a likable one.

June: How long have they been together? They don't seem to get along as well as we do.

Ward: I think they met in 1944, during the war, around Halloween, if I recall correctly. He wanted to go in the Air Force but his eyes were too bad.

June: We haven't played bridge with them in a while--we'll have to get together soon. She smiles, satisfied.

Next morning, Ward has gone to work, and Eddie drops by.

Eddie: Well, Junie, you're not going to be happy. Perry Mason got all the ladies out, on their own recognizance. No bail, but they had to agree to stay in town until their hearing.

June: What? How cut and dried does it have to be?

Eddie: Cut and dried?

June: Simple. Easy to understand. (mumbles) Am I surrounded by idiots?

Eddie: Aggie says the other crones think you're practicing witchcraft. She doesn't agree, but she thinks the FBI might do some checking on it. Just be aware.

June: Nonsense!

Eddie: I heard the cops have given up trying to figure out how the Mayfield Bank money disappeared. Now they're going full blast on the trashing of the Fixit Shop.

June: You mean the cops want to trash it again?

Eddie: No, Junie, they're doing a full investigation. (mumbles) Birdbrain. Well, ciao.

June: Ciao.

Wally enters.

June: Well, there's good news and bad news. The good news is that the Rutherfords met in 1944. Now I just need to get the office key from Ward's keyring. Maybe we can plan something for Friday night.

Wally: What's the bad news?

June: We'll talk about that later.

Later, Agnes stops by to see June.

Agnes: Junie, Darling!

June: Oh, come on in, Dear Friend. How are you holding up?

Agnes: Well, we have the best lawyer there is so I think he can get us off. I was watching television and it was a live broadcast. I can recite exactly what happened to Perry Mason. He said that proves I could not have been in that one horse town at the same time.

June: One pig town.

Agnes: Oh, Junie! You are a delight! You know something strange? I took a nap and when I woke up, I was wearing a red ring. It was bizarre. Where could it have come from? And who would sneak into my room and put a ring on my finger? It sends chills down my spine.

June: A red ring? What did you do with it, Aggie?

Agnes: It just so happened that Mrs. Rutherford stopped by to ask for donations for the bake sale. I gave her five dollars and slipped the ring into her collection box. She didn't even notice I did it.

June: Well, that was smart thinking. Maybe it will be worth something and they can buy lots of sugar and flour with it.

Later, June is with Wally in the kitchen.

June: That doofus Agnes Haskell keeps wiggling out of trouble. She got Perry Mason as a lawyer who might get her off, and she gave the ruby ring to the bake sale!

Wally: She gave the ring to the bake sale?

June: She put it into the little collection box when Mrs. Rutherford came by asking for donations. She wanted to get rid of it because it gave her the creeps not knowing who put it on her finger.

Wally: Man, either the bake sale is going to have a very good year, or maybe Mrs. Rutherford kept it. What if Fred put it into his safe at his office? That would be wild!

June: Yes, this could work out. In any event we need to get into that safe. I did get the 9034 key off Ward's ring and copy it. So let's plan on going in there after midnight Friday night. We have the combo now.

Wally: Let me find out from clueless Lumpy whether she still has that ring.

Later, in Ward's office building.

June: Ooh, I just love this clandestine work.

Wally: Candlelight?

June: You've said you made it thru high school, right? Rhetorical question.

Wally: Historical?

June: We must get your ears checked. To find out if anything is between them.

They approach Fred's office.

Wally: I've got the ring right here. Lumpy just handed it over to me for some reason.

They're about to enter Fred's office.

June: Wait! Let's go down to that corner office over there. That's Ward's office.

They enter.

June: Well, he sure keeps a neat desk. I've never been in here before.

Wally: Wow!

June shines her flashlight on his desk: What's this?

She shines her light on a note, on his blotter. It reads: Marlene KL4-1342.

Wally: Why would Dad have Marlene's phone number on his desk?

June begins to cry.

Wally: Oh, now come on. Dad is not seeing Marlene on the side. Get a hold of yourself. There must be a logical explanation and we'll find out what it is.

June: He would never cheat on me with that box office attraction, would he?

Wally: No, never. Not Dad. Maybe Mr. Mondello, but not Mr. Cleaver. No way no how!

They tiptoe into Fred's office.

Wally: So let's do the combination and see what Fred has in here. And I'll plant the ring so he might get into trouble.

June: 10 - 31 - 44

Wally: Let's get the flashlight in there to see what he's got. Man! There is a stack of hundred dollar bills in here. Oh, boy! There must be five thousand dollars in here. Where did Fred get this cash?

June: Let's take it and leave him the ring. Let's go home. I don't feel well after seeing that floozy's phone number on my husband's desk.

Wally: I'm sure Dad is not a cheater. But if he is, we'll have Sam put a spell on him to forget her and only have eyes for you. Unless you're really angry, we could set him up to go to jail or something. It's up to you, Queen.

June: I wasn't paying enough attention. You did have your gloves on, right?

Wally: Yes. I'll get with Marlene and find out the story. It's probably not what you think. Write down that number: KL4-1342.

June: Got it. I guess if Fred has a wall safe, so does Ward. (They check and find one.)
Maybe we can get Sam in here, if I want to get in there. We can give her some of the money from Fred's safe.

Wally: I'll see if I can figure out a way to see if Lumpy knows about all that money. Maybe Fred is somehow skimming the profits.

June: Really, let's get outta here. I'm not felling well, like I said. Keep your gloves on, I'm not handling anyhting.

Later, Wally goes by the movie house to chat with Marlene.

Wally: Hey, Marlene. How's show business?

Marline: Oh, Wally! I wish I was up on the silver screen instead of selling tickets but it's a living right?

Wally: It is a living. Hey, Marlene, did you think my parents seemed like a happy couple when you met them?

Marlene: Yes, why? They seemed like the ideal couple so much in love and satisfied with their lives. I'll probably never find that. (sighs wistfully)

Wally: So you didn't think my father seemed anxious or anything?

Marlene: Anxious?

Wally: You know, like nervous.

Marlene: Why would your father be nervous? He is the perfect family man. A man like that has no reason to be nervous. Oh, here come some movie goers, I best act like I'm working. Bye, Wally.

Wally arrives home.

Wally: Hey, Mom. I don't think Marlene is seeing Dad in any romantic way at all. She said you two seem like the perfect happy couple to her. If she was hiding something, she wouldn't be able to keep a straight face and she did. She wasn't lying.

June: Okay. Well, Ward must have a reason for having her number. Please try to find out for me.

Wally: I will. I'm going over to Lumpy's now and grill him for info. Later!

June to herself: Grill? Are we having a cookout? I'm just confused. I'm not on my game. This Marlene thing has me frazzled.

Wally arrives at Lumpy's.

Lumpy: What can I do you for, Wallace?

Wally: Ah, cut it out, Lump. Don't call me Wallace. Or I'll call you Clarence.

Lumpy: You will? Good!

Wally rolls his eyes.

Wally: Lumpy, does your dad ever work in the evenings late?

Lumpy: He does sometimes stay late at the office one day a week. But I am going to tell you a little secret because I just can't keep secrets, Wally. My dad goes to a card game but he tells Mother he is working late.

Wally: Your father plays cards?

Lumpy: Yes, at a man named Oscar Madison's house. The man is a real slob. Daddy took me a couple of times. But his roommate is named Felix and he vacuums the carpet while we're playing. He's very fussy.

Wally: They sound like real characters. So does your dad gamble?

Lumpy: Yes, Daddy plays for money but he never wins. He always says he breaks even. But he enjoys hanging out one night a week with the guys. He can smoke cigars there too.

Wally: Oh, that's good he has a hobby but he doesn't share it with your mother because she won't approve?

Lumpy: I don't think she would approve of him gambling and smoking, no.

Wally: I don't think my dad has ever worked really late at the office. I guess he is just satisfied being at home with my mother. I guess men are not all the same. I wonder which way we'll turn out?

Lumpy: I think if I find the right woman, I will never leave her side.

Wally: Great. Bye, Lump!

Wally: Hi, Dad.

Ward: Hello, son. How's tricks?

Wally: Dad, I'm not a magician.

Ward: Son, have you been hanging around with a different crowd?

Wally: Interesting you should ask. I've been hanging around a little with Marlene Holmes. Do you remember her?

Ward: Also interesting, from my point of view. I tried to reach her to see if she wanted to take part in one of our marketing surveys. We needed a young person, and I remembered her. I did get her aunt but didn't leave a message.

Wally: Oh, no wonder she didn't mention it. How is Mr. Rutherford doing? He and Mrs. Rutherford haven't been over in awhile.

Ward: He says he's been working late quite a bit, at the salt mines, as he calls the old 9034 building. I can't imagine what he's doing. We are not behind in our work unit.

Wally: I probably shouldn't mention this, but Lumpy says he's been gambling, and he doesn't do well.

Ward: This is interesting. There has been some money missing from petty cash, on a pretty regular basis. We're thinking of marking the bills like the banks do. We're not sure it will help, but we need to do something.

Wally: Do you keep the cash in a safe?

Ward: No, it's kept in a locked file drawer. He and I both have safes, but they're only for keeping confidential marketing information. Why all the questions?

Wally: Oh, just making conversation.

Ward: I'm glad you asked. I didn't know Fred was gambling.

Wally: He says he doesn't win anything, that he only ever breaks even. And he lies to his wife that he is working when he is playing cards. Lumpy can't keep a secret so he spilled it but would you be able to keep the secret, Dad? You can tell Mom, but not Mr. Rutherford, because he might beat Lumpy into a pulp if he finds out he snitched.

Ward: Yes, I can keep a secret, Wally. I am curious though if he could be the one stealing from petty cash.

Wally: It's probably not him. I'm pretty sure he doesn't have financial problems or Lumpy would have told me about it.

Ward: Okay, well it could be somebody else having money troubles down there.

Wally: Excuse me, Dad, I'm going to help Mom make dinner. See you later.

Ward: My goodness, Wally, you are growing up to be a fine young man and I'm so proud of you.

Wally: Ah, gee, Dad. I'm just going to cut up some carrots for the stew. Don't give me too much credit.

Ward chuckles and heads upstairs.

Wally: Mom! Mr. Rutherford makes his money from gambling at a weekly card game. Lumpy told me he lies to his wife that he's working but he isn't. And he smokes cigars there too.

June: So Fred is gambling and smoking behind his wife's back? Interesting.

Wally: Oh, and Mom, Dad said he was just calling Marlene to participate in a market research survey. You have nothing to worry about.

June: I am so relieved, Wally. Thank you. So what are we doing next?

Wally: We need to think things through. Dad says somebody is swiping money from their petty cash drawer. I told him I don't think it's Mr. Rutherford because he has no money problems according to Lumpy. And oh, Mom? If Dad tells you about the card games and cigars? Act surprised. You're not supposed to know yet, okay?

June: Oh, sure thing. I can act surprised. Piece of cake.

Wally: Cake now? Before dinner?

June rolls her eyes.

June: Honesty, Wally, just start peeling the carrots.

Wally: One other thing, Mom. Dad told me they are thinking of marking the money in petty cash. So if Fred was stashing it in his safe, it may be marked.

June: It's not marked. I've learned to check any money we get for markings now. I agree, it's not Fred.

Wally: Then he's probably not the one hitting the petty cash.

June: I wonder who is taking it. I'd like a shot at it myself! I don't like other people edging in on our business. (Evil laugh.) You know, it's a shame your father is so goody-goody. We could use his brains.

Wally: Those old ladies getting out before their trial bugs me. There seems to be no justice any more. (They both laugh wildly.)

Ward comes in. What's the joke?

June: I was just laughing at Wally peeling carrots. The males around here aren't going to win any cooking awards.

Ward: Hey, I can fry a hamburger with the best of 'em.

June: I'm tired of cooking. Wally, put the carrots aside. We're all going out to have doggie burgers and fries. My treat.

Ward: June! You sure seem rich lately.

June: I have my ways, Ward! (She winks at Wally.) Maybe we'll go to the White Fox.

Meanwhile at the 9034 building.

Fred opens his safe: OK where'd my money go?

A little later that evening...

Fred and Gwen enter The White Fox restaurant and see Ward, June, and Wally at a table.

Fred: Ward, June, Wallace.

Ward: Oh, hi, Fred, Gwen. Are you eating dinner here tonight too?

Fred: Yes. Ward, would you mind terribly if I spoke to you privately about a work matter?

Ward: Can't this wait, Fred?

Fred: It really can't.

The two men go over into the coat room.

Fred: Do you know if they ever found out who is stealing money from petty cash?

Ward: No, they haven't. Why?

Fred: Somebody broke into my safe in my office. They didn't take any of the important documents but they took some personal belongings I kept in there. I'd rather not say what they were.

Ward: You better take this up with Personnel tomorrow, Fred. I'm sorry. Was it valuable?

Fred: In fact, it was.

Later at the table, Ward returns.

Ward: Fred said somebody broke into his safe and left the work papers but stole something valuable of his that he had put in there for safe keeping.

June: That is shocking!

Wally: That is terrible, Dad. Who would have access to Mr. Rutherford's safe? Would they have to know how to pick locks?

Ward: Either that or they had the combination. But I doubt Fred would be dumb enough to tell anybody what that is.

Wally: Nobody would be that dumb. (tries to hide his smile)

June: Let's eat up! Beaver is having dinner at Gilbert's tonight. He's missing this fancy meal tonight, poor kid.

At work the next day--

Ward: I've been thinking more about your break-in. Other than the big boys and Personnel, does anyone know the combination?

Fred: Well, the family, other than Violet, who's too young to know anything, knows it's when I met Gwendolyn. I don't remember when that came up in conversation. The other odd thing is that not only is there something of value missing, but something of value is in there, and I didn't put it there.

Ward: That is odd. So Clarence and Gwen would know how to open your safe?

Fred: Yes, but they never come to the office. I don't think they've ever been here. And I doubt Clarence would even remember these details.

Ward leaves, recalling June's questions about the Rutherfords, leading to asking about when they met. Ward thinks:

June wanting to know that, is this a coincidence? And why was Wally quizzing me about the petty cash? Why is Fred being so mysterious about the contents of his safe? Where was June late Friday night? So many questions, and no answers. What can I do to find out more? Maybe I'll plant some fake information and see what happens.

In the Cleaver kitchen, Wally and June are discussing the current issues.

Wally: So, Mom, I'm thinking we need to be more careful around Dad now. He knows about Fred's safe being broken into. What if he ties us somehow to that? Could he?

June: Your father is very intelligent. He could be two steps ahead of us right now and we don't know it. He might try to trip us up. If he asks you anything about money, petty cash, safes, Lumpy, anything at all that could connect us to that burglary, keep mum. It's hush hush.

Wally: I will keep hush hush. But now I'm wondering if it's better if we just put the cash back in his safe? If Dad suspects us, it's curtains!

June: Draperies? Windows? What are you smoking?

Wally: Oh, geez, Louise.

June: My name is June. What is with you today?

Wally: I'm just frantic realizing Dad might be putting two and two together and getting you and me!

The phone rings and June answers it.

June: Yes? Oh, Ward! How is work today?

Ward: Fred is still upset about his safe being broken into. He says it's strange that there were a couple of things put into his safe, too, not just stolen.

June: Somebody put something into the safe? What?

Ward: A ruby ring that looks like the one put in the papers that was taken from that Hooterville bank robbery.

June: Fred robbed the one pig town bank? Are you kidding?

Ward: I don't know what happened. When security came to look at the safe, the ring was in there and Fred said it was there after the robbery.

June: Does Gwen know anything about this? Isn't she friends with Agnes?

Ward: The security guy told me about the ring being in Fred's safe. He didn't tell me what was missing, nor did Fred. I don't even know if Fred reported anything missing, to Security. In fact, I don't know what Gwen knows, or even if she's friendly with Agnes. Are you asking because Agnes is a suspect in the Pigtown heist?

June: Yes, and I read in the paper that the FBI has a lot of evidence on Agnes and the other three ladies, but that Mr. Mason got them released without any bail. It's ridiculous.

Ward: Yes, that whole thing certainly is a mystery. So you think Fred may somehow be involved in the One Pig Town robbery? Like maybe he planned it or something?

June: It's a possibility, but it surely is hard to believe.

Ward (takes a stab at his plan): Of course, our Security knows nothing of the ring's association with a bank robbery.

June (showing irritation): You talked to your Security and YOU didn't tell them about the ring from the Pigtown safe?

Ward: Why would I implicate my friend in a bank robbery? Just because the papers mentioned a ring in their story, doesn't mean it's the same ring.

June (getting more worked up): It's you duty to report something like this. This is TOO coincidental. They have to be the same ruby ring.

Ward: Calm down, June. I'm wondering why you appear to be losing your cool about something that doesn't directly affect you.

Wally whispers to June: You better cool your jets, Mom.

June (yells): What do airplanes have to do with this?

Ward: What? Airplanes? What are you talking about, dear?

June (regains her composure): Oh, nothing. Wally came in and said he saw a new Boeing jet fly over.

Ward: Well, I'll see you tonight. I've got to get back to work. He hangs up, mumbles: Hmm.

June: Oh, you should have heard him! He's going to say nothing to anyone about that ring association with Hooterville! I feel like screaming! Nothing is going as we planned.

Wally: Yes, but remember, you warned me he might be two steps ahead of us. Practice what you preach.

June (shouts): I'm not a preacher! What's wrong with you today?

Wally: Heavens to Betsy!

June: My name is June!

Wally: You showed Dad you were too invested in the outcome of Fred's burglary. Now he's going to think something is fishy.

June: Invested? I wish Fred had some stocks and bonds in that safe, darn it. Fish? We had that two nights ago. I'm making something else tonight.

Wally: Mom, calm down. Try to relax. Breathe. We have to act cool as cucumbers around Dad because he's going to intuit we are up to something.

June: Intuit?

Wally: Did you forget everything you learned in college when you got married?

June: Now Wally, if we start fighting each other, we're doomed. Don't be mean.

Wally: I'm sorry, Mom.

Beaver enters the kitchen.

Beaver: Hey, guys, guess what? Emmett Clark is selling his fix-it shop and with the money he is going to help pay for Martha's defense in the bank robbery.

June: Beaver, your brother is talking about fishies and cucumbers. I don't want to talk about fish sticks or dinner salads--I want to concentrate on our enterprises.

Wally: Mom is just a little upset today.

June: I'm seething. I'm trying to figure out what to do about Fred. So what do I care about that stupid fix-it shop? He couldn't even fix my hair.

Wally: Why would he do that?

Beaver: Yeah, what's wrong with your hair? It looks fine.

June: Well, thank you, son. You always know how to make me feel better! Anyway, I'd really like to hit that petty cash down at Ward's office. But they might have a security guard down there now. I'd also like to get that ring into Aggie's possession. The problem is, no one puts two and two together in this town, so she'd never get caught with it.

Beaver: It's four.

Wally: Huh?

June: Take some advice, Wally--skip it.

Later, Wally is at the bowling alley.

Wally: Sam, how goes it? How is the bowling business treating you?

Sam: It's mainly gutter balls until payday and then it's striiiiiiiike! (giggles)

Wally: Sam, could you hypnotize a security guard?

Sam: Just tell me who, what, where, and when. I've got the know how.

Later, at home June is in the kitchen cutting cucumbers.

Wally: You really are a cool cucumber, Mom. Look at you.

June: Wally, your talk got me all hungry for a salad so here I am. Chop, Chop!

Wally: You will be happy to hear that Sam has agreed to hypnotize the security guard down at Dad's office so we can mess around down there tonight. But we have to do it when Dad is gone.

Beaver enters.

Beaver: I can get rid of Dad for a couple of hours. I'll tell him I have a terrible illness and he'll rush me to the open-all-night clinic. It's a twenty-minute drive. You guys better be quick though. If he gets wise to you going into his office, it's curtains!

June: Again with draperies? (sighs)

June: I wonder if we might take something important out of Ward's safe, and put it in Fred's. That could throw suspicion on Fred, but with our luck, you never know.

Wally: Out of sight idea, Mom! And Sam can open Dad's safe!

June: An invisible idea? Wally, you're not making any sense lately.

Wally: It means I like it.

June: Beaver, I know you want to help, but your father would probably be immediately suspicious; and besides, nothing in Mayfield is open all night. Maybe Sam could put an owl-watching spell on him or something.

Wally: We're putting a lot on her. She's gonna want something more.

June: We'll give her some of the money from Fred's safe; he probably doesn't know how much was in there.

June, Sam and Wally are sitting in the car, not to far the the 9034 building.

Wally: Well, look who's guarding the door, fast asleep. Emmett Clark. He must have sold the Fixit shop already.

Sam: I can easily keep him asleep. (pause) Done.

June: Let's go in. (She uses the copy of Ward's key) Let's first find Ward's safe. I assume it's also hidden behind a picture.

Wally: Yep. Here it is. OK, Sam, do your thing.

June: Oh, my some papers, but look at this: a beautiful, long pearl necklace! It's probably for my birthday. She starts to cry.

Wally: This would be ideal to put in Fred's safe. Hopefully somebody besides sleepyhead will check there.

June (looking dismayed): Oh, I suppose you're right.

They close the safe and Wally opens Fred's. They replace most of the money, and put the necklace in there.

Wally: Here's the rest of the money, Sam.

June: While we're here, should we check out the petty cash?

Wally: Oh, no! I think I hear footsteps. Somebody's coming down the hall!

A janitor walks into the office. Sam freezes him.

Sam: I just froze this guy. It lasts for five minutes so we have to leave NOW!

They all rush out and get into the car.

June: I hope Gwen Rutherford doesn't end up with my birthday pearls. (sighs)

Sam: You know I still have the sapphire ring from the pig-in-a-poke robbery. It's hot. I really would feel better if it wasn't in my possession. I brought it with me. But we need to put it somewhere where for sure it will be found. Oh! What if I put it in Mr. Clark's pocket? He will freak out!

Sam runs out, back into the front of the building and drops the ring into Emmett's shirt pocket and runs back to the car.

June: That is interesting but I wonder what that fix-it dope will do with the ring?

Sam: If he gives it to Martha, she will wear it and show it off and then she could get arrested. Ha!

Wally: That would be a gas.

June: Do we need to stop at a gas station, Wally?

Sam and Wally burst out laughing.

Next morning at the Clark house--

Emmett: Dear, I have a surprise for you. I goofed on the fur coat, I cheaped out on the trip to Europe, I pawned your diamond ring, and I put the brakes on your boutique shop. So I just wanted to get you this.

Martha: Oh, Emmett, it's beautiful! I'll wear it always! I can't wait to show the girls.

Later, the foursome of Martha, Clara, Gladys, and Aggie are out to lunch at the White Fox, and Martha is loudly showing off the sapphire ring. Colby and Erskine happen to be at the next table.

Colby: Excuse me ladies; Mrs. Clark, that is a beautiful ring. You remember me, Agent Colby?

Martha: Unfortunately, yes.

Colby: Where did you get it?

Martha: I don't know what business it is of yours, but my husband gave it to me.

Colby: I realize you are awaiting trial for a bank robbery, but may I ask you to come with us? Inspector Erskine is with me.

Martha: If you have more questions, I suppose so.

Erskine: Please bring your friends. This involves all of you.

At the police station--

Erskine: Do you remember your rights as we gave them to you? All of you?

All answer: Yes.

Colby: There was a matching ring stolen during the robbery of the bank at Hooterville, for which you will all be tried in a U. S. District Court. It had an inscription, the initials L. D. May I see the ring?

Erskine reads the inscription: L. D.

Colby: We will have to retain this ring as evidence. If you will not surrender it, we will have to detain all of you until we can obtain a court order. Your call.

Martha: I assume if I want to call our lawyer, you will still have to detain us.

Erskine: Your assumption is correct.

Martha: Then i will surrender it. But I do not understand where Emmett got it.

Colby: That is your husband?

Martha: Yes.

Colby: If you wish to call him and get him to come here, you are welcome to.

Wally comes into the kitchen as June is just finishing the cake she baked.

Wally: Can I have a hunk of cake, Mom?

June: We have something to celebrate but let it cool for a while.

Wally: What are we celebrating?

June: The gossip is spreading like wildfire that Martha showed off her flashy new ring at The White Fox and the detectives were at the next table and took her and her three crony friends in for questioning. Emmett Clark took the bait! Hey, now I'm using fish metaphors too! Ha!

Wally: Oh, boy, this is great news! Could I have a glass of chocolate milk with my hunk of cake to celebrate?

June: You can have all the milk and all the cake you want, my number one son!

Wally beams.

June: We might have finally made some progress in bringing down these clowns.

Beaver walks in.

Beaver: Is the circus in town again?

Wally and June burst out laughing.

Beaver: What's so funny? The clowns?

June: Anyway, to finish the gruesome foursome story, word on the street is that the FBI has figured out the ring belonged to a Lisa Douglas, who lives in the Hootersville area. The FBI will use her in the trial, and she would testify that it is her ring, and she was storing it at the bank, in their version of a safe deposit box, which is the safe those evil ladies robbed. (She laughs her evil laugh, and begins dancing around the kitchen.)

Wally: Oh, this is just too good. It really is a piece of cake.

June: Oh, right, have another piece!

Wally: Uh, yeah.

June: I'm still hoping Ward finds that the pearl necklace is missing, and somehow he and Fred put their heads together.

Beaver: Who would have taken them apart? I didn't know that could be done.

June: Go fly a kite. That is, your new kite. It's a windy day, so blow on outta here.

Down at the Salt Mine aka The Office...

Fred: Ward, Ol' Boy, could I have a word with you in my office?

Ward: What's up, Fred?

Fred: Ward, I opened my safe this morning and I found this. (Fred holds up a pearl necklace.)

Ward: Fred! How did you get that? That is for June! I bought it off a parking lot vendor. The deal was too good to pass up. Shhh, let's keep our voices down.

Fred: A parking lot vendor for June? You better hope she never finds out about it. How much did you pay?

Ward: I got a 50% off sale price from the man in the van.

Fred: Gracious. But Ward, how did this get in my safe?

Ward: I haven't a clue. Something very strange is going on around here. I mean, a robbery in Mayfield and then Hooterville just days apart is odd enough. But then stuff goes missing from our safes? Could there be a connection?

Fred: I don't know but possibly. Clarence is afraid his mother or her friends might go to jail for the robbery. All of those women are suspects except for June. He admitted he told somebody something that might have given away the combination to my safe. Sit down, Ward. Because the person he told was your son, Wallace.

Ward looks stunned and curious.

Ward regains his composure: Have you mentioned this to anyone else?

Fred: No, Ward. I thought I owed it to you to keep this between us. Nobody else knows, not the big boys, nobody.

Ward: June has a weakness for pearls--

Fred: Yes, that's pretty well-known.

Ward: Yet why would anyone remove the pearl necklace from my safe and put it in yours? My first thought is that someone is out to implicate you. I can assure you that, even though Clarence revealed the combination to Wally, he did not tell me, nor did anyone else. I do not know the combination, no way, no how.

Fred: I was sure that is true, all along.

Ward: Do you have any thoughts? I do, but I sure hope I'm wrong.

Fred: Well, since you asked, old boy, a tiny finger points right to your little woman. Yet I can't see why she would be involved in anything like this.

Ward: I reluctantly agree. I really need to think about this. I'm not sure whether to try to trip her up again or go to the police.

Fred: Trip her up? What's this?

Ward: Security told me about the ruby ring in your safe. I tried to see her reaction by telling her we have no proof that the ring is the same one from the bank robbery. I led her on a little more in that direction, and she seemd to become angrier and angrier.

Fred: That is interesting. It makes it look as though she's out to get me.

Ward: Yes, it does. i dismissed it, since it seems so preposterous. Fred, a personal question. What was it that was originally missing from your safe?

Fred: I've been doing some gambling. I tell the family I just break approximately even. But I actually have had a little success. That money was missing.

Ward: Was missing?

Fred: Was. It's been replaced. I'm not sure it was all replaced, because I never had an exact total.

Ward: Hmmm...reappeared. Like someone changed their mind.

Fred: I found it when I also found the pearls. No way of knowing if it was done at the same time, since i hadn't opened the safe in a few days. Security told me on the original break-in, there were no fingerprints other than mine. Please keep the winnings between us, Ward. As far as going to the police, are you aware the FBI is involved in the bank robberies? If you go to the authorities, it might be better to go to them.

Ward: So you think all of this is related somehow?

Fred: It's a series of odd events--none of which normally happens in Mayfield. You might start with the FBI.

Later that evening...

Ward: Wally, I need to talk to you in the den, now.

Wally: Yes, Dad?

Ward: Wally, did Lumpy tell you the combination of Fred's safe in his office? Now answer truthfully?

Wally: Oh, boy. Dad, Lumpy is trying to pin this on me. I knew he would do this!

Ward: What?

Wally: Lumpy was curious to find out if Mr. Rutherford was really winning money at the card games or not so he decided to go look in his safe in his office. He told me some clues to the combination so he could later implicate me, and he's gone and done it!

Ward: What clues?

Wally: He told me the first two numbers were the date his parents met and that was on 10-31.

Ward: How did the subject of the safe come up?

Wally (thinking fast): He just started to pour out all this stuff one afternoon. I think we were talking about business and what it would be like to be grown ups and he starts spilling this secret that his father plays cards.

Ward: My, my. This is really something. So do you think Lumpy is the one who got into Fred's safe?

Wally: I'm sure of it. I knew he would because he told me it was driving him nuts not to know if Mr. Rutherford was winning money at cards and putting it in his safe which is what he suspected.

Ward: Thank you, Wally. I appreciate your honesty.

Wally: Are you going to tell Mr. Rutherford that Lumpy was in his safe?

Ward: Fred thinks it was you and June.

Wally: WHAT? Oh, man. Those Rutherfords are really out to get us Cleavers.

Later, Ward is at the drugstore, on the phone--

Fred? Yes, Wally put the blame off on Clarence. But after Clarence gave Wally part of the combination, June steered a conversation we were having, to how long we've known you and Gwen, and got me to tell her when you two met, which I told her was 1944. She definitely wanted that missing link to the combination.

Fred: What are you going to do, old man?

Ward: I'm definitely going to lead June to think I believe Wally's story that Clarence did it. I'm not one hundred percent sure yet, but I think I'm going to talk to Inspector Erskine with the FBI. He is investigating all of these strange goings-on, according to the paper.

Meanwhile at the Cleaver house--

Wally: Well, Dad suspects we've been opening the safes.

June: What? Why?

Wally: Lumpy told Mr. Rutherford about our conversation about his parents meeting on Halloween.

June: You father is going to remember I got him to tell me the year the Rutherfords met. This is not good.

Wally: I got him to think Lumpy did it.

June: You may think he believes you, but he probably doesn't. For one thing, Clarence can barely tie his shoes before he watches Captain Kangaroo. I need to figure out a way to get Detective Ward interested in something else. If we make it thru this, we need to lay low for a while. (pause) I wonder if I could convince him to come in with us. He could retire.

June and Ward are in the den later.

Ward: So, Wally says Lumpy got into Fred's safe. He said Lumpy gave him the first two numbers of the combination and somehow figured out what the last number was. What do you make of that?

June: Ward, I have to come clean about something so it's all out on the table. I know you are very smart and you have to be wondering why I asked you for the year the Rutherfords met, which is 1944. I did not ask you that because of any combination. I had no idea Fred even had a safe. Do you have a safe, too, Honey?

Ward: Yes, I do.

June: The reason I asked you for the year the Rutherfords met is because their anniversary is coming up and I thought it would be a nice gesture if we threw them a little dinner party and got them a nice gift. I needed to know the year they got married because I am having a little plaque engraved with how many years they've known each other.

Ward is speechless. He clearly did not expect this explanation. He wonders, could it be true? Was I suspecting my dear wife for nothing?

June: I'll tell you more about it later. I need to finish cleaning up in the kitchen. Why don't you relax, Dear. You've been under a lot of stress at work. Go to bed and I'll bring you up a nice mug of cocoa later and we'll talk some more. Okay, Sweetheart?

Ward goes upstairs and gets ready for bed.

June gets on the phone and calls Sam.

June: Sam, get over here right now. I will pay you anything. Anything! I need you to put a spell on Ward. I also need you to somehow make it so that I did something I told Ward I did but didn't really do. I will tell you everything when you get here. Do you have any elixir I can put in cocoa? I need Ward to feel very drowsy and forgetful, but not too much so.

Sam: I'm on my way. Consider it done.

Later, Sam is there with June.

June: I lied to Ward that I was having a plaque engraved for the Rutherfords. I need this to happen. I need you to make Ward believe this is something I did. And I need the engravers to think this is something I ordered days ago and I need to have a plaque that says Congratulations to Gwen and Fred on your years together and it has to have the date 1944 on it. Can you do this, Sam?

Sam: Yes, I can do all of that. Go put some of this elixir in Ward's cocoa and take it up to him now so he doesn't get up and question why I'm here so late. June takes it up to Ward.

Next morning at Taylor's Trophy and Plaque Shop--

Guy #1: How are you doing with the Cleaver order?

Guy #2: What order is that?

Guy #1: I don't remember it, but I just found the order from last week. I show it paid, and it's due today.

Guy #2: Do we have the design drawing?

Guy #1: Yep, it's right here. (Guy #2 looks at it.)

Guy #2: Fortunately, it looks relatively simple. I can have it done by this afternoon.

Guy #1: OK, I'll call them. (He phones.) Hello, is this Mr. Cleaver?

Ward: Yes.

Guy #1: Your plaque order from Mrs. Cleaver last week, will be ready for pickup this afternoon at 4. Will you or Mrs. Cleaver be able to pick it up then? We close at 5.

Ward (nonplussed): Yes, one of us will pick it up. He mumbles: Well, she was telling the truth.

Later, Ward picks it up and stops to see Fred.

Ward: Well, Fred, I thought I was starting to figure out this whole mess. But it's still a mystery. I'm convinced June wasn't involved in getting into the safes. But I'm not so sure about Wally.

Fred: What led you to this conclusion, Ol' Boy?

Ward: This is going to sound strange, but I can't tell you. At least right now. But I can tell you she did not want the date you and Gwen met, to complete the safe combination. How I know this, I can't tell you. I hope you'll trust me on that.

Fred: You and I go way back. I will trust you.

June and Wally are in the kitchen.

June: I dodged a bullet last night.

Wally: Heavens! Was there a drive-by shooting?

June: What? For heaven's sake, no. Of course not. We don't live in Chicago. Put your thinking cap on.

Wally: My baseball cap? Why?

June: I just don't know sometimes, Lord.

Wally: Are you praying now? It's not even Sunday yet.

June: Wally, stop being a pest. Listen. I managed to get Ward off my trail. He thought you and I got into Fred's safe. (June explains to Wally the story she told Ward and how Sam helped her.)

Wally: That's really smart thinking, Mom. I had to do some quick thinking with Dad too, when he asked me if I knew the combination to Mr. Rutherford's safe. I told him it was all Lumpy's doing but I'm not sure Dad is 100% convinced I wasn't involved. Should I just tell him I did it with Lumpy? At least you're off the hook.

June: Wally, you would throw yourself under the bus to protect me?

Wally: Gee, Mom, I love you and all but I don't think I'd literally walk into the path of a bus unless I had to save your life. Don't go play in traffic anytime soon because I don't want to find out what I'd really do.

June: Oh, silly boy. Silly, sweet boy.

Meanwhile, at Ward's 9034 office, Emmett is ending his watchman shift. He looks over in the corner of the entryway, and sees part of an object in a pile of leaves.

Emmett mumbles: What's this? (He clears some of the leaves). He thinks: A glove! Maybe it has something to do the safe burglary.

He goes to the Chief of Security office.

Emmett: Chief, I just found this in the entryway, in a pile of leaves. I picked it up with this hanky. I thought it might be involved with the safe burglary.

Chief Mathews: Good work, Clark. I'm going to turn this over to the police, for fingerprinting.
Say, your wife is going on trial for that Hicksville bank robbery, isn't she?

Emmett: Yeah, but i can't imagine her and them other three ladies doing it. I'm not gonna lie, though--she's such a pain in the ..uh.. neck, I wouldn't mind seeing her get sent up the river.

Chief: Normally, don't they get sent to prison; not to a river?

Emmett: Everybody's a comedian around here!

Ward walks by the Security office on his way into work.

Chief: Mr. Cleaver!

Ward: Yes, Dan?

Chief: We might have a clue in the safe burglaries. Clark here found a glove in the entryway. We're going to give it to the police as possible evidence.

Fred joins them, and has heard the Chief's statement.

Fred: Good morning, Dan! Will you let us know what you find out?

Chief: Certainly, gentlemen.

Fred and Ward converse in the hall.

Ward: This is a real break. I will tell Wally this later, and see what his reaction is. His prints would not be on file; he's never been arrested.

Fred: Quite a decision for you, old man. You would almost have to implicate him so they could see if they're his prints. Your own son!

Ward: But it must be done. I can't decide whether to say anything to him, or go directly to the police. I'm leaning toward the latter.

Fred: Why would you lean on a ladder? What does that have to do with this?

Ward: Please, just go to your office. I'll explain later.

Ward sees Dan Mathews leaving. Dan! Are you going to the police station now?

Chief: Yes, Mr. Cleaver. Would you like to go along?

Ward: Yes.

The phone rings and Wally picks it up.

Wally: Cleaver House. It's your dime. Go!

Buzz: What?

Wally: Buzz? Hello.

Buzz: Wally, listen up. I was in the police station giving a statement to something unrelated to any of you Cleavers, but your dad was there and they were talking about a glove they found at his office. I heard him say your name. I thought I should warn you. Is your old man trying to turn you in for something?

Wally: Jeepers! Thanks, Buzz! I owe you one!

Wally calls Sam at the bowling alley.

Wally: Sam! Dad is at the police station with that glove I dropped at his office when we got into the safe. What can I do?

Sam: I'm going to do a quick spell on your father right now. I need to get off the phone.

At the police station

Cop: Dan, there are no prints showing up on this glove. It is made of a material that is not good for lifting a print.

Dan: Ah, well, it was about the only chance we had of finding out anything. Thanks for checking.

Cop (to Ward): You haven't been saying anything. Can we help you?

Ward: I'm with him. I'm actually not even sure why I came along,

Dan: I think he came along since it was his safe that was broken into, and he suspects his son may be involved.

Cop: Why do you suspect your son is involved?

Ward: The reason is quite flimsy. He was asking questions that I thought were related to the combination of Mr. Rutherford's safe.

Dan: Mr. Rutherford's safe was also broken into. Twice.

Cop: Well, if you come up with anything more concrete, let us know.

Outside, Dan: Why would he want to know about cement?

Ward (his mind clearing): You fit in real well around here, Dan.

Wally is at the bowling alley talking to Sam and Buzz.

Wally: Hey, Buzz, thanks for tipping me off today.

Sam: Wally, your father should be a bit bewildered about your involvement in the break-in. He will still have a vague idea you were involved but he won't remember why he ever thought so. He certainly won't confront you about it. You should be safe. No pun intended.

Wally: You guys are true friends. I would be up a creek without a paddle otherwise.

Buzz: Are you going to the river, Wally?

Sam and Wally burst out laughing.

Wally: Hopefully I won't have to go up the river, Buzz. Talk to you guys later.

Meanwhile, in Hooterville...

Lisa Douglas: Yes, Doris. My sapphire ring was stolen. (Arnold, listening in, snorts his disapproval.)

Doris: Arnold says he could testify in the case. He knows those women were imposters. They used witchcraft to make themselves look like different people.

Lisa: Really?! Witches! My stars!

Doris: Arnold says they had a Beverly Hillbillies where the same thing happened. Ol' Duke told him about it. They decided not to show that episode, but Duke remembered it well.

Arnold snorts.

Doris: He says four other people robbed the bank. He says the real people have to be found. He says he knows a lot more, because he heard everything they said.

Lisa: Could you translate for Arnold in the trial, Mrs. Ziffel? I really want my ring back.

Doris: Oh, sure, honey.

Lisa: If the policeman comes out here, I can give him some hotscakes.

Fred Z: Best not do that, Miz Douglas. And he's a G-Man. Inspector Erskine with the FBI.

Lisa: Imagine, Arnold figuring this out!

Doris: He's studied witchcraft, between episodes of The Addams Family. He knows all about the occult. It's amazin' the stuff they can do, honey.

At the Cleaver house--

June: Hello, dear! Did you have a nice day?

Ward: Yes and no. I thought Wally might have been involved in our wall safe break ins, but for the life of me, I don't know why. I thought it had something to do with the combination to Fred's safe, but other than that, I'm drawing a blank.

June: Imagine, thinking that about our son!

Ward: I know. Now I'm thinking we'll never know what happened with the safes. There have been so many strange things happening in Mayfield lately. Like with those old ladies robbing that bank in the middle of nowhere. I hope Mason will get them off.

June (irritated): Why would you want Mason to get them off? The FBI seems to have a lot of evidence that they did it.

Ward: Now why would you want four old ladies to go to jail?

June: Oh, I don't want them to go to jail unless they're guilty. I hear they have a lot of evidence that they did it, Ward. You were ready to toss Wally into the pokey but now I'm wrong to want justice for the bank robberies! Make your own supper. I'm out of here! (She slams the door and leaves.)

Ward to himself, mumbles: What's gotten into her?

June is at the bowling alley chatting with Sam.

June: I was so angry, Sam, I walked out on my husband, and I slammed the door. It felt so good but now I have to go crawling back because I'm his wife. Darn him, he made me so angry.

Sam: I know you'll get over your anger, June, but do you want me to put a spell on Ward? I can do it, you know.

June: Yes, put a spell on Ward so he believes those four old ladies did rob the bank! Then he can come crawling back to me.

Sam laughs.

Over in Hooterville....

Arnold in the barn, oinking to himself. (Translation: I know those ladies did not rob the bank because I could smell that they weren't who they looked like. But I need to use my snout to sniff out the real culprits. I must help beautiful Lisa get her cherished ring back. I must!)

Ward and Fred are talking at the salt mines.

Ward: Fred, you're going to think this is way out in left field, but keep in mind there have been some strange goings-on not only in our office, but generally in Mayfield, and at that bank in Pigtown the old ladies are accused of robbing.

Fred: Proceed, old friend.

Ward: I'm not going to tell you where I got this, but have you ever heard of a talisman?

Fred: Among other things, I've read it can protect against, or counteract, the supernatural.

Ward: Bingo.

Fred: Ah, you're using it to counteract a church game.

Ward: Uh, yah. But seriously, I suspect someone is using witchcraft, and very frankly, I think I've been the victim. I can tell by the way I've forgotten certain things.

Fred: Like how your family could be involved in the safe burglaries?

Ward: Yes, I've lost most of the details. It's like they've been erased. I'm going to carry this talisman, and keep it secret. I would appreciate it if you'd keep it hush-hush, too, and I'm not going to tell my family, either. I can act like I think they want me to act. For example, June went ballistic when I was on the side of the suspected ladies, so in the future I'm going to act like it appears June wants me to act.

I may have lost some of the details about the safe burglaries, but I know Wally and particularly June are acting very differently. If the occult is involved in this memory loss, I'm hoping I can counteract it with this, and prevent future problems.

Later, Ward meets with Inspector Erskine alone at a nature park outside town.

Ward: Inspector, thanks for meeting with me.

Erskine: This has to do with the bank robbery in Hooterville?

Ward: In a way, yes. There have been several unexplained events here in Mayfield, or involving people who live in Mayfield. Before the robbery in Hooterville, there was also an unexplained loss of money at the Mayfield Bank. I'd like to propose the possibility of witchcraft and the occult.

Erskine: We know you are a highly regarded member of the community, so i will tell you that we are investigating that possibility. There is certain evidence that points to it, and we have taken measures to protect ourselves as we are investigating that. The events you are personally involved with are your office safe burglaries, right? The Mayfield Police have informed us of that.

Ward: Yes, Inspector.

Erskine: The Hooterville bank robbery is one of the strangest cases we've ever encountered, and the Mayfield Bank case is also odd. The public thinks attorney Mason got those ladies released on their own recognizance, but we actually did not object when the judge did that because we need time before they are tried. Frankly, despite the evidence, we think there was witchcraft involved. And we have a solid lead that it was.

June is in the kitchen with Wally and Beaver.

June: Ward said he now believes those four crones did rob the bank but he was acting funny. I think he's faking it. Somehow he found a way to counteract Sam's spell. I just know it. Ward is out to get us all. What are we doing to do?

Beaver: Dad may suspect us but how can he prove it? Witchcraft is not something easy to prove. Heck, most people don't even believe in it.

Wally: That's true, Beav. And that pig is going to be a witness at the trial. What a joke. We need to hire a good attorney ourselves to get us out of this mess if it gets that far.

Beaver: I heard of this lawyer, Ben Matlock. He's expensive but he's the best. He will help us. But we have to get more money somehow to pay him. How do we get more money?

June: It's time to get bold. I'm going to have Sam make me invisible again and I'm going to walk into a couple of banks nearby and see if I can get more money. I guess I've become desperate.

The phone rings.

June: Yes? Aunt Martha died! She left me something in her will? I'll be right down!

June: Happy days are here again. I'm sorry Aunt Martha kicked it but she might have left me a fortune! (dances around the kitchen, singing)

June leaves.

Beaver: Wally, it's come to this! I may be only sixteen, but something's gone wrong -- Mom jumps for joy when her aunt -- our Aunt -- dies, and she's plotting to rob two more banks. Where did we go wrong? I wasn't raised this way. It's gnawing at me.

Wally: I don't know what to say, Beav. I'm afraid to cross her; aren't you? As they say on the dark side, we know too much.

Beaver: If we went to Dad, wouldn't he help us? Wouldn't he protect us?

Wally This Ben Matlock idea might save us. If he can get us all out of this, maybe our lives will return to normal.

Beaver smiles: I didn't do anything. It was both of you who pulled everything off.

Wally: Well, fine loyal brother you turned out to be!

Beaver: You know, it is pretty funny. Imagine a pig on the witness stand. And this Doris lady translating for him. I hear the people with the broken down farm have a cow named Eleanor. Maybe she could testify, too--if they find someone to translate moo.

Ward: Don't be silly, Beav. Who ever heard of a talking cow? They both laugh.

At Hooterville--

Inspector Erskine and Agent Colby are interviewing Doris--and Arnold.

Colby: Now let me get this straight. He is saying--I can't believe I'm saying this--that the people who stole the money from the bank are really other people. And he can tell by the "fact" that they have the smell of other people.

Doris: Yes.

Erskine: And he can understand me?

Doris: Yes again.

Erskine: Arnold, do you have any other clues? Did you hear any names?

Arnold/Doris: He says a male voice called another one Sam. And that person answered in a female voice.

Colby: Inspector, for a female, that would be short for Samantha. Arnold, do you know anything about their conversation, like what they were saying?

Arnold/Doris: He says, you're really asking a lot of a young pig. Maybe if this happens again in a year he would.

Erskine: This is incredible!

Arnold oinks again. Doris: He says he hopes Miz Douglas gets her sapphire ring back. He likes Miz Douglas.

Colby: Thank you, Arnold, and Mrs. Ziffel.

Arnold: Oink, oink.

Outside, the two G-Men confer.

Colby: We need to run a check on this name Sam, or Samantha. It's mighty little to go on, though.

Erskine: This woman would be a major breakthrough. If we find her, we must make sure to have a talisman. But, remember, the pig oinked that there was also a male voice. If this is true, it exonerates the four women who are suspects. The problem will be getting a jury to believe all of this. I barely believe it myself.

Sam runs into June on the street.

Sam: June! I have to talk to you, it's urgent!

June: I'm on my way to see how much my dead Aunt Martha, rest her soul, left me in her will. Want to come with?

Sam: June! Listen! Let's go have a coffee for 10 minutes and then you can go to see your fortune.

They sit in a coffee shop.

Sam: You know I have powers. Well, one of my powers is the ability to know if somebody is getting close to knowing about me. And somebody is, for sure. It's probably that crazy pig who has it out for me because I took that beautiful lady's blue ring. And now I'm blue. But I got rid of it. Doesn't Martha Clark have it or is it in the evidence room? I can't keep track of all these things sometimes. (sighs wearily)

June: You know, Sam, I am so excited about inheriting money, I really can't think straight right now. I'll give you a cut, don't worry about that. How can a silly little piggy testify? That's absurd. It's bonkers. It's nuts. It's insane.

Sam: If I can find a way to get that ring out of police custody and get it back to the pig, or Lisa, maybe the pig won't squeal.

June: The pig won't squeal?! (laughs uproariously loud, attracting attention)

June: I'm sad about Aunt Martha, Sam, but that pig joke was so funny! I needed that, which sounds odd since it was my joke. To try to answer the question, I think the FBI took the ring as evidence when Martha told the cops Emmett gave it to her.

Sam: Well, I doubt I'll try to get it back from the cops. Things are too hot right now. Who knows, they might have given it back to this Lisa lady. And I'm staying away from Hoosterville, that pig gives me the creeps.

A few tables away, a man behind a newspaper talks low into his walkie-talkie. Yeah, Lew, I just heard J.C. call the other female Sam. And Sam's talking about the cops.

Meanwhile, back sat the Cleaver house--

Beaver: You never answered my question, Wally. Do you think Dad would or could protect us from Mom, if we came clean with him?

Wally: Dad might worry if he tried to protect us, he could be charged with aiding and abetting. And if we blabbed about Mom as the mastermind of everything, but made ourselves look as pure as the wind driven snow, she would probably go after us big time.
One thing I possibly could do is see if Sam would be loyal to us, and use her powers for us, and not Mom. It's a possibility, since we know where Mom has the cash stash. But it's risky to the max.

Beaver: Why are you talking about snow? It's fall, not winter.

Wally: How did you do on the fifth grade IQ test? Shh, never mind.

Ward comes in. Guys, if you have any problem, and I think you do, just come to me. All I ask for is the truth, the whole truth.

Beaver: Mom's the mastermind behind it all! She forced Wally to help her!

Wally: No, Beaver! No! Leave me out of this! I want no part of this. (Wally runs out the front door.)

Ward: Beaver, what is all of this about?

Beaver: Mom and Wally robbed the Mayfield Bank and the Hooterville Bank. I helped them but Mom forced me too. She said if I didn't help her I'd have to eat Brussels sprouts every day for a month. (Beaver cries.)

Ward: Beaver. Now this is too much. Get a hold of yourself. I have to say I don't believe you. This must be a prank. It's not Halloween yet. And it's NOT funny!

Meanwhile...Wally is walking downtown and spots June and Sam in the coffee shop so he goes in.

Wally: You guys, you need to come with me NOW! (Sam tosses a large bill on the table and they all go outside.)

Wally: First of all, there is some guy in there who was listening in on your talk. He was speaking into a walkie talkie. He's onto you. And Beaver just told Dad that me and Mom robbed two banks!

June: I will kill that little traitor.

Sam: June, let's go sit down where cooler heads will prevail.

Wally: Let's walk fast, away from this GI man.

They come to a hole-in-the-wall diner off the beaten path and go inside.

Wally: Beaver ratted us out, Mom.

Sam: I put a spell on Ward to think those four ladies did the bank robberies. Does he have a talisman that is protecting him from my spells?

June: Whatever a talisman is, we need to destroy it. If Ward turns against me, I will lose it. I will have a nervous breakdown. I act tough but I need my husband.

Wally: There is a chance Dad might think Beaver is making it all up. As I headed out the door, I shouted "I don't want any part of this." We need to say Beaver is making all this up because he's mad at us. But Sam, we have to get that talisman thing and bury it so he can't fight your spells! Do something! Or we're finished! (tries not to cry)

Sam: Ok. I will think of something. Oh, let me put a quick spell on Beaver. That way I can get him to say he made it all up. But that will just buy us a little time. Things are getting serious.

At the house...

Beaver: Um (stumbles over his words) um...er..good joke, right Dad?

Ward: Beaver! You think that was a good joke? YOU'RE GROUNDED!

Beaver: But Dad!

Ward: Go upstairs, son. I have to go out.

At the police station:

Ward: My younger son told me a few minutes ago that my wife snd older son are responsible for both bank robberies. As this was going on my older son was dashing out the door.

Erskine: If it's true that they were responsible for both bank incidents, with what I was just told by our undercover man, your wife and the woman known as Sam were conversing at a downtown coffee shop. Before you came in he tailed them and your older son, to a rural diner. (He pauses and picks up a walkie-talkie) I was just told we have undercover backup there now. Oddly, our men are all armed with talismans.

Colby: Mr. Cleaver, you are probably in grave danger from the occult. I hope you still have a talisman.

Ward: Yes, I do.

Erskine: Do you have anywhere to go other than your home? We really think you should be out of town. From what you've told us about what your younger son has said, we think he is in danger, too.

Ward: My wife's aunt recently died, and I have keys to her home in Bellport.

Colby: We will have a man accompany you to your home, where I think you need to get your younger son, and go there for a few days. This man will also have a talisman, and we think your younger son should also have one. Our man will accompany you, plus another one will follow, to make sure nothing happens to either of you. This case is important enough and odd enough that we will have one of them stay with you in your wife's aunt's house.

At the Cleaver house, Ward and the other undercover man find Beaver in his room. Even though he is sixteen years old, he is crying like a baby.

Ward: Beaver, it's all right. Everything will be all right. This man is an undercover FBI agent. I had to tell you I didn't believe you, to protect you.

Things are dangerous for us here. We must go to Aunt Martha's house in Bellport for a short while, and he will accompany us.

Beaver: I'm sorry to be crying, Dad. This is a lot for even a sixteen year old.

Ward: Yes, son, it is. But try to rest assured we'll be OK.

Agent: Son, here is a talisman. Make sure to keep this on you at all times, Pajamas, everything.

Beaver: Ok, sir. Dad, what is this?

Ward: Without going into a lot of detail, it protects, we hope, against the occult.

Beaver: What will happen to Mom?

Ward: Suffice it to say my heart is broken now. At this point, we're not at all sure. And we're not sure about your brother, either.

At Bellport:

The two Cleaver men unpack and settle in.

Agent: I will be sticking close to both of you while we are here.

At the diner:

The talisman-armed agents approach June, Wally, and Sam.

Erskine and Colby enter.

Erskine: You are all under arrest, for suspicion of bank robbery. You have the right to remain silent.

Etc.

Colby (aside to Erskine): We must find a way to neutralize her powers. But how? We are safe, hopefully, but what about others?

Sam uses her super duper powers to conjure up a vat of hot oil and pours it on the agents' heads

Sam: Run!

Wally, June, and Sam run as fast as they can out the door.

Sam: Keep running! Those agents are going to be burnt. They won't come after us but they'll send somebody else.

June: Oh, my stars! Now we're runaways. Let's catch a train! Look, I see one on the tracks up ahead.

They all run and jump on the train.

Wally: I wonder where this train is going?

Later....

Wally: Where are we? Should we get off here?

Sam: This is Pixley. It's a town near where the pig lives. Let's get off here. Maybe we can stay in the barn and lay low for awhile. What a disaster. But it's sort of exciting too!

Wally: Sam, how were you able to summon that vat of hot oil just in time?

Sam: Luckily for all of us here, I have been studying the black arts. I just learned that trick! I'm pretty good. And I'm going to get better and stronger.

June: Hey, there's a bank. Let's go there and just case the joint. I've got bank robbery in my blood now, there's no going back. I'll miss Ward and Beaver, but the little rat fink did turn on us. I won't miss him that much. I will miss Ward though. If we ever do go to jail, I wonder if he will visit me? Or maybe he'll just marry someone else. (sniffles)

Wally: I guess it's true what they say. If you can't do the time, don't do the crime. We're in too deep now. It will be sad if I go to jail and I won't ever be able to get married or have kids of my own.

Sam: I'll protect us for as long as I can. I won't miss the bowling alley though. My husband will likely remarry, but who cares? I'm free as a bird! Free!!!!

Meanwhile at the diner--

Colby (soaked in oil): I told you we needed to neutralize her powers.

A soaked Erskine agrees: You said it. Do we have the Cleaver house secured?

Colby: Yes. But we have to figure out something to do about these escapees. Wherever they are, thy're probably plotting to do another bank job.

Erskine: Get with Mr. Cleaver. See if he'll allow us to search their house, so we don't have to get a warrant. Do we have a rundown on this Sam character?

Colby: Yes. Her name is Samantha Stephens, and she worked at Mayfield Bowl. Her husband's name is Darrin. We have an APB out on her, and it describes how dangerous she is.

Erskine: We need to talk to this Darrin, and see what he knows.

Meanwhile at Hooterville:

Lisa: Hello, Arnold. Hello, Mrs. Ziffel.

Arnold: Several oinks.

Doris: He says the real bank robbers are someplace near here.

Lisa: I just want my ring back.

Doris: I think we better let that G-Man know, right, Arnold?

Arnold: Oink.

Later as the sun is about to go down, a weary June, Wally, and Sam approach the Ziffel place.

Sam: We can sleep in the barn. I've been thinking up a plan and I got one. I'm going to put a spell on our pink pal Arnold here. He is going to be under my control. He will be my slave basically and it's much easier to control a pig than a person.

Wally: A pig slave? That's kind of neat. What is he going to do for us?

Sam: He's going to say whatever we want him to say. These crazy folks believe he is a hero or something and they believe what he tells them. I'm going to cozy right up to that little guy and whisper into his ear.

June: You're going to whisper into a pig's ear? Why didn't I just keep washing dishes and baking cakes? Why did I have to turn to the dark side. (sighs)

Wally: Hopefully this little piggy will be easy to manipulate. I wonder what Dad and the Beaver are talking about right now?

At Gilbert's house...

Gilbert: Beaver! Your mother and your brother are fugitives from justice!

Beaver: I know, Gilbert. I had to turn them in. They were bringing me into the illegal schemes and I wanted out. Now I get to grow up and have a family of my own while Wally will be stuck in a jail cell. What a dope. He could have stayed with Dad and me but he is closer to Mom.

Inside the Ziffel house--

Doris: Where is Arnold?

Fred Z. - Where he always is at the time--he came in a while ago to watch Dragnet. He's been a fan of Harry Morgan since the December Bride days.

Doris: Arnold! C'mere!

Arnold: Oink Oink.

Fred Z: Glad you don't mind, since Dragnet just ended.

Arnold Oink oink.

Doris: What? One of the real bank robbers is nearby? Where, do you know?

Arnold: Oink oink.

Fred Z.: O heavens, Doris! The barn? What'll we do? He smells her--he says it's the one who untied him.

Doris: I heard him! Well, the G-Man thought he might be in danger, so he gave us those figurines, which he said might protect us. Maybe we should call the Inspector. The G-man gave me his card.

Fred Z.: I'll put Arnold's jacket on and hide the figurine inside. I think we should get one, too.

Doris (on the phone): Inspector? Arnold says he smells one of the real robbers, and she is in our barn.

Erskine: We actually have your farm under surveillance, and we saw the three of them go in the barn. Do you have the talismans our agent gave you?

Doris: Yes.

Erskine: Arnold too?

Doris. Yes, yes! is there something your men can do?

Erskine: We have to be careful, because the woman, named Samantha, unleashed hot oil on us in Mayfield. Our men have a member of what's called the Witches' Council with our surveillance team. She claims to be a more powerful witch than Samantha.

At the barn--

Erskine's men, again armed with talismans, surround the barn quietly.

One of the group enters the barn.

Sam: Ticheba! Queen of the witches!

Ticheba: The one and only! (She conjures a pitcher of hot oil and positions it over Samantha and dumps the pitcher on her.)

How does that feel? You have sullied the name of all witches. You have misused your powers for evil and not for good. You know I have the power to strip you of your powers. What do you have to say for yourself?

Wally: Whoa!

Sam: I bow to the queen of the witches, soaked as i am.

Ticheba: YOU will face the Witches Council and account for your actions! (She waves her hands and thunder is heard. Both disappear in a cloud of smoke. A scream is heard from Samantha, trailing off into nothing.)

By this time Erskine has arrived.

Agent: Inspector, did you witness any of this?

Erskine: Whoever said Whoa, I concur. Yes, I did. Too bad no one had a movie camera, but it's fortunate we have multiple agents here to have seen this.

June: What about us? You have nothing on us, no proof of anything. And how did you come up with that woman, or whatever she is?

June: I'm going to call a lawyer. Don't put one finger on me. Can I use your phone?

Doris: Yes, right this way. Do you like pigs?

June: Oh, I love pigs. They're so cute and smart. We got hoodwinked into doing that witch's bidding, Mrs. Z. She put me and my son Wally under her spell. First she put Wally under her spell at the bowling alley and then he came home and infected me. I need to look up a phone number.

In NYC, Jackie Chiles picks up the phone.

Jackie: I am outraged! You're being arrested on the word of a farm animal? This is outrageous, egregious, preposterous and I will defend you pro bono. Where is this psychotic pig town?

June hangs up the phone.

June: Mrs. Z. I got the best defense lawyer there is, from New York City. He will get me and my son Wally out of this. And by the way, that sapphire ring that was stolen was taken by that witch Samantha. She told us all about it. But then she planted it in Emmett Clark's shirt pocket and he gave it to his wife Martha. I wish poor Wally had never gone bowling that fateful day.

Doris: It must have been horrible being under the spell of that witch.

June: Oh, yes. And I would love to meet that poor lady who lost her ring to that robbery.

Arnold: Oink oink.

Doris: He says you're the real deal. And he can tell you are now released from the spell.
I'll call Miz Douglas. You'll love her; everyone does.

Doris (on the phone): Hello, Miz Douglas? I was beginning to think you weren't home.

Lisa: It takes a little longer, since I have to climb the pole.

Doris: Oh, that's right. I'd like you to meet Miz Cleaver. Could you come over? She was under a witch's spell, but the most incredible thing happened. Just come on over and we'll tell you about it.

June: Anyway, she had us all under a spell, except my husband. Beaver, not so much, too--he my younger son. I almost broke free when she threatened to kill him. Had I been able to break free I would have strangled her with my bare hands. No one threatens my children and gets away with it, even a witch.

Arnold: Oink oink.

Doris: He wants to help you all he can.

June: Arnold, you will love Jackie. I met him years ago when my dearly departed Aunt Martha and I attended an opera in New York.

Arnold: Oink oink.

Jackie Chiles meets with Ward and June in the Cleaver kitchen.

Jackie: Samantha Stephens' actions were lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous!

June cries into her handkerchief.

Ward: And she ran around town without a bra on! Indecent!

Jackie: That is a public humiliation!

June wipes away her tears and looks admiringly at Jackie.

Jackie: Just look at that face. June, your face is my case. How could anyone ever doubt you?

A delivery driver shows up at the Cleaver household. Ward accepts the food and gives the driver a tip.

Ward: June is in no condition to cook so I ordered some food for us.

Ward gives Jackie a sandwich.

Jackie: Oh, for crying out loud. Who told them to put the cheese on? I said not to put the cheese on.

June cries harder.

Ward: We're sorry Jackie. I'll take the cheese sandwich and you can have mine with no cheese.

Jackie: Pickles! I hate pickles. Did you tell them to put pickles on your sandwich? When I eat something with pickles all I can taste is the pickles.

Ward: Margie is here, helping in the kitchen. I'll have her take off the pickles.

Wally: Margie is here? I haven't seen her in like three years.

Margie: Wally, would you mop the kitchen floor?

Wally: Sure!

Jackie: Where is the pig? I gotta talk to a pig? Who ever heard of a talking pig?

June: A lady named Doris will translate his oinks.

Jackie: Ah, sweet June. They released you. No bail. You're free and clear, I know it. We'll make sure of it. Is that lemonade over there?

Wally, with Margie in the kitchen: It was so weird, I knew what I was doing, but I could not stop, due to the spell.

Margie: Well, I never heard of such a thing.

Wally: I hadn't either. I thought she only had others in her power, but most of her powers were focused on Mom and me. That may be why Beaver wasn't so susceptible. So many spells limited her power, maybe. I know when she mentioned wanting to kill my brother, that almost broke the spell for me.

Jackie: How 'bout that lemonade?

At police headquarters:

Colby: Besides the bank jobs and the safe break-ins at the 9034 building, there were some unexplained incidents that happened at the hospital. For instance, one Agnes Haskell reported suspecting June Cleaver's involvement in the illness of her son, Edward Haskell.

Erskine: While we're in Mayfield, let's see what we can do to help the police here. First we need to try and find out if Samantha was involved with June and Wally Cleaver during that time. These could merely be wild accusations from Mrs. Haskell. Would you interview her?

Colby: Will do, Inspector.

June, Wally, and Beaver are in the living room, reminiscing, with an open book -- the year is 1990 --

June: Oh, that was fun to go thru this story again, wasn't it, my two wonderful boys? Oops, it's sooo funny for me to call you boys, since you have nearly-grown children of your own!

Beaver: You've always had such a wonderful reputation here in Mayfield--no one would ever think you'd write such a wonderful book back in 1968--about the three of us! Well, four--if you count dad, who typically figured it out.

Wally: It was such a natural beginning--getting tired enough of Eddie to slip him something with mayonnaise.

June: And ending up in a tale of the occult, capitalizing on the popularity of such TV shows as "Dark Shadows." I'm just glad so many nice people allowed us to use popular names from that time.

Beaver: I know Dad died young, but I'm sure glad he lived to read that book. He always knew you had talent, and you were way more than June Cleaver, housewife.

:tiphat:

At the dinner table:

June: Ward, did you read my book?

Ward: What book?

June: "The Cleaver Crime Family"

Ward: It should have been titled "The June Cleaver Crime Family"

June: Kiss my grits!

June: Ward, why do you insist the boys call you sir? That went out in the Dark Ages.

Ward: Your Aunt Martha suggested it to me.

June: Yes, sir, like I said, that was a great idea!

Ward: Listen June, I've been thinking. Why don't you start wearing blue jeans around the house like Elly May Clampett? I'm tired of the pearls and dresses. What do you say, ol' girl?

June: "Ol' girl?" Excuse me? Are you looking for a fat lip, Ward Cleaver?

Ward: Oh, Junie, don't be such a poor sport. And I don't prefer a fat lip thank you very much. I don't need to use botox.

June: Ward, ol' boy, have you ever even worn a pair of blue jeans? All I've ever seen you in is a business suit or a birthday suit and both are equally gross.

See above post (last post wouldn't change)

Ward: Why you witch! Don't bother sewing a costume for Halloween, June. Come as you are! And by the way, Mrs. Rutherford likes my birthday suit. So stick it!

June: Remember, I was watching Don Rickles on the Paar show, too. So you need to come up with something original.

And Gwen Rutherford would like any guy who had a few locks of hair-even you with your greasy kids stuff. She was looking up, not down, and you really need to stop hanging out at the gym.

June: Remember, I was watching Don Rickles on the Paar show, too. So you need to come up with something original.

And Gwen Rutherford would like any guy who had a few locks of hair-even you with your greasy kids stuff. She was looking up, not down, and you really need to stop hanging out at the gym.

Ward: June, you're just jealous because Gwen has the hots for me, admit it!

June: Actually, I feel sorry for her. She must have a few screws loose.

Ward: Don't make me angry, June. You won't like me when I'm angry. (leaves the house, slamming the door)

June (yells after him): I don't like you either way!

Ward comes back into the house. For the love of Lumpy Rutherford, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

June: Ooh, Lumpy. Now there's a man, unlike you. A big hunka man!

By the way, why did you come back in?

Ward: I forgot Gwen's number. Buzz off.

June: Funny, Gwen just called. "Buzz off" is what she told me to tell you for her.

And would you please buzz off? Fred is coming over. He wants me to Simonize his head.

Ward: You're kinky. I wish I had known that before I put a ring on it. I'm so over you. (walks out)

June (mumbling to herself as he walks out): Unfortunately, he'll probably be back. Maybe I should have the locks changed.

Wally enters the room. Hey Mom! Are you going to lock Dad out of the house? You're a queen!

June: He has spoiled everything we've done, number one son! He deserves to be locked out.

I'm sick of baking cookies; I'd still like to get back to the good times; ooh, that adrenaline flow was such an upper! We just need to keep away from bringing in outsiders, even the Beaver.

Wally: Yeah, it's just the two of us. Dad and the Beav are squares.

June: They just don't know how to have fun. You and me, we're built differently.

Wally: You and I.

June: That's what I said. Do we need to have your hearing checked?

Wally: Oh, I guess grammar police aren't invented yet. I take it back. You and me, all the way, Baby!

June: Your hearing is bad, and now you're wishy-washy. You're your father's son, that's for sure. Or maybe you're hanging around with Lumpy too much.

Wally: Gee, Mom. That's your take away from what I said? Nothing about the "Baby" comment?

June: Well, I'm at least 15 years older than you, and you call me baby? I'd say lol, but it's 1963 and I'd be jumping the gun.

Anyway I'm calling Dr. Thompson. You need your head examined!

Wally: I'm perfectly sane, Mother. At least I'm not like that Norman Bates fella.

June: Wherever your father went, why don't you join him?

Wally: Gladly. He went down to the pool hall to get away from you, that's where I'm going to. Have fun talking to that dweeb Beaver.

June (yells after him): Beaver is the only one who helps me keep my sanity! You and your father are enough to drive anyone to the brink!

Fred knocks at the door.

Fred: Junie, open up! Honey, are you okay? Did Ward hit you?!

June: Oh, Fred! Glad you dropped by.

Let me get the Simonize and the buffer and polish your scalp. It relieves my tension.

Fred: Oh, good, this is my favorite thing in the world. So, Baby Cakes, how's tricks? Ward being a dog again?

June: You work with him at whatever you guys do down there, so you know what a jerk he is. (pause) You know, some clear shoe polish would work wonder up there. Wish I had some.

Fred: Don't tell Ward I said this, but we don't even really work. We just sit around and shuffle papers around. Why don't you use some of that cooking oil on my head, Honey?

June: Good idea! (yells) Beaver, would you get me the Wesson?

Beaver (entering): What lesson? (pause) Hey, mom, have you been watching Elmer Fudd?

Fred: Funny boy--sharp as a tack, June! It's oil, boy, oil!

Beaver: Um, Mr. Rutherford, Sir, why is my mother oiling your head? She never does that with my father.

June: It's Wesson, Beaver--the brand of oil I buy.

Fred: Yes, Theodore, my head polishes up very well. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm bald and your father isn't.

Eddie knocks at the door.

June lets him in.

Eddie: June Bug? Who is this oily man and have you turned to him because I'm too young? Oh, Mr. Rutherford?! Yikes.