Beaver: Something smells fishy around here. Are you making tuna salad for lunch again?

(Eddie cringes in the corner) June (flustered): Uh, yes, Beaver. For us, just for us. That's the fish smell. I'm trying a different recipe, without mayonnaise. Oh, and sugar cookies. For dessert. How's that sound? Good, huh?

Beaver: Gee, that sounds swell, Mom!

June: Good boy! Now why don't you go upstairs and wash up? You look filthy.

Beaver: Okay, Mom. You know how much I love my bubble baths.

June: Yes, Beaver, we all know how much you enjoy any bath. Now go on upstairs and hop in, OK? And if you leave the bathroom, please be sure to shut off the water!

Beaver: Gee, Mom. I'm not stupid, I know how to turn off the water. (sighs heavily)

June: Right, Beaver, like when you managed to collapse the kitchen ceiling. What a little dope you are!

Beaver: I'm too little now, Mom, but when I grow up, I'm going to get you back by giving you the silent treatment and then you'll be sorry.

June (to herself): I’ll fix that brat. Where’s that hive?

Beaver: I've had it with the yes sirs and no sirs and suits on all evening and acting like what are you doing here if I walk in "your" living room, and if I ask what's going on you say, it doesn't concern you. I'm just a little kid but I know this just isn't right!

Beaver: I'm sorry, Dad and Mom. Sometimes you just blow up. I didn't mean any of that.

Ward: Sure, Beav. I know you fly off the handle sometimes. We all do. Don't sweat it.

June: Perspire, dear!

Ward: June, please. We're men here. Go bat your eyelashes with Mrs. Mondello if you can't handle the tough talk.

Beaver: Yeah, dad, she pulls that one with me, too. It's got to where I correct myself now, like sweat is a bad word. Maybe when Arthur tripped me I should have told him to go sweat.

Ward (chuckling): Sometimes women are real picky about the way men talk. You just have to laugh it off or you won't get dinner.

Beaver: You and me solve stuff pretty good, don't we, Dad? But Mom called me a dope awhile ago. That's somethin' I'll probably remember twenty years from now.

From the New Leave It To Beaver -

Beaver: Mom, remember when you called me a dope 20 years ago? I still remember that.

June: I do too and it still applies.

Beaver: Seriously, Mom. You named me Beaver. I was always going to have issues.

June: We named you Theodore. Blame your stupid brother for what eventually morphed into Beaver.

Beaver: That's fair. Next time I go to my therapist, I'll blame Wally.

June: You know, Beaver, some kids, when they get a little older, profess to dislike their nickname. You could simply say, please call me Theo, Ted, or Teddy.

Beaver: Nah, it's too late. The damage to my psyche has been done.

June: Yeah, damaged mind is a pretty apt description. Ask your shrink why you are always swayed by your so-called friends, to do the wrong thing.

Beaver: I think Gilbert is going to grow up to be a serial killer. Maybe Whitey too. And Lumpy. They have repressed anger.

June: Well! My compliments to how well you quoted the shrink. And what did he say about you?

Beaver: He said I was a creep, but not the killer type. I'm good.

June: Creep? What is a creep? Knowing you, it's not good.

Beaver: A creep is a person who makes your skin crawl. I think I need to find a new therapist.

June: You're actually doing quite well with the therapist. My barbs just seem to zing right past you, and that keeps you calm and even-tempered.

Or, you're more dense than a concrete block.

LOL

June: What does LOL mean, Beaver?

Beaver: I think it's short for the comic strip, Lolly. Gee, I'm smarter'n I thought.

June: You are practically a genius if you compare yourself to Gilbert and Richard!

Beaver: Wow, thanks, Mom! I may not need the shrink anymore.

June: Really, Beaver, sometimes you are too hard on yourself. You're a good egg!

Beaver: Good egg? Huh? (pauses) We, at least the good part sounds--good.

June: It's an expression, Beaver. A good egg means you are an egg fit to eat and not a rotten one. Of course, nobody will eat my little baby. Don't go near any bears though.

Beaver: Nobody loves me. I'm goin' up in my bathroom and lock myself in and sulk.

Wally: Ah, Beav, stop being a fussy baby.

June: Yes, Beaver, when you lock yourself in there like a baby would, what happens when someone else needs to take a bath or wash hands? Of course, everyone knows those are the only things a Cleaver would need the bathroom for.

Beaver: What are you implying? Is it something dirty?!

June: Beaver! You know I never talk dirty. And other than that incident when your father was away, I hope you don't, either.

I was just making a small tee-hee joke.

Beaver: Oh, good, Mom. I didn't want to have to re-enter therapy if I found out my mother was a dirty birdie.

June: When I use the word "dirty" about you, Beaver, I want to be talking only about your hands, or that Eddie smeared gum in your hair. Things of that nature.

I don't think we've talked this long together before, Beaver, and here you are twelve years old.

Who wrote this dialog?

^ LOL

Beaver: Well, Mom, if you weren't always baking in the kitchen, maybe you'd have more time to talk to your sons and get to really know them. Just a thought.

June: Te hee. You're so funny! The Beaver, comedian. Am I to take it that I should omit you from my gingerbread and cookies fan list?

Beaver: Well, now you're just being mean! (pouts)

June: Beaver, I said Te hee! Did I ever tell you I did standup comedy at the Mayfield PX during the war? So I always go for the joke.

Beaver: Wow, Mom, I'm impressed! I wonder how come you're not that funny anymore though?

June: Ah, my little class clown. Miss Landers told me how you act up in school, and I'm beginning to believe it.

Why don't you do me a favor, and see if you can get Eddie to come back over, without him putting gum in your hair?

Beaver: You're being passive aggressive now. My therapist told me about people like you. I'm telling Dad when he gets home.

June: My how quickly things can turn, my sweet baboo. Don't let the door slam against you on your way out.

And I can deal with your father.

Beaver: Sweet Baboo? Who dat, fool?

June: It came from a soap I was watching. And YOU were on your way out. WAY out!

Beaver: Oh, your precious soap opera stories. Well, we can't miss any of those to talk to our own children now can we? I'm leaving so save it.

June: Bye! (under her breath) Ya little pain in the ... (sees Eddie approaching, perks up) Oh, hi, my sweet Edward!

Eddie: I love it when you call me Edward, June Bug!

June: Oh Edward, I think we're alone. My shoulders are tense.

Edward: I'm the man for the job. When is Ward coming home?

June: He's playing golf, sweetie. He'll be gone for a few hours.

Edward: I can give you a neck rub for 1 hour just to get that nasty Beaver out of your mind. That little rat gets on your nerves and you need your Edward to soothe you.

June: Oh Eddie, dear Eddie, my sweetie, you are so right. Let me prepare my shoulders for your soft touch.

Ward: What is going on in here?

June: Oh, uh, hello, dear. (quickly tries to get her act together). How was your golf game?

Eddie: Hello, sir. I'm trying to get a job in a massage parlor. You know, the one next to the pool hall. June, uh, Mrs. Cleaver, just was going to critique my training so far.

Ward: Are you freaking kidding me? Eddie, go home! June, I need to have a word with you now!

June: Uh, I smell something burning in the kitchen. I'll be right back.

Ward: If I were not such a gentleman, I'd tan your hide! But since I am a gentleman, we can discuss this calmly after you save dinner.

Eddie: Well, I'll be leaving now. Your lawn certainly looks very nice, Mr. Cleaver.

Ward: Eddie, don't come around here anymore to talk to my wife. You're too young to try this foolishness.

Eddie: Talk to your wife, not me. She likes my back rubs.

Ward: (starts to cry) Please leave her alone, Eddie. She's all I have.

Eddie: I'm gone. I can't stand to see a grown man cry.

(Wally and June enter) Wally: What's going on here?

June: Ward, get a grip. You're worse than Jack Paar and Bennett Cerf combined.

Ward: I just love you so much, June. Even the thought that that boy Eddie touched you makes me sick. I'll rub your back tonight, okay?

June: Oh, for crying out loud. Eddie, go on over to Hank's place; maybe Marlene is there.

I have to stay here and get pawed.

Eddie (who had not closed the door yet): OK, Junie! See ya!

^LOL

Beaver enters the house. Hey, Mom! Hey, Dad! Nothing funny is going on in here is it? Eddie had a weird look on his face as he left.

June: We just turned off the TV. Harriet and Ozzie were pretty funny.

Ward (regaining his composure): Oh, knock it off, dear. Tell the kid about your "massage therapist."

June: Well, Beaver, Eddie got a little touchy feely with me earlier and your father had a conniption but we'll work past it. It didn't mean anything. Gee, Ward.

Beaver: Conniption? Better give 'im some paregoric, Mom. Nothin' wors'n bein' plugged up.

June: Oh, Beaver. You do so poorly in vocabulary. Try cracking open a dictionary.

Beaver: Vocabulary? Where's that dictionary, Mom?

Ward: Our kid is stupid.

June: When he's stupid, he's your kid. Let's face it, your family produced a bunch of ding-a-lings.

Ward: June, when did you become so outspoken? I thought I married a mouse in pearls but you've been shocking me lately.

June: When did you become a wimp? Walking in here crying like a little girl--and just because Eddie is visiting?--really, Ward!

Ward: I overheard him call you Junie Bug or something! I was beside myself.

June: It was just a joke, Ward. Like when I say I'll give him some mayo, even though I know he's allergic to it. You need to lighten up.

Changing the subject, gee, my back feels better!

:lol:

Beaver: Pass the Brussels sprouts! I want seconds.

Wally: I'd love a hunk of that prune pudding tonight, Mom!

Ward: Yes, all of that sounds tasty! Only thing better would be to have some turnips on the table, too.

Beaver: Are turnips better than Brussels sprouts?

Ward: It's a hard choice, but I think I'd rather have the sprouts.

Wally: Is my full name Wallace or Waldo?

Ward: What a nerd! Let's just say, it should have been Waldo.

Wally: As in Ralph Waldo Emerson?

Ward: Right, son, perfect example of a nerd. He actually went by Waldo.

Wally: Well, I'm going to be a philosopher like him. I know stuff. I've learned stuff living with you fools.

Ward: Oh, a wise guy, huh? Let me know when you want a car so I can have the pleasure of saying no.

Wally: F---, I mean, fine!

Ward (to Beaver): And you watch yourself, too!

Beaver: Did Wally almost say the F word? Aren't we on a family show here? What the F--- is going on?!

June: F word? I take it I don't even want to know what that is. It's probably along the lines of what you said in the hall at school, when Arthur tripped you.

I still want to talk to Mrs. Rayburn and find out why they allow boys to trip other boys without punishment.

Wally: You're such a square, Mom. :rolleyes:

June: I wish you boys would speak a common language everyone understands. Now what is this "square?" Ward, you really need to establish some order around here.

Ward: June, it's not the boys' fault you can't brush up on the latest expressions. Get with it!

June: Oh, like you're up on the latest, with all your talk about Wally having gumption, and how you used to crank your Model T.

Ward: As my wife, I would ask you to support me more than this.

June: As your wife, let me sweetly ask you, what is it you do at the office? When I drive by, all I see is "9034," and that tells me nothing. So you don't really support me, you just go to 9034 and I never see anything. Not even a dishwasher.

Ward: I have no idea what you're talking about but stop spying on me at work!

June: Driving by is spying? A little paranoid huh, dear?

Ward: I'm a very private man and you know that! Stop driving by!

June: I'll drive anywhere I wanna. Like on my way to Hank's Place.

Ward: You floozy!!!!!!!!!!!!

June: I LOVE it when you talk like that!

Beaver, Wally (in unison): Well, I don''t!

June: Boys, your parents have the right to some privacy, now scat!

Ward: Why would we need privacy? I thought you wanted to go to Hank's Place. Probably to hook up with Eddie.

Ward: I just got an offer to go into business with Ozzie Nelson. Now we will be together, doing….er….er…..

cd

June: Typical. I still wouldn't know what you're doing all day.

Wally: Gee, are you guys getting a divorce? You sound all edgy and stuff.

Ward: I think your mother is. She seems to be doing her own thing, and constantly picking little fights with me. Plus her interest in back rubs from a younger guy you might know.

Wally: Yikes, Mom. Is Mom a tramp!?

June: Wally, I am NOT a hobo!

Ward: No, but you ARE a vixen!

June: Yes, and I also speak jive!

Wally: Hey, guys. Isn't Vixen one of the reindeer?

Beaver (after eating the prune football on the "Beaver Special"): Wally, we really ought to have a toilet in our bathroom, 'cause I really need one now!

Wally: You little goof! You should have known what prunes do.

Beaver (after eating the prune football on the "Beaver Special"): Wally, we really ought to have a toilet in our bathroom, 'cause I really need one now!

Wally: You little goof! You should have known what prunes do.

Wally: Hey! Come to think of it, remember Captain Jack? We DO have a—oh. Sorry, just a tank lid.

Beaver: I'm calm. I'm just dancin'. I don't think the tank lid is gonna help me now.

Wally: What kind of goofballs would put a PRUNE in an ice cream sundae anyway?

Beaver (dancing like crazy): Same idiot who would put in a bathroom without a toilet! And the bum I let in is in mom and dad's bathroom!

[situational music playing, Ward & June in living room, same episode]

Ward (reading newspaper): Well, June, I see our boy’s winning touchdown has gone viral.
June: What do you mean?
Ward: Check out this headline…..

[See Post #383 in “Rejected Titles….LOL”] 😉

June: Ward! We don't talk about such things in this house.

Wally: Oh it’s okay, Mom. Nothing to go ape over.

cd

June (throws up her arms): Oh, why do I even try? (mumbles to herself as she exits) There is just too much testosterone in this house.

Ward: That Gilbert is a real sissy boy. I can't stand him.

Beaver: Gee, Dad, he's my best friend. He's sneaky and obnoxious, but a sissy? That's rough.

Ward: I calls 'em like I sees 'em.

Beaver: It STRIKES me that you did! You're really on the BALL, Dad. Get it?

Beaver: It STRIKES me that you did! You're really on the BALL, Dad. Get it?

Ward (with thumb out): Beaver….you’re OUT! Judy will pinch hit.

Beaver: I guess that's SAFE to say, Dad!

June: Are you clods going to take me out for Mothers Day or what?

Beaver: I sure hope we don't. All you ever do is complain we're sitting in a draft.

Because it’s Mother’s Day, and ONLY because, I will eat Brussels sprouts.

June: That's a good boy, but I'm not cookin' those awful things today.

Ward: June, let's all go to Pizza Hut, how about it? Jump in the car, my treat everybody!

June: What is this Pizza Hut? For that matter, what is pizza? Aunt Martha never told me about that.

Ward: June, you have lived a very sheltered life, Honey. I'm going to introduce you to pizza at the Hut! Come on!

June: Oh, Ward, eating in a hut? What do you think this is, Gilligan's Island?

Ward: Oh, June, honestly. It's just a cute name okay. It's not an actual hut. They don't serve coconut cream pie either.

June: Hut, shanty, lean-to, shed, whatever you call it, I'd like to eat in a nice restaurant, not a hovel. Is that too much to ask on Mother's Day? My day!

Season 1 episode 1 Beaver: How ‘bout some hamburglars instead?

June: Well, crap! We talked all day and now it's Tuesday and you fools still have not taken me out. (sobs)

Ward: Oh, cool it! Let's just go out and get some Doggie Burgers at the Chuckwagon.

And tomorrow order yourself another slip from Gorman's.

June: Okay, Ward. I ordered a bra too, is that okay?

Ward: Just make sure they don't send it to Miss Landers again, like they did with that other slip. That mess was all your fault.

June: Ward, you don't need to be condescending to me.

Ward: I somewhat disagree. I need to be condescending, but I shouldn't have to be. If only you'd run a tight ship.

June: Well you're such a tightwad, Ward, it's hard to run a loose ship.

Ward: What? Tightwad, me? Didn't I get you a dishwasher? (pause) Oh, wait, I didn't--yet. Well, I'm not a tightwad.

June: I rub my hands raw washing dishes and you never help me. (sob!) Meanie!

Ward: Just use Palmolive, like the lady on TV. And quit that blubbering!

June: Oh, that lady on T.V. is a paid actress. I don't get paid for all the work I do!

Ward: Yeah, it's really tiring watching The Guiding Light and Search for Tomorrow.

June: They have men on those soaps that will melt your face, so shhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Ward: I wouldn't know. While you're "working" on watching those guys and adjusting your pearls, I'm bringing home the bacon.

June: You forget easily, Ward. Remember, even Eddie….EDDIE….offered to help wash the dishes. Speaks volumes, doesn’t it?

Ward: YOU forget that I dry the dishes, or the boys do, almost every night.

As much as you complain about the dishes, if I got you a dishwasher for any holiday, you'd complain about that, too. And I don't know why--you certainly have more than your quota of pearls.

Ward: YOU forget that I dry the dishes, or the boys do, almost every night.

As much as you complain about the dishes, if I got you a dishwasher for any holiday, you'd complain about that, too. And I don't know why--you certainly have more than your quota of pearls.

Beaver (under his breath): Too bad they aren’t pearls of wisdom.
Ward: BEAVER!!!

Beaver: I know, you wish you'd said that.

(Deleted—wrong section. cd)

June: I'd throw my pearls at you, Ward Cleaver, but I was told never to throw pearls before swine!

June: I'd throw my pearls at you, Ward Cleaver, but I was told never to throw pearls before swine!

Ward: Touché, dear. Touché.

[That WAS a good line you wrote.—cd]

:)

Wally: I love my pug nose. Who wouldn't want to have the nose of a pig? I was blessed with good genes.

Beaver: Oink! Can I have your nose thing, then? I'll use it right after I sandpaper my face and use the Glama Spray on my hair.

Wally: Sure, you little punk. But Halloween is not for several months yet.

Beaver: You pug nose you! Mary Ellen once told me it looks stupid! So you better keep the nose thing--you need all the help you can get.

Wally: If I weren't such a great big brother, I'd beat the tar out of you!

Beaver: You and whose sister? And your hair is weird too!

Wally: You better stop being a brat or I'll tell Judy you're in love with her.

Beaver: If you promise not to do that, I'll stop using your toothbrush to polish my shoes.

Wally (aghast): You do that?!? I'll kill you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beaver: Take it easy, ya boob! I rinse it off. (pause) No, really, Mom gives me an old one.
Golly, you'll believe anything.

Wally: Okay, I almost became an only child. You get to live now but watch your step.

Beaver: Ah, go peddle your papers.

Wally: Oh go sell some more tap water, Cheater!

Beaver: I'm gonna lock myself in the bathroom. Hope you don't need it.

Wally: If I have to pee, I'm going in your baseball cap!!

Beaver: You better not! My baseball cap is iconic. (pause) Where'd I get that one?

Wally: Listen you little goofball, don't lock me out of the bathroom or you'll have an iconic funeral!

Beaver: Listen, if you need to pee, just go down to the gas station. Or hang it out the window and see mom go to pieces!

Wally: Hang it out the window, are you insane? It's not a garden hose, you know.

Beaver: Whatever you need to do. Beaver needs to hang out in the throne room.

Wally: Hey, Beav, it's Memorial Day. Do you wanna walk through the cemetery late tonight and see if we get scared or not?

Beaver: Good idea! If Judy Hensler scares me I'm sure the cemetery would do it. But we gotta make sure Dad doesn't find out.

Wally: Dad might not care but Mom would throw a hissy fit.

Beaver: You're dead on with that, Wally. Dad might even go along.

Wally: Dad is quite something. Don't ever tell Mom.

Beaver: I've been doin' some listenin' lately and they're not gettin' along at all, Wally. I know when Chopper was here I wanted them to get a divorce--I'm thinkin' they may do it.

Wally: Maybe in the Seventies they will but in the Fifties, nope.

Beaver: C'mon, Wally, they wouldn't wait till they were 70. And I sure don't think they're 50 now!

(lol!)

^LOL

Well, Dad would never let Mom get away. He always said she was a good catch.

Beaver: Well, maybe I should stop listenin' to stuff. I don't even get half of what they talkin' or yellin' about anyway.

Wally: Yeah, adults are kind of kooky.

Beaver: You said it. Also we been talkin' so much we missed Memorial Day at the cemetery. Wonder if Dad'd still wanna go.

Wally: I think Dad is getting ready for the next holiday, The Fourth of July. I heard him say that Miss Landers is a real firecracker and she really lights his fuse.

Beaver: You know I like her, Wally. Let's be sure to go with him and we all can set some off together.

Wally: I'm in a good mood, so I will agree to let you tag along but don't bring that goof Gilbert.

Oh he’ll be with us, all right……with socks on!

Wally: Well, he may be with YOU, but he won't be with US. Ya dig?

Gilbert: What are you guys doing? Digging for clams? Can I come?

Wally: Ya see, Beaver? Ya see what a nerd he is?

Beaver: Gee, how did I miss it? Gilbert really IS a total nerd.

Wally: A little goof will miss that his friend is a nerd.

Beaver: Wait...what?

Wally: Look, Beaver, you just said you missed it. You just now figured out he's a nerd? I've known it since he said he was practicing for the Olympics and that was two years ago.

Anyway, ditch 'im. I don't want him taggin' along.

Beaver: OK. I guess you're the boss of me. I'll drop Gilbert like a sack of potatoes.

Wally: That's better. I like the way that rolls out when you say it--"You're the boss of me."

Beaver: I guess it's okay to look up to my big brother sometimes.

Wally: Golly I'll have to store that one in my memory banks. That's the nicest thing you said to me since Eddie and I got into it and you told me later I'm a good basketball player. (pauses) Hey, wait a minute--I just remembered, you were hiding under the bed listening to every word Eddie and I said, weren't you?

Beaver: (sheepishly) No?

Wally: OK, I'm rememberin' now--I pulled you out. (pauses) Well, we're gettin' along pretty good here; I'm rememberin' somethin' Mom said awhile back, that we won't be together for very long, before we go our separate ways.

So, Beav, I'll try to be nicer. You may not know it, but it's not always easy bein' a teenager.

Beaver: I guess the closer you get to adulthood, the harder stuff gets?

Wally: You got it, Beaver. You and I are getting along better than Mom and Dad have been, lately.

Beaver: I think I'll develop a Peter Pan complex.

Wally: Never mind those complexes--just stay the Beaver we all know an' love. (pauses) Why'd I say that? I feel like Samantha put a spell on me...

Beaver: Samantha Who?

Wally: Oh, sorry, Beav, I've been to Madame Marooshka the crystal ball lady, and she saw her in the future. She's a TV witch, a year from now.

Beaver: Wow, a TV witch. Maybe she can get us our own TV show?

Wally: Unlike the witch whose dog you walked, she's young and beautiful--a good witch.

Beaver: Oh, like Glinda? I wonder what she could do for us? Maybe she would make Lumpy disappear?

Wally: Or Gilbert

Beaver: Not to be greedy, but what about Gilbert, Eddie, AND Lumpy?

Wally: Hey, you're ditching two of my friends. Pick one, or let me pick another one of yours. Like Richard.

Beaver: Okay, Eddie and Gilbert, deal?

Wally: You got it. We each ditched a do-do.

I'm glad I suggested Gilbert. I actually think Larry's a pretty good kid.

Beaver: Yeah, Larry is nice. My other friends are creeps.

Wally: Hmm, your friends are creeps, my friends are creeps. Dad's BF is Mr. Rutherford.

What's wrong with us Cleavers?

Beaver: We're Creep Magnets, the Cleavers! Oh, no!

(Eddie enters)

Eddie: Hey, Sam! (He walks over to Beaver, who's at the desk with a book open)

What's this? (looks over his shoulder) "Jane calls to Spot. See Spot run."

Wally: What're you doin' here?

Beaver: Hey, you Creep! You're cancelled! Get OUT!

Eddie (to Beaver): Hey, shrimp. I hear there's a farmer on the edge of town lookin' for a sheepdog. Why don't you go apply for the job? (to Wally) Hey, what's Junior here talkin' about? Who's he think he is, tellin' me to leave?

Wally (stands up): Leave 'im alone or I'll flatten your Roman nose!

Eddie: June! My June! Your boys are being crazy like they're in the Twilight Zone! Help me up here, Sugar!

(Ward enters)

Ward: "Sugar" has gone to the store. How would you like a trip to the Twilight Zone?

Wally: Yeah! What's this "Sugar" jazz?

Beaver: I'm so confused right now.

Eddie: Mr. Cleaver! Your lawn certainly looks nice.

Ward: There, Beaver--less confused now?