Beaver: Sure, I guess. But who is Sugar?

Ward: Eddie came over to return some sugar he borrowed for his mom, OK, boy? Isn't that right, Eddie (ahem)?

Eddie: Right you are, Mr. Cleaver. And I was just stopping up to say hello, guys. And I was so enjoying our conversation, Theodore.

Wally: :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

Eddie: Well, ta-ta, all. (he exits)

Ward: Now, boys, what do you want to do for the rest of the day? Your mother is still at the store, then she's going to meet Marge for shopping.

Beaver: Well, I hope she buys a lot of sugar so Eddie won't have to borrow any from us again. He's weird!

Ward: Well, you won't get any argument from me on that one, son.

Since your mother will be gone all afternoon, would you guys like to go over to the Chuckwagon and have some doggie burgers? Then we could go to Bellport and check out the Big Dipper.

Wally: I'm down!

Beaver: As long as it's just us here talkin', I'll tell ya, I'm a little scared of that Big Dipper.

Wally: But if you grin and bear it, you'll have bragging rights so buckle down and get 'er done, Beav. I'll hold your hand.

Beaver: I think I need another pep talk from Gus. I'll be back in awhile then we can go. I hope.

[you guys are something else]

Ward: June, please make about a dozen chopped egg sandwiches 🥪, with lots of that mayonnaise. You can add Brussels sprouts too.

[I don’t remember Eddie saying he had allergy to mayo. What episode?]

cd

A funny exchange occurs during this scene. June is inside making all the boys a sandwich. Eddie informed her he is allergic to mayonnaise and should not have any on his sandwich. Upon seeing Eddie shove Beaver, she spitefully adds mayo to Eddie’s sandwich. As the boys leave for the Dennisons, she even tells Wally to make certain Eddie gets his sandwich. This was humorous, but I could not help but hope Eddie’s allergic reaction was a mild one. There are some people who can be hospitalized or die should they eat a peanut or get stung by a bee.

https://litbreviewed.wordpress.com/2019/05/31/episode-22-the-perfect-father/

^June: Where's Eddie? I haven't seen him lately.

Wally: He's in the hospital. Allergic reaction to something.

June: (wicked giggle) Oh. I hope he's okay.

Wally: Yeah, I'm trying to ignore it all. Beaver and I made a pact to dump a few of each of our friends, and he wanted me to dump Eddie. And don't pretend to be sorry, Mom.

June: Oh, Wally. I never could trick you, could I? You always see right through me. Now the Beaver, he's easy to fool.

Wally: The Beaver acts more stupid than he really is. I'm kinda learning that lately.

June: I guess he's a sneaky one. I'll have to watch what I say around him now. He's growing up too fast. (sigh)

Love your postings! Very clever or should I say Cleaver?!

June: I guess he's a sneaky one. I'll have to watch what I say around him now. He's growing up too fast. (sigh)

^(LOL!)

Wally: You not only have to watch what you say, but you have to watch what he does. He's still the Beaver!

You know, Mom, there oughta be a TV show about the stuff he does--nobody would believe it!

Love your postings! Very clever or should I say Cleaver?!


:D

June: There should be an episode with the monkey. That monkey business was one for the books.

Wally: Oh, yeah. And remember the time he got you that horrible blouse for your birthday? And the time he went to Dad's attorney to get out of the modeling contract? Really, we could have all been on TV!

June: I could have been a star? Maybe I could have bought more sets of pearls. I've only got the one sad pair I wear ever single day of my life. (sniffs)

Wally: Yeah, Mom. I was listening at the door when you gave Beaver that jazz about being kind and not calling funny looking men names. By the time you were done he was kissy kissy and wanting to make up. I mean, it was an Emmy-winning performance. And he just sat there lapping it up. (pauses)

So, yeah, you could probably get some acting gig, and get enough money for three new sets of pearls. Maybe even a dishwasher besides me an' the Beaver.

June: A dishwasher! What could have been. (sigh) You and Beaver are okay but a real dishwasher would be Heaven in Mayfield.

Wally: Well you can still get one if you get an acting part. Maybe on one of the soap operas. You can wear your old pearls to cover the weird spot on your neck, just like you do around here when you're vacuuming.

June: Wally, what are you talking about? What weird spot on my neck?

Wally: Oh, uh, nothing. We all know you wear the pearls just because you like them.

June: Wally, you have a good eye. I do have a bit of a discoloration in that area on my neck. That's why I really need your father to buy me a thicker necklace of pearls.

Wally: Nobody notices. It's Beaver they notice, like when he tried to sandpaper off his freckles. Or when he climbed the soup bowl billboard.

June: How could Beaver be so stupid to think there would be real soup in a billboard? Is he really that gullible?

Wally: He just can't turn away from a dare. His goofy friends know just what to say to push his buttons.

(lowers his voice) And I pulled a fast one on him awhile ago. I got him to ditch that idiot, Gilbert.

June: Good. You did us all a favor. Gilbert seems like the type to grow up to murder his family.

Wally: Better them than us, right?

Beaver (enters): I heard some of that. (Wally looks surprised) Yeah, I haven't outgrown listenin'. Wally, you forgot to tell Mom about the friend YOU gave up.

Wally: I had to give up Eddie. Is he still in the hospital from ingesting mayonnaise?

June: Oh, how awful! Eddie has some problem with mayonnaise?

Wally: Mom, please. I know what you did. And I'm okay with it.

Beaver: Wow, this is sorta like watching Perry Mason! I even think I'm beginning to get it.

June: Yes, son, it sounds like you are.

Ward enters the room.

Ward: June, never go on Perry Mason. Perry will make you crack and confess. It's a family secret and it will remain that way.

June: Oh, stop it, Ward. He's just in the hospital, not the morgue.

And as far as Perry goes, he's got it all over you.

Ward: Raymond Burr is not really that good looking and he puts on a lot of weight in the future while I maintain my handsome slim physique. But have at it. And stop trying to murder Eddie. I don't want the good family name of Cleaver besmirched by your antics.

June: I'd say your future is an early grave. It's too bad for you because I already know I have an acting career to look forward to. The boys might be pretty good actors also, and we have such funny stories to tell, we'll probably have a sitcom say, sometime in the 1980s.

As far as Eddie goes, he just needed a little warning, a shot fired across his bow, as it were. I'm sure you couldn't care less about him, and really, he seems to have the hots for me--so you should be happy.

:lol:

Ward: Well! June, you are cold as ice. Early grave? Are you going to poison my sandwiches too? I'll just have your precious Wally taste everything first. By the way, June. You're not really all that. I could see Miss Landers becoming an actress, but not you. So keep yourself in line. I can do better.

June: Hah! Your eyes rove to Marlene the flirt, and they rove to that smokestack, Alice Landers. Mr. Brittingham saw the light and ran away from her, fast. Beaver can rest easy there, but now he thinks he has you to compete with.

And we are now calling a little mayo, "poison?" Ward, I think your sanity is drifting away in the summer breeze.

Ward: Smokestack? :rolleyes: Call her whatever you like, but she's got a fire in her oven. You've got ice in yours.

June: Satisfaction, as in, I can't get no. From you. And I doubt those two retreads can, either.

Ward: Now you're just being mean and heartless and crass. Get over yourself. I feel like switching wives with Fred!

June: Better mean than an overgrown sissy. And Madame Marooshka looked in her crystal ball and told me there is a program in the future called "Wife Swap." There is hope for both of us.

Ward: Sounds like a plan. I can't wait!

June: Yeah it sounds like a plan but by the time that rolls around, you'll be in the cold, cold ground.

Ward: I'll probably be happier because I'll be away from you! (storms out of the house)

June (mumbles): Good riddance.

Beaver (enters): Are you guys done with your fight?

June: Why don't you take a long walk on a short pier?

Beaver: I'm not going to talk to you for a whole month for saying that. Starting NOW! (storms out of the house)

June (mumbles): Two down.

Wally (enters): I'm going to the hospital to visit Eddie.

June: Wait, I'm coming with you.

Wally smirks. Are you going to bring him a sandwich, Mom? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. By the way, both Dad and the Beav ran out of here like the house was on fire. Did you anger them again? I know I'm your favorite.

June: You are my firstborn and you're my favorite. Those two who ran out are a couple of weenies.

I was thinking of bringing Eddie some peanuts, for a snack. We'll see how he does with those.

:rotflmao::rotflmao:^

Wally: Peanut Butter and Mayonnaise sandwiches would be overkill I suppose?

June: Yes, dear. Perhaps just a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, to start. Crunchy.

Wally: You're the greatest, Mom!

June: Would you make that sandwich, Wally? I think he'd appreciate it more if you gave it to him, and told him you made it.

I certainly hope it will make him feel better. I just bought some crunchy peanut butter; here (smiles and hands it to him).

Wally: I'll get right on that, Mom. Should I sprinkle some black pepper in there just to see if he'll sneeze? Just for an extra laugh before he kicks the bucket.

June: Good idea! Oh, and make the sandwich with whole wheat bread. Wheat is good for us (evil laugh).

Wally: I've got the best mom in the world. All the guys must be so jealous. Okay, I'll grab the whole wheat. And the pepper.

June: I'm so glad the hospital appreciates us bringing good food for Eddie.

Wally, did you ever learn anything about IVs?

Wally: Gosh, Mom, was I supposed to study that? I was busy in the library trying to pick up girls. Did I mess up?

June: No honey, just wondering. With all those lifeguard classes, I thought they might have touched on IVs in one of them.

Such a wonderful, life-saving device.

Wally: Really? You weren't thinking of putting liquid mayonnaise in Eddie's IV?

June: Hmm...maybe we ought to bring a jar of mayo along. You ARE your mother's son!

Wally: :)

June: You mentioned Beaver dumping Gilbert. I'll have to talk with him. (pause, evil smile)

I need to find out more about Gilbert.

Wally: I know Gilbert has a thing for Watermelon Pistachio Ice Cream. :)

June: You're such a sweet boy to think of that. We must ask him over for an ice cream social, tomorrow maybe?

We'll get him a gallon of it so he has enough to satisfy his craving. Does that sound about right?

June: Do you know if Gilbert is allergic to any fruit or nuts? We might have to substitute the watermelon or pistachio if he does. (wink, wink)

Wally: I think I heard him tell Beaver he was allergic to lactose in milk. It's one of those new allergies. (pauses) Wow, this would make any ice cream a problem! Poor baby!!

June: Oh we can tell him it's a brand new product called Lactose Free ice cream and let him test it.

Wally: He'll believe anything. (prepares to leave.) Im going to get some ice cream.

June: I wonder if Gilbert likes Grape Ice Cream? I don't know why I said that.

Wally: There's a thought, like a one-two punch; uh, I mean, funny, I was just wonderin' if he likes peanuts. As long as we have the crunchy peanut butter out, we could find out.

Hey, three strikes, you're out!

June: Peanut Butter ice cream is a good start. If he has an allergy to seafood, we could sprinkle a few tiny shrimps in there. He won't notice.

Wally: You know, if we play our cards right, we can get rid of all these thorns in our side.

You know who else bugs me? Mr. Rutherford. He went all to pieces just because some guy at Lumpy's party spilled Coke on the new carpet.

And he treats you like dirt, Mom.

June: Good thinking, my Favorite Son! Fred is dead. Let's get it done. Think!

Wally: Freddy's Dead, huh? Could be a song title.

June: Yes. The Deader the Better could be another song. Do you know anything about brake lines on cars?

Wally (grinning): Why, yes, I've picked up some knowledge along the way. Anybody we know need some brake work?

June: It might be a nice gesture of you to offer Fred to give him a free tune-up as a neighborly nod.

Wally: Ah, ol' four-eyes baldy. Yes, I could volunteer to tune up his Caddy. He'd probably be glad to have me do it, as opposed to the Lump.

I think Lumpy told me his dad's car needs brake fluid too. I could certainly top it off (winks). It's really bad to let the level get too low.

You know, while I'm over there, I could do some work on Lumpy's heap, too. You and I can take care of a lot of problems in this town.

June: We could be like Ma and Pa Barker only we'd be Ma and Son Cleaver. Has a nice ring to it!

Wally: I like the way t rolls out. "Ma and Son."

And the whole thing's a piece o' cake.

June: That Fred really gets on my last nerve. This is going to be fun.

Wally: I'm gonna go over to Mr. Rutherford's house now. You might give him a call to tell him. And, you know, sweet talk him a little.

June: Oh, good idea. I'll tell him what a pretty bald head he has and I wonder how he gets it so shiny.

Wally: You could tell him you'd like to come over and buff his head to a high gloss. While I drain -- uh, I mean fill -- his brake fluid reservoir.

June: Sounds like a plan. I'll just grab the Windex.

Wally: Windex, followed by Turtle Wax! I'd say LOL, but nobody'd know what I'm talking about.

Beaver (enters): OK, what are you two talking about? You're looking guiltier than a guy Perry just nailed in the courtroom.

June: Beaver, what are you talking about? Wally and I are not guilty. We are innocently talking about buffing your father's car with Turtle Wax. It's going to make the car glossy like a turtle's back.

Beaver: You know I'm always listenin'. You were like deer in headlights.

There's a lot more goin' on than Turtle Wax.

Wally: Look, you little squirt, clean the turtle wax out of your ears because you're hearing things.

June: I'm goin' out, guys. You can quibble to your heart's content (winks at Wally).

(later)

(June is at Eddie's hospital bedside)

Eddie (groggily): Really, June, I'm not hungry at the moment.

June: Eddie, honey, you have to eat (she's cooing, motherly). Poor baby. Try this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. (She leans over as if to force feed him.)

Eddie: Really, no! (they start to arm wrestle, with June still clutching the sandwich)

:happyface

Eddie: They said love hurts, but June Bug, WHY?

June: Eddie Bear, what are you talking about? Now, eat your sandwich like a good boy!

Eddie: Can I get a nurse in here?! NURSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??

(Nurse enters--a version of Nurse Ratchet): Use the call button next time, sonny!

Eddie: I ---

June (interrupts): This boy won't eat. It's a perfectly good sandwich. I'm worried about him.

Nurse Ratchet: EAT!!

Eddie: (sobbing) This is my worst nightmare! Mommy! Daddy! Anybody!

June: Nurse, you can see he's delirious.

Nurse: Yeah, I don't have time for 'im. I got a whole ward to see after.

June: I'm a licensed practical nurse. I'll administer a sedative, if it would help.

Nurse: It certainly would, honey. I have a hypo right here.

June: You can see he'll ned a large dose.

Eddie: :eek2::eek4::crying::eyes2:

June: There, there Eddie bear, lie back and relax. This sedative will help you sleep. You can have this sandwich later. Maybe.

Nurse: Honey, you're pretty good. He's calming down. He's had quite a case of food poisoning.

June: What a shame. (Nurse exits.) (June mutters) Shame this is taking so lomg.

:eek::lol:^

Wally enters the room.

Is he dead yet?

June (whispers): Keep your voice down. The nurse let me shoot him up with a sedative--probably an overdose--I told her I was a licensed nurse and she bought it--egad these people are stupid. If that doesn't do it, I still have the PB&J sandwich.

Have you been over to the Rutherfords' yet?

Wally: I have, but Lumpy took all my time begging me to set him up with some girl. These people have no lives. I'll try again tomorrow night. Yeah, these nurses around here are stupid. We can easily fool them. We better be careful though if Mr. and Mrs. Haskell show up.

June: I can deal with George Haskell. And Agnes isn't the brightest bulb in the string. Besides, why wouldn't they cooperate? Who wouldn't like to get rid of him?

And, yes, try again tomorrow night with skinhead. Maybe I can go with you. I'll run my fingers thru his chromedome, and you work on his brakes.

George Haskell walks into the room.

June: Georgie Boy! How are you?

George: Junie! What are you doing here?

(Agnes Haskell now enters) Agnes: Junie? What's up with that? And what's going on?

Eddie (groggily): Get....this...woman...out of here!!

June: Hi, Agnes. I hope your son gets well soon. We want him to get well. Wally and I have a previous engagement at the Rutherfords, we've got to get going.

Agnes: Wow, George, they're sure in a hurry.

Eddie (coughing): It's great to see you guys!

George: Another wow! I don't think he's said anything like that since he was five.

(meanwhile the scene shifts to the Rutherfords')

Lumpy answers the doorbell.

Lump: Oh, gee, Hi, Mrs. Cleaver and Wally. Can I help you?

June: Hello, Clarence--I'll bet you're watching Captain Kangaroo. If it wouldn't be too much trouble, could you get your daddy? I'd like to speak with him about something. Then you can go back to the latest on Mister Green Jeans.

Lumpy: Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I was right in the middle of Mister Green Jeans. But as luck would have it, Daddy's gone downtown to that Bald Men's Convention.

June: We forgot about that convention--we should have known he'd be there. We'll leave now and let you get back to the Captain.

Lumpy: Great--see ya! (slams door)

June: Strike two, Wally. Let's talk to the Beaver and get him to invite Gilbert over. Now what can we do to--uh, for--him?

Wally: Gilbert loves pistachio ice cream so we need to get some of that and taint it with something. Any ideas?

June: This is a tough one. We're not doing too well.

Beaver (enters): Now what are you two cooking up?

Wally: Hey, Beave, Mom is cooking up your favorite, Brussels Sprouts Casserole. Would you like to help? And after you do that, can you ask Gilbert to come over? I wanted to talk to him for a second.

Beaver: Yeah, I can do that. I haven't dumped him yet. Hold the cassrole, thoigh

June: Maybe we can help you wiht Gilbert, honey.

Beaver: If you promise never to make Brussels Sprouts Casserole again, I will do anything you guys want me to do.

June (exchanges glances with Wally): Hmm. Really? Deal!

Ward (enters): You boys, please go upstairs. (they exit) June, Fred tells me you and Wally were looking for him when he wasn't home. Why?

June: Oh, Ward. Honestly. (rolls eyes) We were going to ask him to help us plan a surprise party for your birthday but now it's ruined. Fred is so dense.

Ward: Hmm. I'll be in the den, watching Bonanza. It's in color-we need a color TV. (exits)

(the boys re-enter) June: Beaver, remember your promise. My end is no more sprouts in any form.

(directed to Wally) Well, we're up the blankety-blank creek, if you heard that. Fred is out. (to Beaver) Now, honey, can you ask Gilbert over? We'll help you, as Wally would say, ditch him. For good.

Beaver enters with Gilbert.

Gilbert: Hiya, Mrs. Cleaver. Hiya, Wally. Did you guys want me for something?

June (cups her hand, aside to Wally): It's kinda hard when they're nice.

Wally: Hey, Gilbert. I see you brought your electric trains again. Figures.

Beaver: Gilbert, you're 14 now, too, right? We're both a little old for that stuff.

Gilbert: So I still play with electric trains. So kill me why don't ya?

June: Uh - ya. Beaver, leave the poor boy alone.

Gilbert, how about some pistachio ice cream? After which, you could take a little nap. (Wally gets the ice cream while June gets the hypo she swiped from the hospital.)

Gilbert: Oh, that is my very favorite flavor! After I take a nap, can we play with the trains?

June: Of course dear. Now eat, like a good boy.

Wally: Hey, Mom, have you heard about Eddie? He woke up not remembering anything of the past few days.

June: Oh, about that. I injected him with something to dull his memory. He won't recall what we tried to do. It's all good.

Wally: Oh, that's good. But unfortunately, he's still around.

June (notices Gilbert is finished): You liked your ice cream, didn't you, hon? (Gilbert nods) Why don't you take a nap on the couch? You look tired.

Gilbert (yawns): Yes ma'am, I am. (He heads to the living room)

Wally: Well, what happened?

June: I drained the rest of the sedative hypo into his partially-melted ice cream. We'll see what it does.

Wally: Egad, you're good!

Ward (enters): Why is Gilbert snoring on our couch?

June: Oh, he's still alive?; uh, I mean, he got tired after some ice cream.

Oh, he's still alive? :lol:

Wally: Hey, Beav, can you give us a minute? I have to talk to Mom in private. (Beaver leaves the room.)

Wally: Mom, we will have to think of a way to get to Eddie again. And also, I think it's great you're being cold as ice, but we can't have Gilbert dying on our couch. The police might think we were involved. Let's take him out into the alley.

June: Better yet, let's take him home. Then they'll blame the Bateses; I think they're out right now and he'll be alone. Ah, I just love this stuff! Everybody thinks I'm such a nice housewife.

Beaver! (He re-enters) Be a good boy and take Gilbert home. If you can't get him walking, you might have to get your old wagon and pull him in it. Or the doll carriage Penny gave you. (He exits.)

Now, Wally, do you have any ideas on what to do about Eddie? Maybe a machete... Or how about an overdose of opium? I have some paregoric in the medicine cabinet.

Wally giggles. Mom, you're the best. You don't think a machete and opium would be overkill though?

June: Overkill! Giggle! OK, here's something subtle--how about you getting some item of Eddie's clothing, and we'll put a piece of it on a Raggedy Ann doll, and use the Beaver's voodoo idea? It worked for him.

We'll just give him some aches and pains by using the needles. Keep those doctors wondering. Ooh, I'm bad!

I'll have to ask Beaver how Gilbert is doing, too.

^ LOL

Wally: I'm on it. I'll go over to Eddie's now. See you later, Mom.

June answers the ringing phone. Hello? What is Gilbert saying? The ice cream I gave him tasted funny? Maybe he has some bad taste buds. Our ice cream is just fine, Mrs. Bates. (June hangs up angrily.)

June (mumbles to herself): Stupid witch. I'm gonna get that burro back and send it over to their yard.

(Beaver enters)

June: Honey, would you do me a favor? I need a Raggedy Ann doll--would you go over to the Woods' and see if Penny has one? Better take a paper bag with you.

Beaver: Okay. Good idea on the bag; I'd have never thought of it. (He exits.)

June (mumbles again): Figures. What a ding-a-ling.

Beaver (outside, also mumbles): Now what? Why does she want a doll? What a ding-a-ling.

Beaver knocks on Penny's door.

Penny: Can I help you?

Beaver: My mother wants to borrow your doll. The raggedy one. Don't ask questions. If I do everything my mother says, I won't have to eat Brussels Sprouts. So get it for me.

Penny: It's lucky for you we're a little older now; last year, I'd have slammed the door in your face.

I do have questions, but, I'll resist the urge to ask them. (pauses) Wait a minute. I still have one, up on my closet shelf. (goes out, comes back) OK, here it is, but there is one condition.

Beaver: OK, what?

Penny: Come in the kitchen, and let me warm up some leftover Brussels Sprouts for you.

Beaver: Penny, if you don't let me leave right now, I'm gonna lose my lunch right on your living room rug. Now shove that doll in this bag!

Penny: Gosh, Beaver, if you weren't such a meanie, I'd have hollowed out the Brussels Sprouts, filled them with marshmallow creme and dipped them in chocolate for you. But you blew it. Take the doll and scram. By the way, is your mother going through her second childhood?

Beaver: Well, I can see why you'd think that, but I don't think so. But she's sure going through something--I just haven't figured out what, yet.

(Beaver arrives back at the house; June and Wally are conversing)

Beaver: Here's the doll, Mom. What're you gonna do with it?

June: Well, honey... (Beaver interrupts)

Beaver: What's all this honey and dear jazz lately?

June: Nothing, baby... (he interrupts again)

Beaver: And baby.

June: Words of affection, dear... (third time)

Beaver: I told you I'd do anything if you didn't force-feed me Brussels Sprouts. I just had a close call with them over at Penny's. Do me a favor and cut the honey and dear stuff.

June: Whatever you say, Beav. When you were small, remember you did a voodoo thing on Eddie? We're gonna try it again.

Beaver: On Eddie? I'm in.

Wally enters.

Wally: Hey, Mom! Hey, Beav! Look at this! I got a whole sock of Eddie's. He won't miss it since he's always losing socks in the dryer. (laughs) How do we put it on the doll?

Beaver: Stick it on his head like a beanie. Then get me a hat pin from your dresser, June.

June: June? (aside) What's happened to this kid?

LOL^

June: Okay, Teddy Bear. Where should we stick it, in his eye?

Beaver: I'd start with his stomach. Worked for me!

June: Oh, good thinking, Teddy. He'll think he's having more tummy ache troubles like with the mayonnaise.

Beaver: Teddy? Anyway, so you gave him mayonnaise?

June (grinning): Yes. And I'm gonna leave the voodoo to you you. Let's put him back in the hospital.

Beaver mumbling to himself: Dang, this woman is a psycho. But I need to play along to avoid those bitter Brussels Sprouts. To June: Oh, sure, Mom. Whatever you say.

June: We'll soon know how it's going with Eddie. Wally, I'm depending on you to find out, (puts on a sad face) if, you know, he's unfortunately in the hospital again. If that should happen, maybe we can pay him another visit.

Beaver (mumbles again): Dang, Jekyll and Hyde. First she says we'll put him in the hospital, then she gets all sad about it. (Normal voice) Oh, right, Mom. I'm going upstairs now. (Takes the doll.)

June: Don't forget the hatpin, Teddy.

Beaver mumbling to himself, as he retrieves the hat pin: What have I gotten myself into with this witch? She's my mom, so I still love her. But who knew she had an evil streak? She could stick pins in me too if I'm not careful so I'll play along.

Beaver to June: Here is the hat pin, Mom. It's good and sharp! (strained smile)

June: As you're sticking that pin in his tummy, just remember all the nasty things he's done, like putting gum in your hair. (smiles) You know you can't stand him!

Beaver: You're right, Mom. He is a bad boy. I could start to like this a little maybe. I guess if I keep hanging around you long enough, I could be scary too!

June: Thats right, dear. We'll straighten you out.

Now be a good boy and start working with that hatpin. Take a stab at it, tee-hee!

Beaver inserts the pin straight into the doll's tummy area. Ten minutes later, Wally comes storming in.

Wally: Wow! Eddie is in agony! He said it felt like somebody is sticking him in the stomach with a long blade!

Beaver: Get me another needle someplace--this is fun. (pause) Did I say that?

You know, Wally, I feel like I'm under some spell or something to do this. I hate those sprouts, but I don't know--this is weird.

Wally: I know, Beav. It was weird for me too when Mom brought me into her schemes and her mindset. But eventually I just said, the heck with it. And now I sort of like it. Are you going to use a safety pin next or a sewing needle?

Beaver: I was thinking about a roofing nail, but I'm wondering--that might be going too far.
Maybe a sewing needle in the back.

^ LOL

Wally: Go for it, Beav! I'll go over to see how Eddie is feeling. Wait for another half hour so I can see how he feels now compared to how he feels then when you do it. Ok? Thanks, Bro. Eddie deserves this!

Beaver: Well, OK. If he's screaming too loud or bending over in agony, it might get to you. A little.

(a little later...Wally is at Eddie's)

Wally: How are ya doin'?

Eddie: Man, this stomach, it's worse than when I was in the hospital. It's in one spot; it's so weird.

AAAAAAHHHHHHH! My back! MOMMY!!!!

Mrs. Haskell: Honey, I'll call the doctor and tell him to get over here right away. Wally, do you have any idea what could be causing Eddie's suffering?

Wally: Uh----no, Agnes.

Mrs. Haskell: Agnes? ... I'll sit here with you for awhile, Edward--I've called the doctor. As usual, dinner is cooking itself in the kitchen and needs no assistance from me.

Eddie: Thanks, Mom. Between my stomach and my back, I don't know which is worse. All I need now is a pain in the side.

Wally (mumbles): Hmm...there's an idea.

Agnes: Did you say something, Wallace?

Wally: Wallace? (rolls eyes and leaves) Nope! Catch you later, Edward! Get well soon!

Agnes: (mumbles, after Wally leaves) Well, he should be happy. I used to call him "that Cleaver boy."

Wally (who has arrived home): Hey, Beav! Eddie said something that gave me an idea. Change one of the needles over to his side. They'll think he's going nuts or he's a hypochondriac.

Beaver: Hypo-what?

Wally: Stick the pin in his side. Any side. Pick a side. I'll explain what hypo means later.

Ward enters.

Ward: What are you boys up to? I came home early today. Anything interesting going on here?

(Beaver hides the doll.)

Beaver: Nothin', Dad. Nothin' at all.

Ward: Fine. I like things nice and calm and peaceful at home. How is Gilbert feeling these days, Beaver?

Beaver: Good question, Dad. I haven't seen him for a few days, but last time I saw him, he wasn't feeling too good.

Ward: Too well, Beaver.

Beaver: Too well what?

Ward: Never mind, son. And Wally, I haven't seen Eddie for awhile. Not ocmplaining, just an observation.

Wally: He's not feeling too good, either. I think something's going around.

Ward: Too well, son.

Wally: Too well what, Dad?

Ward: Are you two colluding? I think I'll go downstairs now, and say hello to your mother.

Wally: She's acting a little strange, Dad.

Ward: What else is new? (He exits)

Beaver: I wasn't following Dad at all, Wally. Colluding? Maybe he thinks we're not brushing our teeth? I think I need to get Websters.

Wally: He kept saying, "too well." I wasn't with him, either. Anyway, get the doll out and do something creative. And I think I need to help you with Gilbert. We need to talk to Mom and get some ideas.

Beaver: I'm sort of already tired of sticking Eddie. I think I'll try something else, maybe a bit more interesting. I'll light a match under his feet!

Wally: Brilliant, Bro!

(Scene shifts to Haskell house)

Eddie: AGNES!! My feet are burning up!

Agnes: Agnes? (pause) First your tummy, then your back, side, and NOW your feet? You don't need a doctor, you need a psycho ward.

(Meanwhile back at the Cleaver house)

Beaver: Hey, Wally, would you get me an ice tray? I think now I'll freeze his fingers. They'll probably have him committed.

Wally: Brilliant, just brilliant. I never knew you had it in you.

Beaver: I'm still felling a little funny about it all. I think I need a dose of Mom's evil.

June enters. June: You rang? Here I am, Teddy Bear. You're making me so proud to be your mother!

Beaver: Well timed, mommy dearest. I've got Eddie writhing, but I need help to deal with Gilbert.

June: How about smooshing the doll's face into a gallon of ice cream and holding it there for 15 seconds? It's unusual but how about it?

Beaver: Perfect, June! Will you go over and visit Mrs. Bates? Somehow we need to get something he wears.

It'd also be great to have another doll. Maybe Uncle Artie has a real one.

June: Gosh, in all of my excitement, I forgot we'd need another doll for Gilbert. I will dash over to the Bates' and see what I can scrounge up over there.

(Before June leaves, Agnes Haskell bursts in)

Agnes: June Cleaver, just what is going on over here? My son is in agony, but managed to remind me of Theodore's voodoo doll from a few years ago--after all the boys saw Voodoo Curse.

Then George reminded me that the types of things that are happening to Eddie are similar to what happened to him then. So, explain, June Cleaver!

June: Calm down, Agnes. I will not allow you to accuse me of doing anything bad in my own house. Are you actually trying to imply my son is hurting Eddie by using a voodoo doll? (laughs maniacally) You can't be serious! What have you been drinking?

Agnes: You haven't heard the last of this, Mrs. Cleaver. I'm now headed to the Police station to report all of this.

(Ward comes in) Ward: What's going on, Aggie?

Agnes: Aggie? (pause) You better find out what your wife is up to, Ward Cleaver! There's some funny goings-on here, and my son is in severe pain. (Leaves in a huff)

Ward: June, what's she talking about?

June bats her eyelashes and clutches her pearls.

June: I have no idea, Ward! Honestly, the woman is bat---- crazy! She said the Beaver is using a voodoo doll to hurt Eddie! Our little boy would never hurt another living creature that way! I'm so upset. (sobs)

(she rests her head on Ward's shoulder) Ward: There, there, dear. She's grasping at straws. (as she whimpers she has the evil smile.) I'm going down to the drug store and get some lighter fluid. (He leaves.)

June: Good. Get outta here.

(Wally enters.) Wally: I was waiting til Dad left. Eddie's worse.

June: You better check on the Beaver. We don't want to kill him. (pause) Do we?

^LOL

Wally: I would, really, but with that nutball Agnes suspecting us, we might want to lay low for a few. I'll tell Beaver to just do something less painful to Eddie for today. Like you know, pull his thumbs and stuff.

June: OK, let's regroup. I snagged a pair of Gilbert's Keds when I was over at the Bateses. Now, Wally, can you go over to Uncle Artie's and see if he has another doll of some kind? Since Beaver is working on Eddie, maybe you can work on Gilbert.

Also since we have shoes maybe we can gert some action if you put some thumbtacks in the Keds. Then when he walks.... Or tries to. Ooh! I'm good! Once this starts I'll have to visit again, and marvel at my work.

Wally: Where would Uncle Artie have a doll? I'm afraid to ask, but would it be in his bedroom? (shudders)

That crazy Agnes is out of her mind. We might have to get a third doll lined up for that nutbar. I'll see if Artie has two dolls.

June: Oh, Wally, whatever the name of that magic shop is. Where Beaver and Larry went when they were younger. Uncle - somebody. Find out from Beaver. Anyway just tell Uncle Artie or whatever-his-name-is that you're working on a school project and need some sort of magic dolls; just don't say voodoo; we're already walking a fine line. If he doesn't have anything, go to the toy store and get any kind of dolls. Barbie, Ken, anything. Maybe they'd have some more Raggedy Anns.

(she sounds more and more maniacal) Ooh I just love planning all this out! Doing dishes vs. doing this? WOW--I love it!

Wally: You're hilarious, Mom. I love it too! I'm going to see if I can get a Raggedy Agnes Doll, get it? (dastardly chuckle)

June: You know, she busts in here, as though we'd done something wrong! Yes, I like that, too.

Beaver: Hey, Mom! Guess what? I tugged on Eddie's thumbs and then called to ask how he was doing. His father said he was feeling better other than having sore thumbs. (giggles) Where is Wally going?

June: Good one, Beav! Wally's going after a doll or two. Get it?

Beaver: (laughing uncontrollably) Yes, I get it. Who is the other doll for this time?

June: What do you think of Fred Rutherford, honey? I can't stand him! (deepens her voice) "Is the Lord of the Manor home?" Ugh!

I wouldn't mind giving him a pain in the back, or lower.

Beaver: The Lord of the Manor, ha! He asked me and Wally what we boys were up to recently and we said nothing. He bought it! What a block of wood that one is. He's good as a bread winner though. That gives us time to do the needful. If we do a doll for Fred, I'll give the doll a buzz cut.

June: Let's see what Wally finds at the toy store. And you can do what you want to Fred.

Beaver: I can't stand Lumpy either. And we'll have to get some clothes at the Rutherfords.

June: How are you doing with Gilbert?

Beaver: I'm pulling on his hair. It's driving him nuts!

June: Good boy! If you stick a wad of gum in the hair, will he feel it? I'm not sure how voodoo works.

Beaver: We could try it and I could check over there. The good thing is he's had some annoying things happen, but not enough to suspect anything. Just enough to make life slightly miserable.

June: Perfect! I love it! If we aimed a hair dryer at his forehead, would he think he had a fever?

Beaver: Oh, boy, I'm going to try that next! I was thinking after that I'll put his doll in the freezer for about 3 minutes to see how cold he gets!

June: I feel like a kid again, this is so much fun! A fever, then the chills, and normal.

[A knock on the door is heard.]

June: May I help you, Officer?
Policeman: Are you Mrs. Cleaver?
June: Yes, I am. How may I assist you?
Policeman: Agnes Haskell has asked me to present you with a restraining order. You are to stay away from the Haskells, and that goes for your family too. Is that clear?

June (putting on her best fake smile): Why, I certainly don't know what's going on, but it is clear. Would you like to come in and have a cup of coffee?

The officer sits down to rest. June goes to have a chat with Wally while she makes coffee in the kitchen. She tells Wally to get some of that potion that made Eddie have memory loss and put it in the coffee and serve the officer. Wally goes to get the stuff and June returns to the officer.

So, Officer ____ what was your name, Sir? Oh, Brian? What a lovely name. I've always loved the name Brian. It reminds me of briar patches and berries. The coffee is brewing and will be done shortly. Please relax. You know, that Agnes woman is high strung. She drinks in the morning. She puts bourbon in her tea. She's not well, poor thing. She hallucinates, too.

^LOL!

Brian: Yes, she seemed kind of strange. And then she talks of strange goings-on here. But it seems perfectly normal to me. I make allowances, though, because evidently her son isn't doing too well, either.

June: Yes, the family is having some troubles (she puts on her sad face.) I don't blame her for grasping at straws, as it were. (Wally arrives with the "coffee.") Oh, Officer Brian, here is your coffee. (she serves it to him.)

Brian: This is the best coffee I've ever had. Do you put something special in this, Mrs. Cleaver?

June and Wally try to hide their amusement.

Wally: Making excellent coffee is just one of my mother's many talents, Officer.

Brian: It's so interesting that it's coffee and yet it's so relaxing.

June: If you'd like to take a little nappy, the couch is right there.

Brian: You know, that sounds good. (He lies down.) I'm certainly glad I came over. But I can't for the life of me remember why I even came.

June: That's good dear. Just relax, now.

Wally: So, Mom, what is the plan here?

June: I thought that you could go out to the police car. He didn't give me the restraining order so he must have left it in the car. Go put it under his seat and that way I can act like he never gave it to me and one day when they clean out his car they'll know I'm not lying. And just maybe Brian will get reprimanded. The nerve, coming over to give me a restraining order! (pouts and clutches her pearls)

Wally: I'm glad I'm on your side!

June: He'll sleep for awhile, then just leave. Now you better get out there before he wakes up.

(She regains her composure and takes on an evil look.) And I'll get that Agnes Haskell if it's the last thing I do. Forget Eddie--well, we'll let up on him.

When you come back in find the Beaver. We need to alter plans. (He starts to go outside. She adds as he goes) Test him. If he's wavering, tell him I'll force feed him some Brussels Sprouts.

We can get Eddie on our side and use him. He hates his parents.

Wally: I'm in awe of you, Mom. Truly I am. I will get right on those things. You are a mastermind.

Brian: Hey, what time is it?

Wally: You took a bit of a cat nap.

Brian: Did I do what I came here for? I can't seem to recall what that is.

Wally: You sure did. You sold us some tickets to the policeman's ball and we bought them. We'll be there with bells on. Thank you, Officer. Have a nice day.

Brian: Well, I was doing that, on and off today. Thanks for the use of the couch and (seeing the empty coffee cup) and the coffee. Hope you enjoy the ball. (He exits.)

June: Good riddance! Now, Wally, all hands on deck for getting Agnes. I wanna nail that bee-ach good. Step one, Wally--enlisting Eddie's help. Gradually--we have to be really careful. By no means should we go over there--sooner or later the cops will be onto that missing order. No more voodoo on Eddie. Then he eventually talks to you, not the other way around. (she softens). Take it from there, honey. What next?

Wally: I'm going to have to do some brain storming to come up with some good ideas about how to nail that old nag. She has some nerve getting the police involved. We could try to inject something into her toothpaste or eye drops or something but we can't chance going over there. Do you think Eddie would be game? Or is that too risky?

June: Yes, we really have to be careful. See if you can get him to come over here, by hinting. We don't want to be accused of violating that order once the cops get their act together. Then we get him talking about his parents, and Agnes in particular.

OOOHHH! This is so fun. We'll probably be able to get her good. Remember, Wally, slow and easy.

Wally: Okay, I'm going to go downtown and see if I can find Eddie. He's probably loitering down there so he doesn't have to go home. I'll drop several hints that even that dumb guy can't miss. Oh, Mom, can I have 5 dollars? I might have to butter Eddie up by buying him an ice cream or something.

June: Buy him a tuna salad, which of course has mayonnaise. Just kidding, of course. We need him, now.

I also need to talk to Beaver. I've gotta get him to be an Eddie fan, which won't be easy.

Oh, here's your five. (Wally moves to leave.)

One other thing, Wally. Between golf, cards, and working over, your father hasn't been home much lately. That's a good thing, of course. But we have to be very careful with him--he's smart, and might pick up on too much. Just another challenge for us.

Wally: Ha! When you said tuna sandwich, I got kind of freaked out. I'm glad you were only joking. I'll bet Eddie will never eat another sandwich in his life. He's traumatized. Okay, well, I will be careful around Dad. He is pretty smart. I guess he learned a thing or two being in those Seabees, huh?

(scene shifts to June talking to Beaver)

June: Beaver, honey, I need to talk to you about the Haskells.

Beaver: Back to honey, again.

June: You have been so helpful to me, I know I can never fully repay you. However, I'm going to try. (she waves two twenties; Beaver salivates) All you have to do is cooperate and help.

Beaver: You mentioned the Haskells.

June: Yes, dear. (her tone changes and the evil grin returns) You weren't around but that witch Agnes Haskell sent the cops over with an order to keep us away from them.

Beaver: We gotta get that witch!

June: Oh you're wonderful (she hugs him) Absolutely! But we NEED Eddie to help us, because we think he hates his parents.

Beaver: I'll help you. And you're gonna gimme that money if I do, right?

June: Right!

Beaver: Deal!

Wally catches up to Eddie downtown.

Wally: Hey, Eddie! How are you?

Eddie: Hey, Gertrude! I'm hanging in I guess.

Wally: Would you like to go get ice cream cones and hang out?

Eddie: Sure would. Thanks. You know, Wally, it's so strange the way I've been feeling lately. I would feel really hot and then I'd feel like somebody locked me in a meat locker and I'd be freezing. It must be some exotic bug that flew over from the Canary Islands or something, huh?

Wally: Sure, Eddie. A bug who flew over from some exotic island. It happens. (snickers to himself)

(At the ice cream parlor)

Wally: So, I haven't talked to you in awhile. How's things at home?

Eddie: My dad's been busy at the garage; business is booming. But my mom is driving me nuts. She thinks I'm imagining all that stuff I told you about. I'd really like to fix her good.

Wally: Really?

Eddie: Yeah. With all I been through, hospital, weird illness, she doesn't believe me.

(they talk about other things for awhile)

Wally: Well, maybe we can double date this weekend.

Eddie: Yep. I'll call ya or stop by.

Wally: Yeah, stop by if ya feel like it. Dad isn't around much, but Mom misses seeing you.

Eddie: Really?

Wally: Sure, my mother can't stop talking about you. She feels so bad about what you've been going through. She is worried sick for you. She even said you were like a third son to her. She was even crying and stuff.

Eddie: Wow, she said that? And she cried about me? I'm truly touched, my man. Hey maybe I'll stop by tomorrow and I can see your mom, and you.

Wally: That'd be great. I'm glad my mother cares about you. I know she'll love to see you.

(Later, Wally and June chat.)

Wally: Eddie'll be over tomorrow. Get out your acting lessons. He's convinced you really care. Also, he's not on speaking terms with Agnes--good thing.

June: Yes, I care--I want to take care of that mother of his. She'll rue the day.

Wally: Maybe this is a dumb idea, but I thought we'd start off with something kind of easy for Eddie to do. Like he could pour black pepper in the dinner Agnes serves and then be shocked at what a horrible cook she is. Is that dumb?

June: Have confidence, boy! That's a good idea--start slow, innocent stuff. But even with that, we'd have to approach it carefully. We have to find some way to plant the seed, and he sprouts it on his own. To where he'd THINK it was his idea.

And due to those cops, as things progress, not only does he have to think it's his idea, but there's evidence to back that up. Know what I mean?

Wally: I do need more confidence. You're just so good at this stuff. Well, we'd better just let Eddie do the talking and see what he has to say about Agnes. Maybe we just encourage him, give subtle hints to get him to realize he should mess with her. I'll probably let you do most of the talking. You're just so good at this stuff. And I told him you think of him as your third son, so milk that too.

June: Nice touch--third son. How touching-ha ha. We'll play him like a violin when he comes over.

I'll fix that cow, but good.

[The doorbell rings.]

June: Eddie! My Eddie! It's wonderful to see you out and about after you'd been ill.

Eddie: Thank you, Mrs. Cleaver. My mother isn't half as nice and concerned about my illness as you are. Can you believe that witch, er, that woman, thought I was faking?

June (extended hug for Eddie): There, there, Eddie bear. As long as you're feeling better now, that's the important thing.

Beaver and Wally (mutter, in unison): Eddie bear?

Eddie (showing a few tears): Pardon me, I'm a little teary-eyed. Not like me at all.

June: Quite all right. We understand (turning to her boys), don't we, boys?

Beaver: We sure do, Mom! Wally: Right!

(they sit down and converse for awhile)

June: Come over anytime. It's so nice to see you again!

Eddie: I'm overwhelmed. What a difference between here and home.

June: It surprises me when you say your mother isn't concerned. We certainly were. And we Cleavers know you would never fake an illness.

Eddie: No, I wouldn't. I'd sure like to teach my mother a thing or two.

June: Really?

Eddie: Yes, I would really like to teach her a lesson. What could I do though? I feel so helpless and she makes me feel so small. She doesn't build up my confidence the way you do, Mrs. Cleaver.

June: Well, let's all put our thinking caps on. It's really too bad you're treated that way.

Eddie: Could I move in here?

June: Now, Eddie, let's not get carried away. You are still a minor and your parents have the final say in where you live. Agnes is not a fan of mine and there is no way she would let you bunk with my other boys. (smiles sweetly)

Wally: Yeah, Eddie, sorry. I wish we could bunk together. But let's decide what you could do to get back at your mean mother. What does she like? Does she use a special kind of soap or toothpaste? I was thinking it would be funny sometime as a joke to put something spicy or peppery in somebody's lotion or something. Just a thought, maybe I could try that someday on someone that's mean to us.

Eddie: Now you're talkin', Gertrude! (pause) Oh, sorry, Mrs. Cleaver. Oh, and Mrs. Cleaver, I know my mother seems to have a problem with you, but I don't know why. You are like a sunshiny day and she is like a dark and stormy night. (directs to Wally) Well, Sam, lets get together tomorrow. I'm likin' the way you're thinkin'. (he leaves)

June: That was risky, Wally, but it seems to have worked like a charm. Baby steps. We'll take care of her.

Wally: Yes, Eddie seems to be heading in the right direction. I think it would be funny if he put something hot or bad tasting in something like her coffee or maybe in her eggs at breakfast. I'm not too good at this though. Maybe you'll think of something better or maybe Eddie himself will get a good idea.

(Ward enters) Ward: So what's this all about? How are you two involved with Eddie?

June: Hello, Dear! Oh, our poor Edward has been sulking around here complaining about how his mother doesn't love him enough. He probably should see a shrink. Could you refer him to one?

Ward: I'll ask Fred. He sees one.

We sure don't want Eddie around here more than he normally is.

June: Eddie is like he is because of his mother.

Ward: What do you know about it? We're not close to Agnes and George.

(June tries to recover.) Well, Eddie's opened up enough that I'm beginning to beiieve him.

Ward (as he's leaving): Don't get yourself too wrapped up in their problems.

June (mutters): Oh, go on to the salt mines and quit issuing orders.

Wally: Do you think Dad's getting suspicious?

June: Oh, he thinks he's so smart. He doesn't know anything and I want to keep it that way. I had a momentary lapse awhile ago, but I think I threw him off the scent.

Tomorrow see if you can find out whether Eddie took the hint and did some gaslighting over there. I'd love it if there was a way to get him to bring us something she wears.

Wally is up in Eddie's room the next day.

Wally: Hey, Eddie, you know what would be a funny trick? To put itching power on somebody's clothes. What a hoot, right?

Eddie: Hey, Sam! That's IT! Let me get a blouse of my mother's and then we'll go to your house and ask Mrs. C. where to buy itching powder. That witch is in the kitchen making some disgusting meatloaf so I can grab her favorite blouse from her closet and we'll go.

Meanwhile back at the Cleaver house: Eddie and Wally walk in the kitchen, and Eddie has the blouse.

Wally: Mom, Eddie has this neat idea about itching powder on his Mom's blouse.

June: Well, Eddie...

(there's a knock on the door)

June: Get that, Wally, would you?

Eddie: I'll be glad to answer the door, Mrs. Cleaver.

June: Thank you, Eddie.

Sgt: This is the Cleaver residence, correct? (June nods) I'm Sgt. Medford of the Mayfield Police (he flashes his ID). We have a phoned in complaint from an Agnes Haskell, that multiple members of the Cleaver family are violating a restraining order, which prohibits the Cleavers from contacting any members of the Haskell family.

June: Come in, Sergeant. (Eddie is gaping in disbelief.)

June: Please have a seat, Officer. Can I get you an iced tea or lemonade? It's pretty hot out there today.
Officer: I would love a glass of lemonade, thank you kindly.
June pours him a glass and says, So what is this about Agnes Haskell?
Officer: She said she filed a restraining order for your family to stay away from her family and it's being violated.
June: I don't even know what a retraining order is, oh, a restraining order? I never got one of those, was it mailed? (looks innocent)
Officer: It should have been delivered to you recently in person by another officer.
June: No, we haven't had any visits from the police department....
Wally: Oh, Mom, actually we did. Remember that nice policeman who sold us tickets to the policeman's ball? But he didn't give us any official papers and certainly not something about the Haskells.
Officer: He sold you tickets to the ball?
Wally: Yes, it should be in your records. We'll all be there. We love the police.
Officer: So you never received a restraining order?
June: No, sir. What is this about?
Officer: Mrs. Haskell said she wanted you to stay away from her family.
Eddie: Officer, I'm Eddie Haskell, and I never heard anything about it. Wally is my best friend. Why would my mother try to prevent us from hanging out? I hate to say this out loud, but my mother has a drinking problem. She puts bourbon in her tea. Its' rather upsetting. I wonder if she passed out and dreamed something which never occurred?
Officer gets up from the table and says, Thank you for the lemonade, Mrs. Cleaver. It was nice to meet you and your son, and you too, Eddie. I feel there has been a mix up and I will try to find out what happened. Don't let any of this worry you.

June: Eddie, this is going to sound like a radical change in tone, but you've witnessed the fact that your mother needs to be stopped.

Eddie: I'll be leaving now. I'm not sure where I'm going, but not home. I gotta think about all this. (he exits.)

June: How could this have worked out any better? I can't think how.

Wally: I think we're to the point where we can bring him in. Plus now we have her blouse.

June: And that cop! He sees Eddie at OUR house! They may haul Agnes to the Mayfield Psychiatric Hospital.

Wally laughs.

Wally: This really could not have gone better if we had planned it. Do you know anything about itching powder? We were going to put some on her blouse. Is that even a thing?

June: Put it on the doll and give it a shot--we'll need some itching powder--have Beaver try Uncle Artie's shop again.

And give her a shot to the chin for good measure.

Wally: Gladly.

June: Also I think we're done with having to worry about the cops. They think Agnes is looney tunes now.

Scene shifts to later the next day, Beaver enters the kitchen.

Beaver: Hey, Mom, I got that itchy powder you asked for. I guess they sell it as a sort of gag gift so here it is. How do we do this? We sprinkle it on her shirt?

June: Beaver, you are a doll! Not a voodoo doll, but a living doll. Ha! Now, let's go heavy on the underarm area so it will drive her mad! (cackles)

(Beaver chuckles.) Beaver: I'm thinking of her scratchin'. I think I'll put some so it hits high on her stomach. Ya dig?

June: I dig! (she kisses him.)

Wally and Eddie enter.

Hey, what's happening? Did you get the powder to make the witch itch?

June: Yes, Eddie dear, we got it. And we are going to put a little on her back too, where she can't reach it. We already did the underarm area and stomach.

Eddie: Oh, I'm gonna have to break the silence with her to see this! Mrs. Cleaver, I know we've had our disagreements in the past, but I have to apologize for what she has done. I just couldn't believe it when that cop came in here the other day.

June: It's OK, Eddie bear. You can't help what your mother does. Together, we'll make her rue the day.

Wally: Eddie bear?

June: Yes, Wally, it's my pet name for Eddie. He's a dear bear so soft and tender. (smiles crookedly) Now, Wally, are you going to escort the dear bear over to his house so he can plant the blouse? Be a good boy and do that for me, won't you? (winks at Wally)

Wally: Uh, sure. I may be a little while 'cause I gotta be extra careful.

June: Take your time. (he exits.) Now, Eddie bear, let's put our heads together and talk about your witch of a mother. We don't have much time because Ward (she makes a face) will be home soon.

Eddie Bear: My mother is like the witch on Wizard of Oz. I'm like Dorothy. She won't even let me get a little dog like Toto though.

June: Oh, you poor, poor little thing. Why is she like that? Is she unhappily married?

Eddie: We have a dysfunctional family. Which explains why I'm like...well, I am. It's more like my dad is unhappily married--it's because of how my mom is. You got a taste of it with that cop. She may have been worried about me, slightly, but it was more about inconvenience for her. But how she treated you, Junie bug--unbelievable.

Ward (enters): Junie bug? Now what's this all about? And what cop?