Gus: June, I wouldn't tinkle on you if you were on fire!

June: What a fine, sincere and trustworthy young man you are Edward. Of course you can go upstairs and play with Wallace and the little fellow.

Gus: I like to play with matches.

Lumpy: Daddy I just got an A+ on my Nuclear Physics test!

Eddie: Yes, Mr. Cleaver, it was very juvenile of Clarence to put a cherry bomb in my engine. And I'm gonna fix him good, but first I'm going to to have squab for dinner.

Ward: Eddie you are so full of it; so much sh## comes out of your mouth that you’re attracting flies in our kitchen.

Wally: Hey, Beav, that Judy is a real doll. Invite her over to study why don'tcha?

June (hollers upstairs): Beaver, Judy's here!

Beaver: Be right down!

Beaver: Brussels Sprouts upside down cake - yum yum!

June: Beaver won't come downstairs to talk to you- and I can understand why! You're a prissy creep!

Ward to Fred: Oh shut up with your bragging about Lumpy—we all know he’s an idiot!

Lumpy: Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooommy!

Larry: I couldn’t eat a thing right now Mrs. Cleaver.

M = Mondellos

Possibly the wrong thread. ;)

Possibly the wrong thread. ;)

Yes - thought it was LITB A to Z. Just fixed it.

June: Pearls are too fancy to vacuum in. I'll just put on some older clothes and take off the fancy jewelry.

June: Eddie, I don't need you suggestions on quaint bakeries. Now let me get back to my cleaning. One more thing: is the clasp for my pearls in the back?

Beaver: Hubba hubba, Judy is really filling out that Eskimo sweater.

Beaver: As soon as everyone sees Judy wearing that Eskimo sweater, they'll tease her for wearing guys' clothing!!

Judy: Everyone was very well-behaved Miss Landers.

Larry: What does a kid have to do around here to get a different type of fruit (as he throws his apple at his mother)?!!!

Eddie to Mrs. Cleaver: What’s cooking’ toots!

Mrs. Mondello: Larry, this time I'm shipping you off to Cincinnati to have your father punish you while I tour a chocolate factory!

Mrs. Mondello: Larry, your father isn't in Cincinnati. He never goes there.

Gus: Darned if I know how to fix that thigamajig.

Beaver: Larry, does your father have a mistress in Ohio?

Gus: In practice I jumped right into that net.

Wally: Larry's sister told me that she heard her dad say they wouldn't have ever had any problems with Larry if their mom hadn't worn that silk nightgown on their 25th anniversary!

Mrs. Mondello: That darn silk nightgown! Larry, I'm old enough to be your grandma.

BS Artist is the perfect name for EDDIE!!!!

Beaver: I got a 95 on my spelling test!

June: Who cares?

June: The heck with pearls and nicely coiffed hair. I want an Afro!

Ward: June, can't you ever wear anything sexy when I come home from work?

June (to Beaver): Get upstairs and wash your face, ya little pig.

Wally: can I have a hunk of puréed Brussels Sprouts please with a glass of grass juice?

June: If word got out how much of a tiger Ward becomes after seeing me in my chiffon dresses, it would put the adult boutique industry out of business!

June: Beaver, feel free to continue walking on bridge railings, and putting it in your diary. The water in the river is warm at this time of year.

June: Oh, Ward, shut up!!

June: No pearls now. I need to vacuum.

Ward: oh shut up bragging about your boy Fred; we all know he’s an idiot.

Ward: What, June? Going outside to smoke? That just silly!

June: Sure, Wally, go ahead and grow a long beard. You'll be so popular!

June: What did you say you wanted, Wally?

Wally: A tattoo.

June: Sure, go ahead. I know your father would approve. But you'll have to use your own money.

Mrs Rayburn: I think all the female faculty should start wearing miniskirts.

Ward: Sure, Beaver, you can have another dog. Get as big one, like a Lab of a Rottweiler. Or both.

June: Oh, Beaver, yes, please go out and buy a couple of monkeys so we can all have so much fun with them in the house! I'll give you the money.

Ward: If you boys work at the carnival again, be sure to bring another horse home.

June: Boys, don't you ever try to hide an alligator in the toilet tank again! Next time, put it the tub!

Ward: Beaver, you're so good at taking care of neighbors' cats, we need to get you one.

Lumpy: I just got a 100 on my History test daddy!

Wally: Hey Mom, Eddie Haskell just told Beaver what his name was slang for, and Beaver knocked his ass out.

Eddie: Hey, Beaver, construct any dams lately? (Then again, this could be heard, but probably wasn't).

(OK, iffy, here's another):

Gilbert: Beaver, I'm sorry I pulled that trick on you and got you to make that face and ruin the picture.

Fred to Ward: My boy is the biggest dumba## ever, nowhere near as smart as your boy Wally.

Lumpy: I'm going to grow up and become a doctor because I'm a genius.

Lumpy: I'm signing up for a new class. How do you spell NUCULAR FIZZIX?

Lumpy: daddy I’m tired of reading comic books, ya got any Sartre?

Get me another beer, dear.

Judy: Beaver, you’re a dreamboat!

Eddie: June, you are a hot fox!

June: Eddie you are such a sincere young man. May I prepare you a mayonnaise sandwich?

Lumpy:' Captain Kangaroo' is a far more intellectually stimulating show than 'Meet the Press'!

Beaver: Judy, wanna have lunch together sometime?

Eddie: Hey, Wally! Your mom tried to poison me with that sandwich!!!!

Beaver: I never tell lies!

Eddie: I could eat mayonnaise all day long and never tire of its taste and texture.

Eddie: June you hot tomato!

Whitey, to Beaver: Has anyone ever seen Angela Valentine?

Beaver: Judy you hottie let’s date!

Beaver, to Larry: Has your sister ever been out of those curlers?

Ward to Eddie: Put a sock in it you great big bulls### artist!

Larry: I have a huge crush on your mother, Beaver.

June to Beaver: Eat your Brussels Sprouts you little brat!

Beaver: Larry, your mother's beauty puts Miss Landers to shame!

June to Beaver: No more green vegetables for you-EVER!

Gilbert: Beaver, I owe you an apology. I'm always gettin' you in trouble.

Fred Rutherford: You know Ward, my boy Clarence is the biggest dummy ever.

Larry: Mom, could you start giving me onions instead of apples? I like to peel them until my eyes water.

Beaver: No, thanks, Dad, I don't need a surfboard

Larry: I’m going on a lettuce and watercress diet!

Ward: Junie bug, I'm out of Marlboros. Can I bum one off you?

Beaver: Brussels sprouts! Yum yum!

Beaver, to Wally: So what if I ran the tub over?

Wally: You idiot! Are you seriously trying to tell me my mother tried to poison you, Eddie?

Mrs. Rayburn: Why yes BeaverI DO have a spanking machine in my office. Wanna watch me use it on Judy?

Judy: No, Miss Landers. I have nothing to report. All of my classmates have been total angels all this time.

Gus: Can't talk now, Beaver. We have a fire to go to, first one that's not a cat up a tree in years.

June: Brussels Sprouts suck. McDonald’s for all!

Ward: c'mon, Aunt Martha...we're all going to the Chuckwagon for doggie burgers!

Judy Hensler: Miss Landers, everyone behaved really well when you went out for a smoke break.

Beaver, on the playground, and Miss Landers walks up: Cigarette, Miss L?

Eddie: I’d never cheat or scam anyone, ever!

Eddie: Who, me? I don't suck up to adults.

Miss Landers to Judy: Go stick it where the sun doesn’t shine, you phony little snitch!

Eddie: Mr. Cleaver, I'm shocked that you would think I'm phony!

June to Beaver: ooh-la-la I just LOVE that blouse and will wear it EVERYWHERE!

Miss Landers: I'm sick of you stupid third-graders. Excuse me, I'm going for a smoke.

Miss Landers: You spoiled brats, teach yourselves today. I need a day off!!

Miss Landers (at the patio table, eating at the Cleavers): Beaver, see those boys in the tree? Do you have a slingshot?

Eddie: I will never suck up to you again, Mr. Cleaver sir. LOL

Ward, to June: Do you really need to wear the pearls when you're vacuuming?

June: I’m pi##ed! Beaver gave me costume pearls for my birthday!

Mrs. Rayburn: Send the Cleaver boy to my office, Miss Walker. And would you get out my spanking machine?

Beaver: Brussels sprouts sherbert! Yum yum!!!

Larry: No, thanks, Mrs. Cleaver. I've sworn off Hershey's kisses.

Ward to Eddie: Go stick it where the sun doesn’t shine, you phony b.s. artist!

Beaver: Why'r you askin' what's goin' up on a rope, Dad? Doncha know by now that's our M.O.?

Lumpy: I just got an A+ in physics daddy!

Fred: Ward, sometimes I wish my son were more like Wally.

Ward: Fred, have you considered getting Clarence a brain transplant?

Ward: Fred, maybe you could suggest to Clarence he's a little old for Captain Kangaroo.

Lumpy to Fred: Daddy I passed my remedial reading test! Can I have my comic books back?

Lumpy to Fred: Daddy I passed my remedial reading test! Can I have my comic books back?

Fred to Lumpy: No! Not until I find out what the surprise Donald Duck has for Mickey Mouse!

Judy: I’d never tell on anyone Miss Landers, honest.

Beaver: Mom, can you fix me up with Judy? She is so sweet!

Larry: I haaate apples!

Ward: My Lord, June! Would it kill you to pick up an iron? My shirt is wrinkled!!

Miss Randall to Judy: it’s no longer necessary for you to tattle Judy, we have a surveillance camera now.

Miss Canfield: Theodore, put that smartphone away!

Mrs. Rayburn to Faculty: Let’s all go out & get plastered!

Mrs. Rayburn to Faculty: Let’s all go out & get plastered!

Ward: Good heavens, June! You're telling me we need a pressure cooker up at Lake Crescent?

Ward to June: your pearls need a tune up!

Mrs. Rayburn to the school board: Take this job and shove it!

Mrs. Rayburn: Get lost Theodore! No you can’t have my corsage.

Mrs. Rayburn: I like your sweatshirt, Beaver. (Hollers to Miss Walker)--Send that fuddy-duddy teacher down here!

June: No creepy green vegetables tonight; we’re going to the Golden Arches!

Mrs. Rayburn: My life would be so boring and purposeless were it not for your antics, Theodore!

Ward: June, could you spice up your look and wear some tight jeans for once?

Ward: Eddie, you’re the finest upright young man I know.

Ward: June, what is this slop you cooked? I'm ordering out for pizza!

June: If you don’t like my cooking you can shove it and grab something from the Golden Arches

Lumpy: Daddy, I quit watching Captain Kangaroo. Mr. Green Jeans gets on my nerves.

Lumpy: Daddy can I have some more advanced reading material—like Archie’s comics?

Mrs. Rayburn: So he stuck his tongue out? Get back to the classroom, Miss Landers!

Lumpy: Daddy made me quit watching 'Captain Kangaroo' after I made all those ping-pong balls drop from the ceiling like Mr. Moose does.

Lumpy: Daddy made me quit watching 'Captain Kangaroo' after I made all those ping-pong balls drop from the ceiling like Mr. Moose does.


:lol:

I used to love Mr. Moose! :D

Lumpy: Captain Kangaroo bites it!

Fred: Gwen, what do you mean when you say I need a rug?

Fred to Ward: Ward old boy I’m so proud of my young lad Clarence—he got a C+ on his Dick & Jane book report.

Fred to Ward: Ward old boy I’m so proud of my young lad Clarence—he got a C+ on his Dick & Jane book report.

Lumpy:I'd have gotten a B on it except I forgot to turn it in- for eight years!

Lumpy: I’m sorry I waited so long to turn in my book report Daddy—can I have my Beanie and Cecil comic book back?

Lumpy: But Da-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-dy, you said if I got a B-minus you would let me smoke your pipe!!

Mrs. Rayburn: Judy I’m going to whoop your little snitching butt with my new super deluxe spanking machine.

Lumpy: Daddy, would it be okay if we just had salad tonight? I need to drop some pounds.

Mrs. Rayburn: Everyone, let’s play hooky today!

Beaver: Enter a contest? I never do stuff like that.

Eddie to Ward: Hey Ward-O how’s the old ball and chain doing?

June: Larry, could you ask your mother if she'd come over? I really need a good female friend to talk to.

Mrs. Rayburn: Children, you can all come in cut-offs and torn shirypts all of next week? I won’t say a word!

Wally: Sure, Mom, I won't date anyone until I graduate college. No problemo!

June: Mrs. Mondello, if I didn't have you to ask for advice on how to raise children, I don't know how I'd manage my boys!

Mrs. Mondello to Larry: To he#l with waiting for your father to come home-I’m gonna whoop your but# myself!

Ward: Beaver, first I'm going to show you where the wood shed is, then you're gonna get it!

Ward: Eddie, you did such a great forgery job on Beaver’s report card!

Uncle Billy: June, when is your Aunt Martha fixing to drop by again? I could use a hot date!

June: Burger King! Yum yum!

Wally: Lumpy, you're so smart. Will you tutor me in science?

Charles Fredericks: I'm really stupid. I cheated on the I. Q. test.

Kenneth: I’d never steal a thing!

Fred: Don't tell anybody--I dote on Violet, but I can't stand Clarence!

Miss Landers: shut up you little ruffians while I go outside to have a smoke.

Gwen: Fred, let me buff your chrome dome a little. I can't see to check my makeup.

Ward to June: Lose the pearls! They look ridiculous on you.

June: Ward, why don't you wear the pearls today?

Ward to Fred: oh shut up about your idiot son already! Or I won’t by him a Captain Kangaroo shirt for Christmas!

Lumpy: Daddy, how long much longer will you have to 'break it in' before I can wear my Captain Kangaroo t-shirt?

Lumpy: Girls always liked me, even before they thought I won a scholarship!

Lumpy: Hey I can keep a secret. I will not tell everyone how many fish are in the tank contest.

Mrs. Rayburn: Alice, the Cleaver boy didn't find my spanking machine because I took it home to lubricate it.

Miss Landers: Go sit on it, Judy!

June: Larry, gimmee that pipe. I wanna see how smoking coffee grounds is.

June: Ward, do you think I dress too formally for a housewife?

Gus: Beaver, ya got me. I don't know the answer to that one.

Ward: Gus, do you ever actually put out fires, or do you just hang around all day giving advice to MY BOY?!

Gus: Well, Beaver, your fear of high places is stupid. Just get on the roller coaster and grin and bear it.

Beaver: Gus, you're a bit too old to be a fireman, aren't you?

Beaver: Gus, show me how to slide down the pole.

Gus: Judy, be sure you slide down the fire pole head first!

Judy: Won't that hurt?

Gus: No, (winks) I'll catch you at the bottom.

Gus: Beaver, that Judy is a little witch. Stay away from her!

Beaver (after seeing Larry's weight from the fortunetelling scale): Wow, Larry, you really are as fat as you look!

Larry: Beav, I eat apples all day long and I'm still fat. What the heck?!

^Beaver: Larry, I think you got to the core o' the problem.

June: Wally, that greaser hairstyle is adorable. Be sure to tell Beaver to style it the same way so I can be proud of both of you!

Beaver: Mom, can you make that Brussels Sprouts casserole again because you know it's my favorite!

Ward: Martha, your beet casserole is the bomb! Please give June the recipe.

Wally: I think I'll drop out of school and hitchhike around the country.

Wally: Mom, I'm leaving my shoes at school the last day of the year and only putting them on again at the beginning of the new school year like Dad said his class did when he was a boy and you can stew in your own if you don't like them apples!

Beaver: Can I take a bath the way Puff Puff does? I can use my tongue too!

Beaver: Can I lap my milk like Angela does? It's neat!!

Wally: Hey, Beav, let's start our own band like the Monkees and we can get famous.

Wally: Hey, Beav, let's start our own band like the Monkees and we can get famous.

Wally: Ricky Nelson got famous without his older bro David riding HIS coattails and I'm doing the same- and what are Monkees anyway?

Lumpy: Daddy, you're just jealous because I HAVE hair I can style into a jelly roll.

Gwen (to Fred, at Friends Lake): It's dark under these trees. (pause) Fred, aim your head at the sun. Maybe the reflection off your chrome dome will get us some more light.

Lumpy: Oh, Daaaaaady! Why don't we ever talk about Moooooommy?!

Lumpy: Oh, Daaaaaady! Why don't we ever talk about Moooooommy?!

Fred: Because your mother bore you after fifteen hours but you've bored me ever since!

Beaver: Wow, Mr. Langley! Cool the way you won the $500--you're my hero!!

Fred: Because your mother bore you after fifteen hours but you've bored me ever since!


:lol:

Lumpy: Well, I don't think it's right that you call Beaver "Little Squirt" so stop doing that, Eddie!

Lumpy: Quit picking on Wally and the Beaver or I'll crush your new car to the size of a hockey puck!

Ward: Wally, I forbid you to hang out with a boy named Lumpy!!!

Ward: Wally, that's IT! If you want me to pay for your college tuition, drop Eddie like a hot lead potato NOW!

Eddie: Hello, Mr. Cleaver. My, Sir, you have such beautiful brown eyes. Now I see who Wally gets his looks from.

Eddie: You're wearing a very dashing and distinguished looking suit there, Mr. Cleaver!

June: Wally, why can't you be more polite like your handsome friend Eddie?

June: Eddie,you've got the appeal of a mud fence but your flattery almost makes up for it!

Beaver: Sure, Mom! I love taking a bath!!

Wally: I love my pug nose. Why should I be ashamed of my nose? It's cute!

June: Wally, the pug nose was named after a dog breed. Keep wearing that thingamajig at night!

Ward: June, does anyone on your side have a pug nose? I don't recall anyone on mine having had one and nor did the milkman!

June: I cannot lie, that milkman is HOT!

Beaver, to Donna Yeager: Wow, you look just like the paper girl!

Wally: I'm going to marry the first girl I meet who wears pearls just like Dear Ol' Mom.

Agnes: What are you reading, Eddie?

Eddie: It's my homework, Mom.

Agnes: Egad George--it REALLY is!

Wally: I'm going to marry the first girl I meet who wears pearls just like Dear Ol' Mom.

Eddie: Wally, you think that soda shop job will pay for those pearls? Fat chance- especially if I'm around!

Eddie: Wally, our parents make rules for our own good--it's time you learned that.

Eddie: Wallace, you should be nicer to your little brother Theodore.

Eddie: Wallace, you really ought not call Theodore names, like "Squirt."

Eddie: Hey, Ward! You're a squirt and so are your boys!

Ward: Kenneth, you're a rotten little reprobate.

June: Ward, could we hire a hitman to take out Eddie? I can't stand his smug mug!

June: Ward, could we hire a hitman to take out Eddie? I can't stand his smug mug!

Ward: Sure, but even if we found one who'd be willing to take Eddie on a date, how much money would we have to pay out to compensate them for having to had to put up with Eddie?

Wally: "Hey dad, you're going to have to increase my allowance. I just knocked somebody up."

Ward: Sure, but even if we found one who'd be willing to take Eddie on a date, how much money would we have to pay out to compensate them for having to had to put up with Eddie?

June: Ward, you need educatin'.

Beaver: Hey, Larry, where do babies come from? You know, don't you?

Larry: Everybody knows that--the stork brings 'em. Just watch the cartoons!

Beaver: Are storks strong enough to carry babies as big as you, Larry?

Larry: My mom told me it took three of 'em to get me delivered.

Beaver: Can we get a dog named Ruff Ruff?

Beaver: Mom, if we're keeping the alligator for a pet, how about we name him Nibbles?

Beaver, to Ward and June: You helped Wally thru a pug nose, me thru freckles and looking like a sheepdog, now how about some help with these pimples?

June: I wish I had girls instead of boys. These boys are the pits.

Ward: Girls would have been so much easier to raise than boys!

June, to Ward: If we ever have another child, you better quit shootin' boys!

Ward: As long as you keep saying that I can't muss your hair or pearls, there's fat chance of any more!

Ward: These single beds don't help matters any. Don't you think we could get a double or one of those new queen-size beds?

June: No way, I could never wear my pearls then!

Ward: June, you are so uppity!

June: Any YOU act so suspiciously! Wearing a different tie when you get home from work than you wore going to work; REALLY!

Wally: Mom will love my new tattoo!

Wally: Beaver, that Facebook post of yours is going viral--you better take it down.

Beaver: Wait--what?

^ LOL

Wally: Shoot me a text, Eddie, it's faster.

June: Ward, the school wants one of us to come down there, and I'm to meet Marge for lunch and I don't have a way to get hold of her.

Ward: Dear, just call her or text her. I don't have time to deal with Beaver today!

June: How about we just tell Mrs. Rayburn to ZOOM us so we don't have to waste any gas?

Wally: Marlene didn't give me directions to her house.

Beaver: Get with the program! Use your GPS.

June: I've had such a stressful day! I ordered Ward's favorite socks on Amazon but a porch pirate stole them!

Wally: Beav, I think we need a Wi-Fi extender. The signal's comin' all the way from Dad's den, and it's too far.

June: I've had such a stressful day! I ordered Ward's favorite socks on Amazon but a porch pirate stole them!

Mrs. Mondello: Poor dear! What a calamity if you two can't have safe socks in your own home!

Ward: What's for dinner?

June: I'm nuking some Lean Cuisine.

Mrs. Mondello: Poor dear! What a calamity if you two can't have safe socks in your own home!

:lol:

Mr. Mondello: June should have used Amazon Locker. :D

Wally (as Eddie pulls out a device): Eddie, a BlackBerry? Are you serious?