Sam: [leaning towards her] I know all about her little problem.

Diane: [shocked] You do?? [curious, she leans in and whispers] So you know who's responsible for...her condition? [she sniffs him and smiles] Sam...I see you finally learned how to be subtle with your cologne...I must say it's very attrac- [jumps back, remembering their agreement] uhhh back to what we were saying. Do you know?

Sam: [deep breath of tension] Uh, Diane...let's go into my office and talk...[grabs a seltzer]

Diane: Good idea - [judgmentally] you know how the gossip spreads around here. God knows I don't want to take part of any scandalous blather. [In the office] So how much do you know?

Sam: [hand on forehead] Diane I am so relieved right now. [laughs] I thought you were pregnant, but it's Rebecca, isn't it?

Diane: [does her "Diane laugh"] You thought [laughs] you thought "I" was pregnant? [laughs more] Oh Sam - you're a riot [laughs] you thought...you thought...I was...[her laugh turns into a wail...then a sob and she slumps down on the coach covering her face].

Sam: Oh, come on, Diane, don't cry. [walks over and rubs her back] You'll have children someday. [continues to rub her back]

Diane: Oooooooh [sobs] No, I won't, Sam...[sobs some more] I don't want to talk about it - it's not something you talk about, you know? [clears her eyes a bit, realizes where his hands are and looks at him] ....what happened to [swallows] our agreement....?

Sam: I don't like seeing you like this, Diane. What's going on with you? You've been acting nuttier than Rebecca...[smacks his forehead] I didn't mean it the way it sounded.

Diane: Oh, come on, Sam. Do I have to spell it out for you?

Sam: So this is a test now? Come on, Diane, what's wrong?

Diane: [sniff] Well, ok. Oh, I hate having to tell you this! But I guess I have to. You know, Sam, when a woman reaches a certain phase in her life, things aren't quite like what they used to be. Just as the rose one day begins to wilt, so do we. Like the leaves changing in autumn, like the- [realizes Sam looks more confused] Oh come on! Sam, my clock...doesn't tick anymore.

Sam: I don't care about your clock, I care about you. [exasperated] Ah, NO! I promised myself I wouldn't get all mushy....Carla was right...I am in lov--[stops himself] Uh, I hope you feel better soon. [walks out of his office, pulling the back of his hair]

Diane: [crying with joy, runs after him] Oh, Sam! This is exactly the level of depth I wanted us to explore together. Sam, that was a test - and you passed with flying colors!

Sam: [laughs] Are you saying that you were tricking me this whole time? [laughs harder; gets serious] You have a lot of nerve, Ms. Chambers!

Diane: [laughs nervously] Oh, come on...what happened to "I love you"? At least now, we both know what we really mean to one another. And now you know that there's still a chance for us to bring forth another life unto this world - our little Emile. And you know what the best part is...I think we can set aside that little agreement we made yesterday...[looks at him suggestively]

Sam: I don't think so, Diane....that was a pretty rotten trick.

Lilith [walks into bar]: Afternoon everybody!

Diane: [frowns] Sam! It was a harmless little trick! And I know you don't like the name Emile, but we can give him a middle name that you like. But we ARE going to call him Emile. That is - if it's a boy. [sees Lilith] Oh hello, Lilith!

Lilith: Whoa whoa whoa! Call who what?

Diane: [laughs] No, Lilith - calm down. Sam and I are just talking about our future children. [sends Sam a psychotically cheesey smile]

Lilith: You mean...?

Diane: Oh no! Sam and I haven't had a chance to...you know...express our affection for each other as of yet. But we will soon, right darling?

Sam: Diane has this crazy idea that I want children. [laughs; to Lilith] What can I get ya? [looks at Diane with an "I'm sorry" look]

Woody-(walking in) Hey everybody. What's going on?

Lilith: Scotch, Sam.

Speaking of affections, or lack thereof, have any of you seen Frasier recently?

Diane: [To Lilith] Oh, last thing I heard was that Frasier had become addicted to watching some - what do they call them? DVDS? Well Norman told me he's hooked on watching some DVD collection of some sort. I never knew he liked tv shows.

[To Sam, pouts] What do you mean you don't want children?

[Rebecca walks in with a bag of Animal Crackers, eating them as if they wouldn't be there tomorrow]

Rebecca: [at the bar] Sam, pour me a brandy!

Sam: [jumps over the bar, grabs Diane and kisses her, breaks away] There! I feel better....honey, you have no idea how long I've waited to do that again and yes, it's not been a week yet, but I love you! [bar snickers; to the bar] You can laugh all you want, but I love this woman...and about not wanting children, I was kidding...see how you like it?

Diane: [smiles] Oh...you're making me blush, Sam! I'm truly flattered - and you know I'm not easily flattered.

[To Rebecca] Oh, Rebecca! How was your visit to the [whispers in her ear] doctor? You know, I wanted to thank you for confiding in me. If you hadn't, I wouldn't have realized how much I also want a child in my life.

[Whispering to Lilith] I think she may need your professional help...yet again.

Lilith: What's a "DVD?"

Originally posted by BebeSternin
Lilith: What's a "DVD?"

Diane: You know...I'm not sure. Cliff tried to explain it to me the other night. I tell you, I have no idea what's what when it come to modern technology.

Rebecca: [mouth full of animal crackers] That's really great, Diane. [sees Sam doing something "un-Sam-like"] Oh hell, I'll pour my own drink. [goes behind the bar] If you two get married, I get the bar back.

Sam: [letting his guard down] Now wait a minute, Rebecca. That's not fair.

Diane: You know...I'm not sure. Cliff tried to explain it to me the other night. I tell you, I have no idea what's what when it come to modern technology.

Sam: [goes bar behind the bar and says not realizing] Digital Compact Disc...or is it Digital Visual Disc...[laughs]

Originally posted by Princess Feenster
Sam: [goes bar behind the bar and says no realizing] Digital Compact Disc...

Lilith: A whatsit?

Diane: Aaah...seems like Mr. Malone is up-to-date. Do you have any "DVDs", Sam?

Sam: Are you telling me that a doctor of your economical stability doesn't own a DVD player? [laughs]

Woody- DVDs are just like movies on a disc. Kelly's uncle got really rich from them.

Originally posted by Princess Feenster
Sam: Are you telling me that a doctor of your economical stability doesn't own a DVD player? [laughs]

Lilith: They have players? Are DVDs like...CDs?

Diane: Aaah...seems like Mr. Malone is up-to-date. Do you have any "DVDs", Sam?

Sam: Sure, Diane. I love it. I can watch whatever I want with digital comfort. No need to fast forward, you can just skip chapters...[putting his arm around her] Why don't you stop by my place later and I'll show you. [kisses the side of her head]

Diane: [sighs] I guess I'm an old-fashioned girl myself. But I'd be willing to learn a few things about modern technology from you, Sam [winks at him]. Of course...I'd hate to think of the answer...but what kind of movies do you own? Those same ones with the less-than-modest girls running around?

Originally posted by CheersChild4life
Woody- DVDs are just like movies on a disc. Kelly's uncle got really rich from them.

Lilith: Oh thank you Woody! Freddie has some of those!

Lilith: They have players? Are DVDs like...CDs?

Sam: They look like CD's but they don't work like CD's...compact discs give off sound and DVD's are both sound and video....I particularly enjoy watching "Crocodile Hunter..." those reptiles just jump out at you...

Originally posted by DianeDiane
Diane: [sighs] I guess I'm an old-fashioned girl myself. But I'd be willing to learn a few things about modern technology from you, Sam [winks at him]. Of course...I'd hate to think of the answer...but what kind of movies do you own? Those same ones with the less-than-modest girls running around?

Sam: Diane, I am insulted...that's why viagra was invented. [winks at her]

Norm: Sammy, I just looked at my calender and this is National Free Beer Week. So, pass down the free beers

Originally posted by Princess Feenster
Sam: They look like CD's but they don't work like CD's...compact discs give off sound and DVD's are both sound and video....I particularly enjoy watching "Crocodile Hunter..." those reptiles just jump out at you...

Lilith: Crocodile..what?

Cliff: Do any of you remember that show that they based on us ?I think it was called.....oh...I know Cheers I guess they really weren't creative that day. It debuted when Sammy had a grand opening of the bar back in Semptember of a......1982.

Originally posted by WilCap
Norm: Sammy, I just looked at my calender and this is National Free Beer Week. So, pass down the free beers

Sam: Nice try, Norm..but heck, I'll buy you one...but only one!

Diane: Hmm....Oh! I just had the most wonderful idea! You know what film I haven't seen in ages? Akira Kurosawa's "Ran." Oh Sam, can we watch that tonight? I'm sure there must be some place that rents it out. Oh, I've always wanted to share the brilliance of Japanese filmmaking with you, Sam.

Norm: Thanks Sammy, but we should start a free beer week. I think it is a great idea

Lilith: The conversation here's about as stimulating as a brink. [leaves]

Cliff:While you guy's where talking away I was busy reading this interesting little article here. It says that, uh... the average human being only uses seventeen percent of his brain. Boy, you realize what that means? We don't use a full, uh... sixty-four percent. I'll be back in few minutes (walks out of the bar with an idea)

Lilith: Crocodile..what?

Sam: "Crocodile Hunter..." Steve Erwin! He's the Australian guy who wrestles crocodiles and catches snakes and lizards for fun! You should have seen this one episode where he picked up this rattlesnake and about gave it a kiss!

Rebecca: Sam, stop! I'm going to have nightmares for a week!

Norm: Don't change the subject Sam, I bet Cliffy here would agree with me

Diane: [whines] Saaam...I hope you don't expect me to watch that tonight. I want to watch Kurosawa!

Diane: [whines] Saaam...I hope you don't expect me to watch that tonight. I want to watch Kurosawa!

Sam: [grins] How about you just watch KuroSammy?

Norm: Fine Sam, maybe Gary will appreciate my idea

Cliff:After a few beers someone always feels a little intelligent there , I can tell that by how long Norm has been here...so thats 12 hours a day for about...uh.... 40 years he should an Einstein by now! So sammy pour a freebie for Norm and I

Norm: Cliff, don't you think Sammy should make a Free Beer Week for his regulars

Diane: That's "Norm and ME", Cliff. [To Sam] I guess I could sacrifice one night of culture....[laughs]

Rebecca: [uncontrolable reflex] Oh, no! Don't go, Norm...I'm sure Sam could get you as many beers as you want..[goes to Norm] Charge it to Robin Colcord's gold card....I, er, borrowed it.

Cliff:I think i've had to much....(cliff passes out & has a flashback) The very letters "D-N-A" are an acronym for the words "Dames are Not Agressive."
Diane: They stand for dioxyribonucleic acid.
Cliff: Ah, yes, but uh parse that in the latin declention and uh my point is still moot.

Cliff:(Cliff wakes up)Oh yeah I gotta go home to my blessed mom oh yeah she died oh my god Iam having a Brain...nervous...break...down (runs out)ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Originally posted by Princess Feenster
Rebecca: [uncontrolable reflex] Oh, no! Don't go, Norm...I'm sure Sam could get you as many beers as you want..[goes to Norm] Charge it to Robin Colcord's gold card....I, er, borrowed it.

Norm: Thanks Rebecca.

(Walks to Sam)

Norm: I want to buy the bar

(Walks to Sam)

Norm: I want to buy the bar

Sam: [pours Norm a beer; laughs] You are such a kidder.

Norm: Sammy, do I look like I am kidding. I have got a rich man's credit card and if I have this bar, free beer for me all the time

Diane: [coming back from waiting on a table] Scotch on the rocks, Sam. Norman, if you bought this bar, would you give your waitresses higher salaries?

Norm: I don't know what that is, but sure

Diane: Aaah... then you may be on to something there, Norman.

Sam: Ok, Norm....for one week, you have control of the bar. If you can handle it, you can have co-ownership...how's that sound?

Rebecca: [hysterical] What?! Sam, that's not fair! I want the bar back and my credit card!

Frasier: (walks into bar) I knew something drew me to this bar.Well iam going to go back to the hotel and watch some more cheers Dvd's I mean Frasier D....I mean.....Nevermind! (runs out)

(Norm gets estatic)

Norm: This is great Sammy. Rebecca, you made me so happy.

(He puts card in his pocket and goes behind the bar and drinks a beer)

Norm: So, anybody want anything?

Diane: Sam, are you crazy? ...although... that arrangement may give you and me a little more time together, huh? [smiles]

Norm: Diane, don't ruin this. You and Sam take the rest of the day off and do whatever

Sam: Yeah, let's take the day off....let me go get something. [goes into his office; looks back at Diane was wasn't behind him like he thought she would be] Uh, Diane, don't follow me...

Diane: Oh? [playfully] What are you hiding, Sam?

(Norm rubs his hands together)

Norm: My wish has finally come true. I get to run Cheers. I hope Carla doesn't get mad.

Sam: [grins and smiles] Nothing, Diane....I'll be right back. [goes into his office; O.S. "thud"] Ow! Damnit!

Diane: [pops her head in] Sam? What's wrong?

Sam: [hopping on one foot] I was, uh, [stops hopping] nothing...Diane, I just realized something. I've said the three words you've wanted to hear, but I haven't heard you say them...do you not feel the same way? [goes into the filing cabinet and gets his momento box] Well, what do you know. Rebecca didn't feed it to her neighbor's dogs after all...[blows the dust off, opens it but Diane can't see what's inside]

(Listening to Sam and Diane)

Norm: Oh boy

Diane: Oh, my God, Sam. You're right. I guess I always assumed you knew. Well, ok I'll say it. I lu-I lu-I lu [she smirks]. A dose of your own medicine, huh? Oh Sam, you know I love you, right? Because I do. I love you, Sam. [peeks into the box] Oh!! Are those my old letters? Awww...you're such a big sensitive guy!

Originally posted by DianeDiane
Diane: Oh, my God, Sam. You're right. I guess I always assumed you knew. Well, ok I'll say it. I lu-I lu-I lu [she smirks]. A dose of your own medicine, huh? Oh Sam, you know I love you, right? Because I do. I love you, Sam. [peeks into the box] Oh!! Are those my old letters? Awww...you're such a big sensitive guy!

Sam: Aw, come on, Diane...don't say I'm sensitive. I--uh, just left an uneatten Snickers bar in here, that's all. Nothing more than that. [adding to her "I love you"] And that "I Love you" didn't sound very sincere.

Diane: Sam! It was sincere! All right [frowns]. I'll say it again! [says rather fast] Sam, I love you. No wait, that wasn't right. Let me try again. Sam, [she takes his hands and looks into his eyes, very serious now] Sam, I love you. You're the only man I've every loved. [then she grabs the box away from his hands] Haha! They ARE my letters! All tied up neatly with a little red ribbon! Aw, Sam. How romantic.

Norm: So, who wants a beer?

Sam: Diane, let's go back to my place and express our feelings there.

Diane: That sounds like a marvelous idea, Mr. Malone. Goodbye, everybody! Norman - we're trusting the bar in your hands. Don't go drinking all the beer yourself, all right? [To Sam] Let's go, my big sensitive guy [smiles].
[they leave]

OOC: be back tomorrow!

Norm: Let's have a round on Mr. Colcord

Walks down the steps outside then looks into the door window)HEY !!! Where is everyone ? I know iam here on time Cheers should be open by now, So where is everyone ? Well I guess I will just sit here and wait.(Having memories of the bar)

(Norm opens the door)

Norm: Cliff, the door is open. You turned the nob the wrong way

Cliff : Oh yeah Iam just a little bummed that Ma is gone

(Norm goes behind the bar)

Norm: Here Cliffy, have a free one on the house

Well thank you Norm theres nothing a good ol' beer to drown your sorrows or a women you know I have impossibly high standards for a woman.

Norm: Yea Cliff, you tell me about it all the time

Cliff : One night I was watching this show called Cheers To You ,You know that show that was based on us & the bar.They had this character who was based on me but was a UPS guy & they stole my bit & he said It's a little know fact that 42% of deaths in America are caused by accidents in the home. I knew I said that somewhere I just can't remember. hmmm...

Cliff : My therapist or physcologist said to throw out random topics at people and uh.....have a little chat about them

Cliff:How about reincarnation ?

ooc-did i spell that right?

(back in character)

Diane: [walks in and puts on apron] Hello, hello, mes amis!

Woody- (walking in) Hey everybody.

Frasier- (throwing open door) 11 years later and I find myself back in this damn bar..

Diane: Oh Frasier! How lovely to see you here again...sober...You know, Lilith was asking about you. Have you managed to get in touch with her yet?

Frasier- Lillith asking about me? That's odd. No I've yet to get in touch with her.

Diane: Oh no...there wasn't anything odd about the way she spoke of you. She was clinical and cold about it - like she is about everything. Actually, Im sorry to say, she wished you'd go pay the Devil a visit. However, it's clear to me that her frigid hostility only masks a deeper emotion.

Frasier- Well maybe Lilith could take a trip to hell herself maybe she could get an actually body tempeture above freezing point.

Diane: [sarcastically] Aww...if only all divorced couples could behave in such a laudable manner.

Frasier- Haha Diane. Woody can I have a scotch please.

Woody- Sure thing Dr.Crane. (pours Frasier a scotch) You know Dr.Crane Dr.Sternin orders the same thing)

Frasier- (sarcatically) Oh WOody it must mean we're destin for eachother

Diane: Well actually, Frasier - Woody may not be as far from the truth as usual. You and Lilith seem miserable apart - you might as well be miserable together! ["Diane laugh"]

Norm: So Diane, where is Sam? He is late for work

Diane: From what I gather, you're still the trial manager for the bar, Norman. Sam is doing a little favor for me as we speak. He knows about this little place for rent near Harvard Square that belongs to an old baseball friend of his - so he's going over there to see if he can snatch it up for me so I can finally leave that hotel. I tell you - room service is burning a hole through my finances.

Norm: Diane, I am owner for 6 more days. And I wont get mad at Sam since it is for you. So, are there Wedding Bells in your future?

Diane: Oh...well we haven't had the chance to sit down and talk about that yet...but [smiles smugly] I think the time will come soon. It's inevitable. I think Sam and I have shown, time and time again, that we are in fact destined for each other....if not to kill each other, to marry each other ["Diane laugh"].

Norm: Well, I wouldnt be surprised if you did. I think you two are meant for each other.

Sam: [entering the bar, smiling happily] Hey guys...[goes behind the bar and whistles a tune] Lovely day, isn't it?

Diane: Oh there's my Sammy! [runs over to him] Did you manage to talk your baseball friend into renting that little place to me?

Sam: [turning to her and taking ahold of her shoulders] Not only that, we can move in there next Tuesday.

Sam: [clearing his throat and laughs] I'm getting ahead of myself here....Diane, you have that place....I will get to visit you, right? Perhaps spend the night?

Diane: We?? Why, Sam! Oh...you mean visit. [laughs embarrassedly] Oh, of course...that's great. I can't wait to move in. [taps her fingernails on the bar]

Norm: Sammy, your late

Diane: Well then, may I have the rest of the night off? I want to start packing so I can move in the morning...[with an exaggerated pitiful expression]...on my own...[sighs dramatically] Oh well...I'll see you later Sam, everyone.

OOC: gotta go now

Sam: Yeah, you'll love the place...[gives a "what did I do now" look; laughs] So, Diane, do you want to go into my office and neck? [remembering Cliff runs the bar for a week and then thinks, "Oh well!"] How bout it?

Norm: Sure Diane, see ya. Sam, get to work

Sam: Sure, Norm...[mumbles] You're starting to remind me of Rebecca.

Norm: How? Does she like beer too?

Sam: You're running this bar for a week. In all rights, I should be the one sitting on your stool guzzling beer.

Norm: You can't Sammy. ONe because your not an alcoholic, and two is because I am sitting on my stool behind the bar to.

Sam: [so no one will hear] But Norm, you're not dating Diane...remember the first time she broke up with me? [laughs] I'm only kidding. Geez, I make you the boss and you lose your sense of humor.

Norm: Sammy, I still have it, its just i have more beer. But if you want to act like me, go listen to one of Cliff's stories

Rebecca: [walking into the bar; dressed up to the nines] Hello, everyone. [crosses to the bar] Sam, I would like a bottle of your best champagne.

Sam: Whoa, Rebecca. Did some rich woman have a garage sale today?

Rebecca: No, Sam. I'm seeing someone...

Norm: Rebecca, did you ask for the day off?

Norm: Sammy, I still have it, its just i have more beer. But if you want to act like me, go listen to one of Cliff's stories

Sam: Thanks for the offer, Norm, but I'll pass.

Norm: Rebecca, did you ask for the day off?

Rebecca: Well, no, but I have good reason. I have met the most wonderful man today. He's handsome, sophisicated, rich, a great kisser, and he drives a mercedes...besides, he loves The Righteous Brothers.

Norm: Don't blame ya Sammy

(To Becky)

Norm: Well, will you pay my bar bill

Norm: Well, will you pay my bar bill

Rebecca: [to Norm rather sharply] Pay your own! [realizes how sharp she was] Oh, I'm sorry, Norm. I just had the best day of my life, and the worst. I think someone stole Robin Colcord's credit card from my purse. I remember having it yesterday but now it's gone. It's his gold card...[rumages through her purse again]

(Norm walks away to another customer. Signals for Sammy to follow)

Norm: So.. Are you thinking about popping the question to Diane?

Sam: Me? No...I'm too young, Norm. [laughs; quizzically] Do you think she's expecting that?

Norm: I think so, she was blabbing on about stuff earlier, but what do i know, I am just a bartender

Sam: Aw, man. Norm, remember the last time I proposed, and I bought her a wedding ring, well two actually...how much do wedding rings cost now?

Norm: Not sure Sammy, but here, take Colcords Credit Card number

(He writes the number down and puts Card back in his pocket)

Norm: Use this and get Diane a great ring.

Sam: Aw, Norm, you don't have to do that...[smiles devilishly] But if it will teach Rebecca a lesson, I'll do it.

(Norm laughs)

Norm: Hey, it payed off my bar bill, so I am happy

Sam: You know, I bet I'll have enough left over to buy another sports car...one more up to date. I can't keep riding girls around in my 1982 model. [laughs] Merry Christmas, Sammy!

Rebecca: Oh God...I have an appointment with the love of my life right now.

Sam: Well, have a good time.

Rebecca: What are you two doing over there? [they hide the credit card]

Sam: What makes you think we're doing anything? Norm was just, uh, helping me out with taxes.

Rebecca: Ah-ha. Well, I'll be back tomorrow.

[Rebecca leaves]

Sam: Whew! That was close.

Woody- You guys you know you shouldn't be stealing like that. My dad always told me the only people who steal are son of pigs.

Norm: Well Woody, oink oink

Sam: [pretending he didn't hear Woody] Ok, Norm, I'll be back before you know it!

[Sam leaves]

Diane: Good afternoon, everyone. Has anyone seen Sam? [puts on apron]

Rebecca: I think he's out looking for his brain.

Diane: I don't know, Rebecca. I'm beginning to doubt that he ever had a brain in the first place. [wipes down the bar furiously] What kind of an excuse is "I need to go to the library"? Huh? Sam at the library? That's what he told me when I asked him to come over this morning to help me move. If he has something more important to do, I'd rather he just say it and not insult my intelligence.

Rebecca: Diane, I don't want to say anything too insulting about your beau, but, Sam is a jerk.

Diane: [frowns] Well I know he's a big dumb jerk...But what has he done to you?

Rebecca: Nothing too unusual. I just always put him in that category. [pulling Diane aside] I know it's none of my buisness, but I overheard Sam say that he was going shopping.

[phone rings; Rebecca panics]

Rebecca: Oh God! I bet that's Robin! [dumps out her purse on the table] It's got to be in here somewhere.

Diane: W-wait wait wait! Why would he be going shopping?

Rebecca: How the hell should I know? I'm no eavesdropper. [looks at her phone and lets out a sigh] Good. It wasn't Robin.

Diane: Who's this Robin fellow?

(Norm comes out of the office)

Norm: Well, finally people show up to work on time

Rebecca: He's Robin Colcord...a wealthy, cute guy I used to date. He loaned me his gold card and now I can't find it.

Norm: Rebecca, I bet you left that card at home

Rebecca: You know, Norm, I think you're right. I'm going to go home and check. [leaves]

Diane: Good luck, Rebecca. [sighs] Norm, did you hear anything about Sam going shopping this morning?

Originally posted by DianeDiane
Diane: Good luck, Rebecca. [sighs] Norm, did you hear anything about Sam going shopping this morning?

Norm: Yea, he had to get his Mom a birthday present

Diane: His mother? I thought she was dead? [suddenly smiles] Oh, you're hiding something from me, aren't you, Norman?

Originally posted by DianeDiane
Diane: His mother? I thought she was dead? [suddenly smiles] Oh, you're hiding something from me, aren't you, Norman?

(Norm thinks)

Norm: She is? Well, he told me it was for a family thing, so maybe his brother or sister

Diane: [skeptically] Derek? I thought they weren't on speaking terms. Did they happen to patch things up?

Diane: Oh come on, Norman! What is Sam really doing? Is he getting something for me? Ooh I wonder what it is...

Norm: I guess so, unless he has mysterious family members

Originally posted by DianeDiane
Diane: Oh come on, Norman! What is Sam really doing? Is he getting something for me? Ooh I wonder what it is...

Norm: He is not getting anything for you Diane. Is everything about you?

Diane: Oh Norman - come on. All the signs are in my favor. Sam acted so mysteriously this morning. His excuses are as dumb as ever - meaning he must be using up his brain cells on something much more important. Oh! I knew I was right! [gets a wide-eyed look on her face] You don't think he...[clasps her hands] Could it be that he's...no no no - I won't jinx it this time. I'll keep my lips sealed.

Norm: Diane, listen to me. He didn't buy you anything and he isn't doing what you are thinking, trust me

Sam: [walks into the bar, not seeing Diane and hangs up his coat] Well, Norm, I'm back. You'll never guess what I found at the store. It's this...[sees Diane] Hi.

Diane: Oh? Then he did tell you something, didn't he? Ohhh Norman...you're a sly one. [psychotic smile] But sooner or later I'll pry it out of you. [goes to wait on a table]

(Trying to get Sam to play along)

Norm: So Sam, did you get that gift for your brother?

Originally posted by Princess Feenster
Sam: [walks into the bar, not seeing Diane and hangs up his coat] Well, Norm, I'm back. You'll never guess what I found at the store. It's this...[sees Diane] Hi.

Diane: [laughs smugly] I knew you were up to something, Mr. Malone. How was your trip to the "library"?

Originally posted by DianeDiane
Diane: Oh? Then he did tell you something, didn't he? Ohhh Norman...you're a sly one. [psychotic smile] But sooner or later I'll pry it out of you. [goes to wait on a table]

Norm: Diane, you are starting to scare me

Originally posted by DianeDiane
Diane: [laughs smugly] I knew you were up to something, Mr. Malone. How was your trip to the "library"?

Norm: Diane, go wait tables in the back

Originally posted by WilCap
(Trying to get Sam to play along)

Norm: So Sam, did you get that gift for your brother?

Sam: Huh? [plays along] Oh! Yeah, it's uh, out in the car.

Originally posted by WilCap
Norm: Diane, you are starting to scare me

Diane: [whispers to Norm] If you tell me, I'll buy you a beer. No - two beers. Oh make it a six-pack. [thinks for a second] On the other hand...I'd rather not know. So then it would be a surprise. Yes, a surprise. [smiles again]

Originally posted by Princess Feenster
Sam: Huh? [plays along] Oh! Yeah, it's uh, out in the car.

Norm: Good, now get behind the bar, we have work to do

Diane: [in a clear and loud voice] Well I'm going to wait on a few tables in the back. So if you two gentleman want to discuss something in private, go ahead [winks and smiles]. [she goes to the back]

Sam: [to Norm] What's the matter with Diane?

Sam: [seeing that Norm has decided to play behind the bar, filling beers glasses for himself; Sam wonders in the pool room where Diane is finishing cleaning up--peaks around the corner at Diane]

Diane: [humming a happy tune while she's cleaning, she notices Sam] Sam? [smiles cleverly] Do you want to talk to me about...something?

Sam: Oh, I was just, [takes the rag off his shoulder, rubs the wall] cleaning the wall. [wanders close to Diane] What makes you think that I came back here to talk to you?

Diane: Oh...no particular reason [smiles again]. But if you do want to tell me something...then let it not be here in the pool room [frowns]. And also...let it be away - far away - from any body of water.

Sam: Ok, sure. [a small box falls out of Sam's pocket as he walked out of the pool room] Norm, Diane and me need to use the office for a little bit. [Norm was in beer heaven, with foam hanging from his nose]

Diane: [sees the little box on the floor and gasps] Oh I was right! [suddenly frowns and whines] Oh....Sam....I didn't want to find out about it this way. Ok, let's pretend I don't know anything, ok? I'll go wait in your office for you while you...clean up your act. [giggles and goes into his office]

Diane: [sees the little box on the floor and gasps] Oh I was right! [suddenly frowns and whines] Oh....Sam....I didn't want to find out about it this way. Ok, let's pretend I don't know anything, ok? I'll go wait in your office for you while you...clean up your act. [giggles and goes into his office]

Sam: Dia--[stops and realizes] Oh, my, Go--she doesn't think I'm going to....Damnit! I should have bought that ring. [looks at Norm] I'll be back shortly. [leaves bar]

Diane: [getting impatient in the office, she pops her head out and realizes Sam isn't there and walks out into the bar] Where did Sam go? [she looks around and sees the little box still on the floor and reluctantly picks it up and opens it to find a tiny bugs bunny-shaped salt shaker] What on earth?? [furiously, she starts to pace]

[A half hour later...Sam returns with another box]

Sam: Norm, thanks to your credit card, I had to buy this [holds up the box] "thing" with my own money! [takes out the credit card number and rips it up] This card was canceled!

Diane: [fuming] Hello, SAM. [runs over to wait on a table; to the customers] Hello and welcome to Cheers - home to Boston's most life-like dummy [points to Sam].

Sam: [taken aback] Come on, Diane. What did I do?

Diane: [trying to hold back her anger] Oh nothing, Sam. [she quickly walks away but suddenly turns around and yells] I hope that precious little salt-shaker gives you high blood pressure!

Originally posted by DianeDiane
Diane: [trying to hold back her anger] Oh nothing, Sam. [she quickly walks away but suddenly turns around and yells] I hope that precious little salt-shaker gives you high blood pressure!


Sam: You are the most maniacal woman I've ever laid eyes on and I wouldn't give you your real present if you paid me!

Diane: Me? [pushes him back] Why you're the biggest troglodyte I've ever come across. You're the most insensitive, thick-skulled, bestial - wait a minute - my "real" present?

Sam: [irritated] Yeah! Your "real" present! [turns around so Diane can't see and looks at the ring] I'm not even sure if I should give it to you. [closes the box]

Diane: [tries to take a peek and fails. irriated, she goes back to yelling] Oh? Well I wouldn't want it anyway! I bet it's another moronic artifact - like a Bugs Bunny pepper-shaker. Well I don't want it, Sam! [stands there, tapping her foot, with Sam's back to her. all of a sudden she wrings his neck and drags him down onto the floor, trying to get the box out of his hands] What is it! Damnit, show it to me!

Sam: [trying to keep it away from Diane] You're acting like a juvenile, Diane! Everyone is staring because you're a nut! Did you hear that, Diane? You're looney!...Maybe I bought that Bugs Bunny salt-shaker because it reminds me how much of a looney tune you really are!

Diane: [gets up slowly, realizing people really are watching, and adjusts her clothes] Excuse us, everyone. I happen to be a supporter of practical models for teaching psychology - what we just demonstrated here was an example of an irrational, physical confrontation...to...teach all of you the importance of [obviously losing track of her thoughts] of maintaining rationality during a verbal reparte. Now we will demonstrate the second phase of this...model, where Sam and I will talk about what just happened in his office. [she takes his arm and begins to walk calmly to the office, but half way there tightens her grip and throws him through the door and onto the floor in his office]. I AM NOT A LOON!

Sam: [holding his arm] Ow, Diane, that hurt. [pinches her back] What's gotten into you?

Diane: [outraged] That hurt! If anyone is being immature, it's you! [pinches him harder on the arm]

Sam: Ok, if you want to play rough, I'll play rougher! [grabs her arm and gives her an indian burn] How's that feel?

Diane: Ow ow ow ow! Sam! I do NOT want to play rough! Oh before I met you, any form of violence sickened me! I used to be a conscientious objector! Now look at what you turned me into! [slaps his face] HA! And I actually enjoyed that!

Sam: [slaps her back] You are the most irritating, overdramatic, repetitive, bonkers woman I have ever met in my life!

Diane: [gasps] How dare you slap me! Well you know what? That was the last straw! I'm above you, Sam. I will not take part in this shameful display any longer! [as she moves towards the door, she suddenly turns and kicks him in the shin]

Sam: [grabbing his shin and hopping up and down] I'm going to get you for this, Diane! [takes the ring out of his pocket] I'm taking it back! There is no way I'm going to be tied down by that kook! [leaves the office] You just did me a favor, Diane! [as he leaves, Rebecca enters]

Rebecca: Hi, Sam.

Sam: Leave me alone! [leaves]

Rebecca: [running over to Diane] So, what happened? Did he propose to you, yet?

Diane: [yelling after Sam] Oh yeah? Well I didn't want your stupid ring or you for a stupid husband! [she slumps down on the couch] No, he didn't! We tried to kill each other again...oooooh [drops her face on Rebecca's shoulder and begins to sob]

Rebecca: Hey is this...[picks up the Bugs Bunny salt-shaker] He got it! I was hoping he wouldn't forget. [smiles happily]

Diane: [wiping her eyes] That stupid thing was for you?

(Norm peaks in)

Norm: Sammy, can I talk to you about something? You know what it is.

Rebecca: [opening the box] This ridiculous salt-shaker. It's a gag gift for Carla's birthday. That's coming up, you know. I had Sam pick it up for me...and I told him to do it yesterday. I guess he forgot. [pause] Oh no! I bet I ruined the surprise. I saw Sam at the jeweler today and assumed he asked you already.

Originally posted by WilCap
(Norm peaks in)

Norm: Sammy, can I talk to you about something? You know what it is.

Rebecca: Sorry, Norm, but you missed him. He high tailed his keister out of here.


OOC: I have to get going now....I'll be back later, a.k.a tomorrow!

Norm: Well, make sure he finds me when he gets back

Diane: [frowning, To Rebecca] Well it's not a surprise anymore. Damnit - I ruined it. I really blew it this time. Oh why can't I just wait and accept for a proposal like other people?? Oh God! But I still think Sam was - was insensitive and crude. Oh but I guess I overreacted. But Sam didn't have to be so immature. Then again I did hit him first...but he shouldn't have hit back! Oh no - this is going to send me back to the sanita- [realizes it's Rebecca listening] sani...tation committee [laughs; Rebecca gives her a weird look]. It's an old joke...Oh I need to go home. I can't be here. I need to clear my mind and think about what just happened before I do something completely irrational. [To Norm] Norman, I'm taking the night off. [leaves]

(NOrm walks over to a customer)

Norm: I get no respect, all my employee's just walk out and leave like they are the boss. Well.. Except for Woody

Sam: [entering the bar in a huff] Norm! I've just about had it with you and everyone in this bar! [doesn't notice Diane anywhere] I want the bar back, you hear me?! [smack his forehead] I must have been out of my mind!

Diane: [walks in cautiously] ...Hello, everyone. [nods] Sam. [puts on her apron] Sam, I need to talk to you. I guess I owe you an apology.

Sam: [nodding] You do. [moves away from the bar] So, do you want to do your begging here or Shall we take it to MY office?

Diane: [rests her hand on her hip and says flatly] Let me be clear: I am not going to beg. But I'd rather you hear what I have to say in private. [they go in the office]. And you owe me an apology too! [stops herself, takes a deep breath] Come on, Diane, you can do this. Whew. All right. Let's be adults here. I'm sorry that I overreacted yesterday, when I thought you weren't going to propose. [mumbles] And I shouldn't have tried to strangle you.

Sam: How did you know I was going to propose, huh? For all you know I was just taking a long lunch break!

Diane: Oh come on, Sam. Do you really think you can outsmart me? First there was that transparent library excuse, then Norman and Rebecca were behaving in an awfully suspicious manner. And, of course, Rebecca TOLD me you were going to propose. Aww Sam, that was so sweet. I accept. [smiles]

Sam: [trying not to get crazy] What? I haven't even asked you the question, yet! How can you accept? And since when do you listen to Rebecca and Norm? [sits at his desk] This feels like déja vu.

Diane: So where's the ring, Sam? [extends her hand] And it wouldn't hurt if you said a few words to me. [tilts her head to the side and smiles]

Sam: Diane, don't do this to me...[stands up] Do you want to know the real reason I left? [Diane listens] I'll tell you. I was going to take the ring back because I felt like our spark had lost its flare.

Diane: [bitterly sarcastically] Well I expected something a little more romantic. So you weren't going to propose after all, were you?! So I was right. I'm taking my apology back! Goodbye, Mr. Malone! [she begins to open the door, but stops and sighs] I... thought we had something more than just a spark.

Sam: So did I. [turns around and looks at the ring, thinking that Diane left the room] I thought we would always be together. [closes the box, takes it to the filing cabinet, gets out the little memory box, opens it] What am I doing? Dia--[sees her standing there] Ah, nevermind.

Diane: Sam, it can't be over just like this, can it? All couples go through their trials and tribulations. Sure we've gone through hell together...a few times...boy is that ever an understatement. Well what I mean to say is...[smiles defiantly when she sees his box] You obviously can't live without me. [laughs smugly]

Sam: You see, Diane, [checks outside, making sure no one is listening at the door] I kept this box in memory of you. When you left me, I thought it was really over between us. You didn't come back for six years, because of your book. Now, you show up at the bar, again, I can't deny how I feel about you, you seem to feel the same way, so why not?

Diane: You're right, Sam. And I know I'm partly to blame for things going wrong between us. But, as Ibsen wrote, marriage is like "an agreement for the mutual forgiveness of sin." If you'll forgive me for my sins and I forgive you for yours - I think we can work. I really do, Sam. No matter how insane we make each other, no matter how many times we've tried to kill each other, no matter how many times we've made each other cry, how many years we've hated each other, well you get my point. [laughs; takes the rings from his box and gets down on one knee] Oh no this won't work. Just a minute. [gets a cushion off the couch, places it on the floor and then kneels] Sam, will you do me the honor of being my wi - I mean husband.

Sam: [laughs] Well, well, well, this is a change, isn't it? And I'm going to say...[looks into Diane's eyes]

Rebecca: [barges in] Oh my God, I have the best news any girl could wish for! Robin Colcord asked me to marry him. [sees Diane down on one knee] Uh, I think I'll come back later.

Sam: Well, she ruined the moment. Remind me to cut her paycheck in half. [laughs] Why does this always happen to us? You propose, I propose and someone, mainly Rebecca, comes in here without knocking...[locks the door] That's not going to happen again. [phone rings, Sam pulls the cord out] Sweetheart, I finally have you to myself. [pulls her up and kisses her] Yes, I'll marry you.

Diane: Oh, Sam, I'm the happiest I have ever been in my entire life! [they hug and kiss. looks down at her ring] Just so we don't let history repeat itself...this is the REAL ring, right? I mean - not that I care. I'm just happy that we're together - with or without an expensive rock. You're all that matters [pats his cheeks]. ...but it's real, right?

Sam: [puts his arm around her] Believe me, Diane. That is the real thing....oh, and we may have to budget our honeymoon or have a small wedding. [looks at the ring on her finger] That ring didn't pay for itself like the jeweler told me.

Diane: Yes, I'd like a small wedding. Maybe something outdoors...[in the bar, she sees Rebecca] Oh, congratulations, Rebecca! It seems like we both got what we wished for today [smiles at Sam].

Rebecca: Thank you, Diane. [to Sam] I have you to thank for it.

Sam: Me, why?

Rebecca: I called the credit card company and it seems that Robin Colcord bought a BMW, a Mercedes, Playboy's 2004 Summer Edition, two hundred beers, a dress, and that gag gift for Carla. Explain that, Sam.

Sam: I don't know anything....[Rebecca is staring him down] It was all Norm's idea.

Diane: Sam?? Did you and Norman steal his credit card? And Playboy?? Explain yourself, Mr. Malone.

Sam: Alright. This is what happened. Last night, you gave Norm the credit card to buy beers with, but instead, he wanted to own the bar. Norm generously offered to let me borrow the card to pay for the engagement ring for Diane, [looks at Diane] but by the time I got to the store, the card was canceled.

Rebecca: I don't remember giving Norm that credit card.

Sam: We realized that today when you thought you misplaced it.

Rebecca: And you didn't tell me you had it? I wasted my whole day looking for that card!

Sam: I'm sorry, Rebecca.

Rebecca: Well, I can't stay mad at you right now. Robin is taking me to Paris tonight.

Sam: So, how did I get you two love birds back together.

Rebecca: I called him and told him that his card was missing so he took me out to a candle lit dinner, and we realized that we still loved each other.

Sam: [sees Diane giving him a look of disgust] What? I apologized!

Diane: [shaking her finger at him] Petty theft if the gateway to greater moral decay! And stealing a credit card is far more serious than petty theft! How could you, Sam? And you were going to buy my ring with stolen money? If you're willing to do that, then who knows what other iniquitous acts you may be willing to commit!

Sam: Come on, Diane. I told you I lo--[Rebecca is smiling] What are you smiling at?

Rebecca: Justice. You're finally getting exactly what you deserve. [presents Diane] And here she is! [looks at a gold watch Robin gave her with diamonds surrounding it] Oh, look at the time. Robin's picking me up at eight, and we're going on his private jet to the most romantic place on earth.

Sam: [chuckles] That's what they all think.

Rebecca: You're disgusting, Sam Malone, but I'm not going to let that thought spoil my night. Goodbye, everyone!

Diane: Have a lovely time, Rebecca. [to Sam] Well you know what you have to do to redeem yourself, don't you?

Sam: Sleep with you?

Diane: Saaaam! No. You have to return all that stolen merchandise and either return the money to that Robin fellow or, if that proves difficult, give the money to charity. Really, Sam. I'm very disappointed in you. You know, if I didn't know to blame this on your innate stupidity, I, as an honest citizen, would have to tell the police about this.

Sam: [kisses her on the forehead] I just want you to know that I really want you right now, but I'll return the stuff.

Diane: Well...you better. [trying not to let her own hormones ruin the integrity of her moral stance] But... oh, say, just how long do you think that'll take? [looks at him from the corners of her eyes]

Sam: If you come with me, we'll save time. [kisses her neck gently]

Diane: Then let's hurry!

Sam: [kisses her passionately] Let's go. [Diane is breathless, but takes his hand and they leave hand in hand]

(Norm gets behind the bar and pulls out the card. He picks up the phone)

Norm: Yes, it this the Visa Place, yea, I would like to reinstore my Credit Card, I accidentally canceled it.

(He listens and person the number)

Norm: Thanks alot. Bye

(He hangs up phone and picks it up again)

Norm: Yea, is my BMW ready, and also, my friend was having a corvette worked on, well, that is in need of a hurry, I have got a big surprise for him

[Rebecca walked into the bar all in a slump]

Rebecca: [moans] Oh, God. I need a drink.

(Norm makes her some coffee)

Norm: Here ya go Rebecca

Rebecca: Thanks, Norm. [deep sigh, drinks] Have Frasier or Lilith been in here today? I really need to talk to them.

(Norm looks around)

Norm: Nope, haven't seen them. Do you know when Sam is getting here

Rebecca: [teasing up] I'll pay you to not say that name again.

Norm: Why, and how much?

Diane: [walks in] Good afternoon, everyone. Sorry I'm late - traffic was awful. [puts on her apron] So how is everybody?

Rebecca: [digusted] I'm not going to discuss this with you!