Diane: [gasp] Holy -...mother of God...[swallows] What happened? What hospital is he staying at? Oh you have to take me!

Random Customer: Hey! Where you going? We're thirsty!

Diane: Uhh...[adopts her public speaking voice] Attention everyone! An emergency has come up! Uh...[looks around for a familiar face] Norman over there will be in charge of the bar while I'm gone. [goes up to Norm] If anything goes wrong, I'm personally going to make sure the damages are added to your bar tab. [Norm just smiles].

Kelly: It's not far from here, I'll have the chaffeur take us. [they leave]

[At the hospital...]

Kelly: His room number is 219...

[Kelly led Diane into Sam's room. He was lying motionless with a few bandages in his head...]

Kelly: Isn't it sad? Woody loved him so much and now he looks dead.

Diane: Sam? What happened?

Sam: [groaning] Where am I? [sees Diane] In hell?

Kelly: Hi, Sam. It's Kelly, remember? Woody's wife? You were at our wedding.

Sam: Yeah, yeah. I remember. [to Diane] What are you doing here. You're supposed to be at the bar. [touches his head] I've got such a headache. What happned?

Kelly: You were in an accident. I believe it was a taxi that hit you.

Diane: Hell? With all these nurses running around, I would think you'd be in heaven! You were hit by a car?! Dear Lord - what were you doing? Nurse, is he going to be all right?

Nurse: Oh yeah - if a guy like that can't keep his hands off a nurse even when he's unconscious, I think he has a pretty good chance of recovery.

Kelly: It was really nice to meet you, Ms. Chambers, but I need to go find Woody. [to Sam] Take care, and next time whistle for a taxi.

[Kelly leaves]

Sam: [grinning] I thought I died and went to heaven when Ginger came in here. She fluffed my pillow for me. Melissa and Amy offered me magazines, but none were what I read. Heather and Molly just come in here every now and then to check up on me.

Diane: Aww...well I'm glad you're having fun. [sits on the foot of the bed and accidentally on purpose hits his bandaged foot] Oops! I'm sorry about that. So when are you getting out of here? Don't worry about the bar - I got someone to take charge for a while. Meanwhile...what were you thinking? Getting hit by a car? Did you forget to look both ways?

Sam: [trying to act all macho] I don't really know, Diane. I think I like it here. I have women at my beck and call. All I have to do is press this little red button and either Pam or Naomi will check up on me. [thinks for a moment] Diane, why did you come here?

Diane: [stops to think - trying to hurry up her thought process] Oh...well...uh naturally, Kelly came into the bar looking for Woody. Woody wasn't there, so I thought I should come by and check up on you - as your employee and friend. [trying to feign indifference] You know...to see how badly you screwed up this time. At least you're not dead - and, by the looks of it, didn't injure anything valuable.

Nurse: [overhearring] What do you mean? His head was almost fractured!

Diane: My point still stands [smirks].

Sam: Could you fluff my pillow, Diane?

Sam: Diane, why are you here? Did you just come by here to irritate the hell out of me?

Diane: [looks at him knowingly] Aren't there people who are paid to do that here?

Nurse: [looks at Sam suggestively] Lady, with him - we're the ones who should be paying [giggles].

Diane: [getting indignant, stops the Nurse] No, no...it's all right. I got it, thanks. [fluffs his pillow]. There you go. [sarcastically] Is that to your liking? And no I didnt' come here to irritate the hell out of you. I was uh...[walks around the bed] concerned...for your safety. That's all...

Diane: [mumbles] And...maybe some part of me...was afraid I'd lose you...again.

[BACK AT THE BAR]

Diane: [walks in and puts on her apron] Hello, everyone. Sam is at the hospital - he had a little accident, but he should be out in a few days. Norm, I hope you behaved. I'll take over now.

[Sees Frasier practically unconscious, slouching over the bar] Norman! How many beers did you let Frasier have?? [Norm just shrugs]

Woody- Hey everybody (looking around) Hey Dr.Crane is back! Where's Sam (still clueless about what happened)

Diane: Hello, Woody. I'm afraid Sam was in a little accident. He was run over by a taxi. But rest assured that he'll be fine - no serious injuries. [Tightening her lips] And he seems to be having a lot of fun with the nurses. So I guess you'll be in charge of the bar until he gets back [pats his arm and walks over to a customer].

Woody- Really..wow poor Sam. I'm in charge of the bar! (walks over trying to be macho) (to some random customer) I'm in charge of the bar.

Diane: Yes, Woody. Now don't let the power get to your head. Your saving grace as an attractive young man has always been that you've managed to retain a certain amount of innocence, humility and generosity. As Wordsworth once wrote, "That best portion of a good man’s life: his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love." [A lofty look about her] It's not a man's position, status or rank that matters - not even his physique - but what matter are his heart, his intentions, his-

Customer: Hey, lady! We're thirsty!

Diane: Ah. Three beers, Woody.

Woody- Sure thing Ms.Chambers (pouring beers) you know Ms.Chambers half the time I don't really understand what you're saying but it sounds smart so I just nod my head. You see my philosophy is if you nod and smile no one can ever look at you like your stupid because when you agree with everyone someone is right so you're never wrong.

Diane: Well that's a very logical argument. It's like Aristotelian syllogistics - [Woody looks at her, smiles and nods] ah, never mind.

Woody- (keeps noding and smiling) that's a good point Ms.Chambers.

Diane: Yes....thanks. [takes the beers to the table].

Kelly: [walks into the bar, sits down at the bar] Could I have a chardonnay?

Diane: Hello, Kelly. I'll get that for you.

Kelly: Thank you, Ms. Chambers. Woody told me a few stories about you and Sam last night. You two sounded very much in love.

Diane: [laughs nervously] Oh, well...that was before - mostly we drove each other insane. But I like to think we've both matured now and that we can both enjoy each others company in a purely amicable manner. Speaking of Sam - I thought I'd drop by the hospital today.

Kelly: Good idea. Me and Woody might stop by later on. Daddy is supposed to have this party on his yacht this weekend, but since all this happened, I don't think I could go out into the water.

Diane: All right. [Looks at her watch] Oh visiting hours will be over soon. I better hurry. [To Woody and Carla] I'm taking a short break, everyone. Bye! [Woody smiles and waves, Carla looks as if she's going to kill her].

[AT THE HOSPITAL]

Diane: [entering the room] Hello, Sam. I brought you some reading material. [lays down a bunch of really boring-looking magazines] Oh don't worry - a few of them have lots of big colorful pictures.

Sam: Thanks, Diane. [looks at her] I want to apologize for the way I acted yesterday. I said some things that I didn't really mean. [sighs] You're my only visitor. I thought at least I'd see Carla or Woody, but it's just been you...and Kelly, of course, but she never really was a close friend like y--You know what I mean, right?

Diane: [sits down at the foot of the bed] Of course, Sam. Appology accepted. If we can't reach out and help somebody in a time of need, lend them a helping hand, open our hearts to their suffering - then how can we call ourselves human beings? There is beauty in nature - and there is beauty in human nature [she notices Sam pretending to nod off].
Oh find, I'll stop. Oh I almost forgot to tell you. Everybody else at the bar misses you and wishes you a quick recovery. Look - they told me to send you this [rumages through her purse and pulls out a napkin with messages scribbled all over it and gives it to him] Those are all their get well messages. Norm was in charge of that - so you can imagine why he didn't want to leave his stool to buy you a proper card. Remember - it's the thought that counts.

Sam: Aw, that's really nice. [looks at it] What did you put on there?

Diane: They didn't let me finish my message [pouts]. They said I would take up the whole napkin. So all I got in was this. [she stands up to read it] "Dear Sam , As an old professor of mine used to say, 'illness is the road to self-enlightenment: the weaker we get physically, the stronger we get emotionally.' I for one believe - " Right there is when Carla gave me an Indian-burn and pulled the pen out of my hand. What I was GOING to write is that I hope you get better soon and that I'm glad we didn't lose you...I didn't lose you. For it is precisely in the moment we believe we're going to lose something, that we realize its ultimate importance in our lives. Yours Truly, Diane Chambers. [takes a little bow]

Lilith [walks into Sam's room]: Dear God. What did you do?

ooc- Whew! I haven't had electricity since Friday!

Diane: Lilith! [gives her a hug - Lilith stiffens at the touch of course] He was hit by a taxi, can you believe it?

Sam: That was [clears throat] beautifully written, Diane. [sees Lilith] Hey there, doc. Where's Frasier? Oh, wait, I forgot. You're not married to him anymore. I guess this bump on my head is really getting to me.

Lilith: Hello Diane.

[looks at Sam]

You've been hit by a taxi? How could it not avoid your cologne?

Diane: [laughs] But I can understand how it failed to avoid his head. After all, air is so intangible.

Sam: Now, Lilith, it couldn't have been my cologne. I specificly wore "Dark Ecstasy" before leaving the bar.

Lilith: Ecstasy? [Lilith "laugh"]

Diane: Ha. I know - maybe the cab driver was one of your chirpy little love bunnies and was instantly drawn to your scent. Just who were you trying to impress, hm?

Woody-(Woody and Kelly walk in) Oh my gosh Sam. Are you alright

Diane: Oh wonderful you could make it, Woody! Did you leave Carla in charge of the bar?

Originally posted by DianeDiane
Diane: Ha. I know - maybe the cab driver was one of your chirpy little love bunnies and was instantly drawn to your scent. Just who were you trying to impress, hm?

Lilith: A lawn gnome maybe?

Woody- Yeah Carla's in charge. She poured beer on my head and told me to leave.

Sam: I was not trying to impress anyone. I just like to smell good.

[sees Woody and Kelly]

Kelly: Hi again, Sam.

Sam: Hey, you guys didn't have to come see me. [winks at Diane]

Woody- Of course I came to see you Sam. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't come see my best buddie in the hospital.

Originally posted by CheersChild4life
Woody- Yeah Carla's in charge. She poured beer on my head and told me to leave.

Sam: That's my girl. [smiles]

Diane: [winks back at Sam] Yes, people. Sam here didn't want any of you to know that he was feeling rather neglected by his friends. Well now everyone's here to cheer you up, huh?

Lilith: Actually Diane, I'm here to see my patients.

Sam: I'm not used to all this attention, unless it's a women's convention or something.

Diane: [To Lilith] Oh! I thought you may have heard something at the bar - oh then that must mean you haven't been at the bar lately. Which means...you probably don't know that Frasier's back in town. Unless he called you - did he?

Originally posted by DianeDiane
Diane: Oh! I thought you may have heard something at the bar - oh then that must mean you haven't been at the bar lately. Which means...you probably don't know that Frasier's back in town. Unless he called you - did he?

Lilith: No. I..didn't know. Frasier's back? Dammit.

Diane: Yes...I wouldn't ordinarily divulge this type of information - but I feel I must. Frasier looks rather...disheveled and depressed. He's certainly not at his best.

Sam: Woody, watch this. See this little red button? [presses it, and two nurses come in...]

Pam: Are you alright, Mr. Malone?

Sam: I'm fine, and call me Sam.

Cindy: Hi, Sam.

Sam: [surprised] Cindy! I didn't know you were a nurse.

Cindy: A candy stripper. I've got some of your favorite magazines that I brought from home when I heard you were here...Playboy and Penthouse...[giggles]

Sam: [remembers Diane is there and hides the magazines] Uh, I'll read them later. Thanks, Cindy.

Cindy: Do you want me to fluff your pillows?

Sam: That would be nice.

Cindy: [leans over him, her breast close to his face] This is like old times.

Woody- Yeah Dr.Crane passed out over the bar the other night.

Lilith: Cindy, please go check on...someone else. I can take care of Mr. Malone.

Originally posted by Princess Feenster
Sam: Woody, watch this. See this little red button? [presses it, and two nurses come in...]

Pam: Are you alright, Mr. Malone?

Sam: I'm fine, and call me Sam.

Cindy: Hi, Sam.

Sam: [surprised] Cindy! I didn't know you were a nurse.

Cindy: A candy stripper. I've got some of your favorite magazines that I brought from home when I heard you were here...Playboy and Penthouse...[giggles]

Sam: [remembers Diane is there and hides the magazines] Uh, I'll read them later. Thanks, Cindy.

Cindy: Do you want me to fluff your pillows?

Sam: That would be nice.

Cindy: [leans over him, her breast close to his face] This is like old times.

Woody- Well I bet you like it here Sam don't you

Diane: Oh...so this is Cindy with the law degree?

Originally posted by DianeDiane
Diane: Yes...I wouldn't ordinarily divulge this type of information - but I feel I must. Frasier looks rather...disheveled and depressed. He's certainly not at his best.

Lilith: Did he say anything about Chicago?

Cindy: [getting up] Ok...are you a doctor?

Originally posted by Princess Feenster
Cindy: [getting up] Ok...are you a doctor?

Lilith: Yes, and I think there's a patient in room 405 that could use your assistance. He's in a coma. Why don't you see what you can do? [rolls eyes]

Diane: Oh...so this is Cindy with the law degree?

Sam: Uh, yeah. [smiles] She's taking on both professions. Didn't I tell you that already? [nervous laugh] But, uh, why does it matter? You've got [makes a nasally child-like mock of his name] Dennis.

Originally posted by BebeSternin
Lilith: Did he say anything about Chicago?

Diane: Well it seems to me that his job in Chicago fell through...as did his love-life, for that matter.

Originally posted by BebeSternin
Lilith: Yes, and I think there's a patient in room 405 that could use your assistance. He's in a coma. Why don't you see what you can do? [rolls eyes]

Woody- I can help I had an uncle who was in a coma for 8 years. We waved a porkchop in his face and he was up faster than the cows at miling time

Originally posted by DianeDiane
Diane: Well it seems to me that his job in Chicago fell through...as did his love-life, for that matter.

Lilith: Really?

Cindy: [high Barbie-like squeal] Ok! I'll be seeing you, Sam. [leaves]

Originally posted by Princess Feenster
Sam: Uh, yeah. [smiles] She's taking on both professions. Didn't I tell you that already? [nervous laugh] But, uh, why does it matter? You've got [makes a nasally child-like mock of his name] Dennis.

Diane: [in a patronizing voice] Oh, Sam. Are we interpreting my concern for your emotional life as jealousy? He who points the finger is most likely guilty of the crime! [laughs] And I'll have you know that Dennis and I are no longer an item. He was far too immature for me. Reminded me of someone I once knew.

Woody- (Looking at watch) Oh Kelly we better go we're gunna be late for that party you're dragging me to. (Kelly and Woody leave)

Sam: Diane, I'm mature! Woody, remember? I retired all my fart jokes and my armpit orchestra.

Originally posted by BebeSternin
Lilith: Really?

Diane: Bye Woody! [nods to Lilith] I'm afraid...he's a miserable wreck. If only he'd stop drinking so much - maybe then he could have enough clarity of speech to tell us more about what happened.

Lilith: Sam, it's interesting that you assume she's talking about you.

Originally posted by BebeSternin
Lilith: Sam, it's interesting that you assume she's talking about you.

Diane: [smiles cleverly] Yes...isn't that interesting, Sam?

Originally posted by DianeDiane
Diane: Bye Woody! [nods to Lilith] I'm afraid...he's a miserable wreck. If only he'd stop drinking so much - maybe then he could have enough clarity of speech to tell us more about what happened.

Lilith: Maybe he'll talk to me....

Kelly: Bye, Ms. Chambers! [leaves with Woody]

Diane: Bye bye, Kelly. [To Lilith] Why don't you come by the bar today, Lilith? Maybe Frasier will be there again.

[Two weeks later....Sam enters the bar and everyone is there to greet him]

Sam: I'm back. [smiles]

Diane: Welcome back, Sam! They must have forced you out of there with all those nurses running around. Do you miss the pampering? [smirks]

Sam: No worries, I wrote down their phone numbers.

Diane: [grins] Ahhh. Fresh notches for that old belt. At least that old thing is aging WITH you.

Lilith: How's Cindy?

Sam: Where's a mirror? I still look the same hunk you fell for-- and the women fell to my feet. [searches for a mirror]

Originally posted by BebeSternin
Lilith: How's Cindy?

Sam: Funny you should ask. She's stopping my the bar later tonight for some Sammy Al fresco. [grins]

Diane: Well of course you'd expect these girls to "fall" at your feet - they're so young they've barely had time to master the art of walking. Ohhh and I'm so glad Cindy's coming by. I'd love to hear what she thinks about the controversy over that recent Supreme Court ruling.

Lilith: I love how Sam's the only one who calls himself those ridiculous things.

Originally posted by DianeDiane
Diane: Well of course you'd expect these girls to "fall" at your feet - they're so young they've barely had time to master the art of walking. Ohhh and I'm so glad Cindy's coming by. I'd love to hear what she thinks about the controversy over that recent Supreme Court ruling.


Sam: Damnit, Diane! Can't you be happy for me once in your life?! [storms into his office]

Diane: [puts on a comical frown] Uh-oh. Looks like somebody is a little grumpy! I'll take this one. [knocks on the door and goes in before he can say no]. I'm sorry, Sam. But you have to admit that was a pretty dumb lie. I mean - even for you.

Sam: [sighs] Diane, close the door and have a seat. I need to get somethings out in the open, before you or I say something we might regret later on.

Diane: Oh? All right...[closes the door and sits down. Just as he's about to say something, she suddenly sends him a pitiful look and interrupts him] You're not going to fire me again, are you? Because if you are - I'd rather you do it quickly.

Originally posted by DianeDiane
Diane: Oh? All right...[closes the door and sits down. Just as he's about to say something, she suddenly sends him a pitiful look and interrupts him] You're not going to fire me again, are you? Because if you are - I'd rather you do it quickly.

Sam: Of course not, Diane. [stands up] You see, being in the hospital got me thinking about life in general. I've done most anything a young sprout like myself could dream of...I've owned a bar, had some pretty magnificent women, lost a bar to a woman who couldn't stand me, jumped out of an airplane, flown to Seattle, got back the bar, I have lots of friends...but there's just one thing I regret to this day, though it took a taxi hitting me to realize it...[puts his hands on his face] Diane, I never told you this, but--

Rebecca barges in.

Rebecca: I'm sorry, Sam, but I didn't have any other place to go. [sees Diane] Hello, oh, did I interrupt something? I'm such a goofball. I'll come back later..

Sam: Do you need to talk?

Rebecca: [almost wanting to cry] It can wait. [leaves]

Diane: But what? What, damn it, what?! [realizes Rebecca is crying very loudly outside] What is she doing here?

Sam: How the hell should I know? That woman has impeccable timing. [upset face] Why don't we just leave her out there. She probably wants the bar back...well I'm not going to give her the satisfaction! [takes Diane by the hand] Can you do me a favor?

Diane: [looks at him suspiciously] What kind of favor?

Diane: [looks at him suspiciously] What kind of favor?

Sam: [laughs] It's not what you think. I just want you to talk to Rebecca, woman to woman.

Diane: Oh..[smiles] Oh! Of course, Sam. Now you finally admit that I have a natural talent for solving people's problems! Bring her to me.

Originally posted by DianeDiane
Diane: Oh..[smiles] Oh! Of course, Sam. Now you finally admit that I have a natural talent for solving people's problems! Bring her to me.

Sam: As I recall, you had a talent for other things, outside the bar, if you know what I mean. [grins]

Diane: [blushes and laughs] Keep your hormones in check for a few minutes, there. Where is Rebecca?

Sam: Rebecca, step into my office.

Rebecca: I thought you and--

Sam: Diane Chambers...

Rebecca: I thought I was bothering you two. [sniffles]

Sam: Of course not. Come talk to Diane, I have to look after the bar.

Rebecca: Sam, do you think I'm pretty?

Sam: Yes, Rebecca, you're gorgeous. [leads her into the office]

Diane: Hello, Rebecca. I see you're very upset. Now the first thing to do is to...release your emotions. Let it all out.

Rebecca: I don't know if I can...[high squeal cry] It's just so humiliating! [cries]

Diane: Ha- something tells me you've done this part before. Now let's move on to the second phase. Tell me in words what your problem is. In one sentence.

Rebecca: I don't think I'm attractive, anymore.

Lilith [walks into Sam's office]: Rebecca, you look upset.

Diane: Oh! Don't be silly! Looks don't matter! Lilith - tell her how much looks don't matter.

Lilith: Rebecca, I think there's a deeper problem here. Can you tell me what's been going on?

Diane: All that matters, Rebecca, is how you feel about yourself. Now when I went to a Buddhist retreat a few years ago, I had the most extraordinary experience when- [she stops just as Lilith sends her an annoyed glance]. Well this is more your area.

Lilith: Rebecca, I think there's a deeper problem here. Can you tell me what's been going on?

Rebecca: Well, it's like this...I've been seeing this guy for a few months, and last night at dinner he told me that I need a face lift. I've never been told that before and I'm very self-conscious about my appearance. [gets a bag of oreos from her purse and starts eatting them, notices her chest] Am I sagging, too? [wailing cry]

Diane: Oh, that cretin! Well it's obvious he doesn't deserve a woman like you. You can do so much better, Rebecca.

Originally posted by Princess Feenster
Rebecca: Well, it's like this...I've been seeing this guy for a few months, and last night at dinner he told me that I need a face lift. I've never been told that before and I'm very self-conscious about my appearance. [gets a bag of oreos from her purse and starts eatting them, notices her chest] Am I sagging, too? [wailing cry]

Lilith: I don't think you need a face lift.

Now that we have that out of the way.

So, you're obviously still self-conscious about your weight...

Woody-(walking into the bar) Oh Sam I had to get out of there. That place was so crowded. After all the parties with Kelly I've been to that's only the fourth one I've lost her at. Way to many people. So what's going on here?

Lilith: Hello Woody. Rebecca's getting a face lift. [walks out of office]

Why can't I ever get a drink in this damn bar?

Lilith: I don't think you need a face lift.

Now that we have that out of the way.

So, you're obviously still self-conscious about your weight...

Rebecca: Oh, God, my weight. [looks at her oreo, spits out the cookie, which gets on Lilith and Diane] Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I don't normally do that.

Originally posted by BebeSternin
Lilith:
Why can't I ever get a drink in this damn bar?

Woody- Well gee Dr.Sternin all you had to do was ask.

[Still in the Office]

Diane: [trying to wipe off the spit]...not at all...Listen, Rebecca, we all go through these insecurities. [laughs] Even I worry about the way I look every now and then. Yes, it's true. You know, a few weeks ago I was at a party and this gentleman asked me what a 30-year-old young thing like me was doing at an "old people's party" [laughs]. And you can't imagine how that affected me - people used to think I was in my 20s!

Sam: Hey, Woody. I sympathize with you. Try spending hours in a museum.

Originally posted by CheersChild4life
Woody- Well gee Dr.Sternin all you had to do was ask.

Lilith: Scotch Woody.

Anyone see Frasier recently?

Woody- (poors Dr Sternin a scotch) See now that wasn't so hard was it.

Rebecca: [sniffle] I miss Robin Colcord. Now that man was rich and he adored me, but Sam told me he was cheating on me with another woman, so I confronted Robin. He not only had that bimbo, but another slut in France. I threw all dignity aside and fought to be number one on his list...and I was. Later, he left me for a Swedish barmaid...just my luck. [throws her head down on the desk] Why am I such a loser?

Originally posted by CheersChild4life
Woody- (poors Dr Sternin a scotch) See now that wasn't so hard was it.

Lilith: Woody, you just got here. And Sam was in his office with Diane, and why the hell am I explaining this to you?

Sam: [to Lilith] Hey, what's that black mushy stuff on your blouse? Did a bird poop on you?

Originally posted by Princess Feenster
Rebecca: [sniffle] I miss Robin Colcord. Now that man was rich and he adored me, but Sam told me he was cheating on me with another woman, so I confronted Robin. He not only had that bimbo, but another slut in France. I threw all dignity aside and fought to be number one on his list...and I was. Later, he left me for a Swedish barmaid...just my luck. [throws her head down on the desk] Why am I such a loser?

Lilith; Rebecca, you're only a loser if you think you are. And you obviously think you are. And you only think you are because of you're childhood weight, which causes you to care so deeply as to what others think of you-

Originally posted by BebeSternin
Lilith: Woody, you just got here. And Sam was in his office with Diane, and why the hell am I explaining this to you?

Woody- Go on Dr.Sternin I was listening. See tha's one of the traits you pick up as a bartender.

Diane: Oh Rebecca...aren't we all losers if we believe ourselves to be? One can only lose one's spirit if one is willing to give it away. Now why don't you come out in the bar with me. There's no point in having you cry in here all night. Come on - I'm sure there are plenty of men out there who are ten times better than that Robin.
[They go out to the bar]

Originally posted by Princess Feenster
Sam: [to Lilith] Hey, what's that black mushy stuff on your blouse? Did a bird poop on you?

Lilith: It's Oreo.

[to Woody]: Nevermind, it's not important.

Woody- Soooo has anyone seen Norm and Cliff?

Lilith: Or Frasier?

Woody- The last time I saw Dr.Crane he was nearly passed out over the bar rambling on about all the weman who left him. It was one of the longest lists I've ever heard. He could have went on for hours.

Diane: That's odd...they usually don't like to waste a minute of their time away from this bar. And Frasier has been in here every night this week. I wonder what's keeping them...

Rebecca: [coming out of Sam's office] You know, that used to be my office. [runs into the bathroom crying]

Sam: [gets close to Diane] Hey, Diane, what the matter with Reb--[sniffs] Wow, that perfume smells nice.

[to Lilith] Can I get you a towel to clean that stuff off?

Lilith: But it's not Norm and Cliff I'm worried about.

Originally posted by Princess Feenster
Rebecca: [coming out of Sam's office] You know, that used to be my office. [runs into the bathroom crying]

Sam: [gets close to Diane] Hey, Diane, what the matter with Reb--[sniffs] Wow, that perfume smells nice.

[to Lilith] Can I get you a towel to clean that stuff off?

Lilith: That would be nice Sam.

Diane: Yes, you see, Sam? You can smell my perfume when you're close - not miles away from me. It's called subtlety.

Lilith: That would be nice Sam.

Sam: [hands her a towel] Would you like me to--nah...[turns away] I'm not that desperate.

Originally posted by DianeDiane
Diane: Yes, you see, Sam? You can smell my perfume when you're close - not miles away from me. It's called subtlety.

Sam: [grins] Why don't you bring your subtlety into my office?

Diane: [seeing him back away from Lilith] Wow, Sam. I'm impressed! Maybe that little accident actually triggered a few neurons! [after being invited into his office] Well it was just a theory. No, thank you, Sam. I have customers waiting.

Customer: We're past waiting. We've started to decompose.

Sam: [playfully] Damn. But if you do get a moment, there is something I need to get off my chest.

Diane: [thinks for a moment. looks at her customers and says to them] Well if you can wait an hour, you can wait a few more minutes. All right, Sam. What is it?

Sam: [takes her into his office] Diane, there was something I was wanting to tell you before Rebecca came in here and interrupted...but Diane, [takes her hand] would you have dinner at Melville's with me? I think it's time that I take a mature approach to life. No more burger barns or women's mud fight tournaments for me. I want for us to have a fresh start. [stops himself] I know, I know. Dumb idea, but I had to ask you before leaving the bar, incase I get hit, and don't get lucky.

Diane: [smiling] Why, Sam! Comparatively speaking, that was the most eloquent declaration I've ever heard from you. I would gladly have dinner with you. Oh, I would be lying if I told you some part of me didn't wish this would happen once I walked into this bar a few weeks ago. But of course, I think given our past mistakes as a couple, we should take a more cautious approach...[she looks up at him...and now has one thing on her mind] Of course...we're so much wiser now...I guess it wouldn't hurt to go a little faster than I planned...

Lilith [walks into office]: Sorry to interupt, but I'd like to stop Diane from doing something incredibly stupid-

Diane: [listening to Lilith but without taking her eyes off Sam] ...sorry, Lilith...it may be a little too late for that...

Diane: [smiling] Why, Sam! Comparatively speaking, that was the most eloquent declaration I've ever heard from you. I would gladly have dinner with you. Oh, I would be lying if I told you some part of me didn't wish this would happen once I walked into this bar a few weeks ago. But of course, I think given our past mistakes as a couple, we should take a more cautious approach...[she looks up at him...and now has one thing on her mind] Of course...we're so much wiser now...I guess it wouldn't hurt to go a little faster than I planned...

Sam: [smiles] The old Sam Malone would have asked to skip dinner and go straight for dessert, [laughs] but those days are over now. And I still care about you, Diane...[stops for a moment] Wow. I actually said it this time. [takes her hand] Want to go up there at 7p or... now?

Lilith: But Diane, if I remember correctly, wasn't it Sam that sent you to an insane asylum?

Sam: Lilith, don't you have somewhere else to go? Like back in the freezer?

Diane: [snaps out of her trance hearing Sam say those words] My God! This is beyond anything I ever expected from you. Lilith, he's obviously a changed man. I'm deeply touched, Sam. Yes, any time soon sounds fine. Awww...you really are my fella. [laughs] To think I of all people was about to suggest we skip dinner!

Originally posted by Princess Feenster
Sam: Lilith, don't you have somewhere else to go? Like back in the freezer?

Lilith: Don't you have some cologne to put on, or some hair to spray?

Sam: Diane, I want us to take things slow...I just had to tell you how I felt before I drove myself crazy.

Originally posted by BebeSternin
Lilith: Don't you have some cologne to put on, or some hair to spray?

Sam: Listen, lady, didn't they teach you how to knock at that school that teaches all their students to walk around like they have surgical coat hangers holding them up?

Lilith: Damn that felt good!

[goes back into bar]

Scotch please..somebody.

Diane: [stops in her tracks and turns around to face Sam] What do you mean drive yourself crazy!! What are you implying??

Sam: Hey, Lilith, [yells out the door] DON'T WALK AWAY WHEN I'M INSULTING YOU!

Woody-(pours Lilith a scotch) I don't mean to seem nosy or anything but what's going on in there?

Originally posted by DianeDiane
Diane: [stops in her tracks and turns around to face Sam] What do you mean drive yourself crazy!! What are you implying??

Sam: I'm just saying that I had these feelings for you when you came back to this bar that I tried to erase, but couldn't. HA! That's why I kept locking myself in my office a few weeks back.

Originally posted by CheersChild4life
Woody-(pours Lilith a scotch) I don't mean to seem nosy or anything but what's going on in there?

Lilith: Sam and Diane appear to be back together. Sam and I are..not on speaking terms, and Rebecca is fat. Oh, and I appear to still be covered in Oreos. Not to mention the fact that I'm spending waaaaaay too much time here. 'nother scotch Woody.

Diane: [puzzled expression melting into a smile] Oh, then that's very romantic, Sam.

Rebecca: [comes out of the bathroom] I need to go home and take a valium. [leaves]

Originally posted by DianeDiane
Diane: [puzzled expression melting into a smile] Oh, then that's very romantic, Sam.

Sam: Listen, I need to run home and take a shower. I'll meet you here at 7p, ok? [sings on his way out the door]


OOC: Ok, I'm taking off for the night! See ya tomorrow!

Diane: I'll be waiting right here [ gives him a kiss]. And try to be economical with the cologne...if you can.

Originally posted by BebeSternin
Lilith: Sam and Diane appear to be back together. Sam and I are..not on speaking terms, and Rebecca is fat. Oh, and I appear to still be covered in Oreos. Not to mention the fact that I'm spending waaaaaay too much time here. 'nother scotch Woody.

Woody- Oh (pours Lilith another scotch) Dr.Sternin why don't you go find Dr.Crane. He's a wreck just like you. You guys could make eachother feel better. But wipe off the oreo first.

Sam: [returning with a smile] This may sound mushy, and I don't care, but Diane, you make me happy!

[leaves]

Lilith: I never said I was a wreck. Just, miserable. [starts to Lilith "sob"]

Diane: Oh, Sam! What a guy, huh?[humming happily to herself] Ah [sighs] it is possible to experience bliss without ignorance. [stops to think] I hope Frasier's still in town...

Woody- Oh Dr.Sternin I didn't mean to make you cry. Here take this. (takes away scotch and gives her some coffe)

Diane: [whispers to Woody] Is Lilith crying or does she have something in her eye?

Originally posted by DianeDiane
Diane: [whispers to Woody] Is Lilith crying or does she have something in her eye?

Woody-I'm not sure Ms.Chambers but I'm pretty sure she's crying. Ms.Chambers you better go. I' got this handled.

[Lilith continues "sobbing"]

Diane: Ok, Woody. Thanks. I'm going to go freshen up for...my date [giggles]. I'll see you all in the morning. And Lilith...take care of yourself.

Wody- Bye Ms.Chambers![to Lilith] I've got to get back to Kelly and I can't leave you here. I'll drop you off at your house on my way to get Kelly.

Lilith [composes herself]: I think I'm going to go home too-I haven't seen Frederick all day. Woody, if Frasier comes in, tell him to go to hell. [leaves]

Woody-Sure thing Dr.Sternin! I gotta get back to Kelly! I better lock up first.

(Norm comes back from the back room)

Norm: That Phil sure knows how to play darts. He almost hit paul straight in the forhead. So, what have I missed?

Diane: [walks in] Hello, Norman. [stops to think] ....Why is it I keep getting the impression that you don't even bother to go home at night anymore? [puts on her apron]

Norm: Vera is out of town, so I am taking the advantage of that

Woody- Hey Mr.Peterson! How's a beer sound?

Diane: So, Woody. Been to any interesting social events with Kelly lately?

Woody- Yeah last night Kelly dragged me to some party on a yacht. It was jam packed I ended up loosing Kelly.

Diane: Wow...well that's too bad. But you know what they say - love is like a plant: it wouldn't grow at all if it did not have to reach out to its only true love, the sun.

Woody- (just nodding and smiling)...So Ms.Chamber how was Sam and yours date?

Diane: [smiles] Well dinner was pretty perfect. Sam was the perfect gentleman. I couldn't have asked for anything more, you know? ...But once we got back to my hotel...somebody happened to be waiting for me in my room...oh, I could have killed Dennis for showing up like that unannounced! You can imagine how the rest of the evening went. Sam was furious - he stormed out of there before I even had time to explain! Good God - I felt like I was in the middle of some cheap Harlequin romance novel!

Woody- Well Ms.Chambers did you ever think maybe you hurt Dennis when you left him? And then for him to find you with Sam.

Diane: Well...that's not even my biggest problem right now. Dennis has always been a little...on the dim side, if you know what I mean...maybe you don't, but try to follow. You see, when I broke up with Dennis over the phone a couple of weeks ago...he didn't quite understand me. When I told him, in the words of a famous Elizabethan poet, that I was leaving him, he interpreted that to mean I wanted him to fly over here and surprise me. So when Sam showed up...he was under the mistaken impression that I had never broken up with Dennis at all....

Woody- Oh I see Ms.Chambers. So is Sam mad at you too?

Diane: Well I assume he is - I haven't seen him all day and he isn't picking up his phone at home. I would have run after him last night if it weren't for that mullet head who wouldn't leave my room! I spent all night trying to explain to him that I was breaking up with him. It got to the point where I had to literally draw him a picture! I just hope I can talk to Sam soon...before he does something drastic.

Woody- Don't worry Ms.Chambers I'm sure Sam will be in soon.

Diane: Well, at least one person will appreciate this mess: Carla.

Sam: [whistling a happy tune] Hello, everyone! [takes a deep breath and sighs] I'll be in my office...[slams the door]

Diane: Oh dear...[cautiously opens his office door] Sam...I know you're upset - you never gave me a chance to explain what really happened!

Sam: [grumbling] There is nothing to explain. [picking up a magazine and unfolding the pages] I know what you were trying to do. You were just using me to make Dennis jealous.

Diane: Sam! That's not- [rips the magazine out of his hand] At least look at me when I'm speaking to you! That was absolutely NOT my intention! How shallow do you think I am?

Originally posted by DianeDiane
Diane: Sam! That's not- [rips the magazine out of his hand] At least look at me when I'm speaking to you! That was absolutely NOT my intention! How shallow do you think I am?


Sam: I'm not really sure about that, anymore! You know, you probably think this is real cute playing with my emotions, but I'm not going to take it like I used to. [gets up and opens the door] Now, [points outside] get out of here, before I send you to an early grave!

Diane: You better change that tone of voice or I'll be sending YOU limping back to that hospital - and I'll make sure you only get the male nurses! HA! And as for toying with your emotions - I never never wanted to do that Sam. I HAD broken up with Dennis, but he was too stupid to understand! And if you don't believe me, then you're just as stupid as he is!

Sam: So, now you're calling me stupid, huh? Well, do you know what I want to do?

Diane: Tell me! I'd love to hear what masterful plan your feeble mind has concocted!

Sam: What I really want to do is this...[kisses her unexpectedly and breaks away] Now how was that, baby?

Diane: [suddenly pulls away] You didn't even listen to my explanation! This is just like you to interrupt me in the middle of an argument and I think- [suddenly grabs him and kisses him] - that that's rotten! [realizes what she just did and laughs awkwardly]

Sam: Damnit! Why am I feeling what I'm feeling? I was supposed to be over you! This--I can't--God! [kisses her and they fall on the couch]

Diane:Oh, Sam - stop trying to fight it! We both know you [kiss] love [kiss] me. And I'll forgive you if you admit that you shouldn't have run off like that last night and should have given me a chance to explain. [smiles and moves in for another kiss]

Sam: You want me to say those three words, don't ya? Well, ok...Diane, I L--Damn! I practiced and everything! [hits his head on the wall] Maybe it just wasn't meant to be...I really can't help--I fell in love with you the moment I laid eyes on you 22 years ago. You put on that little apron and I just wanted to take it off..along with some other things...

Diane: [blushes and pushes him playfully, forgetting he's still recovering from the accident, and he falls off the couch *ouch*] Oh I'm sorry! [joins him sitting on the floor] Sam, I have to admit I...always carried a torch for you too...Dennis was nothing but a pathetic attempt to replace you in my life.

Sam: Why do we do this to each other? We fight and fight, and all we really want to do is kiss... [grins] Have sex. [puts his palm to his eye] Am I making any sense?

Diane: Yes, you do...hey, I have a brilliant idea...why don't we run over to my hotel and...[Sam gets all excited but Diane suddenly hesitates] Wait a minute, Sam. Is that all this is? Sex?

Sam: [laying on his side, taking her hand and saying "smoothly"] Oh, no. Of course not, Diane. We can make love and not call it sex, right?

Diane: [pulls her hand away and frowns] No! Sam, isn't there anything else between us other than physical urges...sexual tension...[as she says these things she gets lost in his eyes again, moves in for another kiss but pulls herself together] Good Lord! We can't even have a normal conversation without hormones getting in the way!

Sam: I like it, Diane. [kisses her, unbuttons her blouse] We can [kisses her neck] just stay right here and...[stops] Oh my God, Diane. [gets up] I need to get out of here before I do something stupid again...that's what I do best, right? [leaves his office]

Diane: [melting in his arms - but puzzled when he drops her] Talk about ruining the mood! [then it dawns on her] Oh! [she runs after Sam in the bar] Sam, that's it! We just need to avoid physical contact until we prove to ourselves that there's something deeper between us.

Sam: [snaps his finger] You know, Diane, I think you've got something there...we'll avoid physical contact for, say, a week?

Diane: ...a week...[suddenly realizes her blouse is partly unbuttoned, she buttons it up and clears her throat] Ok...a week would be fine. All right, it's a deal, Sam [she shakes his hand and starts to get that feeling again...pulls it away and laughs] NO physical contact whatsoever!

Sam: [stammers on words] Of course not. We'll just stay clear of each other for one week...[looks at her seductively, but turns away] Uh, you can go now. Wait tables, whatever.

Diane: Yes, sir! Absolutely! [goes over to a customer] What can I do for you, sir? I mean - what can I get you?

Customer: An Irish coffee please. Oh - and I want lots and lots of whipped cream, if you will.

Diane: Right away...[hesitantly goes back to the bar] Sam...[avoiding his eyes] That gentleman would like an Irish coffee...with [breathes deeply] lots and lots of...fluffy...whipped...cream...

Sam: [leans over the counter to her] Oh God, Diane. I want to kiss you right now....[stops himself] Take over the bar, sweethear--I mean, Diane. I need a cold shower. [leaves the bar]


OOC: Ok, I'll be back tomorrow afternoon...heehee!

Diane: [fanning herself] Certainly, Mr. Malone. Whew.

Customer: [sweating as he watches the spectacle, he fans himself too] Wow... wait till I tell the boys at work about this bar.

(Norm is sittin at the bar)

Norm: Ok, either someone pour me a beer, or I want to speak to the manager of this joint

[Sam walks into the bar and sees Norm passed out from so many beers]

Sam: Ah--[goes to wake Norm, but decides not to; goes into his office after not seeing Diane]

Diane: [walks in] Hello, everyone. [looks around and doesn't see Sam. she puts on her apron] Sorry I'm late - I spent all morning looking for a house with my real estate agent.

Sam: [coming out of his office] Ok, who was the wise guy who put snotty tissues all over my desk?

[A cry came from the pool room]

Diane: ...would that be Rebecca?

[Rebecca came from the back with a tissue in one hand, and a bag of chocolate chip cookies in the other]

Rebecca: Hello, Ms. Chambers...I'm fine. Do you need anything? Oh wait, you work here....[sobs]

Sam: Oh, for God sakes. [goes back into his office]

Diane: [guides Rebecca by the shoulders and sits her down at a table] Oh call me Diane - I insist. I suppose that talk you had with Lilith and me didn't help, huh? Let me get you some coffee [ gets her a cup and sits down at the table with Rebecca]. So, please, tell me what's bothering you now.

Rebecca: Diane, [squeezes her arm, practically pinching] I think I'm pregnant. [dries her eyes, but more tears pour out]

Diane: [jaw drops] You're...pregnant? But I thought...who's the father?

[Sam comes out of his office holding up something personal of Rebecca's]

Sam: Is this yours?

Rebecca: Uh, yes it is. [gets up and snatches it from Sam]

Sam: Ha ha...

Diane: [all her facial muscles tighten, she looks at Sam and then at Rebecca, but tries to dissemble the approaching conclusion with a forced smile] C-could we three talk in the office?

Rebecca: [to Diane; whispering] Please don't tell Sam that I'm-- P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T...

Sam: Step into my love nest. [laughs kiddishly]

Diane: [they enter and Diane immediately looks at Rebecca suspiciously] Why would it matter if he knew either way?

Rebecca: [talking with the side of her mouth] You know how Sam is...he'll want to help. I don't want to be his apendage.

Diane: You poor woman! Sam, how could you do this to her??!! [pauses] How could you do this to ME??

Sam: What did I do?! I'm the one who came in here to Mount Snot Nose! Now I'm going to have to disinfect my desk!

Diane: You mean...you and Rebecca didn't ever...you know...

Rebecca: [thinks for a moment; laughs] God,no! I'd rather stick my head in a trash compressor.

Sam: [nervous laugh] Would you two mind telling me what the hell you're talking about?

Diane: [laughs] Oh! How silly of me! Of course you wouldn't [she and Rebecca laugh together while Sam stares at them dumbfounded] ...sticking your head in a trash compressor [laughs more]

Rebecca: [laughs] You really thought that was funny? [laughs more] I'd rather kiss a poisonous snake than Sam...[leaves the office with Diane, still laughing]

Sam: [follows them out of the office] You two really think you'll cute, huh? [stops] Where's that damn Lysol can?

Diane: [laughing still] I never knew you were funny! I've only ever seen you crying! [drying her eyes and calming down] So, what are you going to do about this...condition? Does the father know?

Cliff:I have this problem with my body so iam taking medication for it [Reads that his medication can cause male breast enlargement] I see you all looking at my chestal area Diane; stop it! I don't have breasts!

Rebecca: No, he doesn't. It was just one of those things. I haven't have sex in...[tries to muffle] five years, so my biological clock was ticking. [leans against the bar] I haven't gone to a doctor yet. I'm scared. [walks to one of the tables and sits down] But I know the symptoms. I've been weepy, dizzy, and slightly batty.

(Norm wakes up and sees no beer)

Norm: Ok, I want to see the manager

Diane: [to cliff, very confused] I wasn't looking, Clifford...[but then does look at his chest and quickly diverts her eyes to Rebecca] Rebecca...have you actually had a test done to make sure? Because from what I've heard...dont' you feel like that most of the time anyway? Come to think about it...and please don't take this the wrong way...but for most women of our age...the clock is, you know, dead. Do you follow?

Sam: Hey, Norm. You were sleeping there like a baby, so I didn't want to wake ya. Would you like another beer?

Originally posted by Princess Feenster
Sam: Hey, Norm. You were sleeping there like a baby, so I didn't want to wake ya. Would you like another beer?

Norm: Finally, a sane man, yes Sammy, I would like another beer

Originally posted by DianeDiane
Diane: [to cliff, very confused] I wasn't looking, Clifford...[but then does look at his chest and quickly diverts her eyes to Rebecca] Rebecca...have you actually had a test done to make sure? Because from what I've heard...dont' you feel like that most of the time anyway? Come to think about it...and please don't take this the wrong way...but for most women of our age...the clock is, you know, dead. Do you follow?

Rebecca: [laughs] Are you talking about...[whispers] menopause? [laughs again] Oh, Diane, I'm too young. [throws her head on the table, making a loud "thud"]

Diane: Oh, well then forgive me for mentioning it. Rebecca, I think you should go to a doctor. And I'd advise you to lower your voice when talking out here in the bar - you know how gossip travels around here. I'd hate for anybody to deprive you of your privacy. But at least you can trust me - I'll keep your secret safe.

Rebecca: I better get to the doctor right away. [takes Diane's hand] Thank you, Diane. [grabs her back of cookies and leaves the bar]

Diane: Aw, goodbye, Rebecca. And if you need to talk again, I'd be happy to listen! [Walks over to the bar] It's wonderful to know that we women are still willing to listen to each other, to help each other, to trust each other. [raises her fist] "Let us rise in the moral power of womanhood!"

Hey, Gang, What's up?

Sam: [grabs ahold of her wrist] That's enough, Diane...[looks at him watch] What day is it?

Diane: [taking back her wrist] Sam, it hasn't even been 24 hours since we made our agreement. You know...When a woman confides in another woman, they create a sacred bond between them. [looks down] So I could never tell any of you what Rebecca told me. That would destroy the very essence of our budding friendship. So don't anybody try to pry the information from me, because I won't tell. Not a word. Not even to you, Sam. Not a word.

I wrote a book its called Its a Little Known Fact.... & I'll read a passage out of it for you guy's (trying to find the paragraph)(turns page)Oh here its (clears throat)Its a little known fact that a herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Diane: [laughs] Cliff, if that were true, Norm here would have to be the next Einstein.

How do you like my quote thats under what I say ? Where sam talks about his relationship with Diane?

Diane: [taking back her wrist] Sam, it hasn't even been 24 hours since we made our agreement. You know...When a woman confides in another woman, they create a sacred bond between them. [looks down] So I could never tell any of you what Rebecca told me. That would destroy the very essence of our budding friendship. So don't anybody try to pry the information from me, because I won't tell. Not a word. Not even to you, Sam. Not a word.

Sam: Damn! I think I need a blind fold. [turns away from Diane and fixes Cliff and Norm some complimentary beers]

Diane: [trying to stop herself from talking] So, Sam, I'm not going to tell you a single detail about what Rebecca just told me. All right? So don't even try anything.