The Top 10 Most Unfunny Comedians of All Time

[TMC]

http://coedmagazine.com/2009/01/09/t...-o f-all-time/

#10 Carrot Top

Carrot Top is so unfunny, it’s a stretch to even call him a comedian. But since being a “comedian” is the only reason we know who this fiery red ******** is, we couldn’t leave him off. As to why he’s not funny, Bill Hicks said it best: “Carrot Top is for people who didn’t get Gallagher.” And, as was usual with Bill Hicks, that’s exactly right.

While Gallagher was utterly obnoxious and about as funny as a baby with cancer, Carrot Top is the *beep* copying that guy, and couldn’t even come up with material better than food smashing and sitting on a giant couch. Now he’s just more funny-looking than any joke he’s ever told. Guess that’s what happens when you turn into a ‘roid-riddled transvestite.

#9 Sinbad

We know this guy is a stand-up comedian. But does anybody remember his act – or “The Sinbad Show”? Us either. In fact, we can’t remember a single joke this dude has told since 1987. The only thing we do remember is his unnatural fondness of neon jumpsuits and the dangling pedophile earring that makes him look like a jungle-alien criminal. Besides that, it’s a wash. Our guess is that he’s only famous because he has a badass name and doesn’t scare white people. That’s 1994 for “funny”.

#8 Louie Anderson

Seeing fat people fall down – funny. Seeing fat people slapping each other – funny. Even dancing fat people are funny. Listening to a fat dude wheeze about how much it sucks to be fat – about as boring as a blow job from a Celine Dion impersonator.

On top of that, his voice makes you want to punch yourself in the face, sounding more like it’s coming out of Carrot Top’s *beep* rather than Louie Anderson’s windpipes. How this guy managed to fill auditoriums, get his own show or move out of his parent’s basement is completely beyond us.

#7 Whoopi Goldberg

In general, Whoopi Goldberg’s audience are middle-aged soccer moms who love Walmart, cut their hair to look like 40-year-old fat dudes for the rest of their lives and think it’s subversive to philosophize about the subversity of mildly racist jokes. That’s not comedy. That’s just boring. Like Sister Act.

#6 Richard Lewis

Richard Lewis is everything that was wrong with the 1990’s embodied in a douchey hair-do and a dick face. Basically, all he jokes about is how much he sucks at life, which makes sense… considering how much he sucks at comedy. It’s like he’s just waiting for someone to tell him to shut the hell up. But instead, he does things like claim he coined the term “The [INSERT NOUN] from hell.” That’s like saying you invented the wheel or fire or nunchucks or “shut the *beep* up!”

#5 Judy Tenuta

Between her skin-crawl voice and embarrassingly bad act, we can’t decide what we hate most about Judy Tenuta. But something tells us it starts with an “a” and ends with “ccordion.” For some reason, nobody bothered to tell her that using the most annoying instrument on earth makes people hate you – or at best makes you look like a crazy b*tch with too many cats. We will say that we wouldn’t have minded seeing Judy, uh, sans accordion…and clothes. But that doesn’t exactly make us want to listen to her talk.

#4 Jimmy Fallon

Being a comedian is kind of like being a ventriloquist, except that instead of not being able to move your lips when you talk, you can’t laugh at your own jokes – especially when you’re not being funny. And as far as we can tell, Jimmy Fallon has built his entire career on doing exactly that. Now he’s going to be the host of the “Late Show” after Conan takes over for Leno.

There’s no way he’ll last at the “Late Show”. The New York Times said that “some media critics have already questioned how well [Jimmy Fallon] might fare as a late-night host, a job that has traditionally required a personality comfortable with playing himself every night.” Our prediction: if Jimmy Fallon actually plays himself, his hosting career will last one night, ending with Fallon crying himself to death from vicious self loathing and a nasty case of hair gel scalp burn.

#3 Kathy Griffin

We almost feel sorry for Kathy Griffin. But then she opens her mouth and starts making fun of celebrities you know she’d give her left t*t to be, and all that empathy goes out the window faster than her agent’s business card. I guess she assumed embracing the whole, “I am a sucky celebrity” thing would make us feel sorry for her more. But instead, it made us realize why Hollywood started having a D-list in the first place – to keep *beep* like Kathy Griffin out of movies and off television – hint, hint…

#2 Carlos Mencia

I’m not sure what improbable and hellacious chain of events had to happen in order for this dude to become famous. Why, with so many talented people on this planet, did this *beep* have to hit the freakin’ life jackpot?

Regardless, whoever’s making these things happen needs to be drowned as soon as possible. See, it’s not even that we don’t laugh at his corny, racist, un-clever jokes, it’s that he steals his jokes and then re-writes them into something so offensively terrible that we become nauseated before the word “Mexican” can escape his *beep* face.

So please, Carlos – for all that is right and good and holy in this world, stop doing “comedy.” You gave it a shot, but it’s just not your thing. Sorry, buddy. It’s time to move on, and never infect us with your retardation ever – ever again.

#1 Dane Cook

We contemplated not including Dane Cook on this list. Not because he’s actually funny, but rather because he’s so monumentally horrible in so many ways, we figured it was better to just have the article run from 10-2, with #1 assumed from the outset. But when someone this talentless becomes this successful, pointing out that Dane Cook’s existence makes this a worse world in which to live seemed an unavoidable humanitarian duty.

Why? Simple – he steals jokes from Louis C.K.; he replaces punchlines with puking noise and leaping around the stage like an epileptic baboon; other comics hate him; and nothing he says is *beep* funny! We know he’s the highest selling comedian on the planet. But if you ask us, that’s just more proof that he’s a cheap hack – the McDonald’s of comedy. Please go away, Dane. Planet Earth will thank you.

[phoebe7165]

Wow.

Actually, I like Kathy Griffin and Carrot Top(and who I went to school with, BTW). I know they're not to everybody's taste, but hey, to each his own.

Although I do somewhat agree about the 'roid riddled part. I mean what the heck? I have to say that I prefer him as the skinny guy I knew way back when!!

[Wreckless]

I agree w/ Dane Cook being up their. Don't know if he's the worst of all time lol, but he's absolutely horrible, and not funny!

i always disliked the guy, and girls in our school would say "oh dane cook, i love dane cook. blah blah he's so funny," but I payed no attention to it lol .

[lilhave]

The subject line is misleading. It states of all time. Most of the comedians listed are from the 1990's and up. Are they saying no comedians were that bad in the 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's and 80's.?

Harvey

[Chocoholic]

How can Ray Romano not make that list? Doesn't Tim Allen count too?

[Courtnee]

I like Dane Cook.

[Mr. Television]

Not a fan of any of them so...lol

[*Pleasant Tomorrow*]

OMG no. Kathy Griffin is freakin hilarious, and I've almost died laughing at Dane Cook.

[Sharop]

Originally Posted by Chocoholic

How can Ray Romano not make that list? Doesn't Tim Allen count too?

I take it you're not a fan of Everybody Loves Raymond or Home Improvement?

I quite like what I've seen of those shows - I also like Tim Allen as Buzz Lightyear in Toy Story.

[HuntingtonM15]

Originally Posted by *Pleasant Tomorrow*

OMG no. Kathy Griffin is freakin hilarious

Yeah, her show may be called the D-List, but in the comedy world she's definitely an A-Lister.

[MickeyMac]

I agree with that list, and I would also include:


Eddie Murphey

DL Hugley


Steve Harvey

Martin Lawrence

Larry The Cable Guy


Jerry Seindfeld

any any comedian who was ever on Saturday Night Live from 1980 on.

[Chocoholic]

Originally Posted by Sharop

I take it you're not a fan of Everybody Loves Raymond or Home Improvement?

I quite like what I've seen of those shows - I also like Tim Allen as Buzz Lightyear in Toy Story.

I actually liked Everybody Loves Raymond at one point, but cringe at the thought of it now. I never cared for Home Improvement, even as a kid. I always found that grunting thing that Tim Allen did totally obnoxious and not funny.

[OH Nuts!]

#'s 1-4 Jimmy Walker #s 5-10 David Letterman

[TripperFan]

I'll probably take flak for this, but to me, Chris Farly should be near the top of the list. Everyone says how hilarious he was, but to me, he was just a John Candy wannabe that never came close.

And even though I find David Spade mildly amusing at times, he should be there.

[Schmoopie]

Originally Posted by MickeyMac

I agree with that list, and I would also include:


Eddie Murphey

DL Hugley


Steve Harvey

Martin Lawrence

Larry The Cable Guy


Jerry Seindfeld

any any comedian who was ever on Saturday Night Live from 1980 on.

I agree with almost everyone on this list, with the HUGE execption of Jerry Seinfeld. He's the ultimate, IMO. Eddie Murphy is okay to an extent, but I wouldn't want to see his stand up act.

It's probably not fair of me to say, but I would also add Bob Sagat to this list. I never found him that funny in Full House and no way would I watch his stand up stuff. Swearing constantly just isn't funny to me. Jerry keeps his shows clean for the most part (even in Vegas) which is part of why I love him so much!