Quotes

[MA]

Willie: Kate, this lasagna looks really great!
ALF: Very well worth the interminable wait.
Willie: I asked you twice to stop doing that.
ALF: What? We're just having a pre-dinner chat.
Willie: You know what I mean. Rhyming everything I say.
ALF: No problem, Willie. Have it your way.
Willie: Kate?! [Kate enters] Kate, he's doing it again.
Kate: What?
Willie: He's rhyming the last word of everything I say. Go ahead, ALF. [to Kate] He's been doing it all day! Now he's got me doing it!
Lynn: [comes home, angry] What a creep! I never want to see him again! [she heads upstairs]
Willie: I guess Lynn and her boyfriend had a fight.
Kate: We should go see if she's all right. [she and Willie head upstairs]
ALF: Oh, sure. When Kate makes a rhyme, it's no big deal. [Willie stares at him, then leaves] Just for that, I'm eating your meal. [he takes Willie's lasagna]

[ThisLittlePiggy]

Willie: And making pate. Good pate, too. What's in it? Let me guess. There's lobster, sour cream, but there's something else.
ALF: Play-doh.
Willie: That's it.
ALF: The fluorescent kind. I wanted it to be special.

[MA]

Willie is working on his car but bumps his head on the hood when ALF honks the horn
ALF: Horn works!
Willie{sarcastic}: Thank you.
ALF: Why don't we just kill this thing for the insurance money? We'll make it look like an accident!

[ThisLittlePiggy]

ALF: (about Lucky) Last time I saw him he was high-tailing it out the window.
Willie: And why was that?
ALF: 'Cause I was chasing him with a fork.

[MA]

Policeman: Are you Mr. & Mrs. Tanner?
Willie: Yes, Officer. What can I do for you?
Policeman presents captured burglar
Policeman: This man actually chased us down two blocks and begged us to arrest him!
Burglar: What I did was wrong, and I must be punished.
Policeman: We will get to that, for right now just relax. Do you own these?
Policeman presents stolen items
Kate: That is my brooch and my jewelry box!
Willie: My cufflinks!
Policeman: If you come to the station and complete a report for us, you can have them back...if you want them back.
Burglar: Come on, you promised, you promised!
Policeman: OK, OK! Mr. and Mrs. Tanner, this man claims he was motivated to surrender himself to us on account of seeing an odd creature with a big nose wearing a blue dress.
Mrs. Ochmonek: Well, I will go home now.
Mrs. Ochmonek is wearing a frumpy blue dress
Policeman: Well, at least you will not be able to plead insanity.

[ThisLittlePiggy]

You know, I don't think that
Raquel is gonna rest

until she gets her spaceman.

What if we borrowed
a hairy animal

and let it loose on her yard?

Define hairy animal.

A goat.

An ant-rater.

A baboon. Yeah, no.
No an orangutan.

- That's orange.
- Who're you calling orange?

I'm burnt sienna.

I'm sorry ALF. No offense.

Well, none taken.

You hairless pink suburbanite.

[MA]

Kate: Willie, have you noticed that ALF's been acting rather strange lately?
Willie: Yeah, going on three years now.
Kate: No, I mean about last night when he apologized for every bad thing he's done since he got here. Alphabetically.
Willie: Oh. I got lost in between drain cloggage and drywall damage.
Kate: Then I guess you missed the part where he confessed to kidnapping the Lindbergh baby!
[Willie reacts, then there's a knock on the door.]
Trevor: [off-camera from outside] Hey, Tanners! It's me!
[Willie opens the door.]
Willie: Morning.
Trevor: Good morning. I'll take it.
Kate: Take what?
Trevor: Your house! [He holds up a sign he found on the front yard.]
Willie: [reading sign] House for sale? $4,000! You found that on our lawn?
Trevor: Yeah! I can let you have $100 up front if you'll finance the rest.
Willie: No. I mean, we're not selling the house.
Kate: Someone must've put that on our lawn as a kind of prank.
Trevor: Oh, too bad. This place would've made a nice summer home for me and Raquel. [closes door and walks away disappointed]

[ThisLittlePiggy]

"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right." - ALF

[MA]

ALF - "I don't need to go out and make new friends. I have the best friends, including Dorothy, anyone could have."

[ThisLittlePiggy]

Hey, Kate,
get a load of this.

A stamp, commemorating
some guy walking on the moon.

ALF, it was one of mankind's
greatest moments.

Big deal!

I was the first Melmacian
to wash my hands before eating.

Nobody put me on a stamp.

Maybe you
should've used soap.

Ha. Ha.

[MA]

Paul: Give me some nuts.
ALF: But I don't want any nuts.
Paul: I do! [ALF gives him some nuts; he crushes them with his head]

[ThisLittlePiggy]

“Aren’t you guys happy? You are here on Gilligan’s island?” –ALF

[MA]

Jake Ochmonek: Hey, this is the problem, the spark plugs! Jake does some work OK, Mr. Tanner, start it up!
Willie starts engine and it sputters to life
Willie: Wow! Thank you, Jake!
Jake Ochmonek: You are welcome. Hey, I do not want to sound conspiratorial, but it looked as if the wires were cut just shy of being severed. Wonder why that is?
ALF: It means Willie was gypped!
Willie: ALF!
Jake Ochmonek: Actually, ALF may be on to something. There have been fraud cases where mechanics fix one part of the car then sabotage another part to create unneccesary repeat business.

[ThisLittlePiggy]

Once again, Kate,
excellent meat loaf.

Once again, Kate, meat loaf.

Uh, for your information,
that was Salisbury steak.

Great. Meat loaf
with an attitude.

[MA]

I'm on the freeway. The one headed to Oxnard.