Two and a Half Men quotes & lines

[Ohio8]

Alan: "Since when is that a requirement?"

Alan: "Shoulda taken the twenty bucks."

Alan: (to Walden)"Listen to me. Alcohol is just a
bandage for your problems."

Alan: "A selection from the classic era of soft core cable porn."

Walden: "I haven't watched any porn since college."
Alan: "Yeah. Me neither."

Berta: "I should have my own talk show."

Alan: "I'm still upset about not getting laid in high school."

Berta: "I'm so glad I'm baked."

Berta: (to Walden)"You are so funny. You should be on my talk show."
Walden: "I'm in."

Alan: "Oh, what fresh hell is this?"

Walden: "I just saw a giant cat holding a churro."

[Ohio8]

Berta: (to Charlie)"Really? The one who works for him?"
Charlie: "Yes."
Berta: "Tinkerbell with the knockers."
Charlie: "The same."

[MA]

Evelyn Harper: Alan darling, you were always the good son. Of course, your brother didn't set the bar very high.