Two and a Half Men quotes & lines - Sitcoms Online Message Boards

AB · 08-07-2018, 05:24 PM

Your favorite quotes and lines from Two and a Half Men.

A Berta quote:

AB · 08-07-2018, 05:25 PM

An Alan & Charlie quote:

AB · 08-07-2018, 05:27 PM

Another Alan & Charlie quote:

MA · 08-08-2018, 05:47 AM

Alan: I appreciate the pep talk, but I have lost all hope.

AB · 08-08-2018, 05:43 PM

A Kandi quote:

AB · 08-08-2018, 05:55 PM

Alan & Kandi quotes/lines:

MA · 08-09-2018, 07:17 AM

Walden: Hey, what are you doing..?

Alan: Just going down memory lane.

AB · 08-11-2018, 03:57 PM

A Evelyn quote:

MA · 08-11-2018, 04:09 PM

Walden: So how old is this guy..?
Alan: Let me put it this way, he was one of the original investors in Apple, the fruit.

stevea · 08-11-2018, 10:20 PM

Alan: The doctor wants me to have a procedure....
a colonoscopy.

Charlie: That's no big deal. They're just gonna shove a camera up your ass.

MA · 08-12-2018, 08:40 AM

Charlie: A blind date? Forget it, Charlie Harper does not go on blind dates.
Alan: He doesn't?
Charlie: No, he doesn't.
Alan: Can't we ask him?
Charlie: Don't bother. I know what he'll say.
Alan: OK, but does he have to say it in the third person?

AB · 08-12-2018, 02:24 PM

An Evelyn & Charlie quote:

MA · 08-12-2018, 02:32 PM

Alan Harper: Okay, name 3 things you would change about me.

Charlie: Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.

stevea · 08-12-2018, 04:23 PM

(Kandi, talking about a toothbrush, in the bathroom, with Alan.)

I always wondered, what's that little rubber thing at the end for?

Alan: It's to massage your gums.

Kandi: Oh, I thought it might be an eraser. But who writes when they're brushing their teeth?

Alan shrugs: I don't know. (He looks at the toilet.)

Kandi: What's a matter? (She brushes.)

Alan: I kinda have to pee.

Kandi: Go ahead.

Alan: Oh, no, no. I'll wait 'til you're finished.

Kandi: Are you shy about peeing in front of me? Cause Alan...

Alan: I get the hypocrisy. I just think it's important to keep a little mystery in a relationship.

Kandi: It's just peeing, Alan.

Alan: Not necessarily. Sometimes when a man urinates other muscles see that as a green light to relax.

(Kandi leaves the bathroom. A few seconds later., outside the door...)

Kandi (still brushing): Ouch!

Alan: What?

Kandi: One of my teeth hurts when I brush it.

Alan: When was the last time you saw a dentist?

Kandi: Alan, I see people all the time. They don't always tell you what they do.

MA · 08-12-2018, 04:39 PM

Alan: [looks at a picture of the pretty actress that will be his date] That her?
Alan: [blows his nose] I'm cured!

08-07-2018, 05:24 PM	#1
AB Member Eternal Member Forum Icon Join Date: Dec 26, 2006 Location: The South Posts: 59,426	Two and a Half Men quotes & lines Your favorite quotes and lines from Two and a Half Men. A Berta quote: Attached Images

08-07-2018, 05:25 PM	#2
AB Member Eternal Member Forum Icon Join Date: Dec 26, 2006 Location: The South Posts: 59,426	An Alan & Charlie quote: Attached Images

08-07-2018, 05:27 PM	#3
AB Member Eternal Member Forum Icon Join Date: Dec 26, 2006 Location: The South Posts: 59,426	Another Alan & Charlie quote: Attached Images

08-08-2018, 05:47 AM	#4
MA Member Moderator Forum Idol Join Date: May 20, 2017 Location: New Hampshire Posts: 127,083	Alan: I appreciate the pep talk, but I have lost all hope.
	__________________ ~-Mikaela-~

08-08-2018, 05:43 PM	#5
AB Member Eternal Member Forum Icon Join Date: Dec 26, 2006 Location: The South Posts: 59,426	A Kandi quote: Attached Images

08-08-2018, 05:55 PM	#6
AB Member Eternal Member Forum Icon Join Date: Dec 26, 2006 Location: The South Posts: 59,426	Alan & Kandi quotes/lines: Attached Images

08-09-2018, 07:17 AM	#7
MA Member Moderator Forum Idol Join Date: May 20, 2017 Location: New Hampshire Posts: 127,083	Walden: Hey, what are you doing..? Alan: Just going down memory lane.

08-11-2018, 03:57 PM	#8
AB Member Eternal Member Forum Icon Join Date: Dec 26, 2006 Location: The South Posts: 59,426	A Evelyn quote: Attached Images

08-11-2018, 04:09 PM	#9
MA Member Moderator Forum Idol Join Date: May 20, 2017 Location: New Hampshire Posts: 127,083	Walden: So how old is this guy..? Alan: Let me put it this way, he was one of the original investors in Apple, the fruit.

08-11-2018, 10:20 PM	#10
stevea 22 Years On Sitcoms Moderator Forum Legend Join Date: Aug 13, 2003 Location: Indy Posts: 44,160	Alan: The doctor wants me to have a procedure.... a colonoscopy. Charlie: That's no big deal. They're just gonna shove a camera up your ass.

08-12-2018, 08:40 AM	#11
MA Member Moderator Forum Idol Join Date: May 20, 2017 Location: New Hampshire Posts: 127,083	Charlie: A blind date? Forget it, Charlie Harper does not go on blind dates. Alan: He doesn't? Charlie: No, he doesn't. Alan: Can't we ask him? Charlie: Don't bother. I know what he'll say. Alan: OK, but does he have to say it in the third person?

08-12-2018, 02:24 PM	#12
AB Member Eternal Member Forum Icon Join Date: Dec 26, 2006 Location: The South Posts: 59,426	An Evelyn & Charlie quote: Attached Images

08-12-2018, 02:32 PM	#13
MA Member Moderator Forum Idol Join Date: May 20, 2017 Location: New Hampshire Posts: 127,083	Alan Harper: Okay, name 3 things you would change about me. Charlie: Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.

08-12-2018, 04:23 PM	#14
stevea 22 Years On Sitcoms Moderator Forum Legend Join Date: Aug 13, 2003 Location: Indy Posts: 44,160	(Kandi, talking about a toothbrush, in the bathroom, with Alan.) I always wondered, what's that little rubber thing at the end for? Alan: It's to massage your gums. Kandi: Oh, I thought it might be an eraser. But who writes when they're brushing their teeth? Alan shrugs: I don't know. (He looks at the toilet.) Kandi: What's a matter? (She brushes.) Alan: I kinda have to pee. Kandi: Go ahead. Alan: Oh, no, no. I'll wait 'til you're finished. Kandi: Are you shy about peeing in front of me? Cause Alan... Alan: I get the hypocrisy. I just think it's important to keep a little mystery in a relationship. Kandi: It's just peeing, Alan. Alan: Not necessarily. Sometimes when a man urinates other muscles see that as a green light to relax. (Kandi leaves the bathroom. A few seconds later., outside the door...) Kandi (still brushing): Ouch! Alan: What? Kandi: One of my teeth hurts when I brush it. Alan: When was the last time you saw a dentist? Kandi: Alan, I see people all the time. They don't always tell you what they do.

08-12-2018, 04:39 PM	#15
MA Member Moderator Forum Idol Join Date: May 20, 2017 Location: New Hampshire Posts: 127,083	Alan: [looks at a picture of the pretty actress that will be his date] That her? Alan: [blows his nose] I'm cured!