Masked Bagger Adventures (issues 21-30) + Bonus Banta Bowler Story

[Adamantium]

ISSUE 27. Money Equals Madness

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Hailie Morgan
Ben Davis
Bernie Boswell
Gabe Chapman

Guest Starring:
Banker Betty [pictured below]
Chris Ward
Mr. Brad Bartlett
Jean’s Ghost [pictured below]
Tony Walmer [pictured below]

[Adamantium]

ISSUE 27. Money Equals Madness

Originally released on November 10th, 2015

And Now The Story…

Ben and Chris are bagging side by side. “Marshmallow World” by Dean Martin plays on the Kroger radio.

(“Marshmallow World” by Dean Martin) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ujM9wreqGQ

Ben Davis: It’s early November. Why in the world are they playing Christmas music already?

Chris Ward: I know. It’s very inaccurate, too. There’s not a flake of snow on the ground outside.

Ben Davis: Although this *is* Ohio, so check out the window in five minutes and it may be a different story.

Chris Ward: Very true.

Ben Davis: So, we don’t talk about this much but how are you doing since your mom… you know?

Chris Ward: I’m okay. I mean, I’m dealing with it. I have certain activities that get me through the pain.

Ben Davis: Okay. Just know that if you ever need to talk about it with someone, I’m here.

Chris Ward: Thanks. I appreciate it.

Adam walks up. He notices the music, too.

Adam Hauck: What’s up with the Christmas music? It’s November.

Ben Davis: We were just discussing that. Strange things happen at 717. That includes the music.

Adam Hauck: Yep, and speaking of strange…

Bernie enters, looking depressed.

Ben Davis: Hey Bernie. What’s up?

Bernie Boswell: I had a date last night.

Chris Ward: How’d it go?

Bernie Boswell: I think you’re a tad too young for the details, Chris.

Chris Ward: (smiles) He must’ve killed *this* one, too!

Bernie Boswell: I didn’t kill her, and you’re on carts now. So go.

Chris Ward: Carts, carts, carts. My life is all about carts anymore.

Chris storms off.

Ben Davis: What as that about?

Adam Hauck: The kid doesn’t like doing carts, I guess.

Ben Davis: Okay, so Bernie, what happened?

Bernie Boswell: Well last night I had my first date since Jean’s passing. It was with a woman in her early forties.

Adam Hauck: That’s like a teenager to you!

Bernie Boswell: I know. I wanted some contrast from Jean. Anyways, things were going great and she even initiated love making.

Ben Davis: Alright, Bernie!

Bernie Boswell: She wanted me to get some protection. So I pulled out the pack I bought earlier. She looked at it and laughed. Then she called it an evening. I didn’t get none.

Ben Davis: I don’t get it. Why did she react that way?

Bernie Boswell: Let me show you what I bought. Turns out…

Bernie takes out a small box of Pee-Pee Bags.

Bernie Boswell: …these are not condoms.

Ben and Adam bust out laughing.

Adam Hauck: I’ve done some dumb things in my life - chasing after Katie being at the top of that list - but I would never confuse Pee-Pee Bags for condoms!

Bernie Boswell: Well it really doesn’t matter for you, does it? Because you’ll never need them!

Adam Hauck: You know, suddenly this isn’t funny anymore.

Bernie Boswell: I just want to go home.

CUT TO: Bernie is at his house. He puts a CD in the player. The song “Jean” by Oliver begins to play.

(”Jean” by Oliver) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9DXI6iYVDw

Bernie Boswell: Who knew we’d spend the anniversary of our first date with me alone and you as a ghost?

Jean‘s Voice: I had a feeling.

Bernie turns around and sees the ghost of Jean standing there. Naturally, he’s freaked out.

Jean‘s Ghost: I mean, I was fully aware of my bad heart.

Bernie Boswell: What! What! What! What! What! What… is… this?

Jean‘s Ghost: It’s your blushing bride, my love.

Bernie Boswell: I have a brain tumor. THAT’S it. You’re not really here. You can’t be.

Jean‘s Ghost: Why can’t I be here?

Bernie Boswell: You’re dead!

Jean‘s Ghost: No need to shout. I’m dead, not deaf.

Bernie Boswell: You didn’t find out about my date last night, did you? Is that why you’re here - to haunt me for revenge?

Jean‘s Ghost: Don’t be silly. I know about the date and I’m okay with it. After all, our vows were “‘til death do us part.” I died, so the vows are over. It’s just I discovered that I have the ability to return to the earth in a ghostly form, and I decided to come back to you.

Bernie Boswell: This is… um… wow.

Jean‘s Ghost: I know it’s a lot to take in right now.

Bernie Boswell: I should call your kids. They’ll want to come see you, too!

Jean‘s Ghost: They can’t. Only *you* can see me.

Bernie Boswell: Why’s that?

Jean‘s Ghost: Because you’re special.

Bernie Boswell: Is that your nice way of saying I’m a dummy?

Jean‘s Ghost: You know me better than that, Gummy Bear. It’s just you have a different way of thinking than others. You’re, well, you’re not like other people.

Bernie Boswell: True. Though I like to think of it as other people are not like me.

Jean‘s Ghost: By the way, I know this song has my name, but it’s not completely accurate. It says Jean is “young and alive.” I’m neither.

CUT TO: The next morning, inside the basement lab. Mr. Bartlett is down there. Adam enters.

Adam Hauck: Oh, Bartlett. I didn’t know you were here today.

Mr. Bartlett: Yes, well I had to stop by because there’s a situation.

Adam Hauck: The Christmas music playing in early November?

Mr. Bartlett: No. Something more serious than that.

Adam Hauck: What?

Mr. Bartlett: I was trying to get some information from your computer, but I’m afraid I’m not very savvy when it comes to technology.

Adam Hauck: Is that the situation?

Mr. Bartlett: Don’t be a jerk. The situation is that I was just taken for twenty-five hundred bucks.

Adam Hauck: What? By who?

Mr. Bartlett: Betty Cherry.

Adam Hauck: That hottie from the bank?

Mr. Bartlett: Yes. I know better than to give money to anyone. I don’t even give spare change to the bell ringers at Christmas time. But this Betty chick just had some sort of power over me. She asked me all nicely for the money, and I just forked it over.

Adam Hauck: I’ll have a talk with her.

Mr. Bartlett: Not you. You’re a goober. Masked Bagger will have a talk with her. He can arrest her and imprison her down here until I get my money back.

Adam Hauck: (angry) Let me just get my mask and jacket and change identities. I mean if I *can* being such a goober and all.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger arrives at the bank inside Kroger. Betty takes a look at the masked hero and knows she’s in for some trouble.

Banker Betty: Everybody except for the 717 Guardian please leave the bank. We’re taking a break.

No one wants to leave. Betty takes out a gun and shoots it at the ceiling. It’s just blanks, but the noise scares everyone and they dash out of the bank at an incredible speed. Betty walks over to the door and locks it. She turns around, facing Masked Bagger.

Banker Betty: May I help you?

Masked Bagger: I hear Mr. Bartlett gave you $2,500 bucks.

Banker Betty: Yes. He’s very generous.

Masked Bagger: Here’s the thing… he’s not.

Banker Betty: You just have to know how to work him.

Masked Bagger: You’re a con-man, er, con-woman, con-person!

Banker Betty: Zip the lip and get out of my bank.

Masked Bagger: I came here with orders to imprison you until you return Bartlett’s money to him.

Banker Better: Well then get ready. Because we’re going to fight.

The 717 Guardian prepares himself mentally for a fight. Betty removes her shoes and socks before stripping off her business suit. She is then wearing only a bikini, which is made out of thousand dollar bills. Bagger smiles.

Masked Bagger: You are by far my favorite villain.

Betty spins around and kicks Masked Bagger in the face.

Masked Bagger: Still my favorite! And might I add this has been the most physical I’ve gotten with a woman in a long time.

The hero takes out his bag-gun and aims it at Betty. Before he can capture her, she pulls a lever and millions of dollars pour out of a wall with such force that it carries the Masked Bagger away. He crashes through the glass door and continues riding the wave of money until he reaches the restroom, which is a good distance away. He starts to pick up some of the cash, but it vanishes. Betty, meanwhile, leaves the bank and goes into hiding.

Banker Betty: I have to destroy that man. (thinks for a moment) And I know just the way to do it. In order to get him, I have to reveal his identity to the world. Seeing as I can make money literally by snapping my fingers, I can offer a reward. And instead of standing here, talking to myself about the plan, I should actually go out and do it!

CUT TO: An hour later. Ben is up front bagging alone.

Adam Hauck: Hey Ben, where’s Bernie?

Ben Davis: He did a no call no show.

Adam Hauck: That’s not like him. What about Chris?

Ben Davis: It’s his day off.

Adam Hauck: So it’s just you and me right now?

Ben Davis: Yes. Are you waiting for some flowers and candy? Get over here and start bagging. It’s almost my break time.

Adam doesn’t like to be in the spotlight as a bagger. He needs to be able to move around. So it being just Ben and him, makes Adam quite uncomfortable. Suddenly, there’s a voice…

Front End Manager: Ben, take your break now.

Ben Davis: (to Adam) Hold down the fort while I’m gone.

Adam Hauck: (nervously) Will do.

Hailie walks up to Ben.

Hailie Morgan: It be your break time, babe?

Ben Davis: (smiles) Yes it be.

Adam Hauck: You know Ben, I think Hailie’s a bad influence on your grammar.

Hailie Morgan: I can’t believe he just say that! Beat him up, Benny!

Ben Davis: Eh, I’m too hungry. Let’s just get something to eat, babe.

They walk off. Just then, the bird-men fly in. Adam rushes to the bagger’s closet to become the Masked Bagger. He battles the evil birds. During the entire fight, the front end manager is paging Adam up front to bag. Ben hears this in the break room.

Ben Davis: That Adam is useless. He has one job - to bag - and he can’t even handle that.

Hailie Morgan: Yeah. He also cries himself to sleep at night. Ain’t that pathetic?

CUT TO: After the fight, Bagger notices Ben has returned from his break, so he heads to the basement lab to talk to Mr. Bartlett.

Masked Bagger: Bartlett, there you are.

Mr. Bartlett: I’m here. I still don’t have my twenty-five hundred bucks.

Masked Bagger: She got away. What can I do?

Mr. Bartlett: You’re asking me? You’re the supposed guardian of the store. Figure something out and get me my money back!

Masked Bagger: Where can I even find Betty? She’s taken off.

Suddenly the intercom comes on. It’s Banker Betty.

Banker Betty on Intercom: Attention customers and employees of all Krogers. That’s right. This is being broadcast at every single Kroger store in the state. I am Banker Betty and I need help with something. I need to find out who Masked Bagger is behind that mask of his. If anyone knows, please tell me. I’m offering a two million dollar reward. That’s right… two million dollars for the true identity of that 717 Guardian, The Masked Bagger. Betty out.

Bagger and Bartlett both look at one another, shocked.

Mr. Bartlett: Wow, a two million dollar reward. She really wants to know who you are.

Masked Bagger: I’m speechless. Except to say “I’m speechless.”

Mr. Bartlett: Two million dollars would really change somebody’s life forever.

Masked Bagger: Yeah.

Mr. Bartlett: Well I think I’m going back to the corporate headquarters now. It’s no doubt crazy over there. I’ll see you later, Adam.

Bagger gets a bad feeling about Bartlett’s intentions.

Masked Bagger: Wait. You’re not gonna tell Banker Betty who I really am, are you?

Mr. Bartlett: Me? Of course not. That’s ridiculous. I’m offended that you would think that of me.

Masked Bagger: I’m sorry.

Mr. Bartlett: You should be sorry for thinking that.

Masked Bagger: No, I’m sorry for this…

Masked Bagger takes out his bag-gun on Bartlett. He then throws him in one of the empty cells.

Mr. Bartlett: What are you doing?

Masked Bagger: I’ll let you out once this whole fiasco is over.

Bagger heads back to the lab.

Masked Bagger: Okay, as long as I’m not Masked Bagger, no one can unmask me. So I’ll just stay as Adam for now and figure out what to do from there. Besides, maybe this isn’t as big a deal as I think.

CUT TO: 717 is crammed full of people. It’s hard to move around. The place is so packed with those searching for our hero’s secret identity. Just think, knowing what you know would actually get you two million dollars if only you could find someway to step inside this story. Anyways, Adam is walking around, nervously. Tony Walker approaches him.

Tony Walmer: Hello, kid. I’m Tony Walmer, reporter for the Kroger Gazette.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, I remember you from a couple years ago. You kept annoying Mr. Tincher to give up any details on who Masked Bagger is.

Tony Walmer: That’s right. And now there’s a two million dollar reward to find out what I wanted to know back then. So here I am.

Adam Hauck: You’re not planning on finding out who Masked Bagger is under the mask, are you?

Tony Walmer: Uh, YEAH! Do you know what I could do with two million dollars?

Adam Hauck: No.

Tony Walmer: Finally get a girlfriend that will stay. The rest all get tired of my endless pursuit for the truth, but as a journalist, it’s what I’m all about. I can’t wait to unmask the guardian and have sex again! Not with him, you understand. With a woman because I’ll be able to afford her. Not a prostitute, you understand. But if I’m broke, no woman will want to stay with me. It’s not like I can keep her with my good looks and charm.

Adam Hauck: I get what you’re saying. Good luck finding him.

Tony Walmer: Thanks, kid. Oh, by the way, what’s the deal with the Christmas music?

Adam Hauck: Your guess is as good as mine.

CUT TO: Banker Betty is hiding in the bank, peaking out occasionally at all the chaos in the store. She realizes that Masked Bagger might be hiding. So she decides to give him a reason to come out. It’s time to get the birds!

CUT TO: Bernie’s house. Gabe Chapman knocks on the door. Bernie answers it and lets his guest in.

Gabe Chapman: Almighty, I came as soon as I got your text. What’s up?

Bernie Boswell: Jean’s back.

Gabe Chapman: Jeans? Were they ever out of fashion?

Bernie Boswell: No. Jean - my late wife. She’s back.

Gabe Chapman: I don’t get it.

Bernie Boswell: What’s not to get? She died and has returned.

Gabe Chapman: You’ve raised her from the dead? You really ARE the Almighty One!

Bernie Boswell: Don’t be silly, Gabe. Of course I didn’t raise her from the dead. That’s absurd. She’s come back as a ghost to continue our marriage.

Gabe Chapman: (to himself) All this time, I’ve been following a friggin’ loon.

Bernie Boswell: Wait. What did you say?

Gabe Chapman: Nothing.

Bernie Boswell: No, I heard you. You think I’m crazy. I’m offended!

Gabe Chapman: Look at it this way… if the roles were reversed, would you believe me?

Bernie Boswell: Of course not! Oh, I see your point. I gotta go.

Gabe Chapman: Where?

Bernie Boswell: Where it all makes sense… Kroger!

Bernie storms out of the house.

Gabe Chapman: Yep, he *is* crazy.

CUT TO: Adam is up front bagging, when hundreds of bird-men fly into the store and start attacking customers. Adam knows he has to do something, but it’s much too dangerous to be Masked Bagger at this point in time.

Adam Hauck: Nope. The people are on their own. It’s too risky for me to change identities.

The bird attacks are getting worse, and Adam begins to fell very guilty about letting this happen. So he runs into the bagger’s closet and comes out as the Masked Bagger!

Masked Bagger: Outta my store, birds!

The birds immediately fly out the front door. That was easy, but all the people now become a bigger threat than any bird could be to our precious hero. They all start to come towards him, making Bagger very nervous.

Masked Bagger: Outta my store, people!

They continue to look at the 717 Guardian as if they’re about to attack him to reveal his identity.

Masked Bagger: Damn. It worked on the birds.

CUT TO: Chris Ward is at home, bored.

Chris Ward: (to himself) I’m so bored. I never thought being off three days in a row would feel like an eternity. I wonder what’s happening at the store right now.

CUT TO: Our hero is running as fast as he can away from the mob of people out to unmask him. He heads to the back dock and runs down the hallway. Since no one has spotted him yet, he climbs the ladder attached to the wall and enters a storage room above the meat department coolers. However, he spots Bernie Boswell sitting there. They both look at one another.

Masked Bagger: Bernie! Stay back.

Bernie Boswell: Relax. I’m not going to unmask you.

Masked Bagger: But you’ve had a taste of the rich life. Don’t you want to go back to that?

Bernie Boswell: Money doesn’t bring happiness. Love does. All you need is love. Love is all you need. I heard that in a song once and it stuck with me. I don’t care who you are under that mask. You do good and we need you to keep us safe.

Masked Bagger: Well thank you. So what are you doing up here? You did a no call no show today.

Bernie Boswell: I have some weirdness going on at home at the moment, and I needed to get away to clear my head and figure things out. This has been my favorite thinking spot for almost three years now. So I snuck into the store and came up here. You won’t tell the co-managers on me, will you?

Masked Bagger: No, of course not. The co-managers are basically non-existent around here anyways.

Bagger and Bernie hear people climbing the ladder.

Masked Bagger: I have to get out of here. Close your eyes for a moment, Bernie.

Bernie Boswell: Okay.

He does as he’s told, while Bagger opens a secret door and enters it. It’s part of a secret tunnel to the basement lab. Our hero slides down to his base of operations. He looks around. No one else is in the basement, except for those imprisoned.

Masked Bagger: Great. I’m alone. Now to find Betty and get her to call off this reward, so things can get back to normal.

Our tired hero looks on the monitors and spots Banker Betty in - of all places - the bank.

Masked Bagger: Time to bag me a beauty. Not just for me but for every guy who’s ever been scammed out of his money by a hot woman, or a guy online pretending to be a hot woman. For every man who married a woman who only cared about his worth as a provider and not his worth as a person. For every person who did something else for something else. I don’t know. I’m running out of things to say, but I feel like I’m having a moment and it should last a little longer, so now I’m just rambling on.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger runs into the bank where Betty is standing in her battle uniform (the money-made bikini).

Masked Bagger: This ends NOW, Betty!

Banker Betty: I agree. Reveal yourself to me and it’s over.

Masked Bagger: No.

Banker Betty: What?

Masked Bagger: I said “no.” It’s a word I’m sure you’ve never heard uttered from a man before, but nevertheless, I’m saying it to you.

Banker Betty: Preposterous!

Masked Bagger: Ooh, big word for a bimbo!

Banker Betty: What, because I happen to be gorgeous and sexy, that makes me a bimbo?

Masked Bagger: I calls ‘em like I sees ‘em! But honestly, I’m just looking for something bad to call you. Don’t take it too personally.

Banker Betty: If anything, you could call me a gold digger. Because even though I can create authentic money with just the snap of my fingers, I crave more. I can literally never get enough money. So I drain good-hearted people of their hard-earned cash, and I do it with a smile… and a jiggle.

Masked Bagger: Don’t kid yourself with the jiggle.

Banker Betty: Are you sexually harassing me?

Masked Bagger: No! I’m just saying that maybe the “jiggle” isn’t your finest feature.

Banker Betty: That’s sexual harassment. I want you fired!

Masked Bagger: What if I apologize?

Banker Betty: That’s a good start.

Masked Bagger: Okay, I’m sorry for the “jiggle” comment.

Banker Betty: (smiles) You are so gullible, Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Wait, so you don’t forgive me?

Banker Betty: Correct.

Masked Bagger: Now I’m thinking of a B word besides “bimbo!”

She runs over to him, spins around and kicks Bagger in the face. He goes down.

Masked Bagger: Owe! (smiles) Still my favorite!

Banker Betty: Hit me. Make this the least bit interesting!

Masked Bagger: You’re trying to get me to fight back? I’m not about to hit a woman. (he stands up) I’m a gentleman.

Betty kicks Bagger in his most manly of areas. He goes down again.

Masked Bagger: Of course you’re no lady!

Down on his knees, Bagger pushes Betty. She lands on her butt. The iconic hero then grabs her big toe.

Masked Bagger: This little piggy went to market.

He pulls her next toe, while she’s in pain over it.

Masked Bagger: This little piggy got pulled real bad!

He twists her next toe.

Masked Bagger: This little piggy was twisted!

He flicks her next toe.

Masked Bagger: This little piggy got flicked!

He grabs his bag-gun and goes for the last toe.

Masked Bagger: And this little piggy was bagged, along with the whole beautiful farm!

Bagger then bags Banker Betty. He smiles.

Masked Bagger: I’m proud of myself. I had the sexiest villain ever, and I didn’t get all sexual and try to lay her across my lap and spank her bare bottom for her crimes. Even though that’s all I could think about from the moment I saw her.

CUT TO: Adam Hauck and Mr. Bartlett are in the basement lab.

Adam Hauck: Well everything worked out. No one discovered my identity. Banker Betty is in our basement prison. You got your money back. I’m pretty good.

Mr. Bartlett: Is this supposed to be the happy ending?

Adam Hauck: Pretty much, yeah.

Mr. Bartlett: You bagged me and locked me in a cell.

Adam Hauck: No. *I* didn’t. Masked Bagger did. I’m way too much of a “goober” to do anything like that. Remember?

CUT TO: Later in the month. It’s Thanksgiving and the staff is having a dinner in the break room. All those in attendance are the 717 regulars: Adam Hauck, Mr. Bartlett, Chris Ward, Bernie Boswell, Ben Davis, Hailie Morgan and Gabe Chapman.

Mr. Bartlett: Okay, before we eat this turkey and Adam, before you eat your traditional Thanksgiving pizza, I think we should take a moment to each say what we’re thankful for. I’ll start. I’m thankful for the amazing sex I had last night with a woman who was so drunk, she mistook me for her husband. You know, women get so temperamental when you correct them, so I didn't want to do that.

Bernie Boswell: I’m thankful for my lovely wife, Jean.

Mr. Bartlett: Excuse me, Boswell. But isn’t your wife dead?

Bernie Boswell: Yes she is, and we couldn’t be happier together.

Ben Davis: So I guess we’re all just accepting that Bernie’s totally insane now?

They all look as if they agree.

Ben Davis: Okay, well, I’m thankful for Hailie Princess Morgan - my beautiful girlfriend.

Hailie Morgan: I be thankful for my Benny, and that I ain’t married to Adam no more.

Adam Hauck: I’m thankful for this pizza sitting in front of me.

Gabe Chapman: I’m thankful for the Almighty One, who I decided to continue to follow until something better comes along.

Bernie Boswell: (touched) Thanks, man.

Chris Ward: I’m thankful for my job and for having had such a wonderful mom for so many years, and that she was able to find love just before she died.

The mood shifts. They start eating. Happy Thanksgiving!

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #28. Level’s Finest

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Hailie Morgan
Ben Davis
Bernie Boswell
Gabe Chapman

Guest Starring:
Banta Bowler
Pat
Elvis Pinson
Cart-Boy alias Chris Ward
Mr. Brad Bartlett
The Nutkroger alias Thomas Bowshier [pictured below]

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #28. Level’s Finest

Originally released on December 12th, 2015

And Now This Particular Story Begins…

It’s a dark and stormy night at the Banta Bowling Alley. Pat is the only one there as the place has just closed. Suddenly, a dark figure approaches. Don’t worry. It’s just Banta Bowler.

Banta Bowler: Pat, I’m here for my paycheck.

Pat: I got it right here. You know, I can’t keep doing this, though. At first I didn’t mind pulling double duty, running the front desk and fixing everything, so you wouldn’t lose your job. After all, you’re a superhero. But I’ve had a few close calls with the Michael Forman dummy. I had him propped up in the back and his head popped off, and came down the ball return. Needless to say, that customer was freaked. So when will this end and you come back full time?

Banta Bowler: You know the answer to that… when I capture Elvis Pinson.

Pat: How much longer do you think it will take?

Banta Bowler: I don’t know. I was tracking him for a couple months, then I lost him.

Suddenly, there’s a beep coming from Bowler’s pocket.

Pat: What’s that?

Banta Bowler: I’ve got eyes out there. Someone is contacting me. There might have been a sighting.

Pat: An Elvis sighting?

Banta Bowler: Yeah.

Pat: (joking) Just face reality, man. Elvis died back in ‘77 on the toilet.

Banta Bowler: This is no time for jokes.

Pat: That’s your problem. No time is a time for jokes with you. You used to be a funny guy. Now you act like you’re Batman or The Punisher. Just be the Banta Bowler, a man in costume who defends a bowling alley. You don’t have to be so dark and gloomy all the time.

Banta Bowler: Pinson’s been spotted.

Pat: Where?

Banta Bowler: He’s headed for Kroger 717.

Pat: Great. That’s where Masked Bagger works. You two can team up.

Banta Bowler: I don’t need to team up with anybody to get him. Elvis needs to be taken down by “the world’s greatest bowler.” Not a black bowler and his white bagging buddy.

Pat: I don’t see why you need to bring race into this, but good luck. Oh, and one more thing.

Banta Bowler: What?

Pat: You need to draw a name for the staff’s Secret Santa.

CUT TO: Kroger 717. The Nutkroger is at it again. He’s in the Christmas aisle, battling Masked Bagger and Cart-Boy. The Nutcracker Theme is playing as Nutkroger himself is slightly swaying to the music, annoying our heroes.

(The Nutcracker Theme) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HezLat7JrQ4

The Nutkroger: You can’t catch ME, Bagger!

Masked Bagger: What are you talking about? I caught you last year.

The Nutkroger: Obviously I mean this time.

Masked Bagger: Oh, I’ll catch you alright.

Cart-Boy: Even if he can’t, which, let’s face it, is a huge possibility, I’ll get you, Nutkroger!

Masked Bagger: Step back, Cart-Boy. We should do all of our in-fighting in private. It’s tacky to do it in front of our opponent.

The Nutkroger: Tacky, yes, but very enjoyable. Now hush up. Do you not hear the music playing? Ballerinas, come out and do your thing!

Three pretty ballerinas enter the aisle, dancing as only ballerinas can.

Masked Bagger: What? Where did you guys come from?

Cart-Boy: There’s something wrong with your vision if you think these fine ladies are “guys.”

Masked Bagger: I’m aware they’re women. Still don’t know where they came from though.

Cart-Boy: Do you recognize any of them, M.B.? Are they former co-workers?

Masked Bagger: I’ve never seen them before in my life.

Ballerina #1: We’re part of a touring Kroger ballet. The wooden man saw us in here and is paying us an extra $2,500 to dance around the aisle and do THIS!

She jumps in the air, spins around and kicks our precious hero in the face. One of the other ballerinas does the same to Cart-Boy. The third ballerina watches, jealous that she didn’t get to kick anybody.

Ballerina #1: Sorry. We don’t mean you two any harm, but it’s for twenty-five hundred bucks.

Masked Bagger: Don’t think anything of it. Money can make people do crazy things. I learned about that last month.

Cart-Boy: Ladies, you’re wonderful. Share your beautiful dance moves with the rest of the store.

The Ballerinas: Okay!

They tippie-toe out of the aisle, so it’s just the villain and heroes.

The Nutkroger: How was that?

Masked Bagger: A waste of money! Now come on, Woody. Let’s get this over with. Imma gonna bag you!

The Nutkroger: Are you Italian now?

Masked Bagger: No, I’m just talking like Katie Collins because I think it’s cute and I miss seeing her. But that’s too much info.

The Nutkroger: Yes, TMI indeed.

A fight breaks out, with Nutkroger punching Masked Bagger in his face. Seeing as his fist is made of wood, it really hurts. Our hero takes out the bag-gun, but the ballet baddie knocks it to the floor and punches Bagger in the face again. They all out fight with punches being thrown, some dodged, some landing. Masked Bagger falls to the floor and is being repeatedly kicked by the notorious Nutkroger. He calls for his sidekick, but Cart-Boy isn’t paying attention to his surroundings. He’s texting on his cell phone. He is, after all, a teenager.

Masked Bagger: Cart-Boy… help!

Cart-Boy: (disinterested) ‘kay. In a sec.

Masked Bagger: No. Now!

Cart-Boy: (still looking down at his phone) In a second, Bagger. Can’t you see I’m texting?!

Masked Bagger: Can’t YOU see that I’m getting kicked around like an effing soccer ball over here?

Cart-Boy has sent his text and finally looks up.

Cart-Boy: Okay, now *what’s* going on?

He notices and grabs the handle bar out of its holster on his back, takes a swing, and hits Nutkroger in the face. This gives our precious (some say sexy) hero the chance to free himself and grab the bag-gun off the floor. He shoots the villain with it, capturing him. Cart-Boy smiles and says…

Cart-Boy: See, now aren’t you glad you have a sidekick? Someone to watch your back. (his cell phone chimes) Ooh, another text!

CUT TO: The two heroes are in the basement lab. Masked Bagger unbags Nutkroger in the cell. Be he has transformed back into non-foods worker, Thomas Bowshier.

Thomas Bowshier: This again, Masked Bagger?

Cart-Boy: What’s he talking about, and why is he back to normal?

Masked Bagger: This happened last year. Once I bagged him, he reverted back to his old self. Tincher and I chalked it up to being a Christmas miracle. Looks like this will be an annual thing, though.

Thomas Bowshier: Well that sucks. So am I free to go now?

Masked Bagger: Yeah, sure. Get outta here and Merry Christmas.

Thomas Bowshier: Merry Christmas, Masked Bagger. You, too, Cart-Boy.

Cart-Boy: Thanks, Tom.

Thomas leaves.

Cart-Boy: Well that was weird. But mission accomplished. I’m gonna change back to Chris Ward now. It’s not fair to the ladies that I keep this face covered for very long.

Masked Bagger: Yea, I may as well go back to being Adam Hauck.

Cart-Boy: Why? Who’d wanna be Adam Hauck?

Masked Bagger: Okay, why are you so mean to me? What have I ever done to you?

Cart-Boy: Relax. It’s just my sense of humor.

Masked Bagger: That’s cool. Your sense of humor just cost you your Christmas gift from me, but that’s cool.

CUT TO: The guys have just changed back into their secret identities.

Chris Ward: Well I guess that’s it for me. I barely have any hours this week. So if you need me, I’ll be at my house.

Adam Hauck: Okay, Chris. I’ll see you later.

Just as Chris leaves, Mr. Bartlett arrives.

Mr. Bartlett: ‘tis the season to say ‘tis the season!

Adam Hauck: You seem to be in a good mood.

Mr. Bartlett: Why wouldn’t I be? Kroger sales are up thirty percent over last month. My ex-wife finally remarried so I no longer have to pay alimony. And I get to play an important part in the life of the Masked Bagger - a part I am proud to play.

Adam Hauck: Are you drunk?

Mr. Bartlett: A little bit. It *is* Wednesday. But I’m serious. I’m glad I get to know you. I’m aiding a superhero. That’s pretty neat.

Adam Hauck: Not half as neat as actually *being* a superhero.

Mr. Bartlett: So what, you gotta one-up me? I can’t just be happy about aiding a superhero, you gotta rub it in my - unmasked - face that I’m not an actual superhero myself? That’s petty.

Adam Hauck: No, I didn’t mean it like that. I was just saying I like being a superhero.

Mr. Bartlett: How did you get to be a superhero anyways? Were your parents gunned down in front of you? Did your home planet explode and you were sent here as the sole survivor? Were you standing too close to a radioactive beam when suddenly your life was forever changed and you had the choice of doing either good or bad, and after a selfish struggle, you chose good?

Adam Hauck: Well no, I just got an invitation from Professor Tincher and I accepted.

Mr. Bartlett: Lame. Just saying. Oh by the way, I got you a Christmas gift. You’re gonna love it. Are you getting me anything?

Masked Bagger: Sure… *now*.

Mr. Bartlett: Great. Well I’m gonna make my rounds and then get back to headquarters. Catch you later.

Adam Hauck: Okay.

Bartlett leaves. Adam glances at the monitors. He spots a black man in a black trench coat, wearing what looks like half a bowling ball on his head.

Adam Hauck: Either this guy came straight from Comic-Con or we have another super villain on the loose.

CUT TO: Elvis Pinson is inside the store in search of a rare chemical that he needs for a formula that will take away Banta Bowler’s powers. It’s been rumored that the chemical is inside the 717 photo lab. He spots Bernie and stops him.

Elvis Pinson: Excuse me, sir. Where is the photo lab?

Bernie Boswell: In between the pharmacy and deli.

Elvis Pinson: And where are the pharmacy and deli?

Bernie Boswell: Well the pharmacy is next to the photo lab and come to think of it, the deli is also next to the photo lab, but on the other side. I hope that helps.

Elvis Pinson: It does not help. I don’t know where the pharmacy, photo lab, nor deli are.

Bernie Boswell: Hmm, let’s see. I can answer this for you. Now the pharmacy, besides being next to the photo lab is also in the non-foods department. Whereas the deli is close to the manager’s office on one side, and the dairy on the other. Now the photo lab is in between both pharmacy and deli.

Elvis Pinson: Where’s the non-foods department?

Bernie Boswell: Close to the front end. And I anticipate you’re going to ask where the dairy is next. It’s next to the restrooms and also the meat department.

Elvis Pinson: Where are we standing *now*?

Bernie Boswell: Inside the store.

Elvis Pinson: (angrily to himself) I’m living a freaking Abbott and Costello routine!

CUT TO: Masked Bagger walks around the store in search of the potential villain. He finds him inside the lobby, creeping.

Masked Bagger: If you’re trying to blend in… you don’t.

Banta Bowler: Leave me alone.

Masked Bagger: I can’t do that. My job is to serve and protect… you know, this, this place here. This store.

Banta Bowler: You must be the Masked Bagger.

Masked Bagger: What gave it away - the mask on my face? So who are you?

Banta Bowler: Banta Bowler.

Masked Bagger: Sorry, villain. That name is already taken by a bowling superhero.

Banta Bowler: Of course it is, and I’m *the* Banta Bowler.

Masked Bagger: You are? Well you’re a bit out of your elements being here. Why’d you crossover to 717?

Banta Bowler: Elvis J. Pinson.

Masked Bagger: I don’t know what that means.

Banta Bowler: He’s from my rogues gallery. In fact, he’s my number one arch nemesis. I’ve never been able to catch him though, and I finally tracked him down.

Masked Bagger: Where is he?

Banta Bowler: Here.

Masked Bagger: In this store?

Banta Bowler: Yes.

Masked Bagger: Wow. Well let’s go inside.

Bagger walks Bowler through the lobby.

Banta Bowler: Mine is bigger than yours.

Masked Bagger: What? Why would you say that? How would you even know? I mean, I guess if we’re gonna go with the racial stereotype, then sure.

Banta Bowler: There’s a racial stereotype for claw machines?

Bagger’s embarrassed, and so he lies.

Masked Bagger: Oh sure. You didn’t know?

Banta Bowler: No, I didn’t.

Masked Bagger: Well anyways, yours may be bigger but I know how to work mine better.

Banta Bowler: I challenge that.

CUT TO: A musical montage set to “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor with Masked Bagger and Banta Bowler playing the claw machine. The one with the most dolls with a twenty dollar bill wins and becomes claw machine champion. It’s a competition that gets very intense with a lot of sweating, a lot of cussing, and a lot of clawing at dolls. In the end, Bagger won four dolls while Bowler won nineteen, and is the champion.

("Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QEjgPh4SEmU

Masked Bagger: Okay yours is bigger AND you know how to use it better. But I have… a good personality.

Banta Bowler: I’ve got that, too.

Masked Bagger: Well you know what, I’m talented in other ways. Like actually capturing my villains. But that’s just me.

Banta Bowler: You wanna fight, Bagger?

Masked Bagger: No, I don’t. I want to figure out what to do with all these dolls we won.

CUT TO: The 717 Guardian and the Bowling Alley Hero walk around the store passing out the dolls to children of customers. It touches their heart, seeing the happy faces of the children.

Masked Bagger: You won. Good job.

Banta Bowler: Thanks. You were pretty good, too.

Masked Bagger: No, I wasn’t. I pretty much suck at everything I do. I’m not even a good superhero. I just get lucky all the time… and not the sex kind of lucky.

Banta Bowler: I figured. You’ve got a reputation though. People like you. I’m too mysterious for people to get to like.

Masked Bagger: I like you… sorta. So, Elvis. Let’s get this guy.

Banta Bowler: No. This is personal. It’s gotta be me.

Masked Bagger: So what am I supposed to do?

Banta Bowler: Well you’re a bagger. What’s say you bag groceries?

Masked Bagger: The safety of the customers and employees is MY responsibility. I’m the 717 Guardian. I can’t stand back and just let some guy in a mask do the fighting.

Banta Bowler: Man, you *really* don’t wanna bag, do you?

Masked Bagger: Not even a little. I’ve been bagging for fifteen years.

Banta Bowler: Fine. You can tag along, but know this - Pinson is mine.

Masked Bagger: Good enough! Let’s do this!

Banta Bowler: Alright. This earth’s two superheroes are teaming up.

Masked Bagger: We’re not the only superheroes on this earth level. There’s my sidekick, Cart-Boy, as well as Retail-Red --- wherever she is. I spoke to her once, shortly after she left the store, but now she won’t even respond to my messages on Facebook.

Banta Bowler: Understandable. You’re kind of annoying. You seem like the kind of guy who’d spend years pursuing a woman who clearly isn’t into you.

Masked Bagger: Wow. It’s like you can see into my soul or something. (smiles) You bowled me over, ha-ha.

Banta Bowler: Don’t make me change my mind about letting you tag along.

CUT TO: Ben, Hailie, Bernie and Chapman are in the break room about to exchange Christmas gifts.

Gabe Chapman: Let me go first. Bernie, I got you something that I know you truly need.

Bernie Boswell: Thanks, buddy. What is it?

Gabe Chapman: Open her up.

Gabe hands Bernie a gift. He opens it up. It’s a hospital play set.

Bernie Boswell: A hospital play set?

Gabe Chapman: I decided to make a nativity scene for my Almighty One, but you weren’t born in a manger. You were born in a hospital. See, I’ve got baby Bernie in there, your crazy mom, your nervous dad, and as an added touch, and I know this isn’t factually true, but I have a young Jean Patterson as a nurse watching as her future husband is being born.

Bernie Boswell: This is amazing! I got you something you’re equally going to like. Membership into the Bernie Boswell Fan Club.

Gabe Chapman: (unenthusiastic) There we go.

Ben Davis: Hailie, babe, I got you that necklace you talk about every time we walk past the jewelry story in the mall.

Hailie Morgan: Dang, Benny, that’s great! Good to know you be picking up on my subtle hints.

Ben Davis: I’m very astute. So, what did you get me?

Hailie Morgan: I be broke lately, so I got you your favorite snack cakes, plus a poem I wrote for you.

She hands Ben the poem.

Hailie Morgan: It be too nasty to read aloud. So read it to yourself.

Ben Davis: Okay.

He reads the poem.

“I Be Luvin’ U” by Hailie Morgan

I Be Luvin’ U
Benny, U know U MY Boo
Beyonce & Jay-Z Got Nuthin’ On U & Me
Our Initials Be Carved All Up On A Tree

I’d Like To Mention When We First Met
But To Be Honest, I Totally Forget
Our Origin Story Don’t Matter Much
All That Matters Is When We Touch

I’m Your Girl And Ur My Man
We So Hot, Turn On The Fan
Whenever We Be Pressing It
I’m Assured That We Both Fit

I Do My Best Not To Stare
But You Be Extra Big Down There
Yep The Stereotype Is True
That’s Why I Be Luvin’ U

Hailie Morgan: You like?

Ben Davis: I love it. There’s officially two writers in this couple now. And you know how I love proving stereotypes correct… well *that* one anyways. (he smiles)

CUT TO: Elvis Pinson is in the photo lab. He has finally found the chemicals. The Level’s Finest heroes walk past the meat department and by chance, look down the freezer aisle. They spot Pinson.

Masked Bagger: What’s that goofball doing in the photo lab?

Banta Bowler: That’s a good question. But he’s no goofball. He’s Elvis!

With Banta Bowler standing at the end of the freezer aisle, he’s got his eye on Pinson. He creates a bowling ball with his hand, and releases it. He watches as it rolls down the aisle and - CRASH - right into Elvis, who falls to the floor. Masked Bagger jumps on him as Bowler runs over to him.

Banta Bowler: I said Pinson is mine!

Masked Bagger: I just wanted to make sure he didn’t run off. From the stories you tell me, he’s good at doing that.

Elvis Pinson: How’d you find me, Bowler?

Banta Bowler: I’ve been tracking you.

Elvis Pinson: And you just now found me? That’s pathetic. It’s been like three months since I left the alley.

Banta Bowler: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and WILL get your ass beat.

Bowler ties him up and sets him to the side.

Masked Bagger: So do you have a prison inside the bowling alley?

Banta Bowler: No, of course not. That’s ludicrous.

Masked Bagger: So what are you going to do with Elvis Pinson?

Banta Bowler: He’s going to jail.

Masked Bagger: *Actual* jail?

Banta Bowler: Why not? He’s an *actual* criminal.

Masked Bagger: It just seems so extreme to me.

Elvis Pinson: I agree with the fatty in the mask.

Banta Bowler: (to Pinson) Shut it.

Masked Bagger: Will I ever see you again, Bowler?

Banta Bowler: Sure. If you come on over to the bowling alley. You may even see me fighting crime.

Masked Bagger: So be honest. Was I your inspiration for becoming a superhero?

Banta Bowler: No. The chemicals transforming my DNA and giving me superpowers on top of Elvis Pinson trying to kill people were my inspiration.

Masked Bagger: Darn. So you have one of those cool origin stories Bartlett was wanting for me.

CUT TO: Christmas Eve. Masked Bagger and Cart-Boy return to the basement lab after battling some evil bird-men. The teen grabs a present and is about to hand it to our hero.

Cart-Boy: Merry Christmas, Masked Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Thank you, and Merry Christmas to you, Cart-Boy.

Cart-Boy: Thanks. So do you remember last Christmas when you received one wish from that genie?

Masked Bagger: Of course I do. How did you know about that? You weren’t here then.

Cart-Boy: Stan told me about it. He said how you used your wish on him, letting him relive his favorite Christmas with his wife, son and sister. He was so grateful that he wanted to give you the best gift ever this year. He also told me that it was reliving that wonderful moment in his life that helped him move on from Brooke, so once my mom came into the picture, he was ready to love again.

Masked Bagger: That’s nice.

Cart-Boy: He didn’t live to see this Christmas, but he finished his gift for you back in early September. Here.

Cart-Boy hands Masked Bagger a wrapped present. The 717 Guardian looks touched, and then opens it.

Masked Bagger: What is it?

Cart-Boy: It’s a morpher.

Masked Bagger: A real one?

Cart-Boy: Yes. He worked on it for months.

Masked Bagger: Professor Tincher got me a morpher. Incredible. I’ve always wanted one. I don’t suppose you know how it works?

Cart-Boy: I do. I was being nosy one day, and he filled me in on the details. You attach it to your belt. Inside is a teeny tiny jacket and mask. When you press the button, they come out of the device, enlarge themselves, and wrap around you. When you’re done, you press the button again and they’re sucked back inside. He made a bunch of spare jackets and masks in case you lose any.

Masked Bagger: This is great! But what if a villain pushes the button and activates it?

Cart-Boy: He programmed it with your fingerprints, so it would only morph when you press it.

Masked Bagger: “Press it.” Why am I reminded of Hailie right now?

Cart-Boy: Go on. Try it out.

Masked Bagger: I’m already in costume.

Cart-Boy: So take off your clothes.

Masked Bagger: You know, I’ve always wanted to hear those words from someone, but not you.

Cart-Boy: You know what I mean. Take off your mask and jacket.

He does. For the moment, he’s Adam Hauck - mild mannered bagger.

Adam Hauck: Here goes. It’s morphin’ time!

Adam presses the button and morphs into The Masked Bagger!

Masked Bagger: I like it.

Cart-Boy: That’s awesome! But there’s actually a copyright on the phrase “It’s Morphin’ Time!” so you may want to find something else to say.

Masked Bagger: Will do.

Cart-Boy exits the lab.

Masked Bagger: Thanks, Professor. Even in death you never cease to amaze me. Merry Christmas, buddy.

Bagger presses his new morpher and becomes Adam once more. Just then, Mr. Bartlett enters the room.

Mr. Bartlett: Before I give you your gift… what did you get me?

Adam Hauck: I scored you some weed.

Mr. Bartlett: Alright! I was gonna get some today anyways, so it works out. Thanks. But how did *you* get weed? You seem like too much of a square to do something like that.

Adam Hauck: Eh, I know a guy who knows a guy. What’d you get me?

Mr. Bartlett: Well Kroger was looking for a mascot for a certain product and I chose you.

Adam Hauck: Oh, so you mean Masked Bagger?

Mr. Bartlett: Oh no. This is all Adam Hauck.

Adam Hauck: So what is it?

Mr. Bartlett: You are now the face of our Extra Virgin Olive Oil.

Bartlett holds up a container, and sure enough, Adam’s face is prominently placed.

Adam Hauck: Thanks, but what about this made you think of me?

Mr. Bartlett: The “Extra Virgin” part.

Adam looks mad.

Mr. Bartlett: Adam. Adam, are you okay?

Adam presses his morpher and transforms into Masked Bagger.

Masked Bagger: (in a crazed voice) Adam doesn’t live here anymore!

Masked Bagger begins chasing Mr. Bartlett around the basement lab.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #29. Eternal Cleanshine of the Spotless Mind

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Hailie Morgan
Ben Davis
Bernie Boswell
Gabe Chapman

Guest Starring:
Mister Cleanshine [pictured below]
Dr. Whetstone [pictured below]
Chris Ward
Mr. Brad Bartlett
Katie Collins

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #29. Eternal Cleanshine of the Spotless Mind

Originally released on February 13th, 2016

And Here Now, The Story…

Masked Bagger is in the middle of a battle with a new foe - Mister Cleanshine - on the back dock.

Masked Bagger: Listen up, Cleanshine. I’m the guardian of this here store. I’m not going to ask you to leave. I’m just gonna make it happen!

Mister Cleanshine: Very cocky, Guardian. It’s almost as if you feel you’ve accomplished ANYTHING to give you this cocky disposition.

Masked Bagger: I have successfully battled grocery store villains for three years. So yeah, I have all the reason in the world to be cocky.

Mister Cleanshine: You arrogant piece of garbage! You need to be cleansed of your attitude.

Masked Bagger: When this fight is over, I’ll take a shower.

Mister Cleanshine: What if I erase your memory of the past three years? That way you’ll revert back to your scared, unsure self. Seeing as that’s my super power, that’s exactly what I’ll do!

Masked Bagger: Wait, you’re gonna do what?

Mister Cleanshine: This!

Just then, the man named after a floor-cleaning product, sprays some chemicals out of his eyeballs. They go directly into our precious hero’s eyes, from there into his brain, wiping his memory clean of the past three years. The guardian staggers out of the back dock and presses his belt buckle, transforming him back into Adam Hauck. He walks outside and collapses.

CUT TO: Ben and Hailie are chatting in a non-foods aisle.

Hailie Morgan: You be in the know that tomorrow be Valentine’s Day?

Ben Davis: Of course I do. I’m not gonna forget Valentine’s Day.

Hailie Morgan: Hey, you be the one who forgot my birthday.

Ben Davis: (angry) No, I remembered your birthday. I just didn’t realize we were in that day at the time.

Hailie Morgan: So you needed a reminder?

Ben Davis: Yes.

Hailie Morgan: So why you be acting up that I done gave you a reminder for Valentine’s Day?

Ben Davis: Because I’m a man with pride and a temper.

Hailie Morgan: (turned on) I can’t wait to get off work, take your pride and tame your temper.

Ben Davis: (smiles) I don’t know exactly what you mean by that, but I’m looking forward to it.

CUT TO: Adam is standing outside. He believes it’s February 13th, 2013 - in other words three years ago. His last memory is watching Professor Tincher’s video inviting him to 717, and leaving his previous store to come to this earth level. He’s nervous but overall excited. Adam walks through the doors and looks around. He assumed Tincher would greet him, but that’s not happening. He approaches a bagger.

Adam Hauck: Excuse me, is Professor Tincher here?

Bagger #1: Who’s Professor Tincher?

Adam Hauck: The store manager.

Bagger #1: I’ve only been here a couple of weeks and I never met any guy named Tincher. I don’t even think we *have* a store manager.

Adam Hauck: Seriously? That’s weird.

Chris Ward walks up to Adam.

Chris Ward: Hey, Adam. What’s up?

Adam Hauck: Not much. You, uh, know me?

Chris Ward: Are you playing dumb again?

Adam Hauck: Do you know a guy named Tincher?

Chris Ward: What does that mean?

Adam Hauck: It’s a straight forward question.

Chris Ward: Of course I knew him. He was my step dad. But *you* already know that, and I don’t want to play this game with you.

Adam Hauck: What game?

Adam feels like he’s entered the Twilight Zone, while Chris thinks Adam is playing some cruel joke - though he doesn’t know why.

Chris Ward: I’m outta here. Just don’t flake out as the Masked Bagger, okay.

Adam Hauck: Wait. You know I’m going to be The Masked Bagger?

Chris Ward: Of course I know you’re the Masked Bagger. I’m your effing sidekick.

Adam Hauck: What’s your name?

Chris Ward: I’m done.

Chris begins to walk away but Adam chases after him.

Adam Hauck: Please, just tell me where Professor Tincher is!

Chris Ward: Cut it out. You know he’s dead.

Adam Hauck: He’s dead?

Chris Ward: Stop it. This isn’t funny, dude.

Adam Hauck: Look, I don’t know what’s going on. I was at my store in earth level one, when I received a video message from Professor Tincher, inviting me to come here and be The Masked Bagger. I left my home and came here. Now you tell me Tincher’s dead? What am I supposed to do?

Chris Ward: Are you being serious?

Adam Hauck: Of course.

Chris Ward: I don’t know what’s going on here, but I’ll play along. My name is Chris Ward. And we obviously gotta get you some help.

CUT TO: The basement lab. Adam and Chris are down there.

Chris Ward: This is the basement lab.

Adam Hauck: I like it. So this is like my Bat-Cave?

Chris Ward: Yeah.

Adam Hauck: Neat-o. So where’s my costume?

Chris Ward: You’re wearing it.

Adam Hauck: What? I don’t get it.

Chris Ward: Press your belt buckle.

Adam does, and morphs into Masked Bagger. He quickly looks in the mirror.

Masked Bagger: Wait, this is it? Just this little mask over my eyes?

Chris Ward: That’s it. But don’t worry. No one will know it’s you because when you’re in costume, we just see you as Masked Bagger. It’s something to do with our mentality. We’re dumb that way.

Masked Bagger: Well I guess you know what you’re talking about.

Chris Ward: Yeah, someone around here needs to. Now you’d better stay down here for a while. I have things to do upstairs before you make your, uh, debut.

Masked Bagger: Okay. I’ll stay down here and practice some moves.

Chris Ward: Great.

CUT TO: Chris is chatting with Ben, Hailie, Bernie and Chapman in the break room.

Ben Davis: I don’t get it. Adam doesn’t know who he is?

Hailie Morgan: Would *you* wanna know who you was if you be Adam?

Ben Davis: Touché.

Chris Ward: No. He knows he’s Adam. He just thinks it’s 2013 and it’s his first day at the store. He’s asking for Mr. Tincher.

Gabe Chapman: So he’s got partial amnesia? What brought this on?

Ben Davis: Hmm, I’ve got a theory about that. We all know Adam was the closest to Tincher. Maybe his death has finally done something to his mind.

Chris Ward: But Stan’s been dead for over five months. Why is it just now affecting Adam?

Ben Davis: I don’t know. We should get him some therapy. Does anyone know anyone good? Bernie! Who’s your therapist?

Bernie Boswell: What makes you think I go to therapy?

Ben Davis: You’re right. The way you are, if you *do* have a therapist, we’d want nothing to do with them.

Hailie Morgan: (laughs) You be funny, my love.

Bernie Boswell: That’s one person’s opinion on the matter.

CUT TO: Chris takes Adam to meet the other baggers. Before they reach them, however, Mr. Bartlett walks up to the two.

Mr. Bartlett: Adam, Chris, how are you guys doing today?

Adam Hauck: Good… and you are?

Mr. Bartlett: I’m good, too.

Chris Ward: No, Adam was legit asking who you are. He has some form of amnesia where he doesn’t remember anything about his time here at 717.

Mr. Bartlett: What? That’s crazy. You mean you don’t remember my, uh, loaning you fifty bucks last week? I was hoping to get it back from you today.

Adam Hauck: Oh, well, if I owe you money, I want to pay you back.

Adam reaches into his pocket and takes out his wallet. He gets fifty dollars and hands it to Bartlett. Chris shakes his head in disapproval.

Mr. Bartlett: Thanks. (to Chris) So what are you doing about this situation?

Chris Ward: I know what *you’re* doing about it - taking advantage. As for me, I’m just showing Adam around the store. He’s about to meet the others.

Mr. Bartlett: I’ll get him an appointment with the store therapist.

Chris Ward: The store has its own therapist?

Mr. Bartlett: Of course. His name is Dr. Whetstone.

Chris Ward: Why don’t more people know about him?

Mr. Bartlett: If we advertised a therapist for Kroger employees, he’d never get to go home. Everyone would want a session with him.

Chris Ward: True.

Mr. Bartlett: (politely) Okay, I’m walking away now.

Chris Ward: See ya.

Mr. Bartlett leaves. Adam and Chris approach Ben and Bernie.

Chris Ward: Adam, these are two of your co-workers, Ben Davis and Bernie Boswell. They’re fellow baggers.

Adam Hauck: Hello. Nice to meet you both… again, I guess. So there’s no girls up here, huh? I was kind of hoping for a love interest.

Bernie Boswell: Aren’t we all?

Ben Davis: There are girls in the building. Hailie Morgan, for example works in non-foods. But she’s my girlfriend. Then there’s Katie Collins. She works out in the fuel center. Of course she’s practically married, and just had a baby not too long ago.

Bernie Boswell: Is that it for the women of Kroger?

Chris Ward: I can’t think of anyone else.

Ben Davis: There have to be more women here. It’s just those are the only two we ever really talk to, and not so much to Katie since she went to the fuel center.

Adam Hauck: Well this is depressing.

Katie walks by. She spots the guys.

Bernie Boswell: Speaking of Katie. Here she is.

Katie Collins: Why were you speaking of me?

Adam notices how stunning Katie is. He’s instantly fallen for her. Which explains why he has trouble looking in her direction, and why he mainly focuses on Bernie. He’s shy.

Adam Hauck: So, uh, Bernie, are you gonna train me?

Katie Collins: Train you? Why would he have to train you?

Adam Hauck: It’s my first day again.

Katie Collins: Imma need you to get real.

Adam Hauck: “Imma” - why does that seem familiar to me?

Chris Ward: Katie, I need to talk to you for a moment.

They step aside.

Chris Ward: Adam has amnesia. He thinks it’s three years ago.

Katie Collins: Are you serious? Did he hit his head or something?

Chris Ward: I don’t know.

Katie Collins: Well if you want, I can hit him on the head just to see if it brings back his memory.

Chris Ward: No, that’s not a good idea. Bartlett is bringing in a shrink.

Katie Collins: Dr. Whetstone?

Chris Ward: Yeah. You know him?

Katie Collins: Oh yeah. He’s good. I saw him a while back for anger issues.

Chris Ward: He helped you, huh?

Katie Collins: Yeah. I used to berate people for a living. Now it’s just a hobby.

Chris Ward: (sarcastically) Well he’s a miracle worker.

Katie Collins: Imma need you to give the sarcasm a rest.

Chris Ward: Sorry. Say, you realize this is the longest conversation we’ve ever had together?

Katie Collins: Pretty sure it’s the first, too.

CUT TO: Adam is sitting in the conference room, which for the moment, is Dr. Whetstone’s office. They both look at one another.

Dr. Whetstone: Come on, Adam. If I’m going to help you, you need to be able to express your thoughts with actual words.

Adam Hauck: I’m just very confused. This isn’t what I expected to be walking into.

Dr. Whetstone: What were you expecting?

Adam Hauck: Well for one thing, that damned professor. The guy invites me here, but when I arrive, he’s nowhere to be found.

Dr. Whetstone: Are you referring to Stan Tincher?

Adam Hauck: Yeah.

Dr. Whetstone: His death has really affected you.

Adam Hauck: Not really. I didn’t know the guy. It’s affecting everyone else though. They think I’m bonkers because he’s dead.

Dr. Whetstone: Let me ask you something. What month is it?

Adam Hauck: February.

Dr. Whetstone: Good. Very good.

Adam Hauck: (sarcastically) Yeah, it’s a talent of mine to be able to know what month it is.

Dr. Whetstone: What’s the year?

Adam Hauck: 2013.

Dr. Whetstone: (laughs) You were all cocky earlier about the month and yet you got the year wrong.

Adam Hauck: Say what now?

Dr. Whetstone: It’s 2016. You’ve actually been at this Kroger for three years.

Adam Hauck: They tell me I’ve already been working at this store, but I had no idea it was for three years. I don’t remember a whole three years of my life?

Dr. Whetstone: It appears that way. Tell me, why did you come to this store?

Adam Hauck: I don’t think I’m allowed to tell you. You’ll blab it to everyone and then my secret’s out.

Dr. Whetstone: Adam, please. Doctor/patient confidentiality. What is said in this room, stays in this room.

Adam Hauck: It might shock you.

Dr. Whetstone: Please, I’ve heard it all before. There’s nothing you can say that will shock me. Go ahead.

Adam Hauck: Fine. I’m the Masked Bagger.

Dr. Whetstone: (shocked) Whoa! No way!

Adam Hauck: At least I came here to be the Masked Bagger. I don’t have any memories of being the hero of the store, but Chris assures me I’ve already seen action here. I have no reason to doubt him.

Dr. Whetstone: Well… this is, uh, some fascinating revelations.

Adam Hauck: I know.

Dr. Whetstone: So maybe the stress of saving the store on a daily basis, or I guess from what I’ve heard, more of a monthly basis, has finally gotten to you and you snapped. Your mind is taking you back to a simpler time - before all of your experiences at 717.

Adam Hauck: So what do I do to get my memory back?

Dr. Whetstone: You continue to be Masked Bagger. I have a theory about environment versus heredity.

Adam Hauck: Are you sure you came up with that? I’m pretty sure I saw it on The Three Stooges, where a guy tried to turn them into gentlemen. And let me tell you, it didn’t work.

Dr. Whetstone: Okay, so I didn’t come up with the theory, but I certainly believe in it. Now it doesn’t fully apply here. It’s just that with you simply being Masked Bagger, the environment will start to feel familiar and something - anything - may jog your memory.

CUT TO: Adam Hauck walks up front and begins to bag alongside Chris. Things are running smoothly when all of a sudden, six of the giant bird-men fly into the store. Chris notices them.

Chris Ward: Adam, it’s Masked Bagger time!

Adam Hauck: What is it?

Chris Ward: Your usual baddies. They’re easy to defeat. Don’t worry.

Adam runs into the bagger’s closet, presses his belt buckle and transforms into Masked Bagger. He exits the closet and one of the birds lands in front of him. His whole body is filled with fear as he has a bird phobia.

Masked Bagger: Gotta go!

Masked Bagger runs off. Chris heads into the bagger’s closet and changes into his Cart-Boy outfit. He comes out fighting. The odd thing for Adam is that running away from these birds feels like déjà vu. Maybe Whetstone isn’t such a quack. Maybe his memories will come back to him simply by continuing to do what he ordinarily does. Then again, it dawns on Adam that Whetstone got paid a lot of money to simply tell him to just keep doing what he normally does. Maybe Dr. Whetstone IS a quack! After running from the big scary birds for a while, Masked Bagger enters the back dock. There, he finds Mister Cleanshine.

Mister Cleanshine: I’ve been waiting for you, Guardian.

Masked Bagger: Who are you?

Mister Cleanshine: Good. Your brain is still spotless from before. Let us fight.

Masked Bagger: Yes, a good *clean* fight.

Mister Cleanshine: Your attitude is a might different this time around.

Masked Bagger: We’ve fought before?

Mister Cleanshine: Oh yes. It ended with me erasing three years of your memory. It was so much fun that I think I’ll erase the rest of your memory. You won’t even know your own name! You’ll be a nobody!

Cleanshine looks Bagger square in the face. Chemicals once again shoot out and are about to enter our precious hero’s big brown eyes. The kind of eyes women could stare into all day, if only they’d give Adam a chance once in a while. Anyways, Bagger takes out his spray bottle and sprays the chemicals. As they enter his eyes, they have a reverse affect. Bagger falls to the floor. Memories are being phased back into his brain. He thinks of Bernie and the time Banker Betty put out a reward for anyone who would unmask him…

Masked Bagger: Bernie! Stay back.

Bernie Boswell: Relax. I’m not going to unmask you.

Masked Bagger: But you’ve had a taste of the rich life. Don’t you want to go back to that?

Bernie Boswell: Money doesn’t bring happiness. Love does. All you need is love. Love is all you need. I heard that in a song once and it stuck with me. I don’t care who you are under that mask. You do good and we need you to keep us safe.

Bagger then remembers one of the few times while being (green-card) married to Hailie, that she was kind of nice to him…

Hailie Hauck: I don’t believe you! Pizza, again!?! What be the matter wit you? Don’t you want variety in yo eating?

Adam Hauck: I’ll answer that as plainly as I can… no.

Hailie grabs an apple from the fridge.

Hailie Hauck: Here, eat this apple instead.

Adam Hauck: What’s an apple doing in my fridge?

Hailie Hauck: I bought it. Now eat it.

Adam Hauck: Uh, I seem to recall the very first Adam eating an apple his woman gave him. Look how that turned out. No thanks.

Hailie Hauck: But you need to trim down. You pudgy.

Adam Hauck: Believe it or not, some women find a little pudge on a man very attractive.

They pause for a moment.

Adam Hauck: Did that sound like “little pudge” meant something else? Because I wasn’t referring to my, uh, I mean to say that I was talking about my pudgy body. Take your mind and firmly remove it from the gutter.

Hailie Hauck: I just care ‘bout you and want you to be healthy.

Adam Hauck: You do?

Hailie Hauck: Of course. We friends.

Adam Hauck: That warmed my heart…

The microwave goes off.

Adam Hauck: …and the microwave warmed my pizza!

A memory of Cart-Boy and himself on the roof of Kroger enters the Bagger’s brain next…

Masked Bagger: Why’d you call me up here? You’re not gonna whack me, are you?

Cart-Boy: No, but we successfully defeated Glup, but it won’t really feel like we won until we do something special.

Masked Bagger: What are you talking about?

Cart-Boy: Do you remember the ending of “Batman Forever”?

Masked Bagger: Batman and Robin running away from a lit up Bat-Signal?

Cart-Boy: Yes.

Cart-Boy flips a switch and suddenly a big MB signal appears.

Cart-Boy: Let’s run away from it.

Masked Bagger: Seriously? How did you even make this thing?

Cart-Boy: The spotlight was already up here. Your logo is easy to make.

Masked Bagger: So we’re really going to do this?

Cart-Boy: Of course. We need to work as a team. Let’s start acting like it by doing stuff like this.

Masked Bagger: Fine.

Masked Bagger and Cart-Boy stand side-by-side and run away from the signal. They reach the edge of the roof and stop.

Cart-Boy: That was underwhelming.

Masked Bagger: I agree.

Cart-Boy: I know! Let’s do it again in slow motion.

Bagger’s reminded of Katie Collins and the time they discussed their one and only date…

Adam Hauck: So, did you have a good time bowling?

Katie Collins: Yeah. It was a lot of fun.

Adam Hauck: (smiles) Remember when we had to wait for the lanes, so we made reservations for Hauck? Fifteen minutes later, they called out “Hackett to the front desk.”

Katie Collins: Yeah, lol. We went up to the counter to see if they meant us, and they did.

Adam Hauck: Did you just say “lol”?

Katie Collins: Yeah, haha.

Adam Hauck: Well do you think you’d want to do it again, sometime? Bowling, that is, not say “lol”.

Katie Collins: Of course, Puddin’.

Adam Hauck: Great. Well just let me know when is best for you and we’ll go again.

Katie Collins: Okay.

Just then, an announcement is made on the intercom.

Intercom Voice Masked Bagger to the dairy. Masked Bagger to the dairy. Those birds are back, and attacking customers.

Adam Hauck: Well, I’ll see you, Katie.

Katie Collins: You gonna hide?

Adam Hauck: Um, no. I’m not the coward you seem to think I am.

Katie Collins: Well, see ya.

Katie walks off. Adam runs over to the bagger’s closet.

Finally a memory of Professor Tincher.

Professor Tincher: Adam, are you okay?

Adam Hauck: (sniffles) Uh, yeah. I’m fine.

Professor Tincher: You’re not crying are you? Because that would turn this into Spider-Man 3, and no one needs that.

Adam Hauck: I was just thinking about Katie, which got me thinking about all the girls I’ve liked over the years that didn’t like me back. I mean, I’m a nice guy. I’d make a good boyfriend, right?

Professor Tincher: Of course you would. You’re a great guy. If I were a young lady, I’d… well I don’t think I should finish that sentence.

Adam Hauck: I can imagine where it was gonna go, and thanks.

Professor Tincher: I have a confession to make. Remember when you first came to 717 and I told you I chose you at random?

Adam Hauck: Yeah.

Professor Tincher: That was a lie. I researched all the employees at your store and you were by far the best person to bring here. There is so much more to you than even YOU know.

That did it. Our hero stands up bold and remembering the past.

Masked Bagger: I’m not a nobody. I’m The Masked Bagger! And that means something to somebody!

Mister Cleanshine: Who, for example?

Masked Bagger: For one, you. ‘cause I’m gonna kick your ass!

The 717 Guardian races over to Cleanshine and knocks him down. They are rolling around on the floor, fighting. After a few minutes, Bagger remembers the bag-gun and takes aim, then bags Mister Cleanshine. A victory once again for Masked Bagger!

CUT TO: Adam walks into the manager’s office. Mr. Bartlett, Katie, Chris, Ben, Bernie, Hailie and Chapman are all in there (one might say conveniently so).

Adam Hauck: Good news, everyone. I have my memory back. (to Bartlett) I remember everything.

Bartlett looks nervous, then takes a fifty dollar bill out of his wallet and hands it to Adam.

Adam Hauck: What’s this for?

Mr. Bartlett: What do you mean? You gave it to me earlier today.

Adam Hauck: Oh really? I actually don’t remember anything from today. Just before the memory loss and now.

Mr. Bartlett: Well then, you owed it to me.

Adam Hauck: Then here you go.

He hands the bill back to Bartlett.

Mr. Bartlett: Thanks.

Adam Hauck: I was kidding. I actually *do* remember today.

Mr. Bartlett: (nervous) Let me pay you back with interest. Here’s a hundred, and I’ll be going now.

He gives Adam the bill and then leaves.

Katie Collins: Wow, mad respect, Adam. You just made Bartlett your bitch.

Adam Hauck: Thanks, Katie. Oh by the way, I’m in love with you again.

Katie Collins: (annoyed) Here we go.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

[Adamantium]

**SEASON FINALE**

ISSUE #30. Adventures in Time-Travel

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Hailie Morgan alias Grocery Gal [pictured below]
Ben Davis alias The Re-Shopper [pictured below]
Bernie Boswell alias Kroger Kid [pictured below]
Gabe Chapman alias Courageous Clerk [pictured below]

Guest Starring:
Time-Clock [pictured below]
Justin Scott [pictured below]
Cart-Boy alias Chris Ward
Mr. Brad Bartlett alias Security Camera-Man [pictured below]
Tony Walmer
Kroger Devil
Plus Some Surprise Cameo Appearances!

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #30. Adventures in Time-Travel

Originally released on March 14th, 2016

The Time Has Come For This Episode…

Masked Bagger and Cart-Boy are standing in the manager’s office. Mr. Bartlett enters.

Mr. Bartlett: This is it. It’s your big day.

Masked Bagger: I know. I’m excited. How about you, Carts?

Cart-Boy: I’m as excited as I can be about something that doesn’t involve naked women.

Mr. Bartlett: Sorry, kid. No naked women. The reporter will be a fully clothed man named Tony Walmer.

Masked Bagger: I know him. He’s a little odd. You’re not going to make fun of him when he gets here, are you, Bartlett?

Mr. Bartlett: Of course not. I would never make fun of somebody to their face. I wouldn’t want to hurt their feelings. That’s why I only make fun of people behind their back. I’m just that kind of classy guy.

Cart-Boy: Here he comes now.

Tony Walmer, the reporter for the Kroger Gazette, enters the room.

Tony Walmer: There’s the Grocery-Store Guardians. How are we doing this morning?

Masked Bagger: Great, and yourself?

Tony Walmer: My mother’s in the hospital dying, so that sucks, but this interview is too important to miss. I’m all about priorities.

Bagger and Boy look at each other acknowledging what a terrible comment that was from Tony.

Mr. Bartlett: Forget about the chit-chat. Let’s get this show on the road. Start asking questions and taking pictures. This feels like it’ll be boring and I haven’t had my morning buzz yet, so I’ll see myself out.

Bartlett leaves. Tony turns to the masked heroes.

Tony Walmer: Let’s take your picture. Guys stand together and smile.

The duo do as they’re instructed. Tony takes the picture.

Tony Walmer: Great. We’ll do a few more after I interview you. Bagger, how long have you been at 717?

Masked Bagger: Since February of 2013. So just over three years.

Tony Walmer: Why do you do what you do?

Masked Bagger: There’s supernatural evil here at the store and someone has to fight it and keep it contained.

Tony Walmer: Who would you say is your number one arch nemesis?

Masked Bagger: Well the overall evil is Kroger Devil, but as far as super villains go, I’d have to say Pineapple-Man. He’s that prickly pariah from produce.

Tony Walmer: What’s the most amazing journey you’ve had since becoming the 717 Guardian?

Masked Bagger: Hmm, I guess it’s when I went back in time via the villainous Time-Clock. I got to go back to 1883, and meet Barney Kroger. I even helped out around the store during its grand opening.

Tony Walmer: Are you kidding?

Masked Bagger: Did that sound funny to you?

Tony Walmer: Not really, but it could have been your intention to make me laugh, and then it just didn’t work.

Masked Bagger: It’s a true story. That’s when I first came face to face with the Kroger Devil. Once I returned to 2014, however, I had to take down Time-Clock. He’s really a former co-manager named Chuck Hardy, who stole the time traveling armor from Professor Tincher, who invented it for the purposes of going back in time to save his lost son, Bailey.

Tony Walmer: So what happened to Hardy?

Masked Bagger: I punched him in the chest, and he entered some kind of time warp. I never saw him again. Tincher believed he’s bouncing around in time unable to control his destination, therefore, he may never return.

Suddenly, there’s a flash of light and Time-Clock appears, soaring through the air. He grabs a hold of Masked Bagger and Cart-Boy, and all three men vanish.

Tony Walmer: Damn, what a coincidence! We were *just* talking about him, too!

CUT TO: Masked Bagger and Cart-Boy have been dumped off while Time-Clock vanishes in a flash of light. They both get up off the floor and look around. They’re inside a Kroger, but it can’t be 717. It looks way too different. For one thing, the duo are up front and yet there are hardly any customers in the store. It appears to be a struggling business.

Cart-Boy: Where are we?

Masked Bagger: I don’t know. This definitely doesn’t look like our time period though. Not even close.

Cart-Boy: Time period? You mean we’ve traveled through time?

Masked Bagger: Yeah. That was Time-Clock who rammed into us, sent us here and vanished.

Cart-Boy: This is awesome! Looks like the future.

Masked Bagger: It probably is the future, but this is anything but awesome. Last time, I was told that once Time-Clock leaves the time period, you’re stranded there. I have no way of getting us home.

Cart-Boy: Don’t be such a worry wart. We’ll get home. Until then, let’s take in our surroundings.

The Grocery-Store Guardians begin their walk around the store. It looks totally different than the 717 of 2016. The registers have been converted into bagging stations, due to the fact that cashiers aren’t needed. There are card slots in front of every product on the shelf. The customer simply slides their debit card and puts the item into their hover-cart. If they for some reason want to put an item back, there’s a void button which puts the money back onto their card once the item is returned to the shelf.

Masked Bagger: This is all so crazy.

Cart-Boy: I knew baggers were more important to grocery stores than cashiers. And the cashiers act so superior to us. Obsolete jerks!

There are no paper signs in the store. Everything is digital. The prices light up blue for regular price and red for sale price. The front desk is merely a woman on a monitor. Crime had gotten so bad, that it wasn’t safe to deal with customers in person anymore. So she sits in the manager’s office with a two-way web-cam. The few amount of customers start to look at our heroes funnily. The employees are also intrigued by the visitors of the past. Justin Scott, the store manager, walks over to the duo.

Justin Scott: Welcome to Kroger. My name is Justin Scott. I’m the manager here. Are you by any chance Masked Bagger and his sidekick Cart-Boy?

Masked Bagger: Yes we are. You’ve heard of us?

Justin Scott: Of course I have. You two are legends. A hundred years ago, the two of you were doing a photo shoot for the Kroger Gazette when you suddenly vanished, never to be seen or heard from again.

Cart-Boy: Say what? Bagger, does this mean we don’t make it back?

Masked Bagger: I don’t have any of the answers. I’m not the Professor. I’m just a dumb-ass in a mask that was once trained by the Professor.

Cart-Boy: (to Justin) You said a hundred years. Does that mean we’re in 2116?

Just Scott: Yes. Funny you two should travel to this date in time. We’re going out of business today as a brick and mortar store, and as of tomorrow, we will be online sales only. This building will be converted into a warehouse to take on the internet orders. After all, most of our sales come from online customers anyways, so corporate decided to concentrate on those alone, since, as you can see, we barely do any business with actual people coming inside to shop.

Masked Bagger: This is pretty cool. I first traveled in time two years ago to the grand opening of the store and got to meet Barney Kroger. Now I’m here at the very end. I’m getting the full range of 717. But, um, we really vanished then? I mean… that’s the end of our story?

Justin Scott: Yes. We even have a wax museum of your history in one section of the store. I’ll show it to you guys if you want.

Masked Bagger & Cart-Boy: (excited) YES!

CUT TO: Justin, Bagger and Boy are entering the wax museum. There are wax figures of Masked Bagger, Cart-Boy, Professor Tincher, Retail-Red, Pineapple-Man, The Powder, Salt-Man, Big K, Mad Sacker, Moldy Pizza, a few of the bird-men and some other people of 717’s past.

Just Scott: So, Bagger. What do you think of your wax figure?

Masked Bagger: It’s cute, but it doesn’t get the full complexity of who I am. The dark depth that is my soul.

Cart-Boy: Oh please. You have the depth of Donald Duck.

Masked Bagger: That’s not true.

Cart-Boy: Fine. Dark-Wing Duck

Justin Scott: So do you guys want to work here? You can load groceries to be shipped for delivery.

Masked Bagger: No, thanks. The two of us have to figure a way to get back home.

Justin Scott: That’ll be impossible. Unless Time-Clock comes back. But after what happened the last time, I’m surprised he returned *this* time.

Masked Bagger: What do you mean?

Justin Scott: Time-Clock was here a few months ago. We took his suit of armor and then locked him up. One of our top scientists examined the suit and figured out how time travel works. This was just before Hardy broke free, grabbed the suit of armor, and took off on another adventure through time. His absence didn’t matter as Professor Gorshin already figured it out. Knowing the story behind the suit of armor, thanks to your hundred year old interview, Gorshin gave Stan Tincher full credit for inventing time travel. Thus, Tincher Technologies was born. The government searched the basement and found disc after disc of Tincher’s documented inventions, most of them to help you out in the fight against supernatural evil. Professor Tincher may have died far too young, but he left an amazing legacy behind. Ironically, thanks to someone who hated him - Chuck Hardy.

Cart-Boy: (proud) Way to go, Stan.

Masked Bagger: Wait, so you guys have time travel here? We can go back to 2016.

Justin Scott: Hold on, Mr. Bagger. Not at this store, we don’t. The government has the knowledge of time travel, but they don’t use it. It was decided that time travel could cause too many problems - this, after they sat down and watched “Back to the Future - Part 2.” So time travel is forbidden here.

Suddenly, there’s a page on the intercom.

Intercom Voice: Mr. Scott to the manager’s office. Mr. Scott to the manager’s office.

Just Scott: I have to go gentlemen, but I’ll be back. Just make yourselves at home.

Justin leaves.

Cart-Boy: So what are we going to do?

Masked Bagger: We go down to the basement lab and see what we can find down there.

CUT TO: A few hours later, back in 2016. Bartlett, Bernie, Chapman, Ben and Hailie, scared about the whereabouts of Masked Bagger and Cart-Boy, decide to protect the store in the duo’s absence.

Mr. Bartlett: Masked Bagger and Cart-Boy protect this store on a daily basis. I don’t know where they went, but there is no guarantee they’ll be back. I think it’s up to us to do something.

Gabe Chapman: What can we do?

Ben Davis: We put on costumes and save the store. Just until the duo come back, and they’ll be back. We all have to believe that.

Mr. Bartlett: I’m for that idea.

Hailie Morgan: Hey, where be Adam and Chris? We need them on our team.

Mr. Bartlett: Adam has the day off and Chris… uh… has the day off.

Ben Davis: So in other words, they’re both off today?

Mr. Bartlett: Yes. That’s how I should have worded it.

Hailie Morgan: Who should be the leader?

Bernie Boswell: I’m the only one of us with experience. I was The Kroger Kid for a day back in 2014. And let me tell you, the things I saw totally turned my stomach.

Ben Davis: What’d you see, man?

Bernie Boswell: Super villains, ungrateful customers, it was a mess. It’s possible I had an overly sensitive stomach that day because saying it out loud, I realize those things aren’t so bad. But it was enough to make me quit and go back to being… um… whatever job at Kroger I had back then.

Ben Davis: So we’re agreed. Bernie is not to be the leader. Not even second in command.

Hailie, Bartlett, Chapman: Agreed!

CUT TO: Bagger and Boy are in the basement lab of 2116. It hasn’t been taken care of. Stripped of the computer and trashed, it’s clear no one spends any time down here and hasn’t for a long while. Suddenly, the Kroger Devil appears in front of our heroes.

Kroger Devil: Long time, no see fellas.

Cart-Boy: Kroger Devil!!! I’m gonna kill you!

Kroger Devil: That is so cute thinking you can actually kill me. You are one adorable sidekick.

Cart-Boy: You killed my mom and Stan Tincher!

Kroger Devil: I did? (thinks for a moment) Oh yeah. I did. Boy do *you* hold a grudge. That was a hundred years ago.

Masked Bagger: What are you doing here, Devil?

Kroger Devil: This store is my playground. Has been since 1883. I’ve missed the two of you, though. Your friends tried to take up the slack when you vanished but they ran into an ambush when many of the super villains were freed. Your friends all died. That happened back in… let me think… March of 2016.

Masked Bagger: That’s when we left.

Kroger Devil: Very good. Always the perceptive bagger.

As the Devil is looking at Masked Bagger, Cart-Boy sneaks up behind the evil creature and rams him on the head with his handle bar. Kroger Devil turns around and laughs before punching the teen in the face, knocking him out.

Kroger Devil: I’m out of here. Though I’m not looking forward to the store closing its doors, I have to say. It’s a sad day if you ask me. Oh well, adios Masked Bagger.

The Devil vanishes into thin air. The 717 Guardian goes over to Cart-Boy to make sure he’s okay. A flash of light appears and Time-Clock returns. Cart-Boy wakes up. The two heroes get up to face the foe.

Time-Clock: I have returned Masked Bagger! And it wasn’t easy, but I didn’t want to just strand you here in the future. I want to kill you.

Masked Bagger: Give it your best shot, Time-Clock!

Time-Clock: Oh I shall.

Masked Bagger: Wait a second. Before we fight, I have to ask you something. Do you really have no control over where you go in time?

Time-Clock: I sometimes have the ability to attend a certain destination. I *did* come back here. But it’s not easy. I’m just bouncing around between 1883 and 2116. I can’t leave the existence of this Kroger.

Masked Bagger: We need to go back to September 10th, 2015.

Cart-Boy: (to himself) The day mom and Stan died.

Time-Clock: No way. I’m glad Stan’s dead.

Masked Bagger: You son of…

Just then, our precious but angry hero lunges at Time-Clock and punches him. That act causes the two of them to travel back in time together. They arrive in 1946. A mobster named Jerry Perelli, who’s cover is as a front office employee at 717, notices the brawl.

Jerry Perelli: I don’t believe it! The Masked Bagger! I thought he was only a legend!

Masked Bagger: Oh, I’m a legend alright.

Jerry Perelli: You’re about to be sleeping with the fishes!

Masked Bagger: Seriously? What the hell did I ever do to you?

Jerry Perelli: You could destroy my business.

Masked Bagger: What, are you in the mob or something?

Perelli takes out a Tommy gun and aims it at Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Okay, you’re way too touchy over the word “mob.” I get it!

Time-Clock: Focus on ME, Bagger.

Clock punches Bagger and they both arrive at a new destination. This time, they’re in June of 2013. The hero and villain find themselves in the front end as Mickey Tork is bagging. He turns around to see the fight.

Mickey Tork: Masked Bagger? What’s going on?

Masked Bagger: Mickey! It’s good to see you again!

Mickey Tork: What do you mean? You saw me about ten minutes ago.

Masked Bagger: (jokingly) And that’s too long, buddy!

Time-Clock lunges at Masked Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Gotta go, Mick!

Time-Clock and Masked Bagger vanish. The two time-traveling fighters arrive in the year 2008. Bagger recognizes the woman watching them. It’s Brooke Montgomery --- the Professor’s late wife! It’s a few months before the heartache of Bailey’s disappearance claims her life.

Brooke Montgomery: What’s going on?

Masked Bagger: Are you Brooke Montgomery?

Brooke Montgomery: Yes.

Masked Bagger: You’re married to Professor Stan Tincher?

Brooke Montgomery: Of course. Would you like to speak with him?

Masked Bagger: He’s here?

Brooke Montgomery: Yeah, in his office.

Bagger is excited at the thought of seeing Professor Tincher again, even if it’s before the two met, and so he’ll be a stranger to his late mentor. However, our precious hero sees Time-Clock running towards him and knows he has to act fast.

Masked Bagger: Brooke… about Bailey… he’s ali…

Unable to finish his sentence, one that could have prevented the deaths of Brooke, Tincher and Marlene, Time-Clock rams into him, forcing them to another time period of 717. This time, they arrive all the way back to 1883. Barney Kroger is standing behind the counter and is surprised to see the two arrive.

Barney Kroger: Why it’s the Masked Bagger! Don’t that beat all?

Masked Bagger: Mr. Kroger, you remember me?

Barney Kroger: You’re not forgettable. Besides, you left only yesterday. Not enough time has passed for me to forget you.

Masked Bagger: Listen. Something has been bugging me. Henry Preston, in the original history took a bullet for you. But Time-Clock killed him before he was able to. Now the history books have changed, naming me as the big hero. Can you please give the credit back to Preston? He should still be remembered as a hero.

Barney Kroger: Of course, I can. But I still feel the need to give you credit as well.

Masked Bagger: Well go ahead. I don’t mind some of the credit.

Time-Clock: I hate to break up a reunion between friends, but…

Time-Clock punches Masked Bagger and they end up back in 2116, where they originally left off on this journey.

Time-Clock: This isn’t over, Masked Bagger!!!

Time-Clock continues to travel through time uncontrollably, leaving the duo in the basement.

Cart-Boy: Masked Bagger! I thought I’d never see you again! You came back. How?

Masked Bagger: I don’t know. But it was quite the adventure. Let’s head upstairs. Justin and the others might be wondering about us.

CUT TO: The gang back in 2016 are in the manager’s office all dressed up in some pretty lame costumes, they’re passing off as their heroic personas.

Mr. “Security Camera-Man” Bartlett: We’re about to make our debut. This is exciting.

Hailie “Grocery Gal” Morgan: Yep. This be as exciting as that feeling before two people be pressing it.

Bernie “Kroger Kid” Boswell: I was scared before. I’ve always regretted walking away in the past. But now I have a crew behind me. I feel okay.

Ben “The Re-Shopper” Davis: Hey, “crew” - that could be our name… The Kroger Crew.

Gabe “Courageous Clerk” Chapman: I like it.

Mr. Security Camera-Man” Bartlett: Okay, Crew - head out!

Ben “The Re-Shopper” Davis: Before that, does anyone here actually know how to fight?

Everyone looks around at each other. None of them do.

Ben “The Re-Shopper” Davis: Okay. Just checking. Let’s go out there and try not to make *too* big a fool of ourselves!

CUT TO: 2116 - our heroes are chatting once again with Justin.

Masked Bagger: You know, I was thinking. Just because we vanished in the past, doesn’t mean we never return home.

Justin Scott: What do you mean?

Masked Bagger: In this timeline, yes, we traveled to the future, thus vanishing in the past upon arrival here. But we can still return home.

Justin Scott: If time is linear, then you two may very well return to 2016... But that would mean that this is a false future.

Justin pauses, realizing what that means. It sends a shiver down his spine. Suddenly, he decides Masked Bagger and Cart-Boy can never return to the past.

Justin Scott: I’ll be back, gentlemen. I have to get something. Please stay here.

He leaves.

Masked Bagger: The government has time travel. This won’t be easy, but at least we have a chance of going back home, and possibly saving your mom and Tincher.

Cart-Boy: I can’t believe it. We may be able to bring them back.

Masked Bagger: Don’t get your hopes up. We have a chance. That’s it. It’s not guaranteed or anything. Who knows what kind of complications lies in our future?

Justin returns.

Justin Scott: I’m going to shoot you both!

Masked Bagger: For example this. This is a complication.

Cart-Boy: Uh-huh.

Masked Bagger: Now don’t worry, Cart-Boy. My jacket is bulletproof.

Cart-Boy: Mine isn’t!

Masked Bagger: Oh yeah. You should probably worry.

Justin takes out a bazooka and aims it at our hero. Bagger begins to worry along with Cart-Boy.

Masked Bagger: (nervously) Did I do something to offend you? If so, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.

Justin Scott: I realized that if you two return to 2016, that will change the past, which may affect our present. I’m not a bad person, but I can’t let you return home.

Cart-Boy: That bazooka’s not gonna stop us. You’re an idiot!

Masked Bagger: Quiet, Carts. Let’s not piss off the man aiming a bazooka at me right now.

Justin snaps his fingers and twenty or so employees enter the scene. They are all carrying bazookas.

Masked Bagger: Well it’s been lovely visiting the future and all, but I say we’ve worn out our welcome. So Carts and I will be on our way.

Cart-Boy: I’ve been meaning to say this - I don’t like having “Carts” for a nickname.

Masked Bagger: We can discuss that later, but for now… run like hell!

Masked Bagger and Carts, I mean, Cart-Boy begin to run away from the bazooka mob.

Masked Bagger: Feet, don’t fail me now!

Bagger trips.

Masked Bagger: I said DON’T fail me now!

He gets up and continues running. The two head for the Bagger-Mobile, which hasn’t been used in a hundred years. They get inside.

Masked Bagger: I hope this baby works.

He turns the key and the vehicle begins to move. They drive off.

Masked Bagger: Alright! The chances of this vehicle running after a hundred years were slim, but sometimes slim comes through!

The bazooka mob continue chasing our duo throughout the store. However, the engine starts to die, causing the vehicle to drive slowly. No one is around to see this happen, so Bagger and Boy have a minute before they’re attacked.

Cart-Boy: What do we do, M.B.? I hear them coming!

Masked Bagger: I *see* them coming! I don’t know what to do.

The Bagger-Mobile has broken down. Our heroes are stranded with the lynch mob coming for them.

Masked Bagger: We won’t give up, but if this is it for us, I just wanted to say that I’m proud to have you as my sidekick, Chris.

Cart-Boy: Seriously? Because sometimes I think you hate me.

Masked Bagger: “Hate” is a strong word. You annoy me. All teenagers annoy me - even when I *was* one. Heck, I annoyed myself. But you’ve done some good work since becoming Cart-Boy, and I’m proud of you. Your mom and the Professor would be proud too.

Cart-Boy: Thanks, Bagger.

The teenage sidekick extends his arm for a handshake. Masked Bagger accepts and they shake hands. Then they look on at the mob, which is gaining on them.

Masked Bagger: Let’s not give up without a fight. These may have been innocent people, but they *are* trying to kill us right now.

Cart-Boy: You’re right. You take all the ones with bazookas and I got that old dude with the walker.

Masked Bagger: (sarcastically) Yeah, that’s fair.

It’s the end of the line for those Grocery-Store Guardians. But it’s also the end of time as the suit of armor is designed to only go as far back as 1883 (the grand opening of Kroger) and as far forward as 2116 (the closing of brick and mortar Kroger). As the clock strikes five, suddenly 717 has closed its doors to the public forever. Time has run out for Masked Bagger and Cart-Boy as they are automatically transported back to the year 2016 - home! They find themselves in front of the Kroger Crew. Everyone looks relieved: the duo, because their friends are still alive and the Crew, because this means they don’t have to do battle in the store.

Masked Bagger: What’s with the costumes?

Mr. “Security Camera-Man” Bartlett: You guys are back!

Bernie “Kroger Kid” Boswell: This means we don’t have to fight! I got out of being a superhero again. Phew!

Cart-Boy: Hey, Masked Bagger - the ambush!

Masked Bagger: Quickly - head down to the basement. Maybe they haven’t escaped yet.

Cart-Boy: On it!

Cart-Boy races to the basement and double checks the villains. He sees a latch that’s loose on one of the cells and tightens it. There’s no escaping today for the villains of 717.

CUT TO: Adam is sitting in the basement lab, thinking about how with time travel he may have been able to save the Professor. He’s also wondering if he’ll see Time-Clock again. Just then, Mr. Bartlett enters.

Mr. Bartlett: Adam, I just wanted you to know that next month, the new store manager will arrive.

Adam Hauck: Oh great. Who is he?

Mr. Bartlett: Well, sexist, it’s not a he at all. It’s a she. Can you handle that --- a strong woman in a position of power?

Adam Hauck: Of course, Bartlett.

Mr. Bartlett: Good. Because I don’t know how I feel about it myself, but she’s the only trainee that’s willing to take on this store.

Adam Hauck: So it’s a woman. Could she be my future wife?

Mr. Bartlett: She *could* be your future wife… if you make a hell of a lot of changes to yourself, son.

Adam Hauck: Never mind. What’s her name?

Mr. Bartlett: Miss Dalton… Mindy Dalton.

Adam Hauck: Mindy’s coming back here?

Mr. Bartlett: Oh that’s right. She *was* here before, wasn’t she?

Adam Hauck: Yeah.

Mr. Bartlett: Well she’s returning.

Adam Hauck: And the sexual tension continues!

Mr. Bartlett: Yes, well, I think I’ll leave you alone with your delusions. But first, I’ll just say I’m glad you’re back. This is where you belong.

Adam Hauck: Thanks. It’s been an amazing three years. I often wonder when it will end though.

Mr. Bartlett: I imagine when the Kroger Devil is finally destroyed.

Adam Hauck: I’m gonna have to kick things up a notch then. At least now I have a sidekick who I feel will do a great deal of good. Yep I think things are going to run smoothly for myself and Cart-Boy.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!
Read “Masked Bagger & Cart-Boy” coming soon!