Masked Bagger Adventures (issues 21-30) + Bonus Banta Bowler Story

[Adamantium]

**SEASON PREMIERE**

ISSUE #21. Shape-Shifting of 717 (Part 1)

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck (33 years-old)
Professor Stan Tincher (47 years-old)
Hailie Morgan (23 years-old)
Ben Davis (22 years-old)
Bernie Boswell (22 years-old)
Gabe Chapman (52 years-old)

[Adamantium]

Guest Starring:
Moldy Pizza [pictured below]
Marlene Ward [pictured below]
Jean Boswell [pictured below]

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #21. Shape-Shifting of 717 (Part 1)

Originally Released on June 16th, 2015

The Adventure Begins…

It’s a hot June morning. Adam pulls into the Kroger parking lot, and as he gets out of his car, he notices a skuzzy looking guy mugging Bernie outside.

Skuzzy Guy: Gimme your wallet!

Bernie Boswell: (nervously) Certainly. Just let me take out my cash, credit cards and ID first, and then it’s yours.

Skuzzy Guy: Don’t be a funny guy. Just give me your wallet.

Adam isn’t close enough to change into his Masked Bagger costume. So he grabs his spare mask, puts it on and takes off his ‘Adam’ nametag, and runs over to help out his friend.

Masked Bagger: I don’t think so! You’re not taking this man’s wallet.

Bernie Boswell: Masked Bagger? You’re underdressed.

Masked Bagger: It’s a hot day out. This is my alternate wear.

Bernie Boswell: I don’t know. I feel like you’re kinda half-assing it. What, you can’t put on your full costume to rescue me?

Masked Bagger: There was no time. Now what’s say we forget about what I’m wearing and more about capturing a bad guy. Bernie, call the police and tell them we’ve caught a mugger. While you’re doing that, I’ll actually catch the mugger.

Bernie Boswell: On it.

He takes out his cell phone and makes a call. Our brave hero turns to the mugger only to find he’s got a gun pointed at him. Bagger pauses for a moment before quickly taking the gun from his hand and turning it on the mugger himself.

Masked Bagger: Now *you’re* the one with a gun pointed at you. How does it feel, creep?

Just then, a policeman, who was already in the store when he got the call, goes outside and sees a masked man with a gun. Assuming Bagger to be the mugger, Officer Jones yells out…

Officer Jones: Freeze! Place the gun gently on the ground and step away!

Masked Bagger: You don’t understand, Officer. I’m a superhero. I’m Masked Bagger.

Officer Jones: Nice try, but I happen to know Masked Bagger wears a gray jacket with black sleeves. Now drop the gun!

Our future convict sets the gun on the ground and puts his hands on his head. The skuzzy man smiles and quickly grabs the gun. He shoots at the officer, but misses. Jones then approaches him and makes an arrest.

Masked Bagger: (to himself) If this is going to be the tone for this year, I’m tempted to quit right now.

CUT TO: A depressed Adam walks up to Professor Tincher, who’s sitting in his office.

Adam Hauck: I’m really tired of this place.

Professor Tincher: Why’s that?

Adam Hauck: Everything’s changed.

Professor Tincher: Life is about accepting change.

Adam Hauck: It just sucks. Mindy’s gone. Katie is on maternity leave and when she returns, she’ll be working out in the fuel center, so I’ll barely see her again. Hailie and I just got divorced, so I’m back to living alone. For the first time I’ve been here, there’s no girl to crush on. I don’t know what to do with myself without that will they/won’t they atmosphere.

Professor Tincher: Have you ever truly been a part of a will they/won’t they relationship?

Adam Hauck: In my mind, many times. But forget that. There’s no good changes lately.

Professor Tincher: I can think of one. I’m in love with an employee.

Adam Hauck: Look, I’m flattered, but since I’m straight, let’s just remain friends.

Professor Tincher: Not you! Marlene Ward.

Adam Hauck: The new woman from bakery? Nice. Are you two an item or something?

Professor Tincher: I’m conflicted. On the one hand, I’m her boss. I can’t date an employee. That’s inappropriate. On the other hand, I haven’t felt this way about anyone since Brooke. I should pursue this, right?

Adam Hauck: Of course!

Professor Tincher: Just the answer I wanted to hear.

CUT TO: Bernie and Ben are in line at the deli about to get some food.

Ben Davis: So that’s when I told her enough was enough, and I dumped her.

Bernie Boswell: Wow. That kind of reminds me of the time I dumped my high school sweetheart.

Ben Davis: I never knew you had a high school sweetheart.

Bernie Boswell: Well, she didn’t know about it, either - which made the break up a bit confusing for her and a little embarrassing for me, but I just had to do it. She wasn’t giving me enough attention.

A man by the name of Gabe Chapman stands behind Bernie. He kind of resembles Doc Brown of the Back to the Future trilogy.

Gabe Chapman: Bernie Boswell?

Ben Davis: Bernie, I think you’re about to go back to the future.

Bernie turns around. Chapman gets a huge smile on his face. He pauses for a moment and then begins chanting Bernie’s name.

Gabe Chapman: Bernie! Bernie! Bernie!

Bernie Boswell: (confused) Yes? Do I know you?

Gabe Chapman: Not yet. I know you though. You’re the Almighty. I hope to be your right hand man.

Ben Davis: This place is going more and more insane by the minute.

Bernie Boswell: I don’t understand.

Gabe Chapman: I bought a copy of your book.

Ben Davis: The only copy sold.

Gabe Chapman: Not true!

Bernie Boswell: Actually, that *is* true. We live in a messed up world.

Suddenly, a man with a pizza for a head peaks around the corner. Mold on his face allows him to shape shift.

Moldy Pizza: (to himself) I’ve spent many years blending in. Time to cause some chaos and take down this store from the inside.

The pizza face morphs into Professor Tincher and goes over to Ben.

Professor Tincher: Ben, can I speak to you for a moment?

Ben Davis: I’m on my lunch. Can it wait?

Professor Tincher: I’m afraid not. You’re fired.

Ben Davis: For what? I didn’t do anything!

Professor Tincher: Exactly. You never do anything. This store needs employees willing to do many things.

Bernie Boswell: Mr. Tincher, you can’t fire Ben!

Professor Tincher: Not only can I fire him, but I can also fire you if you don’t stay out of this.

Gabe Chapman: You can’t talk to the Almighty like that! I’m gonna deck you!

Chapman punches Tincher, who falls to the floor. Unconscious, he morphs back into Moldy Pizza. The three guys all look confused. Has Tincher been this creature all along, they wonder? Just then the real Professor Tincher walks by and notices what’s happened.

Professor Tincher: Who’s this?

Ben Davis: Mr. Tincher!

Professor Tincher: What?

Ben Davis: This guy was pretending to be you. He fired me. He doesn’t have the authority to fire me, though. Does he?

Professor Tincher: Of course not. I don’t even know who he is.

Tincher gets a good look at Moldy Pizza.

Professor Tincher: Or *what* he is.

CUT TO: Later in the day. Adam has gone home, but returns to the store after being summoned by the Professor. He enters the basement, wiping tears from his eyes. Tincher notices that he’s been crying.

Professor Tincher: What’s wrong, Adam?

Adam Hauck: Nothing.

Professor Tincher: You’ve clearly been crying. Is it because Mindy left?

Adam Hauck: No.

Professor Tincher: Is it over Katie again?

Adam Hauck: No.

Professor Tincher: Well then what is it?

Adam Hauck: I was just watching My Girl again. The ending gets me every time. Now what did you want to see me about?

Professor Tincher: We have a new villain. Well actually we have an old villain. His name is Moldy Pizza. The mold on his face allows him to shape-shift. He’s already been incarcerated.

Adam Hauck: Well then why are you telling me about him?

Professor Tincher: So you know what’s going on. Put your mask on and go in the prison to take a look at him.

Adam Hauck: My mask?

Professor Tincher: We don’t want the villains wondering why mild-mannered Adam Hauck is down here checking them out.

Adam grabs a mask and walks down the hall o’ villains. He reaches cell #15 and it’s empty. He goes back to the Professor to tell him.

Adam Hauck: Uh, Professor, cell #15 is empty. I thought you had some new old villain in there.

Professor Tincher: What?

Unbeknownst to them, Moldy Pizza morphed into the skinniest man alive, and slipped through the bars, making his escape.

CUT TO: The next day. Bernie, Jean, her son Daniel (aged 62) and her daughter Mary (aged 57) are at Bernie and Jean’s wedding reception. That’s right. Bernie is now a married man!

Bernie Boswell: Jean, it finally happened. We’re married.

Jean Boswell: Yes, my dear. I look forward to our life together.

Bernie Boswell: And look here, I now have two stepchildren. Daniel, Mary, I want to be up front in that I have no intentions of replacing your late father. However, I *will* be a father figure to you both. That means good things as well as bad. If you draw me a picture, I’ll put it up on the fridge. However, if you show me attitude, I will not hesitate to throw you over my knee and spank your bare bottom. But I love you both very much, and I always will.

Jean Boswell: Oh that’s so sweet. Isn’t it, children?

They both look at their mother as if she is insane.

Bernie Boswell: We can go on family vacations. We *will* eat dinner together as a family everyday. We can…

Jean Boswell: (interrupts) Bernie, sweetie, we don’t live together. Mary and Daniel live with their own families. It’ll be just you and me at the house.

Bernie Boswell: Really? Oh good, because I have to confess to something. I prefer to eat alone, while watching TV. I just wanted to be a good stepfather and let my kids know they are wanted and loved, but also if they showed me any sass, I wouldn’t be opposed to punishing them.

CUT TO: Adam, Tincher, Hailie and Ben all enter the manager’s office. They’ve returned to work from the reception.

Professor Tincher: Well the first one of our little group has gotten married. I mean actually married. Not a green card marriage. I just can’t believe it’s Bernie though.

Adam Hauck: Who’d you think it was gonna be?

Professor Tincher: I guess I figured it would be Katie. Since she’s been with this Austin guy for over a year now, and they live together, and she’s about to have his baby.

Adam Hauck: I’m sorry I asked.

Ben Davis: Man, I can’t believe Jean married him. I mean, how desperate is she?

Hailie Morgan: Yeah, that be crazy. After just getting out of a marriage myself, my brain cells be smoking, wondering why anyone would ever want to tie the knot.

Adam Hauck: Oh come on. We had some good times.

Hailie Morgan: Nice that you think that.

Adam Hauck: Besides, our marriage was fake so I could stay in the country. What Bernie and Jean have is the real thing. Those two crazy kids are going to be together for a long time.

CUT TO: Later in the day. Bernie rushes into the manager’s office where Tincher is sitting at his desk.

Bernie Boswell: Mister Tincher!

Professor Tincher: Bernie? What’s going on?

Bernie Boswell: It’s Jean. She’s dead!

Professor Tincher: What? How?

Bernie Boswell: Apparently her heart wasn’t strong enough for - you know - passionate, steamy love-making.

Professor Tincher: She died during the act?

Bernie Boswell: Yes! This was our first time, too. We were waiting for our wedding night to consummate the relationship.

Professor Tincher: Bernie, I’m so sorry. This is terrible.

Tincher gets up and gives Bernie a hug. While embraced, Bernie asks…

Bernie Boswell: What am I going to do without Jean? She was the love of my life.

CUT TO: The next day. Adam is up front bagging, when he spots a man stealing a woman’s purse. He runs over to the bagger’s closet and comes out as The Masked Bagger! He chases after the man.

Masked Bagger: Stop - in the name of the law!

Thug: You’re not no cop!

Masked Bagger: That’s a double-negative. So it’s like you’re saying I *am* a cop! But, no, I’m not a cop.

Thug: Then go away.

Masked Bagger: I am the guardian of 717!

Thug: You guard a number?

Masked Bagger: 717 is the store number. I’m guardian of the store.

Thug: That’s stupid. Why not just have a security guard?

Masked Bagger: Just get back here so I can capture you!

The thug throws the purse at our hero, but of course the Bagger continues to chase after this creepy-looking man.

CUT TO: Tincher walks over to the bakery. He spots his new crush, Marlene Ward. She’s alone. He approaches her.

Professor Tincher: How’s Marlene this morning?

Marlene Ward: I’m fine, Mr. Tincher. How are you?

Professor Tincher: I’m good. But please, no formalities. We’ve known each other over two months. We’re friends. Just call me Stan.

Marlene Ward: Okay, Stan.

Professor Tincher: How’s Chris?

Marlene Ward: He’s good. He just can’t seem to find a job at the moment. It’s just the two of us and we need the extra income. I may have to take a second job.

Professor Tincher: Nonsense. Just have him apply here. At sixteen, he can be a bagger. I’d love to have your son working for us.

Marlene Ward: Thanks, Mister… uh, Stan. But I don’t want any favoritism.

Professor Tincher: I insist.

Marlene Ward: Why would you do this for me?

Professor Tincher: You know I like you, right? I mean, I’ve been fairly obvious about it. I’m not good at being subtle, it turns out.

Marlene Ward: I know, and I’ve had a crush on you since the moment I first laid eyes on you.

Professor Tincher: Really?

Marlene Ward: Yes. I guess I’d just feel weird about dating my boss, so I never said anything about it to you.

Suddenly Tincher wonders if this is actually Moldy Pizza disguised as Marlene. This conversation was going too well, after all. He gets very paranoid.

Professor Tincher: Really?

Marlene Ward: Yes.

Professor Tincher: Since the first time you laid eyes on me?

Marlene Ward: Yes.

Professor Tincher: Do you remember that moment exactly? Because I certainly do.

Marlene Ward: What?

Professor Tincher: The moment you first laid eyes on me. Do you remember where that was?

Marlene Ward: Your office.

Professor Tincher: Lucky guess.

Marlene Ward: What’s going on?

Professor Tincher: Do you remember last week when I told you about my late wife?

Marlene Ward: Of course… Brooke.

Professor Tincher: I’ve told everyone about Brooke. You could have heard elsewhere.

Marlene Ward: Are you okay? You seem uncomfortable around me, all of a sudden.

Professor Tincher: You’d like me to be comfortable around you. Just when I’m feeling complete happiness with my life, your face turns ugly and you reveal yourself to be a man with a pizza complexion!

Marlene Ward: What? Is that a situation that’s happened to you before?

Suddenly, Masked Bagger, still chasing the creepy-looking guy, runs past the bakery. He tackles the man, who immediately transforms back into Moldy Pizza. Professor Tincher witnesses this and is relieved.

Professor Tincher: I’m just kidding around, Marlene. This is Pretend to be Insane to your Employees Day.

Marlene Ward: Wow. Okay, I think they’ve gone overboard with the national holidays.

Back to the 717 Guardian, who’s on top of the villain.

Masked Bagger: It’s over, Moldy.

Moldy Pizza: You can’t do this to me! You owe me!

Masked Bagger: I owe you? For what?

Moldy Pizza: I saved your life.

Masked Bagger: How, by…?

Moldy Pizza: You zoned out. Are you okay?

Masked Bagger: Yeah. I try to be a funny superhero, and that seemed like the perfect spot for a joke, but I can’t think of one. So just tell me how you saved my life.

Moldy Pizza: It was about a year and a half ago. Because I’m a shape-shifter, I’m actually the original super villain. Only no one knows that because I blend in. So one day, I parked on the side of the building and got out of my car, when I saw you and some bird burst through the window of the break room. The bird instantly died and you were falling to your death. I transformed into one of the bird-men and flew up to catch you. Then I placed you in the bird’s nest.

Masked Bagger: That was YOU? I always wondered why one of the evil creatures did that. Wait, if you’re evil too, why did you save me?

Moldy Pizza: I don’t know. It’s just something I did without thinking. However, later on I figured if you were to catch me, I could use that to hopefully be let go.

Masked Bagger: Sorry. I can’t do that.

The 717 Guardian aims his bag-gun at Moldy Pizza.

Moldy Pizza: You jerk!

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is carrying the bagged villain into the prison. Professor Tincher comes over.

Professor Tincher: What are you doing?

Masked Bagger: What do you mean?

Professor Tincher: Usually I’m the one who incarcerates the villains. I came down here specifically to do that.

Masked Bagger: I didn’t see you, so I thought I’d go ahead and do it myself. Is this a problem?

Professor Tincher: No. I guess not. You know how to do it?

Masked Bagger: Of course I do. You pick a cell, open the door, open the bag, and throw them in. Then you lock the door and go about your business. Please, Tincher, give me *some* credit.

Professor Tincher: You’re absolutely right. I’m sorry. I guess I’m acting as a parent right now. I fear you’re growing up and won’t need me anymore.

Masked Bagger: Nonsense.

Tincher walks away. The Bagger opens the cell door, rips open the bag, dumps the inhabitant into the cell and closes the door. The only problem is Masked Bagger is the one in the cell. Outside, a transformation takes place as “Masked Bagger” morphs back into Moldy Pizza. He then leaves the basement.

CUT TO: Ben is walking from the break room to the front end of the store, when he spots Jean Boswell.

Ben Davis: Hi, Jean. How’s married life?

Jean Boswell: It’s great.

Suddenly Ben remembers that Jean is dead.

Ben Davis: WAIT! WHAT?!!!?

Jean Boswell: What’s that, dear?

Ben Davis: You’re supposed to be dead!

Jean Boswell: I am? (pause) Oh.

Jean then transforms into Moldy Pizza.

Moldy Pizza: Sorry. I didn’t know she was dead. That’s too bad. Bernie really loved her.

He transforms into a normal-looking customer and casually walks off.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher enters the prison section of the basement. He walks up to Masked Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Professor, it’s me. Get me out!

Professor Tincher: Nice try, Moldy. You’ve morphed into Masked Bagger. How dumb do you think I am?

Masked Bagger: It’s really me!

Professor Tincher: How do I know it’s really you?

Masked Bagger: Because I texted you with my phone, informing you to come get me.

Professor Tincher: How did this happen?

Masked Bagger: I was about to bag him, when he grabbed the gun and shot me with it. Then, I assume he just morphed into me, and carried me down here.

Professor Tincher: I thought you were being a bit touchy earlier. It’s kinda scary thinking of a villain being down here, and not in a cell.

Masked Bagger: We gotta get this guy. He told me he’s the original villain, but basically he’s been blending in for over two years.

Professor Tincher: That’s a creepy thought. Okay, before I let you out, I need you to say the code word.

Masked Bagger: Code word?

Professor Tincher: The code word we made up two years ago in case we came across a shape-shifter pretending to be either of us. That way we’d know which one to shoot.

Masked Bagger: Oh, yeah. Tubal Cain.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher, Adam Hauck, Ben Davis, Hailie Morgan, Gabe Chapman and Bernie Boswell are sitting around the manager’s office, having a memorial for Jean.

Professor Tincher: I’d like to make a toast to Jean Boswell - one heck of a good woman. Bernie, do you have anything to say?

Bernie Boswell: I’d like to say that in her prime she was a great lover. Unfortunately, I don’t know that for sure as my experience with her was (pause) just okay. But she shouldn’t be remembered for how she went out. She should be remembered for the great life she lived, the beautiful smile she had, and the loving spirit she was. I will miss her so, so much.

Ben Davis: I was iffy on the two of you getting married so soon after meeting. Now I get it. When you’re her age, you can’t take things slow. Any day could be your last.

Professor Tincher: Well technically that’s true at any age.

Gabe Chapman: We know one thing about Jean. She was not into Boswellity. Boswellity ensures immortality.

Bernie Boswell: No. I was never able to convert her.

Adam Hauck: To think, just three days ago, you were a bachelor. Now you’re a widower. You lead such an interesting life, Bernie.

Bernie Boswell: Yeah, now if only I could lead a happy one.

Hailie Morgan: You be a’ight, Bernie.

Bernie Boswell: I don’t see how.

A gentleman enters the office.

Mr. Roberts: Is there a Bernie Boswell here?

Bernie Boswell: Yeah. I’m Bernie.

Mr. Roberts: I’m Mr. Darrin Roberts. I phoned earlier.

Bernie Boswell: Oh right. You had something to tell me about Jean.

Mr. Roberts: Mr. Boswell, your wife has put you in her will. Since she has just passed away, I am here to inform you of what you have been bequeathed.

Bernie Boswell: (confused) Huh?

Mr. Roberts: This is what Jean has left you in her will.

Bernie Boswell: Oh, okay. But I can’t imagine what it could be. Still, no matter what it is, I’ll love it, and cherish it for the rest of my life.

Mr. Roberts: Mrs. Jean Boswell has bequeathed her husband, Bernie Boswell, the sum total of seven point three million dollars.

Bernie Boswell: Say what now?

Mr. Roberts: 7.3 million dollars. She’s left you her entire fortune.

Bernie Boswell: Jean had money? I never knew that!

Mr. Roberts: You mean to say to me that you didn’t marry her for her money?

Bernie Boswell: Of course not.

Mr. Roberts: Wow. Well at any rate, you are now the proud inheritor of lots of dough.

Bernie Boswell: I love Jean so much and will miss her for the rest of my life, but… I’m stinking rich!!! You’re right, Hailie. I WILL be “a’ight.” Yahoo!!!

TO BE CONTINUED…

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #22. Shape-Shifting of 717 (Part 2)

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Stan Tincher
Hailie Morgan
Ben Davis
Bernie Boswell
Gabe Chapman

Guest Starring:
Moldy Pizza
Marlene Ward
Katie Collins [pictured below]
Maitland Collins of 2036 [pictured below]
Tobey Hartman of 2007 [pictured below]

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #22. Shape-Shifting of 717 (Part 2)

Released on June 25th, 2015

And Now We Continue The Story…

Professor Tincher is sitting in the manager’s office. Adam enters the room.

Adam Hauck: Professor, it’s 2:30. Isn’t this the time you usually walk around the store and “casually” make your way over to the bakery to flirt with Marlene?

Professor Tincher: Yes it is, but Bernie called me, and wanted to discuss something, so I’m waiting on him to get here.

Adam Hauck: Bernie Boswell. That guy is something else. I can’t believe he inherited seven million dollars.

Professor Tincher: I’m wondering about that. Bernie didn’t know Jean was rich. Maybe she wasn’t. Maybe this is all a ploy from Moldy Pizza.

Adam Hauck: But why?

Professor Tincher: I don’t know but I’m willing to bet that Bernie is coming here today to beg for his job back.

Bernie enters. He’s dressed up in rich men’s clothes. For he is now rich himself. Gabe Chapman also enters. He’s dressed as a chauffer.

Bernie Boswell: Mr. Tincher, how are we doing today?

Professor Tincher: Fine, and you?

Bernie Boswell: I feel like a million bucks. Or should I say seven million? Because that’s how much I have, you know.

Professor Tincher: So what did you want to talk about?

Bernie Boswell: You should know that I’ve invested my money into a grocery store.

Professor Tincher: You have? Which one?

Bernie Boswell: This one. I went to corporate to buy the chain of Kroger stores but, uh, I didn’t have enough money. Sounds silly, I know.

Professor Tincher: What are you getting at?

Bernie Boswell: I’ve made a deal with corporate and I’ve bought just this store - 717.

Professor Tincher: How can you do that?

Bernie Boswell: Money talks, Stanny boy.

Professor Tincher: Please don’t call me “Stanny boy.”

Bernie Boswell: You got it, Stan the man.

Professor Tincher: So what does all this mean?

Bernie Boswell: It means I own this store. Corporate for 717 is now me. But I’m also going to manage the store. So this office is now mine.

Professor Tincher: Um, what about me?

Bernie Boswell: Well this certainly isn’t season six of “The Office,” where they had two co-managers functioning as one branch manager. You’ll either be transferred or demoted.

Professor Tincher: I can’t leave this store. It’s my life.

Bernie Boswell: Then relax. You don’t have to leave. What department would you like to work in?

Professor Tincher: I don’t know. The photo lab, I guess.

Bernie Boswell: We still have a photo lab?

Professor Tincher: Yes.

Bernie Boswell: Then you get to run it, just like you want to. I gotta say it feels good to give people the things they want.

Adam Hauck: Everything’s moving so fast. I’m still a bagger, right?

Bernie Boswell: Yes, but you can’t keep wandering off like you do. You need to be present at the front end all the time, unless you’re on a break. Boswell’s will be run tighter than Kroger’s.

Professor Tincher: Boswell’s?

Bernie Boswell: I’m renaming the store Boswell’s, after my award winning book.

Professor Tincher: Your book is award winning?

Bernie Boswell: Sure is. “The Best Book Ever Written Award.”

Gabe Chapman: I created and presented the award to him myself.

Bernie Boswell: You have until the end of your shift today to clean out your office.

CUT TO: Marlene and Hailie are upstairs in the break room.

Hailie Morgan: This be a great thing. Katie be real happy.

Marlene Ward: You have an interesting way of speaking.

Hailie Morgan: Thanks.

Marlene Ward: It wasn’t a compliment.

Hailie Morgan: We don’t be having no time for the insults. Katie will be here in five hours.

Marlene Ward: She’ll have a nice time at the baby shower.

Hailie Morgan: Dang tootin’ she will.

CUT TO: Moldy Pizza is disguised as a customer at the pharmacy getting his blood pressure checked. As he’s doing that, he’s thinking to himself how he went from Tobey Hartman to the villain he is today.

* * Flashback to 2007 * *

Tobey Hartman was a 26-year-old man working in grocery. He was often called “Pizza Face” for the splotches on his cheeks and forehead. He’s on the back dock, breaking down a skid. Professor Tincher and his son (soon to be The Powder) Bailey Moore enter.

Professor Tincher: It’s your turn to clean the cleaning center, son.

Bailey Moore: But dad, I hate doing this.

Professor Tincher: You’re not doing this just for the heck of it. I’m paying you to do it. It’s all part of the job. Now when you’re done straightening up the area, I want you to scoop up Spill Magic from the box into the jugs, and place them around the store in their correct stations.

Bailey Moore: Ugh, this is so annoying.

Tincher walks over to Tobey and smiles.

Professor Tincher: Teenagers.

Tobey Hartman: You can say that again, sir.

Professor Tincher: So how are you doing today, Tobey?

Tobey Hartman: So far so good.

Professor Tincher: Listen, I had a talk with Vince Beckett, and he’s not going to be calling you “Pizza Face” anymore.

Tobey Hartman: What about “Pepperoni Puss”?

Professor Tincher: Well that one was a little tougher to get him to stop saying, but I think it’ll be okay. If he says it again, I’ll write him up.

Tobey Hartman: Thanks, sir.

Professor Tincher: Not a problem. Well carry on. I’ve gotta get back to the office.

As the Professor walks away, he stops and says to Bailey…

Professor Tincher: I love you, son.

Bailey Moore: (embarrassed) Dad!

Tobey continues working on the skid. He takes out his box cutter and then swipes the plastic wrap, but accidentally cuts his finger. As he goes to get a band-aid from his locker, he notices a glowing jar of pizza sauce on the table in the break room. He picks it up and it explodes. The radioactive sauce touches the cut on Tobey’s finger and pretty soon, all of the blood in his body is transformed into pizza sauce. His face turns into an actual pizza, and because he has to resemble his previous self and have a messed up face, splotches of mold appear. He runs downstairs to the restroom and looks in the mirror. He’s a freak. Even more so than before.

Moldy Pizza: No! This can’t be what I look like! What’s happening to me? What’s happening!!!!!!

Never comfortable with his looks, Tobey feels angry that he has to look even worse than before. How is he going to face anybody ever again? He pictures a very handsome man, wishing he could be him, when all of a sudden, the mold comes together to form a new face (and because it’s part of his super powers, the clothes change themselves, too, as well has his voice to match that of the handsome man).

Moldy Pizza: I’m a shape-shifter! This is great! I never have to look like Tobey Hartman again!!

He then shape-shifts into his crush, Jenna, and smiles.

Moldy Pizza/Jenna: I can have fun with this.

CUT TO: Present day. Professor Tincher and Adam are in the photo lab.

Professor Tincher: I can’t believe this is happening.

Adam Hauck: I know. But of all the jobs here, why did you choose the photo lab?

Professor Tincher: Because the photo lab contains the second secret entrance to the basement. Plus, I can still have the freedom to move around the store, seeing as the lab isn’t very busy these days.

Adam Hauck: Oh, very clever, Professor.

Professor Tincher: Of course, but this still sucks. I’ve been the boss for over twenty years. I’m not gonna know what to do as just one of the employees.

Adam Hauck: Hey, I just thought of something. You didn’t want to ask out Marlene because you’re her boss. But now that you’re not her boss anymore, it’s not inappropriate for you to date her.

Halfway through that sentence, Tincher took off to find Marlene. Adam decided to finish the sentence anyway, because he likes to complete things.

CUT TO: Tincher at the bakery with Marlene.

Professor Tincher: Marlene, I have some wonderful news!

Marlene Ward: What is it, Stan?

Professor Tincher: I’ve been demoted. I’m no longer the manager.

Marlene Ward: How is that wonderful news?

Professor Tincher: Because now I can do this… Marlene, would you like to go on a date with me tomorrow night?

Marlene Ward: (smiles) Yes. I would. Although I have to admit that some of my attraction to you has faded away now that you’re not the boss anymore.

Professor Tincher: Really?

Marlene Ward: No! I’m only joking, Stan.

Professor Tincher: Okay. That’s funny. But I haven’t asked out a woman since 1994. So my nervousness affects my appreciation for the joke.

CUT TO: The manager’s office. It’s a staff meeting with all of the main characters (except for Katie) present. Bernie is in charge of the meeting.

Bernie Boswell: Welcome everyone to the first ever Boswell’s staff meeting. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Bernie Boswell.

Ben Davis: We all know you. You’ve worked here for years.

Bernie Boswell: Please, if you have a comment, raise your hand.

Ben raises his hand.

Bernie Boswell: Chappy, will you please take care of this?

Gabe Chapman walks over to Ben and gets up in his face and shouts…

Gabe Chapman: Hand down!!!

Ben puts his hand down. Chapman returns to his spot next to Bernie - or as he calls him - The Almighty One.

Bernie Boswell: This store has been Kroger since 1883, when Barney Kroger opened his own business. Legend has it, with the help of Masked Bagger, proving that he’s either an immortal or like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a new Bagger for every generation. So I’d like to invite the 717 Guardian to remain the defender of the store even though it’s now called Boswell’s and has a brand new origin story. You guys are all living its origins.

Adam Hauck: I’d like to speak for Masked Bagger, as he’s a good friend of mine, and graciously accept your offer.

Bernie Boswell: Adam, what are you doing here? We already have a representative bagger present for the meeting - Ben.

Adam Hauck: I always come to the meetings.

Bernie Boswell: Maybe at Kroger you did, but not at Boswell’s. Ben is our designated bagger for the meetings.

Adam Hauck: Well then what do *I* do?

Bernie Boswell: Here’s a novel idea. How about you bag groceries?

Adam Hauck: But I don’t want to.

Bernie Boswell: Then you’re fired. Chappy, please escort Adam out of the building.

Gabe Chapman: You got it, Almighty.

Chapman picks Adam up and carries him out of the office.

Professor Tincher: You can’t fire Adam!

Bernie Boswell: Why not?

Professor Tincher: He’s a valuable member of the staff.

Everyone laughs. Remember, they don’t know he’s also Masked Bagger. They just know him as a bagger who’s almost never around when groceries need bagged.

CUT TO: Later in the day, Adam is in his Masked Bagger outfit, making his rounds throughout the store. He bumps into Professor Tincher.

Masked Bagger: Professor, what am I going to do?

Professor Tincher: Don’t worry. I’ve talked it over with Bernie and you’ve been rehired.

Masked Bagger: Really? How’d that happen?

Professor Tincher: Well I was getting nowhere with him until I came up with the idea to say it was actually Moldy Pizza disguised as Adam at the meeting saying what he said. So you have to pretend that wasn’t really you in the office earlier.

Masked Bagger: Will do. No one would believe that Chapman could easily pick me up and carry me out anyways.

Professor Tincher: Actually no one had a problem believing that could happen to you.

Masked Bagger: Well anyway, they think it’s Moldy Pizza now.

Professor Tincher: Speaking of Moldy Pizza, any clue as to where he might be?

Masked Bagger: No. How would I even know, though. He could be *anyone* right now. He’s blended in for years before making his presence known. There’s a chance I’ll never catch him.

Professor Tincher: Don’t say that. But when you catch him, you can take him down to his cell. I’ve worked on it and there’s no way he can escape through the bars this time. So once he’s in, he’s in to stay.

Masked Bagger: I just have to find him and send him there.

CUT TO: A few minutes later, Masked Bagger accidentally bumps into a customer. That customer instantly morphs into Moldy Pizza.

Masked Bagger: I’m sorry…

He realizes it’s Moldy Pizza.

Masked Bagger: Not!

Moldy Pizza: You know, this store was running just fine before you came here.

Masked Bagger: No it wasn’t. That’s why I was called in to come and defend it.

Moldy Pizza: We don’t need you here. So leave!

Masked Bagger: You have no authority over me.

Moldy Pizza morphs into Professor Tincher.

Professor Tincher: Leave! You’re fired!

Masked Bagger: Apparently you didn’t get the memo. Mister Tincher isn’t the boss anymore. Bernie Boswell is.

Professor Tincher: You’re kidding me.

He returns to his pizza persona.

Moldy Pizza: How did that happen?

Masked Bagger: Bernie inherited seven million dollars and bought the store. He made himself the manager.

Moldy morphs into Bernie Boswell.

Bernie Boswell: You’re fired!

Masked Bagger: I’m not stupid. I know it’s just you disguised as Bernie. And that doesn’t give you the actual authority to do anything to me.

The Guardian takes out his bag-gun and aims it at Bernie, who quickly transforms into a Kroger bird-man, and flies up, grabbing the bag-gun with his claws and then drops it, breaking it on the floor.

Masked Bagger: This bag-gun has got to stop being broken during virtually every fight I’m in!

He takes out a small walkie-talkie and speaks into it.

Masked Bagger: Professor Tincher, come in. Come in, Professor Tincher.

Professor Tincher: (voice only) What is it, Masked Bagger?

Masked Bagger: I need a new bag-gun, stat.

Professor Tincher: (voice only) On it!

A few minutes later, Professor Tincher arrives with a bag-gun, however, there are two Masked Baggers. He doesn’t know which one to shoot.

Masked Bagger #1: Give it here, Professor.

Masked Bagger #2: No, don’t do that. I’m the real Masked Bagger.

Masked Bagger #1: No, you’re not. I am. Don’t fall for this trickster’s tricks.

Professor Tincher: I can’t believe this is actually happening. I have to decide which one of you is the real Masked Bagger.

Masked Bagger #1: That would be me.

Masked Bagger #2: Nice try, Moldy, but *I’m* the real Masked Bagger!

Professor Tincher: I have some terrible news. Katie went into labor and died during childbirth.

Masked Bagger #1: No! It can’t be!

Masked Bagger #2: Which one is Katie again?

Professor Tincher instantly shoots Masked Bagger #2, knowing that the real hero would never ask such a stupid question. Tincher turns to our hero.

Professor Tincher: Don’t worry. I lied. Katie’s fine. She didn’t go into labor. I just knew I’d be able to figure out which was which by judging both of your reactions to that news.

Masked Bagger: Why didn’t you just have me say the code word “Tubal Cain” to figure out I’m the real Masked Bagger?

Professor Tincher: (pauses) Damn! A situation like this is the exact reason I made up a code word, too! Do over?

CUT TO: Katie, wearing a dress, walks over to the bottom of the steps to the break room. Masked Bagger is already there, waiting for her.

Masked Bagger: Nice dress. I’ve never seen you wear one before.

Katie Collins: I rarely do. But since I got pregnant, I just find it easier to wear them instead of pants.

Masked Bagger: Nice. Now, please allow me to escort you to the break room.

Katie Collins: Are you gonna carry me up the stairs?

Masked Bagger: No need. Bernie has installed an elevator to the break room. So get in and I’ll push the button.

Katie Collins: Cool.

They both get in the elevator. The doors close and Masked Bagger pushes the UP button. Suddenly, it stalls. They’re trapped.

Katie Collins: What’s happening?

Masked Bagger: I don’t know. The elevator seems to be stuck. You know, if this were a sitcom, you’d start going into labor right now, ha-ha.

He looks down and sees some liquid on the floor by Katie.

Katie Collins: My water broke.

Masked Bagger: (in denial) Do you need like a band-aid?

Katie Collins: No, I need to lay down and give birth to my child.

Masked Bagger: I always hated on sitcoms when babies were delivered in elevators!

CUT TO: Bernie, Chapman, Ben, Hailie, Marlene and Tincher are all upstairs waiting for Katie to join her own baby shower.

Hailie Morgan: Where she be?

Ben Davis: We’ve been waiting about ten minutes. I know she’s in the building. I saw her come in.

Professor Tincher: The Masked Bagger was downstairs waiting for her. I’m sure they’ll both be up here any minute now.

Marlene Ward: Yes, Stan’s right.

She kisses him on the cheek.

Bernie Boswell: You know, I’m the boss. Not Tincher. Don’t *I* get a kiss on the cheek?

Gabe Chapman kisses Bernie on the cheek.

Marlene Ward: Apparently you do.

They all laugh, except for Bernie and Chapman. Masked Bagger begins speaking through Tincher’s walkie-talkie.

Masked Bagger: (voice only) Professor, I need your help.

Professor Tincher: What is it, Bagger?

Masked Bagger: (voice only) Katie and I are trapped in Bernie’s elevator and Katie is going into labor.

Professor Tincher: Is this a sitcom episode?

Masked Bagger: That’s what *I’m* saying!

CUT TO: Back in the elevator, Masked Bagger decides to take charge of the situation.

Masked Bagger: Okay, we’re gonna do this. Spread your legs.

Katie Collins: I’m not spreading my legs for no one but Austin!

Masked Bagger: Are you going to keep your legs together and let the baby crawl up and out of your mouth? I feel like that’s a worse option.

Katie Collins: You’re not looking at my girly center.

Masked Bagger: I kinda have to in order to deliver this baby.

Katie Collins: Close your eyes.

Masked Bagger: Be serious.

Katie Collins: Close your eyes!!!

The 717 Guardian does as he’s told.

Masked Bagger: Push! Push! Push!

Katie Collins: Don’t open your eyes!

Masked Bagger: I’m not.

After a couple minutes of pushing…

Masked Bagger: Is it coming?

Katie Collins: Yes!

The Masked Bagger, with his eyes closed, takes out a plastic Kroger bag and places it by Katie. A few moments later, he hears the bag rustling around. He looks down and sees a baby girl in the bag. Our hero takes her out, turns her upside down and spanks her butt, which he knows to be the protocol for doctors. The baby starts to cry as he hands her to Katie.

Masked Bagger: Here’s your beautiful daughter.

Katie Collins: It’s a girl? Just what I wanted. She’s amazing.

Masked Bagger: Yes, she is.

Adam is having all sorts of wonderful emotions going on until Katie asks…

Katie Collins: What about the umbilical cord?

Masked Bagger: What about it?

Katie Collins: I want it cut.

Masked Bagger: I watched a video on that, but I didn’t bring any scissors to cut it with.

Katie Collins: Imma need you to cut the umbilical cord!

CUT TO: A few minutes later, the elevator doors open. Professor Tincher, Marlene Ward, Hailie Morgan, Ben Davis, Bernie Boswell and Gabe Chapman are all standing by.

Hailie Morgan: A baby!

Bernie Boswell: This is a magic elevator I’ve had installed. Two people go in, but three people come out.

Ben Davis: Don’t try to put a positive spin on your elevator.

Bernie Boswell: (shrugs) Okay.

Ben Davis: (to the baby) Happy birthday, kid.

Professor Tincher: What is it?

Hailie Morgan: I already said… it be a baby!

Professor Tincher: No, I mean boy or girl?

Katie Collins: It’s a girl. A beautiful girl.

Marlene Ward: Do you have a name picked out?

Katie Collins: I didn’t, but after the help the 717 Guardian gave me, I feel the need to name her after him.

Masked Bagger: That’s so sweet. So, Masked Bagger Collins?

Katie Collins: Imma need you to get real. Her name is Maitland Beth Collins. That way her first and middle names have the initials M.B. - just like Masked Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Thank you. I’m touched. And I’m going to retire this box cutter that I used to cut the umbilical cord with.

Hailie Morgan: You did what!?!

Ben Davis: No offense, Guardian, but that’s messed up.

Professor Tincher: Yeah. What’s wrong with you?

They all walk away except for Masked Bagger and Katie (and of course, Maitland).

Katie Collins: I wonder what’s in Maitland’s future.

Masked Bagger: I’m sure she’s destined for great things.

CUT TO: The year 2036. Maitland is 21-years-old. She’s on another planet - Scrom - where the Scrominians come from. She’s in the middle of a fight against three guys. Meanwhile, a laser beam gun with enough force to blow up planet Earth is propped up and set to blast in twenty seconds, so she has a limited time to save her home planet. She punches one thug in the face, knocking him out. She does a tornado kick on the other thug, putting him out of commission. Maitland looks at the third guy, and smiles.

Maitland Collins: Looks like you’re next. If you give up right now, it’ll spare you some indescribable pain. Then again, maybe you’re the kind of guy who likes pain when it comes from a woman.

Scrominian Thug #3: No way, girly. We saved the best for last… me. Try taking down a *real* man!

Maitland Collins: You got it.

She kicks him in his manhood. He drops to his knees and begins to cry.

Maitland Collins: You’re right. That one *was* the best!

Collins laughs for a moment and then races over to the computer-activated laser gun. She quickly types “ABORT MISSION” mere seconds before the laser was about to destroy the Earth. She sighs a sigh of relief.

Maitland Collins: And I just saved the Earth… again.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #23. Super Magee Bros.

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Stan Tincher
Hailie Morgan
Ben Davis
Bernie Boswell
Gabe Chapman

Guest Starring:
Scraper Magee [pictured below]
Cutter Magee [pictured below]
Chris Ward [pictured below]

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #23. Super Magee Bros.

Originally released on July 29th, 2015

And Now This Month’s Story…

Jeff Magee walks to the photo lab to greet Professor Tincher.

Jeff Magee: Mister Tincher, how are you doing today?

Professor Tincher: I’m good. You here to see your brother?

Jeff Magee: Yep. Good ol’ Johnny Magee, alias Cutter Magee.

Professor Tincher: I’ll take you down to see him right now.

Jeff Magee: Great.

Both men go through the secret entrance in the photo lab and end up in the basement prison hallway. They arrive at Cutter’s cell.

Professor Tincher: I’ll leave you two alone. I’ll be in the other room. Come and get me when you’re done.

Jeff Magee: Will do, sir.

Tincher exits the hallway. Jeff takes out a key and unlocks Cutter’s cell.

Cutter Magee: I knew you’d make a key!

Jeff Magee: You and I shall reign supreme in Boswell’s 717!

Cutter Magee: Where?

Jeff Magee: Since you’ve been locked up, the store has changed names from Kroger to Boswell’s.

Cutter Magee: I don’t like it.

Jeff Magee: No one does. It’s probably only temporary.

Cutter Magee: Let’s go, Jeff.

Jeff Magee: Jeff?

He removes his brown wig to reveal his silver hair.

Scraper Magee: Call me Scraper Magee.

Cutter Magee: Cutter and Scraper… The Super Magee Bros.

Scraper Magee: Let’s go.

Cutter Magee: Aren’t you going to tell Tincher you’re done here?

Scraper Magee: I see I’m the brains of the duo.

They both leave the same way Scraper and Tincher came in.

CUT TO: Chris Ward, Marlene’s 16-year-old son, enters Bernie’s office. Chapman is standing by his boss.

Chris Ward: You wanted to see me, Mr. Boswell?

Gabe Chapman: Hold it, Ward. You don’t talk directly to the Almighty One. You talk to me, I talk to him, he talks to me, I talk to you.

Chris Ward: Why?

Gabe Chapman: You’re not special enough to talk to Mr. Boswell. At least not yet.

Bernie Boswell: Thank you, Chappy.

Gabe Chapman: Never thank me, sir. I am not worthy of your thanks. I thank *you* because you are the Almighty One. So once more, thank you.

Bernie Boswell: (to Chappy) You’re welcome. (to Chris) How are you enjoying your position as bagger so far?

Chris Ward: (to Chappy) I like it fine.

Gabe Chapman: (to Bernie) He likes it fine.

Bernie Boswell: (to Chappy) That’s great. We’re happy to have him on board.

Gabe Chapman: (to Chris) That’s great. We’re happy to have you on board, so says the master of everything good.

Chris Ward: (to Chappy) I do have a question, though.

Gabe Chapman: (to Bernie) The little punk’s got a question.

Bernie Boswell: (to Chappy) What is it?

Gabe Chapman: (to Chris) What is it?

Chris Ward: What’s the deal with having a store superhero?

Gabe Chapman: (to Bernie) Kid wants to know why we have Masked Bagger, who is in no way superior to you, Almighty.

Bernie Boswell: (to Chappy) This store has super villains that can only be defeated by a superhero.

Gabe Chapman: (to Chris) Boswell’s has some super villains who can only be defeated by Masked Bagger and Mr. Bernie Boswell himself, if only he wasn’t so busy keeping everything together in all other areas of this business.

Chris Ward: (to Chappy) If Masked Bagger ever needs any help, let him know I’m willing. I have some pretty awesome moves.

Gabe Chapman: (to Bernie) This is laughable. The kid thinks he can be the Bagger’s sidekick due to his quote unquote awesome moves.

Bernie Boswell: (to Chappy) No one knows this but I once was Bagger’s sidekick. It’s a lot harder than it seems. I failed.

Gabe Chapman: (to Bernie) I will not repeat that for it is not believable, sir.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher goes up to the front end where Adam is bagging.

Professor Tincher: Adam, there’s an emergency situation.

Adam Hauck: What is it, Professor?

Professor Tincher: Cutter Magee has escaped our prison with the help of his brother.

Adam Hauck: Masked Bagger time?

Professor Tincher: Yes, indeed.

Adam Hauck: Cool. Can you finish bagging this order for me?

Professor Tincher: Sure.

Adam walks away. Tincher turns to Ben, who has just finished bagging another order.

Professor Tincher: Ben, could you bag here? I have photo lab duties to attend to.

Ben Davis: Sure thing, Stan.

Professor Tincher: Don’t you mean “Mister Tincher”?

Ben Davis: You know I like you, but you’re not the boss anymore, and it would just seem weird calling you “Mister.”

Professor Tincher: (sighs) I understand.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger searches for the Magee brothers in the back hallway.

Masked Bagger: Cutter… come out, come out wherever you are!

Suddenly, riding his hand-jack, Cutter Magee arrives on the scene and rams into our precious hero, knocking him to the floor. Laying on his back, Masked Bagger finds a scraper - at the end of a pole - touching his throat. Scraper Magee is standing over the 717 Guardian holding his weapon.

Masked Bagger: Cutter’s brother, I take it?

Scraper Magee: Yes. I’m Scraper Magee. You may as well call me the Grim Reaper though, because I’m appearing in front of you before you die.

Masked Bagger reaches for his bag-gun but Scraper swipes his wrist, slicing it. OUCH!

Masked Bagger: Hey, that hurts!

Scraper Magee: Good. It was supposed to hurt.

Masked Bagger: What did I ever do to you?

Scraper Magee: Nothing personally besides capturing and imprisoning my brother. But I’m a super villain and you are a superhero, thus, we fight each other. I didn’t create the set up. I just live by it.

Masked Bagger: Well if you’re so familiar with the set up, then you also know I’m going to win because I’m the good guy.

Scraper Magee: That’s where I diverge from the set up and create my own, in which you die and I stand over your corpse, dancing and laughing.

Cutter Magee: And also high-fiving your brother.

Scraper Magee: Of course, Cutter.

Masked Bagger: No offense, but that sounds stupid.

Scraper Magee: (angered) Stupid? You son of a…

Masked Bagger: (interrupts) I said “no offense.”

Scraper Magee: You can say whatever you want… to your maker!

Scraper is just about to slice Bagger’s throat when our precious hero kicks the villain in his manhood. This allows the masked marvel to get up off the floor and stand in front of Scraper. As he’s about to punch the baddie, Cutter rides the hand-jack and again rams into Masked Bagger. He then grabs his brother, who steps onto the jack, holding Cutter by the waist as they ride off together.

Masked Bagger: Now *there’s* a sight.

CUT TO: Shortly after the battle, Bagger changes back into Adam and enters the basement lab.

Professor Tincher: It’s Facebook official. Marlene and I are in a relationship. I’m so happy, Adam.

Adam Hauck: That’s great news.

Professor Tincher: By the way, what does it mean when someone “pokes” you on there?

Adam Hauck: I don’t know. But people do that to me all the time.

Professor Tincher: Yeah, you poked me on there. That’s why I thought you’d know. At first I thought you were hitting on me and I was confused. So you really don’t know what it means then, huh?

Adam Hauck: No.

Professor Tincher: Well is it really wise to go around poking people when you don’t even know what it means?

Adam Hauck: Probably not, but how often do I ever do what’s wise?

Professor Tincher: Good point.

Adam Hauck: Look, I came here to tell you that I battled the Magee brothers but they got away.

Professor Tincher: Of course they did. It’s much too early for you to actually capture them. I respect your attempt though.

CUT TO: The Brothers Magee are in their hideout.

Cutter Magee: So what exactly is our plan, brother?

Scraper Magee: We finished the plan. I set out to break you out of jail and I did that. From here on out, we’re just winging it.

Cutter Magee: Shouldn’t we do something? We’re super villains. We need to kick it up a notch.

Scraper Magee: You’re absolutely right! Let’s kill Masked Bagger!

Cutter Magee: I like how you think. But even though we got away from him before, I wouldn’t really call that a victory. We need an airtight plan for this to work.

Scraper Magee: I agree, and we’ll have an airtight plan. First we need to make one up though.

Cutter Magee: How do we get to him?

Scraper Magee: We get him to come to us.

Cutter Magee: How?

Scraper Magee: We take a hostage. When the good hero of the store tracks us down, we lock him into the Cutter/Scraper Machine. It slices him to bits, using a thousand cutters and scrapers. I’ve been working on this device since I heard you were locked up.

Cutter Magee: Where is it?

Scraper Magee: It’s at home. I’ll go get it. Meanwhile, you figure out who we should kidnap.

Cutter Magee: On it, brother.

CUT TO: Ben sees Hailie standing by herself in a non-foods aisle. He walks over to her.

Ben Davis: What’s up, Hailie?

Hailie Morgan: Nuttin’. What be up wit’ you?

Ben Davis: Just here at work again. Outside of work though, I’m working on a screenplay.

Hailie Morgan: Screenplay? That be like a movie script?

Ben Davis: Yeah.

Hailie Morgan: What it be about?

Ben Davis: A Cute girl who says “be” in every sentence no matter how silly it makes her sound.

He smiles.

Hailie Morgan: You be making fun of me?

Ben Davis: No. I’m just teasing. It’s all in fun.

Hailie Morgan: As in making fun of me?

Ben Davis: I guess, but I’m not trying to insult you or anything. Truth is, I kinda like you.

Hailie Morgan: You do?

Ben Davis: Yeah. You and Adam were just married for his green card, right? There was no love in that marriage, was there?

Hailie Morgan: Just a green card.

Ben Davis: Would you ever… consider going out with me?

Hailie Morgan: Well you *are* the right color. Gimme some time to think about it.

Ben Davis: Okay, and if you say yes, I’ll start working on a new screenplay. A movie for Disney/Pixar called “The Ghetto Girl and the Grasshopper.” I don’t have the plot worked out yet, but I like the title.

CUT TO: Adam walks into the basement lab. The good professor is texting on his phone.

Adam Hauck: What are you doing, Professor?

Professor Tincher: What does it look like? I’m texting.

Adam Hauck: You know about texting?

Professor Tincher: How out of it do you think I am? I invented texting, but I never had any friends to text before.

Adam Hauck: Really, you invented it?

Professor Tincher: Well no, but I had the idea for it before it became a real thing.

Adam Hauck: So who are you texting?

Professor Tincher: Marlene. I’m thinking about asking her to marry me.

Adam Hauck: Wait, why?

Professor Tincher: Because we love each other.

Adam Hauck: But you just became a couple today. Isn’t it fast?

Professor Tincher: Adam, in my line of work, anything could happen at any moment.

Adam Hauck: Your line of work? You mean assisting a superhero?

Professor Tincher: No, retail. Retail is scary. And also life is short, so I don’t believe in prolonging things. If she feels it’s too fast, she’ll tell me and we’ll take it slower. But I have to ask her.

Adam Hauck: Well good luck. Hey wait - you’re not proposing marriage in a text, are you?

Professor Tincher: I’m about to. Why? Is that a bad idea?

Adam Hauck: I’m no relationship expert, obviously, but I’d say it is.

Professor Tincher: Fine. I’ll go to her house and propose in person. Can you hold down the fort while I’m away?

Adam Hauck: Do you even need to ask?

Professor Tincher: Yes.

Adam Hauck: Then yes.

CUT TO: Bernie and Chappy in the office.

Bernie Boswell: Chappy, I’m going insane.

Gabe Chapman: Not the Almighty.

Bernie Boswell: This is a tough spot I find myself in.

Gabe Chapman: What’s going on, Oh Great One?

Bernie Boswell: I’ve gotten a few phone calls this past week and a little bit ago, I actually got a visit from them.

Gabe Chapman: From who?

Bernie Boswell: My adult stepchildren want the millions I’ve inherited. They feel that *they* deserve the money.

Gabe Chapman: But it’s yours. Jean left it to you.

Bernie Boswell: She did. It’s legally mine. So I offered the both of them jobs here. They rejected them.

Gabe Chapman: They rejected the Almighty’s job offers? Where do they live? I’m gonna kill them!

Bernie Boswell: Calm down, Chappy. Nobody’s killing anybody.

Gabe Chapman: It’s a big world. I’m sure somebody is killing somebody right now, somewhere.

Bernie Boswell: Well you’re not killing my stepchildren! I just need to think about things. That’s all.

Gabe Chapman: You’re not about to give them the money?

Bernie Boswell: I don’t know. I’ve grown accustomed to the rich lifestyle. I finally moved out of my parent’s house. I own and work at my own grocery store. I wipe my butt with one dollar bills. I can’t picture giving all that up.

CUT TO: The back hallway. Hailie is back there unloading her non-foods skid onto wheelers. Cutter Magee races by on his hand-jack and snatches her.

CUT TO: The roof of Boswell’s. Hailie is dangling over the store in a cage attached to the bird’s nest, which sits on a giant pole. The brothers Magee have their murdering device set up for when the hero arrives.

Scraper Magee: Hang tight ghetto girl. You’re serving as the bait to lure in Masked Bagger.

Hailie Morgan: Be it really that hard to get him? You gotta go through the trouble of taking a hostage?

Cutter Magee: Oh it was no trouble. But thanks for the concern.

Scraper Magee: Just think, you’ll get to see the death of your precious store hero from that very cage without a thing you can do about it.

CUT TO: It’s hours later. Now nighttime. Adam had taken a nap in the basement lab, and so was unaware of Hailie’s kidnapping. Ben had left for the day but came back to do some quick shopping. As he heads for the building, he looks up and sees what he believes to be Hailie in a giant cage. He runs inside the store, looking for Masked Bagger. He notices Chris Ward is still working.

Ben Davis: Chris, have you seen Masked Bagger lately?

Chris Ward: No. Why?

Ben Davis: I think there’s trouble on the roof. What about Tincher?

Chris Ward: No. He left a few hours ago and never came back.

Ben Davis: I guess I have to do this on my own.

Chris Ward: You need some help?

Ben Davis: No. I got this.

CUT TO: Ben enters the roof, sees Hailie and the Magee brothers, and shouts…

Ben Davis: Let her go, now!

Scraper Magee: I know it’s dark outside, but I don’t think you’re The Masked Bagger.

Ben Davis: Very perceptive.

Cutter Magee: This is a trap to capture that out-of-shape hero of the store. Don’t worry. Nothing bad will happen to the girl.

Scraper Magee: What are you talking about, Cutter? Of course something bad will happen to her. She’s gonna die. It’s just that Masked Bagger is gonna die, too.

Cutter Magee: My bad.

Hailie Morgan: Ben, help me!

Ben Davis: I’m coming, Hailie!

Ben runs over to her and jumps on the pole. He does his best to climb up to her. Scraper gets into his handmade scraping vehicle. It’s a motorized cart decked out with a bunch of scrapers. He aims it at Ben, presses a button and a scraper is ejected and hurled at the store cleaner. He sees it coming and flinches, causing him to fall off the pole and land back onto the roof.

Ben Davis: You don’t want to mess with me. I grew up watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and every Bruce Lee movie ever made, and saying that out loud, I realize how stupid I sound. But I’m still up for a fight.

Scraper Magee: You’re not worth our time and energy.

CUT TO: The basement lab. Adam finally wakes up and realizes what time it is. Professor Tincher returns.

Professor Tincher: Adam, were you asleep?

Adam Hauck: No.

Professor Tincher: Okay, liar. I have some good news.

Adam Hauck: What? Oh wait. You asked Marlene to marry you!

Professor Tincher: She said yes! So in the same day I changed my Facebook status to “In a Relationship,” I also changed it to “Is Engaged.” It’s been a whirlwind of emotions.

Adam Hauck: That’s incredible. Congratulations. When’s the big day?

Professor Tincher: Earlier today. That reminds me, I need to change my status again to “Is Married.” It’s a chore constantly having to update Facebook.

Adam Hauck: Wait, what?

Professor Tincher: I proposed, we ran out and got the marriage license and then went to the courthouse for a quickie ceremony. We decided against a big wedding, and - like love struck teenagers - eloped.

CUT TO: Adam has changed into his street clothes so the employees think he’s just back in the store shopping instead of knowing the truth that he was asleep all that time. He walks past Chris.

Chris Ward: Hey Adam. You and Mister Tincher have a good relationship, right?

Adam Hauck: Yeah, but I think you’re about to have a better relationship with him.

Chris Ward: What does that mean?

Adam Hauck: He has something to tell you. It’s pretty exciting, too. Why do you want to know about him though?

Chris Ward: Ben was here earlier looking for Masked Bagger. I know Tincher is the Bagger’s mentor, and so maybe you also know how to reach him.

Adam Hauck: Where is Ben now?

Chris Ward: I think he said up on the roof.

Adam Hauck: I gotta go.

Adam runs off, quickly changes into the disguise of his alter-ego, Masked Bagger, and heads for the roof.

CUT TO: The roof. Cutter is standing next to Ben, holding his box cutter to the cleaner’s throat. The two villains are impatient. They want the Masked Bagger to arrive NOW! Suddenly, the Masked Bagger arrives.

Masked Bagger: What’s going on up here?

Cutter Magee: Two guys, ready to kill, waiting hours for the hero to arrive. What took you so long?

Masked Bagger: Hey, I have a personal life.

Bagger is referring to the dream he had while taking a nap about getting personal with an attractive female customer. But the people on the roof don’t need to know that. Scraper Magee runs over to him with a scraper attached to the end of a broomstick. He’s swinging it around as if he, too, had grown up watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and had a few moves down. Masked Bagger steps back, not wanting to get sliced. He steps back again and again. The last step got him to the point where Cutter grabbed him and threw him into the Cutter/Scraper Machine. It’s big enough to hold a human being but not big enough to have much space to move around in.

Masked Bagger: Maybe I’ll wake up to discover this was all a dream. I’m still asleep in the basement. Yep, that would explain the craziness of Tincher being married. It’s all a dream.

It’s no dream. As Bagger looks at all the cutters and scrapers, he’s reminded of the Suicide Booth from the cartoon “Futurama.” He thinks to himself, how did Fry get out of that situation? Suddenly he gets an idea. He takes out his bag-gun and shoots himself. Inside, he gets out his walkie-talkie and calls for Tincher to transport him back to the basement lab.

Back outside…

Scraper Magee: It’s working! It’s working! The machine is turned on and look at it. It’s rocking back and forth. I can only imagine what’s going on in there.

Ben and Hailie watch on horrified, thinking Masked Bagger is being killed.

Ben Davis: Screw you, Scraper!

Suddenly, the Masked Bagger returns to everyone’s surprise, and stands on the edge of the roof. Outraged that he’s still alive, Scraper gets in his motorized cart and at a fast speed (a much faster speed than a motorized cart normally goes), Scraper heads towards our handsome hunk of a hero. I’m not biased when telling this story, of course. Anyways, out of instinct, the Bagger jumps out of the way. This causes Scraper Magee to go off the roof, heading for the pavement behind the store. Masked Bagger quickly ejects a cart strap from his arm. It attaches itself to the cart, but being too heavy, is jerked out of the Bagger’s hand.

Masked Bagger: Yeah, I don’t know why I thought I could do that.

Ben Davis: And THAT is why you don’t drive a motorized cart on the roof.

Cutter Magee: Scraper!!! No!!!!

He looks off the roof onto the ground and sees his brother laying on the concrete, dead. He turns back to Bagger.

Cutter Magee: You killed him! You killed my brother!

Masked Bagger: He killed himself. I tried to save him. You saw me try to save him.

Cutter Magee: What I saw was you jumping out of the way so Scraper would fall off the roof. You son of a…

Our hero quickly takes out his bag-gun and shoots Cutter, bagging him.

Masked Bagger: We don’t use foul language here.

Masked Bagger looks down and sees the dead body of Scraper Magee. An overwhelming feeling of grief comes over him.

Masked Bagger: I’m sorry, Scraper. I failed you. You weren’t supposed to die.

Ben walks over to our hero.

Ben Davis: Hey, do you wanna get Hailie down now?

Masked Bagger: Oh yeah, of course. And I don’t know how to say this Ben, but since you *are* the store cleaner. We, uh, have a clean-up out back.

Ben Davis: I’m off the clock.

CUT TO: A half-hour later. Ben and Hailie are leaving the store for the night. They’re out by his car.

Ben Davis: I’m glad you’re okay, Hailie. Sorry I couldn’t do more to save you. I’m just glad Masked Bagger was there.

Hailie Morgan: My answer be yes. I’d love to go on a date with you.

Ben Davis: Really? That’s great.

Hailie Morgan: You in for a real treat. I’m a total catch.

She turns around, smacks her butt and winks at him. Ben gets a confused look on his face.

Hailie Morgan: That’s supposed to be sexy.

Ben Davis: I know. I just didn’t know how to react to it. I can’t wait for our date. I’ll see you tomorrow at… well here.

Hailie Morgan: Good night.

Ben Davis: Night.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher and Masked Bagger are in the basement lab.

Professor Tincher: Well Cutter is incarcerated. Shame about Scraper, though. I still hope to reform all the criminals one day.

Masked Bagger: At the time, it happened so fast. But now that I think back… I *should* have done something, Professor. I shouldn’t have just jumped out of the way. I’m so sorry.

Professor Tincher: Don’t be sorry. You acted in the moment. You were still able to save Hailie and capture Cutter. I still consider this to be a victory.

Masked Bagger: I’ve never killed before. I don’t think I can shake this.

Professor Tincher: You still haven’t killed. You simply moved out of the way in self defense. What did Scraper think was going to happen anyway?

Masked Bagger: I don’t know, but I can’t do this anymore.

Professor Tincher: What?

Bagger removes his mask.

Adam Hauck: I need a break. Find somebody else to be the store superhero. Someone who can actually do a competent job. I’m done screwing up.

Adam walks out of the basement as Tincher looks on, speechless.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #24. A Grillin' Villain

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Stan Tincher
Hailie Morgan
Ben Davis
Bernie Boswell
Gabe Chapman

Guest Starring:
Meat-Man [pictured below]
Chris Ward alias Cart-Boy [pictured below]
Katie Collins
Austin Slaughter [pictured below]

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #24. A Grillin’ Villain

Originally released on August 25th, 2015

And Now The Story…

Bernie and Chapman are standing outside. They are watching as a crew is taking down the Boswell’s sign - one letter at a time - and will soon be replacing it with a Kroger sign.

Bernie Boswell: I hope I did the right thing. This is horrible to watch.

Gabe Chapman: Then why are we watching it?

Bernie Boswell: We have to. This is history in the making. The end of Boswell’s. I never thought this day would come, but family has to come first, and my adult stepchildren deserve the millions I inherited.

Gabe Chapman: At least they bought you a house.

Bernie Boswell: True, and it’s a nice one, too.

Gabe Chapman: So what now?

Bernie Boswell: We go back to being Kroger employees. I’ll have to be a bagger because my D.J. position is already taken, and I can’t go back to produce.

Gabe Chapman: Mister Tincher offered me a job in frozen and I took it. Is Tincher a good boss?

Bernie Boswell: Oh, he’s the best.

Gabe Chapman: Correction… the second best.

Chappy extends his hand to his former boss. They shake hands. Katie Collins walks up to them with her boyfriend, Austin Slaughter, who’s pushing the baby stroller with little Maitland.

Katie Collins: What’s up, Bernie?

Bernie Boswell: My professional career has come to an end. What’s up with you?

Katie Collins: I come back from maternity leave tomorrow. Looks like I’ll be coming back to Kroger and not Boswell’s.

Gabe Chapman: (angry) Please don’t twist the knife in the Almighty’s heart.

Austin Slaughter: Hey, don’t talk to my woman that way.

Gabe Chapman: “Your woman”? So she’s your property? What is this, the 1950’s, bro?

Austin Slaughter: This is 2015 and if you keep it up, I’ll kick your ass all up and down this parking lot.

Bernie Boswell: (to Chappy) Is this guy bothering you? Because if he is, I will clean his clock!

Gabe Chapman: Yep. He certainly is.

Austin Slaughter: Come on, fatty.

Bernie Boswell: (with his bluff called…) Well, uh, bring your clock in tomorrow or whenever you can and I’ll just spray it with some Windex or something, and clean it right up for you.

Austin Slaughter: That’s what I thought.

Katie, Austin and Maitland go inside the store. Bernie turns to Chapman.

Bernie Boswell: You were supposed to say he’s not bothering you or you could handle it, something to where I didn’t have to actually come off as intimidating.

Gabe Chapman: Trust me, you didn’t come off as intimidating. You’re still the Almighty, but that was not your finest moment.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher and his new stepson, Chris Ward are in the basement lab.

Professor Tincher: When you first told me you wanted to help out Masked Bagger, I was skeptical. But after the way you handled yourself last night when you thought there was a burglar in the house, I’m convinced you can do the job.

Chris Ward: Thanks, Stan. I’m just sorry it was Grandpa Tincher. He’s going to be okay, right?

Professor Tincher: Yeah, he’ll be fine. I doubt he’ll ever use his spare key that late at night again, but he’ll recover.

Chris Ward: Good.

Professor Tincher: Those were some killer moves you used on a 68-year-old man. Where did you learn to fight like that?

Chris Ward: I’ve always been the shortest kid in my class and as a result, I’d get picked on by bullies. So I became interested in fighting, but not sloppily. I wanted to know what I was doing. My parents okayed it, and I took lessons, plus I made some stuff up along the way.

Professor Tincher: Well I’m impressed. I’m working on an outfit for you and pretty soon a new Kroger superhero will make his debut.

Chris Ward: Awesome.

CUT TO: The Meat-Man has just escaped the prison and walks down the hall, and through a secret entrance to his former hideout. It’s dusty and dirty since it’s been over two years since anybody’s been in there.

Meat-Man: I’m free and have only one question… who should I kill? There are so many great candidates.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher is standing in the basement lab. Chris Ward walks into the room with his Cart-Boy outfit on. He does not look happy.

Professor Tincher: Wonderful! What do you think?

Cart-Boy: I think I regret telling you I wanted to be a superhero.

Professor Tincher: What do you mean? You don’t like the costume?

Cart-Boy: No, I don’t. You can barely see my face. How’s anyone gonna know it’s me?

Professor Tincher: Funny, Masked Bagger had the exact opposite complaint when he first put on his mask.

Cart-Boy: So what’s your response?

Professor Tincher: No one’s supposed to see your face. They’d know it’s you. They’re not supposed to know it’s you.

Cart-Boy: Why? Why do I have to have a secret identity?

Professor Tincher: (excited) Ooh, I get to tell the story again. Back in 1994, I was The Masked Bagger at another Kroger. Once my identity was found out by some crooks, they killed my girlfriend, Brooke.

Cart-Boy: Brooke? I thought you said she died of a broken heart when Bailey went missing.

Professor Tincher: Yeah, she did. This was an alternate version of her from another earth level.

Cart-Boy: I sure have learned a lot about things I thought were just fantasies since meeting you. Not all of it makes sense. In fact, none of it really does.

Professor Tincher: Hey, I’m not making this stuff up. There would be zero point in me making this up.

Cart-Boy: Maybe you’re brainwashed or something because these tales you tell are crazy!

Professor Tincher: What, do you think someone is sitting at home on his computer, typing up dialogue for me to speak? That’s nonsense.

Cart-Boy: Look, I don’t want to do this if no one’s gonna know it’s me. I want to impress the ladies. I can’t do that with a stupid costume on.

Professor Tincher: Stupid costume? You’ve got a cool skateboard and a bar, which came from an actual cart, to beat bad guys with.

Cart-Boy: I admit, I like those things, but the rest of the getup I just don’t want.

Professor Tincher: Well I’m sorry but it’s this costume or you don’t get to fight crime. Which is it?

Cart-Boy: (sighs) This costume, I guess.

Professor Tincher: Great, but you need practice.

CUT TO: Outside behind Kroger. The evil bird-men are flying around. Cart-Boy is ready to get in some practice as Tincher watches on. A bird swoops down. The cartascious (yes, I made that word up) young hero grabs the bar from his holster and swings it like a baseball bat. It rams into the evil bird’s head, killing it. He hops on his skateboard and rides over to another bird. He jumps off and lands on the evil creature, knocking it to the ground. It perishes on impact. The hero then does a few cartwheels (he figures it fits in with the whole “cart” theme) and lands in front of another bird. He punches it square in the face, killing it. The other birds fly away.

Professor Tincher: Good. You’re gonna be good.

Cart-Boy: Okay, I’m gonna practice some of my skateboard skills.

Professor Tincher: Okay.

Professor Tincher goes back inside the store. Ben is back there taking something to damaged.

Ben Davis: Oh, hey, Mr. Tincher, did you know that Masked Bagger is a singing thug now?

Professor Tincher: What are you talking about?

Ben Davis: He performs at the Shockey night club.

CUT TO: Inside Shockey Nightclub. The lights are low. Suddenly there’s a spotlight on the stage. Masked Bagger appears. He’s wearing a bandana on his head. The song Gangsta’s Paradise begins to play.

Masked Bagger: ♪ As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I take a look at my life and realize there’s nothing left…. ♪

(Coolio's version of "Gangsta's Paradise") https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QT9mQM4ZglQ

Our street-wise hero finishes the song to a standing ovation. Later, backstage, Professor Tincher finds the Bagger.

Professor Tincher: Masked Bagger!

Masked Bagger: Professor, is that you?

Professor Tincher: It’s good to see you again. How come you’re not back home?

Masked Bagger: I was about to go back to my home earth when someone offered me this gig. He said I could make lots of money. I figured I’d go back home a millionaire.

Professor Tincher: So you get on stage and sing Coolio songs?

Masked Bagger: Just that one song, plus a couple from other performers, including M.C. Hammer’s “Too Legit to Quit.” Speaking of “quit”, how’s the store?

Professor Tincher: A little weird right now. Bernie sold the place back to corporate, so it’s Kroger, not Boswell’s. Which means I’ve taken up the mantle of manager once again. I’ve convinced my stepson, Chris, to be the new superhero of the store… Cart-Boy.

Masked Bagger: Wow.

Professor Tincher: Yeah. Come back. We all want you back. Chris is doing a good job, but he’s more a sidekick than a main hero.

Masked Bagger: I can’t. You need a good man to be the hero of the store. I am not a good man. I’m a killer, Professor. I killed somebody.

Professor Tincher: It was all an accident. It’s not who you are.

Masked Bagger: I’m a tough M.F-er, and quite frankly, you’re cramping my style, Professor. I’m a killer, T-Dawg, a killer!

Professor Tincher: Oh, for corn’s sake, you didn’t kill anybody and the name is Tincher, not “T-Dawg.”

Masked Bagger: Sorry, I was just testing that name out… but I *am* responsible for the death of Scraper Magee.

Professor Tincher: No, you’re not. He was charging at you. You ducked out of the way. What happened next is not your fault.

Masked Bagger: Look, you may be speaking the truth, but ever since I started this “Masked Bagger: Livin’ a Thug’s Life” tour, I have made a nice amount of money.

Professor Tincher: I hate to tell you this, but I own the copyright to “Masked Bagger,” and I’m not afraid to sue you if you don’t come back.

Masked Bagger: (pauses) Then come back I shall.

Professor Tincher: Really?

Masked Bagger: Of course! I hated the tour and many times I accidentally said “Amish” instead of “Gangsta’s” for this song. Plus, I miss fighting crime. And to be honest, most people seem to think this is a comedy show and not edgy and dark like I was going for.

Professor Tincher: You’re just too good to be dark and edgy. You’re Masked Bagger - the guardian of 717.

Masked Bagger: Yeah, that’s right. Let’s get back to the store. But first I need to take this earring out.

Professor Tincher: You really pierced your ears?

Masked Bagger: Just one, but I’m so paranoid it was the gay ear.

Professor Tincher: You have a “gay ear”?

Masked Bagger: When a man gets his ear pierced, one of them indicates that the man is gay. I just can’t remember which ear that is.

Professor Tincher: I think now’s a good a time as any to say “Cut to…”

CUT TO: The next day - outside Kroger - many staffers are gathered around the grill and picnic table by the fuel center. A celebration for things going back to normal is about to take place.

Ben Davis: Hailie, there you are.

Hailie Morgan: Hi, Benny.

Ben Davis: It’s actually just Ben.

Hailie Morgan: Not the way *I* say it.

Ben Davis: Fine. So how’s your day going so far?

Hailie Morgan: Good. My stomach be growling. I can’t wait to get my mouth on that meat.

Ben Davis: (excited) Really?

Hailie Morgan: And bite down.

Ben Davis: (winces) Oh, so you weren’t being frisky with me?

Hailie Morgan: No. I be legit hungry.

Professor Tincher, who’s about to start the cookout, gets everyone’s attention.

Professor Tincher: Can I have your attention? Before I put the first patty on the grill, I just wanted to let everyone know how happy I am to be the manager once more, and how great it is to have the name “Kroger” back on the building. This is just a really good day. Let’s cook!

Austin walks up to the fuel center and waves at Katie. She lets him inside the small room. Adam looks over and notices. It’s funny. Even though he thought he had moved on from her, he realizes his still has feelings. He knows she’d make a terrible girlfriend, but he can’t help it. He’s feeling jealous right now.

CUT TO: Inside the fuel center.

Austin Slaughter: So babe, how’s your first day back?

Katie Collins: So far so good. I’m still new at this fuel center thing, but it’s pretty easy so far. Why are you here?

Austin Slaughter: I missed you. I was so used to you being home all day. It’s strange with just me and Maitland.

Katie Collins: Where *is* Maitland?

Austin Slaughter: She’s at your mom’s house. Damn, you look hot.

Katie Collins: Imma need you to shut your mouth… and kiss me.

They kiss. Just then, Meat-Man pops up from out of nowhere.

Meat-Man: Hi, Katie. Remember me?

Katie Collins: Rob Jenkins?!?

Meat-Man: No, silly. It’s Meat-Man. You rejected me for *this* tool?

Austin Slaughter: Say WHAT now? Son, you better shut yo mouth before I shut it for you.

Meat-Man: (sarcastically) You’re a tough one.

The villain pulls out a walkie-talkie, and speaks into it.

Meat-Man: (into the walkie-talkie) Okay, Scrominians. Now!

A giant space ship, piloted by a Scrominian, hovers over the fuel center. A giant claw attached to a long wire, is lowered and as if the alien were playing the claw machine to win a doll, he grabs the fuel center with it, and lifts the building in the air. Everyone watches on in amazement and terror. The ship flies over to behind Kroger, where a giant grill is set up. It was also built by the Scrominians.

Adam Hauck: This looks like a job for…

Adam runs inside the store and quickly changes into his superhero costume in the bagger’s closet. He exits and says…

Masked Bagger: The Masked Bagger!

CUT TO: Out back. There’s a long grill with two poles at each end. Tied up to one pole is Katie Collins. Tied up to the other pole is her boyfriend, Austin Slaughter.

Meat-Man: This is great. Now I know you’re concerned about one thing - was the fuel center demolished? Don’t worry. It’s all in one piece and I’ve already had it returned to its spot.

Katie Collins: That’s not quite the concern I have at the moment.

Austin Slaughter: Don’t worry, babe. Masked Bagger will save us!

Meat-Man: You’re half right. He *will* save you, or (to Katie) you. He won’t however, be able to save both of you.

Katie Collins: Don’t underestimate Masked Bagger, Meat-Face!

Meat-Man: What did I ever see in you? Personally, I hope the Bagger saves your boy toy. I’d love to see you in flames.

Katie Collins: Say what?

Meat-Man: I’ll explain it to the hero when he arrives. I really don’t want to explain my plan, just to have to repeat it in a few minutes.

CUT TO: Chris Ward spots Masked Bagger headed for the back of the store. He quickly changes into his Cart-Boy costume and follows after the hero.

Masked Bagger arrives on the scene.

Masked Bagger: What in the world is this contraption?

Meat-Man: What’s it look like?

Masked Bagger: A giant grill.

Meat-Man: Guess what, Baggy. That’s exactly was it is.

Masked Bagger: Will you let them go?

Meat-Man: Sure. (laughs) Did you really think it would be that easy?

Masked Bagger: No, but I just didn’t want to go through with all the fighting only to find out later all I had to do was ask.

Meat-Man: Oh, no. You’re gonna have to fight in this one.

Suddenly, Cart-Boy arrives. Everyone looks surprised as this is technically his big debut.

Meat-Man: Who’s this, your underage boyfriend?

Cart-Boy: Please. As if *he* could get *me*.

Masked Bagger: Okay, I’m not comfortable with this analogy.

Cart-Boy: I’m Cart-Boy and I’m the one who’s gonna take you down.

Meat-Man realizes this could put a damper on his plan. He didn’t figure on a second hero coming by to help in the rescue. He whistles, and twenty evil bird-men fly down from their nest to attack the masked teenager.

Cart-Boy: I got this!

He begins to battle the birds. Masked Bagger walks closer to Meat-Man.

Masked Bagger: So what’s your plan?

Meat-Man: Glad you asked. Basically, fire’s gonna shoot straight up and barbeque the two hostages. You have a choice to make, Bagger. You save the beautiful, yet difficult to get along with Katie Collins - or you save Austin Slaughter, the love of Katie’s life, which makes him our natural enemy.

Masked Bagger: Here’s the thing about me. I can’t make up my mind on anything. So this could take me a while.

Meat-Man: You have one minute.

Masked Bagger: One minute? Way to be a douche! Lives are at stake here.. Literally. I have to think this through.

Meat-Man: It’s a tough job being a superhero. Are you up for it?

Masked Bagger: I am. I went away recently because I didn’t think I *was* up for it anymore. But I returned because I realized how much good I can do in the world… and that’s important. One person *can* make a difference,

Katie Collins: (shouts) Imma need you to hurry up and choose, Bagger!

Masked Bagger: Keep it up and I’ll choose Austin!

Katie Collins: I’m quiet.

Masked Bagger: (to Meat-Man) You know I’m gonna save them both.

Meat-Man: I don’t see how you can.

Masked Bagger: Good. You’re not supposed to know all my moves.

CUT TO: The picnic table. Bernie is quite upset.

Bernie Boswell: Mister Tincher, when are you gonna start the cookout? I’m hungry.

Hailie Morgan: Me be, too.

Professor Tincher: There’s kind of a situation going on here.

Bernie Boswell: What? Masked Bagger’s on the case. The fuel center is back. I say let’s eat! And I’m sure Hailie would say something like “Let’s be eatin’!”

Hailie Morgan: I *have* said that before.

CUT TO: Meat-Man, Masked Bagger and the two hostages.

Meat-Man: So this is it. Who are you gonna save? This is so exciting for me. You’ve got ten seconds, starting… NOW!

Masked Bagger runs over to Katie. He lifts up the pole and throws it onto the ground with her still tied to it.

Katie Collins: (sarcastically) Please don’t be gentle with me!

She realizes that Austin is going to die.

Katie Collins: Save Austin!

Masked Bagger: I plan to!

Our precious hero runs across the grill, risking his life for the man who gets to be with the woman he once loved, and now, you know, kinda likes. Time is running out. Masked Bagger ejects a cart strap from his sleeve. It wraps itself around Austin. The 717 Guardian then jumps off the grill. Everyone thinks he’s given up, but suddenly the pole rises. Fire shoots up from the grill, but Austin is okay. Masked Bagger had used a remote control to fly his plane silently overhead. A magnet in the plane attracted the metal in the cart strap, which made a connection. The plane then flies over, with a dangling Austin following. It lands safely.

Meat-Man: That was impressive.

Masked Bagger: Thanks. I got the idea from you.

Meat-Man: From me?

Masked Bagger: Sure. If you didn’t have that plane fly you guys back here, I never would have thought to summon my own plane.

Meat-Man: That’s cool. That’s cool.

After acting calm for a moment, the monstrous villain grabs a meat cleaver from his pocket and hurls it at our hero. Masked Bagger dodges it and it lands right next to Katie, who’s still tied up.

Katie Collins: I’m not opposed to having a little tied up fun but… THIS IS NOT FUN!!!!! Untie me!

Masked Bagger: Kinda busy. Just wriggle your way out.

Katie Collins: And to think just a couple months ago, this guy delivered my baby. Now he’s just another jerk in a mask.

Masked Bagger takes out his bag-gun and aims it at Meat-Man, who throws another cleaver, knocking the gun out of Bagger’s hand.

Meat-Man: This is too easy. You’re not bringing your “A game.” Were you expecting that kid to help you out? Ha!

Masked Bagger: Yeah, where *is* Cart-Boy?

CUT TO: The bird’s nest. Cart-Boy is still fighting the feathered freaks.

Cart-Boy: Crap. I didn’t mean to come up here. You birds take me down, immediately. The Masked Bagger needs me!

One of the birds rams into the rookie hero, causing him to fall through the sky. Masked Bagger looks up and sees this. He gets his remote control out, and flies the plane to Cart-Boy, who slams into the top of it. He holds on for dear life as it lands him to safety.

Masked Bagger: Okay. Now back to us.

Meat-Man: Finally. You know, I haven’t fought you in two years.

Masked Bagger: And this is the best you came up with?

Meat-Man: I guess I could just reveal your identity or did you forget I know who you are under that mask?

The magnificent man in a mask takes a bandana out of his pocket and puts it on his head.

Masked Bagger: I’m gonna take care of business the way they do on the streets. You’re about to get beaten within an inch of your life.

Meat-Man: Should I be afraid?

Masked Bagger: In a word, yes. The villain I fought before you is currently dead. That’s all me.

Meat-Man: The last time we fought, your previous villain had just died. I need to stop showing up directly after a death.

Masked Bagger: You need to stop showing up at all.

Meat-Man hops onto the giant grill.

Meat-Man: Let’s do this. The fire can shoot up at any moment. Let’s fight to the death, or at least until one of us is flame broiled!

Masked Bagger steps up and the two begin their fight. Cart-Boy comes by and unties Katie and Austin. They both hug and then watch the fight.

It’s good versus evil fighting on that grill. Bagger punches Meaty right in the face. The baddie retaliates by hitting our hero in the stomach, causing him to bend forward, to which Meat-Man then punches Masked Bagger in the face. He falls backwards and lands on the hot grill. That causes the 717 Guardian to get up very quickly. He takes out his cart strap and wraps it around Meat-Man’s neck, then hurls it off the grill. He follows and just as they both hit the ground, flames shoot up. They both would have been barbequed.

Masked Bagger: You’re welcome for saving your life.

Meat-Man: I didn’t say “thank you.”

Masked Bagger: (mock sincerity) You didn’t have to say it. I see the look in your eyes.

Meat-Man: I hate you, Masked Bagger! I want you dead!

Masked Bagger: Typical super villain. Why don’t you want something original for a change?

Masked Bagger turns around to walk over to his bag-gun. The very angry man covered in meat stands up and lifting his arm with yet another cleaver, he’s about to take a swing, and kill our precious hero. Cart-Boy spots this and lands on Meat-Man, knocking him back to the ground. Masked Bagger turns around to see them on the pavement. He reaches for his gun and aims it at the bad guy.

Masked Bagger: Move out of the way, Cart-Boy.

Cart-Boy: Gotcha!

As the teen titan gets off the villain, the hero shoots Meat-Man with the bag-gun. He’s captured.

CUT TO: Later at the cookout, Masked Bagger and Cart-Boy are there to accept the praise of the staff. Tincher takes them aside.

Professor Tincher: So how was it? Did you both work as a team?

Masked Bagger: Yeah, a little. I mean he fought the birds while I fought Meat-Man. He then took down Meat-Man, while I, uh, I’m sure I did something in this fight.

Katie passes by.

Katie Collins: You saved me and Austin.

Masked Bagger: That’s right, I did! I saved Katie and Austin.

Professor Tincher: So, Carts, what do you have to say?

Cart-Boy: This was a one time only thing. I don’t mind helping out, but I don’t like the idea of my identity being a secret. I wanna show off. Girls *love* a superhero.

Masked Bagger: They do? I have yet to discover that.

Cart-Boy: Trust me. They do. If you ever need my help again, I’m here for you… as Chris Ward - not Cart-Boy. I have my pride after all.

Professor Tincher: Actually, Chris, I had a discussion with you mom a little bit ago, and she said she doesn’t want you fighting crime. She says it’s too dangerous. Sorry. I know this was all my idea.

Cart-Boy: (upset) What? She’s not the boss of me! If I want to fight bad guys, I’ll fight bad guys! She can’t stop me, and neither can you!

Professor Tincher: Don’t take that tone of voice with me, young man. You’re grounded!

Cart-Boy: What!?! This is completely unfair!

Masked Bagger: Boy, I’m glad I was an adult when I became a superhero. I got to avoid the roller coaster of emotions that come with being a teenager.

He turns to see Katie and Austin kissing passionately. He has all kinds of feelings inside. Even though he’s kind of over her, he’s still not, and seeing her kissing her man is upsetting Masked Bagger to the core. He storms off like a bratty kid.

Masked Bagger: This isn’t fair! *I’m* the superhero. *I* should get to kiss the girl!

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

[Adamantium]

The Banta Bowler

ISSUE #2. The One That Got Away

Starring:
Banta Bowler alias Michael Forman [pictured below]
Pat [pictured below]
Elvis Pinson [pictured below]

with The Pin-People! [pictured below]

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #2. The One That Got Away

Originally Released on August 25th, 2015

It’s been a year since we last checked in on The Banta Bowler. In that time, he has become a successful superhero for the Banta Bowling Alley, capturing such villains as The Turkey, The Evil League of High School Bowlers and Mister Gutterball, but our hero never forgot about the one who got away… Elvis Pinson. Pinson was the Bowler’s first villain and has ties to his origin story. He had escaped the building and was never seen again.

Michael Forman enters the building to start his shift. He walks over to Pat.

Michael Forman: Morning, Pat.

Pat: Good morning, Mike. How’s the Mrs.?

Michael Forman: Stephanie is not my wife… yet. (smiles)

Pat: I’m just glad that ever since you two have gotten together, she’s never come in here on the warpath. You’re the man.

Michael Forman: I *am* the man, aren’t I?

Pat: Yep, you and Banta Bowler.

Michael Forman: (paranoid) What have you heard?

Pat: What? Nothing.

Michael Forman: (relieved) Oh, okay.

Suddenly a group of the Pin-People enter the building. Both men see this.

Pat: Look who’s here. I have to summon the Bowler.

Michael Forman: Okay, and I have to go to the restroom. Something I ate is not agreeing with me.

Michael darts off as he hears Pat’s page on the intercom…

Pat on Intercom: Banta Bowler, you’re needed up front.

Forman doesn’t really go to the bathroom. There’s a secret doorway in front of it that leads to Banta Bowler’s hideout. He quickly changes his clothes and as that bad-ass hero, returns to the front.

Pat: There you are, Bowler. As you can see we have a situation.

Banta Bowler: Yes, I do see.

Two days after becoming the hero, Forman discovered that he has a super power besides being the greatest bowler on earth. His body creates its own bowling balls and they pop out of his hands whenever he needs to use one. Yes, you read that correctly. A ball pops out of Banta’s hand.

Banta Bowler: I could do this all day!

He takes a swing and the ball leaves his hand, rolls down the alley and knocks three of them down. The Bowler continues to bowl away the baddies. Meanwhile, Elvis Pinson sneaks in. He was using the Pin-People to divert people’s attention.

CUT TO: Pinson is inside his former lab. The same lab that created Banta Bowler and even though Elvis was there, he has no memory of that moment (luckily for the Bowler).

Elvis Pinson: I am the greatest bowler in the world… or at least I would be if it wasn’t for the Banta Bowler. I find it very strange that just as I am working on a serum to be able to claim that title, this hero comes along with seemingly super human powers. I need to find out what went on down here a year ago, and then reverse it.

CUT TO: Pat is at the front desk. Michael walks up to him.

Michael Forman: I’ll see you tomorrow, Pat.

Pat: Before you go, I have to ask you. Did you see Banta Bowler fighting the Pin-People?

Michael Forman: No. I was in the restroom. Why?

Pat: I could have sworn I saw ol’ Elvis Pinson sneak past them.

Michael reaches over the counter and grabs Pat by the shirt.

Michael Forman: Where did he go?

Pat: Banta Bowler!

Michael Forman: What? I’m not the…

Pat: Why else would you have that intensity in your eyes, and the nerve to grab me like that? I can’t believe I didn’t realize this sooner. After all, you’re the only black employee we have, so I should have at least suspected you before.

Michael Forman: I’ll tell you the truth if I can trust you.

Pat: You can trust me, but I’ve already figured it out.

Michael Forman: Fine. I’m the Banta Bowler. A year ago, I was downstairs in Pinson’s lab…

Pat: Pinson has a lab?

Michael Forman: Yes.

Pat: I should really pay more attention around here.

Michael Forman: He was working on a formula to make him the world’s greatest bowler, but an explosion occurred and I was doused with the stuff. He seems to have forgotten all about that moment, however.

Pat: Let’s check out his lab. Maybe that’s where he went.

Michael Forman: I’ll do it alone.

Pat: Oh no. I’m a part of this now.

Michael Forman: Right. You’re the part that stays at the front desk and pages on the intercom whenever Banta Bowler is needed. You have an important role in this already. Now I’m going downstairs alone.

Pat: Good luck.

Michael Forman: Thanks.

CUT TO: The lab downstairs. Pinson is down there, going through files and various other things, even though the room wasn’t repaired after the damage caused by the explosion. So the place is a mess. Banta Bowler enters the room. Pinson doesn’t notice.

Banta Bowler: We meet again, Pinson!

Elvis turns around.

Elvis Pinson: Banta Bowler - what are *you* doing here?

Banta Bowler: I’m here clean out the gutters and throw you in jail.

Elvis Pinson: For what? I haven’t done anything!

Banta Bowler: Are you kidding me? You’re a criminal. It’s just too bad for you that you created me.

Elvis Pinson: Say that again.

Banta Bowler: You and your experiments are responsible for me being the superhero I am today.

Elvis Pinson: And you’re mad about that?

Banta Bowler: No. I’m mad because your serums are also responsible for the super villains of this alley. You didn’t just create me. You created all of them, too. All because you wanted to be a good bowler.

Elvis Pinson: Not a “good bowler” - the greatest bowler in the world. I still intend to be, too.

Banta Bowler: Not with me around.

Elvis Pinson: You know I was just discussing that with the voices in my head. I’m going to have to kill you.

Banta Bowler: Many have tried, but as you can see, I’m still here.

Elvis Pinson: True, and all my stuff seems to have been destroyed. I wonder if my second lab is still operational.

Banta Bowler: Second lab?

Elvis opens a secret door and enters a different lab. This one looks spiffy. There’s a lineup of Pin-People at the ready.

Elvis Pinson: Pin-People… Attack!!!!

They do as they are told. Banta Bowler punches one in the face. He spins around and kicks another, knocking it down. He creates two bowling balls - one from each hand - and smashes one of the pins in the head with them. He continues punching and kicking his way through the army of pins as the number keeps growing. It’s starting to be too much. Elvis sneaks out of the lab, closes the door, and locks it from the outside. As the pins continue attacking the Bowler, something strange happens. The floor starts opening up. Over the intercom, Pinson says…

Elvis Pinson: Gutterball! With a gutter made of acid!

Banta Bowler: Crap!

The Pin-People start falling in and are burned to death by the acid. Banta Bowler looks for something to grab onto. Just as the floor completely caves in, he jumps up and grabs a hold of the doorknob. The ground below is hot acid, which is heating up the room. Bowler doesn’t have a lot of ideas coming to him, but one thing he knows for sure - don’t let go of the doorknob!

CUT TO: Pat is sitting at the front desk, and he sees Elvis Pinson running out of the building. He gets up and chases after the slimy scientist, but Pinson is too fast.

Pat: He got away again. Bowler? I wonder what happened!

Just then, a sweaty Banta Bowler enters the main room.

Banta Bowler: Where is he?

Pat: He got away again. What happened to you?

Banta Bowler: The floor to his lab opened up and I held onto the doorknob to keep from falling in acid. I climbed up with my feet, still holding the doorknob with one hand. I ejected a bowling ball with the other and pounded the door until I broke through. Then I reached my hand in and opened it up.

Pat: Anyone else telling that story would be freaked out, but this is just a typical Tuesday for you, huh?

Banta Bowler: Yeah.

Pat: Are you okay?

Banta Bowler: No. I won’t be okay until Elvis Pinson is behind bars!

Pat: Maybe he'll come back soon.

Banta Bowler: No. He’s too smart to return. Even if he assumes I died. He wouldn’t risk it. I have to follow him.

Pat: Out there? Look, inside this bowling alley is one thing, but going outside dressed like that, let’s just say you might attract attention. The wrong kind.

Banta Bowler: I’m leaving the alley. I won’t be back until I get him. I’ll see you around. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

THE END…FOR THIS ISSUE!

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #25. Kroger Devil Strikes!

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Stan Tincher
Hailie Morgan
Ben Davis
Bernie Boswell
Gabe Chapman

Guest Starring:
Chris Ward
Marlene Tincher
Kroger Devil [pictured below]

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #25. Kroger Devil Strikes!

Originally released on September 10th, 2015

And For The Twenty-Fifth Time, Our Story…

It’s a nice September morning. The Professor and Adam are in the basement lab.

Professor Tincher: I’m so happy with my life, Adam. For the first time in a long time.

Adam Hauck: I’m glad to hear that, Professor. You deserve it.

Professor Tincher: Thanks. I have a wonderful wife and stepson. The store is back to normal with me as the manager. I have (points to Adam) a good friend. I live in an actual house now, and not this basement anymore. Yep, things are pretty great right now.

Adam Hauck: I just wish I had a girlfriend, but yeah, things are going good these days. I agree.

Professor Tincher: I even told Marlene and Chris that you’re the Masked Bagger.

Adam Hauck: Why’d you do that?!?

Professor Tincher: I don’t want to keep any secrets from them. Besides, I was bound to slip up and reveal it to them eventually. So I avoided an awkward moment by just being up front about it now.

Adam Hauck: But you didn’t want anyone to know. I’m not allowed to tell anyone.

Professor Tincher: Adam, we can trust my family.

Adam Hauck: Maybe so, but we can’t be telling people my secret.

Professor Tincher: Relax, Adam.

Adam Hauck: No. When I’m the sensible one, there’s a problem.

Professor Tincher: Adam, seriously, relax. Things are good right now.

CUT TO: The Kroger Devil is sitting at his throne at store 666. Jasper the Snake slithers in.

Jasper the Snake: You wanted to see me, Master?

Kroger Devil: It’s time to attack store 717.

Jasper the Snake: In what sense, Master?

Kroger Devil: In the sense there will be nothing left when I’m done.

Jasper the Snake: I thought you were going to attack 717 in February, Master.

Kroger Devil: That was the original plan, but things have changed.

Jasper the Snake: But why?

Kroger Devil: I got bored… decided to shake things up now. Do I have your approval?

Jasper the Snake: But Master, you don’t need my approval.

Kroger Devil: And don’t ever forget it.

CUT TO: Marlene is in the bakery department. Her son, Chris, is on a break and chatting with her. Professor Tincher walks by and sees his new family. He smiles and goes to them.

Professor Tincher: Marlene, Chris, how are things?

Marlene Tincher: They’re great, Stan. Chris was just telling me about school.

Professor Tincher: Yep, you’re a junior now. How’s it feel?

Chris Ward: Pretty cool. I’ve got six girls chasing after me. Were you popular in high school Stan?

Professor Tincher: Uh, well, I know you figure I was always this cool and hip, but honestly, I was kind of a nerd back in school. I got picked on a lot. It was terrible.

Chris Ward: Wow, that sucks.

Professor Tincher: Yeah, so do me a favor. Don’t pick on any nerds. They have feelings, too.

Chris Ward: Why would I pick on a nerd? Those guys rock.

Professor Tincher: My how things have changed since *I* was in school. I think I grew up in the wrong era.

Marlene Tincher: You grew up in the right era, Stan. If you were just a teenager now, I can guarantee that I wouldn’t have married you.

Professor Tincher: Not without my father’s permission anyways, ha-ha.

They all laugh.

Chris Ward: Well my break’s over. I’ll catch you guys later.

Marlene Tincher: Later, Chris.

Chris walks away.

Marlene Tincher: I wonder if working and going to school is too much for him.

Professor Tincher: It might be. If it is, we can cut back his hours. Since you and I were married, there’s really no need for him to have a job, too. That was only because you couldn’t make it on your own.

Marlene Tincher: So you came along and rescued me.

Professor Tincher: Correction. *You* rescued *me*.

They kiss.

Professor Tincher: Well I’d better continue making my rounds now. I’ll see you a little later.

Marlene Tincher: Okay, honey.

Professor Tincher walks off. He decides to look at his wife again and turns around. When he sees Marlene, his face turns white. He’s just seen something that scares him to the core.

Professor Tincher: No. Dear God, no.

CUT TO: Bernie is doing a price check in the frozen department. Chapman is over there working.

Gabe Chapman: How’s the Almighty One today?

Bernie Boswell: I’ve been better.

Gabe Chapman: Like when you had millions of dollars?

Bernie Boswell: That’s a great example, yes.

Gabe Chapman: How are you adjusting to the bagger life?

Bernie Boswell: Not well. I figured it would be okay. I mean, I’ve bagged for customers before, but only helping out. To bag eight hours is affecting my mind and making me weird.

Gabe Chapman: I’d like to point out that some lesser person would have made a joke about that. Saying something like “You mean weirder” or “Oh no, you were ALWAYS weird,” but not me, Almighty. Not your right hand man.

Bernie Boswell: Thanks, buddy. How are you liking frozen?

Gabe Chapman: Oh I hate it. If I have to hear “Let It Go” one more time, I’m going to rip my hair out of my head, and you know how much I like my hair.

Bernie Boswell: No, I mean working in the frozen department - not the movie “Frozen”.

Gabe Chapman: Oh I know. My department head sings that stupid song over and over again. I keep hoping he’ll turn into a super villain, so the guardian can bag him.

Bernie Boswell: (sarcastically) Fingers crossed.

Gabe Chapman: Yes, because I’m close to getting a plastic bag and putting it over his head and, well, you know.

Bernie Boswell: This conversation just took a dark turn.

Gabe Chapman: That’s what that damn song does to me.

Bernie Boswell: Chappy, just let it go.

Not the best choice of words on Bernie’s part. As a result, Chapman begins to strangle him before realizing what he’s doing and composes himself.

CUT TO: The front end. Adam and Chris are bagging side by side. Chris looks at Adam.

Chris Ward: So how are things, Adam?

Adam Hauck: They’re fine. Why do you ask?

Chris Ward: No reason other than just being friendly.

Adam Hauck: I don’t like this.

Chris Ward: What's that?

Adam Hauck: I know you know my secret.

Suddenly three bird-men fly into the store. Customers begin to scream and run off (don’t act like you wouldn’t do the same thing!).

Chris Ward: You better get to the closet.

Adam Hauck: (annoyed) Obviously!

Adam runs to the bagger’s closet and changes his identity to that of The Masked Bagger!!! He comes out and chases down the birds. The fight only takes a few minutes as these evil creatures are quite easy to defeat. When the battle is over, Masked Bagger stands there as Professor Tincher walks up to him.

Professor Tincher: Bagger, I’m scared.

Masked Bagger: Of what?

Professor Tincher: I saw something earlier and it has me freaked.

Masked Bagger: (joking) You didn’t watch the sex tape Bernie made with Jean before she died, did you? At least I think it was made before she died.

He smiles. The Professor does not.

Professor Tincher: This is serious.

Masked Bagger: Well what is it?

Professor Tincher: I don’t know yet. I’m afraid Marlene’s life is in danger. I can’t go through this again. I’ve finally found happiness since Brooke died and Bailey vanished. Adam, I don’t have it in me to lose another family.

Masked Bagger: You won’t. I promise.

Professor Tincher: I know you’ll do your best, but this may be bigger than the both of us.

CUT TO: Ben and Hailie are in the break room, sitting at a table.

Ben Davis: Hailie, we’ve been getting close to one another for a couple months now. Yet, you refuse to call me your boyfriend. What’s up with that?

Hailie Morgan: There be someone else.

Ben Davis: What? Who?

Hailie Morgan: I never thought I’d be saying this… Bernie Boswell.

Ben Davis: Say WHAT!?!

Hailie Morgan: Psych! I would never be with Bernie. Even when he was a millionaire.

Ben Davis: That was a close one.

Hailie Morgan: I *do* consider you to be my boyfriend. I just never be saying it loud or nothing.

Ben Davis: So let’s make this thing official.

Hailie Morgan: Okay. We gonna press it right here on the table?

Ben Davis: “Press it” - that means have sex. Uh, no, we will not be pressing it on the table because there’s a camera in the room.

Hailie Morgan: Then we have a tape of it to watch over and over.

Ben Davis: Gosh, I thought instead of watching a tape over and over, we could just be doing it over and over again.

Hailie Morgan: I like how you think, Benny.

CUT TO: The Kroger Devil begins walking through the store. A mom and her four-year-old daughter look at him.

The Mom: Aubrey, come over here and get your picture taken with Ivan Ooze from the Power Rangers movie! I loved that film as a kid.

Aubrey looks excited.

Kroger Devil: I’m not Ivan Ooze.

The Mom: My kid wants a picture with you and she’s gonna have it.

Kroger Devil: (sighs) Fine, but let’s hurry this up. I don’t have all day.

The Kroger Devil poses with little Aubrey as the mom takes a picture with her cell phone.

Kroger Devil: You done?

The Mom: Wait a second. Let me see. Ooh, it’s blurry. Let’s do it again.

That evil being stays in position as the mom retakes the pic.

The Mom: Oops, now Aubrey was looking the other way. One last time, I promise.

Kroger Devil: (to himself) How did I get involved in this? I literally just walked in the door. Now I know why I don’t come in here very often.

Another picture is taken.

The Mom: Well this time you have some serious red eye. You look evil. It’s spooky.

Kroger Devil: So then it’s a good picture, huh?

The Mom: I can fix it on my computer, I guess.

Aubrey: Thanks, mister.

Aubrey kisses him on the cheek. For one brief second, the Kroger Devil feels love.

Kroger Devil: Kid, get out of here. Something bad is about to happen and you don’t want to be here when it does.

The Mom: Let’s go, Aubrey!

Kroger Devil: Eh, you, however, can stay.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher and Adam Hauck are relaxing in Tincher’s office.

Adam Hauck: So you’re not afraid anymore? What happened?

Professor Tincher: I was worried about Marlene, but I came to my senses a little bit ago. She’s gonna be fine. So I just want to sit here and bask in the glory that is life.

Adam Hauck: You’re acting kinda weird, Professor. What’s up?

Professor Tincher: Nothing. I’m just in the mood to reflect. Once I’m done reflecting with you, I’ll reflect with Marlene. Oh, that reminds me, I’ll be leaving work early today to get off when she does.

Adam Hauck: I gotta say, being married again has done wonders for you. You’ve always been kind of a gloomy Gus.

Professor Tincher: I know. I’m sorry about that. I couldn’t see happiness past Brooke and Bailey. Then you came along and things started to improve. I became involved with my employees. Considered a few of them friends.

The Professor looks at the framed picture on his desk.

Professor Tincher: Do you remember when we took this pic?

Adam Hauck: Uh, yeah. That was in 2013 - “Masked Bagger Day.” You, me, Katie, Mickey and M.B.

Professor Tincher: I miss Mickey and M.B.

Adam Hauck: Me, too.

Professor Tincher: M.B. just had the unfortunate timing of being created right as The Powder struck.

Tincher’s about to cry.

Professor Tincher: I try to improve this world, but I just can’t.

Adam Hauck: You *do* improve things. This earth level is better off because you’re in it. I don’t know what I would do without you.

Professor Tincher: Thank you, but you’d be just fine. (changing the subject) Yep, I sure do miss Mickey and M.B.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, I also miss Katie. I don’t see her much anymore. Things have really changed since the early days of Masked Bagger.

Professor Tincher: And with a few exceptions, all for the better. You became like a kid brother to me, since despite what some people may think, I’m not actually old enough to be your father.

Adam Hauck: Do people really think that?

Professor Tincher: Pretty sure they do, yeah.

Adam Hauck: I guess it’s because I seem so young to everyone. I have kind of a baby face.

They both laugh. The Professor holds up a glass of Mountain Dew to propose a toast. Adam picks up the Sparkling Ice bottle he brought in.

Professor Tincher: To “Baby Face” and the Improver.

They take a drink. Suddenly Chris runs in.

Chris Ward: My mom’s been kidnapped!

Adam Hauck: What? By who?

Chris Ward: Some purple guy with a red Kroger shirt and a tail!

Adam Hauck: The Kroger Devil!

Professor Tincher: (to himself) Maybe it *is* Marlene who dies.

Adam Hauck: What, Professor?

Professor Tincher: Nothing. We have to rescue her!

An explosion goes off at a distance.

Chris Ward: What’s that?

Professor Tincher: I think we’re under attack. If Kroger Devil’s really here, this could be it… the end of the store - and more.

Adam Hauck: You mean my big showdown with the Devil has finally arrived?

Professor Tincher: Maybe. But first thing’s first. We have to evacuate the building. Get everybody out. I’ll track down Marlene while Masked Bagger battles Kroger Devil.

Adam Hauck: I can’t do it alone. I’m not ready.

Chris Ward: I’ll help.

Professor Tincher: No, you won’t. You go down to the basement. You’ll be safe down there.

Chris Ward: I’m not gonna run and hide.

Professor Tincher: I’m not going to argue with you. Go downstairs to the lab. When all of this is over, the four of us will reunite in the basement - the three of us and Marlene. I chose the basement because there won’t be much of the store left. This isn’t a common super villain like Trash Beast or Big K. This is the Kroger Devil… the ultimate villain. Let’s go!

Chris goes to the basement, like he’s told. Professor and Adam run out of the office to evacuate the building.

CUT TO: Marlene is behind bars in a mysterious room that was secretly built by the Scrominians earlier that day. Kroger Devil is with her.

Kroger Devil: There’s a great chance that the love of your life will never find you in here.

Marlene Tincher: He’ll find me!

Kroger Devil: Maybe, but he won’t be able to rescue you in time. I’ve set up certain areas of the store to blow up, and by the end of it, the store will be in ruins. You will be dead and poor Tincher will go back to being sad, while I’ll be joyfully dancing to Disco Inferno.

Marlene Tincher: Why do you care so much about hurting Stan?

Kroger Devil: I always need someone to hate. In the beginning, it was Barney Kroger. That didn’t last very long as he had locked me up for a hundred and twenty-something years. When I came out, Barney was long dead, but there was this interesting fellow named Stan Tincher. He was just so good. It got on my nerves. I turned his stepson into a villain, which caused the boy’s mother so much grief, she had a heart attack and died. Tinchy was so upset, I love it. Then along came Masked Bagger, who brought a small measure of happiness back into the goody-goody’s life. That bugged me. Plus Bagger kept defeating all the super villains I created. Still, though, my hatred was focused on your lover-boy. Then he met you, and you two fell in love and got married. It was such a beautiful thing. Since I’m evil and hate beautiful things, I knew I had to crush it. So I’m going to kill you and in the process reset the Professor. He’ll be miserable again. And as long as he’s miserable, I’m happy.

Marlene Tincher: You’re evil!

Kroger Devil: (touched) Hey, thanks, sweetie. I appreciate that.

CUT TO: The front end. Bernie, Ben and Hailie are up there as customers are un-phased by the explosions. Tincher and Adam run over to them.

Professor Tincher: Everyone needs to leave now! You see…

Before Tincher could explain why he wanted them to leave, Bernie, Ben and Hailie all ran out of the building. They don’t have to be told twice! The customers, however, continue to shop. There’s a sale going on.

Professor Tincher: Everyone who leaves now will get a five dollar off coupon for anything worth ten dollars!

Customers run out of the store. Suddenly, six bird-men fly inside. There’s something different about them. They are each on fire. Adam runs to the bagger’s closet, changes identities, and returns as Masked Bagger, with a fire extinguisher. The Professor takes off to round up more customers in the store to get them out. Once Masked Bagger has finished spraying down the birds and ramming their skulls with the extinguisher, the Kroger Devil walks up to the 717 Guardian.

Masked Bagger: I don’t believe it. It’s you!

Kroger Devil: It’s been a long time, Bagger. The last time our paths crossed was in 1883, outside the grand opening if Kroger.

Masked Bagger: You remember that?

Kroger Devil: Oh, I could never forget it.

Masked Bagger: Why are you here?

Kroger Devil: To bring upon the Kroger apocalypse.

Masked Bagger: Seriously?

Kroger Devil: Eh, maybe, maybe not. You’ll just have to find out.

The Masked Bagger takes out his bag-gun and shoots the Devil with it. Two seconds later, the bag starts melting and the dark lord of Kroger is free. He then laughs and walks away as our hero stands, unable to move for twenty seconds (which seems like forever when you’re paralyzed). He’s suddenly free from the spell as explosions go off in the background. Professor Tincher runs over to our hero.

Professor Tincher: Bagger, I can’t find Marlene anywhere!

Masked Bagger: I’ll help you look.

Professor Tincher: Okay, but we have to hurry. I don’t know how much time we have left before the building is a pile of bricks on the ground.

They run off in search of the missing Marlene Tincher. Masked Bagger spots a door by the dairy.

Masked Bagger: I don’t remember this door being here.

Professor Tincher: It never was before.

They open it. Marlene is there. She’s still behind bars, but the Kroger Devil is long gone. More explosions go off. They’re getting closer.

Marlene Tincher: Stan!

Professor Tincher: Don’t worry, Marlene. We’re going to get you out of that thing!

Masked Bagger begins working on the bars, trying to free Marlene as more explosions go off at a distance.

Marlene Tincher: Where’s Chris?

Professor Tincher: He’s safe in the basement.

Marlene Tincher: Thank God. This big purple demon took me hostage here and said he was going to blow up the entire store. He knew you would survive, Stan. He wanted to take me from you because you’ve been so happy as of late.

Professor Tincher: Because of you and Chris. You’ve made me whole again. I’m not about to lose you, Marlene.

Explosions go off in other areas of the building.

Masked Bagger: Professor, I don’t know what to do! Nothing’s working!

Professor Tincher knows there is no way to get Marlene out of the cage in time.

Professor Tincher: We have to do *something*!

Marlene Tincher: Go!

Professor Tincher: What?

Marlene Tincher: I said go! Save yourself!

Professor Tincher: No! I won’t leave you!

Masked Bagger: Professor, I hate to say this, but we need to go now if we expect to survive!

Professor Tincher: No! I’ve lost too many people I love. I won’t lose Marlene, too!

Masked Bagger: What are you saying?

Marlene Tincher: Stan, go. There’s no need for both of us to die.

Professor Tincher: We’ll be together.

The Professor reaches through the bars of the cage. The couple hold hands. Tincher turns back to the 717 Guardian.

Professor Tincher: Adam, get out of here! The world needs you to keep fighting!

Masked Bagger: I’m not gonna just let you die!

The explosions are getting closer and louder.

Professor Tincher: Get down to the basement. You’ll be fine down there.

Masked Bagger: So that’s it? The Kroger Devil wins?

Professor Tincher: No. His plan was to take Marlene from me - to snatch the love of my life away from me again. But don’t you see? I’m going with her. I win.

Masked Bagger: But, Professor…

Professor Tincher: Goodbye, Adam.

Marlene Tincher: Adam, watch over Chris!

More explosions occur. This time it’s getting scary for Adam to still be there. Masked Bagger takes one last look at the Tinchers and then runs out of the room.

Professor Tincher: I love you, Marlene.

Marlene Tincher: I love you, Stan.

The couple kiss just before the room explodes. Masked Bagger runs for his life in what feels like a battle zone, with the sad knowledge that his best friend has just died and there was nothing he could do to prevent it. Masked Bagger enters the manager’s office, headed for the basement. He stops, steps over to Tincher’s desk and grabs the framed picture of their little group, and heads back downstairs just as the rest of the building blows up. Bagger makes it safely to the basement lab. Chris Ward is down there.

Chris Ward: What happened?

Masked Bagger: The store is gone. It’s blown up.

Chris Ward: Where’s my mom and Stan?

Masked Bagger: I don’t… I don’t know how…

Chris Ward: (nervous) Dude, you’re freaking me out. Where are they?

Masked Bagger: (voice cracking) Kroger Devil held your mom hostage. We couldn’t get her out, so Tincher stayed with her. The store blew up. That’s it. They’re gone.

Chris bursts into tears and runs out of the room. Masked Bagger goes to Tincher’s computer chair and sits down. He notices there’s a video on the screen which says “Read Immediately” set to play, so our hero clicks on it. Professor Tincher suddenly appears on the screen.

Professor Tincher: Dear Masked Bagger… Adam. By the time you’re watching this video, I’m dead. But you already know that. Earlier today I looked at Marlene and I saw the Grim Reaper standing beside her. My first thought was he was there for her and that scared me more than anything has ever scared me. Later, I realized that I wouldn’t be able to see the Reaper if it’s intended for Marlene. So I came to the conclusion that Death had come for me. I made this video to say goodbye to you. After all, the first time you ever saw me was in a video inviting you to come to 717. It’s only fitting that the last time you see me is in a video saying thanks and goodbye.

Masked Bagger continues to watch the video with tears streaming down his cheeks.

Professor Tincher: Of course at the time of filming this, I have no clue how I actually go. But that’s not really important, I suppose. Just know how proud I am of you. You face your fears on a daily basis, and I couldn’t be happier to have chosen you to be the 717 Guardian. Besides protecting the store, you can always make me laugh, and in this job, I need that. I’m also proud to mentor you and help you out whenever you need it. I’ve been the Alfred to your Batman and that has given my life purpose. So goodbye, my friend, and please continue to fight the good fight. (pauses) I feel like I should say something memorable here. But what?

Tincher thinks for a moment, then smiles.

Professor Tincher: Carry on, my wayward son.

Masked Bagger sits and stares at the screen even after Tincher’s video has ended. He doesn’t know what to think or what to do. Then he hears someone approaching. The 717 Guardian turns around to see Chris Ward, dressed up as the Cart-Boy.

Cart-Boy: Let’s avenge them!

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #26. It Came from Deli

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Hailie Morgan
Ben Davis
Bernie Boswell
Gabe Chapman

Guest Starring:
Cart-Boy alias Chris Ward
Glup [pictured below]
Mr. Brad Bartlett [pictured below]
Agent Jensen [pictured below]

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #26. It Came from Deli

Released on October 21st, 2015

It’s been a month since the tragic deaths of Stan and Marlene Tincher. Kroger 717 had to be rebuilt, and since the alien race known as the Scrominians are able to build things super fast, they were hired for the job. Within a month, the new store was open for business, but the memory of what was left behind will haunt Adam for the rest of his days… or at least until I write otherwise.

Adam Hauck is walking around the new 717. A man, Brad Bartlett, approaches him.

Mr. Bartlett: Hello, Mr. Hauck. I’m Brad Bartlett from corporate.

Adam Hauck: Oh, hi. Do you like the new store?

Mr. Bartlett: I do. It looks almost identical to the old one, which of course, was intentional.

Adam Hauck: Yeah. Sometimes I forget I’m in a newly built store. Then I go back to the manager’s office and (pause) he’s not there. Then I remember.

Mr. Bartlett: I’m sorry for you loss, Adam. Stan was a great man and a valued employee for over twenty years. Was he a good friend of yours?

Adam Hauck: My best friend.

Mr. Bartlett: Listen, I came here to tell you that I’ll be visiting the store on occasion until we get an official manager.

Adam Hauck: Why are you telling me? I’m just a bagger.

Mr. Bartlett: You’re much more than that and you know it.

Adam Hauck: What?

Mr. Bartlett: I know you’re the Masked Bagger.

Adam Hauck: What!?!

Mr. Bartlett: I’m from corporate, Adam. We all know. You think a masked vigilante runs around one of our stores battling super villains and corporate isn’t going to investigate? It’s okay. This store needs the Masked Bagger and your secret is safe with us.

Adam Hauck: Okay. Well, good. So how long will it take to get a new manager?

Mr. Bartlett: It could take some time. No one is wanting to transfer here because of this store’s reputation.

Adam Hauck: I resent that.

Mr. Bartlett: The previous manager and his wife were murdered by the store’s very own devil as the entire building blew up.

Adam Hauck: Point taken.

Mr. Bartlett: We’ll find somebody. It just might be a while. So until then, consider me the new Tincher.

Adam Hauck: Um…

Mr. Bartlett: Wow, I just heard myself. That was insensitive. I just meant, I’ll be your go-to guy in the battle against evil.

Adam Hauck: Okay.

Mr. Bartlett: Now I’d like a tour of the basement lab.

CUT TO: Inside the basement lab, Adam is giving Brad Bartlett a tour.

Adam Hauck: So this is it. Here’s our computer, a monitor recording the whole store, down that hallway is where we keep the super villains detained.

Mr. Bartlett: Say what?

Adam Hauck: What?

Mr. Bartlett: You actually have super villains down that hallway?

Adam Hauck: Yes. I capture them and Tincher would incarcerate them. He had plans to reform all of them, but he was never successful with that.

Mr. Bartlett: Have you had any repeat villains?

Adam Hauck: Let’s see… Pineapple-Man, The Powder, Cartastrophe, Salt-Man, Big K, Floralicity, Cutter Magee and Meat-Man. Just eight.

Mr. Bartlett: Don’t you think if you just kill them, they won’t come back and be a burden to you and our customers?

Adam Hauck: I’m not a killer. These aren’t men who decided to do despicable acts. They were possessed by a devil. It’s not their fault.

Mr. Bartlett: But they’re still bad guys, who are dangerous.

Adam Hauck: Again… I’m no killer. I’ve been down that road already.

Mr. Bartlett: Look, I don’t want to make you do anything you don’t want to do.

Adam Hauck: Thank you.

Mr. Bartlett: I’ll exterminate them for you.

Adam Hauck: You’re not exterminating anybody.

Mr. Bartlett: Yes, I am. And don’t think you can’t be replaced. There’s a bowling alley with a superhero in it now. It’s catching on. Certainly, I can find someone else willing to be the Masked Bagger for 717. Perhaps someone in better shape.

Adam Hauck: First off, that hurts. Secondly, what if I make them promise to stay in their cells?

Mr. Bartlett: I don’t think so. Now, you have twenty-four hours to take care of this. Have a good day.

Mr. Bartlett exits the basement.

CUT TO: Bernie Boswell is in the break room with a table full of goodies - pumpkin spice flavored goodies.

Bernie Boswell: I love October! The weather has cooled down from the summer. Leaves are on the ground, and just about every dessert that exists comes in pumpkin spice flavor!

Ben Davis enters the room and sits at a table away from Bernie.

Ben Davis: Watcha got there?

Bernie Boswell: Just some goodies for lunch.

Ben Davis: Let’s see: Pumpkin Spice Twinkies, Pumpkin Spice Rolls, Pumpkin Spice Cupcakes and some Pumpkin Spice Eggnog.

Bernie Boswell: You’re not going to narrate my entire lunch, are you?

Ben Davis: That depends. You’re not going to eat all of that in one sitting, are you?

Bernie Boswell: Hey, last year, I had only a handful of pumpkin spice flavored goodies and I craved it all year long. My plan this time is to overeat the stuff and become sick of it by the end of October.

Ben Davis: And gain sixty pounds in the process.

Bernie Boswell: It’s okay. I’ve joined a gym.

Ben Davis: Really? How often do you go?

Bernie Boswell: I haven’t actually made it over there yet, but I signed a three year contract and just knowing that, makes me feel like I’m losing weight.

Ben Davis: We may have a new building but I see some things are as they’ve always been.

Bernie Boswell: That reminds me. You once said that if you’ve been here for a year to shoot you. That was a year ago.

Ben Davis: No it wasn’t.

Bernie Boswell: Yes it was. Where’d I leave my gun?

Ben Davis: Okay, well, uh, that was for the old store. This is a new store. So I made it out of there.

Bernie Boswell: Uh-huh. Hey, whatever makes you sleep at night.

Ben looks depressed.

Ben Davis: Can I have one of those Pumpkin Spice Rolls?

Bernie Boswell: No.

CUT TO: Adam is up front bagging, when all of a sudden, a group of bird-men fly into the store. Adam races to the bagger’s closet to change identities. As the Masked Bagger, he starts to fight these evil, feathered freaks.

Masked Bagger: Okay, let’s do this!

Two birds fly at him at once. He takes out his cart strap and swings it around a few times before smacking them each in the face with it, killing them. Another bird flies over him and grabs the cart strap with its claws. Two more fly towards him and ram into our precious hero, knocking him to the floor. Suddenly, riding in on his skateboard, comes the Bagger’s new sidekick, Cart-Boy. He rides over to the 717 Guardian.

Cart-Boy: If you keep this up, I’ll be the main hero and *you* can be the sidekick.

Masked Bagger: I didn’t sign up for any sidekick banter!

Cart-Boy: Did you sign up for defeating the bad guys - in this case easy to defeat bird-men?

Masked Bagger: I’ve been battling these guys for almost three years. I’m good.

Cart-Boy: Yeah, whatever.

Cart-Boy takes out his bar and rams a couple birds in the head, killing them. Another flies by and he takes his cart strap and wraps it around the bird’s legs and pulls it down, slamming it against a wall, causing it to perish.

Masked Bagger: You’re good at this, too.

Cart-Boy: I just picture each bird is the Kroger Devil.

One more bird flies by and Masked Bagger punches it in the face, causing its death. The Dynamic Duo - no, wait, that’s taken. The, uh, two guys in costumes, look around and see that all the birds are gone. Cart-Boy starts to walk off, looking furious.

Cart-Boy: See ya.

Masked Bagger: Wait, where are you going?

Cart-Boy: Out.

Masked Bagger: Look, I didn’t ask to be a sort of parent to a teenage boy. You could at least help me out a little.

Cart-Boy: You’re not “sort of” my parent. I live with my aunt.

Masked Bagger: Yeah, I know, but when we’re in here, wearing costumes, I’m like your dad. That sounded weird.

Cart-Boy: I’m going to get the Kroger Devil.

Masked Bagger: How do you expect to do that?

Cart-Boy: Stan once told me he was held hostage at store 666. I just have to find it and attack him.

Masked Bagger: That won’t work. He’s not some mere villain. He’s a freaking devil. He’s got powers and mind manipulation and stuff. There is no way you can barge into that store and defeat him. it’s not gonna happen. Besides, that store changes locations all the time, making it impossible to find.

Cart-Boy: I have to avenge them.

Masked Bagger: We will… eventually. Until then, we continue to fight the super villains in the store and one day, he’ll be back. Of course even then I can’t guarantee we can defeat him, but we’ll do our damnedest.

Cart-Boy: And what’s up with you? Stan always told me what a great superhero you are, but I have yet to see it. You’re sloppy.

Masked Bagger: Ever since Professor Tincher died, I haven’t been the same. I don’t know what it is. I guess it’s because I have so much anger in me that it’s causing me to fight sloppily. I need to focus, but I can’t.

Cart-Boy: Yeah, I get that.

Masked Bagger: We’re both broken since their deaths. You’d think that would bring us closer together and we could work as a team, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

Cart-Boy: Yeah. I hear ya and I don’t want people to be in danger, but I have to admit, when there’s no one to fight, I have really dark thoughts. I need an outlet for these feelings. When is a good super villain going to emerge?

CUT TO: Out back, a deli employee is pouring a bucket of spent cooking oil into the metal storage container. Once they’re finished, they close the top, but it suddenly bursts open. Glup - a monster created from the spent cooking oil - rises. He punches the deli employee, knocking him out. He then makes his way inside the store, leaving a trail of slippery oil behind.

CUT TO: Bernie takes a moment from bagging to enter the bagger’s closet. Gabe Chapman is clocking out for break and peaks inside the closet to notice Bernie stuffing his face full of Pumpkin Spice Oreos.

Gabe Chapman: Watcha doin’ Almighty?

Bernie Boswell: Oh no, not you too.

Gabe Chapman: Not me what?

Bernie Boswell: I’m eating some Oreos.

Gabe Chapman: On the clock?

Bernie Boswell: Sure. I had a craving.

Gabe Chapman: That’s fine. Don’t be so touchy about me asking questions, Almighty One.

Bernie Boswell: You’re right. I’m sorry.

Gabe Chapman: I can’t help but notice you’ve put on some weight.

Bernie Boswell: That’s not a question!

Gabe Chapman: Oh, right. Then I guess you have permission to get touchy over that one.

CUT TO: Glup, notices he’s naked and heads upstairs to the break room for some clothes, which he gets and puts on. He then goes back downstairs. A male employee - who has just finished his break - makes his way to the stairs and slides down them all, thanks to the slippery oil Glup left behind.

CUT TO: Adam is walking around the store when he hears screams. He quickly ducks into the photo lab and changes into the Masked Bagger. He gets on his walkie-talkie and calls for Cart-Boy, who soon arrives. Glup is walking through the store and spots the masked heroes.

Glup: And what have we here?

Masked Bagger: I’m Masked Bagger. This is my sidekick, Cart-Boy. Do you need any help?

Glup: Yeah. Get outta my way, Bagger!

Masked Bagger: I can’t do that. You are a walking safety hazard. Everywhere you step leaves the floor super slippery. Do you want innocent people falling down on their butt?

Glup: Look at my face.

Masked Bagger: Okay So what?

Glup: Does it look like I give a fu…

Masked Bagger: (interrupts) Don’t cuss around the kid!

Cart-Boy: Kid? I’m 16-years-old!

Masked Bagger: Oh that’s great. Reveal your age to the super villain. That was a wise move!

Cart-Boy: Dude, calm down.

Glup: Listen to the boy, Bagger.

Cart-Boy: Boy? I’m practically a man!

Glup: Then how come your name is Cart-BOY?

Masked Bagger begins to laugh.

Masked Bagger: He’s got you there!

Cart-Boy: Bagger, can I see your bag-gun? I think I can get him from here.

Bagger tosses the bag-gun to Cart-Boy, who quickly bags our precious hero with it instead of the baddie.

Cart-Boy: (sarcastically) Oops. My aim was a little off. (to Glup) Now it’s just you and me.

Glup: Leave me be, kid. I’m on a mission.

Cart-Boy: And what mission is that, exactly?

Glup: I’m going to murder the entire deli staff and then I shall return to my home.

Cart-Boy: Home?

Glup: The spent cooking oil dumpster in the back.

Cart-Boy: You see, I can’t let you kill the deli staff though.

Glup: Why not?

Cart-Boy: Because it’s wrong.

Glup: Is that all you got?

Suddenly, Glup extends his arm, punching the teen hero with his disgusting greasy hand. Carts does down and ejects his cart strap around Glup’s neck. He tugs on the strap, but it just goes right through the deli monster and whacks the teen in the face as it returns to him. Glup takes off, again leaving a greasy, slippery trail on the floor.

CUT TO: Bernie is on the back dock, sneaking some more pumpkin spice treats into his body. Ben, Hailie and Chapman enter the room and surround him.

Bernie Boswell: What’s going on, guys?

Hailie Morgan: This be an intervention.

Bernie Boswell: What?

Ben Davis: You heard the lady. This be an intervention.

Bernie Boswell: About what?

Gabe Chapman: Don’t play dumb, Almighty. It’s about your addiction to pumpkin spice flavored desserts.

Bernie Boswell: I wouldn’t call it an addiction.

Ben Davis: Of course you wouldn’t, because *you’re* the addict. But we’re your friends… wait, we’re all his friends, right?

Chappy nods yes, while Hailie isn’t sure.

Ben Davis: Can we agree that we’re all his co-workers?

Hailie Morgan: Yeah.

Ben Davis: We’re all your co-workers, Bernie, and we’re telling you that you have a problem with pumpkin spice flavored whatevers.

Bernie Boswell: I don’t have a problem. I can quit anytime I want to.

Ben Davis: So quit.

Bernie Boswell: I don’t *want* to right now.

Gabe Chapman: I never wanted to say this, O Mighty One, but you’ve gained a lot of weight. I have a feeling that pretty soon, you’re going to be wearing that Homer Simpson muumuu.

Bernie Boswell: Ooh, that’s what I could be for Halloween!

CUT TO: The deli department. The three employees (two women and a man) see Glup and hide in the deli cooler. A newly freed Masked Bagger and the Cart-Boy both run over as fast as they can without slipping and falling.

Masked Bagger: I wonder who Glup really is.

Cart-Boy: What do you mean?

Masked Bagger: Well every super villain is really somebody who was turned evil.

Cart-Boy: How can we find out?

Masked Bagger: I have no idea. I’ll check with the Professor.

Bagger realizes what he just said.

Masked Bagger: Never mind. We’ll, uh, figure it out somehow.

Cart-Boy: How about we ask him?

Masked Bagger: That won’t work.

Cart-Boy: Hey Glup. Who were you before you became the thing you are now?

Glup: Garrison. Marty Garrison.

Cart-Boy: (gloating to Masked Bagger) See!

Masked Bagger: (ignoring Cart-Boy) You’re the new deli employee. You’ve only been here about a week - since we opened the new store.

Glup: You are correct, sir!

Masked Bagger: Why are you attacking your own department?

Glup: I want them all dead!

Cart-Boy: Why?

Glup: They all hated me.

Cart-Boy: Can you really blame them?

Masked Bagger: You can’t kill someone for hating you. If I did that, I’d have executed fourteen people earlier today. But I didn’t.

Glup: Then that’s the difference between you and me, Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Yeah. *That’s* the difference.

Cart-Boy: Bagger, an idea.. Use your bag-gun!

Masked Bagger: Okay, but I doubt it will work. There tends to be a routine where they knock it out of my hand first and either break it, or cause the fight to continue while I go for it on the floor.

Cart-Boy: This happen a lot?

Masked Bagger: I’m not the seasoned superhero I’d like to be just yet.

Cart-Boy: Well become the seasoned superhero. It’s not just you anymore. You’ve got a partner now and you’re considered the leader.

Glup: This is touching. Just give me one second while I murder the deli staff and then I’ll be back to watch the two of you hug.

The 717 Guardian gets on one side of Glup. Cart-Boy gets on the other, both about to attack when Glup spreads his arms out, stretching them with such force that he punches both heroes at once. They go down. Masked Bagger takes his bag-gun and gets up. Just then, Bernie Boswell walks past the deli and our precious hero shoots him with the bag-gun.

Masked Bagger: Oops!

He opens the bag, freeing Bernie.

Bernie Boswell: What the hell, Masked Bagger?

Masked Bagger: I’m sorry. Through my peripheral vision, I thought you were Glup.

Bernie Boswell: Who’s Glup?

Glup comes over.

Glup: I am.

Bernie can’t believe he was mistaken for that… thing!

Bernie Boswell: This was just the wake up call I needed.

Bernie gets up and throws his pumpkin spice snacks in the garbage.

Bernie Boswell: I’m going to the gym - for real this time.

Glup: I take offense to that.

Masked Bagger quickly shoots him with the bag-gun. He’s now contained inside the giant plastic bag. The hero looks over at Cart-Boy, who gives him a thumbs up before standing up.

Masked Bagger: Well one crisis is under control. Now I have another to deal with.

Cart-Boy: What’s the other one about?

Masked Bagger: I have to convince Mr. Bartlett not to kill all of our imprisoned villains.

Cart-Boy: How are you gonna do that?

Masked Bagger: I don’t know. Wait a second. I may have a friend who can help me out. I never considered him a friend before, but that was because of a situation with Adam. Maybe as The Masked Bagger, I can get his help.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger sends Agent Jensen into the manager’s office where Mr. Bartlett is sitting.

Agent Jensen: Mr. Bartlett, I’m Agent Jensen with… the government.

Mr. Bartlett: Oh?

Agent Jensen: I understand you want Masked Bagger to kill these fourteen people: (takes out his pad) Vince Beckett, Dan Lewis, Rob Jenkins, Richard Hyatt, Johnny Magee, Randy Blaine, Dylan Stephens, Bailey Moore, Phil Simms, Mickey Tork, Harry McHale, Debbie Garfield, an alternate Adam Hauck and Tobey Hartman. Is that correct?

Mr. Bartlett: I don’t know. I never learned their names.

Agent Jensen: Sir, as an agent of the government, I have to inform you that killing fourteen people is a serious offense. And to be honest, the fact that I have to inform you of that is a tad ridiculous.

Mr. Bartlett: These are not regular people. They’re super villains!

Agent Jensen: But they were, at one time, regular people. Masked Bagger has convinced me that one day he will be able to reform them. I think he can do it, too.

Mr. Bartlett: So if you find out I killed these fourteen villains…

Agent Jensen: You’ll go to jail, awaiting a murder trial.

Mr. Bartlett: I don’t want to go to jail.

Agent Jensen: Then don’t kill anybody.

Mr. Bartlett: Fine.

Jensen walks out of the office and back to Masked Bagger.

Masked Bagger: That was great, Jensen. Thank you.

Agent Jensen: You’re welcome. Anything for the guardian of 717. Thanks for thinking of me when you had a dilemma.

Masked Bagger: Hey, after what we’ve been through…

Agent Jensen: What have we been through?

Bagger remembers that Jensen only knows him as Adam - a traveler from another earth level.

Masked Bagger: Uh, you were at Adam and Hailie’s wedding last year. They both told me the entire story and so I feel like I know you.

Agent Jensen: Oh, I see. They still married?

Masked Bagger: Nope.

Agent Jensen: Didn’t think so. She’s way too good for him. Well have a good day, Mr. Bagger.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is in the basement lab. He has just incarcerated Glup, and thinks of the late Professor.

Masked Bagger: Well, Professor… I did it. I incarcerated my very first villain without you. It feels wrong, too. You’re supposed to be the one in charge of the basement. I’m still just the student, not ready to become the teacher. But I know that I have to, so I’ll do my best to kick it up a notch and be the hero you always knew I could be.

He looks at the newspaper, which reported the store blowing up and the Tincher’s deaths.

Masked Bagger: I miss you, but I hope you’re finally at peace.

Suddenly, Cart-Boy pages Masked Bagger to the roof.

CUT TO: Cart-Boy is on the roof. Masked Bagger enters.

Masked Bagger: Why’d you call me up here? You’re not gonna whack me, are you?

Cart-Boy: No, but we successfully defeated Glup, but it won’t really feel like we won until we do something special.

Masked Bagger: What are you talking about?

Cart-Boy: Do you remember the ending of “Batman Forever”?

Masked Bagger: Batman and Robin running away from a lit up Bat-Signal?

Cart-Boy: Yes.

Cart-Boy flips a switch and suddenly a big MB signal appears.

Cart-Boy: Let’s run away from it.

Masked Bagger: Seriously? How did you even make this thing?

Cart-Boy: The spotlight was already up here. Your logo is easy to make.

Masked Bagger: So we’re really going to do this?

Cart-Boy: Of course. We need to work as a team. Let’s start acting like it by doing stuff like this.

Masked Bagger: Fine.

Masked Bagger and Cart-Boy stand side-by-side and run away from the signal. They reach the edge of the roof and stop.

Cart-Boy: That was underwhelming.

Masked Bagger: I agree.

Cart-Boy: I know! Let’s do it again in slow motion.

Masked Bagger and Cart-Boy start over, this time running away from the signal in slow motion. Once they get to the edge of the roof again, they stop and stand there. Masked Bagger suddenly shoves Cart-Boy off, who then falls just before the 717 Guardian uses his bag-gun to capture the teen titan. It’s on a setting that turns the bag to be light as a feather, and is still attached to the gun, so Bagger reels it in, back up to the roof. He opens the bag, letting Cart-Boy out.

Masked Bagger: Don’t EVER use my own bag-gun against me again. You understand?

Cart-Boy: (freaked out) Yes, sir!

Bagger looks at you - the reader - and says..

Masked Bagger: And *that’s* how you train a sidekick to respect you.

CUT TO: Bernie Boswell doing a PSA

Bernie Boswell: Hello. I’m Bernie Boswell. If you or someone you know is addicted to pumpkin spice flavored snacks, don’t wait. Seek help immediately. You could be saving them from many things including weight gain, diabetes, or a complete breakdown when the season changes, and these items are taken off the shelves until next year. So please, no matter how delicious it is, pumpkin spice is not worth risking your health and your overall happiness. Thank you.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!