What do you call Santa when he stops moving?
Santa Pause

What do Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? icy dead people

Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?

Because she’s always running away from the ball!

Q: What often falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
A: Snow

Q: How do hurricanes see?
A: With one eye!

Q. Where do snowmen go to dance?
A. The snowball.

What is red, white, and blue over winter break?

A sad candy cane.

.

What did the boy elephant say to the girl elephant on Valentine’s Day?

I love you a ton!

Q: What is a cheerleaders favorite color?
A: Yeller!

A Lady was saying, when she was young, she had a rose tattoo put on her boob. Now after all these years, her rose, looks more like a tree!

I just watched my first porn movie. I was surprised at how young I looked.

Q: What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
A: An eggroll!

Q. What do you get if you cross poison ivy with a
four leaf clover?
A. A rash of good luck!

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor?

Michael Jackson got burnt on Pepsi. Richard Pryor got burnt on coke.

Despite being a multi-millionaire, why did Michael Jackson shop at Wall Mart?

Because he heard boys clothes were half-off.

Why did Bill Cosby cross the road?



He was trying to rape the chicken.

Why did the dummy moron cut his toilet seat in half?



Because he heard his half ass uncle was coming to town.

Why can't cats play poker in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs!

How do you fix a broken tuba?

With a tuba [tube of] glue.

Q: Can February March?
A: No, but April May.

What is fast, loud and crunchy?

A rocket chip!

My sister saw this one online...
Harvey Weinstein has the coronavirus, the virus said it was consensual.

Coronavirus Protection


https://medias.spotern.com/spots/w640/0/919-1534850832.jpg

What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?

Thunderwear!

If you get an email with the subject "Knock, Knock" do not open it. It is Jehovah's Witnesses working from home.

:)

How can you make Easter preparations go faster? Use the eggs-press lane!

just like that....
wearing a mask and latex gloves are now considered "proper attire" in public, leaving criminals rejoicing.

Why did the student eat his homework?

Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake!

.

What do you call a dog magician?
A labracadabrador.

Finland just closed its borders. You know what that means. No one will be crossing the finish line.

How do you make an octopus laugh?

With ten-tickles!

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

What has ears but cannot hear?

A cornfield.

How do we know that the ocean is friendly?

It waves!

What did one plate say to the other plate?

Dinner is on me!

What did the caffeine addict name his cats?

Cream and Sugar

How do pickles enjoy a day out?

They relish it.

What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?

A coconut on vacation

Why does a seagull fly over the sea?

Because if it flew over the bay, it would be a baygull.

Why did the robot go on vacation?

He needed to recharge his batteries.

What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?

Long time, no sea.

Q: How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?

A: He gave her a ring.

Q: What did the little corn say to the mama corn?

A: Where is pop corn?

Sex is like math. Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope you don't multiply.

Why do Scandinavian kids visit candy stores the most?

Because it’s really Sweden there.

Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!

I'm going to write a TV show about a detective living in Hawaii who uses mathematics to solve crimes in a circular fashion

that's right, Magnum Pi.

Did you hear about the Labor Day joke?

It doesn’t work for me.

How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch

What is a clinical trial done in October called?

a trick or treatment.

On which day are ghosts most scary? Fright-day!

What kind of bats fly around the school at night?

AlphaBATS!

What type of lightning likes to play sports?

Ball lightning!

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

What is a squirrel's favorite way to watch TV?

Nut-flix

How does a dog stop a video? By hitting the paws button!

What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!

What do you call birds that stick together? Vel-crows!

What did the frog order at McDonald's?
French flies and Diet Croak.

Angry Cat:

What did Jack Frost say to Frosty the Snowman?
“Have an ice day!”

What’s a monster’s favorite dessert?

I scream!

Did you hear that Clint Eastwood opened a preschool? It's called "Go Ahead and Make My Day Care Center".

Q: What dog always knows the time?
A: A watch dog.

What do you call a gunslinger with glasses? Squint Eastwood.

Why did the turkey cross the road?

It was Thanksgiving Day, and he wanted people to think he was a chicken!

What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping?

A dino-snore!

What do reindeers say before they tell you a joke?

This one’s gonna sleigh you!

Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had his own drumsticks.

What do you call a snowman temper tantrum?
A meltdown

What did the porcupine say to the cactus? Is that you, Dad?

What do you call Santa when he stops moving?

Santa Pause

What's another name for Santa's Little Helpers?

Subordinate clauses.

I think my algebra teacher is secretly a pirate.
He keeps trying to find the X.

Q: Why do bicycles fall over? A: Because they are two-tired!

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A: Frostbite.

What is corn’s favorite holiday? New Ears Eve.

Q: What do snowmen like to do on New Year's Eve?
A: Chill out.

What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?

Snow and Tell.

Pooch Cafe:

What do you call a ghost’s true love?

His ghoul-friend.

.

Can February March?
No, but April May.

Why did the kid throw his clock out the window?
Because he wanted to see time fly!

.

How does a vampire start a letter?

Tomb it may concern...

How do cats get over a fight?

They hiss and make up.

What do you call a duck that gets all A’s?

A wise quacker.

What did the French groundhog see when he woke up?

His château.

What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

What do you call the world's smallest Valentine’s Day card?

A valen-teeny

What kind of tea do football players drink?

Penaltea.

Q: Why did the Great Woolly Mammoth cross the road?
A: Because they didn't have chickens in the Ice Age.

Heard this on radio the other day from woman in FL who lived to 100. Not a joke but kinda.

She was asked:

What is your secret to long life?

She replied: I'm cursed.

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards. That's right. The steaks were pretty high.

Pooch Cafe:

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team?

She always ran away from the ball.

What do cakes and baseball teams have in common?

They both need a good batter.

Getting my kite stuck in a tree is not my favorite thing in the world.

But it's up there.

Garfield:

Garfield:


:happyface

How does a mouse feel after a bath?

Squeaky clean!

Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?

Dill with it.

The Lockhorns

Leroy:

Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He was feeling really crumbie!

What kind of jewelry does the Easter Bunny wear?

14 Carrot Gold

Why did the police play baseball?

He wanted to get a catch!

How can you tell if a leprechaun likes your joke?

He’s Dublin over with laughter!

The guy says to the woman, oh you poor thing, you're pregnant.

The woman says to the man, oh you are ugly and I won't be pregnant forever.

How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?

You rocket!

Cat joke:

Where do eggs go on summer vacation?

New Yolk City!

What happened to the Easter Bunny when he misbehaved at school?

He was eggspelled!

How do you make a bandstand?

Take away their chairs.

Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
A: Bugs Bunny.

What do you call a ghost’s true love?

His ghoul-friend.

How does the Easter Bunny travel?

By hare-plane.

What movie tells the tale of a pizza maker bitten by an arachnid?
Spi-dough Man.

Where does a TV go for vacation?
Where?
Remote islands.

Why did the clock in the cafeteria run slow? It always went back four seconds.

Pooch Cafe:

What material makes the best kites?

Flypaper

What do trumpets and police investigations have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Why is the letter A like a flower?
A bee (B) comes after it!

What did the wolf say when it stubbed its toe?

Owwwww-ch!

The Lockhorns

When do monkeys fall from the sky?

During APE-ril showers

Q: What kind of tea did the American colonists want?

A: Liberty.

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

How do birds become rich?

Invest in the Stork Market

Who was that owl who did all the tricks?

Who-dini

What did one flag say to the other flag?

Nothing. It just waved!

Why does a seagull fly over the sea?

Because if it flew over the bay, it would be a baygull.

Heard this one from my father today:

A Christian man arrives at the gates of Heaven and St. Peter offers him a bicycle to ride upon entry.

The gates then open up for a Rabbi to enter who was arriving in a Rolls-Royce. St. Peter then said to the Christian, "It's one of the boss' relatives."

Why was the fraction nervous about marrying the decimal?
Because he would have to convert.

Where do peanut drivers go to fill their tanks?… The Shell station!

What do you call an ant who fights crime?

A vigilante!

Q: What do you call a farm that grows bad jokes?
A: Corny.

What do you call a duck that gets all A’s?

A wise quacker.

Q: What do you call something that goes up when the rain comes down?
A: An umbrella.

How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience.

How do pickles enjoy a day out?
They relish it.

What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.

Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a "tuba glue."

What does a baby computer call his father? Data!

What’s an owl’s favorite drink?
Hoot beer.

How is an English teacher like a judge? They both give out sentences.

What did the tree say to autumn? Please leaf me alone!

Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades

Why should you stay away from trees?

Because they wanna be leafed alone.

How can you tell the ocean is friendly? It waves.

I heard these two today from an older man at the barbershop:


- A priest had to make a phone call and stopped by a strip club.
He asked, "Got two nipples for a dime?"


- A guy in a wheelchair went to sign up for a phone plan.
The employee recommended Virgin Mobile.

I was washing my car with a friend. He said, "Can't you just use a sponge?"

Garfield:

What’s a skeleton’s favorite instrument? A sax-a-bone.


Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all the coffin.

What do ghosts wear when their eyesight gets blurred? Spooktacles.

Another joke from the barbershop:

Did you hear about the Polish kidnapper?
He sent the kid to his parents with the ransom note.
His Polish parents sent him back with the money.

What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.

There was a kidnapping at school…

Don´t worry, he woke up.

What do you call a peanut in a spacesuit? An astronut!

OOPS!:lol:

What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!

What's a ghost's favorite dessert? I-Scream!

Where do ghosts buy their food? At the ghost-ery store!

Where do ghosts go on holidays? The Boohamas.

What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!

What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!

What did the turtle say to the Taco?

My shell or yours.

A man approaches a very beautiful woman in the supermarket and says, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?” asked the beautiful woman.
To which the man replied, “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

Why are rabbits so lucky?
They have 4 rabbit's feet.

How do you fit more pigs on your farm? Build a sty-scraper!

Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother's Day?

They threw a sowprize party.

How do bees get to school? By school buzz!

"What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?" "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"

What should you wear to Thanksgiving this year? A har-vest!

Q: How did the Pilgrims bring their cows to America?
A: On the Mooooo-flower.

What do you give to a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.

How should people confront their enemy in the cold weather?
They have got to confront each other with an icy stare!

What’s white and can’t climb trees?
A fridge!

What did the shower say to the toilet?


You look a bit flushed.

Why did the farmer jump on his potato plants?
He wanted to grow mashed potatoes!

What does the Gingerbread Man use to make his bed?

Cookie Sheets!

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.


How does Santa take pictures? With his Pole-aroid camera.

How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming? He refers to his calen-deer.

what did the red traffic light say to the green traffic light?


don't look; I'm changing!

What do you need to be able to drive in the Outback?

You need to show koala-fications.

What do you need to be able to drive in the Outback?

You need to show koala-fications.

What is going to be the top spot to get into for New Year's Eve in NYC?

CityMD

What do you call a dog magician?
A labracadabrador.

What do you need to be able to drive in the Outback?

You need to show koala-fications.

I don't get it

What do you call a dog magician?
A labracadabrador.

I don't get it

What is going to be the top spot to get into for New Year's Eve in NYC?

CityMDI don't get it

What do pirates pay for corn?
A buck an ear!

I don't get it

qualifications

What does a caterpillar do on Jan. 1?
Turns over a new leaf

qualifications

still don't get it

still don't get it

qualifications koala-fications, Australia

That's all I got. It's kind of a word play thing I guess.

What does a ghoul say on Dec. 31?
“Happy New Fear!”

How do you stop getting cold feet in winter? You don't go around brr-footed!

What do cows do for entertainment? They go to the MOO vies ! :D

What did the calculator say to the pencil?" "You can count on me."

When should a Mouse Carry an Umbrella?

When It's Raining Cats and Dogs.

Where do Snowmen go to dance?

Snowballs.

What's a golfer's favorite letter? Tee!

Can bees fly in the rain?

Not without their yellow jackets

What does the Lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for Food?

Let us Prey.

When is a well dressed lion like a weed? When he's a dandelion (dandy lion)

What did the rabbit give his girlfriend?

A 14 carrot ring!

Why did the computer go to the doctor? It had a blue tooth.

What day do monkeys like best?

The first of Ape-ril!

Why did the whale cross the road?

To get to the other Tide.

What happened when the pig pen broke?

The pigs had to use a pencil!

How much money does a skunk have?

One Scent...

Have you heard the latest joke about the skunk?

Nevermind, it stinks.

why does Santa have 3 gardens?

So he can HO-HO-HO.

Q: Why was the Easter Bunny so upset when he looked in the mirror?

A: He was having a bad hare day.

How do you make an octopus laugh?

With ten-tickles!

Q: What do octopus knights wear?
A: A coat of arms.

What is a pirate’s favorite vegetable?

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrtichokes!

Which day of the year do monkeys like best?

The first of Ape-ril.

How was the wedding?

It was so beautiful that even the cake had tiers...

What type of food is a duck and mole put together?
Quackamole!

What is the lonliest cheese?

Prov-Alone

Why did the cheese refuse to be cut?

He had grater plans for his life.

What do you call an 80 yr old cheerleader?

Old Yeller..

What kind of Music do cows like to dance to?

Any kind of of moosic.

What do you get when you pamper a cow?

Spoiled milk

Do little seizures clothes at ate on son daze?

Do little seizures clothes at ate on son daze?Huh? I don't get it:confused:

Huh? I don't get it:confused:Here is a hint: pizza, pizza.

What is the longest word in the dictionary?

’Smiles’, because there’s a mile between each ’s’.

What kind of car does Yoda drive?

A Toyoda

Why do bees have sticky hair?

They use a honey comb

Why did the honey bee queen's dessert wobble when she tried to eat it?

Because it was royal jelly

Heard a silly joke recently but I got a chuckle out of it.

Question: How do trees access the internet?

Answer: They log on. :rolleyes: :lol:

Why did the Mom decide to play soccer in her spare time?

Just for Kicks.

Q: Why is a computer so smart?

A: It listens to its motherboard.

The population of Ireland's capital city is really growing. In fact it's Dublin.

Where do sheep go on vacation?

The Baahamas

What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday?

Hoppy Birthday.

Why are pigs the worst to share ice-cream with?

They're always hoggin' daaz ice-cream!

What did the janitor say when they jumped out of the closet? Supplies

How warm is a janitor's closet?

Broom Temperature

How is a baseball team similar to a pancake?

A: They both need a good batter!

Why did the pancake get arrested?

He was a crêpe-tomaniac!

How does a scientist freshen her breath?
With experi-mints.

What is a baby camel's favorite nursery rhyme?

Hump-ty Dumpty!

How you mend a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch!

What's gray, stands in a river when it rains and doesn't get wet?
An elephant with an umbrella!

Why does a seagull fly over the sea?

Because if it flew over the bay, it would be a baygull.