How do you hold a bagel back?

You put lox on it.

Why do fish swim in salt water ?

Because pepper makes them sneeze ! :D

What did prehistoric animals get instead of blisters?

Dino sores!

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off of the cliff?
because he wanted TEQUILA!

What do pirates pay for corn?
A buck an ear!

What's a monkey's favorite kind of chocolate?

Chocolate chimp

How does a cucumber become a pickle?

It goes through a jarring experience.

Lauren was lying in bed one night when she felt her husband's hand caressing her neck.
Then it slid down her side, stopping at her knee, which is as far as her husband could reach. Then he moved closer and did the same thing on her other side the other side before abruptly stopping and moving away.
Delighted by this unexpected attention, Laura whispered, "Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
He answered, "I found the remote".😂

^ LOL

A Man was watching TV one day, when all of a sudden he began screaming in terror.
"Don't go in the Church!" He cried

"it's a trap!"

"Mom, is Dad watching a horror movie?" His son asked

"No dear, He's watching our wedding video." The mom replied

Why was the student’s report card wet?

It was below ‘C’ level!

Why did the kangaroo stop drinking his cup of coffee?
It made him too jumpy.

Why are frogs happy?

Because they eat whatever bugs them!

Dear John Letter...

Pay back can be funhttp://web.archive.org/web/20220715123502/https://pics3.city-data.com/forum/images/smilies/tongue.gif


A Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry.

Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love,
Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky

What do you call a dog magician?
A labracadabrador.

Humans are like tea bags.

They never realize their strength until they are put in hot water.

What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.

What candies do you find at school?

Smarties, Nerds, and Dum-Dums!

What did one volcano say to the other?
I lava you.

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra was beautiful, but that's how Julius Caesar.

Not really a joke, but funny moment...

My mom was doing a crossword puzzle and asked for help with a "type of dessert served chilled". My dad answered "monkey brains" and I laughed for a good while.

What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It's roar birthday.

knock-knock

who's there?

tree

tree who?

tree weeks until Christmas!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Figs.
Figs who?
Figs the doorbell, it’s not working!

What do you call an artificial tree?

Faux fir.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it’s cold out here!

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two-tired.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
Nah, I’m more into almonds.

How do you make a tissue dance?
Put some boogie in it!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alien.
Alien who?
Um, how many aliens do you know?

Why did the snowman go into the frozen food aisle?


he wanted to pick his nose

What do snowmen eat for lunch?

Icebergers

Q: Knock, knock----Who's there?----Nobel----Nobel who?
A: No bell, that's why I knocked!

What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?
R2 detour.

Q: What's an ig?
A: A snow house without a loo!

:confused:[QUOTE=ThisLittlePiggy;6123681]Q: What's an ig?
A: A snow house without a loo![/QU

:confused:[QUOTE=ThisLittlePiggy;6123681]Q: What's an ig?
A: A snow house without a loo![/QU

I don't get it? And what's a loo?:confused:

[QUOTE=treky;6123706]:confused:

I don't get it? And what's a loo?:confused:

Igloo

A loo is what they call a bathroom in England.

What's Fred Flintstone's favorite soft drink?

Mountain Yaba-daba-do

I saw this in a supermarket I stopped by at today:

I saw this in a supermarket I stopped by at today:

:lol:

285707

Get it?:confused:

Two nuns were riding a bicycle with one of them sitting between the wide handlebars in front.

The nun sitting in front goes, “I don’t think I came this way before.”

The nun peddling goes, “It must be the cobblestones.”

Two nuns were riding a bicycle with one of them sitting between the wide handlebars in front.

The nun sitting in front goes, “I don’t think I came this way before.”

The nun peddling goes, “It must be the cobblestones.”

I don'i get it

Barbershop humor I heard this morning:

What’s better than having flowers on your piano?
Two girls on your organ.

Why are pigs the worst to share ice-cream with?

They’re always hoggin’ daaz ice-cream!

what do you call a sheep that's covered in chocolate?

a chocolate B-AAAA

What’s the difference between popcorn and pea soup?

You are able to pop corn but can’t really pee soup.

Talking with some neighbors last night and we were all rolling:

"You know why they said marriage was for a lifetime? That was from centuries ago back when the life expectancy was like 25!"

"I made a vow with my wife when I got married to never go to bed angry. That's why I haven't been to sleep in 30 years!"

What did the hungry computer eat?

Chips, one byte at a time.

Another joke from my local barbershop.

Guy in seat next to me said he got a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis so he can see his money grow.

I don't appreciate x rated jokes on a PG site. :mad: Post #302 from JamesG is totally inappropriate and should be removed. :rolleyes:

I don't appreciate x rated jokes on a PG site. :mad: Post #302 from JamesG is totally inappropriate and should be removed. :rolleyes:

:p:thumbsdown:

:p:thumbsdown:Shame on you. The very first posting rule for this site which you are disgustingly mocking: "1. We are a PG site - please do not post any disgusting, vulgar, or offensive topics or pictures. Members are expected to self-moderate themselves within these guidelines."
Moderators even more so should be considerate of this and not just rudely reply when they don't care about following the rules keeping this a PG site. SO is not one of your adult triple XXX sites you have mentioned, you shouldn't be treating this family friendly site like one of them. A regular member who insists on vulgar and inappropriate posts I can put on my ignore list, can't do that with you since you are a moderator.

^ If you have a problem then you can address it with TJ.
What adult sites are you referring to?

^ If you have a problem then you can address it with TJ.
What adult sites are you referring to?You have mentioned going to explicit sites a few times, I hardly want to know what the site names are. I shouldn't have to go to TJ on this, but if you can't see it was a highly vulgar joke you made that is not at all appropriate for a PG site (or worse don't care in your flippant attitude towards many) and how that directly goes against site rules there is a problem. None of the other moderators here act like that. :rolleyes:

^ As I said, address the issue with TJ rather than making a scene over something you find to be objectionable.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

(I heard that one at James’s barbershop)

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

(I heard that one at James’s barbershop)

:lol:

Barbershops and bars are the best places to go for current event discussions and neighborhood talk. One probably would be better off going to one of them over a fortune teller for a reading on oneself.

I found this and thought it should be seen by our own Govt if no one else!!

http://web.archive.org/web/20230730063233/https://www.sitcomsonline.com/boards/attachment.php?attachmentid=293101&stc=1&d=1690672109

Ah man!!

LOL^

OOPS!:lol:

I don't appreciate x rated jokes on a PG site. :mad: Post #302 from JamesG is totally inappropriate and should be removed. :rolleyes:Ah man!!

:lol:

:lol:

:lol:

Bread puns never get stale.

:lol:

Bread puns never get stale.

I know! We Knead them!:lol::wave:

As a violinist, I never play with no strings attached. :violin:

I know! We Knead them!:lol::wave:


There’s no such thing as a crumby bread pun. :D

The chicken you're eating had a family!
That's why I ordered the family bucket, no one gets left behind.

Q. What kind of tree does a math teacher climb?
A. Geometry

Just for"ewe" Miss Little Piggy!:wave:

The chicken you're eating had a family!
That's why I ordered the family bucket, no one gets left behind.
I don't get it.

Just for"ewe" Miss Little Piggy!:wave:


:lol::crazy::wave:

Why does the Monkey NOT like to play cards in the Jungle....

Too Many Cheetas!!!

What do you call a jungle where animals talk about current events?

A topical rainforest

:lol:

Why did the Chicken Cross the Road

To Escape from Colonel Sanders.

Muffins are cupcakes without their makeup on.

What is muffins spelled backwards?

Exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven.

What do you say about a Barker who just died? Woof Woof Bob

:lol:

^LOL

What do you call a bunch of rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line

:lol:

:lol:

Dorothy overheard everyone saying how she can't sing "Carry on my Wayward Son" in tune and she's becoming a liability...

Looks like she's not in Kansas anymore.

Not really a joke, but a funny shirt I saw a guy wearing the other day:

"I don't need sex because the gov't screws me everyday!"

Presidental Chatroom

http://web.archive.org/web/20120407021955/http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/6/collegehumor.21b39e9aaccacc883b673716b0147b16.jpg

Ah man!!

Thinking

It started out innocently enough.
I began to think at parties now and then - to loosen up. Inevitably,though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone-- "to relax," I told myself-- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused,asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my husband about the meaning of life. He spent that night at his mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," he said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," he said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and he began to cry.
I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.
As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's."
Then we share experiences about how we had avoided thinking since the last meeting I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.
Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
Soon, I will be able to vote Republican.

:D

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta!

An avocado’s favorite music genre is guac ‘n’ roll.

What does Santa Claus get while coming down the chimney?

Claus-trophobia

A piece of pumpkin pie costs $2.00 in Jamaica and $2.45 in Barbados.

These are the pie rates of the Carribean.

I can’t believe people are letting fireworks off in October.

It’s scared the dog so badly he’s knocked the Christmas tree over.

:spooky:

:woohoo:

What would be the national holiday for a nation of vampires? Fangs-giving!

:lol:

Don't yolk around. :lol:

I think I'm going to take an eggs-ercise class tomorrow.

.

^LOL

:lol:

:)

Why wouldn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with him.

What did the ghost say when he realized he'd been cheated? I've been bam-BOO-zled!

.

:lol:

What do witches put on to go trick or treating? Mas-scare-a.

.

What's the problem eating too much pumpkin pie this time of year?

You'll get autumn'y ache.

Hollywood Squares It's 1977, I'm 9 years old. My mom and dad are roaring with laughter and I don't understand what's so funny.:lol:

Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A.George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Q: What do you call a stolen sweet potato?
A: A hot potato.

What is a Christmas tree’s favorite candy? Orna-mints.

What side dish do you bring for Thanksgiving dinner when you accidentally sat on the sweet potatoes?

Squash casserole

:lol:

What states do most ducks live in?

North and South Duck-ota.

What do you get when you add Swiss Cheese to Guacamole?


Holey Moly!

Q: Why can’t you get angry at a yam?

A: Because they’re such sweet potatoes.

:lol::lol::lol:

A guy at a table I was waiting on today asked for extra mashed potatoes..

I told him they were as mashed as they could get!

:lol:

^ LOL


I dropped a huge bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday....
It caused severe pain To-ma-toes.

.

George Carlin on Johnny Carson

Funny

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m770Bu8nBlo

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes.

:)

:lol:

Q: What’s the fastest way to get eggnog to the party?
A: Use the eggs-press lane.

Never pick a fight with a dinosaur because you'll get jurasskicked.

http://hg1.funnyjunk.com/pictures/Sir+spartacus+starbucks_a36876_5176339.jpg

:christmastree2:

Q: Why do so many people drink eggnog over the holidays?
A: It’s everywhere – so you just can’t egg-nore it.

Excellent!!

:rednose:

He didnt do 2 bad!!

:rolleyes::lol:

How much did Santa's sleigh cost? It was on the house.


What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.

IT’S A SHAME NOTHING IS BUILT IN THE USA ANY MORE. I JUST BOUGHT A TV & IT SAID "BUILT IN ANTENNA".
I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE THAT IS!:crazy::lol:

LOL OMG That is funny!

Q: What did the Christmas tree do after its bank closed?
A: It started its own branch.

:eek::lol:

Why did the Farmer Form a Punk Band? He was tired of Hall and Oats...

:lol:

What do you call wet cats? soggy moggies

Christmas is over. Santa is enjoying his year-end feast of caribou meat.

Why do you need a jeweler on New Year's Eve?

To ring in the new year.

.

Did you hear about the farmer who left her sheep out in the blizzard?

She had to take them to the Icy Ewe ward.

:)

:lol::lol:

My wife is threatening to divorce me due to my obsession of pretending to be a TV news anchor.

More on this matter after the break.

Did you know that a whitetail deer can jump higher than the average house? It’s because of their strong hind legs and the fact that the average house can’t jump.

Why is cold milk always so relaxed? Because it chills in the fridge.

:lol::lol::lol:

LOL^

What do you call a scam artist who is walking down the stairs?

Condescending

What do snowmen eat for lunch?

Icebergers.

The word incorrectly is spelled incorrectly in every dictionary.

Why did Shakespeare write in ink?
Pencils confused him—2B or not 2B?

:lol:

Did you hear about the guy who got his entire left side cut off? He’s all right now.

I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something.

Here’s one for catsrule

302081

Since so many make a Joke of Grape Seed Extract, here's one for this area:

What Did The Grape Say To The Seed, Please Give Me Your Extract..

Funny huh????

How do you make a strawberry shake? Put it in the freezer until it’s shivering!

Why do Jewish women like circumcised men?
They come 10% off.

Johnny Carson 1987 Video,,,, what a hoot, gave me a belly laugh.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ztUsnqROE4g&t=2s

What begins a cat song about New York? Start spreading the mews.

Q: What did the leprechaun referee say when the soccer match ended?
A: Game clover.

Q: Why couldn’t the Chimpanzee fix his bicycle?
A: He only had a monkey wrench.

.

^LOL

What Christmas carol do camels sing ? O’ Camel ye faithful.

What did the camel say to the oasis? I will never desert you.

:lol:

Why do leprechauns hate running?

They’d rather jig than jog.

Did you hear about the green salad that mysteriously disappeared?

All I uncovered were the chard romaines.

I was waiting on line at a hot dog stand at a St. Patrick's Day parade and an officer was in front of me. He stood aside and I saw him going through a wad of $100 bills in his wallet. I said to him, "Officer, are you counting your bribes from today?"

At first he looked as if he didn't know if he wanted to laugh or be offended, but I started laughing and then he burst out laughing.

I was waiting on line at a hot dog stand at a St. Patrick's Day parade and an officer was in front of me. He stood aside and I saw him going through a wad of $100 bills in his wallet. I said to him, "Officer, are you counting your bribes from today?"

At first he looked as if he didn't know if he wanted to laugh or be offended, but I started laughing and then he burst out laughing.

It's always nice when the person clubbing your head is laughing and having a good time.

Dad can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?

No sun

I was told i could look at an eclipse with a colander.

I tried it and it just strained my eyes.

Eclipse is an acronym

* Eyes
* Cannot
* Look
* Into
* Partial
* Solar
* Eclipse

Hamburger helper only works if the hamburger is willing to admit it needs help.

I was gonna tell a joke about time traveling;

But you guys didn't like it.

I wanna tell you a joke about a girl who only eats plants.

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

What kind of shoes do frogs wear to Easter dinner?

Open-toad.

What's the best thing to drink on Easter?

Spring water.

How does the Easter Bunny travel all over the world?

Via hareplane.

Wanna hear an April Fools' Day joke about paper?

Never mind—it's tearable.

How did the skeleton know that April showers were coming?

He could feel it in his bones.

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

Can you smell carrot?

Why aren’t teachers letting their students out to see the solar eclipse today?

They don’t want to hurt their pupils.

Did you hear about the seller who made a couple of bucks selling fake eclipse glasses?

He’s not too worried though, he says, “Those suckers will never see me again.”

Teacher to parents: In all my years of teaching, your child is my favorite student to have absent.

My wife asked me one day what was on TV.

I said, "Dust."

And that's how the fight started.

peacesign::lol:

:)


Why does the proctologist keep buying new TV remotes?

Digging through the couch just feels like work.

A Scots friend of mine said that one should never run with bagpipes. You could put an "aye" out. Even worse, you could get kilt.

I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella.

But he hesitated.

Not really a joke, but a funny conversation my friend and I had. It was like an Abbott and Costello skit.

We were outside listening to music on speaker and Yes' Owner of a Lonely Heart came on:


Friend: Is this Sting?

Me: No, Yes.

Friend: What do you mean "no yes"?

Me: It's Yes.

Friend: Is it Sting or not?

Me: No.

Friend: Who is it?

Me: Yes.

Friend: I'm going to knock you out...

Me: The band who plays this is called Yes.

Friend: Ah..

OMG, LOL! ^

What’s a cookie’s favorite rock band?

OREO Speedwagon

:lol:

^LOL!

Why was the boat blushing?
Because it saw the ship’s bottom!

A funny meme I found on Facebook: My car is making a terrible noise.
Try taking out the Taylor Swift CD.

:lol:

:)

A Hungarian termite discovered the Noble Eightfold Path.

They now call him the Buddhapest.

What would two termites order at a restaurant?

Table for 2

What’s a termite do when it gets bored?

Oh, you know, anything to break up the mahogany.

:lol:

^LOL


What did the mama Llama say to the baby llama as they prepared for a picnic?

Alpaca lunch

A couple were having a picnic in a jungle

Suddenly a crocodile appears and attacks the husband. He cries "Shoot it, quick". "I can't!" says his wife. "I've run out of film!"

What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato!

:lol:

^ LOL

What did one cotton candy say to another during an argument?

“Let’s not sugarcoat things!”

What did one cotton candy say to another during an argument?

“Let’s not sugarcoat things!”

What kind of Coffee was Served on the Titanic?

SANKA

.

:ufo::eek::lol:

What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?

Nothing, he was gladiator.

.

Raccoon: Hey I just met you and this is crazy, but I just bit you and I have rabies.

What do Vegans have to say to this?!:lol::lol::lol:













/

WORRYING WORKS!


Case in point: .

90% of the things I worry about never happen!

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

If they flew over the bay,

they would be bagels.

So to finally get the real answer to the question, which came first,

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know which comes first.

My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are.
But .....
I actually laugh more.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
So,
I had to put my foot down.

:dog::lol:

.

Swedish astronomer Anders Celsius died in 1744 at age 42. Though his rival Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit was convinced Celsius died at 107.

A couple of Scott Metzger's cartoons.

There is a movement out there to clean up our rivers and streams. Let's band together and give credence to this clearwater revival.

When the smog lifts in California, UCLA.

AW....................:lol::heart:

^LOL

What do you call two idiots who get stuck in the snow?

Numb and Number

Nog Nog
Who's there?

Egg
Egg who?

Eggnog of course :lol:

Where do you find information about eggnog?

In the hen-cyclopedia!

Did you know Japan has its own line of Eggnog?

They export it from Nog-asaki.

:lol:

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy!

What are you eating, Jerry? Rice

:)

Who is Frosty's favorite aunt? Aunt Arctica.

Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven ate nine.

:eek::lol: