Steve: I’m sick of always wearing a suit to work. Starting tomorrow I’m gonna show up on a Nehru jacket and hippie beads!

Barbara: Steve, I'm sick of your supposed perfection and knowing the answers to everything. I'm leaving you! While I'm at it, you're out of town too much.

Robbie: Ya know, I’m gonna let my hair grow as long as Katie’s and we’re both moving to Haight-Ashbury.

Katie: I only have three babies. Rob, we need to have three more right away. I need more to do!

Steve: I’m tired of using the same old pipe tobacco; I’m going to try some wacky weed instead!

Katie: We should have named the triplets Stanley, Barry, and Don.

Mrs. Terry to Sally and Chip: you are such outstanding students I’m going to give each of you a big fat A+!

Katie: I'm taking the triplets this afternoon for Mohawk haircuts.

Steve: Chip, when you go over to see Polly, slug Mr. Williams for me, wii you? Then, go ahead and elope.

Uncle Charlie: I just tried some of that wacky weed you young kids are talking about, I feel so mellow I’ll never be a bellowing grouch again!

Mrs. Terry to Sally and Chip: you are such outstanding students I’m going to give each of you a big fat A+!

Mrs. Terry to Barbara: I really enjoyed your rant. Maybe next time pound my desk a littler harder.

UNCLE CHARLIE: "Chip, Ernie get your drones out of my kitchen !"

Dodie: Victoria says i should move to Milwaukee with her. Also she's being adopted and her new name is Joanie.

Margaret Williams: Tom, you're such an even-tempered, sensible man. You'll come to realize Polly and Chip belong together.

Ernie (Season Eleven): Robbie, Chip. You realize that if the opening credits showed a cartoon of our bare feet instead of our shoes, no one would know which of us is the eldest, middle or youngest son!

Barbara: Steve, most of the time you don't make no sense.

Steve: Ah Jeez.

Barbara dropping an F bomb

(LOL--trying to feature that in my mind!)

Or, Barbara using bad grammar, or letting it slip by when Dodie does.

Steve using profanity

Steve: Well, Chip, I really don't know what to tell you. Solve this one on your own.

Dodie: Mommy, Uncle Charley bounced me on his knee playing horsey and when i got afterwards the bottom of my skirt was sticky.

Dodie: What kind of name is Chip? (as she rolls her eyes)

Steve to Charlie: Go blow it out your ear, you old coot!

Charley: Oh, you already have a date, Sally? No problem. When's the next time you're free?

Charley: Dinner is ready. Take your time getting down here.

Charley: "Make your own meals, you lazy slobs," as he throws down his apron.

Charley, to one of his many shipmates who stop by: Bug off, bozo!

Polly: Chip, my father would be delighted to see you!
Barbara: Steve, could you hand me a hunk of milk?

Dodie (Season Twelve): Mommy, why is Robbie still in the credits, and I'm not?

Polly (Season Twelve): Chip, why is Robbie still in the credits, and I'm not?

Barbara/Chip (in unison): Because this is a chopped up mess of a rerun. You needed to watch the original network presentation.

Ernie: Forget making a holiday dinner, Katie. Me and Chip are going to make us all a 10-course meal all by ourselves!

Ernie: Mom and Dad are discussing something very serious. I am not going to be nosy or eavesdrop.

Charley: I changed my mind. Little Steve is my favorite triplet.

Barbara to Uncle Charlie: shut the #### up you miserable old coot.

Katie: Roooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooobbie!! I hate you!

Steve having a loud hissy fit!

Steve: Fo’shizzle!

Barbara: Ain't no way.

Steve: What is that smell, Dodie?

Dodie: It's perfume, Daddy.

Ernie: It's bongwater, Daddy.

Barbara: Go blow it out your ear Steve!

Katie: I've just bought four one-way tickets to Peru and the triplets &I are going to surprise Robbie!

Katie: I wanna go on the pill!

Steve: Since you said it's Barbara or you, then bye-bye, Uncle Charley!

Polly’s fathervto Chip: You’re a fine young man!

Barbara: [looking at newborn Dodie] "that's a girl?!"

Robbie: Bub, Sally, Mike, Chip and Ernie- you guys are such COOL beatniks that I'm going to STAY one forever! Dad looked like he's ready to join us!

Barbara: Put a sock in it Steve!

Steve: Barbara, I'm sick of hearing you correct Dodie's grammar all the time.

Barbara: Yes, Dodie, when Fergus called you "lassie," he meant you're a DOG!

Barbara: Yes, Dodie, when Fergus called you "lassie," he meant you're a DOG!

Dodie: Oh, Mom. You know "half bitten, twice shy"? Boy are you going to be shy when I'm done.

Chip to Polly: Your dad is the easiest-going guy I’ve ever met!

Mrs. Terry: I’d never suspect any of my students of cheating!

(In any of the color seasons)

Steve: I have a son named Mike.

Barbara to Uncle Charlie: Why don’t you go stuff it, you crotchety old buzzard?

(In any of the color seasons)

Steve: I have a son named Mike.

(in any of the color seasons)

Steve: The boys' grandfather used to live with us, and the boys nicknamed him Bub

Steve to Robbie: Hey Robbie, you got any wacky weed for my pipe?

Barbara: Dodie, put on a longer dress. We're all sick of looking at your little butt.

Barbara to Steve: Send everyone on a camping trip so we can have steamy you-know-what on our twin beds.

Steve, in season 12 - I seem to remember having another son, once....oh, well....

Katie: I wanna go on the pill!

Katie: Oh, shucks, only 3 babies? I was going for 6!

Barbara: Steve, I can hardly wait for your kids to call me “dragon lady”

Katie: (Cluing Barbara in on the wives at Rob's and Steve's plant, since she's planning to have them and their husbands to dinner)

Barbara: How do you know all these dames? Rob just started there a few months ago.

Chip to Polly’s dad: Oh go stick it where the sun don’t shine!

Steve: Robbie, Chip, Ernie, Dodie - I want you to line up in the order you think you are my favorite to least favorite. Then, I'll tell you if you are correct or not.

Steve: Robbie, Chip, Ernie, Dodie - I want you to line up in the order you think you are my favorite to least favorite. Then, I'll tell you if you are correct or not.

Mike to Steve: I’m never going to get married and leave the house. You’re stuck with me permanently dad.

Mike to Steve: I’m never going to get married and leave the house. You’re stuck with me permanently dad.

Steve to Mike: That's good to know, son. Because if you do, I'll never mention or even think of you again. I'm sure Robbie, Chip and even the neighbor boy Ernie will do the same.

Steve to Bub: Oh shut up you old curmudgeon!

Barbara: Stick it, Steve. Get rid of that stupid Fergus or I'm joining Robbie in Peru!

Katie: Robbie can we have 3 more kids please, so we can tie the Brady’s?

Barbara: Dodie, put on a longer dress. We're all sick of looking at your little butt.

OOC: in the wedding episode, Dawn's freaking knickers are poking out, the dress is so short.

Uncle Charlie to all: Go cook your own supper; my needlepoint class is about to start.

Steve comment, shortly after arriving in Calif.: It'll be nice to have Katie here. There's been too much testosterone around this house for a lot of years.

Robbie, Mike & Chip: That battle-axe housekeeper (Reta Shaw) sure is a hottie!

Dodie: [speaking in the 1980s]: "God, I hate the band Toto!"

(Dodie's real name is Dorothy (Harper) Douglas)

Katie: I wanna go on the pill!

Dodie: So do I!

Dodie: Whining is my thing.

Rob, to Katie: "I want you to go back to the restaurant and work as a Cigarette Girl again, you made a helluva lot more doing that than I'm making flipping burgers!"

Dodie in the never made season 13 or season 14: "You know how Jesse James is Bobby's idol on that Brady Bunch show? Mine is Carrie Nation (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carrie_Nation)"

Bub: Robbie, you look just like Rock Hudson!

Bub: Robbie, you look just like Rock Hudson!

Chip: Grampa Bub, do you mean Robbie is clunky like Doreen Peters?

Ernie: I know you're just teaching me to dance, Yo Ho, but could we separate a little?

Ernie: I know you're just teaching me to dance, Yo Ho, but could we separate a little?

I ship Chip/Doreen Peters. I hope they reconnect as elderly people on the in-universe internet.

I wonder if the director had her eye him like that, or if that was her idea. Anyway, she looks a lot happier than he does.

Anyway, back on topic:

Chip (above): Quit starin' at me, ya clunky girl!

Doreen Peters: Maybe when I have chi-chis someday you'll realize that we are meant to be!

Chip: I'm already beginnin' to think so.

Steve, i think that if they'd made a My Three Sons movie in the 1990s after the success of the Brady Bunch films, Alex Owens-Sarno (little Cora Cartmell in 1997's Titanic) would have been my choice for Doreen Peters.

Miss Owens-Sarno posted her childhood professional headshots on Instagram. On the other hand, a Doreen as pretty as Alex looks in these shots might not be as annoying to Chip simply because snagging a little girl that very pretty would get him much cred in the school yard...


https://hosting.photobucket.com/images/r255/molly-dolly/11017657_807264339349242_2086082602_n.jpg

^Right! Man, wow, Doreen!

Ernie in Season 12: You know Katie, it's been quite a while since Rob's been around to 'service' you, and I'm 'loaded' now you might say. So what say we go upstairs and do the wild thing together...?

Chip: Uncle Charley, why don't you go take a long walk on a short pier?

Dodie in Season Fifteen: There are *far* more interesting things than Myrtle now, Mom! Boys, boys, boys!

Charley, season 8, to the food market cashier: I'm new to these parts. Where does a fella go around here if he wants to get laid?

Charley, season 8, to the food market cashier: I'm new to these parts. Where does a fella go around here if he wants to get laid?

Cashier: You want to get lei'd, Little Orphan Annie? Go to Hawaii!

Aunt Cecile, to Chip: Next time we comb our hair before we come charging down the stairs, Richard.
Chip: You're turning me on! I have a thing for older women...

Next, Chip'll be chatting up Jeanne Calment.

Chip: Ugh, what about Uncle Charley, Dad? We should have "accidentally" given him an overdose of gas.

Steve (gnaws on his pipe): Hmm--interesting idea. Let me give it some thought, Chipper.

Dodie: Myrtle, this is getting too weird for me. (Pauses) Ernie, I'm gonna have Uncle Charley fix me a weiner. Suddenly I'm hungry.

She tries to adjust her too-short dress and leaves, her underwear-clad butt sticking out as usual.

Barbara: Ernest Douglas! How dare you say those things to an impressionable young girl. Come to bed with me. I've been sizing you up, and with Steve out of town again, we'll have a night of unbridled passion...!

Sorry, I spent *way* too much time as a kid absorbing Kenny Everett and his comedy.

Ernie, to Gordon: Since my hot sister-in-law Katie moved back in, I think I'm gonna have a permanent stiffo...!

Gordon, to Ernie: I would too. And your mom is hotter than most women half her age...!

Barbara: I overheard you boys. Ernie go take a cold shower. Gordon, you're about to find out the meaning of "afternoon delight" in my bedroom...!

Barbara: And, Ernie, there are warnings about those things lasting more than a certain number of hours.

Better bring an ice tray in the shower with you, Ernie.

Uncle Charley watching TV in the mid-1980s(*): "Steve, don'tya think "Phylicia Rashad" sounds like the type of thing you need ointment for?"

Charley, watching a new series called Charlie's Angels: "You know Steve, when Ernie mentioned a great jiggle show, I thought he meant Julia Child and her Jell-O molds...!"

Charley: Steve, you're tellin' me Barbara had to beg you to kiss her? Are you sure you're the father of three boys?

Katie: I'm not sure *Robbie*'s the father of my three boys!

Mike: I couldn't care less about joining your fraternity. The only reason I'm going to college is to score with dozens of nubile chicks!

Barbara: Steve, why don't we trade the station wagon in for a chopper motorcycle! We'll both look great wearing black leather...

Steve: [about Bub and Mike and Sally] They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

Whether Dodie has a middle name!

Wikipedia seems to think it is Anne but i don't think that was in the actual show.

a "Freaky Friday" version of a real episode: where Chip and Dorine Peters are magically swapped bodies just before the dance - and they can only swap back if Dorine's old physical body *genuinely* reacts during and after the dance with love and romance physical and emotional reactions to Chip's old physical body. (Sorry, i was reading a "Twilight Zone" short story)

Steve: Mike, I just got off the phone with the mother of one of the girls in the sorority. The girl is with child, and they believe that you're the father...!

a parody where Ernie and Dodie are flirty stepsiblings ala the second Brady Bunch movie with Greg and Marcia.

"My, Barbara, what a beautifully decorated home you have!"

Barbara, don't forget to take your birth control pills!

Barbara, don't forget to take your birth control pills!

Especially six years before you meet Steve Douglas :)

Dodie: Mama, can I change my name to Dopey? I love the seven dwarfs!

284569

Dodie: Mama, can I change my name to Dopey? I love the seven dwarfs!

284569

Barbara: *holds head in hands* why did i stop her getting into the medicine cabinet before we met Steve?

Things that would never happen meta-edition ;)

"So, what couples do you ship with your M3S fanfic?"

"Chodie!"

"Dernie!"

"Charnie!"

"Stip!"

"Bodie!"

Wonder if the triplets and Dodie (the characters) ever did a Greg and Marcia thing? They are not blood related (as A Very Brady Sequel points out about Greg and Marcia). Hee Hee Hee

Steve: I have four sons.

Steve: "and one cockroach"

Charlie: "Hey!"

Steve: Kids, let's all watch an R-rated movie tonight!

Steve: Hey, everybody, let's all hang out in the hot tub

Steve: Barbara, did you know that I chose this headboard and picked up some handcuffs for your dominatrix roleplaying?

Barbara: Oh, Stevie, I love it when you talk dirty to me. Just make sure nobody else is around.

Ernie: Dodie? As my friend Greg Brady told me that he said to Marcia, we're not _really_ brother and sister...

Ernie: I know I shouldn't have gone out my window, mom. But when a guy is "loaded," he gets desperate for stimulation...!

Tramp: My name is sort of odd but I guess it's better than Gypsy or Thief.

Tramp: I was named after Steve's mother.

Tramp: I was named after Steve's mother.

:lol:

Chip: I'm going to murder Myrtle.

Barbara: Steve, honey, I know you don't like my old high school boyfriend, so do you mind if I go over and visit him alone?

Steve: Barbara, why are you behaving like a dog?

[thought better]

Cecile, Katie's aunt (on the phone with Chip's girlfriend):
"I'm sorry miss, Richard is not available. Once he finishes his homework, we're set to engage in a vigorous activity he refers to as "shagging." "

Would that be with or with-out his talking Great Dane?

Cecile: Oh, Steven, I am sorry you fell on your ass, not knowing I rearranged the furniture. You will find this much more efficient, once you recover from your sore rear end.

Chip: Dad and Barbara, get a room you two. You're disgusting.

Charlie: [to chip about S & B] "Son, they'd better hope *everyone* doesn't find out about this in about nine months".

Ernie to Katie: So, Katie, why did you pick out three babies from the cabbage patch? Or did the stork just make a mistake and gave you guys three?

Ernie to Katie: So, Katie, why did you pick out three babies from the cabbage patch? Or did the stork just make a mistake and gave you guys three?

Katie: Ernie, did anyone ever tell you the facts of life?

Ernie: Nah, I watched the cartoon "Stork Naked" and figured it out for myself.

Katie: Well, your father needs to give you "the talk" right away. You're old enough to know where babies really come from, don't you think? Or are you going to be a sissy your whole life because you can't handle real life?

Obviously, the Thompsons are related to the Waltons 'cause Elizabeth didn't seem to know where babies came from etc. until Cotler finally got pissed at the writers when she was 12.

Charley: "I hope the next kooky character that Katie and Robbie bring in here is a hot little number, like that last one...!"

Charley: Steve, if you don't get that Fungus guy outta here, I'm gonna drop kick him back to Scotland!

Steve: And if you do, I'm gonna drop kick you to Ireland!

Obviously, the Thompsons are related to the Waltons 'cause Elizabeth didn't seem to know where babies came from etc. until Cotler finally got pissed at the writers when she was 12.

:lol:

Tramp (noticing Katie and Rob kissing): And they call ME a tramp!

Ernie: Where's Tramp?

Charley: Oh, he just got done making love to my leg and went outside for a cigarette.

^LOL

Ernie: Uncle Charley, why do dogs and people smoke after doing that? I'm so confused and sort of traumatized to be honest.

Tramp: I was going to be called Bike, but Master Chip now tells me that will be Dorine's nickname in high school.

Charley: Steve, if you don't get that Fungus guy outta here, I'm gonna drop kick him back to Scotland!

Steve: And if you do, I'm gonna drop kick you to Ireland!

Charley: [mockingly and condescendingly] Oh, I'm sorry you feel that way, Stevie boy! I hate to tell you this, but Bub's offered me a good position along-side him in the Provos!

Uncle Charley: Let's just all go to the fast food place on the corner. I'm sick of cooking for you clowns.

Barbara (to Dodie): What a whiny little brat you are. Steve adopted you, but I'm gonna disown you!

Dodie, infuriated by Barbara's remark in above post, raises her arm only to find it caught firmly in her mother's hand:

Barb: "Oh! The little girl thinks she can slap people?

Well, I know how to deal with that!"

(Barbara goes over to the biggest chair in the living room with Dodie and lays her over her lap and tells her that she is to be taught a lesson about bratty and mean behavior) "If you _ever_ try to hit Mommy again...".

Dodie: Hit Myrtle, you ogre! She can take it.

Steve: Babs, you take care of Myrtle, I'll take care of the brat!

Steve: Hey, Barbara, I just saw Dodie on Adam-12. Is she moonlighting?

Barbara: Her last job was as a singing telegram. I'm thankful for small mercies.

(Barbara storms out after Steve complains about his rough day.)

Charley: Where's she goin'?

Steve: Who cares? Probably to an x rated movie.

^LOL

Ernie: What does x-rated mean? Does it mean you wear x-ray glasses?

Of course a plotline where teenage Dodie decides to go the Traci Lords route would certainly restore any flagging ratings by Season 16 in 1976 ;) *whistles innocently at the thought of Billy Graham, Pat Robertson and the FCC blowing gaskets*

Dodie: Well, I just got back from filming an episode of Adam-12. What did you losers do? What did I miss here?

Joe Don Baker is on the line, Dodie :)

Uncle Charley: Hey Steve! You ever noticed that Chip looks a lot like the mailman?

Dodie: Unlike Ruthie Camden, this mailman was white.

(Yo Ho is teaching Ernie how to dance, and Charley enters.)

Charley: I knew there was a reason I call you Alice.

Uncle Charley gets a new characterisation in a re-tool in the never-made Season 13:

https://picshack.net/ib/uvZUY49ie4.jpg

Steve: Not that I care, but where were you?

Barbara: At Bob Anderson's. I got you the promotion.

:eek::lol:

Steve: Way to go, Barb! If you have any energy left, wanna go to our bedroom now? (winks)

Steve: If I still lived there, you'd be the Bryant Park bike, dear. ("everyone's had a ride")

Barbara: Steven! You take that back! I'm more of a convertible than a bicycle.

Steve: An open top? That explains why you go braless.

Barbara: Well, now you're just being crude. (huffs and puffs and exits)

(she returns with a new attitude.) Barbara: Steve, dear, I love that imagery. Convertible--open top--how's this?

yeah, that was my joke - open top convertible. Mind you, I've never driven a car case of my paresis/palsy so... Or had sex, for that matter...

Robbie walks into the room.

My Goodness! Barbara! Cover up those headlights before I go blind! The eclipse isn't until tomorrow.

Dodie: But, Mom's not even doing anything? She's just standing in front of our sofa jiggling herself up and down.

Chip: Well, she needs to stop jiggling and get to wiggling into the kitchen and make lunch!

Ernie: You're married--to me, she can jiggle all she wants! Excuse me, I need to leave for a few but I'll be back.

Dodie: Ernie is disgusting! Man! Jeepers Creepers!

Ernie: Hey, Dodie isn't related to me by *blood*. In a few years, I can be one of the boys falling over her!

Tramp: This family is going to the dogs.

Steve: Polly, your whining is really getting on my nerves

Chip: "Put the kettle on, Polly. Oh, no, not the tea kettle. I mean get hot... in bed!"

Steve: Chip, you are really starting to bug me. Straighten up and fly right, Son!

Chip: Just because you haven't seen any action in decades, Mister Floppy.

Steve: You are way out of line, Chipper. I see plenty of hot action every night.

Tom Williams: Here's the deal, Richard. We tricked you into eloping with Polly. If you wanna know the truth, we're after your dad's money. I'm telling you this because there's nothing you can do about it. Try telling him and he'll say you're nuts.

Dodie: Why is Robbie always kissing Katie? What's that about?

Paula: Boy, Ernie, your little sister is so stupid. Who ever heard of a little girl being so attached to a doll?

Ernie: Cool it, Paula. She's not related to me anyway. Neither are the Douglases, really.

Ernie: Which also means Dodie is more useful than one would have thought...

Dodie: Ernie, get your mind out of the gutter.

Charley: Steve, I was thinking. Let's go knock over a bank.

Steve: As long as I don't have to knock up Barbara.

Chip: Or me having to knock up Tramp.

Steve: Don't you mean, Polly, Chipper?

Chip: That's who I said, Dad.

Charley: Steve, Chip is kind of weird. Maybe he should see somebody professionally? Meanwhile, let's go loot a bank. I need cash bad. I need to pay my buddies in that card game back when I lost last Saturday night.

My apologies, Steve, this is the what they WOULDN'T say thread, and my dirty sense of humor was homed on Usenet and in 1990s and 2000s Melbourne-based fandom. Such as seeing the gag re-dubs of old DW and other Brit shows done by English fans -- "That's my SodaStream and you can't piss in *that*!".

Charley: Would you guys speak English? I can't keep up.

Charley: Steve, Chip thinks Polly is a tramp. We got enough tramps around here! Let's send him to that country doctor that delivered the triplets.

And listen, Steve, I was reading a book by June Cleaver about ways to rob a bank. Like makin' yourself invisible. We oughta try it!

Steve: I think we need to send you back out to sea, with one of those wacko guys who come to visit you, like Captain Windsail or Salty or whatever.

Chip: Dad, you know that Disney movie? It says that "the lady is a tramp" and Polly's a lady of the night.

Steve: Chipper, you seem to be obsessed with tramps. You might want to cool down. Maybe pack some ice under your pillow tonight. And Charley, why would you read a book about a housewife who robbed a bank? Why is my family falling apart around me?

Barbara: Because you don't put out enough, _dear_

Chip: Dad, did I ever tell you you're a stuffed shirt?

And, Dad, does it tell you something that Polly put a red light outside our door?

Polly: It's all been a bit of an anti-climax, hasn't it?
Chip: You'd know all about that, being a woman.

;)

Charley: Pssst, Steve! Let's get away from these other clowns and go rob a bank. I tell you, June Cleaver did it, we sure should be able to do it better! I need the dough!

Steve: Psst, Charley! I'll call June, maybe she can give us some pointers.

Barbara: What's this?

Steve: Oh, it's nothing Barb. We're just talking about a woman with real class who wears genuine pearls. It doesn't concern you. Shoo!

Barbara: Hah, June! She doesn't wear real pearls-they're dime store phonies.

Just like your phony charm, Steve.

Dodie: I'm a Mouseketeer!

Charley: [not even bothering to look up from his edition of the L.A. Times] "Well, you aint Zorro!"

Dodie: I'm a Mouseketeer!

Charley: [not even bothering to look up from his edition of the L.A. Times] "Well, you aint Zorro!"

Barbara: Ernie, get out the Glade! You need to lay off those baked beans.

Ernie: [sotto] "I'm not fooled "Mom". We *all* know who has the yeast infection..."

Barbara: Steve, I'm getting sick of you and your supposed work projects and long hours. How come I call you at work and you don't answer? I'll tell you, I'm gonna kick your sorry ass out the door!

I dont think you would hear "I have to goto the bathroom"

Steve wearing Depends undergarments?

I dont think you would hear "I just farted" :D

Dodie: Mommy, can I try on your wig?

Barbara: I don't know why I ever married into this family, you're all a bunch of bums.

Barbara: You know, Katie, I can see why Rob went to Peru. Most of the time you let those brat kids run wild, and I have to deal with it. He got sick of it and so am I.

So why don't you just join Robbie of the Jungle down there so things can return to normal around here?

Katie: You know what, Barb? You're a big meanie! And I hate you right now! (storms out of the room in a huff)

Barbara (yells as Katie leaves): Kiss my grits, lady! Just because you were here first you think you're hot stuff. You're nothing but cold manure.

Dodie as Little Orphan Annie? Steve as Miss Hannigan instead of that mushroom?

Steve: Barbie, could you be a doll and grab me a cold beer? And stop being mean to Katie.

Barbara: "Steve, if you want to keep your beer cool, put it between my legs"

Barb: You sick human being. I'm going home to Mother.

Barb: You sick human being. I'm going home to Mother.
Norman Bates: "Welcome Home, Barb!"

Chip, to Barbara: "You know, Mom, I have a thing for attractive older women..."

Barbara gets on the phone and calls a cab. "Yes, hello? My family is nuts, please send me a cab right away, hurry!"

Barbara: How are you today Charley?

Charley: Everything's fine, no complaints.

Barbara: How are you today Charley?

Charley: Everything's fine, no complaints.

A moment later:

Charley [looks at Barbara]: "Wait! You're here?! This is the Other Place!"

"Barbara" shapeshifts into Sebastian Cabot and starts laughing until he realizes that he forgot to alter the outfit as well.

Ernie: Hey, Dad, can we get a pet piggy like the Ziffels have?

Steve: Hey, Ernie, how'd you like to be un-adopted? Anyway, he only watches The Beverly Hillbillies.

Ernie: Dad, don't be a wise guy. Give me a pig for Christmas or I split.

Barbara: Ernie, I think I'd rather have Arnold around here than you.

(see above post-trying to get the last poster ID on the Last Post indicator.)

Ernie: Are you implying that Arnold the pig keeps a neater sty than I, Barb? What an insult!

Barbara: Arnold is too clean to live in a sty. You on the other hand---aren't.

Ziffle or Drummond?

Barbara: Ernie, you are NOT GETTING A PIG!! Steve, how did you raise Ernie? Or was he raised by wolves?

Ernie: But Dodie was raised by a coyote?

Barbara: I beg your pardon! I raised her, you wretched four eyed nerd. Get the !@$% out of this house!

Charley: You tell 'him sister! I been trying to get rid of that kid for years. Ever since I tripped over that stupid dog of his. Then I fixed that dog for good.

Ruined my joke by mixing up a coyote with a cougar

Instead of coyote i should have written cougar -- although Steve become a coyote by not refusing the two decades-younger Barb.

Steve: You know, Barb, I should have married a woman four decades younger than myself. Where did it all go so wrong? I could've had a young chickadee!

Steve: And, Barb, let's face it -- Katie's always had a thing for me.

Katie walks by. Um, what? (looks frightened)

Barbara: Katie, don't even listen to him. His warped mind is off in never-never land again.

Charley: If you call the travel agency to book, Never-Never Land is right next to Shangri-La and Bongo Bongo Land. You can't miss it!

Charley, to Ernie: "Listen Alice: if you don't shape up and stay out of that cookie jar, I'll spill the beans to Steve that you're the illegitimate son I fathered in Pago Pago...!"

Ernie: I am going to need so much therapy after hearing that, Uncle (Father!) Charley!

Charley: Yep, Father Charley. Would a man of the cloth *lie* to you?