Ernie: The only cloth you're the man of is your dish towel, Charley.

Charley: Listen, four eyes, have you ever seen Pearl Harbor? Yes or no, I'm gonna drop kick you over there, THEN you'll see it, or see it again!

Ernie: Was it over when the Canadians bombed Pearl Habor?

Dodie: Canadians?

Myrtle: Forget it.

Ernie: My father would never call me Four Eyes, so stick it, Uncle Charley!

Four Eyes, No Soul, then?

Ernie: Oh, I have a soul, Dumbo! I'm going to have Dad fire your sorry mean butt!

Charley: Why you little nerd! I'm gonna call those Thompsons and have them take you to Tahiti or wherever they went--I got their phone number. This adoption is OFF!

I invented a new word, nerd.

Ernie: My Dad could take you with one punch, Buster, so stop calling me a nerd I know it's a bad thing.

Chip: If we are going to Tahiti, the ladies don't have to come too.

Charley: Hey, Chipper, how about you and me go down to Tahiti and find ourselves a couple of hot babes? Steve can stay here and babysit Four Eyes.

Chip: Hey, Dad, could you check my wallet and see if I have what I need? As in I need to complete my education down there! Uncle Charley, let's go!

Steve: Chipper, is Charley corrupting you? You need to stay in school!

Charley: Cut it out, Steve! The kid needs a release. He's a teenager now. Tahiti is the perfect place, and to top it off, I never even been there. Probably the only place I never been to.

Steve: A release? You are really creepy, Charley. Seek help. He's a child!

Charley: And sending Erin, uh, Ernie, to Dr John Money in Chicago for uh physical alteration will solve the other...

Everyone else in unison: My God, Charley! Did that shrapnel hit you too hard in the Great War?

https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MemeticMolester

Chip: Please release me in Tahiti!

Steve: I'd suggest you just watch a travelogue, Chipper.

CH: Hi, Charley! I'm Chris Hansen!

Chip [to Hansen]: While you're here, can you investigate Dorine Peters?

Charley: Oh, uh, hello, Chris. Nothing to see here...

Steve: Just a minute. Come in, Chris. Charley, tell him why you wanted to take Chip to Tahiti.

Charley: Are you knuckle heads going trick or treating tomorrow night?

Ernie: Yeah, I got a costume with a mask that looks just like you. Great for scaring kids. Only thing, i had trouble finding a plastered down wig to match your hair.

Charley: You'll regret mouthing off to me that way, little boy. I'll think of something to ruin your Halloween!

Ernie: Just being in the same room with you ruins my day.

Charley: That's it, no candy for you for 5 months! Suck on that for awhile, Dumbo.

Chip: Ernie, you're such a boob; it's a useless fight against Uncle Charley.

Ernie: I'm the boob? You're the boob!!!!

Charley: You're both right. I'm gonna use you two for target practice!

Ernie: I feel the spirit of Thanksgiving descending into my heart and I want to put this behind us, Uncle Charley. Can we start over?

Charley: Ernie, it's gonna take me some time. You know me; I'm the sensitive sort.

Katie: If you are both boobs, do you want to audition for the Miss Bikini Lovely contest next week?

(Flintstones theme is heard on the Douglas television set [‘We’ll have a gay old time!’]).

Ernie: Katie, I find that comment extremely inappropriate but also provocative.

Katie: Glad you do, hon. Anytime you need anything, just come see Katie.

Sorry but when you leave yourself open.... ;)

Katie: I'm open for business all night. But for Robbie only. You guys hush.

Ernie: Robbie, Robbie. I'm sick of hearing about Robbie!

Chip: Ernie, chill. This isn't The Brady Bunch, and Robbie isn't Marcia.

Ernie: Oh, all right. I just wish I wasn't a nerd.

Charley: That's the first sensible thing you said all day.

Ernie: That's me, good ol' sensible Ernie. I can't wait to grow up so I can be nonsensical!

Charley: You're not just a nerd. You do stupid stuff like falling into Zsa Zsa's pool. Stupid!

Ernie: Oh, you're just jealous, fella, because I got to come into contact with Zsa Zsa water! Seethe!

Charley: What do I care about her pool water? I've kissed her before!

Ernie: Egads! Poor Zsa Zsa! Did she have to soak her face in Ivory liquid to rid her lips of your germs?

Chip: Would you two cool it with your battle? You want Polly to leave this family?

Ernie: Oh, buzz off, who cares about Polly? Go feed her a cracker and leave me alone.

Chip: Geez, I'm sure glad you're not my real brother. Why don't you write the Thompsons in Japan and see if they want you over there?

And unlike Marcia, Robbie wouldn't always catch his date trying to climb out of the window of the restaurant toilets.

Having Zsa Zsa rather than Eva guest star is... just like Jermaine instead of Michael on The Facts of Life.

Rob: I almost want to hire a private investigator to find out why no one in this family will talk about our older brother, Mike. Even Dad won't acknowledge him.

Uncle Charley: We don't talk about Mike anymore. He flew the coop and got into a sticky lifestyle. Mum's the word.

Ernie: What the heck is a sticky lifestyle? Maybe he doesn't wash his floors enough? Like you don't.

Charley: I wash the floors just fine, Buster Brown, and I could mop the floor with you too, Mop Top! A sticky lifestyle is a hush-hush thing. Let's just say he's not baking cinnamon rolls for a living.

Ernie: Sticky cinnamon rolls. It tells me I'm hungry, but that's about it. I think you belong in an old folks' home, Uncle Charley.

Charley: Okay, Wise Guy. A sticky situation just means it's outside of the law okay, and we do not discuss him here. Leave it alone.

Ernie: OK you wanna argue about cinnamon rolls. I just wanna see you pack your bags and leave. Maybe you could visit Mike, wherever he is.

Charley: Mike is upstate in the Big House. I'm staying right down here with you losers.

Ernie: Takes one to know one.

Charley makes a quick hand gesture and leaves the room.

Ernie: (yelling) Did you just flip me off?? Get back here!!

Charley: Yeah, I did. What's a nerd gonna do about it?

Ernie: Just wait until Dad gets home. He's going to pop you in the chops.

Charley: Hah! I could deck him with one hand tied behind my back.

Ernie: Oh, wanna bet? My dad can fight real dirty if he's mad enough!

Charley: Yeah, I'll bet. All he can do is play golf. But, nerd, it'd be nuts to bet on him.

Ernie: Wait until Dad comes home. I'll show you! He is going to show you who's boss around here and newsflash, it's not YOU, cretin!

Charley: I've sailed the seven seas. I ain't scared o' him, and the "I'm tellin'" game is played by tiny tots, and it looks like you're one of 'em.

Steve comes home.

Ernie: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD! Uncle Charley is being a meanie!!! Deck him for me!!!

Steve: How old are you now, Ernie? 14?

Ernie: Okay, if you won't do it, I'll go find somebody who will. (slams the door on his way out)

Charley: I thought he'd never leave. Let's get the locks changed.

Steve: What is all this about? Why is Ernie so angry? What did you do to him, Charley?

Charley: What did I do? He's a smart-mouthed kid. Face it, Steve.

Steve: You know what Charley? I've coddled you for far too long. Why don't you hang up your apron and retire!

Myrtle: Any more out of any of you and Dodie's calling Alyssa! Don't think she won't!


https://www.sitcomsonline.com/boards/attachment.php?attachmentid=313418&stc=1&d=1732527629

Steve: Meh, Myrtle, I'll sic Chucky on you if you don't shut your buttonhole mouth.

Charley: I ain't afraid of Alyssa but Dodie better be!

Alyssa is Carrie Ingalls's imaginary friend from the Landon TV adaption.

Charley: I'm not cooking Thanksgiving this year. Kaite, you get in here and do it! I'm tired.

Katie: Get off your fat butt and get cookin'.

Robbie: Katie, let's go to Wendy's and eat. Charley is just too lazy.

Charley: Who ya callin' lazy, ya fathead? I dare ya to step across this line.

Robbie: Blow it out your ear, Chuckles! Katie and I don't need to stick around while you insult us on a holiday meant for giving thanks. Buh-bye!

Charley: Good riddance to s couple o' freeloaders!

Steve: Soon, you'll be the only blockhead left around here.

Charley: All you kooks go Black Friday shopping and stay out of my hair, what little hair I have left! Scat!!

Steve: Charley, why don't you take a long walk on a short pier?

Charley: You launched a thousand ships the other way, me old china!

Charley: All I want for Christmas is for you rats to scram!

Steve: Let's reverse it--why don't YOU scram, Charley?

Charley: Steve, I'm hurt. Didn't we used to be good together?

Steve: No! I thought Bub was a grouch till you came along.

Chip enters.

Get a room you two. Stop bickering like a couple.

Steve: And just who do you think you are?

Chip: I'm Chip Douglas, that's who. I'm young and strong and I could take you two old bats any time so stuff it up your chimney, Pops!

"Yes, son, you're a chip off the old block and a few flying buttresses short of a cathedral".

Ernie: Are you talking about butts? That's dirty!

Charley: I thought YOU left the premises! So, get out, Ernie!

Ernie: Blow it out your ear, Charley! If any air can get through with all that gray ear hair!! Ha!!

Charley: (to no one in particular) The boy's got spunk. I HATE SPUNK! (to Ernie) Prepare for a trip to outer space via my fist!!

Ernie: Oh, I'm so petrified, Charley Barley, I'm trembling!!! (laughs)

Charley: After I drop kick you, send me a picture of Mars.

Ernie: Hardy har har. I should get the Martians to take you back to their planet and maybe they can give you a real brain not that piece of meat you got up there in that head.

Charley: You little dope! Steve told you that was an Air Force experiment. You got no brain up there.

Ernie: Oh, Dad doesn't tell you everything, Dumbo. I know a few things too and if the Martians ever got a hold of you, they'd have a heydey trying to figure out how you work.

Charley: I'll give ya a dollar to go to the corner, close your eyes, and cross the street. Don't worry 'cause it ain't a busy street. I'll pay ya if...uh, when, ya get back.

Ernie: You are a wicked one, Charley Grinch! No eggnog for you!

And that's how Charlie won the Iron Cross!

Ernie: You're cancelled, Uncle Charley!

Charley: Grinch, huh? You know Christmas is just another day around here. A day that'd be better with you gone. Speaking of that, when are you leaving?

Are we sure Charlie wasn't possessed by the Wendigo?

Charley: I wonder if I'll be talked about in the future? People will play games about me on a computer. (beams proudly)

Katie: You'll hold the record for the nastiest human being in history.

Charley: Maybe some nice folks will take pity on an old grumpy man and make me say cute things on the computer, Katie. Be nice!

Katie: I only spoke to you so you'd quit picking on my boy Ernie.

Ernie: I am your boy, aren't I Katie? That Charley is just an old coot picking on us!

Katie: Come here, dear Ernie. Put your head on my shoulder.

Charley rolls his eyes and says: Give me a break. I'm going to tell Robbie about this. It has to stop.

Katie: Go take a long walk on a short pier. (To Ernie) Poor baby. (She strokes his scalp) Are you losing your hair?

Ernie: I think Uncle Charley has been poisoning me. Call the cops, Katie!

Katie: I like to soothe you, Ernie, but you need to make an appointment with Dr. Spock.

Ernie: But if my hair is falling out, and it's poison, it must be Charley! Tell Dad!

Katie: Get a grip, Ernie! Or I'll get my country doctor over here and he'll put a mustard plaster on your chest. Or come to think of it maybe he'll have me do it.

Ernie: Oh, Katie! A mustard plaster? Can you roll some hot dogs in it for me?

Charley: See? I told ya he's nutty as a fruitcake.

Katie: Ernie, if you don't straighten up, I'll dose you with some cod liver oil. But first I'm calling Dr. Osborne.

Ernie: Cod Liver Oil? Egads! That's worse than being poisoned! Somebody save me from these adults!

Charley: You got it reversed. We need to be saved from you. In fact, we need you to leave the premises!

Ernie: Oh, blow it out your ear! Go make us some cool New Year's drinks and make yourself useful for once.

Katie: Now see Charley, he wants a cool drink. He's probably feverish--let Katie feel your head, honey. See? He feels warm--he probably needs me to rub some Vicks on his chest instead of doing that mustard plaster. Why don't you get all of us a nice cool drink and I'll take care of him?

Charley: I'll dunk you lunkheads in the sink and run the tap until you call Uncle! Ha!

Ernie: You can do anything you want to me if you first let Katie rub my chest.

Katie: Oh, Sweet Baby, come here and sit on Katie's lap. I'll make you forget all about that mean Uncle Charley's barbs.

Charley: Adults ain't tattletales, but Robbie's gotta know about this.

Ernie: Man, this Vick's stuff stinks but it's worth it!

Robbie: Now Katie, are you treating Ernie like a baby? He's almost a man!

Katie: Now, Robbie, he's just a little boy who needs his chest cold cleared out. There now, Ernie, rest your head on Katie's lap.

Ernie: Cough, cough....

Robbie: Katie, I need to talk to you in the other room. Let that boy down!

Katie: Oh, why don't you just go and flip some burgers? I'm busy!

Robbie: Ernie, get down from there. Katie is not your babysitter or your wet nurse. Good lord!!

Ernie: Is someone calling me?

Uncle Charley: Yeah, Knucklehead! I'm calling you a dingbat!

Ernie: This nerd is in La La land, literally and figuratively. I'll talk to you later, Uncle What's-your-name.

Charley (yells): Steve!! C'mere! You gotta do somethin' about this kid. He's behind the 8 ball.

Steve: Charley, behave yourself. You are a grown man picking on a small boy. Katie, can you explain to me what happened? I trust your opinion.

Katie: Dad, you can see Ernie doesn't feel well. I'm just rubbing his chest with Vicks. Dr. Osborne suggested it.

Ernie: Sniff, sniff. Cough, cough.

Steve: Oh, that's just fine. Leave them alone, Charley Horse!

Charley: Ah, Steve, you're so stupid and naive. Just like your idiot son here.

It scares me to see any plane you designed. I'd sure never stand under one!

Steve: You're fired! I'll do my own cooking. Leave! And by the way, you're ugly!

Charley: You can't toss me outta here! I know my rights and I'll hire a lawyer.

Steve: Who are you going to hire on your puny salary? Not Perry Mason! GET OUT!!

Charley: I'll get Jackie Chiles. My pal Cosmo says I can use him. Whaddaya think of that?

Ernie: Sniff. Sniff. Cough. Cough.

Charley: Who asked you?

Robbie: Jackie Chiles? Is he the one who told you to put the balm on Ernie, Katie?!

Katie: Oh, all right--he was! Now I'm nearly out of Vicks and I'm feeling sick. Ernie, just get up and go!

Jackie Chiles appears at the door.

Katie, Who told you to put the balm on Ernie? Who? It's outrageous!

Ernie: Somebody's gonna put a bomb on me?

Jackie: Somebody get the kid outta here. Was that an ambulance that just went by?

Jackie goes to chase the ambulance.

Ernie: I never thought ambulance chasing was literal, hmmm.

Steve comes back in. I distinctly remember throwing you outta here, Charley. He looks at Katie. Are you still rubbing him? That stuff is smelling mighty strong.

Ernie: Dad, did you see that lawyer run out of here like his butt was on fire? Ha ha ha!

Steve: Yeah. A car tapped my bumper at the light. I guess the cops got the wrong message.

Jackie comes back in. I saw the whole thing. You must be injured. I know a doctor you can see. We'll sue. We'll get millions.

Steve: We didn't even file a police report. There was no damage.

Jackie: Steve, let's go talk about this over coffee. HOT coffee. (winks at the others)

Steve: Like I said, he just tapped my bumper. It didn't even spill my coffee.

Jackie: You had coffee? Where'd you get the coffee?

Steve: Micky Dee's.

Jackie: Oh? There wasn't a cap on the coffee, or you wouldn't have even thought about spilling it.

Steve: I took the cap off.

Jackie: Why'd you take the cap off? Was it too hot?

Steve: Well, yes, Jackie, it was scalding hot. I wanted to let it cool a bit so I wouldn't burn my lip. What are you driving at?

Jackie: What's the matter with you? Micky Dee's shouldn't serve coffee too hot. They should serve it just right. Not too hot. Not too cold. Isn't that a burn on your hand?

Steve: Yes, Jackie. I burnt myself on the iron. I was trying to iron my shirt for work.

Jackie: Well, we're going to say it was the hot coffee. Let's go. When you spill it on your hand, scream. Make it seem real. You copy? You're in for a huge payday my friend.

Steve: That's dishonest. That's silly. wouldn't do that.

Charley: I would.

Jackie: Silly? That hamburger comp'ny makes billions every year. Did you put balm on that burn?

Charley: Jackie, I'll do it. Steve just fired me after my loyal years of service. Let's hop in your jalopy and go get burnt!

Jackie: You got a burn? Let me see your burn. You been to Java World?

Charley: I been.

Jackie: You need to see Dr. Bison. Susie, get me Dr. Bison. This is outrageous, egregious, preposterous.

Charley: Huh?

Jackie: Never mind. Force of habit.

Steve: Jackie, I'm really appalled at you. You attended Dartmouth College and Stanford Law School. How can you be so unethical?

Jackie: Unethical? What about Java World? They're the ones. Burning Charley here.

Steve: What burn? Do you see a burn?

Jackie: Why are you talking funny? Why is he talking funny?

Charley: Jackie, forget about Steve. He's stuck in the moral Seventies. We hipsters are the future. Hop to it, we've got some cash to make!

Charley: Anyway, I put something on my burn...

Jackie: What? You put balm on the burn? Who told you to put balm on the burn?

Charley: OK, but I got another thing to tell ya about. Robbie's company, Jet Electro, fired him because they lost a contract. Now his new company wants to send hm to Peru.

Jackie: Jet Electro? They got a big new contract. They can't do that. Where's Robbie? I gotta talk to him.

Robbie: They want to send me to Peru! Peru! Can you imagine? I don't speak Peruvian! Or whatever language they speak there. Help me, Jackie!

Jackie: Peruvian? Who speaks Peruvian? This is a violation of your rights. They can't make you do that. It's abominable. It's reprehensible.

Steve: Oh, good, Rob! Jackie, what'll we do?

Jackie: We'll go to court, that's what we'll do. Hmm...you've never had a trial. The closest you came is when Ernie accused Chip of losing his stamp and you mocked up a trial.

Steve: Wow! Good memory, Jackie. I almost forgot about that.

Jackie: You need a real court trial. Hang loose...let me make a call. -- Susie, set up a trial for the Douglases. Get a good judge. I once saw Gale Gordon do it. See if you can get him. Or that guy who was a judge on Dennis's show. He called Mr. Wilson Mr. Mason. Good comedy!

Ernie: "You know Dad, Flame LaRose and that meter maid who ticketed you were both very hot. But I'll bet Katie in her 'Cigarette Girl' outfit gave them a run for their money...!"

Robbie: I've seen a lot of pregnant women, Katie, but I've never seen one as fat as you.

You probably wouldnt hear "ah man"

Ah man!

Chip: "Your penny is a fake, Ernie! You can't have an Indian head obverse on a post-1908 cent...!"

Chip: I'm sick of your whining, Polly. I'm outta here.

Polly: "I know I'm too needy and clingy, Chip. But you'll never find anyone who's as wild in the sack as I am...!"

Uncle Charley = small wee-wee

Polly = wide cooch.

Not a coincidence ;)

Lisa Wong: "I was so unfair to you Ernie... I have a confession to make: I've fallen madly in love with you, and I want you to father my children...!!!"

Ernie: Lisa, my gene pool isn't the greatest. All the guys in my family are bald...I'm adopted you know...and I see having no hair in my future. And we can all barely see past our nose.

And here's the future I see being with you: living in Nag City.

Lisa: And if you do marry me, you can become Long Wong Silver...

Ernie: Compliments will get you somewhere...

Ray Wong, to his daughter Lisa:

"The Douglas men are irresistible to the women of this family. But I warn you: if you pull a 'slave girl' routine on Ernie like Terri did to Rob, I'm not paying for your wedding...!"

Promo photos that don't make Dodie look like a bird that has swallowed a plate: but I used AI to fix that.

https://hosting.photobucket.com/eb352fa8-1a8c-4630-964a-2e45c3f1385c/3d930b3b-766c-4fd5-a347-8e3ca2660f96.jpg

https://hosting.photobucket.com/eb352fa8-1a8c-4630-964a-2e45c3f1385c/dcc1059f-4c30-490c-8ff6-6019ef2dc691.png

You've turned Dodie into a lookalike of the comic character Nancy...!

324697

Other little details were changed--such as the pattern on Beverly's dress, Fred no longer has his hand on Beverly's, color changes and lighting corrections, Demarest's head and eye positions, and his teeth.

Those other changes was not asked for.

Steve: Mind if I smoke?

Charley: "Ernie, if you get me involved in another taffy pull, I'll wring your scrawny neck!"