My sister (also an LITB fan) and I enjoy thinking of 21st century expressions that Ward Cleaver would never had heard of, then put them in his mouth. The results are often amusing. A few examples:

"June, do you realize you're being a helicopter parent?"
"Beaver, let this be a teachable moment for you."
"Lumpy Rutherford is Wally's frenemy."
"Fred Rutherford is the biggest workaholic I've ever met."
"Wally, are you having a bad hair day, or that hairstyle deliberate?" (from "Wally's Haircut")

Ward would not talk about "upgrading" his golf club.

After explaining some fine moral point to Beaver, he wouldn't say "Does that make sense?"

Referring to Andy Hadlock's alcoholism, he wouldn't say that Andy has "issues."

Beaver, to Penny before she is (supposedly) to move away, in the school hall: "Well, don't tell anybody, but could you get a selfie, and give it to me to remember you by?"

Oops--sorry--this was supposed to be Ward's sayings!

That's OK - it could be broadened to "Things they would never say on LITB."

My goodness, could you imagine LITB in the digital age? Lumpy bullying Beaver over Facebook? Mr. Rutherford sending photos of his daughter kissing Beaver over Instagram? Beaver keeping a blog instead of a diary where he records his dangerous exploits? I shudder to think.

Very interesting topic.

“Beaver why don’t you think out of the box and get your own ideas for a poster.”

Wally instead of saying “Golly” when he got kissed by Marlene he would say ”Seriously?”

Beaver- “Instead of saying well before each line he would say “So.” Like they all do and I can hear Ward say “June I’m not going to buy Wally an orchid because “at the end of the day” he’ll realize it’s not worth it.

Maybe Miss Landers could be packing a rod if Harry decides to shoot Penny.

When Ward and June first meet-

Ward: "I've never seen you here before, I like that in a woman."

June: "You're cute."

Ward: "Keep talking, baby, maybe you'll tell me something I don't already know."

Maybe Miss Landers could be packing a rod if Harry decides to shoot Penny.

I really did LOL on that one. Or in some episode where Judy tells on someone, instead of saying (as she did when Beaver didn't really move away), Sit down, Judy, Miss Landers pulls out a rod and orders her to sit down or else.

Other dialog:

Instead of saying "well" (or like he says, wool), Beaver, when describing stuff that happened at school: "'So Penny says, I'm gonna give you my pencil box.' And I'm like, no don't...I don't want it. And she's like," etc.

Wally: "Hey, Beav, why doesn't Larry come around anymore?"

Beaver: "His mom had to send him to rehab for his apple addiction."

June: "I'm going to take off these pearls, put on some sweats and a t-shirt before I clean house."

I really did LOL on that one. Or in some episode where Judy tells on someone, instead of saying (as she did when Beaver didn't really move away), Sit down, Judy, Miss Landers pulls out a rod and orders her to sit down or else.

Other dialog:

Instead of saying "well" (or like he says, wool), Beaver, when describing stuff that happened at school: "'So Penny says, I'm gonna give you my pencil box.' And I'm like, no don't...I don't want it. And she's like," etc.

Yeah very annoying dialogue. So like he goes “They’ll put my father in jail.” And I go like “How come.” And Eddie like said “ Because it’s his library card.” June would be annoyed with words like flip and ape. How about the words they use today? Fred went postal on Lumpy and called him a big *****!

Yeah Judy really needed Miss Landers to take measures and I should have used Judy not Penny.

Wally- Eddie said that Janet Gibbs said that Alice Hartley said I had eyes like George Clooney.” June - Wow Wally, awesome.”

Wally: "Hey, Beav, why doesn't Larry come around anymore?"

Beaver: "His mom had to send him to rehab for his apple addiction."


:lol: :wave:

Yeah very annoying dialogue. So like he goes “They’ll put my father in jail.” And I go like “How come.” And Eddie like said “ Because it’s his library card.” June would be annoyed with words like flip and ape. How about the words they use today? Fred went postal on Lumpy and called him a big *****!

Yeah Judy really needed Miss Landers to take measures and I should have used Judy not Penny.

Wally- Eddie said that Janet Gibbs said that Alice Hartley said I had eyes like George Clooney.” June - Wow Wally, awesome.”


I just saw that ep. where Eddie was telling Wally that on the phone!! :D ;)

June: " Ward, you were a little rough on the Beaver last night"

Now it would be :

"Ward, you were verbally abusive to the Beaver last night" !

Wally- Eddie said that Janet Gibbs said that Alice Hartley said I had eyes like George Clooney.” June - Wow Wally, awesome.”

Totally awesome.

Can you hear Frances talking to her girlfriends?

So I'm like, Wally, you don't want me to get all soakee, do you?

And he's like, no. So he like, just lets me keep the sweater, you know...

And then later, he like comes right to my door, you know...and he's like, gimme the sweater right now. And I'm like, Wally, I'm gonna give it to you Monday, you know. And he's like, no, you're gonna give it to me now. So I gave it to him you know. And his stupid little brother is like, gimme some fudge. And I'm like no way, dude. I keep the sweater, the brat can have some fudge you know.

That was HILARIOUS!!

Lumpy wouldn’t be left back a grade he would be labeled mentally challenged and allowed to be promoted so not to hurt his self esteem.

Wally- “Beaver is always listening to Eddie and believes everything he says. That’s why he’s always getting into trouble.”

Ward- “That’s right Wally it’s the new normal.”


Eddie- “What are you two doing plotting to blow up the school.” Eddie’s Sweater
Not funny these days!

When talking about his favorite baseball players to June in "Ward's Baseball," Ward wouldn't describe them as "iconic."

He wouldn't tell Beaver to "be the best version of yourself you can be."

In "Beaver's New Bicycle," after they report the theft to the officer,

Ward: Well, Beaver, I guess I gave you quite a lecture about carelessness and irresponsibility. Now, I suppose it's your turn to give me the same lecture.

Beaver: Gee no, Dad. A guy doesn't want to make his father feel bad.

Ward: Thank you, Beaver.

Beaver: No problem.

Eddie comes over to the Cleaver house at the end of "Wally's Test."

Eddie: Mr. Cleaver, may Wally and I talk in private?

Ward: Yes, of course, Eddie. Just go into my "man cave."

New dialog for Wally pulling the car back in the driveway, after Beaver accidentally backs it out:

Officer: What's going on here? Son, let me see your license.

Wally: Oops, my bad, I don't have one. Oh, well...

Fred: “Ward I saw this on your desk after you had left and thought it might be important.”

Ward: “Why thank you Fred how thoughtful of you.”

Fred: “I got your back, Bro.”

Beaver: Wally, help me with these fractions.
Wally: Cool it, Beav. Quit bugging me--do it yourself. It's not rocket science.
---------------------
Beaver (as Wally enters their room): Where've you been?
Wally: Hangin' out at the mall.
---------------------
June (in the kitchen, after answering the phone, calling to Ward, who's in the foyer): Ward, it's Uncle Billy.

Ward (talking to Beaver): I'm gonna go let Uncle Billy have it.

Beaver: Wait...Dad...

(and they discuss Uncle Billy showing off, just wanting to be liked)

June (hollerin'): WARD!!!

Ward: Hang loose, dear. I'll be right there.

Hang loose! Reminds me of when June spoke jive in Airplane.

In "The Happy Weekend," when the boys say they want to watch TV and go to the movies instead of go on a vacation in the mountains, Ward could say: "Boys, I don't want you to turn into a couple of couch potatoes."

Beaver: Hey Dad, why'd am I named after a slang term for a woman's private parts?

Ward: 'Cause in the 50's we could get away with it son. Today we'd all be on Dr Phil getting our asses kicked.

June and the jive was one of the funniest moments in Airplane. It's funny enough when she says she speaks it, then she actually speaks it!

Yeah, about Dr. Phil--it'd be funny to come up with some Dr. Phil dialog, with Ward and June in the hot seats. "You named him Beaver--what were you thinking?"

"I've arranged for one of the leading psychologists to see you both. When you see her you can release some of your deep seated reasons for naming this child after a vile, slang term, the deeper meaning of which we'll go into, in our next program."

Ward - "Oh I'd be happy to let Eddie move in while his parents are away for the summer."

Beaver: Dad, would you sign my report card?

Ward (after perusing it): Beaver, I may need to become proactively involved in helping you improve this arithmetic grade.

Ward: "Since the boys are gone for the weekend, June, why don't we push the twin beds together."

Ward: June, where are you?

June: I'm in here, cleaning your man-cave again. Right now, I'm looking for my pearls--I think I dropped them and they landed under the desk.

Ward: June, I swear, you're OCD--in quite a few ways.

Marlene Holmes- “Hey Wally this is Gus he’s my baby daddy and likes to dance, okay?”

Wally- “Sure if he’s your baby daddy.”

Marlene - "Here, Wally, want some weed?"

Wally - "I'm in training, no, thanks."

Marlene - "What's your problem? It's legal in this state now. By the way, Wally, what state are we even in?"

Wally - "State of confusion."

Marlene - "What's this training crap?"

(The Cleavers are out to dinner, after Beaver promised to eat Brussels Sprouts the next time they were served)
(They have just been seated by the Maitre'd, Otis)

Waitress: "Hi, guys. What'll it be?"

(A few minutes later, the waitress brings four orders of roast beef. All the Cleavers successively notice what vegetable is on the side).

Beaver: "I'm not eatin' this. No way." (He starts to leave).

June: "Beaver, get your butt back in that chair."

Ward: "Yes, Beaver. And first break your bread or I'll break your neck. And, you promised to eat the Brussels Sprouts."

Buttinsky Lady: "Poor baby. I never made my son eat things he didn't like."

June: "Stuff it, lady. Shut your big flap mouth or I'll cram some Brussels Sprouts down it."

Wally: "Wow, mom. Right on!"

Otis: "What seems to be the problem?"

Wally: "I forgot my wallet. 86 that--wrong episode."

(Steve is in a very comedic mood tonight.)

LOL now that would have been a scene from Roseanne. I like the part about Otis and stuff it lady.

Wally to Otis: Hey didn’t I see you at Hank’s the other night?

Ward: I hope you were never at Hank’s. I bring my clients there sometimes when we go bar hopping. Now Beaver eat those sprouts or no Xbox.”

(Continuing):

Wally: I was only there 'cause Marlene told me bar food's the best.

Otis: Yeah, I was was there...I saw you the other day too, Ward, at happy hour. Then I crashed at the jail as usual. Everything's STILL the same.

June: WARD...Was that the day you SAID you had to work late?

Ward: Uh, June dear, we'll have a one on one about this later.

(The Cleavers are out to dinner, after Beaver promised to eat Brussels Sprouts the next time they were served)
(They have just been seated by the Maitre'd, Otis)

Waitress: "Hi, guys. What'll it be?"

(A few minutes later, the waitress brings four orders of roast beef. All the Cleavers successively notice what vegetable is on the side).

Beaver: "I'm not eatin' this. No way." (He starts to leave).

June: "Beaver, get your butt back in that chair."

Ward: "Yes, Beaver. And first break your bread or I'll break your neck. And, you promised to eat the Brussels Sprouts."

Buttinsky Lady: "Poor baby. I never made my son eat things he didn't like."

June: "Stuff it, lady. Shut your big flap mouth or I'll cram some Brussels Sprouts down it."

Wally: "Wow, mom. Right on!"

Otis: "What seems to be the problem?"

Wally: "I forgot my wallet. 86 that--wrong episode."

(Steve is in a very comedic mood tonight.)


I wish June would have said that to that Buttinsky lady!

Ward- Hi June I’m home.
June- Did you have a good day?
Ward- No anything that could happen did. Could you make me a highball?
June- Sorry I’m out of whiskey.
Ward- How about a gun and tonic? (Sorry gin and tonic)
June: No gin.
Ward- I need something, how about that bottle of brandy oh wait Andy polished that off.
June- I’ll get you scotch and water.

Ward patiently waiting for a pick-me-up.
June- Here Ward we were all out of scotch so I made it straight water!
Ward- My next house we have a full bar in the rumpus room.

(Beaver has just gotten back to the room, after his latest visit to Ward's man cave)

Wally: Well, did he give to you?

Beaver: No, he just gave me lecture no. 5, about what a lying little brat I am.

Wally: Sounds like he was verbally abusive. We prob'ly need to call child protective services on 'im.

Beaver (to Wally): Would you drop me over at Gilbert's?

Wally: OK, on the way out let's put out the recycling.

"June, I don't know why you keep giving Eddie those icy glares when he starts complimenting your dresses. Can't you see Wally's not nice enough to that misunderstood waif who just needs more folks to be nice to him then he'd show everyone how nice, honest and helpful he is deep down inside! "

Wally- Larry and Whitey are having a funeral in the yard for Beaver’s pigeons.
June- That’s very nice of them.
Wally- Yeah and later they plan to set up a shrine to the pigeons on the sidewalk with teddy bears and flowers.

June - I can't believe Beaver would change his grade. It's just not like him. Do you think he'll admit it if you call him down here?

Ward - Keep the faith, baby! Stranger things have happened...

Gilbert: "Hey, Beaver, since no one else is home can we go look at those magazines your brother keeps under his mattress?"

June: Oh Ward, why doesn't the Beaver ever learn from his mistakes?
Ward: It looks like Beaver is just stuck on stupid.

Ward: Beaver, falling into that billboard soup bowl was an EPIC FAIL.

(Beaver picks up the phone)

Ward: Beaver, make it quick. I'm expecting an important call.

Beaver: I'm just calling Harry, to come over to pose for my poster.

Ward: That kid's a real nerd. He'll do anything. Well, hurry up...

In "Friendship," when Beaver and Larry have just had a fight at Larry's house and Beaver has come home.

Ward: Beaver, I don't think it's nice of you to throw Larry under the bus like that.

After Lumpy has threatened Beaver to give him $15 for his lost watch Ward calls Fred. “#*#~ your subtle psychology. Lumpy’s trying to extort money out of a small boy. Send him over here now so I can read him the riot act and let June have 5 minutes alone with him.” Fred-“Can I have 5 minutes alone with June too?”

Then Ward says - "You want a fat lip? Just get over here and bring Geraldine or Gwendolyn or whatever her name is and that big stupid oaf of a son yours with you."

Eddie: That was an elegant dinner, Mrs. Cleaver.

June: Cut me some slack, Jack! I saw you stuffin' them 'taters in yo' pocket.

Eddie: That's only because I get no nourishment at home and I'll need my strength tomorrow for the big game.

June: Then why did you dump them in da trash as you left da kitchen?

Eddie: Very observant Mrs. Cleaver. I was going to sneak back in the house with my spare key and retrieve them later, along with some other valuables, if you know what I mean.

June: Well now hear dis, my fine young man. If you be lookin' for mah undies, save your time. I don't wear none.

Ward (entering the boys' room): "Beaver, how's the new telescope?"

Beaver: "It's neat, Dad. I can see all the way to Mars. I think I saw a Martian walkin' around up there."

Ward: "Far out, little dude."

Ward (entering the boys' room): "Beaver, how's the new telescope?"

Beaver: "It's neat, Dad. I can see all the way to Mars. I think I saw a Martian walkin' around up there."

Ward: "Far out, little dude."

Wally: "Beaver's not looking at Mars, dad, he has the telescope aimed at Miss Lander's house."

Ward: "Move over, Beav, and let me have a gander."

Ward: "Wow! Beav, that's no Martian."

Wally: "I'm next. Let me check the calibrations."

School Play. After Ward has given Beaver a pep talk about how to act while on stage. “And Beaver if you trip and fall and everyone laughs just get up and act like nothing happened.”
June- “Are we ready?”
Beaver- “I’m not going I’m not gonna fall down and have everyone laugh at me well I’m not going.”
Ward- “ June just give him a Paxil or a Ritalin he’ll be fine.”

Beaver Runs Away.

(As Beaver is walking out.)

Ward: Don't you want your dinner first?

Beaver: Nah, I'm outta here.

(Beaver leaves; June enters)

June: Where's the Beaver?

Ward: He says he's running away.

June: My baby!

Wally: He says he's going into the foreign legion.

June: Ward Cleaver, if he does, I'm never speaking to you again.

Ward: Don't worry, dear, he'll be back before we finish our sushi!

Wally: Ugh! I think I'm gonna go with 'im.

The Cleavers sit down to breakfast on Saturday morning.

Ward: So, Beaver, what are you going to do this weekend?
Beaver: I'm going to binge watch episodes of "The Beverly Hillbillies" on Netflix.

"A Happy Weekend" in 2018:

Ward can't get the boys to put away their phones while they're on vacation in the woods.

Beaver: But gee, Dad, Gilbert keeps texting me! And I have to share pictures of our fishing trip with Larry on Facebook!

The Cleavers sit down to breakfast on Saturday morning.

Ward: So, Beaver, what are you going to do this weekend?
Beaver: I'm going to binge watch episodes of "The Beverly Hillbillies" on Netflix.

"A Happy Weekend" in 2018:

Ward can't get the boys to put away their phones while they're on vacation in the woods.

Beaver: But gee, Dad, Gilbert keeps texting me! And I have to share pictures of our fishing trip with Larry on Facebook!

Man, I was thinking about a binge watch quote too. Beat me to it!:)

(Wally, Ward, and Beaver are returning from a track meet at Bell Port; June wanted to check out some stuff on Amazon)

Ward: Well, what do you guys (in 1962 it would have been fellas) want for supper? It's about that time.

Wally and Beaver (simultaneously): Let's stop at the Chuckwagon.

(Dissolve, they pull up)

Ward (texting June): We're at Chuckwagon drive thru what do u want 2 eat?

June (as Ward comes home from work): How was work today, dear?

Ward: Oh, that Thompson deal...the two parties just won't agree. It's a real train wreck.

---------------

Ward (getting home, kissing June, and greeting her): Where's Beaver? I bought him some poster board for his project.

June: He's upstairs with that new friend of his, Harry.

Ward: That kid is such a nerd. I'm gonna go up there and toss him outta here.

----------

Wally (getting home): Where's the Beaver? I got somethin' I need to ask him.

Ward: He's upstairs with his Kindle, reading a Red River Sam book.

Ward: What movie are you boys going to see?

Eddie: We'e going to the Globe to see Voodoo Magic.

Ward: I don't want Beaver seeing a freak show like that. Wally, you make sure to take Beaver to see Pinocchio--it's at the Valencia.

Ward: What movie are you boys going to see?

Eddie: We'e going to the Globe to see Voodoo Magic.

Ward: I don't want Beaver seeing a freak show like that. Wally, you make sure to take Beaver to see Pinocchio--it's at the Valencia.

Ward- What’s Voodoo Magic rated? Wally- I think it’s Restricted but Beaver can get in with me. I guess it’s R for violence and suggestive nudity.

I was gonna say that Beaver and Wally were gonna stay in all weekend and binge watch Breaking Bad.

Ward: "What's the matter, Beaver?"

Beaver: "I did something bad. Real bad. So bad, I'm afraid to tell you."

Ward: "Well, don't sugar-coat it. Just hit me with it."

Beaver: "Well, I, uh..."

Ward: "Just spit it out, boy."

"Wally and Dudley":

June: Ward, I hope Wally does a good job of protecting Dudley at the party tonight.
Ward: Oh, no. Dudley's not a snowflake. He's going to have to make it on his own.

June (to above): If Eddie is mean to him, at least maybe Dudley can find a safe space.
Ward: Oh, that's right, dear--what was I thinking? Maybe I can phone Mr. Staples and ask him to keep an eye on Dudley.

Eddie “Wow that Dudley is a major wimp. He should lose the hat and that suit. Wait until they check him out at the party, he’ll be a total Nothingburger.”

Eddie: That's all we need: more nerds and geeks. We don't need another Tooey. And maybe I will have a hunk of milk.

(Ward and Beaver are driving over to see Mr. Purcell about that little thief, Kenneth)

Beaver: That Kenneth is gonna lie and say he didn't do it. That rat! Rat, rat, rat!

Ward: Don't worry, Beaver. I got your back.

“I got your back bro.” So over used.

Can’t stand that expression!!

We might have pointed this out before, but I hate it when wait people call everyone "you guys."

For example in Beaver Won't Eat, the waitress could have said, Hi, how are you guys tonight?

What did the waitress say? I don’t like you guys either. I also don’t like when the wait staff introduces themselves like they are coming home with you. “ Hi I’m Gina and I’ll be your waitress for this evening.” I guess I don’t hate that as much as when somebody scooches down by your table so they don’t look down on you.

June: There are little bugs all over the shrubs. You need to spray them.

Ward: I'll do it tomorrow. Right now I wanna be a couch potato. My motto is, When in doubt, chill out.

We might have pointed this out before, but I hate it when wait people call everyone "you guys."

For example in Beaver Won't Eat, the waitress could have said, Hi, how are you guys tonight?

That's not half as bad as waiters saying "Are you still working on that?"

That's not half as bad as waiters saying "Are you still working on that?"

“Why do you want it?”

June: Beaver got a D in physical education. If this keeps up he won't be able to play basketball in the park league.

Ward: That sucks. What's up with that?

Merchant Marines

Wally: I did try to call from a phone booth but the line was busy.

Beaver: Maybe you should have called back.

Wally: Then I’d spend the whole night in a phone booth. Dad told me he didn’t want any @*~•¥€ from me.

Beaver (continuing): He should watch his language. Look at the trouble I got in with Miss Landers last year.

Wally: He figures I've heard it before. 'Member, I'm in high school. Anyway, I told ya not to talk to me. Now go #$@?% off.

LOL

Beaver: Hey Mom and Dad, I was named Junior Fire Chief at school.

Ward: Well Beaver, I'm glad that Miss Landers has empowered you to make a difference in the community.

(continuing)

June: Yes, Beaver, remember--it takes a village.

(continuing)

June: Yes, Beaver, remember--it takes a village.

Beaver: Village? You mean like in that movie Wally and I saw with the creepy kids? That movie scared the #$@?% outa me.

June: Beaver! You know I don't like you and Wally using that word.

Beaver: Sorry, mom. 'Out of'.

Ward: Beaver, you know that's not what your mother means.

Beaver: OK--that movie scared the cr@p out of me.

Ward: Cr@p out of me, what?

Beaver: Cr@p out of me, sir.

Beaver comes down to breakfast wearing his alien sweatshirt with three eye balls.

June: Oh no Beaver are you forgetting it’s a school day? Go upstairs and change.

Ward: That’s right Beaver go up and put on a regular shirt.

Beaver: But gee Mom and Dad today is casual Friday and all the kids can dress down.
Wally: That’s right Dad even in offices on Friday they wear golf shirts, no ties, jeans and offensive sneakers.

Ward: I don’t care if the teacher wears a spandex bathing suit. Beaver is not going to school wearing that hideous face.

Ward adds: Or that sweatshirt. LOL June! I got a good zinger on him! Suddenly I feel like I should have the name Al Bundy or Frank Barone.

Only if Ward sits on the sofa with his hand down the front of his pants.

This should be retitled "Things Ward Wouldn't Do!"

Ward: I've got to hand it to you, Wally, you're really rocking that plaid suit. Way to go!

Ward: Wow! Awesome catch, Beaver!

Ward: What do you do at the mall, Wally? Just hang out?

Yeah, "mess around" was the 50s equivalent of "hang out."

If it was an 1980s Ward, he might have asked Wally, What did you do at the mall, play video games?

Yeah, in "The Happy Weekend" the boys would want to play video games instead of going on the camping trip. Then during the trip, if it were the 2000s, Beaver would be begging Ward to let him send photos to his pals on Instagram and Facebook.

"Beaver, we won't have any texting during dinner."

Ward: Let's all go to the White Fox.

Beaver: Gee, Dad, Wally said the fish with the nuts was 7.50. And that was the cheapest thing on the menu.

Ward: I'm game if you all are.

Today the soup would probably be $10 and the main dish $28. Wally would end up spending upwards of $60 for dinner for him and Julie Foster.

Instead the fish with nuts and the tossed salad with White Fox dressing was only 14.60? I believe they also had coffee and that 15% tip. One big spender. He even had enough for dessert unless he brought Julie back for a Mayfield Dairy sundae.

They could have gone to the Malt Shop and had a Beaver Special (with prune for a football) for dessert.

That’s right the Beaver Special at the malt shop. Speaking of Julie and Wally at the White Fox didn’t she think Wally was so sophisticated and would “never forget this night as long as I live.” Well it didn’t take long for her to go for Wayne “Gregory” who was so adult and sophisticated. Wally was too naive and immature.

Didn't she say to Wally(at the WF) -- I never knew you were like this. ?

Then she saw the mustache (on Wayne). And she turned from adult and sophisticated to teenager and immature.

Yeah Julie was pretty fickle. Love how at the last senior dance he doesn’t take his two main squeezes, Julie and Maryellen he asks a whole new girl, Kathy Gregory.

Yeah, and he picks one with a beast of a father. Not that Mary Ellen's was any better, from the one look we got at him.

"Wally and Dudley":

June: Take the phone, dear. It's Ruth McMillan.

Ward: Wait, what?

June: Honey, I've talked about her a thousand times! Ruth McMillan. We went to school together. She just moved in town and has a son named Dudley who's Wally's age.

Ward: Seriously, June? You hand me a phone and expect me to talk to a total stranger? That's so random! You chicks can handle your own chit chat. I've got other fish to fry. Oh, and I'll bet this Dudley is a real dork.

Ward, talking to June about Jackie Waters:

Gad, how can Beaver stand that kid? He's a geek...a nerd. And a lisp at his age? They need to take him to the orthodontist. Ain't no way I can stand him for the whole weekend.

Ward- “Wow that Chopper kid has a lot of baggage. All those step mothers and half brothers. Wonder how he keeps it all straight. Beaver was asking any chance we might call it quits probably so he can get lots of presents. I think Beaver needs to see a therapist and quick.”

Ward - What's up with Wally and all these main squeezes? Mary Ellen, Julie, Kathy, Lori-Ann, Shirley, Marlene (pauses), Marlene (smiles)...did I already mention her?..., Carol, Alma, Kitty, Margie, Ginny, Frances, Carolyn, Penny...that's really going back...but need I say more? This guy needs to settle down.

June - I don't agree with you--you seem to want my baby to go steady. I don't want some high school siren to get my boy in her clutches. I'm fine with Wally having so many of what you call squeezes. And, by the way, what's with the smiles and faraway looks when you mention Marlene?

Very funny! You remembered that Ward thought Marlene was "attractive."

Let’s not forget Evelyn, Wally went to play bridge at her sister’s apartment with Ryan O’Neal. No one should socialize with Ryan. June thought Wally was thinking of throwing in the towel.

Oh, yeah...how could Ward forget the Boothybys, and Evelyn? After all, he later worked with Bill. Without Bill, he never would have found out about the Camel Back Cutoff shenanigans.

Yes, that Evelyn. June was really concerned about her. But not so much later, when Wally had to be driven to the dance by her. When Evelyn had a different daddy.

At least she was still Evelyn Boothby. Mary Ellen Rogers took a hiatus to play Myra Parker for some reason. Then there’s Shirley Fletcher the insipid back seat driver who kept her name to become Wally’s amicable date who advised Eddie to stop demanding Wally push Lump’s heap. Same girl but a complete transformation.

And the paper girl took a hiatus to be Donna Yeager in More Blessed to Give.

My favorite is when Mr. Willet-Hadlock became Mr. Blair. He looked like a different man.

Beaver: Today, instead of tumblin', we had baseball.

Ward: How'd you do?

Beaver: You don't wanna know.

Ward: OK, boy, we'll just go with your other B plusses and be happy with that.

June is in the living room listening to a record of classical music. Wally enters.

Wally: Hey Mom, what are you doing?

June: Just retreating into my "happy place," Wally.

Wally: What do you mean?

June: I'm binge-listening one of my favorite operas, Lucia di Lamermoor. I saw this opera in the Big Apple once.

Wally: I didn't know you were ever in New York.

June: Oh yes. I went to operas and plays. I went to a fight in Madison Square Garden.

Wally: Did you stand up and holler?

June: Of course I did.

Wally: Gee, it's kinda weird thinking of your mother acting like a fan girl.

June is straightening up in the boys' bedroom. Ward enters.

June: Ward, look what I found while rummaging around in Wally's trash basket.

Ward: June, you are borderline obsessed. Why do you have to be such a helicopter mom?

Ward to Beaver: Don’t show up for Sunday Schools in your fresh pressed suit; your dirty jeans will be just fine.

Beaver: Dad, I got a big problem. I gotta explain this one to ya. Blah, blah, etc.

Ward (5 minutes later): OK, boy, now slow down and let's unpack this problem.

Ward to Eddie: You know Eddie, me and Mrs. Cleaver are really getting tired of all your phony unctuousness, so why don’t you, Gertrude and Sam all put a sock in it!

Ward to Eddie: You know Eddie, me and Mrs. Cleaver are really getting tired of all your phony unctuousness, so why don’t you, Gertrude and Sam all put a sock in it!

I don't remember what episode it was, but Ward was going to tell Eddie off, but Wally stopped him.

Ward to Beaver: You know Beaver, me and your mother think it was just swell that you spent $50 on that sweater you ended up trashing. Feel free to do it anytime.

I don't remember what episode it was, but Ward was going to tell Eddie off, but Wally stopped him.

That was just on MeTV the other day. The boys and Ward were in the bedroom getting stuff together for a rummage sale, and Beaver sent Ward into the bathroom for something. Eddie came in and didn't know Ward was in earshot. Wally explained what they were doing, and Eddie made a nasty comment about Ward using it as a tax deduction. Ward then appeared, and made a sarcastic comment back. Ward was about to exit, and turned around and said, Let me tell you something, Eddie. Wally waved Ward off, and Ward obliged.

Then Eddie wants Wally to go with him to the drugstore, where Eddie's supposed girlfriend Carolyn, who calls him Peachy, is with her friend having a soda. Later Wally comes into the store again to pick up pictures, and overhears the girls talking again, and Carolyn is badmouthing Eddie. Ward eventually advises Wally to tell Eddie what he heard, which turns out to be bad advice--and Eddie storms out, vowing to Ward that he'll never return. Meanwhile Beaver had hidden under the bed and heard the whole Wally/Eddie blowup. Later Eddie asks Beaver's help in smoothing the way for Eddie to apologize to Wally.

June: After your haircut, weren't you going to pick up some things for me at the store?

Ward: Oops, my bad, I forgot. I read a very interesting article at the barber shop and it sidetracked me.

Ward to June: I’m tired of seeing you peel vegetables every day in your pearls; I think we should eat dinner out every weeknight for the next year.

"Eddie's Double Cross" was a great episode.

"Eddie's Double Cross" was a great episode.

I’ll have to go back and re-watch it. Yes Eddie could be such a weasel. But as someone else pointed out, Gilbert was much more diabolical.

A thread titled, Who was worse, Eddie or Gilbert would be interesting. Would Gilbert take Beaver's (or anyones's) report card and alter a grade? (Of course, someone might say, wait 'til he's Eddie's age, and that would be a good point.)

I think the worst thing Gilbert did was having Beaver make a face in the class picture.

“Fred, I’m sick and tired of you bragging about your son, who we all know is a big fat frickin Idiot!”

A thread titled, Who was worse, Eddie or Gilbert would be interesting. Would Gilbert take Beaver's (or anyones's) report card and alter a grade? (Of course, someone might say, wait 'til he's Eddie's age, and that would be a good point.)

I think the worst thing Gilbert did was having Beaver make a face in the class picture.

The difference though is, Eddie changed the grade without Beaver's involvement. With Gilbert and the picture, Beaver was dumb enough to fall for the trick. Yes it was mean of Gilbert, BUT he wouldn't do those things if Beaver wasn't gullible enough to fall for it, same as Whitey and the Soup Bowl, and Larry and the Spanking Machine.

Yes, both Eddie and Gilbert (and others) regularly exploited Beaver's gullibility.

And it continued even as he got older (Sweatshirt Monsters, the football banquet).

Beaver: Isn't that enough lecture, Dad?

Ward: Not yet. I'm on a roll.

Ward was explaining to June about how a cat’s whisker worked. He turns around and she’s walked out of the kitchen.

Ward: Hey come back here and stop walking away when you asked me a question. The other day you asked what a monkey fist was and you disappeared while I was talking. You’re rude.

June (as she and Ward are sitting on the sofa): Ward, what are you thinking about?

Ward: I'm not thinking about anything.

June: You must be thinking about something.

Ward: All right, if you must know, I'm thinking about how tired I am of you asking me what I'm thinking about.

Ward to Eddie: “The way you changed Beaver’s grade was very clever. Would you like to help me with my company’s books?”

June (as she and Ward are sitting on the sofa): Ward, what are you thinking about?

Ward: I'm not thinking about anything.

June: You must be thinking about something.

Ward: All right, if you must know, I'm thinking about how tired I am of you asking me what I'm thinking about.

🤣

Ward to Eddie: “The way you changed Beaver’s grade was very clever. Would you like to help me with my company’s books?”

🤣

Beaver: Dad, I finally made the park league. He took me 'cause I finally passed 'im the ball without throwin' it over his head.

Ward: Wow, dude, really? High fives!

“It didn’t matter to you that I got that autographed baseball when I was 17 and was planning to sell it on EBay. I probably could have gotten a few hundred. It didn’t matter to you that much did it?

No sir!

No sir?

All these old players are all dead and they were some of the greats.

Wally- Ya Beaver that baseball was pure gold as an auction piece. Leila Dunbar would put a good price on Babe Ruth on the sweet spot.

^The dialog of that "real" scene was great writing. Beaver says no sir, Ward says No sir? Beaver then says something like, I thought that was what you wanted me to say.

To Miss Rayburn: I’m tired of you or Miss Landers complaining about the Beaver: go blow it out your ear!

Ward: Wally, I wish you would dress more hip so you would get more wild girls. (LOL)

Ward to Lumpy: Hello you big lummox. And what did you get an F in today?

LOL

Ward says to June: “Wow she’s a babe. If Wally throws Marlene under a bus I’ll go hang out at Hank’s and ask for a dance. Draw two!”

Beaver: Watcha doin'?

Ward: I'm filling the cigarette lighter.

Beaver: Why? Nobody smokes around here.

Ward: Where have you been? I smoke like a stack.

Larry: Beaver, I love smoking coffee grounds. I think I'll start a new trend. I got a great buzz going.

Ward: Beaver, your friend Larry is a real trend-setter!

June: I don’t want to look at you peeeling carrots ever again! Let’s eat out in expensive restaurants every day for the next year!

Beaver: I hate Brussel Sprouts and I'm never going to eat them ever again!!!

Ward: That's perfectly fine, Beav. I hate green vegetables too and I wish I could eat pie for breakfast but June won't let me.

Ward: Fred, your son Clarence is so smart, can he help Wally with his Calculus homework?

Ward: "Wally's studying for that history test on Monday. Shouldn't you boys be studying too? I hear Old Man Gannon is a real Scrooge and marks very hard especially those essays.

Eddie: "Well Ward when you do all your homework and study in your spare time you don't have to cram at the last minute. Lumpy and I are calling on some friends this morning."

Ward: "You have friends?"

Ward to Mrs. Rayburn: I think the funny face Beaver made in the class photo was a hoot, so back off!

Ward to Mrs. Rayburn: I rather liked Beaver's sweatshirt. You and your prude teacher had a problem with it?

Ward to Beaver: Beaver, I thought it was very adventurous of you to climb up on the billboard. And by the way, what kind of soup was it?

Ward: You climbed that tree pretty good. I'll give ya ten bucks if you jump down from up there. I'll try and catch ya (wink).

Ward: I think your Aunt Martha is a fantastic cook. Her beet loaf was to die for!

Ward: You boys tried to fool Benji by having Beaver hide in the wood box? I'd give anyhting to have you just stay in there. I'd bring you food every four hours.

Ward to June: Get off the Beaver’s case and stop pressuring him to eat those vile smelling Brussels Sprouts.

Ward to June: I wish that library cop had put Beaver in jail, and I told him so when he called.

Ward to Uncle Billy: June thinks you’re a flake and wants you to visit us as little as possible.

Ward to Uncle Billy: Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to call you a big bag of wind. So why don't you just blow on out of here?

Ward to Mrs. Rayburn: Oh put a sock in it you pompous old biddy!

Ward to Dudley MacMillan: No offense, Dud, but maybe you should lose the hat and overcoat. You'll risk looking like a dork in front of the other guys.

Ward to Lumpy: I’m working on a complex accounting problem and I’m just stumped. Could you ask your daddy if you can help me with it?

^ Lumpy: Gee, I don't know, Mr. Cleaver. He's mad 'cause I asked him to get me another Captain Video space helmet. I broke my first one when I sat on it.

Ward: Well, he's always saying you're studying your calculus, and I just figured you're real smart when it comes to math.

Ward to June: That pearl necklace you wear every day makes me so hot.

Ward to Mrs. Rayburn: I know you think I donated those suits to the clothing drive but only an idiot could believe I would give up three perfect suits to the homeless. They are mine and please go get them. Why don’t you donate some of your x-large sweatsuits to the drive.

Ward to Mrs. Rayburn: Hey, I really dug the face Beaver made. I don't see a problem with the picture at all.

Mrs. Rayburn: Ward, you are so handsome.

Ward: All the ladies want a piece of me, Ms. R.

Ward to Beaver: I think your D in math is just fine- it’s still a grade higher than Lumpy’s.

Ward to June: Beaver got a C- in math? That's fine. I don't expect him to become an accountant anyway. He's fine just scraping by in school.

Beaver: Dad, can you take me an' Whitey fishin' at Friends Lake today?

Ward: Nope. Been there, done that.

Beaver: Dad, can you take me an' Whitey fishin' at Friends Lake today?

Ward: Nope. Been there, done that.

:lol:

June, I’m going to blow off that important meeting and call in sick today.

June: I'm not going to wear this pearl necklace anymore.

Ward: Good. How dumb do you have to be to wear pearls at home.

Beaver: “Ya Dad Eddie works at Parker Pet Store and was trying to tell me the number of fish in the tank. I know he shouldn’t. “

Ward: “Wow next time you see Eddie give him a few bucks and he’ll tell you the number. That way you can win that fine puppy. I really want that dog.”

Beaver tells Ward the reason he got a good mark on Mr. Blair’s English quiz was because Wally had an old test just like it and they studied it.

Ward: “Great job. Maybe Wally has other English tests you can memorize. If Blair is using old tests and never making new ones it’s a sinch to get a good grade.”

LOL

Well, you boys are very quiet tonight. Keep it up. I love the silence.

Ward: Well, the strangest thing, Beaver. I broke this golf club last Saturday, and it seems to have repaired itself.

Beaver: Rats! I need to do more listenin' around here. Then I wouldn't have wasted my money gettin' it fixed. And on top of that, the whole thing was that sleazebag Gilbert's fault.

Ward: I admire your resourcefulness in getting it repaired. Also, keep up the good work in blaming everyone else but yourself for your gullibility. A mean father might say you're getting too old to fall in these traps, but not me!

Beaver: I'm runnin' away an' I'm not never comin' back.

Ward: Good...one less mouth to feed.

Wally: He's says he's gonna be a pirate.

June: Ward Cleaver, if he does, I'll never speak to you again.

Ward: Fine by me.

Alternate Universe Ward Cleaver is funny! :lol:

Beaver: Dad, I'm in over my head with this record club. Joining it was Gilbert's idea, as usual. I think they're gonna sue me, an' this time Mr. Compton probably won't get me out of it like when I was a kid an' wanted to be a model. You told me to come to you with these messes I'm always gettin' myself in.

Ward: I'm glad you did. Why don't you write this up as a sitcom script? It'd be the bomb. Now, I'm late for my golf date...toodles!

Eddie, me and Mrs. Cleaver think you are the most sincere and upright teenager we’ve ever met. Of course you can go up and play with young Theodore and Wallace.

Beaver: I'm runnin' away an' I'm not never comin' back.

Ward: Good...one less mouth to feed.

Wally: He's says he's gonna be a pirate.

June: Ward Cleaver, if he does, I'll never speak to you again.

Ward: Fine by me.


:lol:

June: What happened at the office today?

Ward: Nothing.

June: Something must have happened.

Ward: As you know, dear, nobody knows what I do. So, again, nothing. Went to work. Had lunch. Ate it. Came home. Want me to put it in a diary?

Mrs. Mondello, your son is as big as a house and so are you. You both should go on diets!

Wally: “Wow Dad if you had let us buy Jet Electro like Eddie suggested we’d be looking at a $500 increase as it’s up to $3.00 a share.”

Ward: “I know and boy am I dumb. That Mayfield Power and Light is for little old ladies. I really led you down the garden path and wish I was dead. You coulda been wearing diamonds.”

Ward to Larry: Larry you look so undernourished. Would you like a big hunk of cake with three scoops of ice cream?

Ward (to Beaver, who is refusing to get dressed up for the football banquet): Put on that suit or I'm gonna kick you for a field goal.

Ward to June: Nix the pearls lover girl! I’m gonna get you a diamond broach.

June: Ward, you're home early today.
Ward: June, I think I'm going through a mid-life crisis.

Ward to Aunt Martha: Your beet loaf was really yummy. Can I have another hunk of it!

Ward to Aunt Martha: Your eggplant parmesan is to die for! And your kale kasserole...wonderful!

Ward (to Beaver, who is refusing to get dressed up for the football banquet): Put on that suit or I'm gonna kick you for a field goal.

:happyface

Ward to Aunt Martha: “I don’t know when i’ve had a better breakfast. That milk toast is to die for.”

Ward to Beaver: I’m so proud of you getting that D- in Math. You beat out Lumpy’s F!

June: Coffee, Ward?

Ward: I think I want a Venti Cappuccino. Let's go over to Starbucks.
-----------------------
Aunt Martha: Ward, another of my specialties is a sardine sandwich with mayo. Would you like one?

Ward: MMMMMM. Bring it on! Would you like one, Beaver?

Beaver: May I be excused? I think I'm gonna be sick.

Aunt Martha: Maybe some sushi, Theodore?

Beaver: Please, Dad, may I go? I might not make it if I don't.

Ward to Eddie: You are such a fine influence on my boys. I’m glad you’re their friend!

Ward, to June, at the table: The roast beef is a little tough, dear.

Ward to June: Can I have a hunk of cake too dear?

Ward to Aunt Martha: There's nothing better than your mush for breakfast.

Ward to June: Honey, why don't you wear slacks around the house so you'll be more comfortable and more hip?

Ward to Aunt Martha: Your cooking is horrific and makes me want to gag!

Ward: Beaver, you are taking too many baths. You're going to get soggy. Start taking a bath two days a week starting Monday.

Ward to Lumpy: You look a little thin, would you like me to order three pizzas for you?

Lumpy: I don't really enjoy food. Cake and pie are too sweet. I am going to start eating only vegetables all the time and nothing else.

Ward: That's fine, Clarence!

Ward to June: Ditch the pearls - I’m going to buy you a $10,000 diamond necklace.

Ward: Beaver, we want you to develop a taste for Brussels sprouts. In time, maybe you'll develop into a vegan.

Ward: Beaver, I don't want you to eat Brussels Sprouts. They are too gross. Just have a candy bar.

Ward to Mrs. Rayburn: you need to lighten up, you dour old dowager!

Ward to Wally: Wally, my boy, why don't you stop playing sports so you can save your delicate fingers to play piano.

Ward to Eddie: put a sock in it you great big b.s. artist!

Ward to Wally: Wally, my boy, why don't you stop playing sports so you can save your delicate fingers to play piano.

Actually, I kind of wish one of the boys had a musical talent. If only Ward had let Beaver keep that accordion, maybe he could have learned to play it!

Ward to Miss Rayburn: You’d look great in a bikini!

Ward: "Wally, why do you hang out with those two knuckleheads Eddie and Lumpy?"

Wally: "Just following in your footsteps, dad. How is Mr Rutherford, by the way?"

Ward to Aunt Martha: You are the craziest old biddy I’ve ever met. June has some real winners on her side of the family.

Ward to Beaver: My boy, I'm going to sign you up for accordion lessons. You have a natural talent!

Ward: "Wally, why do you hang out with those two knuckleheads Eddie and Lumpy?"

Wally: "Just following in your footsteps, dad. How is Mr Rutherford, by the way?"

:lol:

:lol::crazy::D

To Fred Rutherford: oh quit bragging about your boy-we all know he’s a big fat doofus.

Ward to Fred (sobbing): Why can't MY sons be as great as YOUR son Clarence?!?!?!? WHY?!?

Ward to June: Lose the pearls, here’s a diamond broach

Ward: Beaver, I kind of like the crushed baseball with Augie Doggie's signature. It has a certain je ne sais quois.

Wally, why do you mainly date clean-cut girls? Switch it up now and then, and take out a wicked city girl!

Beaver, why did you stop wearing that girl's sweater? You looked really smashing in it!

Beaver, let's do a deep dive and find out why you can't figure out fractions.

Wally, why can't you be more like your smart friend Eddie?

Fred, why is it that your son Clarence and daughter Violet don't look at all like brother and sister?

Fred, I know you're taller than I am, but I'm not fond of looking up to you.

June, what do you do in here all day? Why haven't you gone stark raving mad yet?

June: Ward, don't be such a fuddy duddy.

Ward: I was nothing like Beaver when I was his age.

Beaver: Gee, Dad, was that a crack?

Ward: Not really, just an observation.

Ward: I never talk about old girlfriends and how things were in my day.

Ward: I had so many girlfriends, I had to beat them off with a stick.

June: What was that Dear?

Ward: I said this stew is too salty. Where did you learn to cook?

Ward: Look, Beaver, I will NOT punish you. I KNOW that Larry put you up to this. I will call Mrs. Mondello right now and hopefully she will straighten him out. (while dialing) I HOPE she isn’t on the Batman set right now.

[Note: Lotta pages here. Shouldn’t this thread be a sticky?]

cd

Ward: Im pi$$ed. Everything is crapola now!!

Ward: Miss Marlene Holmes is a real Babe!

Ward: I gotta admit, I was wrong, Beaver.

Beaver: Mom, you know where you can stick those Brussels sprouts?

Ward: Now that's funny.

Ward: I'm getting tired of telling stories from when I was a boy.

Ward to June: “June, we really should try to locate Mr. Jeff and invite him over for dinner. I bet he looks great in my Brooks Brothers suit.”

Beaver: “I’m way cooler than Wally. And, after I start classes at Mayfield High School next month, I’m going to become a member of The Barons.”

Ward probably wouldnt say: Ah man!!

Ward: Sure, Eddie, I'll recommend you to the coach, for the football team. Any position you want.

Ward: Lets party!!

Ward: I'm getting tired of telling stories from when I was a boy.

For some reason this post from 2023 made me laugh really hard for 2 minutes! :lol::eek:

Ward: Good heavens, Junie, could you maybe wear something besides pearls for a change? (rolls eyes)

Ward: "abcdefgeeeeeeeeeeeeehijklmnopeeeeeeeeeqrstuveeeeeeeeeeeewxy and zeeeeeeeeeeee now I've sung my ABCeeeeeeeeeeees,next time wont you sing with meeeeeeeee"

Ward: I'm going to sell this old rust bucket car of mine and buy a Ferrari!

Ward: Im sick of it all!!

Ward, to Beaver: It's ALWAYS about you or Wally, and I've had that up to here!

Ward: I hate it when the double L rings and I answer but they dont say a thing!!!!

Ward: Wally, you're a man now. Stop crying over your pug nose and deal with it like a real man.

Ward: I'm tired of yelling at you boys.

Ward: I will never understand why I had children.

An obviously fed-up Ward, tired of listening to Fred Rutherford drone on for way too many years about how “smart,” “urbane” and “talented” his son, Clarence, is.

“Fred, when ‘Lumpy’ hits thirty, do you think that he’ll be as much of a chrome-dome as you are?”