^LOL

Ward: That Fred has gotten out of control, I might have to hire a hitman to off him.

Ward: Julie, I'd be glad to give you a tour of our upstairs.

Ward: Wally, you really need to date more girls, you're so handsome just like I was at your age, Boy! Be a swinger! Don't waste your youth!

Ward: Beaver you're too naive. Bring Penny over here and I'll give you some pointers on what to do.

Ward: I've got moves that will curl her toes, Boy, trust me!

Ward: Really, Beaver, you should see me. (pauses) Nah, maybe not.

Ward: Hey, Wally, dig this new chick who just moved in next door. Don't tell your mother I said that.

(Wally: That could be arranged, if the price is right.)

Ward: Why, you money-grubbing teenager! I'll fix your wagon!!

June: “Hi, Ward. Would you like some freshly made iced-tea or perhaps a glass of milk?”

Ward: “I tell you, June. After a hard day at the office, iced-tea or milk just isn’t go to make it. Why don’t we drive down to Hank’s Place and have a couple of cold beers?”

Ward thinks: Hmmm, as an added bonus, maybe Marlene is there.

Ward: What next???

Ward: Hey, Junie, now you're cooking with fire! Ditch the pearls and put on something in denim. Really live it up!

Ward: Yeah, Junie, the more I think about it, you need some of those form-fitting jeans that look like they were painted on. Ooh, la la!

Beaver: “Dad, my friend Gilbert said that Wally’s date, Marlene Holmes, is a ‘woman of the world.’ What does that mean exactly?”

Ward: “Ask your mother, Beaver.”

Ward: Okay, I will try to explain. A woman of the world is just a woman who has been places, you know, like on the globe.

Beaver: OK. What is a dive?

Ward: You don't know what a dive is? Now I know why Wally calls you dumb, Put your hands together with your arms in a V and lean forward.

Ward: Beaver, what are you asking? What is a dive BAR? Oh, boy. Let Eddie handle that one.

(Beaver: Oh, a bar is a dive. Now I get it.)

Ward: 'Bout time!

Ward: It's Miller time! Junie, pop me a cold one!

(Beaver: I don't know anybody named Miller.)

Ward: Did anyone ever tell you you're dumber'n a box of rocks?

(Beaver: Benji thought I WAS a rock once.)

Ward: Well you do seem to have marbles in your head, Beaver. Now go get me a beer, Boy! Hurry!

(Beaver [mumbles]: Who was your slave last year?)

Ward: I heard that! I'm gonna smack you upside the head.

(June: Now, Ward, let's not go crazy, shall we?)

Ward: Oh, Junie, Honey, don't tell me how to act in my own house!!!! (shouts)

Ward, upon hearing the news that Aunt Martha would not be visiting the Cleaver family this year: “Thank you, Jesus!!!”

:lol::lol:

Ward to Fred: Fred, sometimes I wonder, what are we doing? What is it all for? Just to raise a family? To put food in their mouths. Meh, it's boring here.

Ward: Aunt Martha, your beet soufflé makes me throw up. I'm getting nauseous just saying it.

(Aunt Martha: Blow it out your ear, you old goat! Junie could have married a football star!)

Ward: Shut up you old bag!!

As Ward and June walk out of the Mayfield Cinema after having just watched Marilyn Monroe and Tom Ewell in the film, “The Seven Year Itch,” June says to Ward, “Could you ever imagine a happily married man, just throwing his marriage away to chase after some nubile, young girl?”

To which Ward very quickly (not to mention, very wisely) replied, “No, dear, I couldn’t see a happily married man ruining his home life for the sake of a possible fling with a curvaceous young woman,” as Ward and June just happened to pass by Mayfield Cinema ticket cashier Marlene Holmes.

"June, come out to the driveway and see our new chopper motorcycle! The dealer threw in a whole bunch of black leather gear when I traded in the family car...!"

(June: You traded our sedan for a motorcycle?)

Ward: Yes, Junie. And when I take you for a ride, I'd suggest you tape your dress hem to your knees. We wouldn't want you flapping in the wind, or showing off your girdle.

(June: I don't wear a girdle, Dumbo, I'm lithe naturally.)

Ward: You've gotten a bit chunkier over the years, Dear. Don't lie.

(June: Chunky? Nothing compared to your beer belly.)

Ward: Beer belly? Shut your mouth! My stomach is flat as a pancake.

June cackling...

Ward: You could iron clothes on my ironing board chest it's so flat. But don't try it, Witch!

(June: 40 chest and 60 belly)

Ward: Excuse me, Im late for meeting Marlene at Hank's. We're gonna dance up a storm!

[The whole family is out by the newly-fixed car, ready for a picnic, although the house’s front door is not yet closed.]

[Phone in the house rings]
***RRRRRIIINNNGGGGG***
Wally (speaking more loudly than usual): That’s the phone, Dad.
Ward: Well, DUHHHHH!

(This was a reference to an episode where Ward’s car needed major work while he was away; Wally/Eddie/Lumpy got together to pay for repair, and they almost got away with it until the phone rang. Ward’s severe overacting by saying “Oh, that’s the phone! I will get it!” was really oddball.)

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Hehehe Ward should have been happy he didnt have to pay!!

WARD: Wally your a piece of ________. Your lucky I didnt have to pay you motha ____ :D

He wouldnt say that we know for sure!!! (Not on the air anyway :D)

Ward: Wally you have a pug nose that girls like, play it up! Get the girls with it! Use what God gave you, boy!

Ward: Beaver, I admit I was wrong. Forget Peggy MacIntosh. Melinda is one hot babe! Ditch the dodo.

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^LOL

Ward: C'mere, son. Now, Beaver, if you really want some action--you need to get friendly with Marlene.

Beaver: Marlene?

Ward: YES, son! Wally struck out, but she could teach you a thing or two. You need to learn the facts of life, and heaven only knows, if your mother caught me talking to you about that...well...

Beaver: Dad, I hate to tell you this, but the Jumbotron showed you and Marlene on the Coldplay concert KissCam in Mayfield last night. It’s viral, Dad.
Ward: Uh oh, June might not have noticed—but that busybody Fred Rutherford….Could you do me a favor, Beav, and pack my bags?

[Just a joke, ppl. In all honesty, it was a shame. Ten seconds ruined a career and a family. :( Social media will ruin you every time. Just a heads up.]

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^LOL, again. Beaver in the 21st century!

Ward: On second thought, Beaver, be a pal to your ol' dad. Your mother is frying some bacon--go upstairs--you know where she keeps her phone. On the table next to her bed (some things never change!). Take it and shove it under my mattress. I don't want her anywhere near social media for a few days. If you do this, maybe I won't have to pack and leave.

Beaver: What's in all this for me? Giving you the warning was a freebie.

^

Ward: Now Beav, don’t be channeling Eddie.

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Ward (on the phone): Excuse ME, Mr. Yeager? My son won that locket, and he and Donna are an item now. Deal with it.

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Ward: Beaver, I was on the extension when you were talking to Melinda. Here's some advice, boy. She's hot--there's something about those Southern girls. Take HER to the dance and ditch the dodo.

Ward (after “encouraging” Beaver, turning his head now): And as for you, Wally….that Carole at the tennis court—-hubba hubba! About her boyfriend: take my #1 driver outta my golf bag, and this is what you’ll do to him—-[whispering—typical of a sitcom]

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Wally and Beaver, in unison: You're teaching us the right stuff, Dad!

Ward: I'll get you both married off. And make sure the bride's family pays for the weddings (roaring laugh).

Ward: You scumbag!!

Ward: So THAT’S what you called Arthur after he tripped you? Aww, Beaverrrrr….I have heard worse things in the Seabees, not to mention late nights on CBS. In fact, that’s exactly what I have felt like calling Fred Rutherford.

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Ward: Wally, I really gotta hand it to you. You always seem to attract the right kind of girl. You really have perspicacity! I used that word only one other time, to that Courier-Sun circulation guy—-but at that time I didn’t know what it meant. I just looked it up!!*

[*As did i!]

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Ward: I'm thinking about that little punk at the newspaper now. I shoulda decked him.
I might just go do that now.

Ward: So, Beaver….what flavor of soup was in there?

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Ward (to the fish camp worker): Well the unmitigated GALL of you, supplying your own fish for the pond and toying with my sons’ emotions! I’m reporting you to the Better Business Bureau. And don’t give me that “I’m-not-a-member” jazz!*

[*a Sanford & Son reference]

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Ward: Boys, about Nick…..ya know, with the price of beef going sky high….well….er….umm….

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:horse:

Ward: You know Junie sometimes your son Beaver can be a real idiot. He gets that from your side of the family you know. Not from my side.

Ward (in low voice, to Beaver, in the garage): Now Beaver, once you have changed here from that Fauntleroy outfit Aunt Martha gave you, don’t go to school YET. March on into the house and tell that Brunson idiot to take a long walk off a short pier.

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Ward (writing a letter to the Varela family in his limited Spanish, talking as he writes): “Para…la…familia…Varela……..Lo…siento…que…su…hijo….realmente….tenga…una…cara….como….puerco……….No…es….nuestra….culpa……….Beaver….y….Eddie….tieneeeeeen….razón………Sinceramente,…..Warrrrrd….Cleaver.” Ahhh that’ll do it.

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(Mid-to-late '60s comment:)

"Beaver you used to be such a cute little kid. But now...
Maybe a full mustache will help get you some ladies, because Lord knows that face of yours needs something...!"

[also final season]

Ward: Wally, about that two-face Julie Foster—for falling for that mustache guy, then laughing at yours—you shoulda told her to go back to the Mickey Mouse Club.

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Ward: Why did I marry this woman? She's such a bore. I could have had someone hot and smoking to come home to but I had to go for safe and homey.

Ward: I'm really sick of her goody two shows sh**. I WANT MARLENE! I wanna drive the car and have to fight off my woman! Or pretend to try!

Ward (on the phone): Miss Tomkins, ya know, you did my boy Theodore something dirty. If you wish not for me to get my lawyer, Miss T, listen carefully. A—go out and buy Theodore the best radio you can. B—go out and get an LP of Indian music. YOU GOT THE $89. No excuse. I admit if this were the year 2025, you couldn’t afford it. But get with it, woman. *click*

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Ward (also on the phone): The bank gave me your number. Listen, lady, you had my kid mow your lawn and your check bounced higher than a beach ball at Friends Lake.

Perhaps you've seen my lawyer, George Compton, on the Mayfield morning news. He'll go after that $5 like I go after a banana split. You dig?

So, I'm sendin' my friend Fats over for the money. My kid wants cash this time. CLICK.

(^ I forgot the name of that lawyer, so I didn’t say. Thanks!)

Ward: Boys, boys, boys! You should know by now, whenever you’re in trouble, no matter how big the problem, you can always come to me!

Even if it results in me beating you within an inch of your life, you can always come to me!

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Ward (continues): Like the time you let that bum in the house. Or when you changed your report card...

Beaver: But I didn't...

Ward: Shut up. Let me finish. Or when you let the bathtub run over. (gets angrier with each thought out loud) Or when you drank from Andy's bottle...

Beaver: I didn't do that...

Ward: STOP INTERRUPTING! Go out to the garage. You're gonna get it with the belt. Or your mother's hairbrush.

[ ^ SMH….anyway… ]

Ward (to Beaver): Oh suuuuuuure you were on Teenage Forum today. You have embarrassed the family with that lie. Fred Rutherford wouldn’t let me hear the end of it. The kids in school were right: you could get that transistor radio anywhere. I wouldn’t even be surprised if you stole it.

C’mon, Beaver—to the woodshed. When I’m done with you, you won’t have the ability to Tell It to Ella.

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(at the wood shed)

Ward: ...and this is for the time you weren't playing basketball but you told us you were!

Beaver: But I never said...

And again, you embarrassed me and I involved Fred, thinking you were there. And he found out you tried to get that tire you "flatted" fixed without me finding out...but Fred saw you out the window, rolling the tire. You know he eventually found out it was YOU! (he pauses, then he softens his tone)

Of course, I've found out about a lot of Lumpy's faults, too.

Beaver: May I go in now, sir? I need to lie down 'cause I can't sit down.

Ward (totally calm now): Yes, son. Go on in.

Ward, pulling visiting Miss Landers aside, out of June's earshot:

"Alice, I've talked to Miss Canfield and she's open to doing a threesome with me. What do you say, will you join us?"

LOL^

Ward, pulling visiting Miss Landers aside, out of June's earshot:

"Alice, I've talked to Miss Canfield and she's open to doing a threesome with me. What do you say, will you join us?"

June (she hears anyway): What do I say? I say, get outta my house!

Ward: Why don't you go see Captain Drake? I hear he's putting together another fishing trip. You'd just be cleaning them, and you're used to cleaning.

WARD: Swear after Swear :D

Ward to Fred Rutherford:

"Fred, Wally tells me that Clarence has to go get weekly 'quick-charges' on his decrepit old car battery. Are you such miserable cheapskate that you won't buy your son a decent battery?"

Ward to Fred Rutherford:

"Fred, Wally tells me that Clarence has to go get weekly 'quick-charges' on his decrepit old car battery. Are you such miserable cheapskate that you won't buy your son a decent battery?"

Fred: Old man, methinks that is none of your Seabees wax. And, byyyyyy the way, how was your lad Theodore able to swipe that transistor radio?

(Sorry, off the thread title.)

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(bringing it back, lol!)

Ward: Listen, skinhead, he was getting a drink of water, and that's why you didn't see him--so he got the gift. I'd like to have seen Clarence on that program--all he'd probably say is, I want daddy!

Ward: "June, when you used to put your hair up, and wore those little pillbox hats, you looked irresistibly sexy...!"

Ward: You know, Wally, I never told you this….but I commend you on having Eddie as a best friend. He looks at things differently whan we do, and you can use some of his knowledge as you grow up. Like Eddie said once, you needn’t go out in the world and get slaughtered.

Yes, Eddie has quite the insight. Perspicacity, if you will.

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Hey Wally, your friend Eddie is a total creeper.

Ward: Beaver, now Andy is in treatment again. How about a nice Honolulu Punch?
Beaver: Sure!
***POW!***

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Ward: Beaver, want a Hertz donut?

Beaver: Sure!

Ward: ***POW!***

Ward: Hurts, don't it? hahahahahahahaha

June: Beaver! Where did you get TWO black eyes?

Ward: Hey Beav! Your mom did great, getting those dress shoes at Goodwill, AND we saved money. The shoes DO need shining, however. My injury to my left arm in the Seabees means that I can’t properly buff those shoes for you—so, whaddya think, if I provided a shiner for you?
Beaver: Sure!
***POW!!***
Ward: Nothing wrong with my right arm, thiugh.

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Ward: Hey, June, this meal really is not good. Where did you learn to cook?

Ward, to Fred Rutherford:

"I tell you Fred, I'd shave my head bald in exchange for getting good cooking out of June regularly..."

Ward: Hey Freddy ol' buddy ol' pal care to wife swap?

Ward: You know, Beaver, again I gave you bad advice…..I just came back from the market with cans of Fancy Feast. So, when that cat Bootsie comes back, give her one can a day. …..She will return to our house each day. After a while, Bootsie’s owner will increase her offer to $50 a day to get her back. …..We can make some serious jack outta this, eh Beav?

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Ward: Pull down your blue jeans I'm taking off my belt!!

Ward: What the???

Ward: Pull down your blue jeans I'm taking off my belt!!

Beaver: Gee, Wally, Dad thinks bottoms are jus' for spankin'.

Ward: You bet your sweet a$$ I do!

Ward: "To be honest with you, boys, I didn't do much of anything in the Seabees aside from ogling pin-up pictures 24/7..."

Ward: Sooooo, you’re Alma’s mother, and Wally is seeing your daughter. I think he needs to KEEP seeing her. Maybe some MANNERS from us can rub off on her, and in turn YOU will adjust. Annnd, that husband of yours—he can knock off that Harpo Marx impression.

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"June, boys, I have some big news for you: I've sold our house to a doctor named Welby."

June: Ward, the school called. Beaver used a bad word again.

Ward: I'm sick of hearing from Mrs. Rayburn. It's the school's job to control the kid, not mine.

Ward: Beaver, I will treasure this book you got me for my birthday. I will read it cover to cover, and I’m gonna MAKE that million dollars. Who’s that author again…let’s see…Madoff…sounds like a shrewd entre-manure.

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Ward (to Beaver, still up the tree): Look, your mother put the book in the cookie drawer, not me. I'm going inside where it's warm--you can freeze up there for all I care.
I'll tell your mother to come out and keep you company in awhile.

Ward: Beaver, you blew it that one time….DO NOT TOUCH this replacement baseball I got. I was at loanDepot Park in Miami last weekend. It’s autographed by all the Phillies players. I had to wrestle it away from some Karen, so I’m warning you…..

….and you can tell Larry that he’s no Don Drysdale.

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Ward: Beaver, you blew it that one time….DO NOT TOUCH this replacement baseball I got. I was at loanDepot Park in Miami last weekend. It’s autographed by all the Phillies players. I had to wrestle it away from some Karen, so I’m warning you…..

….and you can tell Larry that he’s no Don Drysdale.

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(We've actually heard about this here in the midwest. Somebody on the radio said that Karen looked like Rachel Maddow. Anyway, the kid turned out the winner!)

Ward: Beaver, you did not learn your lesson with the monster sweatshirt. So here we are at the sports awards and you're still thinking you're going along with the crowd...and you're screwed again! So, be embarrassed in your sweater, and be alone, 'cause I'm leaving! By the way, if this was the year 2025, you'd probably be OVERdressed!

[ ^ not Maddow, but rather Elizabeth Warren, if you see this parody:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fHaJT-rWmhE&pp=0gcJCRsBo7VqN5tD

YouTube is churning out parodies of the “Most Interesting Man” ads using A.I., faster’n I can type! ]

Ward: So, Beaver, you’re a big star now, after one measly touchdown catch. Go down to that malt shop and down as many of those Beaver Special prune footballs you want. I hope that their restrooms are locked; it’ll serve ya right.

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^(she walks in open air with her mask on. she patrols parking lots, looking for unmasked people, to give them a dressing down. And yes she's a young Eliz. Warren!)

Ward: Beaver, yeah, go eat your Beaver Special prune football. You'll be locking yourself in the bathroom, soon.

Ward: "June, be sure to pick up a bottle of bourbon today. We're all out, and I want it for my cereal tomorrow morning..."

June: Wally, why do you and the Beaver have such toxic friends?

Ward: Boys, that was great work, raising that alligator. If nothing else, we got Minerva to hit the road.*

Let’s keep it around, for Aunt Martha’s next visit, or for Alma’s mother’s next visit. Hey—even Fred Rutherford would get a jolt!

[*I know that “Captain Jack” was the first ep produced. Was there a reason behind letting the Minerva character go right after that? She looked like she was gonna live with the Cleavers.]

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(Maybe she was a showrunner relative so they had her written in for a one-off?) (No, I checked IMDb and she had a lot of credits [Connie Gilchrist], but she was definitely a bit player on TV--all character parts, one or two episode appearances, starting in 1954.)

Ward: June, about Captain Jack--does he look like my Uncle Billy to you?

“Don’t be silly, Toto. Scarecrows don’t talk.”

Ward: June, don't you think there's more to marriage than getting together for two children?

Ward: June! I'm telling you for the last time I only want smooth peanut butter not crunchy! Darn it! (slams fist on the desk) June mumbles to herself: I'll put something in there he won't like. (giggles)

Ward: "June, be sure to pick up a bottle of bourbon today. We're all out, and I want it for my cereal tomorrow morning..."

Ward: And WHY are we out? Has Beaver been enabling Andy again?

Ward: June! I'm telling you for the last time I only want smooth peanut butter not crunchy! Darn it! (slams fist on the desk) June mumbles to herself: I'll put something in there he won't like. (giggles)

Ward: June, I heard that last mumble. Do I need to get my friend Dr. Hartley over here again?

^LOL

June: Phooey on you and your doped doctor! I should put curses on both of you!

Ward: What did you say?!

Ward: Have you been talking to my gal Angel again?

Ward: Hello Stevie (He dioesnt know Stevie :D)

Ward: "I'm sorry June, but your pearl necklace is artificial. I secretly swapped out the genuine one and hocked it a while back to support my gambling habit..."

Ward: Cut it out, Junie, or I'll go have drinks with my girlfriend who's an angel.

June: Angel-ique maybe?

Ward: You stay away from her, or I'll have her make you a lady of the night again, if you get my drift.

June: Oh pooh! Stop living in the past, Ward. I got over that a long time ago. (to herself: If he does that to me again I'll kill him and her.)

Ward: What was that, Sweetie?

Ward: I know it’s after midnight, June, but I’m hungry, and all the stores are closed. Does Beaver still have those pigeons?

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^ YIKES!

June: No but Puff Puff is around here somewhere...

Ward: I'm on it!

^ YIKES!

June: No but Puff Puff is around here somewhere...

Ward: I'm on it!

Ward: Nahhh, I feel like some Mexican food. Is Pancho around?

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^LOL

June: Si, Senor.

^ YIKES!

June: No but Puff Puff is around here somewhere...

Ward: I'm on it!

Ward: Wait...Bootsie has more meat on him. Call Mrs. Prentiss.

Ward: That Fred down at the office is a real dip.

Ward: Lets goto Burger King,I want a whopper!

Ward: "Say Beaver, why don't you invite your friend Chuey Varela over now that your mother will be gone for the weekend visiting Aunt Martha. I have some unfinished business with Mrs. Varela up in my bedroom..."

Ward: Im sick of this phone ringing!!

Ward: This place makes me batty.

Ward: Beaver, I can't think of a single thing to lecture you about.

Ward: June really should wear jeans sometimes.

Ward: June, lose the cheap pearls. Who cares about the spot on your neck?

Ward: "Boys, if you promise not to say a word to your mother, I'll reveal which one of you is actually the result of my fling with a waitress from the Mayfield Diner..."

Ward: Junie, you should get that spot on your neck checked out. Don't wear the pearls to hide that thing.

Ward: Mr. Hansen, you really need to assert yourself.

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Ward: Solomon is being mean to people on Todds site,I hope he is happier soon :)

Ward: I wish I would have had at least one daughter. These boys are wearing me out.

Ward: "Wally I'm going to take this chain you tied to Clarance's axle and hang you from the garage with it...!"

Ward: Junie, if you bother me one more time I swear I'll choke you with those pearls!

Ward: Junie, take off them pearls. I don't see no bad spot on your throat.

Ward: "Now boys I want you to waste your time and paint on refinishing these trash cans, I have an irrational fear of surface rust."

Ward: Beaver, why did we give you such a dumb nickname? Did we warp your mind?

Ward: June, should we give Wally a nickname too? Maybe Wabbit?

Ward: Do me a favor and lose the pearls. Put on some tight jeans and a form fitting top.

Ward (to George Haskell): "You know George that wife of yours is a hot little number. She reminds me of the calendar pin-up girls from back when I was in the Seabees..."

Ward, to Fred: If Gwen ever gets tired of simonizing your chrome dome head, send her over here. She can work on my head anytime.

Ward: Do me a favor and lose the pearls. Put on some tight jeans and a form fitting top.

….and maybe 67 years later, you will be clickbait. No, don’t ask me what that is.

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….and maybe 67 years later, you will be clickbait. No, don’t ask me what that is.

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Possibly slightly over the line, depending on where one's mind goes.

Ward: Get it together, Wally, you need to start playing the field, my man. Live!

Possibly slightly over the line, depending on where one's mind goes.

low ratings that does it, with few exceptions like Smothers Bros.*

Bottom line: it’s definitely something Ward wouldn’t say, as the word “clickbait”—-well you know.

Carry on!]

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*P.S. —-“The Scene that Got ‘Turn-On’ Cancelled!”? —-you name it!

Ward: "Why June, I've been having the grey touched up in my hair only for you, dear...! Never mind what Julie Foster said about your having a young, handsome and virile husband!"

Ward: That lady across the street is hot.

Ward: "Beaver, did you fat-shame Larry recently? Mrs. Mondello is beside herself. She just called claiming he's gone on a starvation diet..."

Beaver: Yes, Dad.

Ward: Ah, good. That kid is a fat slob. He eats us out of house and home.

And, her! I'm glad she doesn't come with him--she's even worse.

Ward: Why, that woman is old enough to be his grandmother.

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Ward, to Fred Rutherford: "You know Fred, Clarence never did drop that 'baby fat' you assured everyone he'd lose years ago..."

Do whatever you want, Beaver. I really don't care.