Trapper: "That's your basic Hot Lips."

We'll get around him or my name isn't whatever my name is. -- Hawkeye

Charles: "Each of us must dance to his own tune."

Mulcahy: "Jocularity's jocularity."

Potter: "Time flies when you've got good duty."

Hawkeye: "Is Eisenhower bald?"

P.A. System: "Don't make any plans for the weekend, or the week."

Henry: "Better keep the brass monkeys in tonight."

Hawkeye: "I told you the food here should not be taken internally."

Hawkeye: (to Hot Lips)"You know, you're beautiful when he's angry."

Potter: "Save it for Sunday."

Mind your own beeswax -- Frank

B.J. (To Hawkeye): "Now, get out there and knock 'em alive."

Never let it be said I didn't do the least I could do -- Hawkeye

Go peddle your fish -- Frank

Frank: "They were furious when I took away their glug glug."

This was a great war, 'till you guys showed up -- Frank

Hawkeye: "The wind just broke his leg."

I told you the food here should not be taken internally. -- Hawkeye

Charles: "While all you Dagwoods write to Blondie, I'm going to bed."

You know you're beautiful when he's angry -- Hawkeye

Hawkeye: "What am I doing, talking Greek to a Korean?"

Potter: "I knew there had to be a herring in the pickle barrel."

Radar: "Good luck, Grumpy."

Klinger: "I hate the damn army, but I love these people."

Radar: "One day. One very bad day."

Hawkeye: "If we don't go crazy once in awhile, we'll all go crazy."

Hot Lips: "Put him down! You can't twirl an officer."

Corporal Owens: I don't want to go back to the fighting.

Hawkeye: "A comic is only as good as his material."

Hawkeye: "How would you like a grenade in your truss?"

We'll get around him or my name isn't whatever my name is. -- Hawkeye

Potter: "I'm too old for this kind of crap..."

You're what Freud would call Spooky -- Sidney

Charles: "Well said, Colonel. Pertinent and pippy persiflage."

Potter: "Charles, get your persiflage over there."

Hawkeye: "I will not work with that man. He simply drained me."

“Klinger, it’s my considered opinion that no one is going to believe you are pregnant”
Henry Blake

Radar: "I just deliver them, I don't make them up."

You're what Freud would call Spooky -- Sidney

Hawkeye: "Go mail a bear."

Oh go practice your putts! -- Frank

Klinger: (in Arabic)"Son of a dog."

I don't mind eating if it's possible to make a martini sandwich. -- Hawkeye

Rosie: "Father, I think your brain stuck in first gear."

Henry, you are bursting with something, your face could open a branch smile! -- Hawkeye

Trapper: "Is Bismarck a herring?"

Okay, Radar, state your business, in one word or less. -- Hawkeye

Klinger: (imitating Bela Lugosi) "Blood! I must give blood, or die!"

What in the name of Marco 'BLESSED' Polo... -- Potter

Hawkeye: "Meanwhile, the head nurse is busy tryin' to yump on someone's yiminy."

Klinger:"The code of the desert, Father. Share the heat."

You look like an ad for death -- Hawkeye

Trapper: "It saves time, Frank."

Potter: "Nothing new under the sun, Major."

Sidney: Is it true that God answers all prayers?
Cpt. Chandler: Yes, but sometimes the answer is no.

And here he is for your wartime pleasure, the one and only, 5 O'Clock Charlie! -- PA

Hawkeye: "We barred the door, Katie."

Hawkeye: "Name dropper."

I haven't volunteered since the day my draft board tied me up and sent me here. -- BJ

Potter: "To absent friends."

B.J.: "I know how to knock in Korean."

B.J.: "I haven't giggled since my wedding night."

May the mother of your camels spit in your yogurt! -- Klinger

Potter: "Danm partial."

What good is it to be a Ferrari if you are out of gas? -- Corpsman Ignazio Desimone

Zale: "If it was goin' any better I'd kill myself."

Sidney: Is it true that God answers all prayers?
Cpt. Chandler: Yes, but sometimes the answer is no

Hawkeye: "Bully."

Okay, Radar, state your business, in one word or less. -- Hawkeye

Potter: "Too much killing in this world, too much death. No respect for people, for tradition, for life."

This is the first case of teenage male menopause. -- Hawkeye

Potter: "Sufferin' saddle soap!"

Potter: "Sweet Nefertiti!"

B.J.: "A fool and his money have just departed."

Potter: "So does a skunk."

This is Frank Burns, one of our best surgeons. A real killer. -- Henry

B.J.: (to Charles) "...you'll wake up in Fat Lip, Arizona."

Always trust your car to a man who has a star -- Hawkeye

Hawkeye: "A little 'you know' never hurt anybody."

Halloween in Korea -- bobbing for shrapnel. -- Hawkeye

Col. Blake (to a Midwesterner farm wife using the radio frequency needed to conduct Klinger's wedding to Laverne in Toledo who just offered to trade a recipe): Lady, you ARE a recipe for applesauce cake!

This is the first case of teenage male menopause. -- Hawkeye

You can't park a jeep over a superior officer!!! -- Frank

Henry: "Lady, you are a piece of cornbread."

Klinger: "I'll be back before you can say 'baba ghanoush'."

Potter: "That was not only obedient, but damn nice."

Klinger: "Flattery still gets you a table outside."

Potter: "Hell hath no fury like a woman sustained."

Frank, can I borrow your doctor's diploma? They are a little short in the latrine. -- Hawkeye

Charles: "Who is that... creature?"

Trapper: "Somebody sneaked in here and committed a neatness!"

Hawkeye: "Father, do you do Presybterian funerals?"

Potter: "Okay, boys and girls... Let's go to work."

Hawkeye: "You look like an ad for death."

You're what Freud would call Spooky -- Sidney

Frank: (to Klinger)"The next time we meet, I want to see a shine on those high heels."

Klinger: "I usually don't wear floor length during the day."

Hi, good-looking, get sick here often? -- Hawkeye to Margaret

Frank: "I'm not interested in kindness."

Potter: (to Mulcahy)"You wouldn't lie to a Presbyterian, would you?"

Hawkeye: "Well, why not? A dirty magazine for a dirty job."

Hawkeye: "I believe this is the first case of teenage male menopause."

B.J.: "The crowd thickens."

Trapper: (to Ugly John)"How would you like a grenade up your mustache?"

Attention. A jeep with single patient wants to meet single doctor on the double. -- PA

Potter: "You've got to toot that bugle 'til you drop."

Where in the name of Carrie's Corset... -- Potter

Potter: You two were reprimanded by Major Burns for setting fire to the latrine.
Hawkeye: That was an accident.
BJ: We were having a weenie roast.
Potter: In the latrine?
BJ: We're not allowed to cook in our tents, sir.
Potter: Also Pierce, it says here you had a live chicken flown here by helicopter, claiming it was a patient.
Hawkeye: That was a rare bird, Colonel. It could tap-dance.
Potter: And a year ago the Tokyo Provost Marshal claims you stole a steam shovel.
Hawkeye: I couldn't get a cab.
Potter: I gather you drink.
Hawkeye: Only to excess.

Hawkeye one-liner:

B.J. one-liner:

Hawkeye: "What's he coming over here for anyway? Who needs a president with dysentery?"

(Hawkeye and BJ have found Sidney's "Dear Sigmund" letter)
BJ: Sidney, you're a psychiatrist. Don't you think writing a letter to Sigmund Freud is a little crazy?
Sidney: Who better than he would understand?

Hawkeye: "I think you just conjugated the Pentagon."

“Frank, it’s after six, you can stop being snotty!”
Henry Blake

Radar: "Well, another day another in the R.O.K."

B.J.: "We tried a night light, but it didn't work."

Poetry, right? That's great how they can rhyme and be hot at the same time. -- Radar

Potter: "I've got a soft spot for Klinger. He looks a little like my son, and he dresses a lot like my wife."

It's 3 'blessed' a.m.! Even roosters are comatose! -- Potter

B.J.: "Not unless you want to see a show of fists."

Hawkeye: "Popeye, where are you when I need you?"

Potter: (to Radar)"Better fill me in, son, and use simple sentences."

One-Liner

Col. Flagg:

Hawkeye: "Just picture George Washington with John Wayne's agent."

And now direct from North Korea, here he is for the sixth hit week, 5 O'clock Charlie, his airplane, and his astigmatism! -- PA

Frank: "Bullets cost bucks, mister."

“Simmons: I'm sorry for being so young.

BJ: That's all right, you'll grow out of it.”

B.J.: "Some choice. It's the tiger or the tiger."

Dying Soldier: "I smell bread."

Potter: "I want to see everybody smiling!!"

Radar: "And you're kind to the enlisted.."

Potter: "Ride 'em, cowboy. Cowboy."

Klinger: "All hail mighty Caesar."

“Klinger: What's this morning's breakfast?

Trapper: Last night's dinner.

Klinger: Great, that was yesterday's lunch.”

Klinger: "And away we go."

Henry: "He's a superior psycho!"

“Simmons: I'm sorry for being so young.

BJ: That's all right, you'll grow out of it.”

Radar: "...they're always on the lookout for a dirty question."

Hawkeye: "Sorry about the salami."

“Potter: I gather you drink.

Hawkeye: Only to excess.”

Hawkeye: "That's what Bela Lugosi said."

Klinger: "You think it's easy bein' a nut?"

Hawkeye: "NOOOOOO!"

“I happen to believe in the sanctity of marriage no matter how ugly or disgusting it gets. I'd kill her before I'd divorce her!”
— Major Franklin Marion Burns

Hawkeye one-liner:

“Sometimes when a man's anxious to stick out a glad hand, it's because he's got something up his sleeve.”

— Sherman T. Potter

Mulcahy: This isn't one of my sermons, I expect you to listen!

Potter: "The boy's a two-faced scoundrel!"

“Klinger: What's this morning's breakfast?

Trapper: Last night's dinner.

Klinger: Great, that was yesterday's lunch.”

Hawkeye: (to Charles)"It's not easy staying one mess ahead of you."

“I'm not sleeping, I'm inspecting the inside of my eyelids.”
— Hawkeye Pierce

“I'm not sleeping, I'm inspecting the inside of my eyelids.”
— Hawkeye Pierce

Hawkeye: "That's like saying saying Ava Gardner has pleasant features."

Hawkeye one-liner:

And here he is for your wartime pleasure, the one and only, 5 O'Clock Charlie! -- PA

Margaret: "Wasn't that wonderful?"

Hawkeye: "I have the Mount Rushmore of hangovers."

Potter: "I think he's getting the hang of this place."

Hawkeye: "I think he's on to something good here."

Potter: "Damned if you two eight balls don't tarnish my brass."

Attention all personnel. When filling out GI insurance forms, be sure to state your age and sex at the time of your last birthday. -- PA

Potter: "You know, that's very profound."

“Anyone who needs psychiatry is sick in the head.”
— Major Franklin Marion Burns

Hawkeye one-liner:

Colonel Bloodworth: "Heard the rattle; I thought I was next."

Hawkeye: "I'm not that kind of a boy."

Hawkeye: "Unhand me you varlet, you know not who you touch."

"Corporal, deform the men."

- Frank Burns.

Hawkeye: "Each object holds such unpleasant memories."

“Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happy Hour.”
— Hawkeye Pierce

Hawkeye: "Why do doctors always make such lousy patients?"

Hawkeye: "Don't thank me 'til you get my bill."

“The instrument has yet to be devised that can test my indifference to that remark.”
— Hawkeye Pierce

Klinger:

And here he is for your wartime pleasure, the one and only, 5 O'Clock Charlie! -- PA

Klinger:

We'll get around him or my name isn't whatever my name is. -- Hawkeye

(One-Liner)

BJ:

“Anyone who needs psychiatry is sick in the head.”
— Major Franklin Marion Burns

Hawkeye one-liner:

Father Mulcahy:

I don't chew my cabbage twice. - Frank

Trapper:

Hawkeye:

Trapper:

Hawkeye: "Oh, but I do say."

Klinger: "Packo's Hungarian hot dogs are the pride of Toledo."

Frank:

"Why don't you sirs act like sirs, sir?"

- Radar O'Reilly.

Charles: Live, that's an order!!

“Anyone who needs psychiatry is sick in the head.”
— Major Franklin Marion Burns

Klinger:

Hawkeye:

Potter: "When it comes to basketball, I'm the bee's knees."

Hawkeye: "Senseless destruction. That's what it's all about. Get the picture?"

“Simmons: I'm sorry for being so young.

BJ: That's all right, you'll grow out of it.”

One-Liner

McIntyre:

Hawkeye: "Lovely drink, beer."

Potter: "Hot mustard!"

Klinger: "Don't be a wise guy, sir."

P.A. System: "Grab a knife and save a life."

Trapper: "How many talking horses are there?"

“The instrument has yet to be devised that can test my indifference to that remark.”
— Hawkeye Pierce

Radar:

Potter: "You don't get the big bird by bein' handsome.""

Potter: (to B.J.)"Aren't you over here on the American plan?"

Henry Blake: You're always wrong, Frank. That's what's so right about you.

Charles: "I should've expected this from a Yale man."

Hawkeye: "Sounds like a pretty shady character."

Henry:

Klinger: "Heyyy, I'm from Toledo. Half my mail comes from death row."

“I have a good mind to baptize you both, in dirty water.”
— Father Mulcahy

Henry:

Potter: "One step closer and you'll get the whole picture."

Hawkeye: "Maybe it's a review of the war."

Mulcahy: "Ah, well. I never could play the heavy."

Charles: "I feel like Dorian Gray's picture."

“Frank: I can plug an ace of hearts at fifty feet.

Hawkeye: I'll remember that if we're ever attacked by a bridge club.”

Potter: "Put a bridle on it, Pierce."

B.J.: "Not valid outside the U.S.A."

Margaret Houlihan: "You different men are all alike."

Hawkeye: "The nurses here are really terrific, once you get to know them."

Potter: "Pierce and Hunnicutt are walking into a holocaust."

Hawkeye: "Meanwhile, Aunt Martha, having taking a tramp in the woods, is lying in a ditch at the edge of town."

Hawkeye: "The spy laughed, refusing both blindfold and cigarette."

Hot Lips: "I don't approve of gambling."

Potter: "Our best man is Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce."

Frank: "It's nice to be nice, to the nice."

Frank Burns: This is the last straw!

Hawkeye: Remind me to order more straws.

Klinger: "War is just killin', that's all."

Margaret: "A wimp, he is not. He's allll man."

Potter: "Here's to long lives and short wars."

Okay, Radar, state your business, in one word or less. - Hawkeye

B.J.: "Great. Two bloodbaths in one day."

A device is yet to be invented that will measure my indifference to this remark. -- Hawkeye

Hawkeye: "Joking about it is the only way of opening my mouth without screaming."

This is the best thing that ever happened to me since I did my first strangulated hernia. -- Henry

B.J.: "Leave it to Charles to be the world's first poison pen pal."

Hawkeye: "Never let it be said I didn’t do the least I could do".