Schultz: (to LeBeau)"Ah you're a better cook than my wife."
LeBeau: "Merci!"

Klink: "You can never be nice to a German."

Klink: (to Hogan)"You call those funny stories?"
Hogan: "I laughed."
Klink: "Dis-missed."

Schultz: Col. Hogan if you ever escape...
Hogan: Yeah?
Schultz: Be a good fellow and take me with you.

Colonel Klink: Schultz, into the cooler they go. Throw away the key.
Carter: Don't we get a trial or anything?
Colonel Klink: This is Germany. Although I do appreciate your sense of humor.

Hogan: "I wouldn't wish that spot on a leopard."

Hogan: "This window's closed."

Hogan: "That was no lady...That was your spy."

Klink: "Now what do you have to say about my tea party, Hogan?"
Hogan: "One lump or two, sir?"

Klink: - "Those prisoners will be released over my dead body."
Hogan: - "It's a deal!"

Hogan: "Never argue with the foreman."

Colonel Klink: If the prisoners ask any questions about these explosions, you know nothing; you are ignorant.
Schultz: Oh, I can handle that.
Colonel Klink: I know.

Carter: "What's a sticky wicket?"
Hogan: "It's the British version of 'Up the creek without a paddle.'"

Guard: Nein!
Newkirk: Oh no, must be half past ten by now.

Crittendon: "...my mind is like a camera."
Newkirk: "Yeah, but how're you fixed for film?"

Hogan: (to Schultz) "The recruiting sergeant who signed you up could be shot for sabotage."

Hogan: "Another day, another bomb."

Klink: "The train will blow up?"
Hogan: "Only if you believe."

Klink: "Hogan, you're the best enemy a man ever had."

Schultz - "Me send for you? I never send for anybody, not even if I need them."

Hogan: "I hate a war where people drop in unexpectedly."

Hogan: (to Hochstetter) "Who told you to start a war?"

Hogan: "Why not? Everybody else in Germany's been arrested."

Hogan: "All the world loves a fat man."

Carter: "Hello? Oh, hi... I didn't mean to hang up on you before but you really do have the wrong number. This is a prisoner of war camp. Who am I? I'm a prisoner."

Hogan: "Carter."

Hogan: "That's such small potatoes."
Schultz: "No, no, no! It was a cheese sandwich."

General: What is this, you are not Gestapo?
Hogan: Lucky for you, we're going to get you out of this country.
General: But I don't want to leave the country.
Hogan: After your supply factory is blown up and the Gestapo blame you and you still want to stay?
General: I'm coming with you.

Klink: "Schultz shut up I don't want your opinion, even when I ask for it!"

Sgt. Franks: "But I tell you I am innocent. I will prove it at my trial."
Gestapo agent: "What trial?"

Hogan: "It's gonna be the only bridge in the world with a built-in bomb."

Klink: "Authority's a dangerous thing in the hands of a fool."

Klink: "All my friends are nobodies. Even my enemies are nobodies."

Hogan: "A German war plant is always a good target. Once you know where it is."

Schultz: "I know nothing about everything."

Carter: "Those dirty snakes."

Kinchloe: "We got a new arrival at the country club."

Hogan: "Let me put it this way: The life I save might be my own."

Kinchloe: "Yakity yak, all the time."

Major Kohler: "I demand a fair trial!"
Burkhalter: "In Germany?"

Newkirk: I shall call your two ginger snaps and raise you two coconut macaroons

Burkhalter: "A high-level meeting with low-level thinking."

Schultz:"Be a good fellow, and take me with you." Schultz:"I see nothing, I hear nothing, and I say NOTHING!!!"

Klink:"Oh, Schultz, you idiot”

Burkhalter: "I am not afraid of my wife..."

"[a huge explosion rocks the tunnel]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Carter? Carter? Are you OK?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Oh, yeah. Boy, that stuff is really unstable! You've got to get that mixture just right. You gotta expect a few little explosions.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Oh sure, sure.
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: You keep that up and Klink'll be down here in a minute and there goes the ball game!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I think I have an idea on how to explain the noise. Carter, keep working... oh, you do have insurance?"

Klink: "To strong men, and weak women."

Hogan: "With him, you can't tell if it's love or indigestion."

Burkhalter: "It was an innocent party!"

Hogan: "You can't trust anyone in war."

Schultz: Col. Hogan if you ever escape...

Hogan: Yeah?

Schultz: Be a good fellow and take me with you.

Hogan: "Every officer must do his duty as he sees it. And gentlemen, I see it."

Colonel Klink: [runs to the window and shouts outside] Schultz! Close the gates! The War is back on!

Klink: "Let me remind you, Colonel Hogan, that the Italians are on our side."
Hogan: "Don't remind me, remind them!"

Hogan: You see, sir, today is one of our national holidays - repeal of prohibition.

Klink: "Schultz, when I want a miracle, I'll ask you for it."

[Hogan pretends to have passed out from drinking]
Colonel Klink: [to Burkhalter] ... Disgraceful. Can't hold their liquor. Can't finish wars they start.

From "Man's Best Friend Is Not His Dog"

Lebeau:"Can we keep him, Colonel? He'll make a great watch dog."
Hogan:"LeBeau, this is a prison camp. Nobody's trying to break in."

Klink:"What was that dog doing here?"
Hogan:"He didn't say."

"[last lines]
[Hogan's men react angrily when he volunteers to help rebuild the Adolph Hitler Bridge in exchange for Klink's promise to reopen the recreation hall]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Shhh. Alright, alright. We're going to rebuild the bridge with a very special feature.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: What you mean by that, Colonel?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: It's going to be the only bridge in the world with a built-in bomb."

[Klink runs to the window and shouts outside] "Schultz! Close the gates! The War is back on!"

[a German truck flies by]
Hogan: There's never a cop when you need one

Schultz: "It's nice to see old pals get together."

Alf the Artist: "Lovely tunnel, I must say. Pity it doesn't lead into a bank."

Klink: "For the first time since I've taken command here, I want to know no-thing. No-thiiing!"

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: [to Klink and Schultz] You two are the only ones that could bring the Third Reich to it's knees.

Major Strauss: (to Klink)"...and now! The monocle is on the other eye."

Hogan: "How can he refuse to clean up the war?"

Hogan: "That's active enough for anybody."

Newkirk: "That's the smallest general I ever saw."
Hogan: "Maybe we ought to throw him back."

Klink: "Accidents will happen in wartime."

Hogan: "It's Klink's version of the Chinese water torture."

Hogan: "...I was carried away."
Klink: "I wish I could be."

Hogan (to Schultz): "You sound like Klink!"
Schultz: "Insults will get you nowhere."

Schultz: No, Herr Kommandant! They knocked the stuffing out of the Messerschmitt factory and got away from the Luftwaffe!

Klink: "There is no such thing as civilized behavior."
Hogan: "You guys oughtta know about that."

Colonel Klink: [trying to demoralize Hogan after air-raid] ... No damage was done and your bombers suffered severe losses at the hands of our illustrious Luftwaffe.

LeBeau:"I don't care to escape. I like it here."

Hogan's Heroes quotes/lines:

Kinch talking to London on the radio:"On your next drop we'll need some automatic weapons, explosive and radio.....What?.....Put it on Col. Hogan's bill."

Klink: "It is never too late for love."

Klink: "All the world loves a lover."

Colonel Klink: The only orders that I am interested in are my own orders.

Hogan: "This looks like J.P. Morgan's playroom."

Schultz & Newkirk quotes:

https://i.pinimg.com/736x/7c/8f/4f/7c8f4f5f98799ef6afddb5681f7bb174.jpg

Hogan: "You know that picture of George Washington crossing the Delaware?"
Klink: "Yes, I'm familiar with that picture."
Hogan: "This ain't it."

"Hogan: [the phone rings while Hogan's men are cracking a safe] Answer the phone, tell him it's the wrong number."

Hogan: "...like a high school production of Arsenic and Old Lace!"

Guard: Nein!
Newkirk: Oh no, must be half past ten by now.

LeBeau: "The Gestapo!"
Hogan: "They ain't Robin Hood and his Merry Men."

[a German truck flies by]
Hogan: There's never a cop when you need one

Hogan: (to Klink)"When it comes to the ladies, you sure move fast."

Schultz: Me send for you? I never send for anybody, not even if I need them.

Klink: "Hogan, in this life, we must always fight for what we want."

Schultz: "No talking!"
Hogan: "Who's talking? I'm whispering."

Hogan: "Who'd want to swap steak for hamburger?"

SS Colonel Deutsch: (to Hogan)"I shall teach you respect for the SS."
Hogan: "I doubt it."

Kinchloe: "The check just bounced."

Hogan: "Sometimes I just hate myself."

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Shhh. Alright, alright. We're going to rebuild the bridge with a very special feature.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: What you mean by that, Colonel?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: It's going to be the only bridge in the world with a built-in bomb."

Hogan: "Well, five men can't hold off a division."

Newkirk:"A perfect gift for a man who has everything, an ammo dump."

Klink: "Tell me, Schultz, which colonel is running this camp, Hogan or me? I sometimes wonder."

Schultz: "Me, too, Herr Komman….."



Klink: "I am the colonel who will sign your transfer for the Russian front."

Schultz: "Boy, are you running the camp!"

Lotte: "He looks like a dead fish."

Gertrude: "I am not a widow! My husband was reported missing."
Burkhalter: "On the Russian front, missing in action makes you a widow beyond the shadow of a doubt. "

Lotte: "I still say he looks like a dead fish."
Burkhalter: "You'd better be nice to him. That dead fish might be your father."

Hogan: "This assignment calls for our secret weapon."
Kinchloe: "What secret weapon?"
Hogan: "Klink's big mouth."

Burkhalter: (to Klink)"...you will be serving the wine of the country: VODKA!"

Hogan: "They say the way to a man's big mouth is through his stomach."

Hogan: Oh, yeah. You know that guy, Hitler, who wrote it? A lot of people say that just because he wears that silly mustache the book's a big joke...

Colonel Klink: The only orders that I am interested in are my own orders.

(Looking at Hogan)
Colonel Klink: "You are under arrest. Schultz!"

Schultz: (In the barracks after finishing his patrol punishment)One thing I don't understand...How could I get so drunk on one glass of beer?

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Never drink on an empty stomach Schultz.Schultz: You call this empty.(Referring to his belly)

Crittendon: "There are some things that a British officer does not do!"

Hogan: "Maybe she wants to be fooled."
Sir Charles Chitterly: "That, sir, is the remark of a cad."

Hogan: (to Schultz)"Did you ever hear of anybody sneakin' into a POW camp?"

Carter: "What's uranium?"
Newkirk: "Sounds like a country in the Balkans."

Schultz: "I need a lot of rest."
Klink: "He even sleeps on guard duty."

Major Pruhst: So that is Colonel Hogan?
Klink: You've heard of him?
Major Pruhst: Yes. I know all about him. Born in Ohio, graduated from the Aviation Cadets- third in his class!
Klink: Well, their standards are much lower than ours.

Colonel Crittendon: No need to worry, I have a photographic memory. My mind is like a camera.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Yeah, but how are you fixed for film?

Col. Franz: General, what is it?
General Kammler: Are my eyes deceiving me? No, it couldn't be- [Turns to Klink] That sergeant standing over there-?

Burkhalter: "Physical fitness is one thing. Mental fitness is another."

Colonel Klink: Glad to have you with us, Captain.

Hogan: "Klink and his monocle are still fighting World War I."

Colonel Klink: No prisoner has ever escaped from Stalag 13!

Schultz: [walking in to the office introducing a Captain] Herr Kommandant, this is Captain Müller. He barely escaped the terrible raid!

Klink: (to Burkhalter)"As a German officer, I feel I have not made any contribution to the war effort."
Burkhalter: "For a change, I agree with you."

Klink: "In this camp, we go by the Klink convention."

Burkhalter: "Colonel Klink runs the camp his way."

Klink: "In war you win some, you lose some."

Hogan: "I think for a big man, Schultz moves pretty fast."

Burkhalter: "I consider it the perfect oversight."

Carter: "Real brass."
Hogan: "Yeah. Top men in the monster division."

Klink: "You see? When one knows how, there's always a way to solve these little problems."

Schultz: "If he plays his violin, there will be a mass escape. Every prisoner will go over the wall."

Hogan: "Carter, what are the boys in the metal shop working on?"
Carter: "Reversible tie pins. On one side it says "Heil Hitler". On the other, "I was in Switzerland during the war"."

Olsen: [after meeting Carter in the woods; to the dogs that have come after him] Not yet, stupid! After I get clear!

Newkirk: "I'm afraid we've got a date with the firing squad."

Schultz: "I love games."

Schultz: "Would it be so bad if we lost the war?"

Hogan: "We aim to please."

Hogan: "Well, what are we waiting for? We've got a train to catch."

Klink: "A bigger bunch of thieves never existed."

Ilse: "...he doesn't look like he has the brains to be a general."

Klink: "I'm a nobody."

Burkhalter: "If I do, I'm liable to shoot him myself."

Klink: If you knew which was the right one, why did you ask me?

Hogan: I wasn't sure which was the right one. But I knew you'd pick the wrong one.

Carter: "You know, Schultz, you're making it much easier to remember that you're the enemy."

Hogan: "The things I do for my country."

Major Hochstetter: WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?

Colonel Klink: I'm afraid I cannot accommodate you, Captain. Please take your truck and its cargo some other place.

Newkirk: "Well...how do I look?"
Hogan: "Good enough to shoot."

"Col. Robert E. Hogan: Maybe it's some kind of new secret weapon.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Then why are they bringing it here?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: They know its safe. The Allies won't bomb a prisoner of war camp.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Now you see that wouldn't be cricket.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Hey, gang! What if we find out what is is and if its important enough, we get London to bomb the camp? That'll be great!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Carter. Out.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Schultz says I might get shot.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's right."

Hogan: "...I have an arrangement with management: I don't escape and they don't shoot me."

Carter: "I told you the baroness was no good."

Klink: "...I have nothing to do with intelligence."
Hochstetter: "That is obvious to all of us."

Hogan: "I want to stay alive so I can cash my war bonds."

"[Klink brags that he is in tip-top physical shape]
General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Physical fitness is one thing. Mental fitness, that's another."

Hogan: "You Nazis sure know how to live."

Hogan: "This is a POW camp, not a subway."

Burkhalter: "I don't even know how he even got to be a German."
Hogan: "Maybe he lied about his age."

Colonel Klink: When I looked out the window I thought I saw a chimpanzee raking in the garden.
Hogan: Well if it makes you feel any better, sir, there IS a chimpanzee raking in the garden.
Colonel Klink: WHAT?

Klink: "...I'm too modest."
Hilda: "You should try to come out of your shell."

Hogan: "He's a hero, all right, but for the wrong team."

Hogan: "I always liked you in basic black."

Newkirk: "You sure know how to show a girl a good time."

Burkhalter: "I'd rather face the Russians."

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [annoyed] Colonel Hogan, I'm very busy this morning - dispatches from Berlin. What is it?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I want to register a complaint on behalf of my men.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [sarcastically] Really? A complaint. Not sufficient entertainment, perhaps.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: No, you're funny enough.

Hogan: "Yeah. How do we escape into a POW camp?"

Klink: "Those two men will be released over my dead body!"
Hogan: "It's a deal."

Hogan: "She isn't anybody's type."

Klink: "Why did I have to be born so attractive?"

Hogan: "What good are enemies if you can't depend on them?"

Hogan: "Well, change is good for everybody."

Colonel Klink: Schultz, into the cooler they go. Throw away the key.

Hogan: "If you can't trust a Gestapo officer, who can you trust?"

Hogan: (to Carter)"You're an artist."

Klink: "Schultz, yesterday I was only worried about the Russian front. Today it looks like paradise."

Newkirk: "Large gophers."

Sgt. Andrew Carter. Boy, that stuff is really unstable! You've got to get that mixture just right.

Burkhalter: Klink... you will be given a fair trial...then shot.

Klink:"Schultz, I wish you'd escape. I wouldn't lift a finger to stop you."

Schultz:

Sgt. Franks: "But I am innocent!"
Hogan: "That's what they all say."

Klink: Hogan, I want my car!
Hogan: You'll have it, sir, sooner than you expect.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: Never drink on an empty stomach Schultz.

Hogan: "Never mind, Carter, you're holding up the war."

(LeBeau speaks in French.)
Klink: "You expect me to believe that??"

Hogan: "At least I know where I stand. Or die."

Klink: "I cannot stand that man..."

Master Sergeant Hans Schultz: [Seeing Newkirk in a Gestapo uniform] What a relief, if the Gestapo...Colonel Hogan...what is he doing in a uniform! Colonel Hogan please, oohhh you went too far. I must report this, it would be worth my life if I do not report this.

Hochstetter: "He must have had a wonderful nap at Waterloo."

Klink: "It's amazing how you never write down those facts."

Hogan: "The bride of Frankenstein strikes again."

Klink: "What's there to behold? She looks like her brother."

Hogan: "Enemies to the end."

Klink: "How can a disaster happen to a disaster?"

Klink:"My mind is a blank, an absolute blank."
Hogan:"Situation normal."

Hogan: "They sure aren't makin' cars like they used to, huh?"

Hogan: "I hate a sloppy war."

Hogan: "His enemy is our enemy."

Schultz: "Why should I pay the bill?"

Klink: "Yeah, I'm positive it's a negative."

Carter:"Is there anything special you'd like me to do as a German General?"
Hogan:"Recruit us all into the Wehrmacht."
Newkirk:"We're joining the German Army?"
Hogan:"Just for a short time."

Klink:"SCHULTZ, the prisoners has joined the Wehrmacht!"

Burkhalter:"There are worse things than being married to the sister of General Burkhalter."
Klink muttering after Burkhalter left:"Name one."

Hogan talking about Gertrude Linkmayer:"Beauty's in the eye of the beholder."
Klink:"What's there to behold? She looks like her brother."

Schultz: "...she's seen more action than the First Division."

Gertrude:"Generals are harmless. Except, of course, to the men who do the fighting."

Hogan: "The censor liked my letter."

Newkirk: "It's all part of life's rich pattern, Andrew!"

Carter: "...I'm a hardship case."
Kinchloe: "That we know."

Hogan: "Remember, the enemy is everywhere."

Kinchloe: "The Gestapo agent sounds like real trouble."
Hogan: "You ever know one who wasn't?"

Hogan:

Hogan:"I have a plan that has no right to work, but let's give it a try anyway."

Hogan: "What is it you see, Schultz?"
Schultz: "I see -- nothing."

LeBeau:"I don't care to escape. I like it here."

Sgt. Schultz:

Col. Klink:

Schultz: "I understand."
Klink: "No, you don't, but that's nothing new."

Klink: "I believe in the iron fist, in a velvet glove."

Klink: "The record of my success is an open book."

Klink: (to Hogan)"Why don't you stay out of this, all the way?"

Hogan's Heroes:

Klink: "I am a man of many sides."

Klink: "We Germans never do anything halfway."

Kinchloe: What would they be doing here?
Hogan: Maybe they came to capture us again. Very thorough, the Germans.

Hogan: "It's for a drunken vegetarian."

Hogan: "That settles it. They're not going to spend the winter in Miami."

Klink: Don't you give me any credit for having any brains?
Hogan: I refuse to answer on the grounds that I might tell the truth.

Hogan: "Nobody respects officers anymore."

Hogan: "Snow job? It's a blizzard."

Hogan: "You know, Schultz, sometimes it's so hard to help people."

Hogan:"I have a plan that has no right to work, but let's give it a try anyway."

Hogan: "Nobody smiles at train wrecks."

Sub Commander:"You know, Hogan, if you weren't one of their prisoners, I think you'd be one of ours."

Wagner:

Kinchloe: "I think I like the bathing suit plan better."

Major Feldkamp: "A change of atmosphere, a few schnapps might loosen his tongue!"

Schultz: "Thank you for the bottom of Major Kesseling's heart!"

LeBeau: (to Klink) "You're using him as a food taster!"

Klink: "So I like women. Kill me!"

Hogan: "Who arranges the firing squad for us?"

Hogan: "He should have knocked him off during recess."

Newkirk: "Double bloody charming."

Kinchloe: "The welcome wagon isn't even ready yet."

Klink: "When the chips are down, they always ask for men of experience."

Hogan: "Hard way to get a story."

Hogan: "We can get lead poisoning from that kind of spray."

Hogan: "Serves me right for goin' on a blind date."

Hogan: "That's the trouble with this war. Everybody's a critic."

Carter:"Is there anything special you'd like me to do as a German General?"
Hogan:"Recruit us all into the Wehrmacht."
Newkirk:"We're joining the German Army?"
Hogan:"Just for a short time."

Hogan & Carter:

Newkirk:"Don't you have a little thing for me?"
Underground Contact:"You are Papa Bear?"
Newkirk:"No, but I'll pass it along to him. I'll put it in his porridge."

Schultz:"I shall be alert and intelligent."
Klink grumbling:"Schultz, when I want a miracle I'll ask for it."

Hogan talking about Gertrude Linkmayer:"Beauty's in the eye of the beholder."
Klink:"What's there to behold? She looks like her brother."

Kinchloe: "Stall the Gestapo?"
Carter: "Lady, you got guts."

Newkirk: "Right! They shoot people for double parking."

LeBeau: "Accidents will happen."

Gertrude:"Generals are harmless. Except, of course, to the men who do the fighting."

Hogan: "...I know one thing."
Newkirk: "What?"
Hogan: "It ain't water."

Hogan: "We've gotta rid of that barrel, or we're gonna be over it."

Schultz:"Be a good fellow, and take me with you."

Zagoskin: "Life teaches you only one thing: There are no answers."

Carter: "This is gonna be one of my greatest diversions."

Hogan: "Well, back to the old drawing board."

Marya: "Sensational."
Hogan: "Adequate."

Hogan: "This plan better work. It's already got an expensive price tag."

General Stauffen: "He dare calls himself 'Supreme Leader'."

Stauffen: "Considering what?"
Hogan: "Considering you're the same bunch of guys that put him in business."

Stauffen: (to Hogan)"How can I thank you?"
Hogan: "When you see Hitler, make sure the meeting goes over with a bang."

Klink: "What a marvelous German-American sense of humor."

Klink: "And what's the matter with me?"
Hogan: "Must I make a list?"

Hogan: "I like a spy with nerves of steel."

Hogan:

Hogan:"Yeah?" Schultz:"Be a good fellow, and take me with you."

Hogan: (to Newkirk) "Depending on your ten magic fingers."

Hogan: "Our friendly neighborhood monster."

Schultz: Jawohl, mein Colonel! [Salutes Hogan]
Col. Klink: [Shakes his head] Oh, Schultz, you idiot, you don't salute him, he's your prisoner! And see to it that it stays that way!
Schultz: [Salutes Klink] Jawohl, mein Kommandant!
Col. Klink: And bring Carter back! Diiismissed!
[Klink goes back inside the camp office.]
Schultz: Colonel Hogan. What are we really going to do?
Hogan: Well, Schultz-
Schultz: Tell me nothing!

Hogan: "We're close, but he doesn't tell me everything."

Burkhalter: "I'm not sure yet, Klink, but you may have done something right for a change."

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Steal a German tank?!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: We'll give it back... after we take it apart and make blueprints of it.
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Well, how do we get ahold of it?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: How do we get it in here?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Where are we going to hide a tank?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Where do we take it apart?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Look, I got the idea of stealing it, right? The rest is detail.

Klink: "He's so... He's so..."
Hogan: "German."
Klink: "Exactly."

[The men are about to get Schultz to parachute out of an airborne German bomber.]
Schultz:: Colonel Hogan! I'm too old to parachute-jump!
Hogan:: Never too old, Schultz. Come on.
Schultz:: Colonel Hogan! I'm too big to parachute-jump!
Hogan:: Now there you have a point.

Hogan: "It's like havin' your own key to Fort Knox."

Carter: "I'd be happy just to get an envelope."

Newkirk: "We'd be a lot happier if you ate nothing."

Schultz: "...red, white, and blue are not my colors."

Hogan: "Just took a turn for the worse."

Hogan: "Aunt Alice knits a funny sock."

Newkirk: "Good enough to shoot."

Burkhalter: "Investigate a few missing cookies?!"

Klink: "As a matter of fact I don't like any dessert."

Newkirk: "...they're my favorite comedy team."

Klink: "That's very good of you, Hogan."
Hogan: "What else is an enemy for?"

Klink: "The baron was obviously an old Heidelberg man."

Burkhalter: (to Klink)"You sound like a whole brass band."

Klink: "It's the efficient way."

Klink:"Why did you keep calling from a beer hall?"
Schultz:"Because.....there was a phone there?"

Hogan: "I have a good crew."

Hogan: "I wonder if Einstein started this way."

Hogan: (to Klink) "Where are they gonna find another man like you?"

Carter: "For the man who has everything - an ammo dump."

LeBeau: "Don't forget to call the caterers."

Hogan: "You guys look like you got a 'Dear John' chain letter."

Count von Waffenschmidt: This is all a crushing bore. [Gestures irritably at Marya, Klink, and the suitcase chained to his wrist] You, him, this, the Russian front- everything!

Klink: "That man kills me."
Hogan: "I think that's what he has in mind, sir."

Klink & Burkhalter:

Hogan:"Last night I dreamt Schultz ate all the dynamites."
LeBeau:"With him that's possible."

Newkirk: "Yeah, right in the old pomposity."

Schultz: "I have no time for small talk!"

Hogan: "I've seen enough."

Klink: "The Russian front is a very negative place."

Schultz: "Oh, I don't know what this war would be without him!"

Newkirk:"You don't think I'm gonna let the Frenchman here make the tea, do you? He hasn't got a clue."
Schultz:"Don't they drink tea in France?"
LeBeau haughtily:"We don't drink anything we don't stomp on."

Hogan: "That's why he's a staff sergeant."

Schultz: Jawohl, mein Colonel! [Salutes Hogan]
Col. Klink: [Shakes his head] Oh, Schultz, you idiot, you don't salute him, he's your prisoner! And see to it that it stays that way!
Schultz: [Salutes Klink] Jawohl, mein Kommandant!
Col. Klink: And bring Carter back! Diiismissed!
[Klink goes back inside the camp office.]
Schultz: Colonel Hogan. What are we really going to do?
Hogan: Well, Schultz-
Schultz: Tell me nothing!

Kinchloe: "Jolly good show."

British General: Hogan. Bit of a dirty trick, flying you to London for an hour of being a free man and then dropping you back at Stalag 13.
Hogan: Breaks up the day, sir.
British General: [Laughs] You're a good man. [Pulls out a marked map of Europe] Guess what this is.
Hogan: D-Day, sir?
British General: D-Day. And forget you saw it. [Puts the map away] Now, I can't tell you the exact date. Even to tell you this much had to be cleared to the highest level of intelligence. The Old Man himself. But- the date will be soon.
Hogan: It's been a long time coming, sir.
British General: A long time. And we don't want any mistakes. Not on our part.
Hogan: Yes, sir.
British General: Of course, we could use a few mistakes from Jerry, and that's why you're here, Hogan.

Klink: "Schultz, I wish you would escape. I wouldn't raise a finger to stop you."

Burkhalter: "You may learn a few things anyway."

Carter, Schultz & Hogan:

Hogan: "Don't think too hard, Schultz. Brings on your headaches."
Schultz: "Jolly joker."

Hogan: "They waltz together beautifully."

Hogan: "Never fear while Sergeant Schultz is here."

Schultz: "War is crazy."

Schultz: (to Hochstetter) "Oui, Herr Major."

Helga & Hogan:

Schultz: "He always thinks of the little guy."
LeBeau: "What's that got to do with you?"

Hogan: "Gentlemen, I think it's a grand slam."

Schultz:

Klink: "No one escapes Camp 13. Not now, not ever."

Klink: "I'm of the old Prussian school."

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/7c/8f/4f/7c8f4f5f98799ef6afddb5681f7bb174.png

(A German truck flies by.)
Carter: "Boy! Those krauts are really movin'."
LeBeau: "Oui-- don't they know speeding is against the law?"
Hogan: "Yeah, and there's never a cop around when you need one."

Hogan: "Good. We aim to please."

Hogan: "We're close, but he doesn't tell me everything."

Burkhalter: "In fact, don't contradict anybody, without permission from me."

Burkhalter: "If we work hard, we may be able to win this war, even with Klink on our side."

Major Kohler: "Do you actually suspect Klink of disloyalty?!"
Burkhalter: "Disloyalty?! No. Stupidity, yes."

Newkirk: "Girls, booze, and then back to the girls again."

Klink: "Those staff officers, they are so clever."

Klink: "Don't contradict the general. Not without permission."

Hogan: "He speaks German like a native, which he is."

Burkhalter:"A Burkhalter marry a Klink?"

Janine: (to LeBeau) "Oh, you're French!"
LeBeau: "As a sidewalk cafe."

Hogan: "Smashed your monocle and everything, huh?"

Gestapo Spy: {Look at picture of Sgt Schultz) This one looks stupid enough
Hochsetter: Why not? He studied under Klink

Hogan: Are you in or out?
Lilli von Scheider: After all this time, I am to help out with this crazy scheme which has no possibility of realization?
Hogan: It's up to you.
Lilli von Scheider: For laughs. Yes.
Hogan: Thanks. You'll have a million.

Hogan: "I'm a wine snob. And this just doesn't make it."

Hogan: "It's brave enough in the bottle, but draw the cork and it panics!"

Sir Charles Chitterly: "Beastly bore, being a fascist."

General Burkhalter: "And, effective immediately, all military establishments on the home front will give senior non-commissioned officers command training, with full responsibility and authority." There it is.
Colonel Klink: I can't believe it. This order is insane, absolutely insane!
General Burkhalter: It is signed "Adolf Hitler".
Colonel Klink: Insane, yet, sane.

(A rocket's flying off course.)
Hogan: "What's that way?"
Burkhalter: "My house, for one thing."
(The rocket crashes in the distance and explodes.)
(Last line of the series.):
Hogan: "Frankly, General, I thought it was a lousy neighborhood anyway."

British General: Hogan. Bit of a dirty trick, flying you to London for an hour of being a free man and then dropping you back at Stalag 13.
Hogan: Breaks up the day, sir.
British General: [Laughs] You're a good man. [Pulls out a marked map of Europe] Guess what this is.
Hogan: D-Day, sir?
British General: D-Day. And forget you saw it. [Puts the map away] Now, I can't tell you the exact date. Even to tell you this much had to be cleared to the highest level of intelligence. The Old Man himself. But- the date will be soon.
Hogan: It's been a long time coming, sir.
British General: A long time. And we don't want any mistakes. Not on our part.
Hogan: Yes, sir.
British General: Of course, we could use a few mistakes from Jerry, and that's why you're here, Hogan.

Hogan: "Now that's what I want for Christmas, Schultz, and don't bother wrappin' it."

Schultz: "What mothers wouldn't do for their children."

Newkirk: "There's always more."

Newkirk: "It's optimists like you, Carter, that cause all the trouble in the world."

Klink: "We Germans have a great talent for plans and innovations."

Woman in bar: "Ja. Spring is definitely late this year."

Schultz: (drunk)"Request permission to fall flat on my face, if necessary."

Hogan: "He looks like a Zeppelin with empty gas bags."

Newkirk: "And he's got no character at all."

Klink: "Gentlemen, your protests are music to my ears."

Newkirk: "It ain't the ice cream man."

Klink: "Hogan, you are an open book to me."

[Klink and Hochstetter summon Group Captain James Roberts, a recently-captured British officer, to Klink's office. He enters and comes face-to-face with a man identical to himself.]
Group Captain James Roberts: In Heaven's name.
Hochstetter: Group Captain Roberts- Leutnant Baumann.
Group Captain Roberts: He could be my twin!
Klink: In a way he is! He is!
Hochstetter: Fantastic.
Klink: They do wonderful plastic surgery! I had this friend in Dusseldorf. A Mrs. Schmidt; charming woman. Slight sag around the chin, but you know how it is. Anyway, see saw this surgeon. He advised her-
Hochstetter: [Visibly annoyed] Not now, Klink.
Group Captain Roberts: This is monstrous.
Hochstetter: The Leutnant looked a great deal like you from the start, but the surgeons have done a remarkable job, no?
Group Captain Roberts: [Realizing] The pictures. That's why you took those pictures of me.
Leutnant Baumann: Yes, indeed, Group Captain. From the beginning it's been rather a lark. Jolly good fun, actually.
Group Captain Roberts: He's even imitated my voice. Of course, the recordings.
Hochstetter: Well, I am satisfied.
Klink: So am I.
Hochstetter: I'm glad. I don't think we need to attend to Group Captain Roberts any longer, Colonel.
Klink: Of course not, Major! I think it's time we moved him to slightly less comfortable quarters, but, shall we say, more colourful?
Group Captain Roberts: Whatever it is your planning, you won't get away with it. I promise you that.

Hogan: "How do I look?"
Newkirk: "Good enough to kill."

Klink: "I am not interested in logic."

Colonel Feldkamp: "Who iss this man?"

Hogan: "Yep. Rough war, sir."

Hogan: "Don't tell me you're afraid of guys who dance sitting down."

Hogan: Gestapo man came to camp and I wasn't told?! Where was I?
Kinchloe: Listening to the World Series, with the rest of us.
Hogan: Well. First things first.

Klink: "My father always said 'Whatever you do in life, do it the best. The very best.'"
Burkhalter: "You should've taken his advice."

Hogan: "Kurtz, the next time you make a call, the least you can do is use a nickel."

Colonel Hogan: The Blue Baron is leaving.

Hogan: "How much can it cost to gift wrap a hand grenade?"

Buckles(a captured American movie star):"If I'm going to die, at least let it be in a close up."

LeBeau: "That can lead to some nasty arguments."

Crittendon: "Jerry has big ears."

Hogan & Schultz:

Hogan: (to Klink)"I'm also a realist; your luck has run out."

LeBeau: "Nice way to talk to an officer."