Klink: "In other words, Hogan, I'm breaking up that old gang of yours."

Hochstetter: "Klink, the prisoners walk around here with guns?!"

Hochstetter: "Wake up, Klink, enjoy the little time you have leeeft."

Hogan: "It's better that way. It has the Gestapo touch."
Hochstetter: "Quiet!"

Hogan: "Happy digging."

Newkirk: "Don't indict me, indict the system!"

Hogan: (to Klink)"Yeah! A little advice: surrender."

Hogan: "In a half hour, your favorite beer hall in Berlin is gonna be missing."

Hogan: "We lost a plane, but we found a great radio announcer."

Hogan: "One more thing: The next time you bail out, pick another stalag."

Carter: "That's how I started my Army career."

Hogan: "Klink always picks the wrong name to drop."

Klink: "Let us confine ourselves to ideas, not to insults!"

Hogan: "Not my cousin from Milwaukee."

Hogan: "Intelligence has turned it over to an advertising agency."

Hogan: "Another day, another rocket."

Hogan: "My aim is terrible when I'm in a hurry."

Schultz: How are you going to get him out of the camp?
[Hogan is about to say something]
Schultz: (Very quickly in an anguished voice) Please don't tell me.

Schultz: "The field marshal looks exactly like my wife's nephew."

Klink: "It is so difficult to get a good sergeant these days."

Schultz: "You really do look like my wife's nephew."

Hogan: "It's about time. We could use a few new buildings."

Hogan: "Those guys are killers."

Hogan: "Next time, join the Elks instead."

Klink: "And when Wilhelm Klink is angry, somebody gets it in the neck."

Hogan: "Please. One miracle at a time."

Hogan: "It was a pleasure doing business with you. Over and out."

Kinchloe: "Now that's what I call a work of art."

Hogan: "When I was a kid, I used to practice on billboards and posters."

Hogan: "He's still a great pusher."

Newkirk: "Well, none of us is perfect."

Hogan: "Hats off, gentlemen, we're in the presence of a genius."

Crittendon: "Touch of night blindness."

Hogan: "Crittendon, I couldn't fight your logic."

Hogan: (to Klink)"You won't get the answers that way, sir."

Kinchloe: "They guaranteed a knockout."

LeBeau:"If I cook, then why should I be on KP?"
Newkirk:"You're closest to the kitchen."

General Kammler: "Well, Germany makes lots of mistakes."

Marya:"Hogan, and a colonel."
Hogan:"So you found me out."
Marya:"And I suppose the little one is a general?"
LeBeau:"Disguised as a corporal."

(First line of the series.)
Schultz: (counting in German): "One...two... three... four..."

Hogan: Didn't you learn anything from DuBois?
LeBeau: Well, most of the time we just made crepes suzettes.

Schultz & Hogan:

Burkhalter:"There are worse things than being married to the sister of General Burkhalter."
Klink muttering after Burkhalter left:"Name one."

Shultz:

Klink:"SCHULTZ, close the gate. The war is back on."

Hogan:

Carter:"We're not spies, colonel. We're just POW's."
Hogan:"Blowing up bridges and factories in our spare time."
Newkirk:"That's what keeps out of trouble."

General Biedenbender: "Ohh, you are a devil, Hogan."
Hogan: "I try."

Hogan: "It's like they say, 'If you drink, don't drive.'"

Hogan: "In school I was voted most likely to be a troublemaker."

Hogan: "You know, sometimes I just hate myself."

SS Col. Deutsch: "Wagner it was not."

Hogan: "Sounds like Fort Knox."

Hogan: (to Suzette)"Lady, you're pushin' me around and we're not even married."

Hogan: "Lady, you're not pushin', you're shovin'."

Burkhalter: "Not a bad idea. A nice snow-covered parade ground, on the Eastern front."

LeBeau: "I'll tell you somethin', it makes me proud to be a Frenchman."

Carter: "Don't those guys ever bother to knock?"

Hogan: "Now there's a regulation I can understand."

Hogan: "We needed the space for dancing."

Hogan: "Well, there go the polo matches."

Hogan: (to Sgt. Franks)"What else could we do? We're just prisoners, and you're the master race."

Col. Klink:

Schultz & Klink:

[while safecracking, the phone rings in Klink's office and Carter answers]

Carter:
Hello? Oh, hi... I didn't mean to hang up on you before but you really do have the wrong number. This is a prisoner of war camp. Who am I? I'm a prisoner.

Hogan:
Carter.

Carter and a french soldier:

Hogan: "Klink's a very dedicated kraut."

Hogan: "Lieutenant, that would hardly be cricket!"

Major Kohler: "I am being destroyed with false evidence!"

Lilli: "How bizarre."
Hogan: "I'm noted for that."

Hogan: "...we're betting that way."

Klink: "Those barbarians."

Klink:

Carter:"Is there anything special you'd like me to do as a German General?"
Hogan:"Recruit us all into the Wehrmacht."
Newkirk:"We're joining the German Army?"
Hogan:"Just for a short time."

Schultz: "Oh, what a beautiful couple we made!"
Newkirk: ""Beauty and the beast."

Hogan: "Love is for civilians, Schultz."

Hogan: "I was right. The blimp is in love."
Kinchloe: "With another blimp?"

Schultz: "I don't have many friends."

Hogan: "No one tells him anything."

Klink:"I can smell the sauerbraten. Take a deep breath."
Major Bonacelli:"Is that an order?"

Schultz: "I have a nephew like him; it's terrible!"

Hogan: "What do you have to do these days to make an unsuccessful escape?"

Schultz: "I don't know. i haven't heard from the Fuhrer this week."

Hogan: "A foreman's job is never easy."

Hogan: "It's amazing what you can do with a Tinker toy."

Hogan, Schultz & Lebeau:

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
I distinctly saw Colonel Hogan watching the planes when they flew over the camp.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Klink, do not try to explain this incident to him. If he asks questions, do not act as if you know anything. You know nothing! You are ignorant!

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Yes, sir, I'm ignorant. I shall do it right away.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
I have every confidence in your ability along those lines.

Burkhalter:

Klink & Schultz:

Kinchloe: "I guess that makes it worth the risk."

Carter: (to Kristen)"I love your pastry."

Hogan: (to Klink)"That's why you brought in Baby Face Nelson."

Klink: "And they wonder why they're losing the war."

Carter: "That clock isn't the only thing around here that's cuckoo."

Kinchloe: "...Alice in Krautland."

Klink: "I always say, 'A healthy body is a happy body.'"

Hogan: "We're tryin' to save Klink from the Russian front, and if we save him, -- "
Schultz: "-- you save me."

Schultz: "A bullet in any one of those places could be fatal."

Hogan: "I hear no-thing, Schultz."

Klink: "Schultz, into the cooler they go, throw away the key."

Carter: "Don't we get a trial or anything?"

Klink: "This is Germany. Although I do appreciate your sense of humor."

Lily Frankel: (to Hogan)"Just pray that Germany falls before my arches."

Hogan: "Can a bird fly? Can a fish swim?"

Hogan: (to Klink)"Just follow your instinct! It won't let you down."

Hogan: "Finding such beauty in the squalor of a prison camp."

Klink: "I just painted what I felt."

Klink & Hogan:

Schultz & Newkirk:

Col. Klink. : It is impossible to hide a tank! Col. Klink: Tell me, Schultz, which colonel is running this camp, Hogan or me?

Hogan: "Does Macy tell Gimble?"

Hogan: "Sounds like a drinking problem!"

Carter: "Those Krauts can't do that to me!"

Hogan: "Gentlemen, may I present Sergeant Schultz, hero?"

Hogan: "Serves me right. Ask a simple question,..."

Major Hochstetter: WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?

Burkhalter: "I never joke."

Schultz: "Don't ask me; this is a decision for an officer."

Hogan: When you see Hitler, make sure your meeting goes over with a bang.

Colonel Backscheider: "I am not concerned with being fair."

Schultz saluting Hogan:"Jawohl, mein Colonel."

Hogan: "I'll bring the wine."

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
[Hogan is kissing Tiger goodbye out on the compound]

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
[Tries to cover up Hogan and Tiger] Col. Hogan! Col. Hogan! Kissing prisoners is verboten!

Klink:

Hogan: "The bull king's cousin."

Klink: "A good German officer always goes by the book."

Burkhalter: "This prisoner has a gun!"

Schultz:

Klink: "Don't use that word in my presence!"

Hogan: "Do the words '38-26-36' mean anything to you?"

Hogan: "Worst acting I've ever seen."

Hogan: "Yeah, it only hurts when I'm awake."

Hogan: "Most of our friends are enemies."

Hogan: "...and shut us down. With a firing squad."

Hochstetter: "Yeah. Too bad it isn't contagious."

Hogan: (to Klink)""The real prisoner in this camp is your great personality."

Hogan: "I handled this sort of thing at the Pentagon."

Newkirk: (to LeBeau)"And you wonder why you lost at Waterloo."

Hogan: "It's all in a day's work."

Hogan: "It's Bismarck all over again."

Burkhalter: "If I sent you two clowns to the Russian front,
I would be shot for treason!"

Klink: "One of my mines just went off."

Hochstetter: "I'm the Gestapo! What do I know about law?"

Hogan: You know that picture of George Washington crossing the Delaware?
Klink: Yes, I'm familiar with that picture.
Hogan: This ain't it.

Hogan: "Is it possible to resign from a war?"

Hogan: "It's too much risk for too little."

Hogan:

LeBeau: (to Carter)"And with that voice, you shouldn't sing where there's open food."

LeBeau: "Let's break both his legs."

Newkirk: "Not a chance, Andrew."

(Schultz enters.)
Newkirk: "Well, look who's here. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Kraut."

Hogan: "No problem; we'll hold their guns for them."

General Stromberger: "Who is he? Your information officer?"

Stromberger: "How do they feel about being shot?"

Stromberger: "Colonel Hogan, your deal is if your men do not clear the road they will be shot."

Carter: "Hey, we could have a little jam session."

Newkirk: "Hey, they're playin' our song."

Hogan: "I think it's walking pneumonia."

Klink: "You know, Schultz, when you, have a man like that for an enemy, you don't need friends."

Carter: "... folks say I play the trumpet like Armstrong."
Hogan: "Louis or Jack?"

Hogan: "We were just rehearsing for the POW prom."

(Klink sneezes. Snow falls off of a roof and onto Stromberger.)
Stromberger: "Klink, you fool, look what you've -- "
(Rumbling is heard.)
Hogan: "I think they're playin' our song."
Stromberger: ""Klink, you hear that?! You are ________ the avalanche!"
Klink: "But, General, I -- "
(Stromberger sneezes.)

Hogan & Carter:

Hogan: "I'll tell you one thing: You've just taken all of the fun out of this job."

Hogan: "Good old Klink. Always ready with a definite 'maybe'."

Hogan: (sarcastically)"This place is like a country club now."

General Hochstetter & Schultz:

Carter:

Hogan: "Men, Kommandant Klink. Men with empty lives. Men like yourself."

Hogan: (to Klink)"To know you is to trust you."

Carter: "You really do have the wrong number. This is a prisoner of war camp. Who am I? I'm a prisoner."

Newkirk:

Klink:"I can smell the sauerbraten. Take a deep breath."
Major Bonacelli:"Is that an order?"

LeBeau: "You mean there's more?!?"
Newkirk: "There's always more."

Hogan: "Next time you're a commandant, Schultz, you'd better shop around for a cheaper war."

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
[surprised] I thought I'd done *everything* in this war! *Now* I'm delivering *newspapers*!

Carter & Kinchloe:

Colonel Klink: Yesterday, I was only worried about the Russian front, today it looks like paradise. Hogan, what am I going to do?
[Hogan looks down at his watch]

Hogan:

Schultz: "I don't mind carrying a few extra pounds."

Hogan: "The infamous Stalag 13."

Major Proust: "The Gestapo is interested in anyone who's a threat to the state!"

Hogan: "We owe it all to the Carter plan."

Hogan & Klink:

Klink after Hogan caused Gertrude to spurn him:"Hogan, it's at a moment like this when I'm sorry that you and I are not on the same side."
Hogan:"Thank you, colonel. Believe me, great many more moments I'm glad that you are."

Carter: "And I say that's no way to talk to Betty Crocker."

Hogan: Colonel, you worry too much.
Klink: I worry? Huh. Your life is easy. You're only a prisoner of war.

Hogan: "I wouldn't risk my life for Gypsy Rose Lee."

Klink: "Would, uh, Fred miss a night with Ginger?"

Hogan: (to Klink)"Look, kommandant."
Klink: "When addressing your commanding officer, you should be in uniform."
Hogan: (puts on his hat)"Okay, okay."
Klink: "That's better!"

Hogan: "Not with a crossbow!"

Carter: "It's a formal inspection."

LeBeau:"If I cook, then why should I be on KP?"

Hogan: "He smiles at train wrecks."

Kinchloe: "Man does not live by radio alone."

Carter: (to LeBeau) "You're lucky you weren't picked up by the vice squad."

Schultz: "Now he gives me advice."

Schultz: "Never have I slept less in any picture."

Hochstetter: "Klink! Isn't this man ever locked up?"

Klink: "And that woman, the Russian. Everytime she shows up there's trouble."

Hochstetter: "Klink, you're a traitor!"

Hochstetter: "This camp is commanded by Russians and prisoners!"

Schultz: "How could this happen to me?"

Hogan: "You're brilliant. I'm gonna recommend you for officers training."

Schultz: "I look too military."

Carter: "Newkirk got so excited, he almost put a straight dice back into the game."

Hogan: "Let's break up the game."

(Repeated line).

Schultz: "It will be done!, Herr _____________."

Hogan: "There's one in every crowd."

Newkirk:"What makes you think you can design a bridal gown?"
LeBeau:"I'm French. It's in our blood."

Hogan: "I was doing my job."

Hogan: "See how easy it is to be psychic?"

LeBeau: "What's this doing on my ear?"

Carter: "Boy. You Germans really keep busy."

(Repeated line.)
Baker: "Will do."

Hogan: "Back to the sawdust."

LeBeau: "He's a Kraut!!"
Hogan: "The biggest."

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Uh, Colonel Hogan! I'm too old to parachute jump!

Hogan: "Colonel Klink, you're an evil man."
Klink: "Yes, I am. And it makes me feel good allll over."

Klink: "In my army, we don't protest, we obey orders."

Klink: "The gall! of that man. Insolence, pure insolence."

Hogan: "You sure run a friendly gas station."

Klink: "Gentlemen, to a successful visit."

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: [to Klink and Schultz] You two are the only ones that could bring the Third Reich to it's knees.

Hogan: "The Iron Eagle just got his tail caught in the barbed wire."

Newkirk: "No wonder you people lost the last war."

[Newkirk and Carter are found near the camp fence]
Colonel Klink: Schultz, into the cooler they go. Throw away the key.
Carter: Don't we get a trial or anything?
Colonel Klink: This is Germany. Although I do appreciate your sense of humor.

Hogan: "It's a busy war."

Hogan: [the phone rings while Hogan's men are cracking a safe] Answer the phone, tell him it's the wrong number.
Carter: [answers the phone in a mock-German accent] I'm sorry, you've got the wrong number.
[pause]
Carter: So what if you haven't told me who you're calling yet? No matter who you're calling it's still the wrong number because I don't even have a phone!