Post your favorite quotes and funny lines from The Andy Griffith Show.

Andy & Otis quotes/lines:

An Andy & Barney quote/line:

A Barney Fife quote:

Another Barney quote:

An Ernest T. Bass & Andy Taylor quote/line:

Ernest T. Bass: I'm no account, Andy. I'm no-count.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: You're not no-count, Earnest. You're just... ignorant, that's all.
Ernest T. Bass: Aw, you're being kind.

An Ernest T. Bass & Helen Crump quote/line:

Helen Crump: [in front of the 5th grade class] Mr. Bass, return to your seat!
Ernest T. Bass: Okay. Can I tell you somethin' before I do?
Helen Crump: What is it?
Ernest T. Bass: I *love* you.

Briscoe Darling: "You got time to breathe, you got time for music."

Andy: "If you ask me, this Ernest T. Bass is a strange and weird character."
Briscoe: "Juuuust plaaain ornery is what he is."
Barney: "I think he's a nut."

Ernest T. Bass - "I'm a little mean, but I make up for it by being real healthy."

Barney (to Andy): "...they're hick songs. And this is a hick town, and I'm a hick deputy doin' a hick job in a hick jail."

Andy: "When a man carries a gun all the time, the respect he thinks he's gettin' might - might really be fear. So I don't carry a gun because I don't want the people of Mayberry to fear a gun. I'd rather they would respect me."

Otis: "I'm in the twilight zone."

Gomer: "My cousin Goober ain't stupid. He's ugly, but he ain't stupid."

Sheriff Taylor - "Now I'm warning you, if you throw one more rock...."
Ernest T. Bass - "I promise you Sheriff, I won't throw one more rock."
(Andy walks away)
Ernest T. Bass - "Didn't say nothin' 'bout no brick!"

Barney Fife: Why don't you go set in the grocery store so we can all know you are the big cheese?

Barney: "That's my trigger finger, you damage that and I might as well quit the business."

Ernest T. Bass: "HOW DO YOU DO MISS-US WI-LEY?"

Briscoe Darling: "Got time fer breathin' ya got time fer music."

Gomer: "Goober says 'HEY!' Andy" Andy: "HEY to Goober"

Andy and Thelma Lou lines/quotes:

(Barney and the Choir)

Thelma Lou: Barney's gonna be in the choir? My Barney?
Andy Taylor: That's right.
Thelma Lou: But Barney can't sing.
Andy Taylor: I know.
Thelma Lou: He's a warm, wonderful person - and I love him dearly - but he can't sing.
Andy Taylor: That's true.
Thelma Lou: He's kind, considerate, good-hearted, the most gentle person I've ever known, but he can't sing.
Andy Taylor: You're right.
Thelma Lou: He's the man I want to marry, the man I want to be the father of my children...
Andy Taylor: But he can't sing.
Thelma Lou: Not a lick!

Andy: "Didn't your father ever spank you, Barn?"
Barney: "No, Andy. You have to remember, I was much bigger than he was!"

This whole clip with Barney and his voice coach is classic. It kills me when she says" I've just given you an A in breathing.' And also that Leonard Blush sang the star spangled banner at the county insecticide convention.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WmFPMPOJUNs

This whole clip with Barney and his voice coach is classic. It kills me when she says" I've just given you an A in breathing.' And also that Leonard Blush sang the star spangled banner at the county insecticide convention.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WmFPMPOJUNs

That is a great episode.

Ernest T. Bass trying to impress and court Charlene Darling

Ernest T. Bass - "I can do chin-ups, I'm the best rock thrower in the county and I'm saving up for a gold tooth."

Andy: "Somewhere wandering loose around Mayberry is...a loaded goat."

Andy: "You WOULD show up today, Otis. About one loaded goat at a time's all we can handle."

"Hi, Doll!"

On second thought, I think she said, "Hello, Doll".

Yep, from below, Daphne, one of the Fun Girls.

"Hi, Doll!"


:lol: That was Daphne, one of the "Fun Girls" she had that really deep voice. I always liked those episodes.

This one was from Skippy, the other "Fun Girl." :lol:

I never really appreciated Helen Crump, but that episode where she and Thelma Lou caught Andy and "Bernie" at the courthouse with the fun girls was lol lol lol.

Anyway here's another funny one--"Can't. If I threw a ball I'd be in traction for a month."

From Gomer the House Guest:

Gomer: "No, but I'm going over to the market right now, they're advertising for an experienced butcher."

Andy: "You know anything about cutting meat?".

Gomer:"You think they'll ask me that?"

I never really appreciated Helen Crump, but that episode where she and Thelma Lou caught Andy and "Bernie" at the courthouse with the fun girls was lol lol lol.

Anyway here's another funny one--"Can't. If I threw a ball I'd be in traction for a month."

This line is from the lovely Lydia Crosswaithe, Goober's date.

Ernest T. Bass - "I'm a little mean, but I make up for it by being real healthy."

Hilarious!!!

Anything Briscoe Darling says is a knee slapper.

That whole scene with Lydia Crosswaithe and Andy:

"Lydia means native of Lydia but I'm from Greensboro." I hate the guitar. I don't mind the clarinet or saxophone but hate the guitar." I don't like the outdoors I get the herpes. I hate chit chat I don't mind regular conversation but I hate chit chat." ( Sorry not verbatim)

Hi Stevea!!

That Lydia Crosswaite is a hoot in both episodes she's in. That whole scene where Goober/Lydia/Andy/Helen are trying to decide on something to do is hilarious, as is the following scene in the car.

Goober: "Yo."

Gomer: "Goober says 'Hey' Andy."
Andy" 'Hey' to Goober"

Barney: "You ain't got a hobby, Otis!"
Otis: "I've got a hobby! Drinkin'."

Barney Fife: "How would you like it if I tried to steal Ellie away from YOU?"
Andy Taylor: "Well, um..."
Barney Fife: "Oh, you don't think I can, DO you?"
Andy Taylor: "Well, that's not the point."
Barney Fife: "POINT! Well, I CAN! And the funny part is you're the one that showed me HOW! All I gotta do is sweet-talk her - and I've seen just ENOUGH Rock Hudson pictures to know how to do that!"

Andy: "An education's a long, tough job."

Andy: (to Ernest)"The first rock you throw, I'm gonna put you under the jail."

Andy: "Doesn't sound like a very nice person."
Briscoe: "One of the worst we've got."

Some of the funniest lines in TV history!

A Barney quote when he's talking on the phone to Juanita:

Andy Taylor: [Struggling to get Briscoe's tie on] "Hold still, Mr. Darling!"

Briscoe Darling: "Ever since I saw a hangin', I been nervous 'bout wearin' one 'a these things!"

A Andy Taylor line/quote:

Andy: "Barney's about as subtle as a pig squealin' for supper."

Barney: "Losin' to a woman. Jiminy. It's the end of an era."

Barney Fife: [Andy and Barney are watching a sign painter] Ain't he got chicken spelled wrong?

Andy Taylor: No, it's right.

Barney Fife: You sure?

Andy Taylor: Yeah, it's "i before e except after c and e before n in chicken".

Barney Fife: [chuckles] Oh yeah, I always forget that rule

Aunt Bee: "Why would he do a thing like that?"
Andy: "'cause he's a nut."

Goober: "You know, Andy...Barney's a wonderful feller, but sometimes I just don't understand him. Do you?"
Andy: "Yeah -- He's a nut."

Barney: "Aw Andy, you know we couldn't have given a sobriety test to Otis last night."
Andy: "Well, why not?"
Barney: "He was too drunk!"

Woman #2: "...I can't wait to see his face light up."
Andy: "Oh, he'll be lit up, all right."

Gomer Pyle: Me and Goober are goin' down to see that Cary Grant movie. Goober never misses a Cary Grant movie. He studies him. You want to hear him take off on Cary Grant? C'mon, Goober; do Cary Grant.
Goober Pyle: Well, I don't know...
Andy Taylor: Well, Gom, if he doesn't want to...
Goober Pyle: I'll do it! Judy, Judy, Judy!
Gomer Pyle: [laughing hysterically] Ain't that great, Andy? How do you do it? Let me try; Judy, Judy, I can't do it. Andy, couldn't you just swear it was Cary Grant standin' right before you in this room?
Andy Taylor: Uh, yeah, Gomer; that was real good, Goober.

Ernest T. Bass: "If a duck stood still you could catch him by the bill."

Barney Fife: I'll say it right to your face, Otis, you've got a pickled liver!
Otis Campbell: Well, it's better than having a pickled puss!
Barney Fife: Oh, yeah?
Otis Campbell: Yeah!
Andy Taylor: Boys, stop it!
Otis Campbell: Well, he started it!
Barney Fife: I did not start it, he started it!

An Aunt Bee quote/line:

Dud Wash: Well, you just let him try! I'll show him some things I learned in the army in jungle warfare! First, you grab the mouth and pull like this.

[demonstrates by pulling his own mouth]

Dud Wash: Then you grade his nose and twist it like this.

[twists his own nose]

Briscoe Darling: Stop that, boy! You want your face to freeze thatta' way?

Barney: "You've got to understand, this is a small town. The sheriff is more than just a sheriff...he's a friend. The people in this town, they ain't got a better friend than Andy Taylor....You know, there ain't been a major crime committed in this town, thanks to Sheriff Taylor....When you're a lawman and you're dealin' with people, you go not so much by the book...but by the heart."

Sheriff Andy Taylor: [reading a note tied to a rock Ernest T. Bass threw through the window] "Maybe you goin' to have a weddin', and maybe you goin' to have a preacher; but you might not have a bride. You ever think of that?" Mr. Darling, you don't think he'd try to kidnap Charlene before the wedding?

Barney Fife: [to Andy] Well, if it ain't daddy long legs!

Opie: "Pa, just what can you do with a grown woman?"

Barney Fife: Well, I guess to sum it up, you could say, there's three reasons why there's so little crime in Mayberry. There's Andy, and there's me, and
[patting gun]
Barney Fife: baby makes three.

Andy: "What are you doing?"
Barney: "Gun-drawing practice, ten minutes every day. If I ever have to use this baby, I want to teach it to come to papa in a hurry."

Briscoe Darling: Stop that, boy! We got other things to do. Try to control them hot flashes.

Andy: "What are you doing?"
Barney: "Gun-drawing practice, ten minutes every day. If I ever have to use this baby, I want to teach it to come to papa in a hurry."



Anytime Barney calls his gun “Baby” I crack up. “I let this baby do my talking.”

[Andy and Barney are at the Darlings when a rock comes through the window]
Barney Fife: What was that!
Andy Taylor: I think Ernest T. Bass is paying us another visit.
Briscoe Darling: Ernest T. Bass! You're a low down skunk!
[Turns away from the window, then turns back]
Briscoe Darling: Doggone ya!
Andy Taylor: Listen here, Ernest T. Bass! This is Sheriff Taylor! Go on home and leave these people alone! You're keepin' 'em awake!
Ernest T. Bass: Tell 'em to go back to bed! Charlene's the one I want to talk to!
Barney Fife: Listen here, Ernest T. Bass! This is Deputy Fife! I'm armed and if you don't go home, I might just take a shot at you
[another rock come flying through the window]
Barney Fife: Stop that!
[Another rock hits the window]
Briscoe Darling: Sheriff, tell your deputy to be quiet before he gets us all stoned to death!

(One of the fun girls meeting Sheriff Taylor)

Daphne: "Hello Doll!"

Briscoe Darling: Stop that, boy! You want your face to freeze thatta' way?

[The Darlings have come to Andy for help with Ernest T. Bass]

Sheriff Taylor: "Mr. Darling, can't you and your boys handle him?"
Briscoe Darling: "Well, we thought about killin' him, but we didn't want to go that far."

Andy Taylor: Let her go off somewhere else... gig some other frog.

Ernest T. Bass:

Barney Fife: All I'm saying is that there are some things beyond the ken of mortal man that shouldn't be tampered with.

Barney: "A good delivery boy always carries change."

Barney Fife: Inkem binkem notamus rex, protect us all from the man with the hex.

Andy Taylor: Goob, did anybody ever tell you you've got a big mouth?

Goober Pyle: Yeah, but I don't pay no attention to 'em.

Andy Taylor: [sees Ernest T. Bass sitting in his chair] Ernest T.! How did you get out of jail?
Ernest T. Bass: Irritatin ain't it?

Deputy Barney Fife: Oh, I-I don't know. I could go up to the pickle factory. They always need a brine tester.

Otis: [speaking of how his mouth feels] Shooby, shooby, shooby.

Ernest T. Bass: I'm the man for you Charlene, you know it! Now can I come over there and kiss ya on the jaw?

Barney Fife: Gomer, get down there with them spiders and start workin'!

Ernest T. Bass: "Now there ain't nobody can say more about a possum than I can. After all, I lived 6 months with a possum and a raccoon too."

Sheriff Taylor: "You lived with a possum and a raccoon?"

Ernest T. Bass: "Sure, that's where I learned to wash my food afore I eat it."

Otis: [singing childlike to Barney who out of pride voluntarily put himself in the other cell] "Barney's in Jail! Barney's in Jail!"

Ernest T. Bass: "Now there ain't nobody can say more about a possum than I can. After all, I lived 6 months with a possum and a raccoon too."

Sheriff Taylor: "You lived with a possum and a raccoon?"

Ernest T. Bass: "Sure, that's where I learned to wash my food afore I eat it."

😄 stuff

Andy Taylor: Goober, Cary Grant wasn't in 'Picnic'.

Goober Pyle: He wasn't? Well, speakin' of Cary Grant, I do him.

Ernest T. Bass: “Right or wrong I'm here to fight.
Unless you run away with fright
And if you wonder who I be,
it's me it's me, it's Ernest T!" "Whoo hoo!”

Dud Wash: Where's my 'darlin' person'? There she is!

[grabs Charlene and begins hugging and kissing her]

Charlene Darling: Dud! Stop it!

Dud Wash: Aw. c'mon Charlene!

Briscoe Darling: Stop that, boy! We got other things to do. Try to control them hot flashes.

Both are quite hysterical quotes. Love the show!

Andy Taylor: Let her go off somewhere else... gig some other frog.

[Andy warning two bullies about Barney]

Andy: "Well, I sure hope you're gone when he gets back. But, again, I'll-I'll tell you what he does when he's gettin' ready to draw. He usually, uh, clears his throat, then he tugs at his collar, and then he, uh... he beats his fist on his holster. When he does all that - go! I, uh, I hope nothin' bad happens, but in case it does, we'll hold onto your truck for your kin."

Ernest T. Bass: [looking through Opie's old school book] Oh I know that word! Cat!

Andy Taylor: Are you sure you didn't know it because there's a picture of a cat there?

Ernest T. Bass: Why, no. Here cover it up with your hand again.

[covers the picture]

Ernest T. Bass: Cat.

Rafe Hollister : I ain't never been to the doctor in my life.

Mary Simpson : Not ever?

Rafe Hollister : When I's born, I had my mama, and when I die, I'll have the undertaker. I don't see no sense in clutterin' things up in between.

Ernest T. Bass: No hunt beware open and closed no credit!

Opie: "Are you going to fingerprint me, Barney?"
Aunt Bee: "Oh, don't joke, honey! He's liable to send you up to state prison!"

Barney: Wanted posters came in, Andy.

Andy: Oh, good. File 'em, will you, Barn?

Barney Fife: Now, men, here at the rock we have two main rules. Remember them so you can say them in your sleep. Rule number one: obey all rules. Secondly do not write on the walls as it is very difficult to remove writing off of walls.

Ernest T. Bass: I should have a chance to woo and charm her with my ways.

Goober Pyle: I can't do William Holden, but I can do Cary Grant. Judy, Judy, Judy.

Andy Taylor: [on the phone] If you don't want magazine subscriptions or your septic tank pumped out, there's a sign you can get that says no peddlers or agents.

[pause]

Andy Taylor: Well, sure that applies to septic tank pumpers... sure. Now take down those disease signs, Nelvin.

Otis Campbell: Every man needs a hobby.
Barney Fife: But, Otis; you ain't got a hobby!
Otis Campbell: I do have a hobby; drinkin'!

"What's small potatoes to some folks can be mighty important to others." ―Andy

Army Doctor: [after telling Ernest T. Bass to say ah and inspecting his mouth] Okay let's have a looks at your ears.

[shines a light in Ernest T.'s ear]

Ernest T. Bass: Aaaahhhhhhh

Army Doctor: No, no.

Ernest T. Bass: Well what do I say for this one?

Army Doctor: Hush.

Ernest T. Bass: Huuuuuuushhhhh

“Opie, you haven't finished your milk. We can't put it back in the cow, you know.”
-Aunt Bee

Mrs. Wiley: He burst into the house uninvited and started behaving in the most peculiar manner.

Andy Taylor: Like what, Mrs. Wily?

Mrs. Wiley: Oh, he stuck his hand in the punch bowl and ate every bit of the watermelon rind. And if that wasn't enough, he soaked the paper napkins in the punch and then he threw them at the ceiling.

“Andy, that big mouth Clara is spreading rumors about me all over town.”

Aunt Bee

Andy Taylor: Try not to talk through your nose so much. You're twangin'.

Ernest T. Bass: I do that on purpose so I can talk whilst I eat.

Briscoe: "You got time to breath, you got time for music."

Andy: "If you ask me, this Ernest T. Bass is a strange and weird character."
Briscoe: "Juuuust plaaain ornery is what he is."
Barney: "I think he's a nut."

Barney Fife: [through a megaphone while directing the cave rescue] Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their neighbor! Repeat! Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their neighbor!

BARNEY:If only somebody would just commit a crime, one good crime! If only somebody would just kill somebody!
ANDY: Barney!
BARNEY: Oh, I don’t mean anybody we know, but…well, if a couple of strangers was to come into town, and, well if one of ‘em was gonna kill the other one anyways, they might just as well do it here.

Barney Fife: Now, I’m gonna test your reactions and your reflexes.
Otis Campbell: This jail’s gettin’ to be as bad as home.

Andy Taylor: Where can we find this Ernest T. Bass?

Dud Wash: Aww, he's a pestilence and a pestilence will find *you*... you just wait.

Barney Fife: Inkem binkem notamus rex, protect us all from the man with the hex.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: Somewhere wandering loose around Mayberry is a loaded goat.

Andy: "You beat everything, you know that?!"

Emma Brand: To think I voted for you last election; never even considered nobody else! BAD, BAD SHERIFF! (upon her frustration of Andy refusing to help her get her pills)

Aunt Bee: I was standing in front of the courthouse chatting with a group of ladies.
Barney: Now that's unlawful assemblage in my book!
Andy: Well...
Barney: I asked them to move along, but Aunt Bee kept right on talking! So I asked her again, and she said, "Stop interrupting!" Then another lady opened her umbrella; now that's inciting a riot!

Helen Crump:
[in front of the 5th grade class] Mr. Bass, return to your seat!

Ernest T. Bass:
Okay. Can I tell you somethin' before I do?

Helen Crump:
What is it?

Ernest T. Bass:
I *love* you.

"You look good enough to take to Chinatown!" (Andy to Aunt Bee)

Ernest T. Bass: "How do you do Missus Wi-lley?"
"CREE-TCHUR? WHO YOU CALLIN' A CREE-TCHUR?"

Ernest T. Bass: If a duck stood still you could catch him by the bill.

Malcolm Tucker: Do it! Just *do* it! Go take a nap, go to Thelma Lou's for TV, just *do it*!

Barney Fife: What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a man take off a dress before?

Andy Taylor: Well, I caught him earlier on a 10-17.

Barney Fife: Hat in a horse trough?

Andy Taylor: Yeah.

Ernest T. Bass: I love you Ms. Crump!

Andy Taylor: [pulls up to Ernest T. in the police car] Ernest T!

Ernest T. Bass: I'm comin sheriff. Ms. Crump, I got to go to the lockup now. See ya tomorrow!

Andy Taylor: Now Barney here is a perfect example of a man about town. On the outside he's a tough weather beaten lawman. But on the inside he's a civilized, well sophisticated gentleman.

Andy Taylor: Ohhh, did that bad-tasting word slip out again?

Sam Lindsey: There he is. There's the weak-kneed, chicken-livered, yella-streak turncoat.

Barney Fife: Now look, Sam. You got something to say, say it.

Barney: (to Andy)"Our only crime is we're attractive to women."

Ernest T. Bass: It's me, it's me. It's Ernest T.!!

Andy: Well, now, Barney, you could have overlooked it, seeing as how the women always do congregate in front of the courthouse down here, and seeing as how it was Aunt Bee.

“I always enjoy cutting Barney's hair. His ears kind of wing out and it gives you room to work.”

— Floyd Lawson

Barney Fife: I don't know how I can face the future when I know there's eight quarts of these pickles in it.

Barney Fife: All I'm saying is that there are some things beyond the ken of mortal man that shouldn't be tampered with. We don't know everything, Andy. There's plenty going on right now in the Twilight Zone that we don't know anything about and I think we ought to stay clear.

Call the man!" - Andy Taylor, after the freezer went out at home and Aunt Bee needed a place to keep her meat.

Floyd Lawson: I thought Calvin Coolidge said that.

Barney Fife: [Andy and Barney are watching a sign painter] Ain't he got chicken spelled wrong?

Andy Taylor: No, it's right.

Barney Fife: You sure?

Andy Taylor: Yeah, it's "i before e except after c and e before n in chicken".

Barney Fife: [chuckles] Oh yeah, I always forget that rule.

“Silence is my game, Mum's my name, tick-a-lock!”

~Aunt Bee

“I'm sick of the whole thing, too. You try to bring two people together and what do you get? Heartaches!”

— Barney Fife

Andy Taylor: [on the phone] If you don't want magazine subscriptions or your septic tank pumped out, there's a sign you can get that says no peddlers or agents.

[pause]

Andy Taylor: Well, sure that applies to septic tank pumpers... sure. Now take down those disease signs, Nelvin.

Ernest T. Bass: You should see how they act when Jelsic Sterrum comes home in his uniform. Jelsic, walk with me. Jelsic, dance with me. Jelsic, kiss my mouth.

Barney Fife: Boy, giraffes are selfish.

Opie: Are you going to fingerprint me, Barney?
Aunt Bee: Oh, don't joke, honey! He's liable to send you up to state prison!

Rose: And in the mornin', I want you to eat all your cereal and don't leave half the milk.

Opie Taylor: Okay. I won't leave half the milk.

Rose: Good boy.

Opie Taylor: I'll leave ALL the milk.

Barney Fife: Andy, I've this one dead to rights! Otis was drunk. I even gave him a test. I drew a line on the sidewalk and told him to walk it. You know what he said?

Andy Taylor: What?

Barney Fife: He asked me what line. I've got this one right, Andy. Otis was drunk!

Andy Taylor: That right, Otis? Did you ask Deputy Fife what line?

Otis Campbell: Yeah; but I didn't have my specs on and drunk or sober, I can't see much without my specs.

Andy Taylor: Otis, three hours ago when Deputy Fife arrested you were you drunk?

Otis Campbell: I don't know; I wasn't wearin' my glasses.

Aunt Bee Taylor: Oh, Dr. Breen, your sermon has such a wonderful lesson for us.

Andy Taylor: Yes, sir, you really hit the nail right on the head there.

Barney Fife: Yes, sir, that's one subject you just can't talk enough about... SIN.

Barney, you want my honest opinion? I don't believe that dog can find his own food dish.

~Andy Taylor

Andy Taylor: [on the phone] If you don't want magazine subscriptions or your septic tank pumped out, there's a sign you can get that says no peddlers or agents.
[pause]
Andy Taylor: Well, sure that applies to septic tank pumpers... sure. Now take down those disease signs, Nelvin.

Andy Taylor: You date one woman all the time and pretty soon people start taking you for granted. They don't say, "Let's invite Andy," or "Let's invite Elly." No, they say. "Let's invite Andy and Elly!" See, then it's "Andy and Elly"; "Elly and Andy". A then, that's when that woman gets her claws into you!

Sheriff Andy Taylor: Ope, is this something we can talk about later on?

Opie Taylor: Well, if you could let me have a dime, we wouldn't even have to talk about it.

Goober Pyle: Did you know she's been walkin' all over town wearin' it?

Floyd Lawson: Yeah. It's mink!

Goober Pyle: Yeah, she told me. They're vicious little animals, ya know.

Andy: Well, no wonder it's quiet in town; the whole population's in here!
Barney: Yeah, like I promised you, Sheriff. Law and order kept in Mayberry this here day!
Andy: It must've been kept more this here day than all the other days put together!

Mayor Pike: Oh, it's an outrage, Sheriff! That's what it is! An outrage!

Barney: "She really thought she was hot stuff."

Barney: "We're just plain, simple men, fightin' organized crime with raw courage..."

[after getting in a fight with Andy]

Helen:
Just who do you think you are, anyway, Mayberry's answer to Cary Grant?

Andy Taylor: Goodbye, goodbye. Partin' is such sweet sorrow that I would say goodbye till it be morrow.
Opie Taylor: What's THAT mean?
Andy Taylor: Well, that means I'd love to set and jaw with ya a while longer, but I got to be a-movin' on.

Andy: "Not for one minute have I ever wooed Charlene!"

Charlene: "That's love!"

Barney: "Andy I've heard you say a thousand times, 'If there's a peaceful way, take it'."

Andy Taylor: [after learning Barney has spilled the beans about the gold shipment] Somewhere between here and Denver is seven million dollars headed for Mayberry, and you and me and Gomer and Laura Lee Hobbs, we're gonna' receive it.

Briscoe: "Hoot owl pie! Perfectly good hoot owl, just plain wasted."

Otis Campbell: Every man needs a hobby.
Barney Fife: But, Otis; you ain't got a hobby!
Otis Campbell: I do have a hobby; drinkin'!

Barney: "Ernest T. Bass??"
Ernest T.: "One and the same, Bass is the name."

Barney: "He's curious."
Andy: "He's a troublemaker is what he is."
Barney: "He's a nut."

Andy: "He's a wrong one."
Barney: "He's a nut!"
Recruiting sergeant: "Sounds like he's got a lot of spirit. That's what we want."

Andy: "Look at him go. He's a strange one."
Recruiting sergeant: "He's a wild man."
Barney: "He's a nut."

Andy: "There goes a happy man."
Barney: "There goes a happy nut."

Barney Fife: Adios, amigo.
Briscoe Darling: [to Andy] He one of ours?
Andy Taylor: Oh, sure.
Briscoe Darling: [to Barney] More power to ya.

Charlene: (singing)
"Sunny on the mountaintop,
Shady in the holler.
Everywhere my true love goes
I'll be bound to foller."

Andy Taylor: Well, Barney, you know we always give the truck drivers an extra five miles an hour so they can make it up Turner's Grade.
Barney Fife: Now Andy, if you let them take thirty, they'll take thirty-five. If you let them take thirty-five, they'll take forty. If you let them take forty, they'll take forty-five. If you...
Andy Taylor: Uh, Barn.

Andy: (singing)
"Well if you ever come to Mayberry,
Well you'd better walk right.
Well you'd better not squabble
And you'd better not fight.

Deputy Fife will arrest you,
And he's sure to take you down.
Well you can bet your bottom dollar
That you'll be jailhouse bound."

"Well, where there's smoke there's firewater." Barney to Andy

Ernest T. Bass: “Maybe you goin' to have a weddin', and maybe you goin' to have a preacher; but you might not have a bride. You ever think of that?”

Rose: Opie, dear, I'm marryin' Mr. Pine because I love him.

Opie Taylor: I thought you loved ME.

Rose: I do, Opie.

Opie Taylor: You don't catch me marryin' somebody else.

Barney: "They were kissin'. Huggin' and kissin'. You couldn't have gotten a piece of tissue paper between them. They were that close. They were kissin'."
Andy: "Who was kissin?"
Barney: "Thelma Lou and Gomer."
Andy: "Kissin?"
Barney: (shouting) "KISSIN!!!"

"Sheriff Andy Taylor: [Bobby Fleet & his band members were arrested off screen, now at Andy's desk] Guilty as charged. That'll be $20
[twenty dollars]
Sheriff Andy Taylor: or 24 hours in jail.
Bobby Fleet: [in frustration] 20 fish for a crummy parking rap?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, we try to keep it low for the first offense.
Bobby Fleet: Yeah, and how much of the 20 do you stick in your own kick?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Ohh, I wish you hadn't said that. I mean I don't mind a insult personally but you've offended the dignity of my robes. Now, let's see... what's our price for robe dignity offending? Why, that's $50.
Bobby Fleet: [in frustration] $50?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Yeah, plus the $20. That's 70 altogether.
Bobby Fleet: Aw, come on now! Now, look Sheriff, there's no reason to get hot over the collar for this. I mean, you've got your job to do, and I've got mine. Now, uhh... Oh, that reminds me. We're playing at the capitol, over the weekend. Now, oh, how would you and your nice fine deputy here like to come and see us, huh? I'll see that you have a big time. Oh you'll be my guests, of course.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Oh,,,. Now, you have really done it.
Bobby Fleet: [very quickly] What, what, what, what, what?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well you just tried to bribe me is all. That's the worst thing anybody can do. I hate to tell you what the fine is on that.
Bobby Fleet: Never mind I don't care what the fine is. I'm not going to pay it.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Oh, you mean you'll take the 24 hours?
Bobby Fleet: That's just what I mean. No hick Sheriff is going to bleed me. We'll all stay overnight.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, that's the way it'll be then.
[Andy then banged gavel]
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Deputy, lock up the prisoners.
Deputy Barney Fife: Glad to! All right, let's move it along! Come on, on the double there! Come on, let's look sharp! Look sharp! Come on, get in there. And suck in that gut!
[Barney Fife jailed Bobby Fleet and his Band with a Beat members, as he spoke]"

Barney: "I feel like a real idiot. Black makes me look so thin."

Andy Taylor: Ohhh, did that bad-tasting word slip out again?

Andy: "Call the Man!" (Andy tells Aunt Bee 11 times to "Call the Man" about the broken freezer.)

Opie Taylor: Pa?

Sheriff Andy Taylor: Ope, is this something we can talk about later on?

Opie Taylor: Well, if you could let me have a dime, we wouldn't even have to talk about it.

Barney Fife: Man, we really packed it away, didn't we?
Andy Taylor: Yeah, boy.
Barney Fife: Fortunately, none of mine goes to fat. All goes to muscle.
Andy Taylor: Does, huh?
Barney Fife: It's a mark of us Fifes. Everything we eat goes to muscle.
[pats tummy]
Barney Fife: See there?

Andy Taylor: What do you know about love?

Floyd Lawson: What do I know... about love... about love...A man can't cut hair for thirty years without learning SOMETHING!

Briscoe: "That makes me cry."

Andy: Well, no wonder it's quiet in town; the whole population's in here!
Barney: Yeah, like I promised you, Sheriff. Law and order kept in Mayberry this here day!
Andy: It must've been kept more this here day than all the other days put together!

Ernest: "Since I got one more brick left, it's a sin to be wasteful."

Ernest: "Looks like a ocupuss."

Goober: "Nothin' wrong with a man bein' English, Ernest T."
Ernest: "There is if'n you're Irish. My ma and pa were both Irish, and that makes me Irish, since I sprung off on 'em."

Sheriff Andy Taylor: Now, you can't be serious about resignin'. What in the world will you do?

Deputy Barney Fife: Oh, I-I don't know. I could go up to the pickle factory. They always need a brine tester.

Andy Taylor: Well, I caught him earlier on a 10-17.
Barney Fife: Hat in a horse trough?
Andy Taylor: Yeah.

Rose: Opie, dear, I'm marryin' Mr. Pine because I love him.

Opie Taylor: I thought you loved ME.

Rose: I do, Opie.

Opie Taylor: You don't catch me marryin' somebody else.

Andy Taylor: What are you doing?
Barney Fife: Gun-drawing practice, ten minutes every day. If I ever have to use this baby, I want to teach it to come to papa in a hurry.

Ernest T. Bass: I'm no account, Andy. I'm no-count.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: You're not no-count, Earnest. You're just... ignorant, that's all.

Ernest T. Bass: Aw, you're being kind.

Guess who: "Slow it down & let me in, or I'll go out and get some gin"???

Barney: (to Ernest T.) "You'd better do as he says, fella. This is the law speakin'."

Barney: "There's only two kinds of cops!... The quick, and the dead."

Andy: "You're a good son, Barn."
Barney: "I try."

I once knew a horse that didn't even know how to fix a sore finger. Played a great guitar, but was nothin' with first aid.

- Sheriff Andy Taylor

AUNT BEE
(into phone)
... she didn't... But how could she
deny it? Everyone knows she's been
henna-rinsing for years... Oh, natural
red-head my foot. Why, she's been
rinsing so long her temples are henna-
colored.

Andy: "I found out tough talk's just talk."

You're both a lot bigger than I am, but this badge represents a lot of people. They're a lot bigger than either one of you. Now, are you gonna get movin'?

— Aaron Ruben

You're both a lot bigger than I am, but this badge represents a lot of people. They're a lot bigger than either one of you. Now, are you gonna get movin'?

— Aaron Ruben

wrong; that was Barney who said that/

Andy: "Well isn't that just a fine Howdy do. "

Andy: "Looks like he wants to learn."

Barney: "You know me and my low blood sugar content."

Andy to Barney: "You beat all."

Barney: "Strange? He's a first-rate, grade-A nut..."
(Helen exits.)
Barney: "Look, Andy. A sensitive, delicate situation like this has got to be handled a certain way. Now why don't I take him out in back of the jailhouse, and kick him around a little?"
Andy: "He'd kill you."

Barney: "'course, gettin' him to understand it, now, that's somethin' else. I still say a good battin' around would be the only real answer."
Andy: "He'd kill you."

Barney: "I still say 'five minutes behind the barn'."
Helen: "He'd kill you."

Andy: Well, no wonder it's quiet in town; the whole population's in here!
Barney: Yeah, like I promised you, Sheriff. Law and order kept in Mayberry this here day!
Andy: It must've been kept more this here day than all the other days put together!

Briscoe Darling: (Aunt Bee has hit Briscoe with a spoon) Ow! What'd you do that for?

Aunt Bee Taylor: No elbows on the table.

Briscoe Darling: (to Andy) That ain't fair; her hittin' first and explainin' the rules after.

Barney: "I say this calls for action, and now. Nip it in the bud! First sign of youngsters goin' wrong, you've got to Nip. It. In. The. Bud."

Barney: "Nip it. You go read any book you want on the subject of child discipline, and you'll find that every one of them is in favor of bud nippin."
Andy: "I'll take care of it."
Barney: "Only one way to take care of it."
Andy: "Nip it."
Barney: "In the bud."

Floyd Lawson: If I keep this up I'll probably end up with a barber's claw from holding the shears all day.

Andy: "Bar-ney!"

Ernest: "Howdy do to you and you! It's me, it's me, it's Ernest T."

Briscoe: "More power to ya."

Oh, Aunt Bee, what they got in mind for me is as clear as the nose on a warthog's face.

— Sheriff Andy Taylor

wrong; that was Barney who said that/

Sorry.

Barney: "I know Andy better than Andy knows Andy."

Gomer: "Andy and Helen. My oh my. Well, it takes tew to tango."

Aunt Bee: "I've dreamed of a room like that all my life."

Gomer: "What a dumb trick. A swell party, but what a dumb trick."

Barney, you want my honest opinion? I don't believe that dog can find his own food dish.
— Sheriff Andy Taylor

Aunt Bee: "For Heaven's sakes, what's happening to this town, anyways?"
Andy: "Barney."

Barney Fife: But, Otis; you ain't got a hobby!

Andy: "You're gonna jump clear out of your skins."

Woman #1: "Say - Isn't that Barney Fife?"
Woman #2: "Say it does look like him, doesn't it? Except the dummy is much better looking."

Barney: "Look at that! A traveling pawn shop!"

Barney: "You know, Andy, this is where I really belong....."

Andy Taylor: What do you know about love?

Floyd Lawson: What do I know... about love... about love...A man can't cut hair for thirty years without learning SOMETHING!

Barney Fife: "Now here at "The Rock" we have two basic rules. Memorize them so that you can say them in your sleep. The first rule is... Obey all rules. Secondly, do not write on the walls, as it takes a lot of work to erase writing off of walls."

Sheriff Andy Taylor: You're not no-count, Earnest. You're just... ignorant, that's all.

Ernest T. Bass: Aw, you're being kind.

Andy Taylor: [sees Ernest T. Bass sitting in his chair] Ernest T.! How did you get out of jail?
Ernest T. Bass: Irritatin ain't it?

That by far is my all time favorite

https://i.imgur.com/t6KulZG.png

Gomer Pyle:
[Barney is upset with Gomer and walks out, refusing to speak to him] What's the matter with Barney?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Well Gomer, Barney's been bitten by the green eyed monster.

Gomer Pyle:
He has? Well they got some stuff down at the drugstore that'll keep 'em off of you. One fell on me just yesterday!

Andy: "Barney, I'll tell you the truth. You are a bird in this world."

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
That just proves that opposites attract.

Goober Pyle:
Attract what?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Each other.

Goober Pyle:
Oh! Well, when I get married, I'm gonna marry exactly the same kinda woman I am. That ain't gonna be easy to find, ya know.

Ernest T. Bass:

Otis Campbell: Every man needs a hobby.

Ernest T. Bass:

Barney Fife: If there's anything that upsets me, it's having people say I'm sensitive.

Ernest T. Bass & Helen Crump:

Barney Fife:
Inkem binkem notamus rex, protect us all from the man with the hex.

Andy:

[Just after Sheriff Andy Taylor arrested Jim Lindsey, they practiced playing guitars of same rhythm and song]

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
[while Andy Taylor and Jim Linsey played guitars. Andy sang solo] Ridin' on that new river train. Ridin' on that new river train. Same old train that brought me here. Gonna take me back in.

[Andy Taylor & Jim Lindsey play guitar instrumental, together]

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Darlin', you can't love one. Darlin', you cant love one. Can't love one and have fun. Can't love one and have fun.

[Deputy, Barney Fife, came in to jailhouse, during second guitar instrumental, of Jim Lindsey and Andy Taylor]

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Sing Barney.

[Jim Lindsey played his guitar, as Barney and Andy started singing together]

Deputy Barney Fife:
[Andy Taylor and Barney Fife, sang together] Ridin' on that new river train. Ridin on that new river train. Same old train that brought me here home again.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
One more.

Deputy Barney Fife:
[Andy Taylor & Barney Fife sang together, as song was concluding, while Andy Taylor and Jim Lindsey played their guitars, together] Ridin' on that new river train. Ridin' on that new river train. Same old train that brought me here. Gonna take me back again.

Barney on busting up a still.

Barney Fife: (angry) Oh, you're just full of fun today, aren't you? Why don't we go up to the old people's home and wax the steps?

Barney:

Barney Fife:
The last big buy I made was my mom's and dad's anniversary present.

Andy Taylor:
What'd ya get 'em?

Barney Fife:
Septic tank.

Andy Taylor:
For their anniversary?

Barney Fife:
Yeah. Oh, they're really hard to buy for. Besides, it was something they could use. They were really thrilled. Two tons of concrete, all steel reinforced.

Andy Taylor:
You're a fine son, Barn.

Barney Fife:
I try.

Andy: "There's one for the books, being kissed by a councilman"..

Dud Wash: Where's my 'darlin' person'? There she is!

[grabs Charlene and begins hugging and kissing her]

Charlene Darling: Dud! Stop it!

Dud Wash: Aw. c'mon Charlene!

Briscoe Darling: Stop that, boy! We got other things to do. Try to control them hot flashes.

Barney:
"Call for the doctor, call for the nurse.
Call for the lady with the alligator purse!"

Recruiting Sergeant: "Bass, shut your mouth and open it."

Andy: (to Barney) "Ain't you the Adolphe Menjou of Mayberry, though!"

Goober & Warren:

Barney: (to Thelma Lou)"Boy, as soon as they're through, are we ever gonna have a fight."

Andy Taylor: When a man carries a gun all the time, the respect he thinks he's getting might really be fear. So I don't carry a gun because I don't want the people of Mayberry to fear a gun. I'd rather they respect me.

Otis Campbell: Every man needs a hobby.

Andy:

Andy Taylor: Well, I caught him earlier on a 10-17.
Barney Fife: Hat in a horse trough?
Andy Taylor: Yeah.

“Bikes are bikes and houses are houses”.

Dud Wash:
Where's my 'darlin' person'? There she is! [grabs Charlene and begins hugging and kissing her]

Charlene Darling:
Dud! Stop it!

Dud Wash:
Aw. c'mon Charlene!

Briscoe Darling:
Stop that, boy! We got other things to do. Try to control them hot flashes.

Barney: "All I'm saying is that there are some things beyond the ken of mortal man that shouldn't be tampered with. We don't know everything, Andy. There's plenty goin' on right now in the twilight zone that we don't know about and I think we should stay clear."

Barney: "There's nothing to fear but fear itself."

Aunt Bea: "Fun is fun, but there's a limit to everything."

Briscoe Darling:
[to Andy, suggesting the next song for them to sing] How 'bout, uh, "Will You Love Me When I'm Old and Ugly?"?

Charlene Darling Wash:
[Protesting] Oh, no, Pa, that one makes the baby cry.

Barney Fife: If there's anything that upsets me, it's having people say I'm sensitive.

Barney Fife:
[Walks in wearing helmet, leather gloves, and a leather jacket] Mounted patrol checking in.

Andy Taylor:
How are you Baron Von Richthofen?

Aunt Bee: "People just don't know how to relax."
Andy: "She's right, you know that?"

Ernest T.'s final line: (said to Malcolm) "Then you are a full-blooded Englishman!"

Sheriff Andy Taylor : Somehow between now and the contest, we gonna have to eat up all the store pickles that Aunt Bee's got on hand.

Floyd: (singing)"Hail to thee, Miss Mayberry."

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/de/db/57/dedb577ecdcd70c0ed01fa83f2170aa7.jpg

Barney: "What is this, a jail or a nightclub?"

Andy: (to Barney) "Well, we ain't got guided missiles either but I doubt if we need 'em."

Barney: (to Otis) "Back, you savage killer! Back!"
Otis: "You're right. I am a killer. I just killed a pint."

Andy:

Aunt Bee: "We're going to have a band concert! Tonight!"

Gomer: "I told you there was spiders under there."