(Last line of the series.)
Papa Vincente: "Si, si. Yes."

Opie: "...I went through the same thing when I was a kid, you know, up against a bully. It can get to be a real mental problem if it goes on too long."

Aunt Bee: "Andy, I'm not peeking. It's community concern."

Aunt Bee: "Good heavens. What would anyone want with five fishing poles?"
Andy: "Fiberglass or bamboo?"

Aunt Bee: "Do you have to play so loud?"

Aunt Bee: "Are they supposed to sound like that?'

Andy: "Well. He could be the first Supreme Court judge that knows how to swing."

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
That just proves that opposites attract.

Goober Pyle:
Attract what?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Each other.

Goober Pyle:
Oh! Well, when I get married, I'm gonna marry exactly the same kinda woman I am. That ain't gonna be easy to find, ya know.

Briscoe: (to Andy)"Take a shot at him, sheriff. You've got a right."

Briscoe: "If you don't stop that deputy of yours, he'll get us stoned to death!"

Otis Campbell: Yeah; but I didn't have my specs on and drunk or sober, I can't see much without my specs.

Andy Taylor: Otis, three hours ago when Deputy Fife arrested you were you drunk?

Sheriff Andy Taylor : I just don't know what to do. I can't put him in jail, he keeps breakin' out. I can't make him understand he's got to leave Helen alone. I don't know what to do with him.

Deputy Barney Fife : Well, you won't listen to me - you won't listen to your old dad. All I have to do is give him a couple of karate chops, flip him into a corner, and he'd get up and head back for the mountains, never to be seen again.

Sheriff Andy Taylor : He'd kill you.

[Barney looking annoyed]

Sheriff Andy Taylor : Well, the easiest way is to satisfy him - he wants an education, we'll give him an education. We'll fix him up with a diploma and everything.

Deputy Barney Fife : I still say, five minutes behind the barn!

Helen Crump : He'd kill you.

Barney: I asked them to move along, but Aunt Bee kept right on talking! So I asked her again, and she said, "Stop interrupting!" Then another lady opened her umbrella; now that's inciting a riot!

Andy: "I am always gettin' my britches caught on my own pitchfork."

Deputy Barney Fife:
Gomer, I have to uphold the law, no matter what! It's only what any responsible person should do. Why, even if I weren't a policeman, I would still arrest you for making a illegal U-turn... any person can do that, you know... it's called a citizen's arrest.

Gomer Pyle:
[seeing Barney make a U-turn with his squad car as he drives away] Hey! HEEEYYYY - - BARNEY! You made an illegal u-turn YOURSELF! You're breakin' the law, and so I, as a responsible person, need to arrest you! Citizen's arrest! Citizen's arrest!

Andy: "I should've sold him that nickel. Then at least he'd own something worth a nickel."

[after a haircut at Floyd's]

Andy Taylor:
Floyd.

Floyd Lawson:
What's the matter?

Andy Taylor:
My sideburns.

Floyd Lawson:
Your sideburns - what's the matter with your sideburns?

Andy Taylor:
Why, they're both even.

Floyd Lawson:
Well, I'll be dogged. How'd that happen?

Andy Taylor:
I declare, Floyd, I believe you're getting the hang of it. And looka there - they're the right length and everything.

Andy:

Andy Taylor:
Let her go off somewhere else... gig some other frog.

Barney: "That"s always a good household item."

Gomer and Andy:

Barney: (to Thelma Lou)"And it's got to stop right now. Nip it! Nip. It. In. The. Bud."
Thelma Lou: "Nip what in the bud?"
Barney: "You and Jeff, that's what. Nip it! Tell him you're mine."

Barney Fife:
Inkem binkem notamus rex, protect us all from the man with the hex.

Andy & Gomer:

Ramona Ankrum:
It rained last week.

Ernest T. Bass:
I know. I was right there in it.

Skippy & Daphne:

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Now, here, here is a map of the United States.

Ernest T. Bass:
"United States."

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
That's right. Now the United States is bounded on the north by Canada, on the south by Mexico, on the east by the Atlantic Ocean, and on the west by - uh, would, uh, you happen to know that?

Ernest T. Bass:
[thinks] Old Man Kelsey's woods!

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
No. All the way to the edge - big body of water.

Ernest T. Bass:
Old Man Kelsey's crick!

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Ocean.

Ernest T. Bass:
Old Man Kelsey's ocean!

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Pacific Ocean.

Ernest T. Bass:
"Pacific Ocean!"

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Very good, very good.

Ernest T. Bass:
Yeah, I sure know my boundaries good, don't I?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
You sure do.

Ernest T. Bass:
[frowns] Just as long as they don't change 'em 'fore I take my test.

Andy: "Barney, you are gassed!"

Andy: "This cider's turned hard!"

Barney:

Andy: "You're going to jump clear out of your skins."

Barney Fife: “Boy, giraffes are selfish.”

Barney:

From Convicts At Large episode

Barney & Floyd:

Barney: "I don't care; a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do!"

Aunt Bee: "You know how you are when you miss a meal, he's meaner than a bear backed into a beehive."

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Jim?

Jim Lindsey:
Huh?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Why in the world don't you do somethin' about yourself?

Jim Lindsey:
What do you mean, Andy?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Well, you got a fine talent there. You're the best guitar player I ever heard.

Jim Lindsey:
Well that's mighty nice of you, Andy... But Mayberry ain't very big.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Well now, who says you got to stay in Mayberry? You heard all these fellas that come through here playin' in the shows. How 'bout that fella we see every now and then on television, a'shakin' and a'screamin' - sounds like somebody's beatin' his dog. You're better than all of them.

Jim Lindsey:
Well now, I wouldn't say that.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Well yes you are, too...

Big Maude, Barney & Andy:

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
[Addressing the Darling boys after meeting their newborn niece] You boys must be pretty proud to be uncles?

Briscoe Darling:
[Explaining after the boys remain silent with a blank stare] Oh, they're too choked-up to say anything.

Andy: "We are living in (the) age of enlightenment."

Andy Taylor:
[Barney and Thelma Lou have had a fight on the phone] Uh, Barn; why don't you just call her back?

Barney Fife:
[Picking up the phone] Sarah, get me Juanita at the diner. No, I wouldn't just rather call Thelma Lou back!

Barney:

Andy Taylor : “I don't know why I am always gettin' my britches caught on my own pitchfork.”

Floyd:

Barney & Big Maude:

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
[Standing in the middle of the room in his shirt and boxers] No Sir! You hand 'em over - I can put on my OWN pants!

Malcolm Merriweather:
[Holding Pants] But sir, the Colonel always...!

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Never mind the Colonel! Gimme my pants!

Briscoe: "More power to you."

Briscoe: "Just bed and a Bible."

Andy: "That's mighty fine juggin', Mr. Darlin'."

Aunt Bee: "Andy... Did you like the white beans you had for supper?"
Andy: "(Yes.)"
Aunt Bee: "Well, you didn't say anything."
Andy: "I ate four bowls. If that ain't a tribute to white beans, I don't know is."
Aunt Bee: "Well.."
Andy: "Eatin' speaks louder than words."

Aunt Bee: "How'd you like the white beans, Mr. Briscoe?"
Briscoe: "They was good."
Aunt Bee: "Well, you didn't say anything."
Andy: "He ate four bowls."
Briscoe: "Eatin' speaks louder than words."
Aunt Bee: (to Andy)"You told him to say that."
Andy: "That's a very famous sayin'!"

Barney Fife:
Inkem binkem notamus rex, protect us all from the man with the hex.

[Arnold has just been taken by his father to the woodshed against his will crying and screaming "I want my bike!"]

Opie Taylor:
Is Arnie going to get spanked, Pa?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Don't you think he deserves it?

Opie Taylor:
I don't want to say. After all, he is one of my own kind.

Andy: "A boy should get these things from his father, and nobody else."

Andy:

Gomer Pyle:
[Barney is upset with Gomer and walks out, refusing to speak to him] What's the matter with Barney?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Well Gomer, Barney's been bitten by the green eyed monster.

Gomer Pyle:
He has? Well they got some stuff down at the drugstore that'll keep 'em off of you. One fell on me just yesterday!

Briscoe Darling:
[as they're waiting for Ernest T to show up] Ya bring your stringin' instrument, Sheriff?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Oh, I didn't think we'd have time for music.

Briscoe Darling:
You got time to breathe, you got time for music. How many strings you used to?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
There are six on my guitar.

Briscoe Darling:
Well, here's one with five. Just kinda let that thumb hang free and enjoy the music!

PFC Dudley A. 'Dud' Wash:
Hey, how about playing "Never Hit Your Grandmaw With A Great Big Stick"?

Charlene Darling Wash:
Aw, Dud, that makes me cry.

Barney:

Convicts at Large is my favorite episode.

NAOMI: Don't worry. Maude's a very clever woman. She'll think of something brilliant. Just watch.
MAUDE: (shouting out to Barney & Floyd) There's nobody here. (Naomi and Sally roll their eyes at each other.)

FLOYD: Maude.. Al.. If those hamburgers are ruined, I won't be responsible.

Andy: "...now that's what I call personalized service."

Barney: "What do you think this is, a Boy Scout badge?"

Clarabelle: "Oh, we take walks, and we see things."

Andy: "...that rough stuff don't go in here!"
Barney: "We don't allow it!"

Barney: "Darn you, Rube Sloan!"

Clarabelle: "We sell elixir for celebrations."

Opie: "...I could use special flowers."

Otis: "Us town drunks we got a code we live by."

Barney: "You know what that smells like?"
Andy: "Smells a little like liquor, don't it?"

Floyd Lawson:
How come you're putting on your uniform?

Deputy Barney Fife:
In case we decide to hitchhike.

Floyd Lawson:
Oh.

Deputy Barney Fife:
In civies I'm a little hard looking.

(First lines of the series.)
Andy: "Anybody here know why these two should not be wed? Speak now or forever hold your peace. I now pronounce you ma -- "

Goober Pyle:
Did you know she's been walkin' all over town wearin' it?

Floyd Lawson:
Yeah. It's mink!

Goober Pyle:
Yeah, she told me. They're vicious little animals, ya know.

Andy: Miss Crump is a fine person – just a fine person – and I can understand you likin' her a lot.

[the Darlings have come to Andy for help with Ernest T. Bass]

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Well, can't you and your boys handle him?

Briscoe Darling:
Well, we thought about killin' him, kinda hated to go that far.

Ernest: "I don't chew my cabbage twice. And you ain't heard the last of Ernest T. Bass."

Briscoe: "The boys ain't much on talkin'."

Briscoe: "I wouldn't put it past him; he's as mean as a snake."

Barney: "I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man on Earth."

Barney: (to Ernest)"You're some kind of nut!"
Ernest T.: "But I'm a good dancer."
Barney: "I don't care what you are."

Barney: (to Andy)"What we really need around here is an extra deputy."

Briscoe Darling:
Dud, did you tell Ernest T. Bass the Sheriff wanted to see him?

Dud Wash:
I couldn't find him, Mr. Darlin'. His cousin said he went into the woods to kill a mockingbird.

Andy Taylor:
He doesn't sound like a very nice person.

Briscoe Darling:
One of the worst we got.

Andy: "Well, I'll be dogged."

Barney: (to Andy)"You beat everything, you know that?"

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Aww, Emmett does all right.

Goober Pyle:
Yeah, but he don't drive a big car like that.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Well, they're nice to have, but they're not everything. Emmett's got a good life. He's got good friends and a nice wife. Those things are important.

Goober Pyle:
Well, they got to be if you ain't got a big car.

Barney: "Shall we get the shovel?"

Barney: "Come on, let's dig up the divorce."

Andy: "It might not work. I don't have a buckeye in my pocket."

Charlene: "It's the curse of the white horse."

Ernest T.: "Surprise, surprise, I can see it in your eyes."

(In low voices:)
Andy: "He's a challenge."
Barney: "He's a menace."

Ernest: "I ain't no sow's ear, and I ain't no creature!!"

Andy: "I gusee it's true. There ia a man for every woman."

Barney Fife: “Boy, giraffes are selfish.”

Barney: "We've got an English Otis on our hands."

Barney: "Boy, there's nothin' I hate worse than a wino on a cryin' jag."

Aunt Bee: "Well, what do you think happened?"
Barney: "I'll tell you what happened. He fell off the wagon, that's what happened."

“Andy Taylor: Goodbye, goodbye. Partin' is such sweet sorrow that I would say goodbye till it be morrow.

Opie Taylor: What's THAT mean?

Andy Taylor: Well, that means I'd love to set and jaw with ya a while longer, but I got to be a-movin' on.”

Skippy: "Let's play jail!"
Daphne: "Yeah! Let's play jail!"

Thelma Lou:

Goober: "I been there."

Goober's first line: "Hey, Andy."

Goober: "Judy, Judy, Judy, Judy, Judy."

Barney & Floyd:

Barney: "Ugliest girl you ever saw in your life."

Andy: "That burial plot alone's worth a fortune."

Goober: "I already been."

Barney: "Not much lays on his chest."

Jalene/Naomi:

(Andy's catchphrase): "You beat everything, you know that?"

Barney: "Otis, we're supposed to be runnin' a jail here, not a hotel."

“Sheriff Andy Taylor: Look at him go. He's a strange one.

Recruiting Sergeant: He's a wild one.

Deputy Barney Fife: He's a nut.”

Malcolm Tucker: "Why did they leave a boy like that in charge?"

Malcolm: "I've been in towns in my time, but this beats 'em all."

“Sheriff Andy Taylor: Now, you can't be serious about resignin'. What in the world will you do?

Deputy Barney Fife: Oh, I-I don't know. I could go up to the pickle factory. They always need a brine tester.”

Andy: "I just say when you see a weazel's tracks, lock up your hens!"

Andy Taylor:
Well, I caught him earlier on a 10-17.

Barney Fife:
Hat in a horse trough?

Andy Taylor:
Yeah.

Clara Johnson: "Confidentially I'm using more allspice."

Goober: "You don't believe in any of that magic stuff, do you, Barn?"
Barney: "I'm not sayin' there is such a thing as the supernatural, but things have happened, that have never been explained."

Barney: "Now I remember. Ohh, brother. She's a dog!"
Thelma Lou: "Barney Fife, how can you be so cruel?"
Barney: "I'm not bein' cruel, I'm bein' honest."

Andy: "Well, Floyd, I think that is a outstandin' idea."

IF YOU TWO FELLAS WANT TO CALL
OFF THE FEUD, THAT'S FINE BY ME,

BUT IF IT'S GONNA BE A-FEUDIN',
THERE BETTER BE SOME SHOOTIN'.

Dud Wash: "I accuse."

Nate Bracey. I always said you had one of the most musical names I ever heard.

Oh, thanks.

Barney: "It was one of the great natural romances of all time, and it's still goin' on."

Barney: "Yeah. One of the great natural romances of all time."

Aunt Bee: "According to you, the Lord made two sexes... men and blabbermouths."

Andy: "That was well put."

Andy: (to Ellen)...nature's been good to you. I mean real, real, REAL good. I-I can't remember when I've seen nature spend so much time on any one person."

SHAMPOOS?

WHAT'S HE CHARGE
FOR THAT?

80 CENTS.

80 CENTS?

JUST TO WASH YOUR HEAD?

HATE TO HAVE HIM
GIVE ME A BATH.

Ernest:
"Old Aunt Mariah, jump in the fire.
Fire too hot, jump in the pot.
Pot too black, jump in the crack.
Crack too high, jump in the sky.
Sky too blue, jump in the canoe.
Canoe too shallow, jump in the tallow.
Tallow too soft, jump in the loft.
Log too rotten, jump in the cotton.
Cotton so white she stayed there all night!"

Barney Fife:
All I'm saying is that there are some things beyond the ken of mortal man that shouldn't be tampered with. We don't know everything, Andy. There's plenty goin' on right now in the Twilight Zone that we don't know anything about and I think we oughta stay clear.

Andy: "That boy has got to go."

Myrt 'Hubcaps' Lesh: That's the clunker we sold to that boob in Mayberry.

Doc: "I'm just playin' it smart, Tiny.... let him think he's a big shot, lead him on far enough, and that hick deputy's gonna be our free pass out of here."

Andy: (to Barney)"You know who that sounds like?"
Barney: "Who?"
Andy: "You."

FLOYD! DO YOU HAVE TO
DUST ME LIKE THAT?

I'M NOT A DISEASED CROP!

Ron Howard changed a line in this season 2 episode of The Andy Griffith Show (https://www.metv.com/stories/ron-howard-recalls-his-first-script-contribution-as-a-young-opie-taylor)

An early Opie opus.

Opie: "They got a flower makin' machine."

Andy: "What kind of machine? What does it look like?"
Opie: "Well, it's a big round copper with a fire under it. And there's a pipe that curls 'round and 'round like this, and runs into a little bucket. 'bye, Paw."
(Opie exits.)

Opie: "But I don't know why you're supposed to be happy about losin'."

Mayor Pike: "That means it can only be payed back with Confederate money!"

Opie: "As long as she's in the family, I don't care if she's my wife or my mother."

Ernest T. Bass: I'm a little mean, but I make up for it by bein' real healthy. Say you'll be mine. Say you'll be my beloved!

Aunt Bee: "Don't they make a picture?"

Aunt Nora: "He's the handsomest man in our family."

Uncle Ollie: "You know what they say about schoolteachers, Andy."

Uncle Ollie: "You know what they say about (widows), Andy."

(repeated line.)
First Treasury Agent: "We'll wait."

Gomer: "Hijacked?! Shazam."

Barney: "A decoy."
Andy: "Shazam."

[QUOTE=Ohio8;6366931](repeated line.)
First Treasury Agent: "We'll wait."

Gomer: "Hijacked?! Shazam."

Andy: "The truck was nothin' but a decoy."
Gomer: "A decoy? Shazam."

Barney: "A decoy."
Andy: "Shazam.:

WoGPmRN5Mpk

We’re counting down the top 20 most quotable lines of dialogue from The Andy Griffith Show. There’s no shortage of hilarious one-liners from Andy, Opie, Barney Fife and others in Mayberry, so our number one criteria will be lines we love to say in everyday situations.

We can thank Andy Griffith show writers Everett Greenbaum and Jim Fritzell for most of these most memorable lines. If we miss any of YOUR favorite quotes from The Andy Griffith Show, be sure to let us know in the comments. Okay, let’s count’em down!


0:00 20 Andy Griffith Quotes We Love To Say
0:52 20) Citizen’s Arrest
1:21 19) You beat everything, you know that?
1:38 18) Boy, giraffes are selfish.
1:56 17) I’m a little mean but make up for it by being real healthy.
2:14 16) I think he’s a nut.
2:27 15) Do a good day’s work and act like somebody.
2:44 14) That one makes me cry.
3:00 13) Man’s entitled to his opinion.
3:23 12) You’re not talking to a jerk, ya know!
3:37 11) Hello, doll!
3:46 10) Well, we thought about killin’ him. Kinda hated to go that far.
4:06 9) It’s therapedic.
4:30 8) Now you’re gonna Glenn Ford it all over town.
4:46 7) I’d like to wait for the official verification.
4:59 6) $6 a week and what do I get? Heartaches! Nothing but heartaches!
5:17 5) It didn’t make sense to upset the folks running around blabbing makin’ a big moulage out of it.
5:33 4) Shazam!
5:45 Like & Subscribe
5:58 3) This is big. Big big. Big ain’t the word for it.
6:14 2) Just call the man!
6:33 I ain't got time to stand around here and discuss trivial trivialities.
6:44 Meat!
6:56 Dogs. Nothin' but dogs. Andy, if you flew a quail through this room, every woman in it would point!
7:09 Here at The Rock, we have two rules!
7:20 If those hamburgers are ruined, I won't be responsible!
7:34 Kerosene?
7:44 1) Nip it in the bud!
8:06 More of The Andy Griffith Show

Briscoe Darling: Sheriff, tell your deputy to be quiet before he gets us all stoned to death!

Barney Fife: Andy, I've this one dead to rights! Otis was drunk. I even gave him a test. I drew a line on the sidewalk and told him to walk it. You know what he said?
Andy Taylor: What?
Barney Fife: He asked me what line. I've got this one right, Andy. Otis was drunk!
Andy Taylor: That right, Otis? Did you ask Deputy Fife what line?
Otis Campbell: Yeah; but I didn't have my specs on and drunk or sober, I can't see much without my specs.
Andy Taylor: Otis, three hours ago when Deputy Fife arrested you were you drunk?
Otis Campbell: I don't know; I wasn't wearin' my glasses.

Aunt Bee: "A little of Roger goes a long way."

Barney: "Of all the times."

Otis: (drunk)"In this country, a man takes care of his horse first."

Barney Fife: Well, I guess to sum it up, you could say, there's three reasons why there's so little crime in Mayberry. There's Andy, and there's me, and
[patting gun]
Barney Fife: baby makes three.

Gomer: (to Barney)"What's maximum security?"
Barney: "That's keys in the drawer."

Barney: (to Andy)"What do you take us for? A couple of fools?"

Barney Fife: Now, men, here at the rock we have two main rules. Remember them so you can say them in your sleep. Rule number one: obey all rules. Secondly do not write on the walls as it is very difficult to remove writing off of walls.

Barney: “Six dollars a week, and what do I get? Heartaches! Nothing but heartaches!”

"Being sorry is not the magic word that makes everything right again." - Sheriff Andy Taylor