Radar (enters post-op): "Boy. That guy really gets on my nerves." (Margaret kisses Radar and exits.). Radar(to Charles): "Wow, wow. Hot lips."

Hot Lips -"Oh, go salute yourself!"

Hawkeye - "Ah Halloween in Korea.......bobbing for shrapnel!"

Hot Lips: "JUST A MOMENT! Isn't that Franks bag?"
Trapper "I thought you were Franks bag!"

Hawkeye - "Okay Radar, state your business in one word or less."

Col. Blake - "Klinger, it's my considered opinion that no one is going to believe you are pregnant."

Hot Lips: "CAPTAIN PIERCE!"
Hawkeye: "Later baby."
Hot Lips: "That's Major to you!"
Hawkeye: "OK, later Major baby."

Hawkeye: "What is it Radar? And keep in mind we can't do miracles with height."



Hawkeye (to Radar): "Go on, get mad. I love it when those little wisps of steam come out your ears."

Charles: "Hunnicut"
B.J.: "Winchester"
Charles: "Where's your friend Pierce?"
B.J.: "It's Thursday. The nurses hang their underwear on the line. He takes a sandwich and makes a day of it."

Patient: "Nurse...do you happen to have any idea how beautiful you are?" (The
nurse turns around. It's Klinger.) Klinger: "Do you have any idea how many times I've heard that line?"

Fr. Mulcahey (runs into Col. Blakes office while Blake, Hawkeye, Trapper and 2 nurses are listening to the Army-Navy game) : "Let's hear one for the gipper!"

Blake: "Father; Notre Dame isn't even playing!"

Mulcahey: "Oh" "Then...what's all the excitement about?"

Hawkeye: "This is war...it's filthy...it stinks. Beej, can I borrow your cologne?"

Radar" I have a message...Lt. Col...Henry Blakes plane...was shot down...over the Sea of Japan...it spun in...there were no survivors."


(my father always used to laugh at this scene for some reason)

Klinger (when asked if he'd be interested in a sex-change operation)" YOU MEAN SOMEONE WOULD ACTUALLY...?"
"YOU MEAN TAKE A KNIFE AND...?"
"YOU'RE CRAZIER THAN I AM!"

Radar: "HERE THEY COOME." Spearchucker: "I don't hear nothin'." Radar: "Wait for it."

(Hawkeye challenges Frank to a duel.) Trapper: "Swords or pistols?" Hawkeye: "I was thinking of specimen bottles at twenty paces." Frank: "There are ladies present." Hawkeye: "Oh. (to Hot Lips): "Sorry, baby." Hot Lips: "'Major' to you." Hawkeye: "Right. Sorry, major baby."

(Trapper literally kicks Frank out of the Swamp.) Hawkeye: "I thought he'd never leave."

(Hawkeye picks up a rock and aims it at Frank.) Hot Lips: "Captain, put that down."

Hawkeye: "The mummy strikes."

Hawkeye: "Am I ranting? I hope so; you know my ranting gets raves."

Col. Potter: "Hey boys." Hawkeye: "Yeah what?" ( Hawkeye looks down and sees a certain teddy bear. He picks it up and holds it.) Hawkeye: "Good-bye, Radar."

Radar: "HERE THEY COOME." Spearchucker: "I don't hear nothin'." Radar: "Wait for it."

(Hawkeye challenges Frank to a duel.) Trapper: "Swords or pistols?" Hawkeye: "I was thinking of specimen bottles at twenty paces." Hot Lips: "There are ladies present." Hawkeye: "Oh. Sorry, baby." Hot Lips: "'Major' to you." Hawkeye: "Right. Sorry, major baby."

(Trapper literally kicks Frank out of the Swamp.) Hawkeye: "I thought he'd never leave."

(Hawkeye picks up a rock and aims it at Frank.) Hot Lips: "Captain, put that
down."

Hawkeye: "The mummy strikes."
no, you got the first part wrong. Rader looks around, then Spearchucker runs up and says "What is it?" and Radar says "Choppers!"
Spearchucker says "I don't hear anything." (not "I don't hear nothin' ") Radar says "Wait for it" Then he points to the side and says "There" THEN he shouts "CHOPPERS!" and runs off.

Hawkeye: "Three hours ago this man was in (a) battle. Two hours ago we operated on him...He's got a 50-50 chance...We win some we lose some...That's what it's all about...No promises. No guaranteed survival. No saints in surgical garb...Our willingness, our experience, our technique are not enough....Guns and bombs and antipersonnel mines have more power to take life than we have to preserve it.

"Not a very happy ending for a movie. But then no war is a movie."

Frank: "Listen, Pierce, I thought maybe later on we could stroll over to Rosies bar Hmmm? Maybe pick up a couple nurses?"
Hawkeye: "Frank this is so sudden, I don't have a thing to wear."
Frank: "There's a new red-headed one who's had her eye on me and tonight she may get her chance!"
Margaret: "You mean that new Lt., Major?"
Frank: "Yes, that's the one."
Margaret: "She's a little young don't you think?"
Frank: "Oh I don't know-a little youth might be good for a change!"
(Margaret turns and walks out in a huff)
Frank turns to Hawkeye and B.J. and smiles "I really got her with that one huh fellows!"

Trapper: "Klinger's not a pervert!"
Hot Lips: "HOW DO YOU KNOW?"
Trapper: "Because I'm one and he's never at the meetings!"

Potter (to B.J.): "No sweat. Radar runs the outfit, anyway."

Radar: "Look at her eyes."
Potter: "Like Fay Wray."
Radar: "I don't know her."
Potter: "King Kong, this big monkey, carried her to the top of the Empire State Building."
Radar: "Wowww! I've heard there were some weirdos in New York."

Frank (to Margaret): "I hope you have a big scar!"

hawkeye to bj i hate me and i hate you and i hate this whole life here

Radar: "Gee I hope I don't cry."
B.J.: "It's no sin, Radar."
Radar: "When was the last time you felt like crying, sir?"
B.J.: " What time is it?"

Hot Lips: "I demand satisfaction."
Hawkeye: "Tired lately, Frank?"

A Radar quote:

Frank Burns: I know I'm a real asset.
Hawkeye Pierce: You're only off by two letters. :D

Ed.

Clete Roberts: "Is there anybody back home you'd like to say hello to?"

Frank: "Oh no-I know how everybody feels about me."

Gen. Barker: "Doesn't anybody in this outfit ever go to sleep?"
Radar: "Only on duty, sir."

After Hawkeye turns in the underage soldier, the boys says he will hate him for the rest of his life.

Hawkeye: I hope it's a nice long hate.

Frank: "Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce."

Radar: "Stop makin' fun of my height!"
Hawkeye: "What height? You have no height to make fun of. Go get some height; we'll make fun of it."

Frank: (To Hawkeye) "Well, I haven't killed anybody this week. What about you, big shot?"
(Hawk grabs Frank...)
Nurse: (o.s.)"Get him, Pierce!"

Hot Lips: "Stop it! Stop it!"
Hawkeye: "I'll kill him!"
Hot Lips: "You'll have to kill me first."

Hawkeye to Radar: "Go ahead, get mad. I love it when those little wisps of steam come out of your ears!"

Frank sees Igor and another soldier standing in front of a fire: "WHERE'D YOU GET THAT WOOD SOLDIER?"
Igor: "My sister sent it to me sir!"
Frank: "Oh, ok." (he walks away-Igor looks at the other soldier and shrugs)

Hawkeye: "Are you a beer man sir? Or would you rather have a martini?"
Trapper: "A martini, that would be...I'd love a martini."
(Hawkeye hands him one( "I think you'll find these dry though quite accommodating"
Trapper: "Don't you have any olives?"
Duke: "Olives? Where do you think you are man?"
Hawkeye: "We do have to make some accommodations for the war; we are 3 miles from the front."
Trapper: "Yes but you can't really enjoy a martini without an olive." (opens a jar of olives, removes one and drops it in his martini)

well you never said they had to be from the series!:) :)

(Radar seeing Klinger in pants)

Radar: "Hey, don't I know your sister?"

Frank: "The men hate me, don't they?"
Radar: "Just your guts, sir."

Hot Lips: "THIS ISN'T A HOSPITAL!! IT'S AN INSAYNE ASYLUM!!!"

Mulcahy: (singing)
"Comrades, comrades, ever since we were boys.
Sharing each other's sorrows, sharing each other's joys."

Hawkeye: "That comes from being dead two years."

Frank: (To Hawkeye) "Who knows? Maybe you were performing surgery in your sleep."
B.J.: (Turns to Frank) "The voice of experience."

Radar: "I just got a cold shiver down my back."
Hawkeye: "Me too."

A Hawkeye quote:

Trapper: "Reality is up for grabs. One man's reality is another man's fantasy."

Hot Lips: "Garbage head."
Hawkeye: "Takes one to know one."

Hot Lips: "Another garbage head."
B.J.: "Two garbage heads are better than one."

Cho: (To Potter)"Word out, boss, you moving."

Potter: (singing)
"I love to go swimmin'
With bow-legged women.
And swim between their legs,
Swim between their legs."

Potter: (To Klinger)"Do it for Toledo."
Klinger: "Toledo."

Radar line/quote:

217855

Frank Burns - "Another week in command and I would have had you out of that dress."

Klinger - "I'm not that easy."

Trapper: "Klinger's not a pervert!" Hot Lips: "Oh, how would you know?" Trapper: "Because I'm one and he's never at the meetings."

Hawkeye: (about Frank) We'll get around him or my name's not whatever my name is.

Charles: "Hunnicutt"
B.J.: "Winchester"
Charles: "Where's your friend Pierce?"
B.J.: "It's Thursday"
Charles: "So?"
B.J.: "The nurses hang their underwear on the line. He takes a sandwich and makes a day of it."
Charles: "Nudist magazines, underwear watching...why this constant preoccupation with sex?"
B.J.: "Lack of occupation with it."

Hawkeye: "Your tapioca's blushing."

Mulcahy: "It goes on and on."

Mulcahy: "I choose to observe, rather than to participate in this."

Margaret: "I ask so little."
Hawkeye: "And you give so much."
Margaret: "You stay out of this!"
Hawkeye: "I'm out. I'm out."

B.J.: "This whole thing is so stupid!"
Hawkeye: "That's exactly what Dreyfus said."

Hawkeye: "I'll follow the Yellow Brick Road."
Potter: "Whatever."

Potter: "You know, I like a major with hot lips, and I'll tell you why."
Hawkeye: "Why?"
Potter: "Exactly."
(Potter falls down. Hawk and Beej stand him back up.)
Potter: "Did I fall down?"
B.J.: "No."
Potter: "I didn't think so."

Hawkeye: "One good bombing deserves another."

Frank: "That strikes me funny; not."

Trapper: "Count. Off!"
Hawkeye: "One. (To Radar): Are you?"
Radar: (under his breath) "That's not funny."

Hawkeye: "One good bombing deserves another."

Frank: "That strikes me funny; not."

Trapper: "Count. Off!"
Hawkeye: "One. (To Radar): Are you?"
Radar: (under his breath) "That's not funny."
dude, you're a little off on the second one. It's

Trapper: "COUNT OFF!"
Radar: (whispers to Hawkeye) "Are you one?"
Hawkeye: (turns to Radar) "Yes, are you?"
Radar: (under his breath) "that's not funny!"

B.J.: "We're about to hear Pierce's Unwashed Symphony."

Potter: "Thank Heaven."
Mulcahy: "And the manager thereof."

Potter: "Time for a permanent intermission!"

Mulcahy: "I fear the moment of retribution is at hand."

Trapper & Klinger lines/quotes:

Trapper: "Klinger, how can you wear just a skirt on a cold day like this?"
Klinger: "You think it's easy being a nut?"

Hot Lips: "Please, Frank, I've seen him with his shirt off."

Captain Pratt: "Pretty gung-ho."
Hawkeye: "And I don't care."

Frank: "I'm not either. I'm nothing."

P.A. System: "...we've got more of the latest hits."
B.J.: "Smash hits, I'm sure."

Col. Potter - “I’ve got a soft spot for Klinger. He looks a little like my son, and he dresses a lot like my wife.”

Charles: "Colonel, a closed mind is an empty mind."

Klinger: "I can't count that high."

B.J.: "He was as strong as any of us."
Hawkeye: "That's what scares me."

Frank: "Intelligence is something I stay away from."

Henry: (to Klinger)"I told you to get out of those clothes!"
Klinger: "Not 'til I'm discharged, sir."

Radar: I'm the only one who's gonna leave this place younger than I was when I came in!

Radar: "15 YEARS! I'll go to jail in my puberty a won't get out until my adultery!"

Frank: "Margaret, I need our togetherness, without it I'm desolate. I miss our oneness, our blessed union of souls."

Radar - "My father didn't have me til he was sixty-three. First time we played peek-a-boo he had a stroke."

Hawkeye quote:

Radar: "The smell, sir."
Henry: "I'll take vodka. It doesn't have any."

Hawkeye: Let's make a pact about drinking.
Trapper: All right.
Hawkeye: Let's never stop.

Potter: "Bull."
Klinger: "Oh, no, sir. Camel."

Frank: "I've seen higher."
Hawkeye: "Sure. Philadelphia in August."

Radar: "It's not fair."
B.J.: "Fair is the last thing it is."

General Steele: (to Radar) "Where are you from, son?"
Radar: "Iowa, sir."
General Steele: "NO TALKING IN RANK!"

General Steele: "Not now, Marjorie, I'm inspecting the troops."

Hawkeye: "If we don't go crazy once in a while, we'll all go crazy."

Hawkeye: "I'll see that he gets the kiddy scalpel. The one with the rubber blade."

Henry: "Boy, I'd sure love to send my hips out for a walk."

Hot Lips: "Colonel, I protest this attack on Major Burns' character in his absence."
Hawkeye: "Actually we're protesting his absence of character."

Hawkeye: "We can't dig people up just for that."

Finance officer: "You'd be surprised, the number of people who want to stick it to Uncle Sam."

Hawkeye: (as Tuttle)"My father invented bill padding."

Hawkeye: "Good luck, Doctor...In that great big waiting room in the sky."

Henry: "He was the best damn O.D. we ever had."

Hawkeye: "Henry would've loved this."
B.J.: "Fair man with a bottle, you say?"
Hawkeye: "Henry? He could've been a comparison drinker."

Klinger: "And I'm regular crazy."

Klinger: (saluting) "Colonel Potter, sir. Corporal Klinger. I'm Section 8, head to toe....I'm nuts! I should be out."
Potter: (salutes) "Horse hockey."

Hawkeye: "This way to the body and fender shop."

Potter: "Klinger...nice outfit."
Klinger: "Thank you, sir, it's from the Shirley Temple collection."

Potter: "Major Frank Burns."
Hot Lips: "Just friends, sir."

Potter: "Captain Pierce."
Hawkeye: "Yo."

Potter: "I take it you drink."
Hawkeye: "Only to excess."

Hot Lips: "JUST A MOMENT!! ISN'T THAT FRANKS BAG?"
Trapper: "I thought you were franks bag!"

Charles: "Where's your friend Pierce?"
B.J.: "It's Thursday"
Charles: "So"
B.J.: "The nurses hang their underwear on the line. He takes a sandwich and makes a day of it."


And the one EVERYBODY agrees on:
Radar: "I have a message...Lt. Col....Henry Blakes plane...was shot down...over The Sea of Japan...it spun in...there were no survivors."

Frank: "WHERE'D YOU GET THAT WOOD SOLDIER?"
Igor: "Uh..my sister sent it to me sir!"
Frank: "Oh, ok" (turns and walks away)

Frank: "45 dollars."
B.J.: "Sold."
Hawkeye: "Are alterations included?"
Frank: "Ah, go practice your putts."

Charles: "Nudist magazines. Underwear watching. Why this constant pre-occupation with sex?"
B.J.: "Lack of occupation with sex."

Just remember, there's a right way and a wrong way to do everything and the wrong way is to keep trying to make everybody else do it the right way.

~Colonel Potter

B.J.: "The South Koreans are getting younger."
Potter: "Complain to Sygman Rhee."

Radar: (to B.J.)"Take good care of him, Doc."
B.J.: "Friend of yours, Radar?"
Radar: "Somebody said he's from Iowa."
B.J.: "He's not from Iowa anymore."

B.J.: "I smell something burning."
Hawkeye: "I do hope it's not the crepes."
Frank: "Watch your language!"

Hawkeye: "Colonel, I don't know how to tell you this, but I've had a better offer."
Potter: "Take me with you."

Klinger: "I'm touched!"
Trapper: "I always thought you were."

Hawkeye: (to Hot Lips)"You're angry when you're beautiful."

Margaret: "How could I ever thank you?"
Klinger: "You could let me try that nail polish!"

Klinger: "What a dump!"
Hawkeye: "The decorator's here."

(Capt. Roy Dupree tries the Swamp's gin, then drinks it in one gulp.)
Dupree: "Why don't you buys put some whiskey in this punch?"

Sgt. Gribble: (singing)
"Gonna drink a sentimental journey,
It's gonna show me the way to go home."

Sgt. Gribble: "Too much rice."

Charles to Klinger: "If you think I'm to going to write a column and pay you for the privilege then you're dumber than you look; and that boggles the mind."

Frank Burns: I know I'm a real asset.

Hawkeye: You're only off by two letters.

Radar: If I ever get out of this war alive, I’m gonna write a book exposing it all, and that guy’s gonna be in it!

A Hawkeye quote:

Frank, you've been pushing your stethoscope too far in your ears. I think it scratched your brain. -- Henry

Hot Lips: "It's disgusting!"
Hawkeye: "The critics panned it too, but we're trying to judge it on its merits."

Hot Lips: (to Henry) "...they have made a mockery of my Majority."
Hawkeye: (to Trapper)"What do you know? We're major mockers."

Why don't you sirs act like sirs, sir? -- Radar

Hawkeye: "Uh-oh."
B.J.: "What is it?"
Hawkeye: "He took his gun and his toothbrush."
B.J.: "Shooting his mouth off again."

Hot Lips: (to Hawkeye) "My sex is none of your business."
Trapper: "Just say the word."

Nurse Cutler: (to Trapper) "Major Houlihan says I'm a bit of a distraction."
Trapper: "What a rotten thing to say!"
Hawkeye: "Yeah. You're an incredible distraction."

Dr. Sidney Freedman: [to Klinger] You're a tribute to man's endurance. A monument to hope in size 12 pumps. I hope you do get out someday. There would be a battalion of men in hoop skirts right behind you.

Hawkeye: "Margaret, there's an even bigger obscenity around here. It's called the war."

Henry: "Pierce, you're the limit."

Radar: [takes a drink of Hawkeye's home-made gin, and grimaces] I thought this stuff was supposed to make you feel better.

B.J.: No. It's supposed to make you feel nothing.

Charles: "To our fathers."
Hawkeye: "And their sons."

Frank Burns: Spontaneity has its time and its place.

Hawkeye: I'm so cold I think my pilot's gone out.

Trapper: "Count off!"
Hawkeye: "One!"
Radar: "Two!"
Hawkeye: "That's about it."

Hawkeye: "'Behooves'? What are we, in the cavalry now?"

Trapper: "A combination of malpractice and flop sweat makes it hard for him to see."

“You’ve gotta understand I’m not working on sick people here. I’m working on hurt young people, with essentially healthy bodies that have been insulted by ammunition.”
BJ

Frank: "I ought to sue all of you."
Hawkeye: "No doubt for definition of character."

Sidney: (to Hawkeye)"The dream is peaceful. Reality is the nightmare."

Father Mulcahy: Colonel, an ambulance has turned over in the compound, you better come on the double.

Col. Potter: Anybody hurt?

Father Mulcahy: Well, the driver's a bit shaken-up, but he'll be all right.

Col. Potter: No-one else inside?

Father Mulcahy: No.

Col. Potter: Thank God.

Father Mulcahy: I already did

B.J.: "Here's to you, Radar."
Hawkeye: "One of a kind."
Radar: "So are you two."

“Frank, it’s after six, you can stop being snotty!”
Henry Blake

Clete Roberts: "Some of their saltier comments have been deleted."

Hawkeye: "I specialize in boredom."

B.J.: "I'm a - temporarily misassigned citizen."

Hawkeye: "The nurses are great."
B.J.: "The nurses are preposterous."
Potter: "They don't make nurses better anywhere."
Klinger: "They get back life. Can you do better?"

Klinger: "I don't know. If I had all the answers I'd run for God."

Margaret (to nurses during physical exam):Further, they can do nothing, nothing,when you are alone with them but give you a good going-over.

Radar: "I knew it. I knew it."

B.J.: "They have no respect for my work."

(Klinger talks to Frank in Arabic.)
Hawkeye: "Was that a curse, Klinger?"
Klinger: "Yes, sir. It starts the day he goes home to his wife."

Hawkeye: "I'm a better surgeon than I look."

Hawkeye: "Well, I'll try anything once."
(Hawk walks over to a building and faces it.)
Hawkeye: "Acetylsalisylic, phenobarb and arsphenamine."
(Frank comes outside.)
Hawkeye: "My God, it worked."

Mulcahy: "I wouldn't miss this for the world."
Frank: "Not you, Father."
Mulcahy: "Yes. Me, Major."
Hawkeye: "Why, you spiritual thrill seeker, you."
Mulcahy: "Wondrous is man and mysterious the ways of God. And I would have no one shield my eyes from the glory of His works."
Frank: "What does that mean?"
Mulcahy: "It means there's more than one way to skin a spirit."

Hawkeye: "That lady over there is trying to evict some spirits."
B.J.: "Doesn't have a ghost of a chance."

Hawkeye: "Tally ho."
B.J.: "If you liked the dancer, you'lll love the surgeon."

Movietone narrator: "Out here, minutes mean lives."

Potter: "...I've worked around the clock."
Hawkeye: "Sure beats working around here."

Hawkeye: "They restock the shelves when they run out."

Klinger: "You see, when back home in Toledo, when we needed something, we just stole it. (pauses) Borrowed it."

Radar: "What do I miss the most? My very own room."

Margaret: "Well you have to understand, I'm Regular Army. Most of them are not. They're a terribly unruly, and undisciplined bunch, and I thank God for each and every one of them when those casualties roll in."

Hawkeye: "I like to think of myself as a social director of the heart."

B.J.: "And it's made me...very, very angry."

Charles: "No memories; I blot it out as it happens."

Radar: "There's people here that suffer every day. And...I really don't want to talk about this."

Frank Burns: Attention all Allied personnel! There are only about half a dozen stars visible, sky-wise. I am directly under the brightest one.

Hawkeye: Very good, Frank.

B.J.: They'll start looking for us in Bethlehem.

Henry: "Klinger! That's desertion!"
Klinger: "No, sir. Honest."

Frank: "You can't park a jeep over a superior officer!"

Hawkeye: "We just heard Frank make a semi-obscene phone call."

Hawkeye: "I think I saw this movie."

Henry: "Why do I feel sorry for Frank?"

Trapper: "That looks like you, Radar."
Klinger: "Nah. The little girl's taller."
Radar: "Who asked you?!?"

Frank: "You picked a fine time to watch a dirty movie."
Hawkeye: "This was the worst of all, Frank."

Hawkeye: "It's an IOU for an attack."

Hawkeye: How much of this can a man take? We must have seen this picture twelve times in the last month. Its a recurring nightmare with popcorn.

Frank Burns: I'm taking this to a higher authority.

Trapper: Aw, Frank... you're not going to write your mother again.

Potter: "Absolutely fan. damn. tastic."

Hawkeye: "Who could ask for anything more?"

Potter: "My horse can bugle better than him."

Frank: "I don't understand this. A short, nearsighted, uneducated lower class clerk makes Lieutenant?"

Hawkeye: Everybody I know is married. It's the second biggest industry after bubblegum.

Frank: (to Henry)"So, whatever Major Houlihan says is what I feel. Anything I could add would be of little consequence."
Henry: "I won't argue with there, Frank."

Trapper: (to Frank)"You're an incredible example of death after life."

Henry: "You're always wrong, Frank. That's what's so right about you."

Henry Blake: Will you stop saying what I'm thinking?

Radar: One of us has to.

Hawkeye: Life, Liberty, and Pursuit of happy hour.

General Steele: "62 years old and fit to play halfback at the Point."
Henry: "Hike."
General Steele: "Right."

Henry: (to Frank)"Come on, let's not keep Ding Dong waiting."
Frank: "Geronimo!"

Hawkeye: "I take it we don't have to leave."
Henry: "Only the general does."
Hawkeye: "In a rubber truck."

Hawkeye: War isn't Hell. War is war, and Hell is Hell. And of the two, war is a lot worse.

Father Mulcahy: How do you figure, Hawkeye?

Hawkeye: Easy, Father. Tell me, who goes to Hell?

Father Mulcahy: Sinners, I believe.

Hawkeye: Exactly. There are no innocent bystanders in Hell. War is chock full of them - little kids, cripples, old ladies. In fact, except for some of the brass, almost everybody involved is an innocent bystander.

Frank: "Colonel Blake, can we have some measure of military discipline?"
Trapper: "Good idea. Everybody up for calisthenics."
Hawkeye: "Care to join me for some push-ups, Hot Lips?
Hot Lips: "Oh, really."

Henry: "How the hell did you get in the army, Frank?"

Potter: "Is this true?"
Hawkeye: "Every layer of it."

Charles: (to Potter)"...instead of this roadside medical stand!"

Charles: "How shabby. How unutterably shabby."

Charles: "And you chose to believe this provocateur?"
Hawkeye: "You can't call me that."
Charles: "I might have known. There are no informers in my family. Winchesters do not spy! We do, on occasion, hire them."

Cpl. Igor Straminsky: See these fresh oranges? They don't grow on trees, you know.

Radar: "Choppers!"
Hawkeye: "How many?"
Radar: "Too many."

B.J.: Big surprise dinner party. Spectacularly unforgetable. Have you ever considered renting your mouth out to the motor pool as a garage?

B.J.: "Off with the white clothes...on with the green clothes."
Hawkeye: "I always feel very patriotic when I get out of O.R. My whites are covered with red and it gives me the blues."

Charles: [Looking for Klinger] Where is that Lebanese mongoose?

Hawkeye: "Well, what's the slop du jour?"

[to Margaret]
Hawkeye: Did anyone ever tell you, you have the voice of a songbird slowly drowning in tar?

Captain Newsome: "You're probably here on the American plan."
Hawkeye: "Now see here, Newsome, that remark shows a complete lack of respect for this man's army, and all that it stands for. And I resent the fact that you beat me to it."
B.J.: "So do I."

Hawkeye: [in describing the Swamp] We like it. It's modeled after the Chicago sewer system.

Hawkeye: (to M.P.)"I'd vouch for this man's character, Lieutenant, but he doesn't have any."
Frank: "Snot! Snot! Snot!"
Hawkeye: "Have I ever lied to you?"

Radar: Sir, there's someone waiting to see you.

Henry Blake: I was born with someone waiting to see me.

Trapper: "You want to raffle off a nurse?"
Hawkeye: "Is that what I said?"

Hawkeye: "This is where the Ritz hit the fan."

Mulcahy: "Humor, too, is one of His creations."

Mulcahy:
"Now I lay me down to sleep,
A bag of peanuts at my feet.
If I should die before I wake,
Give them to my brother Jake."

Frank Burns: I love it here.
Col. Potter: Either you or Klinger is nuts. Now I have to figure out which one.

B.J.: "April's over. Where did it go?"
Hawkeye: "See how time flies when you've got a good holocaust?"

A Hawkeye quote:

Hawkeye: [in describing the Swamp] We like it. It's modeled after the Chicago sewer system.

Charles: "...Get me the hell out of here!"

B.J.: [handing Frank an unused Hari-Kari knife] Why don't you do us a favour, and break it in!

Klinger (((after a visiting nurse says she can arrange for him to have a sex change operation) "YOU MEAN SOMEONE WOULD ACTULLY....??" "YOU MEAN THEY'D TAKE A KNIFE AND...AND...??" "YOU'RE CRAZIER THAN I AM!!"










"

Klinger: Sir, I've had a lot of experience in these matters.

Hawkeye: "...the light bulb is becoming a filament of my imagination."

B.J.: Big surprise dinner party. Spectacularly unforgetable. Have you ever considered renting your mouth out to the motor pool as a garage?

Trapper: (peeking in.)"Hey! You guys want to see the pinstripe suit of all time?"
Hawkeye: "Yeah."
(Trapper enters Henry's office. The pinstripes on his suit are horizontal instead of vertical. Hawkeye and Radar start laughing.)
Hawkeye: "He's a great tailor, but with a lousy sense of direction."

Hawkeye: [speaking to Klinger] Unhand me you varlet, you know not who you touch.

Charles: "One might say I'm the pick of the literate."

Potter: "It provides a home."
Hawkeye: "Where even the buffalo wouldn't roam."

Frank Burns: [Grabs Margaret's arm to keep her from walking away from him] Margaret, can't we please talk about this?
Margaret: Remove your hand or I'll zap you with my knee.
[Frank removes his hand]

B.J. (to Radar) "I thought your liver was still a virgin."
Radar: "Don't be silly. I'm a man."
(Radar sips the Swamp's homemade gin, and reacts.)
Hawkeye: "And you thought we enjoyed the stuff."
Radar: "I thought this stuff was supposed to make you feel better."
B.J.: "No. It's supposed to make you feel nothing."

Hawkeye: (to Radar)"What's the matter?"
Radar: "He wants out."
Hawkeye: "What're you talking about? He's getting out."
Radar: "No. He wants out out. He wants to be dead. He asked for some pills or somethin'."

Klinger: (to Radar)"There's a method to my madness, O short one of the open pores."
Radar: "Watch it."

Charles: "The man's the Michelangelo of deviant behavior."

Frank Burns: Why don't you guys like me?
Hawkeye: Because you're a lousy doctor and a rotten person.

Frank: "I made a joke."
Margaret: "So did your father."

Klinger: "Looks aren't everything, you know."
Hawkeye: "Easy for you to say."

Klinger: (to Zale)"If my dog had your face, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards."

Sometimes I think it should be a rule of war that you have to see somebody up close and get to know him before you can shoot him. ~Colonel Potter

Henry: (to Private Barker): "...we had The Thing and The Blob, both in one week!"
Pvt. Barker: "Yes, sir."

B.J.: "Where are you going, Frank?"
Frank: "I don't know. Uh, just felt like grabbing a cold shower."
(Frank exits.)

Hawkeye: How much of this can a man take? We must have seen this picture twelve times in the last month. Its a recurring nightmare with popcorn.

Frank Burns quote:

Trapper: Take a walk, Frank.

Hawkeye: Yeah, take a major walk.

Klinger: "A good cigar is like a beautiful chick with a great body who also knows the American League box scores."

[about Hawkeye and BJ]
Col. Potter: Please excuse these two, they're themselves today.

A Hawkeye & Trapper quote:

Frank Burns: Courage is something you shouldn't be afraid to have.

Hawkeye: (singing)
"We're havin' a party, a Halloween party.
It might be amusing to watch a ghost boozing.

And see if it can. Can, can."

Frank Burns: Klinger, how dare you wear that hat while in uniform?
Klinger: It's spring, sir.

Henry: "Death in the family?"
Radar: "Almost."

Hawkeye: Klinger, get back here as fast as you can. We want a few minutes before the party to beat the daylights out of you.

Klinger: "He has no compound interest."

Klinger: "He's crazier than I am."

I’ve eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I’ve eaten so much fish, I’m ready to grow gills! I’ve eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I’m smothered in bacon and onions”

- Hawkeye

Charles: (to Igor)"Private, you have ruined my appetite, and I. Am. Grateful."

Potter: "People aren't always what they seem, Radar."

(Col. Lacey enters post-op.)
B.J.: "The iceman cometh."

Hawkeye: (to B.J.)"Get out of the way. I'm going to beat the daylights into him."

Sometimes I think it should be a rule of war that you have to see somebody up close and get to know him before you can shoot him. ~Colonel Potter

A Klinger quote:

Unless we all conform, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free. ~Frank

Charles: "I've never been so insulted in my life."
Hawkeye: "God knows I've tried."

Marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Let me tell you, honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce. ~Frank Burns

There are no friends in wartime. ~Frank Burns

Hawkeye: "This country's a course in creative killing."

Medic: "How can Americans do that to each other?"
B.J.: "Ever see Gone with the Wind?"

Charles: (to Hawkeye)"Surely you jest."
Hawkeye: "Leave Shirley out of this."

Charles: [Looking for Klinger] Where is that Lebanese mongoose?

Radar: "What's a cretin?"
Frank: "A moron. A mental defective."
Hawkeye: "Straight from the horse's mouth."

Hawkeye: "A quart of Old Grand Dad from my grand old dad....A fruitcake from my nutty Aunt Sarah."
Klinger: "You keep your Christmas spirit(s). I'll take the cake."
B.J.: "I'll drink to that."

Potter: "Christmas carols! Iiii love 'em."

B.J.: "A family's Christmas wreath should be green, not black."

Mulcahy: "Christmas should be thought of as a day of birth."

Hawkeye: You're a better nurse than I am, Gunga Din.

Hawkeye: (singing)"I wish there were a radio way up in Heaven, so I could say 'hello' to Mother every day."
Hot Lips: "I didn't know you could sing."
Hawkeye: "Was I singing? I thought I was dancing."

Frank: I'm fine, Mom. Well actually, I'm not. You see, I had this friend. And this friend only pretended to like me. You know, the way Dad used to?

Radar: "You said it yourself, Hawkeye. Nobody should tell somebody else how to run their life."

Margaret: I am a woman, after all.

Hot Lips: "Frank...leave. And don't slam the door."
(Frank explains why he became a doctor.)
Hot Lips: "Take your face and -- your married face and get out."
Frank: "Avec plaisir, Miss Snake-in-the-Grass."
Hot Lips: "You should talk, you two-timing four-flusher."

Hawkeye: [after discovering a patient that is a baby] Boy, did his draft board go crazy!

Potter: "Getting all this, Pierce?"
Hawkeye: "Sure. (reads from clipboard) 'Give it a whirl sometime, doc.' 'You give it a whirl, sonny'."
Potter: "Just checking."
(Radar bursts in with an "incoming" message.)
Hawkeye: "School's out."
B.J.: "Saved by the hell."

Henry Blake: [at his farewell party, drunk] Woo, woo, woo!

Charles to Klinger: "If you think I'm to going to write a column and pay you for the privilege then you're dumber than you look; and that boggles the mind."

B.J.: "No alcohol before breakfast."

Hawkeye: "Our motto is 'Life, liberty and the pursuit of happy hour.'"

Hawkeye Pierce: What does everybody want here? What do these people want more than anything else?

Hawkeye: "The Frank and Hot Lips of old Seville."

Hawkeye: "Which one of you's gonna tell him he's not the champ anymore?"
Klinger: "You're a pistol."

Henry: "See what happens when you play with guns?"

Henry: "I feel like death on a soda cracker."

[Calling Maj. Freedman]

Hawkeye: Sidney? Hawkeye Pierce. Did I interrupt you in the middle of someone?

Henry: "No bleeding is the best, Radar."

Captain Halloran: (to Klinger)"Hey. Up close you're a guy."
Klinger: "Far away, too."

Capt. Sam Pak: "He was a farmer before the war, and then he had to hit the road. Literally."

Father Mulcahy: Colonel, an ambulance has turned over in the compound, you better come on the double.

Potter: "Phone call couldn't have come at a better time, Radar.'
Hawkeye: "Nice work, Radar."
Radar: "Thanks...."

Hawkeye: (to Radar)"How come you're in the front?"
Radar: "Because I do the filing."

Margaret: "I know the type."

Potter: "I run this place. What am I leaving for?"

Potter: "Hot dang, what a perfect day. Not a bomb in the sky."

Margaret: (to Klinger)"Every day is Independence Day, soldier, when you know where you're going."

Hawkeye: I think he's vacuuming Korea. Eisenhower's coming; he wants everything just so.

(thinking while writing home)
Hawkeye: "The only man in sight is Radar O'Reilly. An amazing kid. I've never put much stock in ESP, but if it is possible for one person to read another person's mind, Radar has that ability. The little fink."
Radar: (passes by and stops)"Is that a nice thing to say?"

Radar: "Geez, is he hurt bad?"
Hawkeye: "He ain't hurt good."

Henry Blake:

Radar: [takes a drink of Hawkeye's home-made gin, and grimaces] I thought this stuff was supposed to make you feel better.

B.J.: No. It's supposed to make you feel nothing.

Hawkeye: "Lieutenant Kellye, that cigar is you."
Col. Potter: "To Sherry Pershing Potter, my granddaughter. A long and healthy hitch."
The others: (in unison)"Hear! Hear!"
(Klinger enters with beers on a tray.)
Klinger: "Herrre we go. Reinforcements, Colonel Grandpa."
B.J.: "Klinger, where'd you get that negligee?"
Klinger: "I found it in the garbage."
Hawkeye: "War is such a waste."
Potter: "Klinger, it's you."

Hawkeye: Great little war we have here.

Radar: I could do without it.

Henry Blake: Do we have enough sherry and ginger-ale for the General?

Radar: Oh, nobody does, sir.

Henry Blake: Oh, fine then, if nobody does we don't have to, but make sure we do, just in case we don't.

Frank Burns: This is the last straw!

Hawkeye: Remind me to order more straws.

B.J.: [handing Frank an unused Hari-Kari knife] Why don't you do us a favour, and break it in!

Hawkeye: "Think of it as a typical weekend in Cleveland."

Klinger: "See if he gets my vote for dictator."

B.J.: Well, there's your pimples.

Frank Burns: My pores won't close.

Hawkeye: "They may have to close the war."

Radar: "You're makin' a terrible mistake."
Hawkeye: "If we did nothing else, we got you to wash your hands."
Radar: "Yes, sir."

[a chopper is carrying Lt. Col. Blake's desk away]

Hawkeye: Pardon me, Henry, isn't that your desk?

Henry Blake: Yeah, that's my genuine antique desk.

Trapper: Sending it out to be waxed?

Henry Blake: I'm not sure what it's doing up there. Just keeps going up... up... up...

Hawkeye: To a far, far better place, I'm sure.

Hawkeye: "Eleven o'clock and all's hell."

B.J.: "Come on. Let's get out from under this hot moon."

Potter: "Not today, Klinger. I'm very close to my boiling point."

“Listen, it’s too big a world to be in competition with everyone. The only person who I have to be better than is myself. And in your case, that’s enough.”
Col. Potter

Frank: "I've always felt people volunteer better by force."

P.A. System: "The deceased will deliver the eulogy."

There are no friends in wartime. ~Frank Burns

Klinger: "Ten of clubs. Ace of spades. King of diamonds. Jack of hearts. This; this is the crucial card. Ahhh. Queen of diamonds. Holy mackerel! I drew a straight!"
(B.J. laughs.)

Hawkeye: (to Rosie)"Check the wine cellar."

Potter: "Nice blessing, Father. Standard prayer?"
Mulcahy: "It's a golden oldie."

Potter: "Concubines? In a school house?"

Korean madam: "Business before war."

If we don't go crazy once in a while, we'll all go crazy. ~Hawkeye

Klinger: "This is the first time I ever broke into a bell."

Klinger: (to Margaret)"I am covered, Major, I'm covered in glory."

Major Ross: (to Klinger)"Good heavens, what are you?"
Klinger: "Just a simple Lebanese psycho."

Hawkeye: "Over my already dead body."

Unless we all conform, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free. ~Frank, "Novocaine Mutiny

Potter: (singing)
"Keep the home fires burning,
(all)While your hearts are yearning,
Though your lads are far away
They dream of home.

There's a silver lining
Through the dark clouds shining,
Turn the dark cloud inside out
'til the boys come home."

Don’t mind Pierce and Hunnicutt, they’re both first rate surgeons.

Margaret

Col. Potter singing in the shower:

"O I love to go swimmin'
with bow-legged women
and swim between their legs...swim between their legs!"

Hawkeye singing in the shower:

"They asked me how I knew
her brassiere was blue"

“There are so many things I was sure I’d have in my life by now. Every birthday reminds me of what’s still not there. This just turned out to be another day in the middle of nowhere.”
Margaret

Potter: "Marines make great fighters, but they're lousy drivers."

Potter: "The snow's getting pretty thick in here."

Hawkeye: "That's as easy as falling off a log."

“There are so many things I was sure I’d have in my life by now. Every birthday reminds me of what’s still not there. This just turned out to be another day in the middle of nowhere.”
Margaret

B.J.: "Not a very fair war."
Hawkeye: "Contradiction in terms."

Frank: "A captain can't give a major an order."
Hawkeye: "Then it's a threat."
Frank: "Well, that's different. It was a great war 'til you guys showed up."

Hawkeye: "This neighborhood's certainly falling apart."

Potter: (to Klinger)"Into the cave with the rest of the bats."

Frank Burns: I'm taking this to a higher authority.
Trapper: Aw, Frank... you're not going to write your mother again.

"Later, baby."
"THAT'S MAJOR TO YOU!"
"OK, later Major baby."

“Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war and rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is doctors can’t change rule number one.”
- Henry Blake

Hawkeye: "B.J.?...B.J., IT'S RADAR!"
(B.J. runs over.)
B.J.: "Ohhh, my God."

Potter: "What the hell was he doing out there in a Jeep, anyway? What a waste."

Potter: (to Hawkeye)"What's your explanation?"
Hawkeye: "I screwed up."

(Father Mulcahy enters the Swamp, chews out Hawkeye, and exits.)
B.J. (sarc. to Hawkeye) "Gee you have a marvelous effect on people."
Potter: (enters; to Hawkeye)"What the hell's the matter with you? Are you nuts?"
Hawkeye: "I think I must be. Yes."
Potter: "I think you are. I no sooner give you a lecture on one patient, then you go in and try to destroy another! Maybe we should aim you at the Chinese."
Margaret: (enters; to Hawkeye)"I'd like to talk to you."
B.J.: "This oughta be good."

Potter: "Your behavior is incomprehensible....And I think you DAMN WELL better do something about it! Now what do you think?"
Hawkeye: "I think you're right."
(Hawkeye exits.)
Margaret: "I never got to say anything!"

Henry: "Can't you let my people go?"

Trapper: "Hi, Frank."
Frank: "A lot you care."

Frank: "When that flag goes up the pole every morning, I go with it."
Hawkeye: "We have a hell of a time at night folding him and putting him away."

Trapper: "You know, I sometimes wonder about Frank and his wall-to-wall patriotism."

Potter: "...you'll get a better yield."
Hawkeye: ""And you'll land in jail."
B.J.: "And his orchestra."

I saw a later episode when the Army forced the 4077th to “beautify” the camp to get equipment by a Colonel. When the Colonel came to see the results and Colonel Potter said

“We worked harder than a woodpecker in a petrified forest.”

That was classic. I’m using that line in the future.

Col. Bucholtz: "I like a good tough inspection. Sharpens everybody up."

B.J.: "Good for you, Margaret. Good for you."

Henry Blake: Burns says the operating room is becoming impossible.

Hawkeye: He's right, I agree. All that blood and everything, and those sick people - it's terrible.

Hot Lips: "JUST A MOMENT! ISN'T THAT FRANKS BAG?"

Trapper: "I thought you were Franks bag!"

Frank Burns: I wonder if I can say something useful?

Trapper: I often wonder that too, Frank.

"AH, Bach!"

“I’ve eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I’ve eaten so much fish, I’m ready to grow gills! I’ve eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I’m smothered in bacon and onions”

- Hawkeye

Hot Lips: "Oh, Frank, do you know how exciting you are?"
Frank: "Takes one to know one."

(Frank walks into post-op and walks up to Hawkeye) Frank: "Pierce"
Hawkeye: "If you're here to help Frank, all the bedpans have already been cleaned."
Frank: "I'm here to relieve you."
Hawkeye: "You do look like an enima."

Hawkeye

I’ve eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I’ve eaten so much fish, I’m ready to grow gills!