Mulcahy: "Klinger, I thought you were an atheist."
Klinger: "Gave it up for Lent."

Hawkeye: "My two favorite words."

Trapper: "It's Frank, the all-purpose idiot."

Frank: "Super duper. That little twerp really did a good job."

When you're wearing a green tuxedo, you dance where they tell you. ~Colonel Potter

Henry and Radar:

There were so many double entendres on that show I am amazed the censors allowed them to be written. Thats what made the show so good and so naughty....

Scully: "There's always time for what counts."

Margaret: "I've got the only heart in Korea with a revolving door."

B.J.: "Leave it to Charles to be the world's first poison pen pal."

Potter: "When it comes to basketball, I'm the bee's knees."

I can take umbrage, I can take the cake, I can take the A-train. I can take two and call me in the morning, but I cannot take this sitting down.

Hawkeye

Gen. Steele (to Radar) "The irish were ROTTEN indian fighters!" "Non-coms, the back-bone of the corps. Where you from son?"
Radar: "Iowa sir!"
Gen Steele: "NO TALKING IN THE RANKS!!"


Gen. Steele: "Thank Mrs. Steele for the stewed pruned. Greatest thing since the gatling gun!" (turns to Col. Blake) "In fact, just talking about it...where's the little generals room?"
Col. Blake: "Oh, just out there sir...just turn left and...no, no that's the uh...fine sir, wherever."

Trapper: "Radar, put a mask on!"
Hawkeye: "If that's my discharge give it to me straight; I can take it."



Radar: "I have a message...Lt. Col....Henry Blakes plane...was shot down...over the Sea of Japan...it spun in...there were no survivors."

Why don't you sirs act like sirs, sir? -- Radar

Klinger: "Morty's a sausage maker. That's below butcher in the Toledo social register."

Potter: "...the free exchange of ideas."

Corpman: "Heyy, it's Corporal Godiva!"
(Charles says something)
Mulcahy: "It's Klinger on Sophie. And they're both naked."

“There are so many things I was sure I’d have in my life by now. Every birthday reminds me of what’s still not there. This just turned out to be another day in the middle of nowhere.”
Margaret

Soldier: (to Hawkeye)"Doc, I never even (graduated) high school."

Hawkeye: "Santa Claus is coming to town."
Frank: "He is not."

Know this. You can cut me off from the civilized world. You can incarcerate me with two moronic cellmates. You can torture me with your thrice daily swill, but you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester. My voice shall be heard from this wilderness and I shall be delivered from this fetid and festering sewer.”

- Charles Emerson Winchester III

Radar: "Can you get drunk on Grape Nehi?"
Hawkeye: "I don't know. Let's find out."

Why don't you sirs act like sirs, sir? -- Radar

.

P. A. System: "Until then, have a nice war."

Frank: "Gary Cooper played him."

Henry: "Yeah, well, he also wore tutus and ate whole bakeries, Frank."

Hawkeye: "Take the money, mister; don't staple us."

P.A. System: "The one, and only, Five O'clock Charlie!"

Trapper: (to Hawkeye) "You think they got him?"
Hawkeye: "I think they got him and a half."

Hawkeye: (to wounded sniper) "You don't know how lucky you are to be getting this house call."

.

Talking to Major Houlihan is the same as talking to me as we are intimate with each other at all times -- Frank

Pvt. Walter Peterson: "I'm a Marine. We're the best."
Hawkeye: "I'm a coward. We're the worst."

A device is yet to be invented that will measure my indifference to this remark. -- Hawkeye

Margaret: "You know what day this is? Friday the 13th."
Frank: "She's right and nah.. doesn't mean a thing."
Hawkeye: "Don't say that Frank. I once spent Friday the 13th in a haunted house with a friend. I was never more frightened in my life."
Potter: "You see a ghost?"
Hawkeye: "No, her husband materialized out of nowhere."

Money is far down on my list, major. It comes second or third...... Second. -- Margaret

Hawkeye: (to Potter)"Even Frank Burns?"
Major Choi: "You mean old Ferret Face?"

Major Charles Emerson Winchester III: "Coffee is not supposed to be a solid!"

Frank: "Yeah. Friends'll kill you every time."

Radar: "I'm just trying to improve myself."
Frank: "Improving yourself is a waste of time!"
B.J.: "Frank should know. He gave up long ago."

Radar: "Simplistically yours,...Walter."

Hot Lips: "I wonder how a degenerated person like that (Hawkeye) could have reached a position of responsibility in the Army Medical Corps?"

Father Mulcahy: "He was drafted."

Hello, excuse me. Attention out there, would corporal Radar O'Reilly please report to his going-away-party? All of your friends would love to see you, while they can still see you. -- Hawkeye over PA

BJ: "Can't you do something about Frank?"
Potter: "Like sit him down and have a talk with him."
Hawkeye: "No, maybe stand him up and have him shot."
Potter: "Don't be absurd, there'd be an Inguiry."

Don't worry, I've never lost a patient. I never lose anything. Have you seen my stethoscope? -- Hawkeye

Soldier: "I hear you guys are terrific doctors but you don't exactly go by the book."

B.J.: "Sure we do."

Hawkeye: "But our book has pictures of naked people playing volleyball."

Hawkeye: "I always feel very patriotic after OR. My whites are covered with red and it gives me the blues."

Frank: "Any mindless baboon can see she's not here, including me."

Frank: "Haven't you two anything better to do when you're off duty than to lie around and swill gin?"
Hawkeye: "Swill gin?! Sir, I have sipped, lapped and taken gin intravenously, but I have never swilled!"
(Hawk and Trap talk about Hawkeye's search for the perfect martini.)
Frank: "Twaddle."
Hawkeye: (sarcastically) "Watch your language, Frank, or I'll wash your mouth out with soap.... By the way, did you know 'soap' is a four-letter word?"

Col. Potter:

"You ordered spare ribs all the way from Chicago...and no cole slaw?" :Forgive us, we're draftees."

"Col., fair's fair... .. If I nail Hot Lips and punch Hawkeye; can I go home too?"

"THIS ISN'T A HOSPITAL...IT'S AN INSANE ASYLUM!!"

Trapper: "What's the announcement, Radar?"
Radar: "It's a lecture. Colonel Blake's gonna tell us everything he knows about sex."
Hawkeye: "Well it should be an enjoyable 60 seconds."

Round and round they go, here comes your cards, there goes your dough. -- Hawkeye

Trapper: "Call us if you need us."
Hawkeye: "Yeah, but don't need us!"

FRANK (angrily): This is the last straw!

HAWKEYE (casually to Trapper): Remind me to order more straws.

Trapper: "Psst! Psst!"

Hawkeye: "You Spring a leak?"

Potter: (to Radar)"Here, son. Kentucky sippin' whiskey. Now, don't gulp it. It has a boomerang effect."
(Radar sips Col. Potter's bourbon, gasps and hoarsely says "smooth".)
Potter: "I told ya to sip it."
Radar: "I did, sir."
Potter: "Oh."

I've gotten "Thank you" notes from people I said I'd never see again. -- Frank

Potter: "What's the matter?"
Klinger: "Snapped my garter belt."
Potter: "Don't expect a Purple Heart."

Enemy advances bring medical advances -- BJ

Radar: "He's the bestest colonel that ever lived!"

Frank: "You'll talk about me behind my back."

Trapper: "Frank, does paradise need a meaning?"

Hawkeye: "Care for a little tonic?"

B.J.: "We're their best customer."

Klinger: "You won't believe what a lot of people call me."

Hawkeye: (to Frank)"...go review your hypocritical oath."

Hawkeye: "I think we struck dream."

Frank: "I'm only paranoid because everybody's against me."

Hawkeye: "About a hundred pounds of it is ego."

Trapper: "He died with his boots on."
Hawkeye: "And his socks off."

Hawkeye: "You can't do that; that's restraint of trade."

Frank: (to Radar)"What are you doing here?"
Radar: "I was drafted, sir."

It's nice to be nice to the nice.-- Frank

Klinger & Hawkeye:

.

M.A.S.H.

Hawkeye & Trapper:

Hawkeye:

Here's a mover and a groover and it ain't by Herbert Hoover. It's for all you animals and music lovers. -- Radar as a camp DJ

Major Spector: (to B.J. and Hawkeye): "One of you guys the, uh, daddy?"
B.J.: "It's a good thing we're doctors, because I'm gonna break every bone in your body."

Hawkeye: "Ahh, the immortal words of Elizabeth Barrett Winchester: 'How do I love me? Let me count the ways.'"
B.J.: "Yowsa, yowsa. Once again from the Arrogance Ballroom, you've just heard
Satchmo Winchester blowing his own horn."

Potter: "I'm the boss here! I can do that!"

Rizzo: "Where else can you be a bum and get paid for it?"

Potter: "Good grief, Margaret! Where in the name of Carrie's corset is your tent?"

Klinger: "Even the Sphinx is sweating."

Klinger: "I'll be the laughingstock of the Nile!"

Potter: (to Colonel Tucker): "You mean you're buyin' this malarkey? Last time, he was Snow White!"

Hawkeye: "Let the crime fit the punishment."

Charles: "When do we nail the swine?"

Potter: "I even got that hairy cuckoo!"

Potter: "You went for it, like a school of bellowing carp!"

"Radar: "I have a message...Lt. Col....Henry Blakes plane...was shot down...over The Sea of Japan...it spun in...there were no survivors."

Col. Blake: "This is my company clerk, Corp. O'Rielly"
Gen. Steele: "The Irish were ROTTEN Indian fighters!" "Non-coms, the back-bone of the corp. Where you from son?"
Radar: "Iowa sir"
Gen. Steele: "NO TALKING IN THE RANKS!!"

Trapper: "Why don't we have an incubator here, so we can do our own tests?"
Nurse: "Because it would save time, and effort, and it would make sense."
Hawkeye: (sarcastically) "Can't have any of that in the Army."

Henry: "Tharrr she blowws!"

“Frank, it’s after six, you can stop being snotty!”
Henry Blake

Potter: "Practical jokes."
Radar: "I'm glad I'm not one."

Money is far down on my list, major. It comes second or third...... Second. -- Margaret

Hawkeye: "Radar, you could be arrested for felonious fingering."

B.J.: "He certainly got up on the wrong side of the bedlam."

Attention everybody. Incoming wounded. Get yours while they last. Tell your friends. -- PA

(Hawkeye enters post-op).
Hawkeye: "How's Radar doing?"
Nurse Baker: "He's doing fine. You're not going to talk to him, are you?"
(Hawkeye replies and walks over to Radar.)
Hawkeye: "Radar, I'd like to apologize."
Radar: "Oh, yeah? Well, you can just forget it. Just forget it. The hell with me, huh? The hell with you! How about that? And another thing." (gets out of bed.) Let me tell you somethin'. Anybody says anything about Iowa, better be prepared to back it up, pal. (raises fist) I'll give you a fistful of Iowa naïveté that's right in the puss!"
(Baker steps toward Radar.)
Hawkeye: "No. Let him go."
Radar: "How about that?!"

Charles:
[taping a letter to send home] Dear Mother and Dad, I have only been here a short while, but it seems forever. MASH 4077 is truly a nightmare. It is either too cold or it is unbearably hot. I needn't tell you again, I won't be happy until I am out of here. I have even contemplated shooting myself in the foot. But you know how much I enjoy the annual Deb's Cotillion.

Hawkeye:

Henry: "Sam, have you ever heard me give the camp a sex orientation lecture?"
Sam: "No."
Henry: "Oh, man, I really get the joint rocking. A kid like Radar gets worked up awful easy."
Sam: "Save me a couple of seats for the next one."

Clete Roberts: (to Frank) "Well, doesn't, uh, patriotism have to come from the heart?"
Frank: "I don't have that problem."

P.A. System: "Bet American to win, place, or show."

Henry: "When the hell is the army gonna develop a boot that works?"

Radar; "Will you sirs kindly mind? It's Shirley Temple."

Hawkeye: "If we don't go crazy once in awhile, we'll all go crazy."

“I can take umbrage, I can take the cake, I can take the A-train. I can take two and call me in the morning, but I cannot take this sitting down”

- Hawkeye

Hawkeye: "Henry was okay, from the navel out in every direction."
Radar: "He sure was."

Radar: "This is a general's jack!"
Hawkeye: "Salute it and get in!"

Sorry, camp. Attention! By command of the new commanding officer, all officers report to the commanding officer's office, sirs. -- Radar over PA

Hawkeye & Radar:

Hawkeye:

Hawkeye: The army, in its infinite wisdom, has not only cleared Frank of the charges, they have assigned him to a veterans hospital in Indiana and promoted him to Lieutenant-Colonel.

Henry: "Sam, what's Korean for 'suicide'?"
Sam: "That's Japanese! We don't do that shtick."

Well, official channels could take forever. I remember when I applied for permission to get married. By the time the papers came through, my son was divorced -- Potter

Listen, it’s too big a world to be in competition with everyone. The only person who I have to be better than is myself. And in your case, that’s enough.”
Col. Potter

a visiting nurse tells Klinger she can arrange for him to have a sex change operation.
Klinger: "YOU MEAN TAKE A KNIFE AND...AND...?" "THAT'S CRAZIER THAN I AM!"

Here's a mover and a groover and it ain't by Herbert Hoover. It's for all you animals and music lovers. -- Radar as a camp DJ

Captain Pratt: "Is that the signal?"
Hawkeye: "Either that or Marlena Dietrich's back in town."

Radar: (to Henry)"You're goin' home."
Henry: "I'm goin' home?"
Radar: "You got all your points. They're dischargin' ya."
Henry: "Discharged?"
Radar: "Tokyo, San Francisco, then home."
Henry: "...I'm goin' home!"
Trapper: "Henry, that's terrific!"
Hawkeye: "Henry, congradulations. That's terrific."
Mulcahy: "That's wonderful, sir."

Radar: "He was a whale guy."

Henry: "It's all yours, Frank."

Captains Pierce and McIntyre report to O.R. immediately! Move it...sirs. -- PA

Hawkeye: "... in a gin-induced fit of remorse."

Hawkeye: "Isn't he clever? We had the bolt in his neck tightened yesterday."

Frank: "Over my dead body."
Klinger: "Whatever you say, sir."

Klinger: "I'm pretty nuts, but this guy could open a crazy school."

Radar: (to Frank)"Sir, that's one of those new guns can shoot 30 corporals a second."

Frank: "Guard! Mayday! Mayday!!"
Henry: "99, 98, 97, -- "
(Henry passes out and falls to O.R. floor.)
Hawkeye: "Good night, sweet prince."

Trapper: "Love your toga, Radar."
Radar: "Just nobody say nothin' to me."

Hawkeye: "Yeah, well, that's how it is: You lose a few and you lose a few."

Never let it be said I didn't do the least I could do -- Hawkeye

Charles & Radar:

Listen, it's too big a world to be in competition with everyone. The only person who I have to be better than is myself. And in your case, that's tough enough. -- Potter to Hawkeye

Hawkeye: "An affair is an affair is an affair."
B.J.: "Who wrote that, Hawk?"
Hawkeye: "Gertrude Stein, to Alice B. Toklas on a piece of brown bag."
Potter: "I understand they were very close."

Hawkeye: "This girl goes to the big city and loses her voice."

Frank: "You two are alcoholics. Hopeless, elbow-bending boozers."

Frank: "They were furious when I took away their glug glug."

Mulcahy: "I'm better with the standards."

Frank: "Lemmings must be directed to the sea."
Hot Lips: "You're magic with a phrase."
Frank: "Winston Churchill said... 'Men can move mountains with words.'"
Hot Lips: "His mother was American."
Frank: "So was mine."

Potter: "Folks around here were awfully found of Henry Blake when he ran this fort, weren't they?"
Klinger: "Welll, sure! The colonel was a top notch kind of a guy!"
Potter: "You bet he was."

The glee club meets in the mess tent at o-eight hundred hours. The first number on tonight's schedule is, uh, Father Mulcahy's solo "I'm confessin That I Love You." -- PA

Hawkeye: "Where's the stupid sulfa?"
Margaret: "In the living room."
Hawkeye: "What?"
Margaret: "The sulfa's in the living room between the end tables."

Margaret: "Sulfa, so good."

Margaret: "Morphine?"
Hawkeye: "No thanks, I've got plenty."

Hawkeye: "Digitalis?"
Margaret: "No, I'm keeping it a secret."

Hawkeye: "Nitrous?"
Margaret: "Good nitrous, sweet prince."

Frank: "I wrote on the school paper."
Trapper: "I wrote on the walls."

General Barker: "You haven't heard the last of it."
Hawkeye: "I wasn't listening to the first of it."

Trapper: "I hate loud generals."

Ghost Weston: "I'm having trouble seeing you... You all look funny... Like you're made up of little dots."

Ghost Weston: "I feel like - I have to go someplace."

Okay, Radar, state your business, in one word or less. -- Hawkeye

Hi, good-looking, get sick here often? -- Hawkeye to Margaret

.

Are you eating breakfast cereal or is that just a bad telephone line? -- Klinger

Frank:

Hawkeye & Col. Potter:

Hawkeye: "I'll wait for the books to come out."

BJ & Hawkeye:

Frank: "Unless we each conform, unless we obey orders, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free."

Hawkeye: (to B.J.)"Besides my life, Frank wants my virginity."
B.J.: "We all do."
Hawkeye: "If only I'd known."

Charles: "Humor is the opiate of incompetents."

Ugly color, 40 years out of style, fits like a tent? It's a class A uniform alright. -- Hawkeye

Klinger: (to Hawkeye)"Good night, Captain."
Hawkeye: "Easy for you to say."

A device is yet to be invented that will measure my indifference to this remark. -- Hawkeye

Potter: "Sweet Nefertiti!"

Hawkeye: (to Potter)"Thanks, Dad."

Potter: "Pierce shouldn't have pushed you. He should've decked ya!"

Klinger: (singing)
"We're strong for Toledo.
That's where the Buckeyes all grow..."

B.J.: "I'd like to give him a sleeve with my fist in it."

Potter: "Cut the dueling and do the cutting."

Mulcahy: "Zale, he who lives by the sword shall die by the sword."
Zale: "Forget it, Father, I just wanna break the jawbone of an ass."

B.J.: "A fool and his money have just departed."

P.A. System: ""Bring your cash before it turns to trash."

Charles: "We are both adults!"
Margaret: "Yes. Of the opposite sex."

Zale: (to Sgt. Gribble)"Let's go, Bourbon Street. Come on, you bum."

Major Ross: "Must be the commanding officer."

Dear Mrs. Burns, I regret to inform that your husband has been seen out of uniform, and maybe you would like to know with who. -- Radar reading the letter Hawkeye wanted to sent to Frank's wife.

(Henry boos during a movie.)
Mulcahy: "Hear, hear. Don't judge him too harshly. After all, the other chap is coveting his neighbor's wife."
Hawkeye: (to nurse) "Father Hollywood."

Hawkeye: (to Klinger) "A white wedding gown?"
Klinger: "I'm entitled. I'm a virgin."
(Hawkeye points at door. Klinger exits.)

Quiet, will you? The man is trying to be dull. Go ahead, Frank, dull away. -- Trapper

Hawkeye: "... Or Frank could operate on him again."
Frank: "Twerp!"
South Korean locals: (on cue from Hawkeye) "You tell him, Ferret Face."

Get away from me before I get physically emotional! -- Radar

B.J.: "Truly an enchanted land."

Margaret: "Dear God."
Mulcahy: "He's been alerted."

Charles: "Be it ever so crumbled, there is no place like home."

Potter: "The man knew talent when he saw it."

Henry: "You were ordered to stand down!"
Hawkeye: "I did, but I fell up again."

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/d2/66/96/d2669686cd44b810ebba9a1556ac6c8c.jpg

B.J.: "Join the Army and see the dawn."
(A jet flies over.)
Hawkeye: "There go the milkmen."

Hawkeye: "Well, that's what happens when you spend everything on weapons and nothing on advertising."
Major Reddish: "Riiiight."

Major Reddish: "I refuse to lie."
B.J.: (sarcastic)"And you call yourself a P.R. man."
Major Reddish: "I'm a soldier first; I refuse to lie without orders."

Col. Potter:

Potter:

Hawkeye: (to Klinger) "You're right. You're not just another pretty face."
Klinger: "Thank you, sir."

Hawkeye:

Always trust your car to a man who has a star -- Hawkeye

Klinger: "I come from a long line of long lines."

Hawkeye: "Kick and gouge."

“…it’s the duty of every real American to be on the lookout for goldbricks, pinko’s and fellow travelers. ‘Course without the likes of Americans like you the jobs of Americans like me would be a lot more difficult. But don’t get me wrong, Americans like me like difficult jobs. So don’t get the idea you’re doing the CIA any favors. We don’t really need Americans like you, we don’t need anybody.”
Col. Flagg

Hawkeye: "Major Burns, Major Houlihan, may I present - Captain B.J. Hunnicutt?"
(Beej gets out of the jeep...)
B.J.: "What say you, Ferret Face?"

Potter:

Klinger, as a girl stares at his dress: "This is what happens to you when you don't eat your vegetables."

Hawkeye: "Very nice. You really do a good job, Klinger."
Klinger: "Well, I'm not just another pretty face."

Mulcahy: "What, exactly, is a training bra?"
Hawkeye: "It's just like an ordinary one, only it has two little wheels in back."

Frank: "Well, blow my nose."

Dr. Lin Tam: (laughing) "What the hell is that?"

Always trust your car to a man who has a star -- Hawkeye

wrong, it's "Always trust your car to the man who has the star."

Cpl. Miller: "I don't want a Section 8. I want to serve my country."
Klinger: "Now I know you're crackers."

Klinger: "The only thing I don't understand is why he's not an officer."

Klinger: "'Stole' is such an ugly word. Shall we say 'creatively acquired'?"

Hawkeye: "Actually this place does look kind of chic. And Araby."

Frank: "They -- hate me, don't they?"
Radar: "Just your guts, sir."

Frank: "This really cuts me to the quick!"
Hawkeye: "That's quite all right. His quick could use some cutting."

Klinger: (to Mulcahy)" Father, maybe a little bracer? Somethin' to calm you down."

Klinger: "This'll get you there."
Mulcahy: "And back."

Potter: (to Hawkeye)"Shave and put on your Class A uniform."
Hawkeye: "Got it. Bow tie and saddle shoes."

Potter: "That'll clean your rifle barrel."

Dear Mrs. Burns, I regret to inform that your husband has been seen out of uniform, and maybe you would like to know with who. -- Radar reading the letter Hawkeye wanted to sent to Frank's wife.

Klinger: "The colonel has sworn me to secrecy, with real swear words."

Pierce, are you deef? I'm giving your hijinks the heave-ho, post-haste! I'm the boss here! I can do that! -- Potter

Mulcahy: "It's just that some of us are more childish than others."

Potter: "Klinger!... Your nose slipped out of its bra."
Klinger: "Sorry, ladies."
(Klinger pulls his mask back up over his nose.)

Mulcahy: "Who's Walter?"
Radar: "That's my given name."
Hawkeye: "Give it back."

Radar: "Yeah, my mom makes a great chocolate cake."

Klinger: "I'd eat those flowers."

B.J.: "Jack Benny."
Potter: "Fred Allen."
Mulcahy: "Bishop Sheen."
Klinger: "The Shadow knows."

Klinger: "So long, Mrs. O'Reilly."

Mulcahy: "Radar certainly bears a striking resemblance to his mother."
Hawkeye: "Well, he is wearing her genes."

Klinger: "No help from the pit boss in the sky."

Frank: "...I got a hollowed head."

Mulcahy: "...I found some of Mr. Williams' questions highly personal."
Hawkeye: "I find his person highly questionable."

Hawkeye: (sarcastically) "Freedom? Disgusting. Next thing you know, they'll be threatening us with liberty and justice for all."

Pierce, are you deef? I'm giving your hijinks the heave-ho, post-haste! I'm the boss here! I can do that! -- Potter

Charles:

Frank: (to Radar)"I'm not interested in kindness."
Radar: "Oh, I've heard that, sir."

Hawkeye: "To Klinger's nose."
Potter: "That's a double."

Scuttlebug is as common as cooties in your skivvy! -- Potter

Hawkeye: The army, in its infinite wisdom, has not only cleared Frank of the charges, they have assigned him to a veterans hospital in Indiana and promoted him to Lieutenant-Colonel.

Hawkeye: "To err is Truman."

Potter: "To Myrna Loy."

Potter, Hawkeye, B.J.: (singing)
"There's a long, long trail a-winding,
Into the land of my dreams.
Where the nightingales are singing
And the white moon beams.

There's a long long night of waiting
Until my dreams all come true.
'til the day I'll be coming
Down that long long trail with youuu."

Potter: "Benson, this true?"
Benson: "They make it sound worse than it is."
Potter: "If I could raise my arms, I'd flatten your nose. What'd I ever do to you, corporal?"
Benson: "It's 'lieutenant,' sir."
Hawkeye: "Ahh, a commissioned weasel."
Potter: "Damnit, answer the question."

Hawkeye: "Tharrr she blows, the Winchester pride."

Hawkeye: "Charles taking drugs. Well, I'll be leaving Korea now; I've seen it all."

Hawkeye: (after getting a talking to from Mulcahy, Margaret, and Potter) Radar I'd like to apologize.
Radar: Oh yeah? Well you can just forget it. Just forget it! The hell with me huh. The hell with you. How about that? And another thing. I wanna tell you something. Anyone who says anything about Iowa better be prepared to back it up pal. I'll give you a fistful of Iowa naiveteness right in the stomach. How about that, huh?!
Hawkeye: (stopping the nurse trying to calm Radar down) No, let him go.
Radar: You know I don't need you to tell me what's what. I know what's what just as well as you do. So why don't you just crawl back in your bottle of booze and pickle yourself?

Hot Lips & Trapper John:

Hawkeye: [looking for maps of the minefield] Why aren't they under "M"?
Radar: Because they're under "B" for "boom."

Klinger: "I must've sent the carbon paper."
Hawkeye: ( sarcastically)"What an original mistake."

B.J.: "He's right, you know. The only reason the army let him in was because prison turned him down."

B.J.: "I think that's what's known as a conflict of interest."

Hawkeye: "Sounds like an attorney to me."

Potter: (to Margaret) "Next, Major, you're gonna tell me to 'make all gone'."

Margaret: (to Hawkeye)"I'll slap you."
Hawkeye: (sarcastic)"Bully."

“I’ve eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I’ve eaten so much fish, I’m ready to grow gills! I’ve eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I’m smothered in bacon and onions”

- Hawkeye

Hawkeye: "'Big John'?"
Radar: "Lu-cky."

“…it’s the duty of every real American to be on the lookout for goldbricks, pinko’s and fellow travelers. ‘Course without the likes of Americans like you the jobs of Americans like me would be a lot more difficult. But don’t get me wrong, Americans like me like difficult jobs. So don’t get the idea you’re doing the CIA any favors. We don’t really need Americans like you, we don’t need anybody.”
Col. Flagg

Klinger: "Would I mong you?"

Klinger: "Who says I'm Army? I'm delicatessen."

Klinger: "A (something) can lose the battle." (He walks away.)
Frank: (to Hot Lips) "He's brighter than I thought."

B.J.: "And we spent all that money on tinsel."

Potter: "Just another rumor. Like last week, the Radio City Rockettes were supposed to play here. What we did we get? An Italian sissy who played 'Valencia' with his armpit."

Hawkeye: "If the worst can happen, it will. Pierce's Theory of Medicine."

Frank: "A human life is worth more than a kitchen stove."

B.J.: "Sounds like the check just bounced."
Hawkeye: "Sounds like it blew up."

Mulcahy: "I don't think I've got a prayer."

Radar: "I must've been born under a ladder."

Klinger: "Even the weather stinks in the Army."

Mulcahy: "That rumor almost came through the door!"

Hawkeye: "He's our most difficult Doctor."

Hawkeye: "Sometimes we use the jawbone of an ass."

Hawkeye: "The colonel's a very affectionate man. It's what happen when the love bug bites."

Frank: "You're certainly a savage at cards, Margaret."

Hawkeye: "You know you're beautiful when he's angry?"

B.J.: "The charge of the Scotch brigade."

B.J.: "Our business is largely word of foot."

Potter: "Ah, well. The good die young."

Hawkeye: "He had a slight case of carnal flu."

Hawkeye: "Loved by one and all, especially off base."

Hawkeye: "We're clearing up an old tank driver's complaint. Bloodshot hips."
Potter: "What?"

Frank: "They said I had the same killer instincts as Patton."

Klinger: "I call it 'food for freedom'."
Potter: "I call it ''suicide by salami'."

Potter: "Thank God."
Mulcahy: "I already did."

Mulcahy: "I'll go over there, by the cross."

Charles: "I'm a surgeon, not a circus roustabout."

B.J.: "Isn't that what the army's all about?"

Potter: "Same to you."

B.J.: "Give 'em Helsinki, colonel."

Hawkeye: "Let the games begin."

Margaret: "You people stink!"

Hawkeye, someone came in here and committed a neatness! -- Trapper

B.J.: "Not unless you want to see a show of fists."

Potter: (to Mulcahy)"Come Sunday morning, it might not be a bad idea, if you put away all that baloney about the one-legged man and the wheelbarrow, and preach some good old-fashioned values."

Potter: "I thought adultery earned you an express ride, right downstairs."

Radar: "Hey, I had an imaginary friend when I was a little boy."
Hawkeye: "Terrific."
Radar: "Her name was Shirley."
Hawkeye: "Your imaginary friend was a girl?"
Radar: "Uh huh."
Trapper: "What'd she look like?"
Radar: "Like me. (He lowers his voice.)Only with tiny little breasts."

Hawkeye: "What is this, an organ recital?"

Hawkeye: (v.o)"He's really a fine surgeon. Every bit as good as I am. And I'll get him for it."

(Frank sees Radar's teddy bear.)
Frank: "Don't tell me he sleeps with you."
Radar: "I'm hoping to do better, sir."

Frank: "I knew I should've ripped the stuffing out of the dirty little bigger when I had the chance."
Colonel Carmichael: "Wouldn't you have felt silly if the money hadn't been inside that bear?"
Frank: "I wasn't talking about the bear."

Radar: "Guys with tattoos always drink beer."

Radar: "Guys with tattoos don't pal around with guys like me."

Hawkeye: "Ah, the sacrifices we make for our mothers."

Frank: "What can I do to please you?!"
Hawkeye: "Tap dance in the minefield."

Frank: "Some birthday this turned out to be."

Potter: "A mental midget."

Frank: "Oh, pound it out your porthole."

Potter: "Congradulations, Mrs. O'Reilly, it's a bear."

Klinger: "You are what you mash."

B.J.: "There. I just knitted a soldier."

Potter: "Fig Newtons and Scotch."

Potter: "Live and let live."

“Boy seeing the way you guys work with the wounded, the way you deal with burned up legs, ripped up bellies. Makes me proud every time I throw up.”
Klinger

Frank: "Colonel, what do the records indicate, about my surgical skills?"
Col. Carmichael: "If you hadn't been drafted as a doctor, I think you'd have been assigned as a pastry chef."

What good is it to be a Ferrari if you are out of gas? -- Corpsman Ignazio Desimone

Hawkeye: "Gold star, Radar."
Radar: "Yes, sir."

“…it’s the duty of every real American to be on the lookout for goldbricks, pinko’s and fellow travelers. ‘Course without the likes of Americans like you the jobs of Americans like me would be a lot more difficult. But don’t get me wrong, Americans like me like difficult jobs. So don’t get the idea you’re doing the CIA any favors. We don’t really need Americans like you, we don’t need anybody.”
Col. Flagg

B.J. (singing opera)
"Oh, what I ate today.
Pasta fazool and army gruel."

Mulcahy: "May I make a confession?"
Hawkeye: "As long as you don't use any real names."

Mulcahy: "Sometimes, most of the time, I honestly don't know if I'm doing any good or not."
Hawkeye: "I used to have a professor at med school who always said 'God cures the patients but the doctor takes the fee'."
Mulcahy: "You think that's true?"
(Hawkeye replies.)

“Know this. You can cut me off from the civilized world. You can incarcerate me with two moronic cellmates. You can torture me with your thrice daily swill, but you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester. My voice shall be heard from this wilderness and I shall be delivered from this fetid and festering sewer.”

- Charles Emerson Winchester III

P.A. System: "It's gonna be a big one, folks."

Hawkeye: "Looks like this kid's been playin' bean bag with a hand grenade."

Trapper: "That cross doesn't mean there's a railroad ahead."

Frank: "Smut merchant."

Sidney: (to Klinger)"Remember you? I had to buy an extra cabinet for your file."

Sidney: "Some patients insist on dying, Hawk."

Sidney: "Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull my pants... And slide on the ice."

P.A. System: "No one's succeeding us, at all."

General Steele: "62 years old and fit to play halfback at the Point."
Henry: "Hike."
General Steele: "Right."

Steele: "Good. I hate birds."

Steele: "War and whiskey don't mix."

Hawkeye: "He'll get us killed!"

Steele: (to Hawkeye): "Thought I forgot about you in the storage room, didn't you?"
Hawkeye: "It was a night I'll never forget."

“Sex happens to be one of the most important things in life in as much as each one of us is one or the other gender of it once we’re born, which is the direct result of the act of it.”

- Henry Blake

Klinger: "I didn't iron my dress to talk politics!"

Henry: "...what they don't need in Asia is more Asians."

Henry: "Now I know you're only human."

P.A. System: "Bet American to win, place, or show."

Frank: "Bullets cost bucks, mister."

Klinger: "I dress like this to get out out of the army."

Hawkeye: "To Max Klinger. Korea's most eligible bachelor."
B.J.: "May you find a wife, who dresses as well as you do."
Charles: "Corporal, my hat is off to you."
Hawkeye: "As well as his hair."

Klinger: "...I wanna make a toast... To M*A*S*H 4-0-7-7. (mumbles)I may not have a family no more in Toledo, but I sure got one here. I love you guys."
(Klinger raises his glass and falls backward off his bar stool.)
Potter: "Pretty rotten way to show it."

Margaret: (to Potter)"What are you going to do about it, Colonel?"
Potter: "As soon as I can, I'll look into the ladies' showers. So to speak."
Margaret: "I hope so. (she stands up)And thank God you're back, sir."
(She exits.)

“There are so many things I was sure I’d have in my life by now. Every birthday reminds me of what’s still not there. This just turned out to be another day in the middle of nowhere.”

- Margaret

Frank to Hawkeye and Trapper: "IT'S DISGUSTING SLEEPING IN YOUR UNDERWEAR!"
Hawkeye: "Beats sleeping in yours."

“Know this. You can cut me off from the civilized world. You can incarcerate me with two moronic cellmates. You can torture me with your thrice daily swill, but you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester. My voice shall be heard from this wilderness and I shall be delivered from this fetid and festering sewer.”

- Charles Emerson Winchester III

Klinger:

“Don’t mind Pierce and Hunnicutt, they’re both first rate surgeons. Sure, they’ll show up to role call in their bathrobes. They keep a still in their tent. Once they ran all my underwear up the flagpole. But I want you to understand it’s an honor to serve with these men.”

- Margaret

Col. Flagg: "'Mairzy doats and doazy doats and I'll be home for Christmas.'"

“If I had all the answers, I'd run for God.”
— Maxwell Klinger

B.J.: "Some choice. It's the tiger or the tiger."

Hawkeye: (to B.J.)"Follow me and bring your library card."

Klinger: "A slender woman can wear anything."

Potter: (to Hawkeye)"Whoaa!, tall stranger! This here catalogue ain't big enough for the both of us."
Hawkeye: "I'll be out of it before sundown."

B.J.: "I read that a Japanese businessman, while playing golf in a rainstorm, was struck by lightning in his zipper."
Potter: "Shocking."
B.J.: "Medically speaking, he had his zip zapped."
Hawkeye: "Was he all right?"
B.J.: "Oh, he's fine. Ever since his accident, he's been crazy about stormy weather."

Hawkeye: (to Margaret)"Somebody's been playing with your silly hormones."

Potter: "Very few of those sock-eye ever make it to Missouri."

Potter: "That a way, Pierce!"

Klinger: "I'll tell my daddy you did that, he's got big long hairy arms."
Radar: "So's your old man."

Sidney: "Rank makes no difference. No one is safe from the mad joker."

Radar: "Let the phone ring. She drinks."

B.J.: "The other one closed when the pinboys quit."

Klinger: "If you need me, ask for Lefty."

Hawkeye: "Everybody needs a hobby."

Frank: "He knows what I'm having."
Bartender: "Another Shirley Temple."
(Hawkeye and Trapper laugh.)
Hawkeye: ( to bartender)"With a Jane Withers chaser."

Mulcahy: "Fat chance, Groucho."

Klinger: "Boy. Everybody's a comedian."

“Klinger: What's this morning's breakfast?

Trapper: Last night's dinner.

Klinger: Great, that was yesterday's lunch.”

B.J.: "...which is reason enough for leaving."

Charles: "The more outrageous the tale, the wider the circulation."

“Frank: I can plug an ace of hearts at fifty feet.

Hawkeye: I'll remember that if we're ever attacked by a bridge club.”

Col. Hollister: "It's the straggler who misses the Lord's streetcar."

Hawkeye: "Sorry about the salami."

Frank: "You have seen my last snivel."

Klinger: "It's like I always say; the bigger they are, the nicer they are."

“The way I see it, unless we each conform, unless we obey orders, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free.”
— Major Franklin Marion Burns

Charles: (to Hawkeye)"Oh, by the way, you realize you didn't include anything in the time capsule from the infamous Frank Burns?"
Hawkeye: "I was thinking about putting in his scalpel, but I didn't want to include any deadly weapons."

Henry: "You guys opened his cans!"

Lt. Bricker: "Now, nobody pulls that schoolboy crud on Dwayne William Bricker."

“Frank: I can plug an ace of hearts at fifty feet.

Hawkeye: I'll remember that if we're ever attacked by a bridge club.”

Testing, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 testing. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I got a gal in Kalamazoo... -- Radar over PA

Frank, Hot Lips & Hawkeye:

“The instrument has yet to be devised that can test my indifference to that remark.”
— Hawkeye Pierce

Frank: "I'm here to relieve you."
Hawkeye: "You do resemble an enema."

Hawkeye: (to Frank)"I was leaning against a dusty nurse."
Frank: "For a change."

Radar: "It's like staying with your aunt instead of your mother."

Mulcahy: "You know, you can't miss if you've got good material."

Potter: (thinking)"She's the head nurse. He's the head twerp ."

B.J.: "The man's ex-cavalry. He spots four flies having a meeting, he knows they're talking about a horse."

“Frank: I can plug an ace of hearts at fifty feet.

Hawkeye: I'll remember that if we're ever attacked by a bridge club.”

“Frank: Another week of command and I'd have had you out of that dress!

Klinger: I'm not that easy.”

B.J.: "And a thimble for the general's charm."

Hawkeye: "Thousands of kids die here every day."

General Collins: "Will you drink with me, Pierce?"
Hawkeye: "Of course."

General Collins: "To every man's son."

“I'm fine, Mom. Well actually, I'm not. You see, I had this friend. And this friend only pretended to like me. You know, the way Dad used to?”
— Major Franklin Marion Burns

Schaeffer: (to Klinger)"Are you a guy, or a hairy broad with a deep voice?"
Klinger: "I'm all man, Clyde. The clothes are a dodge."

Dr. Berman: "In other words, a ventricular aneurysm."

Potter: (on phone)"No, just a well-built ship that crossed his wake."

Potter: (to Radar)"And bring me back a Snickers bar."
Radar: "With nuts?"
Potter: "No."
(Radar exits.)
Potter: "Damn partial."

Klinger: "I feel like crying."
Potter: "Let it all out, stud."

B.J.: "Someday, I'm gonna look back on this nightmare, and think of it all as just a bad dream."

Potter: "He's the man I'd want to go to."

BJ.: (sarcastically)"I always look to the fall, when the new line of weapons comes out."

Hawkeye: (sarcastically)"Better things, for better killing, through chemistry."

B.J.: "Don't the Chinese know these kids are too young to smoke?"

Sidney: "I'd love to love to analyze you, but I'd have no training in child psychology."

B.J.: (to Charles)"You're both obnoxious and noxious."

Sidney: "I'd put this in my paper, but I might have to deliver it at a luncheon."

Potter: "Sorry don't fill my stomach."

Klinger: (to Potter)"I guess that's why they pay you the colonel money."

P.A. System: "Report to the big top immediately! The circus is about to begin!"

Potter: (entering O.R) "Okay, boys and girls, let's go to work."

Potter: ( to Charles)"Don't worry, major, your face is in good hands; I'm steady as a rock. After all I'm a surgeon."

“I just don’t know why they’re shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom. Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence. Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back.”
— Hawkeye Pierce

Charles: "Aaah! Pralines. The South's only contribution to culture."
(Charles opens the can of pralines. Gag snakes fly out.)
B.J.: "Beware the perils of pralines."

Margaret: "Where. Is. My. Tent?"
B.J.: "We gave it to a dog. Now it's a pup tent."

Charles: "Careful, Hunnicutt, it's against protocol to inform a superior officer that he is inferior."

(Klinger enters the O.C. in his Cleopatra getup.)
Klinger: (to Col. Tucker)"Come on, Colonel, I want to get home to see my mummy."
(Everybody else laughs.)
Klinger: "What's so funny?"

Frank: "You're both a disgrace to this outfit."

Hawkeye: "You must be tired, too, after all that malpractice you put in."

Hawkeye: "It's a prayer come true."

Hawkeye: "No hope. The bullet must've destroyed his brain stem."

Margaret: "Never fails to astonish me. You're alive; you're dead."

“Frank: Klinger, I want to see you out of that dress...tonight!

Klinger: Never on a first date, sir!”

Klinger: "I am incompetent; I'm insubordinate."
Hawkeye: "And indecent."

Radar & Hawkeye:

.

“The instrument has yet to be devised that can test my indifference to that remark.”
— Hawkeye Pierce

Frank & Hawkeye:

Mulcahy: "For 10 to 1, I'd bet against Notre Dame."

Hawkeye: "It's Mighty Mouse."

B.J.: (to Radar)"It means he gave Daisy pep pills."

Radar: (to Charles)"I mean, I know you're a sir, sir, but if-if you ever touch my animals again, uh, I'll have something to say about it. And it won't be from corporal to major, either. It'll be man to man!!"

B.J.: "Well?"
Hawkeye: "He's mean, obnoxious, pompous, egotistical."
B.J.: "In other words, fine."
Hawkeye: "Right."