Hawkeye: "Let's get nice and sterile."

General Barker: "I'm impressed."
Hawkeye: "So Am I."

Trapper: "With full pack."
Barker: "Good touch."

“I have a good mind to baptize you both, in dirty water.”
— Father Mulcahy

Trapper, Frank & Hawkeye:

Radar: "I don't mean to be a tattletale or nothin', but Klinger stinks."

Klinger: (to Potter)"Threats are another story, sir."

B.J.: "The postman always sneers twice."

Hawkeye: (sarcastically)"Boy, Beej, you sure know how to tell a story."

Hawkeye: "I turned out to be the guest of honor at a surprise beating."

Hawkeye: "He got drunk, he went crazy, and he punched out his two favorite roommates: Me and the still."

Hawkeye: "Each object holds such unpleasant memories."

Klinger: "Lay it on him, mouthpiece."

Hawkeye: "Well, that's the Army. You know, supply and demand."

Potter: "Really sell it, Padre."

Hawkeye: "I wrote the book on the appendix... I even wrote the appendix, but they took that out."

Marina: "...it hurts like heck."
Hawkeye: "You can say 'hell' here, this is Korea. If you can't say 'hell' in Hell, where in hell can you say it?"

Frank: "Gee williewockers."
Hawkeye: "(sarcastically)"Sewer mouth."
Hot Lips: "Why must you ride him?"
Hawkeye: "I'll stop soon. I only paid for an hour."

“Hawkeye: Let's make a pact about drinking.

Trapper: All right.

Hawkeye: Let's never stop.”

Hot Lips: "There's pudding in the pillow!"

Frank (to Hawkeye & Trapper) "IT'S DISGUSTING SLEEPING IN YOUR UNDERWEAR!!"
Hawkeye "Beats sleeping in yours"

Hot sausage! -- Potter

(Last line of the regular half hour episodes.)
Charles: "Don't despair, gentlemen. I have the feeling, uh, a few tables will open up, shortly."

(First line of the series.)
Trapper: "FOOORE!"

“Simmons: I'm sorry for being so young.

BJ: That's all right, you'll grow out of it.”

Hawkeye: "Why do doctors always make such lousy patients?"

Hawkeye: "Don't thank me 'til you get my bill."

Hawkeye: "How's Frank?"
Hot Lips: "Unconscious."
Hawkeye: "Saving lives at last."

“Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.”
— Major Franklin Marion Burns

Frank & Klinger:

Attention. A jeep with single patient wants to meet single doctor on the double. -- PA

Hawkeye: "Frank showed up here cracked."

Frank: "I'm a major. You're only captains."

Captain Hildebrand: "These guys make a gin that can melt your dog tags."

Trapper: "Well, we did it again."
Hawkeye: "Screwed up in reverse. We'll never get out of here."

“Hawkeye: Let's make a pact about drinking.

Trapper: All right.

Hawkeye: Let's never stop.”

Hotlips:

“I'm not sleeping, I'm inspecting the inside of my eyelids.”
— Hawkeye Pierce

They needed someone to lick the stamps, and I had the biggest tongue. -Major Ferret Face

Always trust your car to a man who has a star -- Hawkeye

.

Ah, Klinger, my constant reminder that Darwin was right! -- Charles

Trapper & Hawkeye:

Hawkeye:

https://i.postimg.cc/634DjfJk/b47c06c2a00ead022b701da5b2199bb7.png

Hot Lips: "...they're excellent surgeons."

Hot Lips: (to Frank)"Yes, it's true they're incorrible, they're also two of the very best surgeons I've ever seen."

“Frank: I didn't come here to be liked.

Radar: You certainly came to the right place.”

Potter: (to Radar)"Who the hell did this; O'Donnell? Was O'Donnell drivin'?"
Radar: "Yes, sir."
Potter: "That klutz; he isn't makin' any points for gettin' them there fast, he's gotta get 'em there in one piece! Tell O'Donnell I want to see him in my office, and this time, he can shake his can! You got that?"
Radar: "He's dead, sir."

You can't park a jeep over a superior officer!!! -- Frank

Frank & Trapper:

Charles: "Well said, Colonel. Pertinent and pippy persiflage."

Potter: "Winchester, get your persiflage over there."

Charles: "Well, well, well. How the mighty have fallen."

Hawkeye: "All you have to do is win the war in 25 words or less."

Hawkeye: "And obviously the man never worked on a draft board."

Zale: "Ask me the capital of Cleveland."

Frank: "She hit me! Right on the chin!"
B.J.: "How'd she find it?"
Frank: "I don't know.."

Frank & Hawkeye:

Hawkeye: "Oh, but I do say."

Col. Bloodworth: "Hill 403 fell on me."

Col. Bloodworth: "Heard the rattle; I thought I was next."

Klinger: "Packo's Hungarian hot dogs are the pride of Toledo."

"Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happy hour."

- Hawkeye Pierce.

Frank: "A soldier's best friend is his gun. You take care of it, and it'll take care of you."

Colonel Chaffey: "...after losing an argument with a tank."

Hawkeye: "We think of everything."

Frank: "I have a low threshold of pain."

Hot Lips: "You lied to me, Frank! That's worse than stealing."

Frank: "I haven't given her a thought since I stabbed her."

Potter: "Son, heroics just get people killed. They don't impress anybody."

How can you kick out this little puppy of a person? -- Hawkeye to Frank about Radar

Potter: "Maybe if Mildred waxed it."

Frank Burns: I'm taking this to a higher authority.

Trapper: Aw, Frank... you're not going to write your mother again.

“The way I see it, unless we each conform, unless we obey orders, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free.”
— Major Franklin Marion Burns

Mulcahy: "Lucky devil... Uh, just a figure of speech."

Hawkeye: "A picture is worth a thousand dollars."

Potter: "Hot mustard!"

Potter: "When it comes to basketball, I'm the bee's knees."

"Henry, you are bursting with something, your face could open a branch smile!"

- Hawkeye Pierce.

Hawkeye: "Senseless destruction. That's what it's all about. Get the picture?"

“Sometimes when a man's anxious to stick out a glad hand, it's because he's got something up his sleeve.”
— Sherman T. Potter

Hawkeye: (singing)"Figaro, Figaro, Figaro. Shave and a haircut, two bits."
Radar: "Ohhh! That's where that's from."

Hawkeye: "The man's a fountain of straight lines."

Radar: "It's hard to be nice when you're miserable."

P.A. System: "Shake it, sirs."

Henry: (to Hot Lips)"You're in very good form today, Frank."

Hawkeye: "Then stop talking in samples."

Frank: "There you go; there's your lounge lizard at work."

Trapper: "By order of Captain McIntyre, heating officer."

Radar: "Uh, uh, somebody cut the legs off, sir."
Henry: "Awww, that's dirty pool."
Radar: "Well, they'll burn anything to keep warm, sir."
Henry: "I know. But to cut off a man's legs and steal his drawers."

Hot Lips: "Oh, Frank. You have thge perfect personality in a crisis."

Henry: (on phone)"I bought a lot of war bonds, and you are now talking to a pretty upset stockholder."

Radar: "People are breaking into the fortune cookies."

Hawkeye: "Can you believe that snoring he did last night?"

Hawkeye: "Martha, we're gonna have to move. The people upstairs are impossible."

Henry: (on phone)"I mean, I'm talking to you from deep inside a real big empty."

“Individuality is fine—as long as we all do it together.”
— Major Franklin Marion Burns

Hawkeye & Trapper:

Potter: "Well, folks, looks like we were bitten by the bird that fed us."

Rizzo: "I hope I can live, just so I can kill Klinger."

Potter: "I feel like Snow White with a house full of sick dwarves."

Potter: "It turns out those turkeys gave everybody the trots!"

Charles: "I'm a doctor, not a woman."

Hawkeye: "Would Bob Hope and Bing Crosby leave without Dorothy Lamour?"

Frank: (to Radar)"Keep your exposure to yourself."

Hawkeye: (to B.J.)"Old Henry Blake was like his father."
Radar: "Oh, yeah... Taught me everything about life and everything."
Hawkeye: "I know."
Radar: "Can't wait to get home and try it out."

Potter: "Well, this is turning into a real party!"

Potter: "Ohhh, my."
Radar: "It's a horse, sir. Here's the keys."
Potter: "A beautiful horse.... I don't know what to say, Radar."
(Frank says something to Cho.)
Potter: "He can't be more than four years old."
Hawkeye: "Pretty nice, Radar."
Radar: "At least I'll get to take care of him."
Potter: "This calls for a drink."
B.J.: "At least."

"Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happy hour."

- Hawkeye

Hawkeye: "Some of the guests complained they couldn't hear the railroad."

Frank: "Oh, listen, hotshot. I'm a pretty fair doctor myself. Ask any of my patients!"

Hawkeye: "Frank would volunteer for a firing squad. Or to be in front of it. Or both."

Hawkeye: "He certainly picked a funny way to sell used cars."

Hawkeye: "Feels like Heaven to me."

P.A. System: "Grab a knife and save a life."

Radar:

“Simmons: I'm sorry for being so young.

BJ: That's all right, you'll grow out of it.”

Trapper: "How many talking horses are there?"

(Last line of the entire series.)
Hawkeye: "What?"

Hawkeye: "It was a great place to be a kid."

Hawkeye: "And in the fall, when the leaves began to turn,... you couldn't believe the beauty. It was if God had invented new colors just for the occasion."

Radar: "A man and a lady in the same water?!"
Hawkeye: "Baptists."
Radar: "Oh."

Potter: "This calls for a toast. You too, Radar, special occasion."
Radar: "Thank you, sir."

Hawkeye: "Goodbye, Ferret Face."

Hawkeyes first line in the series:


"THIS GUY'S GOT A RAPID PULSE!"

Mulcahy: "You know, I never wanted to bring this up before, but I have a suspicion that Major Burns and Major Houlihan were somewhat attached."
Hawkeye: "They knew each other in the Biblical sense."
B.J.: "Both Testaments."
Mulcahy: "Oh dear oh dear. He's a married man. My worst fears are confirmed."

Potter: "Nobody around here dies without my say so."

Hawkeye: (to Margaret)"Tell us about your honeymoon."
B.J.: "Just the dirty stuff."
Mulcahy: "Captains, please. Mrs. Penobscott's feelings."
Hawkeye: "That's what we want to hear about."

Hawkeye: "The devil you say."

Potter: (to Hawkeye)"I told you all you needed was a good steam cleaning."
Hawkeye: "Colonel, you're absolutely right."
Potter: "What'd I tell you? Hot showers for a cold; cold showers for the hots."

Potter: "Well, I'm from Missouri, but, you've shown me enough."

Col. Flagg, Trapper & Hawkeye:

Hawkeye: "Keep your eyes on his ears."

Klinger: "... the wail of police sirens and the cops yelling, "Hey, you! Camel nose. Up against the wall!'"

Hawkeye: "It's like a scene from 'Esther Williams Meets Dracula.'"

Hawkeye: "I think our table is ready."

Trapper: "Those are Russian burp guns. They fire 30 rounds a second."

Hawkeye: "That's what I call a sore winner."

Henry: "Pierce?"
Hawkeye: "Yes, Henry?"
Henry: "Good idea, that picnic."
Hawkeye: "Yes, Henry."

“I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!”
— Hawkeye Pierce

Gen. Steele (to Radar): "The Irish were ROTTEN Indian fighters!!"
"Non-coms; the back-bone of the corps. Where you from son?"
Radar: "Iowa sir"
Gen. Steele: "NO TALKING IN RANKS!!"

"Well, I guess that's a bear we all got to cross."

- Radar O'Reilly.

Klinger: "Gee, you're a nice guy, Father."
Mulcahy: "Well, I'm a priest. We specialize in niceness."

Charles: "Finally, a mandate from the people."
Margaret: "Look who's talking! None of this would've happened if it weren't for your sawed-off tuba."
Charles: "Really, Margaret, it's a French horn."
Margaret: "Blow it out your Champs-Elysees, Pierre!"

Frank: "Ohh, stop dreaming and go back to sleep."
B.J.: "That makes good nonsense."

Hawkeye: "What do you expect? It's springtime in Korea."

Hawkeye: "Can't you see I can't see?"

We need a chest cutter.

Yeah. We gotta get an A-one chest cutter
in here quick, Henry,

or we're gonna be in
a hell of a lot of trouble.

Forget it.
No MASH unit has a chest surgeon.

We're not about to get one.

(First line of the series.)
Trapper: "FOOORE!"

Trapper: "Hey, Red. Give us a little cross action here."

Frank's first line: "I don't want a Kelly clamp, Lieutenant."

Trapper: "I don't feel like mail."
Hawkeye: "Go ahead, open it. They can't draft you again."

Hawkeye: "What do they really want?"
Trapper: "Sex."

Hawkeye: "By midnight this place will be flooded with casualties."

General Hammond: "Major Houlihan?"
(He smiles.)

Radar: "Listen!"
General Hammond: "What?"
Radar: "Wait for it."
Hawkeye: "Those helicopters you're about to hear are gonna be filled with Canadians, who went to a different party tonight."

General Hammond: "I haven't put in a stretch like that for years, Henry."

General Hammond: "Henry. Those two maniacs are the best surgeons I've ever seen. Made me feel like a horse doctor in there. And make sure you don't lose them. Not even to me."

Henry: (to Hawkeye and Trapper)"Forget it. He was too impressed to have you arrested."

Trapper: (to Hawkeye)"We did it again. Screwed up in reverse."

Frank: "We're still at war, you know."
Hawkeye: (sarcastically)"Oh, I guess that explains all the boom-booms."
Frank: "That sassy jabber is wasted on me, Captain Wiseapple."

Trapper: "You'd better get out of here, Frank. He doesn't care anymore. He's wanted in five states now."

Hawkeye:

Potter: "You don't get the big bird for bein' handsome."

Charles: "I said 'lose is not in my vocabulary.' This man shall be saved!"

Potter: "Dedicated nurse, that Major Houlihan."

Margaret: "Right! A typical man."

Margaret: (to Hawkeye)"You different men are all alike!"

Hawkeye: "Lovely drink, beer."

Klinger: "Heyyy, I'm from Toledo. Half my mail comes from death row."

Klinger: "The schoolhouse burned down. I used to dream about that in Toledo."

Potter: (to B.J.)"Aren't you over here on the American plan?"

Charles: "I should've expected this from a Yale man."

Lt. Martinson: (to Klinger)"Are you armed?"
Klinger: "Are you kidding? Where would I put it?"

Hawkeye: "Sounds like a pretty shady character."

Radar: "Hey, his head isn't on too good either!"

Potter: "Thank God he's back. I'm gonna kill him."

Radar: "Family."

Hawkeye: "Bit him right on the locks."

Hawkeye: "Klinger, where did your mother and I go wrong?"

a visiting nurse tells Klinger she can arrange for him to have a sex change operation.

Klinger: "YOU MEAN SOMEONE WOULD ACTUALLY...?" "YOU MEAN THEY'D TAKE A KNIFE AND...AND...?"YOU'RE CRAZIER THAN I AM"!

Potter: "But it takes more than four sound legs to make a stallion run. Takes a sound heart, and a sound mind."
Colonel Flagg: "It also takes a rider who's not afraid to go to the whip."

Hawkeye: "Somebody who knows his way around the old attic."

"The way I see it, the army owes us so many coffee breaks, we should get 1954 off."

- Hawkeye Pierce

Col. Flagg: (to Henry)"What's your - clearance?"
Henry: "Oh, I go through the door with about an inch to spare."

Trapper: "You've been giving the wall a physical again, Radar?"

Col. Flagg: (to Hawkeye)"I'm with the CID. Although I told your boss I was with the CIA; it throws people off if they think I'm with the CIC."

Klinger: "Those Commies think they can run the world. Let's see 'em try to run Newark! In two weeks they'd be in the trunk of a Buick."

“The way I see it, unless we each conform, unless we obey orders, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free.”
— Major Franklin Marion Burns

Trapper & Hot Lips:

"It's nice to be nice to the nice."

Frank Burns

Hawkeye: (thinking)"It's like smorgasboard in the slaughterhouse; everything looks so bad."

Frank: "Are we going to have poetry in surgery now?"
Henry: "There was a young lady from Kent. Who too off her -- "
Hawkeye: "Steady, Henry."

Hawkeye: "Keep your hands to yourself, Trapper."

Henry: "Steady, steady, steady. That's the missus."
Trapper: "She's all right, Henry."

Hawkeye: "Henry, if you don't give the command to cry, I will."

Potter: "You know, Father, watchin' Sonja Henie makes you believe in a supreme being. You don't create somethin' like that by accident."
Mulcahy: "Yes, He must have been payin' very close attention to His work that day."

Klinger: "That man's been like a father to me. Just wish he'd let up on the strap, though."

Mulcahy: "Our daily bread is stale again."
B.J.: "This meat is from the Civil War. Blue on one side, gray on the other."

Hawkeye: "Congratulations, kid. You're the talk of the town."

Charles: "Nobody knows the truffles I've seen."

Klinger: "Danker?"
Danker: "Matilda?"
Klinger: "Heyyy, Toledo!"
Danker: "Where else?"

Klinger: "Where do you live?"
Danker: "Locust and Ontario."
Klinger: "Michigan and Galena!"
Danker: "And you made it out alive?"
Klinger: "Surrre; I took my basic training at LaGrange Pool Hall."

Klinger: "I gotta go, kid. I'm breakin' my heart."

Klinger: "A matchbook from the Trianon. Matches made in Heaven."

B.J.: "We're runnin' low on everything but customers."

Hawkeye: "Please, no prompting from the studio audience."

Potter: "There's a bright side?"

Charles: (to Hawkeye)"Don't you spit at me!"
Hawkeye: "You sanctimonious Back Bay..."
Charles: "That's enough!"

Hot Lips: "Perish the thought."
Hawkeye: "Not to mention the people."

Klinger: "I was overrun by a batch of bimbos. They got everything but the dress on my back."

Potter: "Too much killing in this world, too much death! No respect for people, for tradition, for life."

Klinger: "That does it for me. One more week and I'm through!"

Potter: "Amazing what can stuck in the human body."

Hot Lips: "Colonel Potter, I want to see you."
Potter: "One step closer and you'll get the whole picture."

Radar: "They'll get you through the war without a leave."

Frank: "The laundry's on fire."
Hawkeye: "I was wondering when things would get interesting."

Henry: "Ohhh, rats. I've gotta go to the sandbox."

Hawkeye: "Klinger, you promisd to be in by ten."

Hawkeye: "Maybe it's a review of the war."

Mulcahy: "Ah, well. I never could play the heavy."

Charles: "I feel like Dorian Gray's picture."

Charles: "Max, you are a gentleman and a lady."

Potter: "Their style may lean a bit heavy on the roots and berries, but they're part of the brotherhood."

Potter: "Careful, Winchester. Don't add insult to surgery."
B.J.: "Nowww, Colonel, that's just part of his bedside manner."

Dr. Wu: "We are Buddhists. Our religion forbids us to cut into any living being."

Charles: "Now if you'll kindly follow me; Larry, Curly, Moe."

Charles: "Thank you, Florence Nightmare!"

Potter: "Wu, do that voodoo that you do so well."

Jin: "Dioctor Wu say, 'Not bad for Three Stooges, huh?'"

Potter: "If anyone says there's a sweeter woman in the world, I wouldn't believe 'em for a minute."

Trapper: "Frank, why don't we just take off our gloves and step outside?"

Hot Lips: "Frank, you're a different person when we go out."

Frank: (sarcastically)"Oh! Do join us."

“Frank: Another week of command and I'd have had you out of that dress!

Klinger: I'm not that easy.”

Klinger: "We ain't got one free bed. You'd think we were a motel. Sorry, Father."
Mulcahy: "I know all about motels, Klinger. Each man prays in his own way."

Klinger: (to B.J.) "Boy, I wish I had your brains."
B.J.: "I wish I had your beauty."
Klinger: "There is that."

Potter: "Put a bridle on it, Pierce."

Radar: (to Potter) "Uh, sir? Why do women ride sidesaddle?"
Potter: "Would you marry a woman that didn't?"
Radar: "No, sir."

Hawkeye: "I want to get a little something for my apartment."

Charles: "Pierce can't help it, Simmons. It's his schooling. He majored in scatology."

Hawkeye: "Bright kid."

Charles: "Play doctor with Skippy."
Captain Simmons: "What's he got against me?"
Margaret: "Well, you're young, you're intelligent, and worst of all, you're bright."

B.J.: "It can't be that; our food kills instantly."

Klinger: "Look at me. I'm talking to a stupid doll."

Hawkeye: "No, I figure his appendix is about as sick as his mind."
B.J.: "Doctors aren't supposed to take bodies apart. They're supposed to put them together."

B.J.: "Cutting into a healthy body is mutilation."

B.J.: "Soo... ?"
Hawkeye: It was pink and perfect and I tossed it in the scrapbook."

B.J.: (to Hawkeye) "You treated a symptom. The disease goes merrily on."

Hawkeye: "Hot Streak Houlihan strikes again."

Hawkeye: "He's not gonna make it to O.R.! I think he's got a lacerated aorta."

Klinger: "I'm sorry! I'm a desert person."

Charles: "Funk and Wagnall are whirling dervishly in their mausoleum."
B.J.: "Great verbiage, Charles."

Charles: "Spoken like a true meatball surgeon."

B.J.: "He's not gonna make it."
Potter: "I'm afraid not."

Hawkeye: "He's just in it for the money, Colonel."

Hawkeye: "They gave to both sides."

Potter: "Well, some people get to all faster than others."

Pvt. Roberts: (to Potter)"Do a good job, doc."
Potter: "You bet your boots."

B.J.: "We made a guy who's part George and part Harold!"
Charles: "And part Winchester."
Hawkeye: "That's right. When he wakes up, he won't know whether to be brave, generous, or pompous."

Hawkeye: "The nurses here are really terrific, once you get to know them."

Potter: "Blackout's lifted. A patrol got the sniper."

B.J.: (to Charles)""...if you ever decide to buy a family."

Potter: (to Klinger) "How do I look?"
Klinger: "Like Cesar Romero on a rainy day."
Potter: "Good. Mildred likes him."

Potter: "And this motley crew is the heart of a crack medical team."

Hot Lips: (to General Charlie Hammond) "Hamilton."
General Hammond: "Hot Lips."
Hawkeye and Trapper: (together) "Hot Lips?"
Hot Lips: (pointing) "Those two! They're ruining the war, for all of us!"

Klinger: (to Frank) "I wore this with just you in mind."
Frank: "You make me want to throw up."
Klinger: (to Hawkeye) "See? It pays to dress."

Potter: "Pierce and Hunnicutt are walking into a holocaust."
Radar: "Oh, golly."
Potter: "You said it, brother."

Hawkeye: "One of our teddy bears is missing."

Hawkeye: "Meanwhile, Aunt Martha, having taken a tramp in the woods, is lying in a ditch at the edge of town."
Col. Flagg: "A dozen medical units, I have to pull into a funny farm."

Hot Lips: (to Hawkeye)"If I didn't hate violence, I'd kick you."
Hawkeye: "Would you? With high heels?"

Hot Lips: "I don't approve of gambling."

I'm here to discuss something besides underwear.

Make it brief.

"History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce."

Potter: "I loved you fellas... one and all."

Hawkeye: "I haven't delivered a kid since I drove my nephew over to his grandmother's."

Frank: "Of course, God wasn't surrounded by a bunch of flakes."

Hawkeye: "Fastest lighter in the West."

Potter: "Strange woman, Portia. Likes to take her teeth out at parties."
Charles: "Sounds like your kind of humor, Pierce."
Hawkeye: "You just don't understand biting satire."

Potter: "Our best man is Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce."

Frank: "It's nice to be nice, to the nice."

B.J.: "Remind me to put this in his deodorant."

Colonel Spiker: "Sorry don't feed the bulldog!"

Potter: "I'm one-fourth Cherokee."

Hot Lips: (to Hawkeye)"I've never seen you work better."

Potter: (to Spiker)"Jumpin' jodpurs, man. I'm Regular Army too. Hash marks down to the ground."

Potter: (to Spiker)"Sufferin' saddle soap. You own your life! to this man."

Henry Blake: Will you stop saying what I'm thinking?
Radar: One of us has to.

(Frank enters the Swamp.)
Hawkeye: "Hi, Frank."
Trapper: "Hello, Frank."
Frank: "That'll be the day."

Radar: "One day. One very bad day."

Rizzo: "Who wants to see a shrimp cowboy?"

Rizzo: (to Igor)"Where's the cook?"
Igor: "Eating at Rosie's!"

B.J.: "The natives are hungry tonight."

Charles: (to Pvt. Sheridan)"I have hands, David, hands that sing."

Hawkeye's 15 Best Quotes From MASH, Ranked (https://screenrant.com/mash-show-hawkeye-best-quotes-ranked/)

Alan Alda’s Hawkeye was the biggest comedic relief of the war-based television show MASH, with his best quotes ranging from hilarious to serious.

Radar's 10 Best Quotes From MASH, Ranked (https://screenrant.com/mash-show-radar-best-quotes-ranked/)

The beloved Radar O’Reilly stole many MASH fans’ hearts with his adorable innocence and naivety, often expressed through his most memorable quotes.

Frank: Your conduct in there was not only unbecoming in an officer, it was equally reprehensible as a medical man!

Frank: "I don't place any stock in that Freud stuff."

Nurse Marquette: (to Hawkeye)"Does every new nurse fall in love with you here?"
Hawkeye: "Only the ones with taste."
Marquette: "Do you think I have any?"
Hawkeye: "I don't know. Let me taste you."
(They start to kiss but sniper fire interrupts them.)

Henry: "That's against the Geneva Convention."
Radar: "I'm not for it either, sir."

Hot Lips: (to Hawkeye): "You're obscene."
Hawkeye: "I'm even better on the phone."

Hot Lips: "And may I say, Frank, that my eyes are wide open and seeing more than I care to?"

Hawkeye: "Even Patton had his off days."

Hawkeye: "Frank, you know what a hero is? 99 times out of a hundred he's somebody who's tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough to not give a damn. I don't give a damn."

Klinger: "Whatever i do is no good."

(Phone conversation.)
Frank: "But I swear, if I caught you with another man, I'd blow my brains out and then I'd kill the both of you."
Hot Lips: (laughs)"Did you hear what you said? You've got it all backwards."
Frank: (laughs)"I mean, I'd kill the both of you and then I'd kill myself."
(he laughs.)
Hot Lips: "Knowing you'd kill me somehow makes my life worthwhile."

Klinger: "War is just killin', that's all."

Trapper: (to Ugly John)"How would you like a land mine up your mustache?"

Hawkeye: "Mere words cannot describe Charles. Charles must be experienced."

Hawkeye: "Suitable for hanging."

Margaret: "Crude and boorish."
Hawkeye: "Crude and Boorish. A great act."
B.J.: "He plucked chickens."
Hawkeye: "And she jumped through an awning."

B.J.: "Nice hat, Klinger. New?"
Klinger: "For tea dancing."
(Klinger exits.)
Charles: "Who is that... creature?"
Hawkeye: "Corporal Klinger. First man to kill a caribou with a beaded purse."

Hawkeye: "What's all the adrenaline for?"

Trapper: "I've got heartburn that would light up the city of Toledo."

Henry: "See that crater? That's the money, McIntyre."

Klinger: "I need a black evening bra."

Frank: "That only puts another dollar in the bank of permissiveness."

Hawkeye: "More important, why is this chicken outfit crossing the road?"

B.J.: "But then, boys will be boys."

Mulcahy: "The Lord moves in mysterious ways."

Klinger: "You're a medic."
Medic: "Our battalion aid station got hit."
Klinger: "Crummy war."

Potter: " What a mess."
B.J.: "Some of these guys got clobbered twice. Once on the line, and then three hours later at the aid station."
Potter: (sarcastically)"Their lucky day."

Hawkeye: "Father?"
Mulcahy: " So young."
Hawkeye: "The younger they get, the older I get."

Potter: "Hell of a time for Burns to be late."

Klinger: "What am I, the only medic in the shop?"
B.J.: "You're loved, you fool."
Klinger: "Command me, O tall one with the Presbyterian features."

Margaret: "I couldn't love anyone who didn't outrank me."

Margaret: "He payed for that shower curtain out of his own pocket, and it wasn't even our fault when it ripped."

Potter: "Nothing new under the sun, Major."

Frank: "This old cowboy ain't gonna be lonesome tonight."

Frank: (to Margaret)"If you're happy, I'm happy."

Margaret: "I couldn't love anyone who didn't outrank me."

Margaret: "He payed for that shower curtain out of his own pocket, and it wasn't even our fault when it ripped."

Potter: "Nothing new under the sun, Major."

Frank: "This old cowboy ain't gonna be lonesome tonight."

Frank: (to Margaret)"If you're happy, I'm happy."
(Frank exits.)

Frank: "SECTION EIGHT?!?"

B.J.: "I think the convoy just took a direct hit."

Frank: "I really got her on that one, didn't I?"

Henry: "Biggest horse's patoot in the army."

Hot Lips: (to Frank)"Act like a man, you twit."

Hawkeye: "I swear to you. As dedicated as I am to the sanctity and preservation of human life, if I had a gun at this moment, I would send my head across this tent!"

Hawkeye: "I'll stick with gin. Champagne is just ginger ale that knows somebody."

Potter: (to Radar)"Try that Jewish hospital."
Radar: " What's the name, sir?"
Potter: "Uhhh, Holy Moses. Somethin' like that."

Frank: (to Radar)"Don't give me any of your snottiness. I'm not that old dimwit you work for."

Potter: "And watch that dimwit talk, Burns. Your bulbs been out since I met you."
Frank: "Definitely, sir."

Radar: (to Potter)"Your call's going trough, sir. It's plain old Moses Memorial."

Potter: "Here's to long lives and short wars."

Frank: (to Radar): "I'd like to know what you're doing in this man's army."
Radar: "Me too, sir."

Frank: "Klinger!"
Klinger: (salutes) "Sir!"
Frank: "How dare you wear that hat while in uniform."
Klinger: "It's spring, sir!"

Frank: (to Hawkeye)"Captain..."
Hawkeye: "No man calls me that and lives."

Hawkeye: "Just one note, Radar, and I'll show you a new way to play that thing."

Hawkeye: "You ever have a mouth full of cotton, Radar?"
Radar: "Uh, no, sir, we were vegetarians."

B.J.'s first line: "Captain Pierce."

Radar: "I'll have to pay for it. And I'm poor!"

Radar: "We don't use straws in combat, fella."

Hawkeye: "Everybody calls him 'Ferret Face'. That'll give you an idea how devoted we are to him."

Frank: "He's here."

Mulcahy: "Let us pray in silence, and remember those of our comrades who have fallen."
(There's a moment of silent prayer.)
Mulcahy: "Ah-men."
Everybody Else: (together)"Ah-men."

Radar: [takes a drink of Hawkeye's home-made gin, and grimaces] I thought this stuff was supposed to make you feel better.
B.J.: No. It's supposed to make you feel nothing.

B.J.: "Great. Two bloodbaths in one day."

Margaret: Klinger, you're a disgrace to the army.
Klinger: Thank you, ma'am. I'm doing my best.

Potter: (to Margaret)"With all this heat, that cute little caboose of yours must be as red as a beet."

Klinger: "I hate the damn Army, but I love these people."

Sidney: "Thank you, Margaret. Someday you'll make a healthy man very happy."

Sidney: "I wouldn't order the hearse yet."

Hawkeye: "Well, I grew up in Crabapple Cove, Maine. A lobster in every pot, and two Methodists in every garage."

Sidney: "Sounds like Norman Rockwell would've been bored."
Hawkeye: "Ohhh, we had a tidal wave of Americana."

Hawkeye: "It's a great way to run a war."

P.A. System: "Captain Pierce, Captain McIntyre. Report to surgery."
Tommy Gillis: "What was that?!"
Hawkeye: "Him. He hates it when we drink."

The way I see it, the army owes us so many coffee breaks, we should get 1954 off. -- Hawkeye

Hawkeye: "Those cats in the north really know how to break up a poker game."

Hawkeye: (to Frank)"And finally, you are a total and definite pain in the gluteaus maximus."
Trapper: "Would you like me to translate?"
Frank: "You can't talk to me like that. And get away with it."

Hawkeye: "There's nothing to patch up, unless Frank's been operating again."

Henry: "Put a lid on it, Frank."

Frank: (to truck driver)"I'd like to get a good look at your legs."
Truck Driver: "Oh. One of those, huh?"

Father Mulcahy: "When the doctor cuts into a patient, and it's cold out, steam rises from the body. And the doctor will warm himself in the open wound. How can you look upon that and not feel changed?"

Hawkeye: (to Radar)"Look, you can't lay all that on my shoulders. Don't you know how much this place stinks? Don't you know what it's like to stand day after day in blood? In the blood of children?"
(slams down a pillow)
Hawkeye: "I hate this place. And if I can't stand up to it to your satisfaction, then, the hell with it."
(stands up, turns around)
Hawkeye: "How dare you! The hell with your Iowa naivete and the hell with your hero worship and your teddy bear and while you're at it, the hell with you.
Why don't you grow up, for cryin' out loud? I'm not here for you to admire, I'm here to pull bodies out of a sausage grinder. If possible, without going crazy. Period."

Hawkeye: "Come on, cut it out... Stop it, will ya?... You ninny!"
(hawk exits)

Hawkeye: "Bloodworth's parade of casualties."

Hawkeye: "I'm not ashamed to ruin his day."

Hawkeye: "This is some cruise. You're liable to take the same boat back."

Charles: (to Margaret)"Major, can you keep it down?"
Margaret: "I hope I can. We're probably getting botulism."

B.J.: "It looks like Mr. Right was wrong this time."

B.J.: "Charles, I'd stab you in the heart if you had one."

Hawkeye: "Joking about it is the only way opening my mouth without screaming."

Hawkeye: "We're in the business for the business of saving lives".

Hawkeye: "His head's in another time zone."

Frank Burns: I know I'm a real asset.
Hawkeye: You're only off by two letters.

Rosie: "That dog has nooo pride."

Charles: I do one thing a time, I do it very well, then I move on.

"May the mother of your camels spit in your yogurt!" -- Klinger

Captain Sloan: Oh, just use one of those standard S-1798s and write in "pizza" where it says "machine gun".

Mulcahy: "All the wealth I want, you can find in here."

Hawkeye: (sarcastically) "Terrific. For a minute I thought we were in trouble."

Trapper: "Boy, do I know when to come into a room."

Klinger: "It's only that I was brought up to respect life, Father, that's impossible
with all this killing."
Mulcahy: "Quite."

Henry Blake: Will you stop saying what I'm thinking?
Radar: One of us has to.

Hawkeye: "Don't confuse me. I can handle only one catastrophe at a time."

I am certain that General Clayton
would send us an antiaircraft gun.

And I am sure that General Clayton
is not in the rent-a-gun service.

And anyway, who'd shoot the thing?

Well, I've had some
gunnery experience.

I was in the R.O.T.C.

You'd think a man with R.O.T.C. Training
wouldn't go peeking up a doll's skirt.

- Well, I am a doctor.
- Mm-hmm.

"It's too big a world to be in competition with everybody else. The only guy I have to get better than is who I am right now." - Colonel Potter

Major, give me a hand.
Later I'll give you one of mine.

Colonel Potter: "Just take it easy, things'll work out."

Hawkeye: "These are hard times. You nestle anywhere you can."

B.J.: "Knock it off, Charles."

B.J.: "How long can it take to make one lousy phone call?"

Potter: "Nobody plans his own destiny."

Hawkeye: "He was hit right in the heart. never had a chance."

B.J.: "Who else but Hawkeye sews vertical mattress sutures with white cotton thread?"

Quoc: "Drives the honey nuts."

Frank: "I'm a happily married man, mister. Honeys aren't any of my business.'

Frank: "of course I know the best. I'm an American after all."

Potter: "At times like this I feel a debt of gratitude to that old Kentucky gent who discovered that you can do more with barley than make soup."
Charles: "Ah you are of course referring to bourbon, the Grape Nehi of alcoholic beverages. I prefer something a little more elegant myself."
Potter: "who gives a rat's hat? So long as it numbs the noggin."

"A device is yet to be invented that will measure my indifference to this remark." -- Hawkeye

Klinger: "Always bright and breezy."

Henry Blake: Do we have enough sherry and ginger-ale for the General?
Radar: Oh, nobody does, sir.
Henry Blake: Oh, fine then, if nobody does we don't have to, but make sure we do, just in case we don't.

49 Years Later, Hawkeye's Best MASH Line Is Still The Greatest Quote In Sitcom History (https://screenrant.com/mash-best-quote-sitcom-history/)

In the heart of the Korean War, a single line from MASH's Hawkeye pierced through the classic sitcom's humor, revealing the harsh reality of war.