The Honeymooners Lines and Quotes [Archive] - Sitcoms Online Message Boards

Frank Gannucci

02-25-2010, 10:38 PM

(American Life TV):

(AmericanLife also has an OnDemand Service. This show might be one of the shows to watch.)

TV-G

All times are Eastern.

All color episodes are one hour.

ALN also has an OnDemand channel and this show may be one of the shows to watch.

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Shelia MacRae as Alice Kramden. Jean Kean as Trixie Norton.

Sat. Feb. 27, 2010 2a #16 (aka #169) – “Ralph Kramden Presents”: Ralph is asked to invite his celebrity friend that he always brags about, Jackie Gleason, to the annual Raccoons dance. In desperation, Ralph & Ed go over to the hotel that Gleason is staying to try to get him to come. Ralph gets to speak to Carney and Ed gets to speak to Gleason but in the confusion, nobody is invited to the dance. Alice promises Gleason the recipe for her anchovy pizza and he shows up at the dance.

Sun. Feb. 28, 2010 2a #17 (aka #170) – “Flushing Ho”: The Kramdens and Nortons, unable to make ends meet around tax time, decide to move to a large two-bedroom apartment in Flushing and split all expenses. The plan fails when Ralph complains of a dwindling food supply and insufficient time in the bathroom, so they all pack up and move back to Chauncey Street.

3a #18 (aka #171) – “Sees All, Knows All”: A Coney Island fortune teller tells Ralph that he is going to commit a murder within a week. Ralph wants Alice to move in with her mother till t he week passes but Alice refuses. Ralph moves in with Ed and gets so exasperated at him that he nearly kills him. In the end, Ralph manages to get himself arrested for safety by assaulting a police officer.

Mon. March 1, 2010 2a #19 (aka #172) – “Be It Ever So Humble”: Rather than pay a $5 rent increase, Ralph buys a duplex in the country and takes the Nortons as his tenants.He forces them to sign a 99-year lease. But he is a negligent superintendent, and the Nortons attempt to break the lease with a 3:00 A.M. party and a firecracker in Ralph's fireplace.

3a #20 (aka #173) – “Hair To A Fortune”: For $500, Ralph and Norton buy a phony hair-restoration formula from a sharp promoter in Central Park. Over Alice and Trixie's objections, they mix up their first batch and try it on Ralph's boss. Using the formula he loses all his hair.

Fri. March 5, 2010 10a #12 (aka #165) – “Movies Are Better Than Ever”: Ralph treats himself, Alice and the Nortons to the movies for Ed's birthday. Ed's ticket wins the door prize -- a color TV. Ralph declares war on Ed because he paid for the tickets and wants the TV. Eventually they take their case to court but reconcile after hearing Alice's testimony.

5p #6 (aka #159) – “The Mod Couple” (aka "The Honeymooners in England"): The Kramdens & Nortons appear in a Flakey Wakey commercial on an English TV show. Ralph makes a fool of himself and Ed accidentally overturns a piano. The Kramdens flee London in shame but are invited back because the audience loved the commercial.

Sat. March 6, 2010 2a #21 (aka #174) – “The People’s Choice”: Ralph becomes a hero for recognizing "Knuckles" Grogan from his newspaper picture and aiding in his arrest. Then Knuckles escapes and Ralph has to be the bait so the police can recapture him. Local politicians ask Ralph, on the strength of his heroism, to run for state assembly; he agrees, and campaigns vigorously, until he realizes that his sponsors are dishonest. And, at the big pre-election rally, he tells the voters the whole story.

Sun. March 7, 2010 2a #22 (aka #175) – “Two For The Money”: Ralph, as treasurer of the Raccoon Lodge, has been entrusted with $500 in cash, which he loses at Dennehy's Bar, He plays a long shot at the tracks to replace the money, and his horse wins but he doesn't, because he tore up his ticket at the beginning of the race when it looked like he was going to lose. Fortunately, the money turns up right where Ralph left it--in the pocket of the Raccoons' Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler.

3a & Mon. March 8, 2010 2a #23 (aka #176) – “Nephew of The Bride”: Alice's Aunt Ethel (played by Doro Merande) moves in with the Kramdens. Ralph, who has to sleep on a cot in the kitchen, plays Cupid for her and Krausmeyer, the butcher (played by David Burns). His plan succeeds, Ethel and Krausmeyer elope, and they return to the Kramdens' for a place to live until they can find a home. And Ralph moves to the YMCA.

Mon. March 8, 2010 1a #25 (aka #178) – “Two Faces of Ralph Kramden”: Ralph is set up as an "insurance executive" by mobsters because he is a dead ringer for their boss (also played by Gleason). Their real boss is fleeing the country with his moll; Ralph, as his stand-in, is due to be exterminated momentarily. Only the intervention of Norton, Alice, and Trixie saves Ralph's life.

3a #24 (aka #177) – “Out of Sight, Out of Mind”: Ralph is sent to the company psychiatrist when he loses his temper once too often on the job. He is advised to give up his friendship with Norton, Norton mistakes his farewell note for a suicide note, and shadows Ralph to keep him out of trouble. Ralph, seeing Norton everywhere he looks, thinks he's losing his mind...until the truth comes out and the psychiatrist decides that Norton and Kramden belong together.

(FamilyNet)

Fri. March 5, 2010 5p “No episode title” (CC?) - Ralph Kramdens schemes to improve his lot in life.

It will be a color episode.

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

Mon. March 1, 2010 1a #019 (aka #110) - "Ralph Kramden Inc.": Ralph needs a loan from Norton, so he sells him a share of his future earnings as a corporation---Ralph Kramden, Inc. It's another con job by Ralph, of course, until he learns that an old woman with a $40 million estate died and left him in her will. That's enough for Norton, as an officer in the corporation, to remind Ralph about one "small detail"---that they need to bring a suitcase to the reading of the will to carry home the $40 million.

1:30a (CC) #42 (aka #69) - *“Battle of the Sexes”: When Ralph and Ed decide to show their wives who's boss, Alice and Trixie fight back, leaving the guys to survive on their own.

Mon. March 8, 2010 #024 (aka #115) - "Please Leave The Premises": Ralph refuses to pay a rent increase of $5 a month and, to avoid eviction, barricades himself, Alice and Norton in the apartment. Its war, says Ralph, and he's the general of their army. But after a few days without heat, and the food supply reduced to only celery, General Kramden hatches a plan to get fresh grub from the neighborhood delicatessen. Mr. Johnson: Luis Van Rooten.

1:30a #40 (aka #64) - *“Ralph's Sweet Tooth”: When Ralph is invited to appear in a candy bar commercial, he refuses to let a bad toothache interfere.

*: This episode has been edited HEAVILY.

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Ralph: "Why did he say to me: 'Hey Fatso, get out of the way.'?"

Ed: "I don't know. Maybe the phrase just fits."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

(Ed & Ralph are sparring with each other.)

Ed: "Cover your up your face! Cover up your face!"

(Ralph does that. Ed hits him in the stomach.)

Ralph (yells in pain): "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAA! WHOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! WHY DID YOU PUNCH ME IN THE STOMACH WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO COVER UP MY FACE?"

Ed: "That should tell you not to trust anybody in the ring."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "Throw a punch at me and I'll duck."

(Ed "punches" him. Ralph falls to the ground.)

Ed: "Hey Ralph, that is some ducking. I can never hit you a second time."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Alice: "You seem to have forgotten that I am a woman."

Ralph: "I forgot that you are a woman? How could I? You are always yappin'."

"Peacemaker":

Ed (to Trixie): "I could have married Kora Brendsetter and her father is a PRETTY important man down town. He told me that if I married her, he would have me transferred from the Sewer Department. I never threw this in your face before, but if I married Kora Brendsetter, today I would be driving my own garbage truck."

Ralph: "Driving your own garbage truck? He must have been a PRETTY important man down town."

"We Spy":

(Ralph & Ed greet the girls wearing Russian uniforms. They try telling the girls the story about them being mistakes for spies in Russia.)

Ralph: "Honestly I am telling the truth. Where do you think we got these clothes from?"

Alice (reading the label on Ralph's uniform): "'The Fat Man's Shop.'"

"Love Letter":

Ralph: "What did Trixie have behind her back?"

Alice: "It was nothing."

Ralph: "Alice, you don't hold nothing behind your back. You hold it in front where everybody can see it."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Doctor: "This is an aptitude test. You are going to like this. This is fun."

Ed: "Can three people play."

"Brother-In-Law":

(The boys are in the broken-down hotel.)

Ralph: "When the girls see this place, they may not see the business
possibilities of it. You know they can't see their nose in front of their face."

Ed: "That is the only hope we got."

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in the broken-down hotel.)

Ralph: "After all, we don't have to finish this hotel until they get the highway built."

Trixie: "I think it would be easier if they built the hotel and we built the highway."

Credit goes to zap2it.com, the old honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & John K's Book To The Moon.

Frank Gannucci

02-26-2010, 11:21 AM

Frank Gannucci

02-27-2010, 10:28 AM

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Alice: "I read in a magazine once that 50% of pain is mental. 50% of that toothache is here (brain). The other 50% is here (mouth).

Ralph: "For your information, 100% of it is here (mouth). There is nothing up there (brain)."

"Love Letter":

Ralph: "A belt? Pretty small gift."

Alice: "Not with what you have to wrap it around."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "I was born under the sign of Pieces the fish."

Ralph: "You were born under the sign of Pistachio the Nut."

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "I want to do the things that young people do. That is what makes you young."

Ralph: "You want to do that? Let's play games that young people play. Let's play house. I will be the daddy and you will be the mommy. All right Mommy CLEAN UP!""Sleepy Time Gal":

Ed: "Trixie, you want to get upstairs to get some beefsteak?"

Trixie: "Why?"

Ed: "To put it on a black eye."

Trixie: "What black eye?"

Ed: "The one you are going to get if you don't go upstairs and put a
beefsteak on it."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a
financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ed: "Why don't you name the dog Ralph? This way, not only can people call him, dogs can call him too. Oh Ralph! Ralph! Ralph! Ralph!"

(Ed barks like a dog and scares Ralph.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!"

"Nephew of The Bride":

(Ralph tries to open the window to get Aunt Ethel's milk.)

Ethel: "Pull harder."

Ralph: "If I pull any harder, I will lift the building off the ground."

Frank Gannucci

02-28-2010, 11:02 PM

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "Can I use your phone?"

Ed: "No, Trixie is dressing."

Ralph: "But the phone is in the kitchen."

Ed: "That is where she is dressing. There is no window shade in the bedroom."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "What theme should we use for the dance?"

Ed: "How about the Vikings discovering America?"

Ralph: "You want to use that theme in the Sons of Italy hall?"

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ed puts a lit match near the thermometer.)

Ed: 'Hey Ralph, what is a normal temperature, around 98 isn't it?"

Ralph: "98.6."

Ed: "What would you say a bad temperature is?"

Ralph: "102. 103. What is it Norton? What is my temperature?"

(A pause.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT IS MY TEMPERATURE NORTON?"

Ed (starting to cry, yells): "111."

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous, that I couldn't answer the first question."

Ralph: "What question was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "Your mom's apartment is too small for us."

Alice: "You didn't say that when we lived there before. Mother's apartment is getting smaller."

Ed: "Yeah, but Ralph is getting bigger."

"The New Manager":

Ralph: "I know. We will take the Nortons on our honeymoon."

Trixie: "Ralph, you don't want us on your honeymoon."

Ed: "Will you keep quiet woman?"

"Head of The House":

Ed: "In my household, I am the boss of the household."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmm."

Ed: "I think that any man that is afraid of his wife, isn't a man."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmmm."

Ed: "And I can't stree this too strongly that a husband is the boss."

Interviewer: "Yes?"

Ed: "Now don't quote me because if my wife reads that, she will kill me."

"Head of The House":

Ralph: "Men are responsible for the shape the world is in."

Alice: "Well, I am glad to hear one of you finally admit it."

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in the broken-down hotel.)

Ralph: "We can knock down those cobwebs."

Alice: "I wouldn't do that Ralph. They are holding up the wall."

Frank Gannucci

03-01-2010, 02:21 PM

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Trixie was down here and she said that she saw you on the show."

Ralph: "She was? Well, what did she say?"

Alice: "Well, she said that she was the biggest thing on TV."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Mr. Faversham says that I have something that is on stage and stretches out into the audience."

Alice (patting Ralph's stomach): "You certainly have."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

(Ed puts his cigarette in Alice's sink that is full of balloons.)

Ralph: "What kind of mind must a man have to put a lit cigarette in a sink loaded with balloons?"

Ed: "What kind of mind must you have to have a sink full of balloons?"

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Be kind to the people you meet on the way up because you are going to meet the same type of people on the way down."

Ed: "How true. ’Be kind to the people you meet on the way up because you are going to meet the same type of people on the way down.' Happens to me every day in the sewer."

"Vacation at Fred's Landing":

(Ralph picks out a small fish that he claimed that he had a big tug-of-war with.)

Alice: "This is the fish you had the tug-of-war with?"

Ralph: "He lost a lot of weight during the fight."

"Stand-In for Murder Part 1":

Ralph: "Help yourself to the food."

(Ralph puts food that Alice cooked on his plate. Ed puts a lot more on his plate.)

Ed: "I don't want to eat too much. I just had supper."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"We Spy":

(Ralph & Ed greet the girls wearing Russian uniforms. They try telling the girls the story about them being mistakes for spies in Russia.)

Ralph: "Honestly I am telling the truth. Where do you think we got these clothes from?"

Alice (reading the label on Ralph's uniform): "'The Fat Man's Shop.'"

"You're In the Picture":

Trixie: "You know, you can buy anything in here that is made out of straw."

Ed: "Good. I will buy you a broom."

Frank Gannucci

03-02-2010, 10:51 PM

"Catch A Star":

Alice: "Ralph, if you think that you are going to get Jackie Gleason to come to this dance of yours, you are out of your mind."

Ralph: "There she (Alice) is: Happy Mildred!"

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "One of these days, you are going to push me too far."

Alice's Mom: "The only thing that could push you is a bulldozer."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

(Ralph is at the psychiatrist's office.)

Doctor (to Ralph): "You are going to like this. This is fun. This is an aptitude test."

Ed: "Can three people play?"

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Nobody is 100% Alice."

Alice: "You are. You have been wrong every time."

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "You're not stopping me. I am loaded with ideas."

Alice: "Anybody who hears those ideas will sure think that you are loaded."

"Battle of The Sexes":

(Ed & Ralph have been having Franks and beans for three days.)

Ralph: "I would like to have a decent meal too."

Ed: "Yeah, I see that you are wasting away to a blimp."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Trixie was down here and she said that she saw you on the show."

Ralph: "She was? Well, what did she say?"

Alice: "Well, she said that you were the biggest thing on TV."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The boys come home.)

Ralph: "Shh! Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What?"

Ralph: "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shh! Alice is asleep.'"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "This furniture is good for me."

Alice: "Sure it is. But, just because you are a Raccoon doens't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

Frank Gannucci

03-03-2010, 10:25 AM

Frank Gannucci

03-04-2010, 09:04 PM

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(After Ralph's idea to get the tooth out fails [him and Ed tied one side of a string on a doorknob and the other end on his tooth and they slammed the door shut only to have the doorknob come out], Ralph has a doorknob hanging out of his mouth.)

Ed: "I got an idea. We tie one side of a string on your tooth and the other side to the end of the car, I put the car in drive and vroom! Out goes the tooth."

Ralph: "You are an idiot!"

Ed (yells): "Maybe I am but I don't have a doorknob hanging out of my mouth."

"The Next Champ":

Mr. Amrstrong: "Is this (Ed Norton) you're fighter?"

Ralph: "No, he just looks punch-drunk."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph tries to get Art Carney's autograph for Alice.)

Art: "What's the name?"

Ralph: "My name is Ralph Kramden, but she knows that."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

(Nick and another guy offer Ralph a job and $600 before he starts it.)

Ralph: "$600, I don't know what to do first."

Ed: "I do."

Ralph: "What is that?"

Ed: "I wouldn't tell Trixie."

"Norton Moves In":

(Ralph and Norton are sharing the cot. Ed is having a cigarette.)

Ed: "Ralph, I dropped the match in the bed. Ralph?"

Ralph: "Nee na miz."

Ralph (feeling the lit match, yells): "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"Nephew of The Bride":

Alice: "Aunt Ethel is only staying for a couple of days."

Ralph: "Yeah, those days are Decoration Day, fourth of July and Groundhogs Day."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a
financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that's very encouraging that you sold to your last costumer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you found the right thing to say. Did you remember what you said to that last costumer?"

Ed: "Sure I do. I said: 'Mama, you just got to buy this iron.'"

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "That phone is for you-you-you."

(The phone rings.)

Alice: "Hello?" (poking Ralph with the receiver): "It's for you-you-you."

Frank Gannucci

03-05-2010, 01:25 PM

"Please Leave The Premises":

(Ralph & Alice are fighting the rent increase by doing without heat, gas, water & electricity. Alice wants to leave.)

Ralph: "I'm the General. What I say goes."

Alice: "Than you better say Alice because I am going."

"Man From Space":

Ralph: "You are not up on the latest developments."

Alice: "I'm not? Who is it that lets your pants out every week?"

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Alice gives Ralph some celery sticks.)

Alice: "How do you like your supper Ralph?"

Ralph: "My supper? You mean to tell me that that was my supper? What are these things (knife & fork) for, to commit suicide with?"

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "Look me over. Now describe my build to me."

Ed: "Well, if I were to describe your build I would sya that you have well-developed muscles, got good bone structure, fine frame...and the whole thing is covered with fat."

"Hero Part 1":

(Ralph opens a can of turpinetine. Tommy is amazed.)

Tommy: "That proves that I am right."

Ralph: "Right about what?"

Tommy: "Well, I say that it is all muscle. But, all my friends say that you are a big load of fat."

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in their uniforms. Ed's bellhop uniform is too tight.)

Ralph: "Are there any questions?"

Ed: "Yes, how do I get out of this chicken outfit?"

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that is very encouraging that you sold to your last customer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you finally hit on the right approach. Now, do you remember what you said?"

Ed: "Sure. I said: `Mama, you just go to buy this iron.'"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph is dressed up as a hola girl. Trixie is dressed up as a sailor. They are rehearsing for a talent contest. Ralph comes in.)

Ralph: "What are you doing and who is he?"

Alice: "That's Trixie."

Ralph (to Trixie): "All right. What are you doing and who is she (Alice)?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "My mother had an offer to appear in silent pictures but she turned that down."

Ralph: "For your information, the reason why she did that was because she couldn't keep silent."

Frank Gannucci

03-06-2010, 10:34 AM

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ralph: "I want you to know Alice that it was pretty lonely here without you."

Trixie: "Oh Ed, why don't you talk to me like that?"

Ed: "I would be happy to if you only go away once and a while."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(The boys are playing poker.)

Ralph: "Why are you raising everybody if you are going out for?"

Ed: "I was trying to bluff you out of the pot."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "For you information, I happen to be four pounds underweight. It says so in the chart."

Alice: "You must have been looking at a chart for a hippopotamus."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Hey Ralph!"

Ralph: "What?"

Ed: "Mind if I smoke?"

Ralph: "I don't care if you burn."

"The Deciding Vote":

(Ralph and Ed are looking at a vaccum.)

Ed: "I can say that by listening to that motor there that the amateor sprocket is causing interference which in turn causes the combustion line to interfere with the flow in the dynaflow."

Ralph: "Now what does that mean?"

Ed: "I don't know."

"The Deciding Vote":

(Ralph has his hands near the sink. Water isn't coming out after Ralph turned one of the knobs.)

Alice: "Somebody upstairs must be using water. You know the water runs bad in this building."

Ralph: "Well, that's just fine."

Alice: "Would you have some paitience Ralph? The water will be on in a minute."

Ralph: "Okay, Alice I will be patient. I will put my hands under the faucet here and wait for the wtaer. It might take hours. It might take days. But I will be here very patiently for the water..."

(Hot water along with steam comes out and the hot water hits Ralph's fingers.)

Ralph (yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph thinks that Alice is cheating on him.)

Ed: "I will follow Alice like a regular hawk. I will follow her to the ends of the earth."

(Ed hums the "Dragnet" theme as he leaves. He soon comes back.)

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I lost her on the stairs."

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Alice: "You and Norton will have to sleep out in the kitchen."

Ralph: "Just a moment. Whenever you mother or your Aunt Ethel comes, I have to sleep in the kitchen. It's a good thing that we don't have a cat because if he ever wanted to sleep in the kitchen, I would have to sleep in a box out in the hall."

"Six Months To Live":

Ralph: "That does it Norton. In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Don't get so upset. Doctos can be wrong to you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy, did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."

Frank Gannucci

03-07-2010, 10:55 PM

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Trixie: "Every mistake that Ed has made, Ralph has talked him into."

Ralph: "I didn't talk him into marrying you, did I?"

Trixie: "Ed, did you hear what he said?"

Ed: "He got us there. He didn't."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Alice: "How could you even think of going to the movies when Ed took you to the Kit Kat Club on your birthday?"

Ralph (from bedroom): "Did I ask him to take me there? Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested going to the Copa."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ralph: "Statistics show that all bald-headed men are rich. They have got money. Do you know why? Because they are smart. They got brains. The more brains they have, the less hair they got."

Alice (feeling Ralph's hair): "I rest my case."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ed: "With all the noise you two have been making, you woke me out of
a sound sleep."

(Ed leaves.)

Ralph: "I woke him out of a sound sleep? I woke him out of a sound sleep?" (stepping on the tacks that he dropped, yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"Unconventional Behavior":

(Ed & Ralph are handcuffed on a train. Ed tried syaing "Boomph" to get out, like he was instructed but it doesn't work.)

Ralph: "I have had enough of the boomphing. Get the key out and open them up."

Ed: "There ain't no key. You got to boomph your way out."

Ralph (yells): "I AM GOING TO BOOMPH YOU OUT OF THE WHOLE CAR."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed has been hypnotized to believe he's going to work.)

Great Fatchumara: "You are down in the sewer now."

Ed: "I am down in the sewer now. Prepare to submerge."

(Ed "submerges.")

Ed: "I am now walking in the water." (looking at Ralph): "Look out. There's a whale in the sewer. It's Moby Dick."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "Alice wants a TV set."

Ed: "Ralph, how did she know about such a thing as TV. I thought that
you kept her in the dark on things like that."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

(The Kramdens & Nortons see Mr. Mosby about getting a cottage.)

Mr. Mosby: "I am going to do for you what I did for my mother."

Ed: "You are going to buy one for us?"

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

(Ralph, Alice & Ed are practicing the stunt.)

Ralph: "How could I get there as fast as you?"

Ed: "Take off 90 pounds."

Frank Gannucci

03-08-2010, 10:12 AM

"The Deciding Vote":

(Ralph turns on the vaccum cleaner. It doesn't work.)

Ed: "I think that motor needs a drop or erl."

Ralph: "Yeah, that is all that it needs. A drop of oil."

Alice: "A drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Alice: "I read in a magazine once where they said 50% of the pain is mental. 50% of that toothache is here (in the mouth). The other 50% is here (head)."

Ralph: "For your information, 100% of it is in here (mouth). There is nothing up there (head)."

"Pal O' Mine":

Ralph: "Is there any lard around here?"

Alice: "Yeah, about 300 lbs. of it."

"Pal O' Mine":

(Ed just showed the ring that he is going to give to his boss, Jim McKeever.)

Alice: "Why didn't you get the store where you got this from to gift-wrap it for you?"

Ed: "Oh, they got some silly rule down there. 'No gift-wrapping for any purchase less than $3."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The boys come home.)

Ralph: "Shh! Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What?"

Ralph: "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shh! Alice is asleep.'"

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

Ralph: "This furniture is good for me."

Alice: "Sure it is. But, just because you are a Raccoon doens't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Peacemaker":

Ralph: "You know that when I lay down on that bed, it takes me an hour to get to sleep."

Alice: "Remarkable. Every night for fifty-nine minutes, you snore before you go to sleep."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed comes out with a sailboat. Ralph wants to take a bath.)

Ralph: "You don't mean to tell me that you kept me waiting out here for 20 minutes while you were in there playing with a boat in the tub?"

Ed: "I'm sorry Ralph. This is a new boat. We were on the Shakedown Cruise!"

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph and Mrs. Paterson think that Ed loves Alice but the feeling isn't matual.)

Mrs. Paterson: "Why don't you give your wife the benefit of a doubt?"

Ralph: "All right, maybe they don't love each other but if they do, they are going to have a lot of fun on the moon."

"Ship Of Fools":

(The photographer feels Alice's leg.)

Ralph (yells): "HEY! HEY! HEY!"

Alice: "All he wants is a little chesse cake."

Ralph: "Why doesn't he go to a deli then?"

Frank Gannucci

03-09-2010, 01:36 PM

Frank Gannucci

03-10-2010, 10:14 AM

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "I didn't empty out your garbage because it is part of my efficency system. Your garbage can was half full. When it's full-full, then I will empty it. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here, save a trip there and it all mounts up."

Ed: "That is what I am afraid of. It's mounting up all over the building."

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Ralph & Alice are eating dinner.)

Ralph (pointing at his food): "What is that?"

Alice: "That is the appetizer."

Ralph: "What?"

Alice: "The appetizer."

Ralph: "I had my appetizer. I drove a bus for eight hours."

"Boys & Girls Together":

Ralph: "Even the Constitution says that we are entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

Ed: "But the marriage license is an amendment to the Constitution."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

(Ralph & Alice just got introduced as contestants on "Beat The Clock.")

Bud Collyer (as himself): "Have you lived in Brooklyn all your lives?"

Ralph: "Not yet."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice is in the phone booth. They boys don't know it.)

Ralph: "I'm the one in the faimly with it up here."

(Ralph points to his head.)

Ed: "You got plenty of it down there too."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice wants to buy new furniture.)

Ralph: "Furniture? Furniture? We got furniture."

Alice: "Sure we got furniture. But just because you are a Raccoon doesn't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph? You are my husband."

Ralph: "No, I'm your brother."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Nick: "How about $400 a week."

(Ralph coughs.)

Nick: "$500."

(Ralph coughs more.)

Nick: "$600."

Ralph: "Norton, give me some water."

Ed: "Don't be a dope Ralph. Keep coughing Ralph. You will be a millionaire in no time."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, did your first day really go well?"

Ed: "It was a dark, dark day."

Frank Gannucci

03-11-2010, 03:27 PM

(ALN):

(AmericanLife also has an OnDemand Service. This show might be one of the shows to watch.)

TV-G

All times are Eastern.

All color episodes are one hour.

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Shelia MacRae as Alice Kramden. Jean Kean as Trixie Norton.

Fri. March 12, 2010 10a #13 (aka #166) – “Without Reservations”: Ralph's brother-in-law Stanley persuades Ralph and Ed into buying a strategically located hotel along the route of a proposed highway. The highway ends up bypassing the hotel, putting Ralph and Ed out of business but money in Stanley's pocket since he's a construction worker on the new highway.

5p #7 (aka #160) - "You're in the Picture": Blackmailers fake a hanky-panky photo of Ralph in Madrid, and for once, Alice is jealous.

Sat. March 13 2a & Sun. March 14, 2010 3a #25 (aka #178) – “Two Faces of Ralph Kramden”: Ralph is set up as an "insurance executive" by mobsters because he is a dead ringer for their boss (also played by Gleason). Their real boss is fleeing the country with his moll; Ralph, as his stand-in, is due to be exterminated momentarily. Only the intervention of Norton, Alice, and Trixie saves Ralph's life.

Mon. March, 15, 2010 1a #47 (aka #200) – “Double Trouble”: Jackie plays a dual role as the Honeymooners check in at scenic Sun Valley, Idaho. A Kramden look alike is passing some bad checks, and the Honeymooners devise their own disguise to track down the culprit.

2a #3 (aka #156) - "The Poor People of Paris": Ralph & Ed get a great exchange rate -- on counterfeit money.

3a #26 (aka #179) – “The Main Event”: Boxer "Dynamite" Moran is living with the Kramdens and Ralph is his new promoter. His first knockout, strictly unofficial and off the record, is staged for the benefit of the manager of heavyweight contender "Killer" Cuoco. The scheme works until Norton accidentally decks Dynamite. Undaunted, Ralph vows to stay in the fig ht game. Only this time, he will train Norton for the ring.

Fri. March, 19, 2010 10a #14 (aka #167) – “Life Upon The Wicked Stage”: Ralph pairs up with Ed and Alice pairs up with Trixie to enter a talent contest. Alice and Trixie win first place and Alice uses her winnings to buy Ralph the expensive fishing gear he's had his eyes on.

5p #8 (aka #161) - "We Spy": Ralph and Ed wander onto a Russian firing range while visiting Germany and are mistaken for spies.

Sat. March 20 2a & Sun. March 21, 2010 3a #27 (aka #180) – “To Whomever It May Concern”: Ralph, told to turn in his bus driver's uniform, dashes off a scathing letter to his boss, only to realize he was not being fired but promoted to traffic manager. He retrieves the letter, and then mails it again by mistake. His boss receives the letter, but has no one to blame, since it is unsigned. Then Norton stops by the boss' office to plead for another chance for his pal...and Ralph's professional aspirations take another nose dive.

Sun. March 21 2a & Mon. March 22, 2010 3a #28 (aka #181) – “Sleepy Time Gal”: Ralph meets a hypnotist, the Great Fatchoomara, at the Raccoon Lodge, and persuades him to put Alice in a trance. That way, she will have to show Ralph where she hides her emergency cash. Unfortunately for Ralph, Alice overhears his scheme and substitutes a note for the money. He doesn't realize until too late, on a train to the Miami Beach Raccoons' Annual Convention, that Alice was wise to him all along.

Mon. March 22, 2010 2a #49 (aka #202) – “We’re Off To See The Wizard”: The Honeymooners' Mardi Gras celebration turns typically topsy-turvy. A hotel mix-up leads the foursome to Emma (Doro Merande), Norton's very-distant relative. Emma, a phony spiritualist, takes them in -- then in a séance tries to take Ralph in again.

2a #29 (aka #182) – “Boy Next Door”: Alice, planning a surprise birthday party for Ralph, borrows a cookbook recipe from Trixie. Ralph, discovering the cookbook, finds in it an old love letter written by Ed. He concludes that Ed and Alice are lovers and takes the appropriate actions: following them and telling Trixie. But Trixie just laughs at Ralph, and then she tells him the truth.

(Famnet)

This channel now airs The Color Honeymooners.

Fri. March 12 5p & Fri. March, 19, 2010 5p “No episode title” (CC?) - Ralph Kramdens schemes to improve his lot in life.

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

Mon. March, 15, 2010 1a #25 (aka #116) - "House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"): Alice accepts a department store's offer to redecorate their apartment for free. She wants to surprise Ralph, so she arranges to secretly meet with the decorator---who then makes the mistake of leaving one of his gloves in the flat. When Ralph finds the glove, he suspects Alice of having an affair. Andre: Alexander Clark.

1:30a (CC) #41 (aka #65) - *“Game Called On Account of Marriage”: Ralph gets tickets to a World Series game, but the game falls on the same day as Alice's sister's wedding.

Mon. March 22, 2010 1a #031 (aka #122) - "On Stage": "Polo ponies." "On Stage" (originally telecast April 28, 1956) actually began, says co-writer Leonard Stern, "with that one word...and we built a whole sketch around it." And it's that single word---pronounced by Norton (Art Carney) to rhyme with monopolies---that has almost single-handedly made this a favorite among Honeymooners fans. The episode begins with Ralph getting a juicy part in a play being mounted by the Raccoon Lodge's Women's Auxiliary. Suddenly Ralph is strutting around like the Barrymore of Bensonhurst and entertaining dreams that a Hollywood producer in the audience will offer him a contract. But before the actual performance, there's a rehearsal with Norton---and that word---to contend with.

1:30a #48 (aka #138) - *“Finders Keepers”: Ralph and Norton want to buy a candy store. To raise the money, they participate in a contest to find $1,000 hidden somewhere in New York City.

*: This episode has been edited HEAVILY.

Credit goes to zap2it.com, the old honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & John K's Book To The Moon.

"Alice & The Blonde":

(Alice catches Ralph sneeking into their apartment.)

Alice: "Ralph, do you know what time it is?"

Ralph: "Yeah, it's a little after 11."

Alice: "Yeah, about three hours after 11."

"The Sleepwalker":

(Ed has been annoying Ralph while Ralph is trying to get some sleep.)

Ed: "Ralph, are you sure you don't want a kumpquat?"

Ralph (rolling over in bed, yells): "WILL YOU GET TO BED?"

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

(We learn that Ed took the bag of groceries for his lunch.)

Ed: "I have one complaint though. Those cookies were very stale."

Trixie: "What cookies?"

Ed: "Those little round ones."

Trixie: "Those were brillow pads."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is letting astrology run his life.)

Ralph: "There is nothing I can do about it. It is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"Move Uptown":

(The Kramdens and Trixie are outside.)

Ralph: "Where is Norton? We have to load the trailor."

Trixie: "I don't know."

(Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bong! Boom!)

(Ed comes out with pots and pans tied around him.)

Ralph: "Why do you have to make so much noise for?"

Ed: "Shh."

Ralph: "Don't 'shh' me."

Trixie: "Did you hurt yourself?"

Ed: "No, luckily the pots and pans broke my fall."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ralph: "The more brains people have, the less hair they got."

Alice (feeling Ralph's hair): "I rest my case."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Alice is dressed like a young woman.)

Alice: "Who is going to look at me Ralph? I'm an old woman."

Ralph: "Who would look at an old woman? An old man."

Alice: "Yeah? You should know."

"Ralph's Gone Hollywood":

Ralph: "Don't you know an assgot when you see one?"

Ed: "You certainly are."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "Don't take any pictures of Dr. Norton. He's very modest."

Ed: "I wouldn't mind a few pictures."

Frank Gannucci

03-12-2010, 10:20 AM

"The Deciding Vote":

(Ralph turns on the vaccum cleaner. It doesn't work.)

Ed: "I think that motor needs a drop or erl."

Ralph: "Yeah, that is all that it needs. A drop of oil."

Alice: "A drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ralph: "You know the condition that I am in. You know that I can't do anything by myself."

Alice: "How did you get out here?"

Ralph: "Don't change the subject."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ed: "I know a man that died from stubbing his toe."

Man: "How is that possible?"

Ed: "He stubbed it on the edge of the Grand Canyon."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "Good thing that I have a brain to figure these things out for us."

Ed: "You sure do Ralph. You can think of smart things to get yourself out of the dumb things that you get yourself into."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph and Ed have just finished playing poker with ther friends.)

Ralph: "Did you ever see a sore loser like that?"

Ed: "Yes, I did. Two weeks ago when you lost."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you know that if I become Raccoon of The Year that we get the honor of free burial at the Raccoon National Cemetary? Do you know where that is? Bismark, North Dakota."

Alice: "Well, that's wonderful Ralph. Just wonderful. I always dreamed about going out west."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "Can you take a hint?"

Ed: "Yes."

Ralph: "All right." (yells): "I HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! NOW GET OUT."

Ed: "Okay, what's the hint?"

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "You can't put your arms around a memory."

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is all the janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be hard with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and tell him off good."

Alice: "I was waiting for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I'm home. So go down and tell him off."

Frank Gannucci

03-13-2010, 10:08 AM

"One Big Happy Family":

Ralph: "That is my business. Driving a bus."

Alice: "If you ate more, you wouldn't be able to fit in a bus."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking that set over my dead body."

Ed: "I couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "From now on, you are to address me ina civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "Count backwards from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I have become Taurus the Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man bu it's the same old bull."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Trixie: "This set is Ed's legally."

Ralph: "Oh, so it's legally his. It's legally his. What law school did you go to? I was unaware that they had a law school at Minsky's."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ed: "Tell Ralph that he's a low-down skunk."

Alice: "Ed says that you are a low-down skunk."

Ralph: "Tell him that he's a miserable bum."

Alice: "He says that you are a miserable bum. So, Low-Down Skunk meet Miserable Bum."

"Nephew of The Bride":

(Ralph found out that Alice's Aunt Ethel and Herman are moving in since Herman lives at the YMCA. He picks up his hat and puts it on.)

Alice: "Where are you going?"

Ralph: "To the YMCA."

Frank Gannucci

03-14-2010, 08:30 PM

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

(Harvey just saw Ralph "KO" somebody.)

Harvey: "That is some punch you got there."

Ralph: "It wasn't anything. I hurt him with my bad hand."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows how much you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

"The Prowler":

Ed: "I came by to tell you to put some stuff up against the door."

Ralph: "Thank you but I have already done that."

Ed: "How did I get in?"

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Alice: "I'll go get a flashlight for you."

Ralph: "I don't need one."

(Ralph leaves and falls down the stairs. Alice comes by the door. He comes back.)

Ralph: "Well, don't just stand there. Get me a flashlight."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Spell antidistanttablihmentterrism (sp?)."

Ralph: "I'll spell it...I'll spell it...I'll spell it."

Alice: "Well, go ahead."

Ralph: "I will spell it when you give me $16,000."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."

"Six Months To Live" (Color):

Telegram Man: "I was instructed to give this letter to Mrs. Kramden."

Ralph (taking the letter): "I'm Mister Kramden."

(The telegram man holds out his hand, expecting a tip.)

Ralph: "Your hand is very dirty."

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

Ralph: "Norton, I must be nuts to go out every night when I have a darling wife at home."

Ed: "At least I got a good excuse."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

(Ralph comes home. He goes to the window.)

Ralph (yells): “NORTON! COME ON DOWN!”

(Ed comes down dressed like a leprechaun and scares Ralph.)

Ralph: “What is the matter with you?”

Ed: “It's Saint Patty's Day. I just thought I would dress up. All the people down in the sewer did it too. Too bad, all the costumes were rented because they got soiled when the tide came in.”

Ralph: “Well, tonight the Raccoons are going to have the first annual Raccoon St. Patty's Day Dinner. There will be beer for all. There is also a prize in the BINGO game tonight. The winner gets $25,000. It is going to be me Norton. I can feel it.”

Ed: “If it isn't me, I hope it is you Ralph. All that money will probably be put to good use. Of course, I won't be surprised if you spent some of it on food.”

Ralph: “Ooooooh, you are a riot Norton! Tonight, I think is my night to have some luck.”

(They both sing a song about luck. Later on, the Kramdens and Nortons are at the Raccoon St. Patty's Day Dinner.)

Alice: “I hope that you don't drink too much beer Ralph.”

Ralph: “I can handle my liquor. I never got drunk in my life.”

Alice: “I suppose you were sober Ralph when you came home from a lodge meeting one night, opened the window and yelled: 'Mrs. Gallagher, get your cat out of our apartment.'”

Ralph: “What was her cat doing there?”

Alice: “It wasn't a cat. You had your Raccoon hat on backwards.”

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph (yells to Ed): “SHUT UP!”

(They all play BINGO.)

Head Raccoon: “B 21.”

Ralph: “Got it.”

Head Raccoon: “I 33. N 71. G 85.”

Ralph: “Oooooh, I got the first four. $25,000 will come to me. All he has to say is O 10.”

Head Raccoon: “O 11.”

Ed (yells): “BINGO! I WON!”

(Ralph has a mean look on his face.)

Ralph (yells): “YOU LOOKED AT HIS CARD NORTON! PUT 'EM UP YOU LEPRACHAUN.”

(Everyone tries to separate them.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: “The Miami Beach audiences are the GREATEST. GOOD NIGHT. THANK YOU.”

(Audience cheers.)

Frank Gannucci

03-15-2010, 04:07 PM

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "I want to do the things that young people do. That is what keeps you young."

Ralph: "You want to do things that young people do? Let's play games that young people play. Let's play 'House.' You'll be the mommy and I'll be the poppy. All right mommy - CLEAN UP!"

"Dial J For Janitor":

(The house phone is ringing.)

Ralph: "I'm not answering it. I'm not answering it. Let it ring-ring-ring because I'm not answering it."

Alice: "But they are playing your song."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Nobody is 100% Alice."

Alice: "You are. You have been wrong every time."

"Brother-In-Law":

Frank: "Hey Ralph, are you going to eat your soup?"

Ralph: "I'm not hungry."

Frank (about to grab the soup): "Well, I hate to see anything go to waste."

Ralph (taking the soup): "I just got hungry."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(All of them are in the lemon that is their cottage.)

Ralph (yells): "WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK ALICE? WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK? I AM TELLING YOU THIS PLACE IS GOING TO BE FIXED UP REAL GOOD."

Alice (yells): "YOU MADE A MISTAKE. WHY DON'T YOU ADMIT IT RALPH?"

Ralph (yells): "ALL RIGHT. I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I MADE A MISTAKE. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME."

Alice (yells): "DON'T TEMPT ME RALPH. DON'T TEMPT ME."

"My Fair Landlord":

(Ralph has just complained to Mr. Olsen that he does nothing for the apartment building. Ralph leaves.)

Mr. Olsen: "Your husband has got a lot of nerve saying that to me Mrs. Kramden. I do plenty around here. Last night, I was up until midnight waxing the stairs..."

Ralph (falling down the stairs, yells): "DUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed comes out with a sailboat. Ralph wants to take a bath.)

Ralph: "You don't mean to tell me that you kept me waiting out here for 20 minutes while you were in there playing with a boat in the tub?"

Ed: "I'm sorry Ralph. This is a new boat. We were on the Shakedown Cruise!"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(It's Alice's birthday and Ralph has forgotten it.)

Alice: "Ralph, you do remember what today is?"

Ralph: "Sure, it's my pool night."

Alice's Mom: "See? He's good for nothing."

Ralph: "How do you know? You never saw me shoot pool."

"You're In The Picture":

(The Kramdens and Nortons are shopping in Spain.)

Alice: "This only costs 120 posadas (sp?)."

Ralph: "Only 120 posadas? You think I am made of posadas?"

Alice: "I said posadas. Not potatoes."

Frank Gannucci

03-16-2010, 08:44 AM

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Ralph (yells): "WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK ALICE? WOULD YOU GET OFF
MY BACK? I TOLD YOU THIS PLACE WILL LOOK BEAUTIFUL."

Alice (yells): "YOU MADE A MISTAKE. WHY DON'T YOU ADMIT IT RALPH?"

Ralph (yells): "ALL RIGHT! I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I MADE A MISTAKE. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME."

Alice (yells): "DON'T TEMPT ME RALPH! DON'T TEMPT ME."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Doctor: "This is an aptitude test Mr. Kramden. You are supposed to take an object and fit it in its respective hole."

Ed: "Can three people play?"

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph (to Carlos): "It's easy for you to play Sir Galahad. You don't work. When you work, you dance. That's not work. When we work, we work. Dirty work. Just take a look at my friend's hands and mine and yours."

Ed: "It's not fair to compare my hands to his. I got mine in water all day."

"On Stage":

(Ralph is thinking of how to greet the Raccoons in his letters.)

Ed: "How about 'Greetings!'?"

Ralph: "'Greetings?'"

Ed: "Yeah, the draft board did pretty good with that one."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(The car won't start.)

Trixie: "Ralph, it might help if you turned the ignition key."

Ralph: "I was just about to do that. I just wanted to see if the battery was alive."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "First you almost made me lose my hearing. Then, you try to electrocute me. Why don't you help me some more, run over me with the car?"

Ed: "I can't get the car started."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "I am a nobody."

Ed: "I could have told you that 10 years ago."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "The bills will get bigger and bigger and I will have less to eat. I will start losing weight. Then, do you know what I will look like?"

Alice: "Yeah, a human being."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "You want my salary to leak out?"

Alice: "Your salary coundn't even drip out."

Frank Gannucci

03-17-2010, 08:41 AM

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Alice: "Why do you want the suit back?"

Ralph: "I'll tell you why. It's my lucky suit."

Alice: "Lucky suit? You haven't worn it in five years."

Ralph: "Do you know how lucky I have been for the last five years?"

"$99,000 Answer":

(Ralph's practicing is keeping everybody, including McGarrity, up.)

Ralph: "This time, tomorrow night, my picture will be on the front page of every newspaper in the USA."

McGarrity: "So will mine for killing you."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ralph: "I am not nervous, Alice. I am not nervous. I may be a little excited about inheriting $40,000,000, but I am not nervous."

(Ralph polishes his sock.)

Alice: "You are not nervous Ralph. You are not nervous at all. You just read in Esquire about how the well-dressed man always polishes his sock."

"Quiz Show":

Alice: "Boy, that brother of yours is the stupidest person I have ever seen."

Ralph: "How could you look at me and say that?"

"Quiz Show":

Ralph: "I had four years of schooling."

Alice: "And I had eight years."

Ralph: "Well, some people learn faster than others."

"Better Living Through TV":

(Ed has Trixie's dress on while Trixie has to measure the hems.)

Trixie: "Do you have to smoke that cigar?"

Ed: "Please, it's the only link left to the old me."

All quotes come from "Curse of The Kramdens":

#1

Mayor: "Did your mitther come from Ireland?"

Ed: "What's a mitther?"

Ralph: "He means your mother."

Ed: "No, she didn't. Neither did my britther or my sitther. It was my grandfither."

#2

Mayor: "Ah, you are a Kramden all right. You got the ear of an eagle, the heart of a lion and the dignity of a king. Ralph Kramden, it's good to meet you."

(He shakes the hand of Ed.)

Ralph: "Wait a minute. I am the one with the ear of an eagle, the heart of a lion and the dignity of a king. Ralph Kramden, it's good to meet you."

Ed: "Yeah, I got the tooth of an elk."

#3

(The mayor compliments the husbands on their chocie of wives.)

Alice: "You have been kissing the blarney stone."

Ed: "If he said those compliments about Trixie, I would say he drank the whole thing."

Happy St. Patty's Day!

Frank Gannucci

03-18-2010, 09:21 AM

"The Sleepwalker":

Ed: "With all the noise, you woke me up from a sound sleep."

(Ed leaves.)

Ralph: "I woke him out of a sound sleep? I woke him out of a sound sleep?" (stepping on the thumbtacks that he dropped, yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "I want you to count backwards from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Remember last year at the convention when the cops were cracking down on the people who were dropping bags out of the hotel window? That didn't bother me. I just went 1...2...3 and I threw them out."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "Look me all over. Now describe my build to me."

Ed: "Well, if I were to describe your build, I would say you have very well-developed muscles. Got good bone structure. Very good bone structure. Fine frame...and the whole thing is covered with fat."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "For my height, I am four pounds underweight. It says so in the chart."

Alice: "You must have been looking at a chart for a hippo."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Get in that kitchen and start cleaning up."

Alice: "Only if I use you for a mop."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "In this hotel, the guest doesn't have to lift a finger."

Ed: "Neither does the manager."

"You're In The Picture":

Ed: "Did you really cut yourself shaving?"

Ralph: "Of course not."

Ed: "Oh, you dog you. You have been eating pizza again."

"Love Letter":

Ralph: "What was she (Trixie) holding behind her back?"

Alice: "Ralph, really it was nothing."

Ralph: "Alice, you don't hold nothing behind your back. You show it out in front so everybody can see it. Now, what was she holding behind her back."

Alice: "All right. She was hiding your birthday present."

Ralph: "Why did you tell me for? You know I like surprises."

Frank Gannucci

03-19-2010, 12:37 PM

"A Matter of Life & Death":

(Alice laughs at Ralph's "Death letter.")

Alice: "This is a riot."

Ralph: "This is a riot. We will see how much of a riot it is when you have to finish the payments on the ice box."

"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "I am going to count to 10 and when I do, I am going to belt you."

Ed: "I am not scared of you. If you could count to 10, you wouldn't be investigated by the IRS."

Ralph (yells): "OUT!"

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

Alice: "Hi Ed."

Ed: "Whaddaya say Alice?" (to Ralph): "Hello Skinny."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "Loans are a bank's lifeblood."

Ralph: "Good because we are in desparate need of a transfusion."

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "Tell them Alice. Do I wear a girdle?"

Alice: "No."

Ralph: "There you are."

Alice: "He wanted one but they don't make them that big."

"Mexican Hat Trick":

Ralph: "Well Norton, do I look like a gay Cabrello?"

Ed: "Let me see you walk."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

(Alice warns Ralph about his behavior towards Uncle Howard.)

Alice: "You are going to say: `Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts.'"

Ralph: "Don't worry."

(The butler comes in and Ralph thinks it is Uncle Howard.)

Ralph: "Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Trixie was down here and she said that she saw you on the show."

Ralph: "She was? Well, what did she say?"

Alice: "Well, she said that she was the biggest thing on TV."

"You're In The Picture":

(Ralph is dressed as a matador while Ed has bulls horns. Ed is warming up.)

Ralph (yells): "COME ON!"

Ed (yells): "I'M WARMING UP IN THE BULLPEN!"

(Ed charges like a bull and misses Ralph. Ed then decides to stick the horns in Ralph's backside.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHH!"

Frank Gannucci

03-20-2010, 09:56 AM

"Hello Mom":

Ralph: "Cream-chipped beef again?"

Alice: "Yeah, but I fixed it a new way, Ralph. I got the recipe out of a movie magazine. Its Ricardo Cortez's favorite."

Ralph: "Well, I hope when Ricardo gets here tonight he enjoys it!"

"Peacemaker":

Alice: "Why don't you take advantage of the time you have now and go to sleep."

Ralph: "You're right. Sorry I yelled at you. Good night."

(Ralph goes to the bedroom. The alarm clock rings. It's 5am. Time to go to work for Ralph. Ralph brings the alarm clock out and has a weird look on his face while Audrey tries her best not to laugh.)

Ralph (yells): "IT'S FIVE O' CLOCK. IT'S FIVE O' CLOCK."

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Alice: "You and Norton will have to sleep out in the kitchen."

Ralph: "Just a moment. Whenever you mother or your Aunt Ethel comes, I have to sleep in the kitchen. It's a good thing that we don't have a cat because if he ever wanted to sleep in the kitchen, I would have to sleep in a box out in the hall."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

"Lunchbox":

(Ralph thinks that Alice packed an awful lunch for him. He also sees Alice's shoes in the stove. He doesn't know that they were there for drying purposes.)

Ralph: "What were the shoes doing in the stove?"

Alice: "What do you think they were stupid, your dinner?"

Ralph: "After today, I wouldn't be surprised."

"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "Oh, is that all that they are going to do? They're just gonna take it out of my refund? It just so happens Alice that I was planning on that refund - IN ITS ENTIRETY! I need all of the refund - all 42 dollars! I can't afford to let any of the 42 go! I got to go down to Fred's Landings - I need 42 dollars! What am I gonna do if I haven't got enough money?"

Alice: "We'll just have to cut down, Ralph. Just ask for a cheaper tent with a smaller snake."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ralph tries to stand up straight with his bad back.)

Ralph: "How does this look? Does this look natural?"

Ed: "Yeah, like the Leaning Tower of Pizza."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed & Ralph are trying to think of a way to get that woman, as they refer to her as, out of the phone booth. Unbeknownst to them, the woman is Alice.)

Ed: "Why don't we go across the street, call here, tell this lady she is wanted home. She leaves. Then, we come back here to call up the hypnotist."

Ralph: "Did you just say to go across the street, call here, tell this lady she is wanted home, then when she leaves, we use this phone to call up the hypnotist?" (yells): "I NEVER HEARD ANYTHING MORE STUPID IN MY LIFE. THIS PHONE WOULD BE BUSY IF WE DID THAT."

Frank Gannucci

03-21-2010, 08:58 PM

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph and Ed have just finished playing poker with ther friends.)

Ralph: "Did you ever see a sore loser like that?"

Ed: "Yes, I did. Two weeks ago when you lost."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you know that if I become Raccoon of The Year that we get the honor of free burial at the Raccoon National Cemetary? Do you know where that is? Bismark, North Dakota."

Alice: "Well, that's wonderful Ralph. Just wonderful. I always dreamed about going out west."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "Can you take a hint?"

Ed: "Yes."

Ralph: "All right." (yells): "I HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! NOW GET OUT."

Ed: "Okay, what's the hint?"

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "You can't put your arms around a memory."

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is all the janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be hard with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and tell him off good."

Alice: "I was waiting for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I'm home. So go down and tell him off."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

Bing: "Looks like you run a very democratic household Ralph."

Trixie: "Yeah, you know what happened to them in the last election."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "Nobody is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one big enough?"

"Ralph Kramden Inc."

Ed: "Is that the crunchy kind of peanut butter?"

Ralph: "Yes, it is the crunchy kind and I can prove it to you. When this jar hits your head, you will hear a crunch."

Frank Gannucci

03-22-2010, 09:58 AM

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "I was born under the sign of Pieces The Fish."

Ralph: "You were born under the sign of Pistachio The Nut."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I found out that I am Taurus The Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man but it's the same old bull."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

Ralph: "14 years, I have fractured myself driving a bus, just to take care of her. All ofa sudden today, I see her coming out of a restuarant and go into a cab with another guy. That's loyalty for you."

Ed: "The least she could have done was take a bus."

"The Safety Award":

Ed: "Somebody down at the bus depot had an idead for a plaque to put on Ralph's bus that says: 'You are now driving with the World's Safest Bus Driver: Ralph Kramden.'"

Alice: "Oh, a plaque like that. I like that. Ed, you can tell me, who thought of the idea?"

Ed: "Ralph."

"The Safety Award":

Ralph: "You got to talk Trixie into taking that dress off."

Ed: "I am too young to die."

"You're In The Picture":

(Alice seeing a photo of a woman kissing Ralph, jumps to the conclusion that Ralph is seeing another woman. Ralph tries to tell her that the woman is a blackmailer and much to Ralph's chagrin, she forced herself on him, but to no avail. A policeman comes and explains that the woman in the picture is a blackmailer and reveals the fact that what Ralph said was true.)

Alice: "Forgive me Ralph."

Ralph: "Not yet, I want to enjoy this for a while."

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Ralph Kramden."

Ed: "I am as close as anybody can get to him."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Alice, come on out. Dynamite is here."

(Alice slams the bedroom door.)

Ralph: "I guess that she is still asleep."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ed puts a beauty mark on Ralph's left cheek after the makeup put some makeup on Ralph's eyes and lipstick.)

Ralph: "What did you just do?"

Ed: "I put a beauty mark on your left cheek."

Ralph: "Why did you do that?"

Ed: "Without it, you look exactly like Barbara Streisand."

Frank Gannucci

03-23-2010, 10:30 PM

(ALN):

(AmericanLife also has an OnDemand Service. This show might be one of the shows to watch.)

TV-G

All times are Eastern.

All color episodes are one hour.

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Shelia MacRae as Alice Kramden. Jean Kean as Trixie Norton.

Fri. March 26, 2010 10a #15 (aka #168) – “Rafitti, Brooklyn Style”: Ralph tries to score points with his boss by collecting money from the drivers at the depot and buying the boss' daughter an elegant watch as a wedding present. Alice and her mother discover the watch and since it's Alice's birthday, jump to the wrong conclusion. Ralph stages a phony holdup to get the watch back but is thwarted when a real crook overhears his scheme.

5p #9 (aka #162) - "Petticoat Jungle": The Kramdens & Nortons go on a safari. The men go hunting -- Ralph kills a rabbit, Ed kills an elephant.

Sat. March 27 2a & Mon. March, 29, 2010 3a #30 (aka #183) – “Follow The Boys”: When the wives complain that their husbands don't fuss over them anymore, Ralph and Ed come up with a compromise: one night a week will be "boys' night out," the other nights they will spend with Alice and Trixie. But this is just another scheme that backfires on Ralph, who is planning to wear out the wives on the first night, but overcomes himself with exhaustion instead.

Sun. March 28, 2010 2a #38 (aka #191) – “Play It Again Norton”: The Honeymooners wreck havoc on a cross-country tour. Our two willing but not-so-able boobs (Ralph & Ed) enter a song contest sponsored by movie star Worthington Kenmore (played by Paul Lynde). The prize: $25,000 and a Hollywood trip. The problem: entrants must be under 18.

3a #29 (aka #182) – “Boy Next Door”: Alice, planning a surprise birthday party for Ralph, borrows a cookbook recipe from Trixie. Ralph, discovering the cookbook, finds in it an old love letter written by Ed. He concludes that Ed and Alice are lovers and takes the appropriate actions: following them and telling Trixie. But Trixie just laughs at Ralph, and then she tells him the truth.

Mon. March 29, 2010 1a #50 (aka #203) – “Operation Protest”: Ralph gets his big break when he becomes public-relations director for his bus company. But joy may be short-lived: guess which bus company Alice's protester-nephew is picketing.

2a #39 (aka #192) – “Ralph Goes Hollywood”: Bing Crosby, Maureen O'Hara and Bert Parks are the guests as the Honeymooners head for Hollywood to claim their songwriting prize. High jinks include a stay at Maureen's mansion, expense-account living and Ralph's plan to throw a party for Bing. (The role of the "reporter" is played by George Petrie.)

Fri. April 2, 2010 10a #23 (aka #176) – “Nephew of The Bride”: Alice's Aunt Ethel (played by Doro Merande) moves in with the Kramdens. Ralph, who has to sleep on a cot in the kitchen, plays Cupid for her and Krausmeyer, the butcher (played by David Burns). His plan succeeds, Ethel and Krausmeyer elope, and they return to the Kramdens' for a place to live until they can find a home. And Ralph moves to the YMCA.

Sun. April 4, 2010 3a #1 (aka #154) - "In Twenty-Five Words or Less": Ralph wins the Flakey Wakey trip to Europe for four by entering a slogan contest.

Mon. April 5, 2010 2a #42 (aka #195) - “The Honeymoon Is Over”: Mike Douglas guests as the Honeymooners are invited to plug the prize-winning song on Mike's show. And what a show it is: Ralph and Alice have an on-camera tiff that gets everyone into the act.

3a #43 (aka #196) – “Happiness Is a Rich Uncle”: Joey Heatherton guests as the go-go girl sweetheart of Alice's Uncle Howard (David Burns), an 83 year-old millionaire. Suspicious that she's gone-gone over Howard's gold, the Honeymooners decide to put Emily to the test -- with suave Norton as bait.

(Famnet)

This channel now airs The Color Honeymooners.

Fri. March 26 5p & Fri. April 2, 2010 5p “No episode title” (CC?) - Ralph Kramdens schemes to improve his lot in life.

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

Mon. March 29, 2010 1a #035 (aka #124) - "Unconventional Behavior": Ralph and Norton become joined at the wrists when Norton tries out his "trick handcuffs" in "Unconventional Behavior," which originally aired May 12, 1956. Aboard a train en route to the lodge's convention in Minneapolis, the guys look forward to "five days of hilarity" and try out some of the novelty items that Norton's brought along. But when Norton's handcuffs won't unlock (there is no key), he and Ralph become closer than they'd like. This scenario yields some memorable physical humor, including Norton trying to take his coat off and the guys trying to figure out some way to sleep in upper and lower berths. It also provides one of the series' all-time lines. "Mind if I smoke?" Norton asks a frustrated Ralph. "I don't care if you burn," Ralph fires back.

1:30a (CC) #60 (aka #57) - *“Man in the Blue Suit”: Ralph wins big at poker and hides it in an old suit so Alice won't find out how much he has won. Alice gives the suit to charity.

Mon. April 5, 2010 1a (CC) #93 (aka #75) – “A Promotion (Part One)”: On his first day as assistant cashier of the Bus Company, Ralph accidentally locks the safe and must keep the money at home overnight.

1:30a #94 – “A Promotion (Part Two)”: So Alice won't find out about Ralph's blunder, he and Norton hide the money in a brown bag and put it in the icebox. Everything is fine until Alice decides to defrost the refrigerator.

*: This episode has been edited HEAVILY.

Credit goes to zap2it.com, the old honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & John K's Book To The Moon.

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Little Man: "My pal Harvey is bigger than me."

Ralph: "I got a friend Shirley who is bigger than you."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "The theater has been in me all my life."

Alice: "Yeah, I knew that that wasn't your stomach. It was the balcony."

"Without Reservations":

Stan: "Are there any openings at the bus depot?"

Ralph: "No."

Stan: "Then how do you get in the building?"

"Dinner Guest":

Man: "Me and my wife are big TV fans. Where's the TV?"

Ralph (speaking at the same time as Alice): "It's out getting repaired."

Alice (speaking at the same time as Ralph): "We don't have a TV set."

Ralph (speaking at the same time as Alice): "We don't have a TV set."

Alice (speaking at the same time as Ralph): "It's out getting repaired."

Ralph: "What my wife is trying to say is that if we had a TV set, it would be out getting repaired."

"Boys & Girls Together":

Alice: "Well Ralph, I am ready to sit down."

Ralph: "So?"

Alice: "Well, who's going to help me with my chair?"

Ralph: "There's only two of us in the room so unless you have a torn ligament or something, you'll do it."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is trying to bang his pipes to get water for his apartment. Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "NORTON, WOULD YOU STOP THAT BANGING? I GOT A HEADACHE."

Ed (from upstairs, yells): "I NEED WATER. I NEED TO TAKE A BATH."

Ralph (yells): "DO ME A FAVOR AND STAY DIRTY JUST FOR THE NIGHT."

"Unconventional Behavior":

(Ed & Ralph are handcuffed on a train. Ed tried saying "Boomph" to get out, like he was instructed but it doesn't work.)

Ralph: "I have had enough of the boomphing. Get the key out and open them up."

Ed: "There ain't no key. You got to boomph your way out."

Ralph (yells): "I AM GOING TO BOOMPH YOU OUT OF THE WHOLE CAR."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ed is ripping up his jacket just so he would look like a bum to get his suit back from the Help The Needy Society.)

Ralph: "I paid $8 for this jacket."

Ed: "Would you stop being so penny wise and half a pound foolish? You need to get the $73 from that jacket's pocket. $8 from $73 is, uh...You got a lot left over."

"Six Months To Live":

Ralph: "That does it Norton. In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Don't get so upset. Doctos can be wrong too you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy, did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."

funy123

03-23-2010, 11:35 PM

it is such high quality drama, I can't see how you couldn't get into it.

desperate housewives 1-6 dvd (http://www.dvdcollectionsale.com/Desperate-Housewives-Seasons-1-6-DVD-Boxset--DVD-1793.html)

Frank Gannucci

03-24-2010, 07:24 AM

"A Man's Pride":

Alice: "Why can't we go to the Colonade Room?"

Ralph: "Name me one truck driver who eats there?"

"Lawsuit":

Ralph: "I have to put some weight on my broken leg."

Ed: "You are just the boy that can do it."

"One Big Happy Family":

Alice: "One morning, Ed will use the bathroom first. The next morning, you will
use the bathroom first."

Ralph: "Well, that solves my whole problem. Now, I will only be late every
OTHER day."

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are playing pinball.)

Ed: "You can still come up empty you know."

Ralph: "The only thing empty around here is your head."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "You want my salary to leak out?"

Alice: "Your salary coundn't even drip out."

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down the street, there AIN'T no other side."

"King of The Castle":

(Alice & Trixie are in Trixie's apartment. From the hallway, Ralph is moaning.
Ralph is trying to play the sympathy routine. Alice is on it.)

Alice: "If I don't pay attention, the moan is going to come in spurts like this:
'Whoooa-Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho!"

Ralph (from hallway, moans loudly): "WHOOOA-HO-HO-HO-HO! WHOOOA-HO-HO-HO-HO!"

"Confusion, Italian Style":

(Ralph is thinking that Alice is eeing a boy named Harry Vederchi because he
heard her on the phone talking to him and he thinks that is his name when she
said 'Arribaderchi.' Ralph tells her what is wrong with him.)

Ralph: "All right. Harry Vederchi."

Alice: "All right, good-bye."

"The Worry Wart":

Alice: "Ralph, you are not the first person to be investigated by the government."

Ed: "She's right. The jails are full of them."

Frank Gannucci

03-25-2010, 07:21 AM

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "I got news for you Alice. Your husband is crazy."

Alice: "Okay. So what's the big news?"

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy that Ed put down.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD?
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR? YOU GOT RID OF THE HIC-
OFFS, DIDN'T YOU?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Norton Moves In":

Ralph: "They are going upstairs."

Alice: "They are staying here."

Ralph (yells): "THEY ARE GOING UPSTAIRS."

Alice: "They are going upstairs over my dead body."

Ralph: "Don't tempt me."

"Pal O' Mine":

Trixie: "Ed said for all the sewerworkers to come formal to the party."

Alice: "Formal?"

Trixie: "White ties and black boots."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "How could I get there as fast as you Alice?"

Ed: "Take off 90 pounds."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "You don't know how to handle money."

Alice: "Of course not. I never had any practice."

"Hot Tip":

(Ed comes in with a loud jacket.)

Ralph: "Where did you get that jacket?"

Ed: "That is what they are wearing at the track."

Ralph: "Yeah, the horses. Not the people."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ed: "How long is the lease for?"

Ralph: "The usual."

Ed: "What is the usual?"

Ralph: "99 years."

"Play It Again, Norton":

(Ralph & Ed went to see Mr. Worthiington Kenmore. Ed disguised himself to look 18. Later on, Washington Kenmore visited the Kramdens.)

Trixie: "I'm Treeny's high school sweetheart."

Worthiington Kenmore (looking at her): "You're kidding."

Frank Gannucci

03-26-2010, 08:22 AM

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "All right Alice, don't give me the money and if you don't, I am walking out that door! And once I walk out that door it is for good! I will never come back in here again! I will never set foot in this building once I walk out that door! You're going to be awful lonesome around here all by yourself, Alice! Just remember; you can't put your arms around a memory!"

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you!"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph picks up the jacket that Ed put the hot iron on. The jacket is now burned.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that's my idea of a burn."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Alice: "You mean that you are going to call your boss at 11:30 Friday night?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Alice: "Ralph, that's crazy. He might be fast asleep."

Ralph: "That's his tough luck."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph is trying to butter Alice up so he can get the money from her so he could go on the Racoon Convention.)

Ralph: "That was a nice dinner that you made me."

Alice: "You liked the cold cuts."

(A slight pause.)

Ralph: "My, isn't she lovely."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm going to take a bath."

Aunt Ethel: "Would you mind if I brushed my teeth first?"

Ralph: "Give them to me and I'll do them for you."

"Goodnight Sweet Prince":

Alice: "Ed, don't you have to go to work?"

Ed: "There not too concerned about punctuality down in the sewer Alice. As a matter of fact, they think that they are lucky if we show up at all."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell Ed how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "Well, I was driving my bus. He was ready to cross the street by a traffic light and I stopped for at that traffic light because of the red light."

(Ralph looks around.)

Ralph: "Well, if I gone through the light, I may have hit him."

Ed: "You didn't save him. You saved your bus."

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "Trixie & Ed had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"A Matter of Record":

Tommy: "How about it Mr. Kramden? Do you think you can cover first base?"

Ed: "My boy, you are looking at a man that can cover the infield, outfield and all four corners of the bleachers."

Frank Gannucci

03-27-2010, 07:31 AM

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is that no-good janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be tough with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and you have to tell him off good."

Alice: "I was witing for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I am home. So, go down there and tell him off."

"Sees All, Knows All":

(The fortune teller is looking in her crystal ball.)

Fortune Teller: "It is cloudy. It is cloudy."

Ed: "Ralph, who do you know named Cloudy?"

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Ed (bringing in the cot): "Hi folks! I hope I didn't disturb your sleep."

Ralph: "No, you didn't. I get up every morningat 3am. That way, I can get a seat on the subway going to work."

"Pal O' Mine":

(Ed just showed the ring that he is going to give to his boss, Jim McKeever.)

Alice: "Why didn't you get the store where you got this from to gift-wrap it for you?"

Ed: "Oh, they got some silly rule down there. 'No gift-wrapping for any purchase less than $3."

"Box Top Kid Part One":

Trixie: "Ed believes that before you go to Europe, you should see a bit of America first. So we made a list. So far this year, we have scratched off Bayoone, Yonkers & Scranton."

Alice: "What are you going to scratch off this year?"

Trixie: "I would like to scratch off Norton."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I would say that by listening to that motor there that the amateor sprocket is causing interference which in turn causes the combustion line to interfere with the flow in the dynaflow."

Ralph: "Now what does that mean?"

Ed: "I don't know."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "One of these days, you are going to push me too far."

Alice's Mom: "The only thing that can push you is a bulldozer."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You got rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head. I got rocks in my head. I got NOTHING in my head."

"The Main Event":

(Ed is showing off his boxing skill for Dynamite.)

Ed: "Cover up your face Ralph! Cover your face! Cover your face!"

(Ralph covers his face. Ed hits him in the stomach.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!...OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!...OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! WHY DID YOU HIT ME IN THE STOMACH WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO COVER MY FACE!"

Ed (yells): "I WAS SHOWING DYNAMITE NOT TO TRUST ANYBODY IN THE RING."

Frank Gannucci

03-28-2010, 07:26 AM

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Alice: "Have you told Trixie about the change in vacation plans. I know that she wanted to go to Atlantic City."

Ed: "Trixie will go where I want to go."

Ralph: "Atta boy pal! Put your foot down."

Alice: "What are you going to do if she puts up a squawk?"

Ed: "Very simple. I will tell her that Atlantic City is closed for the summer."

"Expectant Father":

(Ralph thinks that he is going to be a father. He wants his new boy to be a fighter.)

Ed: "Why don't you name the kid Percy?"

Ralph: "Percy?"

Ed: "With a name like that, he will be fighting all the time."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Two For The Money":

(Ed & Ralph dance to music that is coming from Dehnny's Bar's jukebox at 3am. The owner unplugs it.)

Restaurant Owner: "Do you want me to lose my license?"

Ed: "Don't worry. We will drive you home."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Ralph: "Since we are going to be living here, I may need to get my wife some new clothes."

Bruno: "Don't worry about it. All she will need is a black dress."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "The theater has been in me all my life."

Alice: "Yeah, I knew that that wasn't your stomach. It was the balcony."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "I am going to the game."

(Ralph leaves.)

Alice: "You are not going to the game."

Ralph (opening the door): "I am going to the game."

(Ralph leaves.)

(Alice opens up the window.)

Alice (yells): "YOU ARE GOING TO MY SISTER'S WEDDING."

(Alice closes the window.)

(Ralph comes back up.)

Ralph (opening the door, yells): "I AM GOING TO THE GAME."

"Young At Heart":

(Ralph comes out with his crazy custome on.)

Ralph: "Well, how about it?...Well, how about it? What do you think?"

Ed: "Wait a minute. Just give me time to drink this whole thing in. It's like seeing Boulder Dam for the first time."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows how much you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

Frank Gannucci

03-29-2010, 07:22 AM

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Ralph: "After tonight, I may have my own pool table in my apartment."

Ed: "If you do, you would have to stand on the sink to make a shot."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Alice: "You got holes in your gloves. Fix the silverware."

Ralph: "How would you like to have some fingers in your nose?"

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "Why can't you get behind me?"

Alice: "It's not my fault Ralph. It's just that there is no room back there."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "A derrick couldn't get me out of this chair."

Alice: "A good big one might be able to."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "I know how to throw my weight around."

Alice: "If you did, you wouldn't leave it where it is."

"Champagne & Caviar":

Mr. Marshall: "How did you get a job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Just lucky. I guess."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Howard: "Someday, I would like to meet your wife. You are a fine man. Even though I only met you seconds ago, I wish I had a son like you."

Ed: "Take me. I'm yours."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Joey: "A wife is very independent. An American wife is very dominating, she wants to run everything, she will nag you, she won't let you go out nights and she won't let you do the things that you want to do."

Ed: "You are telling me."

"Sun & Raccoon Capital":

Ralph: "You are my special assistant. You will be there where all the big decisions are made. You will be there for all the top-level meetings. You will be in all the smoke-filled rooms."

Ed: "Big deal. I work in the sewer all day and then at night, I have to sit in a smoke-filled room."

Frank Gannucci

03-30-2010, 07:29 AM

"Two-Family Car":

Ralph: "All right. You will have the car Monday-Friday. I will have the car on the weekends."

Ed: "Wait a minute. I work those days. You take the car five days and let me take the car two days."

Ralph: "Okay, your days are Wednesday and Thursday."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I don't remember the song I used to play on this cornette. I got the music right here."

(Ralph plays the cornette. No sound is heard.)

Alice: "Not so loud Ralph. You will disturb the neighbors."

"Young Man With A Horn":

(Ralph has been playing the cornete badly.)

Ralph: "Norton, would you mind taking these clothes upstairs to put on the clothesline?"

Ed: "Are you going to play the cornette?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Ed (taking the clothes): "I will be very happy too."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ed helps Ralph rehearse. Ralph is in the bedroom waiting to get out.)

Ed (reading the script): "Hello there!" (not reading): "Testing. Testing 1-2-3-4. Testing. Woof! Woof! Testing."

Ralph (opening the door): "Let's get going."

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

Ralph: "Norton, I must be nuts to go out every night when I have a darling wife at home."

Ed: "At least I got a good excuse."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

Bing: "Looks like you run a very democratic household Ralph."

Trixie: "Yeah, you know what happened to them in the last election."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Alice: "There's an old wives tale Ralph. 'A man works from sun-to-sun, but a woman's work is never done.'"

Ralph: "Good gosh!"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "You can't put a square box into a round hole."

Ralph: "Why not? You put your head into your hat, don't you?"

Frank Gannucci

03-31-2010, 07:31 AM

Frank Gannucci

04-01-2010, 07:25 AM

Frank Gannucci

04-02-2010, 07:28 AM

"Something Fishy":

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE NOT GOING!"

Alice (yells): "I AM GOING!"

Ralph: "The only place that you are going to is the moon."

"Move Uptown":

Mrs. Winters: "Do you and your wife have any wild parties?"

Ralph: "No."

Ed: "He hasn't even taken his wife out in the last five years."

"We Spy":

Ralph: "In a foreign country, you got to live like a native."

Alice: "In Brooklyn, I live like a native."

"We Spy":

Interrorgator: "What were you two doing in the Russian firing range?"

Ed: "I don't have to tell you anything. Because of the Geneva conventions, all I have to do is tell you my name, address & social security number."

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (to Ralph): "How now brown bovine."

Alice: "That is a new word he just learned."

Ralph: "Now, he knows three of them."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "You are to address me in a civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"The Adoption" & "Expectant Dad":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. Nothing wrong with that. They used to call us 'Big' Ralph & 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What do you do for a living?"

Ralph: "I brive a dus."

Herb: "You brive a dus?"

Ralph: "A dus I brive."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

Ralph: "14 years, I fractured myself just to take care of her. Now, I just saw Alice coming out of an Italian restaurant with another guy. That's loyalty for you."

Ed: "The least she could have done was take a bus."

Frank Gannucci

04-03-2010, 07:34 AM

"The Deciding Vote":

(Ralph turns on the vaccum cleaner. It doesn't work.)

Ed: "I think that motor needs a drop or erl."

Ralph: "Yeah, that is all that it needs. A drop of oil."

Alice: "A drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ralph: "You know the condition that I am in. You know that I can't do anything by myself."

Alice: "How did you get out here?"

Ralph: "Don't change the subject."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ed: "I know a man that died from stubbing his toe."

Man: "How is that possible?"

Ed: "He stubbed it on the edge of the Grand Canyon."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "Good thing that I have a brain to figure these things out for us."

Ed: "You sure do Ralph. You can think of smart things to get yourself out of the dumb things that you get yourself into."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph and Ed have just finished playing poker with ther friends.)

Ralph: "Did you ever see a sore loser like that?"

Ed: "Yes, I did. Two weeks ago when you lost."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "Can you take a hint?"

Ed: "Yes."

Ralph: "All right." (yells): "I HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! NOW GET OUT."

Ed: "Okay, what's the hint?"

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "You can't put your arms around a memory."

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is all the janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be hard with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and tell him off good."

Alice: "I was waiting for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I'm home. So go down and tell him off."

"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What is your wive's name?"

Ralph: "Mrs. Kramden."

Frank Gannucci

04-04-2010, 07:16 AM

"On Stage":

Ed (reading the script): "'I don't possess a mansion, a villa in France, a yacht, or a string of...'" (mispronouncing):"...'poloponies.'"

Ralph (reading the script): "'I feel very...'" (not reading): "String of..." (mispronouncing): "...poloponies?"

Ed: "It says so right here."

(Ralph looks.)

Ralph (yells): "THAT'S POLO PONIES."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "All right. We'll flip a coin to see where the set goes. Gimme a coin."

(Ed gives Ralph a coin.)

Ralph: "All right. Heads, I win. Tails, you lose. Right?"

(Ralph flips.)

Ralph: "Tails, you lose."

Ed: "Wait a minute. Wait a minute. If you don't mind, will you mind giving me back my coin?"

"Lost Job":

(Ralph just told Ed that he lost his job. Ralph and Alice just declined a request to go out with the Nortons. It was going to be Ed's treat.)

Alice: "We got to hold on to the money that we have."

Ed: "I know how you feel pal. I remember when I was a kid, my father lost his job. He was out of work for years. We didn't have anything. We were very poor. I didn't even have a toy to play with. Then, I remember one Easter; an uncle of mine comes to the house. He gave me one of those candy rabbits. Boy, I loved it. I played with it. I showed to everybody. Finally, it got so dirty that I had to eat it."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ralph: "Alice, where's my shoehorn?"

Alice: "It's in the top, left-hand drawer."

(Ralph looks.)

Ralph: "It's not in the top-hand, left-hand drawer."

Alice: "It must be there."

Ralph: "It must be. It must be but it's not. Don't say 'It must be' Alice. What you mean is maybe. Not must be, maybe."

(Alice looks in the drawer and finds it.)

Alice: "This must be it, maybe."

"Stand-In For Murder Part 1":

(Nick and another man see Ralph so they can get him a job in which he will be killed.)

Ralph: "I have been driving for the Gotham Bus Company for 14 years and I hate to leave that job if this job wasn't steady."

Nick: "Steady?"

Man: "I'll tell you, you will have this job for as long as you live."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "This poolroom isn’t big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom isn’t big enough for you and anybody."

"Santa & The Bookies":

(Lefty and his boss just picked Ralph for their Santa.)

Lefty: "We sure picked ourselves a beaut."

Lefty's Boss: "When Easter comes, we can use him for a bunny."

"Run, Santa, Run":

(Ralph is in his Santa suit.)

Ralph: "If I do real good, can you get me a job as an Easter bunny?"

Sidney (aka "Mr. Smith #1"): "If you do real goo,d I will give you a job in February as a Groundhog."

"Petticoat Jungle":

(Ralph is showing the girls the "rabbit" he killed. The "rabbit" doesn't even look real. It looks like something you would find in a kids' room.)

Trixie: "This (the "rabbit") is what you came to Africa for?"

Alice: "What was he doing when you shot him, coloring Easter eggs?"

Frank Gannucci

04-05-2010, 07:24 AM

"Hair-Raising Tale":

Ed: "Here's on bottle. H2O."

Ralph: "H2O. Oh, that is pronounced ho."

"Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Doctor: "I notice that you have a slight limp. Is that disability permanent?"

Ralph: "No, it isn't. I got it this morning. I hit myself with a hammer."

Doctor: "You hit yourself with a hammer?"

Ralph: "Don't get the wrong idea. Ed hit my leg with the hammer."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ed: "Well Ralph, what kind of day has it been today? Has it been a day like all others or one that illuminates our lives?"

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP!"

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "You are supposed to waddle like a duck."

Ralph: "How can I do that?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"Without Reservations":

(Ralph and Ed are in the run-down hotel.)

Ralph: "Would you stop with the wisecracks Norton? When the girls get here I wanna make a good impression!"

Ed: "If you wanna make a good impression, keep the door shut!"

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

(Ralph's boss made Ed Ralph's supervisor.)

Ralph: "It's not my pride."

Alice: "Well, your job is still the same."

Ralph: "Let's face it Alice. When Norton becomes my boss, I'm quitting."

Alice: "Why?"

Ralph: "I got my pride."

"Hot Tip" (Color version):

Ralph: "Where did you get that jacket?"

Ed: "That is what they are wearing down at the track."

Ralph: "Yeah, the horses. But not the people."

"Box Top Kid Part One":

Trixie: "Ed believes that before you go to Europe, you should see a bit of America first. So we made a list. So far this year, we have scratched off Bayoone, Yonkers & Scranton."

Alice: "What are you going to scratch off this year?"

Trixie: "I would like to scratch off Norton."

"People's Choice Part 1":

Ed: "You should go down to my Uncle's place in New Jersey. 'Bullets' will never find you there."

Ralph: "He won't?"

Ed: "No, I have been going down there for the past three Sundays in a row. I can't even find the place myself."

"One Big Happy Family":

Man (from upstairs, yells): "KNOCK OFF THE NOISE DOWN THERE!"

(Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP BEFORE I REPORT YOU TO THE SUPERINTENDENT."

Man (from upstairs, yells): "I AM THE SUPERINTENDENT."

Frank Gannucci

04-06-2010, 08:16 AM

(ALN):

(AmericanLife also has an OnDemand Service. This show might be one of the shows to watch.)

TV-G

All times are Eastern.

All color episodes are one hour.

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Shelia MacRae as Alice Kramden. Jean Kean as Trixie Norton.

Fri. April 9, 2010 10a #24 (aka #177) – “Out of Sight, Out of Mind”: Ralph is sent to the company psychiatrist when he loses his temper once too often on the job. He is advised to give up his friendship with Norton, Norton mistakes his farewell note for a suicide note, and shadows Ralph to keep him out of trouble. Ralph, seeing Norton everywhere he looks, thinks he's losing his mind...until the truth comes out and the psychiatrist decides that Norton and Kramden belong together.

5p & Sun. April 11, 2010 3a #2 (aka #155) - "Ship of Fools": The Kramdens and Nortons sail to Europe. Ralph and Ed set themselves adrift on a life boat but are rescued some time later. Upon arriving in Paris, Ralph poses for a publicity photo and falls off the deck.

Sat. April 10, 2010 2a #49 (aka #202) – “We’re Off To See The Wizard”: The Honeymooners' Mardi Gras celebration turns typically topsy-turvy. A hotel mix-up leads the foursome to Emma (Doro Merande), Norton's very-distant relative. Emma, a phony spiritualist, takes them in -- then in a séance tries to take Ralph in again.

Mon. April 12, 2010 2a #44 (aka #197) – “Hawaii, Oh! Oh!”: Donald O'Connor guests as a money minded maitre d' as the Honeymooners visit Hawaii. Charlie (Donald) and his bartender (Jeremiah Morris) concoct a phony diet sauce guaranteed to slim down fatties. The missing ingredient: a sucker. Enter rotund Ralph.

3a #45 (aka #198) – “The Sun & Raccoon Capital”: The end of the harmonious Honeymooners quartet may be near. At the Miami convention of the Raccoons, it's election time. Opponents for the office of High Exalted Mystic Ruler? Ralph and Norton!

Fri. April 16, 2010 10a #25 (aka #178) – “Two Faces of Ralph Kramden”: Ralph is set up as an "insurance executive" by mobsters because he is a dead ringer for their boss (also played by Gleason). Their real boss is fleeing the country with his moll; Ralph, as his stand-in, is due to be exterminated momentarily. Only the intervention of Norton, Alice, and Trixie saves Ralph's life.

5p & Sun. April, 18 2010 3a #3 (aka #156) - "The Poor People of Paris": Ralph & Ed get a great exchange rate -- on counterfeit money.

Sat. April 17 2a & Mon. April 19, 2010 3a #47 (aka #200) – “Double Trouble”: Jackie plays a dual role as the Honeymooners check in at scenic Sun Valley, Idaho. A Kramden look alike is passing some bad checks, and the Honeymooners devise their own disguise to track down the culprit.

Mon. April 19, 2010 2a #46 (aka #199) – “The Match Game”: Frances Langford plays the brain behind a computer-match service, as the Honeymooners breeze into the Windy City. Computer-wise, the Norton's match really clicks -- but Cupid somehow missed with the Kramdens! Who's at fault, man or machine?

(Famnet)

This channel now airs The Color Honeymooners.

Fri. April 9, 2010 5p #7 (aka #160) - "You're in the Picture": Blackmailers fake a hanky-panky photo of Ralph in Madrid, and for once, Alice is jealous.

Fri. April 16, 2010 #8 (aka #161) - "We Spy": Ralph and Ed wander onto a Russian firing range while visiting Germany and are mistaken for spies.

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

Mon. April 12, 2010 1a #039 (aka #127) - "Alice & The Blonde": Audrey Meadows said that she "loved" the episode titled "Alice and the Blonde" (originally telecast June 2, 1956), and it's easy to see why. For once, it's Alice who's fuming. It's all because of what happens at the home of one of Ralph's co-workers. Trying to ingratiate himself with Bert Weedemeyer (who Ralph thinks may become the bus company's new general manager), Ralph---with Norton by his side, naturally-heaps compliments on the man's wife, a ditsy platinum blonde who calls her husband "Twinkles." Ralph's fawning and flattery isn't amusing Alice, who'll have her revenge. Rita Weedemeyer: Freda Rosen. Bert: Frank Behrens.

1:30a (CC) #50 (aka #137) - *“Love Letter” ('56 version): Ralph fears Norton and Alice are having an affair after finding a love letter from Norton he thinks is intended for Alice.

Mon. April 19, 2010 1a (CC) #97 (aka #79) – “Hero (Part One)”: Tommy, a fatherless boy, begins to idolize Ralph, inspiring Ralph to tell the boy exaggerated tales of his own boyhood.

1:30a #98 (CC) – “Hero (Part Two)”: Tommy asks Ralph to attend a Boy Scout competition with him, thinking Ralph will win all of the events because of Ralph's exaggerations.

*: This episode has been edited HEAVILY.

Credit goes to zap2it.com, the old honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & John K's Book To The Moon.

"Hot Dog Stand" & "Principle of The Thing":

Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute necessity?"

Ralph: "I sure do. You can't bowl without one."

"Hot Dog Stand":

(Ed hands a man a hot dog to eat.)

Ralph: "By the way I look, you wouldn't know that I was driving a bus yesterday."

Man: "Oh."

Ed: "I was working in the sewer."

(The man stops himself from eating.)

Man: "Funny. I'm not hungry anymore."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ed: "Ralph, I think I got a splinter from sitting on this bench."

Ralph: "Stay there."

"A Dog's Life":

Ed: "How about we call the food: 'Kramden's Delicious Marshall'?"

Ralph: "Marshall? What kind of stuff is Marshall?"

Ed: "Well, we don't know what this food is. We might as well call it Marshall."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "One hand washes the other while both hands wash the face."

Ed: "Never mind that. Just get me the water. I know how to wash."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "I am just like Washington at Valley Forge."

Alice: "Not exasctly Ralph. George didn't have Martha with him."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ed: "Lately Trixie's Mom has been hounding me. 'Why don't you buy Trixie a new stove?' 'Why don't you get Trixie new clothes?' So, when I get my half of that $200, I will be happy."

Ralph: "You are going to use that money to get Trixie all that stuff?"

Ed: "No. I am going to use it to go to Miami Beach and get away from Trixie's old lady."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Alice accidentally throws her pool cue.)

Alice: "I guess I wasn't supposed to do that."

Ralph: "What was that?"

Alice: "I guess I wasn't supposed to do that, wasn't I?"

Ralph: "Not if we are playing pool, but if we are javelin throwing we are."

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

(The Nortons arrive at the poolroom.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I could tell them where to look."

Frank Gannucci

04-07-2010, 07:27 AM

"Expectant Father":

(Ralph thinks that he is going to be a father. He wants his new boy to be a fighter.)

Ed: "Why don't you name the kid Percy?"

Ralph: "Percy?"

Ed: "With a name like that, he will be fighting all the time."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph is at the dog pound. He just gave back Alice's dog that he hated, but slowly and surely he started not hating it.)

Ralph: "Is my dog going to get a good home?"

Man: "I hope so."

Ralph: "What do you mean by that?"

Man: "We have several dogs who are only supposed to be here for four days. We got several who are over the limit."

Ralph: "What happens to the dogs who are over the limit?"

Man: "They have to be destoryed."

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that the dog I just gave back is going to be destroyed?" (going into the room where all the dogs are, yells): "WAIT A MINUTE!"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that's my idea of a burn."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "Berlin threw away a lot of bad lines."

Alice: "Yeah, if you can only find out where he threw them."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "Do you know what it like Alice to own a home? You can walk outside, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out in the hallway right now and do the same thing."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

Frank Gannucci

04-08-2010, 07:36 AM

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed looks at the toaster.)

Ed: "The radiostat conductor is not making proper contact with the electrocoil."

Alice: "What does that mean?"

Ed: "There's a screw loose."

"The Safety Award":

Ralph: "A group of men are picked to do a job, trained in the same fashion as each other, and there's always one man in the group that stands out far in front of the others."

Ed: "If you stood out any more in front you wouldn't be able to get behind the wheel of a bus!"

"Songs & Witty Sayings Part 1":

Ralph & Ed (sing loudly): "WELL, STROLLING THROUGH THE PARK ONE DAY, IN THE MERRY, MERRY, MONTH OF MAY, I WAS TAKEN BY SURPRISE BY A PAIR OF ROUGHISH EYES..."

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "WILL YOU TWO KEEP IT QUIET DOWN THERE? I AM TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP."

Ralph: "That's that wise guy Garrity."

(Ralph goes to the window and opens it.)

Ralph (yells): "AREN'T YOU HOME EARLY GARRITY? WHAT HAPPENED, DID THE
SALOON BURN DOWN?"

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Alice: "You mean that you are going to call your boss at 11:30 Friday night?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Alice: "Ralph, that's crazy. He might be fast asleep."

Ralph: "That's his tough luck."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "I'm the one in the family who's got it up here."

(Ralph points to his brain.)

Ed: "You got plenty of it down there too."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(Ralph & Ed are in the really broken down cottage.)

Ralph: "$998, we have been robbed. What are we going to tell the girls? They will kill us. They will kill us after they saw the place in the showroom. What are we going to do?"

Ed: "If it was April 1st, we can jump up from behind them and yell: 'April Fool!'"

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in the really broken-down hotel.)

Ralph (to Ed): "You keep it up and you won't even be a bellhop. You'll be a..."

Alice: "Why don't you make him a guest? Nothing can be worse than that."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "I'm going to squeeze Mr. Marshall. He's in no position to squeeze me."

Alice: "Of course not. He couldn't even get his arms around you."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "There isn't anything in this world that's going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow and talking to Ed's boss."

Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you could fit through."

Frank Gannucci

04-09-2010, 07:36 AM

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "You are the type that would bend way over and pick up a pocketbook on April Fool's Day. I wouldn't."

Alice: "You couldn't."

"Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "You don't think I'm crazy."

(Ralph sits down and hits his knee with a hammer. He thinks that his leg that has the knee cap that he hit should go up.)

Ralph: "That proves that I am crazy."

Alice: "It sure does."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The Great Fatchoomara is about to hypnotize Alice so Alice can reveal where she hid the money that Ralph is planning to use on the Raccoon convention.)

Ralph (to the G.F.): "You might think that this is a little underhanded. But, all's fair in love and war."

Ed: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "You know, I don't have the greatest education in the world. I only went to the 6th grade. I should have continued on. I should have went to high school and thru college. That wouldn't have done any good. That would have made things worse."

Alice: "What do you mean?"

Ralph: "How do you think I would feel as a college graduate being fired from a bus company?"

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that is strong enough to do that."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "Do you care if I waste away?"

Alice: "Sure I do Ralph. But you wouldn't waste away if you stayed awake for nine years."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph (yells): "I AM NOT MISSING THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

Alice (yells): "LISTEN. YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR AND YOU WILL BE IN THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "You are going to say: `Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts.'"

Ralph: "Don't worry."

(The butler comes in and Ralph thinks it is Uncle Howard.)

Ralph: "Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts."

"Sun & Fun & The Raccoon Capital":

(Ralph is trying to get into his uniform…his pants are too big. In the storyline, [and Jackie in real life, of course] he lost weight.)

Ralph: "If I go out in these, I will be a laughing stock."

Ed: "If you don't, you will get a few laughs too."

Frank Gannucci

04-10-2010, 07:38 AM

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

(Harvey just saw Ralph "KO" somebody.)

Harvey: "That is some punch you got there."

Ralph: "It wasn't anything. I hurt him with my bad hand."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Spell antidistanttablihmentterrism (sp?)."

Ralph: "I'll spell it...I'll spell it...I'll spell it."

Alice: "Well, go ahead."

Ralph: "I will spell it when you give me $16,000."

"People's Choice Part 1":

Ed: "You should go down to my Uncle's place in New Jersey. 'Bullets' will never find you there."

Ralph: "He won't?"

Ed: "No, I have been going down there for the past three Sundays in a row. I can't even find the place myself."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Ed: "As long as I am in an executive in that bus company, you are sure of being a bus driver as long as you live."

(Ralph gets up and signals for Ed to leave.)

Ed: "This is no way..."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!!!!!!!!!"

"One Big Happy Family":

Man (from upstairs, yells): "KNOCK OFF THE NOISE DOWN THERE!"

(Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP BEFORE I REPORT YOU TO THE SUPERINTENDENT."

Man (from upstairs, yells): "I AM THE SUPERINTENDENT."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "You know what Jackie Gleason gets. Maybe $50 to $100 a night."

Ed: "$50 to $100 a night?"

Ralph: "Yeah. Personally, I don't think he deserves it but that is what he gets."

Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and anybody."

"Hair To A Fortune":

(Ralph & Ed are making the hair-making formula in a bowl.)

Ralph: "You stupid stupe. You made me poor the beer in the bowl."

Ed: "Why are you calling me stupid for? I wouldn't have done it."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "'Ralph, I want the ice box painted.' 'I want a curtain for the bedroom window.' Why do we need a curtain for the bedroom window? All you see is a brick wall. You are not married to Nelson Rockefeller."

Alice: "I got news for you Ralph. You are not married to Happy either."

Frank Gannucci

04-11-2010, 07:14 AM

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ralph: "While I am gone, try not to give away the furniture."

Alice: "I tried but they wouldn't accept it."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "I didn't know that anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm going to take a shower."

Aunt Ethel: "Do you mind if I brush my teeth first?"

Ralph: "Give them to me and I'll do it for you."

"Hello Mom":

Ed: "What's a five-letter word for fat?"

Alice: "Ralph."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Alice: "There's on old wives tale Ralph. 'A man works from sun-to-sun but a woman's work is never done."

Ralph: "Good gosh!"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "No one is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one that's big enough?"

"A Dog's Life":

Alice: "You know you Racoons have more emergency meetings than the U.N.?"

Ralph: "It turns out that the Racoons have more emergencies that the U.N."

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "The Nortons had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"Battle of The Sexes":

(There's a bandage on Ed's head.)

Ralph: "What happened to you?"

Ed: "Remember the part that you told me to say to Trixie that I am the king of the castle. Trixie crowned me."

Frank Gannucci

04-12-2010, 10:59 PM

"Oh My Aching Back":

Ralph (yelling in pain): "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA!"

(Alice comes out.)

Alice: "What was that?"

Ralph: "I was just yawning."

Alice: "Yawning? It sounded like feeding time at the zoo."

"A Matter of Record":

Ralph: "How could you be so stupid Norton? Why would you want to go? You know the ending as well as I do."

Ed: "You call me stupid? You call me stupid? It just so happens that it makes no difference to me what the ending of the play is. I will just wait until it gets real close to the end of the show and I will get up and walk out."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(Ralph brings out a small fish.)

Alice: "This was the big fish that you had the tug-of-war with?"

Ralph: "He lost a lot of weight during the fight."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "It's a good thing that you weren't married to Alex Graham Bell or he would have never invented the phone."

Alice: "It makes no difference in my life. We don't have one."

Ralph: "With your mouth, we don't need one."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

G.F.: "I am going to put you in a state of hypnosis."

Ed: "Promise you won't hurt me?"

"Boy Next Door":

Ralph: "My dad once said this: 'For one of a sock, a shoe was lost. For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a war was lost. For one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost.'"

Alice: "Yeah? Why don't you get lost?"

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ralph: "The more brains men have, the less hair they got."

(Alice puts her fingers in Ralph's hair.)

Alice: "I rest my case."

"A Dog's Life":

Alice: "Do you realize that you Raccoons have more emergency meetings than the U.N.?"

Ralph: "It turns out that we have more emergencies than the U.N."

"Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

(Ralph is trying to convince the doctor that he is not crazy.)

Doctor: "I notice that you have a slight limp. Is that disability permanent?"

Ralph: "No, it isn't. I got it this morning. I hit myself with a hammer."

Now on for my skit:

(Ralph & Ed are hauling up a computer up to Ralph's apartment.)

Ed: "Hey Ralph, why didn't you get a laptop instead of this?"

Ralph: "For a very simple reason. They guy who sold this and Turbo Tax to me on the street sold it to me for $100. I wasn't going to waste $1000 on a laptop."

Ed: "Too bad my computer broke down. I went to Best Buy and the computers are pretty steep. I can't afford one right now. It couldn't have come at a worse time too as far as my favorite web show. Do you realize that tomorrow, the new Captain Video & his Video Rangers are going to Pluto?"

Ralph: "I bought this so I can do my taxes electronically. Get a load of all the dpreciations I have got and all the taxes I have to pay like the horse with the clock in its stomach."

(Ralph & Ed set up the computer. It doesn't work.)

Ralph: "You stupid stupe! You put the monitor in the wrong plug."

Ed: "Sorry Ralph. I just was following what you told me. You said: 'Ed, put the wire in that plug.'"

Ralph: "Don't try to change the subject. We have a few horus to spare so I can file my taxes and get my refund. I was planning on going to Fred's Landing and spending it all there. You should have been with me & Alice afew years ago. You would have died laughing from her running after that snake."

Ed: "I was there. You were way ahead of her."

Ralph: "I can't understnad taxes. I am reading this." (reading): "'Take 4% of the amount on line 4, column B above or tax shown on line 6 7C or 8 page 3, less the amount if any on line 9 page 3, or if tax table is used, then tax an item 7 on page 1 or %2 of taxable income line 5 page 3, if alternative taxes are plickable (sp?) line 20 scheduledy or twice line 20, in case of a joint return.' Go ahead and help me with that."

Ed: "You got the answer?"

Ralph: "I don't even know what the question is."

(It's a few minutes before midnight on Tax Day. The computer is working.)

Ralph: "We are almost done. I am going to click on Send."

(The computer conks out.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAAAAAAAAAT?"

Ed: "Calm down Ralph. The worst thing that could happen to you is that you get sent to the Federal Pen."

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRGH!"

(Alice comes down.)

Alice: "What's the matter Ralph?"

Ralph: "Alice, the Tax Man is going to put me in jail. I didn't file my taxes on time."

Alice: "What are you talking about? I went to H&R Block and we got our taxes done. You are getting a $100 refund."

Ed: "To think that $100 was wasted on this computer."

Ralph (yells): "GEEEEEEEEEEEEEET OUT!"

(Ed leaves.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. I hope everyone in here got their taxes done. It's good that we are here in Florida one of the most tax free states in the country."

(Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "As usual, the Miami Beach audeinces are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience cheers.)

Frank Gannucci

04-13-2010, 07:38 AM

Frank Gannucci

04-14-2010, 09:46 PM

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is looking for Ralph in the cellar.)

Ed: "Janitor? Whoa, janitor."

Ralph: "For the last time, don't call me janitor. I am a maintenance engineer."

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "As time wore on, I grew older. I matured."

Ralph: "Yeah, now you are a full-grown nut."

"The $99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What is your wife's name?"

Ralph: "Mrs. Kramden."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "Robert Taylor eats that food."

Ralph: "That food is garbage."

Alice: "Yeah, well Robert is my idea of a gorgeous garbage can."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "Look at the stomach on you."

Ralph: "That is not my stomach."

Alice: "Then what is it?"

Ralph: "It happens to be a very low chest."

"The Honeyoon Is Over":

(Alice soon starts crying about how she misses Ralph. Ed hugs Alice.)

Alice: "I'm so miserable."

Ed: "You have always been."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

Ralph: "Don't you know an assgot when you see one?"

Ed: "You certainly are."

"Jellybeans":

Ed: "I was in a contest once. You had to name all the states. I got gyped out of the first prize. I named 66 states, the winner only named 48."

Ralph: "You are a mental case."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ed: "Have I seen you once?"

Jean Kean (as herself): "I don't believe so."

Ed: "Did you ever work in the sewer?"

Frank Gannucci

04-15-2010, 07:26 AM

All from "The Worry Wart."

#1:

Ed: "The worst thing they can possibly do to you send you to the Federal pen."

Ralph (coming out of the bedroom, yells): "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SAY STUFF LIKE THAT FOR?"

#2:

Ed (reading the Income Tax book): "Did you get any income from rents, mortgages, annuities or chattels?"

Ralph: "Chattels? What's a chattel?"

Ed: "I guess it means did you make any money selling livestock."

#3:

Ralph: "Penalty For Failure To Report Income" (reading the book): "'All persons are required under this title to pay an estimated tax or tax or are required by this title or by regulations made under authority thereof, to make a return, other than a return required under the authority of section 6015 or section 6016, keep any records or supply any other information and anyone who willfully fails to pay such estimated tax or tax, make such a return or keep such records or supply such information.'"

Ed: "Boy, Ralph it sounds like you are in trouble."

Ralph: "In trouble?! I don't even know what I am talking about."

All from "Income Tax":

#1:

(Ralph reads some Income Tax info.)

Alice: "An idiot can figure that out."

Ralph: "Don't worry. I'll get it."

#2:

Ed: "I just got a new gift for Trixie. You know a gift that proves that I still love her."

Ralph: "What did you get her?"

Ed: "A new broom."

#3:

Alice: "Do you know that the milkman says that the price of milk is going down?"

Ralph: "That's what both of you say, but anyone check with the cow?"

All from "Flushing Ho":

#1:

Ralph: "I have to eat to drive a bus. That is my business. Driving a bus."

Alice: "If you eat any more, than you won't be able to get in a bus."

#2:

(Ralph & Ed try to help each other with their taxes.)

Ralph: "I took depreciation off the furniture."

Ed: "Every 30 cents helps."

#3

Ralph (reading): "'Take 4% of the amount on line 4, column B above or tax shown on line 6 7C or 8 page 3, less the amount if any on line 9 page 3, or if tax table is used, then tax an item 7 on page 1 or %2 of taxable income line 5 page 3, if alternative taxes are plickable (sp?) line 20 scheduledy or twice line 20, in case of a joint return.' Go ahead and help me with that."

Alice: "You got any idea of the answer?"

Ralph: "I don't even know what the question is."

Frank Gannucci

04-16-2010, 05:15 AM

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Alice: "You and Norton will have to sleep out in the kitchen."

Ralph: "Just a moment. Whenever you mother or your Aunt Ethel comes, I have to sleep in the kitchen. It's a good thing that we don't have a cat because if he ever wanted to sleep in the kitchen, I would have to sleep in a box out in the hall."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "My mother was offered to appear in silent pictures but she turned it down so she can have a family."

Ralph: "For your information, the reason why your mother was not in silent pictures was because she couldn't keep silent."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "You had enough food for you to last five days."

Ralph: "Is that so? Well, I want to live for at least six or seven days."

"Alice Plays Cupid":

Alice: "Who are you to talk about looks? You are no Humphrey Bogart."

Ralph: "No, but Henrietta is."

"Stand-In For Murder":

Ralph: "Some day, someone will discover you."

Ed: "Not unless he falls down an open manhole."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Ed: "Boy, it's going to be a great fight and I have some news for you. Word came from the candy store a little while ago about your fight and they knocked the odds down to 500 to 1."

Ralph: "You mean that they are betting 500 to 1 that I lose."

Ed: "No. They are betting 500 to 1 that you don't even show up."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking this set over my dead body."

Ed: "i couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "How could I waddle like a duck?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"Operation: Protset":

(Clifford makes the peace sign to Ralph.)

Cliff: "Peace."

Ralph (grabbing one of the fingers): "Alice, grab the other one and make a wish."

Frank Gannucci

04-17-2010, 07:44 AM

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Alice: "There's an old wives' tale Ralph. 'A man works from sun-to-sun but a woman's work is never done.'"

Ralph: "Good gosh!"

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph & Ed are thinking of what to name their dog food. Mr. Marshall will be one of the first people to taste it.)

Ed: "How about Kramden's Delicious Marshall."

Ralph: "What kind of stuff is Marshall?"

Ed: "Well, we don't know what this stuff is. You might as well call it Marshall."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph. You are my husband."

Ralph: "No, I am your brother."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Trixie: "I don't know how Ed can become unconscious so fast."

Ralph: "He has got a pretty good head start."

"Songs & Witty Sayings Part 1":

Alice: "Molly wally unga."

Ralph: "What does that mean?"

Alice: "That is Hawaiian for: 'Ahh, shut up.'"

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Do you know what a manager and a trainer get of the purse? A third. Do you know what a boxer can get? $300,000 to $400,000 a fight."

Ed: "A strong kid like that can fight five or six times a week."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

(Ralph is trying to do an aptitude test.)

Ed: "A five-year-old can do this."

Ralph: "Don't worry. I'll do it."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

(The doctor gives Ralph a word association test.)

Doctor: "Man."

Ralph: "Woman."

Doctor: "House."

Ralph: "Furniture."

Doctor: "Dog."

Ralph: "Cat."

Doctor: "Bus."

Ralph: "Those dirty rotten passengers."

"Hero Part 1":

Tommy: "He (Mr. Kramden) was a a great end in football."

Ed: "Great? Probably the biggest end in the business."

Frank Gannucci

04-19-2010, 07:31 AM

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "You know that I got to have the money! You know that all the members down there are my pals, my buddies, my friends - They'll throw me out if I don't pay my dues! Alice, don't start! I got to have the money! Please Alice, do you know how embarrassing it would be to be thrown out of the Raccoon Lodge?

Alice: "Yea, it's pretty embarrassing just being in it."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

(Ralph is planning to sue the Gotham Bus Company for $75,000 because he broke his leg on the bus.)

Ralph: "Pardon me Mrs. Know-it-all. Ed talked to my lawyer this morning and he says that I have a perfect case."

Alice (sarcastically): "Great. While I am out, I will get a new mink coat."

(She leaves.)

Ed: "Did you two have a fight?"

Ralph: "She is just jealous because I have the broken leg."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph & Ed bring the Great Fatchoomara to the Kramden apartment to hypnotize Alice. Trixie is there at first.)

Ed: "Trixie, would you mind going upstairs so you can put some steak on that black eye?"

Trixie: "What black eye?"

Ed: "The one that you are going to get if you don't go upstairs and put a steak on it."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ed: "I watch your show. It's very educational."

Bud Collyer (as himself): "Educational?"

Ed: "Yeah, it's a wonder what you could do with whipped cream on this show."

"Lawsuit":

Ralph: "I have to put some weight on my broken leg."

Ed: "You're just the boy that could do it."

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Ralph: "Alice, do you know what you did? You are the first woman in history to interrupt the Raccoon song."

Alice: "Well Scotty-Watty-Do-Dah-Day."

Ralph: "Just for that remark, you will not be allowed into the Raccoon Lodge Ladies Auxillary."

Alice: "From this blow, I may never recover."

"King of The Castle":

(Ralph is trying to give Alice the syphony routine. He claims that he is in pain.)

Ralph: "It's my stomach."

Alice (looking at his stomach): "Gee, that is a big problem."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "You are the type of person that would bend way over to pick up a pocket book on April Fool's Day. I wouldn't."

Alice: "You couldn't."

Frank Gannucci

04-20-2010, 07:30 AM

(ALN):

(AmericanLife also has an OnDemand Service. This show might be one of the shows to watch.)

TV-G

All times are Eastern.

All color episodes are one hour.

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Shelia MacRae as Alice Kramden. Jean Kean as Trixie Norton.

Fri. Apr. 23, 2010 10a #26 (aka #179) – “The Main Event”: Boxer "Dynamite" Moran is living with the Kramdens and Ralph is his new promoter. His first knockout, strictly unofficial and off the record, is staged for the benefit of the manager of heavyweight contender "Killer" Cuoco. The scheme works until Norton accidentally decks Dynamite. Undaunted, Ralph vows to stay in the fig ht game. Only this time, he will train Norton for the ring.

5p & Sun. Apr. 25, 2010 3a #4 (aka #157) - "Confusion Italian Style": Ralph is jealous of Alice's guide, not knowing the guide is a little boy.

Sat. Apr. 24, 2010 2a #46 (aka #199) – “The Match Game”: Frances Langford plays the brain behind a computer-match service, as the Honeymooners breeze into the Windy City. Computer-wise, the Norton's match really clicks -- but Cupid somehow missed with the Kramdens! Who's at fault, man or machine?

Mon. Apr. 26, 2010 2a #49 (aka #202) – “We’re Off To See The Wizard”: The Honeymooners' Mardi Gras celebration turns typically topsy-turvy. A hotel mix-up leads the foursome to Emma (Doro Merande), Norton's very-distant relative. Emma, a phony spiritualist, takes them in -- then in a séance tries to take Ralph in again.

3a #50 (aka #203) – “Operation Protest”: Ralph gets his big break when he becomes public-relations director for his bus company. But joy may be short-lived: guess which bus company Alice's protester-nephew is picketing.

Fri. April 30, 2010 10a #27 (aka #180) – “To Whomever It May Concern”: Ralph, told to turn in his bus driver's uniform, dashes off a scathing letter to his boss, only to realize he was not being fired but promoted to traffic manager. He retrieves the letter, and then mails it again by mistake. His boss receives the letter, but has no one to blame, since it is unsigned. Then Norton stops by the boss' office to plead for another chance for his pal...and Ralph's professional aspirations take another nose dive.

5p #5 (aka #158) - "The Curse of the Kramdens": Ralph & Ed have to spend the night in the ancestral Kramden castle, which has its very own ghost.

Sat. May 1, 2010 2a #45 (aka #198) – “The Sun & Raccoon Capital”: The end of the harmonious Honeymooners quartet may be near. At the Miami convention of the Raccoons, it's election time. Opponents for the office of High Exalted Mystic Ruler? Ralph and Norton!

3p #6 (aka #159) – “The Mod Couple” (aka "The Honeymooners in England"): The Kramdens & Nortons appear in a Flakey Wakey commercial on an English TV show. Ralph makes a fool of himself and Ed accidentally overturns a piano. The Kramdens flee London in shame but are invited back because the audience loved the commercial.

Mon. May 3, 2010 2a #7 (aka #160) - "You're in the Picture":* Blackmailers fake a hanky-panky photo of Ralph in Madrid, and for once, Alice is jealous.

3a #8 (aka #161) - "We Spy": Ralph and Ed wander onto a Russian firing range while visiting Germany and are mistaken for spies.

(FamilyNet)

This channel now airs The Color Honeymooners.

Fri. Apr. 23, 2010 5p #9 (aka #162) - "Petticoat Jungle": The Kramdens & Nortons go on a safari. The men go hunting -- Ralph kills a rabbit, Ed kills an elephant.

Fri. April 30, 2010 5p “No episode title” - Ralph Kramdens schemes to improve his lot in life.

Note: Even though it says “No episode title”, I have a feeling that FamilyNet will air either one of the following episodes:

#10 (aka #163) – “Run Santa Run”: Ralph doesn't know that Alice has taken in knitting to pay for his Christmas present, so when he discovers baby things in the apartment he assumes Alice is pregnant. He takes on a job as a sidewalk Santa with Norton as his helper. They are both arrested as operatives in a bookmaking operation.

#11 (aka #164) - "King of the Castle": Back from Europe, Ralph advises Ed to stand up to Trixie -- and suddenly, Alice moves in with Trixie and Ed is living with Ralph.

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

Mon. Apr. 26, 2010 1a #002 (aka #093) - "Funny Money": Ralph finds a suitcase filled with money, enough, Norton says, to "keep him in pizza for the rest of his life." There's one slight problem: the money is counterfeit, and the gangsters who printed it want it back. Alice's Mother: Ethel Owen. Boss: Boris Aplon. Ziggy: Frank Marth.

1:30a (CC) #55 (aka #83) - *“The Adoption”: Ralph and Alice decide to adopt a baby, but first they have to pass inspection at the adoption agency.

Mon. May 3, 2010 1a #003 (aka #094) - "The Golfer": Hello, ball! That memorable salutation---delivered by Norton (Art Carney) as he shows the proper way to "address the ball"---has made "The Golfer" (first aired on Oct. 15, 1955) a favorite in the series canon. Ralph's trying to impress his boss by offering to join him in a foursome. Problem is, Ralph's never picked up a club in his life and learning to play in two days, he concedes, won't be easy---"It'd take me at least a week." That doesn't stop him from turning his kitchen into a fairway, using a pin cushion as a ball and, unforgettably, getting into the mood by donning an outlandish golfing outfit that is, to quote Norton, "dee-vine." DON'T MISS – Ed addressing the ball. (

1:30a #004 (aka #095) - "A Woman's Work Is Never Done": Tired of Ralph's complaints about household chores not being done, Alice convinces him to hire a maid. But the new domestic is rapidly getting fed up taking orders from Norton and Ralph, or as she calls them, "the simp and the blimp." Thelma: Betty Garde. Wilson: Frank Marth.

*: This episode has been edited HEAVILY.

Credit goes to zap2it.com, the old honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & John K's Book To The Moon.

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Doctors can be wrong too you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy, did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "I am the General. What I say goes."

Alice: "Then you better say Alice because I am going."

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Ralph comes home to a candlelit dinner.)

Alice: "Hello Ralph!"

Ralph: "So you forgot to pay the electric bill, huh?"

"Hero Part 1":

Mrs Halloway: "'He also says that if anybody says anything bad about you, he is willing to fight them."

Ed: "That kid is going to have a lot of fighting to do."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE NOT GOING!"

Alice (yells): "I AM GOING!"

Ralph: "The only place that you are going to is the moon."

"Move Uptown":

Mrs. Winters: "Do you and your wife have any wild parties?"

Ralph: "No."

Ed: "He hasn't even taken his wife out in the last five years."

"We Spy":

Ralph: "In a foreign country, you got to live like a native."

Alice: "In Brooklyn, I live like a native."

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (to Ralph): "How now brown bovine."

Alice: That is a new word he just learned."

Ralph: "Now, he knows three of them."

"Two For The Money":

(Ed & Ralph, who have probably been drinking beer, dance to music that is coming from Dehnny's Bar's jukebox at 3am. The owner unplugs it.)

Restaurant Owner: "Do you want me to lose my license?"

Ed: "Don't worry. We will drive you home."

Frank Gannucci

04-21-2010, 07:26 AM

"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "Today, I'm fired. Tomorrow, I'm forgotten. They probably won't evcn know what I look like."

Ed: "That's okay. Tomorrow, you go down there and apply for another job."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Ralph: "I got a toothache. Why do you think I have this thing (a towel wrapped around his head) for?"

Ed: "I thought that you were going to be a bunny rabbit on that TV show tomorrow."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Alice: "50% of that toothache is here (mouth). The other 50% is here (head)."

Ralph: "For your information, 100% of it is here (mouth). There is nothing up there (head)."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "I didn't tkae out your garbage because it was half-full. When it's full-full, then I will tkae it down. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here - save a trip there. It all mounts up."

Ed: "That is what I am afraid of. It's mounting up all over the building."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "That does it Norton. In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Doctors can be wrong too you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."

"A Man's Pride":

(Ralph is trying to impress Bill Davis by thinking that he has a very good and important job.)

Bill Davis: "What business are you in?"

Ralph: "Transportation business."

Bill Davis: "What do you do?"

Ralph: "Oh, I run things."

Bill Davis: "You run things?"

Ed: "Yeah, every day he is in the driver's seat."

"Confusion, Italian Style":

(The Kramdens & Norton arrive in a VERY small car.)

Man: "These italian cars aren't exactly very big."

Ralph: "You're telling me. When I first saw this, I thought that it was a cigarette lighter."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "I watched you tonight. Four pork chops. Four pork chops."

Ed: "What are you complaining about? You had six."

Ralph: "What, are you counting?"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Alice's Mom: "Hello Ralph."

Ralph: "How did you know that it was me?"

Alice's Mom: "I can feel the floor sag."

Frank Gannucci

04-22-2010, 07:25 AM

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "I know how to throw my weight around."

Alice: "If you knew how to throw it around, you wouldn't leave it where it is."

"A Promotion Part 1":

(The apartment building is freezing and it is freezing outside.)

Ralph: "Where is the landlord?"

Man: "Florida."

Ralph: "Florida?"

Man: "He can't stand this cold weather."

"The Main Event":

(Ralph just became Dynamite's manager.)

Ralph: "This is a historical spot. Right here they are going to have a sign. Do you know what it is going to say?"

Ed: "Yeah: 'Cigarette machine is out of order.'"

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

(Ralph & Alice are on Beat The Clock.)

Bud Collyer (as himself): "Wave to your mother."

Ralph (waving): "Hi Mom!"

Bud: "Wouldn't your mother feel good now she saw you do that?"

Ralph: "I don't think so. She doesn't have a TV set."

"Hello Mom":

Ed: "What's a five-letter word for fat?"

Alice: "Ralph."

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph just found out that it was Ed who wrote the note.)

Mrs. Patterson: "Notice the open o's."

Ralph: "Open O's? I will open his head."

"Boy Next Door":

Mrs. Paterson: "He spells beauty. B-u-t-e-y."

Ed: "That is the way I spell it."

Mrs. Paterson: "It's b-e-a-u-t-y."

Ralph: "Why did you tell him? Why didn't you let him wallow in his own ignorance?"

"Young At Heart":

(Ralph comes out in his crazy attire.)

Ralph: "How about it? What do you think?"

Ed: "Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just give me time to drink this whole think in. It's like looking at Boulder Dam for the first time."

"The Sleepwalker":

(Ralph is trying to get Ed who's sleepwalking on top of the another
building. Ed is eating a banana and drops the peel.)

Ralph (yells): "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Alice: "He slipped."

Trixie: "Ed slipped?"

Alice: "No Ralph did. He slipped on a banana peel."

Frank Gannucci

04-23-2010, 07:24 AM

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Your garbage can was half full. When it's full-full, then I will take it down. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here - save a trip there and it all mounts up."

Ed: "That is what I am afraid of. It's mounting up all over the building."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(The house phone is ringing.)

Ralph: "I'm not answering it. I'm not answering it. Let ir ring, ring, ring because I'm not answering it."

Alice: "But they are playing your song."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "Norton, I don't want to lose her."

(Ralph leaves. Ed sits down and starts to eat Ralph's dinner.)

Ed: "Gee, I hope he doesn't lose her too. She is such a good cook."

"The Next Champ":

(Ed accidently causes Ralph to miss his shot in pool. Ralph is angry. He hits Ed's foot with his pool cue.)

Ed: "Ow!"

(Ed hits Ralph's foot with his pool cue.)

Ralph (yells): "OW!"

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph (yells): "I'M NOT MISSING THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

Alice (yells): "YOU TRY TO WALK OUT OF THAT DOOR AND YOU WILL BE IN
THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "At least my relatives don't drop in here unexpected."

Alice: "No, they come as steady as clockwork three times a week."

"We Spy":

Ralph: "We are in a foregin country and in a foreign country, you got to live like a native.

Alice: "Ralph, in Brooklyn I live like a native."

"Six Months To Live":

Telegram Man: "I was instructed to give this letter to Mrs. Kramden."

Ralph (taking the letter): "I'm Mister Kramden."

(The telegram man holds out his hand, expecting a tip.)

Ralph: "Your hand is very dirty."

"To Whom It May Concern":

(Ralph says what he wants Ed to say in a letter to his boss.)

Ralph: "'You dirty bum!'"

Ed: "Don't you think that that is a little rough for a starter?"

Ralph: "Maybe your right. "Dear Mr. Marshall:...'"

Ed: "That's better."

Ralph: "'...You dirty bum!'"

Frank Gannucci

04-24-2010, 06:49 PM

Frank Gannucci

04-25-2010, 07:10 AM

"Two-Family Car":

Ralph: "All right. You will have the car Monday-Friday. I will have the car on the weekends."

Ed: "Wait a minute. I work those days. You take the car five days and let me take the car two days."

Ralph: "Okay, your days are Wednesday and Thursday."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I don't remember the song I used to play on this cornette. I got the music right here."

(Ralph plays the cornette. No sound is heard.)

Alice: "Not so loud Ralph. You will disturb the neighbors."

"Young Man With A Horn":

(Ralph has been playing the cornete badly.)

Ralph: "Norton, would you mind taking these clothes upstairs to put on the clothesline?"

Ed: "Are you going to play the cornette?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Ed (taking the clothes): "I will be very happy too."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ed helps Ralph rehearse. Ralph is in the bedroom waiting to get out.)

Ed (reading the script): "Hello there!" (not reading): "Testing. Testing 1-2-3-4. Testing. Woof! Woof! Testing."

Ralph (opening the door): "Let's get going."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Conductor: "Gentlemen, what seems to be the trouble?"

Ralph: "What seems to be the trouble? I'll tell you what the trouble is. First, he makes his and my wife miss the train because he can't keep an eye on them. Then, he comes in here and puts handcuffs on my wrists. That isn't enough. I ask him does he want a drink of water, no. I ask him if he wants something to eat, no. He doesn't want anything until he gets up there and says that he wants a match. Then on top of everything, I have to be handcuffed to this idiot all the way to Minneapolis."

Conductor: "Minneapolis? Gentlemen, this train isn't going to Minneapolis. We are going in the other direction to Norfolk, Virginia."

"Six Months To Live" (Color):

Telegram Man: "I was instructed to give this letter to Mrs. Kramden."

Ralph (taking the letter): "I'm Mister Kramden."

(The telegram man holds out his hand, expecting a tip.)

Ralph: "Your hand is very dirty."

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

Ralph: "Norton, I must be nuts to go out every night when I have a darling wife at home."

Ed: "At least I got a good excuse."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "I don't mind if he eats like a garbage disposal, I just don't want him to sound like one."

Alice: "He has false teeth."

Ralph: "I know why. He wore out his real ones eating."

“Without Reservations”:

Ralph: "Your brother Stanley isn't coming. Stanley is a moocher, a chisler, and a bum!"

Alice: "What did you say?"

Ralph: "I said that he is a bum. Capital B-capital-u-capital-um. Bum."

Frank Gannucci

04-26-2010, 07:22 AM

Frank Gannucci

04-26-2010, 08:01 PM

I just found out that Famnet will run these episodes on the follwing dates.

All times are Eastern.

Fri. April 30, 2010 5p #6 (aka #159) – "The Mod Couple" (aka "The Honeymooners in England"): The Kramdens & Nortons appear in a Flakey Wakey commercial on an English TV show. Ralph makes a fool of himself and Ed accidentally overturns a piano. The Kramdens flee London in shame but are invited back because the audience loved the commercial.

Fri. May 7, 2010 5p #10 (aka #163) – "Run Santa Run": Ralph doesn't know that Alice has taken in knitting to pay for his Christmas present, so when he
discovers baby things in the apartment he assumes Alice is pregnant. He takes on a job as a sidewalk Santa with Norton as his helper. They are both arrested as operatives in a bookmaking operation.

Frank Gannucci

04-27-2010, 07:25 AM

Frank Gannucci

04-28-2010, 08:16 AM

"A Matter of Life & Death":

(Alice laughs at Ralph's "Death letter.")

Alice: "This is a riot."

Ralph: "This is a riot. We will see how much of a riot it is when you have to finish the payments on the ice box."

"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "I am going to count to 10 and when I do, I am going to belt you."

Ed: "I am not scared of you. If you could count to 10, you wouldn't be investigated by the IRS."

Ralph (yells): "OUT!"

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "Loans are a bank's lifeblood."

Ralph: "Good because we are in desperate need of a transfusion."

"Mexican Hat Trick":

Ralph: "Well Norton, do I look like a gay Cabrello?"

Ed: "Let me see you walk."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Trixie was down here and she said that she saw you on the show."

Ralph: "She was? Well, what did she say?"

Alice: "Well, she said that she was the biggest thing on TV."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I know New York from top to bottom."

Ed: "I have been working in the sewer for years. I know New York from bottom to top."

“Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I'll get the $300 Alice. I'll get it if I have to sell everything in this house."

Alice: "Fine. But, what are you going to do about the other $280?"

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph is looking for a paper with his social security # on it.)

Ralph: "I think I found it. Here it is: 56-68-73."

Alice: "Those are the measurements for that new suit you bought."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph (to Alice): "By the way cupcake..."

Ed: "Yes Ralph."

Ralph: "She is cupcake. You're fruitcake."

Frank Gannucci

04-29-2010, 07:23 AM

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "Ed, you didn't get the job of sewer inspector."

Ed: "No, I washed out."

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that is strong enough to do that."

"Young At Heart":

(Ralph has just said that he has a lot of memories that is attached to his cornette.)

Ralph: "What is a sock doing in my cornette?"

Alice: "It must be one of those tnder memories that is attached to it."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "Face it Alice. You are living off the fat of the land."

Alice: "Face it Ralph. You ARE the fat of the land."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "I have an itch."

Alice: "Scratch it yourself."

Ralph: "I can't reach it."

Alice: "Well, you are Taurus the Bull. Swipe at it with your tail."

"Double Trouble":

Alice: "There are two Ralphs."

Ed: "You mean that all the weight Ralph lost last year made another Ralph?"

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "I'm a failure."

Ed: "I could have told you that ten years ago."

"Checkup":

Ed: "Has there been anything you wanted to look inside that didn't belong to you?"

Ralph: "Yes. Your head."

"You're In The Picture":

Ed: "Did you really cut yourself shaving?"

Ralph: "Of course not."

Ed: "Oh, you dog you. You have been eating pizza again."

Frank Gannucci

04-30-2010, 07:21 AM

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "How can you be so icky?"

Ralph: "Icky?"

Alice: "You are a termite Ralph. Strickly out of the wood."

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "What does 'icky' mean?"

Ed: "I don't know. Why?"

Ralph: "Alice just said that I was icky."

Ed: "Must mean fat."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is all the janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be hard with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and tell him off good."

Alice: "I was waiting for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I'm home. So go down and tell him off."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ed: "Why don't you take Stanley and Sally to your apartment to see how you and Alice get along?"

Ralph: "I want to postpone the wedding. Not cancel it forever."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "My mistake was not going to a wedding the day I got married."

Alice: "What did you say? What did you say?"

Ralph: "I don't chew my cabbage twice."

"Poor People of Paris":

Ralph: "If I were you, I wouldn't go out in May."

Ed: "Why?"

Ralph: "Because that is when they gather nuts."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows you what you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(It's Alice's birthday and Ralph has forgotten it.)

Alice: "Ralph, you do remember what today is?"

Ralph: "Sure, it's my pool night."

Alice's Mom: "See? He's good for nothing."

Ralph: "How do you know? You never saw me shoot pool."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Maybe your sisters have it better than we have. But, I have more expenses. I got more expenses than all of them put together."

Alice: "Sure Ralph, they don't get suits for their husbands from The Fat Man's Shop."

Frank Gannucci

05-01-2010, 07:32 AM

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I cut out bowling? It's my only relaxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need anything to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up."

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "As time wore on, I grew older. I matured."

Ralph: "Yeah, now you are a full-grown nut."

"Hero Part 1":

Alice: "Let me ask you something Ralph. WHen was the last time you ever lifted 400 pounds?"

Ed: "This morning when he got out of bed."

"Expectant Father":

Ed: "My little kid grow up from a little guy. Education: Grammer school, high school, then on to college. When he gets out of college and is ready to face the world, I will get him a job with me in the sewer."

Ralph: "When your son graduates from college, you are going to get him a job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Certainly. The sewer accepts college grads."

"Double Anniversary":

Ralph: "Something smells good."

Ed: "It can't be me. I just got through working in the sewer."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Reluctantly, Ralph let the stage manager put lipstick on him so that it will make him look better on the Mike Douglas Show. While the Kramdens & Nortons are on the show, Ralph kisses Alice.)

Alice: "Ralph, are you wearing lipstick?"

Ralph: "Shut up!"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "Can you take a hint?"

Ed: "Yes."

Ralph: "All right. I hate you." (yells): "HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! NOW, GET OUT."

Ed: "All right. What's the hint?"

"Hello Mom":

Ralph: "What are you doing with all of that material? Making a bedspread?"

Alice: "No, I'm taking your pants out again."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

Ralph: "I am trying to put some weight on my broken leg."

Ed: "You are just the boy that could do it."

Frank Gannucci

05-02-2010, 06:38 AM

Frank Gannucci

05-03-2010, 07:20 AM

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "I got news for you Alice. Your husband is crazy."

Alice: "Okay. So what's the big news?"

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you realize that at the annual clambake I have the honor of opening the first clam! And as we take our cruise up the Hudson River I get to go up to the bridge and steer - as we pass Raccoon Point."

Alice: "Well golly gee!"

"Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Doctor: "I notice that you have a slight limp. Is that disability permanent?"

Ralph: "No, it isn't. I got it this morning. I hit myself with a hammer."

Doctor: "You hit yourself with a hammer?"

Ralph: "Don't get the wrong idea. Ed hit my leg with the hammer."

"A Dog's Life":

Ralph: "Gee, I remember when I used to weigh 165. Did you see me when I weighed 165?"

Ed: "No Ralph. I never did see your baby pictures."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: "For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a battle was lost. For one of a battle, a war was lost. For one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost."

Alice: "Yeah? Why don't you get lost?"

"Lost Baby":

(Ralph found a "baby" on his bus.)

Ed: "I still say that baby is John Wadamaker's (sp?) baby."

Ralph: "Are you crazy? John is a millionaire."

Ed: "You're right. If he was that rich, he would have left that baby in a taxi."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Here's on bottle. H2O."

Ralph: "H2O. Oh, that is pronounced ho."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ed puts a lit match near the thermometer.)

Ed: 'Hey Ralph, what is a normal temperature, around 98 isn't it?"

Ralph: "98.6."

Ed: "What would you say a bad temperature is?"

Ralph: "102. 103. What is it Norton? What is my temperature?"

(A pause.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT IS MY TEMPERATURE NORTON?"

Ed (starting to cry, yells): "111."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph & Ed (singing loudly): "WELL, STROLLING THROUGH THE PARK ONE DAY IN THE MERRY, MERRY MONTH OF MAY. I WAS TAKEN BY SURPRISE BY A PAIR OF RUGGISH EYES..."

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "WILL YOU TWO KEEP IT QUIET DOWN THERE? I'M TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP."

Ralph: "That's that wise guy Garrity."

(Ralph goes to the window and opens it.)

Ralph (yells): "AREN'T YOU HOME EARLY GARRITY? WHAT HAPPENED, DID THE SALOON BURN DOWN?"

Frank Gannucci

05-04-2010, 07:24 AM

(ALN):

(AmericanLife also has an OnDemand Service. This show might be one of the shows to watch.)

TV-G

All times are Eastern.

All color episodes are one hour.

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Shelia MacRae as Alice Kramden. Jean Kean as Trixie Norton.

Fri. May 7, 2010 10a #13 (aka #166) – “Without Reservations”: Ralph's brother-in-law Stanley persuades Ralph and Ed into buying a strategically located hotel along the route of a proposed highway. The highway ends up bypassing the hotel, putting Ralph and Ed out of business but money in Stanley's pocket since he's a construction worker on the new highway.

5p #50 (aka #203) – “Operation Protest”: Ralph gets his big break when he becomes public-relations director for his bus company. But joy may be short-lived: guess which bus company Alice's protester-nephew is picketing.

Sat. May 8, 2010 2a #1 (aka #154) - "In Twenty-Five Words or Less": Ralph wins the Flakey Wakey trip to Europe for four by entering a slogan contest.

Sun. May 9, 3a & Mon. May 10, 2010 2a #8 (aka #161) - "We Spy": Ralph and Ed wander onto a Russian firing range while visiting Germany and are mistaken for spies.

Mon. May 10 3a & Mon. May 17, 2010 2a #9 (aka #162) - "Petticoat Jungle": The Kramdens & Nortons go on a safari. The men go hunting -- Ralph kills a rabbit, Ed kills an elephant.

Fri. May 14, 2010 10a #14 (aka #167) – “Life Upon The Wicked Stage”: Ralph pairs up with Ed and Alice pairs up with Trixie to enter a talent contest. Alice and Trixie win first place and Alice uses her winnings to buy Ralph the expensive fishing gear he's had his eyes on.

5p #49 (aka #202) – “We’re Off To See The Wizard”: The Honeymooners' Mardi Gras celebration turns typically topsy-turvy. A hotel mix-up leads the foursome to Emma (Doro Merande), Norton's very-distant relative. Emma, a phony spiritualist, takes them in -- then in a séance tries to take Ralph in again.

Sat. May 15, 2010 2a #2 (aka #155) - "Ship of Fools": The Kramdens and Nortons sail to Europe. Ralph and Ed set themselves adrift on a life boat but are rescued some time later. Upon arriving in Paris, Ralph poses for a publicity photo and falls off the deck.

Sun. May 16, 2010 3a (also Fri. May 7, 2010 5p on FamilyNet) #10 (aka #163) – “Run Santa Run”: Ralph doesn't know that Alice has taken in knitting to pay for his Christmas present, so when he discovers baby things in the apartment he assumes Alice is pregnant. He takes on a job as a sidewalk Santa with Norton as his helper. They are both arrested as operatives in a bookmaking operation.

Mon. May 17, 2010 3a (also Fri. May 14, 2010 5p on FamilyNet) #11 (aka #164) - "King of the Castle": Back from Europe, Ralph advises Ed to stand up to Trixie -- and suddenly, Alice moves in with Trixie and Ed is living with Ralph.

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

Mon. May 10, 2010 1a #027 (aka #118) - “Ralph’s Big Mouth” (aka "Head of The House"): In the hilarious "Head of the House" (originally telecast March 31, 1956), Ralph marks his "emancipation" as king of his castle by sitting down with Norton to finish a bottle of wine that is "a little strong but good." Their first toast, Ralph says, is "to my wife, who has finally found her place." Actually, what Alice found was a bottle of grape juice, which she substituted for the wine. When the men get plastered and pass out, Trixie and Alice pour their own drinks and make their own toasts. "I give you our husbands," says Trixie. "You can have 'em," says Alice. The wine-and-grape-juice scene, Art Carney recalled, was one of his favorites. "We really were laughing at each other...because we were supposed to be laughing...crocked and everything. Funny scene."

1:30a #037 (aka #125) - "The Safety Award": Ralph is honored with an award for being "the safest bus driver in the city" and plans to take Alice and the Nortons to the ceremony at City Hall. But his big day is plagued with problems, culminating with Ralph having an accident in his friend's car. Ever the optimist, Norton offers a distressed Ralph some sewer-worker words of wisdom: "When the tides of life turn against you, and the current upsets your boat, don't waste those tears on what might have been, just lay on your back and float." Mr. Martin: Frank Marth.

Mon. May 17, 2010 1a #014 (aka #105) - "The Man From Space": Intending to take home first prize at the Raccoon Lodge's costume ball, Ralph---unable to wangle a loan from Norton---puts together his own costume and dubs himself "The Man From Space" in a memorable episode that was originally telecast Dec. 31, 1955. Angry with Norton (who's going as the Frenchman who "built the sewers of Paris") and obsessed with winning, Ralph appropriates an assortment of household items---including a faucet, a pot, a radio tube and the icebox door---to create a costume that will, he says, make Norton's rented outfit look like "a piece of French cheesecloth." The episode contains a classic example of Jackie Gleason's gift for ad-libbing when, unexpectedly; a piece of Ralph's costume falls off. "Let me have that," he improvises to Alice. "That's my denaturizer."

1:30a #026 (aka #117) - "Young Man With A Horn": The discovery of his old cornet and an unexpected visit by a self-made millionaire prompt Ralph to wonder why he hasn't achieved more success and hit the "high note" in his life. As a result, he decides to make a list of his good points and do something to correct his bad ones.

Credit goes to zap2it.com, the old honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & John K's Book To The Moon.

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "Throw a punch at me and I will duck."

(Ed throws a punch and hits Ralph.)

Ed: "Hey, that's some ducking Ralph. I can never hit you the second time."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Alice: "Ed, you didn't get the job of sewer inspector?"

Ed: "No. I washed out."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ed: "Hey, what kind of peanut butter is that? Is that the crunchy kind?"

Ralph: "Yes, it is the crunchy kind and I can prove it to you. When this jar hits your head, you will hear a crunch."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I can say that by listening to that motor there that the amateor sprocket is causing interference which in turn causes the combustion line to interfere with the flow in the dynaflow."

Ralph: "Now, what does that mean?"

Ed: "I don't know."

"Move Uptown":

Ed: "I want to drink you a farewell toast."

Ralph: "You know that is awafully nice of you Norton. I would like to have a toast with you."

Ed: "Good. Got any wine around the house?"

"What's The Name" & "What's Her Name":

Ralph: "Name the stars we saw in that picture tonight."

Ed: "Gary Coleman, Lana Turner..."

Ralph: "Keep going."

Ed: "You keep going. I am still thinking of Lana."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(Mr. Marshall's daughter is getting married.)

Ralph: "When he realizes who idea it was to make the collection to get a gift, who do you think is going to get the promotion?"

Ed: "The guy who she is marrying, who else?"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Alice's Mom: "Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!"

Ralph: "Crow! Crow! Crow!"

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Jackie Gleason is down at that Fun & Sun Capital of the World."

Ed: "What is he doing down at Perth Amboy?"

Frank Gannucci

05-05-2010, 07:14 AM

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "You are the type that would bend way over and pick up a pocketbook on April Fool's Day. I wouldn't."

Alice: "You couldn't."

"Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "You don't think I'm crazy."

(Ralph sits down and hits his knee with a hammer. He thinks that his leg that has the knee cap that he hit should go up.)

Ralph: "That proves that I am crazy."

Alice: "It sure does."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The Great Fatchoomara is about to hypnotize Alice so Alice can reveal where she hid the money that Ralph is planning to use on the Raccoon convention.)

Ralph (to the G.F.): "You might think that this is a little underhanded. But, all's fair in love and war."

Ed: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "You know, I don't have the greatest education in the world. I only went to the 6th grade. I should have continued on. I should have went to high school and thru college. That wouldn't have done any good. That would have made things worse."

Alice: "What do you mean?"

Ralph: "How do you think I would feel as a college graduate being fired from a bus company?"

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that is strong enough to do that."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "Do you care if I waste away?"

Alice: "Sure I do Ralph. But you wouldn't waste away if you stayed awake for nine years."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph (yells): "I AM NOT MISSING THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

Alice (yells): "LISTEN. YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR AND YOU WILL BE IN THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "You are going to say: `Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts.'"

Ralph: "Don't worry."

(The butler comes in and Ralph thinks it is Uncle Howard.)

Ralph: "Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts."

"Sun & Fun & The Raccoon Capital":

(Ralph is trying to get into his uniform. His pants are too big. In the storyline, [and Jackie in real life, of course] he lost weight.)

Ralph: "If I go out in these, I will be a laughing stock."

Ed: "If you don't, you will get a few laughs too."

Frank Gannucci

05-06-2010, 11:21 AM

(Ralph & Ed are at the Kramden apartment.)

Ed: "Hey Ralph, you know we got that Met game on Sunday that we can get tickets th the door of the stadium for. Sunday is Mother's Day. What are we going to do?"

Ralph: "We will put our feet down. We are going to that game Norton. Even though, me & Alice got a telegram from her mother & father saying that she is going to stay here on Sunday, I will put my foot down. I am not staying under the same roof with that woman. She is just a noisy blabbermouth."

Ed: "I wish you luck Ralph. I am going to tell Trixie the same thing. I am going to the Met game tomorrow. Bye."

Ralph: "Bye."

(Ed leaves.)

(Alice comes home.)

Alice: "Ralph, we better get ready for tomorrow. My mother is coming."

Ralph: "Well, I won't be here tomorrow Alice. I got some important business to attend to as far as my job goes."

Alice: "What do you mean Ralph? The Bus Company is closed on Sunday. You weren't thinking of going to that Met game right?"

Ralph: "I most certainly am. I am not going to stay under the same roof with that noisy, blabbermouth of a mother of yours."

Alice: "You are too Ralph. My mother is expecting you."

Ralph: "I don't care. I am going to the game."

Alice: "You are staying here."

Ralph (yells): "I AM GOING TO THE GAME."

Alice (yells): "YOU ARE STAYING HERE."

Ralph (yells): "I AM GOING TO THE GAME."

Alice (yells): "YOU ARE GOING TO THE GAME."

Ralph (yells): "I AM STAYING HERE...I AM GOING TO THE GAME. I AM GOING TO THE GAME WITH NORTON. HE IS UPSTAIRS TELLING TRIXIE THAT HE WON'T STAY BECAUSE HER MOM IS COMING."

Ed (from upstairs, yells): "PUT DOWN THAT SOUPBOWL TRIXIE."

(A loud crash is heard.)

Ed (from upstairs, yells): "YOU COULD HAVE TAKEN THE LIQUID OUT FIRST. NOW OUR WALL IS STAINED."

Alice: "That shows you Ralph."

Ralph: "I am going Alice whether you like it or not. I am staying here over my dead body."

Alice: "By the looks of yoru body, you may die any minute."

Ralph (yells): "OOOOOOOOOOOOOH! BANG! ZOOM!"

(A knock on door is heard.)

Ralph: "Come in."

(Ralph's parents come in.)

Ralph's Mom: "Sunny boy!"

Ralph: "Mom. Mom."

Ralph's Dad: "Did you get our telegram?"

Alice: "It says that you were arriving on Sunday."

Ralph's Dad: "That was a mistake. I'm sorry. My wife made the mistake."

Ralph: "It's good to have you here for Mother's Day."

Ralph's Mom: "Let's go dear in the bedroom to unpack."

(Ralph's parents leave the area.)

Ralph: "I'm sorry sweetheart. I lost my temper. If your mother wanted to come and she was expecting me, I would stay. I'm sorry sweetheart."

Alice: "I forgive you Ralph."

Ralph: "Baby, you're the greatest."

(They hug and kiss.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers."

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "The Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience cheers loudly.)

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I would like my coffee with one lump."

(Ed rings the bell.)

Thelma: "You keep ringing that bell and you will get one lump."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is that no-good janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be tough with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and you have to tell him off good."

Alice: "I was witing for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I am home. So, go down there and tell him off."

"You're In The Picture":

(Ralph is dressed as a matador while Ed has bulls horns. Ed is warming up.)

Ralph (yells): "COME ON!"

Ed (yells): "I'M WARMING UP IN THE BULLPEN!"

(Ed charges like a bull and misses Ralph. Ed then decides to stick the horns in Ralph's backside.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHH!"

"Sees All, Knows All":

(The fortune teller is looking in her crystal ball.)

Fortune Teller: "It is cloudy. It is cloudy."

Ed: "Ralph, who do you know named Cloudy?"

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Ed (bringing in the cot): "Hi folks! I hope I didn't disturb your sleep."

Ralph: "No, you didn't. I get up every morningat 3am. That way, I can get a seat on the subway going to work."

"Pal O' Mine":

(Ed just showed the ring that he is going to give to his boss, Jim McKeever.)

Alice: "Why didn't you get the store where you got this from to gift-wrap it for you?"

Ed: "Oh, they got some silly rule down there. 'No gift-wrapping for any purchase less than $3."

"Box Top Kid Part One":

Trixie: "Ed believes that before you go to Europe, you should see a bit of America first. So we made a list. So far this year, we have scratched off Bayoone, Yonkers & Scranton."

Alice: "What are you going to scratch off this year?"

Trixie: "I would like to scratch off Norton."

"The Golfer":

Ralph: "I deserve that promotion, Norton - I worked hard to get it! Just because Mr. Harper doesn't know I'm alive I'm not going to get the promotion, huh? Well, it's the same ol' story: its not what you know, its who you know! If you don't have any connections you're dead. You can be the smartest guy in the world, know everything about everything, know the encyclopedia backwards and forwards. But, If you don't have any connections you get nowhere."

Ed: "Now wait a minute, I don't think that applies to every case. I didn't have any connections when I got my job in the sewer."

"Hot Tip":

Ralph: "Where did you get that jacket?"

Ed: "That is what they are wearing down at the track."

Ralph: "Yeah, the horses. But not the people."

Frank Gannucci

05-07-2010, 07:26 AM

"Please Leave The Premises":

Alice: "You got fingers in your gloves. Fix the silverware."

Ralph: "How would you like some fingers in your nose?"

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Ralph Kramden."

Ed: "I am as close as anybody can get to him."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph: "When did you ever catch anything?"

Alice: "15 years ago. I caught 300 lbs. of blubber."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Alice, come on out. Dynamite is here."

(Alice slams the bedroom door.)

Ralph: "I guess that she is still asleep."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "When we get to Fred's Landing, I won't even introduce you to Fred."

Alice: "Oooooh, from this blow I may never recover."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "What could a guy want that is down in the sewer that he needs two bucks right away?"

Ed: "You see, today is pay day and the guys got a couple of dice in the sewer, well you might call it a floating crap game."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "When I win that $100, I am going to get myself some bowling shoes, a leather lumber jacket, and you are going to get a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ed puts a beauty mark on Ralph's left cheek after the makeup put some makeup on Ralph's eyes and lipstick.)

Ralph: "What did you just do?"

Ed: "I put a beauty mark on your left cheek."

Ralph: "Why did you do that?"

Ed: "Without it, you look exactly like Barbara Streisand."

"Life upon the Wicked Stage":

(Alice is dressed up as a hula girl. Trixie is dressed up as a sailor. They are rehearsing for a talent contest. Ralph comes in.)

Ralph: "What are you doing and who is he?"

Alice: "That's Trixie."

Ralph (to Trixie): "All right. What are you doing and who is she (Alice)?"

Frank Gannucci

05-08-2010, 02:31 PM

"In 25 Words Or Less":

(The waiter makes crepe zuzzets [Franch pancakes], he starts a fire on his grill. Ralph sees it and puts the fire out with a fire extinguisher.)

Ralph: "It's a good thing I was here or the whole boat would have been on fire."

Alice: "Ralph, those were French pancakes."

Ralph: "I don't care what started the fire."

"In 25 Words Or Less":

Ralph: "Flakey Wakey's add to the taste..."

Ed: "But take away from your fat little waist."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "How much time would it take a man if he went about selling these things (Handy Housewife Helpers) if he went from door-to-door?"

Alice: "About one minute if this was the first door he knocked on."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ed comes in wearing shorts.)

Ed: "It's the latest thing. It's about time that we men broke the chains of convention. We have been prisoners long enough."

Ralph: "You keep wearing that and you will be in prison all over again."

"Better Living Through TV":

(Ed is wearing one of Trixie's dresses.)

Trixie: "Do you have to smoke that cigar?"

Ed: "Please. It's the only link left to the old me."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "I was born under the sign of Pieces the fish."

Ralph: "You were born under the sign of Pistachio the nut."

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Alice: "I'll go get a flashlight for you."

Ralph: "I don't need one."

(Ralph leaves and falls down the stairs. Alice comes by the door. He comes back.)

Ralph: "Well, don't just stand there. Get me a flashlight."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "What did you used to call your dad?"

Ed: "Long distance."

Frank Gannucci

05-09-2010, 07:08 AM

"Hello Mom":

Alice: "I want you to read this letter Ralph. It was made by a man a long time ago."

Ralph (reading the letter): "'Dear Mom, I'd just thought I'd write and tell you this. A mother-in-law is the most criticized, the most misunderstood and the most defenseless of all women. The average women must be clever enough to know when to speak, but a mother-in-law must know when to keep silent. She must be very wise, wise enough sometimes to withhold advice, although she knows the answer to the problem. A mother-in-law must sit on the fence between her own child and the child by marriage. Somehow she must keep her balance. She must lean backwards until her spine aches or else she's accused of being partial and she isn't permitted the luxury of hurt feelings or tears. If a person could put themselves in their mother-in-laws place, weigh her in the balance, being completely fair; they'd nominate her for the Presidency of the United States, and she'd be the first women to make it.'" (not reading): "This is pretty nice. Who wrote it?"

Alice: "You did."

"Hello Mom":

Trixie: "Ed, what did you say about my mom?"

Ed: "I said that she was the most mean, most rotten, sweetest person that I ever met."

"A Matter of Record":

Alice's Mom: "Alice, you look thin. Are you getting enough to eat?"

Alice: "Sure I am. You won't say that if you look at our food bill."

Alice's Mom: "Well, I don't doubt that the bills are high. But, how much of the food are you getting?"

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Alice's Mom: "Hello Ralph."

Ralph: "Hello. How did you know it was me?"

Alice's Mom: "I could hear the floor sag."

"The Next Champ":

(Dynamite Kid is punching in the air.)

Ed: "Boy, look at him Ralph. He fights like a panther. He reminds me of the greatest street fighter I ever saw."

Ralph: "Who was that?"

Ed: "Trixie's mom."

"Quiz Show":

Ralph: "All I know is that your mother has been asking your father the same question for a long time and he hasn't been able to answer it yet."

Alice: "What question is that?"

Ralph: "Why don't you get a job?"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Alice's Mom: "When I got married, I had a more modern stove than that."

Ralph: "When you got married, fire wasn't even invented."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Alice's Mom: "Why Eddie Townsend was begging to marry her (Alice.)"

Ralph: "Eddie Townsend? Eddie Townsend? Are you kidding me? That big, fat tub of lard."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(Ralph just challenged Alice's Mom to a fight. He goes to the bedroom seconds later.)

Alice's Mom: "Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!"

Ralph (opening the door): "Crow! Crow! Crow!"

For all mothers out there, have a Happy Mother's Day!

Frank Gannucci

05-10-2010, 07:18 AM

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Remember last year at the convention when the cops were cracking down on the people who were dropping bags out of the hotel window? That didn't bother me. I just went 1...2...3 and I threw them out."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "Look me all over. Now describe my build to me."

Ed: "Well, if I were to describe your build, I would say you have very well-developed muscles. Got good bone structure. Very good bone structure. Fine frame...and the whole thing is covered with fat."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "For my height, I am four pounds underweight. It says so in the chart."

Alice: "You must have been looking at a chart for a hippo."

"Checkup":

Ed: "Has there been anything you wanted to look inside that didn't belong to you?"

Ralph: "Yes. Your head."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Get in that kitchen and start cleaning up."

Alice: "Only if I use you for a mop."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "Stop saying 'okay.' Say: 'That will be very good sir.'"

Thelma: "Okay."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "This (Ed) is my guest and I'm your employer."

Thelma: "Some guest and some employer. The SIMP and the BLIMP."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ed just won the TV set on the movie ticket that Ralph got.)

Ed: "It's just like the guy said: 'A lesser man would have said: 'I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me.''"

Ralph: "I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "Nobody is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one big enough?"

Frank Gannucci

05-11-2010, 07:17 AM

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Just remember; you can't put your arms around a memory!"

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you!"

"Brother-In-Law":

Ralph: "I'm the boss. You're nothing."

Alice: "Big deal. You are the boss over nothing."

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and anybody."

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(Ed is gving the bottles to Ralph and saying what each and every bottle has. He picks up one of the bottles.)

Ed: "This is a tough one. 'Oliveoil.'"

(Ralph picks up the bottle and looks at the label.)

Ralph: "'Oliveoil?'" (yells): "THAT'S OLIVE OIL."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "There isn't anything in this world that's going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow and talking to Ed's boss."

Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you could fit through."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph. You're my husband."

Ralph: "No, I'm your brother."

"Without Reservations":

(Everybody is in the run-down hotel.)

Ralph: "We don't have to get the hotel ready until they build the highway."

Alice: "I think it would be easier if they built the hotel and we built the highway."

"Without Reservations":

(Everybody is in their respective uniforms. Ed's bellhop uniform barely fits.)

Ralph: "Are there any questions?"

Ed: "Yeah, how do I get out of this chicken outfit?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "You are so funny that I am going to put you in my act. It's going to be called: 'Punch & Judy.' And you are going to be Judy."

Alice: "And you are going to be Punchy."

Ed: "Punchy. Ha ha ha."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "SHUT UP!"

Frank Gannucci

05-12-2010, 07:16 AM

Frank Gannucci

05-13-2010, 07:21 AM

Frank Gannucci

05-14-2010, 07:25 AM

Frank Gannucci

05-15-2010, 07:21 AM

Frank Gannucci

05-16-2010, 07:06 AM

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You once said: 'Ralph, I would be happy to live in a tent with you.'"

Alice: "I am still willing. I think it would be an improvement."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "Do you care if I waste away?"

Alice: "Sure I do Ralph. But, you wouldn't waste away if you stayed awake for nine years."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ralph has a towel wrapped around his head.)

Ralph: "I got a toothache. Why do you think I have this thing on for?"

Ed: "I thought you were going to be a bunny rabbit on that TV commercial."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Ralph: "You are an idiot."

Ed: "Maybe I am an idiot, but I don't have a doorknob hanging out of my mouth."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Do you have anybody to call to tell them that you are going to be late for work?"

Ed: "Who am I going to call? Who am I going to call? If I am going to be late, I would write a note down and drop it in the nearest manhole."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Suppose I don't get Jackie Gleason. Suppose I get someone just as exciting."

Ed: "Don't worry Ralph. If you don't get Jackie Gleason, there will be an event just as exciting. The Hanging of Ralph Kramden."

"Goodnight Sweet Prince":

(Ralph is having trouble sleeping during the daytime due to him working the night shift.)

Ralph: "Freddie Muller is keeping me on the night shift. That bum. Well, he won't be able to get away with it. Wait until I get my hands on him."

Ed: "Calm down before you do anything rash. Maybe you better sleep on it first."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed took all of the waffles that were on the table.)

Ralph: "Can I have some waffles?"

Alice: "Don't tell me that you ate those already."

Ralph: "I didn't touch them. Henry VIII (Ed) got them ahead of me."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "How will they know that I am a Hurricane without the jacket?"

Alice: "Just open your mouth."

Frank Gannucci

05-17-2010, 08:10 AM

"Hello Mom":

Ralph: "What are you doing with all of that material? Making a bedspread?"

Alice: "No, I'm taking your pants out again."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "Who's 'sweet-ums'?"

Alice: "You're sweet-ums."

Ralph: "You're nuts."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Ed: "As long as I'm an executive in that bus company, you are sure of being a bus driver as long as you live."

(Ralph stands up and motions to Ed to get out.)

Ed: "This is no way to treat..."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"The Adoption":

Ed: "Can I ask you a question that has to do with the medical profession?"

Doctor: "Sure."

Ed: "Do you have any scientific methods of removing tatoos?"

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ralph is complaing about the pain of his toothache.)

McGarrity (from upstairs, yells): "HEY KRAMDEN, CUT OUT THE NOISE!"

(Ralph goes to the window and opens it.)

Ralph (yells): "IF YOU HAD ANY TEETH, YOU WOULD KNOW WHAT THIS FELLS
LIKE."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ralph is complaining about his toothache. Alice offers him some
help.)

Alice: "All you got to say is: 'I don't have a toothache.'"

Ralph: "I don't have a toothache...Well, stupid I still have the toothache."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

(The gang is in the broken-down home.)

Ed: "How long is this lease for?"

Ralph: "The usual."

Ed: "How long is that?"

Ralph "99 years."

Ed: "99 years?"

Ralph: "Yes, 99 years. That's what America gets from Great Britian when they do that lend-lease stuff."

Ed: "Yeah, but this place isn't exactly Bermuda."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "I'm not the one who's eating it Norton. I watched you tonight. Four pork chops. Four pork chops."

Ed: "What are you complaing about? You had six."

Ralph: "What, are you counting?"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "Norton, do you like the furntiure in here?"

Ed (looking around): "Yeah."

Ralph (to Alice): "See?"

Ed: "Of course. I don't live here."

Lennon

05-17-2010, 01:26 PM

I wish WGN was still showing the Honeymooners, what a great show it was.

Frank Gannucci

05-17-2010, 09:56 PM

I know that Wikipedia is not a reliable source, but I remember reading on that site that the channel has the rights to the show until 9/11/11. If that's true, they probably have the show in their library until they are ready to put it back on at a reasonable time.

Frank Gannucci

05-18-2010, 07:27 AM

(ALN):

(AmericanLife also has an OnDemand Service. This show might be one of the shows to watch.)

TV-G

All times are Eastern.

All color episodes are one hour.

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Shelia MacRae as Alice Kramden. Jean Kean as Trixie Norton.

Fri. May 21, 2010 10a #15 (aka #168) – “Rafitti, Brooklyn Style”: Ralph tries to score points with his boss by collecting money from the drivers at the depot and buying the boss' daughter an elegant watch as a wedding present. Alice and her mother discover the watch and since it's Alice's birthday, jump to the wrong conclusion. Ralph stages a phony holdup to get the watch back but is thwarted when a real crook overhears his scheme.

5p #47 (aka #200) – “Double Trouble”: Jackie plays a dual role as the Honeymooners check in at scenic Sun Valley, Idaho. A Kramden look alike is passing some bad checks, and the Honeymooners devise their own disguise to track down the culprit.

Sat. May 22, 2010 2a #3 (aka #156) - "The Poor People of Paris": Ralph & Ed get a great exchange rate -- on counterfeit money.

Sun. May 23, 2010 3a (also Fri. May 21, 2010 at 5p on FamNet) #12 (aka #165) – “Movies Are Better Than Ever”: Ralph treats himself, Alice and the Nortons to the movies for Ed's birthday. Ed's ticket wins the door prize -- a color TV. Ralph declares war on Ed because he paid for the tickets and wants the TV. Eventually they take their case to court but reconcile after hearing Alice's testimony.

Mon. May 24, 2010 2a #10 (aka #163) – “Run Santa Run”: Ralph doesn't know that Alice has taken in knitting to pay for his Christmas present, so when he discovers baby things in the apartment he assumes Alice is pregnant. He takes on a job as a sidewalk Santa with Norton as his helper. They are both arrested as operatives in a bookmaking operation.

3a (also Fri. May 28, 2010 5p on FamNet) #13 (aka #166) – “Without Reservations”: Ralph's brother-in-law Stanley persuades Ralph and Ed into buying a strategically located hotel along the route of a proposed highway. The highway ends up bypassing the hotel, putting Ralph and Ed out of business but money in Stanley's pocket since he's a construction worker on the new highway.

Fri. May 28, 10a & Mon. May 31, 2010 3a #16 (aka #169) – “Ralph Kramden Presents”: Ralph is asked to invite his celebrity friend that he always brags about, Jackie Gleason, to the annual Raccoons dance. In desperation, Ralph & Ed go over to the hotel that Gleason is staying to try to get him to come. Ralph gets to speak to Carney and Ed gets to speak to Gleason but in the confusion, nobody is invited to the dance. Alice promises Gleason the recipe for her anchovy pizza and he shows up at the dance.

5p #46 (aka #199) – “The Match Game”: Frances Langford plays the brain behind a computer-match service, as the Honeymooners breeze into the Windy City. Computer-wise, the Norton's match really clicks -- but Cupid somehow missed with the Kramdens! Who's at fault, man or machine?

Sat. May 29, 2010 2a #4 (aka #157) - "Confusion Italian Style": Ralph is jealous of Alice's guide, not knowing the guide is a little boy.

Sun. May 30, 2010 3a #14 (aka #167) – “Life Upon The Wicked Stage”: Ralph pairs up with Ed and Alice pairs up with Trixie to enter a talent contest. Alice and Trixie win first place and Alice uses her winnings to buy Ralph the expensive fishing gear he's had his eyes on.

Mon. May 31, 2010 2a #11 (aka #164) - "King of the Castle": Back from Europe, Ralph advises Ed to stand up to Trixie -- and suddenly, Alice moves in with Trixie and Ed is living with Ralph.

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

Mon. May 24, 2010 1a #018 (aka #109) - "The $99,000 Answer": Ralph Kramden's get-rich-quick schemes were a Honeymooners staple, but the pipe dream in "The $99,000 Answer"---which originally aired Jan. 28, 1956---may be the funniest. Convinced that he'll triumph on a quiz show, popular-music expert Ralph (Jackie Gleason) intensely prepares at home, aided by piano-playing pal Norton (Art Carney), who warms up for each song with a few bars of a familiar Stephen Foster melody. Of course, the second he's on live TV, Ralph's bravado vanishes. Going into the classic Kramden meltdown---the eyes bugging, the lips quivering, the tongue stuttering "hummina-hummina"---he's asked, for his first question, to identify the composer of "Swanee River." DON'T MISS - - Norton's introduction to every song on the piano.

1:30a #029 (aka #120) - "Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"): While leaving the pool hall, Ralph witnesses a bank robbery and takes a bullet through his hat. That's reason enough for him to believe that the thugs will come gunning for him, so Norton tells his on-edge pal to just relax and watch some TV. "What's playing tonight?" Ralph asks. Norton's reply: "Dead Men Tell No Tales." Bibbo: Frank Marth. Danny: George Petrie.

Mon. May 31, 2010 1a #016 (aka #107) - "Oh My Aching Back": After telling Alice he was too tired to leave the apartment, Ralph---on the eve of his company physical---goes bowling, throws his back out and comes home hunched over, and looking, Norton says, like "the leaning tower of pizza."

1:30a #015 (aka #106) - "A Matter of Record": In "A Matter of Record" (originally telecast Jan. 7, 1956), Ralph surprises Alice with tickets to a hit Broadway mystery, but with her mother coming "all the way from Bensonhurst" for a visit, she won't go. " Where's Bensonhurst, in New Zealand or something?" Ralph snaps back, upset that Alice is forsaking him for a visit from his nemesis. "She won't be in this apartment three minutes before she starts an argument," Ralph says. With that, Alice's mother arrives and Ralph proceeds to set an alarm clock for three minutes. Sure enough, she quickly insults Ralph about his weight, chides Alice for not marrying "a good provider" and, as the final straw, spills the beans about the ending of the play. Just as the alarm clock rings, Ralph erupts ("You are a blabbermouth!") and throws his mother-in-law out. But Alice leaves with her, prompting Ralph to take Norton's suggestion and record an apology to Alice in hopes of winning her forgiveness.

Credit goes to zap2it.com, the old honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & John K's Book To The Moon.

"Expectant Father":

(Ralph thinks that he is going to be a father. He wants his new boy to be a fighter.)

Ed: "Why don't you name the kid Percy?"

Ralph: "Percy?"

Ed: "With a name like that, he will be fighting all the time."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph is at the dog pound. He just gave back Alice's dog that he hated, but slowly and surely he started not hating it.)

Ralph: "Is my dog going to get a good home?"

Man: "I hope so."

Ralph: "What do you mean by that?"

Man: "We have several dogs who are only supposed to be here for four days. We got several who are over the limit."

Ralph: "What happens to the dogs who are over the limit?"

Man: "They have to be destoryed."

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that the dog I just gave back is going to be destroyed?" (going into the room where all the dogs are, yells): "WAIT A MINUTE!"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that's my idea of a burn."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "Berlin threw away a lot of bad lines."

Alice: "Yeah, if you can only find out where he threw them."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "Do you know what it like Alice to own a home? You can walk outside, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out in the hallway right now and do the same thing."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

Frank Gannucci

05-19-2010, 07:19 AM

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Nick: "How about $400 a week."

(Ralph coughs.)

Nick: "$500."

(Ralph coughs more.)

Nick: "$600."

Ralph: "Norton, give me some water."

Ed: "Don't be a dope Ralph. Keep coughing Ralph. You will be a millionaire in no time."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is trying to bang his pipes to get water for his apartment. Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "NORTON, WOULD YOU STOP THAT BANGING? I GOT A HEADACHE."

Ed (from upstairs, yells): "I NEED WATER. I NEED TO TAKE A BATH."

Ralph (yells): "DO ME A FAVOR AND STAY DIRTY JUST FOR THE NIGHT."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy that Ed put down.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD?
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR? YOU GOT RID OF THE HIC-
OFFS, DIDN'T YOU?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and anybody."

"Confusion, Italian Style":

(The Kramdens & Norton arrive in a VERY small car.)

Man: "These italian cars aren't exactly very big."

Ralph: "You're telling me. When I first saw this, I thought that it was a cigarette lighter."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Fred: "You will have to eat as much to help you stay alive Ralph."

Ed: "Even that will be too much."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The boys come home.)

Ralph: "Shh! Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What?"

Ralph: "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shh! Alice is asleep.'"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "This furniture is good for me."

Alice: "Sure it is. But, just because you are a Raccoon doens't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

Frank Gannucci

05-20-2010, 07:17 AM

"Follow The Boys":

(Ed just offered Ralph an idea to get away from the girls later on that night.)

Ralph: "That is the stupidest idea I ever heard."

Ed: "That is not as stupid as mailing a letter without no postage just because nobody is looking."

Ralph: "When did I do that?"

Ed: "You didn't. I did and at the time, you said that that was the stupidest thing that you ever heard."

Ralph: "Well, it was."

Ed: "So, don't pick on this idea then."

"Hair To A Fortune":

(Ed is gving the bottles to Ralph and saying what each and every bottle has. He picks up one of the bottles.)

Ed: "This is a tough one. 'Oliveoil.'"

(Ralph picks up the bottle and looks at the label.)

Ralph: "'Oliveoil?'" (yells): "THAT'S OLIVE OIL."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed is hypnotized. He is at his job.)

Ed: "I am walking around in the water." (looking at Ralph): "Look out! There's a whale in the sewer. It's Moby."

Ralph: "If he wasn't under a spell, I would fracture his skull."

"Funny Money":

(Ralph said to Alice that all the bad things that had happened were nothing.)

Alice: "What about quitting your job Ralph or was that nothing?"

Ralph: "I forgot about that."

Alice: "I guess you forgot that all this expensive stuff that you bought has to go back too. Every bit of it except for your suits Ralph. The tailor can't take those back. He doesn't know of any ELEPHANTS that need a new wardrobe."

"Alice & The Blonde":

(Alice catches Ralph coming home late.)

Alice: "Do you know what time it is Ralph?"

Ralph: "Yeah, it's a little after 11."

Alice: "Yeah, it's three hours after 11."

"A Matter of Record":

Ralph: "Your mother is a blabbermouth. A blabbermouth."

Alice: "Ralph, I told you I don't want you calling her that."

Ralph: "All right. You are an expert on crossword puzzles. Give me another word for 'blabbermouth.'"

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "Norton, look me all over. Now describe my build to me."

Ed: "Well, if I were to describe your build I would say you have well-developed muscles, good bone structure, very good bone structure, fine frame...and the whole thing is covered with fat."

"Cupid Part 1":

Herman: "I still have our class picture Ralph. You were in the first row."

Ed: "In the first row, he must have BEEN the first row."

"Cupid Part 2":

(Ralph thinks that Alice has left him.)

Ralph: "Everything in here reminds me of her. The potatos she peels, the frigidare she fixes, the floor she scrubs, the dishes she washes.
Norton, why did she leave me?"

Ed: "You just gave four very good reasons."

Frank Gannucci

05-21-2010, 07:21 AM

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed want to get the money so they can buy Bartfled's Candy Store. Alice & Trixie won't give them the money.)

Ed: "Our money is in a joint account."

Ralph: "So what? That money is yours just as it is hers."

Ed: "There's a slight technicality there. Our joint account is in the name of Trixie and her mother."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I know New York from top to bottom."

Ed: "I have been working in the sewer for years. I know New York from bottom to top."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "When did you get those glasses?"

Ed: "About four months ago. The doctor told me that I have to wear them when I read."

Ralph: "Do they help?"

Ed: "I don't know. This is the first time I have tried them out."

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "Thank you very much for having my underwear outside all night. Now it's frozen stiff."

Alice: "I'm sorry."

Ralph: "Don't apologize. Just give me an ice pick and I will get dressed."

"The Deciding Vote":

Alice: "Ralph, what are you going to do?"

Ralph: "I will give that bum (Ed) a reference." (reading): "'How long have you known the applicant?' Too long." (reading): "'Is the applicant trustworthy?' Don't make me laugh." (reading): "'In your opinion, is the applicant a good character?' The applicant is a bum!"

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Alice: "We have to get rid of Happy. He's too big for this apartment."

Ralph: "He's too big for a zoo."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Trixie: "Hey, I got to go downtown shopping tomorrow, there's a big sale on men's shorts. .89 cents a pair! Norton could sure use some."

Alice: "So could Ralph, what sizes have they got?"

Trixie: "All sizes: 32 to 50."

Alice: "Nope, nothing there for Ralph!"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ed: "Remember last year at the Raccoon Convention in New York where the police where cracking down on people who were throwing water bags out of the hotel windows? That didn't stop me. I just filled up the bags with water and threw them out my hotel window."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "There's an honor with being Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler that is a benefit for both of us. If I'm elected Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler, we have the priviledge of free burial at the Raccoon National Cemetery? Do you know where that is? Bismark, North Dakota."

Alice: "Well, that's wonderful Ralph. Just wonderful. I always dreamed of going out west."

Frank Gannucci

05-22-2010, 07:29 AM

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "I don't want to take Trixie. I took her on my last trip. She was on my case. She told me I couldn't bowl, I couldn't play pool etc. She just ruined everything."

Ralph: "When was this?"

Ed: "On our honeymoon."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You mean to tell me that you are willing to give up your life insurance for this crazy idea? That settles it Ralph. That settles it. You have rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head? I got rocks in my head? I got NOTHING in my head."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ed: "All I can say is you will be tickled pink when Ralph comes home and says that him and me are going to buy a summer cottage for the four of us and it is only going to cost $989."

Alice: "You mean you are going to buy what for whom and it is only going to cost how much?"

Ed: "I can't tell you. It's a secret."

"Follow The Boys":

Alice: "Ed just learned a new word."

Ralph: "Oh, he knows three words now?"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "I am no crackpot."

Doctor: "We don't use the word 'crackpot' Mr. Kramden. We use the word 'patient.'"

(Intercom rings.)

Doctor (answering the intercom): "Excuse me, I'm with a patient."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "You don't think I'm crazy. My leg won't go up."

Alice: "What?"

Ralph: "That's right. I hit it with a hammer, but it wouldn't go up."

Alice (starting to laugh): "If you keep talking like that, they will come with a net and take you away."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Alice: "I burned my finger on that darn stove."

Ralph: "Gee, that's a shame. If you are not buring yourself, it's my food."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "What is your mother's name Mrs. Norton?"

Ed: "Mrs. Norton."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "Why did you bring that tie?"

Ed: "What is wrong with it?"

Ralph: "Look at the stain on it."

Ed: "That's okay. It's pot roast."

Frank Gannucci

05-23-2010, 07:19 AM

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph thinks he just got nominated Raccoon of The Year.)

Ralph: "Alice, something happened to me today that is probably, and without a doubt. One of the finest things to ever happen to me in my life. There isn't anything in the world that could have happened to me that is better than what happened to me today! And if you guess for a million years - for a million years - you couldn't guess what it was that happened to me today!"

Alice: "Well, there's only one thing I can think of from the way you are acting. You've been named Raccoon of the Year in that silly lodge of yours."

"A Dog's Life":

Trixie (from upstairs, yells): "OH ALICE! OH ALICE!"

Ed: "There it is. The voice of doom."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing" (1954 version):

Trixie: "Maybe the radiator needs some water."

Ralph: "Well, now that's very clever and which one of the Pep Boys are you, Manny, Moe or Jack? If I had any water, I would put it in there."

Trixie: "Ralph, I was only thinking..."

Ralph: "Well, don't think.Just keep your mouth shut."

Ed: "Just a minute. You seem to have forgotten that she's my wife and I don't like you yelling at her that way." (to Trixie, yells): "NOW STOP THINKING AND SHUT UP!"

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Alice accidently throws her pool cue.)

Alice: "I guess I wasn't supposed to do that."

Ralph: "What was that?"

Alice: "I guess I wasn't supposed to do that, wasn't I?"

Ralph: "Not if we are playing pool but if we are javelin throwing, we are."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

Ed: "I filed a laswuit once. The lawyers claimed that I didn't even have a case."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I was working in the sewer and a manhole cover fell on my head."

Ralph: "Why couldn't you win the case?"

Ed: "I couldn't prove it did any damage."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ed: "Every time I play cards, I lose. Every single time then after when I get home, I tell Trixie I lost. She gets mad at me. She hollers at me. I can't eat. I can't sleep. At work, I am sick all day."

Ralph: "Then why do you play for?"

Ed: "It's the only fun I get."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph are at the Help The Needy Society's caseworker's desk. Ralph's jacket is very ripped because of Ed Norton trying to make Ralph look like a bum.)

Ralph: "I am a needy case. Look at me."

Ed: "This is his Sunday suit."

"The Loudspeaker":

Alice: "I suppose you were cold sober the night you came home, went into the bedroom, stuck your head out and yelled: 'Hey Mrs. Gallagher, why is your cat doing in my apartment?'"

Ralph: "I'll ask you again. What was her cat doing in this apartment?"

Alice: "It wasn't her cat. You had your Racoon hat on backwards."

"Nephew of the Bride":

(Ralph wants to get rid of Aunt Ethel.)

Ed: "Why don't you put your head out the window and holler: 'Fire!'"

Ralph: "Suppose other people hear it? Then they will think the fire is real."

Ed: "Then you yell: 'Fire, Aunt Ethel.'"

Frank Gannucci

05-24-2010, 07:16 AM

Frank Gannucci

05-25-2010, 07:16 AM

"Boys & Girls Together":

Ralph: "I'm very important to the Hurricanes. I'm the anchor man."

Alice: "Of what, the Queen Mary?"

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Alice wants to go to the movies.)

Ralph: "The Hurricanes need me."

Alice: "I feel very sorry for the Hurricanes because the biggest wind of them all isn't going to be there."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Carlos: "If your wives want you guys to do these simple things, like opening a door for them, why don't you do it?"

Ralph: "He wants to know why we don't do it. Why we don't do it....Why we don't do it....Because it's too much trouble. That's why we don't do it."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "How would you like it if a person came down to where you worked and helped himself to whatever he could find?"

Ed: "Help himself to what?"

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "I'm writing a list of all my weak points."

Ed: "Oh, is that all the paper you are going to use?"

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

(The waiter gives Ralph & Ed food for their lunch. He takes Ed's hat so it can be hung up.)

Waiter: "Your hat sir?"

Ralph: "What?"

Waiter: "Your hat?"

Ralph: "No, it's my hat. I'll keep it."

"Follow The Boys":

(Alice has the lights turned off and is all dressed up for Ralph. Ralph comes home.)

Alice: "Good evening sweetheart."

Ralph: "So you forgot to pay the elctric bill, huh?"

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Jackie Gleason is down at the Sun & Fun Capital of the World."

Ed: "What's he doing in Perth Amboy?"

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ed goes into the elevator so he can wash up.)

Elevator Operator: "Where to sir?"

Ed: "Follow that cable."

Frank Gannucci

05-26-2010, 07:16 AM

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "You don't know how to handle money."

Alice: "Of course not. I never had any practice."

"Boys & Girls Together":

(The gang is at a restaurant. Ralph & Ed are zombies.)

Ralph (to waiter): "Just give us four cups of coffee."

Ed: "I'll have the same. Four cups of coffee."

"Hello Mom":

Ralph: "What are you doing with all of that material? Making a bedspread?"

Alice: "No, I'm taking your pants out again."

"Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "You think that I am a Shorty?"

Doctor: "Mr. Kramden, who's Shorty?"

Ralph: "How do I know? I never met him."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

Ed (reading crossword puzzle): "'Four-letter word. The leaning tower of...'"

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP!"

Ed: "I only said..."

Ralph (yells): "I SAID SHUT UP!"

Ed: "I only said..."

Ralph (yells): "I SAID SHUT UP!"

Ed: "What's wrong?"

Ralph (yells): "WHAT'S WRONG? THE LEANING TOWER OF PIZZA. THAT IS WHAT'S WRONG."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

Ralph: "At times like this, I realize how thoughtless you are. You know the condition that I am in. You know I can't do anything by myself."

Alice: "How did you walk out here?"

Ralph: "Don't change the subject."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy that Ed put down.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR? YOU GOT RID OF THE HIC-OFFS, DIDN'T YOU?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "This poolroom isn’t big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom isn’t big enough for you and anybody."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Doctor: "I notice that you have a slight limp. Is that disability permanent?"

Ralph: "No, it isn't. I got it this morning. I hit myself with a hammer."

Doctor: "You hit yourself with a hammer?"

Ralph: "Don't get the wrong idea. Ed hit my leg with the hammer."

Frank Gannucci

05-27-2010, 07:18 AM

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "How am I supposed to waddle like a duck?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"The Safety Award":

Ed: "Can I use this hankerchef?"

Ralph: "It's one of my new ones. Remember, it's for showin', not blowin'."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Remember last year at the convention when the cops were cracking down on all the people dropping water bags out of the hotel window? That didn't bother me, I just threw mine out of the window."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"Cupid Part 1":

Ralph (to Herman): "You are easy going. You are considerate. Now what woman would want that?"

Ed: "How about Alice?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "I see that you are dressed for the fishing vaction."

Ed: "No, I just got through working in the sewer."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Alice: "I am not going to Fred's Landing."

Ralph: "Don't go."

Alice: "I wouldn't give you the satisfaction."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "I don't mind if Stanley eats like a garbage disposal, I just don't want him to sound like one."

Alice: "He has false teeth."

Ralph: "I know why. He wore out his real ones eating."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "We don't have to fix this hotel until the highway is built.

Trixie: "I think it would be easier if we built the highway and the other people who were going to build the highway to cleanup the hotel."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ed is getting a suntan. He wraps foli around his neck.)

Ralph: "What is the foil for?"

Ed: "To prevent the soot from the chimney from getting on my vest.

Ralph: "It would be a shame to get that vest dirty after working in the sewer all day."

Frank Gannucci

05-28-2010, 07:23 AM

"A Promotion Part 2":

Ralph: "A derrick couldn't get me out of this chair."

Alice: "A good big one might be able to."

"A Man's Pride":

(Ralph is trying to tell Bill Davis that he has a VERY IMPORTANT job.)

Ralph: "I am in the transportation business."

Bill Davis: "What do you do?"

Ralph: "Oh, I run things."

Bill: "You run things?"

Ed: "Yeah, everyday he's in the driver's seat."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Rita: "Do you have any nicknames that you like to call your husband?"

Alice: "Oh, I got several I love to call him."

Rita: "All you have to do is pick your husband's outstanding feature and find a name that fits."

Alice: "Oh, I see." (to Ralph): "Isn't that a good idea Tubby?"

"The Safety Award":

Ed: "Someone thought about putting a plaque on Ralph's bus saying: 'You are on the bus of the World's Safest Bus Driver: Ralph Kramden.'"

Alice: "Oh, a plaque like that. Ed, you can tell me. Who thought of that idea?"

Ed: "Ralph."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I'll get the $300 Alice. I'll get it if I have to sell everything in this house."

Alice: "Fine. But, what are you going to do about the other $280?"

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Alice: "I read in a magazine once that 50% of a toothache is mental. 50% of the pain of that toothache is here (the mouth). The other 50% is in here (the head.)

Ralph: "For you information, 100% of it is here (the mouth.) There is nothing up there (the head.)"

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (reading): "'Four-letter word for place of dwelling.' I got that one. House: H-o-s-e. That is the trouble with these puzzles. They are not challenging."

Alice: "Yeah, they are easy. Easy: E-z-y."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: "I have to go bowling. I am the anchorman."

Alice: "Of what, the Queen Mary?"

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph is looking for apaper with his social security # on it.)

Ralph: "I think I found it. Here it is: 56-68-73."

Alice: "Those are the measurements for that new suit you bought."

Frank Gannucci

05-29-2010, 07:29 AM

"Curse of The Kramdens":

"Ghost": "I'm the Ghost of Shammus O' Toole. If your name is Kramden. Beware! Ha ha ha!"

Ed: "This is Ed Norton. Capital N-o-r-t-o-n."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "My brothers don't eat like that."

Alice: "Your brothers don't eat like that? Then how come you are the one in the family that they call 'Skinny.'"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "You want proof that I'm crazy? My leg won't go up."

Alice: "Your leg won't go up?"

Ralph: "That's right. I hit it with a hammer, but it didn't go up."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "You don't know how to handle money."

Alice: "Of course not. I never had any practice."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "The bills will get bigger and bigger and I'll get less to eat. I'll start losing weight. Then do you know what I will look like?"

Alice: "Yeah, a human being."

"A Dog's Life":

Alice: "Do you realize that you Raccoons have more emergency meetings than the U.N.?"

Ralph: "It turns out that the Raccoons have more emergencies than the U.N."

"Guest Speaker":

(Ed comes in and sees Ralph in his Raccoon uniform.)

Ed: "What happened Ralph, did you get drafted?"

Ralph: "No, I didn't get drafted. I'm a Raccoon."

Ed: "Well, I am a butterfly and I'm flying out of here."

"Hot Tip":

(Ed comes in with a loud jacket.)

Ralph: "Where did you get that jacket?"

Ed: "That is what they are wearing at the track."

Ralph: "Yeah, the horses. Not the people."

"Double Anniversary":

(Ralph tells Ed of his surprise plans to Alice which entail him inviting her out to a movie only to lead her into the Kit Kat Klub where they are going to have the surprise party.)

Ralph: "I hope she doesn't faint."

Ed: "I hope she doesn't faint when she learns that you want to take her to a movie."

Frank Gannucci

05-30-2010, 07:06 AM

Frank Gannucci

05-31-2010, 07:20 AM

All from "Please Leave The Premises":

#1:

Mr. Johnson: "The rent commission gave me permission to raise the rent. My reasons are right there in that note."

Ed: "I knew this would happen as soon as the war ended."

#2:

Ralph: "This is war Alice. Total war and it's going to be run like a war. George Washington never gave up. He fought for a cause the same way I am. I am just like Washington at Valley Forge."

Alice: "Not exactly Ralph. George didn't have Martha with him."

#3:

Alice: "Do you realize that for the last few days, we hadn't had any heat, water or electricity. And now that you have this silly barricade up, we can't go out and buy any food."

Ralph: "I'm not giving up Alice. I'm not giving up. Boy, you kill me. A few inconveniences and already you want to quit."

"Without Reservations":

Alice: "Stanley has had this trouble with his back ever since the war."

Ralph: "Trouble with his back ever since the war? You're right Alice; the war did give him a lot of trouble with his back on account he was hiding from the draft board in those cellars that's why."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

(Alice's sister is giving a lot of luggage to Ralph who is giving the luggage to Stanley. One of the pieces being, a suitcase.)

Stanley: "I got it. I got it."

(Alice's sister gives Ralph a fourth suitcase.)

Ralph: "The allies invaded Normandy with less than this."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm not asking you for the money. The general is telling you to give it to me."

(Alice gets a pot, puts it on Ralph's head like an Army helmet, and "salutes" him.)

Alice: "Har-har-har!"

"Manager of The Baseball Team":

Trixie: "Ralph has a good head on his shoulders."

Ed: "What is this on my shoulders, a volleyball?"

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ralph: "I'm not giving her this, boy. It's the first chance I've had any money of my own. You don't know what I have to go through when I wanna get something. A couple of months ago I wanted to get a bowling ball, you never saw such a riot take place. Arguing, screaming, yelling, ranting and raving! I finally had to say to her, "Now look, I'm the master of this house..." (yells): "GIVE ME THE MONEY FOR THE BOWLING BALL!!" (normally): "Then about three weeks ago I wanted to get a fishing rod, the same thing all over again. A couple of days ago I wanted to get a wallet. She started in all night, all day, all the next night and all the next day! I had to put my foot down again, I said..." (yells): "GIVE ME THE MONEY!!" (normally): "This time I'm keeping the money and I'm gonna get what I want, without any beefin'."

Ed: "What are you gonna get with it?"

Ralph: "A bowling ball, a fishing rod and a wallet!!!"

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(The makeup lady put lipstick on Ralph's lips.)

Makeup Lady: "Go like this."

(She makes kissing noises with her lips. So does Ralph.)

Ed: "Don't just sit there Ralph. Kiss me."

"The New Manager”:

Alice: "Why would Ralph run away?"

Ed: "He's married, isn’t he?"

Happy Memorial Day!

Frank Gannucci

06-01-2010, 07:23 AM

"TV or Not TV":

(Ralph is trying to tell Alice that he has more money in is wallet than Ed.)

Ralph: "I have it here."

(Ralph points to his hip pocket.)

Alice: "You have it here..." (Points to her left hip.) "...you have it here..." (Points to her right hip.) "...and you have it here." (Points to her stomach.)

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "What is the first thing that a person has to do if he wants to sell something?"

Ed: "Well, first they look your name (Ralph's) in the phonebook and then they try to sell it to you."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "I'm going to get his job back for him Alice. Tomorrow, I am going to go down that sewer tomorrow and speak to Ed's boss. there isn't anything in this world that is going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow."

Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you can fit through."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "What kind of life do you think that I lead in this city driving a bus all day? What do I hear? Taxi horns, police whistles, fire engines, breaks schreeching and people hollering. When I finish my work and come home what do I hear? Babies crying, garbage cans-a-rattlin', peddles-a-yellin'. I ask you. What do I have to do to get a little peace and quiet?"

Alice: "Why don't you shut up?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ralph: "The person who lent me this place was an ex-GI."

Alice: "Who was he, Benedict Arnold?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"Sees All, Knows All":

Ralph: "Norton, I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Lawsuit" (Color):

(Ralph is trying to stand on his bad leg while Ed is cracking walnuts.)

Ralph (yells): "I BROKE IT ALICE! I BROKE IT!"

Alice: "That was Ed cracking walnuts."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "YOU ARE A MENTAL CASE."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "The theater has been in me all my life."

Alice: "Yeah, I knew that that wasn't your stomach. It was the balcony."

(ALN):

(AmericanLife also has an OnDemand Service. This show might be one of the shows to watch.)

TV-G

All times are Eastern.

All color episodes are one hour.

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Shelia MacRae as Alice Kramden. Jean Kean as Trixie Norton.

Fri. June 4, 2010 10a & 5p #11 (aka #164) - "King of the Castle": Back from Europe, Ralph advises Ed to stand up to Trixie -- and suddenly, Alice moves in with Trixie and Ed is living with Ralph.

Sat. June 5, 2010 2a #46 (aka #199) – “The Match Game”: Frances Langford plays the brain behind a computer-match service, as the Honeymooners breeze into the Windy City. Computer-wise, the Norton's match really clicks --but Cupid somehow missed with the Kramdens! Who's at fault, man or machine?

Sun. June 6, 2010 3a #4 (aka #157) – "Confusion, Italian Style": Ralph is jealous of Alice's guide, not knowing the guide is a little boy.

Mon. June 7, 2010 2a #29 (aka #182) – “Boy Next Door”: Alice, planning a surprise birthday party for Ralph, borrows a cookbook recipe from Trixie. Ralph, discovering the cookbook, finds in it an old love letter written by Ed. He concludes that Ed and Alice are lovers and takes the appropriate actions: following them and telling Trixie. But Trixie just laughs at Ralph, and then she tells him the truth.

3a #30 (aka #183) – “Follow The Boys”: When the wives complain that their husbands don't fuss over them anymore, Ralph and Ed come up with a compromise: one night a week will be "boys' night out," the other nights they will spend with Alice and Trixie. But this is just another scheme that backfires on Ralph, who is planning to wear out the wives on the first night, but overcomes himself with exhaustion instead.

Fri. June 11, 2010 10a & 5p #12 (aka #165) – “Movies Are Better Than Ever”: Ralph treats himself, Alice and the Nortons to the movies for Ed's birthday. Ed's ticket wins the door prize -- a color TV. Ralph declares war on Ed because he paid for the tickets and wants the TV. Eventually they take their case to court but reconcile after hearing Alice's testimony.

Sat. June 12, 2010 2a #47 (aka #200) – “Double Trouble”: Jackie plays a dual role as the Honeymooners check in at scenic Sun Valley, Idaho. A Kramden look alike is passing some bad checks, and the Honeymooners devise their own disguise to track down the culprit.

Sun. June 13, 2010 3a #5 (aka #158) - "The Curse of the Kramdens": Ralph & Ed have to spend the night in the ancestral Kramden castle, which has its very own ghost.

Mon. June 14, 2010 2a #38 (aka #191) – “Play It Again Norton”: The Honeymooners wreck havoc on a cross-country tour. Our two willing but not-so-able boobs (Ralph & Ed) enter a song contest sponsored by movie star Worthington Kenmore (played by Paul Lynde). The prize: $25,000 and a Hollywood trip. The problem: entrants must be under 18.

3a #39 (aka #192) – “Ralph Goes Hollywood”: Bing Crosby, Maureen O'Hara and Bert Parks are the guests as the Honeymooners head for Hollywood to claim their songwriting prize. High jinks include a stay at Maureen's mansion, expense-account living and Ralph's plan to throw a party for Bing. (The role of the "reporter" is played by George Petrie.)

(Famnet):

Fri. June 4, 2010 5p #14 (aka #167) – “Life Upon The Wicked Stage”: Ralph pairs up with Ed and Alice pairs up with Trixie to enter a talent contest. Alice and Trixie win first place and Alice uses her winnings to buy Ralph the expensive fishing gear he's had his eyes on.

Fri. June 11, 2010 5p #15 (aka #168) – “Rififi, Brooklyn Style”: Ralph tries to score points with his boss by collecting money from the drivers at the depot and buying the boss' daughter an elegant watch as a wedding present. Alice and her mother discover the watch and since it's Alice's birthday, jump to the wrong conclusion. Ralph stages a phony holdup to get the watch back but is thwarted when a real crook overhears his scheme.

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

Mon. June 7, 2010 1a (CC) #90 (aka #61) – “Two Men on a Horse (Part One)”: When Ralph loses a large sum of money he was to deposit for the Raccoon Lodge, he and Norton think of ways to make the money back in one day.

1:30a (CC) #91 – “Two Men on a Horse (Part Two)”: Ralph and Norton get a hot tip on a horse and go to the track to place their bet. When the odds on their horse go down, Ralph and Norton scheme to sway the odds in their favor.

Mon. June 14, 2010 1a #034 (aka #130) - "A Man's Pride": Ralph is too proud to tell a seemingly successful old friend that he drives a bus, so he says he "runs things" at the company in the last Honeymooners episode of the "classic 39," which originally ran from 1955 to '56. CLASSIC KRAMDEN- Ralph's reaction to the dinner check.

1:30a #70 (aka #87) - *“Boys and Girls Together”: Alice and Trixie feel that Ralph and Norton do everything together and decide to join them. Ralph and Norton scheme to discourage their wives.

*: This episode has been edited HEAVILY.

Credit goes to zap2it.com, the old honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & John K's Book To The Moon.

Frank Gannucci

06-02-2010, 07:18 AM

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "I didn't empty out your garbage because it is part of my efficency system. Your garbage can was half full. When it's full-full, then I will empty it. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here, save a trip there and it all mounts up."

Ed: "That is what I am afraid of. It's mounting up all over the building."

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Ralph & Alice are eating dinner.)

Ralph (pointing at his food): "What is that?"

Alice: "That is the appetizer."

Ralph: "What?"

Alice: "The appetizer."

Ralph: "I had my appetizer. I drove a bus for eight hours."

"Boys & Girls Together":

Ralph: "Even the Constitution says that we are entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

Ed: "But the marriage license is an amendment to the Constitution."

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man inthis city that's strong enough to do that."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

(Ralph & Alice just got introduced as contestants on "Beat The Clock.")

Bud Collyer (as himself): "Have you lived in Brooklyn all your lives?"

Ralph: "Not yet."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice is in the phone booth. They boys don't know it.)

Ralph: "I'm the one in the faimly with it up here."

(Ralph points to his head.)

Ed: "You got plenty of it down there too."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice wants to buy new furniture.)

Ralph: "Furniture? Furniture? We got furniture."

Alice: "Sure we got furniture. But just because you are a Raccoon doesn't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph? You are my husband."

Ralph: "No, I'm your brother."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Nick: "How about $400 a week."

(Ralph coughs.)

Nick: "$500."

(Ralph coughs more.)

Nick: "$600."

Ralph: "Norton, give me some water."

Ed: "Don't be a dope Ralph. Keep coughing Ralph. You will be a millionaire in no time."

Frank Gannucci

06-03-2010, 07:19 AM

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ralph: "I want you to know Alice that it was pretty lonely here without you."

Trixie: "Oh Ed, why don't you ever talk to me like that?"

Ed: "I would be very happy to if you only would go away every once and a while."

"A Weighty Problem Part One":

Ralph: "For my height, I am four pounds underweight. It says so in the chart."

Alice: "You must have been looking at a chart for a hippotomus."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "How was the anchovy pizza that I made for you Mr. Gleason?"

Jackie: "I don't know. I ate it so fast, I didn't taste it."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ralph & Alice are in the poolroom. The Nortons answer.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed (reading the astrology book): "'Taurus the Bull seldom loses his temper, shows great wisdow in all financial matters and is extremely attractive to the opposite sex.'"

Ralph: "That is me all right."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Junk? Junk Junk? Just watch yourself Alice. This furniture was a wedding present from my grandfather."

Alice: "Yeah to your grandmother."

"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "The governemnt is investigating me."

Alice: "You are not the first person to be investigated by the government."

Ed: "Yeah, the jails are full of them."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "I'm going to make a fortune and I'm going to let you in on the deal."

Ed: "Here we go again."

Ralph: "What kind of crack is that?"

Ed: "I'll tell you what kind of crack that was. You come to me before with things like this before. I can't stand to make a fortune again. I'm going broke."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph walks in as Alice and Trixie are rehearsing their act for the talent show.)

Alice: "We are rehearsing."

Ralph: "For what, The Bellevue Follies?"

Frank Gannucci

06-04-2010, 07:24 AM

Frank Gannucci

06-05-2010, 07:18 AM

“Stars Over Flatbush”:

Ralph: “The horoscope is bigger than I am.”

Alice: “Nothing is bigger than you are.”

“The Man From Space”:

Ralph: “If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side.”

Ed: “When you walk down a street, there AIN’T no other side.”

“Please Leave The Premises”:

Ralph: “What I say goes.”

Alice: “Then you better say Alice because I am going.”

“Oh My Aching Back”:

(Ralph tries to stand up straight with his bad back. He looks terrible.)

Ralph: “Does this look natural?”

Ed: “Like the Leaning Tower of Pizza.”

“A Weighty Problem Part 1”:

Ralph: “For your information, I am four pound underweight. It says so in the chart.”

Alice: “You must have been looking at a chart for a hippo.”

“A Weighty Problem Part 1”:

Ralph: “I can’t find the report.”

Ed: “Maybe you ate it.”

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "What did you used to call your dad?"

Ed: "Long distance."

"The Main Event":

Dynamite: "I need a manager. Someone who will give fights."

Ed: "Why don't you get the guy you KOed in 12 seconds?"

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "You are going to say: `Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts.'"

Ralph: "Don't worry."

(The butler comes in and Ralph thinks it is Uncle Howard.)

Ralph: "Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts."

"Sun & Fun & The Raccoon Capital":

(Ralph is trying to get into his uniform…his pants are too big. In the storyline, [and Jackie in real life, of course] he lost weight.)

Ralph: "If I go out in these, I will be a laughing stock."

Ed: "If you don't, you will get a few laughs too."

Frank Gannucci

06-06-2010, 07:18 AM

"Hawaii! Oh! Oh!":

(After Ralph threatens that he and Ed are going to jump out the hotel window if the wives don't give them the money, Ed accidentally falls out.)

Ed: "I forgot. We are on the ground floor."

Ralph: "You don't know how to fall correctly."

Ed: "I would if we were on the 15th floor."

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "I want to do the things that young people do. That is what keeps you young."

Ralph: "You want to do things that young people do? Let's play games that young people play. Let's play 'House.' You'll be the mommy and I'll be the poppy. All right mommy - CLEAN UP!"

"Brother-In-Law":

Frank: "Hey Ralph, are you going to eat your soup?"

Ralph: "I'm not hungry."

Frank (about to grab the soup): "Well, I hate to see anything go to waste."

Ralph (taking the soup): "I just got hungry."

"My Fair Landlord":

(Ralph has just complained to Mr. Olsen that he does nothing for the apartment building. Ralph leaves.)

Mr. Olsen: "Your husband has got a lot of nerve saying that to me Mrs. Kramden. I do plenty around here. Last night, I was up until midnight waxing the stairs..."

Ralph (falling down the stairs, yells): "DUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "When the girls get here, I want them to get a good impression. So keep your mouth shut."

Ed: "If you want them to have a good impression, keep the door shut."

"In Twenty-Five Words or Less":

Ed: "Hey, why don't you name the dog 'Ralph'?"

Ralph: "'Ralph?'"

Ed: "Yeah, that way not only people can call him, dogs can call him. Ralph. Ralph."

(Ed makes barking sounds.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Cupid Part 1":

Ed: "Is Ralph home?"

Alice: "No."

Ed: "He must be out with some blonde."

"The Safety Award":

Ralph: "A group of men are picked to do a job, trained in the same fashion as each other, and there's always one man in the group that stands out far in front of the others."

Ed: "If you stood out any more in front you wouldn't be able to get behind the wheel of a bus!"

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: (going to play the coronet) "I dont know if I rememeber this song I got the music right here."

Alice : "Stand back Ed this is liable to be messy."

Ralph: "You're liable to be messy in a about 5 seconds from now!!"

powbangzooom

06-06-2010, 01:26 PM

Because I grew up with the Lost Episodes and Classic 39, I never even knew about the Miami Beach episodes until a few years ago. I bought the 1st box set when it was released and at first I thought that it was depressing because Gleason and Carney were no longer in their prime.

Recently, I started to watch a few episodes because my friend Ralph keeps talking about them. I am sooooo glad that I gave them another look-see because I am really enjoying these shows.

Yesterday, I watched "Be It Ever So Humble". It was so hilarious when Norton is requesting the colors for his apartment. Although many of the lines are the same as the Lost shows, they seem to change it just enough to make it more interesting.

So far I have only watched a handful of episodes and Carney really seems to shine with his amazing performances. Not that Gleason isn't a master performer, but I enjoy Carney a little more.

Special thanks to my friend Ralphie boy for encouraging me to watch these shows. He's a sweet kid.

Frank Gannucci

06-07-2010, 07:20 AM

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Trixie: "I don't know how Ed can become unconscious so fast."

Ralph: "He has got a pretty good head start."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Trixie: "Any mistake Ed has made, Ralph ahs talked him into."

Ralph: "I didn't talk him into marrying you, did I?"

"King of The Castle":

(Ralph explains to Ed that one time Alice wanted him to come home, but Ralph didn't.)

Ralph: "I showed her whose boss."

Ed: "What happened when you came home?"

Ralph: "Never mind about that."

"King of The Castle":

Ed: "You should write in the paper :'I Ralph Kramden, do not assume the debts of Alice Kramden.'"

Ralph: "It won't work. I tried that the day after we were married. "

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "I don't mind if Stanley eats like a garbage disposal, I just don't want him to sound like one."

Alice: "He has false teeth."

Ralph: "I know why. He wore out his real ones eating."

"Expectant Dad":

Ed: "When my son graduates from college and is ready to face the world, I will get him a job with me in the sewer."

Ralph: "When your son graduates from college, you are going to get him a job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Well certainly. The sewer accepts college grads."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Alice: "You haven't touched this cornette in years."

Ralph: "I want to keep it."

Ed: "He has a point Alice. He hasn't seen his toes in years and he still wants to keep them."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph (sarcastically): "I hope you realize that water always recedes it's level."

Ed: "Yeah, we heard rumors to that effect down in the sewer."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Mrs. Manicotti: "But Mr. Kramden, it is fun."

(She does the mambo.)

Ralph: "And you, at your age, ought to be ashamed of yourself."

Frank Gannucci

06-08-2010, 07:16 AM

Frank Gannucci

06-08-2010, 07:16 AM

Frank Gannucci

06-09-2010, 07:21 AM

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "I didn't empty out your garbage because it is part of my efficency system. Your garbage can was half full. When it's full-full, then I will empty it. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here, save a trip there and it all mounts up."

Ed: "That is what I am afraid of. It's mounting up all over the building."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "One hand washes the other while both hands wash the face."

Ed: "Just get me water. I know how to wash."

"Head of The House":

(Ralph just told the newspaper's questioning photographer to print him saying that the husband is the boss of the house.)

Ralph: "I'm a horse. You are a mouse."

Ed: "Let me say this. I rather be a live mouse then a dead horse."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph is playing poker. One of the boys, Sullivan left and is waiting for a bus.)

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "HEY KRAMDEN, CUT OUT THE NOISE."

Ralph: "That's that crab Garrity from upstairs."

(Ralph goes to the window, opens it up and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO SLEEP? THIS IS AMERICA. A FREE
COUNTRY."

(Ralph puts his head back in the place.)

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "HEY KRAMDEN! HEY KRAMDEN!"

(Ralph sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

(Garrity douses Ralph with water. Everyone in the room laughs.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP! YOU SHUT UP TOO DOWN THERE."

Ed: "Who are you yelling at now Ralph?"

Ralph: "Sullivan. He's waiting for the bus."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph is playing poker with his friends.)

Ralph: "We said that we were going to quit at 12 and it's 2am already."

Man: "Why didn't we quit at 12?"

Ed: "Ralph was losing then."

"Ralph's Diet":

(Ralph gets on the scale.)

Ralph: "I don't need to diet anymore. I lost a pound."

Alice: "Ralph, when you lose a pound, it's like Bayoone losing a mosquito."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a much smarter guy than I am."

Alice's Mom: "So you admit it."

Ralph: "Sure. He took one look at you and refused to marry her."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice is in the phone booth. They boys don't know it.)

Ralph: "I'm the one in the faimly with it up here."

(Ralph points to his head.)

Ed: "You got plenty of it down there too."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice wants to buy new furniture.)

Ralph: "Furniture? Furniture? We got furniture."

Alice: "Sure we got furniture. But just because you are a Raccoon doesn't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

Frank Gannucci

06-10-2010, 07:18 AM

Frank Gannucci

06-11-2010, 07:27 AM

Frank Gannucci

06-11-2010, 07:27 AM

Frank Gannucci

06-12-2010, 07:22 AM

Frank Gannucci

06-14-2010, 07:17 AM

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "How can I get there as fast as you?"

Ed: "Take off 90 pounds."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Move Uptown":

Ed: "I would like to drink you a farewell toast."

Ralph: "You know that is awafully nice of you Norton. I would like to have a toast with you."

Ed: "Good. Got any wine around the house?"

"$99,000 Answer":

Ralph: "$600! Peanuts, peanuts. What am I going to do with peanuts?"

Alice: "Eat 'em like any other elephant."

"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What is it you do for a living?"

Ralph: "I brive a dus."

Herb: "You brive a dus."

Ralph: "A dus I brive."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "'Be kind to the people you meet on the way up because you are going to meet the same type of people on the way down.'"

Ed: "That's nice Ralph. 'Be kind to the people you meet on the way up because you are going to meet the same type of people on the way down.' Happens to me every day in the sewer."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "You want my salary to leak out?"

Alice: "Your salary couldn't even drip out."

"You're In The Picture":

Ralph: "I cut myself shaving this morning."

Alice: "You cut yourself shaving and you are only now starting to bleed?"

Ed: "That's understandable. With the way Ralph is built, it takes a long time for his blood to reach the surface."

"Without Reservations":

(All of them are in the broken-down hotel.)

Ralph: "We can knock down those cobwebs."

Alice: "I wouldn't do that. I think that they are holding up the wall."

Frank Gannucci

06-15-2010, 07:19 AM

(ALN):

(AmericanLife also has an OnDemand Service. This show might be one of the shows to watch.)

TV-G

All times are Eastern.

All color episodes are one hour.

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Shelia MacRae as Alice Kramden. Jean Kean as Trixie Norton.

Fri. June 18, 2010 10a & 5p #14 (aka #167) – “Life Upon The Wicked Stage”: Ralph pairs up with Ed and Alice pairs up with Trixie to enter a talent contest. Alice and Trixie win first place and Alice uses her winnings to buy Ralph the expensive fishing gear he's had his eyes on.

Sat. June 19, 2010 2a #49 (aka #202) – “We’re Off To See The Wizard”: The Honeymooners' Mardi Gras celebration turns typically topsy-turvy. A hotel mix-up leads the foursome to Emma (Doro Merande), Norton's very-distant relative. Emma, a phony spiritualist, takes them in -- then in a séance tries to take Ralph in again.

Sun. June 20, 2010 3a #6 (aka #159) – “The Mod Couple” (aka "The Honeymooners in England"): The Kramdens & Nortons appear in a Flakey Wakey commercial on an English TV show. Ralph makes a fool of himself and Ed accidentally overturns a piano. The Kramdens flee London in shame but are invited back because the audience loved the commercial.

Mon. June 21, 2010 2a #40 (aka #193) – “The Mexican Hat Trick”: Carol Lawrence and the Baja Marimba Band guests as the Honeymooners head for colorful Mexico. Mix-ups include a rendezvous between the alluring El Lobo (Carol) and Ralph; a run-in with the bandits Jenkins (Jesse White) and Pedro (Phil Leeds); and the kidnapping of Alice and Trixie.

3a #41 (aka #194) – “Case of The Cuckoo Thief”: Joining the Honeymooners: Oscar winner George Chakiris ("A Chorus Line"). A Hollywood shopping spree turns chaotic when shoplifter Mousey the Dip (George) uses Alice as his unwitting accomplice.

Fri. June 25, 2010 10a & 5p #19 (aka #172) – “Be It Ever So Humble”: Rather than pay a $5 rent increase, Ralph buys a duplex in the country and takes the Nortons as his tenants. He forces them to sign a 99-year lease. But he is a negligent superintendent, and the Nortons attempt to break the lease with a 3:00 A.M. party and a firecracker in Ralph's fireplace.

Sat. June 26, 2010 2a #50 (aka #203) – “Operation Protest”: Ralph gets his big break when he becomes public-relations director for his bus company. But joy may be short-lived: guess which bus company Alice's protester-nephew is picketing.
Sun. June 27, 2010 3a #7 (aka #160) - "You're in the Picture":* Blackmailers fake a hanky-panky photo of Ralph in Madrid, and for once, Alice is jealous.

Mon. June 28, 2010 2a #42 (aka #195) - “The Honeymoon Is Over”: Mike Douglas guests as the Honeymooners are invited to plug the prize-winning song on Mike's show. And what a show it is: Ralph and Alice have an on-camera tiff that gets everyone into the act.

3a #43 (aka #196) – “Happiness Is a Rich Uncle”: Joey Heatherton guests as the go-go girl sweetheart of Alice's Uncle Howard (David Burns), an 83 year-old millionaire. Suspicious that she's gone-gone over Howard's gold, the Honeymooners decide to put Emily to the test -- with suave Norton as bait.

(Famnet):

Fri. June 18, 2010 5p #16 (aka #169) – “Ralph Kramden Presents”: Ralph is asked to invite his celebrity friend that he always brags about, Jackie Gleason, to the annual Raccoons dance. In desperation, Ralph & Ed go over to the hotel that Gleason is staying to try to get him to come. Ralph gets to speak to Carney and Ed gets to speak to Gleason but in the confusion, nobody is invited to the dance. Alice promises Gleason the recipe for her anchovy pizza and he shows up at the dance.

Fri. June 25, 2010 5p #17 (aka #170) – “Flushing Ho”: The Kramdens and Nortons, unable to make ends meet around tax time, decide to move to a large two-bedroom apartment in Flushing and split all expenses. The plan fails when Ralph complains of a dwindling food supply and insufficient time in the bathroom, so they all pack up and move back to Chauncey Street.

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

Mon. June 21, 2010 1a #010 (aka #101) - "Hello Mom": Ralph and Alice Kramden (Jackie Gleason, Audrey Meadows) squabble over the impending arrival of Ralph's mother-in-law in this classic, and ultimately touching, episode. The king is told that his castle is soon to be invaded by Alice's mom. Ralph painfully remembers how his mother-in-law said at his wedding, "I'm not losing a daughter, I'm gaining a ton," and refuses to let her visit. But when Alice stands up to him and insists her mother's coming, Ralph decides to move in with the Nortons until the visit's over. Humor and poignancy meet in a conclusion that once again shows Alice, who sees beyond Ralph's insecurities, to be the bigger person.

1:30a (CC) #59 (aka #85) - *“One Big Happy Family”: In an effort to save money, Ralph and Ed decide to share an apartment. But life is not so sweet with Ralph and Alice and Ed and Trixie all under the same roof.

Mon. June 28, 2010 1a (CC) #52 (aka #62) – “Goodbye Aunt Ethel (Part One)”: Ralph must sleep on a cot in the kitchen when Alice's Aunt Ethel comes to visit. Ralph pretends he has a bad back to force her out, but Aunt Ethel stays to nurse Ralph back to health.

1:30a (CC) #53 – “Goodbye Aunt Ethel (Part Two)”: Ralph and Ed introduce Aunt Ethel to the neighborhood butcher, hoping the two will get married and Aunt Ethel will leave.

*: This episode has been edited HEAVILY.

Credit goes to zap2it.com, the old honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & John K's Book To The Moon.

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "I have always been lucky at contests. Remember last year at Harry's Grove when I won the clam eating contest?"

Alice (from bedroom): "Yeah?"

Ralph: "I got $5 from that. $5."

Alice (coming out of the bedroom): "You sure did and you spent $7 on Alka-Seltzer."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ed: "Suppose they don't give me the promotion?"

Ralph: "Then you scare them. Tell them that after 17 years in the sewer, you are finally washing your hands of the whole thing."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "I'm going to squeeze Mr. Marshall. He is in no position to squeeze me."

Alice: "Of course not. He couldn't even get his arms around you."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ed puts a lit match near the thermometer.)

Ed: 'Hey Ralph, what is a normal temperature, around 98 isn't it?"

Ralph: "98.6."

Ed: "What would you say a bad temperature is?"

Ralph: "102. 103. What is it Norton? What is my temperature?"

(A pause.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT IS MY TEMPERATURE NORTON?"

Ed (starting to cry, yells): "111."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I have flipped huh? Well, for your information Norton is my partner."

Alice: "Well, if you flip, it's always nice to have company."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ralph: "You know it was pretty lonely here without you Alice."

Trixie: "Oh Ed, why can't you talk to me like that?"

Ed: "I would be happy too if you only go away every once and a while."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ed: "Now give me the $5."

Ralph (making a fist in an angry fashion): "You want five? I will give you five right now."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph and Ed rehearse their mind-reading act in which Ralph will hold up an object while Ed tries to guess it with the help of Ralph's clue while he can't see. Ed's eyes are closed while Ralph holds up a watch.)

Ralph: "Watch out for this, o' swami."

Ed: "What's the clue?"

"Bride's Nephew":

Ed: "If you want to get rid of Aunt Ethel, why don't you stick your head out the window and yell: 'Fire!'"

Ralph: "How about the rest of the people in the building? They will think that it's on fire for real."

Ed: "Then you yell: 'Fire, Aunt Ethel.'"

Frank Gannucci

06-16-2010, 07:19 AM

"A Man's Pride":

Alice: "Why can't we go to the Colonade Room?"

Ralph: "Name me one truck driver who eats there?"

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Trixie just said that she saw you on the show."

Ralph: "What did she think of me?"

Alice: "Well, she said that you are the biggest thing on TV."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Are you sure that you can type faster than me?"

Ed: "With boxing gloves on."

"One Big Happy Family":

Alice: "One morning, Ed will use the bathroom first. The next morning, you will use the bathroom first."

Ralph: "Well, that solves my whole problem. Now, I will only be late every OTHER day."

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are playing pinball.)

Ed: "You can still come up empty you know."

Ralph: "The only thing empty around here is your head."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "You want my salary to leak out?"

Alice: "Your salary coundn't even drip out."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Jackie Gleason is down at that Fun & Sun Capital of the World."

Ed: "What is he doing down in Perth Amboy?"

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

(Barney Hackett shows off his gang to Ralph & Ed.)

Barney: "These are my boys."

Ralph: "Lovely family."

"Love Letter":

Ralph: "What was she (Trixie) holding behind her back?"

Alice: "Ralph, really it was nothing."

Ralph: "Alice, you don't hold nothing behind your back. You show it out in front so everybody can see it. Now, what was she holding behind her back."

Alice: "All right. She was hiding your birthday present."

Ralph: "Why did you tell me for? You know I like surprises."

Frank Gannucci

06-17-2010, 07:12 PM

(Ralph & Alice are waiting for Alice's parents at a diner. Ralph is upset.)

Ralph: "I can't believe this Alice. This is the one day I have off and I have to spend it with your parents. I don't mind your father so much, but your mother..."

Alice: "Ralph, you can be nice to them for a few hours. After all, I would do the same thing if your parents were here."

Ralph: "All right. But, if your mother calls me fat, somebody is going to get KOed."

(Alice parents come by.)

Alice: "Mother. Father. Happy Father's Day Dad."

Alice's Dad: "Hello Alice!"

Alice's Mom: "Hello Alice!"

(They all hug.)

Alice's Mom: "I see that you got Ralph. I hope he doesn't eat all the food."

Ralph (under his breath): "Just one swing."

(They all go inside and sit down in a booth.)

Alice: "Did you have a nice Father's Day Dad?"

Alice's Dad: "I sure did Alice. By they way Ralph, there was one bus that I wanted to get on the other day and it was raining. I made a gesture for the bus to stop at my bus stop and instead of stopping, the bus driver drove past me, went into a puddle and got me all wet."

Ralph: "Was that you?"

Alice's Mom: "See, I told you that he's good for nothing. He didn't even invite his parents to have dinner with us and celebrate Father's Day with us."

Alice: "Wait a minute Mom! Ralph's parents come by on Saturday and we celebrated Father's Day, a day early, with them. We went to the Colonade Room. It was Ralph's idea and he paid the check."

Ralph: "Yes, I told my Dad: 'Now, wait a minute Dad. I insist that I pay the check.' I even gave him tickets to see the Yankees play those BUM Boston Red Sox."

Alice: "He even chipped in for my Dad's gift."

Alice's Mom: "I'm sorry."

Alice's Dad: "Thank you Ralph."

Ralph: "Its just a shame that I never got to be a real Dad. I would be a great role model for our son and/or daughter. I would be a big person to them. Outside and inside. Ha ha ha."

(They all sing a song about Father's Day.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Folks, I just want to wish a great Father's Day to all the Dads out there."

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "On a side note though, I am sure that you heard that Lebron James's contract with the Cavs is up and I was hoping that the Heat would get him. I would have made a pitch to Lebron that goes like this: 'Come on Lebron. Come to Miami because here you will know that a Miami audience is the GREATEST audience in the world.' GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE."

(Audience cheers.)

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "You are the type that would bend way over and pick up a pocketbook on April Fool's Day. I wouldn't."

Alice: "You couldn't."

"Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "You don't think I'm crazy."

(Ralph sits down and hits his knee with a hammer. He thinks that his leg that has the knee cap that he hit should go up.)

Ralph: "That proves that I am crazy."

Alice: "It sure does."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The Great Fatchoomara is about to hypnotize Alice so Alice can reveal where she hid the money that Ralph is planning to use on the Raccoon convention.)

Ralph (to the G.F.): "You might think that this is a little underhanded. But, all's fair in love and war."

Ed: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "You know, I don't have the greatest education in the world. I only went to the 6th grade. I should have continued on. I should have went to high school and thru college. That wouldn't have done any good. That would have made things worse."

Alice: "What do you mean?"

Ralph: "How do you think I would feel as a college graduate being fired from a bus company?"

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that is strong enough to do that."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "Do you care if I waste away?"

Alice: "Sure I do Ralph. But you wouldn't waste away if you stayed awake for nine years."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph (yells): "I AM NOT MISSING THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

Alice (yells): "LISTEN. YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR AND YOU WILL BE IN THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "You are going to say: `Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts.'"

Ralph: "Don't worry."

(The butler comes in and Ralph thinks it is Uncle Howard.)

Ralph: "Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts."

"Sun & Fun & The Raccoon Capital":

(Ralph is trying to get into his uniform…his pants are too big. In the storyline, [and Jackie in real life, of course] he lost weight.)

Ralph: "If I go out in these, I will be a laughing stock."

Ed: "If you don't, you will get a few laughs too."

Frank Gannucci

06-18-2010, 07:20 AM

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice is in the phone booth. They boys don't know it.)

Ralph: "I'm the one in the family with it up here."

(Ralph points to his head.)

Ed: "You got plenty of it down there too."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice wants to buy new furniture.)

Ralph: "Furniture? Furniture? We got furniture."

Alice: "Sure we got furniture. But just because you are a Raccoon doesn't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ed: "I can get you a job with me down the sewer. All you have to do is pass the test."

Ralph: "What test is that?"

Ed: "Can you float?"

"Move Uptown":

Ralph: "Where's Norton? We have to unload the trailor."

Trixie: "I don't know."

(Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bang! Boom!)

(Ed comes out with a lot of pots and pans attached on him.)

Ralph: "What's the matter with you?"

Ed: "Shhh."

Ralph: "Don't 'shh' me."

Trixie: "Did you hurt yourself?"

Ed: "No, I didn't. Luckily, the pots and pans broke my fall."

"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):

Alice: "I got Ralph a new belt. I want to make sure it fits."

Trixie: "If it doesn't, you can always exchange it for a larger size."

Alice: "There ain't no larger size."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "Don't take any pictures of Dr. Norton. He's very modest."

Ed: "I wouldn't mind a few pictures."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a much smarter guy than I am."

Alice's Mom: "So you admit it."

Ralph: "Sure. He took one look at you and refused to marry her."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I would say that after listening to that motor there that the amateor sprocket is casuing interference which in turn causes the combustion line to interfere with the flow in the dynaflow."

Ralph: "Now what does that mean?"

Ed: "I don't know."

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Alice has cooked up a nice candlelight romantic dinner for Ralph. The lights are turned off. Ralph comes in.)

Alice: "Hello Ralph."

Ralph: "So, you forgot to pay the electric bill, huh?"

Frank Gannucci

06-19-2010, 07:27 AM

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "Ed, you didn't get the job of sewer inspector."

Ed: "No, I washed out."

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that is strong enough to do that."

"Young At Heart":

(Ralph has just said that he has a lot of memories that is attached to his cornette.)

Ralph: "What is a sock doing in my cornette?"

Alice: "It must be one of those tender memories that is attached to it."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "Face it Alice. You are living off the fat of the land."

Alice: "Face it Ralph. You ARE the fat of the land."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "I have an itch."

Alice: "Scratch it yourself."

Ralph: "I can't reach it."

Alice: "Well, you are Taurus the Bull. Swipe at it with your tail."

"Double Trouble":

Alice: "There are two Ralphs."

Ed: "You mean that all the weight Ralph lost last year made another Ralph?"

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "I'm a failure."

Ed: "I could have told you that ten years ago."

"Checkup":

Ed: "Has there been anything you wanted to look inside that didn't belong to you?"

Ralph: "Yes. Your head."

"You're In The Picture":

Ed: "Did you really cut yourself shaving?"

Ralph: "Of course not."

Ed: "Oh, you dog you. You have been eating pizza again."

Frank Gannucci

06-20-2010, 07:14 AM

"Here Comes The Bride":

Alice: "Ralph, how could you talk like that. Agnes had plenty of chances. Stanley wasn't the only one who wanted her to get married. There were plenty of others!!"

Ralph: "Sure there were others. I can think of three myself: her mother, the father & the caterer."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ralph is making a reference to him being caught between two pipes.)

Ralph: "It wasn't my fault Alice. It wasn't my fault."

Alice: "No, it wasn't your fault Ralph. It wasn't your fault at all. You were just doing your impression of two pounds of bologna in a one pound bag."

"Funny Money":

Alice's Mom: "By the way Sonny Boy, Father's back has been giving him a lot of trouble lately. A trip to Florida would do him good and the fare's only $100."

Ralph: "Ah ha! So that's what you came over for. $100. You got some case."

Alice's Mom: "Oh no! That has nothing to do with it and besides what's $100 to a man like you?"

Ed: "Why of course. Just a little while ago, he gave the repairman $100 to get the clicking out of the phone."

Ralph: "Well, I guess you're right. What's $100? Just a mere bag of shells." (taking the "money" out): "All right." (giving her the money): "Here you are. Send the old man down to Florida."

Alice's Mom: "You know, I hate to send Father alone. He really ought..."

Ralph: "Oh no. You got $100. Be glad you got that or I will take that back."

Alice's Mom: "Well, I guess when Father's away, I'll stay here with you and Alice."

Ralph: "Wait a minute. Here's the other $100."

"Quiz Show":

Ralph: "Your father would have been beautiful answering those questions."

Alice: "And just what makes you think he couldn't?"

Ralph: "All I know is that your mother has been asking him the same question for a long time and he hasn't been able to answer yet."

Alice: "What is that question?"

Ralph: "Why don't you get a job?"

"The Prowler":

(A prowler is in the building.)

Alice: "I don't want to stay in here awake all by myself."

Ralph: "Why don't you get your mother? She knows what it's like to have people coming into her house in the middle of the night. Ask your father."

"The Adoption":

Ralph: "I was named after my father. They used to call us 'Big' & 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your father, 'Little' Ralph?"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed is hypnotized. He sees Ralph.)

Ed: "Look out. There's a whale in the sewer. It's Moby Dick."

Ralph: "If he wasn't under a spell, I would fracture his skull."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

(Barney introduces his gang members to Ralph & Ed.)

Barney Hackett: "These are my boys."

Ralph: "Lovely family."

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

(Ralph got out of bed to give Ed a cigarette. Ralph goes back to bed.)

Ralph: "Aren't you going to smoke that cigarette?"

Ed: "This isn't for now. It's for the first thing in the morning."

Happy Father's Day!

Frank Gannucci

06-21-2010, 07:19 AM

"Love Letter":

Ralph: "What was she (Trixie) holding behind her back?"

Alice: "Ralph, really it was nothing."

Ralph: "Alice, you don't hold nothing behind your back. You show it out in front so everybody can see it. Now, what was she holding behind her back."

Alice: "All right. She was hiding your birthday present."

Ralph: "Why did you tell me for? You know I like surprises."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "Where is the landlord?"

Man: "Florida."

Ralph: "Florida?"

Man: "He can't stand this cold weather."

"Pal O' Mine":

(Ed just showed the ring that he is going to give to his boss, Jim McKeever.)

Alice: "Why didn't you get the store where you got this from to gift-wrap it for you?"

Ed: "Oh, they got some silly rule down there. 'No gift-wrapping for any purchase less than $3."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "That phone is for you-you-you."

(The phone rings. Alice picks it up.)

Alice: "Hello?" (slightly poking Ralph with the receiver): "It's for you-you-you."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph and Ed arrive in the Kramdens apartment. Ralph thinks that Alice is asleep in the bedroom.)

Ralph (whispering): "Shhh! Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What's that Ralph?"

Ralph (whispering): "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shhh! Alice is asleep.'"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "There is no spot to small for me to get out of."

Ed: "Then how come I am always the one making the calls in the phone booth?"

"Hot Dog Stand":

(Ralph wants money so he can get the hot dog stand. Alice has repeatedly said no. Ralph isn't giving up.)

Ralph: "Will you let me have it? Will you let me have it?"

Alice (mockingly): "Will you let me have it? Will you let me have it?"

Ralph: "Boy, I would love to let you have it."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph is about to sit on Ed's toy boat and he doesn't know it. Ed tries to warn him.)

Ed: "Ralph..."

Ralph: "Don't talk to me. I'm not talking to you."

Ed: "Ralph..."

Ralph: "Shut up!"

Ralph (sitting on the toy boat, yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Frank Gannucci

06-22-2010, 07:18 AM

"Hot Dog Stand" & "Principle of The Thing":

Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute necessity?"

Ralph: "I sure do. You can't bowl without one."

"Hot Dog Stand":

(Ed hands a man a hot dog to eat.)

Ralph: "By the way I look, you wouldn't know that I was driving a bus yesterday."

Man: "Oh."

Ed: "I was working in the sewer."

(The man stops himself from eating.)

Man: "Funny. I'm not hungry anymore."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ed: "Ralph, I think I got a splinter from sitting on this bench."

Ralph: "Stay there."

"A Dog's Life":

Ed: "How about we call the food: 'Kramden's Delicious Marshall'?"

Ralph: "Marshall? What kind of stuff is Marshall?"

Ed: "Well, we don't know what this food is. We might as well call it Marshall."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "One hand washes the other while both hands wash the face."

Ed: "Never mind that. Just get me the water. I know how to wash."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "I am just like Washington at Valley Forge."

Alice: "Not exasctly Ralph. George didn't have Martha with him."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ed: "Lately Trixie's Mom has been hounding me. 'Why don't you buy Trixie a new stove?' 'Why don't you get Trixie new clothes?' So, when I get my half of that $200, I will be happy."

Ralph: "You are going to use that money to get Trixie all that stuff?"

Ed: "No. I am going to use it to go to Miami Beach and get away from Trixie's old lady."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Alice accidentally throws her pool cue.)

Alice: "I guess I wasn't supposed to do that."

Ralph: "What was that?"

Alice: "I guess I wasn't supposed to do that, wasn't I?"

Ralph: "Not if we are playing pool, but if we are javelin throwing we are."

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

(The Nortons arrive at the poolroom.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I could tell them where to look."

Frank Gannucci

06-23-2010, 07:14 AM

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down a street, there ain't no other side."

"The Babysitter":

(Ralph & Ed are at a barber shop. Ed uses some of the barber's tools.)

Ralph: "Don't you realize that this is man's place of business? How would you like it if some person went to where you work and helped himself to whatever he could find?"

Ed: "Help himself to what?"

"Finders Keepers":

(Ed just beat Ralph at pinball. Because of that, Ed won the box of Italina Creams.)

Ed: "Ralph, we have been friends too long to let a box of Italian Creams to come between us. So, what I am going to do is take this home, Trixie will have the bottom half, Alice will have the top layer, and the box, which is suitable for framming, is yours."

Ralph: "Why don't you shut up?"

"Box Top Kid Part 1":

(Ralph is making Ed write a letter saying how Flakey Wakey has made him thin.)

Ralph: "'Before I started eating Flakey Wakey, I weighed 250 pounds. I now weigh...'"

Ed: "'260 pounds.'"

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in New York City that is strong enough to do that."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "Talk is cheap."

Alice: "It must be or you would have never opened your mouth."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "At last, I have a bathtub that I can be comfy in."

Alice: "What did you order, a round one?"

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "The Nortons had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a much smarter guy than I am."

Alice's Mom: "So you admit it."

Ralph: "Sure. He took one look at you and refused to marry her."

Frank Gannucci

06-24-2010, 07:23 AM

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I'm making a list of all my weak points."

Ed: "Oh, is that all the paper you are going to use?"

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "You are supposed to waddle like a duck."

Ralph: "How can I do that?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"Pal O' Mine":

Ralph: "Is there any lard around here?"

Alice: "Yeah. about 300 lbs. of it."

"Finders Keepers":

Ed: "You can still come up empty you know."

Ralph: "The only thing that is empty around here is your head."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ed: "A doctor told me that I had a split-personality. I was two people. One was Ed Norton, the gay-carefree-man-about-town and the other Ed Norton was the sober serious-minded thinker."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "Oh, I got cured. I got cured. I am now one person. I am Ed Norton, the sober, serious-minded thinker."

"A Little Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "I got news for you Alice. Big news. Your husband is crazy."

Alice: "Okay. So what's the big news?"

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "I would have been a jockey, but I was a little too heavy."

Alice: "A little too heavy? You are too fat to be a horse Ralph."

"The Main Event":

(Ralph is sparing with Ed.)

Ed: "Cover your face. Cover your face. Cover your face."

(Ralph covers his face. Ed hits him in the stomach.)

Ralph
(yells): "ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!...WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!...OWWWWWWWWW! WHY DID YOU HIT ME IN THE STOMACH WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO COVER MY FACE?"

Ed (yells): "I WAS SHOWING DYNAMITE NOT TO TRUST ANYBODY IN THE RING."

"Boy Next Door":

Ralph: "My dad once said this: 'For one of a sock, a shoe was lost. For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a war was lost. For one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost.'"

Alice: "Yeah? Why don't you get lost?"

Frank Gannucci

06-25-2010, 07:25 AM

Frank Gannucci

06-26-2010, 07:35 AM

"Please Leave The Premises":

(Ralph & Alice are fighting the rent increase by doing without heat, gas, water & electricity. Alice wants to leave.)

Ralph: "I'm the General. What I say goes."

Alice: "Than you better say Alice because I am going."

"Man From Space":

Ralph: "You are not up on the latest developments."

Alice: "I'm not? Who is it that lets your pants out every week?"

"Hero Part 1":

(Ralph opens a can of turpinetine. Tommy is amazed.)

Tommy: "That proves that I am right."

Ralph: "Right about what?"

Tommy: "Well, I say that it is all muscle. But, all my friends say that you are a big load of fat."

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in their uniforms. Ed's bellhop uniform is too tight.)

Ralph: "Are there any questions?"

Ed: "Yes, how do I get out of this chicken outfit?"

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that is very encouraging that you sold to your last customer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you finally hit on the right approach. Now, do you remember what you said?"

Ed: "Sure. I said: `Mama, you just go to buy this iron.'"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph is dressed up as a hola girl. Trixie is dressed up as a sailor. They are rehearsing for a talent contest. Ralph comes in.)

Ralph: "What are you doing and who is he?"

Alice: "That's Trixie."

Ralph (to Trixie): "All right. What are you doing and who is she (Alice)?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "My mother had an offer to appear in silent pictures but she turned that down."

Ralph: "For your information, the reason why she did that was because she couldn't keep silent."

"Principle of The Thing":

(The Kramdens have no water. Ed tries to listen to the pipes with a stethoscope to see what the trouble is.)

Ed: "There is your trouble right there. No water."

Ralph: "Did you hear that? He said no water. There's an intelligent man who has spent practically his entire life in the swer and believe you me when he says that there is no water, there is no water." (yells): "I KNOW THERE IS NO WATER."

Ed: "Now you are getting it from the expert's mouth."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "I think the wallpaper is pretty. Alice thinks it is rotten. What do you think?"

(Ed looks at it.)

Ed: "I think that you are both right. It's pretty rotten."

Frank Gannucci

06-27-2010, 07:06 AM

"Alice & The Blonde":

Trixie: "On the bus, there was two empty seats. Who takes those two empty seats?"

Alice: "Ralph."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis and I'm the treasurer Alice. I'm responsible. Do you know what happens if the lodge doesn't get any more money? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be. Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah. Rela estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

(Ralph thinks that Phil is seeing Alice behind his back.)

Phil: "Too bad there aren't more Alices to go around."

Ralph: "This one gets around pretty good."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

(Alice looks at the letter that Ralph claims says that he will die. She laughs because it's for her mom's dog, Ginger.)

Alice: "This is a riot!"

Ralph: "This is a riot? We will see how much of a riot it is when you have to finish the payments on the ice box."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "It just so happens that your husband is Taurus the Bull. Now what do you have to say about that?"

Alice: "Moooooo."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "You should hear what my horoscope said."

Ralph: "What did it say?"

Ed: "'Be sure to throw yourself into your work.'"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ed: "Remember last year at the Raccoon Convention in New York where the police where cracking down on people who were throwing water bags out of the hotel windows? That didn't stop me. I just filled up the bags with water and threw them out my hotel window."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Ralph: "$600. I don't know what to do first."

Ed: "I do."

Ralph: "What is that?"

Ed: "I wouldn't tell Trixie."

"Hair To A Fortune":

(Ed is reading the bottles.)

Ed: "Here's another one. 'Oliveoil.'"

Ralph: "'Oliveoil?'" (yells): "THAT'S OLIVE OIL."

Frank Gannucci

06-28-2010, 07:19 AM

Frank Gannucci

06-29-2010, 07:20 AM

(ALN):

(AmericanLife also has an OnDemand Service. This show might be one of the shows to watch.)

TV-G

All times are Eastern.

All color episodes are one hour.

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Shelia MacRae as Alice Kramden. Jean Kean as Trixie Norton.

Fri. July 2, 2010 10a #40 (aka #193) – “The Mexican Hat Trick”: Carol Lawrence and the Baja Marimba Band guests as the Honeymooners head for colorful Mexico. Mix-ups include a rendezvous between the alluring El Lobo (Carol) and Ralph; a run-in with the bandits Jenkins (Jesse White) and Pedro (Phil Leeds); and the kidnapping of Alice and Trixie.

5p, Sat. July 3, 2010 2a & Mon. July 5, 2010 3a #45 (aka #198) – “The Sun & Raccoon Capital”: The end of the harmonious Honeymooners quartet may be near. At the Miami convention of the Raccoons, it's election time. Opponents for the office of High Exalted Mystic Ruler? Ralph and Norton!

Sun. July 4, 2010 2a #7 (aka #160) - "You're in the Picture": Blackmailers fake a hanky-panky photo of Ralph in Madrid, and for once, Alice is jealous.

3a #9 (aka #162) - "Petticoat Jungle": The Kramdens & Nortons go on a safari. The men go hunting -- Ralph kills a rabbit, Ed kills an elephant.

Mon. July 5, 2010 2a #44 (aka #197) – “Hawaii, Oh! Oh!”: Donald O'Connor guests as a money minded maitre d' as the Honeymooners visit Hawaii. Charlie (Donald) and his bartender (Jeremiah Morris) concoct a phony diet sauce guaranteed to slim down fatties. The missing ingredient: a sucker. Enter rotund Ralph.

Fri. July 9, 2010 10a #41 (aka #194) – “Case of The Cuckoo Thief”: Joining the Honeymooners: Oscar winner George Chakiris ("A Chorus Line"). A Hollywood shopping spree turns chaotic when shoplifter Mousey the Dip (George) uses Alice as his unwitting accomplice.

5p, Sat. July 10 2a & Mon. July 12, 2010 2a #46 (aka #199) – “The Match Game”: Frances Langford plays the brain behind a computer-match service, as the Honeymooners breeze into the Windy City. Computer-wise, the Norton's match really clicks -- but Cupid somehow missed with the Kramdens! Who's at fault, man or machine?

Sun. July 11, 2010 2a AND 3a (Yes, ALN is showing this episode back-to-back) #10 (aka #163) – “Run Santa Run”: Ralph doesn't know that Alice has taken in knitting to pay for his Christmas present, so when he discovers baby things in the apartment he assumes Alice is pregnant. He takes on a job as a sidewalk Santa with Norton as his helper. They are both arrested as operatives in a bookmaking operation.

Mon. July 12, 2010 3a #47 (aka #200) – “Double Trouble”: Jackie plays a dual role as the Honeymooners check in at scenic Sun Valley, Idaho. A Kramden look alike is passing some bad checks, and Alice, Ed & Trixie devise their own disguise to track down the culprit.

(Famnet)

Fri. July 2, 2010 5p #18 (aka #171) – “Sees All, Knows All”: A Coney Island fortune teller tells Ralph that he is going to commit a murder within a week. Ralph wants Alice to move in with her mother till the week passes but Alice refuses. Ralph moves in with Ed and gets so exasperated at him that he nearly kills him. In the end, Ralph manages to get himself arrested for safety by assaulting a police officer.

Fri. July 9, 2010 5p #19 (aka #172) – “Be It Ever So Humble”: Rather than pay a $5 rent increase, Ralph buys a duplex in the country and takes the Nortons as his tenants. He forces them to sign a 99-year lease. But he is a negligent superintendent, and the Nortons attempt to break the lease with a 3:00 A.M. party and a firecracker in Ralph's fireplace.

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

Mon. July 5, 2010 1a #036 (aka #128) - "The Bensonhurst Bomber": An argument in the pool hall and a joke about a man's name figure in "The Bensonhurst Bomber," which originally aired Sept. 8, 1956. Of all the guest characters on The Honeymooners, few names are more recognizable to fans than "Harvey," or, as Ralph pronounces it, "Har-vee!" In fact, it's that exaggerated pronunciation that gets Ralph in hot water when the towering bully Harvey challenges Ralph to a fight at Kelsey's Gym. As the showdown approaches, a nervous Ralph believes a wiser plan might be to leave town, but Norton insists he has to fight Harvey, especially since they're closing the pool hall in Ralph's honor. "If I fight=2 0that Harvey," Ralph replies, "they'll be closing it in my memory."

1:30a (CC) #46 (aka #84) - *“Stars Over Flatbush”: Norton convinces Ralph that astrology will help him predict how to get a raise, and Ralph lets the stars rule his life.

Mon. July 12, 2010 1a (CC) #104 (aka #78) – “Little Man Who Wasn’t There (Part One)”: Ralph is sent to the company psychiatrist when he loses his temper once too often on the job. He is advised to give up his friendship with Norton, Norton mistakes his farewell note for a suicide note, and shadows Ralph to keep him out of trouble.

1:30a (CC) #105 – “Little Man Who Wasn’t There (Part Two)”: Ralph, seeing Norton everywhere he looks, thinks he's losing his mind ...until the truth comes out and the psychiatrist decides that Norton and Kramden belong together.

*: This episode has been edited HEAVILY.

"The Deciding Vote":

(Ralph turns on the vaccum cleaner. It doesn't work.)

Ed: "I think that motor needs a drop or erl."

Ralph: "Yeah, that is all that it needs. A drop of oil."

Alice: "A drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ralph: "You know the condition that I am in. You know that I can't do anything by myself."

Alice: "How did you get out here?"

Ralph: "Don't change the subject."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ed: "I know a man that died from stubbing his toe."

Man: "How is that possible?"

Ed: "He stubbed it on the edge of the Grand Canyon."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "Good thing that I have a brain to figure these things out for us."

Ed: "You sure do Ralph. You can think of smart things to get yourself out of the dumb things that you get yourself into."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph and Ed have just finished playing poker with ther friends.)

Ralph: "Did you ever see a sore loser like that?"

Ed: "Yes, I did. Two weeks ago when you lost."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you know that if I become Raccoon of The Year that we get the honor of free burial at the Raccoon National Cemetary? Do you know where that is? Bismark, North Dakota."

Alice: "Well, that's wonderful Ralph. Just wonderful. I always dreamed about going out west."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "Can you take a hint?"

Ed: "Yes."

Ralph: "All right." (yells): "I HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! NOW GET OUT."

Ed: "Okay, what's the hint?"

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "You can't put your arms around a memory."

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is all the janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be hard with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and tell him off good."

Alice: "I was waiting for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I'm home. So go down and tell him off."

Credit goes to zap2it.com, the old honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & John K's Book To The Moon.

Frank Gannucci

06-30-2010, 07:18 AM

"We're Off To See The Wizard":

(The girls are upset that the boys paid Emma and Clarance $200. Emma & Clarance fooled the boys ino thinking that there was buried treasure and sold them the map that guided them to the place where the "treasure" was for $200.)

Alice: "You two have cost us $200."

Ed: "$208. We paid Clarance $8 to borrow the shovel from him."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Alice, come on out. Dynamite is here."

(Alice slams the bedroom door.)

Ralph: "I guess that she is still asleep."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ed: "Suppose they don't give me the promotion?"

Ralph: "Then you scare them. Tell them that after 17 years in the sewer, you are finally washing your hands of the whole thing."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "When I win that $100, I am going to get myself some bowling shoes, a leather lumber jacket, and you are going to get a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 2":

(Aunt Ethel and Fred are alone in the kitchen. A record is being played.)

(Ed comes in.)

Ed: "Howdy folks. I heard the phonograph playing. I thought you would like some of my records better. Here is a good one."

(Ed puts it on.)

(Loud big band music plays. Ed dances to it.)

(Ralph comes out and takes Ed's record off.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!"

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(One of Ralph's failed inventions that was revealed in this episode was Glow in the Dark shoeshine polish.)

Ed: "Mr. Mitchell, would you like to try shoeshine polish that glows in the dark?"

Ralph (yells): "WILL YOU SHUT UP?"

"Boy Next Door":

Ralph: "My dad once said this: 'For one of a sock, a shoe was lost. For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a war was lost. For one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost.'"

Alice: "Yeah? Why don't you get lost?"

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ralph: "The more brains men have, the less hair they got."

(Alice puts her fingers in Ralph's hair.)

Alice: "I rest my case."

Frank Gannucci

06-30-2010, 07:20 AM

Frank Gannucci

07-01-2010, 08:54 PM

(Ralph & Ed are in the Kramden apartment.)

Ralph: "Boy, what fun are we going to have on July 4th Norton. We are going to launch our very own fireworks right near the East River. Right next to Macy's. That street vendor is going to give us a great deal."

Ed: "Yeah. $2 for three hundred fireworks. These fireworks are big. BIG."

(Alice comes in.)

Alice: "Hi Ralph! Hi Ed!"

Ralph: "Alice, what fun are we going to have on July 4th Norton. Norton and me are going to launch our very own fireworks right near the East River. Right next to Macys. That street vendor gave us a great deal. $2 for three hundred fireworks."

Alice: "Ralph, it sounds like you are going to buy illegal fireworks."

Ralph: "Illegal? That street vendor had a kind face. He would never sell us illegal fireworks."

Alice: "Ralph, I would be leery and not buy any of those fireworks if I were you."

Ralph: "Good thing that you are not me."

Ed: "Yeah, Alice would have gotten a heart attack."

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP!" (to Alice): "Do you want to be the wife of a husband who helped create a fireworks show that is going to rival Macys."

Alice: "No, I am going to be the wife of a future jailbird."

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP!"

(On July 4th. Alice & Trixie are near the East River. Ralph & Ed are far away from them. They have A LOT of fireworks that look illegal but of course, Ralph & Ed somehow don't think so.)

Ed: "There's the river. Just think. That river flows right through where I work."

Ralph: "Yes. We will be famous for putting on a fireworks show that will rival Macys. We will be famous. We will be on the front page of every paper in the country."

Ed: "Are you sure that Garrity's picture won't be there because he tried to kill you?"

Ralph: "Oh, you are a riot Norton."

(Ralph launches a firework. He messes up and the firework hits a police car which causes it to explode. No injuries happen. The cop comes to Ralph & Ed.)

Cop: "I saw you two goons firing an illegal firework."

Ralph: "These are not illegal. We just bought them from a street vendor on Madison Avenue."

Cop: "Didn't you hear? He got arrested for selling illegal fireworks all the time he was here."

Ralph: "Huminahuminahumina."

Cop: "I am arresting you two for possesing illegal weapons. Come on into the squad car."

(Garrity watches from a distance.)

Garrity (yells): "HE KRAMDEN! DID YOU WIN THE HOT DOG EATING CONTEST?"

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP NORTON! YOU WILL GET YOURS GARRITY. SOME PLAN THAT YOU AHD NORTON. I KNEW ALL ALONG THAT THAT VENDOR WAS SELLING ILLEGAL FIREWORKS."

Ed (yells): "YOU DID NOT!"

(They start a fight as the cops try to make peace and put them in the squad car. Alice & Trixie follow the cop car in a taxi so they can bail out their husbands.)

(Jackie Gleason comes out. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. I hope everybody has a great July 4th. I am pleased that we got U.S. Servicemen in the front row."

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "Stay safe and don't do what Ralph did and that was buy illegal fireworks. I know you Sam. I saw you trying to buy illegal fireworks."

(Audience laughs.)

Jackie: "Time to introduce the mail cast. First, Jean Kean."

(The audience applauds as Jean Kean comes by and kisses Jackie.)

Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."

(The crowd appluads as Aud comes by and kisses Jackie.)

Jackie: "Art Carney."

(The crowd applauds as Art comes by and shakes Jackie's hand.)

Jackie: "The Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience cheers.)

"Hot Dog Stand" & "Principle of The Thing":

Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute necessity?"

Ralph: "I sure do. You can't bowl without one."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "Norton, I don't want to lose her."

(Ralph leaves. Ed sits down and starts to eat Ralph's dinner.)

Ed: "Gee, I hope he doesn't lose her too. She is such a good cook."

"Two-Family Car":

Ralph: "All right. You will have the car Monday-Friday. I will have the car on the weekends."

Ed: "Wait a minute. I work those days. You take the car five days and let me take the car two days."

Ralph: "Okay, your days are Wednesday and Thursday."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I don't remember the song I used to play on this cornette. I got the music right here."

(Ralph plays the cornette. No sound is heard.)

Alice: "Not so loud Ralph. You will disturb the neighbors."

"Young Man With A Horn":

(Ralph has been playing the cornete badly.)

Ralph: "Norton, would you mind taking these clothes upstairs to put on the clothesline?"

Ed: "Are you going to play the cornette?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Ed (taking the clothes): "I will be very happy too."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ed helps Ralph rehearse. Ralph is in the bedroom waiting to get out.)

Ed (reading the script): "Hello there!" (not reading): "Testing. testing 1-2-3-4. Testing. Woof! Woof! Testing."

Ralph (opening the door): "Let's get going."

"Six Months To Live":

Telegram Man: "I was instructed to give this letter to Mrs. Kramden."

Ralph (taking the letter): "I'm Mister Kramden."

(The telegram man holds out his hand, expecting a tip.)

Ralph: "Your hand is very dirty."

"To Whom It May Concern":

(Ralph says what he wants Ed to say in a letter to his boss.)

Ralph: "'You dirty bum!'"

Ed: "Don't you think that that is a little rough for a starter?"

Ralph: "Maybe your right. "Dear Mr. Marshall:...'"

Ed: "That's better."

Ralph: "'...You dirty bum!'"

"To Whomever It May Concern":

Alice: "We'll just have to live on our expenses."

Ralph: "Swell. That will take care of tonight. But, what are we going to do in the morning?"

Frank Gannucci

07-02-2010, 07:22 AM

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Something's Fishy":

Ralph: "When did you ever catch anything?"

Alice: "15 years ago. I caught 300 lbs. of blubber."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE NOT GOING!"

Alice (yells): "I AM GOING!"

Ralph: "The only place that you are going to is the moon."

"Move Uptown":

Mrs. Winters: "Do you and your wife have any wild parties?"

Ralph: "No."

Ed: "He hasn't even taken his wife out in the last five years."

"The Adoption" & "Expectant Dad":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. Nothing wrong with that. They used to call us 'Big' Ralph & 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ed: "I have a well-thought plan to eliminate the deficit. Secretary, would you please strike this down in the record? As we all know, the club dues are $2 a month and even with that the Raccons haven't been paying their dues. I see no reason why we can't shrink the dues down to a $1 a month. Even then, if the member's don't pay their dues, it will be cutting the deficit in half."

Ralph: "Would you mind repeating that?"

Ed: "I said the club dues are $2 a month. If we shrink the dues down to a dollar a month...Secretary, would please erase this from the record?"

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ed puts a beauty mark on Ralph's left cheek after the makeup put some makeup on Ralph's eyes and lipstick.)

Ralph: "What did you just do?"

Ed: "I put a beauty mark on your left cheek."

Ralph: "Why did you do that?"

Ed: "Without it, you look exactly like Barbara Streisand."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

Ed: "Mike Douglas was down the sewer one time to present the USO Award."

Ralph: "USO Award?"

Ed: "Yeah United Sewerworkers Of."

Ralph: "Of what?"

Ed: "We don't know yet. No one will take us."

"Hawaii! Oh! Oh!":

(After Ralph threatens that him and Ed are going to jump out the hotel window if the wives don't give them the money, Ed accidentally falls out.)

Ed: "I forgot. We are on the ground floor."

Ralph: "You don't know how to fall correctly."

Ed: "I would if we were on the 15th floor."

Frank Gannucci

07-03-2010, 07:40 AM

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

(Jerry's Lunchroom has very few patrons in it.)

Ed: "After all, it was me who got all of my fellow sewerworkers coming to this place."

Jerry: "Yeah, and look what it did to my business."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "He's (Ed's) my guest and I'm your employer."

Thelma: "Some guest and some employer. The SIMP and the BLIMP."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph brings some of Kram-Mar's Delicious Mystery Appetizer [aka dog food] to Mr. Marshall in a lunchbox.)

Ralph: "I have got in here something that is worth a million dollars."

Mr. Marshall: "Then you must have had a good day on the bus."

"$99,000 Answer":

Ralph: "$600! Peanuts, peanuts. What am I going to do with peanuts?"

Alice: "Eat 'em like any other elephant."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you realize that at the annual clambake I have the honor of opening the first clam? And as we take our cruise up the Hudson River I get to go up to the bridge and steer - as we pass Raccoon Point."

Alice: "Well golly gee!"

"Boys and Girls Together":

Alice: "If you go out one night and it's not your night out with Norton and you don't take me with you, when you get home, I won't be here."

(Alice goes into the bedroom. Ralph walks over to the doorway to the
bedroom.)

Ralph: "Har-har-hardy-har-har!"

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ralph & Alice are at the pool hall.)

Ralph: "This is how you chalk up your cue."

Alice: "Well, that is the stupidest thing I ever heard of."

Ralph: "YOU are the stupidest thing I ever heard of."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(It's Alice's birthday and Ralph has forgotten it.)

Alice: "Ralph, you do remember what today is?"

Ralph: "Sure, it's my pool night."

Alice's Mom: "See? He's good for nothing."

Ralph: "How do you know? You never saw me shoot pool."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "I was born under the sign of Pieces, the fish."

Ralph: "You were born under the sign of Pistachio, the nut."

Frank Gannucci

07-04-2010, 07:10 AM

"Champagne & Caviar":

(Ralph wants Ed to not be at the Kramden apartment because he is afraid he is going to embarrass Ralph when Ralph's boss gets there.)

Ed: "I am planning to go to the movies with Trixie."

Ralph: "I insist you got a movie."

Ed: "All right. Show the boss what you are made of. You deserve the best. After all, it's men like you that make America great."

"TV or Not TV":

Alice: "You couldn't get a TV set like everybody else. Oh no! You had to drag this poor soul to help you buy it and when the poor soul wants to watch the TV, you got to pick on him."

Ed: "That's what you do. You pick, pick, pick."

Ralph: "Oh shut up!"

"Pal O' Mine":

Ralph: "Butter on my finger?" (yells): 'AT 89 CENTS A POUND?" (normally): "Will you stop throwing my money around? Is there any lard here?"

Alice: "Yeah, about 300 pounds of it."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part One":

Ralph: "I'm going to take a shower."

Aunt Ethel: "Would you mind if I brushed my teeth first?"

Ralph: "Give them to me and I will do them for you."

"Box Top Kid Part 2":

Ralph: "When he gets here, I am you and you are me. You got it?"

Ed: "Yes. I am not Ralph Kramden. You're Ralph Kramden. I am not Ralph Kramden. You're Ralph Kramden..."

Ralph (yells): "NO!"

"Young Man With A Horn":

(Ed washes and dries the bugle while whistling.)

Ed: "Oh, I bet that this thing ought to blow like a bell now."

(Ed plays "reville".)

Ralph (yells): "COME ON!"

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in the really broken-down hotel.)

Ralph (to Ed): "You keep it up and you won't even be a bellhop. You'll be a..."

Alice: "Why don't you make him a guest? Nothing can be worse than that."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph explains all the things that "irritated" Ed. They sound like things that shouldn't irritate Ed.)

Ralph: "I also had to go to work without my bath. That's what I did to him."

Trixie: "You didn't have to do that Ralph. You could take you bath at the circus. They wouldn't mind bathing one more elephant."

"Six Months To Live":

Mailman: "I was told to give this letter to Mrs. Kramden."

Ralph (taking the letter): "I'm MR. Kramden."

(The mailman holds out his hand. He is possibly expecting a tip.)

Ralph: "Your hand is very dirty."

Happy July 4th!

powbangzooom

07-04-2010, 11:31 AM

From good oooole Uncle Sam! hehe

Frank Gannucci

07-05-2010, 07:17 AM

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(After Ralph's idea to get the tooth out fails [him and Ed tied one side of a string on a doorknob and the other end on his tooth and they slammed the door shut only to have the doorknob come out], Ralph has a doorknob hanging out of his mouth.)

Ed: "I got an idea. We tie one side of a string on your tooth and the other side to the end of the car, I put the car in drive and vroom! Out goes the tooth."

Ralph: "You are an idiot!"

Ed (yells): "Maybe I am but I don't have a doorknob hanging out of my mouth."

"The Next Champ":

Mr. Amrstrong: "Is this (Ed Norton) you're fighter?"

Ralph: "No, he just looks punch-drunk."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph tries to get Art Carney's autograph for Alice.)

Art: "What's the name?"

Ralph: "My name is Ralph Kramden, but she knows that."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

(Nick and another guy offer Ralph a job and $600 before he starts it.)

Ralph: "$600, I don't know what to do first."

Ed: "I do."

Ralph: "What is that?"

Ed: "I wouldn't tell Trixie."

"Norton Moves In":

(Ralph and Norton are sharing the cot. Ed is having a cigarette.)

Ed: "Ralph, I dropped the match in the bed. Ralph?"

Ralph: "Nee na miz."

Ralph (feeling the lit match, yells): "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"Nephew of The Bride":

Alice: "Aunt Ethel is only staying for a couple of days."

Ralph: "Yeah, those days are Decoration Day, fourth of July and Groundhogs Day."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that's very encouraging that you sold to your last costumer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you found the right thing to say. Did you remember what you said to that last costumer?"

Ed: "Sure I do. I said: 'Mama, you just got to buy this iron.'"

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "That phone is for you-you-you."

(The phone rings.)

Alice: "Hello?" (poking Ralph with the receiver): "It's for you-you-you."

Frank Gannucci

07-07-2010, 07:15 AM

Frank Gannucci

07-08-2010, 07:16 AM

"Better Living Through TV":

(Ed is wearing one of Trixie's dresses.)

Trixie: "Do you have to smkoe that cigar?"

Ed: "Please, it's the only link left to the old me."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking that set over my dead body."

Ed: "I couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "How can I get there as fast as you Alice?"

Ed: "Take off 90 pounds."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "We will see hamburges, hot dogs, flapjacks, pizza pies..."

Ed: "And we will widen the front door."

Ralph: "Why would we do that?"

Ed: "With all that food, how are you going to get in and out?"

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "What could I guy want that is down in the sewer that he needs $2 right away?"

Ed: "Today is pay day, and the guys have a dice going around down there. Well, you might as well call it a floating crap game."

"In 25 Words Or Less":

(The waiter makes crepe zuzzets [Franch pancakes], he starts a fire on his grill. Ralph sees it and puts the fire out with a fire extinguisher.)

Ralph: "It's a good thing I was here or the whole boat would have been on fire."

Alice: "Ralph, those were French pancakes."

Ralph: "I don't care what started the fire."

"In 25 Words Or Less":

Ralph: "Flakey Wakey's add to the taste..."

Ed: "But take away from your fat little waist."

"Ship Of Fools":

Ed: "I went to Europe once."

Man: "Did you enjoy it?"

Ed: "No, the Germans kept shooting at me."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy that Ed put down.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR? YOU GOT RID OF THE HIC-OFFS, DIDN'T YOU?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

Frank Gannucci

07-09-2010, 07:20 AM

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I would like to have my coffee with one lump."

(Ed rings bell.)

Thelma: "You keep ringing that bell like that and you will get one lump."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Trixie: "On the bus there are two empty seats and who sits in those seats?"

Alice: "Ralph."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Mr. Faversham says I have something that stretches from the theater and goes out into the audience."

Alice (patting Ralph's stomach): "You certainly do."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Ed & Ralph are doing a crossword puzzle.)

Ed: "Sofa." (writing): "S-o-f..." (not writing): "What is that an A or an E?"

Ralph: "It's A or E."

Ed (writing): "A or E."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Ralph is eating two celery sticks.)

Alice: "How do you like your dinner Ralph?"

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that was my dinner." (holding up the knife and fork): "What are these for, to commit suicidue with?"

"Peacemaker":

Alice: "Ed is gone."

Ralph: "I know that he is. I knew that the first day I met him."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(It's Ed's birthday and Ralph wants to get off cheaply.)

Alice: "Ed took you to the Kit Kat Klub on your birthday."

Ralph: 'Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested the Copa Cabana."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ed: "Take it from the top Norton."

(Ed is sitting on the piano.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Ed (yells): "YOU TOLD ME TO TAKE IT FROM THE TOP."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Alice is dresssed up as a young lady.)

Alice: "Who is going to look at me Ralph. I'm an old woman."

Ralph: "Who would look at an old woman? An old man."

Frank Gannucci

07-10-2010, 07:23 AM

Frank Gannucci

07-11-2010, 07:07 AM

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ralph: "Are you sure that that suitcase can hold $40,000,000. Why don't you cut pieces of paper into the shape of dollars bills and find out?"

(Ed opens up his case to reveal that he did just that.)

Ed: "Small details."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I am writing down a list of all my weak points."

Ed: "Oh, is that all the paper you are going to use?"

"Letter To The Boss":

Ed: "I know what you should do your boss after he fires you."

Ralph: "What?"

Ed: "Write him another nasty letter."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ed: "I got a solution to open up that mailbox. Dynamite."

Ralph: "What is it?"

Ed: "That is waht I said. Dynamite."

"The People's Choice" & "Finger Man":

Ed: "My Uncle's place in New Jersey. Bullets will never find you there."

Ralph: "He won't."

Ed: "Of course not. I have been down there three Sundays in a row. I can't even find the place myself."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "Norton, do you like the furniture here?"

Ed: "Yeah."

Ralph (to Alice): "There you are."

Ed: "Of course. I don't live here."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph tries to butter up Alice.)

Ralph: "Do you know how foolish I am going out every night when I have a beautiful wife at home?"

Ed: "At least I got a good excuse."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

(The gang is in the broken-down home.)

Ed: "How long is this lease for?"

Ralph: "The usual."

Ed: "How long is that?"

Ralph "99 years."

Ed: "99 years?"

Ralph: "Yes, 99 years. That's what America gets from Great Britian when they do that lend-lease stuff."

Ed: "Yeah, but this place isn't exactly Bermuda."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "Why can't you get behind me?"

Alice: "It's not my fault Ralph. It's just that there is no room back there."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Joey: "A wife is very independent. An American wife is very dominating, she wants to run everything, she will nag you, she won't let you go out nights and she won't let you do the things that you want to do."

Ed: "You are telling me."

Frank Gannucci

07-12-2010, 07:17 AM

Frank Gannucci

07-13-2010, 07:25 AM

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Pardon me sir, on the Jackie Gleason Show, who's funnier, Jackie Gleason or Art Carney?"

Man: "I can't say. I watch Flipper."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a much smarter guy than I am."

Alice's Mom: "So you admit it."

Ralph: "Sure. He took one look at you and refused to marry her."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Ralph: "Why did he say: 'Hey, get a load of fatso there.'?"

Ed: "I don't know. Maybe the phrase just fits."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Trixie: "I got to go downtown shopping tomorrow. There's a big sale on shorts. Norton could use some."

Alice: "So could Ralph. What sizes are on sale?"

Trixie: "All sizes 18 to 50."

Alice: "No, nothing for Ralph."

"Pal O' Mine":

Ralph: "Butter on my finger?" (yells): "AT 89 CENTS A POUND." (normally): "Would you stop throwing my money around? Is there any lard around here?"

Alice: "Yeah about 300 lbs. of it."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

(Ralph is collecting money from all the bus drivers to get the boss' daughter a wedding present which will give all the bus drivers a raise and it will get Ralph on the boss' good side.)

Man: "Thank you for being the instigator in getting us a raise. Someday, you will be known as the John L. Lewis of the bus drivers."

(He leaves.)

Ralph: "I like to remove his nose."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "Loans are the lifeblood of a bank."

Ralph: "Good because we are in desperate need of a transfusion."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph has every Raccoon believing that he knows Jackie Gleason and will get him to come to the Raccoon Dance.)

Ralph: "Do you remember the last time that the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler bought everybody a round of beer?"

Alice: "Yeah, the time that you told them that you knew Rudy Valee."
(ALN):

(AmericanLife also has an OnDemand Service. This show might be one of the shows to watch.)

TV-G

All times are Eastern.

All color episodes are one hour.

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Shelia MacRae as Alice Kramden. Jean Kean as Trixie Norton.

Fri. July 16, 2010 10a #42 (aka #195) - “The Honeymoon Is Over”: Mike Douglas guests as the Honeymooners are invited to plug the prize-winning song on Mike's show. And what a show it is: Ralph and Alice have an on-camera tiff that gets everyone into the act.

5p & Sat. July 17, 2010 2a #47 (aka #200) – “Double Trouble”: Jackie plays a dual role as the Honeymooners check in at scenic Sun Valley, Idaho. A Kramden look alike is passing some bad checks, and Alice, Ed & Trixie devise their own disguise to track down the culprit.

Sun. July 18 2a & Sun. July 25, 2010 3a #12 (aka #165) – “Movies Are Better Than Ever”: Ralph treats himself, Alice and the Nortons to the movies for Ed's birthday. Ed's ticket wins the door prize -- a color TV. Ralph declares war on Ed because he paid for the tickets and wants the TV. Eventually they take their case to court but reconcile after hearing Alice's testimony.

3a #11 (aka #164) - "King of the Castle": Back from Europe, Ralph advises Ed to stand up to Trixie -- and suddenly, Alice moves in with Trixie and Ed is living with Ralph.

Mon. July 19 2a, Fri. July 23, 5p & Sat. July 24, 2010 2a #49 (aka #202) –“We’re Off To See The Wizard”: The Honeymooners' Mardi Gras celebration turns typically topsy-turvy. A hotel mix-up leads the foursome to Emma (Doro Merande), Norton's very-distant relative. Emma, a phony spiritualist, takes them in -- then in a séance tries to take Ralph in again.

3a #50 (aka #203) – “Operation Protest”: Ralph gets his big break when he becomes public-relations director for his bus company. But joy may be short-lived: guess which bus company Alice's protester-nephew is picketing.
Fri. July 23, 2010 10a #43 (aka #196) – “Happiness Is a Rich Uncle”: Joey Heatherton guests as the go-go girl sweetheart of Alice's Uncle Howard (David Burns), an 83 year-old millionaire. Suspicious that she's gone-gone over Howard's gold, the Honeymooners decide to put Emily to the test -- with suave Norton as bait.

Sun. July 25, 2010 2a #13 (aka #166) – “Without Reservations”: Ralph's brother-in-law Stanley persuades Ralph and Ed into buying a strategically located hotel along the route of a proposed highway. The highway ends up bypassing the hotel, putting Ralph and Ed out of business but money in Stanley's pocket since he's a construction worker on the new highway.

Mon. July 26, 2010 2a #1 (aka #154) - "In Twenty-Five Words or Less": Ralph wins the Flakey Wakey trip to Europe for four by entering a slogan contest.

3a #2 (aka #155) - "Ship of Fools": The Kramdens and Nortons sail to Europe. Ralph and Ed set themselves adrift on a life boat but are rescued some time later. Upon arriving in Paris, Ralph poses for a publicity photo and falls off the deck.

(Famnet)

TV-G

All times are Eastern.

All color episodes are one hour.

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Shelia MacRae as Alice Kramden. Jean Kean as Trixie Norton.

Fri. July 16, 2010 5p #20 (aka #173) – “Hair To A Fortune”: For $500, Ralph and Norton buy a phony hair-restoration formula from a sharp promoter in Central Park. Over Alice and Trixie's objections, they mix up their first batch and try it on Ralph's boss. Using the formula he loses all his hair.

Fri. July 23, 2010 5p #21 (aka #174) – “The People’s Choice”: Ralph becomes a hero for recognizing "Knuckles" Grogan from his newspaper picture and aiding in his arrest. Then Knuckles escapes and Ralph has to be the bait so the police can recapture him. Local politicians ask Ralph, on the strength of his heroism, to run for state assembly; he agrees, and campaigns vigorously, until he realizes that his sponsors are dishonest. And, at the big pre-election rally, he tells the voters the whole story.

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

Mon. July 19, 2010 1a #017 (aka #108) - "The Baby-sitter": Ralph signals his displeasure when he learns that Alice had a telephone installed in the apartment. Then later, when he calms down, he overhears a telephone conversation and thinks that she is having an affair.

1:30a (CC) #55 (aka #83) - *“The Adoption”: Ralph and Alice decide to adopt a baby, but first they have to pass inspection at the adoption agency

Mon. July 26, 2010 1a #015 (aka #106) - "A Matter of Record": In "A Matter of Record" (originally telecast Jan. 7, 1956), Ralph surprises Alice with tickets to a hit Broadway mystery, but with her mother coming "all the way from Bensonhurst" for a visit, she won't go. " Where's Bensonhurst, in New Zealand or something?" Ralph snaps back, upset that Alice is forsaking him for a visit from his nemesis. "She won't be in this apartment three minutes before she starts an argument," Ralph says. With that, Alice's mother arrives and Ralph proceeds to set an alarm clock for three minutes. Sure enough, she quickly insults Ralph about his weight, chides Alice for not marrying "a good provider" and, as the final straw, spills the beans about the ending of the play. Just as the alarm clock rings, Ralph erupts ("You are a blabbermouth!") and throws his mother-in-law out. But Alice leaves with her, prompting Ralph to take Norton's suggestion and record an apology to Alice in hopes of winning her forgiveness.

1:30a #47 (aka #88) - *“The Principle of the Thing”: To please Alice, Ralph decides to use rent money to fix up their apartment. GUEST STAR -Classic TV Tightwad - Jack Benny

*: This episode has been edited HEAVILY.

(Bio)

Sun. July 18, 2010 7:30a (CC) (2 hours) - A profile of Jackie Gleason (1916-87) recalls how “The Great One” rose from a tough Brooklyn childhood to become a comic genius and creator of one of TV's most beloved characters, Ralph Kramden of “The Honeymooners.” Among those commenting are Steve Allen, Joyce Randolph, Jayne Meadows, Milton Berle, June Taylor, Neil Simon and Anthony Quinn. Narrator: Harry Smith.

(WLIW) (WLIW HD) (Long Island PBS affiliate)

Make 'Em Laugh: The Funny Business of America.

(2 hours.)

Thu. July 15, 2010 10p
Sat. July 17, 2010 1a & 3p
Tue. July 20, 2010 12a
Thu. July 22, 2010 4a

(CC)

The domestic-comedy concept pioneered by the likes of George Burns and Gracie Allen is examined. Featured shows include "The Goldbergs," "I Love Lucy," "The Honeymooners," "The Dick Van Dyke Show," "All in the Family," "The Cosby Show," "Roseanne," "Seinfeld" and "The Simpsons."

Credit goes to zap2it.com, the old honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & John K's Book To The Moon.

Frank Gannucci

07-14-2010, 07:17 AM

Frank Gannucci

07-15-2010, 07:20 AM

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down a street, there ain't no other side."

"The Babysitter":

(Ralph & Ed are at a barber shop. Ed uses some of the barber's tools.)

Ralph: "Don't you realize that this is man's place of business? How would you like it if some person went to where you work and helped himself to whatever he could find?"

Ed: "Help himself to what?"

"Finders Keepers":

(Ed just beat Ralph at pinball. Because of that, Ed won the box of Italina Creams.)

Ed: "Ralph, we have been friends too long to let a box of Italian Creams to come between us. So, what I am going to do is take this home, Trixie will have the bottom half, Alice will have the top layer, and the box, which is suitable for framming, is yours."

Ralph: "Why don't you shut up?"

"Box Top Kid Part 1":

(Ralph is making Ed write a letter saying how Slim-O Bread has made him thin.)

Ralph: "'Before I started eating delicious Slim-O Bread, I weighed 250 pounds. I now weigh...'"

Ed: "'260 pounds.'"

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in New York City that is strong enough to do that."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "Talk is cheap."

Alice: "It must be or you would have never opened your mouth."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "At last, I have a bathtub that I can be comfy in."

Alice: "What did you order, a round one?"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a much smarter guy than I am."

Alice's Mom: "So you admit it."

Ralph: "Sure. He took one look at you and refused to marry her."

We Spy":

Trixie: "Why didn't you help Ed with the suitcases?"

Ralph: "Because I strained my back."

Alice: "How did you do that?"

Ralph: "When I pled the bags into Norton's arms."

Frank Gannucci

07-16-2010, 07:20 AM

"$99,000 Answer":

Ralph:"$600.00 thats peanuts, peanuts, what am I gonna do with peanuts??"

Alice: "Eat'em like an other elephant."

"Please Leave The Premises":

(Ralph just said a peom that claims will help him relax. It goes: "Pins and needles. Needles and pins. It's a happy man that grins." Mr. Johnson then comes in with the notice for the rent increase.)

Ralph (yells to Mr. Johnson): "You are not getting one dime, not one thin dime."

Norton: "Ralph, Pins and needles, needles and pins."

Ralph "Oh shut up!"

"People's Choice Part 1":

Ralph: "I am a hero. A hero. A heero. Do you know what that is?"

Alice: "Yeah, it's a fat sandwich that is full of baloney."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph and Ed are arguing over who eats more in their new home.)

Ralph: "Who's eating it?"

(Ed takes a look at Ralph's stomach.)

Ed: "I rest my case."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed looks at the toaster.)

Ed: "The radiostat conductor is not making proper contact with the electrocoil."

Alice: "What does that mean?"

Ed: "There's a screw loose."

"Cupid Part 1":

(Ralph is playing matchmaker with a friend and a blond girl. Alice thinks that he is seeing someone behind her back.)

Ed: "Is Ralph home?"

Alice: "No."

Ed: "He must be out with some blonde."

"Lunchbox":

(Ralph thinks that Alice packed an awful lunch.)

Ralph: "What is a shoe doing in the stove?"

Alice: "What did you think it was stupid, your dinner?"

Ralph: "After today, I wouldn't be suprised."

"The Safety Award":

Ralph: "A group of men are picked to do a job, trained in the same fashion as each other, and there's always one man in the group that stands out far in front of the others."

Ed: "If you stood out any more in front you wouldn't be able to get behind the wheel of a bus!"

"Two For The Money":

Ed: "I bet you $8 that my friend Ralph can beat you at pinball."

Man: "I'll bet $10."

Ed: "$8. We don't want to play for high stakes. We just want to make it interesting."

Frank Gannucci

07-17-2010, 07:18 AM

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

(At the Raccoon lodge, Ed goes in the "Out" door to go to the kitchen. He bumps into Ralph. Ralph & Ed have an argument about which door [the ones being marked "In" or "Out"] Ed should use to enter the Raccoon kitchen at the lodge.)

Ralph: "You are supposed to go in the door marked 'In.'"

Ed: "I wasn't going in that room. I was coming out of this room."

Ralph: "You were not going out of this room. You were going in that room."

Ed: "How could I go into that room without coming out of this room?"

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Your brother is a moocher, a swindler, and a bum."

Alice: "What did you say?"

Ralph: "I said that your brother is a bum."

Alice: "My brother is just as good as any member of your family."

Ralph: "He's still a bum."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "You can't put your arms around a memory."

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

Ralph: "Fourteen years, I fractured myself just to take care of Alice. Now, I see here coming out of a restaurant and get into a cab with another guy. That's loyalty for you."

Ed: "The least she could have done was take a bus."

"The Next Champ":

(Ralph just became Dynamite's manager.)

Ralph: "This is a historical spot. Right here they are going to have a sign. Do you know what it is going to say?"

Ed: "Yeah: 'Cigarette machine is out of order.'"

"Hello Mom":

Ralph: "What are you doing with all of that material? Making a bedspread?"

Alice: "No, I'm taking your pants out again."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "One hand washes the other while both hands wash the face."

Ed: "Never mind that. Just give me some water. I know how to wash."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

Ralph: "I am trying to put some weight on my broken leg."

Ed: "You are just the boy that could do it."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Reluctantly, Ralph let the stage manager put lipstick on him so that it will make him look better on the Mike Douglas Show. While the Kramdens & Nortons are on the show, Ralph and Alice tell everyone that they love each other DEARLY. Ralph kisses Alice.)

Alice: "Ralph, are you wearing lipstick?"

Ralph: "Shut up!"

Frank Gannucci

07-18-2010, 07:05 AM

Frank Gannucci

07-19-2010, 05:28 AM

"A Promotion Part 2":

Ralph: "A derrick couldn't get me out of this chair."

Alice: "A good big one might be able to."

"A Man's Pride":

(Ralph is trying to tell Bill Davis that he has a VERY IMPORTANT job.)

Ralph: "I am in the transportation business."

Bill Davis: "What do you do?"

Ralph: "Oh, I run things."

Bill: "You run things?"

Ed: "Yeah, everyday he's in the driver's seat."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Rita: "Do you have any nicknames that you like to call your husband?"

Alice: "Oh, I got several I love to call him."

Rita: "All you have to do is pick your husband's outstanding feature and find a name that fits."

Alice: "Oh, I see." (to Ralph): "Isn't that a good idea Tubby?"

"The Safety Award":

Ed: "Someone thought about putting a plaque on Ralph's bus saying: 'You are on the bus of the World's Safest Bus Driver: Ralph Kramden.'"

Alice: "Oh, a plaque like that. Ed, you can tell me. Who thought of that idea?"

Ed: "Ralph."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I'll get the $300 Alice. I'll get it if I have to sell everything in this house."

Alice: "Fine. But, what are you going to do about the other $280?"

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Alice: "I read in a magazine once that 50% of a toothache is mental. 50% of the pain of that toothache is here (the mouth). The other 50% is in here (the head.)
Ralph: "For you information, 100% of it is here (the mouth.) There is nothing up there (the head.)"

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (reading): "'Four-letter word for place of dwelling.' I got that one. House: H-o-s-e. That is the trouble with these puzzles. They are not challenging."

Alice: "Yeah, they are easy. Easy: E-z-y."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: "I have to go bowling. I am the anchorman."

Alice: "Of what, the Queen Mary?"

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph is looking for apaper with his social security # on it.)

Ralph: "I think I found it. Here it is: 56-68-73."

Alice: "Those are the measurements for that new suit you bought."
"Follow The Boys":

Ed (reading): "'Four-letter word for place of dwelling.' I got that one. House: H-o-s-e. That is the trouble with these puzzles. They are not challenging."

Alice: "Yeah, they are easy. Easy: E-z-y."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: "I have to go bowling. I am the anchorman."

Alice: "Of what, the Queen Mary?"

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph is looking for a paper with his social security # on it.)

Ralph: "I think I found it. Here it is: 56-68-73."

Alice: "Those are the measurements for that new suit you bought."

Frank Gannucci

07-20-2010, 07:21 AM

Frank Gannucci

07-21-2010, 07:20 AM

Frank Gannucci

07-22-2010, 07:18 AM

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 2":

(Aunt Ethel and Fred are alone in the kitchen. A record is being played.)

(Ed comes in.)

Ed: "Howdy folks. I heard the phonograph playing. I thought you would like some of my records better. Here is a good one."

(Ed puts it on.)

(Loud big band music plays. Ed dances to it.)

(Ralph comes out and takes Ed's record off.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!"

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

(Ed is hypnotized. He sees Ralph.)

Ed: "Look out. There's a whale in the sewer. It's Moby Dick."

Ralph: "If he wasn't under a spell, I would fracture his skull."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that's very encouraging that you sold to your last custumer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you found the right thing to say. Did you remember what you said to that last custumer?"

Ed: "Sure I do. I said: 'Mama, you just got to buy this iron.'"

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"Oh My Aching Back":

Ralph: "This is serious, Norton! Not only that my back hurts, but, I'm half hot and I'm half cold! My head is red hot and my feet are ice cold! Do you know what it is to have a hot head and cold feet?"

Norton: "I get that way any August day in the sewer during high tide."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ed just won himself a TV using a movie theater ticket that Ralph got for him.)

Ed: "It's just like the guys said: 'A lesser man would have said: 'I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me.''"

Ralph: "I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Are the guys coming to pick you up?"

Ed: "Yeah."

Ralph: "Can you give me a lift?"

Ed: "Sure. Always room for two more."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I found out that I am Taurus The Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man, but it's the same old bull."

"Without Reservations":

Stan: "Are there any openings at the bus depot?"

Ralph: "No."

Stan: "Then how do you get in the building?"

Frank Gannucci

07-23-2010, 07:27 AM

Frank Gannucci

07-24-2010, 07:17 AM

Frank Gannucci

07-25-2010, 07:06 AM

Frank Gannucci

07-26-2010, 07:19 AM

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "When you own a house, you can go outisde, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out the door right now into the hallway and do the same thing."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph has every Raccoon believing that he knows Jackie Gleason and will get him to come to the Raccoon Dance.)

Ralph: "Do you remember the last time that the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler bought everybody a round of beer?"

Alice: "Yeah, the time that you told them that you knew Rudy Valee."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "Oh, by the way, when Mrs. Weidmeyer comes in, it might be good if you complimented her on how she decorated this place. You know, she might give you a tip on how to fix up our place."

Alice: "I could sure use her help. I just can't figure out what color pan goes best under our ice box!"

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(One of Ralph's failed inventions that was revealed in this episode was Glow in the Dark shoeshine polish.)

Ed: "Mr. Mitchell, would you like to try shoeshine polish that glows in the dark?"

Ralph (yells): "WILL YOU SHUT UP?"

"Battle of The Sexes":

Ralph: "Don't make a sound while I take a shot. Don't even breathe."

Ed: "If I don't breathe, I will die."

Ralph: "That's okay. Just don't make any noise when you hit the floor."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "How about the time when we were playing softball and you got hit in the head with a bat? Who was it that got you a cab and took you over to the hospital? I did. Who came and saw you every day? I did. Who got you cigarettes and candy? I did."

Ed: "Who hit me in the head with a bat? You did."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "How much time would it take a man if he went about selling these things (Handy Housewife Helpers) if he went from door-to-door?"

Alice: "About one minute if this was the first door he knocked on."

“The Match Game”:

Ed: “I played football in Soldier's Field once. I was on the New York Sewerworkers team when they played the Chicago Sanitation Workers in the annual Garbage Bowl for charity.”

Ralph: “What charity?”

Ed: “Fresh Air Fund.”

“Hero”:

Tommy: “Did you see Mr. Kramden when he was a football star?”

Ed: “No, I was in Prep School at the time.”

Frank Gannucci

07-27-2010, 07:21 AM

Frank Gannucci

07-28-2010, 07:28 AM

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ed: "Trixie, would you stop giving me limburger cheese sandwiches for lunch?"

Trixie: "I thought you liked them."

Ed: "I do but the guys down the sewer can't stand the smell."

"Hello Mom":

Alice: "My mother is coming and you are going to be nice to her."

Ralph: "I'm going to be nice to her. That's impossible. We don't get along. We're enemies. Natural enemies like a boa constrictor and a mongoose."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

(Ralph and Alice are on the "Beat The Clock" game show.)

Ralph (waving): "Hi mom!"

Bud Collyer: "Don't you think your mother will be happy that she saw you do that?"

Ralph: "I don't think so. She doesn't have a TV."

"Better Living Through TV":

(Ed is helping Trixie with a dress that Ed is wearing.)

Trixie: "Don't you have to smoke that cigar?"

Ed: "Please. It's the only link left to the old me."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "You don't think I would be dumb enough to put salt in my coffee?"

Ed: "Well, what's dumber than putting mustard on vanilla ice cream?"

Ralph: "Who does that?"

Ed: "I do."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ed: "Why not call the dog Ralph."

Ralph: "Ralph?"

Ed: "Yeah, not only can people call him, dogs can call him too. Ralph! Ruff! Ralph! Ruff!"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"TV or Not TV":

Alice: "Why can't we have a TV set?"

Ralph: "Do you want to know the reason? Do you want to know the reason?"

Alice: "Yeah."

Ralph: "The reason? All right...I am waiting for third-dimensional television."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "I would have given my life to be a jockey but I was a little too heavy."

Alice: "A little too heavy? You are too fat to be a horse."

"We Spy":

Trixie: "Why didn't you help Ed with the suitcases?"

Ralph: "Because I strained my back."

Alice: "How did you do that?"

Ralph: "When I piled the bags into Norton's arms."

Frank Gannucci

07-29-2010, 07:18 AM

"Dial J For Janitor”:

Ralph (sarcastically): “I hope you realize that water always recedes its level.”

Ed: “Yes, we have heard rumors to that effect down the sewer.”

“Young Man With A Horn”:

Alice: “Stand back Ed. This is liable to be messy.”

Ralph: “You are about to be messy in about five seconds from now.”

“Funny Money”:

Ralph: “One of these days, you are going to push me too far.”

Alice’s Mom: “The only thing that can push you is a bulldozer.”

“Songwriters”:

Ralph: “We need a piano just as much as we need a refrigerator.”

Alice: “Okay. From now on, you can take your supper out of the piano.”

“Songwriters”:

(Ralph is unwrapping the package that contains the piano while Alice is watching.)

Ralph: “I thought you would say: ‘Ralph, get rid of that piano.’”

Alice: “Ralph, get rid of that piano.”

"In Twenty-Five Words or Less":

Ed: "Hey, why don't you name the dog 'Ralph'?"

Ralph: "'Ralph?'"

Ed: "Yeah, that way not only people can call him, dogs can call him. Ralph. Ralph."

(Ed makes barking sounds.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

(Ralph is at the psychiatrist's office.)

Doctor (to Ralph): "You are going to like this. This is fun. This is an aptitude test."

Ed: "Can three people play?"

"Lost Baby":

Alice: "What was a baby doing on your bus?"

Ralph: "You don't expect a baby this young to walk do you?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "My mother was offered to appear in silent pictures but she turned it down so she can have a family."

Ralph: "For your information, the reason why your mother was not in silent pictures was because she couldn't keep silent."

Frank Gannucci

07-30-2010, 07:16 AM

"On Stage":

Ralph (reading the script and walking towards the window): "'Come here, my dear. Look out there Rachael. Say yes and all of that is yours."

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph: "What's so funny?"

Ed: "What does Rachael want with a back of a Chinese restaurant and a pizzeria?"

"People's Choice Part 1":

Ed: "You should go down to my Uncle's place in New Jersey. 'Bullets' will never find you there."

Ralph: "He won't?"

Ed: "No, I have been going down there for the past three Sundays in a row. I can't even find the place myself."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Ed: "As long as I am in an executive in that bus company, you are sure of being a bus driver as long as you live."

(Ralph gets up and signals for Ed to leave.)

Ed: "This is no way..."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!!!!!!!!!"

"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):

Ralph: "What's the matter with you? Here my home is being broken up, my happiness destroyed and you want to know if I'm ready to go bowling?

Ed: "Sorry Ralph. How about shootin' a little some pool?"

"One Big Happy Family":

Ed (yells): "RALPH, I LEFT THE SOAP ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR."

Ralph (from bathroom, yells): "WHAT?"

Ed (yells): "I SAID THAT I..."

Ralph (from bathroom, yells): "I CAN'T HEAR YOU. TALK TO ME LATER."

Ralph (slipping on the soap,
yells): "DUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"One Big Happy Family":

Man (from upstairs, yells): "KNOCK OFF THE NOISE DOWN THERE!"

(Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP BEFORE I REPORT YOU TO THE SUPERINTENDENT."

Man (from upstairs, yells): "I AM THE SUPERINTENDENT."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"Without Reservations":

(Ralph and Ed are in the run-down hotel.)

Ralph: "Would you stop with the wisecracks Norton? When the girls get here I wanna make a good impression!"

Ed: "If you wanna make a good impression, keep the door shut!"

"Flushing Ho":

Alice: "This morning, he (Ed) will use the bathroom first. The next morning, you will use the bathroom first."

Ralph: "There's the solution to my whole problem. Now, I will only be late every OTHER day."

Frank Gannucci

07-31-2010, 07:20 AM

Frank Gannucci

08-01-2010, 07:06 AM

"The Prowler":

Ralph: "A prowler? Quick, hide your wristwatch."

Alice: "It's at the jeweler's being repaired."

Ralph: "Every time we need that wristwatch, it's out being repaired."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Ralph: "I got a tootchache. Why do you think I have this thing (towel wrapped around his head) for?"

Ed: "I thought that you were going to be a bunny rabbit on that TV commercial tomorrow."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph & Ed are thinking of a name for the appetizer they think they have discovered after Ralph said that his boss, Mr. Marshall, will help out as far as helping Ralph sell it.)

Ed: "How about Kramden's Delicious Marshall?"

Ralph: "Marshall? What kind of stuff is marshall?"

Ed: "Well, we don't know what this stuff (the name of the food) is. You might as well call it marshall."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Ralph?"

Ralph: "What?"

Ed: "Mind if I smoke?"

Ralph: "I don't care if you burn."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ed: "Me and Trixie may be moving tomorrow."

Carlos: "Trixie never mentioned it."

Ed: "Trixie doesn't know it yet."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm not asking you for the money. The general is telling you to give it to me."

(Alice takes a bowl and puts it on his head and "salutes" him.)

Alice: "Har-har-har."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "All I know is when I win the $100, I am going out to buy myself a new pair of shoes, a leather lumbar jacket and before I am finished, you will have a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Ralph: "I'm just steamed at Alice because she thinks that there is nobody stupid enough to offer me a job like an insurance executive."

Ed: "This guy that wants to hire you sounds stupid enough."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

Ed: "I filed a laswuit once. The lawyers claimed that I didn't even have a case."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I was working in the sewer and a manhole cover fell on my head."

Ralph: "Why couldn't you win the case?"

Ed: "I couldn't prove it did any damage."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph and Ed rehearse their mind-reading act in which Ralph will hold up an object while Ed tries to guess it with the help of Ralph's clue while he can't see. Ed's eyes are closed while Ralph holds up a watch.)

Ralph: "Watch out for this, o' swami."

Ed: "What's the clue?"

Frank Gannucci

08-02-2010, 07:15 AM

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Ralph (yells): "WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK ALICE? WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK? I TOLD YOU THIS PLACE WILL LOOK BEAUTIFUL."

Alice (yells): "YOU MADE A MISTAKE. WHY DON'T YOU ADMIT IT RALPH?"

Ralph (yells): "ALL RIGHT! I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I MADE A MISTAKE. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME."

Alice (yells): "DON'T TEMPT ME RALPH! DON'T TEMPT ME."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Doctor: "This is an aptitude test Mr. Kramden. You are supposed to take an object and fit it in its respective hole."

Ed: "Can three people play?"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "This furnutire is good enough for me."

Alice: "Sure it is. But just because that you are a Raccoon doesn't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph (to Carlos): "It's easy for you to play Sir Galahad. You don't work. When you work, you dance. That's not work. When we work, we work. Dirty work. Just take a look at my friends hands and mine and yours."

Ed: "It's not fair to compare my hands to his. I got mine in water all day."

"On Stage":

(Ralph is thinking of how to greet the Raccoons in his letters.)

Ed: "How about 'Greetings!'?"

Ralph: "'Greetings?'"

Ed: "Yeah, the draft board did pretty good with that one."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(The car won't start.)

Trixie: "Ralph, it might help if you turned the ignition key."

Ralph: "I was just about to do that. I just wanted to see if the battery was alive."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "First you almost made me lose my hearing. Then, you try to electricute me. Why don't you help me some more, run over me with the car?"

Ed: "I can't get the car started."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "I am a nobody."

Ed: "I could have told you that 10 years ago."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "The bills will get bigger and bigger and I will have less to eat. I will start losing weight. Then, do you know what I will look like?"

Alice: "Yeah, a human being."

Frank Gannucci

08-03-2010, 07:18 AM

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Alice: "There's an old wives' tale Ralph. 'A man works from sun-to-sun but a woman's work is never done.'"

Ralph: "Good gosh!"

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph & Ed are thinking of what to name their dog food. Mr. Marshall will be one of the first people to taste it.)

Ed: "How about Kramden's Delicious Marshall."

Ralph: "What kind of stuff is Marshall?"

Ed: "Well, we don't know what this stuff is. You might as well call it Marshall."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph. You are my husband."

Ralph: "No, I am your brother."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ed: "The door is busted."

Alice: "Don't be ridiculous. It's a Dutch door."

Ed: "Boy, those Dutch people must be very short."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Trixie: "I don't know how Ed can become unconscious so fast."

Ralph: "He has got a pretty good head start."

"Songs & Witty Sayings Part 1":

Alice: "Molly wally unga."

Ralph: "What does that mean?"

Alice: "That is Hawaiian for: 'Ahh, shut up.'"

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Do you know what a manager and a trainer get of the purse? A third. Do you know what a boxer can get? $300,000 to $400,000 a fight."

Ed: "A strong kid like that can fight five or six times a week."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

(Ralph is trying to do an aptitude test.)

Ed: "A five-year-old can do this."

Ralph: "Don't worry. I'll do it."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

(The doctor gives Ralph a word association test.)

Doctor: "Man."

Ralph: "Woman."

Doctor: "House."

Ralph: "Furniture."

Doctor: "Dog."

Ralph: "Cat."

Doctor: "Bus."

Ralph: "Those dirty rotten passengers."

Frank Gannucci

08-04-2010, 11:06 PM

"Quiz Show":

Alice: "All the way home in the cab you were howling at the top of
your lungs."

Ralph: "I had to. There was so many boxes of Crinkley Cracks cereal
between us, I couldn't see you."

"Catch A Star":

Ed: "Have I seen you once?"

Joyce Randoph (as herself): "I don't believe so."

Ed: "Did you ever work in the sewer?"

"The Next Champ":

Mr. Armstrong: "I got eight guys in my stable. I can make room for a
heavyweight."

Ed: "Hey, he must have a bigger kitchen then you Ralph."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "That does it Norton. In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Don't get so upset. Doctos can be wrong to you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy, did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."

"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):

Ralph: "This salad isn't bad. You got carrots for your eyes, beats for your blood, lettuce for your teeth. Everything on here is goodfor you."

Ed: "Poor little pizza. Ain't good for nothing."

"Letter To The Boss":

(Ed is helping Ralph write his nasty letter to his boss, Mr. Marshall)

Ralph: "'You dirty bum! You are a miserable low-life. You ought to turn in your membership card to the human race.'"

Ed: "Nice touch. Nice touch."

Ralph: "Thank you."

"Flushing Ho":

Alice: "You can't go in the bathroom Ralph. Trixie is taking a bath."

Ralph: "She is in the water more than a flounder is."

"Please Leave The Premises":

(In the chilly apartment, Ralph gives Alice a water bottle.)

Ralph: "I don't want to see you drink an ounce of that. We have to conserve."

Alice: "I wouldn't think about doing that Ralph. I am saving it for Sunday dinner."

"My Fair Landlord":

(Ralph wants to talk to Mr. Olsen about the lack of water. He yells at him out the window.)

Ralph (yells): "YOU TELL THE LANDLORD IF THERE ISN'T ANY IMPROVEMENTS
MADE AROUND HERE, I'M LEAVING."

Mr. Olsen (from downstairs, yells): "GO AHEAD AND LEAVE. THAT WILL BE
AN IMPROVEMENT RIGHT THERE."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "Can you take a hint?"

Ed: "Yes."

Ralph: "All right." (yells): "I HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! NOW GET OUT!"

"Curse of The Kramdens":

Ralph: "I didn't know that Jackie Gleason was irish."

Ed: "Yeah. His family came during the potato famine. In fact, they may have caused it."

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "Berlin threw away a lot of bad lines."

Alice: "Yeah, if you can only find out where he threw them."

Frank Gannucci

08-05-2010, 07:20 AM

"Head of The House":

(Ralph just told the newspaper's questioning photographer to print him saying that the husband is the boss of the house.)

Ralph: "I'm a horse. You are a mouse."

Ed: "Let me say this. I rather be a live mouse then a dead horse."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph is playing poker. One of the boys, Sullivan left and is waiting for a bus.)

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "HEY KRAMDEN, CUT OUT THE NOISE."

Ralph: "That's that crab Garrity from upstairs."

(Ralph goes to the window, opens it up and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO SLEEP? THIS IS AMERICA. A FREE COUNTRY."

(Ralph puts his head back in the place.)

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "HEY KRAMDEN! HEY KRAMDEN!"

(Ralph sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

(Garrity douses Ralph with water. Everyone in the room laughs.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP! YOU SHUT UP TOO DOWN THERE."

Ed: "Who are you yelling at now Ralph?"

Ralph: "Sullivan. He's waiting for the bus."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph is playing poker with his friends.)

Ralph: "We said that we were going to quit at 12 and it's 2am already."

Man: "Why didn't we quit at 12?"

Ed: "Ralph was losing then."

"Ralph's Diet":

(Ralph gets on the scale.)

Ralph: "I don't need to diet anymore. I lost a pound."

Alice: "Ralph, when you lose a pound, it's like Bayoone losing a mosquito."

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

(Ralph is playing pool.)

Ralph: "I just sunk in seventeen balls to tie the house record. I am now going to break the house record and I don't want to hear a sound out of you."

Ed (accidently making Ralph miss his shot): "You won't even know that I am here."

"Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind":

Ed: "Relax Ralph. No one is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Ed: "When are they going to find one big enough?"

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "Okay Wisenheimer, I am now going to put the key where even if you knew where it was, you wouldn't be able to find it. I am going to put it right under my pillow. Now you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get it."

Ed: "Congratulations Ralph, you came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ed just won the TV set with the ticket that Ralph bought for him. Ralph is jealous.)

Ed: "It's just like the guy said: 'A lesser man would have said: 'I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me.''"

Ralph: "I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me."

Frank Gannucci

08-06-2010, 07:21 AM

Frank Gannucci

08-07-2010, 07:18 AM

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "I would have given my life to be a jockey but I was a little too heavy."

Alice: "A little too heavy? You are too fat to be a horse Ralph."

"Unconventional Behavior":

(Ralph invites Alice to come along so he can get money for the convention. Alice was going to give him the money anyway. The men are upset that they know that Alice, and subsequently Trixie are coming along.)

Ed: "Can I ask you a question? How do you get us in these fixes?"

Ralph: "Very simple. Very simple Norton." (yells): "I HAVE A BIIIIIIG MOUTH!"

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph is trying to scrape money to make up for the lodge money he lost.)

Ralph: "All I could scrape together was $6."

Ed: "Why don't you hock Alice's wedding ring?"

Ralph: "Where do you think I got the $6 from?"

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "Throw a punch at me and I will duck."

(Ed throws a punch and hits Ralph.)

Ed: "Hey, that's some ducking Ralph. I can never hit you the second time."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ed: "Now listen Ralph, as long as we are neighbors, you don't have to call me Norton. Call me Edwardo."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Ralph, I told my boss that I am not married and that I live with my brother. So, when he gets here tonight, you are my brother."

(Ralph walks into the bedroom.)

Ralph (coming out, yells): "WHAT?"

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many times have I been held up while on the job?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "The first five, they got nothing."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(The Kramdens and Nortons are in the lemon that is their cottage.)

Ralph: "What do you think is the first thing we should do here?"

Alice: "Burn it down."

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous, that I couldn't answer the first question."

Ralph: "What question was that?"

Ed: "My name."

Frank Gannucci

08-08-2010, 07:05 AM

"Vacation At Fred's Landing" (1954 version):

(A "real" bear comes to Ed. Ed thinks that it's Ralph in disguise. Ralph is in back of Ed.)

Ralph: "Norton, I am over here."

Ed (yells in fright): "EEE!"

"The Loudspeaker":

Ed: "You got a call from the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler, the emperor of all Raccoondoom? I don't believe it."

Ralph: "Sure you don't because you never got a call from him."

Ed: "He doesn't have to call me. He works right beside me in the sewer."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph and Ed rehearse their mind-reading act in which Ralph will hold up an object while Ed tries to guess it with the help of Ralph's clue while he can't see. Ed's eyes are closed while Ralph holds up a watch.)

Ralph: "Watch out for this, o' swami."

Ed: "What's the clue?"

"Sleppy Time Gal":

(Alice is making the Great Fatchumara, Ralph & Ed think that she is hypnotized.)

G.F.: "Mrs. Kramden, what do you think of your husband?"

Alice: "I don't want him. You can have him. He's too fat for me."

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "Mr. Norton, I want you to count down from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Thelma: "O-KAY"

Ralph: "I said stop saying O-Kay It's very good sir, this happens to be my guest and I am your employer."

Thelma: "Some guest and some employer, The SIMP and the BLIMP!!"

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "How could I get there as fast as you Alice?"

Ed: "Take off 90 pounds."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "What kind of a mind must a man have to put a lit cigarette in a sink loaded with balloons?"

Ed: "What kind of mind must you have to have a sink full of balloons?"

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Now what we have to do is wait for Mr. Gleason to show up."

Ed: "That could be kind of tough. With the way that he's built, it's hard to tell if he's coming or going."

Frank Gannucci

08-09-2010, 07:18 AM

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph thinks he just got nominated Raccoon of The Year.)

Ralph: "Alice, something happent to me today that is probably, and without a doubt. One of the finest things to ever happen to me in my life. There isn't anything in the world that could have happened to me that is better than what happened to me today! And if you guess for a million years - for a million years - you couldn't guess what it was that happened to me today!"

Alice: "Well, there's only one thing I can think of from the way you are acting. You've been named Raccoon of the Year in that silly lodge of yours."

"A Dog's Life":

Trixie (from upstairs, yells): "OH ALICE! OH ALICE!"

Ed: "There it is. The voice of doom."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing" (1954 version):

Trixie: "Maybe the radiator needs some water."

Ralph: "Well, now that's very clever and which one of the Pep Boys are you, Manny, Moe or Jack? If I had any water, I would put it in there."

Trixie: "Ralph, I was only thinking..."

Ralph: "Well, don't think.Just keep your mouth shut."

Ed: "Just a minute. You seem to have forgotten that she's my wife and I don't like you yelling at her that way." (to Trixie, yells): "NOW STOP THINKING AND SHUT UP!"

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Alice accidently throws her pool cue.)

Alice: "I guess I wasn't supposed to do that."

Ralph: "What was that?"

Alice: "I guess I wasn't supposed to do that, wasn't I?"

Ralph: "Not if we are playing pool but if we are javelin throwing, we are."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

Ed: "I filed a lawsuit once. The lawyers claimed that I didn't even have a case."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I was working in the sewer and a manhole cover fell on my head."

Ralph: "Why couldn't you win the case?"

Ed: "I couldn't prove it did any damage."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ed: "Every time I play cards, I lose. Every single time then after when I get home, I tell Trixie I lost. She gets mad at me. She hollers at me. I can't eat. I can't sleep. At work, I am sick all day."

Ralph: "Then why do you play for?"

Ed: "It's the only fun I get."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph are at the Help The Needy Society's caseworker's desk. Ralph's jacket is very ripped because of Ed Norton trying to make Ralph look like a bum.)

Ralph: "I am a needy case. Look at me."

Ed: "This is his Sunday suit."

"The Loudspeaker":

Alice: "I suppose you were cold sober the night you came home, went into the bedroom, stuck your head out and yelled: 'Hey Mrs. Gallagher, why is your cat doing in my apartment?'"

Ralph: "I'll ask you again. What was her cat doing in this apartment?"

Alice: "It wasn't her cat. You had your Racoon hat on backwards."

"Nephew of the Bride":

(Ralph wants to get rid of Aunt Ethel.)

Ed: "Why don't you put your head out the window and holler: 'Fire!'"

Ralph: "Suppose other people hear it? Then they will think the fire is real."

Ed: "Then you yell: 'Fire, Aunt Ethel.'"

Frank Gannucci

08-10-2010, 07:23 AM

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

Mon. Aug. 16, 2010 1a #006 (aka #097) - "The Sleepwalker": Norton's sleepwalking becomes a waking nightmare Ralph, who can't get any sleep because he's been asked to keep his pal from wandering off on late-night strolls around the neighborhood. Doctor: George Petrie.

1:30a #80 (aka #140) - *“My Fair Landlord”: Ralph buys a two-family house and the Nortons become Ralph's tenants. After moving in, Norton tries to break his lease.

Mon. Aug. 23, 2010 1a #71 (aka #50) (CC) – “This is Your Life (Part One)”: Ralph is chosen to be on the television program "This is Your Life," but it must be kept a secret from him. When Ralph sees Alice and the show's producer together, he thinks Alice is having an affair.

1:30a (CC) #72 – “This is Your Life (Part Two)”: Ralph and Norton find airline tickets in Alice's bag and believe she is planning to run away with the producer of "This is Your Life."
(METv):

(WWME) (METv in Chicago):

(METv is also available in Milwaukee and South Bend, Indiana.)

I decided to repost my schedule.

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

All times are Central.

All episodes may be in CC.

Tue. Aug. 10, 2010 10:30p #022 (aka #113) - "Here Comes The Bride": On the eve of his lodge brother Stanle y's marriage to Alice's sister, Ralph---the self-proclaimed "king of [his] castle"---gives his future brother-in-law marital advice. Furious that Stanley has agreed to live with Alice's parents, Ralph instructs him to put his foot down. "I don't want to argue," he tells Ralph, prompting Norton to reply: "If you don't want to argue, what are you getting married for?"

Wed. Aug. 11, 2010 10:30p #023 (aka #114) - "Mama Loves Mambo": A dance teacher moves into the building and has all the husbands kicking up a fuss. Ralph and Norton had the idea that Carlos Sanchez was an old man who might like to relax with a game of checkers. He's not---bachelor Carlos is suave and handsome, and worse, is giving their wives mambo lessons in the Kramdens' apartment. Sanchez: Charles Korvin.

Thu. Aug. 12, 2010 10:30p #024 (aka #115) - "Please Leave The Premises": Ralph refuses to pay a rent increase of $5 a month and, to avoid eviction, barricades himself, Alice and Norton in the apartment. Its war, says Ralph, and he's the general of their army. But after a few days without heat, and the food supply reduced to only celery, General Kramden hatches a plan to get fresh grub from the neighborhood delicatessen. Mr. Johnson: Luis Van Rooten.

Fri. Aug. 13, 2010 10:30p #025 (aka #116) - "House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"): Alice accepts a department store's offer to redecorate their apartment for free. She wants to surprise Ralph, so she arranges to secretly meet with the decorator---who then makes the mistake of leaving one of his gloves in the flat. When Ralph finds the glove, he suspects Alice of having an affair. Andre: Alexander Clark.

Sat. Aug. 14, 2010 6p #44 (aka #74) - *“Kramden Vs. Norton”: Ralph takes Ed to the movies for his birthday. Norton wins a television set with the ticket Ralph bought, and the two friends fight over who really owns the TV set.

6:30p #45 (aka #80) - *“The Great Jewel Robbery”: Ralph collects money at the bus company to buy a wedding present for the boss' daughter, but Alice thinks the gift is for her.

Sun. Aug. 15, 2010 10:30p #87 (aka #76) – “The Hypnotist (Part One)”: Ralph and Norton see a demonstration by "The World's Greatest Hypnotist." When Alice won't give Ralph money for a convention trip, he decides that hypnotism might work on her.

Mon. Aug. 16, 2010 10:30p #026 (aka #117) - "Young Man With A Horn": The discovery of his old cornet and an unexpected visit by a self-made millionaire prompt Ralph to wonder why he hasn't achieved more success and hit the "high note" in his life. As a result, he decides to make a list of his good points and do something to correct his bad ones.

Tue. Aug. 17, 2010 10:30p #027 (aka #118) - “Ralph’s Big Mouth” (aka "Head of The House"): In the hilarious "Head of the House" (originally telecast March 31, 1956), Ralph marks his "emancipation" as king of his castle by sitting down with Norton to finish a bottle of wine that is "a little strong but good." Their first toast, Ralph says, is "to my wife, who has finally found her place." Actually, what Alice found was a bottle of grape juice, which she substituted for the wine. When the men get plastered and pass out, Trixie and Alice pour their own drinks and make their own toasts. "I give you our husbands," says Trixie. "You can have 'em," says Alice. The wine-and-grape-juice scene, Art Carney recalled, was one of his favorites. "We really were laughing at each other...because we were supposed to be laughing...crocked and everything. Funny scene."

Wed. Aug. 18, 2010 10:30p #028 (aka #119) - "The Worry Wart": Ralph's nerves are taxed when he gets a letter requesting his presence at the IRS office. Alice tries to calm him by reminding him that many people have their returns reviewed. "You're darn right," Norton agrees. "The jails are full of them." Norton, in fact, is helping Ralph review the business deductions he made on his returns and then lends his buddy moral support by accompanying him to the IRS office.

Thu. Aug. 19, 2010 10:30p #029 (aka #120) - "Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"): While leaving the pool hall, Ralph witnesses a bank robbery and takes a bullet through his hat. That's reason enough for him to believe that the thugs will come gunning for him, so Norton tells his on-edge pal to just relax and watch some TV. "What's playing tonight?" Ralph asks. Norton's reply: "Dead Men Tell No Tales." Bibbo: Frank Marth. Danny: George Petrie.

Fri. Aug. 20, 2010 10:30p #030 (aka #121) - "The Loudspeaker": Ralph thinks he'll be named Raccoon of the Year, so he begins writing his acceptance speech (if he could only get rid of his hiccups). It's a very distinctive honor, he reminds the skeptical Alice, because it entitles the two of them to "free burial privileges in the Raccoons' national cemetery in Bismarck, North Dakota."

Sat. Aug. 21, 2010 6p #46 (aka #84) - *“Stars Over Flatbush”: Norton convinces Ralph that astrology will help him predict how to get a raise, and Ralph lets the stars rule his life.

6:30p #47 (aka #88) - *“The Principle of the Thing”: To please Alice, Ralph decides to use rent money to fix up their apartment. GUEST STAR -Classic TV Tightwad - Jack Benny

Sun. Aug. 22, 2010 #87 (aka #76) – “The Hypnotist (Part One)”: Ralph and Norton see a demonstration by "The World's Greatest Hypnotist." When Alice won't give Ralph money for a convention trip, he decides that hypnotism might work on her.

Mon. Aug. 23, 2010 10:30p #031 (aka #122) - "On Stage": "Polo ponies." "On Stage" (originally telecast April 28, 1956) actually began, says co-writer Leonard Stern, "with that one word...and we built a whole sketch around it." And it's that single word---pronounced by Norton (Art Carney) to rhyme with monopolies---that has almost single-handedly made this a favorite among Honeymooners fans. The episode begins with Ralph getting a juicy part in a play being mounted by the Raccoon Lodge's Women's Auxiliary. Suddenly Ralph is strutting around like the Barrymore of Bensonhurst and entertaining dreams that a Hollywood producer in the audience will offer him a contract. But before the actual performance, there's a rehearsal with Norton---and that word---to contend with.

Tue. Aug. 24, 2010 10:30p #032 (aka #129) - "Dial J For Janitor": Ralph can't seem to pipe down about the failures of his building's janitor. Then he finds out that the position pays $150 a month with free rent---and decides to take the job himself. Now the most gripes are coming from Norton, who says he hasn't had water in his apartment for so long that he's beginning to "see mirages." Mr. Johnson: Luis Van Rooten. Mrs. Manicotti: Zamah Cunningham.

Wed. Aug. 25, 2010 10:30p #033 (aka #123) - "Opportunity Knocks, But": When Mr. Marshall asks him for a lesson in shooting pool, Ralph believes that his social visit to his boss's Park Avenue home is the cue for his finally advancing in the company. But it's Norton who racks up points in "Opportunity Knocks But," which originally aired May 5, 1956. The pool lesson just gets under way when Norton---not Ralph---starts offering suggestions about making improvements at the company. Impressed, Marshall offers him a job as "Bus Driver Supervisor." Marshall says he likes a man who can think on his feet, but as an enraged Ralph later tells Alice: "Norton works in the sewer. He has to think on his feet; if he sat down he'd drown." But Norton, who's thinking of accepting the offer, tells his buddy not to worry. "As long as I am an executive at that bus company," he tells Ralph, "you are sure of being a bus driver as long as you live."

Thu. Aug. 26, 2010 10:30p #034 (aka #130) - "A Man's Pride": Ralph is too proud to tell a seemingly successful old friend that he drives a bus, so he says he "runs things" at the company in the last Honeymooners episode of the "classic 39," which originally ran from 1955 to '56. CLASSIC KRAMDEN- Ralph's reaction to the dinner check.

Fri. Aug. 27, 2010 10:30p #035 (aka #124) - "Unconventional Behavior": Ralph and Norton become joined at the wrists when Norton tries out his "trick handcuffs" in "Unconventional Behavior," which originally aired May 12, 1956. Aboard a train en route to the lodge's convention in Minneapolis, the guys look forward to "five days of hilarity" and try out some of the novelty items that Norton's brought along. But when Norton's handcuffs won't unlock (there is no key), he and Ralph become closer than they'd like. This scenario yields some memorable physical humor, including Norton trying to take his coat off and the guys trying to figure out some way to sleep in upper and lower berths. It also provides one of the series' all-time lines. "Mind if I smoke?" Norton asks a frustrated Ralph. "I don't care if you burn," Ralph fires back.

Sat. Aug. 28, 2010 6p #48 (aka #138) - *“Finders Keepers”: Ralph and Norton want to buy a candy store. To raise the money, they participate in a contest to find $1,000 hidden somewhere in New York City.

6:30p #49 (aka #41) - *“Hot Dog Stand”: Ralph wants to buy a hot dog stand but Alice refuses to give him the money, so he and Norton pose as successful businessmen to get a bank loan.

*: This episode has been edited HEAVILY.

Credit goes to zap2it.com, the old honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & John K's Book To The Moon.

"Norton Moves In" (Color):

(The Nortons come down and ask if they can spend the night since they can't stand the smell of the new paint in their house. Alice okays it. They leave. Ralph is still asleep.)

Ralph: "3am? Why did you wake me up at this time for?"

Alice: "Because the Nortons had their apartment painted today."

Ralph: "Did that newsflash just come across the radio?"

"Brother-In-Law":

Ralph: "You are a doer and I'm a thinker."

Ed: "You certainly are."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ed (looking at a map): "Here's New York City, that is where we started from. Then we go through the Lincoln Tunnel. This black dot here is Jersey City. This black dot here is Bayoone."

Ralph: "Well, Bayoone moving. That's an ant."

Ed: "Let's follow the ant. He looks like he knows where he is going."

"A Man's Pride":

Alice: "Why can't we go to the Colonade Room?"

Ralph: "Name me one truck driver who eats there?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph is at the dog pound. He just gave back Alice's dog that he hated, but slowly and surely he started not hating it.)

Ralph: "Is my dog going to get a good home?"

Man: "I hope so."

Ralph: "What do you mean by that?"

Man: "We have several dogs who are only supposed to be here for four days. We got several who are over the limit."

Ralph: "What happens to the dogs who are over the limit?"

Man: "They have to be destoryed."

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that the dog I just gave back is going to be destroyed?" (going into the room where all the dogs are, yells): "WAIT A MINUTE!"

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ed: "I know a person who died from stubbing his toe?"

Man: "Stubbing his toe? How is that possible?"

Ed: "He stubbed it on the Grand Canyon's edge."

Frank Gannucci

08-11-2010, 07:20 AM

"Six Months To Live" (Color version):

Telegram Man: "I was instructed to give this letter to Mrs. Kramden."

Ralph (taking the letter): "I'm Mister Kramden."

(The telegram man holds out his hand, expecting a tip.)

Ralph: "Your hand is very dirty."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph is about to sit on Ed's toy boat and he doesn't know it. Ed
tries to warn him.)

Ed: "Ralph..."

Ralph: "Don't talk to me. I'm not talking to you."

Ed: "Ralph..."

Ralph: "Shut up!"

Ralph (sitting on the toy boat, yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"Follow The Boys":

Alice: "Well Ralph, I am ready to sit down."

Ralph: "So?"

Alice: "Well, who's going to help me with my chair?"

Ralph: "There's only two of us in the room so unless you have a torn ligament or something, you'll do it."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Ralph is eating a stick of celery with a fork and knife right by him.)

Alice: "Ralph, how do you like your supper?"

(A pause.)

Ralph (yells): "YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THAT WAS MY SUPPER?"
(picking up the utensils, yells): "WHAT ARE THESE THINGS FOR, TO COMMIT SUICIDE WITH?"

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I cut out my bowling? It's my only relaxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need something to keep your wiehgt down. You need something to hold it up."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is trying to bang his pipes to get water for his apartment. Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "NORTON, WOULD YOU STOP THAT BANGING? I GOT A
HEADACHE."

Ed (from upstairs, yells): "I NEED WATER. I NEED TO TAKE A BATH."

Ralph (yells): "DO ME A FAVOR AND STAY DIRTY JUST FOR THE NIGHT."

"Unconventional Behavior":

(Ed & Ralph are handcuffed on a train. Ed tried syaing "Boomph" to get out, like he was instructed but it doesn't work.)

Ralph: "I have had enough of the boomphing. Get the key out and open them up."

Ed: "There ain't no key. You got to boomph your way out."

Ralph (yells): "I AM GOING TO BOOMPH YOU OUT OF THE WHOLE CAR."

"Boys & Girls Together":

Alice (hugging Ralph): "I suppose it's better with the lights on. That way I can see my big handsome man."

(She kisses Ralph.)

Ralph: "Have you been at that beer?"

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

(Ed has been hypnotized to believe he's going to work.)

Great Fatchumara: "You are down in the sewer now."

Ed: "I am down in the sewer now. Prepare to submerge."

(Ed "submerges.")

Ed: "I am now walking in the water." (looking at Ralph): "Look out. There's a whale in the sewer. It's Moby Dick."

Frank Gannucci

08-12-2010, 07:22 AM

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "You had enough food for you to last five days."

Ralph: "Is that so? Well, I want to live for at least six or seven days."

"Alice Plays Cupid":

Alice: "Who are you to talk about looks? You are no Humphrey Bogart."

Ralph: "No, but Henrietta is."

"Stand-In For Murder Part 1":

Ralph: "Some day, someone will discover you."

Ed: "Not unless he falls down an open manhole."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Ed: "Boy, it's going to be a great fight and I have some news for you. Word came from the candy store a little while ago about your fight and they knocked the odds down to 500 to 1."

Ralph: "You mean that they are betting 500 to 1 that I lose."

Ed: "No. They are betting 500 to 1 that you don't even show up."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking this set over my dead body."

Ed: "I couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "How could I waddle like a duck?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"Operation: Protset":

(Clifford makes the peace sign to Ralph.)

Cliff: "Peace."

Ralph (grabbing one of the fingers): "Alice, grab the other one and make a wish."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "This picture must be 15 years old."

Ralph: "Yeah. I seem to remember that dress."

Alice: "You should. I wore it yesterday."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "When did you get those glasses?"

Ed: "About four months ago. The doctor told me that I have to wear them when I read."

Ralph: "Do they help?"

Ed: "I don't know. This is the first time I have tried them out."

Frank Gannucci

08-13-2010, 07:20 AM

"Expectant Dad" & "The Adoption":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. They just called us 'Big' Ralph and 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"Double Anniversary":

Ralph: "Something smells good."

Ed: "It can't be me. I just got through working in the sewer."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "We got money in the bank. Don't we?"

Alice: "Yeah, we do. $3.31."

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "We must remove the mental block from the patient's subconscious mind. Do you follow?"

Ralph: "Not exactly but when you said 'Mental Block', I knew it had something to do with Norton."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "You just shattered another dream tonight. 'The Candy Store' dream we will call this one. You shattered it. When I was a kid, my dreams were shattered. I wanted a pony. I called it 'The Pony Dream.' That was shattered. My parents were broke. Both dreams shattered. The story of my life is shattered dreams."

Alice: "All right Ralph. I understand and I will make it up to you. You forget this 'Candy Store' dream and every Sunday, I will treat you to a pony ride."

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "I want to do the things that young people do. That is what makes you young."

Ralph: "You want to do that? Let's play games that young people play. Let's play house. I will be the daddy and you will be the mommy. All right Mommy CLEAN UP!"

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (reading): "'Four-letter word for place of dwelling.' I got that one. House: H-o-s-e. That is the trouble with these puzzles. They are not challenging."

Alice: "Yeah, they are easy. Easy: E-z-y."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: "For one of a nail, a shoe is lost. For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a battle was lost. And for one of a battle, a war was lost. And for one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost."

Alice: "Why don't you get lost?"

"Play It Again, Norton":

(Ed is disguised as Ralph's son. Ed has Alice's wig on.)

Ralph: "My son has my wife's eyes."

Ed: "I also have her hair."

Frank Gannucci

08-14-2010, 07:21 AM

"Hero Part 1":

Tommy: "He (Mr. Kramden) was a a great end in football."

Ed: "Great? Probably the biggest end in the business."

"Hero Part 1":

Alice: "Let me tell you something Ralph. When was the last time you lifted 400pounds?"

Ed: "This morning when he got out of bed."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ralph: "While I am gone, don't you even think about giving away this
furniture."

Alice: "I tried, but they wouldn't accept it."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Ralph: "After tonight, I may have my own pooltable in my apartment."

Ed: "If you do, you will probably have to stand on the sink to make a shot."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ralph: "Are you sure that that suitcase can hold $40,000,000? Why don't you cut pieces of paper into the sizes of dollar bills and find out."

(Ed opens the suitcase to reveal that he did just that.)

Ed: "Small details."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "Norton, do you like the furniture here?"

Ed: "Yeah."

Ralph (to Alice): "There you are."

Ed: "Of course. I don't live here."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph tries to butter up Alice.)

Ralph: "Do you know how foolish I am going out every night when I have a beautiful wife at home?"

Ed: "At least I got a good excuse."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "Norton, I'm going to remember you in my will. I'm leaving you my bowling shoes."

Ed: "Boy, thanks pal. I was just going to go out and buy myself a new pair of bowling shoes! This couldn't happen at a better time!"

"Be It Ever So Humble":

(The gang is in the broken-down home.)

Ed: "How long is this lease for?"

Ralph: "The usual."

Ed: "How long is that?"

Ralph "99 years."

Ed: "99 years?"

Ralph: "Yes, 99 years. That's what America gets from Great Britian when they do that lend-lease stuff."

Ed: "Yeah, but this place isn't exactly Bermuda."

Frank Gannucci

08-15-2010, 06:30 AM

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down the street, there AIN'T no other side."

"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):

Alice: "I got Ralph a new belt. I want to make sure it fits."

Trixie: "If it doesn't, you can always exchange it for a larger size."

Alice: "There ain't no larger size."

"The Hypnotist Part 2":

(Mike Case is about to hypnotize Alice to get her to tell Ralph where the money is so he can use it on the convention.)

Ralph (to Mike Case): "You might think that this is a little underhanded, but all's fair in love and war."

Ed: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"Brother-In-Law":

(Ralph leaps on to the couch to get the mouse. Ralph gets dust all over himeslf.)

Ed: "Did you get the mouse Ralph?"

Ralph: "No, I didn't get him."

Ed: "Then everybody stay quiet."

Ralph: "Why should we do that?"

Ed: "So we can hear the mouse. With all this dust around, he's bound to start coughing."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This is the biggest thing that I ever got into."

Alice: "The biggest thing you ever got into was your pants."

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph just lost the money from the lodge.)

Ralph: "Let's not get panicky."

Alice: "Ralph, did you put the money in an envelope?"

Ralph: "See? Now you are getting panicky."

"Norton Moves In":

(Ralph gets hurt by Norton's lit cigarette that Norton accidently dropped.)

Alice: "What happened?"

Ralph (yells): "NORTON WANTED TO HAVE A CIGARETTE."

Alice: "So?"

Ralph (yells): "HE USED ME FOR AN ASHTRAY."

"King of The Castle":

(Alice & Trixie are in Trixie's apartment. From the hallway, Ralph is moaning. Ralph is trying to play the sympathy routine. Alice is on to it.)

Alice: "If I don't pay attention, the moan is going to come in spurts like this: 'Whoooa-Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho!"

Ralph (from hallway, moans loudly): "WHOOOA-HO-HO-HO-HO! WHOOOA-HO-HO-HO-HO!"

"Manager of The Baseball Team" (Color):

Trixie: "Ralph has a good head on his shoulders."

Ed: "What is this on my shoulders, a volleyball?"

Frank Gannucci

08-16-2010, 07:15 AM

"A Matter of Life & Death":

(Alice laughs at Ralph's "Death letter.")

Alice: "This is a riot."

Ralph: "This is a riot. We will see how much of a riot it is when you have to finish the payments on the ice box."

"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "I am going to count to 10 and when I do, I am going to belt you."

Ed: "I am not scared of you. If you could count to 10, you wouldn't be investigated by the IRS."

Ralph (yells): "OUT!"

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "Loans are a bank's lifeblood."

Ralph: "Good because we are in desperate need of a transfusion."

"Mexican Hat Trick":
Ralph: "Well Norton, do I look like a gay Cabrello?"

Ed: "Let me see you walk."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Trixie was down here and she said that she saw you on the show."

Ralph: "She was? Well, what did she say?"

Alice: "Well, she said that she was the biggest thing on TV."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I know New York from top to bottom."

Ed: "I have been working in the sewer for years. I know New York from bottom to top."

“Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I'll get the $300 Alice. I'll get it if I have to sell everything in this house."

Alice: "Fine. But, what are you going to do about the other $280?"

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph is looking for a paper with his social security # on it.)

Ralph: "I think I found it. Here it is: 56-68-73."

Alice: "Those are the measurements for that new suit you bought."

Frank Gannucci

08-17-2010, 07:21 AM

Frank Gannucci

08-18-2010, 07:18 AM

"Confusion, Italian Style":

(Ralph is thinking that Alice is seeing a boy named Harry Vederchi because he heard her on the phone talking to him and he thinks that is his name when she said 'Arribaderchi.' Ralph tells her what is wrong with him. What does he say?)

Ralph: "All right. Harry Vederchi."

Alice: "All right, good-bye."

"Norton Moves In" (Color):

Ralph: "They are going upstairs."

Alice: "They are staying here."

Ralph (yells): "THEY ARE GOING UPSTAIRS."

Alice: "They are going upstairs over my dead body."

Ralph: "Don't tempt me."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph tries to get Art Carney's autograph for Alice.)

Art: "What's the name?"

Ralph: "My name is Ralph Kramden, but she knows that."

"Stand-In For Murder Part 1":

(Alice is mixing plaster in a bowl. She tunrs on the radio and "In The Mood" plays. Ed Norton comes in and dances to the music with the bowl in his hands. Alice is amused.)

Alice: "Stop that Ed. You are getting plaster all over the floor."

(Alice turns off the radio.)

Ed: "I got an idea. Why don't the four of us all go out dancing one night."

Alice: "Ralph hates dancing."

Ed: "Forget about him. Just bring the bowl."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "Wait a minute. I think I know why this dresser is so heavy. The drawers are probably loaded with junk. Why don't we take them out?"

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes out the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 2":

(Aunt Ethel and Fred are alone in the kitchen. A record is being played.)

(Ed comes in.)

Ed: "Howdy folks. I heard the phonograph playing. I thought you would like some of my records better. Here is a good one."

(Ed puts it on.)

(Loud big band music plays. Ed dances to it.)

(Ralph comes out and takes Ed's record off.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed is hypnotized. He sees Ralph.)

Ed: "Look out. There's a whale in the sewer. It's Moby Dick."

Ralph: "If he wasn't under a spell, I would fracture his skull."

"Manager of The Baseball Team":

Trixie: "Ralph has a good head on his shoulders."

Ed: "What is this on my shoulders, a volleyball?"

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that's very encouraging that you sold to your last costumer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you found the right thing to say. Did you remember what you said to that last costumer?"

Ed: "Sure I do. I said: 'Mama, you just got to buy this iron.'"

Frank Gannucci

08-19-2010, 07:16 AM

Frank Gannucci

08-20-2010, 07:16 AM

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I cut down on my bowling? It's my only relaxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need something to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph looks at the burnt jacket.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that's my idea of a burn."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Rita: "Your husband certainly is a trea-sure."

(Rita leaves.)

Alice: "A trea-sure? If he keeps this up much longer, he will be a buried trea-sure."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "Today, I'm fired. Tomorrow, I'm forgotten. They probably won't even know what I look like."

Ed: "That is okay. You og down there tomorrow and apply for another job."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ralph: "While I am gone, try not to give away the furniture."

Alice: "I tried, but they wouldn't accept it."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Alice: "We are living just like the Indians did."

Ralph: "If the Indians had to live like this, no wonder they are the vanishing race."

"The Mod Couple" (aka "Honeymooners In England"):

Trixie: "I don't think I am the maid type."

Ed: "She's right Ralph. Do you think you can cast her as an English Bulldog?"

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "How do you like your new place Triixe?"

Trixie: "That is a very dangerous question to ask me when I have a hammer in my hand."

"Flushing Ho":

Ed: "Hey Ralph, I dropped the soap somewhere in the bathroom. You will have to find it."

Ralph (from bathroom, yells): "WHAT?"

Ed (yells): "I SAID..."

Ralph (from bathroom, yells): "I CAN'T HEAR YOU. TALK TO ME LATER." (slipping on soap, yells): "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Frank Gannucci

08-21-2010, 07:35 AM

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "I got news for you Alice. Your husband is crazy."

Alice: "Okay. So what's the big news?"

"The $99,000 Answer":

Ralph: "This time I am going to get my pot of gold."

Alice: "Just go for the gold. You already got the pot."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

(Ed & Ralph are sparring with each other.)

Ed: "Cover up your face! Cover up your face!"

(Ralph does that. Ed hits him in the stomach.)

Ralph (yells in pain): "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAA! WHOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! WHY DID YOU PUNCH ME IN THE STOMACH WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO COVER UP MY FACE?"

Ed: "That should tell you not to trust anybody in the ring."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Alice: "You seem to have forgotten that I am a woman."

Ralph: "I forgot that you are a woman? How could I? You are always yappin'."

"Peacemaker":

Ed (to Trixie): "I could have married Kora Brendsetter and her father is a PRETTY important man down town. He told me that if I married her, he would have me transferred from the Sewer Department. I never threw this in your face before, but if I married Kora Brendsetter, today I would be driving my own garbage truck."

Ralph: "Driving your own garbage truck? He must have been a PRETTY important man down town."

"We Spy":

(Ralph & Ed greet the girls wearing Russian uniforms. They try telling the girls the story about them being mistakes for spies in Russia.)

Ralph: "Honestly I am telling the truth. Where do you think we got these clothes from?"

Alice (reading the label on Ralph's uniform): "'The Fat Man's Shop.'"

"Love Letter":

Ralph: "What did Trixie have behind her back?"

Alice: "It was nothing."

Ralph: "Alice, you don't hold nothing behind your back. You hold it in front where everybody can see it."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Doctor: "This is an aptitude test. You are going to like this. This is fun."

Ed: "Can three people play."

"Without Reservations":

(The boys are in the broken-down hotel.)

Ralph: "When the girls see this place, they may not see the business possibilities of it. You know they can't see their nose in front of their face."

Ed: "That is the only hope we got."

Frank Gannucci

08-22-2010, 07:08 AM

Frank Gannucci

08-23-2010, 07:18 AM

"Please Leave The Premises":

(Ralph & Alice are fighting the rent increase by doing without heat, gas, water & electricity. Alice wants to leave.)

Ralph: "I'm the General. What I say goes."

Alice: "Than you better say Alice because I am going."

"Man From Space":

Ralph: "You are not up on the latest developments."

Alice: "I'm not? Who is it that lets your pants out every week?"

"Hero Part 1":

(Ralph opens a can of turpinetine. Tommy is amazed.)

Tommy: "That proves that I am right."

Ralph: "Right about what?"

Tommy: "Well, I say that it is all muscle. But, all my friends say that you are a big load of fat."

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in their uniforms. Ed's bellhop uniform is too tight.)

Ralph: "Are there any questions?"

Ed: "Yes, how do I get out of this chicken outfit?"

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that is very encouraging that you sold to your last customer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you finally hit on the right approach. Now, do you remember what you said?"

Ed: "Sure. I said: `Mama, you just go to buy this iron.'"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph is dressed up as a hola girl. Trixie is dressed up as a sailor. They are rehearsing for a talent contest. Ralph comes in.)

Ralph: "What are you doing and who is he?"

Alice: "That's Trixie."

Ralph (to Trixie): "All right. What are you doing and who is she (Alice)?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "My mother had an offer to appear in silent pictures but she turned that down."

Ralph: "For your information, the reason why she did that was because she couldn't keep silent."

"Principle of The Thing":

(The Kramdens have no water. Ed tries to listen to the pipes with a stethoscope to see what the trouble is.)

Ed: "There is your trouble right there. No water."

Ralph: "Did you hear that? He said no water. There's an intelligent man who has spent practically his entire life in the swer and believe you me when he says that there is no water, there is no water." (yells): "I KNOW THERE IS NO WATER."

Ed: "Now you are getting it from the expert's mouth."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "I think the wallpaper is pretty. Alice thinks it is rotten. What do you think?"

(Ed looks at it.)

Ed: "I think that you are both right. It's pretty rotten."

Frank Gannucci

08-24-2010, 07:18 AM

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "Is that you Mr. Johnson?"

Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "YES IT IS MR. KRAMDEN AND I HAVE THE SHERRIFF WITH ME. OPEN UP!"

Ralph: "Are you crazy? If I open the door, you will slap me with a rent increase. Ha ha. I am not opening up."

Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "STAY IN THERE. BUT THE SHERRIFF IS POSTING ONE OF HIS MEN IN THIS HALLWAY AND THE MINUTE YOU OPEN THAT DOOR, HE WILL SLAP YOU WITH AN EVICTION NOTICE AND DON'T TRY TO GO OUT THE FIRE ESCAPE. HE WILL HAVE A MAN OUT THERE TOO."

(Ralph looks scared.)

Ralph (to Alice): "Just what I told you. He is scared to death."

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Ralph Kramden?"

Ed: "I am as close as anybody can get to Ralph Kramden."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph is going to try to sell KramMar's to Mr. Marshall.)

Ralph: "What I have in this lunchbox is something that is worth a million dollars."

Mr. Marshall: "Then you must have had a good day on the bus."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "When I win the contest, I am going to get myself a leather lumbar jacket, a pair of bowling shoes and before I am finished, you will get a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "At least my relatives don't come by unexpected."

Alice: "No, they come as steady as clockwork. Three times a week."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "This picture must be 15 years old."

Ralph: "Yeah. I seem to remember that dress."

Alice: "You should. I wore it yesterday."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

(They are inside Uncle Howard's mansion.)

(Howard picking up a vase):

Howard: "They think that one day, all of this will be there's."

Ed: "Howard, quick fooling around with Ralph's vase."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ed: "Why don't you take Stanley and Sally to your apartment to see how you and Alice get along?"

Ralph: "I want to postpone the wedding. Not cancel it forever."

"Poor People of Paris":

Ralph: "If I were you, I wouldn't go out in May."

Ed: "Why?"

Ralph: "Because that is when they gather nuts."

Frank Gannucci

08-25-2010, 07:16 AM

"Hello Mom":

(Ralph has just found out that much to his chagrin, his mother-in-law is coming.)

Ed: "Hey Ralph, you forgot to give me the friendly Raccoon Bye-Bye." (raising the tail on his Raccoon cap): "Whooooooooo!"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Hello Mom":

Ed: "Ralph, a three-letter word for exit."

Ralph (yells): "OUT!"

Ed: "Yeah, that will work."

Ralph (yells): "NOT THAT. GET OUT!"

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "I want you count backwards from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 2":

(Ed walks in while Freddie Zimmerman and Ethel are talking.)

Ed: "Howdy folks! I heard the phonograph playing and I thought you would like some of my music better. Here's a good one."

(Ed puts on a record that plays loud big band music. He dances to the music. Ralph comes out and takes the record off the record player.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT OF HERE! GET OUT!"

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ed: "You know the saying. 'For every man, there's a woman. For every woman, there's a man.'"

Ralph: "Then why is Aunt Ethel staying at my house?"

Ed: "Maybe you're the man for her."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Alice: "I am not going to Fred's Landing. I'm not going to Fred's Landing."

Ralph: "All right. Stay home."

Alice: "I wouldn't give you the satisifaction."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "I'm a nobody."

Ed: "I could have told you that 10 years ago."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "Take it from the top Norton."

(Ed clears the top of the piano and sits on it.)

Ralph: "What are you doing?"

Ed: "You told me to take it from the top."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Your brother is a moocher, a swindler, and a bum."

Alice: "What did you say?"

Ralph: "I said that your brother is a bum."

Alice: "My brother is just as good as any member of your family."

Ralph: "He's still a bum."

Frank Gannucci

08-26-2010, 01:35 PM

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

Mon. Aug. 30, 2010 1a #020 (aka #111) - "Young At Heart": Ralph wants to prove to Alice that he's still young at heart by learning dances like the Big Apple and the Suzie Q., which prompts Norton to ask: "How can anyone so round be so square?" But he's still determined, so the Kramdens and the Nortons decide to make a night of it by going roller-skating. Ralph on wheels at the rink makes for one of the series' classic scenes. Another has Norton teaching Ralph how to do the Hucklebuck.

1:30a (CC) #45 (aka #80) - *“The Great Jewel Robbery”: Ralph collects money at the bus company to buy a wedding present for the boss' daughter, but Alice thinks the gift is for her.

Mon. Sep. 6, 2010 1a #001 (aka #092) - "TV or Not TV": Ralph and Norton go partners on a new TV, but Ralph rigs a coin toss so the set stays in the Kramden apartment. It's not long before Ralph becomes a total zombie to the new medium, and all Norton wants to do is don his space helmet and watch "Captain Video."

1:30a (CC) #75 - *“Catch a Star”: At a Raccoon Lodge meeting, Ralph lies that he knows Jackie Gleason and can get him to appear at the Raccoon's annual dance. Desperately, Ralph and Norton go to the hotel where Gleason is staying and try to convince "The Great One" to appear. FUN FACT - Jackie Gleason, Art Carney, Audrey Meadows and Joyce Randolph play dual roles in this episode but Audrey's appearance is edited out in syndication.

(WWME) (METv in Chicago):

(METv is also available in Milwaukee and South Bend, Indiana.)

All times are Central.

All episodes may be in CC.

Sun. Aug. 29, 2010 10:30p #90 (aka #61) – “Two Men on a Horse (Part One)”: When Ralph loses a large sum of money he was to deposit for the Raccoon Lodge, he and Norton think of ways to make the money back in one day.

Mon. Aug. 30, 2010 10:30p #036 (aka #128) - "The Bensonhurst Bomber": An argument in the pool hall and a joke about a man's name figure in "The Bensonhurst Bomber," which originally aired Sept. 8, 1956. Of all the guest characters on The Honeymooners, few names are more recognizable to fans than "Harvey," or, as Ralph pronounces it, "Har-vee!" In fact, it's that exaggerated pronunciation that gets Ralph in hot water when the towering bully Harvey challenges Ralph to a fight at Kelsey's Gym. As the showdown approaches, a nervous Ralph believes a wiser plan might be to leave town, but Norton insists he has to fight Harvey, especially since they're closing the pool hall in Ralph's honor. "If I fight that Harvey," Ralph replies, "they'll be closing it in my memory."

Tue. Aug. 31, 2010 10:30p #037 (aka #125) - "The Safety Award": Ralph is honored with an award for being "the safest bus driver in the city" and plans to take Alice and the Nortons to the ceremony at City Hall. But his big day is plagued with problems, culminating with Ralph having an accident in his friend's car. Ever the optimist, Norton offers a distressed Ralph some sewer-worker words of wisdom: "When the tides of life turn against you, and the current upsets your boat, don't waste those tears on what might have been, just lay on your back and float." Mr. Martin: Frank Marth.

Wed. Sep. 1, 2010 10:30p #038 (aka #126) - "Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"): Norton gets fired from his job in the sewer after taking Ralph's advice about demanding a promotion. Finding something new won't be easy, Norton says, because, after all, a sewer worker is like a brain surgeon---"we're both s specialists" Still, after a couple of weeks, he finds work selling irons door-to-door. And when he tells his pal that he made $40 his first day on the job, Ralph suddenly contemplates leaving the bus company to become a salesman with Norton's company.

Thu. Sep. 2, 2010 10:30p #036 (aka #127) - "Alice & The Blonde": Audrey Meadows said that she "loved" the episode titled "Alice and the Blonde" (originally telecast June 2, 1956), and it's easy to see why. For once, it's Alice who's fuming. It's all because of what happens at the home of one of Ralph's co-workers. Trying to ingratiate himself with Bert Weedemeyer (who Ralph thinks may become the bus company's new general manager), Ralph---with Norton by his side, naturally-heaps compliments on the man's wife, a ditsy platinum blond who calls her husband "Twinkles." Ralph's fawning and flattery isn't amusing Alice, who'll have her revenge. Rita Weedemeyer: Freda Rosen. Bert: Frank Behrens.

Fri. Sep. 3, 2010 10:30p #001 (aka #092) - "TV or Not TV": Ralph and Norton go partners on a new TV, but Ralph rigs a coin toss so the set stays in the Kramden apartment. It's not long before Ralph becomes a total zombie to the new medium, and all Norton wants to do is don his space helmet and watch "Captain Video."

Sat. Sep. 4, 2010 6:00p #50 (aka #137) - *“Love Letter” ('56 version): Ralph fears Norton and Alice are having an affair after finding a love letter from Norton he thinks is intended for Alice.

6:30p #51 (aka #37/#22) – “‘Guest Speaker’/‘Lost Job’”: (For “Guest Speaker”): Ralph keeps getting interrupted while practicing his speech for the Raccoon Lodge meeting. (For “Lost Job”): Ralph is sure he's been fired when he gets a pink slip in his paycheck

Sun. Sep. 5, 2010 10:30p #91 – “Two Men on a Horse (Part Two)”: Ralph and Norton get a hot tip on a horse and go to the track to place their bet. When the odds on their horse go down, Ralph and Norton scheme to sway the odds in their favor.

Mon. Sep. 6, 2010 10:30p #002 (aka #093) - "Funny Money": Ralph finds a suitcase filled with money, enough, Norton says, to "keep him in pizza for the rest of his life." There's one slight problem: the money is counterfeit, and the gangsters who printed it want it back. Alice's Mother: Ethel Owen. Boss: Boris Aplon. Ziggy: Frank Marth.

Tue. Sep. 7, 2010 10:30p #003 (aka #094) - "The Golfer": Hello, ball! That memorable salutation---delivered by Norton (Art Carney) as he shows the proper way to "address the ball"---has made "The Golfer" (first aired on Oct. 15, 1955) a favorite in the series canon. Ralph's trying to impress his boss by offering to join him in a foursome. Problem is, Ralph's never picked up a club in his life and learning to play in two days, he concedes, won't be easy---"It'd take me at least a week." That doesn't stop him from turning his kitchen into a fairway, using a pin cushion as a ball and, unforgettably, getting into the mood by donning an outlandish golfing outfit that is, to quote Norton, "dee-vine." DON'T MISS – Ed addressing the ball.

Wed. Sep. 8, 2010 10:30p #004 (aka #095) - "A Woman's Work Is Never Done": Tired of Ralph's complaints about household chores not being done, Alice convinces him to hire a maid. But the new domestic is rapidly getting fed up taking orders from Norton and Ralph, or as she calls them, "the simp and the blimp." Thelma: Betty Garde. Wilson: Frank Marth.

Thu. Sep. 9, 2010 10:30p #005 (aka #096) - "A Matter of Life & Death": Ralph gets the idea in his head that he has six months to live, so he decides to sell his story to a magazine. But when he learns it's all a mistake and that he can be prosecuted for fraud, he enlists Norton to pose as a doctor ("don't touch me, I'm sterile") who can cure him of the dreaded "arterial monochromia." Publisher: George Petrie.

Fri. Sep. 10, 2010 10:30p #006 (aka #097) - "The Sleepwalker": Norton's sleepwalking becomes a waking nightmare for Ralph, who can't get any sleep because he's been asked to keep his pal from wandering off on late-night strolls around the neighborhood. Doctor: George Petrie.

Sat. Sep. 11, 2010 6p #54 (aka #45) - *“Letter to the Boss” ('53 version) : Ralph mistakenly thinks a he's been fired and, with Norton's help, writes a nasty letter to his boss. After mailing the letter, Ralph finds out he's been promoted and schemes to get the letter back. CLASSIC QUOTE -"Homina, homina, homina"

6:30p #55 (aka #83) - *“The Adoption”: Ralph and Alice decide to adopt a baby, but first they have to pass inspection at the adoption agency.

Sun. Sep. 12, 2010 #97 (aka #79) – “Hero (Part One)”: Tommy, a fatherless boy, begins to idolize Ralph, inspiring Ralph to tell the boy exaggerated tales of his own boyhood.

*: This episode has been edited HEAVILY.

Credit goes to zap2it.com, the old honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & John K's Book To The Moon.

"This Is Your Life Part One":

(Ralph is trying to catch people in the poolroom in hoping of finding who's seeing Alice. He already interviewed one person.)

Ralph: "Hey you."

Fat Man: "You talking to me?"

Ralph: "Never mind."

Ed: "Well, that's three down."

Ralph: "Three down?"

Ed: "He counts for two, doesn't he?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(Ralph picks out a small fish from his basket.)

Alice: "This is what you had the big tug-of-war with?"

Ralph: "He lost a lot of weight during the fight."

"Nephew of The Bride":

(Ralph found out that Alice's Aunt Ethel and Herman are moving in since Herman lives at the YMCA. He picks up his hat and puts it on.)

Alice: "Where are you going?"

Ralph: "To the YMCA."

"Nephew of The Bride":

Alice: "Ralph, it's 2am in the morning and Aunt Ethel isn't home yet."

Ralph: "She better get home early if she has to wake me up at 6am."

"Hello Mom":

Alice: "My mother is coming and you are going to be nice to her."

Ralph: "I'm going to be nice to her. That's impossible. We don't get along. We're enemies. Natural enemies like a boa constrictor and a mongoose."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ed: "Don't you think that I should be climbing on that ladder?"

Ralph: "So, you are saying that I'm too fat to climb this ladder. Why don't you just say it?"

Ed: "I don't have too. You just did."

Ralph: "My wife may not be alone on the moon."

(Ralph goes into the bedroom with the ladder. He climbs up it.)

Ralph (falling, yells): "DUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "I am now going to put the key under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order for you to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't handle."

"Hawaii! Oh! Oh!":

(After Ralph threatens that him and Ed are going to jump out the hotel window if the wives don't give them the money, Ed accidentally falls out.)

Ed: "I forgot. We are on the ground floor."

Ralph: "You don't know how to fall correctly."

Ed: "I would if we were on the 15th floor."

"The Sleepwalker":

(The doctor gives Ed a shot.)

Doctor: "I want you to count backwards from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

Frank Gannucci

08-27-2010, 07:24 AM

Frank Gannucci

08-28-2010, 07:35 AM

"On Stage":

(Ralph is thinking of how to greet the Raccoons in his letters.)

Ed: "How about 'Greetings!'?"

Ralph: "'Greetings?'"

Ed: "Yeah, the draft board did pretty good with that one."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(The car won't start.)

Trixie: "Ralph, it might help if you turned the ignition key."

Ralph: "I was just about to do that. I just wanted to see if the battery was alive."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "The bills will get bigger and bigger and I will have less to eat. I will start losing weight. Then, do you know what I will look like?"

Alice: "Yeah, a human being."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"Hot Dog Stand" & "Please Leave The Premises":

Alice: "Do you call a bowling ball an absolute neccessity?"

Ralph: "I certainly do. You can't bowl without one."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "Nobody is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one big enough?"

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "We have money in the bank, don't we?"

Alice: "Yeah, we have money in the bank. $3.31."

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Ralph comes home. The lights are out and Alice has a candlelight dinner ready.)

Alice: "Hello Ralph."

Ralph: "So, you forgot to pay the electric bill, huh?"

Frank Gannucci

08-29-2010, 07:07 AM

"The Deciding Vote":

(Ralph turns on the vaccum cleaner. It doesn't work.)

Ed: "I think that motor needs a drop or erl."

Ralph: "Yeah, that is all that it needs. A drop of oil."

Alice: "A drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ralph: "You know the condition that I am in. You know that I can't do
anything by myself."

Alice: "How did you get out here?"

Ralph: "Don't change the subject."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ed: "I know a man that died from stubbing his toe."

Man: "How is that possible?"

Ed: "He stubbed it on the edge of the Grand Canyon."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "Good thing that I have a brain to figure these things out for us."

Ed: "You sure do Ralph. You can think of smart things to get yourself out of the dumb things that you get yourself into."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph and Ed have just finished playing poker with ther friends.)

Ralph: "Did you ever see a sore loser like that?"

Ed: "Yes, I did. Two weeks ago when you lost."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you know that if I become Raccoon of The Year that we get the honor of free burial at the Raccoon National Cemetary? Do you know where that is? Bismark, North Dakota."

Alice: "Well, that's wonderful Ralph. Just wonderful. I always dreamed about going out west."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "Can you take a hint?"

Ed: "Yes."

Ralph: "All right." (yells): "I HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! NOW GET OUT."

Ed: "Okay, what's the hint?"

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "You can't put your arms around a memory."

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is all the janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be hard with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and tell him off good."

Alice: "I was waiting for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I'm home. So go down and tell him off."

Frank Gannucci

08-30-2010, 07:22 AM

Frank Gannucci

08-31-2010, 07:19 AM

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Alice: "You have seemed to have forgotten that I am a woman."

Ralph: "I forgot that you are a woman? How could I? You are always yappin'."

"A Dog's Life":

Ralph: "Did you see me when I weighed 165?"

Ed: "No Ralph. I never did see your baby pictures."

"A Dog's Life":

Ralph: "This stuff will go great with o' doofers (Hors D' Ourves.)

Mr. Marshall: "Hor D' Ourves."

Ralph: "What?"

Mr. Marshall: "Hor D' Ourves."

Ralph: "They will go great with that too."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "What is your mother's maiden name Mr. Norton."

Ed: "Mrs. Norton."

Ralph: "He means the mother's name she had before she got married."

Ed: "How do I know? Ever since I have known her, she's been married."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "Loans are a bank's lifeblood."

Ralph: "Good because we are in desperate need of a transfusion."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "Let's face it Alice. You are living off the fat of the land."

Alice: "Let's face it Ralph. You ARE the FAT of the land."

"Petticoat Jungle":

Ralph: "That is a medicine ball."

Ed: "You must have to drink a lot of gallons to wash this down."

"The New Manager":

Ralph: "I know. We will take the Nortons on our honeymoon."

Trixie: "Ralph, you don't want us on your honeymoon."

Ed: "Will you keep quiet woman?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph & Ed (singing loudly): "WELL, STROLLING THROUGH THE PARK ONE DAY IN THE MERRY, MERRY MONTH OF MAY. I WAS TAKEN BY SURPRISE BY A PAIR OF RUGGISH EYES..."

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "WILL YOU TWO KEEP IT QUIET DOWN THERE? I'M TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP."

Ralph: "That's that wise guy Garrity."

(Ralph goes to the window and opens it.)

Ralph (yells): "AREN'T YOU HOME EARLY GARRITY? WHAT HAPPENED, DID THE
SALOON BURN DOWN?"

Frank Gannucci

09-01-2010, 07:17 AM

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Alice: "You mean that you are going to call your boss at 11:30 Friday night?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Alice: "Ralph, that's crazy. He might be fast asleep."

Ralph: "That's his tough luck."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph is trying to butter Alice up so he can get the money from her so he could go on the Racoon Convention.)

Ralph: "That was a nice dinner that you made me."

Alice: "You liked the cold cuts."

(A slight pause.)

Ralph: "My, isn't she lovely."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm going to take a bath."

Aunt Ethel: "Would you mind if I brushed my teeth first?"

Ralph: "Give them to me and I'll do them for you."

"Goodnight Sweet Prince":

Alice: "Ed, don't you have to go to work?"

Ed: "There not too concerned about punctuality down in the sewer Alice. As a matter of fact, they think that they are lucky if we show up at all."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell Ed how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "Well, I was driving my bus. He was ready to cross the street by a traffic light and I stopped for at that traffic light because of the red light."

(Ralph looks around.)

Ralph: "Well, if I gone through the light, I may have hit him."

Ed: "You didn't save him. You saved your bus."

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "Trixie & Ed had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"A Matter of Record":

Tommy: "How about it Mr. Kramden? Do you think you can cover first base?"

Ed: "My boy, you are looking at a man that can cover the infield, outfield and all four corners of the bleachers."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Nobody is 100% Alice."

Alice: "You are. You have been wrong every time."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "How long do you think it would take one man if he sold all of these (Handy Housewife Helpers) if we went from door-to-door?"

Alice: "About one minute if this was the first door he knocked on."

Frank Gannucci

09-02-2010, 07:16 AM

Frank Gannucci

09-03-2010, 10:50 PM

(Ralph & Alice are in the Kramden apartment.)

Ralph: "Now look Alice, both the Raccoons & the Raccoons Ladies Auxillary are having cookoffs in honor of Labor Day. I understand that both of us are going to be the cooks for our team. Why did you have to choose to be the cook for the Ladies Auxillary?"

Alice: "Are you afraid of competiton this Labor Day Ralph?"

Ralph: "No, I am not. You? Competiton? Har-har-hardee-har-har! I am going to show you how to cook. I will be a regular Emerill. After all, I have something that he doesn't have...DON'T YOU DARE SAY IT ALICE!"

Alice: "All right Ralph. I will show you how to cook. The last time you cooked for me, the food was burned to a crisp."

Ralph: "It was not. You always burn my food. I will make a bet. If I lose this cookoff, I will eat your hat."

Alice: "I believe you Ralph. You will eat anything."

Ralph: "Oh, you are a riot Alice! A regular riot! I will dress up in your clothing and go outside if I lose, which I won't!"

(On Labor Day, Alice & Ralph are heading the Ladies Auixillary and the Raccoons respectfully at Central Park.)

Ralph: "You know Norton, those wives of ours are going to learn something about cooking. We will show them how to cook."

Ed: "Yup, you are right Ralph."

Ralph: "Imagine what it would be like if we had this Labor Day cookoff at Miami Beach. On South Beach, we will get a lot of customers. As a matter of fact, when I used to sunbathe, the ladies used to crowd around me. They were crazy about me."

Alice: "That is because they wanted to sit in the shade Ralph."

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP NORTON!"

(At the end of the cookoff, the judges are ready. Both hamburges look good.)

Judge: "Time for the taste test for the hamburgers. I will only test one. I will test Alice's."

(He tastes Alice's.)

Judge: "Tastes good. As Rachael Ray would say: 'Yum-o.'"

(The judge tastes Ralphs. He has a look of disgust on his face.)

Ed: "Looks like you are going to lose Ralph right around were I worked yesterday in the sewer."

(Upon hearing that Ed works in the sewer, the judge hurls.)

Judge: "Alice is the winner."

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE A BLABBERMOUTH NORTON! YOU MADE ME LOSE! YOU AND THE SEWER! IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO START RUNNING!"

Ed: "Congrats and happy Labor Day Alice."

(Everybody runs after the boys.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. The audience applauds.)

Jackie: "I want to wish everyone a Happy Labor Day and the Miami Beach audiences are the greatest in the world. Good night."

(Audience cheers.)

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "This is my guest and I'm your employer."

Thelma: "Some guest and some employer. The SIMP and the BLIMP."

"The Safety Award":

Ed: "Can I use this hankerchef?"

Ralph: "It is one of my new ones. Remember, it's for showin', not blowin'."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Uh, who should I call Norton?"

Ed: "How about the fire escape? Maybe someone is out there."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There":

Ed: "A dcotor once told me that I had a split-personality. I was two people. One was Ed Norton: The gay, carefree man-about-town. The other one was Ed Norton: The sober, serious-minded thinker."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I got cured. I got cured. I am now one person. I am Ed Norton: The sober, serious-minded thinker."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "I got news for you Alice. Big news. Your huband is crazy.:

Alice: "Okay, so what's the big news?"

"Petticoat Jungle":

(Ed picks up a cricket bat.)

Ed: "What is it used for?"

Ralph: "To kill crickets."

"You're In The Picture":

(Alice seeing a photo of a woman kissing Ralph, jumps to the conclusion that Ralph is seeing another woman. Ralph tries to tell her that the woman is a blackmailer and much to Ralph's chagrin, she forced herself on him, but to no avail. A policeman comes and explains that the woman in the picture is a blackmailer and reveals the fact that what Ralph said was true. Ralph brings the Nortons out to explain the whole thing.)

Alice: "Forgive me Ralph."

Ralph: "Not yet, I want to enjoy this for a while."

"Petticoat Jungle":

Ed: "How would you like to bag an elephant Alice?"

Alice: "I already did."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "As usual, I am carrying the whole load on my shoulders."

Alice: "You are carrying the load, but it's not on your shoulders."

Frank Gannucci

09-04-2010, 07:20 AM

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "When you own a house, you can go outisde, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out the door right now into the hallway and do the same thing."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph has every Raccoon believing that he knows Jackie Gleason and will get him to come to the Raccoon Dance.)

Ralph: "Do you remember the last time that the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler bought everybody a round of beer?"

Alice: "Yeah, the time that you told them that you knew Rudy Valee."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "Throw a punch at me and I will duck."

(Ed throws a punch and hits Ralph.)

Ed: "Hey, that's some ducking Ralph. I can never hit you the second time."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "Stop saying 'okay.' Say: 'That will be very good sir.'"

Thelma: "Okay."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "Oh, by the way, when Mrs. Weidmeyer comes in, it might be good if you complimented her on how she decorated this place. You know, she might give you a tip on how to fix up our place."

Alice: "I could sure use her help. I just can't figure out what color pan goes best under our ice box!"

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(One of Ralph's failed inventions that was revealed in this episode was Glow in the Dark shoeshine polish.)

Ed: "Mr. Mitchell, would you like to try shoeshine polish that glows in the dark?"

Ralph (yells): "WILL YOU SHUT UP?"

"Battle of The Sexes":

Ralph: "Don't make a sound while I take a shot. Don't even breathe."

Ed: "If I don't breathe, I will die."

Ralph: "That's okay. Just don't make any noise when you hit the floor."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "How about the time when we were playing softball and you got hit in the head with a bat? Who was it that got you a cab and took you over to the hospital? I did. Who came and saw you every day? I did. Who got you cigarettes and candy? I did."

Ed: "Who hit me in the head with a bat? You did."

"We Spy":

(Ralph & Ed greet the girls wearing Russian uniforms. They try telling the girls the story about them being mistakes for spies in Russia.)

Ralph: "Honestly I am telling the truth. Where do you think we got these clothes from?"

Alice (reading the label on Ralph's uniform): "'The Fat Man's Shop.'"

Frank Gannucci

09-05-2010, 07:07 AM

Note: I am going on vacation from Sept. 19-28. I don't think I will have the time to post quotes then. I know that this is early, so...

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "Can I use your phone?"

Ed: "No, Trixie is dressing."

Ralph: "But the phone is in the kitchen."

Ed: "That is where she is dressing. There is no window shade in the bedroom."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "What theme should we use for the dance?"

Ed: "How about the Vikings discovering America?"

Ralph: "You want to use that theme in the Sons of Italy hall?"

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ed puts a lit match near the thermometer.)

Ed: 'Hey Ralph, what is a normal temperature, around 98 isn't it?"

Ralph: "98.6."

Ed: "What would you say a bad temperature is?"

Ralph: "102. 103. What is it Norton? What is my temperature?"

(A pause.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT IS MY TEMPERATURE NORTON?"

Ed (starting to cry, yells): "111."

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous, that I couldn't answer the first question."

Ralph: "What question was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "Your mom's apartment is too small for us."

Alice: "You didn't say that when we lived there before. Mother's apartment is getting smaller."

Ed: "Yeah, but Ralph is getting bigger."

"The New Manager":

Ralph: "I know. We will take the Nortons on our honeymoon."

Trixie: "Ralph, you don't want us on your honeymoon."

Ed: "Will you keep quiet woman?"

"Head of The House":

Ed: "In my household, I am the boss of the household."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmm."

Ed: "I think that any man that is afraid of his wife, isn't a man."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmmm."

Ed: "And I can't stree this too strongly that a husband is the boss."

Interviewer: "Yes?"

Ed: "Now don't quote me because if my wife reads that, she will kill me."

"Head of The House":

Ralph: "Men are responsible for the shape the world is in."

Alice: "Well, I am glad to hear one of you finally admit it."

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in the broken-down hotel.)

Ralph: "We can knock down those cobwebs."

Alice: "I wouldn't do that Ralph. They are holding up the wall."

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that is strong enough to do that."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "Do you care if I waste away?"

Alice: "Sure I do Ralph. But you wouldn't waste away if you stayed awake for nine years."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Wisenheimer. I am going to put the key in a place where even if you know where it is, you wouldn't be able to find it. I am going to put it right under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I know New York from top to bottom."

Ed: "I have been working in the sewer for years. I know New York from bottom to top."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph (yells): "I AM NOT MISSING THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

Alice (yells): "LISTEN. YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR AND YOU WILL BE IN THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Fred: "You will have to eat just as much to keep you alive Ralph."

Ed: "Even that will be too much."

"Sun & Fun & The Raccoon Capital":

(Ralph is trying to get into his uniform…his pants are too big. In the storyline, [and Jackie in real life, of course] he lost weight.)

Ralph: "If I go out in these, I will be a laughing stock."

Ed: "If you don't, you will get a few laughs too."

"King of The Castle":

(Ralph explains to Ed that one time Alice wanted him to come home, but Ralph didn't.)

Ralph: "I showed her who's boss."

Ed: "What happened when you came home?"

Ralph: "Never mind about that."

"King of The Castle":

Ed: "You should write in the paper: 'I Ralph Kramden, do not assume the debts of Alice Kramden.'"

Ralph: "It won't work. I tried that the day after we were married."

Frank Gannucci

09-06-2010, 07:19 AM

All Classic 39 quotes from "Brother Ralph":

#1

Ed: "Hey Ralphie boy. Put it there. Congratulations there." (shaking Ralph's hand): "Alice just told me the good news there about the suggestion you made down at the company. That was a pretty smart idea of yours, bringing in a traffic expert. Ha ha ha. They didn't need an expert. I could tell what the trouble was. Too many buses on Madison Avenue, that's all. That traffic expert will take some of the buses off the line and lay off some of the drivers. Of course, it will be rough on the bus drivers that are being laid off. But, at a time like this, you got to think of yourself. Think how much better of you and the bus drivers that are working." (slapping Ralph's shoulder): "What's the good word buddy boy?"

Ralph: "I was the first to go."

#2

Alice: "Ralph, you mean that you were fired?"

Ralph: "Oh, I wasn't fired. I was just temporairily laid off along with nine other dirvers. How about that? How could they do that to me? A guy that has worked and slaved for them for 15 years? 15 years, driving a bus. Aggravations 101 - Aggravations every day. In the summertime, dying from the heat. In the winter time, freezing from the cold. Through the hail, the snow and the sleet. Do you know the sign in the Post Office that says: `The mail goes through no matter what the weather is.'? Do you know why they do that? Because the mailman rides with me."

#3

Ralph: "What do I have to smile about?"

Ed: "That's the point. Now, more than ever you got to keep your spirits up. Sure, it's easy to smile when things are going good. But, smiling at a time like this is more of a challenge. Come on Ralphie, let me see you smile there. Show me those ivories. Give me the Liberance."

(Ralph smiles.)

Ed: "That's it. Beautiful. Beautiful. Just stay like that. Think of happy times. Think of yesterday when your boss said to you that he was going to use your suggestion of hiring a traffic expert on Madison Ave."

(Ralph stops smiling.)

Ed: "You should be proud Ralphie boy. No one else thought of that. You had that idea stored in your brain. Smile Smile…"

Ralph (yells): "Get out!"

All Lost Episode Quotes from "Letter To The Boss":

#1

Ralph: "A guy from the supply room comes out and says: 'Kramden, turn in your uniform. You are not driving a bus for us anymore.'"

Alice: "I can't believe it."

Ralph: "You can't believe it. I can't believe it. Nine years working for them and this is the thanks I get. Getting up every morning at 5am. Working three Sundays out of four. No holidays. All kinds of weather. Blizzards. Heat spells. Hail storms." Taking all kinds of abuse. Old women yelling at me. Drunks trying to get on without paying their fare. Cab drivers cutting me off. And when another bus driver got sick, I had to work double time…" (slapping his hand on the table): "…and this is the thanks I get."

Alice: "Ralph, don't worry. You'll get another job."

Ralph: "Sure they are but not a job as good as this one."

#2

Alice: "There are plenty of other jobs."

Ralph: "Plenty of jobs, huh? Plenty of jobs, huh?"

(Ralph gets a newspaper.)

Ralph: "I'll show you how many jobs there are." (reading the ads): "'Drill press operator. $70 a week. Learn while you earn.'" (not reading): "Here's another one." (reading): "'Tool and dye worker. Good opportunity for the right party."

Alice: "What's wrong with those jobs?"

Ralph: "Nothing, except they are all listed under: 'Help Wanted-Women!'."

#3

Ralph: "When I married you I told you were never going to work another day in your life."

Alice: "Honey, it won't be long."

Ralph: "I don't care how long it is Alice. I got my pride. Before I see you go to work, I rather see you starve."

All Color Episode Quotes are from "To Whomever It May Concern":

#1

(Ralph is making Ed write a letter to Mr. Marshall.)

Ralph: "'You dirty bum!'"

Ed: "Don't you think that that is a little rough for a starter?"

Ralph: "Maybe your right. 'Dear Mr. Marshall:...'"

Ed: "That's better."

Ralph: "'... You dirty bum!'"

#2

(Ralph just said a lot of nasty remarks that he wants in his letter that Ed is writing to Mr. Marshall, Ralph's boss. Ralph is mad because he thought that Mr. Marshall fired him.)

Ralph: "I don't know what else to say."

Ed: "Maybe it's a good time for you to say that you want your job back."

#3

Ed: "I put SWAK on the back of the letter."

Ralph: "You wrote: 'Sealed With A Kiss' on the back of my letter?"

Ed: "Of course not. I put down 'Sewer Workers Are Kings.'"

Happy Labor Day!

Frank Gannucci

09-07-2010, 07:21 AM

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

George: "Gee fellas, we were already to play. Me and Harvey just went to get a cold drink."

Ralph: "Well, I hope it was pretty cold and I hope it was milk."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Mr. Mosby: "I am going to do for you what I did for my mom when she wanted a cottage."

Ed: "You are going to buy one for us?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ed: "The door is busted."

Alice: "Ed, don't be ridiculous. This is a dutch door."

Ed: "Boy those dutch people must be very short."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"Without Reservations":

(Ralph and Ed are in the run-down hotel.)

Ralph: "Would you stop with the wisecracks Norton? When the girls get here I wanna make a good impression!"

Ed: "If you wanna make a good impression, keep the door shut!"

"Box Top Kid Part One":

Trixie: "Ed believes that before you go to Europe, you should see a bit of America first. So we made a list. So far this year, we have scratched off Bayoone, Yonkers & Scranton."

Alice: "What are you going to scratch off this year?"

Trixie: "I would like to scratch off Norton."

"The Golfer":

Ralph: "I deserve that promotion, Norton - I worked hard to get it! Just because Mr. Harper doesn't know I'm alive I'm not going to get the promotion, huh? Well, it's the same ol' story: its not what you know, its who you know! If you don't have any connections you're dead. You can be the smartest guy in the world, know everything about everything, know the encyclopedia backwards and forwards. But, If you don't have any connections you get nowhere."

Ed: "Now wait a minute, I don't think that applies to every case. I didn't have any connections when I got my job in the sewer."

"Love Letter":

(Ralph and Mrs. Paterson think that Ed loves Alice but the feeling isn't matual.)

Mrs. Paterson: "Why don't you give your wife the benefit of a doubt?"

Ralph: "All right, maybe they don't love each other but if they do, they are going to have a lot of fun on the moon."

"Operation: Protest":

(Cliff just cost Ralph his job. Ralph confronts Cliff.)

Cliff (showing the peace symbol with his hand): "Peace!"

Ralph (grabbing the other finger): "Alice, grab the other finger and make a wish."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 2":

(Ralph and another guy are playing pool. The guy hits the cue ball and it misses the pool balls.)

Man: "It's on it's way."

Ralph: "Yeah, to Newark."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I have flipped huh? Well, for your information Norton is my partner."

Alice: "Well, if you flip, it's always nice to have company."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ralph: "You know it was pretty lonely here without you Alice."

Trixie: "Oh Ed, why can't you talk to me like that?"

Ed: "I would be happy too if you only go away every once and a while."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Are you sure you can type faster than me?"

Ed: "With boxing gloves on."

"On Stage":

Ed: "While I was in the Navy, I studied typing under the G.I. Bill and I happened to be the best in the class."

Ralph: "Then why didn't you get a job in an office instead of one in the sewer?"

Ed: "I couldn't stand the thought ouf being cooped up in a stuffy office all day."

"The Safety Award":

Ralph: "A group of men are picked to do a job, trained in the same fashion as each other, and there's always one man in the group that stands out far in front of the others."

Ed: "If you stood out any more in front you wouldn't be able to get behind the wheel of a bus!"

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "Boy, if you were my size. If youw ere only my size..."

Alice: "If I was, I would be the fat lady in the circus."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ed: "Have I seen you once?"

Jean Kean (as herself): "I don't believe so."

Ed: "Did you ever work in the sewer?"

"Follow The Boys":

(Alice wants to go to the movies but Ralph doesn't want him to go. He has to go bowling for the Hurricanes.)

Ralph: "The hurricanes need me."

Alice: "I feel very sorry for the Hurricanes because the biggest wind of them all is not going to be there."

Frank Gannucci

09-08-2010, 07:25 AM

"Norton Moves In" (Color):

(The Nortons come down and ask if they can spend the night since they can't stand the smell of the new paint in their house. Alice okays it. They leave. Ralph is still asleep.)

Ralph: "3am? Why did you wake me up at this time for?"

Alice: "Because the Nortons had their apartment painted today."

Ralph: "Did that newsflash just come across the radio?"

"Brother-In-Law":

Ralph: "You are a doer and I'm a thinker."

Ed: "You certainly are."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ed (looking at a map): "Here's New York City, that is where we started from. Then we go through the Lincoln Tunnel. This black dot here is Jersey City. This black dot here is Bayoone."

Ralph: "Well, Bayoone moving. That's an ant."

Ed: "Let's follow the ant. He looks like he knows where he is going."

"A Man's Pride":

Alice: "Why can't we go to the Colonade Room?"

Ralph: "Name me one truck driver who eats there?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph is at the dog pound. He just gave back Alice's dog that he hated, but slowly and surely he started not hating it.)

Ralph: "Is my dog going to get a good home?"

Man: "I hope so."

Ralph: "What do you mean by that?"

Man: "We have several dogs who are only supposed to be here for four days. We got several who are over the limit."

Ralph: "What happens to the dogs who are over the limit?"

Man: "They have to be destoryed."

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that the dog I just gave back is going to be destroyed?" (going into the room where all the dogs are, yells): "WAIT A MINUTE!"

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ed: "I know a person who died from stubbing his toe?"

Man: "Stubbing his toe? How is that possible?"

Ed: "He stubbed it on the Grand Canyon's edge."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "Is that you Mr. Johnson?"

Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "YES IT IS MR. KRAMDEN AND I HAVE THE SHERRIFF WITH ME. OPEN UP!"

Ralph: "Are you crazy? If I open the door, you will slap me with a rent increase. Ha ha. I am not opening up."

Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "STAY IN THERE. BUT THE SHERRIFF IS POSTING ONE OF HIS MEN IN THIS HALLWAY AND THE MINUTE YOU OPEN THAT DOOR, HE WILL SLAP YOU WITH AN EVICTION NOTICE AND DON'T TRY TO GO OUT THE FIRE ESCAPE. HE WILL HAVE A MAN OUT THERE TOO."

(Ralph looks scared.)

Ralph (to Alice): "Just what I told you. He is scared to death."

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Ralph Kramden?"

Ed: "I am as close as anybody can get to Ralph Kramden."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph is going to try to sell KramMar's to Mr. Marshall.)

Ralph: "What I have in this lunchbox is something that is worth a million dollars."

Mr. Marshall: "Then you must have had a good day on the bus."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "When I win the contest, I am going to get myself a leather lumbar jacket, a pair of bowling shoes and before I am finished, you will get a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "At least my relatives don't come by unexpected."

Alice: "No, they come as steady as clockwork. Three times a week."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "This picture must be 15 years old."

Ralph: "Yeah. I seem to remember that dress."

Alice: "You should. I wore it yesterday."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

(They are inside Uncle Howard's mansion.)

)Howard picking up a vase):

Howard: "They think that one day, all of this will be there's."

Ed: "Howard, quick fooling around with Ralph's vase."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ed: "Why don't you take Stanley and Sally to your apartment to see how you and Alice get along?"

Ralph: "I want to postpone the wedding. Not cancel it forever."

"Poor People of Paris":

Ralph: "If I were you, I wouldn't go out in May."

Ed: "Why?"

Ralph: "Because that is when they gather nuts."

Frank Gannucci

09-09-2010, 07:32 AM

Thursday's Quotes (x2) & Honeymooners TV Schedule for 9/13-10/3):

Since I am going on vacation from Sep. 19-28, I will be unable to post TV schedules during that time. So, I will post the Honeymooners TV schedule for the next two weeks for WPIX and for the next three weeks on METv in Chicago.

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

Mon. Sept. 13, 2010 1a #021 (aka #112) - "A Dog's Life": Ralph gets another one of his half-baked ideas after he samples a tasty dish he found in his ice box in "A Dog's Life," which was originally telecast Feb. 18, 1956. Convinced that the unusual cracker-spread will satisfy the public's appetite for a snack that's new and different, Ralph asks his boss, Mr. Marshall, to taste the dish in the hope that he'll bankroll production. Ralph's even cooked up a name for the culinary delight: "KramMar's Delicious Mystery Appetizer." Marshall tries it and likes it, and asks Ralph if the recipe is exclusively his wife's or if Alice's mother helped out. "Anything she'd cook I wouldn't give to a dog," Ralph replies. But Marshall wants some other opinions, so he calls in his assistants for another taste test.

1:30a (CC) #49 (aka #41) - *“Hot Dog Stand”: Ralph wants to buy a hot dog stand but Alice refuses to give him the money, so he and Norton pose as successful businessmen to get a bank loan.

Mon. Sep. 20, 2010 1a #007 (aka #098) - "Better Living Through TV": In a classic episode, Ralph and Norton g o on live TV in an attempt to sell the Handy Housewife Helper. The inspired (and ad-lib laden) "Better Living Through TV" (originally telecast Nov. 12, 1955) finds Ralph talking Norton into buying TV time so the two of them can go on the air and sell 2000 of the kitchen gadgets. The idea is for "Chef of the Future" Ralph to demonstrate to "Chef of the Past" Norton the many things the gizmo can do, such as open cans, remove corns and, of course, "core a apple." In the rehearsal, Ralph is the picture of calm, but as they prepare to go on the air, panic sets in and he warns a worrisome Ed: "Stop talking like that, nervous, you're going to get yourself all Norton." CLASSIC QUOTE - "Can it core a apple?"

1:30a #43 (aka #70) - *“Teamwork Beats the Clock”: Ralph and Alice "Beat the Clock," but when they're asked to return, Alice can't make it and Norton takes over.

I am unable to get the schedule for WPIX for the week of Sept. 27, 2010. I will get the listings next week.

(WWME) {aka WCIUDT] (METv in Chicago):

(METv is also available in Milwaukee and South Bend, Indiana.)

All times are Central.

All episodes may be in CC.

Mon. Sep. 13, 2010 10:30p #007 (aka #098) - "Better Living Through TV": In a classic episode, Ralph and Norton g o on live TV in an attempt to sell the Handy Housewife Helper. The inspired (and ad-lib laden) "Better Living Through TV" (originally telecast Nov. 12, 1955) finds Ralph talking Norton into buying TV time so the two of them can go on the air and sell 2000 of the kitchen gadgets. The idea is for "Chef of the Future" Ralph to demonstrate to "Chef of the Past" Norton the many things the gizmo can do, such as open cans, remove corns and, of course, "core a apple." In the rehearsal, Ralph is the picture of calm, but as they prepare to go on the air, panic sets in and he warns a worrisome Ed: "Stop talking like that, nervous, you're going to get yourself all Norton." CLASSIC QUOTE - "Can it core a apple?"

Tue. Sep. 14, 2010 10:30p #008 (aka #099) - "Pal O' Mine": A great friendship is strained after a ring t hat Norton had planned to give a co-worker winds up stuck on Ralph's finger. The episode concludes with a classic hospital scene that contains a memorable one-word ad-lib by Norton, who's saying good-bye to a doctor. Teddy Oberman: Ned Glass. Doctor: John Seymour. Nurse: Abbie Lewis.

Wed. Sep. 15, 2010 10:30p #009 (aka #100) - "Brother Ralph": A layoff at the bus company prompts Ralph and Alice to add up their total savings from all of their accounts ($12.83). That's reason enough for Alice to get a job, leaving Ralph to take care of the cooking and cleaning. But Ralph becomes really steamed after he discovers that her boss looks like a matinee idol---and that Alice told him that Ralph is her brother.

Thu. Sep. 16, 2010 10:30p #010 (aka #101) - "Hello Mom": Ralph and Alice Kramden (Jackie Gleason, Audrey Meadows) squabble over the impending arrival of Ralph's mother-in-law in this classic, and ultimately touching, episode. The king is told that his castle is soon to be invaded by Alice's mom. Ralph painfully remembers how his mother-in-law said at his wedding, "I'm not losing a daughter, I'm gaining a ton," and refuses to let her visit. But when Alice stands up to him and insists her mother's coming, Ralph decides to move in with the Nortons until the visit's over. Humor and poignancy meet in a conclusion that once again shows Alice, who sees beyond Ralph's insecurities, to be the bigger person.

Fri. Sep. 17, 2010 10:30p #011 (aka #102) - "The Deciding Vote": Ralph's in a tight two-man election for the position of Raccoon convention manager and the deciding vote belongs to Norton. The episode contains a classic sight gag involving Ralph trying to clean a vacuum cleaner after it has failed "the oatmeal test."

Sat. Sep. 18, 2010 6p #54 (aka #45) - *“Letter to the Boss” ('53 version) : Ralph mistakenly thinks a he's been fired and, with Norton's help, writes a nasty letter to his boss. After mailing the letter, Ralph finds out he's been promoted and schemes to get the letter back. CLASSIC QUOTE -"Homina, homina, homina"

6:30p #55 (aka #83) - *“The Adoption”: Ralph and Alice decide to adopt a baby, but first they have to pass inspection at the adoption agency.

Sun. Sep. 19, 2010 #94 (aka #75) – “A Promotion (Part Two)”: So Alice won't find out about Ralph's blunder, he and Norton hide the money in a brown bag and put it in the icebox. Everything is fine until Alice decides to defrost the refrigerator.

Sat. Sep. 25, 2010 6p #56 (aka #67) – “The People's Choice (Part One)”: When Ralph heroically captures a murderer on his bus, he is asked to run for public office.

6:30p #57 – “The People's Choice (Part Two)”: Alice thinks the men who asked Ralph to run for public office are crooks who intend to use Ralph as a stooge, but Ralph doesn't believe her.

Sun. Sep. 26, 2010 10:30p #102 (aka #26/#44) – “‘What’s Her Name’/“Champagne & Caviar’”: (For “What’s Her Name”): Ralph and Alice fight over the name of an actress. (For “Champagne & Caviar”): Ralph sets out to impress the company president.

*: This episode has been edited HEAVILY.

Credit goes to zap2it.com, the old honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & John K's Book To The Moon.

"Boys & Girls Together":

Ralph: "I'm very important to the Hurricanes. I'm the anchor man."

Alice: "Of what, the Queen Mary?"

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Alice wants to go to the movies.)

Ralph: "The Hurricanes need me."

Alice: "I feel very sorry for the Hurricanes because the biggest wind of them all isn't going to be there."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Carlos: "If your wives want you guys to do these simple things, like opening a door for them, why don't you do it?"

Ralph: "He wants to know why we don't do it. Why we don't do it....Why we don't do it....Because it's too much trouble. That's why we don't do it."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "How would you like it if a person came down to where you worked and helped himself to whatever he could find?"

Ed: "Help himself to what?"

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "I'm writing a list of all my weak points."

Ed: "Oh, is that all the paper you are going to use?"

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

(The waiter gives Ralph & Ed food for their lunch. He takes Ed's hat so it can be hung up.)

Waiter: "Your hat sir?"

Ralph: "What?"

Waiter: "Your hat?"

Ralph: "No, it's my hat. I'll keep it."

"Follow The Boys":

(Alice has the lights turned off and is all dressed up for Ralph. Ralph comes home.)

Alice: "Good evening sweetheart."

Ralph: "So you forgot to pay the elctric bill, huh?"

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Jackie Gleason is down at the Sun & Fun Capital of the World."

Ed: "What's he doing in Perth Amboy?"

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ed goes into the elevator so he can wash up.)

Elevator Operator: "Where to sir?"

Ed: "Follow that cable."

"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "Oh, is that all that they are going to do? They're just gonna take it out of my refund? It just so happens Alice that I was planning on that refund - IN ITS ENTIRETY! I need all of the refund - all 42 dollars! I can't afford to let any of the 42 go! I got to go down to Fred's Landings - I need 42 dollars! What am I gonna do if I haven't got enough money?"

Alice: "We'll just have to cut down, Ralph. Just ask for a cheaper tent with a smaller snake."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "Don't take any pictures of Dr. Norton. He's very modest."

Ed: "I wouldn't mind a few pictures."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph? You are my husband."

Ralph: "No, I'm your brother."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

(The Kramdens and Nortons run into "Mr. Mosby" in hopes of getting a cottage. The one that they are in costs $2,000.)

"Mr. Mosby": "I'm going to do for you what I did for my mother."

Ed: "You are going to buy a cottage for us?"

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "I have always been lucky at contests. Remember last year at Harry's Grove when I won the clam eating contest?"

Alice (from bedroom): "Yeah?"

Ralph: "I got $5 from that. $5."

Alice (coming out of the bedroom): "You sure did and you spent $7 on Alka-Seltzer."

"Jellybeans":

(Ed takes some of the jellybeans and eats them. Ralph spots him.)

Ralph (yells): "WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT ARE YOU EATING THOSE JELLYBEANS FOR?"

Ed: "What's the matter? What are they, poisoned?"

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Nick: "How about $400 a week."

(Ralph coughs.)

Nick: "$500."

(Ralph coughs more.)

Nick: "$600."

Ralph: "Norton, give me some water."

Ed: "Don't be a dope Ralph. Keep coughing Ralph. You will be a millionaire in no time."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ed: "Now give me the $5."

Ralph (making a fist in an angry fashion): "You want five? I will give you five right now."

"Without Reservations":

Stanley: "You know that this is the first time in a long time that I have been here for one of your meals?"

Ralph: "You act like you haven't eaten since."

Frank Gannucci

09-10-2010, 07:25 AM

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Ralph: "Why did he say to me: 'Hey Fatso, get out of the way.'?"

Ed: "I don't know. Maybe the phrase just fits."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

(Ed & Ralph are sparring with each other.)

Ed: "Cover your up your face! Cover up your face!"

(Ralph does that. Ed hits him in the stomach.)

Ralph (yells in pain): "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAA! WHOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! WHY DID YOU PUNCH ME IN THE STOMACH WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO COVER UP MY FACE?"

Ed: "That should tell you not to trust anybody in the ring."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "Throw a punch at me and I'll duck."

(Ed "punches" him. Ralph falls to the ground.)

Ed: "Hey Ralph, that is some ducking. I can never hit you a second time."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Alice: "You seem to have forgotten that I am a woman."

Ralph: "I forgot that you are a woman? How could I? You are always yappin'."

"Peacemaker":

Ed (to Trixie): "I could have married Kora Brendsetter and her father is a PRETTY important man down town. He told me that if I married her, he would have me transferred from the Sewer Department. I never threw this in your face before, but if I married Kora Brendsetter, today I would be driving my own garbage truck."

Ralph: "Driving your own garbage truck? He must have been a PRETTY important man down town."

"We Spy":

(Ralph & Ed greet the girls wearing Russian uniforms. They try telling the girls the story about them being mistakes for spies in Russia.)

Ralph: "Honestly I am telling the truth. Where do you think we got these clothes from?"

Alice (reading the label on Ralph's uniform): "'The Fat Man's Shop.'"

"Love Letter":

Ralph: "What did Trixie have behind her back?"

Alice: "It was nothing."

Ralph: "Alice, you don't hold nothing behind your back. You hold it in front where everybody can see it."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Doctor: "This is an aptitude test. You are going to like this. This is fun."

Ed: "Can three people play."

"Brother-In-Law":

(The boys are in the broken-down hotel.)

Ralph: "When the girls see this place, they may not see the business
possibilities of it. You know they can't see their nose in front of their face."

Ed: "That is the only hope we got."

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in the broken-down hotel.)

Ralph: "After all, we don't have to finish this hotel until they get the highway built."

Trixie: "I think it would be easier if they built the hotel and we built the highway."

"On Stage":

Ralph (reading the script and walking towards the window): "'Come here, my dear. Look out there Rachael. Say yes and all of that is yours."

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph: "What's so funny?"

Ed: "What does Rachael want with a back of a Chinese restaurant and a
pizzeria?"

"People's Choice Part 1":

Ed: "You should go down to my Uncle's place in New Jersey. 'Bullets' will never find you there."

Ralph: "He won't?"

Ed: "No, I have been going down there for the past three Sundays in a row. I can't even find the place myself."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Ed: "As long as I am in an executive in that bus company, you are sure of being a bus driver as long as you live."

(Ralph gets up and signals for Ed to leave.)

Ed: "This is no way..."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!!!!!!!!!"

"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):

Ralph: "What's the matter with you? Here my home is being broken up, my happiness destroyed and you want to know if I'm ready to go bowling?

Ed: "Sorry Ralph. How about shootin' a little some pool?"

"One Big Happy Family":

Ed (yells): "RALPH, I LEFT THE SOAP ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR."

Ralph (from bathroom, yells): "WHAT?"

Ed (yells): "I SAID THAT I..."

Ralph (from bathroom, yells): "I CAN'T HEAR YOU. TALK TO ME LATER."

Ralph (slipping on the soap, yells): "DUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"One Big Happy Family":

Man (from upstairs, yells): "KNOCK OFF THE NOISE DOWN THERE!"

(Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP BEFORE I REPORT YOU TO THE SUPERINTENDENT."

Man (from upstairs, yells): "I AM THE SUPERINTENDENT."

"Paris' Poor People":

Ralph: "If I were you, I wouldn't go out in the month of May."

Ed: "Why?"

Ralph: "Because that is when they gather nuts."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed comes out with a sailboat.)

Ralph: "You don't mean to tell me that you kept me waiting out here for 20 minutes, while you played with a boat in the tub?"

Ed: "I'm sorry Ralph. This is a new boat. We were on the ShakeDown Cruise."

"Flushing Ho":

Ed: "I don't eat much."

Ralph: "Then who is eating it?"

(Ed looks at Ralph's stomach.)

Ed: "I rest my case."

Frank Gannucci

09-11-2010, 07:36 AM

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "Grogan, if you had two tickets to a World Series game and your sister-in-law was going to get married at the same time as the game, where would you go?"

Grogan: "I would go to the wedding."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph: "You mean that fter taking one look at that Carlos, you are going to give him Trixie's potato salad?"

Ed: "Of course. This will fix his wagon. Before I started eating Trixie's cooking, I was a regular Clark Gable."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "Just for that remark Alice, when we get to Fred's Landing, I won't introduce you to Fred."

Alice: "From this blow, I may never recover."

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

(Ralph gets hurt by Norton's lit cigarette that Norton accidently dropped.)

Alice: "What happened?"

Ralph (yells): "NORTON WANTED TO HAVE A CIGARETTE."

Alice: "So?"

Ralph (yells): "HE USED ME FOR AN ASHTRAY."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Alice: "How could you even think of going to the movies when Ed took you to the Kit Kat Club on your birthday?"

Ralph: "Did I ask him to take me there? Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested going to the Copa."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I don't remember the song I used to play on this cornette. I got the music right here."

(Ralph plays the cornette. No sound is heard.)

Alice: "Not so loud Ralph. You will disturb the neighbors."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Jackie Gleason is in the other room.)

Ed: "Why do you think everyone gave Jackie the nickname 'The Fat One'?"

Ralph: "That's 'The Great One.'"

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Mr. Marshall, can I have a raise?"

Mr. Marshall: "No."

Ralph: "But, it's 11:30p."

Mr. Marshall: "I don't care if it's 2:07."

Ralph: "Neither do I. But, it's 11:30p."

"Principle of The Thing" & "Hot Dog Stand":

Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute neccessity?"

Ralph: "I sure do. You can't bowl without one."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ed: "As long as we are neighbors, you don't have to call me Norton. Call me Edwardo."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Hello Mom":

Ralph: "You remember the joke that your mom said at our wedding?"

Alice: "What joke?"

Ralph: "You remember the joke. She said: 'I'm not losing a daughter. I'm gaining a ton.'"

"Manager of The Baseball Team" (Color):

Ed: "I went to a fortune teller and she said that I would marry a brunette. The next day, I met Trixie."

Alice: "She is no brunette."

Ed: "She was then."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Alice: "Have you told Trixie about the change in vacation plans. I know that she wanted to go to Atlantic City."

Ed: "Trixie will go where I want to go."

Ralph: "Atta boy pal! Put your foot down."

Alice: "What are you going to do if she puts up a squawk?"

Ed: "Very simple. I will tell her that Atlantic City is closed for the summer."

"The Safety Award":

Ralph: "A group of men are picked to do a job. Trained in the same fashion as each other. There's always one man in the group that stands out far from the others."

Ed: "Yeah, I guess you're right there Ralph. If you stood out any more in front, you wouldn't be able to get behind the wheel of a bus."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell Ed how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "Well, I was driving my bus. He was ready to cross the street by a traffic light and I stopped for at that traffic light because of the red light."

(Ralph looks around.)

Ralph: "Well, if I gone through the light, I may have hit him."

Ed: "You didn't save him. You saved your bus."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Now what we have to do is wait for Mr. Gleason to show up."

Ed: "That could be kind of tough. With the way that he's built, it's hard to tell if he's coming or going."

Frank Gannucci

09-12-2010, 06:50 AM

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed comes out with a sailboat. Ralph wants to take a bath.)

Ralph: "You don't mean to tell me that you kept me waiting out here for 20 minutes while you were in there playing with a boat in the tub?"

Ed: "I'm sorry Ralph. This is a new boat. We were on the Shakedown Cruise!"

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you realize that at the annual clambake I have the honor of opening the first clam? And as we take our cruise up the Hudson River I get to go up to the bridge and steer - as we pass Raccoon Point."

Alice: "Well golly gee!"

"Boys and Girls Together":

Alice: "If you go out one night and it's not your night out with Norton and you don't take me with you, when you get home, I won't be here."

(Alice goes into the bedroom. Ralph walks over to the doorway to the
bedroom.)

Ralph: "Har-har-hardy-har-har!"

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Well, I have to confess Mr. Faversham that I did participate in the 1947 frolics of the bus drivers. As a matter of fact, I walked on stage and the crowd was all ready laughing. I didn't do anything yet."

Ed: "The ballet dress you had on didn't do you no harm."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "I think that this wallpaper is pretty. She thinks that it is rotten. What do you think?"

(Ed looks at the wallpaper.)

Ed: "I think that you two are both right. It's pretty rotten."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ralph & Alice are at the pool hall.)

Ralph: "This is how you chalk up your cue."

Alice: "Well, that is the stupidest thing I ever heard of."

Ralph (with Jackie smiling): "YOU are the stupidest thing I ever heard of."

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph and Mrs. Paterson think that Ed loves Alice but the feeling isn't matual.)

Mrs. Paterson: "Why don't you give your wife the benefit of a doubt?"

Ralph: "All right, maybe they don't love each other but if they do, they are going to have a lot of fun on the moon."

"Pal O' Mine":

Trixie: "Ed wanted to get Jim McKeever red suspenders, but I thought a ring would be better."

Ed: "All I konw is Jimhas a weakness for red suspenders."

Alice: "She's right Ed. A man would rather have a ring then suspenders."

Ed: "Not if his pants keep falling down."

"Champagne and Caviar":

Mr. Marshall: "How did you get your job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Just lucky I guess."

"$99,000 Answer":

Ralph:"$600.00 thats peanuts, peanuts, what am I gonna do with peanuts??"

Alice: "Eat'em like an other elephant."

"Please Leave The Premises":

(Ralph just said a peom that claims will help him relax. It goes: "Pins and needles. Needles and pins. It's a happy man that grins." Mr. Johnson then comes in with the notice for the rent increase.)

Ralph (yells to Mr. Johnson): "You are not getting one dime, not one thin dime."

Norton: "Ralph, Pins and needles, needles and pins."

Ralph "Oh shut up!"

"People's Choice Part 1":

Ralph: "I am a hero. A hero. A heero. Do you know what that is?"

Alice: "Yeah, it's a fat sandwich that is full of baloney."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph and Ed are arguing over who eats more in their new home.)

Ralph: "Who's eating it?"

(Ed takes a look at Ralph's stomach.)

Ed: "I rest my case."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed looks at the toaster.)

Ed: "The radiostat conductor is not making proper contact with the electrocoil."

Alice: "What does that mean?"

Ed: "There's a screw loose."

"Cupid Part 1":

(Ralph is playing matchmaker with a friend and a blond girl. Alice thinks that he is seeing someone behind her back.)

Ed: "Is Ralph home?"

Alice: "No."

Ed: "He must be out with some blonde."

"Lunchbox":

(Ralph thinks that Alice packed an awful lunch.)

Ralph: "What is a shoe doing in the stove?"

Alice: "What did you think it was stupid, your dinner?"

Ralph: "After today, I wouldn't be suprised."

"The Safety Award":

Ralph: "A group of men are picked to do a job, trained in the same fashion as each other, and there's always one man in the group that stands out far in front of the others."

Ed: "If you stood out any more in front you wouldn't be able to get behind the wheel of a bus!"

"Two For The Money":

Ed: "I bet you $8 that my friend Ralph can beat you at pinball."

Man: "I'll bet $10."

Ed: "$8. We don't want to play for high stakes. We just want to make it interesting."

Frank Gannucci

09-13-2010, 07:20 AM

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Spell antidistanttablihmentterrism (sp?)."

Ralph: "I'll spell it...I'll spell it...I'll spell it."

Alice: "Well, go ahead."

Ralph: "I will spell it when you give me $16,000."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "You know what Jackie Gleason gets. Maybe $50 to $100 a night."

Ed: "$50 to $100 a night?"

Ralph: "Yeah. Personally, I don't think he deserves it but that is what he gets."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph (to Alice): "By the way cupcake..."

Ed: "Yes Ralph."

Ralph: "She is cupcake. You're fruitcake."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows how much you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

"The Prowler":

Ed: "I came by to tell you to put some stuff up against the door."

Ralph: "Thank you but I have already done that."

Ed: "How did I get in?"

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Alice: "I'll go get a flashlight for you."

Ralph: "I don't need one."

(Ralph leaves and falls down the stairs. Alice comes by the door. He comes back.)

Ralph: "Well, don't just stand there. Get me a flashlight."

"Letter To The Boss":

(Ralph thinks that he has been fired. He lists all the jobs that are listed in the paper.)

Alice: "What is wrong with those jobs?"

Ralph: "Nothing except they are listed under: 'Help Wanted: Women!'"

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "I want to do the things that young people do. That is what makes you young."

Ralph: "You want to do that? Let's play games that young people play. Let's play house. I will be the daddy and you will be the mommy. All right Mommy CLEAN UP!"

"Please Leave The Premises":

Alice: "You got fingers in your gloves. Fix the silverware."

Ralph: "How would you like some fingers in your nose?"

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Ralph Kramden."

Ed: "I am as close as anybody can get to him."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ed puts a beauty mark on Ralph's left cheek after the makeup put some makeup on Ralph's eyes and lipstick.)

Ralph: "What did you just do?"

Ed: "I put a beauty mark on your left cheek."

Ralph: "Why did you do that?"

Ed: "Without it, you look exactly like Barbara Streisand."

"Life upon the Wicked Stage":

(Alice is dressed up as a hula girl. Trixie is dressed up as a sailor. They are rehearsing for a talent contest. Ralph comes in.)

Ralph: "What are you doing and who is he?"

Alice: "That's Trixie."

Ralph (to Trixie): "All right. What are you doing and who is she (Alice)?"

"Principle of The Thing" & "Hot Dog Stand":

Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute neccessity?"

Ralph: "I do. You can't bowl without one."

"People's Choice" (Color):

(Ed brakes a paper bag behind Ralph's back. Ralph thought that he was shot.)

Alice: "What was that noise?"

Ralph: "Babyhead (Ed) had to break a paper bag."

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

(Ralph lost the $200 that the lodge had collected.)

Ralph: "All I could scrape together was $6."

Ed: "Why don't you hock Alice's engagement ring?"

Ralph: "Where do you think I got the $6?"

"This Is Your Life Part 2":

Phil Cucco: "Too bad there aren't enough Alices to go around."

Ralph: "This one gets around pretty good."

Frank Gannucci

09-14-2010, 07:19 AM

"This Is Your Life Part One":

(Ralph is trying to catch people in the poolroom in hoping of finding who's seeing Alice. He already interviewed one person.)

Ralph: "Hey you."

Fat Man: "You talking to me?"

Ralph: "Never mind."

Ed: "Well, that's three down."

Ralph: "Three down?"

Ed: "He counts for two, doesn't he?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(Ralph picks out a small fish from his basket.)

Alice: "This is what you had the big tug-of-war with?"

Ralph: "He lost a lot of weight during the fight."

"Nephew of The Bride":

(Ralph found out that Alice's Aunt Ethel and Herman are moving in since Herman lives at the YMCA. He picks up his hat and puts it on.)

Alice: "Where are you going?"

Ralph: "To the YMCA."

"Nephew of The Bride":

Alice: "Ralph, it's 2am in the morning and Aunt Ethel isn't home yet."

Ralph: "She better get home early if she has to wake me up at 6am."

"Hello Mom":

Alice: "My mother is coming and you are going to be nice to her."

Ralph: "I'm going to be nice to her. That's impossible. We don't get along. We're enemies. Natural enemies like a boa constrictor and a mongoose."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ed: "Don't you think that I should be climbing on that ladder?"

Ralph: "So, you are saying that I'm too fat to climb this ladder. Why don't you just say it?"

Ed: "I don't have too. You just did."

Ralph: "My wife may not be alone on the moon."

(Ralph goes into the bedroom with the ladder. He climbs up it.)

Ralph (falling, yells): "DUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "I am now going to put the key under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order for you to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't handle."

"Hawaii! Oh! Oh!":

(After Ralph threatens that him and Ed are going to jump out the hotel window if the wives don't give them the money, Ed accidentally falls out.)

Ed: "I forgot. We are on the ground floor."

Ralph: "You don't know how to fall correctly."

Ed: "I would if we were on the 15th floor."

"The Sleepwalker":

(The doctor gives Ed a shot.)

Doctor: "I want you to count backwards from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "Throw a punch at me and I will duck."

(Ed throws a punch and hits Ralph.)

Ed: "Hey, that's some ducking Ralph. I can never hit you the second time."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Alice: "Ed, you didn't get the job of sewer inspector?"

Ed: "No. I washed out."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ed: "Hey, what kind of peanut butter is that? Is that the crunchy kind?"

Ralph: "Yes, it is the crunchy kind and I can prove it to you. When this jar hits your head, you will hear a crunch."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I can say that by listening to that motor there that the amateor sprocket is causing interference which in turn causes the combustion line to interfere with the flow in the dynaflow."

Ralph: "Now, what does that mean?"

Ed: "I don't know."

"Move Uptown":

Ed: "I want to drink you a farewell toast."

Ralph: "You know that is awafully nice of you Norton. I would like to have a toast with you."

Ed: "Good. Got any wine around the house?"

"What's The Name" & "What's Her Name":

Ralph: "Name the stars we saw in that picture tonight."

Ed: "Gary Coleman, Lana Turner..."

Ralph: "Keep going."

Ed: "You keep going. I am still thinking of Lana."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(Mr. Marshall's daughter is getting married.)

Ralph: "When he realizes who idea it was to make the collection to get a gift, who do you think is going to get the promotion?"

Ed: "The guy who she is marrying, who else?"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Alice's Mom: "Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!"

Ralph: "Crow! Crow! Crow!"

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Jackie Gleason is down at that Fun & Sun Capital of the World."

Ed: "What is he doing down at Perth Amboy?"

Frank Gannucci

09-15-2010, 07:29 AM

"Hello Mom":

Ralph: "What are you doing with all of that material? Making a bedspread?"

Alice: "No, I'm taking your pants out again."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "Who's 'sweet-ums'?"

Alice: "You're sweet-ums."

Ralph: "You're nuts."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Ed: "As long as I'm an executive in that bus company, you are sure of being a bus driver as long as you live."

(Ralph stands up and motions to Ed to get out.)

Ed: "This is no way to treat..."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"The Adoption":

Ed: "Can I ask you a question that has to do with the medical profession?"

Doctor: "Sure."

Ed: "Do you have any scientific methods of removing tatoos?"

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ralph is complaing about the pain of his toothache.)

McGarrity (from upstairs, yells): "HEY KRAMDEN, CUT OUT THE NOISE!"

(Ralph goes to the window and opens it.)

Ralph (yells): "IF YOU HAD ANY TEETH, YOU WOULD KNOW WHAT THIS FELLS LIKE."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ralph is complaining about his toothache. Alice offers him some
help.)

Alice: "All you got to say is: 'I don't have a toothache.'"

Ralph: "I don't have a toothache...Well, stupid I still have the toothache."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

(The gang is in the broken-down home.)

Ed: "How long is this lease for?"

Ralph: "The usual."

Ed: "How long is that?"

Ralph "99 years."

Ed: "99 years?"

Ralph: "Yes, 99 years. That's what America gets from Great Britian when they do that lend-lease stuff."

Ed: "Yeah, but this place isn't exactly Bermuda."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "I'm not the one who's eating it Norton. I watched you tonight. Four pork chops. Four pork chops."

Ed: "What are you complaing about? You had six."

Ralph: "What, are you counting?"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "Norton, do you like the furntiure in here?"

Ed (looking around): "Yeah."

Ralph (to Alice): "See?"

Ed: "Of course. I don't live here."

Frank Gannucci

09-15-2010, 10:16 PM

Here are the listings for Sept. 20-27 on WPIX:

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

Mon. Sep. 20, 2010 1a #007 (aka #098) - "Better Living Through TV": In a classic episode, Ralph and Norton g o on live TV in an attempt to sell the Handy Housewife Helper. The inspired (and ad-lib laden) "Better Living Through TV" (originally telecast Nov. 12, 1955) finds Ralph talking Norton into buying TV time so the two of them can go on the air and sell 2000 of the kitchen gadgets. The idea is for "Chef of the Future" Ralph to demonstrate to "Chef of the Past" Norton the many things the gizmo can do, such as open cans, remove corns and, of course, "core a apple." In the rehearsal, Ralph is the picture of calm, but as they prepare to go on the air, panic sets in and he warns a worrisome Ed: "Stop talking like that, nervous, you're going to get yourself all Norton." CLASSIC QUOTE - "Can it core a apple?"

1:30a #43 (aka #70) - *“Teamwork Beats the Clock”: Ralph and Alice "Beat the Clock," but when they're asked to return, Alice can't make it and Norton takes over.

Mon. Sep. 27, 2010 1a #023 (aka #114) - "Mama Loves Mambo": A dance teacher moves into the building and has all the husbands kicking up a fuss. Ralph and Norton had the idea that Carlos Sanchez was an old man who might like to relax with a game of checkers. He's not---bachelor Carlos is suave and handsome, and worse, is giving their wives mambo lessons in the Kramdens' apartment. Sanchez: Charles Korvin.

1:30a #74 (aka #71) - *“Brother-in-Law”: When Ralph's brother in law wants to borrow money to buy a hotel, Ralph says no; instead he schemes to buy the hotel himself.

*: This episode has been edited heavily.

Credit goes to zap2it.com, the old honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & John K's Book To The Moon.

Frank Gannucci

09-15-2010, 10:30 PM

Sorry, I just found out that MeTV is not showing the Honeymooners from Sept. 19-25. They apparently are showing it on weekends now I am assuming. The above schedule in my first post for MeTV has been edited and it is correct. I will post frther updates when I can. I am going on vacation from Sept. 19-27 so I don't think I will be able to surf the Internet during those dates.

Frank Gannucci

09-17-2010, 07:20 AM

"A Matter of Record":

Alice: "Ralph, I told you that I don't want you calling her that."

Ralph: "Okay, you are an expert on crossword puzzles. Give me another word for 'blabbermouth.'"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "Can you take a hint?"

Ed: "Yes."

Ralph: "All right." (yells): "I HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! NOW GET OUT!"

Ed: "Okay. What's the hint?"

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "Berlin threw away a lot of bad lines."

Alice: "Yeah, if you can only find out where he threw them."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph: "You mean that after taking one look at that Carlos, you are going to give him Trixie's potato salad?"

Ed: "Of course. This will fix his wagon. Before I started eating Trixie's cooking, I was a regular Clark Gable."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "Just for that remark Alice, when we get to Fred's Landing, I won't introduce you to Fred."

Alice: "From this blow, I may never recover."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This (the Handy Housewife Helper) is the key to my future. The key to my future."

Alice: "Don't tell me that it has a key for opening the door at Bellevue?"

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

(Ralph gets hurt by Norton's lit cigarette that Norton accidently dropped.)

Alice: "What happened?"

Ralph (yells): "NORTON WANTED TO HAVE A CIGARETTE."

Alice: "So?"

Ralph (yells): "HE USED ME FOR AN ASHTRAY."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Alice: "How could you even think of going to the movies when Ed took you to the Kit Kat Club on your birthday?"

Ralph: "Did I ask him to take me there? Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested going to the Copa."

Frank Gannucci

09-18-2010, 07:21 AM

Frank Gannucci

09-29-2010, 08:54 PM

Frank Gannucci

09-30-2010, 07:51 PM

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

Mon. Oct. 4, 2010 (CC) 1a #100 (aka #89) – “Songs and Witty Sayings (Part One)”: Ralph and Norton team up for a contest hoping to win first prize. Against their husband's wishes, Alice and Trixie also enter the contest.

(CC) 1:30a #101 – “Songs and Witty Sayings (Part Two)”: Ralph and Norton wake up the neighborhood practicing for the contest.

Mon. Oct. 11, 2010 (CC) 1a #102 (aka #26/#44) – “‘What’s Her Name’/“Champagne & Caviar’”: (For “What’s Her Name”): Ralph and Alice fight over the name of an actress. (For “Champagne & Caviar”): Ralph sets out to impress the company president.

(CC) 1:30a #51 (aka #37/#22) – “‘Guest Speaker’/‘Lost Job’”: (For “Guest Speaker”): Ralph keeps getting interrupted while practicing his speech for the Raccoon Lodge meeting. (For “Lost Job”): Ralph is sure he's been fired when he gets a pink slip in his paycheck

Note: TVguide.com claims that ALN is showing a Color Honeymooners episode on Sun. Oct. 3 at 3am. Yet, zap2it.com & ALN's website say otherwise.

Credit goes to zap2it.com, the old honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & John K's Book To The Moon.

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Alice: "I read in a magazine once that 50% of pain is mental. 50% of that toothache is here (brain). The other 50% is here (mouth).

Ralph: "For your information, 100% of it is here (mouth). There is nothing up there (brain)."

"Love Letter":

Ralph: "A belt? Pretty small gift."

Alice: "Not with what you have to wrap it around."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "I was born under the sign of Pieces the fish."

Ralph: "You were born under the sign of Pistachio the Nut."

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "I want to do the things that young people do. That is what makes you young."

Ralph: "You want to do that? Let's play games that young people play. Let's play house. I will be the daddy and you will be the mommy. All right Mommy CLEAN UP!""Sleepy Time Gal":

Ed: "Trixie, you want to get upstairs to get some beefsteak?"

Trixie: "Why?"

Ed: "To put it on a black eye."

Trixie: "What black eye?"

Ed: "The one you are going to get if you don't go upstairs and put a
beefsteak on it."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a
financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ed: "Why don't you name the dog Ralph? This way, not only can people call him, dogs can call him too. Oh Ralph! Ralph! Ralph! Ralph!"

(Ed barks like a dog and scares Ralph.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!"

"Nephew of The Bride":

(Ralph tries to open the window to get Aunt Ethel's milk.)

Ethel: "Pull harder."

Ralph: "If I pull any harder, I will lift the building off the ground."

Frank Gannucci

10-01-2010, 07:25 AM

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows you what you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

"The Worry Wart":

(Ralph thinks that the government is investigating him. Ed thought that Ralph put down his weight on an income tax form.)

Ralph: "Now would you mind telling me why I would put down my weight on an income tax form?"

Ed: "Why would I know? You're the one being investigated."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "When I win that $100, I am going to get myself some bowling shoes, a leather lumber jacket, and you are going to get a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Life upon the Wicked Stage":

(Alice is dressed up as a hula girl. Trixie is dressed up as a sailor. They are rehearsing for a talent contest. Ralph comes in.)

Ralph: "What are you doing and who is he?"

Alice: "That's Trixie."

Ralph (to Trixie): "All right. What are you doing and who is she (Alice)?"

"Songs & Witty Sayings":

Alice: "My mother had an offer to appear in silent pictures but she turned that down."

Ralph: "For your information, the reason why she did that was because she couldn't keep silent."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Conductor: "Gentlemen, what seems to be the trouble?"

Ralph: "What seems to be the trouble? I'll tell you what the trouble is. First, he makes his and my wife miss the train because he can't keep an eye on them. Then, he comes in here and puts handcuffs on my wrists. That isn't enough. I ask him does he want a drink of water, no. I ask him if he wants something to eat, no. He doesn't want anything until he gets up there and says that he wants a match. Then on top of everything, I have to be handcuffed to this idiot all the way to Minneapolis."

Conductor: "Minneapolis? Gentlemen, this train isn't going to Minneapolis. We are going in the other direction to Norfolk, Virginia."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ed: "How long is the lease for?"

Ralph: "The usual."

Ed: "What is the usual?"

Ralph: "99 years."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "My brothers don't eat like that."

Alice: "Your brothers don't eat like that? Then how come you are the one in the family that they call 'Skinny.'"

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "You want proof that I'm crazy? My leg won't go up."

Alice: "Your leg won't go up?"

Ralph: "That's right. I hit it with a hammer, but it didn't go up."

Frank Gannucci

10-02-2010, 07:40 AM

Frank Gannucci

10-03-2010, 06:49 AM

Frank Gannucci

10-04-2010, 07:18 AM

"Petticoat Jungle":

Ed: "What is this?"

Ralph: "That is a medicine ball."

Ed: "You must have to drink a whole lot of water to swallow something like this."

"Petticoat Jungle":

(The salesman shows the Kramdens and Nortons a very small box.)

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that there is one bathing suit in there?"

Man: "One? There are six of them in here."

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "This is not a crazy costume. This is what all of us cats wear. I got it. I got it. I'm hip! Ready to go! I'm gone! Gone!"

Alice: "You are gone all right."

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "Why do you have to be so icky?"

Ralph: "Icky?"

Alice: "You are a termite Ralph. Strickly out of the woods."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This is the biggest thing I ever got into."

Alice: "That would be your pants."

"A Promotion Part 1":

(Ralph runs home out of breath.)

Ralph: "Everything is fine."

Alice: "Ralph did you run up the stairs? You know that you are not supposed to do that. It's not good for you and it's not good for the stairs either."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "I have been driving with the Gotham Bus Comapny for 12 years."

Bud Collyer: "Well, they do say that travel broadens one."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Bud Collyer: "Have you lived in Brooklyn all your life?"

Ralph: "Not yet."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "Another tail may be haning from this Raccoon cap. Then another and another. Pretty soon, I can become a thirteen-tail man. Do you know what that is like Alice, to be a thirteen-tail man?"

Alice: "It must be pretty special since a monkey only has one."

Frank Gannucci

10-05-2010, 07:22 AM

"Move Uptown":

Ed: "I would like to have a toast."

Ralph: "You know that is awfully nice of you Norton. I would like to have a toast with you."

Ed: "Good. Got any wine around the house?"

"Move Uptown":

(Ed looks at the peep hole.)

Ed: "What is this used for?"

Ralph: "Oh, that is in case someone knocks on the door and you don't want to let him in like a delivery boy or somebody?"

Ed: "The only thing that you can deliver through that thing is a salami."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph (yellis angerly): "I AM GOING TO THE BALL GAME AND THAT'S THAT."

Alice: "And they say all fat men are jolly."

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "This isn't a crazy costume. This is what all of us cats wear. I got it. I got it. I'm hip! Ready to go! I'm gone! Gone!"

Alice: "You're gone all right."

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "What does icky mean?"

Ed: "I don't know. Why?"

Ralph: "Alice just said that I was icky."

Ed: "Must mean fat."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Alice: "Do you know that this morning Ralph insisted on making the beds?"

Trixie: "That is wonderful."

Alice: "What's wonderful is that he got me up at 5am so he could make them."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and anybody."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Doctor: "I notice that you have a slight limp. Is that disability permanent?"

Ralph: "No, it isn't. I got it this morning. I hit myself with a hammer."

Doctor: "You hit yourself with a hammer?"

Ralph: "Don't get the wrong idea. Ed hit my leg with the hammer."

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in the broken-down hotel.)

Ralph: "We can knock down those cobwebs."

Alice: "I wouldn't do that Ralph. They are holding up the wall."

Frank Gannucci

10-06-2010, 07:18 AM

"Oh My Aching Back":

Ralph (yelling in pain): "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA!"

(Alice comes out.)

Alice: "What was that?"

Ralph: "I was just yawning."

Alice: "Yawning? It sounded like feeding time at the zoo."

"The Golfer":

(Ralph picks up the cotton ball.)

Ralph (yells): "OW! IT HAS PINS IN IT."

Ed: "What did you expect. chicken noddles?"

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "I got news for you Alice. Your husband is crazy."

Alice: "Okay. So what's the big news?"

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "We will sell hamburgers, hot dogs, flapjacks, pizza pies..."

Ed: "And we will widen the front door."

Ralph: "Why would we do that?"

Ed: "With all that food, how are you going to get in and out?"

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ed: "Are you sick?"

Ralph: "Yeah, I'm sick."

(Ralph winks to say to Ed that he isn't. Ed doesn't buy it.)

Ed: "You ain't kidding. You even got a twitch in your eye."

"Sees All, Knows All":

Ralph: "I'm not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"To Whomever It May Concern":

Alice: "We will just have to live on our expenses."

Ralph: "Swell! That will take care of tonight. But, what are we going to do in the morning?"

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ed: "Here's a good theme for the dance. How about the Vikings Discovering America?"

Ralph: "You want to do that theme in the Sons of Italy Hall?"

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "What is the first thing that a person has to do if he wants to sell something?"

Ed: "Well, first they look your name (Ralph's) in the phonebook and then they try to sell it to you."

Frank Gannucci

10-08-2010, 04:27 PM

(Alice & Trixie are watching from afar. The boys, along with the Raccoons are doing a reenactment of Columbus sailing to America.)

Alice: "Ralph was very thrilled that the Raccoons were doing this reenactment. He was moreso excited when he got asked to play the part of Christoper Columbus."

Trixie: "My Ed was excited too. This i what he said to me: 'I am going to see all of that water that goes into my place of business.'"

Alice: "That must be the boats right there."

Trixie: "That thing?"

(Very small motor boat versions of the Nina, Pinta & Santa Maria are getting ready to leave.)

Head Raccoon: "This is a proud day in the history of the Raccoons. We are going to get noticed during this reeneactment. Are you ready Brother Ralph 'Christoper Columbus' Kramden?"

(The camera shows Ralph who looks to be sea sick.)

Ralph: "Oh, I am ready. I never felt BETTER in my life."

Head Raccoon: "Oh good! Are you ready Brother Ed Norton?"

Ed: "Oh, I am. Don't pay any attention to Ralph here. That is just his way of being cool and calm."

Head Raccoon: "Oh good! The Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler is going to be watching this. He will be very proud."

(Later on, they all aboard their "ships.")

Ed: "Now Ralph, I don't want you to worry. Nothing is going to happen. The boat is just going to go up and down. Up and down. Up and down. Up and down. Up and down."

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP!" (normally): "I bet Columbus never had to deal with a mental case like you."

(They all leave and Ralph's face gets greener.)

(They all approach New York City.)

Ralph: "Land ho! I see land."

(Ed eats a banana. He takes the peel off and puts it on the boat's edge.)

(They arrive back. Ralph looks better. He stands on the edge of the boat.)

Ralph: "I guess I was wrong. There was nothing to worry about."

Ed: "Atta boy!"

(Ralph walks a little forward and accidentally slips on the peel that Ed left there and falls into the icy cold water.)

(Ralph resurfaces.)

Ed: "Are you wet?"

Ralph (yells): "COME HERE NORTON! PUT 'EM UP! PUT 'EM UP!"

(Ralph comes back onto the boat and chases Ed around.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. The audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. Happy Columbus Day! The Miami Beach audiences are the greatest audiences in the world. Good night!"

(Audience applauds.)

“Stars Over Flatbush”:

Ralph: “The horoscope is bigger than I am.”

Alice: “Nothing is bigger than you are.”

“The Man From Space”:

Ralph: “If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side.”

Ed: “When you walk down a street, there AIN’T no other side.”

“Please Leave The Premises”:

Ralph: “What I say goes.”

Alice: “Then you better say Alice because I am going.”

“Oh My Aching Back”:

(Ralph tries to stand up straight with his bad back. He looks terrible.)

Ralph: “Does this look natural?”

Ed: “Like the Leaning Tower of Pizza.”

“A Weighty Problem Part 1”:

Ralph: “For your information, I am four pound underweight. It says so in the chart.”

Alice: “You must have been looking at a chart for a hippo.”

“A Weighty Problem Part 1”:

Ralph: “I can’t find the report.”

Ed: “Maybe you ate it.”

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "What did you used to call your dad?"

Ed: "Long distance."

"The Main Event":

Dynamite: "I need a manager. Someone who will give fights."

Ed: "Why don't you get the guy you KOed in 12 seconds?"

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "You are going to say: `Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts.'"

Ralph: "Don't worry."

(The butler comes in and Ralph thinks it is Uncle Howard.)

Ralph: "Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts."

"Sun & Fun & The Raccoon Capital":

(Ralph is trying to get into his uniform…his pants are too big. In the storyline, [and Jackie in real life, of course] he lost weight.)

Ralph: "If I go out in these, I will be a laughing stock."

Ed: "If you don't, you will get a few laughs too."

Frank Gannucci

10-09-2010, 07:17 AM

Frank Gannucci

10-11-2010, 07:18 AM

"Head of The House":

Ralph: "There would be no America if it wasn't for Christopher Columbus."

Alice: "There would be no Christopher Columbus if it wasn't for his mother."

"Catch A Star":

Ralph: "Where would we be if Christopher Columbus hadn't taken the chance and discovered America?"

Alice: "We would be in Italy and you would be telling everyone that you knew Gina Lolobrigida."

"Dinner Guest":

Ralph: "Every man in history has had a woman behind him. Christopher Columbus had Isabella. Napoleon had Josephine."

Alice: "Oh, don't tell me that you are comparing yourself to Napoleon."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Yeah Ralph, tell him how you once saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "Well, Jackie Gleason walked across the street, and I stopped for a red light."

(Ralph looks at both Ed & Alice.)

Ralph: "Well, if I had gone through the red light, I would have hit him."

Ed: "You didn't save him. You saved your bus."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Nobody is 100%."

Alice: "You are. You have been wrong every time."

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "As time wore on, I grew older. I matured."

Ralph: "Yeah, now you are a full-grown nut."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Alice: "Mom's apartment is not getting any smaller."

Ed: "No, but Ralph is getting bigger."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

(Ralph & Ed are thinking of a slogan for Flakey-Wakey's Cereal.)

Ralph: "Flakey-wakey's add to the taste..."

Ed: "...but take away from your fat little waist."

Happy Columbus Day!

Frank Gannucci

10-12-2010, 07:24 AM

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph picks up a burnt jacket.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that is my idea of a burn."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Butler: "Mr. Marshall will be here shortly. He is in the library."

Ed: "The library?"

(Ed looks at watch.)

Ed: "He ought to be here soon. The library closes at 9."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE NOT GOING!"

Alice (yells): "I AM GOING!"

Ralph: "The only place that you are going to is the moon."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are in the automat across the street from the Cornelius Vanderbilt Statue.)

Ralph (reading the clues): "'Cornelius will be watching you...'"

Ed: "Wait a minute."

(Ed walks away, goes through the revolving door, and then he comes back.)

Ralph: "Now, what did you just do?"

Ed: "Okay, Corny is watching us."

"King Of The Castle":

Alice: "I thought you were leaving forever."

Ralph: "I wouldn't give you the satisfaction."

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Alice: "You and Norton will have to sleep out in the kitchen."

Ralph: "Just a moment. Whenever you mother or your Aunt Ethel comes, I have to sleep in the kitchen. It's a good thing that we don't have a cat because if he ever wanted to sleep in the kitchen, I would have to sleep in a box out in the hall."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "At least my relatives don't come by unexpected."

Alice: "No, they come as steady as clockwork. Three times a week."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "This picture must be 15 years old."

Ralph: "Yeah. I seem to remember that dress."

Alice: "You should. I wore it yesterday."

Frank Gannucci

10-13-2010, 07:21 AM

Frank Gannucci

10-14-2010, 07:46 AM

Frank Gannucci

10-15-2010, 10:55 AM

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

All times are Eastern.

Mon. Oct. 18, 2010 1a (CC) #58 (aka #30/#32) - “‘Norton Moves In’/‘Dinner Guest’”: (For “Norton Moves In”): The Nortons move in with the Kramdens while their apartment is being painted. Trixie and Alice take the bedroom, while Norton and Ralph attempt to sleep on a cot in the kitchen. (For “Dinner Guest”): Ralph invites a man from the bus company to dinner so he can discuss promotion. There's only one problem -every time Ralph attempts to mention the promotion Alice changes the subject.

1:30a (CC) #61 (aka #135/#15) – “‘Goodnight Sweet Prince’/‘Jellybeans’”: (For “Goodnight Sweet Prince”): When Ralph gets night shift duty he finds it impossible to sleep during the day. Everyone in the neighborhood gives him advice on sleeping, which only makes Ralph more nervous and irritable. (For “Jellybeans”): Ralph loses Alice's dress money when he schemes to win a jellybean contest.

Mon. Oct. 25, 2010 1a (CC) #62 (aka #77) – “Cupid (Part One)”: When Ralph meets an old classmate who is still single, he begins to call single women in the neighborhood to get him a date. Alice and Trixie think Ralph is making the dates for himself.

1:30a (CC) #63 – “Cupid (Part Two)”: Matters get more complicated when Norton lies to Alice so she won't find out that Ralph has been playing matchmaker.

Note: TVGuide.com claims that ALN is going to show the Color Honeymooners on Sun. Oct. 17 at 2a and Wed. Oct. 20 at 3a. Yet, zap2it.com & ALN's website say otherwise.

Credit goes to zap2it.com, the old honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & John K's Book To The Moon.

"Checkup":

Ed: "Has there been anything you wanted to look inside that didn't belong to you?"

Ralph: "Yes. Your head."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Get in that kitchen and start cleaning up."

Alice: "Only if I use you for a mop."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "In this hotel, the guest doesn't have to lift a finger."

Ed: "Neither does the manager."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph (to Carlos): "It's easy for you to play Sir Galahad. You don't work. When you work, you dance. That's not work. When we work, we work. Dirty work. Just take a look at my friends hands and mine and yours."

Ed: "It's not fair to compare my hands to his. I got mine in water all day."

"On Stage":

(Ralph is thinking of how to greet the Raccoons in his letters.)

Ed: "How about 'Greetings!'?"

Ralph: "'Greetings?'"

Ed: "Yeah, the draft board did pretty good with that one."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(The car won't start.)

Trixie: "Ralph, it might help if you turned the ignition key."

Ralph: "I was just about to do that. I just wanted to see if the battery was alive."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "I am a nobody."

Ed: "I could have told you that 10 years ago."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "The bills will get bigger and bigger and I will have less to eat. I will start losing weight. Then, do you know what I will look like?"

Alice: "Yeah, a human being."

"What's The Name":

Ralph: "Everytime there was a love scene, Ed had to kiss Trixie."

Alice: "I think that that is very romantic."

Ralph: "Romantic, huh? I was sitting between them."

Frank Gannucci

10-17-2010, 07:19 AM

Frank Gannucci

10-18-2010, 07:47 AM

Frank Gannucci

10-19-2010, 07:47 AM

Frank Gannucci

10-21-2010, 09:32 AM

"Something Fishy":

Ralph: "When did you ever catch anything?"

Alice: "15 years ago. I caught 300 lbs. of blubber."

"Oh My Aching Back":

Ralph: "I am not the type that eats-and-runs."

Alice: "Eats-and-runs? With the way you eat, you are lucky that you can walk."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Just remember, you can't put your arms around a memory."

Alice: "I can't even put my arm around you."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ed: "I can you a job with me down in the sewer. All you have to do is pass the test."

Ralph: "What test?"

Ed: "Can you float?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You are willing to shell out money from your life insurance for this carzy idea. That settles it Ralph. You got rocks in your head."

Ralph (yells): "I GOT ROCKS IN MY HEAD? I GOT ROCKS IN MY HEAD? I GOT NOTHING IN MY HEAD!"

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(Ralph & Ed enter the broken-down cottage.)

Ralph: "$998, we have been robbed. What are we going to tell the girls. THey will kill us after seeing that place in the showroom. What are we going to do?"

Ed: "If it wasn't January, we can pop out from behind them and yell: 'April Fool.'"

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph just discovered a love letter that he thinks someone wrote to Alice.)

Ralph: "Everyone in the neighborhood knows about this. I am probably the laughingstock of the whole neighborhood. Am I the neigherborhood's laughingstock?"

Ed: "Yeah, and they don't even know about this yet."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Alice: "The only thing that is overstuffed around here is YOU."

Ralph: "That is the same line that your mother used when I threw her out bodily."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "When you save the money, you can't take it with you."

Alice: "You are right. I never go anyplace."

Frank Gannucci

10-22-2010, 07:22 AM

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "This is my guest and I'm your employer."

Thelma: "Some guest and some employer. The SIMP and the BLIMP."

"The Safety Award":

Ed: "Can I use this hankerchef?"

Ralph: "It is one of my new ones. Remember, it's for showin', not blowin'."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Uh, who should I call Norton?"

Ed: "How about the fire escape? Maybe someone is out there."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There":

Ed: "A dcotor once told me that I had a split-personality. I was two people. One was Ed Norton: The gay, carefree man-about-town. The other one was Ed Norton: The sober, serious-minded thinker."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I got cured. I got cured. I am now one person. I am Ed Norton: The sober, serious-minded thinker."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "I got news for you Alice. Big news. Your huband is crazy.:

Alice: "Okay, so what's the big news?"

"Petticoat Jungle":

(Ed picks up a cricket bat.)

Ed: "What is it used for?"

Ralph: "To kill crickets."

"You're In The Picture":

(Alice seeing a photo of a woman kissing Ralph, jumps to the conclusion that Ralph is seeing another woman. Ralph tries to tell her that the woman is a blackmailer and much to Ralph's chagrin, she forced herself on him, but to no avail. A policeman comes and explains that the woman in the picture is a blackmailer and reveals the fact that what Ralph said was true. Ralph brings the Nortons out to explain the whole thing.)

Alice: "Forgive me Ralph."

Ralph: "Not yet, I want to enjoy this for a while."

"Petticoat Jungle":

Ed: "How would you like to bag an elephant Alice?"

Alice: "I already did."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "As usual, I am carrying the whole load on my shoulders."

Alice: "You are carrying the load, but it's not on your shoulders."

Frank Gannucci

10-23-2010, 07:21 AM

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "I was handling that job perfectly. You know what happened today wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault."

(Ralph is referring to the incident where he got stuck between two large pipes because of his weight.)

Alice: "No Ralph, it wasn't your fault. You were just doing your impression of two pounds of bologna in a one pound bag."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

(Ralph cooks a sorry excuse for oatmeal and serves it to the girls.)

Trixie: "Ed, you try this (oatmeal)."

Ed (looking at the oatmeal): "No, I will bee a gentlemen to wait. I may wait until tomorrow."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

(Ralph is planning on doing the most work when he and Alice go on Beat The Clock.)

Ralph: "As usual, I am carrying the whole load on my shoulders."

Alice: "You are carrying the load but it's not on your shoulders."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph & Ed (singing loudly): "WELL, STROLLING THROUGH THE PARK ONE DAY IN THE MERRY, MERRY MONTH OF MAY. I WAS TAKEN BY SURPRISE BY A
PAIR OF RUGGISH EYES..."

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "WILL YOU TWO KEEP IT QUIET DOWN THERE? I'M TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP."

Ralph: "That's that wise guy Garrity."

(Ralph goes to the window and opens it.)

Ralph (yells): "AREN'T YOU HOME EARLY GARRITY? WHAT HAPPENED, DID THE
SALOON BURN DOWN?"

"King of The Castle":

(Ralph is trying to give Alice the symphony routine. He claims that he is in pain.)

Ralph: "It's my stomach."

Alice (looking at his stomach): "Gee,that is a big problem."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Alice gives Ralph some celery sticks.)

Alice: "How do you like your supper Ralph?"

Ralph: "My supper? You mean to tell me that that was my supper? What are these things (knife & fork) for, to commit suicide with?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ed (looking at a map): "Here's New York City, that is where we started from. Then we go through the Lincoln Tunnel. This black dot here is Jersey City. This black dot here is Bayoone."

Ralph: "Well, Bayoone moving. That's an ant."

Ed: "Let's follow the ant. He looks like he knows where he is going."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

(Ralph is ready to paint the Norton's apartment.)

Ed: "I want the walls to be brown. Not as dark as a hazel-nut brown. Not as brown as morbid milk brown. There's a certain way that the sun at Coney Island has a way of striking the a hot dog's mustard which reflects off the hot dog through the sauerkraut. That's the kind of brown that I want."

Ralph: "What about the moldings and window frames?"

Ed: "I sort of visualize them as a misty gray. Did you see that technicolor movie with Ricardo Cortez? I want the grey from his eyes. Not the iris part of his eyes, but the cornea."

Ralph: "That kind of grey huh? What about the door?"

Ed: "The door I haven't really thought to much about."

Ralph: "I think it should be something neutral so it doesn't clash with anything."

Ed: "Good thinking. It should be a delicate badge. Not a harsh beige, just a neutral delicate beige."

Ralph: "Let me see if I got all this right. You want the walls to be a brown like the sun striking through the mustard and saurkraut on a hot dog. You want the moldings and window frames to be the gray of Robert Cortez's eyes. Not the iris, but the cornea and you want the door to be a nice delicate beige."

Ed: "Yeah."

Ralph: "I'm painting the whole joint green."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Money. I am a millionaire."

Ed: "There is enough in here to keep you in pizza for the rest of your life."

Frank Gannucci

10-25-2010, 07:18 AM

Frank Gannucci

10-26-2010, 07:09 AM

"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "Now tell me why I would put my weight down on an income tax form?"

Ed: "How should I know? You are the one being investigated."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph: "When did you ever catch anything?"

Alice: "15 years ago. I caught 300 lbs of blubber."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "Norton, I don't want to lose her."

(Ralph leaves. Ed sits down and eats the rest of Ralph's dinner.)

Ed: "I hoep he doesn't lose her too. She is such a good cook."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(The couples are in the cottage.)

Ed: "This isn't such a bad place."

Trixie: "Maybe not for a guy who has spent most of his life in the sewer."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph (very angerily, yells): "I AM GOING TO THE BALLGAME AND THAT'S THAT."

Alice: "And they say that all fat men are jolly."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

Ralph: "14 years, I have fractured myself driving a bus just to take care of her. Now, this afternoon, I see her and a guy come out of an Italian restaurant and take a cab. That is loyalty for you."

Ed: "The least she could have done was take a bus."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

(Ed showcases his sense of humor.)

Bing Crosby: "What do you do?"

Ed: "I work in the sewer."

Bing: "That explains it."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

(Ralph's staff is right in front of him.)

Ralph: "Staff, dinner will be at 7 unless of course Bing doesn't come."

Ed: "In that case, we will eat at 6."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ralph is in the makeup lady's chair.)

Makeup Lady: "I'm exentuating the blue in your eyes."

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph: "You laugh one more time and I'm going to exentuate the black in your eyes."

Frank Gannucci

10-27-2010, 07:20 AM

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Ralph (yells): "WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK ALICE? WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK? I TOLD YOU THIS PLACE WILL LOOK BEAUTIFUL."

Alice (yells): "YOU MADE A MISTAKE. WHY DON'T YOU ADMIT IT RALPH?"

Ralph (yells): "ALL RIGHT! I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I MADE A MISTAKE. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME."

Alice (yells): "DON'T TEMPT ME RALPH! DON'T TEMPT ME."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Doctor: "This is an aptitude test Mr. Kramden. You are supposed to take an object and fit it in its respective hole."

Ed: "Can three people play?"

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph (to Carlos): "It's easy for you to play Sir Galahad. You don't work. When you work, you dance. That's not work. When we work, we work. Dirty work. Just take a look at my friend's hands and mine and yours."

Ed: "It's not fair to compare my hands to his. I got mine in water all day."

"On Stage":

(Ralph is thinking of how to greet the Raccoons in his letters.)

Ed: "How about 'Greetings!'?"

Ralph: "'Greetings?'"

Ed: "Yeah, the draft board did pretty good with that one."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(The car won't start.)

Trixie: "Ralph, it might help if you turned the ignition key."

Ralph: "I was just about to do that. I just wanted to see if the battery was alive."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "First you almost made me lose my hearing. Then, you try to electrocute me. Why don't you help me some more, run over me with the car?"

Ed: "I can't get the car started."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "I am a nobody."

Ed: "I could have told you that 10 years ago."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "The bills will get bigger and bigger and I will have less to eat. I will start losing weight. Then, do you know what I will look like?"

Alice: "Yeah, a human being."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "You want my salary to leak out?"

Alice: "Your salary coundn't even drip out."

Frank Gannucci

10-28-2010, 06:59 PM

(Alice comes into the kitchen. She is dressed as Brittany Spears.)

Ralph (from bedroom): "Get ready. I am coming out."

(Ralph comes out dressed as LeBron James.)

Ralph: "Boy, could you see the faces of the people down there when I walk in like this. Do I look like LeBron? Do I look like one of the people who are recognized as one of the biggest basketball players on Earth?"

Alice: "Well,..."

Ralph (yells): "DON'T SAY IT!"

(Ed comes in dressed as Lady Gaga.)

Alice: "Oh Ed, you look wonderful."

Ralph: "Oh yeah. NOBODY is going to question your sexual orientation with that costume."

Ed: "Ralph as LeBron James. That is great Ralph."

Ralph: "Yes. That LeBron James is now a Heat player. I may dislike the Heat but LeBron is going to find out that playing near Miami Beach is the greatest feeling in the world."

(Audience cheers.)

Ralph: "He is known as a King just like I am the King of this house."

Alice: "Yeah, sure you are Ralph."

Ralph (sounding humble): "That was a sweet dinner Alice sweetie."

Alice: "All right."

Ralph: "Just wait until I see Garrity's costume at the dance tonight. He is going as Shaq. Ha ha ha."

Alice: "Is Trixie ready?"

Ed: "She is coming down."

Alice: "Ralph, I hope that you don't embarrass yourself."

Ralph: "I never do."

Ed: "After this dance, why don't we all go out trick-or-treating?"

Ralph: "Oooooh!"

(At the dance.)

Ralph: "Garrity, I see that you are dressed as that old man Shaq. He is old just like you. Why don't we go outside and play one-on-one. There is a basketball hoop with a basketball outside. I will own you."

Garrity: "You are on Kramden."

Ralph: "Get ready to lose."

(Ralph seriuosly hurts his knee within two seconds of playing. Trixie, Ed & Alice carry him home.)

Alice: "Ralph, what do you have to say for yourself?"

Ralph: "I got a BIIIG mouth."

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Happy Halloween and the Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience cheers.)

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "Grogan, if you had two tickets to a World Series game and your sister-in-law was going to get married at the same time as the game, where would you go?"

Grogan: "I would go to the wedding."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph: "You mean that fter taking one look at that Carlos, you are going to give him Trixie's potato salad?"

Ed: "Of course. This will fix his wagon. Before I started eating Trixie's cooking, I was a regular Clark Gable."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "Just for that remark Alice, when we get to Fred's Landing, I won't introduce you to Fred."

Alice: "From this blow, I may never recover."

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

(Ralph gets hurt by Norton's lit cigarette that Norton accidently dropped.)

Alice: "What happened?"

Ralph (yells): "NORTON WANTED TO HAVE A CIGARETTE."

Alice: "So?"

Ralph (yells): "HE USED ME FOR AN ASHTRAY."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Alice: "How could you even think of going to the movies when Ed took you to the Kit Kat Club on your birthday?"

Ralph: "Did I ask him to take me there? Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested going to the Copa."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I don't remember the song I used to play on this cornette. I got the music right here."

(Ralph plays the cornette. No sound is heard.)

Alice: "Not so loud Ralph. You will disturb the neighbors."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Jackie Gleason is in the other room.)

Ed: "Why do you think everyone gave Jackie the nickname 'The Fat One'?"

Ralph: "That's 'The Great One.'"

Frank Gannucci

10-29-2010, 10:59 AM

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

All times are Eastern.

Mon. Nov. 8, 2010 1a (CC) #64 (aka #58) – *“Hair-Raising Tale”: Ralph is tricked into buying a new hair growth formula. He and Norton proceed to test the new treatment on Ralph's boss.

1:30a (CC) #65 (aka #33/#24) – “‘Manager of The Baseball Team’ ('53 version)/‘Income Tax’”: (For “Manager of The Baseball Team”): Ralph mistakenly believes he's been promoted to manager. (For “Income Tax”): Ralph tries to do his taxes and figures that he owes the government $15.00. Unfortunately, he was saving his last $15.00 for a new bowling ball.

*: This episode has been edited HEAVILY.

Note: TVGuide.com claims that ALN Is going to show the Color Honeymooners on Mon. Nov. 1 at 2 & 3a. Yet, zap2it.com & aln's website say otherwise.

Credit goes to zap2it.com, the old honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & John K's Book To The Moon.

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Doctors can be wrong too you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy, did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."

"The Safety Award":

(Alice & Trixie have the same dress on.)

Ralph: "Don't those dresses look alike?"

Ed: "Alike? They are like the Bobbsie Twins."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "I am the General. What I say goes."

Alice: "Then you better say Alice because I am going."

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Ralph comes home to a candlelit dinner.)

Alice: "Hello Ralph!"

Ralph: "So you forgot to pay the electric bill, huh?"

"Hero Part 1":

Mrs Halloway: "'He also says that if anybody says anything bad about you, he is willing to fight them."

Ed: "That kid is going to have a lot of fighting to do."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ed: "Who are they going to give your suit too?"

Ralph: "Some poor unfortunate that is broken down."

Ed: "That is right. Someone who can't afford to dress as well as we do."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "Happy is the worst horse. I saw them take the bandages off the horse."

Ed: "Yeah, Happy had a bad headache."

"Two For The Money":

Man: "If he had bandages on his legs, why didn't he stretch them?"

Ed: "Happy didn't have to do that. They put Olive Oil on his legs before they put the bandages on."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Ralph: "Since we are going to be living here, I may need to get my wife some new clothes."

Bruno: "Don't worry about it. All she will need is a black dress."

Frank Gannucci

10-30-2010, 10:08 AM

(Ralph is downstairs waiting for Norton. He pokes his head out the window.)

Ralph (yells): "ARE YOU READY YET, NORTON?"

Ed (from upstairs, yells): "I AM READY! I WILL BE RIGHT DOWN!"

(Ralph closes the window. Ed comes down.)

Ed: "Whaddaya say Ralph?"

Ralph: "Aren't you ready to come with me to vote?"

Ed: "Vote? I am not going to vote. Going down there to vote is too much trouble."

Ralph: "Trouble? In 1680, a group of pilgrims left for America on a boat called the Mayfair. It was a long trip. They had nothing to eat. Do you know why they did that? Just so you can have the pleasure of voting."

Ed: "If they knew about me, they could have saved themselves the trip."

Ralph: "You're voting with me Norton. I want to vote out those BUM Democrats. Those Democrats I think are mostly responsible for the economic mess that we are in. Do you want more jobs in this country Norton?"

Ed: "Yeah. I know that my sewer is cutting back. Very few people are willing to brace the waters."

Ralph: "I hope I have no trouble with that 'new and improved' voting machines that the city has. I heard that the city has been having problems with them."

Ed: "I hope not. They could have been such a breeze to activate."

Ralph: "As far as I know Norton, me and you could be the deciding votes that could help this country get out of the economic mess that we are in. We could be the saviors of this country. A bus driver and a sewer worker."

Ed: "We are sweet kids."

(They sing a song about electing officals.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. I hope that you people get out and vote. We should be very proud that we can vote in this country, unlike other countries. In my opinion, this is the greatest country on earth."

(Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "The Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience cheers louder.)

Frank's note: I know that I put down the wrong year (1680) and the wrong name (Mayfair.) I did that on purpose because Ralph said something simialr in the B&W version of "The People's Choice."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Alice: "You got fingers in your gloves. Fix the silverware."

Ralph: "How would you like some fingers in your nose?"

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Ralph Kramden."

Ed: "I am as close as anybody can get to him."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ed puts a beauty mark on Ralph's left cheek after the makeup put some makeup on Ralph's eyes and lipstick.)

Ralph: "What did you just do?"

Ed: "I put a beauty mark on your left cheek."

Ralph: "Why did you do that?"

Ed: "Without it, you look exactly like Barbara Streisand."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Alice is dressed up as a hula girl. Trixie is dressed up as a sailor. They are rehearsing for a talent contest. Ralph comes in.)

Ralph: "What are you doing and who is he?"

Alice: "That's Trixie."

Ralph (to Trixie): "All right. What are you doing and who is she (Alice)?"

"Principle of The Thing" & "Hot Dog Stand":

Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute neccessity?"

Ralph: "I do. You can't bowl without one."

"People's Choice" (Color):

(Ed brakes a paper bag behind Ralph's back. Ralph thought that he was shot.)

Alice: "What was that noise?"

Ralph: "Babyhead (Ed) had to break a paper bag."

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

(Ralph lost the $200 that the lodge had collected.)

Ralph: "All I could scrape together was $6."

Ed: "Why don't you hock Alice's engagement ring?"

Ralph: "Where do you think I got the $6?"

"This Is Your Life Part 2":

Phil Cucco: "Too bad there aren't enough Alices to go around."

Ralph: "This one gets around pretty good."

Frank Gannucci

10-30-2010, 10:08 AM

Frank Gannucci

10-31-2010, 07:06 AM

All L.E. quotes are from "Halloween Party" & "Halloween Party For The Boss":

#1

(Ed comes in dressed as Clara Bow.)

Ed: "Whaddaya say Alice?"

(The crowd laughs then appluads.)

Alice: "Oh Ed you look wonderful."

Ed: "How did you recognize me?"

#2

Alice: "It's very simple Ralph. You are a Zulu Chief."

Ralph: "A Zulu Chief? Well, if this is what a Zulf Chief wears, I hate to be a private citizen in that tribe."

#3

(Ralph gets a mousetrap caught on his hand.)

Ralph (coming into the kitchen with a mousetrap on his hand, yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Ed: "What have you got on your hand?"

Ralph: "A mousetrap."

Ed: "What are you going as, a mouse?"

All C39 quotes are from "The Man From Space":

#1

Alice: "Instead of buying a costume, why can't you use your brain and make one?"

Ralph: "Because I want to win. That's why."

#2

(Ralph has his "Man From Space" costume on.)

Ralph: "Can you see the faces on them (the Raccoons) down there (at the Raccoon Lodge) when I walk in with this? Well, what do you think?"

Alice: "I think you are nuts."

#3

Ralph: "That is the trouble with you. You don't know the latest developments."

Alice: "I don't know the latest developments? Who is it that lets out your pants every week?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "That sailor that you saw in the hall was Trixie."

Ed: "It couldn't have been Trixie. She was in the army."

"Curse of The Kramdens":

Man: "Did your mitther come from Ireland?"

Ed: "What's a mitther?"

Ralph: "He means your mother."

Ed: "No, she didn't. Neither did my britther or my sitther. It was my grandfither."

"Curse of The Kramdens":

Ed: "Is it true that a ghost can go through a wall."

Ralph: "If that happens, you will see me going through that wall."

Credit goes to Yahoo! Groups You're A Riot.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Frank Gannucci

11-01-2010, 07:22 AM

"Expectant Dad" & "The Adoption":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. They just called us 'Big' Ralph and 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"Double Anniversary":

Ralph: "Something smells good."

Ed: "It can't be me. I just got through working in the sewer."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "We got money in the bank. Don't we?"

Alice: "Yeah, we do. $3.31."

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "We must remove the mental block from the patient's subconscious mind. Do you follow?"

Ralph: "Not exactly but when you said 'Mental Block', I knew it had something to do with Norton."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "You just shattered another dream tonight. 'The Candy Store' dream we will call this one. You shattered it. When I was a kid, my dreams were shattered. I wanted a pony. I called it 'The Pony Dream.' That was shattered. My parents were broke. Both dreams shattered. The story of my life is shattered dreams."

Alice: "All right Ralph. I understand and I will make it up to you. You forget this 'Candy Store' dream and every Sunday, I will treat you to a pony ride."

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "I want to do the things that young people do. That is what makes you young."

Ralph: "You want to do that? Let's play games that young people play. Let's play house. I will be the daddy and you will be the mommy. All right Mommy CLEAN UP!"

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (reading): "'Four-letter word for place of dwelling.' I got that one. House: H-o-s-e. That is the trouble with these puzzles. They are not challenging."

Alice: "Yeah, they are easy. Easy: E-z-y."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: ""For one of a nail, a shoe is lost. For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a battle was lost. And for one of a battle, a war was lost. And for one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost."

Alice: "Why don't you get lost?"

"Play It Again, Norton":

(Ed is disguised as Ralph's son. Ed has Alice's wig on.)

Ralph: "My son has my wife's eyes."

Ed: "I also have her hair."

Frank Gannucci

11-02-2010, 07:11 AM

All Color quotes from "The People's Choice":

#1

(Ralph looks outside the window as Ed blows air into his paper bag and pops it. Ralph thinks that he has been shot and screams in pain. When he realizes what Ed did, he gets mad at Ed. Alice comes out.)

Alice: "What happened?"

Ralph: "Babyhead (Ed) had to break a paper bag."

#2

(Mr. Miller & Mr. Weaver want Ralph to run for Assembly.)

Mr. Miller: "I read some of his (Ralph's) interviews in the newspaper. He doesn't sound smart."

Mr. Weaver: "That is what we want. A stupid hero."

#3

Ralph: "I'm a hero. A hero. A heeero. Do you know what a hero is?"

Alice: "Yeah, a fat sandwich."

"People's Choice Part 2":

(Ralph & the rest of the gang are on the street with instruments [including Ed wearing a drum with suspenders], and advertisements that say: "Vote For Kramden.")

Man: "What do you know about an assemblyman?"

Ralph (giving the signal to Ed to start playing his drum that gives Alice the signal to play the cymbals): "What do I know about being an assemblyman? What do I know about being an assemblyman?" (hitting Ed): "What do I know about being an assemblyman? I'll tell you what I know about being an assemblyman."

(Ed plays his drums & Alice plays the cymbals while Ralph mouths words.)

(The music stops.)

Ralph: "That's what I know about being an assemblyman. Do you have any other questions?"

Man: "Yes. When did you four nuts escape?"

"The People's Choice Part 2":

Ralph (reading his speech to a couple): "'Friends, pretty soon it will be time to go to the polls and vote. You can vote for a guy like me, Ralph Kramden. A fearless citizen who has captured such ruthless people as Bullets Durgem or you can vote for the other guy, that dirty bum, Harvey Porter. If you elect me, I will give you honest government'..."

Woman: "Come on John."

(They leave.)

Ralph: "I'll put new parks in the benches. I'll..." (yells): "SHE WON'T BE SUCH A RIOT AFTER YOU MARRY HER."

"Forgot To Register":

Alice: "Harper is for people like us."

Ralph: "Harper is not for people like us. Penrose is for the little man and I am a little man. Don't you dare say it"

All from "The Deciding Vote":

#1

Alice: "You mean to tell me that you didn't vote for Frank McGillicuddy?"

Ed: "McGuillicuddy? I don't even know how to spell his name."

#2

Ralph: "All right Ed. If you did not not vote for me, than who did?"

Ed: "Joe Rumsey."

Ralph: "Joe Rumsey. That's impossible. Why would he do that?"

Ed: "Remember that vaccum cleaner you gave him. He tried it out. He didn't do so well with the oatmeal test either."

#3

(Ralph & Ed turn on the vacuum but it doesn't suck up dirt.)

Ed: "I think that motor needs a drop of erl."

Ralph: "Yeah, that is all that it needs. A drop of oil."

Alice: "A drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas."