"Young At Heart":

Alice: "I want to do the things that young people do. That is what keeps you young."

Ralph: "You want to do things that young people do? Let's play games that young people play. Let's play 'House.' You'll be the mommy and I'll be the poppy. All right mommy - CLEAN UP!"

"Dial J For Janitor":

(The house phone is ringing.)

Ralph: "I'm not answering it. I'm not answering it. Let it ring-ring-ring because I'm not answering it."

Alice: "But they are playing your song."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Nobody is 100% Alice."

Alice: "You are. You have been wrong every time."

"Brother-In-Law":

Frank: "Hey Ralph, are you going to eat your soup?"

Ralph: "I'm not hungry."

Frank (about to grab the soup): "Well, I hate to see anything go to waste."

Ralph (taking the soup): "I just got hungry."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(All of them are in the lemon that is their cottage.)

Ralph (yells): "WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK ALICE? WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK? I AM TELLING YOU THIS PLACE IS GOING TO BE FIXED UP REAL GOOD."

Alice (yells): "YOU MADE A MISTAKE. WHY DON'T YOU ADMIT IT RALPH?"

Ralph (yells): "ALL RIGHT. I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I MADE A MISTAKE. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME."

Alice (yells): "DON'T TEMPT ME RALPH. DON'T TEMPT ME."

"My Fair Landlord":

(Ralph has just complained to Mr. Olsen that he does nothing for the apartment building. Ralph leaves.)

Mr. Olsen: "Your husband has got a lot of nerve saying that to me Mrs. Kramden. I do plenty around here. Last night, I was up until midnight waxing the stairs..."

Ralph (falling down the stairs, yells): "DUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed comes out with a sailboat. Ralph wants to take a bath.)

Ralph: "You don't mean to tell me that you kept me waiting out here for 20 minutes while you were in there playing with a boat in the tub?"

Ed: "I'm sorry Ralph. This is a new boat. We were on the Shakedown Cruise!"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(It's Alice's birthday and Ralph has forgotten it.)

Alice: "Ralph, you do remember what today is?"

Ralph: "Sure, it's my pool night."

Alice's Mom: "See? He's good for nothing."

Ralph: "How do you know? You never saw me shoot pool."

"You're In The Picture":

(The Kramdens and Nortons are shopping in Spain.)

Alice: "This only costs 120 posadas (sp?)."

Ralph: "Only 120 posadas? You think I am made of posadas?"

Alice: "I said posadas. Not potatoes."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph and Ed have just finished playing poker with ther friends.)

Ralph: "Did you ever see a sore loser like that?"

Ed: "Yes, I did. Two weeks ago when you lost."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you know that if I become Raccoon of The Year that we get the honor of free burial at the Raccoon National Cemetary? Do you know where that is? Bismark, North Dakota."

Alice: "Well, that's wonderful Ralph. Just wonderful. I always dreamed about going out west."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "Can you take a hint?"

Ed: "Yes."

Ralph: "All right." (yells): "I HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! NOW GET OUT."

Ed: "Okay, what's the hint?"

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "You can't put your arms around a memory."

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is all the janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be hard with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and tell him off good."

Alice: "I was waiting for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I'm home. So go down and tell him off."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

Bing: "Looks like you run a very democratic household Ralph."

Trixie: "Yeah, you know what happened to them in the last election."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "Nobody is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one big enough?"

"Ralph Kramden Inc."

Ed: "Is that the crunchy kind of peanut butter?"

Ralph: "Yes, it is the crunchy kind and I can prove it to you. When this jar hits your head, you will hear a crunch."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is looking for Ralph in the cellar.)

Ed: "Janitor? Whoa, janitor."

Ralph: "For the last time, don't call me janitor. I am a maintenance engineer."

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "As time wore on, I grew older. I matured."

Ralph: "Yeah, now you are a full-grown nut."

"The $99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What is your wife's name?"

Ralph: "Mrs. Kramden."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "Robert Taylor eats that food."

Ralph: "That food is garbage."

Alice: "Yeah, well Robert is my idea of a gorgeous garbage can."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "Look at the stomach on you."

Ralph: "That is not my stomach."

Alice: "Then what is it?"

Ralph: "It happens to be a very low chest."

"The Honeyoon Is Over":

(Alice soon starts crying about how she misses Ralph. Ed hugs Alice.)

Alice: "I'm so miserable."

Ed: "You have always been."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

Ralph: "Don't you know an assgot when you see one?"

Ed: "You certainly are."

"Jellybeans":

Ed: "I was in a contest once. You had to name all the states. I got gyped out of the first prize. I named 66 states, the winner only named 48."

Ralph: "You are a mental case."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ed: "Have I seen you once?"

Jean Kean (as herself): "I don't believe so."

Ed: "Did you ever work in the sewer?"

"Petticoat Jungle":

Ed: "What is this?"

Ralph: "That is a medicine ball."

Ed: "You must have to drink a whole lot of water to swallow something like this."

"Petticoat Jungle":

(The salesman shows the Kramdens and Nortons a very small box.)

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that there is one bathing suit in there?"

Man: "One? There are six of them in here."

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "This is not a crazy costume. This is what all of us cats wear. I got it. I got it. I'm hip! Ready to go! I'm gone! Gone!"

Alice: "You are gone all right."

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "Why do you have to be so icky?"

Ralph: "Icky?"

Alice: "You are a termite Ralph. Strickly out of the woods."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This is the biggest thing I ever got into."

Alice: "That would be your pants."

"A Promotion Part 1":

(Ralph runs home out of breath.)

Ralph: "Everything is fine."

Alice: "Ralph did you run up the stairs? You know that you are not supposed to do that. It's not good for you and it's not good for the stairs either."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "I have been driving with the Gotham Bus Comapny for 12 years."

Bud Collyer: "Well, they do say that travel broadens one."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Bud Collyer: "Have you lived in Brooklyn all your life?"

Ralph: "Not yet."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "Another tail may be haning from this Raccoon cap. Then another and another. Pretty soon, I can become a thirteen-tail man. Do you know what that is like Alice, to be a thirteen-tail man?"

Alice: "It must be pretty special since a monkey only has one."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE NOT GOING!"

Alice (yells): "I AM GOING!"

Ralph: "The only place that you are going to is the moon."

"Move Uptown":

Mrs. Winters: "Do you and your wife have any wild parties?"

Ralph: "No."

Ed: "He hasn't even taken his wife out in the last five years."

"We Spy":

Ralph: "In a foreign country, you got to live like a native."

Alice: "In Brooklyn, I live like a native."

"We Spy":

Interrorgator: "What were you two doing in the Russian firing range?"

Ed: "I don't have to tell you anything. Because of the Geneva conventions, all I have to do is tell you my name, address & social security number."

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (to Ralph): "How now brown bovine."

Alice: "That is a new word he just learned."

Ralph: "Now, he knows three of them."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "You are to address me in a civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"The Adoption" & "Expectant Dad":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. Nothing wrong with that. They used to call us 'Big' Ralph & 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What do you do for a living?"

Ralph: "I brive a dus."

Herb: "You brive a dus?"

Ralph: "A dus I brive."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

Ralph: "14 years, I fractured myself just to take care of her. Now, I just saw Alice coming out of an Italian restaurant with another guy. That's loyalty for you."

Ed: "The least she could have done was take a bus."

"Hello Mom":

Ralph: "There was plenty of girls that were crazy about me and you know it. When I went to the beach, the used to scatter all around me."

Alice: "Sure they did that. That doesn't mean that they were crazy about you. They just wanted to sit in the shade."

Ed: "Ha ha ha."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "SHUT UP!"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Trixie: "Maybe the radiator needs some water."

Ralph: "Well now that is very clever and just which one of the Pep Boys are you, Manny, Moe or Jack?" (yells): "IF I HAD ANYT WATER, I WOULD PUT IT IN THERE."

Trixie: "Ralph, I was only thinking..."

Ralph (yells): "WELL, DON'T THINK. JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT."

Ed: "Just a minute. You seem to forget that she's my wife and I don't like you yelling at her that way." (to Trixie, yells): "NOW STOP THINKING AND SHUT UP."

"A Dog's Life":

Alice: "I'm beginning to think that these Emergency Raccoon Meetings are nothing but a poker game."

Ed: "Alice, I'm surprised to even hear you say that. An Emergency Meeting is an Emergency Meeting. Not a poker game. An Executive Meeting, that's a poker game."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "Let's face it Alice. You are living off the fat of the land."

Alice: "Let's face it Ralph. You ARE the fat of the land."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(It's Alice's birthday and Ralph has forgotten it.)

Alice: "Ralph, you do remember what today is?"

Ralph: "Sure, it's my pool night."

Alice's Mom: "See? He's good for nothing."

Ralph: "How do you know? You never saw me shoot pool."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Maybe your sisters have it better than we have. But, I have more expenses. I got more expenses than all of them put together."

Alice: "Sure Ralph, they don't get suits for their husbands from The Fat Man's Shop."

"This Is Your Life Part One":

(Ralph is trying to catch people in the poolroom in hoping of finding who's seeing Alice. He already interviewed one person.)

Ralph: "Hey you."

Fat Man: "You talking to me?"

Ralph: "Never mind."

Ed: "Well, that's three down."

Ralph: "Three down?"

Ed: "He counts for two, doesn't he?"

"Nephew of The Bride":

(Ralph found out that Alice's Aunt Ethel and Herman are moving in since Herman lives at the YMCA. He picks up his hat and puts it on.)

Alice: "Where are you going?"

Ralph: "To the YMCA."

"Hello Mom":

Alice: "My mother is coming and you are going to be nice to her."

Ralph: "I'm going to be nice to her. That's impossible. We don't get along. We're enemies. Natural enemies like a boa constrictor and a mongoose."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Alice: "You mean that you are going to call your boss at 11:30 Friday night?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Alice: "Ralph, that's crazy. He might be fast asleep."

Ralph: "That's his tough luck."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph is trying to butter Alice up so he can get the money from her so he could go on the Racoon Convention.)

Ralph: "That was a nice dinner that you made me."

Alice: "You liked the cold cuts."

(A slight pause.)

Ralph: "My, isn't she lovely."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm going to take a bath."

Aunt Ethel: "Would you mind if I brushed my teeth first?"

Ralph: "Give them to me and I'll do them for you."

"Goodnight Sweet Prince":

Alice: "Ed, don't you have to go to work?"

Ed: "There not too concerned about punctuality down in the sewer Alice. As a matter of fact, they think that they are lucky if we show up at all."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell Ed how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "Well, I was driving my bus. He was ready to cross the street by a traffic light and I stopped for at that traffic light because of the red light."

(Ralph looks around.)

Ralph: "Well, if I gone through the light, I may have hit him."

Ed: "You didn't save him. You saved your bus."

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "Trixie & Ed had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"A Matter of Record":

Tommy: "How about it Mr. Kramden? Do you think you can cover first base?"

Ed: "My boy, you are looking at a man that can cover the infield, outfield and all four corners of the bleachers."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Nobody is 100% Alice."

Alice: "You are. You have been wrong every time."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "How long do you think it would take one man if he sold all of these (Handy Housewife Helpers) if we went from door-to-door?"

Alice: "About one minute if this was the first door he knocked on."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

(Alice laughs at Ralph's "Death letter.")

Alice: "This is a riot."

Ralph: "This is a riot. We will see how much of a riot it is when you have to finish the payments on the ice box."

"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "I am going to count to 10 and when I do, I am going to belt you."

Ed: "I am not scared of you. If you could count to 10, you wouldn't be investigated by the IRS."

Ralph (yells): "OUT!"

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "Loans are a bank's lifeblood."

Ralph: "Good because we are in desperate need of a transfusion."

"Mexican Hat Trick":
Ralph: "Well Norton, do I look like a gay Cabrello?"

Ed: "Let me see you walk."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Trixie was down here and she said that she saw you on the show."

Ralph: "She was? Well, what did she say?"

Alice: "Well, she said that she was the biggest thing on TV."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I know New York from top to bottom."

Ed: "I have been working in the sewer for years. I know New York from bottom to top."

“Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I'll get the $300 Alice. I'll get it if I have to sell everything in this house."

Alice: "Fine. But, what are you going to do about the other $280?"

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph is looking for a paper with his social security # on it.)

Ralph: "I think I found it. Here it is: 56-68-73."

Alice: "Those are the measurements for that new suit you bought."

Friday's Quotes & Honeymooners TV Schedule (7/25-8/5):

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:

(Note: The Honeymooners is not available in HD. So WPIX puts a black picture frame around the show on it's HD feed.)

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

All times are Eastern.

Mon. July 25, 2011 1a #027 (aka #118) - “Ralph’s Big Mouth” (aka "Head of The House"): In the hilarious "Head of the House" (originally telecast March 31, 1956), Ralph marks his "emancipation" as king of his castle by sitting down with Norton to finish a bottle of wine that is "a little strong but good." Their first toast, Ralph says, is "to my wife, who has finally found her place." Actually, what Alice found was a bottle of grape juice, which she substituted for the wine. When the men get plastered and pass out, Trixie and Alice pour their own drinks and make their own toasts. "I give you our husbands," says Trixie. "You can have 'em," says Alice. The wine-and-grape-juice scene, Art Carney recalled, was one of his favorites. "We really were laughing at each other...because we were supposed to be laughing...crocked and everything. Funny scene."


1:30a #035 (aka #124) - "Unconventional Behavior": Ralph and Norton become joined at the wrists when Norton tries out his "trick handcuffs" in "Unconventional Behavior," which originally aired May 12, 1956. Aboard a train en route to the lodge's convention in Minneapolis, the guys look forward to "five days of hilarity" and try out some of the novelty items that Norton's brought along. But when Norton's handcuffs won't unlock (there is no key), he and Ralph become closer than they'd like. This scenario yields some memorable physical humor, including Norton trying to take his coat off and the guys trying to figure out some way to sleep in upper and lower berths. It also provides one of the series' all-time lines. "Mind if I smoke?" Norton asks a frustrated Ralph. "I don't care if you burn," Ralph fires back.

Mon. Aug. 1, 2011 1a & 1:30a **"No Episode Title": Ralph schemes to improve his lot in life.

(MeTV) (Available on digital sub-channels such as WCIUDT3 in Chicago and WWME-CA in Chicago.)

All times are Eastern.

All episodes might be in CC.

Mon. July 25, 2011 10:30p #81 (aka #56) – “Stand-In For Murder ('54 version) (Part One)”: A gangster finds out he is about to be killed by a rival gang. His men discover that Ralph is an amazing look-alike for their boss, and decided to use poor Ralph as a stand-in for murder. FUN FACT -This is the second time in the series Jackie Gleason played a dual role.

Tue. July 26, 2011 10:30p #82 – “Stand-In For Murder ('54 version) (Part Two)”: Ralph thinks he's gotten the break of his life when he gets a new high-paying position and he and Alice move into a luxury apartment. Meanwhile, the rival gang tries to kill Ralph. FUN FACT -This episode ran overtime and was never completed.

Wed. July 27, 2011 10:30p #84 (aka #55) - *“The Next Champ”: Ralph becomes the manager of a boxer he believes will be the world's next=2 0heavyweight champion.

Thu. July 28, 2011 10:30p #85 (aka #23/#46) – “‘Anniversary Gift’/‘Finger Man’”: (For “Anniversary Gift”): Ralph is embarrassed when the anniversary gift he bought Alice is the same one Trixie bought for her. (For “Finger Man”): Ralph heroically catches a murderer on his bus, but fears for his life when the murderer escapes from jail and vows to "get the man who put the finger on him."

Fri. July 29, 2011 10:30p #86 (aka #36/#19) – “‘The Prowler’/‘Glow Worm Cleaning Powder’”: (For “The Prowler”): In the middle of the night the police warn the Kramdens that there is a prowler loose in the building. (For “Glow Worm Cleaning Powder”): Alice is chosen to be next month's "Glow Worm Girl" but Ralph won't let her do it.

Mon. Aug. 1, 2011 10:30p #87 (aka #77) – “The Hypnotist (Part One)”: Ralph and Norton see a demonstration by "The World's Greatest Hypnotist." When Alice won't give Ralph money for a convention trip, he decides that hypnotism might work on her.

Tue. Aug. 2, 2011 10:30p #88 – “The Hypnotist (Part Two)”: Alice finds out about Ralph's plans to hypnotize her and decides to teach Ralph a lesson.

Wed. Aug. 3, 2011 10:30p #89 (aka #29/#132) – “‘Hot Tip’/‘Checkup’”: (For “Hot Tip”): Ralph places some bets at the racetrack for some neighbors, and gets nervous when Norton warns him that the police think he's a bookie. (For “Checkup”): Ralph schemes to fail a medical exam when h e thinks the doctor is from his insurance company.

Thu. Aug. 4, 2011 10:30p #90 (aka #62) – “Two Men on a Horse (Part One)”: When Ralph loses a large sum of money he was to deposit for the Raccoon Lodge, he and Norton think of ways to make the money back in one day.

Fri. Aug. 5, 2011 10:30p #91 – “Two Men on a Horse (Part Two)”: Ralph and Norton get a hot tip on a horse and go to the track to place their bet. When the odds on their horse go down, Ralph and Norton scheme to sway the odds in their favor.

*: This episode has been HEAVILY edited.

**: This episode MIGHT be HEAVILY edited.

Credit goes to zap2it.com, the honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & John K's Book To The Moon.

"Oh My Aching Back":

Ralph (yelling in pain): "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA!"

(Alice comes out.)

Alice: "What was that?"

Ralph: "I was just yawning."

Alice: "Yawning? It sounded like feeding time at the zoo."

"The Golfer":

(Ralph picks up the cotton ball.)

Ralph (yells): "OW! IT HAS PINS IN IT."

Ed: "What did you expect. chicken noddles?"

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "I got news for you Alice. Your husband is crazy."

Alice: "Okay. So what's the big news?"

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "We will sell hamburgers, hot dogs, flapjacks, pizza pies..."

Ed: "And we will widen the front door."

Ralph: "Why would we do that?"

Ed: "With all that food, how are you going to get in and out?"

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ed: "Are you sick?"

Ralph: "Yeah, I'm sick."

(Ralph winks to say to Ed that he isn't. Ed doesn't buy it.)

Ed: "You ain't kidding. You even got a twitch in your eye."

"Sees All, Knows All":

Ralph: "I'm not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"To Whomever It May Concern":

Alice: "We will just have to live on our expenses."

Ralph: "Swell! That will take care of tonight. But, what are we going to do in the morning?"

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ed: "Here's a good theme for the dance. How about the Vikings Discovering America?"

Ralph: "You want to do that theme in the Sons of Italy Hall?"

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "What is the first thing that a person has to do if he wants to sell something?"

Ed: "Well, first they look your name (Ralph's) in the phonebook and then they try to sell it to you."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I would like to have my coffee with one lump."

(Ed rings bell.)

Thelma: "You keep ringing that bell like that and you will get one lump."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Trixie: "On the bus there are two empty seats and who sits in those seats?"

Alice: "Ralph."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Mr. Faversham says I have something that stretches from the theater and goes out into the audience."

Alice (patting Ralph's stomach): "You certainly do."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Ed & Ralph are doing a crossword puzzle.)

Ed: "Sofa." (writing): "S-o-f..." (not writing): "What is that an A or an E?"

Ralph: "It's A or E."

Ed (writing): "A or E."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Ralph is eating two celery sticks.)

Alice: "How do you like your dinner Ralph?"

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that was my dinner." (holding up the knife and fork): "What are these for, to commit suicidue with?"

"Peacemaker":

Alice: "Ed is gone."

Ralph: "I know that he is. I knew that the first day I met him."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(It's Ed's birthday and Ralph wants to get off cheaply.)

Alice: "Ed took you to the Kit Kat Klub on your birthday."

Ralph: 'Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested the Copa Cabana."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ed: "Take it from the top Norton."

(Ed is sitting on the piano.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Ed (yells): "YOU TOLD ME TO TAKE IT FROM THE TOP."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Alice is dresssed up as a young lady.)

Alice: "Who is going to look at me Ralph. I'm an old woman."

Ralph: "Who would look at an old woman? An old man."

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "Ed, you didn't get the job of sewer inspector."

Ed: "No, I washed out."

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that is strong enough to do that."

"Young At Heart":

(Ralph has just said that he has a lot of memories that is attached to his cornette.)

Ralph: "What is a sock doing in my cornette?"

Alice: "It must be one of those tender memories that is attached to it."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "Face it Alice. You are living off the fat of the land."

Alice: "Face it Ralph. You ARE the fat of the land."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "I have an itch."

Alice: "Scratch it yourself."

Ralph: "I can't reach it."

Alice: "Well, you are Taurus the Bull. Swipe at it with your tail."

"Double Trouble":

Alice: "There are two Ralphs."

Ed: "You mean that all the weight Ralph lost last year made another Ralph?"

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "I'm a failure."

Ed: "I could have told you that ten years ago."

"Checkup":

Ed: "Has there been anything you wanted to look inside that didn't belong to you?"

Ralph: "Yes. Your head."

"You're In The Picture":

Ed: "Did you really cut yourself shaving?"

Ralph: "Of course not."

Ed: "Oh, you dog you. You have been eating pizza again."

"Catch A Star":

Alice: "Ralph, if you think that you are going to get Jackie Gleason to come to this dance of yours, you are out of your mind."

Ralph: "There she (Alice) is: Happy Mildred!"

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "One of these days, you are going to push me too far."

Alice's Mom: "The only thing that could push you is a bulldozer."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

(Ralph is at the psychiatrist's office.)

Doctor (to Ralph): "You are going to like this. This is fun. This is an aptitude test."

Ed: "Can three people play?"

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Nobody is 100% Alice."

Alice: "You are. You have been wrong every time."

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "You're not stopping me. I am loaded with ideas."

Alice: "Anybody who hears those ideas will sure think that you are loaded."

"Battle of The Sexes":

(Ed & Ralph have been having Franks and beans for three days.)

Ralph: "I would like to have a decent meal too."

Ed: "Yeah, I see that you are wasting away to a blimp."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Trixie was down here and she said that she saw you on the show."

Ralph: "She was? Well, what did she say?"

Alice: "Well, she said that you were the biggest thing on TV."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The boys come home.)

Ralph: "Shh! Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What?"

Ralph: "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shh! Alice is asleep.'"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "This furniture is good for me."

Alice: "Sure it is. But, just because you are a Raccoon doens't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

(Jerry's Lunchroom has very few patrons in it.)

Ed: "After all, it was me who got all of my fellow sewerworkers coming to this place."

Jerry: "Yeah, and look what it did to my business."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "He's (Ed's) my guest and I'm your employer."

Thelma: "Some guest and some employer. The SIMP and the BLIMP."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph brings some of Kram-Mar's Delicious Mystery Appetizer [aka dog food] to Mr. Marshall in a lunchbox.)

Ralph: "I have got in here something that is worth a million dollars."

Mr. Marshall: "Then you must have had a good day on the bus."

"$99,000 Answer":

Ralph: "$600! Peanuts, peanuts. What am I going to do with peanuts?"

Alice: "Eat 'em like any other elephant."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you realize that at the annual clambake I have the honor of opening the first clam? And as we take our cruise up the Hudson River I get to go up to the bridge and steer - as we pass Raccoon Point."

Alice: "Well golly gee!"

"Boys and Girls Together":

Alice: "If you go out one night and it's not your night out with Norton and you don't take me with you, when you get home, I won't be here."

(Alice goes into the bedroom. Ralph walks over to the doorway to the
bedroom.)

Ralph: "Har-har-hardy-har-har!"

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ralph & Alice are at the pool hall.)

Ralph: "This is how you chalk up your cue."

Alice: "Well, that is the stupidest thing I ever heard of."

Ralph: "YOU are the stupidest thing I ever heard of."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(It's Alice's birthday and Ralph has forgotten it.)

Alice: "Ralph, you do remember what today is?"

Ralph: "Sure, it's my pool night."

Alice's Mom: "See? He's good for nothing."

Ralph: "How do you know? You never saw me shoot pool."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "I was born under the sign of Pieces, the fish."

Ralph: "You were born under the sign of Pistachio, the nut."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "I got news for you Alice. Your husband is crazy."

Alice: "Okay. So what's the big news?"

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy that Ed put down.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR? YOU GOT RID OF THE HIC-OFFS, DIDN'T YOU?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Norton Moves In":

Ralph: "They are going upstairs."

Alice: "They are staying here."

Ralph (yells): "THEY ARE GOING UPSTAIRS."

Alice: "They are going upstairs over my dead body."

Ralph: "Don't tempt me."

"Pal O' Mine":

Trixie: "Ed said for all the sewerworkers to come formal to the party."

Alice: "Formal?"

Trixie: "White ties and black boots."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "How could I get there as fast as you Alice?"

Ed: "Take off 90 pounds."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "You don't know how to handle money."

Alice: "Of course not. I never had any practice."

"Hot Tip":

(Ed comes in with a loud jacket.)

Ralph: "Where did you get that jacket?"

Ed: "That is what they are wearing at the track."

Ralph: "Yeah, the horses. Not the people."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ed: "How long is the lease for?"

Ralph: "The usual."

Ed: "What is the usual?"

Ralph: "99 years."

"Play It Again, Norton":

(Ralph & Ed went to see Mr. Worthington Kenmore. Ed disguised himself to look 18. Later on, Washington Kenmore visited the Kramdens.)

Trixie: "I'm Treeny's high school sweetheart."

Worthington Kenmore (looking at her): "You're kidding."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Alice: "You got fingers in your gloves. Fix the silverware."

Ralph: "How would you like some fingers in your nose?"

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Ralph Kramden."

Ed: "I am as close as anybody can get to him."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ed puts a beauty mark on Ralph's left cheek after the makeup put some makeup on Ralph's eyes and lipstick.)

Ralph: "What did you just do?"

Ed: "I put a beauty mark on your left cheek."

Ralph: "Why did you do that?"

Ed: "Without it, you look exactly like Barbara Streisand."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Alice is dressed up as a hula girl. Trixie is dressed up as a sailor. They are rehearsing for a talent contest. Ralph comes in.)

Ralph: "What are you doing and who is he?"

Alice: "That's Trixie."

Ralph (to Trixie): "All right. What are you doing and who is she (Alice)?"

"Principle of The Thing" & "Hot Dog Stand":

Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute neccessity?"

Ralph: "I do. You can't bowl without one."

"People's Choice" (Color):

(Ed brakes a paper bag behind Ralph's back. Ralph thought that he was shot.)

Alice: "What was that noise?"

Ralph: "Babyhead (Ed) had to break a paper bag."

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

(Ralph lost the $200 that the lodge had collected.)

Ralph: "All I could scrape together was $6."

Ed: "Why don't you hock Alice's engagement ring?"

Ralph: "Where do you think I got the $6?"

"This Is Your Life Part 2":

Phil Cucco: "Too bad there aren't enough Alices to go around."

Ralph: "This one gets around pretty good."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ralph: "I want you to know Alice that it was pretty lonely here without you."

Trixie: "Oh Ed, why don't you talk to me like that?"

Ed: "I would be happy to if you only go away once and a while."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(The boys are playing poker.)

Ralph: "Why are you raising everybody if you are going out for?"

Ed: "I was trying to bluff you out of the pot."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "For you information, I happen to be four pounds underweight. It says so in the chart."

Alice: "You must have been looking at a chart for a hippopotamus."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Hey Ralph!"

Ralph: "What?"

Ed: "Mind if I smoke?"

Ralph: "I don't care if you burn."

"The Deciding Vote":

(Ralph and Ed are looking at a vaccum.)

Ed: "I can say that by listening to that motor there that the amateor sprocket is causing interference which in turn causes the combustion line to interfere with the flow in the dynaflow."

Ralph: "Now what does that mean?"

Ed: "I don't know."

"The Deciding Vote":

(Ralph has his hands near the sink. Water isn't coming out after Ralph turned one of the knobs.)

Alice: "Somebody upstairs must be using water. You know the water runs bad in this building."

Ralph: "Well, that's just fine."

Alice: "Would you have some paitience Ralph? The water will be on in a minute."

Ralph: "Okay, Alice I will be patient. I will put my hands under the faucet here and wait for the wtaer. It might take hours. It might take days. But I will be here very patiently for the water..."

(Hot water along with steam comes out and the hot water hits Ralph's fingers.)

Ralph (yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph thinks that Alice is cheating on him.)

Ed: "I will follow Alice like a regular hawk. I will follow her to the ends of the earth."

(Ed hums the "Dragnet" theme as he leaves. He soon comes back.)

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I lost her on the stairs."

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Alice: "You and Norton will have to sleep out in the kitchen."

Ralph: "Just a moment. Whenever you mother or your Aunt Ethel comes, I have to sleep in the kitchen. It's a good thing that we don't have a cat because if he ever wanted to sleep in the kitchen, I would have to sleep in a box out in the hall."

"Six Months To Live":

Ralph: "That does it Norton. In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Don't get so upset. Doctos can be wrong to you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy, did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

George: "Gee fellas, we were already to play. Me and Harvey just went to get a cold drink."

Ralph: "Well, I hope it was pretty cold and I hope it was milk."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Mr. Mosby: "I am going to do for you what I did for my mom when she wanted a cottage."

Ed: "You are going to buy one for us?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ed: "The door is busted."

Alice: "Ed, don't be ridiculous. This is a dutch door."

Ed: "Boy those dutch people must be very short."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"Without Reservations":

(Ralph and Ed are in the run-down hotel.)

Ralph: "Would you stop with the wisecracks Norton? When the girls get here I wanna make a good impression!"

Ed: "If you wanna make a good impression, keep the door shut!"

"Box Top Kid Part One":

Trixie: "Ed believes that before you go to Europe, you should see a bit of America first. So we made a list. So far this year, we have scratched off Bayoone, Yonkers & Scranton."

Alice: "What are you going to scratch off this year?"

Trixie: "I would like to scratch off Norton."

"The Golfer":

Ralph: "I deserve that promotion, Norton - I worked hard to get it! Just because Mr. Harper doesn't know I'm alive I'm not going to get the promotion, huh? Well, it's the same ol' story: its not what you know, its who you know! If you don't have any connections you're dead. You can be the smartest guy in the world, know everything about everything, know the encyclopedia backwards and forwards. But, If you don't have any connections you get nowhere."

Ed: "Now wait a minute, I don't think that applies to every case. I didn't have any connections when I got my job in the sewer."

"Love Letter":

(Ralph and Mrs. Paterson think that Ed loves Alice but the feeling isn't matual.)

Mrs. Paterson: "Why don't you give your wife the benefit of a doubt?"

Ralph: "All right, maybe they don't love each other but if they do, they are going to have a lot of fun on the moon."

"Operation: Protest":

(Cliff just cost Ralph his job. Ralph confronts Cliff.)

Cliff (showing the peace symbol with his hand): "Peace!"

Ralph (grabbing the other finger): "Alice, grab the other finger and make a wish."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Doctors can be wrong too you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy, did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."

"The Safety Award":

(Alice & Trixie have the same dress on.)

Ralph: "Don't those dresses look alike?"

Ed: "Alike? They are like the Bobbsie Twins."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "I am the General. What I say goes."

Alice: "Then you better say Alice because I am going."

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Ralph comes home to a candlelit dinner.)

Alice: "Hello Ralph!"

Ralph: "So you forgot to pay the electric bill, huh?"

"Hero Part 1":

Mrs Halloway: "'He also says that if anybody says anything bad about you, he is willing to fight them."

Ed: "That kid is going to have a lot of fighting to do."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ed: "Who are they going to give your suit too?"

Ralph: "Some poor unfortunate that is broken down."

Ed: "That is right. Someone who can't afford to dress as well as we do."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "Happy is the worst horse. I saw them take the bandages off the horse."

Ed: "Yeah, Happy had a bad headache."

"Two For The Money":

Man: "If he had bandages on his legs, why didn't he stretch them?"

Ed: "Happy didn't have to do that. They put Olive Oil on his legs before they put the bandages on."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Ralph: "Since we are going to be living here, I may need to get my wife some new clothes."

Bruno: "Don't worry about it. All she will need is a black dress."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Trixie was down here and she said that she saw you on the show."

Ralph: "She was? Well, what did she say?"

Alice: "Well, she said that she was the biggest thing on TV."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Mr. Faversham says that I have something that is on stage and stretches out into the audience."

Alice (patting Ralph's stomach): "You certainly have."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

(Ed puts his cigarette in Alice's sink that is full of balloons.)

Ralph: "What kind of mind must a man have to put a lit cigarette in a sink loaded with balloons?"

Ed: "What kind of mind must you have to have a sink full of balloons?"

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Be kind to the people you meet on the way up because you are going to meet the same type of people on the way down."

Ed: "How true. ’Be kind to the people you meet on the way up because you are going to meet the same type of people on the way down.' Happens to me every day in the sewer."

"Vacation at Fred's Landing":

(Ralph picks out a small fish that he claimed that he had a big tug-of-war with.)

Alice: "This is the fish you had the tug-of-war with?"

Ralph: "He lost a lot of weight during the fight."

"Stand-In for Murder Part 1":

Ralph: "Help yourself to the food."

(Ralph puts food that Alice cooked on his plate. Ed puts a lot more on his plate.)

Ed: "I don't want to eat too much. I just had supper."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"We Spy":

(Ralph & Ed greet the girls wearing Russian uniforms. They try telling the girls the story about them being mistakes for spies in Russia.)

Ralph: "Honestly I am telling the truth. Where do you think we got these clothes from?"

Alice (reading the label on Ralph's uniform): "'The Fat Man's Shop.'"

"You're In the Picture":

Trixie: "You know, you can buy anything in here that is made out of straw."

Ed: "Good. I will buy you a broom."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph picks up a burnt jacket.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that is my idea of a burn."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Butler: "Mr. Marshall will be here shortly. He is in the library."

Ed: "The library?"

(Ed looks at watch.)

Ed: "He ought to be here soon. The library closes at 9."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE NOT GOING!"

Alice (yells): "I AM GOING!"

Ralph: "The only place that you are going to is the moon."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are in the automat across the street from the Cornelius Vanderbilt Statue.)

Ralph (reading the clues): "'Cornelius will be watching you...'"

Ed: "Wait a minute."

(Ed walks away, goes through the revolving door, and then he comes back.)

Ralph: "Now, what did you just do?"

Ed: "Okay, Corny is watching us."

"King Of The Castle":

Alice: "I thought you were leaving forever."

Ralph: "I wouldn't give you the satisfaction."

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Alice: "You and Norton will have to sleep out in the kitchen."

Ralph: "Just a moment. Whenever you mother or your Aunt Ethel comes, I have to sleep in the kitchen. It's a good thing that we don't have a cat because if he ever wanted to sleep in the kitchen, I would have to sleep in a box out in the hall."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "At least my relatives don't come by unexpected."

Alice: "No, they come as steady as clockwork. Three times a week."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "This picture must be 15 years old."

Ralph: "Yeah. I seem to remember that dress."

Alice: "You should. I wore it yesterday."

"Confusion, Italian Style":

(Ralph is thinking that Alice is seeing a boy named Harry Vederchi because he heard her on the phone talking to him and he thinks that is his name when she said 'Arribaderchi.' Ralph tells her what is wrong with him. What does he say?)

Ralph: "All right. Harry Vederchi."

Alice: "All right, good-bye."

"Norton Moves In" (Color):

Ralph: "They are going upstairs."

Alice: "They are staying here."

Ralph (yells): "THEY ARE GOING UPSTAIRS."

Alice: "They are going upstairs over my dead body."

Ralph: "Don't tempt me."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph tries to get Art Carney's autograph for Alice.)

Art: "What's the name?"

Ralph: "My name is Ralph Kramden, but she knows that."

"Stand-In For Murder Part 1":

(Alice is mixing plaster in a bowl. She tunrs on the radio and "In The Mood" plays. Ed Norton comes in and dances to the music with the bowl in his hands. Alice is amused.)

Alice: "Stop that Ed. You are getting plaster all over the floor."

(Alice turns off the radio.)

Ed: "I got an idea. Why don't the four of us all go out dancing one night."

Alice: "Ralph hates dancing."

Ed: "Forget about him. Just bring the bowl."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "Wait a minute. I think I know why this dresser is so heavy. The drawers are probably loaded with junk. Why don't we take them out?"

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes out the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 2":

(Aunt Ethel and Fred are alone in the kitchen. A record is being played.)

(Ed comes in.)

Ed: "Howdy folks. I heard the phonograph playing. I thought you would like some of my records better. Here is a good one."

(Ed puts it on.)

(Loud big band music plays. Ed dances to it.)

(Ralph comes out and takes Ed's record off.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed is hypnotized. He sees Ralph.)

Ed: "Look out. There's a whale in the sewer. It's Moby Dick."

Ralph: "If he wasn't under a spell, I would fracture his skull."

"Manager of The Baseball Team":

Trixie: "Ralph has a good head on his shoulders."

Ed: "What is this on my shoulders, a volleyball?"

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that's very encouraging that you sold to your last costumer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you found the right thing to say. Did you remember what you said to that last costumer?"

Ed: "Sure I do. I said: 'Mama, you just got to buy this iron.'"

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed looks at the toaster.)

Ed: "The radiostat conductor is not making proper contact with the electrocoil."

Alice: "What does that mean?"

Ed: "There's a screw loose."

"The Safety Award":

Ralph: "A group of men are picked to do a job, trained in the same fashion as each other, and there's always one man in the group that stands out far in front of the others."

Ed: "If you stood out any more in front you wouldn't be able to get behind the wheel of a bus!"

"Songs & Witty Sayings Part 1":

Ralph & Ed (sing loudly): "WELL, STROLLING THROUGH THE PARK ONE DAY, IN THE MERRY, MERRY, MONTH OF MAY, I WAS TAKEN BY SURPRISE BY A PAIR OF ROUGHISH EYES..."

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "WILL YOU TWO KEEP IT QUIET DOWN THERE? I AM TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP."

Ralph: "That's that wise guy Garrity."

(Ralph goes to the window and opens it.)

Ralph (yells): "AREN'T YOU HOME EARLY GARRITY? WHAT HAPPENED, DID THE SALOON BURN DOWN?"

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Alice: "You mean that you are going to call your boss at 11:30 Friday night?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Alice: "Ralph, that's crazy. He might be fast asleep."

Ralph: "That's his tough luck."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "I'm the one in the family who's got it up here."

(Ralph points to his brain.)

Ed: "You got plenty of it down there too."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(Ralph & Ed are in the really broken down cottage.)

Ralph: "$998, we have been robbed. What are we going to tell the girls? They will kill us. They will kill us after they saw the place in the showroom. What are we going to do?"

Ed: "If it was April 1st, we can jump up from behind them and yell: 'April Fool!'"

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in the really broken-down hotel.)

Ralph (to Ed): "You keep it up and you won't even be a bellhop. You'll be a..."

Alice: "Why don't you make him a guest? Nothing can be worse than that."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "I'm going to squeeze Mr. Marshall. He's in no position to squeeze me."

Alice: "Of course not. He couldn't even get his arms around you."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "There isn't anything in this world that's going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow and talking to Ed's boss."

Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you could fit through."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Alice: "You got fingers in your gloves. Fix the silverware."

Ralph: "How would you like some fingers in your nose?"

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Ralph Kramden."

Ed: "I am as close as anybody can get to him."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph: "When did you ever catch anything?"

Alice: "15 years ago. I caught 300 lbs. of blubber."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Alice, come on out. Dynamite is here."

(Alice slams the bedroom door.)

Ralph: "I guess that she is still asleep."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "When we get to Fred's Landing, I won't even introduce you to Fred."

Alice: "Oooooh, from this blow I may never recover."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "What could a guy want that is down in the sewer that he needs two bucks right away?"

Ed: "You see, today is pay day and the guys got a couple of dice in the sewer, well you might call it a floating crap game."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "When I win that $100, I am going to get myself some bowling shoes, a leather lumber jacket, and you are going to get a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ed puts a beauty mark on Ralph's left cheek after the makeup put some makeup on Ralph's eyes and lipstick.)

Ralph: "What did you just do?"

Ed: "I put a beauty mark on your left cheek."

Ralph: "Why did you do that?"

Ed: "Without it, you look exactly like Barbara Streisand."

"Life upon the Wicked Stage":

(Alice is dressed up as a hula girl. Trixie is dressed up as a sailor. They are rehearsing for a talent contest. Ralph comes in.)

Ralph: "What are you doing and who is he?"

Alice: "That's Trixie."

Ralph (to Trixie): "All right. What are you doing and who is she (Alice)?"

"TV or Not TV":

(Ralph is trying to tell Alice that he has more money in is wallet than Ed.)

Ralph: "I have it here."

(Ralph points to his hip pocket.)

Alice: "You have it here..." (Points to her left hip.) "...you have it here..." (Points to her right hip.) "...and you have it here." (Points to her stomach.)

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "What is the first thing that a person has to do if he wants to sell something?"

Ed: "Well, first they look your name (Ralph's) in the phonebook and then they try to sell it to you."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "I'm going to get his job back for him Alice. Tomorrow, I am going to go down that sewer tomorrow and speak to Ed's boss. there isn't anything in this world that is going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow."

Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you can fit through."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "What kind of life do you think that I lead in this city driving a bus all day? What do I hear? Taxi horns, police whistles, fire engines, breaks schreeching and people hollering. When I finish my work and come home what do I hear? Babies crying, garbage cans-a-rattlin', peddles-a-yellin'. I ask you. What do I have to do to get a little peace and quiet?"

Alice: "Why don't you shut up?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ralph: "The person who lent me this place was an ex-GI."

Alice: "Who was he, Benedict Arnold?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"Sees All, Knows All":

Ralph: "Norton, I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Lawsuit" (Color):

(Ralph is trying to stand on his bad leg while Ed is cracking walnuts.)

Ralph (yells): "I BROKE IT ALICE! I BROKE IT!"

Alice: "That was Ed cracking walnuts."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "YOU ARE A MENTAL CASE."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "The theater has been in me all my life."

Alice: "Yeah, I knew that that wasn't your stomach. It was the balcony."

"We're Off To See The Wizard":

(The girls are upset that the boys paid Emma and Clarance $200. Emma & Clarance fooled the boys ino thinking that there was buried treasure and sold them the map that guided them to the place where the "treasure" was for $200.)

Alice: "You two have cost us $200."

Ed: "$208. We paid Clarance $8 to borrow the shovel from him."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Alice, come on out. Dynamite is here."

(Alice slams the bedroom door.)

Ralph: "I guess that she is still asleep."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ed: "Suppose they don't give me the promotion?"

Ralph: "Then you scare them. Tell them that after 17 years in the sewer, you are finally washing your hands of the whole thing."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "When I win that $100, I am going to get myself some bowling shoes, a leather lumber jacket, and you are going to get a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 2":

(Aunt Ethel and Fred are alone in the kitchen. A record is being played.)

(Ed comes in.)

Ed: "Howdy folks. I heard the phonograph playing. I thought you would like some of my records better. Here is a good one."

(Ed puts it on.)

(Loud big band music plays. Ed dances to it.)

(Ralph comes out and takes Ed's record off.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!"

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(One of Ralph's failed inventions that was revealed in this episode was Glow in the Dark shoeshine polish.)

Ed: "Mr. Mitchell, would you like to try shoeshine polish that glows in the dark?"

Ralph (yells): "WILL YOU SHUT UP?"

"Boy Next Door":

Ralph: "My dad once said this: 'For one of a sock, a shoe was lost. For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a war was lost. For one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost.'"

Alice: "Yeah? Why don't you get lost?"

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ralph: "The more brains men have, the less hair they got."

(Alice puts her fingers in Ralph's hair.)

Alice: "I rest my case."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "You had enough food for you to last five days."

Ralph: "Is that so? Well, I want to live for at least six or seven days."

"Alice Plays Cupid":

Alice: "Who are you to talk about looks? You are no Humphrey Bogart."

Ralph: "No, but Henrietta is."

"Stand-In For Murder Part 1":

Ralph: "Some day, someone will discover you."

Ed: "Not unless he falls down an open manhole."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Ed: "Boy, it's going to be a great fight and I have some news for you. Word came from the candy store a little while ago about your fight and they knocked the odds down to 500 to 1."

Ralph: "You mean that they are betting 500 to 1 that I lose."

Ed: "No. They are betting 500 to 1 that you don't even show up."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking this set over my dead body."

Ed: "I couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "How could I waddle like a duck?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"Operation: Protset":

(Clifford makes the peace sign to Ralph.)

Cliff: "Peace."

Ralph (grabbing one of the fingers): "Alice, grab the other one and make a wish."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "This picture must be 15 years old."

Ralph: "Yeah. I seem to remember that dress."

Alice: "You should. I wore it yesterday."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "When did you get those glasses?"

Ed: "About four months ago. The doctor told me that I have to wear them when I read."

Ralph: "Do they help?"

Ed: "I don't know. This is the first time I have tried them out."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "Is that you Mr. Johnson?"

Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "YES IT IS MR. KRAMDEN AND I HAVE THE SHERRIFF WITH ME. OPEN UP!"

Ralph: "Are you crazy? If I open the door, you will slap me with a rent increase. Ha ha. I am not opening up."

Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "STAY IN THERE. BUT THE SHERRIFF IS POSTING ONE OF HIS MEN IN THIS HALLWAY AND THE MINUTE YOU OPEN THAT DOOR, HE WILL SLAP YOU WITH AN EVICTION NOTICE AND DON'T TRY TO GO OUT THE FIRE ESCAPE. HE WILL HAVE A MAN OUT THERE TOO."

(Ralph looks scared.)

Ralph (to Alice): "Just what I told you. He is scared to death."

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Ralph Kramden?"

Ed: "I am as close as anybody can get to Ralph Kramden."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph is going to try to sell KramMar's to Mr. Marshall.)

Ralph: "What I have in this lunchbox is something that is worth a million dollars."

Mr. Marshall: "Then you must have had a good day on the bus."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "When I win the contest, I am going to get myself a leather lumbar jacket, a pair of bowling shoes and before I am finished, you will get a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "At least my relatives don't come by unexpected."

Alice: "No, they come as steady as clockwork. Three times a week."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "This picture must be 15 years old."

Ralph: "Yeah. I seem to remember that dress."

Alice: "You should. I wore it yesterday."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

(They are inside Uncle Howard's mansion.)

(Howard picking up a vase):

Howard: "They think that one day, all of this will be there's."

Ed: "Howard, quick fooling around with Ralph's vase."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ed: "Why don't you take Stanley and Sally to your apartment to see how you and Alice get along?"

Ralph: "I want to postpone the wedding. Not cancel it forever."

"Poor People of Paris":

Ralph: "If I were you, I wouldn't go out in May."

Ed: "Why?"

Ralph: "Because that is when they gather nuts."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Just remember; you can't put your arms around a memory!"

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you!"

"Brother-In-Law":

Ralph: "I'm the boss. You're nothing."

Alice: "Big deal. You are the boss over nothing."

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and anybody."

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(Ed is gving the bottles to Ralph and saying what each and every bottle has. He picks up one of the bottles.)

Ed: "This is a tough one. 'Oliveoil.'"

(Ralph picks up the bottle and looks at the label.)

Ralph: "'Oliveoil?'" (yells): "THAT'S OLIVE OIL."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "There isn't anything in this world that's going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow and talking to Ed's boss."

Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you could fit through."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph. You're my husband."

Ralph: "No, I'm your brother."

"Without Reservations":

(Everybody is in the run-down hotel.)

Ralph: "We don't have to get the hotel ready until they build the highway."

Alice: "I think it would be easier if they built the hotel and we built the highway."

"Without Reservations":

(Everybody is in their respective uniforms. Ed's bellhop uniform barely fits.)

Ralph: "Are there any questions?"

Ed: "Yeah, how do I get out of this chicken outfit?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "You are so funny that I am going to put you in my act. It's going to be called: 'Punch & Judy.' And you are going to be Judy."

Alice: "And you are going to be Punchy."

Ed: "Punchy. Ha ha ha."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "SHUT UP!"

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Alice: "You mean that you are going to call your boss at 11:30 Friday night?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Alice: "Ralph, that's crazy. He might be fast asleep."

Ralph: "That's his tough luck."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph is trying to butter Alice up so he can get the money from her so he could go on the Racoon Convention.)

Ralph: "That was a nice dinner that you made me."

Alice: "You liked the cold cuts."

(A slight pause.)

Ralph: "My, isn't she lovely."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm going to take a bath."

Aunt Ethel: "Would you mind if I brushed my teeth first?"

Ralph: "Give them to me and I'll do them for you."

"Goodnight Sweet Prince":

Alice: "Ed, don't you have to go to work?"

Ed: "There not too concerned about punctuality down in the sewer Alice. As a matter of fact, they think that they are lucky if we show up at all."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell Ed how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "Well, I was driving my bus. He was ready to cross the street by a traffic light and I stopped for at that traffic light because of the red light."

(Ralph looks around.)

Ralph: "Well, if I gone through the light, I may have hit him."

Ed: "You didn't save him. You saved your bus."

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "Trixie & Ed had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"A Matter of Record":

Tommy: "How about it Mr. Kramden? Do you think you can cover first base?"

Ed: "My boy, you are looking at a man that can cover the infield, outfield and all four corners of the bleachers."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Nobody is 100% Alice."

Alice: "You are. You have been wrong every time."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "How long do you think it would take one man if he sold all of these (Handy Housewife Helpers) if we went from door-to-door?"

Alice: "About one minute if this was the first door he knocked on."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Trixie was down here and she said that she saw you on the show."

Ralph: "She was? Well, what did she say?"

Alice: "Well, she said that she was the biggest thing on TV."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Mr. Faversham says that I have something that is on stage and stretches out into the audience."

Alice (patting Ralph's stomach): "You certainly have."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

(Ed puts his cigarette in Alice's sink that is full of balloons.)

Ralph: "What kind of mind must a man have to put a lit cigarette in a sink loaded with balloons?"

Ed: "What kind of mind must you have to have a sink full of balloons?"

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Be kind to the people you meet on the way up because you are going to meet the same type of people on the way down."

Ed: "How true. ’Be kind to the people you meet on the way up because you are going to meet the same type of people on the way down.' Happens to me every day in the sewer."

"Vacation at Fred's Landing":

(Ralph picks out a small fish that he claimed that he had a big tug-of-war with.)

Alice: "This is the fish you had the tug-of-war with?"

Ralph: "He lost a lot of weight during the fight."

"Stand-In for Murder Part 1":

Ralph: "Help yourself to the food."

(Ralph puts food that Alice cooked on his plate. Ed puts a lot more on his plate.)

Ed: "I don't want to eat too much. I just had supper."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"We Spy":

(Ralph & Ed greet the girls wearing Russian uniforms. They try telling the girls the story about them being mistakes for spies in Russia.)

Ralph: "Honestly I am telling the truth. Where do you think we got these clothes from?"

Alice (reading the label on Ralph's uniform): "'The Fat Man's Shop.'"

"You're In the Picture":

Trixie: "You know, you can buy anything in here that is made out of straw."

Ed: "Good. I will buy you a broom."

"The Prowler":

Ralph: "A prowler? Quick, hide your wristwatch."

Alice: "It's at the jeweler's being repaired."

Ralph: "Every time we need that wristwatch, it's out being repaired."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Ralph: "I got a toothache. Why do you think I have this thing (towel wrapped around his head) for?"

Ed: "I thought that you were going to be a bunny rabbit on that TV commercial tomorrow."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph & Ed are thinking of a name for the appetizer they think they have discovered after Ralph said that his boss, Mr. Marshall, will help out as far as helping Ralph sell it.)

Ed: "How about Kramden's Delicious Marshall?"

Ralph: "Marshall? What kind of stuff is marshall?"

Ed: "Well, we don't know what this stuff (the name of the food) is. You might as well call it marshall."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ed: "Me and Trixie may be moving tomorrow."

Carlos: "Trixie never mentioned it."

Ed: "Trixie doesn't know it yet."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm not asking you for the money. The general is telling you to give it to me."

(Alice takes a bowl and puts it on his head and "salutes" him.)

Alice: "Har-har-har."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "All I know is when I win the $100, I am going out to buy myself a new pair of shoes, a leather lumbar jacket and before I am finished, you will have a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Ralph: "I'm just steamed at Alice because she thinks that there is nobody stupid enough to offer me a job like an insurance executive."

Ed: "This guy that wants to hire you sounds stupid enough."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

Ed: "I filed a lawsuit once. The lawyers claimed that I didn't even have a case."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I was working in the sewer and a manhole cover fell on my head."

Ralph: "Why couldn't you win the case?"

Ed: "I couldn't prove it did any damage."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph and Ed rehearse their mind-reading act in which Ralph will hold up an object while Ed tries to guess it with the help of Ralph's clue while he can't see. Ed's eyes are closed while Ralph holds up a watch.)

Ralph: "Watch out for this, o' swami."

Ed: "What's the clue?"

"A Man's Pride":

(Ralph is trying to tell Bill Davis that he has a VERY IMPORTANT job.)

Ralph: "I am in the transportation business."

Bill Davis: "What do you do?"

Ralph: "Oh, I run things."

Bill: "You run things?"

Ed: "Yeah, everyday he's in the driver's seat."

"Please Leave The Premises":

(Ralph & Alice are fighting the rent increase by doing without heat, gas, water & electricity. Alice wants to leave.)

Ralph: "I'm the General. What I say goes."

Alice: "Than you better say Alice because I am going."

"Man From Space":

Ralph: "You are not up on the latest developments."

Alice: "I'm not? Who is it that lets your pants out every week?"

"Hero Part 1":

(Ralph opens a can of turpinetine. Tommy is amazed.)

Tommy: "That proves that I am right."

Ralph: "Right about what?"

Tommy: "Well, I say that it is all muscle. But, all my friends say that you are a big load of fat."

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in their uniforms. Ed's bellhop uniform is too tight.)

Ralph: "Are there any questions?"

Ed: "Yes, how do I get out of this chicken outfit?"

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that is very encouraging that you sold to your last customer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you finally hit on the right approach. Now, do you remember what you said?"

Ed: "Sure. I said: `Mama, you just go to buy this iron.'"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph is dressed up as a hola girl. Trixie is dressed up as a sailor. They are rehearsing for a talent contest. Ralph comes in.)

Ralph: "What are you doing and who is he?"

Alice: "That's Trixie."

Ralph (to Trixie): "All right. What are you doing and who is she (Alice)?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "My mother had an offer to appear in silent pictures but she turned that down."

Ralph: "For your information, the reason why she did that was because she couldn't keep silent."

"Principle of The Thing":

(The Kramdens have no water. Ed tries to listen to the pipes with a stethoscope to see what the trouble is.)

Ed: "There is your trouble right there. No water."

Ralph: "Did you hear that? He said no water. There's an intelligent man who has spent practically his entire life in the swer and believe you me when he says that there is no water, there is no water." (yells): "I KNOW THERE IS NO WATER."

Ed: "Now you are getting it from the expert's mouth."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "I think the wallpaper is pretty. Alice thinks it is rotten. What do you think?"

(Ed looks at it.)

Ed: "I think that you are both right. It's pretty rotten."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph and Ed have just finished playing poker with ther friends.)

Ralph: "Did you ever see a sore loser like that?"

Ed: "Yes, I did. Two weeks ago when you lost."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you know that if I become Raccoon of The Year that we get the honor of free burial at the Raccoon National Cemetary? Do you know where that is? Bismark, North Dakota."

Alice: "Well, that's wonderful Ralph. Just wonderful. I always dreamed about going out west."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "Can you take a hint?"

Ed: "Yes."

Ralph: "All right." (yells): "I HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! NOW GET OUT."

Ed: "Okay, what's the hint?"

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "You can't put your arms around a memory."

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is all the janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be hard with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and tell him off good."

Alice: "I was waiting for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I'm home. So go down and tell him off."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

Bing: "Looks like you run a very democratic household Ralph."

Trixie: "Yeah, you know what happened to them in the last election."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "Nobody is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one big enough?"

"Ralph Kramden Inc."

Ed: "Is that the crunchy kind of peanut butter?"

Ralph: "Yes, it is the crunchy kind and I can prove it to you. When this jar hits your head, you will hear a crunch."

"Expectant Dad" & "The Adoption":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. They just called us 'Big' Ralph and 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"Double Anniversary":

Ralph: "Something smells good."

Ed: "It can't be me. I just got through working in the sewer."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "We got money in the bank. Don't we?"

Alice: "Yeah, we do. $3.31."

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "We must remove the mental block from the patient's subconscious mind. Do you follow?"

Ralph: "Not exactly but when you said 'Mental Block', I knew it had something to do with Norton."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "You just shattered another dream tonight. 'The Candy Store' dream we will call this one. You shattered it. When I was a kid, my dreams were shattered. I wanted a pony. I called it 'The Pony Dream.' That was shattered. My parents were broke. Both dreams shattered. The story of my life is shattered dreams."

Alice: "All right Ralph. I understand and I will make it up to you. You forget this 'Candy Store' dream and every Sunday, I will treat you to a pony ride."

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "I want to do the things that young people do. That is what makes you young."

Ralph: "You want to do that? Let's play games that young people play. Let's play house. I will be the daddy and you will be the mommy. All right Mommy CLEAN UP!"

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (reading): "'Four-letter word for place of dwelling.' I got that one. House: H-o-s-e. That is the trouble with these puzzles. They are not challenging."

Alice: "Yeah, they are easy. Easy: E-z-y."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: ""For one of a nail, a shoe is lost. For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a battle was lost. And for one of a battle, a war was lost. And for one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost."

Alice: "Why don't you get lost?"

"Play It Again, Norton":

(Ed is disguised as Ralph's son. Ed has Alice's wig on.)

Ralph: "My son has my wife's eyes."

Ed: "I also have her hair."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ed: "Trixie, would you stop giving me limburger cheese sandwiches for lunch?"

Trixie: "I thought you liked them."

Ed: "I do but the guys down the sewer can't stand the smell."

"Hello Mom":

Alice: "My mother is coming and you are going to be nice to her."

Ralph: "I'm going to be nice to her. That's impossible. We don't get along. We're enemies. Natural enemies like a boa constrictor and a mongoose."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

(Ralph and Alice are on the "Beat The Clock" game show.)

Ralph (waving): "Hi mom!"

Bud Collyer: "Don't you think your mother will be happy that she saw you do that?"

Ralph: "I don't think so. She doesn't have a TV."

"Better Living Through TV":

(Ed is helping Trixie with a dress that Ed is wearing.)

Trixie: "Don't you have to smoke that cigar?"

Ed: "Please. It's the only link left to the old me."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "You don't think I would be dumb enough to put salt in my coffee?"

Ed: "Well, what's dumber than putting mustard on vanilla ice cream?"

Ralph: "Who does that?"

Ed: "I do."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ed: "Why not call the dog Ralph."

Ralph: "Ralph?"

Ed: "Yeah, not only can people call him, dogs can call him too. Ralph! Ruff! Ralph! Ruff!"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"TV or Not TV":

Alice: "Why can't we have a TV set?"

Ralph: "Do you want to know the reason? Do you want to know the reason?"

Alice: "Yeah."

Ralph: "The reason? All right...I am waiting for third-dimensional television."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "I would have given my life to be a jockey but I was a little too heavy."

Alice: "A little too heavy? You are too fat to be a horse."

"We Spy":

Trixie: "Why didn't you help Ed with the suitcases?"

Ralph: "Because I strained my back."

Alice: "How did you do that?"

Ralph: "When I piled the bags into Norton's arms."

"Love Letter":

Ralph: "What was she (Trixie) holding behind her back?"

Alice: "Ralph, really it was nothing."

Ralph: "Alice, you don't hold nothing behind your back. You show it out in front so everybody can see it. Now, what was she holding behind her back."

Alice: "All right. She was hiding your birthday present."

Ralph: "Why did you tell me for? You know I like surprises."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "Where is the landlord?"

Man: "Florida."

Ralph: "Florida?"

Man: "He can't stand this cold weather."

"Pal O' Mine":

(Ed just showed the ring that he is going to give to his boss, Jim McKeever.)

Alice: "Why didn't you get the store where you got this from to gift-wrap it for you?"

Ed: "Oh, they got some silly rule down there. 'No gift-wrapping for any purchase less than $3."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "That phone is for you-you-you."

(The phone rings. Alice picks it up.)

Alice: "Hello?" (slightly poking Ralph with the receiver): "It's for you-you-you."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph and Ed arrive in the Kramdens apartment. Ralph thinks that Alice is asleep in the bedroom.)

Ralph (whispering): "Shhh! Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What's that Ralph?"

Ralph (whispering): "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shhh! Alice is asleep.'"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "There is no spot to small for me to get out of."

Ed: "Then how come I am always the one making the calls in the phone booth?"

"Hot Dog Stand":

(Ralph wants money so he can get the hot dog stand. Alice has repeatedly said no. Ralph isn't giving up.)

Ralph: "Will you let me have it? Will you let me have it?"

Alice (mockingly): "Will you let me have it? Will you let me have it?"

Ralph: "Boy, I would love to let you have it."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph is about to sit on Ed's toy boat and he doesn't know it. Ed tries to warn him.)

Ed: "Ralph..."

Ralph: "Don't talk to me. I'm not talking to you."

Ed: "Ralph..."

Ralph: "Shut up!"

Ralph (sitting on the toy boat, yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"


Read more: http://www.sitcomsonline.com/boards/showthread.php?t=277100&page=9#ixzz1VTRnvIoe

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Remember last year at the convention when the cops were cracking down on the people who were dropping bags out of the hotel window? That didn't bother me. I just went 1...2...3 and I threw them out."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "Look me all over. Now describe my build to me."

Ed: "Well, if I were to describe your build, I would say you have very well-developed muscles. Got good bone structure. Very good bone structure. Fine frame...and the whole thing is covered with fat."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "For my height, I am four pounds underweight. It says so in the chart."

Alice: "You must have been looking at a chart for a hippo."

"Checkup":

Ed: "Has there been anything you wanted to look inside that didn't belong to you?"

Ralph: "Yes. Your head."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Get in that kitchen and start cleaning up."

Alice: "Only if I use you for a mop."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "Stop saying 'okay.' Say: 'That will be very good sir.'"

Thelma: "Okay."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "This (Ed) is my guest and I'm your employer."

Thelma: "Some guest and some employer. The SIMP and the BLIMP."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ed just won the TV set on the movie ticket that Ralph got.)

Ed: "It's just like the guy said: 'A lesser man would have said: 'I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me.''"

Ralph: "I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "Nobody is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one big enough?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Trixie: "I don't know how Ed can become unconscious so fast."

Ralph: "He has got a pretty good head start."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Trixie: "Any mistake Ed has made, Ralph ahs talked him into."

Ralph: "I didn't talk him into marrying you, did I?"

"King of The Castle":

(Ralph explains to Ed that one time Alice wanted him to come home, but Ralph didn't.)

Ralph: "I showed her whose boss."

Ed: "What happened when you came home?"

Ralph: "Never mind about that."

"King of The Castle":

Ed: "You should write in the paper :'I Ralph Kramden, do not assume the debts of Alice Kramden.'"

Ralph: "It won't work. I tried that the day after we were married. "

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "I don't mind if Stanley eats like a garbage disposal, I just don't want him to sound like one."

Alice: "He has false teeth."

Ralph: "I know why. He wore out his real ones eating."

"Expectant Dad":

Ed: "When my son graduates from college and is ready to face the world, I will get him a job with me in the sewer."

Ralph: "When your son graduates from college, you are going to get him a job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Well certainly. The sewer accepts college grads."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Alice: "You haven't touched this cornette in years."

Ralph: "I want to keep it."

Ed: "He has a point Alice. He hasn't seen his toes in years and he still wants to keep them."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph (sarcastically): "I hope you realize that water always recedes it's level."

Ed: "Yeah, we heard rumors to that effect down in the sewer."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Mrs. Manicotti: "But Mr. Kramden, it is fun."

(She does the mambo.)

Ralph: "And you, at your age, ought to be ashamed of yourself."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Something's Fishy":

Ralph: "When did you ever catch anything?"

Alice: "15 years ago. I caught 300 lbs. of blubber."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE NOT GOING!"

Alice (yells): "I AM GOING!"

Ralph: "The only place that you are going to is the moon."

"Move Uptown":

Mrs. Winters: "Do you and your wife have any wild parties?"

Ralph: "No."

Ed: "He hasn't even taken his wife out in the last five years."

"The Adoption" & "Expectant Dad":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. Nothing wrong with that. They used to call us 'Big' Ralph & 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ed: "I have a well-thought plan to eliminate the deficit. Secretary, would you please strike this down in the record? As we all know, the club dues are $2 a month and even with that the Raccons haven't been paying their dues. I see no reason why we can't shrink the dues down to a $1 a month. Even then, if the member's don't pay their dues, it will be cutting the deficit in half."

Ralph: "Would you mind repeating that?"

Ed: "I said the club dues are $2 a month. If we shrink the dues down to a dollar a month...Secretary, would please erase this from the record?"

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ed puts a beauty mark on Ralph's left cheek after the makeup put some makeup on Ralph's eyes and lipstick.)

Ralph: "What did you just do?"

Ed: "I put a beauty mark on your left cheek."

Ralph: "Why did you do that?"

Ed: "Without it, you look exactly like Barbara Streisand."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

Ed: "Mike Douglas was down the sewer one time to present the USO Award."

Ralph: "USO Award?"

Ed: "Yeah United Sewerworkers Of."

Ralph: "Of what?"

Ed: "We don't know yet. No one will take us."

"Hawaii! Oh! Oh!":

(After Ralph threatens that him and Ed are going to jump out the hotel window if the wives don't give them the money, Ed accidentally falls out.)

Ed: "I forgot. We are on the ground floor."

Ralph: "You don't know how to fall correctly."

Ed: "I would if we were on the 15th floor."

"A Matter of Record":

Alice: "Ralph, I told you that I don't want you calling her that."

Ralph: "Okay, you are an expert on crossword puzzles. Give me another word for 'blabbermouth.'"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "Can you take a hint?"

Ed: "Yes."

Ralph: "All right." (yells): "I HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! NOW GET OUT!"

Ed: "Okay. What's the hint?"

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "Berlin threw away a lot of bad lines."

Alice: "Yeah, if you can only find out where he threw them."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph: "You mean that after taking one look at that Carlos, you are going to give him Trixie's potato salad?"

Ed: "Of course. This will fix his wagon. Before I started eating Trixie's cooking, I was a regular Clark Gable."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "Just for that remark Alice, when we get to Fred's Landing, I won't introduce you to Fred."

Alice: "From this blow, I may never recover."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This (the Handy Housewife Helper) is the key to my future. The key to my future."

Alice: "Don't tell me that it has a key for opening the door at Bellevue?"

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

(Ralph gets hurt by Norton's lit cigarette that Norton accidently dropped.)

Alice: "What happened?"

Ralph (yells): "NORTON WANTED TO HAVE A CIGARETTE."

Alice: "So?"

Ralph (yells): "HE USED ME FOR AN ASHTRAY."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Alice: "How could you even think of going to the movies when Ed took you to the Kit Kat Club on your birthday?"

Ralph: "Did I ask him to take me there? Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested going to the Copa."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "I didn't empty out your garbage because it is part of my efficency system. Your garbage can was half full. When it's full-full, then I will empty it. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here, save a trip there and it all mounts up."

Ed: "That is what I am afraid of. It's mounting up all over the building."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "One hand washes the other while both hands wash the face."

Ed: "Just get me water. I know how to wash."

"Head of The House":

(Ralph just told the newspaper's questioning photographer to print him saying that the husband is the boss of the house.)

Ralph: "I'm a horse. You are a mouse."

Ed: "Let me say this. I rather be a live mouse then a dead horse."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph is playing poker. One of the boys, Sullivan left and is waiting for a bus.)

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "HEY KRAMDEN, CUT OUT THE NOISE."

Ralph: "That's that crab Garrity from upstairs."

(Ralph goes to the window, opens it up and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO SLEEP? THIS IS AMERICA. A FREE
COUNTRY."

(Ralph puts his head back in the place.)

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "HEY KRAMDEN! HEY KRAMDEN!"

(Ralph sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

(Garrity douses Ralph with water. Everyone in the room laughs.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP! YOU SHUT UP TOO DOWN THERE."

Ed: "Who are you yelling at now Ralph?"

Ralph: "Sullivan. He's waiting for the bus."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph is playing poker with his friends.)

Ralph: "We said that we were going to quit at 12 and it's 2am already."

Man: "Why didn't we quit at 12?"

Ed: "Ralph was losing then."

"Ralph's Diet":

(Ralph gets on the scale.)

Ralph: "I don't need to diet anymore. I lost a pound."

Alice: "Ralph, when you lose a pound, it's like Bayoone losing a mosquito."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a much smarter guy than I am."

Alice's Mom: "So you admit it."

Ralph: "Sure. He took one look at you and refused to marry her."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice is in the phone booth. They boys don't know it.)

Ralph: "I'm the one in the faimly with it up here."

(Ralph points to his head.)

Ed: "You got plenty of it down there too."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice wants to buy new furniture.)

Ralph: "Furniture? Furniture? We got furniture."

Alice: "Sure we got furniture. But just because you are a Raccoon doesn't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Nick: "How about $400 a week."

(Ralph coughs.)

Nick: "$500."

(Ralph coughs more.)

Nick: "$600."

Ralph: "Norton, give me some water."

Ed: "Don't be a dope Ralph. Keep coughing Ralph. You will be a millionaire in no time."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is trying to bang his pipes to get water for his apartment. Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "NORTON, WOULD YOU STOP THAT BANGING? I GOT A HEADACHE."

Ed (from upstairs, yells): "I NEED WATER. I NEED TO TAKE A BATH."

Ralph (yells): "DO ME A FAVOR AND STAY DIRTY JUST FOR THE NIGHT."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy that Ed put down.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR? YOU GOT RID OF THE HIC-OFFS, DIDN'T YOU?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and anybody."

"Confusion, Italian Style":

(The Kramdens & Norton arrive in a VERY small car.)

Man: "These italian cars aren't exactly very big."

Ralph: "You're telling me. When I first saw this, I thought that it was a cigarette lighter."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Fred: "You will have to eat as much to help you stay alive Ralph."

Ed: "Even that will be too much."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The boys come home.)

Ralph: "Shh! Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What?"

Ralph: "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shh! Alice is asleep.'"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "This furniture is good for me."

Alice: "Sure it is. But, just because you are a Raccoon doesn't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "All right Alice, don't give me the money and if you don't, I am walking out that door! And once I walk out that door it is for good! I will never come back in here again! I will never set foot in this building once I walk out that door! You're going to be awful lonesome around here all by yourself, Alice! Just remember; you can't put your arms around a memory!"

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you!"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph picks up the jacket that Ed put the hot iron on. The jacket is now burned.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that's my idea of a burn."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Alice: "You mean that you are going to call your boss at 11:30 Friday night?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Alice: "Ralph, that's crazy. He might be fast asleep."

Ralph: "That's his tough luck."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph is trying to butter Alice up so he can get the money from her so he could go on the Racoon Convention.)

Ralph: "That was a nice dinner that you made me."

Alice: "You liked the cold cuts."

(A slight pause.)

Ralph: "My, isn't she lovely."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm going to take a bath."

Aunt Ethel: "Would you mind if I brushed my teeth first?"

Ralph: "Give them to me and I'll do them for you."

"Goodnight Sweet Prince":

Alice: "Ed, don't you have to go to work?"

Ed: "There not too concerned about punctuality down in the sewer Alice. As a matter of fact, they think that they are lucky if we show up at all."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell Ed how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "Well, I was driving my bus. He was ready to cross the street by a traffic light and I stopped for at that traffic light because of the red light."

(Ralph looks around.)

Ralph: "Well, if I gone through the light, I may have hit him."

Ed: "You didn't save him. You saved your bus."

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "Trixie & Ed had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"A Matter of Record":

Tommy: "How about it Mr. Kramden? Do you think you can cover first base?"

Ed: "My boy, you are looking at a man that can cover the infield, outfield and all four corners of the bleachers."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "You are the type that would bend way over and pick up a pocketbook on April Fool's Day. I wouldn't."

Alice: "You couldn't."

"Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "You don't think I'm crazy."

(Ralph sits down and hits his knee with a hammer. He thinks that his leg that has the knee cap that he hit should go up.)

Ralph: "That proves that I am crazy."

Alice: "It sure does."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The Great Fatchoomara is about to hypnotize Alice so Alice can reveal where she hid the money that Ralph is planning to use on the Raccoon convention.)

Ralph (to the G.F.): "You might think that this is a little underhanded. But, all's fair in love and war."

Ed: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "You know, I don't have the greatest education in the world. I only went to the 6th grade. I should have continued on. I should have went to high school and thru college. That wouldn't have done any good. That would have made things worse."

Alice: "What do you mean?"

Ralph: "How do you think I would feel as a college graduate being fired from a bus company?"

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that is strong enough to do that."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "Do you care if I waste away?"

Alice: "Sure I do Ralph. But you wouldn't waste away if you stayed awake for nine years."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph (yells): "I AM NOT MISSING THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

Alice (yells): "LISTEN. YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR AND YOU WILL BE IN THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "You are going to say: `Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts.'"

Ralph: "Don't worry."

(The butler comes in and Ralph thinks it is Uncle Howard.)

Ralph: "Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts."

"Sun & Fun & The Raccoon Capital":

(Ralph is trying to get into his uniform…his pants are too big. In the storyline, [and Jackie in real life, of course] he lost weight.)

Ralph: "If I go out in these, I will be a laughing stock."

Ed: "If you don't, you will get a few laughs too."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Remember last year at the convention when the cops were cracking down on the people who were dropping bags out of the hotel window? That didn't bother me. I just went 1...2...3 and I threw them out."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "Look me all over. Now describe my build to me."

Ed: "Well, if I were to describe your build, I would say you have very well-developed muscles. Got good bone structure. Very good bone structure. Fine frame...and the whole thing is covered with fat."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "For my height, I am four pounds underweight. It says so in the chart."

Alice: "You must have been looking at a chart for a hippo."

"Checkup":

Ed: "Has there been anything you wanted to look inside that didn't belong to you?"

Ralph: "Yes. Your head."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Get in that kitchen and start cleaning up."

Alice: "Only if I use you for a mop."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "Stop saying 'okay.' Say: 'That will be very good sir.'"

Thelma: "Okay."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "This (Ed) is my guest and I'm your employer."

Thelma: "Some guest and some employer. The SIMP and the BLIMP."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ed just won the TV set on the movie ticket that Ralph got.)

Ed: "It's just like the guy said: 'A lesser man would have said: 'I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me.''"

Ralph: "I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "Nobody is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one big enough?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Alice: "Have you told Trixie about the change in vacation plans. I know that she wanted to go to Atlantic City."

Ed: "Trixie will go where I want to go."

Ralph: "Atta boy pal! Put your foot down."

Alice: "What are you going to do if she puts up a squawk?"

Ed: "Very simple. I will tell her that Atlantic City is closed for the summer."

"Expectant Father":

(Ralph thinks that he is going to be a father. He wants his new boy to be a fighter.)

Ed: "Why don't you name the kid Percy?"

Ralph: "Percy?"

Ed: "With a name like that, he will be fighting all the time."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Two For The Money":

(Ed & Ralph dance to music that is coming from Dehnny's Bar's jukebox at 3am. The owner unplugs it.)

Restaurant Owner: "Do you want me to lose my license?"

Ed: "Don't worry. We will drive you home."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Ralph: "Since we are going to be living here, I may need to get my wife some new clothes."

Bruno: "Don't worry about it. All she will need is a black dress."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "The theater has been in me all my life."

Alice: "Yeah, I knew that that wasn't your stomach. It was the balcony."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "I am going to the game."

(Ralph leaves.)

Alice: "You are not going to the game."

Ralph (opening the door): "I am going to the game."

(Ralph leaves.)

(Alice opens up the window.)

Alice (yells): "YOU ARE GOING TO MY SISTER'S WEDDING."

(Alice closes the window.)

(Ralph comes back up.)

Ralph (opening the door, yells): "I AM GOING TO THE GAME."

"Young At Heart":

(Ralph comes out with his crazy custome on.)

Ralph: "Well, how about it?...Well, how about it? What do you think?"

Ed: "Wait a minute. Just give me time to drink this whole thing in. It's like seeing Boulder Dam for the first time."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows how much you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed looks at the toaster.)

Ed: "The radiostat conductor is not making proper contact with the electrocoil."

Alice: "What does that mean?"

Ed: "There's a screw loose."

"The Safety Award":

Ralph: "A group of men are picked to do a job, trained in the same fashion as each other, and there's always one man in the group that stands out far in front of the others."

Ed: "If you stood out any more in front you wouldn't be able to get behind the wheel of a bus!"

"Songs & Witty Sayings Part 1":

Ralph & Ed (sing loudly): "WELL, STROLLING THROUGH THE PARK ONE DAY, IN THE MERRY, MERRY, MONTH OF MAY, I WAS TAKEN BY SURPRISE BY A PAIR OF ROUGHISH EYES..."

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "WILL YOU TWO KEEP IT QUIET DOWN THERE? I AM TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP."

Ralph: "That's that wise guy Garrity."

(Ralph goes to the window and opens it.)

Ralph (yells): "AREN'T YOU HOME EARLY GARRITY? WHAT HAPPENED, DID THE SALOON BURN DOWN?"

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Alice: "You mean that you are going to call your boss at 11:30 Friday night?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Alice: "Ralph, that's crazy. He might be fast asleep."

Ralph: "That's his tough luck."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "I'm the one in the family who's got it up here."

(Ralph points to his brain.)

Ed: "You got plenty of it down there too."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(Ralph & Ed are in the really broken down cottage.)

Ralph: "$998, we have been robbed. What are we going to tell the girls? They will kill us. They will kill us after they saw the place in the showroom. What are we going to do?"

Ed: "If it was April 1st, we can jump up from behind them and yell: 'April Fool!'"

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in the really broken-down hotel.)

Ralph (to Ed): "You keep it up and you won't even be a bellhop. You'll be a..."

Alice: "Why don't you make him a guest? Nothing can be worse than that."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "I'm going to squeeze Mr. Marshall. He's in no position to squeeze me."

Alice: "Of course not. He couldn't even get his arms around you."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "There isn't anything in this world that's going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow and talking to Ed's boss."

Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you could fit through."

"Boys & Girls Together":

Ralph: "I'm very important to the Hurricanes. I'm the anchor man."

Alice: "Of what, the Queen Mary?"

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Alice wants to go to the movies.)

Ralph: "The Hurricanes need me."

Alice: "I feel very sorry for the Hurricanes because the biggest wind of them all isn't going to be there."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Carlos: "If your wives want you guys to do these simple things, like opening a door for them, why don't you do it?"

Ralph: "He wants to know why we don't do it. Why we don't do it....Why we don't do it....Because it's too much trouble. That's why we don't do it."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "How would you like it if a person came down to where you worked and helped himself to whatever he could find?"

Ed: "Help himself to what?"

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "I'm writing a list of all my weak points."

Ed: "Oh, is that all the paper you are going to use?"

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

(The waiter gives Ralph & Ed food for their lunch. He takes Ed's hat so it can be hung up.)

Waiter: "Your hat sir?"

Ralph: "What?"

Waiter: "Your hat?"

Ralph: "No, it's my hat. I'll keep it."

"Follow The Boys":

(Alice has the lights turned off and is all dressed up for Ralph. Ralph comes home.)

Alice: "Good evening sweetheart."

Ralph: "So you forgot to pay the elctric bill, huh?"

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Jackie Gleason is down at the Sun & Fun Capital of the World."

Ed: "What's he doing in Perth Amboy?"

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ed goes into the elevator so he can wash up.)

Elevator Operator: "Where to sir?"

Ed: "Follow that cable."

"The Deciding Vote":

(Ralph turns on the vaccum cleaner. It doesn't work.)

Ed: "I think that motor needs a drop or erl."

Ralph: "Yeah, that is all that it needs. A drop of oil."

Alice: "A drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ralph: "You know the condition that I am in. You know that I can't do anything by myself."

Alice: "How did you get out here?"

Ralph: "Don't change the subject."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ed: "I know a man that died from stubbing his toe."

Man: "How is that possible?"

Ed: "He stubbed it on the edge of the Grand Canyon."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "Good thing that I have a brain to figure these things out for us."

Ed: "You sure do Ralph. You can think of smart things to get yourself out of the dumb things that you get yourself into."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph and Ed have just finished playing poker with ther friends.)

Ralph: "Did you ever see a sore loser like that?"

Ed: "Yes, I did. Two weeks ago when you lost."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you know that if I become Raccoon of The Year that we get the honor of free burial at the Raccoon National Cemetary? Do you know where that is? Bismark, North Dakota."

Alice: "Well, that's wonderful Ralph. Just wonderful. I always dreamed about going out west."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "Can you take a hint?"

Ed: "Yes."

Ralph: "All right." (yells): "I HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! NOW GET OUT."

Ed: "Okay, what's the hint?"

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "You can't put your arms around a memory."

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is all the janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be hard with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and tell him off good."

Alice: "I was waiting for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I'm home. So go down and tell him off."

"Alice & The Blonde":

(Alice catches Ralph sneeking into their apartment.)

Alice: "Ralph, do you know what time it is?"

Ralph: "Yeah, it's a little after 11."

Alice: "Yeah, about three hours after 11."

"The Sleepwalker":

(Ed has been annoying Ralph while Ralph is trying to get some sleep.)

Ed: "Ralph, are you sure you don't want a kumpquat?"

Ralph (rolling over in bed, yells): "WILL YOU GET TO BED?"

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

(We learn that Ed took the bag of groceries for his lunch.)

Ed: "I have one complaint though. Those cookies were very stale."

Trixie: "What cookies?"

Ed: "Those little round ones."

Trixie: "Those were brillow pads."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is letting astrology run his life.)

Ralph: "There is nothing I can do about it. It is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"Move Uptown":

(The Kramdens and Trixie are outside.)

Ralph: "Where is Norton? We have to load the trailor."

Trixie: "I don't know."

(Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bong! Boom!)

(Ed comes out with pots and pans tied around him.)

Ralph: "Why do you have to make so much noise for?"

Ed: "Shh."

Ralph: "Don't 'shh' me."

Trixie: "Did you hurt yourself?"

Ed: "No, luckily the pots and pans broke my fall."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ralph: "The more brains people have, the less hair they got."

Alice (feeling Ralph's hair): "I rest my case."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Alice is dressed like a young woman.)

Alice: "Who is going to look at me Ralph? I'm an old woman."

Ralph: "Who would look at an old woman? An old man."

Alice: "Yeah? You should know."

"Ralph's Gone Hollywood":

Ralph: "Don't you know an assgot when you see one?"

Ed: "You certainly are."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "Don't take any pictures of Dr. Norton. He's very modest."

Ed: "I wouldn't mind a few pictures."

"Better Living Through TV":

(Ed is wearing one of Trixie's dresses.)

Trixie: "Do you have to smkoe that cigar?"

Ed: "Please, it's the only link left to the old me."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking that set over my dead body."

Ed: "I couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "How can I get there as fast as you Alice?"

Ed: "Take off 90 pounds."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "We will see hamburges, hot dogs, flapjacks, pizza pies..."

Ed: "And we will widen the front door."

Ralph: "Why would we do that?"

Ed: "With all that food, how are you going to get in and out?"

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "What could I guy want that is down in the sewer that he needs $2 right away?"

Ed: "Today is pay day, and the guys have a dice going around down there. Well, you might as well call it a floating crap game."

"In 25 Words Or Less":

(The waiter makes crepe zuzzets [Franch pancakes], he starts a fire on his grill. Ralph sees it and puts the fire out with a fire extinguisher.)

Ralph: "It's a good thing I was here or the whole boat would have been on fire."

Alice: "Ralph, those were French pancakes."

Ralph: "I don't care what started the fire."

"In 25 Words Or Less":

Ralph: "Flakey Wakey's add to the taste..."

Ed: "But take away from your fat little waist."

"Ship Of Fools":

Ed: "I went to Europe once."

Man: "Did you enjoy it?"

Ed: "No, the Germans kept shooting at me."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy that Ed put down.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR? YOU GOT RID OF THE HIC-OFFS, DIDN'T YOU?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Love Letter":

Ralph: "What was she (Trixie) holding behind her back?"

Alice: "Ralph, really it was nothing."

Ralph: "Alice, you don't hold nothing behind your back. You show it out in front so everybody can see it. Now, what was she holding behind her back."

Alice: "All right. She was hiding your birthday present."

Ralph: "Why did you tell me for? You know I like surprises."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "Where is the landlord?"

Man: "Florida."

Ralph: "Florida?"

Man: "He can't stand this cold weather."

"Pal O' Mine":

(Ed just showed the ring that he is going to give to his boss, Jim McKeever.)

Alice: "Why didn't you get the store where you got this from to gift-wrap it for you?"

Ed: "Oh, they got some silly rule down there. 'No gift-wrapping for any purchase less than $3."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "That phone is for you-you-you."

(The phone rings. Alice picks it up.)

Alice: "Hello?" (slightly poking Ralph with the receiver): "It's for you-you-you."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph and Ed arrive in the Kramdens apartment. Ralph thinks that Alice is asleep in the bedroom.)

Ralph (whispering): "Shhh! Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What's that Ralph?"

Ralph (whispering): "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shhh! Alice is asleep.'"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "There is no spot to small for me to get out of."

Ed: "Then how come I am always the one making the calls in the phone booth?"

"Hot Dog Stand":

(Ralph wants money so he can get the hot dog stand. Alice has repeatedly said no. Ralph isn't giving up.)

Ralph: "Will you let me have it? Will you let me have it?"

Alice (mockingly): "Will you let me have it? Will you let me have it?"

Ralph: "Boy, I would love to let you have it."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph is about to sit on Ed's toy boat and he doesn't know it. Ed tries to warn him.)

Ed: "Ralph..."

Ralph: "Don't talk to me. I'm not talking to you."

Ed: "Ralph..."

Ralph: "Shut up!"

Ralph (sitting on the toy boat, yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

All Classic 39 quotes from "Brother Ralph":

#1

Ed: "Hey Ralphie boy. Put it there. Congratulations there." (shaking Ralph's hand): "Alice just told me the good news there about the suggestion you made down at the company. That was a pretty smart idea of yours, bringing in a traffic expert. Ha ha ha. They didn't need an expert. I could tell what the trouble was. Too many buses on Madison Avenue, that's all. That traffic expert will take some of the buses off the line and lay off some of the drivers. Of course, it will be rough on the bus drivers that are being laid off. But, at a time like this, you got to think of yourself. Think how much better of you and the bus drivers that are working." (slapping Ralph's shoulder): "What's the good word buddy boy?"

Ralph: "I was the first to go."

#2

Alice: "Ralph, you mean that you were fired?"

Ralph: "Oh, I wasn't fired. I was just temporairily laid off along with nine other dirvers. How about that? How could they do that to me? A guy that has worked and slaved for them for 15 years? 15 years, driving a bus. Aggravations 101 - Aggravations every day. In the summertime, dying from the heat. In the winter time, freezing from the cold. Through the hail, the snow and the sleet. Do you know the sign in the Post Office that says: `The mail goes through no matter what the weather is.'? Do you know why they do that? Because the mailman rides with me."

#3

Ralph: "What do I have to smile about?"

Ed: "That's the point. Now, more than ever you got to keep your spirits up. Sure, it's easy to smile when things are going good. But, smiling at a time like this is more of a challenge. Come on Ralphie, let me see you smile there. Show me those ivories. Give me the Liberance."

(Ralph smiles.)

Ed: "That's it. Beautiful. Beautiful. Just stay like that. Think of happy times. Think of yesterday when your boss said to you that he was going to use your suggestion of hiring a traffic expert on Madison Ave."

(Ralph stops smiling.)

Ed: "You should be proud Ralphie boy. No one else thought of that. You had that idea stored in your brain. Smile Smile…"

Ralph (yells): "Get out!"

All Lost Episode Quotes from "Letter To The Boss":

#1

Ralph: "A guy from the supply room comes out and says: 'Kramden, turn in your uniform. You are not driving a bus for us anymore.'"

Alice: "I can't believe it."

Ralph: "You can't believe it. I can't believe it. Nine years working for them and this is the thanks I get. Getting up every morning at 5am. Working three Sundays out of four. No holidays. All kinds of weather. Blizzards. Heat spells. Hail storms." Taking all kinds of abuse. Old women yelling at me. Drunks trying to get on without paying their fare. Cab drivers cutting me off. And when another bus driver got sick, I had to work double time…" (slapping his hand on the table): "…and this is the thanks I get."

Alice: "Ralph, don't worry. You'll get another job."

Ralph: "Sure they are but not a job as good as this one."

#2

Alice: "There are plenty of other jobs."

Ralph: "Plenty of jobs, huh? Plenty of jobs, huh?"

(Ralph gets a newspaper.)

Ralph: "I'll show you how many jobs there are." (reading the ads): "'Drill press operator. $70 a week. Learn while you earn.'" (not reading): "Here's another one." (reading): "'Tool and dye worker. Good opportunity for the right party."

Alice: "What's wrong with those jobs?"

Ralph: "Nothing, except they are all listed under: 'Help Wanted-Women!'."

#3

Ralph: "When I married you I told you were never going to work another day in your life."

Alice: "Honey, it won't be long."

Ralph: "I don't care how long it is Alice. I got my pride. Before I see you go to work, I rather see you starve."

All Color Episode Quotes are from "To Whomever It May Concern":

#1

(Ralph is making Ed write a letter to Mr. Marshall.)

Ralph: "'You dirty bum!'"

Ed: "Don't you think that that is a little rough for a starter?"

Ralph: "Maybe your right. 'Dear Mr. Marshall:...'"

Ed: "That's better."

Ralph: "'... You dirty bum!'"

#2

(Ralph just said a lot of nasty remarks that he wants in his letter that Ed is writing to Mr. Marshall, Ralph's boss. Ralph is mad because he thought that Mr. Marshall fired him.)

Ralph: "I don't know what else to say."

Ed: "Maybe it's a good time for you to say that you want your job back."

#3

Ed: "I put SWAK on the back of the letter."

Ralph: "You wrote: 'Sealed With A Kiss' on the back of my letter?"

Ed: "Of course not. I put down 'Sewer Workers Are Kings.'"

"Love Letter":

Ralph: "What was she (Trixie) holding behind her back?"

Alice: "Ralph, really it was nothing."

Ralph: "Alice, you don't hold nothing behind your back. You show it out in front so everybody can see it. Now, what was she holding behind her back."

Alice: "All right. She was hiding your birthday present."

Ralph: "Why did you tell me for? You know I like surprises."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "Where is the landlord?"

Man: "Florida."

Ralph: "Florida?"

Man: "He can't stand this cold weather."

"Pal O' Mine":

(Ed just showed the ring that he is going to give to his boss, Jim McKeever.)

Alice: "Why didn't you get the store where you got this from to gift-wrap it for you?"

Ed: "Oh, they got some silly rule down there. 'No gift-wrapping for any purchase less than $3."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "That phone is for you-you-you."

(The phone rings. Alice picks it up.)

Alice: "Hello?" (slightly poking Ralph with the receiver): "It's for you-you-you."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph and Ed arrive in the Kramdens apartment. Ralph thinks that Alice is asleep in the bedroom.)

Ralph (whispering): "Shhh! Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What's that Ralph?"

Ralph (whispering): "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shhh! Alice is asleep.'"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "There is no spot to small for me to get out of."

Ed: "Then how come I am always the one making the calls in the phone booth?"

"Hot Dog Stand":

(Ralph wants money so he can get the hot dog stand. Alice has repeatedly said no. Ralph isn't giving up.)

Ralph: "Will you let me have it? Will you let me have it?"

Alice (mockingly): "Will you let me have it? Will you let me have it?"

Ralph: "Boy, I would love to let you have it."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph is about to sit on Ed's toy boat and he doesn't know it. Ed tries to warn him.)

Ed: "Ralph..."

Ralph: "Don't talk to me. I'm not talking to you."

Ed: "Ralph..."

Ralph: "Shut up!"

Ralph (sitting on the toy boat, yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"One Big Happy Family":

Ralph: "That is my business. Driving a bus."

Alice: "If you ate more, you wouldn't be able to fit in a bus."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking that set over my dead body."

Ed: "I couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "From now on, you are to address me in a civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "Count backwards from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I have become Taurus the Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man bu it's the same old bull."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Trixie: "This set is Ed's legally."

Ralph: "Oh, so it's legally his. It's legally his. What law school did you go to? I was unaware that they had a law school at Minsky's."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ed: "Tell Ralph that he's a low-down skunk."

Alice: "Ed says that you are a low-down skunk."

Ralph: "Tell him that he's a miserable bum."

Alice: "He says that you are a miserable bum. So, Low-Down Skunk meet Miserable Bum."

"Nephew of The Bride":

(Ralph found out that Alice's Aunt Ethel and Herman are moving in since Herman lives at the YMCA. He picks up his hat and puts it on.)

Alice: "Where are you going?"

Ralph: "To the YMCA."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Just remember; you can't put your arms around a memory!"

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you!"

"Brother-In-Law":

Ralph: "I'm the boss. You're nothing."

Alice: "Big deal. You are the boss over nothing."

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and anybody."

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(Ed is gving the bottles to Ralph and saying what each and every bottle has. He picks up one of the bottles.)

Ed: "This is a tough one. 'Oliveoil.'"

(Ralph picks up the bottle and looks at the label.)

Ralph: "'Oliveoil?'" (yells): "THAT'S OLIVE OIL."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "There isn't anything in this world that's going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow and talking to Ed's boss."

Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you could fit through."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph. You're my husband."

Ralph: "No, I'm your brother."

"Without Reservations":

(Everybody is in the run-down hotel.)

Ralph: "We don't have to get the hotel ready until they build the highway."

Alice: "I think it would be easier if they built the hotel and we built the highway."

"Without Reservations":

(Everybody is in their respective uniforms. Ed's bellhop uniform barely fits.)

Ralph: "Are there any questions?"

Ed: "Yeah, how do I get out of this chicken outfit?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "You are so funny that I am going to put you in my act. It's going to be called: 'Punch & Judy.' And you are going to be Judy."

Alice: "And you are going to be Punchy."

Ed: "Punchy. Ha ha ha."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "SHUT UP!"

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "Ed, you didn't get the job of sewer inspector."

Ed: "No, I washed out."

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that is strong enough to do that."

"Young At Heart":

(Ralph has just said that he has a lot of memories that is attached to his cornette.)

Ralph: "What is a sock doing in my cornette?"

Alice: "It must be one of those tnder memories that is attached to it."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "Face it Alice. You are living off the fat of the land."

Alice: "Face it Ralph. You ARE the fat of the land."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "I have an itch."

Alice: "Scratch it yourself."

Ralph: "I can't reach it."

Alice: "Well, you are Taurus the Bull. Swipe at it with your tail."

"Double Trouble":

Alice: "There are two Ralphs."

Ed: "You mean that all the weight Ralph lost last year made another Ralph?"

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "I'm a failure."

Ed: "I could have told you that ten years ago."

"Checkup":

Ed: "Has there been anything you wanted to look inside that didn't belong to you?"

Ralph: "Yes. Your head."

"You're In The Picture":

Ed: "Did you really cut yourself shaving?"

Ralph: "Of course not."

Ed: "Oh, you dog you. You have been eating pizza again."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

(Harvey just saw Ralph "KO" somebody.)

Harvey: "That is some punch you got there."

Ralph: "It wasn't anything. I hurt him with my bad hand."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Spell antidistanttablihmentterrism (sp?)."

Ralph: "I'll spell it...I'll spell it...I'll spell it."

Alice: "Well, go ahead."

Ralph: "I will spell it when you give me $16,000."

"People's Choice Part 1":

Ed: "You should go down to my Uncle's place in New Jersey. 'Bullets' will never find you there."

Ralph: "He won't?"

Ed: "No, I have been going down there for the past three Sundays in a row. I can't even find the place myself."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Ed: "As long as I am in an executive in that bus company, you are sure of being a bus driver as long as you live."

(Ralph gets up and signals for Ed to leave.)

Ed: "This is no way..."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!!!!!!!!!"

"One Big Happy Family":

Man (from upstairs, yells): "KNOCK OFF THE NOISE DOWN THERE!"

(Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP BEFORE I REPORT YOU TO THE SUPERINTENDENT."

Man (from upstairs, yells): "I AM THE SUPERINTENDENT."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "You know what Jackie Gleason gets. Maybe $50 to $100 a night."

Ed: "$50 to $100 a night?"

Ralph: "Yeah. Personally, I don't think he deserves it but that is what he gets."

Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and anybody."

"Hair To A Fortune":

(Ralph & Ed are making the hair-making formula in a bowl.)

Ralph: "You stupid stupe. You made me poor the beer in the bowl."

Ed: "Why are you calling me stupid for? I wouldn't have done it."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "'Ralph, I want the ice box painted.' 'I want a curtain for the bedroom window.' Why do we need a curtain for the bedroom window? All you see is a brick wall. You are not married to Nelson Rockefeller."

Alice: "I got news for you Ralph. You are not married to Happy either."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "I don't want to take Trixie. I took her on my last trip. She was on my case. She told me I couldn't bowl, I couldn't play pool etc. She just ruined everything."

Ralph: "When was this?"

Ed: "On our honeymoon."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You mean to tell me that you are willing to give up your life insurance for this crazy idea? That settles it Ralph. That settles it. You have rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head? I got rocks in my head? I got NOTHING in my head."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ed: "All I can say is you will be tickled pink when Ralph comes home and says that him and me are going to buy a summer cottage for the four of us and it is only going to cost $989."

Alice: "You mean you are going to buy what for whom and it is only going to cost how much?"

Ed: "I can't tell you. It's a secret."

"Follow The Boys":

Alice: "Ed just learned a new word."

Ralph: "Oh, he knows three words now?"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "I am no crackpot."

Doctor: "We don't use the word 'crackpot' Mr. Kramden. We use the word 'patient.'"

(Intercom rings.)

Doctor (answering the intercom): "Excuse me, I'm with a patient."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "You don't think I'm crazy. My leg won't go up."

Alice: "What?"

Ralph: "That's right. I hit it with a hammer, but it wouldn't go up."

Alice (starting to laugh): "If you keep talking like that, they will come with a net and take you away."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Alice: "I burned my finger on that darn stove."

Ralph: "Gee, that's a shame. If you are not buring yourself, it's my food."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "What is your mother's name Mrs. Norton?"

Ed: "Mrs. Norton."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "Why did you bring that tie?"

Ed: "What is wrong with it?"

Ralph: "Look at the stain on it."

Ed: "That's okay. It's pot roast."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(After Ralph's idea to get the tooth out fails [him and Ed tied one side of a string on a doorknob and the other end on his tooth and they slammed the door shut only to have the doorknob come out], Ralph has a doorknob hanging out of his mouth.)

Ed: "I got an idea. We tie one side of a string on your tooth and the other side to the end of the car, I put the car in drive and vroom! Out goes the tooth."

Ralph: "You are an idiot!"

Ed (yells): "Maybe I am but I don't have a doorknob hanging out of my mouth."

"The Next Champ":

Mr. Amrstrong: "Is this (Ed Norton) you're fighter?"

Ralph: "No, he just looks punch-drunk."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph tries to get Art Carney's autograph for Alice.)

Art: "What's the name?"

Ralph: "My name is Ralph Kramden, but she knows that."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

(Nick and another guy offer Ralph a job and $600 before he starts it.)

Ralph: "$600, I don't know what to do first."

Ed: "I do."

Ralph: "What is that?"

Ed: "I wouldn't tell Trixie."

"Norton Moves In":

(Ralph and Norton are sharing the cot. Ed is having a cigarette.)

Ed: "Ralph, I dropped the match in the bed. Ralph?"

Ralph: "Nee na miz."

Ralph (feeling the lit match, yells): "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"Nephew of The Bride":

Alice: "Aunt Ethel is only staying for a couple of days."

Ralph: "Yeah, those days are Decoration Day, fourth of July and Groundhogs Day."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that's very encouraging that you sold to your last costumer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you found the right thing to say. Did you remember what you said to that last costumer?"

Ed: "Sure I do. I said: 'Mama, you just got to buy this iron.'"

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "That phone is for you-you-you."

(The phone rings.)

Alice: "Hello?" (poking Ralph with the receiver): "It's for you-you-you."

"Hot Dog Stand" & "Principle of The Thing":

Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute necessity?"

Ralph: "I sure do. You can't bowl without one."

"Hot Dog Stand":

(Ed hands a man a hot dog to eat.)

Ralph: "By the way I look, you wouldn't know that I was driving a bus yesterday."

Man: "Oh."

Ed: "I was working in the sewer."

(The man stops himself from eating.)

Man: "Funny. I'm not hungry anymore."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ed: "Ralph, I think I got a splinter from sitting on this bench."

Ralph: "Stay there."

"A Dog's Life":

Ed: "How about we call the food: 'Kramden's Delicious Marshall'?"

Ralph: "Marshall? What kind of stuff is Marshall?"

Ed: "Well, we don't know what this food is. We might as well call it Marshall."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "One hand washes the other while both hands wash the face."

Ed: "Never mind that. Just get me the water. I know how to wash."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "I am just like Washington at Valley Forge."

Alice: "Not exasctly Ralph. George didn't have Martha with him."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ed: "Lately Trixie's Mom has been hounding me. 'Why don't you buy Trixie a new stove?' 'Why don't you get Trixie new clothes?' So, when I get my half of that $200, I will be happy."

Ralph: "You are going to use that money to get Trixie all that stuff?"

Ed: "No. I am going to use it to go to Miami Beach and get away from Trixie's old lady."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Alice accidentally throws her pool cue.)

Alice: "I guess I wasn't supposed to do that."

Ralph: "What was that?"

Alice: "I guess I wasn't supposed to do that, wasn't I?"

Ralph: "Not if we are playing pool, but if we are javelin throwing we are."

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

(The Nortons arrive at the poolroom.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I could tell them where to look."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Alice: "You mean that you are going to call your boss at 11:30 Friday night?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Alice: "Ralph, that's crazy. He might be fast asleep."

Ralph: "That's his tough luck."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph is trying to butter Alice up so he can get the money from her so he could go on the Racoon Convention.)

Ralph: "That was a nice dinner that you made me."

Alice: "You liked the cold cuts."

(A slight pause.)

Ralph: "My, isn't she lovely."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm going to take a bath."

Aunt Ethel: "Would you mind if I brushed my teeth first?"

Ralph: "Give them to me and I'll do them for you."

"Goodnight Sweet Prince":

Alice: "Ed, don't you have to go to work?"

Ed: "There not too concerned about punctuality down in the sewer Alice. As a matter of fact, they think that they are lucky if we show up at all."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell Ed how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "Well, I was driving my bus. He was ready to cross the street by a traffic light and I stopped for at that traffic light because of the red light."

(Ralph looks around.)

Ralph: "Well, if I gone through the light, I may have hit him."

Ed: "You didn't save him. You saved your bus."

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "Trixie & Ed had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"A Matter of Record":

Tommy: "How about it Mr. Kramden? Do you think you can cover first base?"

Ed: "My boy, you are looking at a man that can cover the infield, outfield and all four corners of the bleachers."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Nobody is 100% Alice."

Alice: "You are. You have been wrong every time."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "How long do you think it would take one man if he sold all of these (Handy Housewife Helpers) if we went from door-to-door?"

Alice: "About one minute if this was the first door he knocked on."

"Expectant Dad" & "The Adoption":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. They just called us 'Big' Ralph and 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"Double Anniversary":

Ralph: "Something smells good."

Ed: "It can't be me. I just got through working in the sewer."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "We got money in the bank. Don't we?"

Alice: "Yeah, we do. $3.31."

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "We must remove the mental block from the patient's subconscious mind. Do you follow?"

Ralph: "Not exactly but when you said 'Mental Block', I knew it had something to do with Norton."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "You just shattered another dream tonight. 'The Candy Store' dream we will call this one. You shattered it. When I was a kid, my dreams were shattered. I wanted a pony. I called it 'The Pony Dream.' That was shattered. My parents were broke. Both dreams shattered. The story of my life is shattered dreams."

Alice: "All right Ralph. I understand and I will make it up to you. You forget this 'Candy Store' dream and every Sunday, I will treat you to a pony ride."

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "I want to do the things that young people do. That is what makes you young."

Ralph: "You want to do that? Let's play games that young people play. Let's play house. I will be the daddy and you will be the mommy. All right Mommy CLEAN UP!"

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (reading): "'Four-letter word for place of dwelling.' I got that one. House: H-o-s-e. That is the trouble with these puzzles. They are not challenging."

Alice: "Yeah, they are easy. Easy: E-z-y."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: ""For one of a nail, a shoe is lost. For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a battle was lost. And for one of a battle, a war was lost. And for one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost."

Alice: "Why don't you get lost?"

"Play It Again, Norton":

(Ed is disguised as Ralph's son. Ed has Alice's wig on.)

Ralph: "My son has my wife's eyes."

Ed: "I also have her hair."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "All right Alice, don't give me the money and if you don't, I am walking out that door! And once I walk out that door it is for good! I will never come back in here again! I will never set foot in this building once I walk out that door! You're going to be awful lonesome around here all by yourself, Alice! Just remember; you can't put your arms around a memory!"

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you!"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph picks up the jacket that Ed put the hot iron on. The jacket is now burned.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that's my idea of a burn."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Alice: "You mean that you are going to call your boss at 11:30 Friday night?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Alice: "Ralph, that's crazy. He might be fast asleep."

Ralph: "That's his tough luck."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph is trying to butter Alice up so he can get the money from her so he could go on the Racoon Convention.)

Ralph: "That was a nice dinner that you made me."

Alice: "You liked the cold cuts."

(A slight pause.)

Ralph: "My, isn't she lovely."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm going to take a bath."

Aunt Ethel: "Would you mind if I brushed my teeth first?"

Ralph: "Give them to me and I'll do them for you."

"Goodnight Sweet Prince":

Alice: "Ed, don't you have to go to work?"

Ed: "There not too concerned about punctuality down in the sewer Alice. As a matter of fact, they think that they are lucky if we show up at all."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell Ed how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "Well, I was driving my bus. He was ready to cross the street by a traffic light and I stopped for at that traffic light because of the red light."

(Ralph looks around.)

Ralph: "Well, if I gone through the light, I may have hit him."

Ed: "You didn't save him. You saved your bus."

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "Trixie & Ed had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"A Matter of Record":

Tommy: "How about it Mr. Kramden? Do you think you can cover first base?"

Ed: "My boy, you are looking at a man that can cover the infield, outfield and all four corners of the bleachers."

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed want to get the money so they can buy Bartfled's Candy Store. Alice & Trixie won't give them the money.)

Ed: "Our money is in a joint account."

Ralph: "So what? That money is yours just as it is hers."

Ed: "There's a slight technicality there. Our joint account is in the name of Trixie and her mother."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I know New York from top to bottom."

Ed: "I have been working in the sewer for years. I know New York from bottom to top."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "When did you get those glasses?"

Ed: "About four months ago. The doctor told me that I have to wear them when I read."

Ralph: "Do they help?"

Ed: "I don't know. This is the first time I have tried them out."

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "Thank you very much for having my underwear outside all night. Now it's frozen stiff."

Alice: "I'm sorry."

Ralph: "Don't apologize. Just give me an ice pick and I will get dressed."

"The Deciding Vote":

Alice: "Ralph, what are you going to do?"

Ralph: "I will give that bum (Ed) a reference." (reading): "'How long have you known the applicant?' Too long." (reading): "'Is the applicant trustworthy?' Don't make me laugh." (reading): "'In your opinion, is the applicant a good character?' The applicant is a bum!"

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Alice: "We have to get rid of Happy. He's too big for this apartment."

Ralph: "He's too big for a zoo."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Trixie: "Hey, I got to go downtown shopping tomorrow, there's a big sale on men's shorts. .89 cents a pair! Norton could sure use some."

Alice: "So could Ralph, what sizes have they got?"

Trixie: "All sizes: 32 to 50."

Alice: "Nope, nothing there for Ralph!"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ed: "Remember last year at the Raccoon Convention in New York where the police where cracking down on people who were throwing water bags out of the hotel windows? That didn't stop me. I just filled up the bags with water and threw them out my hotel window."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "There's an honor with being Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler that is a benefit for both of us. If I'm elected Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler, we have the priviledge of free burial at the Raccoon National Cemetery? Do you know where that is? Bismark, North Dakota."

Alice: "Well, that's wonderful Ralph. Just wonderful. I always dreamed of going out west."

"Alice & The Blonde":

(Alice catches Ralph sneeking into their apartment.)

Alice: "Ralph, do you know what time it is?"

Ralph: "Yeah, it's a little after 11."

Alice: "Yeah, about three hours after 11."

"The Sleepwalker":

(Ed has been annoying Ralph while Ralph is trying to get some sleep.)

Ed: "Ralph, are you sure you don't want a kumpquat?"

Ralph (rolling over in bed, yells): "WILL YOU GET TO BED?"

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

(We learn that Ed took the bag of groceries for his lunch.)

Ed: "I have one complaint though. Those cookies were very stale."

Trixie: "What cookies?"

Ed: "Those little round ones."

Trixie: "Those were brillow pads."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is letting astrology run his life.)

Ralph: "There is nothing I can do about it. It is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"Move Uptown":

(The Kramdens and Trixie are outside.)

Ralph: "Where is Norton? We have to load the trailor."

Trixie: "I don't know."

(Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bong! Boom!)

(Ed comes out with pots and pans tied around him.)

Ralph: "Why do you have to make so much noise for?"

Ed: "Shh."

Ralph: "Don't 'shh' me."

Trixie: "Did you hurt yourself?"

Ed: "No, luckily the pots and pans broke my fall."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ralph: "The more brains people have, the less hair they got."

Alice (feeling Ralph's hair): "I rest my case."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Alice is dressed like a young woman.)

Alice: "Who is going to look at me Ralph? I'm an old woman."

Ralph: "Who would look at an old woman? An old man."

Alice: "Yeah? You should know."

"Ralph's Gone Hollywood":

Ralph: "Don't you know an assgot when you see one?"

Ed: "You certainly are."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "Don't take any pictures of Dr. Norton. He's very modest."

Ed: "I wouldn't mind a few pictures."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

George: "Gee fellas, we were already to play. Me and Harvey just went to get a cold drink."

Ralph: "Well, I hope it was pretty cold and I hope it was milk."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Mr. Mosby: "I am going to do for you what I did for my mom when she wanted a cottage."

Ed: "You are going to buy one for us?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ed: "The door is busted."

Alice: "Ed, don't be ridiculous. This is a dutch door."

Ed: "Boy those dutch people must be very short."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"Without Reservations":

(Ralph and Ed are in the run-down hotel.)

Ralph: "Would you stop with the wisecracks Norton? When the girls get here I wanna make a good impression!"

Ed: "If you wanna make a good impression, keep the door shut!"

"Box Top Kid Part One":

Trixie: "Ed believes that before you go to Europe, you should see a bit of America first. So we made a list. So far this year, we have scratched off Bayoone, Yonkers & Scranton."

Alice: "What are you going to scratch off this year?"

Trixie: "I would like to scratch off Norton."

"The Golfer":

Ralph: "I deserve that promotion, Norton - I worked hard to get it! Just because Mr. Harper doesn't know I'm alive I'm not going to get the promotion, huh? Well, it's the same ol' story: its not what you know, its who you know! If you don't have any connections you're dead. You can be the smartest guy in the world, know everything about everything, know the encyclopedia backwards and forwards. But, If you don't have any connections you get nowhere."

Ed: "Now wait a minute, I don't think that applies to every case. I didn't have any connections when I got my job in the sewer."

"Love Letter":

(Ralph and Mrs. Paterson think that Ed loves Alice but the feeling isn't matual.)

Mrs. Paterson: "Why don't you give your wife the benefit of a doubt?"

Ralph: "All right, maybe they don't love each other but if they do, they are going to have a lot of fun on the moon."

"Operation: Protest":

(Cliff just cost Ralph his job. Ralph confronts Cliff.)

Cliff (showing the peace symbol with his hand): "Peace!"

Ralph (grabbing the other finger): "Alice, grab the other finger and make a wish."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows you what you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

"The Worry Wart":

(Ralph thinks that the government is investigating him. Ed thought that Ralph put down his weight on an income tax form.)

Ralph: "Now would you mind telling me why I would put down my weight on an income tax form?"

Ed: "Why would I know? You're the one being investigated."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "When I win that $100, I am going to get myself some bowling shoes, a leather lumber jacket, and you are going to get a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Life upon the Wicked Stage":

(Alice is dressed up as a hula girl. Trixie is dressed up as a sailor. They are rehearsing for a talent contest. Ralph comes in.)

Ralph: "What are you doing and who is he?"

Alice: "That's Trixie."

Ralph (to Trixie): "All right. What are you doing and who is she (Alice)?"

"Songs & Witty Sayings":

Alice: "My mother had an offer to appear in silent pictures but she turned that down."

Ralph: "For your information, the reason why she did that was because she couldn't keep silent."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Conductor: "Gentlemen, what seems to be the trouble?"

Ralph: "What seems to be the trouble? I'll tell you what the trouble is. First, he makes his and my wife miss the train because he can't keep an eye on them. Then, he comes in here and puts handcuffs on my wrists. That isn't enough. I ask him does he want a drink of water, no. I ask him if he wants something to eat, no. He doesn't want anything until he gets up there and says that he wants a match. Then on top of everything, I have to be handcuffed to this idiot all the way to Minneapolis."

Conductor: "Minneapolis? Gentlemen, this train isn't going to Minneapolis. We are going in the other direction to Norfolk, Virginia."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ed: "How long is the lease for?"

Ralph: "The usual."

Ed: "What is the usual?"

Ralph: "99 years."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "My brothers don't eat like that."

Alice: "Your brothers don't eat like that? Then how come you are the one in the family that they call 'Skinny.'"

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "You want proof that I'm crazy? My leg won't go up."

Alice: "Your leg won't go up?"

Ralph: "That's right. I hit it with a hammer, but it didn't go up."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "When you own a house, you can go outisde, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out the door right now into the hallway and do the same thing."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph has every Raccoon believing that he knows Jackie Gleason and will get him to come to the Raccoon Dance.)

Ralph: "Do you remember the last time that the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler bought everybody a round of beer?"

Alice: "Yeah, the time that you told them that you knew Rudy Valee."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "Throw a punch at me and I will duck."

(Ed throws a punch and hits Ralph.)

Ed: "Hey, that's some ducking Ralph. I can never hit you the second time."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "Stop saying 'okay.' Say: 'That will be very good sir.'"

Thelma: "Okay."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "Oh, by the way, when Mrs. Weidmeyer comes in, it might be good if you complimented her on how she decorated this place. You know, she might give you a tip on how to fix up our place."

Alice: "I could sure use her help. I just can't figure out what color pan goes best under our ice box!"

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(One of Ralph's failed inventions that was revealed in this episode was Glow in the Dark shoeshine polish.)

Ed: "Mr. Mitchell, would you like to try shoeshine polish that glows in the dark?"

Ralph (yells): "WILL YOU SHUT UP?"

"Battle of The Sexes":

Ralph: "Don't make a sound while I take a shot. Don't even breathe."

Ed: "If I don't breathe, I will die."

Ralph: "That's okay. Just don't make any noise when you hit the floor."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "How about the time when we were playing softball and you got hit in the head with a bat? Who was it that got you a cab and took you over to the hospital? I did. Who came and saw you every day? I did. Who got you cigarettes and candy? I did."

Ed: "Who hit me in the head with a bat? You did."

"We Spy":

(Ralph & Ed greet the girls wearing Russian uniforms. They try telling the girls the story about them being mistakes for spies in Russia.)

Ralph: "Honestly I am telling the truth. Where do you think we got these clothes from?"

Alice (reading the label on Ralph's uniform): "'The Fat Man's Shop.'"

"One Big Happy Family":

Ralph: "That is my business. Driving a bus."

Alice: "If you ate more, you wouldn't be able to fit in a bus."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking that set over my dead body."

Ed: "I couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "From now on, you are to address me ina civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "Count backwards from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I have become Taurus the Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man bu it's the same old bull."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Trixie: "This set is Ed's legally."

Ralph: "Oh, so it's legally his. It's legally his. What law school did you go to? I was unaware that they had a law school at Minsky's."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ed: "Tell Ralph that he's a low-down skunk."

Alice: "Ed says that you are a low-down skunk."

Ralph: "Tell him that he's a miserable bum."

Alice: "He says that you are a miserable bum. So, Low-Down Skunk meet Miserable Bum."

"Nephew of The Bride":

(Ralph found out that Alice's Aunt Ethel and Herman are moving in since Herman lives at the YMCA. He picks up his hat and puts it on.)

Alice: "Where are you going?"

Ralph: "To the YMCA."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Your garbage can was half full. When it's full-full, then I will take it down. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here - save a trip there and it all mounts up."

Ed: "That is what I am afraid of. It's mounting up all over the building."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(The house phone is ringing.)

Ralph: "I'm not answering it. I'm not answering it. Let ir ring, ring, ring because I'm not answering it."

Alice: "But they are playing your song."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "Norton, I don't want to lose her."

(Ralph leaves. Ed sits down and starts to eat Ralph's dinner.)

Ed: "Gee, I hope he doesn't lose her too. She is such a good cook."

"The Next Champ":

(Ed accidently causes Ralph to miss his shot in pool. Ralph is angry. He hits Ed's foot with his pool cue.)

Ed: "Ow!"

(Ed hits Ralph's foot with his pool cue.)

Ralph (yells): "OW!"

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph (yells): "I'M NOT MISSING THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

Alice (yells): "YOU TRY TO WALK OUT OF THAT DOOR AND YOU WILL BE IN
THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "At least my relatives don't drop in here unexpected."

Alice: "No, they come as steady as clockwork three times a week."

"We Spy":

Ralph: "We are in a foregin country and in a foreign country, you got to live like a native.

Alice: "Ralph, in Brooklyn I live like a native."

"Six Months To Live":

Telegram Man: "I was instructed to give this letter to Mrs. Kramden."

Ralph (taking the letter): "I'm Mister Kramden."

(The telegram man holds out his hand, expecting a tip.)

Ralph: "Your hand is very dirty."

"To Whom It May Concern":

(Ralph says what he wants Ed to say in a letter to his boss.)

Ralph: "'You dirty bum!'"

Ed: "Don't you think that that is a little rough for a starter?"

Ralph: "Maybe your right. "Dear Mr. Marshall:...'"

Ed: "That's better."

Ralph: "'...You dirty bum!'"

"Expectant Dad" & "The Adoption":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. They just called us 'Big' Ralph and 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"Double Anniversary":

Ralph: "Something smells good."

Ed: "It can't be me. I just got through working in the sewer."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "We got money in the bank. Don't we?"

Alice: "Yeah, we do. $3.31."

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "We must remove the mental block from the patient's subconscious mind. Do you follow?"

Ralph: "Not exactly but when you said 'Mental Block', I knew it had something to do with Norton."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "You just shattered another dream tonight. 'The Candy Store' dream we will call this one. You shattered it. When I was a kid, my dreams were shattered. I wanted a pony. I called it 'The Pony Dream.' That was shattered. My parents were broke. Both dreams shattered. The story of my life is shattered dreams."

Alice: "All right Ralph. I understand and I will make it up to you. You forget this 'Candy Store' dream and every Sunday, I will treat you to a pony ride."

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "I want to do the things that young people do. That is what makes you young."

Ralph: "You want to do that? Let's play games that young people play. Let's play house. I will be the daddy and you will be the mommy. All right Mommy CLEAN UP!"

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (reading): "'Four-letter word for place of dwelling.' I got that one. House: H-o-s-e. That is the trouble with these puzzles. They are not challenging."

Alice: "Yeah, they are easy. Easy: E-z-y."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: ""For one of a nail, a shoe is lost. For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a battle was lost. And for one of a battle, a war was lost. And for one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost."

Alice: "Why don't you get lost?"

"Play It Again, Norton":

(Ed is disguised as Ralph's son. Ed has Alice's wig on.)

Ralph: "My son has my wife's eyes."

Ed: "I also have her hair."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Alice: "You mean that you are going to call your boss at 11:30 Friday night?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Alice: "Ralph, that's crazy. He might be fast asleep."

Ralph: "That's his tough luck."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph is trying to butter Alice up so he can get the money from her so he could go on the Racoon Convention.)

Ralph: "That was a nice dinner that you made me."

Alice: "You liked the cold cuts."

(A slight pause.)

Ralph: "My, isn't she lovely."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm going to take a bath."

Aunt Ethel: "Would you mind if I brushed my teeth first?"

Ralph: "Give them to me and I'll do them for you."

"Goodnight Sweet Prince":

Alice: "Ed, don't you have to go to work?"

Ed: "There not too concerned about punctuality down in the sewer Alice. As a matter of fact, they think that they are lucky if we show up at all."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell Ed how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "Well, I was driving my bus. He was ready to cross the street by a traffic light and I stopped for at that traffic light because of the red light."

(Ralph looks around.)

Ralph: "Well, if I gone through the light, I may have hit him."

Ed: "You didn't save him. You saved your bus."

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "Trixie & Ed had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"A Matter of Record":

Tommy: "How about it Mr. Kramden? Do you think you can cover first base?"

Ed: "My boy, you are looking at a man that can cover the infield, outfield and all four corners of the bleachers."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Nobody is 100% Alice."

Alice: "You are. You have been wrong every time."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "How long do you think it would take one man if he sold all of these (Handy Housewife Helpers) if we went from door-to-door?"

Alice: "About one minute if this was the first door he knocked on."

"Head of The House":

(Ralph just told the newspaper's questioning photographer to print him saying that the husband is the boss of the house.)

Ralph: "I'm a horse. You are a mouse."

Ed: "Let me say this. I rather be a live mouse then a dead horse."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph is playing poker. One of the boys, Sullivan left and is waiting for a bus.)

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "HEY KRAMDEN, CUT OUT THE NOISE."

Ralph: "That's that crab Garrity from upstairs."

(Ralph goes to the window, opens it up and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO SLEEP? THIS IS AMERICA. A FREE COUNTRY."

(Ralph puts his head back in the place.)

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "HEY KRAMDEN! HEY KRAMDEN!"

(Ralph sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

(Garrity douses Ralph with water. Everyone in the room laughs.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP! YOU SHUT UP TOO DOWN THERE."

Ed: "Who are you yelling at now Ralph?"

Ralph: "Sullivan. He's waiting for the bus."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph is playing poker with his friends.)

Ralph: "We said that we were going to quit at 12 and it's 2am already."

Man: "Why didn't we quit at 12?"

Ed: "Ralph was losing then."

"Ralph's Diet":

(Ralph gets on the scale.)

Ralph: "I don't need to diet anymore. I lost a pound."

Alice: "Ralph, when you lose a pound, it's like Bayoone losing a mosquito."

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

(Ralph is playing pool.)

Ralph: "I just sunk in seventeen balls to tie the house record. I am now going to break the house record and I don't want to hear a sound out of you."

Ed (accidently making Ralph miss his shot): "You won't even know that I am here."

"Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind":

Ed: "Relax Ralph. No one is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Ed: "When are they going to find one big enough?"

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "Okay Wisenheimer, I am now going to put the key where even if you knew where it was, you wouldn't be able to find it. I am going to put it right under my pillow. Now you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get it."

Ed: "Congratulations Ralph, you came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ed just won the TV set with the ticket that Ralph bought for him. Ralph is jealous.)

Ed: "It's just like the guy said: 'A lesser man would have said: 'I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me.''"

Ralph: "I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is that no-good janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be tough with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and you have to tell him off good."

Alice: "I was witing for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I am home. So, go down there and tell him off."

"Sees All, Knows All":

(The fortune teller is looking in her crystal ball.)

Fortune Teller: "It is cloudy. It is cloudy."

Ed: "Ralph, who do you know named Cloudy?"

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Ed (bringing in the cot): "Hi folks! I hope I didn't disturb your sleep."

Ralph: "No, you didn't. I get up every morningat 3am. That way, I can get a seat on the subway going to work."

"Pal O' Mine":

(Ed just showed the ring that he is going to give to his boss, Jim McKeever.)

Alice: "Why didn't you get the store where you got this from to gift-wrap it for you?"

Ed: "Oh, they got some silly rule down there. 'No gift-wrapping for any purchase less than $3."

"Box Top Kid Part One":

Trixie: "Ed believes that before you go to Europe, you should see a bit of America first. So we made a list. So far this year, we have scratched off Bayoone, Yonkers & Scranton."

Alice: "What are you going to scratch off this year?"

Trixie: "I would like to scratch off Norton."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I would say that by listening to that motor there that the amateor sprocket is causing interference which in turn causes the combustion line to interfere with the flow in the dynaflow."

Ralph: "Now what does that mean?"

Ed: "I don't know."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "One of these days, you are going to push me too far."

Alice's Mom: "The only thing that can push you is a bulldozer."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You got rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head. I got rocks in my head. I got NOTHING in my head."

"The Main Event":

(Ed is showing off his boxing skill for Dynamite.)

Ed: "Cover up your face Ralph! Cover your face! Cover your face!"

(Ralph covers his face. Ed hits him in the stomach.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!...OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!...OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! WHY DID YOU HIT ME IN THE STOMACH WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO COVER MY FACE!"

Ed (yells): "I WAS SHOWING DYNAMITE NOT TO TRUST ANYBODY IN THE RING."

"Norton Moves In" (Color):

(The Nortons come down and ask if they can spend the night since they can't stand the smell of the new paint in their house. Alice okays it. They leave. Ralph is still asleep.)

Ralph: "3am? Why did you wake me up at this time for?"

Alice: "Because the Nortons had their apartment painted today."

Ralph: "Did that newsflash just come across the radio?"

"Brother-In-Law":

Ralph: "You are a doer and I'm a thinker."

Ed: "You certainly are."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ed (looking at a map): "Here's New York City, that is where we started from. Then we go through the Lincoln Tunnel. This black dot here is Jersey City. This black dot here is Bayoone."

Ralph: "Well, Bayoone moving. That's an ant."

Ed: "Let's follow the ant. He looks like he knows where he is going."

"A Man's Pride":

Alice: "Why can't we go to the Colonade Room?"

Ralph: "Name me one truck driver who eats there?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph is at the dog pound. He just gave back Alice's dog that he hated, but slowly and surely he started not hating it.)

Ralph: "Is my dog going to get a good home?"

Man: "I hope so."

Ralph: "What do you mean by that?"

Man: "We have several dogs who are only supposed to be here for four days. We got several who are over the limit."

Ralph: "What happens to the dogs who are over the limit?"

Man: "They have to be destoryed."

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that the dog I just gave back is going to be destroyed?" (going into the room where all the dogs are, yells): "WAIT A MINUTE!"

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ed: "I know a person who died from stubbing his toe?"

Man: "Stubbing his toe? How is that possible?"

Ed: "He stubbed it on the Grand Canyon's edge."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph and Ed have just finished playing poker with ther friends.)

Ralph: "Did you ever see a sore loser like that?"

Ed: "Yes, I did. Two weeks ago when you lost."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you know that if I become Raccoon of The Year that we get the honor of free burial at the Raccoon National Cemetary? Do you know where that is? Bismark, North Dakota."

Alice: "Well, that's wonderful Ralph. Just wonderful. I always dreamed about going out west."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "Can you take a hint?"

Ed: "Yes."

Ralph: "All right." (yells): "I HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! NOW GET OUT."

Ed: "Okay, what's the hint?"

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "You can't put your arms around a memory."

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is all the janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be hard with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and tell him off good."

Alice: "I was waiting for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I'm home. So go down and tell him off."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

Bing: "Looks like you run a very democratic household Ralph."

Trixie: "Yeah, you know what happened to them in the last election."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "Nobody is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one big enough?"

"Ralph Kramden Inc."

Ed: "Is that the crunchy kind of peanut butter?"

Ralph: "Yes, it is the crunchy kind and I can prove it to you. When this jar hits your head, you will hear a crunch."

"Two-Family Car":

Ralph: "All right. You will have the car Monday-Friday. I will have the car on the weekends."

Ed: "Wait a minute. I work those days. You take the car five days and let me take the car two days."

Ralph: "Okay, your days are Wednesday and Thursday."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I don't remember the song I used to play on this cornette. I got the music right here."

(Ralph plays the cornette. No sound is heard.)

Alice: "Not so loud Ralph. You will disturb the neighbors."

"Young Man With A Horn":

(Ralph has been playing the cornete badly.)

Ralph: "Norton, would you mind taking these clothes upstairs to put on the clothesline?"

Ed: "Are you going to play the cornette?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Ed (taking the clothes): "I will be very happy too."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ed helps Ralph rehearse. Ralph is in the bedroom waiting to get out.)

Ed (reading the script): "Hello there!" (not reading): "Testing. Testing 1-2-3-4. Testing. Woof! Woof! Testing."

Ralph (opening the door): "Let's get going."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Conductor: "Gentlemen, what seems to be the trouble?"

Ralph: "What seems to be the trouble? I'll tell you what the trouble is. First, he makes his and my wife miss the train because he can't keep an eye on them. Then, he comes in here and puts handcuffs on my wrists. That isn't enough. I ask him does he want a drink of water, no. I ask him if he wants something to eat, no. He doesn't want anything until he gets up there and says that he wants a match. Then on top of everything, I have to be handcuffed to this idiot all the way to Minneapolis."

Conductor: "Minneapolis? Gentlemen, this train isn't going to Minneapolis. We are going in the other direction to Norfolk, Virginia."

"Six Months To Live" (Color):

Telegram Man: "I was instructed to give this letter to Mrs. Kramden."

Ralph (taking the letter): "I'm Mister Kramden."

(The telegram man holds out his hand, expecting a tip.)

Ralph: "Your hand is very dirty."

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

Ralph: "Norton, I must be nuts to go out every night when I have a darling wife at home."

Ed: "At least I got a good excuse."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "I don't mind if he eats like a garbage disposal, I just don't want him to sound like one."

Alice: "He has false teeth."

Ralph: "I know why. He wore out his real ones eating."

“Without Reservations”:

Ralph: "Your brother Stanley isn't coming. Stanley is a moocher, a chisler, and a bum!"

Alice: "What did you say?"

Ralph: "I said that he is a bum. Capital B-capital-u-capital-um. Bum."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph thinks he just got nominated Raccoon of The Year.)

Ralph: "Alice, something happened to me today that is probably, and without a doubt. One of the finest things to ever happen to me in my life. There isn't anything in the world that could have happened to me that is better than what happened to me today! And if you guess for a million years - for a million years - you couldn't guess what it was that happened to me today!"

Alice: "Well, there's only one thing I can think of from the way you are acting. You've been named Raccoon of the Year in that silly lodge of yours."

"A Dog's Life":

Trixie (from upstairs, yells): "OH ALICE! OH ALICE!"

Ed: "There it is. The voice of doom."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing" (1954 version):

Trixie: "Maybe the radiator needs some water."

Ralph: "Well, now that's very clever and which one of the Pep Boys are you, Manny, Moe or Jack? If I had any water, I would put it in there."

Trixie: "Ralph, I was only thinking..."

Ralph: "Well, don't think.Just keep your mouth shut."

Ed: "Just a minute. You seem to have forgotten that she's my wife and I don't like you yelling at her that way." (to Trixie, yells): "NOW STOP THINKING AND SHUT UP!"

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Alice accidently throws her pool cue.)

Alice: "I guess I wasn't supposed to do that."

Ralph: "What was that?"

Alice: "I guess I wasn't supposed to do that, wasn't I?"

Ralph: "Not if we are playing pool but if we are javelin throwing, we are."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

Ed: "I filed a laswuit once. The lawyers claimed that I didn't even have a case."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I was working in the sewer and a manhole cover fell on my head."

Ralph: "Why couldn't you win the case?"

Ed: "I couldn't prove it did any damage."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ed: "Every time I play cards, I lose. Every single time then after when I get home, I tell Trixie I lost. She gets mad at me. She hollers at me. I can't eat. I can't sleep. At work, I am sick all day."

Ralph: "Then why do you play for?"

Ed: "It's the only fun I get."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph are at the Help The Needy Society's caseworker's desk. Ralph's jacket is very ripped because of Ed Norton trying to make Ralph look like a bum.)

Ralph: "I am a needy case. Look at me."

Ed: "This is his Sunday suit."

"The Loudspeaker":

Alice: "I suppose you were cold sober the night you came home, went into the bedroom, stuck your head out and yelled: 'Hey Mrs. Gallagher, why is your cat doing in my apartment?'"

Ralph: "I'll ask you again. What was her cat doing in this apartment?"

Alice: "It wasn't her cat. You had your Racoon hat on backwards."

"Nephew of the Bride":

(Ralph wants to get rid of Aunt Ethel.)

Ed: "Why don't you put your head out the window and holler: 'Fire!'"

Ralph: "Suppose other people hear it? Then they will think the fire is real."

Ed: "Then you yell: 'Fire, Aunt Ethel.'"

"Hawaii! Oh! Oh!":

(After Ralph threatens that he and Ed are going to jump out the hotel window if the wives don't give them the money, Ed accidentally falls out.)

Ed: "I forgot. We are on the ground floor."

Ralph: "You don't know how to fall correctly."

Ed: "I would if we were on the 15th floor."

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "I want to do the things that young people do. That is what keeps you young."

Ralph: "You want to do things that young people do? Let's play games that young people play. Let's play 'House.' You'll be the mommy and I'll be the poppy. All right mommy - CLEAN UP!"

"Brother-In-Law":

Frank: "Hey Ralph, are you going to eat your soup?"

Ralph: "I'm not hungry."

Frank (about to grab the soup): "Well, I hate to see anything go to waste."

Ralph (taking the soup): "I just got hungry."

"My Fair Landlord":

(Ralph has just complained to Mr. Olsen that he does nothing for the apartment building. Ralph leaves.)

Mr. Olsen: "Your husband has got a lot of nerve saying that to me Mrs. Kramden. I do plenty around here. Last night, I was up until midnight waxing the stairs..."

Ralph (falling down the stairs, yells): "DUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "When the girls get here, I want them to get a good impression. So keep your mouth shut."

Ed: "If you want them to have a good impression, keep the door shut."

"In Twenty-Five Words or Less":

Ed: "Hey, why don't you name the dog 'Ralph'?"

Ralph: "'Ralph?'"

Ed: "Yeah, that way not only people can call him, dogs can call him. Ralph. Ralph."

(Ed makes barking sounds.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Cupid Part 1":

Ed: "Is Ralph home?"

Alice: "No."

Ed: "He must be out with some blonde."

"The Safety Award":

Ralph: "A group of men are picked to do a job, trained in the same fashion as each other, and there's always one man in the group that stands out far in front of the others."

Ed: "If you stood out any more in front you wouldn't be able to get behind the wheel of a bus!"

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: (going to play the coronet) "I dont know if I rememeber this song I got the music right here."

Alice : "Stand back Ed this is liable to be messy."

Ralph: "You're liable to be messy in a about 5 seconds from now!!"

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "All right Alice, don't give me the money and if you don't, I am walking out that door! And once I walk out that door it is for good! I will never come back in here again! I will never set foot in this building once I walk out that door! You're going to be awful lonesome around here all by yourself, Alice! Just remember; you can't put your arms around a memory!"

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you!"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph picks up the jacket that Ed put the hot iron on. The jacket is now burned.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that's my idea of a burn."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Alice: "You mean that you are going to call your boss at 11:30 Friday night?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Alice: "Ralph, that's crazy. He might be fast asleep."

Ralph: "That's his tough luck."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph is trying to butter Alice up so he can get the money from her so he could go on the Racoon Convention.)

Ralph: "That was a nice dinner that you made me."

Alice: "You liked the cold cuts."

(A slight pause.)

Ralph: "My, isn't she lovely."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm going to take a bath."

Aunt Ethel: "Would you mind if I brushed my teeth first?"

Ralph: "Give them to me and I'll do them for you."

"Goodnight Sweet Prince":

Alice: "Ed, don't you have to go to work?"

Ed: "There not too concerned about punctuality down in the sewer Alice. As a matter of fact, they think that they are lucky if we show up at all."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell Ed how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "Well, I was driving my bus. He was ready to cross the street by a traffic light and I stopped for at that traffic light because of the red light."

(Ralph looks around.)

Ralph: "Well, if I gone through the light, I may have hit him."

Ed: "You didn't save him. You saved your bus."

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "Trixie & Ed had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"A Matter of Record":

Tommy: "How about it Mr. Kramden? Do you think you can cover first base?"

Ed: "My boy, you are looking at a man that can cover the infield, outfield and all four corners of the bleachers."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Just remember; you can't put your arms around a memory!"

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you!"

"Brother-In-Law":

Ralph: "I'm the boss. You're nothing."

Alice: "Big deal. You are the boss over nothing."

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and anybody."

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(Ed is gving the bottles to Ralph and saying what each and every bottle has. He picks up one of the bottles.)

Ed: "This is a tough one. 'Oliveoil.'"

(Ralph picks up the bottle and looks at the label.)

Ralph: "'Oliveoil?'" (yells): "THAT'S OLIVE OIL."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "There isn't anything in this world that's going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow and talking to Ed's boss."

Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you could fit through."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph. You're my husband."

Ralph: "No, I'm your brother."

"Without Reservations":

(Everybody is in the run-down hotel.)

Ralph: "We don't have to get the hotel ready until they build the highway."

Alice: "I think it would be easier if they built the hotel and we built the highway."

"Without Reservations":

(Everybody is in their respective uniforms. Ed's bellhop uniform barely fits.)

Ralph: "Are there any questions?"

Ed: "Yeah, how do I get out of this chicken outfit?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "You are so funny that I am going to put you in my act. It's going to be called: 'Punch & Judy.' And you are going to be Judy."

Alice: "And you are going to be Punchy."

Ed: "Punchy. Ha ha ha."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "SHUT UP!"

"The Deciding Vote":

(Ralph turns on the vaccum cleaner. It doesn't work.)

Ed: "I think that motor needs a drop or erl."

Ralph: "Yeah, that is all that it needs. A drop of oil."

Alice: "A drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ralph: "You know the condition that I am in. You know that I can't do anything by myself."

Alice: "How did you get out here?"

Ralph: "Don't change the subject."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ed: "I know a man that died from stubbing his toe."

Man: "How is that possible?"

Ed: "He stubbed it on the edge of the Grand Canyon."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "Good thing that I have a brain to figure these things out for us."

Ed: "You sure do Ralph. You can think of smart things to get yourself out of the dumb things that you get yourself into."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph and Ed have just finished playing poker with ther friends.)

Ralph: "Did you ever see a sore loser like that?"

Ed: "Yes, I did. Two weeks ago when you lost."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you know that if I become Raccoon of The Year that we get the honor of free burial at the Raccoon National Cemetary? Do you know where that is? Bismark, North Dakota."

Alice: "Well, that's wonderful Ralph. Just wonderful. I always dreamed about going out west."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "Can you take a hint?"

Ed: "Yes."

Ralph: "All right." (yells): "I HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! NOW GET OUT."

Ed: "Okay, what's the hint?"

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "You can't put your arms around a memory."

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is all the janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be hard with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and tell him off good."

Alice: "I was waiting for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I'm home. So go down and tell him off."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Alice: "You mean that you are going to call your boss at 11:30 Friday night?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Alice: "Ralph, that's crazy. He might be fast asleep."

Ralph: "That's his tough luck."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph is trying to butter Alice up so he can get the money from her so he could go on the Racoon Convention.)

Ralph: "That was a nice dinner that you made me."

Alice: "You liked the cold cuts."

(A slight pause.)

Ralph: "My, isn't she lovely."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm going to take a bath."

Aunt Ethel: "Would you mind if I brushed my teeth first?"

Ralph: "Give them to me and I'll do them for you."

"Goodnight Sweet Prince":

Alice: "Ed, don't you have to go to work?"

Ed: "There not too concerned about punctuality down in the sewer Alice. As a matter of fact, they think that they are lucky if we show up at all."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell Ed how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "Well, I was driving my bus. He was ready to cross the street by a traffic light and I stopped for at that traffic light because of the red light."

(Ralph looks around.)

Ralph: "Well, if I gone through the light, I may have hit him."

Ed: "You didn't save him. You saved your bus."

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "Trixie & Ed had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"A Matter of Record":

Tommy: "How about it Mr. Kramden? Do you think you can cover first base?"

Ed: "My boy, you are looking at a man that can cover the infield, outfield and all four corners of the bleachers."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Nobody is 100% Alice."

Alice: "You are. You have been wrong every time."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "How long do you think it would take one man if he sold all of these (Handy Housewife Helpers) if we went from door-to-door?"

Alice: "About one minute if this was the first door he knocked on."

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "How can you be so icky?"

Ralph: "Icky?"

Alice: "You are a termite Ralph. Strickly out of the wood."

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "What does 'icky' mean?"

Ed: "I don't know. Why?"

Ralph: "Alice just said that I was icky."

Ed: "Must mean fat."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is all the janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be hard with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and tell him off good."

Alice: "I was waiting for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I'm home. So go down and tell him off."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ed: "Why don't you take Stanley and Sally to your apartment to see how you and Alice get along?"

Ralph: "I want to postpone the wedding. Not cancel it forever."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "My mistake was not going to a wedding the day I got married."

Alice: "What did you say? What did you say?"

Ralph: "I don't chew my cabbage twice."

"Poor People of Paris":

Ralph: "If I were you, I wouldn't go out in May."

Ed: "Why?"

Ralph: "Because that is when they gather nuts."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows you what you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(It's Alice's birthday and Ralph has forgotten it.)

Alice: "Ralph, you do remember what today is?"

Ralph: "Sure, it's my pool night."

Alice's Mom: "See? He's good for nothing."

Ralph: "How do you know? You never saw me shoot pool."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Maybe your sisters have it better than we have. But, I have more expenses. I got more expenses than all of them put together."

Alice: "Sure Ralph, they don't get suits for their husbands from The Fat Man's Shop."

"TV or Not TV":

(Ralph is trying to tell Alice that he has more money in is wallet than Ed.)

Ralph: "I have it here."

(Ralph points to his hip pocket.)

Alice: "You have it here..." (Points to her left hip.) "...you have it here..." (Points to her right hip.) "...and you have it here." (Points to her stomach.)

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "What is the first thing that a person has to do if he wants to sell something?"

Ed: "Well, first they look your name (Ralph's) in the phonebook and then they try to sell it to you."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "What kind of life do you think that I lead in this city driving a bus all day? What do I hear? Taxi horns, police whistles, fire engines, breaks schreeching and people hollering. When I finish my work and come home what do I hear? Babies crying, garbage cans-a-rattlin', peddles-a-yellin'. I ask you. What do I have to do to get a little peace and quiet?"

Alice: "Why don't you shut up?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ralph: "The person who lent me this place was an ex-GI."

Alice: "Who was he, Benedict Arnold?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ed: "I know a person who died from stubbing his toe?"

Man: "Stubbing his toe? How is that possible?"

Ed: "He stubbed it on the Grand Canyon's edge."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

Bing: "Looks like you run a very democratic household Ralph."

Trixie: "Yeah, you know what happened to them in the last election."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "The theater has been in me all my life."

Alice: "Yeah, I knew that that wasn't your stomach. It was the balcony."

"The Golfer":

(Ralph picks up the cotton ball.)

Ralph (yells): "OW! IT HAS PINS IN IT."

Ed: "What did you expect. chicken noddles?"

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "One of these days, you are going to push me too far."

Alice's Mom: "The only thing that can push you is a bulldozer."

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph is playing pinball.)

Ed: "You can still come up empty you know."

Ralph: "Empty? The only thing that is empty around here is your head."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I am going to get the $300 Alice. I am going to get the $300 if I have to sell everything in this house."

Alice: "Fine. But what are you going to do about the other $280?"

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

(Alice's Uncle George is coming to visit. Ralph hates him and wants to go to the fights.)

Ralph (yells): "I AM NOT GOING TO MISS THE YEAR'S BEST FIGHT."

Alice (yells): "LISTEN HERE. YOU WALK OUT OF THAT DOOR AND YOU WILL BE IN THE YEAR'S BEST FIGHT."

"The Main Event":

(Ed is showing off his boxing skill for Dynamite.)

Ed: "Cover up your face Ralph! Cover your face! Cover your face!"

(Ralph covers his face. Ed hits him in the stomach.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!...OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWW!...OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! WHY DID YOU HIT ME IN THE STOMACH WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO COVER MY FACE!"

Ed (yells): "I WAS SHOWING DYNAMITE NOT TO TRUST ANYBODY IN THE RING."

"King of The Castle":

(Ed shows his bandage on his head to Ralph.)

Ralph: "What happened to you?"

Ed: "When I said to Trixie that I am the King of The Castle, Trixie crowned me."

"A Dog's Life":

Ralph: "Gee, I remember when I used to weigh 165. Did you see me when I weighed 165?"

Ed: "No Ralph. I never did see your baby pictures."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "Talk is cheap."

Alice: "It must be or you would have never opened your mouth."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Your garbage can was half-full. When it's full-full, then I will take it down. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here - save a trip there and it all mounts up."

Ed: "That is what I am afraid of. It's mounting up all over the building."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Head of The House"):

Ralph: "There would be no America if it wasn't for Christopher Columbus."

Alice: "There would be no Christopher Columbus if it wasn't for his mother."

"Catch A Star":

Ralph: "Where would we be if Christopher Columbus hadn't taken the chance and discovered America?"

Alice: "We would be in Italy and you would be telling everyone that you knew Gina Lolobrigida."

"Dinner Guest":

Ralph: "Every man in history has had a woman behind him. Christopher Columbus had Isabella. Napoleon had Josephine."

Alice: "Oh, don't tell me that you are comparing yourself to Napoleon."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Yeah Ralph, tell him how you once saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "Well, Jackie Gleason walked across the street, and I stopped for a red light."

(Ralph looks at both Ed & Alice.)

Ralph: "Well, if I had gone through the red light, I would have hit him."

Ed: "You didn't save him. You saved your bus."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Nobody is 100%."

Alice: "You are. You have been wrong every time."

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "As time wore on, I grew older. I matured."

Ralph: "Yeah, now you are a full-grown nut."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Alice: "Mom's apartment is not getting any smaller."

Ed: "No, but Ralph is getting bigger."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

(Ralph & Ed are thinking of a slogan for Flakey-Wakey's Cereal.)

Ralph: "Flakey-wakey's add to the taste..."

Ed: "...but take away from your fat little waist."

Happy Columbus Day!

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "Ed, you didn't get the job of sewer inspector."

Ed: "No, I washed out."

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that is strong enough to do that."

"Young At Heart":

(Ralph has just said that he has a lot of memories that is attached to his cornette.)

Ralph: "What is a sock doing in my cornette?"

Alice: "It must be one of those tender memories that is attached to it."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "Face it Alice. You are living off the fat of the land."

Alice: "Face it Ralph. You ARE the fat of the land."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "I have an itch."

Alice: "Scratch it yourself."

Ralph: "I can't reach it."

Alice: "Well, you are Taurus the Bull. Swipe at it with your tail."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed (reading his astrology book): "A Taurus the Bull seldom loses his temper, shows great wisdom in all financial matters and is extremely attractive to the opposite sex."

Ralph: "That is me all right."

"Operation: Protest":

(Ralph comes home at is VERY angry at Clifford for making him lose his job.)

Cliff (holding up two fingers on one hand): "Peace."

Ralph (grabbing one oh his fingers): "Alice, grab the other finger and make a wish."

"Double Trouble":

Alice: "There are two Ralphs."

Ed: "You mean that all the wieght Ralph lost last year made another Ralph?"

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "I'm a failure."

Ed: "I could have told you that ten years ago."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

(Harvey just saw Ralph "KO" somebody.)

Harvey: "That is some punch you got there."

Ralph: "It wasn't anything. I hurt him with my bad hand."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows how much you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

"The Prowler":

Ed: "I came by to tell you to put some stuff up against the door."

Ralph: "Thank you but I have already done that."

Ed: "How did I get in?"

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Alice: "I'll go get a flashlight for you."

Ralph: "I don't need one."

(Ralph leaves and falls down the stairs. Alice comes by the door. He comes back.)

Ralph: "Well, don't just stand there. Get me a flashlight."

"Letter To The Boss":

(Ralph thinks that he has been fired. He lists all the jobs that are listed in the paper.)

Alice: "What is wrong with those jobs?"

Ralph: "Nothing except they are listed under: 'Help Wanted: Women!'"

"Dial J For Janitor":

(The house phone is buzzing.)

Ralph: "I'm not answering it. I'm not answering it. It can ring, ring, ring, but I am not answering it."

Alice: "But they are playing your song."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "You are so funny that I am going to put you in my act. I am going to call the act 'Punch & Judy' and you are going to be Judy."

Alice: "And you are going to be Punchy."

Ed: "Punchy. Ha ha ha ha ha."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "SHUT UP!"

"Petticoat Jungle":

Ralph: "You are going to wear the bathing suit that I gave you."

Alice: "I can't wear that suit Ralph. It has a whole in the knee."

"Six Months To Live" (Color):

Telegram Man: "I was instructed to give this letter to Mrs. Kramden."

Ralph (taking the letter): "I'm Mister Kramden."

(The telegram man holds out his hand, expecting a tip.)

Ralph: "Your hand is very dirty."

"The Deciding Vote":

(Ralph turns on the vaccum cleaner. It doesn't work.)

Ed: "I think that motor needs a drop or erl."

Ralph: "Yeah, that is all that it needs. A drop of oil."

Alice: "A drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Alice: "I read in a magazine once where they said 50% of the pain is mental. 50% of that toothache is here (in the mouth). The other 50% is here (head)."

Ralph: "For your information, 100% of it is in here (mouth). There is nothing up there (head)."

"Pal O' Mine":

Ralph: "Is there any lard around here?"

Alice: "Yeah, about 300 lbs. of it."

"Pal O' Mine":

(Ed just showed the ring that he is going to give to his boss, Jim McKeever.)

Alice: "Why didn't you get the store where you got this from to gift-wrap it for you?"

Ed: "Oh, they got some silly rule down there. 'No gift-wrapping for any purchase less than $3."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The boys come home.)

Ralph: "Shh! Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What?"

Ralph: "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shh! Alice is asleep.'"

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

Ralph: "This furniture is good for me."

Alice: "Sure it is. But, just because you are a Raccoon doens't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Peacemaker":

Ralph: "You know that when I lay down on that bed, it takes me an hour to get to sleep."

Alice: "Remarkable. Every night for fifty-nine minutes, you snore before you go to sleep."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed comes out with a sailboat. Ralph wants to take a bath.)

Ralph: "You don't mean to tell me that you kept me waiting out here for 20 minutes while you were in there playing with a boat in the tub?"

Ed: "I'm sorry Ralph. This is a new boat. We were on the Shakedown Cruise!"

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph and Mrs. Paterson think that Ed loves Alice but the feeling isn't matual.)

Mrs. Paterson: "Why don't you give your wife the benefit of a doubt?"

Ralph: "All right, maybe they don't love each other but if they do, they are going to have a lot of fun on the moon."

"Ship Of Fools":

(The photographer feels Alice's leg.)

Ralph (yells): "HEY! HEY! HEY!"

Alice: "All he wants is a little chesse cake."

Ralph: "Why doesn't he go to a deli then?"

"Norton Moves In" (Color):

(The Nortons come down and ask if they can spend the night since they can't stand the smell of the new paint in their house. Alice okays it. They leave. Ralph is still asleep.)

Ralph: "3am? Why did you wake me up at this time for?"

Alice: "Because the Nortons had their apartment painted today."

Ralph: "Did that newsflash just come across the radio?"

"Brother-In-Law":

Ralph: "You are a doer and I'm a thinker."

Ed: "You certainly are."

"A Man's Pride":

Alice: "Why can't we go to the Colonade Room?"

Ralph: "Name me one truck driver who eats there?"

"Better Living Through TV":

Trixie: "Someday Ed, you are going to ask me to do something for you."

Ed: "I am asking you right now. Leave."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "This is only one of the branches of this bank."

Ed: "That is good for us."

Ralph: "Why?"

Ed: "Because if he doesn't give us the money, we can borrow a few bucks from each of the other branches."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "Why did you have to wear that tie?"

Ed: "What is wrong with it?"

Ralph: "Look at the stain on it."

Ed: "That is all right. It's pot roast."

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I would like to have my coffee with one lump."

(Ed rings bell.)

Thelma: "You keep ringing that bell like that and you will get one lump."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Trixie: "On the bus there are two empty seats and who sits in those seats?"

Alice: "Ralph."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Mr. Faversham says I have something that stretches from the theater and goes out into the audience."

Alice (patting Ralph's stomach): "You certainly do."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Ed & Ralph are doing a crossword puzzle.)

Ed: "Sofa." (writing): "S-o-f..." (not writing): "What is that an A or an E?"

Ralph: "It's A or E."

Ed (writing): "A or E."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Ralph is eating two celery sticks.)

Alice: "How do you like your dinner Ralph?"

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that was my dinner." (holding up the knife and fork): "What are these for, to commit suicidue with?"

"Peacemaker":

Alice: "Ed is gone."

Ralph: "I know that he is. I knew that the first day I met him."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(It's Ed's birthday and Ralph wants to get off cheaply.)

Alice: "Ed took you to the Kit Kat Klub on your birthday."

Ralph: 'Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested the Copa Cabana."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ed: "Take it from the top Norton."

(Ed is sitting on the piano.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Ed (yells): "YOU TOLD ME TO TAKE IT FROM THE TOP."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Alice is dresssed up as a young lady.)

Alice: "Who is going to look at me Ralph. I'm an old woman."

Ralph: "Who would look at an old woman? An old man."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "When you own a house, you can go outisde, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out the door right now into the hallway and do the same thing."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph has every Raccoon believing that he knows Jackie Gleason and will get him to come to the Raccoon Dance.)

Ralph: "Do you remember the last time that the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler bought everybody a round of beer?"

Alice: "Yeah, the time that you told them that you knew Rudy Valee."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "Throw a punch at me and I will duck."

(Ed throws a punch and hits Ralph.)

Ed: "Hey, that's some ducking Ralph. I can never hit you the second time."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "Stop saying 'okay.' Say: 'That will be very good sir.'"

Thelma: "Okay."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "Oh, by the way, when Mrs. Weidmeyer comes in, it might be good if you complimented her on how she decorated this place. You know, she might give you a tip on how to fix up our place."

Alice: "I could sure use her help. I just can't figure out what color pan goes best under our ice box!"

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(One of Ralph's failed inventions that was revealed in this episode was Glow in the Dark shoeshine polish.)

Ed: "Mr. Mitchell, would you like to try shoeshine polish that glows in the dark?"

Ralph (yells): "WILL YOU SHUT UP?"

"Battle of The Sexes":

Ralph: "Don't make a sound while I take a shot. Don't even breathe."

Ed: "If I don't breathe, I will die."

Ralph: "That's okay. Just don't make any noise when you hit the floor."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "How about the time when we were playing softball and you got hit in the head with a bat? Who was it that got you a cab and took you over to the hospital? I did. Who came and saw you every day? I did. Who got you cigarettes and candy? I did."

Ed: "Who hit me in the head with a bat? You did."

"We Spy":

(Ralph & Ed greet the girls wearing Russian uniforms. They try telling the girls the story about them being mistakes for spies in Russia.)

Ralph: "Honestly I am telling the truth. Where do you think we got these clothes from?"

Alice (reading the label on Ralph's uniform): "'The Fat Man's Shop.'"

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Fred: "You will have to eat as much to help you stay alive Ralph."

Ed: "Even that will be too much."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ralph: "Why your sister married that loud blowhard, I will never know."

Alice: "She did so because you were already married."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "A derrick can't me out of this chair."

Alice: "A good big one might be able to."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ralph: "I am trying to put some weight on my broken leg."

Ed: "You are just the boy that could do it."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I wish Trixie could make icing that tastes as good as this."

Alice: "Icing? Ed, that is starch."

Ed: "It is?"

(Ed tastes it again.)

Ed: "I still wish that Trixie would make icing that tastes as good as this."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph: "When did you ever catch anything?"

Alice: "15 years ago. I caught 300 lbs. of blubber."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ed: "It's not like I don't want you to lend me the money. It is what you don't do with it."

Ralph: "What?"

Ed: "You don't pay me back."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I found out that I am Taurus The Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man, but it's the same old bull."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "The theater has been in me all my life."

Alice: "Yeah, I knew that that wasn't your stomach. It was the balcony."

"Hero Part 1":

Tommy: "He (Mr. Kramden) was a a great end in football."

Ed: "Great? Probably the biggest end in the business."

"Hero Part 1":

Alice: "Let me tell you something Ralph. When was the last time you lifted 400 pounds?"

Ed: "This morning when he got out of bed."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ralph: "While I am gone, don't you even think about giving away this
furniture."

Alice: "I tried, but they wouldn't accept it."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Ralph: "After tonight, I may have my own pooltable in my apartment."

Ed: "If you do, you will probably have to stand on the sink to make a shot."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ralph: "Are you sure that that suitcase can hold $40,000,000? Why don't you cut pieces of paper into the sizes of dollar bills and find out."

(Ed opens the suitcase to reveal that he did just that.)

Ed: "Small details."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "Norton, do you like the furniture here?"

Ed: "Yeah."

Ralph (to Alice): "There you are."

Ed: "Of course. I don't live here."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph tries to butter up Alice.)

Ralph: "Do you know how foolish I am going out every night when I have a beautiful wife at home?"

Ed: "At least I got a good excuse."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "Norton, I'm going to remember you in my will. I'm leaving you my bowling shoes."

Ed: "Boy, thanks pal. I was just going to go out and buy myself a new pair of bowling shoes! This couldn't happen at a better time!"

"Be It Ever So Humble":

(The gang is in the broken-down home.)

Ed: "How long is this lease for?"

Ralph: "The usual."

Ed: "How long is that?"

Ralph "99 years."

Ed: "99 years?"

Ralph: "Yes, 99 years. That's what America gets from Great Britian when they do that lend-lease stuff."

Ed: "Yeah, but this place isn't exactly Bermuda."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

(Alice laughs at Ralph's "Death letter.")

Alice: "This is a riot."

Ralph: "This is a riot. We will see how much of a riot it is when you have to finish the payments on the ice box."

"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "I am going to count to 10 and when I do, I am going to belt you."

Ed: "I am not scared of you. If you could count to 10, you wouldn't be investigated by the IRS."

Ralph (yells): "OUT!"

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

Alice: "Hi Ed."

Ed: "Whaddaya say Alice?" (to Ralph): "Hello Skinny."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "Loans are a bank's lifeblood."

Ralph: "Good because we are in desparate need of a transfusion."

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "Tell them Alice. Do I wear a girdle?"

Alice: "No."

Ralph: "There you are."

Alice: "He wanted one but they don't make them that big."

"Mexican Hat Trick":

Ralph: "Well Norton, do I look like a gay Cabrello?"

Ed: "Let me see you walk."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

(Alice warns Ralph about his behavior towards Uncle Howard.)

Alice: "You are going to say: `Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts.'"

Ralph: "Don't worry."

(The butler comes in and Ralph thinks it is Uncle Howard.)

Ralph: "Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Trixie was down here and she said that she saw you on the show."

Ralph: "She was? Well, what did she say?"

Alice: "Well, she said that she was the biggest thing on TV."

"You're In The Picture":

(Ralph is dressed as a matador while Ed has bulls horns. Ed is warming up.)

Ralph (yells): "COME ON!"

Ed (yells): "I'M WARMING UP IN THE BULLPEN!"

(Ed charges like a bull and misses Ralph. Ed then decides to stick the horns in Ralph's backside.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHH!"

"Better Living Through TV":

(Ed is wearing one of Trixie's dresses.)

Trixie: "Do you have to smkoe that cigar?"

Ed: "Please, it's the only link left to the old me."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking that set over my dead body."

Ed: "I couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "How can I get there as fast as you Alice?"

Ed: "Take off 90 pounds."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "We will see hamburges, hot dogs, flapjacks, pizza pies..."

Ed: "And we will widen the front door."

Ralph: "Why would we do that?"

Ed: "With all that food, how are you going to get in and out?"

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "What could I guy want that is down in the sewer that he needs $2 right away?"

Ed: "Today is pay day, and the guys have a dice going around down there. Well, you might as well call it a floating crap game."

"In 25 Words Or Less":

(The waiter makes crepe zuzzets [Franch pancakes], he starts a fire on his grill. Ralph sees it and puts the fire out with a fire extinguisher.)

Ralph: "It's a good thing I was here or the whole boat would have been on fire."

Alice: "Ralph, those were French pancakes."

Ralph: "I don't care what started the fire."

"In 25 Words Or Less":

Ralph: "Flakey Wakey's add to the taste..."

Ed: "But take away from your fat little waist."

"Ship Of Fools":

Ed: "I went to Europe once."

Man: "Did you enjoy it?"

Ed: "No, the Germans kept shooting at me."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy that Ed put down.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR? YOU GOT RID OF THE HIC-OFFS, DIDN'T YOU?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "Grogan, if you had two tickets to a World Series game and your sister-in-law was going to get married at the same time as the game, where would you go?"

Grogan: "I would go to the wedding."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph: "You mean that fter taking one look at that Carlos, you are going to give him Trixie's potato salad?"

Ed: "Of course. This will fix his wagon. Before I started eating Trixie's cooking, I was a regular Clark Gable."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "Just for that remark Alice, when we get to Fred's Landing, I won't introduce you to Fred."

Alice: "From this blow, I may never recover."

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

(Ralph gets hurt by Norton's lit cigarette that Norton accidently dropped.)

Alice: "What happened?"

Ralph (yells): "NORTON WANTED TO HAVE A CIGARETTE."

Alice: "So?"

Ralph (yells): "HE USED ME FOR AN ASHTRAY."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Alice: "How could you even think of going to the movies when Ed took you to the Kit Kat Club on your birthday?"

Ralph: "Did I ask him to take me there? Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested going to the Copa."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I don't remember the song I used to play on this cornette. I got the music right here."

(Ralph plays the cornette. No sound is heard.)

Alice: "Not so loud Ralph. You will disturb the neighbors."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Jackie Gleason is in the other room.)

Ed: "Why do you think everyone gave Jackie the nickname 'The Fat One'?"

Ralph: "That's 'The Great One.'"

"Oh My Aching Back":

Ralph (yelling in pain): "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA!"

(Alice comes out.)

Alice: "What was that?"

Ralph: "I was just yawning."

Alice: "Yawning? It sounded like feeding time at the zoo."

"A Matter of Record":

Ralph: "How could you be so stupid Norton? Why would you want to go? You know the ending as well as I do."

Ed: "You call me stupid? You call me stupid? It just so happens that it makes no difference to me what the ending of the play is. I will just wait until it gets real close to the end of the show and I will get up and walk out."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(Ralph brings out a small fish.)

Alice: "This was the big fish that you had the tug-of-war with?"

Ralph: "He lost a lot of weight during the fight."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "It's a good thing that you weren't married to Alex Graham Bell or he would have never invented the phone."

Alice: "It makes no difference in my life. We don't have one."

Ralph: "With your mouth, we don't need one."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

G.F.: "I am going to put you in a state of hypnosis."

Ed: "Promise you won't hurt me?"

"Boy Next Door":

Ralph: "My dad once said this: 'For one of a sock, a shoe was lost. For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a war was lost. For one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost.'"

Alice: "Yeah? Why don't you get lost?"

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ralph: "The more brains men have, the less hair they got."

(Alice puts her fingers in Ralph's hair.)

Alice: "I rest my case."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "The bills will get bigger and bigger and I will have less to eat. I will start losing weight. Then, do you know what I will look like?"

Alice: "Yeah, a human being."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

Bing: "Looks like you run a very democratic household Ralph."

Trixie: "Yeah, you know what happened to them in the last election."

"Hero Part 1":

Tommy: "He (Mr. Kramden) was a a great end in football."

Ed: "Great? Probably the biggest end in the business."

"Hero Part 1":

Alice: "Let me tell you something Ralph. When was the last time you lifted 400 pounds?"

Ed: "This morning when he got out of bed."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ralph: "While I am gone, don't you even think about giving away this
furniture."

Alice: "I tried, but they wouldn't accept it."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Ralph: "After tonight, I may have my own pooltable in my apartment."

Ed: "If you do, you will probably have to stand on the sink to make a shot."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ralph: "Are you sure that that suitcase can hold $40,000,000? Why don't you cut pieces of paper into the sizes of dollar bills and find out."

(Ed opens the suitcase to reveal that he did just that.)

Ed: "Small details."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "Norton, do you like the furniture here?"

Ed: "Yeah."

Ralph (to Alice): "There you are."

Ed: "Of course. I don't live here."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph tries to butter up Alice.)

Ralph: "Do you know how foolish I am going out every night when I have a beautiful wife at home?"

Ed: "At least I got a good excuse."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "Norton, I'm going to remember you in my will. I'm leaving you my bowling shoes."

Ed: "Boy, thanks pal. I was just going to go out and buy myself a new pair of bowling shoes! This couldn't happen at a better time!"

"Be It Ever So Humble":

(The gang is in the broken-down home.)

Ed: "How long is this lease for?"

Ralph: "The usual."

Ed: "How long is that?"

Ralph "99 years."

Ed: "99 years?"

Ralph: "Yes, 99 years. That's what America gets from Great Britian when they do that lend-lease stuff."

Ed: "Yeah, but this place isn't exactly Bermuda."

"Without Reservations":

(The boys are in the broken-down hotel.)

Ralph: "When the girls see this place, they may not see the business possibilities of it. You know they can't see their nose in front of their face."

Ed: "That is the only hope we got."

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in the broken-down hotel.)

Ralph: "After all, we don't have to finish this hotel until they get the highway built."

Trixie: "I think it would be easier if they built the hotel and we built the highway."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

Ralph: "You know the condition that I am in. You know I can't do anything by myself."

Alice: "How did you walk out here?"

Ralph: "Don't change the subject."

"Cottage for Sale Part 1":

(Ralph tells Alice that he will get the money for the cottage from his life insurance. Alice thinks that that is crazy.)

Alice: "You got rocks in your head Ralph."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head? I got rocks in my head? I got nothing in my head."

"Unconventional Behavior":

(Ralph invites Alice to come along so he can get money for the convention. Alice was going to give him the money anyway. The men are upset that they know that Alice, and subsequently Trixie are coming along.)

Ed: "Can I ask you a question? How do you get us in these fixes?"

Ralph: "Very simple. Very simple Norton." (yells): "I HAVE A BIIIIIIG MOUTH!"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Two Men on a Horse Part 1":

(Ralph is trying to scrape money to make up for the lodge money he lost.)

Ralph: "All I could scrape together was $6."

Ed: "Why don't you hock Alice's wedding ring?"

Ralph: "Where do you think I got the $6 from?"

"Man in the Blue Suit":

Ralph: "I want you to know Alice that it was pretty lonely around here without you."

Trixie: "Oh Ed, why don't you talk to me like that?"

Ed: "I would if you just go away every once and a while."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph: "When did you ever catch anything?"

Alice: "15 years ago. I caught 300 pounds of blubber."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Doctor: "This is an aptitude test Mr. Kramden. You are supposed to take an object and fit it in its respective hole."

Ed: "Can three people play?"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "This furnutire is good enough for me."

Alice: "Sure it is. But just because that you are a Raccoon doesn't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph (to Carlos): "It's easy for you to play Sir Galahad. You don't work. When you work, you dance. That's not work. When we work, we work. Dirty work. Just take a look at my friends hands and mine and yours."

Ed: "It's not fair to compare my hands to his. I got mine in water all day."

"On Stage":

(Ralph is thinking of how to greet the Raccoons in his letters.)

Ed: "How about 'Greetings!'?"

Ralph: "'Greetings?'"

Ed: "Yeah, the draft board did pretty good with that one."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(The car won't start.)

Trixie: "Ralph, it might help if you turned the ignition key."

Ralph: "I was just about to do that. I just wanted to see if the battery was alive."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "First you almost made me lose my hearing. Then, you try to electricute me. Why don't you help me some more, run over me with the car?"

Ed: "I can't get the car started."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "I am a nobody."

Ed: "I could have told you that 10 years ago."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "The bills will get bigger and bigger and I will have less to eat. I will start losing weight. Then, do you know what I will look like?"

Alice: "Yeah, a human being."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Alice: "Have you told Trixie about the change in vacation plans. I know that she wanted to go to Atlantic City."

Ed: "Trixie will go where I want to go."

Ralph: "Atta boy pal! Put your foot down."

Alice: "What are you going to do if she puts up a squawk?"

Ed: "Very simple. I will tell her that Atlantic City is closed for the summer."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "If this lodge doesn't get any money soon, there won't be a lodge. Do you know what happened yesterday? Yesterday, the ACME Finance Company came and took out the pool table. The day before that, they took out the phongraph. The day before that, they took out the pool table. What are we going to do Norton?"

Ed: "Well, we can always hold our meetings at the ACME Finance Company."

"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What is your wife's name?"

Ralph: "Mrs. Kramden."

"Expectant Father":

Ed: "Why don't we ask who isn't having the baby and ask HER?"

Ralph: "You have been hit on the head by one too many manhole covers."

"Expectant Father":

Ed: "The sewer was swarming with FBI men."

Trixie: "FBI men? What were they doing in the sewer?"

Ed: "They were looking for wetbacks who were trying to beat the crosstown traffic."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "My mistake was not going to a ballgame instead of getting married."

Alice: "What did you say? What did you say?"

Ralph: "I don't chew my cabbage twice."

"Follow The Boys":

(Alice has the house all dark and has a lit candle on the dinner table hoping that Ralph would want to eat dinner in a romantic fashion. Ralph comes home.)

Alice: "Hello Ralph."

Ralph: "So you forgot to pay the electric bill, huh?"

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ed: "Suppose they don't want to give me the promotion?"

Ralph: "Then you scare them. Tell them that after 17 years in the sewer, you are washing your hands of the whole thing."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ed just called Ralph an elephant.)

Ralph: "I will remember that Norton. I will remember that."

Ed: "I know you will. An elephant never forgets."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

(Ralph just threw out the bus company adjuster. He came because he wanted to sign papers because Ralph got injured.)

Alice: "Ralph, this is the dumbest thing that you ever done."

Ralph: "You won't say that when we are living on Park Avenue."

Alice: "I thought that you were going to open a grocery store in Jersey."

Ralph: "I'll commute."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Nick: "How about $400 a week."

(Ralph coughs.)

Nick: "$500."

(Ralph coughs more.)

Nick: "$600."

Ralph: "Norton, give me some water."

Ed: "Don't be a dope Ralph. Keep coughing Ralph. You will be a millionaire in no time."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is trying to bang his pipes to get water for his apartment. Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "NORTON, WOULD YOU STOP THAT BANGING? I GOT A HEADACHE."

Ed (from upstairs, yells): "I NEED WATER. I NEED TO TAKE A BATH."

Ralph (yells): "DO ME A FAVOR AND STAY DIRTY JUST FOR THE NIGHT."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy that Ed put down.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD?
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR? YOU GOT RID OF THE HIC-
OFFS, DIDN'T YOU?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and anybody."

"Confusion, Italian Style":

(The Kramdens & Norton arrive in a VERY small car.)

Man: "These italian cars aren't exactly very big."

Ralph: "You're telling me. When I first saw this, I thought that it was a cigarette lighter."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Fred: "You will have to eat as much to help you stay alive Ralph."

Ed: "Even that will be too much."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The boys come home.)

Ralph: "Shh! Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What?"

Ralph: "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shh! Alice is asleep.'"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "This furniture is good for me."

Alice: "Sure it is. But, just because you are a Raccoon doens't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."