(Ralph is watching the Veterans Day Memorial Parade. He is waiting for Ed.)

Ralph (to himself): "Where is Norton? He said he would be here."

(Ed comes by.)

Ed: "Whaddaya say Ralph?"

Ralph: "Norton, I work on Madison Avenue and I got here on time. You work in the sewer a block from here and you didn't. Why is that?"

Ed: "The tide was against me. Boy, look at all those war veterans. I wonder if they agree with Obama trying to extend an olive branch to the Taliban."

Ralph: "If he thinks that the Taliban can be trusted, he's an idiot. I bet all those war veterans are thinking the same thing. Look at all of them. They put their lives at risk just to be sure that we live in a free country. I am proud of them."

Ed: "Me too Ralph. I work with a war veteran and he knows that working in the sewer is nothing like war although in both situations he says: 'We have to sink or swim.' I choose to swim in the sewer."

Ralph: "I just read that every single year, a war veteran dies. Especially the ones who fought in the World Wars. Time is not on their side."

Ed: "We should be lucky that we live in a free country because of people like them and for the people who are fighting now. We should invite them for pizza and also make them honorary Raccoons."

Ralph: "Yeah. They deserve such honors."

(They both sing a song about war veterans.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. We should be very fortunate that we got war veterans sitting in the front row."

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "Like you heard, we should be honored that we live in a free country. Because of these war veterans and for the people who are fighting overseas, we should be thankful that all of them have done their part to keep our country free."

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "The Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience cheers.)

"We're Off To See The Wizard":

(The girls are upset that the boys paid Emma and Clarance $200. Emma & Clarance fooled the boys ino thinking that there was buried treasure and sold them the map that guided them to the place where the "treasure" was for $200.)

Alice: "You two have cost us $200."

Ed: "$208. We paid Clarance $8 to borrow the shovel from him."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Alice, come on out. Dynamite is here."

(Alice slams the bedroom door.)

Ralph: "I guess that she is still asleep."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ed: "Suppose they don't give me the promotion?"

Ralph: "Then you scare them. Tell them that after 17 years in the sewer, you are finally washing your hands of the whole thing."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "When I win that $100, I am going to get myself some bowling shoes, a leather lumber jacket, and you are going to get a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 2":

(Aunt Ethel and Fred are alone in the kitchen. A record is being played.)

(Ed comes in.)

Ed: "Howdy folks. I heard the phonograph playing. I thought you would like some of my records better. Here is a good one."

(Ed puts it on.)

(Loud big band music plays. Ed dances to it.)

(Ralph comes out and takes Ed's record off.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!"

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(One of Ralph's failed inventions that was revealed in this episode was Glow in the Dark shoeshine polish.)

Ed: "Mr. Mitchell, would you like to try shoeshine polish that glows in the dark?"

Ralph (yells): "WILL YOU SHUT UP?"

"Boy Next Door":

Ralph: "My dad once said this: 'For one of a sock, a shoe was lost. For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a war was lost. For one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost.'"

Alice: "Yeah? Why don't you get lost?"

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ralph: "The more brains men have, the less hair they got."

(Alice puts her fingers in Ralph's hair.)

Alice: "I rest my case."

"TV or Not TV":

(Ralph is trying to tell Alice that he has more money in is wallet than Ed.)

Ralph: "I have it here."

(Ralph points to his hip pocket.)

Alice: "You have it here..." (Points to her left hip.) "...you have it here..." (Points to her right hip.) "...and you have it here." (Points to her stomach.)

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "What is the first thing that a person has to do if he wants to sell something?"

Ed: "Well, first they look your name (Ralph's) in the phonebook and then they try to sell it to you."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "I'm going to get his job back for him Alice. Tomorrow, I am going to go down that sewer tomorrow and speak to Ed's boss. there isn't anything in this world that is going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow."

Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you can fit through."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "What kind of life do you think that I lead in this city driving a bus all day? What do I hear? Taxi horns, police whistles, fire engines, breaks schreeching and people hollering. When I finish my work and come home what do I hear? Babies crying, garbage cans-a-rattlin', peddles-a-yellin'. I ask you. What do I have to do to get a little peace and quiet?"

Alice: "Why don't you shut up?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ralph: "The person who lent me this place was an ex-GI."

Alice: "Who was he, Benedict Arnold?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"Sees All, Knows All":

Ralph: "Norton, I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ed: "I know a person who died from stubbing his toe?"

Man: "Stubbing his toe? How is that possible?"

Ed: "He stubbed it on the Grand Canyon's edge."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

(Ralph is trying to stand on his bad leg while Ed is cracking walnuts.)

Ralph (yells): "I BROKE IT ALICE! I BROKE IT!"

Alice: "That was Ed cracking walnuts."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "YOU ARE A MENTAL CASE."

"Funny Money":

(Ralph said to Alice that all the bad things that had happened were nothing.)

Alice: "What about quitting your job Ralph or was that nothing?"

Ralph: "I forgot about that."

Alice: "I guess you forgot that all this expensive stuff that you bought has to go back too. Every bit of it except for your suits Ralph. The tailor can't take those back. He doesn't know of any ELEPHANTS that need a new wardrobe."

"Alice & The Blonde":

(Alice catches Ralph coming home late.)

Alice: "Do you know what time it is Ralph?"

Ralph: "Yeah, it's a little after 11."

Alice: "Yeah, it's three hours after 11."

"A Matter of Record":

Ralph: "Your mother is a blabbermouth. A blabbermouth."

Alice: "Ralph, I told you I don't want you calling her that."

Ralph: "All right. You are an expert on crossword puzzles. Give me another word for 'blabbermouth.'"

"Cupid Part 1":

Herman: "I still have our class picture Ralph. You were in the first row."

Ed: "In the first row, he must have BEEN the first row."

"Cupid Part 2":

(Ralph thinks that Alice has left him.)

Ralph: "Everything in here reminds me of her. The potatos she peels, the frigidare she fixes, the floor she scrubs, the dishes she washes. Norton, why did she leave me?"

Ed: "You just gave four very good reasons."

"Brother-In-Law":

Ralph: "I'm the boss. You're nothing."

Alice: "Big deal. You are the boss over nothing."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and anybody."

"Hair To A Fortune":

(Ed is gving the bottles to Ralph and saying what each and every bottle has. He picks up one of the bottles.)

Ed: "This is a tough one. 'Oliveoil.'"

(Ralph picks up the bottle and looks at the label.)

Ralph: "'Oliveoil?'" (yells): "THAT'S OLIVE OIL."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed is hypnotized. He is at his job.)

Ed: "I am walking around in the water." (looking at Ralph): "Look out! There's a whale in the sewer. It's Moby."

Ralph: "If he wasn't under a spell, I would fracture his skull."

All C39 from "Please Leave The Premises":

#1:

Mr. Johnson: "The rent commission gave me permission to raise the rent. My reasons are right there in that note."

Ed: "I knew this would happen as soon as the war ended."

#2:

Ralph: "This is war Alice. Total war and it's going to be run like a war. George Washington never gave up. He fought for a cause the same way I am. I am just like Washington at Valley Forge."

Alice: "Not exactly Ralph. George didn't have Martha with him."

#3:

Alice: "Do you realize that for the last few days, we hadn't had any heat, water or electricity. And now that you have this silly barricade up, we can't go out and buy any food."

Ralph: "I'm' not giving up Alice. I'm not giving up. Boy, a few inconvencies and right away you want to quit."

"Brother-In-Law":

Alice: "Frank has had this trouble with his back ever since the war."

Ralph: "Trouble with his back since the war? You're gith Alice. The war did give him a lot of trouble with his back on account he was hiding from the draft board in those damp cellars. That's why."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "What does a guy who works in the sewer that he needs $2 right
away."

Ed: "Today's payday and the men down the sewer got a little dice game going. Well, you might as well call it a floating crap game."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

(Alice's sister is giving a lot of luggage to Ralph who is giving the luggage to Stanley. One of the pieces being, a suitcase.)

Stanley: "I got it. I got it."

(Alice's sister gives Ralph a fourth suitcase.)

Ralph: "The allies invaded Normady with less than this."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "Boy, if you were only miy size. If you were only my size..."

Alice: "If I was, I would be the fat lady in the circus."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "What is your middle name?"

Ed: "I rather not say."

Ralph: "Come on. Go ahead and tell us."

Ed: "Etherlburt."

"Ship Of Fools":

Ed: "I was in Europe once."

Man: "Did you like it?"

Ed: "No, the Germans kept shooting at me."

Happy Veterans Day!

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

All times are Eastern.

Mon. Nov. 15, 2010 1a (CC) #67 (aka #51) – “Cottage for Sale (Part One)”: The Kramdens and the Nortons want to buy a summer cottage, but it's too expensive. The seller convinces them that by removing a few luxuries from the cottage, they can afford it. Ralph and Norton immediately accept the offer.

1:30a (CC) #68 – “Cottage for Sale (Part Two)”: Ralph and Norton soon find out that the cottage they bought is not the one they got. Alice and Trixie refuse to help fix it up. Both families blame the other for the mess that they are in. Ralph and Norton try to sell the cottage and both families make up.

Mon. Nov. 22, 2010 1a (CC) #73 (aka #31/#20) - “‘Ralph's Diet’/‘Alice Plays Cupid’”: (For “Ralph’s Diet”): Ralph's diet becomes unbearable when a neighbor hides all the food for a surprise party in the Kramden's apartment. (For “Alice Plays Cupid”): When Alice finds out Ralph has invited a single friend from the Bus Company to dinner; she tries to fix him up with her girlfriend.

1:30a (CC) #76 (aka #40/#14) – “‘Lucky Number’/‘Pickles’”: (For “Lucky Number”): When Ralph takes off from work to go to a ball game with Norton, he wins $1,000 but can't accept it without losing his job. (For “Pickles”): When Alice has a craving for pickles; Ralph concludes that she is pregnant.

Credit goes to zap2it.com, the old honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & John K's Book To The Moon.


(WNET) & (WNET HD) (Newark, NJ PBS affiliate):

Make 'Em Laugh: The Funny Business of America (2 hours)

Thu. Nov. 25, 2010 11:30a (CC) "Nerds, Jerks & Oddballs: Would Ya Hit a Guy with Glasses?; Breadwinners and Homemakers: Honey, I'm Home!": Billy Crystal hosts a history of American comedy, which explores the funny business via performances, profiles and interviews. It begins with a look at comedic outsiders and spans comics from Harold Lloyd to Steve Martin and also includes such icons as Bob Hope, Phyllis Diller and Andy Kaufman. Then, the domestic comedy concept is examined. Shows include "The Goldbergs," "I Love Lucy," "The Honeymooners," "The Dick Van Dyke Show," "All in the Family," "The Cosby Show," "Roseanne" and "Seinfeld."

Credit goes to zap2it.com, the old honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & John K's Book To The Moon.

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that is strong enough to do that."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "Do you care if I waste away?"

Alice: "Sure I do Ralph. But you wouldn't waste away if you stayed awake for nine years."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Wisenheimer. I am going to put the key in a place where even if you know where it is, you wouldn't be able to find it. I am going to put it right under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I know New York from top to bottom."

Ed: "I have been working in the sewer for years. I know New York from bottom to top."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph (yells): "I AM NOT MISSING THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

Alice (yells): "LISTEN. YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR AND YOU WILL BE IN
THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Fred: "You will have to eat just as much to keep you alive Ralph."

Ed: "Even that will be too much."

"Sun & Fun & The Raccoon Capital":

(Ralph is trying to get into his uniform…his pants are too big. In the storyline, [and Jackie in real life, of course] he lost weight.)

Ralph: "If I go out in these, I will be a laughing stock."

Ed: "If you don't, you will get a few laughs too."

"King of The Castle":

(Ralph explains to Ed that one time Alice wanted him to come home, but Ralph didn't.)

Ralph: "I showed her whose boss."

Ed: "What happened when you came home?"

Ralph: "Never mind about that."

"King of The Castle":

Ed: "You should write in the paper: 'I Ralph Kramden, do not assume the debts of Alice Kramden.'"

Ralph: "It won't work. I tried that the day after we were married."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Hey Ralph?"

Ralph: "What?"

Ed: "Mind if I smoke?"

Ralph: "I don't care if you burn."

"Hello Mom":

Ralph: "Cream-chipped beef again?"

Alice: "Yeah, but I fixed it a new way, Ralph. I got the recipe out of a movie magazine. Its Ricardo Cortez's favorite."

Ralph: "Well, I hope when Ricardo gets here tonight he enjoys it!"

"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "Now why do you think I would put my weight down on my income
tax report?"

Ed: "How should I know? You are the one that is being investigated."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Now what we have to do is wait for Mr. Gleason to show up."

Ed: "That could be kind of tough. With the way that he's built, it's hard to tell if he's coming or going."

"Hero Part 1":

Tommy: "He (Mr. Kramden) was a a great end in football."

Ed: "Great? Probably the biggest end in the business."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ralph: "Are you sure that that suitcase can hold $40,000,000? Why don't you cut pieces of paper into the sizes of dollar bills and find out."

(Ed opens the suitcase to reveal that he did just that.)

Ed: "Small details."

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Alice: "You and Norton will have to sleep out in the kitchen."

Ralph: "Just a moment. Whenever you mother or your Aunt Ethel comes, I have to sleep in the kitchen. It's a good thing that we don't have a cat because if he ever wanted to sleep in the kitchen, I would have to sleep in a box out in the hall."

"To Whomever It May Concern":

Alice: "We'll just have to live on our expenses."

Ralph: "Swell. That will take care of tonight. But, what are we going to do in the morning?"

"Expectant Father":

Ed: "The sewer was swarming with FBI men."

Trixie: "FBI men? What were they doing in the sewer?"

Ed: "They were looking for wetbacks who were trying to beat the cross-town traffic."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Remember last year at the convention when the cops were cracking down on the people who were dropping bags out of the hotel window? That didn't bother me. I just went 1...2...3 and I threw them out."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "Look me all over. Now describe my build to me."

Ed: "Well, if I were to describe your build, I would say you have very well-developed muscles. Got good bone structure. Very good bone structure. Fine frame...and the whole thing is covered with fat."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "For my height, I am four pounds underweight. It says so in the chart."

Alice: "You must have been looking at a chart for a hippo."

"Checkup":

Ed: "Has there been anything you wanted to look inside that didn't belong to you?"

Ralph: "Yes. Your head."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Get in that kitchen and start cleaning up."

Alice: "Only if I use you for a mop."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "Stop saying 'okay.' Say: 'That will be very good sir.'"

Thelma: "Okay."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "This (Ed) is my guest and I'm your employer."

Thelma: "Some guest and some employer. The SIMP and the BLIMP."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ed just won the TV set on the movie ticket that Ralph got.)

Ed: "It's just like the guy said: 'A lesser man would have said: 'I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me.''"

Ralph: "I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "Nobody is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one big enough?"

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Nick: "How about $400 a week."

(Ralph coughs.)

Nick: "$500."

(Ralph coughs more.)

Nick: "$600."

Ralph: "Norton, give me some water."

Ed: "Don't be a dope Ralph. Keep coughing Ralph. You will be a millionaire in no time."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is trying to bang his pipes to get water for his apartment. Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "NORTON, WOULD YOU STOP THAT BANGING? I GOT A HEADACHE."

Ed (from upstairs, yells): "I NEED WATER. I NEED TO TAKE A BATH."

Ralph (yells): "DO ME A FAVOR AND STAY DIRTY JUST FOR THE NIGHT."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy that Ed put down.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD?
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR? YOU GOT RID OF THE HIC-
OFFS, DIDN'T YOU?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and anybody."

"Confusion, Italian Style":

(The Kramdens & Norton arrive in a VERY small car.)

Man: "These italian cars aren't exactly very big."

Ralph: "You're telling me. When I first saw this, I thought that it was a cigarette lighter."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Fred: "You will have to eat as much to help you stay alive Ralph."

Ed: "Even that will be too much."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The boys come home.)

Ralph: "Shh! Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What?"

Ralph: "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shh! Alice is asleep.'"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "This furniture is good for me."

Alice: "Sure it is. But, just because you are a Raccoon doens't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Ralph (yells): "WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK ALICE? WOULD YOU GET OFF
MY BACK? I TOLD YOU THIS PLACE WILL LOOK BEAUTIFUL."

Alice (yells): "YOU MADE A MISTAKE. WHY DON'T YOU ADMIT IT RALPH?"

Ralph (yells): "ALL RIGHT! I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I MADE A MISTAKE. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME."

Alice (yells): "DON'T TEMPT ME RALPH! DON'T TEMPT ME."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Doctor: "This is an aptitude test Mr. Kramden. You are supposed to take an object and fit it in its respective hole."

Ed: "Can three people play?"

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph (to Carlos): "It's easy for you to play Sir Galahad. You don't work. When you work, you dance. That's not work. When we work, we work. Dirty work. Just take a look at my friend's hands and mine and yours."

Ed: "It's not fair to compare my hands to his. I got mine in water all day."

"On Stage":

(Ralph is thinking of how to greet the Raccoons in his letters.)

Ed: "How about 'Greetings!'?"

Ralph: "'Greetings?'"

Ed: "Yeah, the draft board did pretty good with that one."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(The car won't start.)

Trixie: "Ralph, it might help if you turned the ignition key."

Ralph: "I was just about to do that. I just wanted to see if the battery was alive."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "First you almost made me lose my hearing. Then, you try to electrocute me. Why don't you help me some more, run over me with the car?"

Ed: "I can't get the car started."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "I am a nobody."

Ed: "I could have told you that 10 years ago."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "The bills will get bigger and bigger and I will have less to eat. I will start losing weight. Then, do you know what I will look like?"

Alice: "Yeah, a human being."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "You want my salary to leak out?"

Alice: "Your salary coundn't even drip out."

"Confusion, Italian Style":

(Ralph is thinking that Alice is seeing a boy named Harry Vederchi because he heard her on the phone talking to him and he thinks that is his name when she said 'Arribaderchi.' Ralph tells her what is wrong with him. What does he say?)

Ralph: "All right. Harry Vederchi."

Alice: "All right, good-bye."

"Norton Moves In" (Color):

Ralph: "They are going upstairs."

Alice: "They are staying here."

Ralph (yells): "THEY ARE GOING UPSTAIRS."

Alice: "They are going upstairs over my dead body."

Ralph: "Don't tempt me."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph tries to get Art Carney's autograph for Alice.)

Art: "What's the name?"

Ralph: "My name is Ralph Kramden, but she knows that."

"Stand-In For Murder Part 1":

(Alice is mixing plaster in a bowl. She tunrs on the radio and "In The Mood" plays. Ed Norton comes in and dances to the music with the bowl in his hands. Alice is amused.)

Alice: "Stop that Ed. You are getting plaster all over the floor."

(Alice turns off the radio.)

Ed: "I got an idea. Why don't the four of us all go out dancing one night."

Alice: "Ralph hates dancing."

Ed: "Forget about him. Just bring the bowl."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "Wait a minute. I think I know why this dresser is so heavy. The drawers are probably loaded with junk. Why don't we take them out?"

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes out the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 2":

(Aunt Ethel and Fred are alone in the kitchen. A record is being played.)

(Ed comes in.)

Ed: "Howdy folks. I heard the phonograph playing. I thought you would like some of my records better. Here is a good one."

(Ed puts it on.)

(Loud big band music plays. Ed dances to it.)

(Ralph comes out and takes Ed's record off.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed is hypnotized. He sees Ralph.)

Ed: "Look out. There's a whale in the sewer. It's Moby Dick."

Ralph: "If he wasn't under a spell, I would fracture his skull."

"Manager of The Baseball Team":

Trixie: "Ralph has a good head on his shoulders."

Ed: "What is this on my shoulders, a volleyball?"

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that's very encouraging that you sold to your last costumer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you found the right thing to say. Did you remember what you said to that last costumer?"

Ed: "Sure I do. I said: 'Mama, you just got to buy this iron.'"

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "My mother had been yelling out the window for 80 years."

Alice: "Yeah and when she lost her voice, more people listened to her than Amos & Andy."

"The Babysitter":

(Ralph thinks that Alice is seeing another man behind his back. He wants to find out.)

Ralph: "Norton, I don't want to lose her."

(Ralph leaves. Ed eats Ralph's dinner.)

Ed: "I hope he doesn't lose her too. She is such a good cook."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I sure wish that Trixie would make icing that tastes as good as this."

Alice: "Icing? Ed, that is starch."

Ed: "It is?"

(Ed tastes it again.)

Ed: "I still wish that Trixie would make icing that tastes as good as this."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "I was born under the sign of Pieces, the fish."

Ralph: "You were born under the sign of Pistachio, the nut."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I found out that I'm Taurus the Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man but it's the same old bull."

"New Manager":

Alice: "Why would Ralph run away?"

Ed: "He's married, ain't he?"

"What's The Name":

Ralph: "Every time there was a love scene in the movie, Ed had to kiss Trixie."

Alice: "What's wrong with that? I think that that is very romantic."

Ralph: "Romantic, huh? I was sitting between them."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "I thought I could chop off a few bucks off the $989."

Mr. Mosby: "$989? This cottage costs $2,000."

Ed: "Ralph, you got a load of chopping to do."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(Ralph & Ed are fighting. They hate each other.)

Ralph: "I got a million friends. I must have 50 at the bus depot. 50 down at the bowling alley. 50 down at the lodge. There's 100 right there."

Alice: "If you got so many friends Ralph, how come they never invite you anywhere?"

Ralph: "Because I am always with Norton and they don't like him either."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Spell antidistanttablihmentterrism (sp?)."

Ralph: "I'll spell it...I'll spell it...I'll spell it."

Alice: "Well, go ahead."

Ralph: "I will spell it when you give me $16,000."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "You know what Jackie Gleason gets. Maybe $50 to $100 a night."

Ed: "$50 to $100 a night?"

Ralph: "Yeah. Personally, I don't think he deserves it but that is what he gets."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph (to Alice): "By the way cupcake..."

Ed: "Yes Ralph."

Ralph: "She is cupcake. You're fruitcake."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows how much you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

"The Prowler":

Ed: "I came by to tell you to put some stuff up against the door."

Ralph: "Thank you but I have already done that."

Ed: "How did I get in?"

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Alice: "I'll go get a flashlight for you."

Ralph: "I don't need one."

(Ralph leaves and falls down the stairs. Alice comes by the door. He comes back.)

Ralph: "Well, don't just stand there. Get me a flashlight."

"Letter To The Boss":

(Ralph thinks that he has been fired. He lists all the jobs that are listed in the paper.)

Alice: "What is wrong with those jobs?"

Ralph: "Nothing except they are listed under: 'Help Wanted: Women!'"

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "I want to do the things that young people do. That is what makes you young."

Ralph: "You want to do that? Let's play games that young people play. Let's play house. I will be the daddy and you will be the mommy. All right Mommy CLEAN UP!"

"Alice & The Blonde":

Trixie: "On the bus, there was two empty seats. Who takes those two empty seats?"

Alice: "Ralph."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis and I'm the treasurer Alice. I'm responsible. Do you know what happens if the lodge doesn't get any more money? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be. Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah. Rela estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

(Ralph thinks that Phil is seeing Alice behind his back.)

Phil: "Too bad there aren't more Alices to go around."

Ralph: "This one gets around pretty good."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

(Alice looks at the letter that Ralph claims says that he will die. She laughs because it's for her mom's dog, Ginger.)

Alice: "This is a riot!"

Ralph: "This is a riot? We will see how much of a riot it is when you have to finish the payments on the ice box."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "It just so happens that your husband is Taurus the Bull. Now what do you have to say about that?"

Alice: "Moooooo."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "You should hear what my horoscope said."

Ralph: "What did it say?"

Ed: "'Be sure to throw yourself into your work.'"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ed: "Remember last year at the Raccoon Convention in New York where the police where cracking down on people who were throwing water bags out of the hotel windows? That didn't stop me. I just filled up the bags with water and threw them out my hotel window."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Ralph: "$600. I don't know what to do first."

Ed: "I do."

Ralph: "What is that?"

Ed: "I wouldn't tell Trixie."

"Hair To A Fortune":

(Ed is reading the bottles.)

Ed: "Here's another one. 'Oliveoil.'"

Ralph: "'Oliveoil?'" (yells): "THAT'S OLIVE OIL."

"One Big Happy Family":

Ralph: "That is my business. Driving a bus."

Alice: "If you ate more, you wouldn't be able to fit in a bus."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking that set over my dead body."

Ed: "I couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "From now on, you are to address me ina civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "Count backwards from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I have become Taurus the Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man bu it's the same old bull."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Trixie: "This set is Ed's legally."

Ralph: "Oh, so it's legally his. It's legally his. What law school did you go to? I was unaware that they had a law school at Minsky's."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ed: "Tell Ralph that he's a low-down skunk."

Alice: "Ed says that you are a low-down skunk."

Ralph: "Tell him that he's a miserable bum."

Alice: "He says that you are a miserable bum. So, Low-Down Skunk meet Miserable Bum."

"Nephew of The Bride":

(Ralph found out that Alice's Aunt Ethel and Herman are moving in since Herman lives at the YMCA. He picks up his hat and puts it on.)

Alice: "Where are you going?"

Ralph: "To the YMCA."

(Ralph is walking in the kitchen.)

Alice: "Ralph, help set the table. The Nortons are going to be down here in a while."

Ralph: "Okay."

Alice: "Oh Ralph, I just got told that my parents are coming. They decided at the last minute that they are going to come."

Ralph: "Ooooh."

(Ralph goes into the bedroom. He comes back out.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT? YOUR MOM IS NOT SETTING FOOT IN THIS HOUSE OR WE WILL NEVER GET RID OF HER."

Alice: "Ralph, it is too late. What was I supposed to do?"

Ralph: "Tell them that they can celebrate Thanksgiving at Burger King."

Alice: "Ralph, they are coming over."

(The Nortons come on down. The audience applauds.)

Ed: "Happy Turkey Day Ralph-ie boy!"

Ralph: "Ooooh!"

Trixie: "Happy Thanksgiving Alice!"

(Alice's parents come in.)

Alice: "Mom! Dad! Happy Thanksgiving!"

Alice's Mom: "Hello Alice! Happy Thanksgiving! I hope that Ralph doesn't eat all the food."

Ed: "Hahahahaha."

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP!"

Alice's Mom: "I am surprised that you were able to cook a turkey in that antique stove. There is nothing around here that is electric."

Ralph: "How would you like to see an ELECTRIC CHAIR?"

(Alice looks at Ralph in a mean fashion. Ralph simmers down.)

(It's dinner time.)

Ralph: "Before I cut the turkey, I would like to say that right now is a good time for us to say what we are thankful for."

Alice's Dad: "I am thankful for having a wonderful spouse, daughter and a big son-in-law."

Alice's Mom: "Thank you. I am thankful for the same things if you can believe it."

(They kiss.)

Alice: "I am thankful for having a big husband like Ralph and for at least having a home."

(Ralph & Alice kiss.)

Trixie: "I am thankful for at least having a husband and for having a home."

Ed: "Trix, you are a wonderful woman."

(Ed kisses Trixie.)

(Ed coughs much like he did in the Color Honeymooners.)

Ed: "I am thankful for having a wife, a sweet kid of a friend..."

(Ed sobs in typical Ed fashion.)

Ed: "...and for having a job in this tough economy. I am greatful for having a job in the sewer where everything keeps floating along. We had a turkey dinner yeasterday before the tide came in with dirty water..."

Trixie: "ED!"

Ralph: "I am thankful for having a wife like Alice, a job as a bus driver, and for living in a free country where we care about other people. Unlike those BUMS like North Korea. I am also thankful for taking many vacations to a place where they have the greatest Thanksgivings in the world: Miami Beach."

(Audience cheers.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. The audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. I am hoping that everybody has a happy Thanksgiving and doesn't get too loaded like Sammy Spear here."

(Audience laughs.)

Jackie: "I know you Sam."

(Audience laughs.)

Jackie: "Jean Kean."

(Audience claps as Jean comes out and kisses Jackie.)

Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."

(Audience claps as Audrey Meadowns comes out and kisses Jackie.)

Jackie: "Art Carney."

(Audience claps as Art comes out and shakes Jackie's hand.)

Jackie: "The Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience cheers.)

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Trixie: "Every mistake that Ed has made, Ralph has talked him into."

Ralph: "I didn't talk him into marrying you, did I?"

Trixie: "Ed, did you hear what he said?"

Ed: "He got us there. He didn't."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Alice: "How could you even think of going to the movies when Ed took you to the Kit Kat Club on your birthday?"

Ralph (from bedroom): "Did I ask him to take me there? Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested going to the Copa."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ralph: "Statistics show that all bald-headed men are rich. They have got money. Do you know why? Because they are smart. They got brains. The more brains they have, the less hair they got."

Alice (feeling Ralph's hair): "I rest my case."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ed: "With all the noise you two have been making, you woke me out of a sound sleep."

(Ed leaves.)

Ralph: "I woke him out of a sound sleep? I woke him out of a sound sleep?" (stepping on the tacks that he dropped, yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"Unconventional Behavior":

(Ed & Ralph are handcuffed on a train. Ed tried syaing "Boomph" to get out, like he was instructed but it doesn't work.)

Ralph: "I have had enough of the boomphing. Get the key out and open them up."

Ed: "There ain't no key. You got to boomph your way out."

Ralph (yells): "I AM GOING TO BOOMPH YOU OUT OF THE WHOLE CAR."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed has been hypnotized to believe he's going to work.)

Great Fatchumara: "You are down in the sewer now."

Ed: "I am down in the sewer now. Prepare to submerge."

(Ed "submerges.")

Ed: "I am now walking in the water." (looking at Ralph): "Look out. There's a whale in the sewer. It's Moby Dick."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "Alice wants a TV set."

Ed: "Ralph, how did she know about such a thing as TV. I thought that you kept her in the dark on things like that."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

(The Kramdens & Nortons see Mr. Mosby about getting a cottage.)

Mr. Mosby: "I am going to do for you what I did for my mother."

Ed: "You are going to buy one for us?"

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

(Ralph, Alice & Ed are practicing the stunt.)

Ralph: "How could I get there as fast as you?"

Ed: "Take off 90 pounds."

"A Promotion Part 1":

(Ralph has just told Alice not to tell the Nortons about his promotion, but unbeknownst to Ralph, she did.)

Ralph: "I have been promoted. I am now an executive."

Ed: "What a surprise."

(Ed tries to act like he's surprised.)

Ralph (to Alice): "So you told him huh?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ed (looking at a map): "Here's New York City, that is where we started from. Then we go through the Lincoln Tunnel. This black dot here is Jersey City. This black dot here is Bayoone."

Ralph: "Well, Bayoone moving. That's an ant."

Ed: "Let's follow the ant. He looks like he knows where he is going."

"Two-Family Car":

(Alice cleans the fire escape and the mop fell off the rod. It landed on Ralph.)

Alice: "I see that you found my mop."

Ralph: "What this? This one of those new Italian haircuts."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph is at the dog pound. He just gave back Alice's dog that he hated, but slowly and surely he started not hating it.)

Ralph: "Is my dog going to get a good home?"

Man: "I hope so."

Ralph: "What do you mean by that?"

Man: "We have several dogs who are only supposed to be here for four days. We got several who are over the limit."

Ralph: "What happens to the dogs who are over the limit?"

Man: "They have to be destoryed."

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that the dog I just gave back is going to be destroyed?" (going into the room where all the dogs are, yells): "WAIT A MINUTE!"

"The $99,000 Answer":

Ralph: "This time, I am going to get my pot of gold."

Alice: "Just go for the gold. You already got the pot."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ralph: "I am not nervous, Alice. I am not nervous. I may be a little excited about inheriting $40,000,000, but I am not nervous."

(Ralph polishes his sock.)

Alice: "You are not nervous Ralph. You are not nervous at all. You just read in Esquire about how the well-dressed man always polishes his sock."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a much smarter guy than I am."

Alice's Mom: "So you admit it."

Ralph: "Sure. He took one look at you and refused to marry her."

"Hawaii! Oh! Oh!":

Ralph (to Charlie): "I'm on a diet. I've gone from 220."

Ed: "That's his room number. He actually gone from 280."

"Foloow The Boys":

Alice: "Well Ralph, I am ready to sit down."

Ralph: "So?"

Alice: "Well, who's going to help me with my chair?"

Ralph: "There's only two of us in the room. So, you are going to do it."

"Boys & Girls Together":

Ralph: "I'm very important to the Hurricanes. I'm the anchor man."

Alice: "Of what, the Queen Mary?"

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Alice wants to go to the movies.)

Ralph: "The Hurricanes need me."

Alice: "I feel very sorry for the Hurricanes because the biggest wind of them all isn't going to be there."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Carlos: "If your wives want you guys to do these simple things, like opening a door for them, why don't you do it?"

Ralph: "He wants to know why we don't do it. Why we don't do it....Why we don't do it....Because it's too much trouble. That's why we don't do it."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "How would you like it if a person came down to where you worked and helped himself to whatever he could find?"

Ed: "Help himself to what?"

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "I'm writing a list of all my weak points."

Ed: "Oh, is that all the paper you are going to use?"

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

(The waiter gives Ralph & Ed food for their lunch. He takes Ed's hat so it can be hung up.)

Waiter: "Your hat sir?"

Ralph: "What?"

Waiter: "Your hat?"

Ralph: "No, it's my hat. I'll keep it."

"Follow The Boys":

(Alice has the lights turned off and is all dressed up for Ralph. Ralph comes home.)

Alice: "Good evening sweetheart."

Ralph: "So you forgot to pay the elctric bill, huh?"

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Jackie Gleason is down at the Sun & Fun Capital of the World."

Ed: "What's he doing in Perth Amboy?"

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ed goes into the elevator so he can wash up.)

Elevator Operator: "Where to sir?"

Ed: "Follow that cable."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

(Ralph gives his poor excuse of a breakfast to Alice and Trixie.)

Trixie: "Ed, I don't want to taste this yet. You taste it."

Ed (looking at the food): "No, it's gentlemen to wait for the women to try it first. I may wait until tomorrow."

"The Worry Wart":

(Ed eats a turkey leg from the ice box. Ralph comes in and Ed sees him.)

(Ed hums the "Dragnet" theme.)

Ed: "Well I hope that when they do my life on Dragnet that they leave my name out to protect the innocent."

Ralph: "You put that turkey leg down or they'll be doing your life on medic."

"Brother-In-Law":

Ralph: "Maybe your sisters are better off than we are. But I got more expenses. I got more expenses than all of their husbands put together."

Alice: "Sure, they don't go to the Fat Man's Shop to get suits."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Carlos: "If your wives ask you guys to do something simple like open a door for her, why don't you do it?"

Ralph: "He wants to know why we don't do it. Why we don't it. Why we don't do it. Why we don't do it. Because it's too much trouble. That's why we don't do it."

All from "A Weighty Problem":

#1

(Ralph & his friends are at the Raccoon Lodge. His friends are sick because they ate too much food. Ralph has a piece of a drumstick in his hand. He goes over to the kitchen and knocks.)

Ralph: "You got any mashed potatoes and bread in there?"

(The cook opens the door.)

Cook: "What?"

Ralph: "I said do you have any mashed potatoes and bread?"

Cook: "We don't have anything else to throw away."

#2

(Ralph is eating a stick of celery with a fork and knife right by him.)

Alice: "Ralph, how do you like your supper?"

(A pause.)

Ralph (yells): "YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THAT WAS MY SUPPER?" (picking up the utensils, yells): "WHAT ARE THESE THINGS FOR, TO COMMIT SUICIDE WITH?"

#3

Freddie: "You only eat as much to help you stay alive Ralph."

Ed: "Even that will be too much."

All from "We Spy":

#1

Ed: "It was just recently Thanksgiving."

Russian: "Thanksgiving?"

Ralph: "Yeah, it's a new holiday in Moscow. It's to celebrate the landing of the Proletarians on Vladivostok."

#2

(At the party, Ed and subsequently Ralph just revealed the "new" Russian Holiday of Thanksgiving. The Russian party thrower wants everyone to roast the goat in honor of Thanksgiving because that is what Ralph said is one of the traditions of Thanksgiving.)

Russian: "Holiday weekend."

Ralph (angerly to Ed) : "Holiday weekend."

Ed: "It's a good thing it isn't New Year's Eve. Can you imagine all the finks on the road from Minsk to Finsk?"

#3

(Ralph spots his Russian capturers as they try to go on a train with a lot of luggage.)

Ralph: "What are you guys doing?"

Russian: "We are going to Moscow to celebrate new Russian holiday: Thanksgiving."

Happy Thanksgiving!

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

All times are Eastern.

Mon. Dec. 6, 2010 1a (CC) #77 (aka #60) – “Box Top Kid (Part One)”: Ralph gets jealous when his brother in law wins a trip to Europe in a box top contest. He and Norton start to buy every product they can find with a box top contest.

1:30a #78 – “Box Top Kid (Part Two)”: Ralph wins a Slim-O Bread contest by claiming he lost 80 pounds. There's only one problem; he must los e the weight before the publicity photos are taken or he will be disqualified.

Note: TVGuide.com says that WPIX will show The Honeymooners on Mon. Nov. 28 at 1a & 1:30 as well as ALN will show the Color Honeymooners on Sun. Nov. 28 at 2a, Mon. Nov. 29 at 3a & Mon. Dec. 6 at 2a & 3a. Yet, zap2it.com, americanlifetv.com and wpix.com say otherwise.

Credit goes to zap2it.com, the old honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & John K's Book To The Moon.

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down a street, there ain't no other side."

"The Babysitter":

(Ralph & Ed are at a barber shop. Ed uses some of the barber's tools.)

Ralph: "Don't you realize that this is man's place of business? How would you like it if some person went to where you work and helped himself to whatever he could find?"

Ed: "Help himself to what?"

"Finders Keepers":

(Ed just beat Ralph at pinball. Because of that, Ed won the box of Italina Creams.)

Ed: "Ralph, we have been friends too long to let a box of Italian Creams to come between us. So, what I am going to do is take this home, Trixie will have the bottom half, Alice will have the top layer, and the box, which is suitable for framming, is yours."

Ralph: "Why don't you shut up?"

"Box Top Kid Part 1":

(Ralph is making Ed write a letter saying how Flakey Wakey has made him thin.)

Ralph: "'Before I started eating Flakey Wakey, I weighed 250 pounds. I now weigh...'"

Ed: "'260 pounds.'"

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in New York City that is strong enough to do that."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "Talk is cheap."

Alice: "It must be or you would have never opened your mouth."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "At last, I have a bathtub that I can be comfy in."

Alice: "What did you order, a round one?"

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "The Nortons had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a much smarter guy than I am."

Alice's Mom: "So you admit it."

Ralph: "Sure. He took one look at you and refused to marry her."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "I got news for you Alice. Your husband is crazy."

Alice: "Okay. So what's the big news?"

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy that Ed put down.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD?
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR? YOU GOT RID OF THE HIC-
OFFS, DIDN'T YOU?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Norton Moves In":

Ralph: "They are going upstairs."

Alice: "They are staying here."

Ralph (yells): "THEY ARE GOING UPSTAIRS."

Alice: "They are going upstairs over my dead body."

Ralph: "Don't tempt me."

"Pal O' Mine":

Trixie: "Ed said for all the sewerworkers to come formal to the party."

Alice: "Formal?"

Trixie: "White ties and black boots."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "How could I get there as fast as you Alice?"

Ed: "Take off 90 pounds."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "You don't know how to handle money."

Alice: "Of course not. I never had any practice."

"Hot Tip":

(Ed comes in with a loud jacket.)

Ralph: "Where did you get that jacket?"

Ed: "That is what they are wearing at the track."

Ralph: "Yeah, the horses. Not the people."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ed: "How long is the lease for?"

Ralph: "The usual."

Ed: "What is the usual?"

Ralph: "99 years."

"Play It Again, Norton":

(Ralph & Ed went to see Mr. Worthington Kenmore. Ed disguised himself to look 18. Later on, Washington Kenmore visited the Kramdens.)

Trixie: "I'm Treeny's high school sweetheart."

Worthington Kenmore (looking at her): "You're kidding."

"Curse of The Kramdens":

"Ghost": "I'm the Ghost of Shammus O' Toole. If your name is Kramden Beware! Ha ha ha!"

Ed: "This is Ed Norton. Capital N-capital O-r-t-o-n."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "My brothers don't eat like that."

Alice: "Your brothers don't eat like that? Then how come you are the one in the family that they call 'Skinny.'"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "You want proof that I'm crazy? My leg won't go up."

Alice: "Your leg won't go up?"

Ralph: "That's right. I hit it with a hammer, but it didn't go up."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "You don't know how to handle money."

Alice: "Of course not. I never had any practice."

"Guest Speaker":

(Ed comes in and sees Ralph in his Raccoon uniform.)

Ed: "What happened Ralph, did you get drafted?"

Ralph: "No, I didn't get drafted. I'm a Raccoon."

Ed: "Well, I am a butterfly and I'm flying out of here."

"Hot Tip":

(Ed comes in with a loud jacket.)

Ralph: "Where did you get that jacket?"

Ed: "That is what they are wearing at the track."

Ralph: "Yeah, the horses. Not the people."

"Double Anniversary":

(Ralph tells Ed of his surprise plans to Alice which entail him inviting her out to a movie only to lead her into the Kit Kat Klub where they are going to have the surprise party.)

Ralph: "I hope she doesn't faint."

Ed: "I hope she doesn't faint when she learns that you want to take her to a movie."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy that Ed put down.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD?
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR? YOU GOT RID OF THE HIC-
OFFS, DIDN'T YOU?"

"Pal O' Mine":

Ralph: "Butter on my finger?" (yells): "AT 89 CENTS A POUND." (normally): "Would you stop throwing my money around? Is there any lard around here?"

Alice: "Yeah about 300 lbs. of it."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

(Harvey just saw Ralph "KO" somebody.)

Harvey: "That is some punch you got there."

Ralph: "It wasn't anything. I hurt him with my bad hand."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Spell antidistanttablihmentterrism (sp?)."

Ralph: "I'll spell it...I'll spell it...I'll spell it."

Alice: "Well, go ahead."

Ralph: "I will spell it when you give me $16,000."

"People's Choice Part 1":

Ed: "You should go down to my Uncle's place in New Jersey. 'Bullets' will never find you there."

Ralph: "He won't?"

Ed: "No, I have been going down there for the past three Sundays in a row. I can't even find the place myself."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Ed: "As long as I am in an executive in that bus company, you are sure of being a bus driver as long as you live."

(Ralph gets up and signals for Ed to leave.)

Ed: "This is no way..."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!!!!!!!!!"

"One Big Happy Family":

Man (from upstairs, yells): "KNOCK OFF THE NOISE DOWN THERE!"

(Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP BEFORE I REPORT YOU TO THE SUPERINTENDENT."

Man (from upstairs, yells): "I AM THE SUPERINTENDENT."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "You know what Jackie Gleason gets. Maybe $50 to $100 a night."

Ed: "$50 to $100 a night?"

Ralph: "Yeah. Personally, I don't think he deserves it but that is what he gets."

Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and anybody."

"Hair To A Fortune":

(Ralph & Ed are making the hair-making formula in a bowl.)

Ralph: "You stupid stupe. You made me poor the beer in the bowl."

Ed: "Why are you calling me stupid for? I wouldn't have done it."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "'Ralph, I want the ice box painted.' 'I want a curtain for the bedroom window.' Why do we need a curtain for the bedroom window? All you see is a brick wall. You are not married to Nelson Rockefeller."

Alice: "I got news for you Ralph. You are not married to Happy either."

"Expectant Father":

(Ralph thinks that he is going to be a father. He wants his new boy to be a fighter.)

Ed: "Why don't you name the kid Percy?"

Ralph: "Percy?"

Ed: "With a name like that, he will be fighting all the time."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph is at the dog pound. He just gave back Alice's dog that he hated, but slowly and surely he started not hating it.)

Ralph: "Is my dog going to get a good home?"

Man: "I hope so."

Ralph: "What do you mean by that?"

Man: "We have several dogs who are only supposed to be here for four days. We got several who are over the limit."

Ralph: "What happens to the dogs who are over the limit?"

Man: "They have to be destoryed."

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that the dog I just gave back is going to be destroyed?" (going into the room where all the dogs are, yells): "WAIT A MINUTE!"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that's my idea of a burn."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "Berlin threw away a lot of bad lines."

Alice: "Yeah, if you can only find out where he threw them."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "Do you know what it like Alice to own a home? You can walk outside, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out in the hallway right now and do the same thing."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

"TV or Not TV":

(Ralph is trying to tell Alice that he has more money in is wallet than Ed.)

Ralph: "I have it here."

(Ralph points to his hip pocket.)

Alice: "You have it here..." (Points to her left hip.) "...you have it here..." (Points to her right hip.) "...and you have it here." (Points to her stomach.)

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "What is the first thing that a person has to do if he wants to sell something?"

Ed: "Well, first they look your name (Ralph's) in the phonebook and then they try to sell it to you."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "I'm going to get his job back for him Alice. Tomorrow, I am going to go down that sewer tomorrow and speak to Ed's boss. there isn't anything in this world that is going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow."

Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you can fit through."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "What kind of life do you think that I lead in this city driving a bus all day? What do I hear? Taxi horns, police whistles, fire engines, breaks schreeching and people hollering. When I finish my work and come home what do I hear? Babies crying, garbage cans-a-rattlin', peddles-a-yellin'. I ask you. What do I have to do to get a little peace and quiet?"

Alice: "Why don't you shut up?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ralph: "The person who lent me this place was an ex-GI."

Alice: "Who was he, Benedict Arnold?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"Sees All, Knows All":

Ralph: "Norton, I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Lawsuit" (Color):

(Ralph is trying to stand on his bad leg while Ed is cracking walnuts.)

Ralph (yells): "I BROKE IT ALICE! I BROKE IT!"

Alice: "That was Ed cracking walnuts."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "YOU ARE A MENTAL CASE."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "The theater has been in me all my life."

Alice: "Yeah, I knew that that wasn't your stomach. It was the balcony."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows you what you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

"The Worry Wart":

(Ralph thinks that the government is investigating him. Ed thought that Ralph put down his weight on an income tax form.)

Ralph: "Now would you mind telling me why I would put down my weight on an income tax form?"

Ed: "Why would I know? You're the one being investigated."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "When I win that $100, I am going to get myself some bowling shoes, a leather lumber jacket, and you are going to get a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Life upon the Wicked Stage":

(Alice is dressed up as a hula girl. Trixie is dressed up as a sailor. They are rehearsing for a talent contest. Ralph comes in.)

Ralph: "What are you doing and who is he?"

Alice: "That's Trixie."

Ralph (to Trixie): "All right. What are you doing and who is she (Alice)?"

"Songs & Witty Sayings":

Alice: "My mother had an offer to appear in silent pictures but she turned that down."

Ralph: "For your information, the reason why she did that was because she couldn't keep silent."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Conductor: "Gentlemen, what seems to be the trouble?"

Ralph: "What seems to be the trouble? I'll tell you what the trouble is. First, he makes his and my wife miss the train because he can't keep an eye on them. Then, he comes in here and puts handcuffs on my wrists. That isn't enough. I ask him does he want a drink of water, no. I ask him if he wants something to eat, no. He doesn't want anything until he gets up there and says that he wants a match. Then on top of everything, I have to be handcuffed to this idiot all the way to Minneapolis."

Conductor: "Minneapolis? Gentlemen, this train isn't going to Minneapolis. We are going in the other direction to Norfolk, Virginia."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ed: "How long is the lease for?"

Ralph: "The usual."

Ed: "What is the usual?"

Ralph: "99 years."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "My brothers don't eat like that."

Alice: "Your brothers don't eat like that? Then how come you are the one in the family that they call 'Skinny.'"

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "You want proof that I'm crazy? My leg won't go up."

Alice: "Your leg won't go up?"

Ralph: "That's right. I hit it with a hammer, but it didn't go up."

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "I want to do the things that young people do. That is what keeps you young."

Ralph: "You want to do things that young people do? Let's play games that young people play. Let's play 'House.' You'll be the mommy and I'll be the poppy. All right mommy - CLEAN UP!"

"Dial J For Janitor":

(The house phone is ringing.)

Ralph: "I'm not answering it. I'm not answering it. Let it ring-ring-ring because I'm not answering it."

Alice: "But they are playing your song."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Nobody is 100% Alice."

Alice: "You are. You have been wrong every time."

"Brother-In-Law":

Frank: "Hey Ralph, are you going to eat your soup?"

Ralph: "I'm not hungry."

Frank (about to grab the soup): "Well, I hate to see anything go to waste."

Ralph (taking the soup): "I just got hungry."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(All of them are in the lemon that is their cottage.)

Ralph (yells): "WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK ALICE? WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK? I AM TELLING YOU THIS PLACE IS GOING TO BE FIXED UP REAL GOOD."

Alice (yells): "YOU MADE A MISTAKE. WHY DON'T YOU ADMIT IT RALPH?"

Ralph (yells): "ALL RIGHT. I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I MADE A MISTAKE. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME."

Alice (yells): "DON'T TEMPT ME RALPH. DON'T TEMPT ME."

"My Fair Landlord":

(Ralph has just complained to Mr. Olsen that he does nothing for the apartment building. Ralph leaves.)

Mr. Olsen: "Your husband has got a lot of nerve saying that to me Mrs. Kramden. I do plenty around here. Last night, I was up until midnight waxing the stairs..."

Ralph (falling down the stairs, yells): "DUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed comes out with a sailboat. Ralph wants to take a bath.)

Ralph: "You don't mean to tell me that you kept me waiting out here for 20 minutes while you were in there playing with a boat in the tub?"

Ed: "I'm sorry Ralph. This is a new boat. We were on the Shakedown Cruise!"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(It's Alice's birthday and Ralph has forgotten it.)

Alice: "Ralph, you do remember what today is?"

Ralph: "Sure, it's my pool night."

Alice's Mom: "See? He's good for nothing."

Ralph: "How do you know? You never saw me shoot pool."

"You're In The Picture":

(The Kramdens and Nortons are shopping in Spain.)

Alice: "This only costs 120 posadas (sp?)."

Ralph: "Only 120 posadas? You think I am made of posadas?"

Alice: "I said posadas. Not potatoes."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Alice: "I read in a magazine once that 50% of pain is mental. 50% of that toothache is here (brain). The other 50% is here (mouth).

Ralph: "For your information, 100% of it is here (mouth). There is nothing up there (brain)."

"Love Letter":

Ralph: "A belt? Pretty small gift."

Alice: "Not with what you have to wrap it around."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "I was born under the sign of Pieces the fish."

Ralph: "You were born under the sign of Pistachio the Nut."

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "I want to do the things that young people do. That is what makes you young."

Ralph: "You want to do that? Let's play games that young people play. Let's play house. I will be the daddy and you will be the mommy. All right Mommy CLEAN UP!""Sleepy Time Gal":

Ed: "Trixie, you want to get upstairs to get some beefsteak?"

Trixie: "Why?"

Ed: "To put it on a black eye."

Trixie: "What black eye?"

Ed: "The one you are going to get if you don't go upstairs and put a
beefsteak on it."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a
financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ed: "Why don't you name the dog Ralph? This way, not only can people call him, dogs can call him too. Oh Ralph! Ralph! Ralph! Ralph!"

(Ed barks like a dog and scares Ralph.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!"

"Nephew of The Bride":

(Ralph tries to open the window to get Aunt Ethel's milk.)

Ethel: "Pull harder."

Ralph: "If I pull any harder, I will lift the building off the ground."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Trixie was down here and she said that she saw you on the show."

Ralph: "She was? Well, what did she say?"

Alice: "Well, she said that she was the biggest thing on TV."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Mr. Faversham says that I have something that is on stage and stretches out into the audience."

Alice (patting Ralph's stomach): "You certainly have."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

(Ed puts his cigarette in Alice's sink that is full of balloons.)

Ralph: "What kind of mind must a man have to put a lit cigarette in a sink loaded with balloons?"

Ed: "What kind of mind must you have to have a sink full of balloons?"

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Be kind to the people you meet on the way up because you are going to meet the same type of people on the way down."

Ed: "How true. ’Be kind to the people you meet on the way up because you are going to meet the same type of people on the way down.' Happens to me every day in the sewer."

"Vacation at Fred's Landing":

(Ralph picks out a small fish that he claimed that he had a big tug-of-war with.)

Alice: "This is the fish you had the tug-of-war with?"

Ralph: "He lost a lot of weight during the fight."

"Stand-In for Murder Part 1":

Ralph: "Help yourself to the food."

(Ralph puts food that Alice cooked on his plate. Ed puts a lot more on his plate.)

Ed: "I don't want to eat too much. I just had supper."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"We Spy":

(Ralph & Ed greet the girls wearing Russian uniforms. They try telling the girls the story about them being mistakes for spies in Russia.)

Ralph: "Honestly I am telling the truth. Where do you think we got these clothes from?"

Alice (reading the label on Ralph's uniform): "'The Fat Man's Shop.'"

"You're In the Picture":

Trixie: "You know, you can buy anything in here that is made out of straw."

Ed: "Good. I will buy you a broom."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You once said: 'Ralph, I would be happy to live in a tent with you.'"

Alice: "I am still willing. I think it would be an improvement."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "Do you care if I waste away?"

Alice: "Sure I do Ralph. But, you wouldn't waste away if you stayed awake for nine years."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ralph has a towel wrapped around his head.)

Ralph: "I got a toothache. Why do you think I have this thing on for?"

Ed: "I thought you were going to be a bunny rabbit on that TV commercial."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Ralph: "You are an idiot."

Ed: "Maybe I am an idiot, but I don't have a doorknob hanging out of my mouth."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Do you have anybody to call to tell them that you are going to be late for work?"

Ed: "Who am I going to call? Who am I going to call? If I am going to be late, I would write a note down and drop it in the nearest manhole."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Suppose I don't get Jackie Gleason. Suppose I get someone just as exciting."

Ed: "Don't worry Ralph. If you don't get Jackie Gleason, there will be an event just as exciting. The Hanging of Ralph Kramden."

"Goodnight Sweet Prince":

(Ralph is having trouble sleeping during the daytime due to him working the night shift.)

Ralph: "Freddie Muller is keeping me on the night shift. That bum. Well, he won't be able to get away with it. Wait until I get my hands on him."

Ed: "Calm down before you do anything rash. Maybe you better sleep on it first."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed took all of the waffles that were on the table.)

Ralph: "Can I have some waffles?"

Alice: "Don't tell me that you ate those already."

Ralph: "I didn't touch them. Henry VIII (Ed) got them ahead of me."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "How will they know that I am a Hurricane without the jacket?"

Alice: "Just open your mouth."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

(Alice laughs at Ralph's "Death letter.")

Alice: "This is a riot."

Ralph: "This is a riot. We will see how much of a riot it is when you have to finish the payments on the ice box."

"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "I am going to count to 10 and when I do, I am going to belt you."

Ed: "I am not scared of you. If you could count to 10, you wouldn't be investigated by the IRS."

Ralph (yells): "OUT!"

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "Loans are a bank's lifeblood."

Ralph: "Good because we are in desperate need of a transfusion."

"Mexican Hat Trick":
Ralph: "Well Norton, do I look like a gay Cabrello?"

Ed: "Let me see you walk."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Trixie was down here and she said that she saw you on the show."

Ralph: "She was? Well, what did she say?"

Alice: "Well, she said that she was the biggest thing on TV."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I know New York from top to bottom."

Ed: "I have been working in the sewer for years. I know New York from bottom to top."

“Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I'll get the $300 Alice. I'll get it if I have to sell everything in this house."

Alice: "Fine. But, what are you going to do about the other $280?"

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph is looking for a paper with his social security # on it.)

Ralph: "I think I found it. Here it is: 56-68-73."

Alice: "Those are the measurements for that new suit you bought."

"Hawaii! Oh! Oh!":

(After Ralph threatens that he and Ed are going to jump out the hotel window if the wives don't give them the money, Ed accidentally falls out.)

Ed: "I forgot. We are on the ground floor."

Ralph: "You don't know how to fall correctly."

Ed: "I would if we were on the 15th floor."

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "I want to do the things that young people do. That is what keeps you young."

Ralph: "You want to do things that young people do? Let's play games that young people play. Let's play 'House.' You'll be the mommy and I'll be the poppy. All right mommy - CLEAN UP!"

"Brother-In-Law":

Frank: "Hey Ralph, are you going to eat your soup?"

Ralph: "I'm not hungry."

Frank (about to grab the soup): "Well, I hate to see anything go to waste."

Ralph (taking the soup): "I just got hungry."

"My Fair Landlord":

(Ralph has just complained to Mr. Olsen that he does nothing for the apartment building. Ralph leaves.)

Mr. Olsen: "Your husband has got a lot of nerve saying that to me Mrs. Kramden. I do plenty around here. Last night, I was up until midnight waxing the stairs..."

Ralph (falling down the stairs, yells): "DUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "When the girls get here, I want them to get a good impression. So keep your mouth shut."

Ed: "If you want them to have a good impression, keep the door shut."

"In Twenty-Five Words or Less":

Ed: "Hey, why don't you name the dog 'Ralph'?"

Ralph: "'Ralph?'"

Ed: "Yeah, that way not only people can call him, dogs can call him. Ralph. Ralph."

(Ed makes barking sounds.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Cupid Part 1":

Ed: "Is Ralph home?"

Alice: "No."

Ed: "He must be out with some blonde."

"The Safety Award":

Ralph: "A group of men are picked to do a job, trained in the same fashion as each other, and there's always one man in the group that stands out far in front of the others."

Ed: "If you stood out any more in front you wouldn't be able to get behind the wheel of a bus!"

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: (going to play the coronet) "I dont know if I rememeber this song I got the music right here."

Alice : "Stand back Ed this is liable to be messy."

Ralph: "You're liable to be messy in a about 5 seconds from now!!"

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down a street, there ain't no other side."

"The Babysitter":

(Ralph & Ed are at a barber shop. Ed uses some of the barber's tools.)

Ralph: "Don't you realize that this is man's place of business? How would you like it if some person went to where you work and helped himself to whatever he could find?"

Ed: "Help himself to what?"

"Finders Keepers":

(Ed just beat Ralph at pinball. Because of that, Ed won the box of Italina Creams.)

Ed: "Ralph, we have been friends too long to let a box of Italian Creams to come between us. So, what I am going to do is take this home, Trixie will have the bottom half, Alice will have the top layer, and the box, which is suitable for framming, is yours."

Ralph: "Why don't you shut up?"

"Box Top Kid Part 1":

(Ralph is making Ed write a letter saying how Flakey Wakey has made him thin.)

Ralph: "'Before I started eating Flakey Wakey, I weighed 250 pounds. I now weigh...'"

Ed: "'260 pounds.'"

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in New York City that is strong enough to do that."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "Talk is cheap."

Alice: "It must be or you would have never opened your mouth."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "At last, I have a bathtub that I can be comfy in."

Alice: "What did you order, a round one?"

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "The Nortons had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a much smarter guy than I am."

Alice's Mom: "So you admit it."

Ralph: "Sure. He took one look at you and refused to marry her."

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

All times are Eastern.

Mon. Dec. 13, 2010 1a (CC) #79 (aka #81) - *“Peacemaker”: Ralph acts as peacemaker when Norton and Trixie's fighting keeps him awake all night.

1:30a (CC) #83 (aka #134/#13) - “‘Expectant Father’/‘The Cold’”: (For “Expectant Father”): Alice secretly gets a job in a doctor's office. Ralph mistakenly concludes that Alice is pregnant. (For “The Cold”): Ralph has a terrible cold and thinks Alice wants him to die so she can collect his insurance money.

Mon. Dec. 20, 2010 1a (CC) #81 (aka #55) – “Stand-In For Murder ('54 version) (Part One)”: A gangster finds out he is about to be killed by a rival gang. His men discover that Ralph is an amazing look-alike for their boss, and decided to use poor Ralph as a stand-in for murder. FUN FACT -This is the second time in the series Jackie Gleason played a dual role.

1:30a (CC) #82 – “Stand-In For Murder ('54 version) (Part Two)”: Ralph thinks he's gotten the break of his life when he gets a new high-paying position and he and Alice move into a luxury apartment. Meanwhile, the rival gang tries to kill Ralph. FUN FACT -This episode ran overtime and was never completed.

(WNJN Montclair, NJ PBS affiliate) & (NJN-1 [HD feed of NJN])

One hour.

Tue. Dec. 14 1a & Sun. Dec. 19, 2010 11p (CC) Various clips are shown of Jackie Gleason showing his comedic brilliance.

Credit goes to zap2it.com, the honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & John K's Book To The Moon.

"TV or Not TV":

(Ralph is trying to tell Alice that he has more money in is wallet than Ed.)

Ralph: "I have it here."

(Ralph points to his hip pocket.)

Alice: "You have it here..." (Points to her left hip.) "...you have it here..." (Points to her right hip.) "...and you have it here." (Points to her stomach.)

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "What is the first thing that a person has to do if he wants to sell something?"

Ed: "Well, first they look your name (Ralph's) in the phonebook and then they try to sell it to you."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "What kind of life do you think that I lead in this city driving a bus all day? What do I hear? Taxi horns, police whistles, fire engines, breaks schreeching and people hollering. When I finish my work and come home what do I hear? Babies crying, garbage cans-a-rattlin', peddles-a-yellin'. I ask you. What do I have to do to get a little peace and quiet?"

Alice: "Why don't you shut up?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ralph: "The person who lent me this place was an ex-GI."

Alice: "Who was he, Benedict Arnold?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ed: "I know a person who died from stubbing his toe?"

Man: "Stubbing his toe? How is that possible?"

Ed: "He stubbed it on the Grand Canyon's edge."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

Bing: "Looks like you run a very democratic household Ralph."

Trixie: "Yeah, you know what happened to them in the last election."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "The theater has been in me all my life."

Alice: "Yeah, I knew that that wasn't your stomach. It was the balcony."

"The Golfer":

(Ralph picks up the cotton ball.)

Ralph (yells): "OW! IT HAS PINS IN IT."

Ed: "What did you expect. chicken noddles?"

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

(Ralph's boss made Ed Ralph's supervisor.)

Ralph: "It's not my pride."

Alice: "Well, your job is still the same."

Ralph: "Let's face it Alice. When Norton becomes my boss, I'm quitting."

Alice: "Why?"

Ralph: "I got my pride."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ed puts a lit match near the thermometer.)

Ed: 'Hey Ralph, what is a normal temperature, around 98 isn't it?"

Ralph: "98.6."

Ed: "What would you say a bad temperature is?"

Ralph: "102. 103. What is it Norton? What is my temperature?"

(A pause.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT IS MY TEMPERATURE NORTON?"

Ed (starting to cry, yells): "111."

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous, that I couldn't answer the first question."

Ralph: "What question was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"Head of The House":

Ed: "In my household, I am the boss of the household."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmm."

Ed: "I think that any man that is afraid of his wife, isn't a man."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmmm."

Ed: "And I can't stree this too strongly that a husband is the boss."

Interviewer: "Yes?"

Ed: "Now don't quote me because if my wife reads that, she will kill me."

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Alice: "You and Norton will have to sleep out in the kitchen."

Ralph: "Just a moment. Whenever you mother or your Aunt Ethel comes, I have to sleep in the kitchen. It's a good thing that we don't have a cat because if he ever wanted to sleep in the kitchen, I would have to sleep in a box out in the hall."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph is impatiently waiting for Ed to get out of the bathtub so he can take a bath. Ralph is worried that he will be late for work with all the waiting that he is doing.)

Alice: "We will make a schedule. One morning, Ed will use the bathroom first. The next morning, you will use it first."

Ralph: "That solves the whole problem. Now, I will only be late every other day."

"Follow The Boys":

Alice: "Ed learned a new word."

Ralph: "Oh, he knows four words now."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "I think the wallpaper is pretty. Alice thinks it is rotten. waht do you think?"

(Ed looks at it.)

Ed: "I think that you are both right. It's pretty rotten."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Spell antidistanttablihmentterrism (sp?)."

Ralph: "I'll spell it...I'll spell it...I'll spell it."

Alice: "Well, go ahead."

Ralph: "I will spell it when you give me $16,000."

"Hello Mom":

Ralph: "There was plenty of girls that were crazy about me and you know it. When I went to the beach, the used to scatter all around me."

Alice: "Sure they did that. That doesn't mean that they were crazy about you. They just wanted to sit in the shade."

Ed: "Ha ha ha."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "SHUT UP!"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Trixie: "Maybe the radiator needs some water."

Ralph: "Well now that is very clever and just which one of the Pep Boys are you, Manny, Moe or Jack?" (yells): "IF I HAD ANYT WATER, I WOULD PUT IT IN THERE."

Trixie: "Ralph, I was only thinking..."

Ralph (yells): "WELL, DON'T THINK. JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT."

Ed: "Just a minute. You seem to forget that she's my wife and I don't like you yelling at her that way." (to Trixie, yells): "NOW STOP THINKING AND SHUT UP."

"A Dog's Life":

Alice: "I'm beginning to think that these Emergency Raccoon Meetings are nothing but a poker game."

Ed: "Alice, I'm surprised to even hear you say that. An Emergency Meeting is an Emergency Meeting. Not a poker game. An Executive Meeting, that's a poker game."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "Let's face it Alice. You are living off the fat of the land."

Alice: "Let's face it Ralph. You ARE the fat of the land."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(It's Alice's birthday and Ralph has forgotten it.)

Alice: "Ralph, you do remember what today is?"

Ralph: "Sure, it's my pool night."

Alice's Mom: "See? He's good for nothing."

Ralph: "How do you know? You never saw me shoot pool."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Maybe your sisters have it better than we have. But, I have more expenses. I got more expenses than all of them put together."

Alice: "Sure Ralph, they don't get suits for their husbands from The Fat Man's Shop."

"This Is Your Life Part One":

(Ralph is trying to catch people in the poolroom in hoping of finding who's seeing Alice. He already interviewed one person.)

Ralph: "Hey you."

Fat Man: "You talking to me?"

Ralph: "Never mind."

Ed: "Well, that's three down."

Ralph: "Three down?"

Ed: "He counts for two, doesn't he?"

"Nephew of The Bride":

(Ralph found out that Alice's Aunt Ethel and Herman are moving in since Herman lives at the YMCA. He picks up his hat and puts it on.)

Alice: "Where are you going?"

Ralph: "To the YMCA."

"Hello Mom":

Alice: "My mother is coming and you are going to be nice to her."

Ralph: "I'm going to be nice to her. That's impossible. We don't get along. We're enemies. Natural enemies like a boa constrictor and a mongoose."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Trixie was down here and she said that she saw you on the show."

Ralph: "She was? Well, what did she say?"

Alice: "Well, she said that she was the biggest thing on TV."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Mr. Faversham says that I have something that is on stage and stretches out into the audience."

Alice (patting Ralph's stomach): "You certainly have."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

(Ed puts his cigarette in Alice's sink that is full of balloons.)

Ralph: "What kind of mind must a man have to put a lit cigarette in a sink loaded with balloons?"

Ed: "What kind of mind must you have to have a sink full of balloons?"

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Be kind to the people you meet on the way up because you are going to meet the same type of people on the way down."

Ed: "How true. ’Be kind to the people you meet on the way up because you are going to meet the same type of people on the way down.' Happens to me every day in the sewer."

"Vacation at Fred's Landing":

(Ralph picks out a small fish that he claimed that he had a big tug-of-war with.)

Alice: "This is the fish you had the tug-of-war with?"

Ralph: "He lost a lot of weight during the fight."

"Stand-In for Murder Part 1":

Ralph: "Help yourself to the food."

(Ralph puts food that Alice cooked on his plate. Ed puts a lot more on his plate.)

Ed: "I don't want to eat too much. I just had supper."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"We Spy":

(Ralph & Ed greet the girls wearing Russian uniforms. They try telling the girls the story about them being mistakes for spies in Russia.)

Ralph: "Honestly I am telling the truth. Where do you think we got these clothes from?"

Alice (reading the label on Ralph's uniform): "'The Fat Man's Shop.'"

"You're In the Picture":

Trixie: "You know, you can buy anything in here that is made out of straw."

Ed: "Good. I will buy you a broom."

"Alice & The Blonde":

(Alice catches Ralph sneeking into their apartment.)

Alice: "Ralph, do you know what time it is?"

Ralph: "Yeah, it's a little after 11."

Alice: "Yeah, about three hours after 11."

"The Sleepwalker":

(Ed has been annoying Ralph while Ralph is trying to get some sleep.)

Ed: "Ralph, are you sure you don't want a kumpquat?"

Ralph (rolling over in bed, yells): "WILL YOU GET TO BED?"

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

(We learn that Ed took the bag of groceries for his lunch.)

Ed: "I have one complaint though. Those cookies were very stale."

Trixie: "What cookies?"

Ed: "Those little round ones."

Trixie: "Those were brillow pads."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is letting astrology run his life.)

Ralph: "There is nothing I can do about it. It is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"Move Uptown":

(The Kramdens and Trixie are outside.)

Ralph: "Where is Norton? We have to load the trailor."

Trixie: "I don't know."

(Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bong! Boom!)

(Ed comes out with pots and pans tied around him.)

Ralph: "Why do you have to make so much noise for?"

Ed: "Shh."

Ralph: "Don't 'shh' me."

Trixie: "Did you hurt yourself?"

Ed: "No, luckily the pots and pans broke my fall."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ralph: "The more brains people have, the less hair they got."

Alice (feeling Ralph's hair): "I rest my case."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Alice is dressed like a young woman.)

Alice: "Who is going to look at me Ralph? I'm an old woman."

Ralph: "Who would look at an old woman? An old man."

Alice: "Yeah? You should know."

"Ralph's Gone Hollywood":

Ralph: "Don't you know an assgot when you see one?"

Ed: "You certainly are."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "Don't take any pictures of Dr. Norton. He's very modest."

Ed: "I wouldn't mind a few pictures."

"Norton Moves In" (Color):

(The Nortons come down and ask if they can spend the night since they can't stand the smell of the new paint in their house. Alice okays it. They leave. Ralph is still asleep.)

Ralph: "3am? Why did you wake me up at this time for?"

Alice: "Because the Nortons had their apartment painted today."

Ralph: "Did that newsflash just come across the radio?"

"Brother-In-Law":

Ralph: "You are a doer and I'm a thinker."

Ed: "You certainly are."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ed (looking at a map): "Here's New York City, that is where we started from. Then we go through the Lincoln Tunnel. This black dot here is Jersey City. This black dot here is Bayoone."

Ralph: "Well, Bayoone moving. That's an ant."

Ed: "Let's follow the ant. He looks like he knows where he is going."

"A Man's Pride":

Alice: "Why can't we go to the Colonade Room?"

Ralph: "Name me one truck driver who eats there?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph is at the dog pound. He just gave back Alice's dog that he hated, but slowly and surely he started not hating it.)

Ralph: "Is my dog going to get a good home?"

Man: "I hope so."

Ralph: "What do you mean by that?"

Man: "We have several dogs who are only supposed to be here for four days. We got several who are over the limit."

Ralph: "What happens to the dogs who are over the limit?"

Man: "They have to be destoryed."

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that the dog I just gave back is going to be destroyed?" (going into the room where all the dogs are, yells): "WAIT A MINUTE!"

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ed: "I know a person who died from stubbing his toe?"

Man: "Stubbing his toe? How is that possible?"

Ed: "He stubbed it on the Grand Canyon's edge."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is that no-good janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be tough with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and you have to tell him off good."

Alice: "I was witing for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I am home. So, go down there and tell him off."

"Sees All, Knows All":

(The fortune teller is looking in her crystal ball.)

Fortune Teller: "It is cloudy. It is cloudy."

Ed: "Ralph, who do you know named Cloudy?"

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Ed (bringing in the cot): "Hi folks! I hope I didn't disturb your sleep."

Ralph: "No, you didn't. I get up every morningat 3am. That way, I can get a seat on the subway going to work."

"Pal O' Mine":

(Ed just showed the ring that he is going to give to his boss, Jim McKeever.)

Alice: "Why didn't you get the store where you got this from to gift-wrap it for you?"

Ed: "Oh, they got some silly rule down there. 'No gift-wrapping for any purchase less than $3."

"Box Top Kid Part One":

Trixie: "Ed believes that before you go to Europe, you should see a bit of America first. So we made a list. So far this year, we have scratched off Bayoone, Yonkers & Scranton."

Alice: "What are you going to scratch off this year?"

Trixie: "I would like to scratch off Norton."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I would say that by listening to that motor there that the amateor sprocket is causing interference which in turn causes the combustion line to interfere with the flow in the dynaflow."

Ralph: "Now what does that mean?"

Ed: "I don't know."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "One of these days, you are going to push me too far."

Alice's Mom: "The only thing that can push you is a bulldozer."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You got rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head. I got rocks in my head. I got NOTHING in my head."

"The Main Event":

(Ed is showing off his boxing skill for Dynamite.)

Ed: "Cover up your face Ralph! Cover your face! Cover your face!"

(Ralph covers his face. Ed hits him in the stomach.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!...OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!...OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! WHY DID YOU HIT ME IN THE STOMACH WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO COVER MY FACE!"

Ed (yells): "I WAS SHOWING DYNAMITE NOT TO TRUST ANYBODY IN THE RING."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "Can I use your phone?"

Ed: "No, Trixie is dressing."

Ralph: "But the phone is in the kitchen."

Ed: "That is where she is dressing. There is no window shade in the bedroom."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "What theme should we use for the dance?"

Ed: "How about the Vikings discovering America?"

Ralph: "You want to use that theme in the Sons of Italy hall?"

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ed puts a lit match near the thermometer.)

Ed: 'Hey Ralph, what is a normal temperature, around 98 isn't it?"

Ralph: "98.6."

Ed: "What would you say a bad temperature is?"

Ralph: "102. 103. What is it Norton? What is my temperature?"

(A pause.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT IS MY TEMPERATURE NORTON?"

Ed (starting to cry, yells): "111."

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous, that I couldn't answer the first question."

Ralph: "What question was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "Your mom's apartment is too small for us."

Alice: "You didn't say that when we lived there before. Mother's apartment is getting smaller."

Ed: "Yeah, but Ralph is getting bigger."

"The New Manager":

Ralph: "I know. We will take the Nortons on our honeymoon."

Trixie: "Ralph, you don't want us on your honeymoon."

Ed: "Will you keep quiet woman?"

"Head of The House":

Ed: "In my household, I am the boss of the household."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmm."

Ed: "I think that any man that is afraid of his wife, isn't a man."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmmm."

Ed: "And I can't stree this too strongly that a husband is the boss."

Interviewer: "Yes?"

Ed: "Now don't quote me because if my wife reads that, she will kill me."

"Head of The House":

Ralph: "Men are responsible for the shape the world is in."

Alice: "Well, I am glad to hear one of you finally admit it."

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in the broken-down hotel.)

Ralph: "We can knock down those cobwebs."

Alice: "I wouldn't do that Ralph. They are holding up the wall."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "I don't want to take Trixie. I took her on my last trip. She was on my case. She told me I couldn't bowl, I couldn't play pool etc. She just ruined everything."

Ralph: "When was this?"

Ed: "On our honeymoon."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You mean to tell me that you are willing to give up your life insurance for this crazy idea? That settles it Ralph. That settles it. You have rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head? I got rocks in my head? I got NOTHING in my head."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ed: "All I can say is you will be tickled pink when Ralph comes home and says that him and me are going to buy a summer cottage for the four of us and it is only going to cost $989."

Alice: "You mean you are going to buy what for whom and it is only going to cost how much?"

Ed: "I can't tell you. It's a secret."

"Follow The Boys":

Alice: "Ed just learned a new word."

Ralph: "Oh, he knows three words now?"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "I am no crackpot."

Doctor: "We don't use the word 'crackpot' Mr. Kramden. We use the word 'patient.'"

(Intercom rings.)

Doctor (answering the intercom): "Excuse me, I'm with a patient."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "You don't think I'm crazy. My leg won't go up."

Alice: "What?"

Ralph: "That's right. I hit it with a hammer, but it wouldn't go up."

Alice (starting to laugh): "If you keep talking like that, they will come with a net and take you away."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Alice: "I burned my finger on that darn stove."

Ralph: "Gee, that's a shame. If you are not buring yourself, it's my food."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "What is your mother's name Mrs. Norton?"

Ed: "Mrs. Norton."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "Why did you bring that tie?"

Ed: "What is wrong with it?"

Ralph: "Look at the stain on it."

Ed: "That's okay. It's pot roast."

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down the street, there AIN'T no other side."

"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):

Alice: "I got Ralph a new belt. I want to make sure it fits."

Trixie: "If it doesn't, you can always exchange it for a larger size."

Alice: "There ain't no larger size."

"The Hypnotist Part 2":

(Mike Case is about to hypnotize Alice to get her to tell Ralph where the money is so he can use it on the convention.)

Ralph (to Mike Case): "You might think that this is a little underhanded, but all's fair in love and war."

Ed: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"Brother-In-Law":

(Ralph leaps on to the couch to get the mouse. Ralph gets dust all over himeslf.)

Ed: "Did you get the mouse Ralph?"

Ralph: "No, I didn't get him."

Ed: "Then everybody stay quiet."

Ralph: "Why should we do that?"

Ed: "So we can hear the mouse. With all this dust around, he's bound to start coughing."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This is the biggest thing that I ever got into."

Alice: "The biggest thing you ever got into was your pants."

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph just lost the money from the lodge.)

Ralph: "Let's not get panicky."

Alice: "Ralph, did you put the money in an envelope?"

Ralph: "See? Now you are getting panicky."

"Norton Moves In":

(Ralph gets hurt by Norton's lit cigarette that Norton accidently dropped.)

Alice: "What happened?"

Ralph (yells): "NORTON WANTED TO HAVE A CIGARETTE."

Alice: "So?"

Ralph (yells): "HE USED ME FOR AN ASHTRAY."

"King of The Castle":

(Alice & Trixie are in Trixie's apartment. From the hallway, Ralph is moaning. Ralph is trying to play the sympathy routine. Alice is on to it.)

Alice: "If I don't pay attention, the moan is going to come in spurts like this: 'Whoooa-Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho!"

Ralph (from hallway, moans loudly): "WHOOOA-HO-HO-HO-HO! WHOOOA-HO-HO-HO-HO!"

"Manager of The Baseball Team" (Color):

Trixie: "Ralph has a good head on his shoulders."

Ed: "What is this on my shoulders, a volleyball?"

(The Kramdens & Nortons are driving in a bus to find a Christmas tree.)

Ralph: "Time to find a good-old fashioned Christmas tree for free."

Alice: "Ralph, tell me somehting, didn't they invent tree lots so people wouldn't have to waist a Thursday night to find one?"

Ralph: "They did it Alice because people are stupid to pay $85 for a tree that has no meaning."

Ed: "Yeah, me and my sewermen bought a tree for the sewer because we knew that there was a 75% chance that it was going to wash away. Of course, I did buy a $245 pre-lit tree on credit."

Trixie: "When the bill collectors come, I play the piano to drive them away."

Ralph: "There is one right there. Good thing that Mr. Marshall allowed me to use this inactive bus for me to get our tree."

(Ralph stops the bus. The tree is huge.)

Alice: "Ralph, that tree is big."

Ralph: "No, it's just full."

Ed: "Hey Ralph, did you remember the saw?"

(Minutes later, the tree is tied to the roof and it is revealed that the tree was dug out of the ground.)

(Alice & Trixie are in the Kramden apartment. The boys are carrying the tree.)

Ralph (from hallway, yells): "COME ON NORTON! WE ONLY HAVE TWENTY MORE STEPS AND BE CAREFUL. YOU ARE GETTING SAP ALL OVER."

Ed (from hallway, yells): "I AM TRYING RALPH!"

Ralph (yells): "I WILL COUNT TO THREE AND THEN WE WILL LIFT AND HEAVE-HO! 1...2...3....WHY AREN'T YOU LIFTING?"

Ed (from hallway, yells): "WE DIDN'T HEAVE-HO!"

McGarrity (from hallway, yells): "HEY KRAMDEN, THAT TREE IS ALMOST AS BIG AS YOU. WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO PLANT IT?"

Ralph (from hallway, yells): "I WILL TELL YOU BUT YOU WOULD GET UPSET."

Alice: "Oh boy."

Trixie: "What a Christmas this will be."

(The tree has made it in. It is tied up. The rug is full of pine needles.)

Ed: "Time to cut the tree Ralph."

Ralph: "Okay Ed."

(Ralph gets the scissors.)

Ralph: "Alice, this is the perfect tree."

(Ralph cuts the tree. The tree is so big that it knocks off things off the shelf and breaks the glass window.)

Ralph (yells): "YOU MENTAL CASE NORTON! YOU SHOULD HAVE STOPPED ME FROM PUTTING THE TREE OVER BY THE WINDOW."

McGarrity (from upstairs, yells): "WAS THAT NOISE BECAUSE OF YOUR TREE KRAMDEN? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Ralph: "Oooh, he will get his."

(Later on. Ralph and Ed are on the fire escape putting up Christmas lights.)

Ralph: "All right Norton. Our windows will be the greatest looking windows this holiday season."

Ed: "Oh yes. You are a smart kid Ralph-ie boy."

(Ed slaps Ralph on the back which causes Ralph to drop the lights onto the pavement below.)

Ralph (yells): "YOU STUPID STUPE! YOU MADE ME DROP THE LIGHTS."

Ed: "Sorry Ralph. Talk about shedding some light on the subject."

Ralph (yells): "I WILL SHED SOMETHING BUT IT WILL BE YOU."

(On Christmas Eve night, the Kramdens and Nortons are having Christmas Eve dinner. Alice's parents walk in much to Ralph's dismay.)

Alice's Mom: "Oh, I see that Santa has decided to have Christmas Eve dinner with us."

Ralph: "Ooooh."

Alice: "So nice for us to have you over. Merry Christmas to you Mom & Dad."

Alice's Dad: "Look at the size of that tree. It looks huge."

Ralph: "I picked it out."

Alice's Mom: "Figures. Good thing that there is no stocking for Ralph here. I know what he is going to get."

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph: "Oooooh! Shut up Norton!"

(They are having Christmas Eve dinner.)

Ralph: "You know I got told by a friend of mine that Santa is supposed to be over Miami Beach right now."

Ed: "You serious Ralph?"

Ralph: "You have got to be a very big kid at heart Norton."

(Later on, there arose such a clatter.)

Ralph: "What is that noise?"

(Ralph looks up the fire escape.)

Ralph: "It looks like a burglar dressed as Santa. "

Ed: "I will call 911...What's the number?"

Ralph (yells): "DIAL 9-1-1!"

(To be continued.)

"Catch A Star":

Alice: "Ralph, if you think that you are going to get Jackie Gleason to come to this dance of yours, you are out of your mind."

Ralph: "There she (Alice) is: Happy Mildred!"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

(Ralph is at the psychiatrist's office.)

Doctor (to Ralph): "You are going to like this. This is fun. This is an aptitude test."

Ed: "Can three people play?"

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Nobody is 100% Alice."

Alice: "You are. You have been wrong every time."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and me."

Ed: "This poolroom isn't big enough for you and anybody."

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "You're not stopping me. I am loaded with ideas."

Alice: "Anybody who hears those ideas will sure think that you are loaded."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "Another tail may be hanging from this Raccoon cap. Then another and another. Pretty soon, I can become a thirteen-tail man. Do you know what that is like Alice, to be a thirteen-tail man?"

Alice: "It must be pretty special since a monkey only has one."

"Unconventional Behavior":

(Ed & Ralph are handcuffed on a train. Ed tried saying "Boomph" to get out, like he was instructed but it doesn't work.)

Ralph: "I have had enough of the boomphing. Get the key out and open them up."

Ed: "There isn't a key. You got to boomph your way out."

Ralph (yells): "I AM GOING TO BOOMPH YOU OUT OF THE WHOLE CAR."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "I am the General. What I say goes."

Alice: "Then you better say Alice because I am going."

"Follow The Boys":

(Ralph comes home to a candlelit dinner.)

Alice: "Hello Ralph!"

Ralph: "So you forgot to pay the electric bill, huh?"

"Hero Part 1":

Mrs Halloway: "'He also says that if anybody says anything bad about you, he is willing to fight them."

Ed: "That kid is going to have a lot of fighting to do."

(Ed calls 911. The person comes onto Kramden’s fire escape. The person is dressed as Santa Claus.)

Ralph: “Santa Claus?”

Man: “Oh sorry people. I thought that this was the Mullins apartment. My name is Chris Kringle. I am not the person you think I am. I thought that I would dress up as St. Nick and surprise the Mullins. The front door to this brownstone is locked.”

Ralph: “Oh, that Mr. Johnson. He is so dumb.”

Ed: “St. Nick? Oh, you didn’t give us any presents?”

Ralph: “Norton, did you hear that this guy’s name is St. Nick. He is not the Santa that you know.”

Ed: “Oh. For a minute there, I thought you weren’t going to give me that pair of flippers for my job. I work in the sewer.”

Chris: “Oh!”

Ralph: “The Mullins apartment is downstairs. You can use our door.”

(The cops come.)

Cop: “Is this the intruder? St. Nick. I never thought I would have to arrest
you.”

Chris: “Oh sorry. I thought that this was the Mullins apartment. My name is Chris Kringle. I am not the person you think I am. I thought that I
would dress up as St. Nick and surprise the Mullins. The front door to this
brownstone is locked.”

Ralph: “Oh, that Mr. Johnson. He is so dumb.”

Ed: “Sorry. I didn’t know.” (starting to cry): “Please don’t put me in jail.”

Ralph: “Oh shut up!”

Cop: “That is all right. Merry Christmas folks.”

(The cops leave.)

Chris: “Merry Christmas. (going down the hallway): “On Dancer, on Prancer…”

Ralph: “It’s now Christmas. Why don’t we open up all our gifts here.”

Trixie: “Ed, this gift is from me.”

Ed: “Thank you.”

(Ed unwraps it.)

Ed: “Wow! Just what I needed. A DVD box set of the seventh season of
Spongebob Squarepants.”

(Ed presents Trixie with his gift.)

Trixie: “Oh Ed! This is beautiful. It is another orange juice squeezer.”

(They hug and kiss.)

Ralph: “Alice, this is my gift to you. Wait until you see it.”

Alice: “Ralph, this is beautiful. A gold ring from Kay Jewelers.”

Ralph: “Yeah. What an experience I had going there. One of the customers outside called it Gay Jewelers. I thought that was funny.”

(Ralph opens his gift.)

Ralph: “It’s a bowling bag ball. I mean a bowling ball bag. Thank you.”

(They hug and kiss.)

Alice’s Dad: “Time for your gift honey.”

(Alice’s Mom opens up her gift.)

Alice’s Mom: “Oh, it is beautiful. It is an orange juice squeezer.”

Alice’s Dad: “You squeeze the orange on Napoleon’s head and the juice squirts out of his ears. It is made by Kenmore.”

(Alice’s Dad opens his gift.)

Alice’s Dad: “Thank you. It’s an Ipad.”

Ralph: "You know people, I say this every year. But, Christmas is...well it's about the best time of the whole year. You walk down the streets even weeks before Christmas comes and there are lights hanging up – red ones and green ones. Sometimes there's snow. Everybody's hustling someplace. But they don't hustle around Christmas time like they usually do. You know, they're a little friendlier. They bump into you and they laugh and say 'Pardon me, Merry Christmas'. Especially when it gets real close to Christmas night. Everybody's walking home – you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringing, kids are singing, and the snow is coming down and boy, what a pleasure it is to think that you got someplace to go to and the place you're going to has someone in it that you really love. Someone that you're nuts about. Merry Christmas!"

(They each kiss and hug their respective partners. The curtain starts to close but Jackie stops it.)

Jackie: "Ladies and gentlemen, we don't normally step out of character this way, but I want to change things up. Let's introduce every one of the cast. First: Jean Kean."

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "Art Carney."

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "Wait a second. In honor of the Christmas season, all of us should sing: 'Silent Night.' So, Mr. Spear if you please. I hope you didn't get too tipsy with the eggnog."

(Everyone laughs.)

Jackie: "I know you like to drink."

(Everyone laughs.)

Jackie: "Away we go."

(Sammy Spear plays silent night.)

Everyone (sings): Silent night, holy night!
All is calm, all is bright.
Round yon Virgin, Mother and Child.
Holy infant so tender and mild,
Sleep in heavenly peace,
Sleep in heavenly peace.
Silent night, holy night!
Shepherds quake at the sight.
Glories stream from heaven afar
Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia,
Christ the Savior is born!
Christ the Savior is born.
Silent night, holy night!
Son of God love's pure light.
Radiant beams from Thy holy face
With dawn of redeeming grace,
Jesus Lord, at Thy birth.
Jesus Lord, at Thy birth.

(They finish up the rest of the song. Audience applauds.)

Jackie (yells): “MERRY CHRISTMAS! THE MIAMI BEACH AUDIENCES ARE THE
GREATEST AUDIENCES IN THE WORLD! GOOD NIGHT!”

(Audience cheers.)


"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph (knocking on door): "Got any mashed potatoes out there?"

(Door opens.)

Ralph: "I said do you have any mashed potatoes out there?"

Cook: "We don't even have anything else to throw away."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "Throw a punch at me and I will duck."

(Ed throws a punch and hits Ralph.)

Ed: "Hey, that's some ducking Ralph. I can never hit you the second time."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ed: "Now listen Ralph, as long as we are neighbors, you don't have to call me Norton. Call me Edwardo."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph. Your my husband."

Ralph: "No, I'm your brother."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Ralph, I told my boss that I am not married and that I live with my brother. So, when he gets here tonight, you are my brother."

(Ralph walks into the bedroom.)

Ralph (coming out, yells): "WHAT?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(The Kramdens and Nortons are in the lemon that is their cottage.)

Ralph: "What do you think is the first thing we should do here?"

Alice: "Burn it down."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

(Ralph is trying to stand on his bad leg while Ed is cracking walnuts.)

Ralph (yells): "I BROKE IT ALICE! I BROKE IT!"

Alice: "That was Ed cracking walnuts."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "YOU ARE A MENTAL CASE."

"The Main Event":

(Ralph & Ed are sparing in front of Dynamite Moran.)

Ed: "Cover up your face Ralph! Cover your face! Cover your face!"

(Ralph covers his face. Ed hits him in the stomach.)

Ralph
(yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGH...OOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! WHY DID YOU HIT ME IN THE STOMACH WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO COVER MY FACE?"

Ed (yells): "I WAS JUST TRYING TO TEACH DYNAMITE NOT TO TRUST ANYBODY IN THE RING."

"We Spy":

Trixie: "Ralph, why didn't you help Ed carrying the suitcases?"

Ralph: "Because I strained my back."

Alice: "How?"

Ralph: "When I put the suitcases in his arms."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ed: "Don't you think that I should be climbing on that ladder?"

Ralph: "So, you are saying that I'm too fat to climb this ladder. Why don't you just say it?"

Ed: "I don't have too. You just did."

Ralph: "My wife may not be alone on the moon."

(Ralph goes into the bedroom with the ladder. He climbs up it.)

Ralph (falling, yells): "DUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Move Uptown":

(Everyone is outside helping the Kramdens move.)

Ralph: "Where is Norton? We got to load the trailor?"

Trixie: "I don't know."

(Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bang! Boom! Ed comes down with pots and pans tied on him.)

Ralph: "Why are you making so much noise for?"

Ed: "Shh."

Ralph: "Don't 'shh' me."

Trixie: "Did you get hurt?"

Ed: "No, luckily the pots and pans broke my fall."

"Move Uptown":

Ralph: "That peephole is there just in case if someone is knocking on the door and you don't want to let them in, like a delivery boy."

Ed: "The only thing that you can deliver through there is a salami."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "I am now going to put the key under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order for you to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't handle."

"The Sleepwalker":

(The doctor gives Ed a shot.)

Doctor: "I want you to count backwards from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"To Whom It May Concern":

(Ralph is getting Ed to write the nasty remarks that he wants in his letter to the boss.)

Ralph: "I don't know what else to say."

Ed: "Maybe it's a good time for you to say that you want your job back."

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down the street, there AIN'T no other side."

"Hawaii! Oh! Oh!":

(After Ralph threatens that him and Ed are going to jump out the hotel window if the wives don't give them the money, Ed accidentally falls out.)

Ed: "I forgot. We are on the ground floor."

Ralph: "You don't know how to fall correctly."

Ed: "I would if we were on the 15th floor."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "When the girls get here, I want them to get a good impression. So keep your mouth shut."

Ed: "If you want them to have a good impression, keep the door shut."

"Honeymooners Christmas Party Part 2":

Ed: "Tomorrow my relatives are coming. They will be looking at the tree."

Trixie: "If I know your relatives, they will be sitting in the tree."

"Honeymooners Christmas Party Part 1":

(Alice finishes decorating the tree. Ralph notices.)

Alice: "You certainly were no help."

Ralph: "What do you mean? I picked out tree, didn't I?"

Alice: "But I carried it home, didn't I?"

"Santa & The Bookies":

Ralph: "I can get my friend to help me but I want to tell you. He's not as smart as I am."

"Mr. Smith #1": He's not as smart as you?"

Ralph: "Yes."

"Mr. Smith #2": "He's hired."

All from "Run, Santa, Run":

#1:

Ralph: "It's a woman priviledge to tell her man that she's pregnant. I can't let her know that I know that she's pregnant."

Ed: "If it was the other way around, you would tell her."

#2:

(Ralph thinks that Alice is pregnant. Alice doesn't know.)

Alice: "You deserve a hot supper."

Ralph: "When should we expect it?"

#3:

Ralph: "That kid is going to high school, college, medical school. Eery cent I have is going to that kid's education."

Ed: "How much do you have?"

Ralph: "$12."

“Honeymooners X-Mas Special”:

#1

Alice’s Mom: “Where is Alice? The person that I said: ’30 years ago, you will marry that bum Ralph Kramden over my dead body.”

Ralph: “That is another promise that you didn’t keep.”

#2

Alice’s Mom: “Are you forgetting that my husband was in show business?”

Ralph: “Selling candy in a burlesque theater isn’t show business.”

#3

Alice’s Mom: “Don’t forget to hand Alice that check.”

Ralph: “What do you want me to do, tie a string around my finger?”

Alice’s Mom: “I got a better idea. Tie one around your neck.”

“Honeymooners Christmas Carol”:

#1

(Ralph tries to open the cot. He accidentally hurts his finger.)

Ralph (yells as he is holding his finger and going through some mannerisms): “AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!....OWWWWWWWW!...AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!”

(Ralph puts his hurt finger in a bowl of water.)

Alice: “Did you hurt yourself Ralph?”

Ralph: “What made you think that?”

Alice: “I got a hint from the…” (imitating Ralph’s mannerisms when he hurt his finger): “Owwwwwww!”

#2

Ralph: “The Cratchett’s are very poor. Their furniture is shabby. There is paint peeling off the ceiling and the walls. They got an old stove.”

Alice: “Wait a minute. Is the name Cratchett or Kramden?”

#3

(Ralph has Ed write down the fact that he swears that he will take Alice on vacation.)

Ralph: “’I Ralph Kramden being of sound mind…”

Alice: “Oh wait a minute. It’s 3am, you are standing here, you have Ed writing down what you are saying and you have the gall to say that you are a sound mind?”

Ed: “You are right Alice. He is nuts.”

All from "'Twas The Night Before Christmas":

#1:

Ralph: "Merry Christmas Norton. Anyway, I know it came from your heart."

Ed: "No, it didn't. It came from the Fat Man's Shop."

#2:

Ralph: "When they made me, they threw away the mold."

Ed: "They had to. You probably broke it."

#3

(Ralph puts Alice's present under the ice box.)

Alice: "Ralph, I put your present under there (under the ice box.)"

Ralph: "Here we are like a couple of kids. What did you get me?"

#4

Ralph (to Alice): "You know something sweetheart? Christmas is...well it's about the best time of the whole year. You walk down the streets even weeks before Christmas comes and there are lights hanging up - red ones and green ones. Sometimes there's snow. Everybody's hustling someplace. But they don't hustle around Christmas time like they usually do. You know, they're a little friendlier. They bump into you and they laugh and say 'Pardon me, Merry Christmas'. Especially when it gets real close to Christmas night. Everybody's walking home - you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringing, kids are singing, and the snow is coming down and boy, what a pleasure it is to think that you got someplace to go to and the place your going to has someone in it that you really love. Someone that you're nuts about. Merry Christmas!"

(Audience claps. Ralph stops the curtain from closing.)

Jackie (as himself): "Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, we usually don't step out of character, but tonight I think that it's proper that Mr. and Mrs. Kramden and Mr. Mrs. Norton wish everybody a Merry Christmas. Would you come in here Nortons?"

(The Nortons come out.)

Jackie: "There they are."

(Everyone bows to the crowd's applause.)

Credit goes to Yahoo! Groups You're A Riot!

Merry Christmas to all!

All from "Run, Santa, Run":

#1

(Ed thinks that Trixie is pregnant.)

Ed: "Trixie, are you with elf?"

Trixie: "No, I'm with nincompoop."

#2

(Ralph thinks that Alice is going to be pregnant.)

Ralph: "When can we expect the happy occasion?"

Alice: "After I go to the buther's and get you two lamb chops."

Ralph (to Ed): "Did you hear that? It's going to be twins."

#3

Ralph: "I'm going to be Santa Claus."

Ed: "Why can't I be Santa Claus?"

(Ed looks at how fat Ralph is.)

Ed: "On second thought, you should be Santa Claus."

"Honeymooners Christmas Party Part 1" & "'Twas The Night Before
Christmas":

Trixie: "Would you like to hear what Ed gave me?"

Alice: "You mean he gave you your present?"

Trixie: "He couldn't wait to give it to me. Do you know what he gave me?"

Alice: "What?"

Trixie: "An orange juice squeezer."

Alice: "An orange juice squeezer?"

Trixie: "It's no ordinary orange juice squeezer. You squeeze the orange on top of Napolean's head and the juice squirts out of his ears."

"Honeymooners Christmas Party Part 2" & "'Twas The Night Before
Christmas":

(In the last few minutes of the episodes, Alice unwraps her present.)

Alice: "Ralph, it's beautiful."

Ralph: "You like it?"

Alice: "Yes."

Ralph: "Good and it's practical too. You squeeze the orange on top of
Napolean's head and the juice squirts out of his ears."

"Honeymooners Christmas Party Part 1":

Joe The Bartender (played by Jackie Gleason): "Is this your wrap?"

Francis Langford (as herself): "Yes."

Joe (putting her coat around her): "Well, here let me wrap you."

All from "Honeymooners Christmas Carol":

#1

Ed: "These two parts that I am playing. What is my motivation? What is my feel?"

Ralph: "What is your motivation? What is your feel?" (making a fist): "This is your motivation. Do you want to feel it?"

Ed: "Ralph you wouldn't hit a 10-year-old who is also an 80-year-old, would you?"

#2

(Ralph has an assgot on which looks like a very big tie.)

Ralph: "A man with my broad talent has to work with amateurs."

Alice: "The only thing broad about you Ralph is your assgot."

#3

Alice: "You got Ed playing an 80-year-old man and a 10-year-old at the same time? What did you say the name of this play was?"

Ralph: "'A Christmas Carol.'"

Alice: "Are you sure it isn't' Two Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest?'"

All from "Honeymooners Christmas Special":

#1

(Ralph comes home to find out that Trixie, Alice & Alice's Mom are there and they are all angry at him for taking their money as well as not depositing Alice's Dad's social security check.)

Ralph: "You are all right. I took all your money. I cashed in my own paycheck and I borrowed off my life-insurance and I even took my Raccoon Pension Plan. I put all that money into one lump sum and I invested in the greatest idea I ever had."

Alice: "What is that?"

Ralph: "Stand back."

(Ralph gets a small paper bag.)

Ralph: "It is in this bag?"

(Ralph opens it. A bunch of pieces of paper out.)

Ralph: "Lottery tickets."

Ed: "And you thought that Ralph was crazy."

Trixie: "I will vouch for that."

Ed: "He is as sane as I am."

#2

Ralph: "What is your mother doing in the bathroom? She has been in
there for and hour and a half."

Alice: "She is doing what every woman does when they go to bed. She is
putting on her beauty cream."

Ralph: "Let her put some vanishing cream on and disappear."

#3

Ralph: "You (Alice's Mom) have convinced Alice to leave me you old bat."

Alice's Mom: "I take that from whence it comes."

Ralph (making a fist): "Take this from whence it comes."

All from "'Twas The Night Before Christmas":

#1:

Trixie (from upstairs, yells): "ALICE! ALICE!"

(Alice opens the window.)

Alice (yells): "WHAT DO YOU WANT TRIXIE?"

Trixie (from upstairs, yells): "DO YOU HAVE ANY ORANGES?"

Alice (yells): "YES. I WILL GIVE THEM TO YOU."

Trixie (from upstairs, yells): "THANK YOU."

Ralph: "What does she think this is, a grocery store?"

#2:

Alice: "I'll tell you where I hid your gift. It's on the top shelf of the closet. I'm going up to see Trixie."

Ralph: "It makes no difference to me where you hid my gift."

(Alice leaves and Ralph goes to get his gift. His hand gets caught in a mousetrap.)

Ralph (yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

#3:

(Ralph shows Ed what he got Alice by going under the ice box. His hand gets caught in the mousetrap that is under there.)

Ralph (yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Ed (thinking that the trap is the gift): "That is beautiful Ralph."

#4

Ralph (to Alice): "You know something sweetheart? Christmas is...well it's about the best time of the whole year. You walk down the streets even weeks before Christmas comes and there are lights hanging up - red ones and green ones. Sometimes there's snow. Everybody's hustling someplace. But they don't hustle around Christmas time like they usually do. You know, they're a little friendlier. They bump into you and they laugh and say 'Pardon me, Merry Christmas'. Especially when it gets real close to Christmas night. Everybody's walking home - you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringing, kids are singing, and the snow is coming down and boy, what a pleasure it is to think that you got someplace to go to and the place your going to has someone in it that you really love. Someone that you're nuts about. Merry Christmas!"

(Audience claps. Jackie stops the curtain from closing.)

Jackie (as himself): "Hold up. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, we usually don't step out of character, but tonight I think that it's proper that Mr. and Mrs. Kramden and Mr. Mrs. Norton wish everybody a Merry Christmas. Would you come in here Nortons?"

(The Nortons come out.)

Jackie: "There they are."

(Everyone bows to the crowd's applause.)

Merry Christmas to all!

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "You are the type that would bend way over and pick up a pocketbook on April Fool's Day. I wouldn't."

Alice: "You couldn't."

"Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "You don't think I'm crazy."

(Ralph sits down and hits his knee with a hammer. He thinks that his leg that has the knee cap that he hit should go up.)

Ralph: "That proves that I am crazy."

Alice: "It sure does."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The Great Fatchoomara is about to hypnotize Alice so Alice can reveal where she hid the money that Ralph is planning to use on the Raccoon convention.)

Ralph (to the G.F.): "You might think that this is a little underhanded. But, all's fair in love and war."

Ed: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "You know, I don't have the greatest education in the world. I only went to the 6th grade. I should have continued on. I should have went to high school and thru college. That wouldn't have done any good. That would have made things worse."

Alice: "What do you mean?"

Ralph: "How do you think I would feel as a college graduate being fired from a bus company?"

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that is strong enough to do that."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "Do you care if I waste away?"

Alice: "Sure I do Ralph. But you wouldn't waste away if you stayed awake for nine years."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph (yells): "I AM NOT MISSING THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

Alice (yells): "LISTEN. YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR AND YOU WILL BE IN THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "You are going to say: `Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts.'"

Ralph: "Don't worry."

(The butler comes in and Ralph thinks it is Uncle Howard.)

Ralph: "Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts."

"Sun & Fun & The Raccoon Capital":

(Ralph is trying to get into his uniform…his pants are too big. In the storyline, [and Jackie in real life, of course] he lost weight.)

Ralph: "If I go out in these, I will be a laughing stock."

Ed: "If you don't, you will get a few laughs too."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is looking for Ralph in the cellar.)

Ed: "Janitor? Whoa, janitor."

Ralph: "For the last time, don't call me janitor. I am a maintenance engineer."

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "As time wore on, I grew older. I matured."

Ralph: "Yeah, now you are a full-grown nut."

"The $99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What is your wife's name?"

Ralph: "Mrs. Kramden."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "Robert Taylor eats that food."

Ralph: "That food is garbage."

Alice: "Yeah, well Robert is my idea of a gorgeous garbage can."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "Look at the stomach on you."

Ralph: "That is not my stomach."

Alice: "Then what is it?"

Ralph: "It happens to be a very low chest."

"The Honeyoon Is Over":

(Alice soon starts crying about how she misses Ralph. Ed hugs Alice.)

Alice: "I'm so miserable."

Ed: "You have always been."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

Ralph: "Don't you know an assgot when you see one?"

Ed: "You certainly are."

"Jellybeans":

Ed: "I was in a contest once. You had to name all the states. I got gyped out of the first prize. I named 66 states, the winner only named 48."

Ralph: "You are a mental case."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ed: "Have I seen you once?"

Jean Kean (as herself): "I don't believe so."

Ed: "Did you ever work in the sewer?"

(Ralph is shown waiting for Alice.)

Ralph: “Alice, come on. Will you? I want to be on time for our night out with the Nortons in Time Square.”

(Alice comes out. Audience applauds.)

Alice: “Oh Ralph, I forgot to tell you. We are not going out to a nightclub in Times Square.”

Ralph: “No? Where is this nightclub?”

Alice: “It is near MSG. Also, two specials guests are coming. They should be here now.”

(Door knocks. Alice answers it.)

(Alice's parents come in.)

Alice's Mom: “Hiya Alice!”

(Ralph has a look of disgust on his face.)

Alice's Dad: “Hiya Ralph! I hope that you are ready to ring in 2011. I am ready to dance into the new year.”

Ralph: “I am ready for you two to waltz out of here...”

Alice's Dad: “...to the restaurant. You got that right Ralph.”

(The Nortons come in. Audience applauds.)

Ed: “Hey Ralph-ie boy! I am ready to ring in 2011. I can only hope that this year will be the year that we finally make it big and make it rich with one of your get-rich-quick schemes that somehow always fail miserably.”

Ralph: “Ohhh! Look, lets get down to the nightclub. I can only hope that not one of us will get drunk like Charlie Sheen. If there is one thing that Jackie Gleason and Charlie have in common is that they love to drink. Only thing is that Jackie doesn't get wasted.”
(They arrive at the nightclub.)

Alice: “Have any of you made New Year's Resolutions?”

Ralph: “I have a resolution to go bowling more and another one is to not argue with Alice.”

Ed: “I have a resolution to watch Spongebob Squarepants more than once a day.”

(Ralph rolls his eyes.)

Alice: “I have a resolution to stick within my budget.”

Trixie: “I have a resolution to exercise more so that I can live longer.”

Alice's Mom: “I have a resolution to read more books.”

Alice's Dad: “I have a resolution to eat less.”

Ralph: “Well, let's drink to the new year.”

(All raise their glass.)

Ralph: “Cheers to the end of 2010.”

All (yells): “CHEERS!”

(Their cling their glasses.)

(Ralph & Ed start drinking and drinking.)

Ralph (sounding somewhat drunk): “Come on guys! Let's ring in the new year. Let's sing a song Ed.”

Ralph & Ed (sing loudly): “IIIIIII, WEEEE HAVE A DREAM/IFFFFF YOU HAVE ONE TOO.”

Alice: “Time to ring in the New Year. Guys watch.”

(Dick Clark is on the TV. Audience applauds.)

Dick Clark: “We want to wish you a Happy New Year. Time for the countdown.”

All (yell): “10...9...8...7...6...”

Ralph (yells): “THE CHAPAGNE IS NOT KORBEL.”

All (yell): “...3...2...1...”

(To be continued.)

"The Prowler":

Ralph: "A prowler? Quick, hide your wristwatch."

Alice: "It's at the jeweler's being repaired."

Ralph: "Every time we need that wristwatch, it's out being repaired."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Ralph: "I got a tootchache. Why do you think I have this thing (towel wrapped around his head) for?"

Ed: "I thought that you were going to be a bunny rabbit on that TV commercial tomorrow."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph & Ed are thinking of a name for the appetizer they think they have discovered after Ralph said that his boss, Mr. Marshall, will help out as far as helping Ralph sell it.)

Ed: "How about Kramden's Delicious Marshall?"

Ralph: "Marshall? What kind of stuff is marshall?"

Ed: "Well, we don't know what this stuff (the name of the food) is. You might as well call it marshall."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ed: "Me and Trixie may be moving tomorrow."

Carlos: "Trixie never mentioned it."

Ed: "Trixie doesn't know it yet."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm not asking you for the money. The general is telling you to give it to me."

(Alice takes a bowl and puts it on his head and "salutes" him.)

Alice: "Har-har-har."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "All I know is when I win the $100, I am going out to buy myself a new pair of shoes, a leather lumbar jacket and before I am finished, you will have a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Ralph: "I'm just steamed at Alice because she thinks that there is nobody stupid enough to offer me a job like an insurance executive."

Ed: "This guy that wants to hire you sounds stupid enough."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

Ed: "I filed a laswuit once. The lawyers claimed that I didn't even have a case."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I was working in the sewer and a manhole cover fell on my head."

Ralph: "Why couldn't you win the case?"

Ed: "I couldn't prove it did any damage."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph and Ed rehearse their mind-reading act in which Ralph will hold up an object while Ed tries to guess it with the help of Ralph's clue while he can't see. Ed's eyes are closed while Ralph holds up a watch.)

Ralph: "Watch out for this, o' swami."

Ed: "What's the clue?"

"A Man's Pride":

(Ralph is trying to tell Bill Davis that he has a VERY IMPORTANT job.)

Ralph: "I am in the transportation business."

Bill Davis: "What do you do?"

Ralph: "Oh, I run things."

Bill: "You run things?"

Ed: "Yeah, everyday he's in the driver's seat."

(Ralph is shown waiting for Alice.)

Ralph: “Alice, come on. Will you? I want to be on time for our night out with the Nortons in Time Square.”

(Alice comes out. Audience applauds.)

Alice: “Oh Ralph, I forgot to tell you. We are not going out to a nightclub in Times Square.”

Ralph: “No? Where is this nightclub?”

Alice: “It is near MSG. Also, two specials guests are coming. They should be here now.”

(Door knocks. Alice answers it.)

(Alice's parents come in.)

Alice's Mom: “Hiya Alice!”

(Ralph has a look of disgust on his face.)

Alice's Dad: “Hiya Ralph! I hope that you are ready to ring in 2011. I am ready to dance into the new year.”

Ralph: “I am ready for you two to waltz out of here...”

Alice's Dad: “...to the restaurant. You got that right Ralph.”

(The Nortons come in. Audience applauds.)

Ed: “Hey Ralph-ie boy! I am ready to ring in 2011. I can only hope that this year will be the year that we finally make it big and make it rich with one of your get-rich-quick schemes that somehow always fail miserably.”

Ralph: “Ohhh! Look, lets get down to the nightclub. I can only hope that not one of us will get drunk like Charlie Sheen. If there is one thing that Jackie Gleason and Charlie have in common is that they love to drink. Only thing is that Jackie doesn't get wasted.”

(They arrive at the nightclub.)

Alice: “Have any of you made New Year's Resolutions?”

Ralph: “I have a resolution to go bowling more and another one is to not argue with Alice.”

Ed: “I have a resolution to watch Spongebob Squarepants more than once a day.”

(Ralph rolls his eyes.)

Alice: “I have a resolution to stick within my budget.”

Trixie: “I have a resolution to exercise more so that I can live longer.”

Alice's Mom: “I have a resolution to read more books.”

Alice's Dad: “I have a resolution to eat less.”

Ralph: “Well, let's drink to the new year.”

(All raise their glass.)

Ralph: “Cheers to the end of 2010.”

All (yells): “CHEERS!”

(Their cling their glasses.)

(Ralph & Ed start drinking and drinking.)

Ralph (sounding somewhat drunk): “Come on guys! Let's ring in the new year. Let's sing a song Ed.”

Ralph & Ed (sing loudly): “IIIIIII, WEEEE HAVE A DREAM/IFFFFF YOU HAVE ONE TOO.”

Alice: “Time to ring in the New Year. Guys watch.”

(Dick Clark is on the TV. Audience applauds.)

Dick Clark: “We want to wish you a Happy New Year. Time for the countdown.”

All (yell): “10...9...8...7...6...”

Ralph (yells): “THE CHAPAGNE IS NOT KORBEL.”

All (yell): “...3...2...1...”

(To be continued.)

"The Prowler":

Ralph: "A prowler? Quick, hide your wristwatch."

Alice: "It's at the jeweler's being repaired."

Ralph: "Every time we need that wristwatch, it's out being repaired."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Ralph: "I got a toothache. Why do you think I have this thing (towel wrapped around his head) for?"

Ed: "I thought that you were going to be a bunny rabbit on that TV commercial tomorrow."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph & Ed are thinking of a name for the appetizer they think they have discovered after Ralph said that his boss, Mr. Marshall, will help out as far as helping Ralph sell it.)

Ed: "How about Kramden's Delicious Marshall?"

Ralph: "Marshall? What kind of stuff is marshall?"

Ed: "Well, we don't know what this stuff (the name of the food) is. You might as well call it marshall."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ed: "Me and Trixie may be moving tomorrow."

Carlos: "Trixie never mentioned it."

Ed: "Trixie doesn't know it yet."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm not asking you for the money. The general is telling you to give it to me."

(Alice takes a bowl and puts it on his head and "salutes" him.)

Alice: "Har-har-har."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "All I know is when I win the $100, I am going out to buy myself a new pair of shoes, a leather lumbar jacket and before I am finished, you will have a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Ralph: "I'm just steamed at Alice because she thinks that there is nobody stupid enough to offer me a job like an insurance executive."

Ed: "This guy that wants to hire you sounds stupid enough."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

Ed: "I filed a lawsuit once. The lawyers claimed that I didn't even have a case."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I was working in the sewer and a manhole cover fell on my head."

Ralph: "Why couldn't you win the case?"

Ed: "I couldn't prove it did any damage."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph and Ed rehearse their mind-reading act in which Ralph will hold up an object while Ed tries to guess it with the help of Ralph's clue while he can't see. Ed's eyes are closed while Ralph holds up a watch.)

Ralph: "Watch out for this, o' swami."

Ed: "What's the clue?"

"A Man's Pride":

(Ralph is trying to tell Bill Davis that he has a VERY IMPORTANT job.)

Ralph: "I am in the transportation business."

Bill Davis: "What do you do?"

Ralph: "Oh, I run things."

Bill: "You run things?"

Ed: "Yeah, everyday he's in the driver's seat."

(The Kramdens, Nortons and Alice's parents are still at the nightclub. The ball just came down for 2011.)

All (yelling): "HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

(Noisemakers are going off and everybody is kissing everybody. "Alud Sang" is playing.)

Ralph: "I can't believe it. 2010 flew by. I am greateful that we were able to come here in spote of that big blizzard that invaded New York."

Ed: "Me too Ralph. Good thing is that in order for me to get to my job, all I had to do was drop in the nearest manhole."

Ralph: "Let's have another drink."

Alice: "Ralph, don't drink too much."

Ralph: "Relax. I am not Barney Gumble on the Simpsons."

(Ralph & Ed go to the bar and drink. Ralph & Ed of course, get blasted."

Ralph: "Hey pal, whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhy don't we go outside and wissshhhh everyonnnnnnnnnnnnnnne a Happpy Neeeeeeeeeeew Year?"

Ed: "That sounds goooooooooooood Raaaaaaaaaaaalph-ieeeeeeeeeeee boy!"

(They both go outside.)

Ralph (yells): "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPY NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWW YEAR!"

Ed: "Happy 2011. Ralph, where did all this white salt come from? It looks like there is 100 pounds of it."

Ralph: "I don't know."

(Policemen come by.)

Policeman: "Gentlemen, have you two been drinking?"

Ralph: "Noooo, we never drink. We are sober."

Policeman: "Sir, I can tell that you are drunk."

Ralph: "Don't insult me. I never drink."

Policeman: "You are drunk. I can tell."

Ralph: "Okay, you asked for it."

(Ralph punches the police officer. He goes to jail.)

(Alice, Alice's parents & the Nortons viist Ralph.)

Alice's Mom: "There he is Alice. Once again, he made a fool of himself."

Alice: "What do you have to say for yourself Ralph?"

Ralph: "I have a BIIIIIG MOUTH!"

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "How sweet it is!"

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "Jean Kean."

(Audience cheers as Jean comes out and kisses Jackie.)

Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."

(Audience cheers as Audrey comes out and kisses Jackie.)

Jackie: "Art Carney."

(Audience cheers as Art comes out and shakes Jackie's hand.)

Jackie: "Folks, we like to wish everyone a Happy New Year! The Miami Beach audiences are the GREATEST in the world. GOOD NIGHT."

(Audience cheers.)

"Expectant Father":

(Ralph thinks that he is going to be a father. He wants his new boy to be a fighter.)

Ed: "Why don't you name the kid Percy?"

Ralph: "Percy?"

Ed: "With a name like that, he will be fighting all the time."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph is at the dog pound. He just gave back Alice's dog that he hated, but slowly and surely he started not hating it.)

Ralph: "Is my dog going to get a good home?"

Man: "I hope so."

Ralph: "What do you mean by that?"

Man: "We have several dogs who are only supposed to be here for four days. We got several who are over the limit."

Ralph: "What happens to the dogs who are over the limit?"

Man: "They have to be destoryed."

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that the dog I just gave back is going to be destroyed?" (going into the room where all the dogs are, yells): "WAIT A MINUTE!"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that's my idea of a burn."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "Berlin threw away a lot of bad lines."

Alice: "Yeah, if you can only find out where he threw them."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "Do you know what it like Alice to own a home? You can walk outside, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out in the hallway right now and do the same thing."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "I want to do the things that young people do. That is what keeps you young."

Ralph: "You want to do things that young people do? Let's play games that young people play. Let's play 'House.' You'll be the mommy and I'll be the poppy. All right mommy - CLEAN UP!"

"Dial J For Janitor":

(The house phone is ringing.)

Ralph: "I'm not answering it. I'm not answering it. Let it ring-ring-ring because I'm not answering it."

Alice: "But they are playing your song."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Nobody is 100% Alice."

Alice: "You are. You have been wrong every time."

"Brother-In-Law":

Frank: "Hey Ralph, are you going to eat your soup?"

Ralph: "I'm not hungry."

Frank (about to grab the soup): "Well, I hate to see anything go to waste."

Ralph (taking the soup): "I just got hungry."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(All of them are in the lemon that is their cottage.)

Ralph (yells): "WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK ALICE? WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK? I AM TELLING YOU THIS PLACE IS GOING TO BE FIXED UP REAL GOOD."

Alice (yells): "YOU MADE A MISTAKE. WHY DON'T YOU ADMIT IT RALPH?"

Ralph (yells): "ALL RIGHT. I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I MADE A MISTAKE. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME."

Alice (yells): "DON'T TEMPT ME RALPH. DON'T TEMPT ME."

"My Fair Landlord":

(Ralph has just complained to Mr. Olsen that he does nothing for the apartment building. Ralph leaves.)

Mr. Olsen: "Your husband has got a lot of nerve saying that to me Mrs. Kramden. I do plenty around here. Last night, I was up until midnight waxing the stairs..."

Ralph (falling down the stairs, yells): "DUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed comes out with a sailboat. Ralph wants to take a bath.)

Ralph: "You don't mean to tell me that you kept me waiting out here for 20 minutes while you were in there playing with a boat in the tub?"

Ed: "I'm sorry Ralph. This is a new boat. We were on the Shakedown Cruise!"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(It's Alice's birthday and Ralph has forgotten it.)

Alice: "Ralph, you do remember what today is?"

Ralph: "Sure, it's my pool night."

Alice's Mom: "See? He's good for nothing."

Ralph: "How do you know? You never saw me shoot pool."

"You're In The Picture":

(The Kramdens and Nortons are shopping in Spain.)

Alice: "This only costs 120 posadas (sp?)."

Ralph: "Only 120 posadas? You think I am made of posadas?"

Alice: "I said posadas. Not potatoes."

First three from "New Year's Eve":

#1

(Ed doesn't want to go out for New Year's Eve and Trixie wants to. They had an aarguement.)

Ed: "Hey Ralph, have you got some mercurochrome?"

Ralph: "Why? What happened?"

(Ed takes off his hat to reveal a band-aid.)

Ed: "Trixie won, we are going out New Year's Eve."

#2:

(Alice wants to go out on New Year's Eve, but Ralph doesn't want to take her.)

Ralph: "Are you calling me cheap?"

Alice: "All right. You are cheap Ralph. Cheap. Cheap. Cheap."

#3:

Ed: "Trixie, that sweater you gave me came in handy for me down in the
sewer."

Trixie: "Was it cold down there today?"

Ed: "What?"

Trixie: "Was it cold down there today?"

Ed: "No, there was a leak in one of the pipes. I used the sweater to plug up the leak."

"Hello Mom":

Ralph: You know what her short visits are? Like the time she came for Christmas and New Year's. the only trouble is that she came for New year's and stayed until Christmas. I also don't like when she says: 'Poor Alice doesn't have a washing machine. 'Poor Alice doesn't have an electric stove.' You go and tell her that she can't come."

Alice: "I can't. Poor Alice doesn't have a phone either."

"The Man From Space":

(Ralph is in his "Man From Space" costume.)

Ralph: "Can you see the faces on them, down there when I walk in with this? Well, what do you think?"

(Alice stands.)

Alice: "You want to know what I think? I think that you're nuts."

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "I know how to win the costume contest."

Ed: "So do I."

Ralph: "How?"

Ed: "By having the best costume."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Alice's Mom: "All I know is that when I got married, I had a more modern stove than that."

Ralph: "When you got married, fire wasn't even invented."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "Because of Ed, I had to go to work without my bath."

Trixie: "You didn't have to do that Ralph. You could take you bath at the circus. They wouldn't mind bathing one more elephant."

"We Spy":

(At the party, Ed and subsequently Ralph just revealed the "new" Russian Holiday of Thanksgiving. The Russian party thrower wants everyone to roast the goat in honor of Thanksgiving because that is what Ralph said is one of the traditions of Thanksgiving.)

Russian: "Holiday weekend."

Ralph (angerly to Ed) : "Holiday weekend."

Ed: "It's a good thing it is'nt New Year's Eve. Can you imagine all the finks on the road from Minsk to Finsk."

Happy New Year!

"New Year's Eve Party":

(Ralph & Ed are in the Statler Hotel.)

Ralph: "What would this place be without all of this great stuff?"

Ed: "Your apartment."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "Where's my mandolin?"

Alice: "Did you forget what happened on New Year's Eve?"

Ralph: "Well, where's the pieces? Maybe I can fix it."

"New Year's Eve Party":

Ralph: "I have pain."

Mr. Marshall: "Is it a steady or shooting pain?"

Ralph: "What's the difference?"

Mr. Marshall: "Shooting pain is more painful."

Ralph: "It's a shooting pain."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ed just said that he saw Mike Douglas down in the sewer to present an award.)

Alice: "Does Mike Douglas look as good as he does on TV?"

Ed: "I couldn't tell. He had a mask on."

"Manager of The Baseball Team" (Color version):

Trixie: "Ralph has a good head on his shoulders."

Ed: "What is this on my shoulders, a volleyball?"

"The Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Ralph: "How would you like to be the wife of a rich, brilliant highly respected business man?"

Ed: "I think Alice wants to stay with you Ralph."

All from "Man From Space":

#1:

Ralph: "You are not up on the latest developments."

Alice: "I am not up on the latest developments? Who is it that let out your pants the other day?"

#2:

Alice: "Why don't you make your own costume?"

Ralph: "Because I want to win the costume contest. That's why."

#3:

(Alice is in her 12-year old costume.)

Alice: "What do you think Ralph?"

Ralph: "Where's the rest of the costume?"

Happy New Year!

"TV or Not TV":

(Ralph is trying to tell Alice that he has more money in is wallet than Ed.)

Ralph: "I have it here."

(Ralph points to his hip pocket.)

Alice: "You have it here..." (Points to her left hip.) "...you have it here..." (Points to her right hip.) "...and you have it here." (Points to her stomach.)

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "What is the first thing that a person has to do if he wants to sell something?"

Ed: "Well, first they look your name (Ralph's) in the phonebook and then they try to sell it to you."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "What kind of life do you think that I lead in this city driving a bus all day? What do I hear? Taxi horns, police whistles, fire engines, breaks schreeching and people hollering. When I finish my work and come home what do I hear? Babies crying, garbage cans-a-rattlin', peddles-a-yellin'. I ask you. What do I have to do to get a little peace and quiet?"

Alice: "Why don't you shut up?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ralph: "The person who lent me this place was an ex-GI."

Alice: "Who was he, Benedict Arnold?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ed: "I know a person who died from stubbing his toe?"

Man: "Stubbing his toe? How is that possible?"

Ed: "He stubbed it on the Grand Canyon's edge."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

Bing: "Looks like you run a very democratic household Ralph."

Trixie: "Yeah, you know what happened to them in the last election."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "The theater has been in me all my life."

Alice: "Yeah, I knew that that wasn't your stomach. It was the balcony."

"The Golfer":

(Ralph picks up the cotton ball.)

Ralph (yells): "OW! IT HAS PINS IN IT."

Ed: "What did you expect. chicken noddles?"

"Please Leave The Premises":

(Ralph & Alice are fighting the rent increase by doing without heat, gas, water & electricity. Alice wants to leave.)

Ralph: "I'm the General. What I say goes."

Alice: "Than you better say Alice because I am going."

"Man From Space":

Ralph: "You are not up on the latest developments."

Alice: "I'm not? Who is it that lets your pants out every week?"

"Hero Part 1":

(Ralph opens a can of turpinetine. Tommy is amazed.)

Tommy: "That proves that I am right."

Ralph: "Right about what?"

Tommy: "Well, I say that it is all muscle. But, all my friends say that you are a big load of fat."

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in their uniforms. Ed's bellhop uniform is too tight.)

Ralph: "Are there any questions?"

Ed: "Yes, how do I get out of this chicken outfit?"

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that is very encouraging that you sold to your last customer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you finally hit on the right approach. Now, do you remember what you said?"

Ed: "Sure. I said: `Mama, you just go to buy this iron.'"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph is dressed up as a hola girl. Trixie is dressed up as a sailor. They are rehearsing for a talent contest. Ralph comes in.)

Ralph: "What are you doing and who is he?"

Alice: "That's Trixie."

Ralph (to Trixie): "All right. What are you doing and who is she (Alice)?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "My mother had an offer to appear in silent pictures but she turned that down."

Ralph: "For your information, the reason why she did that was because she couldn't keep silent."

"Principle of The Thing":

(The Kramdens have no water. Ed tries to listen to the pipes with a stethoscope to see what the trouble is.)

Ed: "There is your trouble right there. No water."

Ralph: "Did you hear that? He said no water. There's an intelligent man who has spent practically his entire life in the swer and believe you me when he says that there is no water, there is no water." (yells): "I KNOW THERE IS NO WATER."

Ed: "Now you are getting it from the expert's mouth."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "I think the wallpaper is pretty. Alice thinks it is rotten. What do you think?"

(Ed looks at it.)

Ed: "I think that you are both right. It's pretty rotten."

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph thinks that Ed & Alice are lovers. Ed is in Ralph's home.)

Alice: "Excuse me sweetheart."

Ralph: "Who are you calling 'sweetheart.'"

Alice: "Norton. Who else?"

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "Grogan, if you had two tickets to a World Series game and your sister-in-law was going to get married at the same time as the game, where would you go?"

Grogan: "I would go to the wedding."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph: "You mean that fter taking one look at that Carlos, you are going to give him Trixie's potato salad?"

Ed: "Of course. This will fix his wagon. Before I started eating Trixie's cooking, I was a regular Clark Gable."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "Just for that remark Alice, when we get to Fred's Landing, I won't introduce you to Fred."

Alice: "From this blow, I may never recover."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This (the Handy Housewife Helper) is the key to my future. The key to my future."

Alice: "Don't tell me that it has a key for opening the door at Bellevue?"

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

(Ralph gets hurt by Norton's lit cigarette that Norton accidently dropped.)

Alice: "What happened?"

Ralph (yells): "NORTON WANTED TO HAVE A CIGARETTE."

Alice: "So?"

Ralph (yells): "HE USED ME FOR AN ASHTRAY."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(Ralph just went into the bedroom after challenging Alice's Mom to a fight.)

Alice's Mom (yells): "CHICKEN! CHICKEN! CHICKEN!"

Ralph (opening the door, yells): "CROW! CROW! CROW!"

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Spell antidistanttablihmentterrism (sp?)."

Ralph: "I'll spell it...I'll spell it...I'll spell it."

Alice: "Well, go ahead."

Ralph: "I will spell it when you give me $16,000."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "You know what Jackie Gleason gets. Maybe $50 to $100 a night."

Ed: "$50 to $100 a night?"

Ralph: "Yeah. Personally, I don't think he deserves it but that is what he gets."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph (to Alice): "By the way cupcake..."

Ed: "Yes Ralph."

Ralph: "She is cupcake. You're fruitcake."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows how much you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

"The Prowler":

Ed: "I came by to tell you to put some stuff up against the door."

Ralph: "Thank you but I have already done that."

Ed: "How did I get in?"

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Alice: "I'll go get a flashlight for you."

Ralph: "I don't need one."

(Ralph leaves and falls down the stairs. Alice comes by the door. He comes back.)

Ralph: "Well, don't just stand there. Get me a flashlight."

"Letter To The Boss":

(Ralph thinks that he has been fired. He lists all the jobs that are listed in the paper.)

Alice: "What is wrong with those jobs?"

Ralph: "Nothing except they are listed under: 'Help Wanted: Women!'"

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "I want to do the things that young people do. That is what makes you young."

Ralph: "You want to do that? Let's play games that young people play. Let's play house. I will be the daddy and you will be the mommy. All right Mommy CLEAN UP!"

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I cut out bowling? It's my only relaxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need anything to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up."

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "As time wore on, I grew older. I matured."

Ralph: "Yeah, now you are a full-grown nut."

"Hero Part 1":

Alice: "Let me ask you something Ralph. WHen was the last time you ever lifted 400 pounds?"

Ed: "This morning when he got out of bed."

"Expectant Father":

Ed: "My little kid grow up from a little guy. Education: Grammer school, high school, then on to college. When he gets out of college and is ready to face the world, I will get him a job with me in the sewer."

Ralph: "When your son graduates from college, you are going to get him a job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Certainly. The sewer accepts college grads."

"Double Anniversary":

Ralph: "Something smells good."

Ed: "It can't be me. I just got through working in the sewer."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Reluctantly, Ralph let the stage manager put lipstick on him so that it will make him look better on the Mike Douglas Show. While the Kramdens & Nortons are on the show, Ralph kisses Alice.)

Alice: "Ralph, are you wearing lipstick?"

Ralph: "Shut up!"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "Can you take a hint?"

Ed: "Yes."

Ralph: "All right. I hate you." (yells): "HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! NOW, GET OUT."

Ed: "All right. What's the hint?"

"Hello Mom":

Ralph: "What are you doing with all of that material? Making a bedspread?"

Alice: "No, I'm taking your pants out again."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

Ralph: "I am trying to put some weight on my broken leg."

Ed: "You are just the boy that could do it."

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

Mon. Jan. 10, 2011 1a (CC) #84 (aka #54) - *“The Next Champ”: Ralph becomes the manager of a boxer he believes will be the world's next heavyweight champion.

1:30a #85 (aka #23/#46) – “‘Anniversary Gift’/‘Finger Man’”: (For “Anniversary Gift”): Ralph is embarrassed when the anniversary gift he bought Alice is the same one Trixie bought for her. (For “Finger Man”): Ralph heroically catches a murderer on his bus, but fears for his life when the murderer escapes from jail and vows to "get the man who put the finger on him."

Mon. Jan. 17, 2011 1a #86 (aka #36/#19) – “‘The Prowler’/‘Glow Worm Cleaning Powder’”: (For “The Prowler”): In the middle of the night the police warn the Kramdens that there is a prowler loose in the building. (For “Glow Worm Cleaning Powder”): Alice is chosen to be next month's "Glow Worm Girl" but Ralph won't let her do it.

1:30a #89 (aka #29/#132) – “‘Hot Tip’/‘Checkup’”: (For “Hot Tip”): Ralph places some bets at the racetrack for some neighbors, and gets nervous when Norton warns him that the police think he's a bookie. (For “Checkup”): Ralph schemes to fail a medical exam when h e thinks the doctor is from his insurance company.

WCIUDT3 [MeTV in Chicago] (Not MeTV's national feed.)

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

All times are Central.

All episodes, I believe are in CC.

Note: I incorrectly stated that this station would show "The $99,000 Answer on 1/7. They are not. I apologize.

Mon. Jan. 10, 2011 9:30p #019 (aka #110) - "Ralph Kramden Inc.": Ralph needs a loan from Norton, so he sells him a share of his future earnings as a corporation---Ralph Kramden, Inc. It's another con job by Ralph, of course, until he learns that an old woman with a $40 million estate died and left him in her will. That's enough for Norton, as an officer in the corporation, to remind Ralph about one "small detail"---that they need to bring a suitcase to the reading of the will to carry home the $40 million.
*
Tue. Jan. 11, 2011 9:30p #020 (aka #111) - "Young At Heart": Ralph wants to prove to Alice that he's still young at heart by learning dances like the Big Apple and the Suzie Q., which prompts Norton to ask: "How can anyone so round be so square?" But he's still determined, so the Kramdens and the Nortons decide to make a night of it by going roller-skating. Ralph on wheels at the rink makes for one of the series' classic scenes. Another has Norton teaching Ralph how to do the Hucklebuck.
*
Wed. Jan. 12, 2011 9:30p #021 (aka #112) - "A Dog's Life": Ralph gets another one of his half-baked ideas after he samples a tasty dish he found in his ice box in "A Dog's Life," which was originally telecast Feb. 18, 1956. Convinced that the unusual cracker-spread will satisfy the public's appetite for a snack that's new and different, Ralph asks his boss, Mr. Marshall, to taste the dish in the hope that he'll bankroll production. Ralph's even cooked up a name for the culinary delight: "KramMar's Delicious Mystery Appetizer." Marshall tries it and likes it, and asks Ralph if the recipe is exclusively his wife's or if Alice's mother helped out. "Anything she'd cook I wouldn't give to a dog," Ralph replies. But Marshall wants some other opinions, so he calls in his assistants for another taste test. After two of the assistants reveal the food to be dog food, Ralph is convinced that Alice got a dog and tries to put it back in the pound...only to fall in love with it and take possession of the other dogs who were over their respective limits and were going to be killed.(
*
Thu. Jan. 13, 2011 9:30p #022 (aka #113) - "Here Comes The Bride": On the eve of his lodge brother Stanle y's marriage to Alice's sister, Ralph---the self-proclaimed "king of [his] castle"---gives his future brother-in-law marital advice. Furious that Stanley has agreed to live with Alice's parents, Ralph instructs him to put his foot down. "I don't want to argue," he tells Ralph, prompting Norton to reply: "If you don't want to argue, what are you getting married for?"
*
Fri. Jan. 14, 2011 9:30p #023 (aka #114) - "Mama Loves Mambo": A dance teacher moves into the building and has all the husbands kicking up a fuss. Ralph and Norton had the idea that Carlos Sanchez was an old man who might like to relax with a game of checkers. He's not---bachelor Carlos is suave and handsome, and worse, is giving their wives mambo lessons in the Kramdens' apartment. Sanchez: Charles Korvin.
*
Mon. Jan. 17, 2011 9:30p #024 (aka #115) - "Please Leave The Premises": Ralph refuses to pay a rent increase of $5 a month and, to avoid eviction, barricades himself, Alice and Norton in the apartment. Its war, says Ralph, and he's the general of their army. But after a few days without heat, and the food supply reduced to only celery, General Kramden hatches a plan to get fresh grub from the neighborhood delicatessen. Mr. Johnson: Luis Van Rooten.
*
Tue. Jan. 18, 2011 9:30p #025 (aka #116) - "House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"): Alice accepts a department store's offer to redecorate their apartment for free. She wants to surprise Ralph, so she arranges to secretly meet with the decorator---who then makes the mistake of leaving one of his gloves in the flat. When Ralph finds the glove, he suspects Alice of having an affair. Andre: Alexander Clark.
*
Wed. Jan. 19, 2011 9:30p #026 (aka #117) - "Young Man With A Horn": The discovery of his old cornet and an unexpected visit by a self-made millionaire prompt Ralph to wonder why he hasn't achieved more success and hit the "high note" in his life. As a result, he decides to make a list of his good points and do something to correct his bad ones.
*
Thu. Jan. 20, 2011 9:30p #027 (aka #118) - “Ralph’s Big Mouth” (aka "Head of The House"): In the hilarious "Head of the House" (originally telecast March 31, 1956), Ralph marks his "emancipation" as king of his castle by sitting down with Norton to finish a bottle of wine that is "a little strong but good." Their first toast, Ralph says, is "to my wife, who has finally found her place." Actually, what Alice found was a bottle of grape juice, which she substituted for the wine. When the men get plastered and pass out, Trixie and Alice pour their own drinks and make their own toasts. "I give you our husbands," says Trixie. "You can have 'em," says Alice. The wine-and-grape-juice scene, Art Carney recalled, was one of his favorites. "We really were laughing at each other...because we were supposed to be laughing...crocked and everything. Funny scene."

Fri. Jan. 21, 2011 9:30p #028 (aka #119) - "The Worry Wart": Ralph's nerves are taxed when he gets a letter requesting his presence at the IRS office. Alice tries to calm him by reminding him that many people have their returns reviewed. "You're darn right," Norton agrees. "The jails are full of them." Norton, in fact, is helping Ralph review the business deductions he made on his returns and then lends his buddy moral support by accompanying him to the IRS office.

(WNET) & (WNET HD) (Newark, NJ PBS affiliate):

One hour.

Fri. Jan. 14 9:30p & Sun. Jan. 16, 2011 9:30p (CC) "Jackie Gleason: Genius At Work": Various clips are shown of Jackie Gleason showing his comedic brilliance.

(Bio) & (Bio HD):

90 minutes.

Thu. Jan. 13, 2011 (CC) 2p "Biography: Jackie Gleason": A biography of the Great One himself.

Note: Once again, TVGuide.com is probably misleading people into thinking that ALN Is going to show the Color Honeymooners on Fri. Jan. 7 & 1/11-1/15 at 2. Yet, zap2it.com & ALN's website say otherwise.

*: This episode has been eidted HEAVILY.

Credit goes to zap2it.com, the honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & John K's Book To The Moon.

"TV or Not TV":

(Ralph is trying to tell Alice that he has more money in is wallet than Ed.)

Ralph: "I have it here."

(Ralph points to his hip pocket.)

Alice: "You have it here..." (Points to her left hip.) "...you have it here..." (Points to her right hip.) "...and you have it here." (Points to her stomach.)

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "What is the first thing that a person has to do if he wants to sell something?"

Ed: "Well, first they look your name (Ralph's) in the phonebook and then they try to sell it to you."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "I'm going to get his job back for him Alice. Tomorrow, I am going to go down that sewer tomorrow and speak to Ed's boss. there isn't anything in this world that is going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow."

Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you can fit through."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "What kind of life do you think that I lead in this city driving a bus all day? What do I hear? Taxi horns, police whistles, fire engines, breaks schreeching and people hollering. When I finish my work and come home what do I hear? Babies crying, garbage cans-a-rattlin', peddles-a-yellin'. I ask you. What do I have to do to get a little peace and quiet?"

Alice: "Why don't you shut up?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ralph: "The person who lent me this place was an ex-GI."

Alice: "Who was he, Benedict Arnold?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"Sees All, Knows All":

Ralph: "Norton, I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Lawsuit" (Color):

(Ralph is trying to stand on his bad leg while Ed is cracking walnuts.)

Ralph (yells): "I BROKE IT ALICE! I BROKE IT!"

Alice: "That was Ed cracking walnuts."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "YOU ARE A MENTAL CASE."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "The theater has been in me all my life."

Alice: "Yeah, I knew that that wasn't your stomach. It was the balcony."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Your garbage can was half full. When it's full-full, then I will take it down. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here - save a trip there and it all mounts up."

Ed: "That is what I am afraid of. It's mounting up all over the building."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(The house phone is ringing.)

Ralph: "I'm not answering it. I'm not answering it. Let ir ring, ring, ring because I'm not answering it."

Alice: "But they are playing your song."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "Norton, I don't want to lose her."

(Ralph leaves. Ed sits down and starts to eat Ralph's dinner.)

Ed: "Gee, I hope he doesn't lose her too. She is such a good cook."

"The Next Champ":

(Ed accidently causes Ralph to miss his shot in pool. Ralph is angry. He hits Ed's foot with his pool cue.)

Ed: "Ow!"

(Ed hits Ralph's foot with his pool cue.)

Ralph (yells): "OW!"

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph (yells): "I'M NOT MISSING THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

Alice (yells): "YOU TRY TO WALK OUT OF THAT DOOR AND YOU WILL BE IN
THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "At least my relatives don't drop in here unexpected."

Alice: "No, they come as steady as clockwork three times a week."

"We Spy":

Ralph: "We are in a foregin country and in a foreign country, you got to live like a native.

Alice: "Ralph, in Brooklyn I live like a native."

"Six Months To Live":

Telegram Man: "I was instructed to give this letter to Mrs. Kramden."

Ralph (taking the letter): "I'm Mister Kramden."

(The telegram man holds out his hand, expecting a tip.)

Ralph: "Your hand is very dirty."

"To Whom It May Concern":

(Ralph says what he wants Ed to say in a letter to his boss.)

Ralph: "'You dirty bum!'"

Ed: "Don't you think that that is a little rough for a starter?"

Ralph: "Maybe your right. "Dear Mr. Marshall:...'"

Ed: "That's better."

Ralph: "'...You dirty bum!'"

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "I know how to throw my weight around."

Alice: "If you did, you wouldn't leave it where it is."

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "This isn't a crazy costume. This is what all of us cats wear. I got it! I got it! I'm hip! Ready to go! I'm gone! Gone!"

Alice: "You are gone all right."

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "You are supposed to waddle like a duck."

Ralph: "How can I do that?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "What's the sense of saving money if you can't take it with you?"

Alice: "You are right I can't. I never go any place."

"You're In The Picture":

Alice: "You look like you have lipstick on your face Ralph."

Ralph: "Oh, I cut myself shaving this morning."

Alice: "You cut yourself shaving and only now you are starting to bleed?"

Ed: "Well with the way Ralph is built, it takes a long time for his blood to reach the surface."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

(Pete from Pettskill Studios confronts Ralph about how much money he is spending that Peetskill Studios will have to pay.)

Pete: "Ralph Kramden, who do you think you are, Jackie Gleason?"

Ralph: "How dare you Jackie Gleason! I'm not that nuts."

"The Golfer":

Ralph: "I got enough confidence in me for the both of us."

Alice: "You got enough of EVERYTHING in you for the both of us."

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous that I couldn't answer the first question that they gave me."

Ralph: "What was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"Quiz Show":

Ralph: "I had six years of schooling."

Alice: "I had eight years."

Ralph: "Well, some people learn faster than others."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "Is that you Mr. Johnson?"

Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "YES IT IS MR. KRAMDEN AND I HAVE THE SHERRIFF WITH ME. OPEN UP!"

Ralph: "Are you crazy? If I open the door, you will slap me with a rent increase. Ha ha. I am not opening up."

Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "STAY IN THERE. BUT THE SHERRIFF IS POSTING ONE OF HIS MEN IN THIS HALLWAY AND THE MINUTE YOU OPEN THAT DOOR, HE WILL SLAP YOU WITH AN EVICTION NOTICE AND DON'T TRY TO GO OUT THE FIRE ESCAPE. HE WILL HAVE A MAN OUT THERE TOO."

(Ralph looks scared.)

Ralph (to Alice): "Just what I told you. He is scared to death."

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Ralph Kramden?"

Ed: "I am as close as anybody can get to Ralph Kramden."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph is going to try to sell KramMar's to Mr. Marshall.)

Ralph: "What I have in this lunchbox is something that is worth a million dollars."

Mr. Marshall: "Then you must have had a good day on the bus."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "When I win the contest, I am going to get myself a leather lumbar jacket, a pair of bowling shoes and before I am finished, you will get a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "At least my relatives don't come by unexpected."

Alice: "No, they come as steady as clockwork. Three times a week."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "This picture must be 15 years old."

Ralph: "Yeah. I seem to remember that dress."

Alice: "You should. I wore it yesterday."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

(They are inside Uncle Howard's mansion.)

)Howard picking up a vase):

Howard: "They think that one day, all of this will be there's."

Ed: "Howard, quick fooling around with Ralph's vase."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ed: "Why don't you take Stanley and Sally to your apartment to see how you and Alice get along?"

Ralph: "I want to postpone the wedding. Not cancel it forever."

"Poor People of Paris":

Ralph: "If I were you, I wouldn't go out in May."

Ed: "Why?"

Ralph: "Because that is when they gather nuts."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I would like my coffee with one lump."

(Ed rings the bell.)

Thelma: "You keep ringing that bell and you will get one lump."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is that no-good janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be tough with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and you have to tell him off good."

Alice: "I was waiting for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I am home. So, go down there and tell him off."

"You're In The Picture":

(Ralph is dressed as a matador while Ed has bulls horns. Ed is warming up.)

Ralph (yells): "COME ON!"

Ed (yells): "I'M WARMING UP IN THE BULLPEN!"

(Ed charges like a bull and misses Ralph. Ed then decides to stick the horns in Ralph's backside.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHH!"

"Sees All, Knows All":

(The fortune teller is looking in her crystal ball.)

Fortune Teller: "It is cloudy. It is cloudy."

Ed: "Ralph, who do you know named Cloudy?"

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Ed (bringing in the cot): "Hi folks! I hope I didn't disturb your sleep."

Ralph: "No, you didn't. I get up every morningat 3am. That way, I can get a seat on the subway going to work."

"Pal O' Mine":

(Ed just showed the ring that he is going to give to his boss, Jim McKeever.)

Alice: "Why didn't you get the store where you got this from to gift-wrap it for you?"

Ed: "Oh, they got some silly rule down there. 'No gift-wrapping for any purchase less than $3."

"Box Top Kid Part One":

Trixie: "Ed believes that before you go to Europe, you should see a bit of America first. So we made a list. So far this year, we have scratched off Bayoone, Yonkers & Scranton."

Alice: "What are you going to scratch off this year?"

Trixie: "I would like to scratch off Norton."

"The Golfer":

Ralph: "I deserve that promotion, Norton - I worked hard to get it! Just because Mr. Harper doesn't know I'm alive I'm not going to get the promotion, huh? Well, it's the same ol' story: its not what you know, its who you know! If you don't have any connections you're dead. You can be the smartest guy in the world, know everything about everything, know the encyclopedia backwards and forwards. But, If you don't have any connections you get nowhere."

Ed: "Now wait a minute, I don't think that applies to every case. I didn't have any connections when I got my job in the sewer."

"Hot Tip":

Ralph: "Where did you get that jacket?"

Ed: "That is what they are wearing down at the track."

Ralph: "Yeah, the horses. But not the people."

"Hawaii! Oh! Oh!":

(After Ralph threatens that he and Ed are going to jump out the hotel window if the wives don't give them the money, Ed accidentally falls out.)

Ed: "I forgot. We are on the ground floor."

Ralph: "You don't know how to fall correctly."

Ed: "I would if we were on the 15th floor."

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "I want to do the things that young people do. That is what keeps you young."

Ralph: "You want to do things that young people do? Let's play games that young people play. Let's play 'House.' You'll be the mommy and I'll be the poppy. All right mommy - CLEAN UP!"

"Brother-In-Law":

Frank: "Hey Ralph, are you going to eat your soup?"

Ralph: "I'm not hungry."

Frank (about to grab the soup): "Well, I hate to see anything go to waste."

Ralph (taking the soup): "I just got hungry."

"My Fair Landlord":

(Ralph has just complained to Mr. Olsen that he does nothing for the apartment building. Ralph leaves.)

Mr. Olsen: "Your husband has got a lot of nerve saying that to me Mrs. Kramden. I do plenty around here. Last night, I was up until midnight waxing the stairs..."

Ralph (falling down the stairs, yells): "DUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "When the girls get here, I want them to get a good impression. So keep your mouth shut."

Ed: "If you want them to have a good impression, keep the door shut."

"In Twenty-Five Words or Less":

Ed: "Hey, why don't you name the dog 'Ralph'?"

Ralph: "'Ralph?'"

Ed: "Yeah, that way not only people can call him, dogs can call him. Ralph. Ralph."

(Ed makes barking sounds.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Cupid Part 1":

Ed: "Is Ralph home?"

Alice: "No."

Ed: "He must be out with some blonde."

"The Safety Award":

Ralph: "A group of men are picked to do a job, trained in the same fashion as each other, and there's always one man in the group that stands out far in front of the others."

Ed: "If you stood out any more in front you wouldn't be able to get behind the wheel of a bus!"

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: (going to play the coronet) "I dont know if I rememeber this song I got the music right here."

Alice : "Stand back Ed this is liable to be messy."

Ralph: "You're liable to be messy in a about 5 seconds from now!!"

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Doctors can be wrong too you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy, did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."

"The Safety Award":

(Alice & Trixie have the same dress on.)

Ralph: "Don't those dresses look alike?"

Ed: "Alike? They are like the Bobbsie Twins."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "I am the General. What I say goes."

Alice: "Then you better say Alice because I am going."

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Ralph comes home to a candlelit dinner.)

Alice: "Hello Ralph!"

Ralph: "So you forgot to pay the electric bill, huh?"

"Hero Part 1":

Mrs Halloway: "'He also says that if anybody says anything bad about you, he is willing to fight them."

Ed: "That kid is going to have a lot of fighting to do."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ed: "Who are they going to give your suit too?"

Ralph: "Some poor unfortunate that is broken down."

Ed: "That is right. Someone who can't afford to dress as well as we do."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "Happy is the worst horse. I saw them take the bandages off the horse."

Ed: "Yeah, Happy had a bad headache."

"Two For The Money":

Man: "If he had bandages on his legs, why didn't he stretch them?"

Ed: "Happy didn't have to do that. They put Olive Oil on his legs before they put the bandages on."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Ralph: "Since we are going to be living here, I may need to get my wife some new clothes."

Bruno: "Don't worry about it. All she will need is a black dress."

(Ralph & Ed are walking around the Palisades Center.)

Ed: "Ralph, since mall's decorate for the Holiday season. They should do the same for Martin Luther King Day. Instead of a sign that says: 'Meet Santa Claus', there can be a sign that says: 'Meet Dr. King.' Kids can have their picture taken with him."

Ralph: "Norton, you ought to have a cold towel put on your head. Martin Luther King Day is coming up and I forgot that it is the 25th anniversary of the holiday. It is one of the youngest holidays."

Ed: "I'm sure that Dr. King appreciates it."

(A man that looks like Dr. King approaches them.)

Man: "I'm sure he would gentlemen. I get called Dr. King on many occassions."

Ed: "Ralph over here calls himself king of his castle to his wife and after that, they have a big arguement."

Man: "You know, if it wasn't for Dr. King, the world may have been a worse place. There would still be libraries that would say: 'Blacks only.'"

Ralph: "That would be bad. There would probably still be bowling alleys that would say: 'Blacks only.' Me and Norton would have to look for another bowling alley."

Ed: "Or I would have to look for another library so I can read the latest kids books."

Ralph: "You see my friend is a mental case."

Man: "I see. I am grateful for Dr. King. If it weren't for him, I would probably never be allowed in this mall provided if it was still around at that time. I am sure that Dr. King is also proud of our U.S. President. Not to mention the fact that he was inaugurated two years ago the day after Martin Luther King Day."

Ralph: "If he wasn't assinated by whoever he was, maybe Dr. King would have been president. He would have been a great president."

(They all sing a song about Dr. King.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience cheers.)

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph and Ed have just finished playing poker with ther friends.)

Ralph: "Did you ever see a sore loser like that?"

Ed: "Yes, I did. Two weeks ago when you lost."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you know that if I become Raccoon of The Year that we get the honor of free burial at the Raccoon National Cemetary? Do you know where that is? Bismark, North Dakota."

Alice: "Well, that's wonderful Ralph. Just wonderful. I always dreamed about going out west."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "Can you take a hint?"

Ed: "Yes."

Ralph: "All right." (yells): "I HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! NOW GET OUT."

Ed: "Okay, what's the hint?"

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "You can't put your arms around a memory."

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is all the janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be hard with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and tell him off good."

Alice: "I was waiting for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I'm home. So go down and tell him off."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

Bing: "Looks like you run a very democratic household Ralph."

Trixie: "Yeah, you know what happened to them in the last election."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "Nobody is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one big enough?"

"Ralph Kramden Inc."

Ed: "Is that the crunchy kind of peanut butter?"

Ralph: "Yes, it is the crunchy kind and I can prove it to you. When this jar hits your head, you will hear a crunch."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "Can I use your phone?"

Ed: "No, Trixie is dressing."

Ralph: "But the phone is in the kitchen."

Ed: "That is where she is dressing. There is no window shade in the bedroom."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "What theme should we use for the dance?"

Ed: "How about the Vikings discovering America?"

Ralph: "You want to use that theme in the Sons of Italy hall?"

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ed puts a lit match near the thermometer.)

Ed: 'Hey Ralph, what is a normal temperature, around 98 isn't it?"

Ralph: "98.6."

Ed: "What would you say a bad temperature is?"

Ralph: "102. 103. What is it Norton? What is my temperature?"

(A pause.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT IS MY TEMPERATURE NORTON?"

Ed (starting to cry, yells): "111."

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous, that I couldn't answer the first question."

Ralph: "What question was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "Your mom's apartment is too small for us."

Alice: "You didn't say that when we lived there before. Mother's apartment is getting smaller."

Ed: "Yeah, but Ralph is getting bigger."

"The New Manager":

Ralph: "I know. We will take the Nortons on our honeymoon."

Trixie: "Ralph, you don't want us on your honeymoon."

Ed: "Will you keep quiet woman?"

"Head of The House":

Ed: "In my household, I am the boss of the household."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmm."

Ed: "I think that any man that is afraid of his wife, isn't a man."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmmm."

Ed: "And I can't stree this too strongly that a husband is the boss."

Interviewer: "Yes?"

Ed: "Now don't quote me because if my wife reads that, she will kill me."

"Head of The House":

Ralph: "Men are responsible for the shape the world is in."

Alice: "Well, I am glad to hear one of you finally admit it."

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in the broken-down hotel.)

Ralph: "We can knock down those cobwebs."

Alice: "I wouldn't do that Ralph. They are holding up the wall."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Alice: "I read in a magazine once that 50% of pain is mental. 50% of that toothache is here (brain). The other 50% is here (mouth).

Ralph: "For your information, 100% of it is here (mouth). There is nothing up there (brain)."

"Love Letter":

Ralph: "A belt? Pretty small gift."

Alice: "Not with what you have to wrap it around."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "I was born under the sign of Pieces the fish."

Ralph: "You were born under the sign of Pistachio the Nut."

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "I want to do the things that young people do. That is what makes you young."

Ralph: "You want to do that? Let's play games that young people play. Let's play house. I will be the daddy and you will be the mommy. All right Mommy CLEAN UP!""Sleepy Time Gal":

Ed: "Trixie, you want to get upstairs to get some beefsteak?"

Trixie: "Why?"

Ed: "To put it on a black eye."

Trixie: "What black eye?"

Ed: "The one you are going to get if you don't go upstairs and put a
beefsteak on it."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a
financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ed: "Why don't you name the dog Ralph? This way, not only can people call him, dogs can call him too. Oh Ralph! Ralph! Ralph! Ralph!"

(Ed barks like a dog and scares Ralph.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!"

"Nephew of The Bride":

(Ralph tries to open the window to get Aunt Ethel's milk.)

Ethel: "Pull harder."

Ralph: "If I pull any harder, I will lift the building off the ground."

"The Hypnotist Part 2":

Black Conductor: "You know your not going to see me again until we get to Chicago."

Ralph & Ed (yell in pain and act like they were sitting on a bed of hot coal): "CHICAGO!"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph (whispering): "Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What did you say?"

Ralph (whispering): "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shhh! Alice is asleep."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm going to take a shower."

Aunt Ethel: "Do you mind if I brush my teeth first?"

Ralph: "Give them to me and I'll do it for you."

"Hello Mom":

Ed: "What's a five-letter word for fat?"

Alice: "Ralph."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Alice: "There's on old wives tale Ralph. 'A man works from sun-to-sun but a woman's work is never done."

Ralph: "Good gosh!"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "No one is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one that's big enough?"

"A Dog's Life":

Alice: "You know you Racoons have more emergency meetings than the U.N.?"

Ralph: "It turns out that the Racoons have more emergencies that the U.N."

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "The Nortons had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"Battle of The Sexes":

(There's a bandage on Ed's head.)

Ralph: "What happened to you?"

Ed: "Remember the part that you told me to say to Trixie that I am the king of the castle? Trixie crowned me."

"A Man's Pride":

Alice: "Why can't we go to the Colonade Room?"

Ralph: "Name me one truck driver who eats there?"

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Trixie just said that she saw you on the show."

Ralph: "What did she think of me?"

Alice: "Well, she said that you are the biggest thing on TV."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Are you sure that you can type faster than me?"

Ed: "With boxing gloves on."

"One Big Happy Family":

Alice: "One morning, Ed will use the bathroom first. The next morning, you will use the bathroom first."

Ralph: "Well, that solves my whole problem. Now, I will only be late every OTHER day."

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are playing pinball.)

Ed: "You can still come up empty you know."

Ralph: "The only thing empty around here is your head."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "You want my salary to leak out?"

Alice: "Your salary coundn't even drip out."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Jackie Gleason is down at that Fun & Sun Capital of the World."

Ed: "What is he doing down in Perth Amboy?"

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

(Barney Hackett shows off his gang to Ralph & Ed.)

Barney: "These are my boys."

Ralph: "Lovely family."

"Love Letter":

Ralph: "What was she (Trixie) holding behind her back?"

Alice: "Ralph, really it was nothing."

Ralph: "Alice, you don't hold nothing behind your back. You show it out in front so everybody can see it. Now, what was she holding behind her back."

Alice: "All right. She was hiding your birthday present."

Ralph: "Why did you tell me for? You know I like surprises."

"Norton Moves In" (Color):

(The Nortons come down and ask if they can spend the night since they can't stand the smell of the new paint in their house. Alice okays it. They leave. Ralph is still asleep.)

Ralph: "3am? Why did you wake me up at this time for?"

Alice: "Because the Nortons had their apartment painted today."

Ralph: "Did that newsflash just come across the radio?"

"Brother-In-Law":

Ralph: "You are a doer and I'm a thinker."

Ed: "You certainly are."

"A Man's Pride":

Alice: "Why can't we go to the Colonade Room?"

Ralph: "Name me one truck driver who eats there?"

"Better Living Through TV":

Trixie: "Someday Ed, you are going to ask me to do something for you."

Ed: "I am asking you right now. Leave."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "This is only one of the branches of this bank."

Ed: "That is good for us."

Ralph: "Why?"

Ed: "Because if he doesn't give us the money, we can borrow a few bucks from each of the other branches."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "Why did you have to wear that tie?"

Ed: "What is wrong with it?"

Ralph: "Look at the stain on it."

Ed: "That is all right. It's pot roast."

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Alice: "I burned my finger on that darn stove."

Ralph: "That is a shame. If you are no tbruning yourself, it's my food."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "That phone is for you-you-you."

(Phone rings. Alice picks up.)

Alice: "Hello?" (poking Ralph with the receiver): "It's for you-you-you."

"The $99,000 Answer":

Ralph: "I am going for my pot of gold."

Alice: "Just go for the gold. You already got the pot."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

(Ralph & Ed are fighting.)

Ralph: "I have a million friends. I have 50 down at the bus depot. 50 down in the lodge. 50 down in the bowling alley. There's 100 right there."

Alice: "If you have so many, how come they never invite you anywhere?"

Ralph: "Because I am always with Ed and they don't like him either."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "How about last year at the dancing contest?"

Alice: "What about it?"

Ralph: "I won the rhumba contest, didn't I?"

Alice: "Only because I backed into a hot radiator."

"Expectant Dad" & "Adoption":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. They used to call us 'Big' & 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Alice: "How could you even think of going to the movies when Ed took you to the Kit Kat Club on your birthday?"

Ralph: "Did I ask him to take me there? Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested going to the Copa Cabana."

"You're In The Picture":

(Ralph is dressed as a matador while Ed has bulls horns. Ed is warming up.)

Ralph (yells): "COME ON!"

Ed (yells): "I'M WARMING UP IN THE BULLPEN!"

(Ed charges like a bull and misses Ralph. Ed then decides to stick the horns in Ralph's backside.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHH!"

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Ralph: "Some day, someone might discover you."

Ed: "Not unless he falls down an open manhole."

Sorry, believe it or not, I don't know why those astericks are doing in the WCIU part of my listings. Believe me, WCIU doesn't heavily edit the Honeymooners as far as I know. I apologize.

Credit for the episode reviews of "Ralph's Diet" & "Dinner Guest" goes to mpihomevideo & Yahoo! Groups You're A Riot!

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:

(Note: The Honeymooners is not available in HD. So WPIX puts a black picture frame around the show on it's HD feed.)

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

All times are Eastern.

Mon. Jan. 24, 2011 1a (CC) #87 (aka #76) – “The Hypnotist (Part One)”: Ralph and Norton see a demonstration by "The World's Greatest Hypnotist." When Alice won't give Ralph money for a convention trip, he decides that hypnotism might work on her.

1:30a (CC) #88 – “The Hypnotist (Part Two)”: Alice finds out about Ralph's plans to hypnotize her and decides to teach Ralph a lesson.

Mon. Jan. 31, 2011 1a (CC) #90 (aka #61) – “Two Men on a Horse (Part One)”: When Ralph loses a large sum of money he was to deposit for the Raccoon Lodge, he and Norton think of ways to make the money back in one day.

1:30a (CC) #91 – “Two Men on a Horse (Part Two)”: Ralph and Norton get a hot tip on a horse and go to the track to place their bet. When the odds on their horse go down, Ralph and Norton scheme to sway the odds in their favor.

WCIUDT3 [MeTV in Chicago] (Not MeTV's national feed.)

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

All episodes might be in CC.

All times are Central.

Mon. Jan. 24, 2011 9:30p #029 (aka #120) - "Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"): While leaving the pool hall, Ralph witnesses a bank robbery and takes a bullet through his hat. That's reason enough for him to believe that the thugs will come gunning for him, so Norton tells his on-edge pal to just relax and watch some TV. "What's playing tonight?" Ralph asks. Norton's reply: "Dead Men Tell No Tales." Bibbo: Frank Marth. Danny: George Petrie.

Tue. Jan. 25, 2011 9:30p #030 (aka #121) - "The Loudspeaker": Ralph thinks he'll be named Raccoon of the Year,20so he begins writing his acceptance speech (if he could only get rid of his hiccups). It's a very distinctive honor, he reminds the skeptical Alice, because it entitles the two of them to "free burial privileges in the Raccoons' national cemetery in Bismarck, North Dakota."

Wed. Jan. 26, 2011 9:30p #031 (aka #122) - "On Stage": "Polo ponies." "On Stage" (originally telecast April 28, 1956) actually began, says co-writer Leonard Stern, "with that one word...and we built a whole sketch around it." And it's that single word---pronounced by Norton (Art Carney) to rhyme with monopolies---that has almost single-handedly made this a favorite among Honeymooners fans. The episode begins with Ralph getting a juicy part in a play being mounted by the Raccoon Lodge's Women's Auxiliary. Suddenly Ralph is strutting around like the Barrymore of Bensonhurst and entertaining dreams that a Hollywood producer in the audience will offer him a contract. But before the actual performance, there's a rehearsal with Norton---and that word---to contend with.

Thu. Jan. 27, 2011 9:30p #032 (aka #129) - "Dial J For Janitor": Ralph can't seem to pipe down about the failures of his building's janitor. Then he finds out that the position pays $150 a month with free rent---and decides to take the job himself. Now the most gripes are coming from Norton, who says he hasn't had water in his apartment for so long that he's beginning to "see mirages." Mr. Johnson: Luis Van Rooten. Mrs. Manicotti: Zamah Cunningham.

Fri. Jan. 28, 2011 9:30p #033 (aka #123) - "Opportunity Knocks, But": When Mr. Marshall asks him for a lesson in shooting pool, Ralph believes that his social visit to his boss's Park Avenue home is the cue for his finally advancing in the company. But it's Norton who racks up points in "Opportunity Knocks But," which originally aired May 5, 1956. The pool lesson just gets under way when Norton---not Ralph---starts offering suggestions about making improvements at the company. Impressed, Marshall offers him a job as "Bus Driver Supervisor." Marshall says he likes a man who can think on his feet, but as an enraged Ralph later tells Alice: "Norton works in the sewer. He has to think on his feet; if he sat down he'd drown." But Norton, who's thinking of accepting the offer, tells his buddy not to worry. "As long as I am an executive at that bus company," he tells Ralph, "you are sure of being a bus driver as long as you live."

Mon. Jan. 31, 2011 9:30p #034 (aka #130) - "A Man's Pride": Ralph is too proud to tell a seemingly successful old friend that he drives a bus, so he says he "runs things" at the company in the last Honeymooners episode of the "classic 39," which originally ran from 1955 to '56. CLASSIC KRAMDEN- Ralph's reaction to the dinner check.

Tue. Feb. 1, 2011 9:30p #035 (aka #124) - "Unconventional Behavior": Ralph and Norton become joined at the wrists when Norton tries out his "trick handcuffs" in "Unconventional Behavior," which originally aired May 12, 1956. Aboard a train en route to the lodge's convention in Minneapolis, the guys look forward to "five days of hilarity" and try out some of the novelty items that Norton's brought along. But when Norton's handcuffs won't unlock (there is no key), he and Ralph become closer than they'd like. This scenario yields some memorable physical humor, including Norton trying to take his coat off and the guys trying to figure out some way to sleep in upper and lower berths. It also provides one of the series' all-time lines. "Mind if I smoke?" Norton asks a frustrated Ralph. "I don't care if you burn," Ralph fires back.

Wed. Feb. 2, 2011 9:30p #036 (aka #128) - "The Bensonhurst Bomber": An argument in the pool hall and a joke about a man's name figure in "The Bensonhurst Bomber," which originally aired Sept. 8, 1956. Of all the guest characters on The Honeymooners, few names are more recognizable to fans than "Harvey," or, as Ralph pronounces it, "Har-vee!" In fact, it's that exaggerated pronunciation that gets Ralph in hot water when the towering bully Harvey challenges Ralph to a fight at Kelsey's Gym. As the showdown approaches, a nervous Ralph believes a wiser plan might be to leave town, but Norton insists he has to fight Harvey, especially since they're closing the pool hall in Ralph's honor. "If I fight that Harvey," Ralph replies, "they'll be closing it in my memory."

Thu. Feb. 3, 2011 9:30p #037 (aka #125) - "The Safety Award": Ralph is honored with an award for being "the safest bus driver in the city" and plans to take Alice and the Nortons to the ceremony at City Hall. But his big day is plagued with problems, culminating with Ralph having an accident in his friend's car. Ever the optimist, Norton offers a distressed Ralph some sewer-worker words of wisdom: "When the tides of life turn against you, and the current upsets your boat, don't waste those tears on what might have been, just lay on your back and float." Mr. Martin: Frank Marth.

Fri. Feb. 4, 2011 9:30p #038 (aka #126) - "Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"): Norton gets fired from his job in the sewer after taking Ralph's advice about demanding a promotion. Finding something new won't be easy, Norton says, because, after all, a sewer worker is like a brain surgeon---"we're both s pecialists." Still, after a couple of weeks, he finds work selling irons door-to-door. And when he tells his pal that he made $40 his first day on the job, Ralph suddenly contemplates leaving the bus company to become a salesman with Norton's company.

(WLIW) & (WLIW HD) (Garden City, PBS affiliate):

Two hours.

Sat. Jan. 29, 2011 9p "Make 'Em Laugh: "The Funny Business of America": "Breadwinners and Homemakers: Honey, I'm Home!" The domestic-comedy concept pioneered by the likes of George Burns and Gracie Allen is examined. Featured shows include "The Goldbergs," "I Love Lucy," "The Honeymooners," "The Dick Van Dyke Show," "All in the Family," "The Cosby Show," "Roseanne," "Seinfeld" and "The Simpsons." Billy Crystal hosts.

Note: Once again, TVGuide.com is probably misleading people into thinking that ALN Is going to show the Color Honeymooners on Tue. Jan. 25-Fri. Jan. 28 at 2a, Sun. Jan. 30 at 2a & Tue. Feb. 1-Thu. Feb. 3 at 2a. Yet, zap2it.com & ALN's website say otherwise. (Although ALN does have a picture of a Color Honeymooners episode as one of their videos but when you play it, it's just an advertisement for ALN Primetime.)

Credit goes to zap2it.com, the honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & John K's Book To The Moon.


"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "When you own a house, you can go outisde, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out the door right now into the hallway and do the same thing."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph has every Raccoon believing that he knows Jackie Gleason and will get him to come to the Raccoon Dance.)

Ralph: "Do you remember the last time that the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler bought everybody a round of beer?"

Alice: "Yeah, the time that you told them that you knew Rudy Valee."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "Oh, by the way, when Mrs. Weidmeyer comes in, it might be good if you complimented her on how she decorated this place. You know, she might give you a tip on how to fix up our place."

Alice: "I could sure use her help. I just can't figure out what color pan goes best under our ice box!"

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(One of Ralph's failed inventions that was revealed in this episode was Glow in the Dark shoeshine polish.)

Ed: "Mr. Mitchell, would you like to try shoeshine polish that glows in the dark?"

Ralph (yells): "WILL YOU SHUT UP?"

"Battle of The Sexes":

Ralph: "Don't make a sound while I take a shot. Don't even breathe."

Ed: "If I don't breathe, I will die."

Ralph: "That's okay. Just don't make any noise when you hit the floor."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "How about the time when we were playing softball and you got hit in the head with a bat? Who was it that got you a cab and took you over to the hospital? I did. Who came and saw you every day? I did. Who got you cigarettes and candy? I did."

Ed: "Who hit me in the head with a bat? You did."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "How much time would it take a man if he went about selling these things (Handy Housewife Helpers) if he went from door-to-door?"

Alice: "About one minute if this was the first door he knocked on."

“The Match Game”:

Ed: “I played football in Soldier's Field once. I was on the New York Sewerworkers team when they played the Chicago Sanitation Workers in the annual Garbage Bowl for charity.”

Ralph: “What charity?”

Ed: “Fresh Air Fund.”

“Hero”:

Tommy: “Did you see Mr. Kramden when he was a football star?”

Ed: “No, I was in Prep School at the time.”

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "All right Alice, don't give me the money and if you don't, I am walking out that door! And once I walk out that door it is for good! I will never come back in here again! I will never set foot in this building once I walk out that door! You're going to be awful lonesome around here all by yourself, Alice! Just remember; you can't put your arms around a memory!"

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you!"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph picks up the jacket that Ed put the hot iron on. The jacket is now burned.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that's my idea of a burn."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Alice: "You mean that you are going to call your boss at 11:30 Friday night?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Alice: "Ralph, that's crazy. He might be fast asleep."

Ralph: "That's his tough luck."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph is trying to butter Alice up so he can get the money from her so he could go on the Racoon Convention.)

Ralph: "That was a nice dinner that you made me."

Alice: "You liked the cold cuts."

(A slight pause.)

Ralph: "My, isn't she lovely."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm going to take a bath."

Aunt Ethel: "Would you mind if I brushed my teeth first?"

Ralph: "Give them to me and I'll do them for you."

"Goodnight Sweet Prince":

Alice: "Ed, don't you have to go to work?"

Ed: "There not too concerned about punctuality down in the sewer Alice. As a matter of fact, they think that they are lucky if we show up at all."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell Ed how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "Well, I was driving my bus. He was ready to cross the street by a traffic light and I stopped for at that traffic light because of the red light."

(Ralph looks around.)

Ralph: "Well, if I gone through the light, I may have hit him."

Ed: "You didn't save him. You saved your bus."

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "Trixie & Ed had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"A Matter of Record":

Tommy: "How about it Mr. Kramden? Do you think you can cover first base?"

Ed: "My boy, you are looking at a man that can cover the infield, outfield and all four corners of the bleachers."

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "Ed, you didn't get the job of sewer inspector."

Ed: "No, I washed out."

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that is strong enough to do that."

"Young At Heart":

(Ralph has just said that he has a lot of memories that is attached to his cornette.)

Ralph: "What is a sock doing in my cornette?"

Alice: "It must be one of those tender memories that is attached to it."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "Face it Alice. You are living off the fat of the land."

Alice: "Face it Ralph. You ARE the fat of the land."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "I have an itch."

Alice: "Scratch it yourself."

Ralph: "I can't reach it."

Alice: "Well, you are Taurus the Bull. Swipe at it with your tail."

"Double Trouble":

Alice: "There are two Ralphs."

Ed: "You mean that all the weight Ralph lost last year made another Ralph?"

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "I'm a failure."

Ed: "I could have told you that ten years ago."

"Checkup":

Ed: "Has there been anything you wanted to look inside that didn't belong to you?"

Ralph: "Yes. Your head."

"You're In The Picture":

Ed: "Did you really cut yourself shaving?"

Ralph: "Of course not."

Ed: "Oh, you dog you. You have been eating pizza again."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "I didn't empty out your garbage because it is part of my efficency system. Your garbage can was half full. When it's full-full, then I will empty it. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here, save a trip there and it all mounts up."

Ed: "That is what I am afraid of. It's mounting up all over the building."

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Ralph & Alice are eating dinner.)

Ralph (pointing at his food): "What is that?"

Alice: "That is the appetizer."

Ralph: "What?"

Alice: "The appetizer."

Ralph: "I had my appetizer. I drove a bus for eight hours."

"Boys & Girls Together":

Ralph: "Even the Constitution says that we are entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

Ed: "But the marriage license is an amendment to the Constitution."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

(Ralph & Alice just got introduced as contestants on "Beat The Clock.")

Bud Collyer (as himself): "Have you lived in Brooklyn all your lives?"

Ralph: "Not yet."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice is in the phone booth. They boys don't know it.)

Ralph: "I'm the one in the faimly with it up here."

(Ralph points to his head.)

Ed: "You got plenty of it down there too."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice wants to buy new furniture.)

Ralph: "Furniture? Furniture? We got furniture."

Alice: "Sure we got furniture. But just because you are a Raccoon doesn't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph? You are my husband."

Ralph: "No, I'm your brother."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Nick: "How about $400 a week."

(Ralph coughs.)

Nick: "$500."

(Ralph coughs more.)

Nick: "$600."

Ralph: "Norton, give me some water."

Ed: "Don't be a dope Ralph. Keep coughing Ralph. You will be a millionaire in no time."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, did your first day really go well?"

Ed: "It was a dark, dark day."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Something's Fishy":

Ralph: "When did you ever catch anything?"

Alice: "15 years ago. I caught 300 lbs. of blubber."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE NOT GOING!"

Alice (yells): "I AM GOING!"

Ralph: "The only place that you are going to is the moon."

"Move Uptown":

Mrs. Winters: "Do you and your wife have any wild parties?"

Ralph: "No."

Ed: "He hasn't even taken his wife out in the last five years."

"The Adoption" & "Expectant Dad":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. Nothing wrong with that. They used to call us 'Big' Ralph & 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ed: "I have a well-thought plan to eliminate the deficit. Secretary, would you please strike this down in the record? As we all know, the club dues are $2 a month and even with that the Raccons haven't been paying their dues. I see no reason why we can't shrink the dues down to a $1 a month. Even then, if the member's don't pay their dues, it will be cutting the deficit in half."

Ralph: "Would you mind repeating that?"

Ed: "I said the club dues are $2 a month. If we shrink the dues down to a dollar a month...Secretary, would please erase this from the record?"

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ed puts a beauty mark on Ralph's left cheek after the makeup put some makeup on Ralph's eyes and lipstick.)

Ralph: "What did you just do?"

Ed: "I put a beauty mark on your left cheek."

Ralph: "Why did you do that?"

Ed: "Without it, you look exactly like Barbara Streisand."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

Ed: "Mike Douglas was down the sewer one time to present the USO Award."

Ralph: "USO Award?"

Ed: "Yeah United Sewerworkers Of."

Ralph: "Of what?"

Ed: "We don't know yet. No one will take us."

"Hawaii! Oh! Oh!":

(After Ralph threatens that him and Ed are going to jump out the hotel window if the wives don't give them the money, Ed accidentally falls out.)

Ed: "I forgot. We are on the ground floor."

Ralph: "You don't know how to fall correctly."

Ed: "I would if we were on the 15th floor."

"On Stage":

(Ralph is thinking of how to greet the Raccoons in his letters.)

Ed: "How about 'Greetings!'?"

Ralph: "'Greetings?'"

Ed: "Yeah, the draft board did pretty good with that one."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(The car won't start.)

Trixie: "Ralph, it might help if you turned the ignition key."

Ralph: "I was just about to do that. I just wanted to see if the battery was alive."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "The bills will get bigger and bigger and I will have less to eat. I will start losing weight. Then, do you know what I will look like?"

Alice: "Yeah, a human being."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"Hot Dog Stand" & "Please Leave The Premises":

Alice: "Do you call a bowling ball an absolute neccessity?"

Ralph: "I certainly do. You can't bowl without one."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "Nobody is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one big enough?"

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "We have money in the bank, don't we?"

Alice: "Yeah, we have money in the bank. $3.31."

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Ralph comes home. The lights are out and Alice has a candlelight dinner ready.)

Alice: "Hello Ralph."

Ralph: "So, you forgot to pay the electric bill, huh?"

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Ralph: "After tonight, I may have my own pool table in my apartment."

Ed: "If you do, you would have to stand on the sink to make a shot."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Alice: "You got holes in your gloves. Fix the silverware."

Ralph: "How would you like to have some fingers in your nose?"

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "Why can't you get behind me?"

Alice: "It's not my fault Ralph. It's just that there is no room back there."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "A derrick couldn't get me out of this chair."

Alice: "A good big one might be able to."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "I know how to throw my weight around."

Alice: "If you did, you wouldn't leave it where it is."

"Champagne & Caviar":

Mr. Marshall: "How did you get a job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Just lucky. I guess."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Howard: "Someday, I would like to meet your wife. You are a fine man. Even though I only met you seconds ago, I wish I had a son like you."

Ed: "Take me. I'm yours."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Joey: "A wife is very independent. An American wife is very dominating, she wants to run everything, she will nag you, she won't let you go out nights and she won't let you do the things that you want to do."

Ed: "You are telling me."

"Sun & Raccoon Capital":

Ralph: "You are my special assistant. You will be there where all the big decisions are made. You will be there for all the top-level meetings. You will be in all the smoke-filled rooms."

Ed: "Big deal. I work in the sewer all day and then at night, I have to sit in a smoke-filled room."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed looks at the toaster.)

Ed: "The radiostat conductor is not making proper contact with the electrocoil."

Alice: "What does that mean?"

Ed: "There's a screw loose."

"The Safety Award":

Ralph: "A group of men are picked to do a job, trained in the same fashion as each other, and there's always one man in the group that stands out far in front of the others."

Ed: "If you stood out any more in front you wouldn't be able to get behind the wheel of a bus!"

"Songs & Witty Sayings Part 1":

Ralph & Ed (sing loudly): "WELL, STROLLING THROUGH THE PARK ONE DAY, IN THE MERRY, MERRY, MONTH OF MAY, I WAS TAKEN BY SURPRISE BY A PAIR OF ROUGHISH EYES..."

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "WILL YOU TWO KEEP IT QUIET DOWN THERE? I AM TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP."

Ralph: "That's that wise guy Garrity."

(Ralph goes to the window and opens it.)

Ralph (yells): "AREN'T YOU HOME EARLY GARRITY? WHAT HAPPENED, DID THE
SALOON BURN DOWN?"

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Alice: "You mean that you are going to call your boss at 11:30 Friday night?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Alice: "Ralph, that's crazy. He might be fast asleep."

Ralph: "That's his tough luck."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "I'm the one in the family who's got it up here."

(Ralph points to his brain.)

Ed: "You got plenty of it down there too."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(Ralph & Ed are in the really broken down cottage.)

Ralph: "$998, we have been robbed. What are we going to tell the girls? They will kill us. They will kill us after they saw the place in the showroom. What are we going to do?"

Ed: "If it was April 1st, we can jump up from behind them and yell: 'April Fool!'"

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in the really broken-down hotel.)

Ralph (to Ed): "You keep it up and you won't even be a bellhop. You'll be a..."

Alice: "Why don't you make him a guest? Nothing can be worse than that."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "I'm going to squeeze Mr. Marshall. He's in no position to squeeze me."

Alice: "Of course not. He couldn't even get his arms around you."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "There isn't anything in this world that's going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow and talking to Ed's boss."

Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you could fit through."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph is thinking about letting his boss, J.J. Marshall sample some of the food.)

Ed: "How about we call the food: 'Kramden's Delicious Marshall'?"

Ralph: "Marshall?"

Ed: "Well, we don't know what this food is. We might as well call it Marshall."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "Can you take a hint?"

Ed: "Yes."

Ralph: "All right." (yells): "I HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! NOW GET OUT!"

"Curse of The Kramdens":

Ralph: "I didn't know that Jackie Gleason was irish."

Ed: "Yeah. His family came during the potato famine. In fact, they may have caused it."

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "Berlin threw away a lot of bad lines."

Alice: "Yeah, if you can only find out where he threw them."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph: "You mean that after taking one look at that Carlos, you are going to give him Trixie's potato salad?"

Ed: "Of course. This will fix his wagon. Before I started eating Trixie's cooking, I was a regular Clark Gable."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "Just for that remark Alice, when we get to Fred's Landing, I won't introduce you to Fred."

Alice: "From this blow, I may never recover."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This (the Handy Housewife Helper) is the key to my future. The key to my future."

Alice: "Don't tell me that it has a key for opening the door at Bellevue?"

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

(Ralph gets hurt by Norton's lit cigarette that Norton accidently dropped.)

Alice: "What happened?"

Ralph (yells): "NORTON WANTED TO HAVE A CIGARETTE."

Alice: "So?"

Ralph (yells): "HE USED ME FOR AN ASHTRAY."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "I know how to throw my weight around."

Alice: "If you did, you wouldn't leave it where it is."

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "This isn't a crazy costume. This is what all of us cats wear. I got it! I got it! I'm hip! Ready to go! I'm gone! Gone!"

Alice: "You are gone all right."

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "You are supposed to waddle like a duck."

Ralph: "How can I do that?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "What's the sense of saving money if you can't take it with you?"

Alice: "You are right I can't. I never go any place."

"You're In The Picture":

Alice: "You look like you have lipstick on your face Ralph."

Ralph: "Oh, I cut myself shaving this morning."

Alice: "You cut yourself shaving and only now you are starting to bleed?"

Ed: "Well with the way Ralph is built, it takes a long time for his blood to reach the surface."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

(Pete from Pettskill Studios confronts Ralph about how much money he is spending that Peetskill Studios will have to pay.)

Pete: "Ralph Kramden, who do you think you are, Jackie Gleason?"

Ralph: "How dare you Jackie Gleason! I'm not that nuts."

"The Golfer":

Ralph: "I got enough confidence in me for the both of us."

Alice: "You got enough of EVERYTHING in you for the both of us."

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous that I couldn't answer the first question that they gave me."

Ralph: "What was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"Quiz Show":

Ralph: "I had six years of schooling."

Alice: "I had eight years."

Ralph: "Well, some people learn faster than others."

"Confusion, Italian Style":

(Ralph is thinking that Alice is seeing a boy named Harry Vederchi because he heard her on the phone talking to him and he thinks that is his name when she said 'Arribaderchi.' Ralph tells her what is wrong with him. What does he say?)

Ralph: "All right. Harry Vederchi."

Alice: "All right, good-bye."

"Norton Moves In" (Color):

Ralph: "They are going upstairs."

Alice: "They are staying here."

Ralph (yells): "THEY ARE GOING UPSTAIRS."

Alice: "They are going upstairs over my dead body."

Ralph: "Don't tempt me."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph tries to get Art Carney's autograph for Alice.)

Art: "What's the name?"

Ralph: "My name is Ralph Kramden, but she knows that."

"Stand-In For Murder Part 1":

(Alice is mixing plaster in a bowl. She tunrs on the radio and "In The Mood" plays. Ed Norton comes in and dances to the music with the bowl in his hands. Alice is amused.)

Alice: "Stop that Ed. You are getting plaster all over the floor."

(Alice turns off the radio.)

Ed: "I got an idea. Why don't the four of us all go out dancing one night."

Alice: "Ralph hates dancing."

Ed: "Forget about him. Just bring the bowl."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "Wait a minute. I think I know why this dresser is so heavy. The drawers are probably loaded with junk. Why don't we take them out?"

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes out the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 2":

(Aunt Ethel and Fred are alone in the kitchen. A record is being played.)

(Ed comes in.)

Ed: "Howdy folks. I heard the phonograph playing. I thought you would like some of my records better. Here is a good one."

(Ed puts it on.)

(Loud big band music plays. Ed dances to it.)

(Ralph comes out and takes Ed's record off.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed is hypnotized. He sees Ralph.)

Ed: "Look out. There's a whale in the sewer. It's Moby Dick."

Ralph: "If he wasn't under a spell, I would fracture his skull."

"Manager of The Baseball Team":

Trixie: "Ralph has a good head on his shoulders."

Ed: "What is this on my shoulders, a volleyball?"

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that's very encouraging that you sold to your last costumer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you found the right thing to say. Did you remember what you said to that last costumer?"

Ed: "Sure I do. I said: 'Mama, you just got to buy this iron.'"

"TV or Not TV":

(Ralph is trying to tell Alice that he has more money in is wallet than Ed.)

Ralph: "I have it here."

(Ralph points to his hip pocket.)

Alice: "You have it here..." (Points to her left hip.) "...you have it here..." (Points to her right hip.) "...and you have it here." (Points to her stomach.)

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "What is the first thing that a person has to do if he wants to sell something?"

Ed: "Well, first they look your name (Ralph's) in the phonebook and then they try to sell it to you."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "What kind of life do you think that I lead in this city driving a bus all day? What do I hear? Taxi horns, police whistles, fire engines, breaks schreeching and people hollering. When I finish my work and come home what do I hear? Babies crying, garbage cans-a-rattlin', peddles-a-yellin'. I ask you. What do I have to do to get a little peace and quiet?"

Alice: "Why don't you shut up?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ralph: "The person who lent me this place was an ex-GI."

Alice: "Who was he, Benedict Arnold?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ed: "I know a person who died from stubbing his toe?"

Man: "Stubbing his toe? How is that possible?"

Ed: "He stubbed it on the Grand Canyon's edge."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

Bing: "Looks like you run a very democratic household Ralph."

Trixie: "Yeah, you know what happened to them in the last election."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "The theater has been in me all my life."

Alice: "Yeah, I knew that that wasn't your stomach. It was the balcony."

"The Golfer":

(Ralph picks up the cotton ball.)

Ralph (yells): "OW! IT HAS PINS IN IT."

Ed: "What did you expect. chicken noddles?"

"One Big Happy Family":

Ralph: "That is my business. Driving a bus."

Alice: "If you ate more, you wouldn't be able to fit in a bus."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking that set over my dead body."

Ed: "I couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "From now on, you are to address me ina civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "Count backwards from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I have become Taurus the Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man bu it's the same old bull."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Trixie: "This set is Ed's legally."

Ralph: "Oh, so it's legally his. It's legally his. What law school did you go to? I was unaware that they had a law school at Minsky's."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ed: "Tell Ralph that he's a low-down skunk."

Alice: "Ed says that you are a low-down skunk."

Ralph: "Tell him that he's a miserable bum."

Alice: "He says that you are a miserable bum. So, Low-Down Skunk meet Miserable Bum."

"Nephew of The Bride":

(Ralph found out that Alice's Aunt Ethel and Herman are moving in since Herman lives at the YMCA. He picks up his hat and puts it on.)

Alice: "Where are you going?"

Ralph: "To the YMCA."

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

(Jerry's Lunchroom has very few patrons in it.)

Ed: "After all, it was me who got all of my fellow sewerworkers coming to this place."

Jerry: "Yeah, and look what it did to my business."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "He's (Ed's) my guest and I'm your employer."

Thelma: "Some guest and some employer. The SIMP and the BLIMP."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph brings some of Kram-Mar's Delicious Mystery Appetizer [aka dog food] to Mr. Marshall in a lunchbox.)

Ralph: "I have got in here something that is worth a million dollars."

Mr. Marshall: "Then you must have had a good day on the bus."

"$99,000 Answer":

Ralph: "$600! Peanuts, peanuts. What am I going to do with peanuts?"

Alice: "Eat 'em like any other elephant."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you realize that at the annual clambake I have the honor of opening the first clam? And as we take our cruise up the Hudson River I get to go up to the bridge and steer - as we pass Raccoon Point."

Alice: "Well golly gee!"

"Boys and Girls Together":

Alice: "If you go out one night and it's not your night out with Norton and you don't take me with you, when you get home, I won't be here."

(Alice goes into the bedroom. Ralph walks over to the doorway to the
bedroom.)

Ralph: "Har-har-hardy-har-har!"

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ralph & Alice are at the pool hall.)

Ralph: "This is how you chalk up your cue."

Alice: "Well, that is the stupidest thing I ever heard of."

Ralph: "YOU are the stupidest thing I ever heard of."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(It's Alice's birthday and Ralph has forgotten it.)

Alice: "Ralph, you do remember what today is?"

Ralph: "Sure, it's my pool night."

Alice's Mom: "See? He's good for nothing."

Ralph: "How do you know? You never saw me shoot pool."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "I was born under the sign of Pieces, the fish."

Ralph: "You were born under the sign of Pistachio, the nut."

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:

(Note: The Honeymooners is not available in HD. So WPIX puts a black picture frame around the show on it's HD feed.)

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

All times are Eastern.

Mon. Feb. 7, 2011 1a (CC) #92 (aka #72) - *“Songwriters”: To Alice's dismay, Ralph buys a piano thinking he and Norton can write a hit song and become rich.

1:30a (CC) #95 (aka #56) - *“Move Uptown”: Ralph and Alice plan to move but must sublet their old apartment first. When they can't find a new tenant, Ralph tries to break the lease.

Mon. Feb. 14, 2011 1a & 1:30a (CC?) "No Episode Title": Ralph schemes to improve his lot in life. (Note: Depending on the episodes that WPIX & WPIXD will show, the episodes might be heavily edited.)

WCIUDT3 [MeTV in Chicago] (Not MeTV's national feed.)

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

All episodes might be in CC.

All times are Central.

Mon. Feb. 7, 2011 9:30p #036 (aka #127) - "Alice & The Blonde": Audrey Meadows said that she "loved" the episode titled "Alice and the Blonde" (originally telecast June 2, 1956), and it's easy to see why. For once, it's Alice who's fuming. It's all because of what happens at the home of one of Ralph's co-workers. Trying to ingratiate himself with Bert Weedemeyer (who Ralph thinks may become the bus company's new general manager), Ralph---with Norton by his side, naturally-heaps compliments on the man's wife, a ditsy platinum blonde who calls her husband "Twinkles." Ralph's fawning and flattery isn't amusing Alice, who'll have her revenge. Rita Weedemeyer: Freda Rosen. Bert: Frank Behrens.

Tue. Feb. 8, 2011 9:30p #001 (aka #092) - "TV or Not TV": Ralph and Norton go partners on a new TV, but Ralph rigs a coin toss so the set stays in the Kramden apartment. It's not long before Ralph becomes a total zombie to the new medium, and all Norton wants to do is don his space helmet and watch "Captain Video."

Wed. Feb. 9, 2011 9:30p #002 (aka #093) - "Funny Money": Ralph finds a suitcase filled with money, enough, Norton says, to "keep him in pizza for the rest of his life." There's one slight problem: the money is counterfeit, and the gangsters who printed it want it back. Alice's Mother: Ethel Owen. Boss: Boris Aplon. Ziggy: Frank Marth.

Thu. Feb. 10, 2011 9:30p #003 (aka #094) - "The Golfer": Hello, ball! That memorable salutation---delivered by Norton (Art Carney) as he shows the proper way to "address the ball"---has made "The Golfer" (first aired on Oct. 15, 1955) a favorite in the series canon. Ralph's trying to impress his boss by offering to join him in a foursome. Problem is, Ralph's never picked up a club in his life and learning to play in two days, he concedes, won't be easy---"It'd take me at least a week." That doesn't stop him from turning his kitchen into a fairway, using a pin cushion as a ball and, unforgettably, getting into the mood by donning an outlandish golfing outfit that is, to quote Norton, "dee-vine." DON'T MISS – Ed addressing the ball.

Fri. Feb. 11, 2011 9:30p #004 (aka #095) - "A Woman's Work Is Never Done": Tired of Ralph's complaints about household chores not being done, Alice convinces him to hire a maid. But the new domestic is rapidly getting fed up taking orders from Norton and Ralph, or as she calls them, "the simp and the blimp." Thelma: Betty Garde. Wilson: Frank Marth.

Mon. Feb. 14-19 9:30p (CC?) "No Episode Title": Ralph schemes to improve his lot in life. (Note: Depending on the episodes that WCIU will show, the episodes might be heavily edited.)

*: This episode has been edited HEAVILY.

Credit goes to zap2it.com, the honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & John K's Book To The Moon.

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(Ralph just walked away into the bedroom after Alice's mother dared him to fight her.)

Alice's Mom (yells): "CHICKEN! CHICKEN! CHICKEN!"

Ralph (opening the door, yells): "CROW! CROW! CROW!"

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that's strong enough to do that."

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

(Ralph is playing pool.)

Ralph: "I just sunk in seventeen balls to tie the house record. I am now going to break the house record and I don't wnat to hear a sound out of you."

Ed (accidently making Ralph miss his shot): "You won't even know that I am here."

"Quiz Show":

Ralph: "I had six years of schooling."

Alice: "And I had eight years."

Ralph: "Well, some people learn faster than others."

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous that I couldn't answer the first question that they asked me."

Ralph: "What was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "Okay Wisenheimer, I am now going to put the key where even if you knew where it was, you wouldn't be able to find it. I am going to put it right under my pillow. Now you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get it."

Ed: "Congratulations Ralph, you came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ed just won the TV set with the ticket that Ralph bought for him. Ralph is jealous.)

Ed: "It's just like the guy said: 'A lesser man would have said: 'I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me.''"

Ralph: "I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "Tell them Alice, do I wear a girdle?"

Alice: "No."

Ralph: "There you are."

Alice: "He wanted one but they don't make them that big."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

Ralph: "All right from no on, I will get everything by myself."

Alice: "Ralph..."

Ralph: "Don't 'Ralph' me. If I can't get it, I will do without it. Right now, I am dying for a glass of water, but I would die first before I asked you."

(A pause.)

Ralph (yells): "AREN'T YOU GOING TO GIVE ME A GLASS OF WATER?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "Ed was only trying to help? First, he made me lose my hearing, then he electrocuted me? Why don't you help me some more? Why don't you run me over with the car?"

Ed: "The car won't start."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "I got news for you Alice. Your husband is crazy."

Alice: "Okay. So what's the big news?"

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you realize that at the annual clambake I have the honor of opening the first clam! And as we take our cruise up the Hudson River I get to go up to the bridge and steer - as we pass Raccoon Point."

Alice: "Well golly gee!"

"Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Doctor: "I notice that you have a slight limp. Is that disability permanent?"

Ralph: "No, it isn't. I got it this morning. I hit myself with a hammer."

Doctor: "You hit yourself with a hammer?"

Ralph: "Don't get the wrong idea. Ed hit my leg with the hammer."

"A Dog's Life":

Ralph: "Gee, I remember when I used to weigh 165. Did you see me when I weighed 165?"

Ed: "No Ralph. I never did see your baby pictures."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: "For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a battle was lost. For one of a battle, a war was lost. For one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost."

Alice: "Yeah? Why don't you get lost?"

"Lost Baby":

(Ralph found a "baby" on his bus.)

Ed: "I still say that baby is John Wadamaker's (sp?) baby."

Ralph: "Are you crazy? John is a millionaire."

Ed: "You're right. If he was that rich, he would have left that baby in a taxi."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Here's on bottle. H2O."

Ralph: "H2O. Oh, that is pronounced ho."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ed puts a lit match near the thermometer.)

Ed: 'Hey Ralph, what is a normal temperature, around 98 isn't it?"

Ralph: "98.6."

Ed: "What would you say a bad temperature is?"

Ralph: "102. 103. What is it Norton? What is my temperature?"

(A pause.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT IS MY TEMPERATURE NORTON?"

Ed (starting to cry, yells): "111."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph & Ed (singing loudly): "WELL, STROLLING THROUGH THE PARK ONE DAY IN THE MERRY, MERRY MONTH OF MAY. I WAS TAKEN BY SURPRISE BY A PAIR OF RUGGISH EYES..."

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "WILL YOU TWO KEEP IT QUIET DOWN THERE? I'M TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP."

Ralph: "That's that wise guy Garrity."

(Ralph goes to the window and opens it.)

Ralph (yells): "AREN'T YOU HOME EARLY GARRITY? WHAT HAPPENED, DID THE SALOON BURN DOWN?"

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "I got news for you Alice. Your husband is crazy."

Alice: "Okay. So what's the big news?"

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you realize that at the annual clambake I have the honor of opening the first clam! And as we take our cruise up the Hudson River I get to go up to the bridge and steer - as we pass Raccoon Point."

Alice: "Well golly gee!"

"Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Doctor: "I notice that you have a slight limp. Is that disability permanent?"

Ralph: "No, it isn't. I got it this morning. I hit myself with a hammer."

Doctor: "You hit yourself with a hammer?"

Ralph: "Don't get the wrong idea. Ed hit my leg with the hammer."

"A Dog's Life":

Ralph: "Gee, I remember when I used to weigh 165. Did you see me when I weighed 165?"

Ed: "No Ralph. I never did see your baby pictures."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: "For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a battle was lost. For one of a battle, a war was lost. For one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost."

Alice: "Yeah? Why don't you get lost?"

"Lost Baby":

(Ralph found a "baby" on his bus.)

Ed: "I still say that baby is John Wadamaker's (sp?) baby."

Ralph: "Are you crazy? John is a millionaire."

Ed: "You're right. If he was that rich, he would have left that baby in a taxi."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Here's on bottle. H2O."

Ralph: "H2O. Oh, that is pronounced ho."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ed puts a lit match near the thermometer.)

Ed: 'Hey Ralph, what is a normal temperature, around 98 isn't it?"

Ralph: "98.6."

Ed: "What would you say a bad temperature is?"

Ralph: "102. 103. What is it Norton? What is my temperature?"

(A pause.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT IS MY TEMPERATURE NORTON?"

Ed (starting to cry, yells): "111."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph & Ed (singing loudly): "WELL, STROLLING THROUGH THE PARK ONE DAY IN THE MERRY, MERRY MONTH OF MAY. I WAS TAKEN BY SURPRISE BY A PAIR OF RUGGISH EYES..."

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "WILL YOU TWO KEEP IT QUIET DOWN THERE? I'M TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP."

Ralph: "That's that wise guy Garrity."

(Ralph goes to the window and opens it.)

Ralph (yells): "AREN'T YOU HOME EARLY GARRITY? WHAT HAPPENED, DID THE SALOON BURN DOWN?"