TJL's DVD Critic's Corner! - Sitcoms Online Message Boards

TJL · 02-07-2004, 11:21 PM

Hey film fans, TJL here with my review of a new DVD...

“Underworld” is an action movie involving Vampires, Werewolves, guns, bullets, fighting, gore, all the stuff you should expect in a fun family movie.
According to this film, vampires and Lycans have been waging a secret war for centuries, although I can’t see how they have managed to keep the war secret since the vampires and Lycans run around causing a tremendous amount of commotion in full view of us stupid humans. But, like in all these “Matrix” inspired films, the good citizens of whatever dark, rainy city “Underworld” is set in see nothing strange about a bunch of folks with greasy hair in full length black leather coats running around firing millions of rounds of ammo at other guys with equally greasy hair who growl and turn into giant walking Dobermans at the drop of a hat.
Oh by the way, a “Lycan” is “Underworld” speak for werewolf, something they didn’t mention until an hour into the movie. At first I thought they said “Lycos,” so I was really confused as to why the vampires wanted to kill and internet search engine.
Anyhoo, Kate Beckinsdale plays a vampire who shoots werewolves because that is her job. Apparently there only a few jobs in the Vampire community, there are the “deathdealers” like Beckinsdale (A British actress not to be confused with Kate Winslett or the two thousand other British actresses named Kate), then there are the “elders,” who are old and like to wear robes and heavy pendants, fight with swords and speak with thick accents, and the “background” vampires, who look like downtown club kids who really need to make an appointment at the tanning salon.
Deathdealer Kate, who obviously bought her shiny black duds at Carrie Ann Moss’s garage sale, tries to stop the werewolves from catching this human guy who has really rare blood that can make the werewolves coats all shiny and prevent the spread of fleas and ticks or something, to be honest I really don’t know the reason why, I was enjoying a bag of those new black and white Peanut M&M’s when they were explaining that plot point and I got a bit distracted. Peanuts and chocolate, mmmmm boy that’s good!
The human guy is played by Scott Speedman, who starred on that show “Felicity,” so I can see why everyone in this movie wanted to tear him a new one. Hell, if I saw him on the street tonight, I would probably take a shot at him.
The vampires and wolf guys square off for a big climactic battle, Kate the Vampire falls in love with the human, who also has long greasy hair, (it’s called shampoo people, use it!) billions of rounds of ammunition are fired, Kate saves the day – or night I guess, who knows what’s going on by now, and human guy Scott still looks as confused as he did when he was being jerked around by Keri Russell. The movie hints of a possible sequel, but I would think the world could use a break from gun toting vampire killers.
Yeah that’s right Wesley Snipes, I’m totally dissin’ you…
The DVD does contain some bonus features, but I was doubled over on the couch with bad cramps, so I couldn’t reach the remote to view them. I’d like blame the cramps on the overdose of M&Ms, but who's kidding who?

Next time I will be reviewing the instructional video that came with my Hamiton Beach 14 speed blender - which chops ice for tasty frozen beverages!

Central Perk · 02-07-2004, 11:30 PM

Great Review!

EricIdlefan · 02-08-2004, 06:00 PM

Funny review!! BTW, how many DVD's do you have? Just wondering!! Thanks!!

TJL · 02-08-2004, 06:41 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by EricIdlefan
Funny review!! BTW, how many DVD's do you have? Just wondering!! Thanks!!

I'm not much of a DVD collector. I mostly rent them.
I have a handful of movies that I own and I'm building up my TV show collection. I have the first 5 seasons of M*A*S*H and both volumes of Family Guy. I prefer to own TV show DVDs I guess.

Glad you enjoyed the review.

Janice · 02-09-2004, 02:36 PM

Hilarious review. I have this movie on order at Netflix, but there's a wait for it which is unusual. It must be a popular movie. I think Netflix is getting bigger and their inventory isn't large enough to keep up.

Keep em' coming TJL.

Cactus Jack · 02-11-2004, 08:27 AM

HIlarious review!

02-07-2004, 11:21 PM	#1
TJL Suburbanite Extrordinaire Forum Star Join Date: Dec 29, 2001 Location: New Jersey - the cradle of civilization Posts: 16,588	TJL's DVD Critic's Corner! Hey film fans, TJL here with my review of a new DVD... “Underworld” is an action movie involving Vampires, Werewolves, guns, bullets, fighting, gore, all the stuff you should expect in a fun family movie. According to this film, vampires and Lycans have been waging a secret war for centuries, although I can’t see how they have managed to keep the war secret since the vampires and Lycans run around causing a tremendous amount of commotion in full view of us stupid humans. But, like in all these “Matrix” inspired films, the good citizens of whatever dark, rainy city “Underworld” is set in see nothing strange about a bunch of folks with greasy hair in full length black leather coats running around firing millions of rounds of ammo at other guys with equally greasy hair who growl and turn into giant walking Dobermans at the drop of a hat. Oh by the way, a “Lycan” is “Underworld” speak for werewolf, something they didn’t mention until an hour into the movie. At first I thought they said “Lycos,” so I was really confused as to why the vampires wanted to kill and internet search engine. Anyhoo, Kate Beckinsdale plays a vampire who shoots werewolves because that is her job. Apparently there only a few jobs in the Vampire community, there are the “deathdealers” like Beckinsdale (A British actress not to be confused with Kate Winslett or the two thousand other British actresses named Kate), then there are the “elders,” who are old and like to wear robes and heavy pendants, fight with swords and speak with thick accents, and the “background” vampires, who look like downtown club kids who really need to make an appointment at the tanning salon. Deathdealer Kate, who obviously bought her shiny black duds at Carrie Ann Moss’s garage sale, tries to stop the werewolves from catching this human guy who has really rare blood that can make the werewolves coats all shiny and prevent the spread of fleas and ticks or something, to be honest I really don’t know the reason why, I was enjoying a bag of those new black and white Peanut M&M’s when they were explaining that plot point and I got a bit distracted. Peanuts and chocolate, mmmmm boy that’s good! The human guy is played by Scott Speedman, who starred on that show “Felicity,” so I can see why everyone in this movie wanted to tear him a new one. Hell, if I saw him on the street tonight, I would probably take a shot at him. The vampires and wolf guys square off for a big climactic battle, Kate the Vampire falls in love with the human, who also has long greasy hair, (it’s called shampoo people, use it!) billions of rounds of ammunition are fired, Kate saves the day – or night I guess, who knows what’s going on by now, and human guy Scott still looks as confused as he did when he was being jerked around by Keri Russell. The movie hints of a possible sequel, but I would think the world could use a break from gun toting vampire killers. Yeah that’s right Wesley Snipes, I’m totally dissin’ you… The DVD does contain some bonus features, but I was doubled over on the couch with bad cramps, so I couldn’t reach the remote to view them. I’d like blame the cramps on the overdose of M&Ms, but who's kidding who? Next time I will be reviewing the instructional video that came with my Hamiton Beach 14 speed blender - which chops ice for tasty frozen beverages!
	__________________ "I think I'll stroll up to the front to see how the shooting's going..." - Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce Read my blogs! http://centralparkamisguide.com/ http://dvdcriticscorner.com Visit me on Facebook!http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=641138880 Hey, I do the tweet thing too! http://twitter.com/TomLevier My shop of handmade items! http://www.etsy.com/shop/ColdGarageCreations Last edited by TJL; 02-07-2004 at 11:43 PM.

02-07-2004, 11:30 PM	#2
Central Perk ~~~~~ Forum 4000 Club Member Join Date: Jan 10, 2002 Posts: 4,553	LMAO! Great Review!

02-08-2004, 06:00 PM	#3
EricIdlefan USA 250th! Forum Addict Join Date: Oct 12, 2003 Location: East TN Posts: 68,236	Funny review!! BTW, how many DVD's do you have? Just wondering!! Thanks!!
	__________________ JUSA 250th Anniversary!

02-11-2004, 08:27 AM	#6
Cactus Jack RonFingSwanson Forum Idol Join Date: Dec 09, 2001 Location: Santa Rosa Beach,FL Posts: 103,099	HIlarious review!
	__________________ Id Love to help you Tracy, but I cant have sex with a black guy, Id lose my endorsement deal with NASCAR-Jenna Maroney,30 Rock April 17,2009 9:02 PM : 100,000th post!

02-09-2004, 02:36 PM	#5
Janice Retired Admin - Hollywood Swingin' Forum Legend Join Date: Aug 03, 2001 Location: Beantown Posts: 36,388	Hilarious review. I have this movie on order at Netflix, but there's a wait for it which is unusual. It must be a popular movie. I think Netflix is getting bigger and their inventory isn't large enough to keep up. Keep em' coming TJL.