Blue Eyes Blue

[wingedorange]

Author's Note: Heh, my first fic, so don't throw tomatoes or anything. Posted because Cat would kill me if I didn't. This sucker's in three parts, and it's as finished as it's gonna get. Standard disclaimers apply, additional random disclaimer: "Blue Eyes Blue" is the featured song, and it's by Eric Clapton.

Part One: Nate

Nate sat at the bar in the Anchorside, looking like hell and feeling much worse. His first day back on the job had not been easy. The Division didn’t feel like home to him anymore, despite the warm welcome he’d received from the other inspectors. Seeing CD’s desk occupied by Raina was bad enough, but then being partnered with her…not that he didn’t like Raina; he did. It was just that…well, she wasn’t CD. But then, CD wasn’t CD anymore, either. Not "his" CD, anyway. Raina’s questions had driven that fact painfully home, forced him to reopen wounds that weren’t quite healed yet. Now Nate just wanted to forget.

Nate sighed and realized that forgetting anything about CD was going to be hard. With a small snort, he realized that it hadn’t been that long ago that he’d sat in this bar, thinking he’d never have a chance in the world with CD. Now, here he was, probably sitting on the same barstool, thinking practically the same thing. Funny how things come full-circle, he thought. He smiled a very weak smile to himself and ordered another beer. As the bartender handed over the drink, he asked, "You okay? Got girl trouble?"

You can’t even begin to imagine, thought Nate to himself, but all he said was, "Yeah. Something like that."

"What’s her name?"

"Candace. Her name is Candace." With a small shudder of déjà-vu, Nate realized that the last time he’d been in this bar, brooding over CD, he’d had a similar conversation with a similar bartender. Only that time, CD had left to spend a weekend with her divorce lawyer. This time, she’d just…left. Nate sighed and stared into his beer, as if that would help him clear his thoughts. Memories began to mix with the song on the jukebox, which he recognized as being an Eric Clapton song about lost love. Appropriate, he thought, but in spite of himself, he began to remember…

I thought that you'd be loving me
I thought you were the one who'd stay forever
But now forever has come and gone
And I'm still here alone…

All of a sudden, in his beer mug, he saw flashes of CD. He saw the time she’d gotten bitten by some creep on the job while she was undercover and remembered running faster than the speed of light to catch the guy, being disappointed when he’d gotten away. He saw them together, bomb hunting in that old church. He remembered renting Raging Bull to help coach her for the amateur boxing match she wanted to fight in, remembered her deciding not to fight, and remembered her face-saving comment: “I could’ve taken her.” He remembered their conversation when his sister wanted to get married. He remembered how concerned she’d been about Amy, that little girl who delivered drugs for her parents, and how upset she’d been when she’d had to lie to the mother of those two little boys in order to elicit a confession. He remembered thinking she’d make an amazing mother, and he’d make an amazing father, and they’d be a great team, the way they always had been…

You were only playing
You were only playing with my heart
I was never waiting
I was never waiting for the tears to start…

He remembered trying truffles, just for her, and remembered thinking that, no matter how good that damned fungus was, it wouldn’t have been half as good if she hadn’t been sitting right across the table, smirking that cute little smirk at him as he chewed. He remembered staring down the barrel of that gun that had been pointed at his head, remembered CD being too scared or shocked to move, remembered her telling him, “I got you, partner.” He remembered pouring his heart out to her soon after, telling her how he felt, expecting to get shot down…and then being pleasantly surprised at having his feelings returned. Remembered waiting for her at the little Italian place on Polk, feeling deflated that she hadn’t shown, and then finding out she’ d been shot…and feeling like a Mac truck had just run over his heart…

It was you who put the clouds above me.
It was you who made the tears fall down.
It was you who broke my heart in pieces.
It was you who made my blue eyes blue…

Nate blinked, and then caught himself – he didn’t want to lose the image of CD’s face in his mug, even if was just for a second. He continued to remember…remembered sitting by her bed every night in the hospital, not sleeping, too afraid she would slip away if he dared to doze off. He remembered being the one she looked to for support after being released from the hospital, and he remembered her joy when she found she’d heal good as new. He remembered helping her move into his apartment, remembered dragging CD into the diamond section of the jewelry store in the mall once in a while, “just to look,” remembered rehearsing his proposal in his mind, remembered trying to find the right time to pop the question…

I thought that I'd be all you’d need.
In your eyes I thought I saw my heaven.
And now my heaven's gone away,
And I'm out in the cold.
'Cause you had me believing
You had me believing in a lie
Guess I couldn't see it
Guess I couldn't see it 'til I saw "Goodbye"…

Nate finally looked up from his beer before the memories could turn sour, realizing he hadn’t actually drunk anything because he was so lost in thought. Damn her, he thought. She ripped my heart out, stomped on it, then left me a friggin’ note, hasn’t spoken to me or anyone else since…and I still want her back. Before he could think twice about what he was doing, he pulled out his cell phone and dialed, praying the cell number was still the same. It rang once, twice, three times, and then her familiar voice on the answering machine picked up. At the tone, he took a deep, shaky breath, and said, “CD? It’s me...” As soon as those first words had escaped his lips, he felt better. And so he talked, about everything and nothing, the way he had when they were partners. At that moment, whether or not CD answered the phone, whether or not she called him back, whether or not she even heard the message was unimportant. Right then, at that moment, none of that mattered. What mattered was that, for the first time since CD left, Nate felt home.

[Part 2 coming as soon as I format the damn thing. ]

[CD DeLorenzo]

Originally posted by wingedorange
Author's Note: Heh, my first fic, so don't throw tomatoes or anything. Posted because Cat would kill me if I didn't. This sucker's in three parts, and it's as finished as it's gonna get. Standard disclaimers apply, additional random disclaimer: "Blue Eyes Blue" is the featured song, and it's by Eric Clapton.

You got that right!!!!! This fic rocks, it's awesome! Sad and sweet and *sniff* I especially love the Nate feeling home part at the end here KEEP GOING!!!!!!!!

[wingedorange]

Hehe, Cat is my fanfic conscience, egging me on to post stuff.

[maria1986]

that was freaking awsome!!!!...you are so good at this!...I can't wait for part 2!

[monkeygirl]

aww, that is so cute, I'm excited to hear the second part!

[candace~n~nathan]

WOW!!! that was AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! I can NOT wait until your next post!!!!!!

I'm Lisa btw!!!! or u can just call me stupid, like everyone else does!!

[Snowfall]

Oh, wow, that was so great! You really have a gift there. I can't wait for part 2! I'm Tara.

[wingedorange]

Hehe, thanks for all the compliments, guys. I'm really glad everybody's enjoying it...I had this monumental fear that it would suck. So anyway, here's part 2, for your reading enjoyment.

Part Two: CD

CD paced back in forth in front of her bed in her apartment, alternating between stretching her arms in front of her and tugging her hair in frustration. She couldn’t sleep; she’d been restless all day. It was going to be one of those nights, the kind of night where she couldn’t sit still, couldn’t concentrate for the myriad of thoughts racing through her head, almost couldn’t stand to be in her own skin. She’d had quite a few of those nights after the shooting, but then she’d had Nate to hold her, make it better. Since she’d left Nate, the restless nights became more frequent.

CD wasn’t entirely sure if the restlessness was because she was still shell shocked from the shooting or because she hadn’t been entirely honest with everybody. She’d made a big deal about leaving it all behind, but in reality, she hadn’t left San Francisco - had moved back into her old apartment building, in fact – and, if she was really honest with herself, hadn’t done much to find a new career. Oh, she’d tried in the beginning. She’d gone on a few interviews for various jobs in San Francisco and in some of the neighboring towns, but nothing seemed to hit her the right way. Face it, CD, she told herself, being a flight attendant or a real estate agent just doesn’t give you the same adrenaline rush as being a cop. Somewhere along the line, she’d come to the conclusion that she’d never be happy being anything but a cop, so there was no point in trying. After that revelation, the plan had been to move to another area of the state, or another state entirely, and sign up with another precinct, but something held her back.

And I know exactly what that something is, CD thought, as she slowed her pacing to a halt. Unable to stand being still, but knowing she’d wear a track in the floor if she kept up the pacing, she strode into the bathroom and splashed some cold water on her face. As she did, she caught sight of herself in the mirror and realized that she didn’t recognize herself anymore. I’m not whole anymore, she thought sadly, as she fought the urge to cry. She padded back into her bedroom, sat on the edge of her bed by the nightstand, and reached behind her onto the bed, groping around for Smooch, the stuffed Golden Retriever that Nate had bought her from Build-A-Bear to keep her company while she recovered in the hospital. CD had held Smooch tight when Nate couldn’t be there, or whenever she felt a pain from her injury. Lately, she’d taken to holding Smooch whenever she felt a pain in her heart…like now.

With a small tear welling up in her eye, she thought of the day Nate had walked into her hospital room, holding Smooch and a huge bouquet of Mylar balloons, all smiles. He’d said Smooch would protect her when she was scared or hurting, and he’d always be loyal. “Just like me,” Nate had said, and he’d kissed the top of her head, as if to punctuate his sentence.

CD shook her head to fight off the thought, but it didn’t work. She reached for her clock radio and turned the volume up, not much caring what kind of music came out, as long as it was loud enough to drown out the thoughts in her head, make them go away. As she brushed away the tear that had now made its way down to her cheek, she stopped to listen to the song that was playing, hoping it was something loud and obnoxious. “Wonderful,” she said, to no one in particular, when she realized that the song was sad, though still soft and sweet. “Some stupid love song. Just what I don’t need right now.” But instead of reaching for the radio to change the station, she reached for the top drawer of her nightstand.

I thought that you'd be loving me
I thought you were the one who'd stay forever
But now forever has come and gone
And I'm still here alone…

CD’s hand rummaged through the drawer, knowing exactly what it was searching for. After a moment, she lifted something out – a small, silver-framed photo of Nate. She’d meant to box it up with all the other photos, but somehow, she couldn’t let go of this one. It helped her sleep sometimes, just to look at it. Calmed her down. But tonight, it just reminded her of how stupid she’d been.

How could I have left him a damned note? CD thought angrily, clutching both Smooch and the photo almost too tightly. She held the photo up again, to look at his face, at his eyes. How? She looked again, a little more closely, and knew the truth: she’d been afraid. Afraid that if she looked him in the eye and told him the real reason she was leaving that her plan would be shot to hell. One happy glance from those eyes could melt her, and a sad gaze could deflate her heart. She knew that a truly heartbroken, confused look in those eyes of his would break her in two…maybe even kill her. It sure as hell wouldn’t have made leaving him any easier.

'Cause you were only playing,
You were only playing with my heart
I was never waiting
I was never waiting for the tears to start…

So she had written the note and left before he could track her down and talked her out of it. She knew he’d be confused and upset, but she couldn’t let him dissuade her from leaving. She had to…that gunshot had rocked her, made her think, put her life in perspective, made her realized that no matter what, Nate came first. Life with Nate had been great, and he was so important to her. He’d taken an extended leave of absence just to be with her, help her heal. But when Nate started talking about going back to work, talking about meeting with Kate to arrange CD’s return to the Force as well…CD began to think about the feelings that had been plaguing her. What if she got shot again? What if she wasn’t so lucky the second time around? She wouldn’t do that to Nate, wouldn’t be the one to put herself in a position to be wrenched from his life, although she’d inadvertently done just that. He meant too much to her. She considered staying and not returning to the Division, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to stand watching him do what he loved with a new partner, couldn’t deal with watching him get so close to someone who wasn’t her. So she had written him a note, made up some bull**** story about wanting out, and left. It was for his own good, she told herself through her tears. Now no one gets hurt. But as she looked down at Smooch’s stuffed face, and at Nate’s shy smile in the photo, she knew it wasn’t true. No one was better off, and everyone had gotten hurt, but it was too late to backpedal now. She’d look like an ass if she tried to explain that note, and she was sure Nate wouldn’t want to hear it anyway. He was probably a few miles past furious with her, and it would just be harder on her soul if she tried to explain it now.

It was you who put the clouds above me.
It was you who made the tears fall down.
It was you who broke my heart in pieces.
It was, it was you who made my blue eyes blue…

CD was just about to think of how she’d begin to explain her stupidity, just in case, when the ring of her cell phone snapped her out of her thoughts. She was in no mood to talk to anyone, but she had the cell plugged into her regular answering machine, so she could screen the calls. As she reached over to turn off the radio so she could hear the message, she stole a glance at the clock. It was midnight; who the hell would be calling her at this hour?

Situating herself on the bed, hugging Smooch tight, she stared at the answering machine as if it was a TV show she’d been dying to see, and squinted, as if that would make the caller start talking, but all she could make out was some vague music, and the faint clatter of cutlery, as though whoever was calling was in a busy diner. She was about to give up the call to a drunken wrong number and go for some tea when she heard a slightly ragged intake of breath and a very familiar voice say, “CD? It’s me…”

CD sat, riveted to the spot, listening with rapt attention as Nate rambled to her answering machine. For just a moment, a wave of pure calm fell over CD’s entire body…and then, the wave broke, leaving its wreckage behind. CD listened as attentively as before…but now she cried, huge sobs that wracked her body and felt as though they’d shatter every one of her ribs.



God, these parts are long as hell, aren't they?

The final part - Part 3 - will be along tomorrow night sometime. Gonna make you stew a little before I hand you your ending. I promise, it gets happier!

[wingedorange]

Stupid thing posted twice. :P

[candace~n~nathan]

omg that was sooo awesome!!! It was really, really, really sad, but it was still really great!!!! I can't wait for tomorrow night when u post more then!!!!!!!!!!!

[CD DeLorenzo]

Originally posted by candace~n~nathan
omg that was sooo awesome!!! It was really, really, really sad, but it was still really great!!!! I can't wait for tomorrow night when u post more then!!!!!!!!!!!

totally! I love this story!!!!!!!!!

[wingedorange]

Ahhh! The Bon Jovi picture! *has thoughts of running off with Nate AND Jon Bon Jovi*

(Hey, I'm a Jersey girl. You expected less? )

Know what? I love that everybody else loves it.

[monkeygirl]

wow, this is great! sorry, i didn't introduce myself before, lmao, I'm Deirdre. Welcome!!

[wingedorange]

Hehe, everybody's so friendly!

I seriously can't tell you guys how happy I am that people like this story...especially because I'm so longwinded.

[Snowfall]

Originally posted by wingedorange
Hehe, everybody's so friendly!

I seriously can't tell you guys how happy I am that people like this story...especially because I'm so longwinded.

It's great that you're longwinded, because I love this story! It's so sad, but I have faith that it'll get happier! I can't wait for the next post.