The 2003 Hawkeye Awards - Part Three! - Sitcoms Online Message Boards

TJL · 01-02-2004, 12:40 AM

Hey folks, TJL here, and this is the 2003 Hawkeye Awards, the phoniest award show since the Golden Globes.

Now we come to our “Viewer’s Choice Award” for Most Annoyingly Overexposed Celebrity Couple. Our hard working staff has just finished tabulating the votes, crunching the numbers, and ordering my lunch and we have a winner!

It’s really no surprise who walked away with this award folks. This Hollywood ubercouple has been talked about so much you would have to be a fugitive dictator hiding in a hole underneath a sheepherder’s hovel for the past year to not be swept up in the publicity whirlwind that is Bennifer.
That’s right, Ben Affleck and his pretty Puerto Rican paramour Jennifer Lopez share a name now. Bet you didn’t know that. And what else don’t we know about America’s sweethearts, this canoodling couple with good hair and bad movies?
Glad I asked that, because we’ve prepared this little bit of comedy to bring you up to speed.

TOP TEN LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT BENNIFER
10. Combined entourages are larger than the entire population of Rhode Island
9. He sang backup on all her albums.
8. They once shot an “Access Hollywood” intern just to watch him die.
7. She uses his Academy Award statue to tenderize meat for her delicious “Flank Steak ala J-Lo”
6. Recently had his entire blood supply replaced with Jen’s “Glow” perfume.
5. Spent millions of dollars combing the earth in an unsuccessful attempt to find one person who enjoyed “Gigli.”
4. Currently making arrangements to adopt Matt Damon.
3. One more wedding and her next one is free.
2. Last name? Lopleck.
1. Eight Limbs. Four eyes. One brain.

Well folks, we’ve come to the final award of the evening, the Person Of The Year.
This year, a special little gal caught the attention of the world with her style, her grace, and her stupid, stupid antics.

So I would like to close out the 2003 Hawkeye Awards with a song I wrote especially For our Person Of The Year:

Ahem…

“P” is for your pornographic movie,
“A” is for the ass you proudly show.
“R” is for your really out there clothing,
Which doesn’t stay on long as we all know.
“I” is for your idiot way of thinking,
“S” is for the star that you will be…

Put then all together, and they spell “Paris,”
Paris Hilton, you’re the only gal for me!!!!!

Congrats Miss Hilton! May your ridiculous life bring us many years of entertainment.

Well folks, that wraps up another Hawkeye Awards! Special thanks to my special guests Adam West, Sheila E, William Shatner, funnyman Jeff Foxworthy and the Sitcoms Online Orchestra! Until next time, this is TJL saying good night, toodle loo and will the owner of a green Toyota Camry please move, you're blocking me in.

AllIWantIsYourClutch · 01-02-2004, 12:44 AM

*standing ovation*

david&maddie4ever · 01-02-2004, 12:51 AM

That...was...AWESOME!!! Oh, my God, it was great!

I can't wait until the next show! Great job!

~*Hannah_Lee*~ · 01-02-2004, 01:50 AM

Guess I'd better go move my car...

Ewan's My Man · 01-02-2004, 03:35 AM

WOOHOO!!! *claps wildly*

-*Forever*- · 01-02-2004, 04:04 AM

That was great.

PashminaDietrich · 01-02-2004, 02:25 PM

Congratulations on the most fun awards show I've ever watched sober...

Janice · 01-02-2004, 03:28 PM

Simply hilarious! Each installment was funnier than the last.

Thanks for the laughs TJL!

TJL · 01-02-2004, 03:42 PM

Next time I'm getting Steve Martin to host.
I'm simply exhausted!

Kay Scarpetta · 01-02-2004, 03:53 PM

You rock!!

*Marilyn Monroe* · 01-02-2004, 03:57 PM

*wild applause* TJL, you are so awesome!

Tuesday Weld · 01-02-2004, 04:11 PM

¤I Love Clay Aiken¤ · 01-02-2004, 05:01 PM

LMAO. That was great, TJL! LOl, I especially liked #8.

You're very creative and did a great job!

Cant wait til next years!!!

Cactus Jack · 01-05-2004, 01:41 PM

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This was great, TJL, you should submit a parody to amIright , or host a real awards show or something LOL this was great

Kitt · 01-05-2004, 08:15 PM

Good stuff TJL...

01-02-2004, 12:40 AM	#1
TJL Suburbanite Extrordinaire Forum Star Join Date: Dec 29, 2001 Location: New Jersey - the cradle of civilization Posts: 16,588	The 2003 Hawkeye Awards - Part Three! Hey folks, TJL here, and this is the 2003 Hawkeye Awards, the phoniest award show since the Golden Globes. Now we come to our “Viewer’s Choice Award” for Most Annoyingly Overexposed Celebrity Couple. Our hard working staff has just finished tabulating the votes, crunching the numbers, and ordering my lunch and we have a winner! It’s really no surprise who walked away with this award folks. This Hollywood ubercouple has been talked about so much you would have to be a fugitive dictator hiding in a hole underneath a sheepherder’s hovel for the past year to not be swept up in the publicity whirlwind that is Bennifer. That’s right, Ben Affleck and his pretty Puerto Rican paramour Jennifer Lopez share a name now. Bet you didn’t know that. And what else don’t we know about America’s sweethearts, this canoodling couple with good hair and bad movies? Glad I asked that, because we’ve prepared this little bit of comedy to bring you up to speed. TOP TEN LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT BENNIFER 10. Combined entourages are larger than the entire population of Rhode Island 9. He sang backup on all her albums. 8. They once shot an “Access Hollywood” intern just to watch him die. 7. She uses his Academy Award statue to tenderize meat for her delicious “Flank Steak ala J-Lo” 6. Recently had his entire blood supply replaced with Jen’s “Glow” perfume. 5. Spent millions of dollars combing the earth in an unsuccessful attempt to find one person who enjoyed “Gigli.” 4. Currently making arrangements to adopt Matt Damon. 3. One more wedding and her next one is free. 2. Last name? Lopleck. 1. Eight Limbs. Four eyes. One brain. Well folks, we’ve come to the final award of the evening, the Person Of The Year. This year, a special little gal caught the attention of the world with her style, her grace, and her stupid, stupid antics. So I would like to close out the 2003 Hawkeye Awards with a song I wrote especially For our Person Of The Year: Ahem… “P” is for your pornographic movie, “A” is for the ass you proudly show. “R” is for your really out there clothing, Which doesn’t stay on long as we all know. “I” is for your idiot way of thinking, “S” is for the star that you will be… Put then all together, and they spell “Paris,” Paris Hilton, you’re the only gal for me!!!!! Congrats Miss Hilton! May your ridiculous life bring us many years of entertainment. Well folks, that wraps up another Hawkeye Awards! Special thanks to my special guests Adam West, Sheila E, William Shatner, funnyman Jeff Foxworthy and the Sitcoms Online Orchestra! Until next time, this is TJL saying good night, toodle loo and will the owner of a green Toyota Camry please move, you're blocking me in.
	Last edited by TJL; 01-02-2004 at 02:59 AM.

01-02-2004, 12:51 AM	#3
david&maddie4ever ...the hard way... Forum 3000 Club Member Join Date: Sep 01, 2003 Location: ...staring at my calendar, counting the days until the release of Moonlighting on DVD... Posts: 3,580	That...was...AWESOME!!! Oh, my God, it was great! I can't wait until the next show! Great job!
	__________________ living and loving and learning ...the hard way...

01-02-2004, 01:50 AM	#4
~Hannah_Lee~ Let's dance in style Forum Veteran Join Date: Apr 09, 2002 Location: Alabama Posts: 7,358	Guess I'd better go move my car...
	__________________ Some are like water, some are like the heat Some are a melody and some are the beat. Sooner or later they all will be gone. Why don't they stay young? It's so hard to get old without a cause. I don't want to perish like a fleeing horse. Youth is like diamonds in the sun, And diamonds are forever. Forever young, I want to be forever young. Do you really want to live forever?

01-02-2004, 03:35 AM	#5
Ewan's My Man I'll Cover You Forum Veteran Join Date: Sep 29, 2001 Location: Beneath the opera house... Posts: 5,682	WOOHOO!!! claps wildly
	__________________ Don't you ever wanna be somebody to envy Don't you wanna be footloose and free? Well, you could be the life of the party If you were more- Like me! All you have to do is jump over the moon Moo with me!

01-02-2004, 04:04 AM	#6
-Forever- <3333333333333333333 Forum Superstar Join Date: Nov 22, 2001 Location: Manlius, NY in reality. Deerfield Beach, FL in my heart. Posts: 28,001	That was great.
	__________________ "Mmm... no... Jeter does not do it for me. He looks like the Rock had sex with a muppet."

01-02-2004, 12:44 AM	#2
AllIWantIsYourClutch peaceout. Forum Icon Join Date: Aug 02, 2001 Location: Illinois. Posts: 53,424	standing ovation

01-02-2004, 02:25 PM	#7
PashminaDietrich Oh no, she's baaack Senior Member Join Date: Jul 20, 2003 Location: north of Arlen, south of Southfork, and stuck in the middle with you... Posts: 1,733	Congratulations on the most fun awards show I've ever watched sober...
	__________________ Don't call it a comeback... ah what the heck, go ahead...

01-02-2004, 03:28 PM	#8
Janice Retired Admin - Hollywood Swingin' Forum Legend Join Date: Aug 03, 2001 Location: Beantown Posts: 36,388	FUNNY!! Simply hilarious! Each installment was funnier than the last. Thanks for the laughs TJL!

01-02-2004, 03:42 PM	#9
TJL Suburbanite Extrordinaire Forum Star Join Date: Dec 29, 2001 Location: New Jersey - the cradle of civilization Posts: 16,588	Next time I'm getting Steve Martin to host. I'm simply exhausted!

01-02-2004, 03:53 PM	#10
Kay Scarpetta Defy Gravity 8.26.05 Forum Superstar Join Date: Jul 04, 2001 Location: La Vie Boheme Posts: 28,013	You rock!!
	__________________ The people who think they know everything about Broadway make me laugh. They've never seen a Broadway play in their life. "oh mi godddd RENT's a mooovie! lyke 525600 minuuuuuuutes!" No. To be a Broadway Freak, you must live, eat, sleep, study, devout, think, obsess, dream, believe Broadway. You must know original & revival casts, soundtracks, performance runs, dates, theatres, numbers, how many Tony Awards A Chorus Line won. You must be Broadway. That's right bitches. I AM Broadway.

01-02-2004, 03:57 PM	#11
Marilyn Monroe Diamonds... Forum 4000 Club Member Join Date: Aug 24, 2001 Location: Where gentlemen actually prefer brunettes Posts: 4,811	wild applause TJL, you are so awesome!
	__________________ That certain night, the night we met. There was magic abroad in the air. There were angels dining at the Ritz. And a nightingale sang in Berkeley Square.

01-02-2004, 04:11 PM	#12
Tuesday Weld I missed you all. hugs Forum Celebrity Join Date: Feb 02, 2003 Location: Having a great time. Posts: 22,285
	__________________ Cindy Formerly musicrocksmyworld, ElvisDustyfan and vintagetvgirl. After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I want to see the manager." - William S. Burroughs

01-02-2004, 05:01 PM	#13
¤I Love Clay Aiken¤ MISS APRIL Forum Addict Join Date: Jul 19, 2001 Location: Parsonsfield ME Shaws - Screwing my way up the employment ladder! Posts: 68,780	Great job, TJL!!! LMAO. That was great, TJL! LOl, I especially liked #8. You're very creative and did a great job! Cant wait til next years!!!
	__________________ DAVID COOK FOR AMERICAN IDOL

01-05-2004, 01:41 PM	#14
Cactus Jack RonFingSwanson Forum Idol Join Date: Dec 09, 2001 Location: Santa Rosa Beach,FL Posts: 103,099	!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This was great, TJL, you should submit a parody to amIright , or host a real awards show or something LOL this was great
	__________________ Id Love to help you Tracy, but I cant have sex with a black guy, Id lose my endorsement deal with NASCAR-Jenna Maroney,30 Rock April 17,2009 9:02 PM : 100,000th post!

01-05-2004, 08:15 PM	#15
Kitt James Dean Forum Veteran Join Date: Aug 16, 2001 Location: California Dreamin' Posts: 6,115	Good stuff TJL...