The 2003 Hawkeye Awards - Part One - Sitcoms Online Message Boards

TJL · 12-28-2003, 10:22 PM

Live from the Don Ho Room at the fabulous Secaucus Marriott Hotel, it’s the 2003 Hawkeye Awards!

Featuring George Forman, George Clooney, George Segal, Phyllis George, Georgia Engel, Engleburt Humperdink, and that Sarah chick from “Joe Millionaire.”

And now here’s your host, a man who looks like a pump but feels like a sneaker…TJL!

Thank You! Welcome to the 2003 Hawkeye Awards!
It is a great pleasure to be here once again, to bestow upon some lucky folks the coveted Benjamin Franklin Pierce Trophy of Excellence, which can be redeemed at any Jiffy Lube for a free oil change and the air freshener of your choice.

Boy oh boy 2003 has been an eventful year.

So many things have happened, it was hard to keep track.
There was that movie that we saw, the TV show about that guy and the thing, and that time when something happened and we all talked about it.
We wish we could give all of you newsmakers and rumpshakers an award, but trophies cost money, and there’s no way I’m going to buy more sparkles and elbow macaroni.

So let’s kick the tires and light some fires!

The Hawkeye for Best Public Display Of Affection goes to none other than Britney Spears and Madonna for their MTV Video Music Award Sapphic spit swap. Leave it to America’s favorite Mother and Daughter to turn a perfectly wholesome awards show into a circus.
A sexy, sweaty, feels so good kind of circus...
Anyhoo, after the hoopla died down, the publicity shy pair then went back into hiding, with Britney surfacing every once and a while to be photographed smoking and shopping while The Material Girl went back to writing children’s books and pretending to be British.

Best Non Magic Trick By A Magician – The Hawkeye goes to former street magician David Blaine, who laid in a plastic box for a few weeks while we all looked at him.
Ta-Daaaaa!
Outstanding Dave! Who would have thought lying down for weeks at a time would be so fantastic! Hate to tell you this David, but a guy I know did the same thing years ago.
He called it “getting mono!”

For the Outstanding Achievement In Parenting, the Hawkeye goes to singer/actress/drug sponge Courtney Love, who made sure her daughter Francis Bean had the best darn time a child could have while the cops were busting down the door to arrest her for yet another public display of drugged up stupidity. So kids, the next time Mommy or Daddy has to go away for three to six months, remember what Courtney said, prison is fun!

We have to take a break now folks, but we’ll be back with more Awards and more special guests, like Richard Dreyfuss, Richard Chaimberlain, Denise Richards, Michael Richards, Little Richard, and the cast of the American version of “Coupling,” who will be coming around to take your drink orders, when the 2003 Hawkeye Awards continues…

Ewan's My Man · 12-28-2003, 10:25 PM

i was wondering when these would be posted!

PashminaDietrich · 12-28-2003, 10:28 PM

Can't wait for part 2!

~*Hannah_Lee*~ · 12-28-2003, 11:35 PM

Woohoo! Can't wait for the rest.

¤I Love Clay Aiken¤ · 12-29-2003, 12:20 AM

Great job!

Kay Scarpetta · 12-29-2003, 01:59 PM

:roflmao: this is great!!

Janice · 12-29-2003, 03:59 PM

Hilarious, every word. That's a sidesplitter.

dlemond · 12-29-2003, 04:03 PM

Great stuff TJL.

Please write more.

Cactus Jack · 12-29-2003, 04:21 PM

Thats hilarious

12-28-2003, 10:22 PM	#1
TJL Suburbanite Extrordinaire Forum Star Join Date: Dec 29, 2001 Location: New Jersey - the cradle of civilization Posts: 16,588	The 2003 Hawkeye Awards - Part One Live from the Don Ho Room at the fabulous Secaucus Marriott Hotel, it’s the 2003 Hawkeye Awards! Featuring George Forman, George Clooney, George Segal, Phyllis George, Georgia Engel, Engleburt Humperdink, and that Sarah chick from “Joe Millionaire.” And now here’s your host, a man who looks like a pump but feels like a sneaker…TJL! Thank You! Welcome to the 2003 Hawkeye Awards! It is a great pleasure to be here once again, to bestow upon some lucky folks the coveted Benjamin Franklin Pierce Trophy of Excellence, which can be redeemed at any Jiffy Lube for a free oil change and the air freshener of your choice. Boy oh boy 2003 has been an eventful year. So many things have happened, it was hard to keep track. There was that movie that we saw, the TV show about that guy and the thing, and that time when something happened and we all talked about it. We wish we could give all of you newsmakers and rumpshakers an award, but trophies cost money, and there’s no way I’m going to buy more sparkles and elbow macaroni. So let’s kick the tires and light some fires! The Hawkeye for Best Public Display Of Affection goes to none other than Britney Spears and Madonna for their MTV Video Music Award Sapphic spit swap. Leave it to America’s favorite Mother and Daughter to turn a perfectly wholesome awards show into a circus. A sexy, sweaty, feels so good kind of circus... Anyhoo, after the hoopla died down, the publicity shy pair then went back into hiding, with Britney surfacing every once and a while to be photographed smoking and shopping while The Material Girl went back to writing children’s books and pretending to be British. Best Non Magic Trick By A Magician – The Hawkeye goes to former street magician David Blaine, who laid in a plastic box for a few weeks while we all looked at him. Ta-Daaaaa! Outstanding Dave! Who would have thought lying down for weeks at a time would be so fantastic! Hate to tell you this David, but a guy I know did the same thing years ago. He called it “getting mono!” For the Outstanding Achievement In Parenting, the Hawkeye goes to singer/actress/drug sponge Courtney Love, who made sure her daughter Francis Bean had the best darn time a child could have while the cops were busting down the door to arrest her for yet another public display of drugged up stupidity. So kids, the next time Mommy or Daddy has to go away for three to six months, remember what Courtney said, prison is fun! We have to take a break now folks, but we’ll be back with more Awards and more special guests, like Richard Dreyfuss, Richard Chaimberlain, Denise Richards, Michael Richards, Little Richard, and the cast of the American version of “Coupling,” who will be coming around to take your drink orders, when the 2003 Hawkeye Awards continues…
	__________________ "I think I'll stroll up to the front to see how the shooting's going..." - Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce Read my blogs! http://centralparkamisguide.com/ http://dvdcriticscorner.com Visit me on Facebook!http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=641138880 Hey, I do the tweet thing too! http://twitter.com/TomLevier My shop of handmade items! http://www.etsy.com/shop/ColdGarageCreations Last edited by TJL; 12-28-2003 at 11:25 PM.

12-28-2003, 10:25 PM	#2
Ewan's My Man I'll Cover You Forum Veteran Join Date: Sep 29, 2001 Location: Beneath the opera house... Posts: 5,682	i was wondering when these would be posted!
	__________________ Don't you ever wanna be somebody to envy Don't you wanna be footloose and free? Well, you could be the life of the party If you were more- Like me! All you have to do is jump over the moon Moo with me!

12-28-2003, 10:28 PM	#3
PashminaDietrich Oh no, she's baaack Senior Member Join Date: Jul 20, 2003 Location: north of Arlen, south of Southfork, and stuck in the middle with you... Posts: 1,733	Can't wait for part 2!
	__________________ Don't call it a comeback... ah what the heck, go ahead...

12-28-2003, 11:35 PM	#4
~Hannah_Lee~ Let's dance in style Forum Veteran Join Date: Apr 09, 2002 Location: Alabama Posts: 7,358	Woohoo! Can't wait for the rest.
	__________________ Some are like water, some are like the heat Some are a melody and some are the beat. Sooner or later they all will be gone. Why don't they stay young? It's so hard to get old without a cause. I don't want to perish like a fleeing horse. Youth is like diamonds in the sun, And diamonds are forever. Forever young, I want to be forever young. Do you really want to live forever?

12-29-2003, 12:20 AM	#5
¤I Love Clay Aiken¤ MISS APRIL Forum Addict Join Date: Jul 19, 2001 Location: Parsonsfield ME Shaws - Screwing my way up the employment ladder! Posts: 68,780	Great job!
	__________________ DAVID COOK FOR AMERICAN IDOL

12-29-2003, 01:59 PM	#6
Kay Scarpetta Defy Gravity 8.26.05 Forum Superstar Join Date: Jul 04, 2001 Location: La Vie Boheme Posts: 28,013	:roflmao: this is great!!
	__________________ The people who think they know everything about Broadway make me laugh. They've never seen a Broadway play in their life. "oh mi godddd RENT's a mooovie! lyke 525600 minuuuuuuutes!" No. To be a Broadway Freak, you must live, eat, sleep, study, devout, think, obsess, dream, believe Broadway. You must know original & revival casts, soundtracks, performance runs, dates, theatres, numbers, how many Tony Awards A Chorus Line won. You must be Broadway. That's right bitches. I AM Broadway.

12-29-2003, 03:59 PM	#7
Janice Retired Admin - Hollywood Swingin' Forum Legend Join Date: Aug 03, 2001 Location: Beantown Posts: 36,388	Hilarious, every word. That's a sidesplitter.

12-29-2003, 04:03 PM	#8
dlemond Hey, I know you. Moderator Forum Veteran Join Date: Dec 03, 2001 Location: New Jersey Posts: 6,751	Great stuff TJL. Please write more.

12-29-2003, 04:21 PM	#9
Cactus Jack RonFingSwanson Forum Idol Join Date: Dec 09, 2001 Location: Santa Rosa Beach,FL Posts: 103,099	Thats hilarious
	__________________ Id Love to help you Tracy, but I cant have sex with a black guy, Id lose my endorsement deal with NASCAR-Jenna Maroney,30 Rock April 17,2009 9:02 PM : 100,000th post!