Funny Sport's Article

[Janice]

So who do you like in the Super Bowl?

I hear you, bubba. I haven't got a clue, either. For the record, if someone asks, I'll give them my informed opinion, since I have a laptop and wear a bowling shirt to work and all. But just between you and me? It would be a wild guess.

You've got a slightly worse chance of picking the Power Ball numbers than you do the next NFL champion. All I know is it won't be the Bucs. They couldn't fight off a Boy Scout troop on a sugar rush, much less defend their championship.

But then, that's the way it goes with free-agency football. You're good one year, lousy the next. You're the talk of the league in late January. By mid-October, you can't get your mother to return your phone calls. You've got great team chemistry one minute, a mass free-agency exodus the next.

Don't get me wrong. You can be successful and all. You just can't sustain it from one year to the next. If injuries don't get you, the salary cap will. Or dissension (see Johnson, Keyshawn). Or the Sports Illustrated cover jinx. Or, in the case of the Raiders, osteoporosis.

The 1997-98 Broncos were the last back-to-back Super Bowl champions. Next time a team does it, Michael Vick may be quarterbacking the Golden Acres bocci ball team.

Fact is, no team since those '98 Broncos has won the Super Bowl and won its division the next season. The Bucs shouldn't feel too badly about their lousy season. The '99 Broncos finished 6-10, dead last in the AFC West. At least the Bucs have shown a pulse every now and then. Not only that, Warren Sapp leads the league in commercials, providing hope and inspiration for tubs of goo nationwide.

Great news, Bucs fans. If history is any indication, your heroes should be the early favorites to win next year's Super Bowl. That's the other thing about free-agency football. The key to winning the Super Bowl is to be rotten the previous season._

The Rams were 4-12 the year before winning the Big One. The Ravens were 8-8, the Pats 5-11. At least the Bucs made the playoffs the previous season.

They were a gawdy 9-7, whereupon they lost 31-9 to the Eagles in their opening playoff game, prompting the front office to steal Jon Gruden from the Raiders.

Don't look now, but it's happening again in the No Figuring League. The Cowboys, 5-11 last season, already have clinched a playoff spot. So have the Vikings, 6-10 in 2002, and the Panthers, 7-9 last season. Even the Bengals, their usual 2-14 in 2002, have a shot at a playoff berth, though it would take your basic Christmas miracle.

The team to beat? Search me. Judging from all those e-mails, I was thinking it was the Eagles. But they promptly had their nine-game winning snapped by the 49ers, who hadn't won on the road since Steve Young's first concussion. The Chiefs? You can stick a fork in them, Sparky. They started 9-0, but have allowed 45 points twice in three weeks. Which brings us to the Colts, last seen being punked by the Broncos, sans Clinton Portis, on national TV.

Tell you what. After considerable exhaustive research -- make it three lives this time, bartender -- I've decided to go with the Patriots. Poor guys. Now we know they're not going to win it.


Grade Expectations

Maurice Clarett hasn't attended classes at Ohio State while his legal case against the NFL runs its course. Does that mean he got two A's and three B's or three A's and two B's?

An investigation in the aftermath of the Clarett mess turned up the curious case of Buckeyes wideout Chris Vance. He reportedly got a passing grade in a course after scoring 55 percent on the midterm, 35 on the final, chalking up 11 unexcused absences and missing four of eight quizzes.

Good thing he didn't annouce he was transferring to Michigan. He might have flunked.


Just Say Joe

At least we know Joe Namath's eyesight isn't going in his old age. So he wants to kiss ESPN's Suzy Kolber. Get in line, hoss.

What, you think I'm going to sit here and diss Joe Willie for slobbering all over Kolber's microphone during the Jets-Patriots game? Granted, he shouldn't have said it. Granted, he wasn't being a sensitive, politically correct kind of guy. But judging from those bloodshot eyes, Broadway Joe had been sampling the Gatorade for hours.

I don't know about you, but I've said dumber things than ''I want to kiss you'' after a few hours of sucking down truth serum. I once proposed to a girl with a fu manchu after sitting through a double-header of happy hours.

Fact is, research shows that 63.7 percent of American men, non-committal scoundrels that we are, were half in the bag when they popped the question.

Moral to the story? This one is on ESPN. If they wanted to talk to somebody coherent, maybe Kolber should have interviewed the dude in Section 312 who forgot to wear a shirt in mid-December.


Bowl Fever, Don't Catch It

Memo to the women of America: Wondering what to buy the man in your life this holiday season? If he hasn't missed an exciting moment of the New Orleans Bowl, the GMAC Bowl, the Tangerine Bowl or the Forth Worth Bowl, you might want to get him a new couch. And a shrink to go with it.


Mailbag

Questions? Comments? Season's greetings? Feel free to e-mail me at dontmissjim@aol.com. Some excerpts from recent e-mails...

Loved your Fall of the Evil Empire article, Jim. Keep up the good work. You've got a quick wit and great writing style. AOL should be happy to have someone like you.
-- TJcmx@aol.com
__
I'm something special, all right. That's what they told me before they turned me down for a raise.

Baseball is a dead sport. Attendance figures tell the story. Obviously you are a dying breed.
-- jrpardue@aol.com
__
As far as I know, I'm not dying, but some people think I'm sick.

Um, I read this on accident, and this is just an opinion, but I think that Minette chick is hitting on you._
-- Sierra in Iowa

She talks dirty, too. Come to think of it, most people call me dirty names.

I've never seen someone go so far out on a limb with commentary months before a season even starts. It's so absurd I'm left speechless. The Yankees are still the team to beat. I suggest you wait till October to write your next opinion piece.
-- Rggrand12@aol.com

October? I've got six payments left on my '84 K-Car. I've got to keep typing.

Hey Jim, Nicely written column. It was funny, slightly true, and, of course, completely wrong. Until the Red Sox can beat the Yankees and then win the World Series (cut tape to hysterical laughter), the Sox will always be looked at as the losers they truly are.
Sincerely, Gregg

Thanks for setting me straight on that. Let me guess. You're related to Abner Doubleday, the dude who created baseball.

Listen mister, I'm 15 years old and even I know better than to wrap up a season before it even starts. I hope you're not a Red Sox fans because you just jinxed the entire season!
--PreciousPixie2@aol.com

Fifteen, huh? Didn't your mother ever tell you not to e-mail strangers.

(Regarding the Red Sox beating the Yankees) ... In your dreams.
-- Lilnip13@aol.com

Son, my dreams don't have anything to do with the Red Sox and Yankees.

Jim Armstrong is a sports columnist for the Denver Post. Look for his Did You See That ?!? column on Monday's and Don't Miss column on Friday's on AOL. Post your thoughts on Jim Armstrong's column.

Produced by SportsLine

[Dude111]

Hehe I laughed when I read this

You've got a slightly worse chance of picking the Power Ball numbers than you do the next NFL champion.

We all would like to able to pick the winning #s!!