Sophia's best one-liners!

[GuLight]

I laugh everytime I hear...


SOPHIA: Jealousy is an ugly thing, Dorothy. And so are you in anything backless.

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(Sophia is cleaning out her purse)
ROSE: Sophia, did all of those things come out of your purse?
SOPHIA: No Rose, I was also cleaning out my ears.

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(Blanche enters dressed up for a date, during the first season)
SOPHIA: You look like a slut.

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SOPHIA: (after they are robbed and Rose shoots a gun late one night) I live 70, 80 years. Survive pneumonia, a stroke. One night I'll sneeze and Stable Mable here'll blow my head off.

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For some reason, Rose asks Sophia why she had kleenex in her bra.
SOPHIA: I was blowing my breasts, Rose.

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On the one with Grab that Dough, Sophia found their tickets to the show in her bra, and the girls are all happy about it.
DOROTHY: Oh Ma I could kiss you.
SOPHIA: Uh, not until we locate a toothbrush, okay?

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ROSE: Sophia, why are you so grouchy?
SOPHIA: I'm sorry Rose. I haven't had sex in over twenty years and it's starting to get on my nerves.

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ROSE: Sophia, why are you wearing a trenchcoat inside?
SOPHIA: (flashes Rose) You tell me, Rose! (leaves the room)
ROSE: Dorothy, was Sophia naked underneath that coat or does her dress really need ironing?

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SOPHIA: (singing) Thanks for the Medicare. For Blue Cross and Blue Shield. A hip that finally heald. Remember on prescription, Generic is a steal. We thank you so much.

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(on the one where they go to St. Olaf)
Someone asks Sophia why she isn't sitting on the back of the wagon with them.
SOPHIA: Travelling four days with the three of you without a shower. This jackass smells better.
DONKEY STEERER: Thank you.

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[shocolah]

1. "Well excuse me for trying to have a life!"


(after the other girls all slam their bedroom doors...they had the flu and she had just told them she got date).


2. "Blanche....you're a slut!"

(Sophia's way of saying good-bye when she was off to the convent to become a nun).


3. "Look in the mirror, blubberbutt!"

(She said that to Rose when Rose asked if the four women were eachother when Sophia started her story..."Picture it, Miami, 1987.....they laugh, they cry, they EAT!" )

[bb25]

"...some people like dogs, some people like cats...frankly, I'd rather live with a lesbian than a cat"

Rose: (some St. Olaf story)
Sophia: I hate you.

Sophia: Well I'm her Swedish mother.
Nurse: You're her Swedish mother?
Sophia: Yah, Yah, yabetcha sure...( )

Sequence in hospital...can't remember exact lines...

To Dorothy, about her birth...."..finally I lured you out with a porkchop"
Sophia: "Do you know why I call you pussycat, pussycat?" Dorothy: ? Sophia: "Because I love pussycats, and I love you....and you were the only one in the house who could catch mice!"

Oh gosh there's so many...

[HuntingtonM15]

Beat it you 50 year old mattress!



You're only gonna sit in an inch of water?!

[Composite Sketch]

Sophia's first scenes in Episode 1 were some of the funniest ever.

Dorothy: "Ma, you told the cab driver he could have a $67 tip???"
Sophia: "No, I said a six/SEVEN dollar tip! Why can't these people learn English? This is Miami! I'd have less trouble in Ecuador!!"

Blanche: "Why Sophia! Hello!"
Sophia: "Who are you?"
Blanche: "It's me, Blanche."
Sophia: "You look like a prostitute!"
Rose: "You don't mean that! Blanche, she didn't mean that."
Sophia: "Of course I meant it! Look at her! My cab driver would fall in love!"

Blanche's date puts a fur coat on her.
Sophia: "I hope he's taking you to a cold climate!"
Blanche and her date leave.
Sophia: "The man is a SCUZZBALL!"
*This is where Dorothy has her famous 'throw her hands up in the air/jaw drops' reaction from the intro. It is soooo raw and funny.

Others:

Speaking of Ecuador...
Rose speaks some Spanish to Dorothy.
Dorothy: "Rose, if I closed my eyes I'd swear I was in Ecuador!"
Sophia (walking by): "Sorry, that was me!"

The heat goes out. Sophia, Dorothy and Blanche are in Sophia's bed.
Blanche: "Did you hear that noise?"
Sophia: "Yeah, and as long as I'm in my own bed, I'll do what I want!!"

"I am not incompetent! Once, when I laughed too hard, I had a little accident."

Rose: "Just because I'm built like this, people automatically think I'm dumb!"
Sophia: "You're too hard on yourself. I know people that think you're dumb over the phone."

Dorothy drinks milkshake remnants from the bottom of the blender with a straw.
Sophia: "Is it any wonder I never breast-fed her?"

Rose: "I wonder if jewelry comes from Jewish people? Jeweler! Jewish! I wonder if there's a connection."
Sophia: "I think there's a connection between your brain and WALLPAPER PASTE!"

Blanche: "My life is a romance novel."
Sophia: "Your life is a sports page!"

Rose (to Blanche): "I didn't know people had loins. I've heard of loin of pork!"
Sophia: "In her case, it's the same thing."

The famous Scrabble game, ep. 3:
Dorothy: "Ma, 'disdam' is not a word."
Sophia: "It's a word!"
Dorothy: "Fine, use it in a sentence."
Sophia pauses for a moment, then says: "You're no good at disdam game."
Sophia leaves, Dorothy bites her fingers.

The others try Rose's Scandinavian dessert by holding their noses.
Sophia (entering the kitchen): "Give me a break, there's no way you can smell that from the hall!"

Blanche: "Girls, I have writer's block! This is the worst feeling in the world!"
Sophia: "Try ten days without a bowel movement!!"
Blanche: "You just sit there hour after hour after hour."
Sophia: "Tell me about it!"

I'm sure I can think of some more.

[Superbatboy]

Blanche: Girls how do I look???

Sophia: Like the night hostess at Denny's

[dynoguy88]

SOPHIA: I won't be home for lunch. I'm going to be eating with Alvin.

ROSE: Alvin from the boardwalk?

SOPHIA: No Rose, Alvin from the Chipmunks!

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BLANCHE: What should I wear to the dog races?

SOPHIA: It depends, are you competing?

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BLANCHE: In many ways, I feel just like I did when I was a virgin.

SOPHIA: You mean the feeling isn't going to last long.

BLANCHE: Are you implying that I lost my virginity at an early age?

SOPHIA: I'm just saying that your lucky Jack and Jill Magazines didn't have a gossip column.

DOROTHY: MA!!!!

SOPHIA: Please Dorothy, I'm on a roll!

BLANCHE: I'm sorry Sophia, but I'm not going to let your skeptisism ruin my entire evening. Mel and I were meant to be together.

SOPHIA: I wish I could say the same for your thighs.

[Rhiannon]

Everything's fine. No one's hurt. The home burned down.

[KingOfQueensGurl]

Shes talking to blanch: Fasten your setbelt SLUT PUPPY!
I tell that to my friends all the time.

[Composite Sketch]

Sophia: "Sardinia, 1922.."
Blanche: "I thought these stories always took place in Sicily."
Sophia: "Can't a person go away for the weekend??"

Dorothy: "Ma, Stan asked me to marry him."
Sophia: "I see. Excuse me." Sophia sticks her head in the microwave.
Dorothy: "MA, THAT'S A MICROWAVE!"
Sophia: "I know! I want to get this over with!"

Rose: "The name Madonna doesn't really suit her!"
Sophia: "SLUT would be more like it!"

After the girls were robbed:
Sophia: "I'm going to my room."
Rose: "NO! Sophia, it could be dangerous!"
Sophia: "PLEASE! I'm 80! Bathtubs are dangerous!"

Blanche: "You wouldn't notice but I gained three pounds."
Sophia: "On each side!"

Dorothy: "I defrosted some chicken. We'll eat in half an hour."
Sophia: "I can't eat chicken! It repeats on me!"
Dorothy: "Ma, you don't have to make excuses. If you don't want chicken just say you don't want chicken."
Sophia: "I don't want chicken."
Dorothy: "Fine."
Sophia: "It repeats on me!!!"
Dorothy bangs her head against the cabinet door.

Sophia smacks Blanche's 14 year old grandson.
Blanche: "Is that all you Italians know how to do?? Scream and hit?"
Sophia: "No, we also know how to make love and sing opera!"

Max Winestock: "Sophia?"
Sophia: "Do you hear a dog howling, Dorothy?"

Dorothy catches Sophia in bed with Max.
Dorothy: "Ma, what the hell is going on here???"
Sophia: "Afterglow."

When Dorothy was seeing the married man, she was talking with Blanche and Rose and Sophia walks in.
Dorothy: "Ma, what were you doing?"
Sophia: "Eavesdropping."
Dorothy: "Oh Ma..."
Sophia: "Oooh, so I can't put my ear to the door but you can put your..."
Dorothy: "MA!"

And la piece de resistance....

Dorothy: "Ma, why did I ever marry that man?"
Sophia: "Because he knocked you up!!"
Dorothy: "And why did I let that happen?"
Sophia: "Because he got you drunk!"
Dorothy: "Why am I even discussing this with you?"
Sophia: "Beats the hell out of me."

[Rhiannon]

Zipploc bags confuse you, Rose

[Frasier W. Crane]

SOPHIA: Sorry, Rose, (after getting irritated at her) I haven't had sex in 30 years and it's starting to get on my nerves.

[ConservativeBalla]

Blanche: ...you can heal yourself!! Walk, Dorothy, walk!

Sophia: Hey, jsut bccause you put your makeup on with a butter knife doesn't mean you're Tammy Bakker.