Episode #68 Script

[M82A1]

NewsRadio - Episode #68 "Big Brother"

B = Beth, BM = Bill McNeal, D = Dave, J = Joe, JJ = Jimmy James, L = Lisa, M = Matthew


(Opening scene, Matthew's desk)(Beth walks up to to Matthew's desk)

B: Hey Matthew, can I borrow your stapler?
M: No, please, please, please, please, please. (then makes silly objective noises)
B: What are you doing?
M: See, I've got somebody really special coming here today, and I just want to make sure everything looks perfect.
B: Who is it? Is it a girl?
M: No, it's the exact opposite in fact. (at this point, Lisa walks by and stops at Matthew's desk) See, a couple of months ago I got involved in one of those big, uh, big brother organizations.
L: They let you do that?
M: (asking Lisa) What?
B: Uh, she means 'that's wonderful,' good for you.
M: Yeah, it is great. Yeah, Danny is a real sweet-heart. I've seen him everyday for the past month and we're, like, really bonding.
(Danny walks is)
Danny: Hey Matthew!
M: DANNY! Hey!
Danny: Wow, this place is even cooler than you told me.
M: Yeah.
Danny: And I'm not the only one who thinks so... (pulls a stuffed teddy bear out from behind his back)
M: (to Danny) Ohhh, awesome, another teddy bear, wow. . . (Danny walks away)(Matthew says to Beth and Lisa) They could have at least given me a big brother who knows I'm a little too old for baby toys.
(End scene)

(Intro)

(Next scene; Dave's office)(Bill walks into Dave's office)

BM: Here you go, Dave. In honor of your return as news director, I got everyone to chip in on a little 'welcome back' present. (sets a brown paper bag on Dave's desk)
D: (picks up the bag) Oh, well thank you Bill, that's very nice. (pulls an object out of the bag) It's a. . . a carton of cigarettes.
BM: Yeah, and these are the 100's, which means that much more smoking pleasure.
D: Yeah, I - I don't smoke.
BM: When did you quit?
D: I didn't. I've never smoked - I've never - I've never smoked a cigarette in my life.
BM: Oh. Well, then I guess I'll just hold on to these. . .
(Lisa walks in)
L: Well, congratulations Boss, here's your first Matthew story to edit.
D: Ah. Well, it's not another story about a courageous cat, is it?
L: No, it's a book review of "The Hobbit."
D: Positive, I assume?
L: Effusive. Uh, except for a few moral reservations about the negative depiction of druids.
(Bill chuckles)(Lisa goes to exit)
D: Oh, and Lisa, by the way, um, I think this is your leotard.
L: Oh, yeah. Thank you.
(Lisa goes to exit again)
D: Yeah, uh-huh. When did you start wearing a leotard?
L: Oh, I started taking Yoga.
D: Oh.
(Lisa exits)
BM: . . . She's got a new boyfriend.
D: What?
BM: I can't believe it either. But you heard what I heard: "Yoga," in a "Leotard!"
D: Yeah, but what are you talking about?
BM: It's like this: Lisa brutally dumps her boyfriend - You, and goes out on the prowl for more man meat.
D: Well, Bill, technically speaking, I dumped her.
BM: So, she meats a guy at some sleaze-pit. The guy says: "What are your hobbies?" She panics, says: "Yoga." And then, once they do it a few times, she has to buy a leotard to cover the lie, it happens all the time.
D: What you're actually saying is: it's happened to you, right?
BM: Of course it did. And let me tell you, it was hell finding a leotard in my size.
(Dave moves from his desk to the filing cabinet behind his door)
D: Look, I think you're jumping to conclusions.
BM: Dave, I stand still, the conclusions jump to me! What else did she leave in here? (walks over do Dave's desk)
D: Bill, get out of my desk.
BM: . . . Ah-HAH! Here, if I'm not mistaken, is Lisa's gentlemen friend himself!
D: That's a picture of my mother.
BM: (looks at picture) Hansome woman.
D: Thank you.
(Bill walks to the door)
BM: Join me for a smoke?
(Dave walks back to his desk)
D: No thanks, tryin' to cut down.
BM: Good luck to you. (Bill exits)
(End scene)

(Next scene; Matthew's desk)(Danny is trying to teach Matthew how to throw a football)

Danny: . . . And as you release, you let if roll off your fingertips, like this. (throws the foolball to Matthew)
(Matthew; struggling to catch the ball)
M: Okay. Woop! Got it!
Danny: And that's how you throw a spiral.
M: Oh, yeah.
Danny: Now you try.
M: Oh. (Matthew prepares to throw) Roll off your finger. . . (at this point, Matthew throws the ball in the general direction of Danny, he misses, it flies past Danny, only to hit a guy standing a few yards away drinking a cup of coffee)
M: OH!
(Camera pans to Beth and Lisa standing at the coffee pot, watching, in awe, Danny playing with Matthew)
L: Well, they probably both signed up to be big brothers, and when they got down there they were accidentally assigned to each other.
B: Well, I don't understand, how did Matthew end up in the 'little brother' role?
L: Water finds its own level.
(Camera pans back to Matthew and Danny at Matthew's desk)
Danny: So what do you want to do today? I was thinking, maybe go back to Central Park Zoo?
M: Penguin tank?
Danny: You know it!
M: YEAH!
(Lisa and Beth walk over to Matthew's desk)
L: Uh, excuse us.
B: Excuse me, I'm sorry. Danny, could we see Matthew alone for a moment?
Danny: Sure. I'll be waiting right here.
B: Thank you so much.
M: Okay.
Danny: Matthew, I mean that. I will be right here. I'm not going to dissapear on you, you can count on that.
M: Thanks.
(Beth, Lisa and Matthew head into the break-room)
(End scene)

(Next scene; Dave's office)(Bill walks in, only to find Dave ravaging through his own desk)

(Just as Bill walks in)
D: Ah-hah!
BM: Watcha' got there?
D: It's nothing.
BM: . . . That's an interesting statement. Let's analize this, shall we? "It" is nothing. If something Is, that logic dictates it cannot be nothing. Quod Erat Dimstrim Di-Da-Diddly-Dum...
D: It's just two movie ticket stubs, all right? L-Like I said, it's nothing.
BM: And these came from Pandora's desk?
D: Yes.
BM: Women, huh? Can't live with 'em . . .
D: . . . Can't live without 'em?
BM: I don't know about that part. Especially when they're sneaking around behind your back.
D: Bill, you're over-reacting.
BM: What movie was it?
D: What difference does it make?
BM: Don't twist the knife, Dave! Just tell me what movie it was!
(Dave looks at the ticket stubs)
D: Amistad.
BM: OH! Total make-out flick!
D: What?
BM: Oh, I think I'm going to be sick. Ohh.
(End scene)

(Next scene; in the break-room)(Beth and Lisa are trying to explain to Matthew that the Big Brother organization made a mistake between Danny and him)

B: . . . Okay, but, you're supposed to be the big brother, and then some little... little kid, is supposed to be, the little brother.
M: Oh, I'm supposed to be the big brother?
B: Yeah... yeah.
M: No, no, no, you see, 'cause Danny is not a little kid, so . . .
(Lisa claps her hands)
L: . . . You and Danny. . . are both supposed to be. . . big brothers. . . Both of you were supposed to be assigned. . . little kids. . .
(Matthew stares into space, confused)(Lisa claps her hands again)
M: Okay, you don't have to do that every time. I was thinking . . .
B: Okay, so . . .
M: So this is just embarassing.
B: Well, it's not your fault.
M: Oh, I see now why those two little kids were trying to tag along with me and Danny at the agency.
B: Yeah. Those, those were your . . . little brothers.
M: Wow, guess we shouldn't have ditched 'em, huh?
(Bill walks in)
BM: Hey gang.
M: Oh, hi Bill.
BM: Do we have any half & half?
M: Yeah, in the fridge.
BM: What time is it?
M: Eleven thirty-seven.
BM: Anybody here see that 'Amistad' movie?
B: Yeah, I did.
L: Me too.
BM: AH-HAH!
L: What?!
BM: Nothing . . . (Bill exits the break-room, runs to Dave's office)
(Camera now pans to Dave's office)(Bill runs to the doorway of Dave's office, slouching in the doorjam, struggling to regain his breath, then stumbles to Dave's desk)
D: Trouble at the mill, Lassie?
BM: There's no easy way to say this Dave, so I guess I'll just blurt it out . . .
D: Okay.
BM: Lisa . . . Lisa's dating Beth!
D: No she isn't.
BM: I didn't want to believe it either, Chief. But you should've heard the two of them going on about their wonderful evening together at Amistad!
(Joe walks in)
J: Dave, is it true?
D: No, it's not.
J: Dude, normally I think two chicks getting together is awesome. But since you're my friend, I don't think it's awesome at all.
D: Gosh, thanks Joe.
J: No sweat.
D: But Beth and Lisa are not dating. Bill just got this whole idea from two movie ticket stubs I found in Lisa's desk.
J: Oh, that doesn't mean anything.
D: Exactly.
J: But it does beg the question: "Who is Lisa dating?"
BM: Exactly!
D: So leave the paranoid conjecturing to Bill.
J: Sorry dude, that's not how I operate.
BM: There's tons of good stuff in here, we already found a leotard.
J: A leotard? Oh man!
BM: Yeah, she says she's gotten into Yoga!
J: Oh, any dietary change like that is a sure tip-off.
(Bill and Dave look confused)
D: No, no. "Yoga," not "Yogurt."
J: Oh, that's even worse!
(End scene)

(Next scene; Lisa's desk)

(Matthew is sitting in Lisa's chair, with Beth and Lisa towering over him)
B: Oh Matthew, this is insanity. You have got to tell him that there has been a mistake.
M: I know, it's just not that easy. I think having a little brother is important to Danny, you know? Plus, there's a lot of things I can learn from him.
B: Really? Like what?
M: Like, how to just say "No" to drugs. Or how important it is to just steer clear of the whole gang scene.
L: Matthew, you're 30 years old! You're not going to join a gang!
M: Lisa, don't dare me, okay?
(Danny walks out from the break-room, carrying two cups)
Danny: Okay, here's your cocoa slugger.
M: Oh, thanks big bro. Uh-oh, forgot the marshmallows. Don't worry about it I know where they're hidden. Here, give me that. (Matthew takes both mugs and heads into the break-room)
Danny: He's a great kid, isn't he?
B: Yeah, yeah he is, um . . . don't you think he's a little big to be a little brother?
Danny: Well, you know when I first hooked up with Matthew I thought: "Hang on, I want one of the little ones." But as time went by, we spent more time together, I realized he needs just as much guidance and love and good old fasioned big brothering as anyone else.
L: That's true . . . which is sad. But still . . .
M: (yelling from the break-room) Danny!
Danny: Yeah sport?
M: I can't find where I hid the marshmallows.
Danny: (saying to Matthew) I'll be right there, (saying to Beth and Lisa) excuse me.
(Danny then walks into the break-room)
B: Oh, ya know, actually, he's kind of cute.
L: Well, yeah, sure he's cute, but then -
BM: Hi Lisa.
L: Hi Bill.
BM: How are you today, Lisa?
L: Fine Bill.
BM: So, what have you been doing lately? Or should I say: "who" have you been doing lately?
(Lisa stands up, Bill gets a nervous look on his face. Beth and Lisa then walk off-screen)
(Dave then walks out of his office)
D: Bill just let this die.
(Jimmy then runs into the office holding a video tape)
JJ: Dave, Dave, I came as soon as I heard. How you . . . how you holding up, buddy?
BM: He's fine. It hurts, but he's fine.
(Bill and Jimmy then escort Dave to the break-room where Joe is already waiting)
D: This is so ridiculous.
(Camera pans into the break-room, Bill, Dave and Jimmy enter)
JJ: Joe? (Jimmy tosses the tape to Joe, Joe then puts the tape in and presses play) Don't worry son. We'll get you through this thing.
D: Sir, there is nothing to get me through, all right? Lisa and I are no longer dating. She can do whatever the hell -- (Dave glances at the TV screen) What the hell is this?
J: Surveillance camera footage of the lobby downstairs from the night in question.
JJ: Yeah, Okay, see, here, here's Lisa leaving.
BM: And what have we here? She's stopping. Perchance to meat someone? And who might this be, the lucky gentleman himself?
D: No, Bill. That's you.
BM: Oh. Do I really look that heavy?
JJ: It's probably just the angle. Yeah.
D: And then Lisa's on her merry way home.
JJ: Joe Joe Joe, fast forward a little bit.
J: You got it.
JJ: Okay okay okay, here. Here, now, see, now here, as you'll note is Lisa the next morning.
BM: And someone seems to be wearing the same clothes from the night before.
D: Back it up a little, Joe.
(Joe rewinds the tape a few seconds, they all then review the clip again)
J: . . . Dude, she's wearing the same clothes.
D: Yeah, I can see that.
J: . . . You know what that means?
D: Yes. Yes I, I know what that means.
J: . . . . . . That means 'sex'.
D: YES! Yes, I know, Joe. I know exactly what it means. Thank you.
J: Oh.
(End scene)

(Next scene; Catherine's desk)(Beth is prepping Matthew on how to tell Danny that there has been a mistake)

B: Just follow my lead.
M: No no, don't hurt his feelings. Don't hurt his feelings.
B: I know, just trust me. We're just going to play pretend.
M: Okay, I have to warn you: when it comes to playing pretend I'm like, really good.
B: Okay, but just follow my lead.
M: Okay.
(Beth and Matthew walk to Matthew's desk where Danny is sitting)
Danny: Hey sport.
M: Hey.
Danny: You ready to go back and check out those penguins again?
M: Yeah yeah, oh -
(Beth cuts in)
B: Actually, Danny, I was wondering, uh, if we couldn't talk for a second. I think, uh, actually, there's been a mix-up.
Danny: What's up?
B: Well, um, I don't know how to put this, um, are you familiar with the Big Sisters program?
Danny: Yeah.
B: Oh, okay, great. Well, I'm in that program.
M: Oh.
B: And, um, I've um, I've been assigned to Matthew, to be his big sister.
Danny: Oh. How long as this has been going on.
B: About 2 years.
M: 3 years.
B: 2 or 3 years. The point is, um, ever since Matthew became your little brother, I just haven't had much of a chance to be, you know, big sisterly. You know, the fact of the matter is there's just not enough of the little brother to go around. You see?
Danny: Is that true, Chief?
M: Um, y-y-yeah, it is, yeah.
Danny: I see. And uh, you'd rather keep her, instead of me?
M: Oh, I don't wanna have to choose here.
Danny: She take you bowling, like me?
B: Um, actually, it's not a competition here, Danny.
M: (to Beth) Well, you never did ever take me bowling.
B: But I, uh, did take you ice skating.
M: (to Beth) That's true, you did. (to Danny) Yeah, she did.
Danny: That is such a funny coincidence, because this afternoon after the penguins, I was planning on buying you a brand new pair of skates.
M: Nooo?
B: All right, stop it. Just stop it. You can't waltz in here and buy his love, I'm in here everyday!
Danny: Well, I'd be in here everyday too, but someone's got to make enough money to pay for his guitar lessons.
B: It's not about money, it's about devotion, and it's about what's best for Matthew.
Danny: What makes you think your what's best for Matthew?
M: Just stop it! Can't you see you're tearing me apart?!
(End scene)

(Next scene; Dave's office)(Bill, Jimmy and Joe are preparing to reveal Lisa's new boyfriend to Dave, even though they don't even know who he is)

JJ: Sit down Dave. We need to talk.
BM: We know who it is . . . (Bill then hands a piece paper to Dave)
D: This is Lisa's phone record.
JJ: Yeah, well, Lisa's cell phone is, uh, company property.
D: Well this is a terrible invasion of her privacy.
JJ: No, Dave. We're trying to find out who's been invading her 'privacy.' (to Joe) You get what I'm sayin'?
J: I get what you're sayin'.
JJ: All right, hang on, hang on now, come on. On the day in question, Lisa made three calls to a number none of us recognize.
D: Well I want nothing to do with this.
BM: Well we're going to find out who it is. You're free to go if you like ... (Dave sits quietly) I didn't think so.
(Bill then dials the number on the paper, and puts it on speakerphone)
(Ring)
BM: Presenting Lisa's new boyfriend . . .
(Ring)
BM: Here it comes; Lisa's boyfriend . . .
(Ring)
BM: The guy Lisa's doin', get ready . . .
(Ring)
(The answering machine then picks up)
JJ: (on the answering machine) Hi! This is Jimmy James, I'm not in right now, but leave a message, I'll get back to ya. (theme from "The Rockford Files" then plays)
(Everyone gets a rather disturbed look on their faces)
BM: . . . . . . Wow, this is an incredibly heavy moment.
D: Mr James is not dating Lisa, that's obsurd.
JJ: I'm, allright, I'm not dating Lisa, allright?
J: You don't recognize your own phone number?
D: He changes his home phone number every two weeks.
BM: Why do you do that?
JJ: Security.
J: Oh. Big brother?
JJ: No, it's my whole damn family actually.
(End scene)

(Next scene; penguin tank)(Matthew has his head pressed against the glass of the tank, Beth and Danny are standing behind watching)

(Matthew hits the glass with his fingers)
Security Guard: Matthew, don't tap on the glass.
M: Oh, I know, I know, I'm sorry. (talking about the penguins) They are just like people.
(Camera pans to Beth and Danny standing next to each other)
B: Oh boy, he really loves it here.
Danny: Tell me about it. This is the fourth time this week we've been here. I keep thinking he's going to get sick of it.
B: Oh, but he's not the kind of person who gets sick of things.
Danny: Oh, I've noticed.
(Camera pans to an overly-exited Matthew)
M: (talking about the penguins) Oh, I'm all underwater, but WATCH OUT I'M GONNA JUMP UP ON THAT ROCK!!
(Camera pans back to Beth and Danny)
Danny: You know, he actually reminds me a lot of my nieces and nephews back home.
B: Oh, did you just move here recently?
Danny: Yeah, about two months ago. That's sort of why I signed up for the big brother program, I was feeling a little home-sick.
B: Oh, um, where is home, exactly?
Danny: Arizona.
B: Oh, wow, oh. I don't know anyone from Arizona.
Danny: Well, I guess I'm your first.
(Camera pans back to Matthew still watching the penguins)
M: I don't know if I told you guys this, but the funny part about penguins, is their just like -(Matthew turns around, but much to his surprise, he finds Beth and Danny kissing)- Oh, my god! What are you, - No! You're . . . you're brother and sister! Oh my god! (Matthew then runs off)
(Beth and Danny then chase after him)
B: Matthew, wait! Come back!
(End scene)

(Next scene; middle office)(Jimmy is just about to execute a well-planned operation to extract information out of Lisa's purse, which is hidden in the drawer of her desk)

(Jimmy slams a coffee cup on the floor to grab Lisa's attention)
JJ: Oh my gosh! I dropped a coffee cup.
(Joe slides to the side of Lisa's desk, and attaches a small electronic device, he then pushes the button on the remote control device, and Lisa's drawer opens)
L: Uh, yes, it looks like you did.
JJ: Uh-huh.
(While Lisa is distracted Bill then reaches into the opened drawer and pulls out Lisa's purse, he then takes out what appears to be a diary. He replaces the purse, then Joe closes the drawer by pushing the button again)
BM: Lisa!
(As Lisa turns to look at Bill, Bill throws the diary to Jimmy, Jimmy then hides the diary behind his back)
L: What?
BM: What?
(Lisa looks at Jimmy)
JJ: What?
(Lisa looks back and forth at Bill and Jimmy)
L: What's going on here?
BM: Nothing.
JJ: Nothing.
J: (still hiding on the opposite side of Lisa's desk) Nothing - Damn!
(Dave then walks out from his office)
D: Allright, knock it off. This has gone too far.
JJ: Well what, what has gone too far, Dave?
(Dave then reaches behind Jimmy's back and retreaves the diary, then hands it to Lisa)
L: What is going on here? Joe, get up!
BM: Maybe we should be asking you the same thing, no?
D: Look, this is something Lisa and I can work out between us.
L: Work what out between us?
D: It's nothing.
L: Okay.
(Joe gets up, then walks to Catherine's desk to block Lisa's path so she can be interogated)
J: Do the words "Amistad" mean anything to you?
L: Well, "Amistad" is only one word, but -
BM: Just answer the question. Dave, take this down for the record.
D: No.
L: Bill, I've already told you, I've seen the movie.
BM: With who? Or perhaps I should say "with whom?!"
L: Well, I'm afraid that's none of your business.
BM: So, you're not denying that you did see the motion picture Amistad with somebody, or SOMETHING!
D: Allright, I object to this.
JJ: Overruled! Bill, you may continue.
BM: (to Jimmy) Thank you. (to Lisa) On the night of January second, did you, or did you not rendezvous with one of your so-called 'boy-toys?'
L: Okay now, wait a minute, I object to that.
BM: Withdrawn . . . Lisa, we all like to go out from time to time. See a flick. Have some dinner. Maybe get a little 'ooh-la-la.'
L: (to Dave) Okay, if you wanted to know if I went out on a date, you could've asked me.
D: I really don't care. The only people that care around here are my friends Atticus Finch, Scout and Boo Radley over there.
BM: Who did you go on a date with?
L: A guy named Mike who works in accounting. Any further questions?
BM: . . . Did you and Mike do it?
L: If you must know: No.
BM: . . . . Third base?
L: No. Just a good-night kiss, on the cheek.
J: (to Jimmy) You honor, if I may?
JJ: (to Joe) Your witness.
J: (to Lisa) Then why were you wearing the same clothes that morning as you were the night before?
L: Because that night, I had sex . . . (Lisa stands up) WITH DAVE!
(Bill, Jimmy and Joe all gasp in shock)
L: I called him up, said: "Can I come over?" He said: "Yes." We did it. End of story.
JJ: I thought you guys were broken up?
L: We are. It was just a one time thing for sex.
D: Well when you say it like that you make it sound so . . . cheap.
BM: It does sound cheap. But I'm sure once we know all the sordid details . . . this will go down as the classiest booty call on record.
(End scene)

(Next scene; Matthew's desk)(Matthew is sitting at his desk)

(Beth walks up to Matthew's desk)
B: Hey Matthew.
M: Hi.
B: Oh, you aren't still mad at me for making out with your big brother, are you?
M: Wouldn't you be? Maybe you should try reading the bible sometimes. Why did it take you four hours to get from the zoo back here? I mean what's that all about?
B: Uh, well, Danny and I were looking for you . . . (Beth gets a look on her face as if she had just lied)
M: Sure you were. I'll bet you guys like, went to a movie or something.
B: . . . Hmm, listen, I'll tell you what.
M: What?
B: Tomorrow, me and you could do something in the afternoon together. We could do something fun.
M: Pfft, yeah, like what?
B: Like . . . go to the penguin tank.
M: No, I . . . yeah, okay . . . No, I don't -- Oh, okay let's just go! Look, they open at 6 AM, so we should probably get there by five-thirty, to, you know, beat the rush.
B: Okay . . . Don't tap on the glass.
(Beth then walks away toward the elevator)
M: I know. I, well, I have to get their attention, so if they can, so if I could really talk to them, that would be . . . that would be something, you know? Rwak rwak rwak rwak rwak rwak rwak! That'd be great!
(End scene)

(Next scene; elevator)(Dave's trying to call up the elevator, but Lisa won't stop talking to him)

L: . . . So, we were just talking about the movie, and then, you know, we're having a really good time, and I start feeling like things are going to get to . . . that . . . point, you know?
(Dave nods his head)
L: Are you sure this isn't bothering you?
D: No no. I like talking about this, it's . . . fun.
L: Okay, so then, Mike refers to John Quincy Adams as the second president of the United States.
D: Uh-huh.
L: Which he wasn't! He was the sixth.
D: Yeah!
L: So, right then, I knew it was never going to work, so I kissed him on the cheek and I came over to your place.
D: Yeah, well you know, I guess I just wish I had known you were coming to me straight from the arms of another man, you know?
L: Well, it never came up.
D: Yeah, well I wish we'd just talked about it, or, you know, talked about anything, you know, beforehand . . . or even afterward would have been nice.
L: We had a conversation.
D: No we didn't actually. What happened was, uh, I opened the door, you said: "Who was the sixth president of the United States?" I said: "Jefferson." You said: "Close enough." And then we were on the bed.
L: . . . Well, near the bed.
D: Yeah. Well my point is still the same.
L: I have some stuff to finish up.
D: Allright.
L: Goodnight.
(Lisa goes to walk away)
D: Oh, Lisa . . . I just wanted to let you know that, uh . . . I actually have a date tonight myself.
L: Oh . . . good. Have a good time.
D: I will, I will. Thanks.
L: What time you think you'll be home?
D: About midnight?
L: Okay. I'll see you then.
(Lisa walks away)
D: . . . Okay.