My never seen "That 70's Show" Spec Script - Part 1

[TJL]

Hey guys. I was working on some projects during my week off, and I though I would share with you a "That 70's Show" script I wrote a few years back. I'm going to post it in four sections, because the original script is over forty pages. I wich I could show it to you in script format, but I guess this will do. Let me know what you think.

The title is "Class Project." Eric and the boys are trying to work on a presentation for school, but as usual wackiness ensues. I wrote this during the season when Kelso was dating Laurie behind Jackie's back, just so you know the time frame.
Enjoy!

COLD OPEN

FADE IN:
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - AFTERNOON (DAY 1)

(Kitty, Red, Eric, Kelso, Hyde, Fez)
KITTY IS BUSY REMOVING A FRESH BATCH OF RICE KRISPIES SQUARES FROM THE OVEN. RED ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM WITH HIS PAPER.

RED - (EYEING THE TREATS) I hate Rice Krispies.
KITTY - They’re not for you. They’re for the kids.
RED - I hate the kids.
KITTY - Now c’mon, gloomy Gus, Laurie’s going out for the night, it’s just gonna be a quiet night with you and me and Eric..

ERIC, KELSO, HYDE AND FEZ ENTER. ALL ARE CARRYING STACKS OF TEXTBOOKS.

ERIC - Hi Mom.
KITTY - And Eric’s friends, working on a class project.

RED GRUMBLES AS THE GUYS HELP THEMSELVES TO SOME RICE KRISPIES SQUARES.

RED - A class project?
ERIC - Yeah Dad. We’re doing a group report for History.
RED - (EYEING THE GUYS) Some group. And of course, this project is due tomorrow, and none of you are ready.

THE GUYS NOD.

RED (CONT’D) - I knew it.
KELSO - Well, I work great under pressure.
RED - I see.

RED STEPS TOWARD KELSO. ERIC, HYDE, AND FEZ SCATTER TO ALL SIDES OF THE KITCHEN. RED IS FACE TO FACE WITH KELSO.

RED (CONT’D) - Kelso, is that your van in my driveway?

KELSO - Yes sir.
RED - Why is your van in my driveway?
KELSO - Um...
RED - Didn’t I tell you not to park it there?
KELSO - Yes, uh, you did..
RED - Why?
KELSO - (CRACKING) Um, because...
RED - Because why?
KELSO - I, uh..

KELSO SPRINTS FOR THE BASEMENT.

RED - Better get to work, boys.

FEZ AND HYDE EXIT FOR THE BASEMENT.

HYDE - (TO FEZ) Man, Red almost made him cry that time.
FEZ - At least he didn’t wet himself like I just did.

CUT TO:
OPENING CREDITS
FADE OUT:

ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
FADE IN:
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT- LATER THAT AFTERNOON (DAY 1)
(Eric, Kelso, Hyde, Fez)

THE GUYS ARE SEATED IN THEIR USUAL PLACES, PREPARING TO WORK ON THEIR PROJECT. ERIC OPENS A NOTEBOOK.

ERIC - Okay guys. (READS) “The American Revolution - An Oral Presentation”.
KELSO - (CHUCKLING) Oral.
HYDE - Oh grow up, Kelso!
FEZ - (CHUCKLING) He said “oral”.

KELSO AND FEZ CHUCKLE.

ERIC - Okay, knock it off guys. Kelso, what do you have on your topic, (READING) “Great Moments Of The Revolutionary War.”
KELSO - Check this out.

KELSO PRODUCES A SHOEBOX DIORAMA FROM HIS BACKPACK.

HYDE - Oh gees Kelso, a diorama!
KELSO - It’s not a diorama, it’s a visual aid! I’ve been working on it all week. It’s really cool!

HE SETS THE DIORAMA ON THE TABLE. ERIC AND HYDE EXAMINE IT.

HYDE - Aquaman crossing the Delaware?
ERIC - Well, he is a good swimmer.

KELSO REMOVES AN AQUAMAN DOLL FROM THE DIORAMA.

KELSO - No, it’s supposed to be George Washington. All I have to do is make a costume. Hey Eric, does your Mom have one of those kits that has all the needle and thread and sewing stuff in it, what do you call that?
ERIC - A sewing kit?
KELSO - Yeah!
ERIC - Hyde, let’s see your report.

HYDE BEAMS AS HE HANDS HIS REPORT TO KELSO.

ERIC (CONT’D) - (READING) “The American Revolution: Screw The Indians, We want Cheap Tea.”
FEZ - Nice title.

ERIC LOOKS THROUGH THE REPORT.

ERIC - Okay. Hyde, what the Hell is this?
HYDE - The truth.
ERIC - Ah. The truth from say, a History book, or your version of the truth, which is a made up load of crap.

ERIC TOSSES THE REPORT BACK TO HYDE. FEZ PULLS A SHOEBOX FROM HIS BACKPACK.

FEZ - In my diorama, Superman breaks the Liberty Bell.
ERIC - Oh, we are so dead.

CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE B
INT. PINCIOTTI KITCHEN - LATER (DAY 1)
(Donna, Jackie)

DONNA IS SEATED AT THE TABLE, ENGROSSED IN AN ARTICLE IN HER MOTHER’S COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE.

DONNA - (WINCING) That’s gross. (READING SOME MORE) No, that’s gross!

JACKIE ENTERS, CARRYING A BAG OF GROCERIES.

JACKIE - Hey Donna. What are you doing?
DONNA - Reading this “Love Test” my Mom took in “Cosmo”
JACKIE - Ew. How did she do?
DONNA - Just as I figured. She’s a freak.
JACKIE - I brought some food for Michael and the guys. I figured they’ll need a good meal for their allnighter. (ROLLS UP HER SLEEVES) Well, I better get started.

JACKIE REMOVES A BAG OF POTATO CHIPS FROM THE SHOPPING BAG, OPENS IT, AND POURS IT INTO A BOWL. SHE THROWS THE EMPTY BAG IN THE TRASH.

JACKIE (CONT’D) - Viola! So, are you going over?
DONNA - Why?
JACKIE - Why? To help with the project. I help Michael out with his homework all the time. That’s why he’s such a good student.
DONNA - No, I’ll think I’ll stay here. Eric will be fine.
JACKIE - Donna, have you learned nothing from “Cosmo”?

JACKIE SITS AT THE TABLE WITH DONNA. SHE HOLDS UP THE MAGAZINE.

JACKIE (CONT’D) - Cosmopolitan is like the Bible for women! It teaches us to be nurturing to our mates. To be supportive of his needs.
DONNA - Yeah, and if that doesn’t work (THUMBS THROUGH THE MAGAZINE, FINDS A PAGE) try greeting him at the door in leather chaps!
JACKIE - Donna, you can’t afford leather! Lets just go over there and show our guys that we care about them!
DONNA - Oh, alright.

THEY HEAD FOR THE DOOR. JACKIE GRABS THE BOWL OF CHIPS.

JACKIE - Let’s hurry before this gets cold.

THEY EXIT.

CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - CONTINUOUS
(Laurie, Hyde, Kelso, Fez, Eric)
THE GUYS ARE HARD AT WORK ON THEIR PROJECT. ERIC AND FEZ ARE TOSSING A FRISBEE AROUND, HYDE AND KELSO ARE ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV. LAURIE ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS.

LAURIE - Hello losers.
HYDE - Okay, who ordered the slut?

LAURIE CROSSES BEHIND THE COUCH, SLAPPING HYDE ON THE HEAD AS SHE PASSES HIM. SHE SITS IN KELSO’S LAP. KELSO, TAKEN BY SURPRISE, IS BUSY PLAYING WITH THE AQUAMAN DOLL.

LAURIE - Oh Kelso, how cute. Playing with your little toy.
KELSO - What? Oh this? It’s technical. For the project we’re working on.

KELSO TOSSES THE DOLL TO HYDE.

LAURIE - Relax, stud. The blood’s rushing away from your brain. And you need your brain for your (SEXY) oral project.
FEZ - She says that so much better than you do Kelso!
ERIC - Look, Laurie, we’re really busy here, could you finish whoring up the place and leave?
LAURIE - Okay, okay, (GETS UP) I’m outta here.

SHE CROSSES BEHIND THE COUCH TO THE WASHER/DRYER, SLAPPING HYDE ON THE HEAD AS SHE PASSES HIM. SHE DIGS A SWEATER OUT OF A LAUNDRY BASKET.

LAURIE (CONT’D) - I’ll leave you boys to your studies. I’m going out for the night, on a date.
KELSO - (RATTLED) A date?
LAURIE - Yeah. With Tommy Walsh. He just got back in town.
HYDE - Wow. Has it been three to five years already?

SHE HEADS FOR THE STAIRS. KELSO LEAPS UP AND BLOCKS HER EXIT.

KELSO - (TRYING TO KEEP COOL) So, Laurie, a date huh? That’s so nice. Where are you kids going?
LAURIE - (MESSING WITH HIM) Nowhere special. Probably to the Drive-in. Then his place. Is there a problem?
KELSO - (LOOSING IT) Problem? No! No problem! Go! To his place! Have fun! Lot’s of fun!

HE SITS DOWN IN A HUFF.

LAURIE - Okay then. Good night boys.
FEZ - Have a good time.

LAURIE EXITS. ERIC AND FEZ RESUME THEIR GAME OF CATCH. KELSO SEETHES FOR A MOMENT AS HYDE WATCHES HIM, SMILING.

KELSO - (LAUGHS) Oh, man! I know what she’s doing!
FEZ - Getting her jollies by jerking you around?
KELSO - She’s just trying to make me jealous.
ERIC - Kelso, I really wish you’d just forget about Laurie. I do it every day, it’s real easy.
KELSO - (IGNORING ERIC) Yep. Trying to make me crazy, talking about other guys in front of me. Well, it’s not gonna work!
HYDE - Of course it’s gonna work.

KELSO VAULTS OVER THE COUCH AND SPRINTS UP THE STAIRS.

More to come soon...

[TJL]

Oh, If I see this script published anywhere else, you are all like, so sued!!!

[Cheryl Harrell]

Neat story! Would love to read more!

[TJL]

Here's more.


CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS (DAY 1)
(Donna, Kitty, Jackie, Eric)

KELSO BURSTS THROUGH THE BASEMENT DOOR, PAUSES BRIEFLY TO SMILE AND WAVE AT KITTY THEN CHARGES OUT TO THE LIVING ROOM. KITTY WATCHES THE DOOR FOR A BEAT THEN RESUMES PREPARING FOOD FOR THE GUYS. DONNA AND JACKIE ENTER FROM THE BACK DOOR.

DONNA
Hey Mrs. Forman.

KITTY
Hi girls. Would you like some pizza rolls or some mini egg rolls?

KITTY (CONT’D)
They look so much alike I can’t tell the darn things apart! (LAUGHS)

JACKIE
I brought some food for Michael and the guys. Something to help them study.

KITTY
(EYEING THE CHIPS) Oh, that’s so wonderful of you dear. I’ll get some forks.

DONNA
Mrs. Forman, I need to ask you something.

KITTY
Sure honey.

DONNA
(SHOWING HER THE MAGAZINE) Did you ever take one of those, you know, surveys in Cosmo?

KITTY
Cosmo? Red doesn’t like me reading that magazine.

KITTY REACHES INTO A NEARBY DRAWER AND PRODUCES HER OWN COPY OF THE MAGAZINE.

KITTY (CONT’D)
You’re talking about the March issue, right?

AS KITTY THUMBS THROUGH THE MAGAZINE, ERIC ENTERS.

ERIC
Hey Donna.

KITTY FRANTICALLY STUFFS THE MAGAZINE BACK IN THE DRAWER.

KITTY
Eric! Don’t sneak up on your Mother!

ERIC
Relax Mom. I won’t tell Dad about your dirty magazines if you don’t tell him about mine.

KITTY
What dirty magazines? Do you have dirty magazines?

ERIC
No! It was a joke! (CHANGING THE SUBJECT) So how are you Donna?

DONNA
How’s the project going?

ERIC
Oh, great. So far we’ve got two dioramas and a hate letter. Looks like an “A” to me!

JACKIE
Well, if you and Michael need any help, we’re here for you. How’s Michael doing?

ERIC
Michael? Oh, Kelso! That’s funny, I forgot who you were talking about, because you call him Michael, and we call him Kelso. Would you excuse me? I left something in the..thing.

ERIC BOLTS TO THE LIVING ROOM.

JACKIE
Donna, no offense, but Eric is so weird sometimes.

DONNA TURNS TO KITTY. JACKIE REALIZES WHAT SHE SAID.

KITTY
Don’t look at me, I’m not the one going out with him.

KITTY AND JACKIE SHARE A LAUGH.

CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT- CONTINUOUS (DAY 1)
(Hyde, Fez, Red, Eric, Kelso)

FEZ IS STANDING IN FRONT OF HYDE, HOLDING SOME INDEX CARDS.

HYDE
Okay Fez. The key to public speaking is to relax.

FEZ SHAKES OUT HIS HANDS, STRETCHES A BIT.

HYDE (CONT’D)
Now smile.
FEZ FLASHES A WINNING SMILE.

HYDE (CONT’D)
Okay, now go.

FEZ
(LOW MONOTONE) In the winter of 1775 the Continental Army struck a crushing blow against..

HYDE
Stop Fez.

FEZ
Maybe I should open with a joke. Two fishermen walk into a brothel..

HYDE
No jokes Fez. Although that one is funny. (CHUCKLES) You gotta relax, man.

FEZ
I’m sorry. I can’t do this public speaking. I get so nervous. You know me, I’m shy. And fragile.

HYDE
Okay, I have an idea. Tomorrow, when you step up in front of the class, picture everyone in their underwear.

FEZ
In their underwear?

HYDE
Yup.

FEZ
I can do that. (LEERING) In fact, I’m doing it right now.

HYDE
Okay, now hold that thought in your head. And go.

AS FEZ PREPARES, RED ENTERS CARRYING SOME EMPTY BOXES.

RED
Steven, I’m going to put these boxes in your room which is in my house that you live in rent free. You don’t mind, do you?

HYDE
Not at all Red. I could use an end table.

RED
How’s the report going Fez?

FROM FEZ’S POINT OF VIEW, RED IS STANDING IN FRONT OF HIM IN HIS UNDERWEAR.

FEZ
Oh my God!

FEZ SITS DOWN. RED LOOKS AT HIM FOR A BEAT, THEN HEADS FOR THE BACK ROOM. ERIC PEEKS IN FROM THE BASEMENT DOOR.

ERIC
Are the girls here?

HYDE
No.

ERIC AND KELSO ENTER.

ERIC
Oh man that was close. (TO KELSO) What were you thinking? Your girlfriend is upstairs!

KELSO
Okay, Eric, you’re gonna have to be more specific than that.

HYDE
(MOTIONING TO THE BACK ROOM) Uh, guys..

ERIC
The one who doesn’t know what you’re doing with my sister!

RED APPEARS FROM HYDE’S ROOM.

RED
A-ha! I knew it!

THE GUYS FREEZE. KELSO WHIMPERS. RED APPROACHES THE COUCH, CARRYING A LARGE WRENCH.

RED (CONT’D)
I’ve been looking for this! I knew it was down here somewhere.

RED EXITS. THE GUYS BREATHE A SIGH OF RELIEF. KELSO AND ERIC COLLAPSE ON THE COUCH.

KELSO
Oh man! I thought he was gonna kill me!

ERIC
Welcome to my world. Although, if you died, I think the school would have to give us an automatic “A” on this project.

FEZ
Really? (TO KELSO) Thanks a lot you selfish whore!

CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE C
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - A LITTLE WHILE LATER (DAY 1)
(Donna, Kitty)

KITTY AND DONNA ARE AT THE KITCHEN TABLE. DONNA IS HOLDING HER COPY OF “COSMO”.

DONNA
Okay, Mrs. Forman, I need to ask you something, but.. God, this is really embarrassing.

KITTY
What is it honey? You can tell me. I am a Nurse you know.

DONNA
Okay (OPENING THE MAGAZINE) Could you please explain Number 17?

KITTY
(READS) That? Oh. Well. (LAUGHS) That, is... (THINKS) dirty. Nice girls shouldn’t do things like that.

DONNA
Oh, man. Eric is gonna be so disappointed.

KITTY
What?

DONNA
I’m kidding!

KITTY
Oh! (LAUGHS) Donna! You got me!

THEY SHARE A LAUGH. THEY SIT QUIETLY FOR A BEAT.

DONNA
Seriously, what is it?

KITTY
Not telling.

CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT- CONTINUOUS (DAY 1)
(Eric, Hyde, Fez, Jackie, Kelso, Laurie)

ERIC IS READING HIS REPORT TO THE GANG, MINUS DONNA. JACKIE IS PLAYING WITH THE AQUAMAN DOLL.

ERIC
And with the French fleet backing up the Colonial Navy, the British surrendered.

THE GANG APPLAUDS.

ERIC (CONT’D)
So, how was it?

HYDE
Very good. For a pack of lies.

ERIC
Fez, what did you think?

FEZ
(EYEING JACKIE) May I please read my report now?

HYDE
Down Fez. Save it for tomorrow.

FEZ
I’m not going to make it.

JACKIE
I have a question. (HOLDING UP THE DOLL) What exactly does Aquaman do?

KELSO
Duh, Jackie. He fights crime underwater. And he’s not Aquaman, he’s George Washington. I gotta make a costume for him.

JACKIE
Oh Michael, let me make the costume.(GETS UP) I’ll go see if Mrs. Forman has one of those kits with the needles and thread and stuff. What do you call it?

HYDE
Sewing Kit?

JACKIE
Yeah!

JACKIE EXITS UPSTAIRS.

ERIC
Seriously guys, how was the report?

HYDE
You stand funny.

ERIC
What, was I slouching?

HYDE
No. Just making an observation. You stand funny.

KELSO
Hyde’s right. (GETS UP) Your hips are all wrong.

KELSO STEPS BEHIND ERIC AND GRABS HIS HIPS.

ERIC
Whoa! (PULLS AWAY) Nobody is allowed to touch me there!

FEZ
That explains why you were a virgin for so long.

KELSO
Seriously guys, standing is all in the hips. Hyde, touch my hips.

HYDE
Not with Fez’s hands.

ERIC, HYDE AND FEZ EXIT.

KELSO
C,mon! Fez! Touch my hips!

LAURIE ENTERS VIA THE BASEMENT DOOR. SHE SNEAKS UP BEHIND KELSO AND GRABS HIS HIPS. KELSO JUMPS. LAURIE LAUGHS.

KELSO (CONT’D)
Laurie! What are you doing here? I thought you were on a date.

LAURIE
No. I wasn’t on a date. I just said that to make you jealous.

KELSO
You got stood up, didn’t you?

LAURIE
Shut up! So now I guess I’ll just stay home. In my room.

KELSO
Cool. You gonna watch TV or something?

LAURIE
Kelso, concentrate. I’ll be in my room. All alone.

KELSO
(FINALLY GETS IT) Oh! (THEN) But Laurie, Jackie’s upstairs.
LAURIE STEPS TOWARD HIM.

LAURIE
I don’t care.

SHE PUSHES HIM ONTO THE COUCH.

KELSO
Wait, Laurie, Red’s up there! And he’s been wanting to kick my ass since I was ten!

SHE PINS HIM DOWN.

LAURIE
Upstairs. My room.

SHE KISSES HIM.

LAURIE (CONT’D)
Okay?

KELSO NODS. LAURIE CLIMBS OFF KELSO AND EXITS UPSTAIRS. KELSO REMAINS ON THE COUCH.

KELSO
Damn! Why do I have to be so hot?
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE

Act two coming soon...

[dlemond]

Nice job.

Better than most of last season, you've got the nuances and the feel captured and consistent. And that is not such an easy task to be consistent and funny at the same time. You actually give dialogue that you can imagine the actors working to its comic potential.

I suggest you keep writing.

And not necessarily this.

[dandelion wine]

Originally posted by dlemond
Nice job.

Better than most of last season, you've got the nuances and the feel captured and consistent. And that is not such an easy task to be consistent and funny at the same time. You actually give dialogue that you can imagine the actors working to its comic potential.

I suggest you keep writing.

And not necessarily this.

Really good job, TJL. Keep it up.

[TJL]

Thanks for the kind words guys. Here is act two.

ACT TWO
SCENE E
FADE IN:

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT- EVENING (DAY 1)
(Donna, Eric)
ERIC AND DONNA ARE CURLED UP ON THE COUCH. ERIC IS READING THE LOVE QUIZ IN DONNA’S COPY OF “COSMO”. DONNA POINTS OUT QUESTION 17.

DONNA
Do you know what that is?

ERIC
(THINKS) That, is something two people do when they care for each other deeply. And are alone together, say, in the guy’s basement.

DONNA
Wow. Well, we’re alone, maybe we should do that.

ERIC
Okay. (BEAT) You start.

DONNA
You don’t know what it is either.

ERIC
No idea.

DONNA
You’re Mom knows what it is, but she wouldn’t tell me.

ERIC
(THINKS) Okay, there’s something that will haunt me until I die.

CUT TO:
EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS (DAY 1)
(Kelso, Hyde, Fez)

HYDE, KELSO AND FEZ ARE LEANING ON KELSO’S VAN.

KELSO
Guys, This night is gonna make me so famous!

HYDE
Yeah, you’ll go down in Pointe Place history as the stupid teenager Red Forman killed for boinking his daughter in his house.

KELSO
Think about it! Me and Laurie upstairs, Jackie downstairs, and Red patrolling the halls. This is just like “Mission: Impossible”.

FEZ
A very sexy “Mission: Impossible”.

HYDE
Look Kelso, Here’s the way I see things. If we were the Beatles,
Forman would be Paul, I’d be John, Fez would be George, and you’re Ringo.

HYDE (CONT’D)
Get it? Ringo! Ringos never pull off stuff like this.

KELSO
Dude, I’m not Ringo! Fez Is Ringo!

FEZ
Oh, I am so not Ringo!

KELSO
Oh, maybe you’re right Hyde. If I get caught, I’m dead.
THEY STAND SILENTLY FOR A BEAT. FEZ TURNS TO KELSO.

FEZ
I believe in you Kelso.

KELSO
Really, Fez?

FEZ
Yes. Go for it. Make me proud. Then again, I’ve always been proud of you big guy.

KELSO
Oh, I’m going for it!

KELSO BOLTS INTO THE HOUSE. HYDE AND FEZ EXCHANGE A LOOK THEN START LAUGHING.

HYDE
Make me proud? Good one Fez!

FEZ
Seriously, why can’t I be Paul? We all know I’m the cute one.

CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS (DAY 1)
RED IS SEATED AT THE TABLE READING THE PAPER.

MUSIC CUE: “MISSION IMPOSSIBLE” THEME

KELSO ENTERS. HE DUCKS BEHIND THE KITCHEN COUNTER, CRAWLS OVER TO THE STOVE, POKES HIS HEAD UP AND LOOKS AROUND. HE TIPTOES TO THE KITCHEN DOOR. RED OBSERVES KELSO’S ACTIONS IN STUNNED SILENCE.

CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS (DAY 1)
(Jackie, Kitty, Kelso)

KITTY AND LAURIE ARE SEATED ON THE COUCH, SEWING A COSTUME FOR AQUAMAN. KELSO BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR, STOPPING DEAD IN HIS TRACKS WHEN HE SEES JACKIE AND KITTY.

JACKIE
Hi Michael. Look! I made pants for Aquaman!

KITTY
And that’s no easy task, cause he’s kinda husky. (LAUGHS) So, Michael, anything you need?

KELSO
Huh? Oh, no Mrs. Forman. There was something I needed. I mean really needed. But I guess it can wait. (MUTTERING AS HE LEAVES) But not for very much longer.

KELSO EXITS. KITTY LOOKS PUZZLED AS JACKIE SEWS AWAY HAPPILY.

CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT- CONTINUOUS (DAY 1)
ERIC IS PREPARING TO READ HIS REPORT TO DONNA.

ERIC
Okay, let me know what you think of the beginning.

DONNA
Okay.

ERIC
(READING) In the Spring of 1774...

DONNA
Wait, is that how you’re going to stand?

ERIC
What?

DONNA
I don’t know, you’re standing kind of funny.

ERIC
Yeah. Apparently I have some kind of hip ailment.

DONNA
Yeah, you’re hips are wrong.

ERIC
Really, (EVIL GRIN) what do you mean?

DONNA STANDS BEHIND ERIC AND GRABS HIS HIPS. ERIC SMILES.

DONNA
Just try to relax.

ERIC
(SIGHS)Oh yeah.

ERIC REACHES BACK AND GRABS DONNA’S HIPS.

DONNA
What are you doing?

ERIC
Oh, I’m sorry, did you want to lead?

SHE PUSHES HIM AWAY, LAUGHING. ERIC SPINS HER AROUND AND
DIPS HER. KELSO ENTERS.

KELSO
Donna, get Jackie out of here now! Go do some girl stuff. Have a slumber party! Shop!

DONNA
What are you babbling about?

KELSO
Okay, (WHISPERS) I’m not naming names, but I have to go upstairs and do it with Laurie.

ERIC
Dude!

KELSO
I know, Eric! Can I help it if she thinks I’m hot? Deal with it!

DONNA
Forget it Kelso! I’m not covering for you!

KELSO
C’mon Donna! If you were gonna cheat on Eric, I’d help you out!

DONNA
Really? Thanks!

ERIC
That is so not funny.

DONNA
Goodbye Kelso!

KELSO
Fine! When I’m too tense to give this report tomorrow and we flunk History, it’ll be your fault! See you in Summer School, Eric!

KELSO STORMS OUT.

ERIC
You were just kidding about that whole cheating thing, right?

DONNA
Eric, if I was gonna cheat on you, I wouldn’t get Kelso to cover for me.

ERIC
That's my girl.

CUT TO:

ACT TWO
SCENE F
INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM - A WHILE LATER (DAY 1)
(Kitty, Jackie, Red)

KITTY, RED AND JACKIE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. KITTY AND JACKIE ARE PUTTING THE FINISHING TOUCHES ON AQUAMAN’S COSTUME. RED IS WATCHING “SHIELDS AND YARNELL”.

KITTY
Which one is Shields?

JACKIE
I think it’s the guy.

RED
One of them is a guy?

JACKIE
Or is Yarnell, I can never tell them apart.

RED
I hate mimes. Mimes are like unfunny clowns. And clowns aren’t funny at all.

KITTY
(LAUGHING AT THE TV) That Shields, He’s the funny one.

CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS (DAY 1)
(Fez, Laurie, Hyde, Kelso)

HYDE AND FEZ ARE AT THE KITCHEN TABLE SHARING A PLATE OF PIZZA ROLLS.

FEZ
Ah, pizza rolls. Food of the Gods.

LAURIE ENTERS FROM THE DINING ROOM, CARRYING HER PURSE AND JACKET.

LAURIE
I’m outta here. Bye Fez.

FEZ
(PUZZLED) Bye.

LAURIE
(TO HYDE) Later, monkey boy.

HYDE
Good night, Sea Hag.

LAURIE EXITS.

FEZ
Oh no! Now we won’t see Kelso make an ass of himself.

HYDE
Wait for it.

KELSO ENTERS FROM THE BASEMENT.

KELSO
Okay, guys. This is it.

HE PEEKS INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

KELSO (CONT’D)
I’m gonna sneak through the dining room and up the stairs, so Jackie doesn’t catch me. Then it’s me and Laurie, baby! I’m not Ringo!

KELSO EXITS TROUGH THE DINING ROOM. FEZ TURNS TO HYDE.

FEZ
He is such a Ringo.

CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS (DAY 1)
(Kitty, Jackie, Red, Kelso)

MUSIC CUE: “MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE THEME”

KELSO PEEKS IN FROM THE DINING ROOM. HE GLANCES UP THE STAIRS, THEN AT KITTY, RED, AND JACKIE, THEN BEHIND HIM. SLOWLY HE INCHES UP THE STAIRS.

KITTY
(HANDS JACKIE THE DOLL)Okay Jackie, he’s all done.

JACKIE
Oh, thank you Mrs. Forman! I can’t wait to show Michael.

RED
I’m going to read upstairs.

JACKIE JUMPS UP AND EXITS. RED GETS UP. KELSO PANICS AND VAULTS OVER THE RAILING, LANDING BEHIND THE COUCH. RED EXITS UP THE STAIRS. KITTY JUMPS AS KELSO POPS UP FROM BEHIND THE COUCH. HE IS IN GREAT PAIN.

KITTY
Michael! You scared me! What were you doing down there?

KELSO
Oh, hey Mr. Forman. I just came in here to (THINKS) look for my pencil. Turns out it was in my pocket all the time!

HE STIFLES A SCREAM AS HE PULLS A PENCIL FROM HIS FRONT POCKET.

CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT- CONTINUOUS (DAY 1)
(Fez, Donna, Hyde, Eric, Jackie)

ERIC AND HYDE ARE WATCHING TV. DONNA IS READING HYDE’S ESSAY. FEZ IS HOLDING HIS REPORT, EYEING DONNA.

FEZ
So Donna, would you like me to read my report?

DONNA
Sure Fez. What’s it about?

FEZ
Oh, this and that. You’ll learn a lot. I know I will.

DONNA FINISHES READING HYDE’S ESSAY.

DONNA
Wow! Hyde, where do you come up with this stuff?

HYDE
Books.

DONNA
Books?

HYDE
(FIRMLY) Books.

ERIC
What kind of books?

HYDE
Comic books! Must I give away all of my secrets?

JACKIE ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS.

JACKIE
(HOLDING UP THE DOLL) Ta-da! Aquaman is now George Washington!

JACKIE SITS NEXT TO FEZ.

JACKIE (CONT’D)
I’m so proud of myself today! First I cooked something, then I learned to sew!

ERIC
Yeah, those potato chips were top notch. Could my Mom have the recipe?

JACKIE
Wait, where’s Michael?

ERIC
Michael. (BEAT) Michael who?

HYDE
Forman you big silly, she means Kelso! Jackie, the last time we saw Kelso, he said he had someone to do upstairs.

DONNA
Hyde!

HYDE
Some thing to do upstairs.

DONNA
Eric... (ELBOWS ERIC)

ERIC
Ow! What?

DONNA
You’d better go upstairs and see how Kelso is doing with that thing.

HYDE
Yeah Forman, go check on the thing.

ERIC LOOKS BLANKLY AT DONNA. DONNA DIGS HER ELBOW INTO ERIC’S THIGH.

ERIC
Ow! (GETS UP) What do you do, sharpen those at night?

ERIC HEADS FOR THE STAIRS.

HYDE
Hey Forman, while you’re upstairs, get me a Cherry Pop.

ERIC
Yeah, get bent.

ERIC EXITS. JACKIE PROUDLY SHOWS THE AQUAMAN DOLL TO FEZ.

JACKIE
Isn’t he great Fez? I can’t believe I made all of this. It just goes to show you what can happen if you put your mind to it.

FEZ
(EYES JACKIE, THEN) If I don’t read my report right now, I’m going to start kicking some serious ass!

HYDE
Fez! Heel!

DONNA
C’mon Hyde, let Fez read his report.

HYDE
Okay Fez, go for it. (GETS UP) I’m going for more pizza rolls.

FEZ
Oh, stay Hyde. (EYES HIM) The more the merrier.

HYDE
Weirdo!

HYDE EXITS. FEZ STANDS BEFORE DONNA AND JACKIE.

FEZ
Now, before we begin, Donna, could you sit next to Jackie? It helps me (THINKS) visualize my audience.

DONNA MOVES NEXT TO JACKIE.

FEZ (CONT’D)
(EVIL GRIN) Excellent. Now ladies, get ready to learn.

CUT TO:
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS (DAY 1)
(Kelso, Red)

MUSIC CUE: “MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME”

KELSO APPEARS AT THE END OF THE HALL. HE GLANCES IN ALL DIRECTIONS, THEN DROPS TO HIS BELLY. HE CRAWLS COMMANDO STYLE DOWN THE HALL TO LAURIE’S ROOM. HE STANDS UP, AND COMES FACE TO FACE WITH RED.

KELSO
Oh! Hey Mr. Forman.

RED
Kelso.

KELSO
So, what’s new?

RED
Oh, same old, same old. And you?

KELSO
Oh, nothing much.

RED
That’s good. Listen Kelso, I’m really tired, so I’m going to bed. What do you say you come over after school tomorrow so I can kick your ass then?

KELSO
Is three-thirty good for you?

RED
I’ll see you then.

CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS (DAY 1)
(Hyde, Eric, Kelso, Laurie, Jackie, Donna, Fez)

ERIC AND HYDE ARE AT THE KITCHEN TABLE, FINISHING THE LAST OF THE PIZZA ROLLS. HYDE IS READING THE COSMO “LOVE TEST”.

HYDE
Let’s see according to this survey, I am (READS) “An ideal lover who’s passion knows no bounds. You are warm, giving, and perfectly in tune with your partners needs.” Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.

ERIC
Hey, what did you answer for number 17?

HYDE
Lets see. (TURNS A PAGE) “All the time.” Why?

ERIC
Oh, nothing. Wow, all the time, huh? Wow. I put down some of the time. I mean Donna and I love to do that, she is such a big fan, but all the time? Wow! Who has time for that?

HYDE
You don’t know what it is!

ERIC
Damn it Hyde, tell me!

HYDE LAUGHS. KELSO ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM.

KELSO
Eric, where do you keep your ladders?

ERIC
Garage.

HYDE
Kelso, just give it up!

KELSO HEADS FOR THE GARAGE.

KELSO
No way man! I’m too close to this one, and I'm not going to give up now!

LAURIE ENTERS. KELSO ALMOST WALKS RIGHT BY HER.

KELSO (CONT’D)
Hey Laurie. (THEN) Laurie!

LAURIE
Oh, hey Kelso. Well, I'm going to bed.

KELSO
Laurie! I thought we were..

LAURIE
I have a headache.

LAURIE EXITS. KELSO FOLLOWS HER, RUNNING INTO JACKIE AND DONNA ENTERING FROM THE BASEMENT.

JACKIE
Michael, take me home.

KELSO
(TURNING AROUND) Okay.

JACKIE
Good night, guys.

ERIC
‘Night, Jackie.

HYDE
Good night, Ringo.

KELSO SLAPS HYDE ON THE HEAD. JACKIE AND KELSO EXIT.

DONNA
I’m gonna go too. Good luck tomorrow. You’re gonna need it.

ERIC HANDS HER THE COPY OF “COSMO”.

ERIC
Oh, by the way, I took the love quiz, and I got an almost perfect score.

DONNA
Really? Did you figure out question 17?

ERIC
No.

DONNA
Library, first period, medical dictionaries!

ERIC
Baby, you’re the greatest!

THEY KISS. DONNA EXITS.

HYDE
So Forman, how do you think we’ll do tomorrow?

ERIC
Oh, pretty good, I guess.

FEZ ENTERS FROM THE BASEMENT. HIS CLOTHES ARE DISHEVELED. HE HAS A HUGE GRIN ON HIS FACE.

FEZ
Anybody got a cigarette?

ERIC
(TO HYDE) Yeah, we’re dead.

FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO

CREDIT WINDOW

FADE IN:
INT. CLASSROOM - THE NEXT DAY (DAY 2)
(Kelso)

KELSO IS STANDING AT A PODIUM ADDRESSING THE CLASS. HE IS HOLDING THE AQUAMAN DOLL.

KELSO
Why would she say she was upstairs when she wasn’t? Women! I bet George Washington never had this kind of trouble with his wife Betsy!

CUT TO:

FEZ IS AT THE PODIUM. HE IS WEARING A SMOKING JACKET.

FEZ
(LOOKING AROUND, LEERING) It is so nice to see so many beautiful ladies here today...

CUT TO:

HYDE IS AT THE PODIUM.

HYDE
(YELLING) And when we finally rise up and shed the shackles of oppression my brothers and sisters, then and only then will we be free!

TWO TEACHERS GRAB HYDE AND DRAG HIM AWAY. ERIC APPROACHES THE PODIUM. HYDE CAN STILL BE HEARD YELLING AS ERIC SPEAKS.

ERIC
Thank you Steven. Well, it looks like we’re out of time, so I guess I’ll give my report next year when I repeat this grade.

FADE OUT.
END OF SHOW

[TJL]

Originally posted by dlemond
Nice job.

Better than most of last season, you've got the nuances and the feel captured and consistent. And that is not such an easy task to be consistent and funny at the same time. You actually give dialogue that you can imagine the actors working to its comic potential.

Thanks. That's what I was going for.

[The Modfather]

Great story! I love it!!!