A brief M*A*S*H script - Sitcoms Online Message Boards

TJL · 08-01-2003, 10:48 PM

Hey kids. I was rumaging through some files here on my desk when I came across a few pages of a M*A*S*H script I was playing around with a few months ago. It's just a few pages...

From what I remember, the story is about Hawkeye, Trapper and Klinger finding a stash of money while playing golf near the camp. While deciding what to do with the loot, they discover Colonel Flagg has arrived at the 4077th, floowing some leads in a counterfeit money ring he's trying to smash. Hawkeye and Trapper try to dispose of the phony money, but Klinger has already started spreading it around camp!

Anyhoo, here's a page or two...

EXT. CHOPPER PAD -DAY
Hawkeye and Trapper, dressed in their best golf attire, approach the tee box, which is situated on the chopper pad overlooking their golf course. Corporal Klinger, dressed in his finest tennis skirt and white sweater, is carrying their bags.

HAWKEYE - Ah, another day in paradise. Someday Klinger, all this will be yours.
TRAPPER - Last chance, Hawk. I’m feeling hot today..
HAWKEYE - Not on your life pal. I rubbed my lucky charm this morning.
TRAPPER - Which one, the blonde lucky charm,or the brunette lucky charm? Okay Klinger, you know the drill.
KLINGER (PUTS DOWN THE BAGS) - Do I have to sir?
HAWKEYE - Would the lady like go back to scrubbing garbage cans behind the mess tent?
KLINGER - I’ll read the cards.
HAWKEYE - Why don’t you read the cards...

Klinger pulls some index cards from his pocket.

KLINGER (READS) - Welcome to the 35th annual 4077th Open!

Hawkeye and Trapper applaud.

KLINGER (CONT’D) - The winner of this week’s tournament will be crowned greatest golfer in the entire free world, with the exception of Outer Mongolia and parts of New Jersey. And now on the tee, from Crabapple Cove Maine, the hardest working Doctor in show business, Hawkeye Pierce!

Hawkeye bows and takes out his driver.

TRAPPER - You got a nice voice Klinger.
KLINGER - Thank you sir.
TRAPPER - Those support hose really help.
HAWKEYE - Watch and learn, Trap...

Hawkeye reels back, and blasts a perfect drive over the camp and into the field.
KLINGER - Nice shot sir.
HAWKEYE - Thanks Sis.

Trapper grabs his driver.

TRAPPER - Hit it Klinger.

Klinger holds up a card and reads.

KLINGER - Now on the tee, the Sam Snead of surgery, Trapper John McIntyre!

Trapper rips a perfect drive down the middle of their ramshackle fairway.

HAWKEYE - Nice shot Trap. I told you keeping your eyes open helps.
TRAPPER - Very funny.

Klinger picks up the bags. Hawk And Trapper head for the fairway.

HAWKEYE - Let’s go Klinger, and don’t spare the horsepower...

KLINGER - I hope you guys are good tippers...

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Radar is working at his desk. Henry Enters.

HENRY - Radar, did you finish the daily report?

RADAR - Oh, yes sir. I finished it last night.

HENRY - You finished today’s daily report last night?

RADAR - Yes sir.

HENRY - May I ask why, knowing I’m going to regret asking?

RADAR - Oh, I always find it best to finish the daily report the day before. It lets me get a jump start on the next day’s daily report which is actually tomorrow’s report, which I’m doing today.

HENRY (TRYING TO KEEP UP) - Okay. And where is today’s daily report?

RADAR - It’s been on your desk since this morning.

HENRY - I see. I wish you had given it to me last night, then I would have known what was going to happen today before I woke up this morning.

RADAR - Yes sir.

Henry goes into his office. Radar takes some folders and flies them in the filing cabinet. He turns back to his desk, and comes face to face with COLONEL FLAGG, who has seemingly appeared out of nowhere. Radar lets out a terrified yelp.

RADAR (CONT’D) - Colonel Flagg!

FLAGG - That’s right, Corporal...

MASH4evr · 08-02-2003, 01:40 AM

Keep Goin!

Gilligan Jillian · 10-19-2003, 05:22 PM

awesome script!

08-01-2003, 10:48 PM	#1
TJL Suburbanite Extrordinaire Forum Star Join Date: Dec 29, 2001 Location: New Jersey - the cradle of civilization Posts: 16,591	*A brief MASH script** Hey kids. I was rumaging through some files here on my desk when I came across a few pages of a MAS*H script I was playing around with a few months ago. It's just a few pages... From what I remember, the story is about Hawkeye, Trapper and Klinger finding a stash of money while playing golf near the camp. While deciding what to do with the loot, they discover Colonel Flagg has arrived at the 4077th, floowing some leads in a counterfeit money ring he's trying to smash. Hawkeye and Trapper try to dispose of the phony money, but Klinger has already started spreading it around camp! Anyhoo, here's a page or two... EXT. CHOPPER PAD -DAY Hawkeye and Trapper, dressed in their best golf attire, approach the tee box, which is situated on the chopper pad overlooking their golf course. Corporal Klinger, dressed in his finest tennis skirt and white sweater, is carrying their bags. HAWKEYE - Ah, another day in paradise. Someday Klinger, all this will be yours. TRAPPER - Last chance, Hawk. I’m feeling hot today.. HAWKEYE - Not on your life pal. I rubbed my lucky charm this morning. TRAPPER - Which one, the blonde lucky charm,or the brunette lucky charm? Okay Klinger, you know the drill. KLINGER (PUTS DOWN THE BAGS) - Do I have to sir? HAWKEYE - Would the lady like go back to scrubbing garbage cans behind the mess tent? KLINGER - I’ll read the cards. HAWKEYE - Why don’t you read the cards... Klinger pulls some index cards from his pocket. KLINGER (READS) - Welcome to the 35th annual 4077th Open! Hawkeye and Trapper applaud. KLINGER (CONT’D) - The winner of this week’s tournament will be crowned greatest golfer in the entire free world, with the exception of Outer Mongolia and parts of New Jersey. And now on the tee, from Crabapple Cove Maine, the hardest working Doctor in show business, Hawkeye Pierce! Hawkeye bows and takes out his driver. TRAPPER - You got a nice voice Klinger. KLINGER - Thank you sir. TRAPPER - Those support hose really help. HAWKEYE - Watch and learn, Trap... Hawkeye reels back, and blasts a perfect drive over the camp and into the field. KLINGER - Nice shot sir. HAWKEYE - Thanks Sis. Trapper grabs his driver. TRAPPER - Hit it Klinger. Klinger holds up a card and reads. KLINGER - Now on the tee, the Sam Snead of surgery, Trapper John McIntyre! Trapper rips a perfect drive down the middle of their ramshackle fairway. HAWKEYE - Nice shot Trap. I told you keeping your eyes open helps. TRAPPER - Very funny. Klinger picks up the bags. Hawk And Trapper head for the fairway. HAWKEYE - Let’s go Klinger, and don’t spare the horsepower... KLINGER - I hope you guys are good tippers... CUT TO: INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Radar is working at his desk. Henry Enters. HENRY - Radar, did you finish the daily report? RADAR - Oh, yes sir. I finished it last night. HENRY - You finished today’s daily report last night? RADAR - Yes sir. HENRY - May I ask why, knowing I’m going to regret asking? RADAR - Oh, I always find it best to finish the daily report the day before. It lets me get a jump start on the next day’s daily report which is actually tomorrow’s report, which I’m doing today. HENRY (TRYING TO KEEP UP) - Okay. And where is today’s daily report? RADAR - It’s been on your desk since this morning. HENRY - I see. I wish you had given it to me last night, then I would have known what was going to happen today before I woke up this morning. RADAR - Yes sir. Henry goes into his office. Radar takes some folders and flies them in the filing cabinet. He turns back to his desk, and comes face to face with COLONEL FLAGG, who has seemingly appeared out of nowhere. Radar lets out a terrified yelp. RADAR (CONT’D) - Colonel Flagg! FLAGG - That’s right, Corporal...

08-02-2003, 01:40 AM	#2
MASH4evr MASH RULES Occasional Poster* Join Date: Jun 25, 2003 Location: Ottumwa, Iowa Posts: 20	Keep Goin!
	__________________ Millie Deniro "I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions" Hawkeye "Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war and rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is doctors can't change rule number one." Henry Blake CARLTON: For a long time, it gave me nighmares, witnessing an injustice like that. It's a constant reminder of just how unfair this world can be. I can still hear them taunting him, Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!" I mean, WHY COULDN'T THEY JUST GIVE HIM SOME CEREAL?! -Fresh Prince of Bel-air

10-19-2003, 05:22 PM	#3
Gilligan Jillian Don't ask Occasional Poster Join Date: Jun 06, 2003 Location: St. Louis, I don't know about my mind, though Posts: 92	awesome script!
	__________________ Shutting up now, §¤ Jillian ¤§ (not recently) or •°• ی the other people ی•°• (most likely) In loving memory of my sanity. Ooo! I've got stupid stuff on Fanfiction.net started! Check it out! Bush 4 '04!!!!!! Watch it. I might be normal (gasp!).