russell crowe

[Hollow]

HAHAHAHAHAHA that is one of the funniest things i've ever seen. russell crowe and his boat tugger... hahahaha i was laffing really hard whenever his lil show came on. my brother was watching it too and whenever i started laffing he told me to shut up cuz it wasnt funny... lol... it was hilarious!!!



Russell Crowe: These are the Florida Keys, a remote island chain just a few miles from... Oi! Wait a minute! Wasn't I just in Brooklyn fightin' minorities? What happened wit that?
Tugger: Mooooot.
Russell Crowe: It's that God-damned editor! He cut the Brooklyn scene short! Tugger, I'm gonna get him!
[The editing room, moments later]
Editor: Yeah. Oh I'm just working. I'm probably done around seven. [the door flies open and Russell stomps in there]
Russell Crowe: [lifts the editor up by the collar] Who the hell do you think you are?!
Editor: I'm the editor.
Russell Crowe: I know you're the bloomin' editor! I mean, who the hell do you think you are cuttin' one of my foightin' scenes short?!
Editor: Dude, the director said to cut it.
Russell Crowe: Moy foightin' is poetry! You don't edit Russell Crowe's poetry, you testicle! [drops him, pauses, then delivers three blows to the belly]

Russell Crowe: Come on, Tugger ol' mate. Why are you lookin' so down?
Tugger: Mooot Mooot.
Russell Crowe: [whispers to the camera] Tugger's in a bit of a sad state. Seems his girlfriend and him had a bit of a row last night.
Tugger: Mooooot.
Russell Crowe: Come on. Cheer up, Tugger. How can I make you feel better? I know! [grabs a guitar offscreen and prepares to play it.] How would you like me to sing one of the songs off me new album?
Tugger: [shakes its smokestack with each protest] Nooo! Nooooo!
Russell Crowe: What's that, Tugger? You say you really love the songs on my album?
Tugger: Noooooooooo! [shakes its smokestack]
Russell Crowe: Alright then, Tugger. [begins strumming]
Tugger: Noo no. Noooooo! [shakes its smokestack]
Russell Crowe: You know that you're my babih. You know I need you now.
Tugger: [tries to escape, but can't, as it's tied to the dock] Noooooooooo! [shakes its smokestack]
Russell Crowe: I don't know when I'm goin', but I gotta get there somehow, don't you know, somehow.
Tugger: [returns and tries to rip itself away towards the right with all its might] Noooooooooo! [turns and tries to pull itself away towards the left, but can't]
Russell Crowe: We'll weather it somehow.
Tugger: [continues to struggle] Noooooooooo! [turns and tries to pull itself away towards the left, but can't]
Russell Crowe: You can stay away tonight, but I'm not...
Tugger: [returns, then takes out its arms for the first time] NOOOOO! [pulls out some giant earmuffs and places them over the cabin doors. It shakes violently as Russell lunges into a faster rhythm]
Russell Crowe: Tugger I feel your hearbeat, I know you feel my heart...
Tugger: [struggles fiercely] NOOOOO! NOOOOO! [throws its earmuffs off, reaches for a gun and places it against its smokestack and kills itself with a single gunshot. Russell stops singing]
Russell Crowe: [spins around] Tugger! [drops to the edge of the dock and looks down at the water. Tugger is on its side leaking oil] Tugger shot himself!
Announcer: [the show logo pops up] Has Russell lost Tugger for good? Find out after these messages.

Russell Crowe: You've gotta save him, Doc! Tugger! 'E's my best friend! The only friend in the world who would-
Doctor: He's going to live, but-
Russell Crowe: [lifts the doctor up by the collar] Oi! Don't you interrupt me, you vagina! I was givin' a heart-wrenchin' soliloquy about me feelin's for Tugger!
Doctor: Sorry.
Russell Crowe: [lets the doctor down and crosses the hall to the opposite wall] Oh, Tugger! Tugger, the world won't be as bright without ya, mate! Give it to me straight, doctor! Will Tugger live?! Tell me the truth!
Doctor: ...Now?
Russell Crowe: Yes, now's fine.
Doctor: Oh. Uh, your tugboat's going to be okay. He just needs an oil change and a new steamstack.
Russell Crowe: [quickly brightens and approaches the camera] Ooo, delolly! D'you hear that, everybody?! Tugger's gonna be okay! D'you know what that makes me feel like doin'? Fightin'! [turns around and punches the doctor out, then punches a man on crutches out, lifts him up again, and punches him out again.]

Russell Crowe: But you know, Tugger's attempted suicide made me realize that I should take up a cause. Most great actors take up causes, and I'm the greatest of them all! So, from now on i'm goona spend all my spare time ...fighting cancer. [gets into a fighting stance] Right! Where is that ***** cancer anyway?!

Russell Crowe: Well, we couldn't fight cancer, but we found a man with cancer. [he walks off and pulls in an old frail man with cancer, then delivers a blow] Take that, cancer! And that! [punches the old man again]
Tugger: Mooot Mooot! [Russell punches the old man behind the head and sends him to the floor]