Leave It to Beaver Hotline (a fanfic...sorta)

[BBF]

Ok, anyone who reads this...This is NOT the way I feel about the people I mention in this piece. It was written all in fun.

Sarah and I were talking via Instant Messenger earlier and Sarah said "Wouldn't it be funny if they had a hotline for people addicted to Leave It to Beaver?" We then proceeded to creat things you might hear if one of these hotlines actually existed. We thought we would share them with you, fellow addicts like ourselves. Enjoy.

The following is the greeting you would hear when you dialed the hotline.
"Thank you for calling the "I'm Addicted to Leave It to Beaver" hotline. Our goal here at the "I'm Addicted to Leave It to Beaver" hotline is to help you get through your problem, and to connect you to people who have recently won the battle with Leave It to Beaver addiction. In other words, connect you with people who have been there, done that, and got the t-shirt. The following is a menu of numbers you can press to meet your specific needs:
If you are addicted Ward Cleaver, Hugh Beaumont, or both - Press one.
If you are addicted to June Cleaver, Barbara Billingsley, or both - press two.
If you are addicted to Wally Cleaver, Tony Dow, or both - press three.
If you are addicted to Beaver Cleaver, Jerry Mathers, or both - press four.
If you are addicted to one or more of the boys' friends - press 5.
If you are addicted to Fred Rutherford, Richard Deacon, or both - Press nine.
Press pound for information on ordering your "I overcame my Leave It to Beaver addiction and I owe it all to the I'm addicted to Leave It to Beaver hotline!" t-shirt. Have your credit card ready. Note: You must be eighteen or older to order."

*beep*
"You have pressed one, meaning you feel you are either addicted to the character, Ward Cleaver, the actor, Hugh Beaumont, or both. To speak to a real person, press one. To leave an annonymous message because you're too ashamed to tell anyone who you are, press two. To hear an inspirational recording from someone who has overcome their addiction press three. If this is not where you were trying to go, press star to return to the main menu.
*beep*
You have pressed three. The following is an inspirational recording. "Hello. My name is Gloria Fink and I, like you, was once addicted to both Hugh Beaumont and the character he portrayed. About six months ago, you would find me plastered to the TV set at eleven thirty in the morning and at six, six thirty and ten thirty every night. The reason? Leave It to Beaver was on. That's right. I felt somehow incomplete if I missed an episode. But now, I'm a new woman and I owe it all to this hotline. The person I spoke to told me not to worry about this. It was a harmless thing really. I mean, now Leave It to Beaver doesn't even come on twice in the afternoon anymore. But that's ok! Thanks to this hotline, I can deal with it! So, if watching that handsome hunk of man Hugh beaumont on your 19 inch TV makes you happy-by all means, continue! If other women can be addicted to someone like George Clooney, then there's no reason why you can't be smitten with Hugh Beaumont! Good luck on your road to recovery!"
*beep*
"You have pressed two, meaning you feel you are either addicted to the character, June Cleaver, the actress, Barbara Billingsley, or both. To speak to a real person, press one. To leave an annonymous message because you're too ashamed to tell anyone who you are, press two. To hear an inspirational recording from someone who has overcome their addiction press three. If this is not where you were trying to go, press star to return to the main menu.
*beep*
You have pressed three. The following is an inspirational recording. "Hi, I'm Frank Bank. You may recognize me from my role as Lumpy Rutherford. They asked me to record a brief message of hope for people suffering from an addiction to Barbara Billingsley (or June Cleaver if it be the case). I too was a Barbara addict. I mean geez! What's not to like? She's sophisticated, genuinely nice, and even more than that she's gorgeous. Anyone who denies that needs a German Shepherd! During my time working on Leave It to Beaver, I got to spend a lot if time with the magnificent Barbara Billingsley. She was so nice and understanding-something I wasn't used to at home. She was like a mom to the entire six years. After the show ended, I found myself feeling empty. I finally realized it was from not seeing the woman I had come to know as my second mom everyday. So...I started compulsively watching reruns of the show. EVERYDAY. My wife then told me I was addicted so I called this hotline and they set me on the road to recovery. Good luck to you. If this is not exactly your problem, press two for another recorded message.
*beep*
You have pressed two, meaning Frank's problem doesn't exactly correspond with your own. I'm Linda and I am a hotline volunteer. Do you watch Leave It to Beaver every time it's on? Do you tape the episodes you miss, or even worse, tape the episodes as you watch them? Do you feel like something's missing if you miss an episode or forget to tape it? Did you create your own fan site dedicated totally to barbara billingsley? Do you take pictures of your TV with a digital camera so you will have awesome pics to add to your site? Do you write stories or scripts about LITB? Do you dress up as one of the characters for Halloween? If you answered yes to these questions, I have one thing to say. Your addiction is beyond help and it'll probably never go away. In fact if the truth be known, you're probably Sarah or Brittany, those two girls who got together and started a fan site, fan club and even a message board totally about Barbara Billingsley. It's ok though! I mean, at least yoiu aren't addictd to drugs or something! Thanks for calling!"
*beep*
"You have pressed three, meaning you feel you are either addicted to the character, Wally Cleaver, the actor, Tony Dow, or both. To speak to a real person, press one. To leave an annonymous message because you're too ashamed to tell anyone who you are, press two. To hear an inspirational recording from someone who has overcome their addiction press three. If this is not where you were trying to go, press star to return to the main menu.
*beep*
You have pressed three. The following is an inspirational recording. So you're addicted to Tony Dow, aka Wally Cleaver. You don't need a hotline or an inspirational message! Geez! The boy's hot! What girl isn't addicted? I'm sorry you wasted the five dollar and ninety five cent a minute fee only to hear this. Have a nice day anyway!"
*beep*
"You have pressed four, meaning you feel you are either addicted to the character, Beaver Cleaver, the actor, Jerry Mathers, or both. To speak to a real person, press one. To leave an annonymous message because you're too ashamed to tell anyone who you are, press two. To hear an inspirational recording from someone who has overcome their addiction press three. If this is not where you were trying to go, press star to return to the main menu.
*beep*
You have pressed three. The following is an inspirational recording. Hi. I'm Jerry Mathers and I have diabetes...Oh wait...Wrong message...sorry...Ok...Hi. I'm Jerry Mathers, but you probably know me better as Beaver Cleaver. You're probably thinking "Jerry Mathers? Wasn't he killed in 'Nam?" Well, the truth is NO. I am not now, nor have I ever been dead. It was all a rumor. So don't think you're crazy, this isn't a ghost that's speaking to you. You're probably also wondering why in the world I'm doing an inspirational message meant for people who are addicted to me. Well let me start by putting your mind at ease...I was never addicted to myself. No...the fact is that's not my problem at all. The truth be known, my only problem is a deep stemming jealousy of Tony Dow for always being the "hot one" on the show. The "teen idol" if you will. Boy did I get jipped. Tony was always stealing the scenes and acting like he was such a good guy. The show was called Leave It to BEAVER, yet Tony got all the fan mail. I mean, if Joe Connelly and Bob Mosher wanted him to be the star, they would have called the show Leave it to Wally...but they didn't...so...Well anyway, the real reason I'm doing this is because they couldn't find anyone who had ever been addicted to me so they asked me if I would be willing to do it. At first I said no, but then they offered me all the sugar free Jenny Craig brand Ice CreamI could eat and I couldn't refuse. So, if you're addicted to me, take comfort in the fact that you're unique. Why am I unique you ask? Well, have you ever met anyone else who was addicted to me? Good luck in your recovery."
*beep*
"You have pressed five, meaning you feel you are addicted to one or more of Wally or the Beav's friends and probably fantasize about marrying them. If Eddie Haskell's your sweet tooth, press one. If it's Lumpy or Larry you crave, press two. If you Dig Gilbert Bates, press three. So you like Whitey? Press four. If this is not where you were trying to go, press star to return to the main menu.
*beep*
You have pressed one meaning you have the hots for Eddie. Well, be comforted in the fact that more people have a crush on Eddie Haskell than any other of the friends. I regret to inform you that he's been happily married for years so you don't stand a chance, but at least you can see him on TV everyday!
*beep*
You have pressed two meaning you melt at the very thought of Lumpy Rutherford or Larry Mondello. You cant get over how cute their pudgy physiques are. Well, your chances of ever getting to hook up with one of these ample hunks of man are very, very slim. So try to think of it this way. "If I ever married them, they'd eat all my food and I'd starve to death." No one wants to starve to death. So see there? It's actually a blessing you have no chance!
*beep*
You have pressed three meaning it's Gilbert you dig. Well, he's into making documentaries now. In fact he won an award for one of his documentaries. You will probably never snag Stephen Talbot, to be perfectly honest. But if it makes you feel any better, he's arrogant anyway. He resents the fact he was ever on the show-something he made quite evident in a recent article. He's also obviously square. I mean look at the facts. He makes documentaries for crying out loud! And if that's still not enough to dissuade you, how about that accent? After about two days you'd be sick of it. So really its a good thing you dont stand a chance!
*beep*
You have pressed four, meaning you cant get that toe headed Whitey out of your mind. Well, he is a cutie pie, if I do say so myself. Unforutuantely you can't have him, so dream on. Try to look at it it this way. He's so little! I mean does the fact that he never grew throughout the entire six year run of Leave It to Beaver not bother you? I mean he looked exactly the same in the last season as he did in the first! I know...That's the whole reason you like him. Sorry I couldnt help."
*beep*
"You have pressed nine meaning you are addicted to Fred Rutherford, Richard Deacon, or both. There are no touch tone options here, only a brief recorded message.
So. You're addicted to Fred Rutherford. I only have one question...WHY? If you are addicted to Fred Rutherford, hang up now and call your therapist. If you don't have a therapist-FIND ONE. No one should have to go through life with these feelings. There is nothing on this hotline that can help you. Good luck. Note: Make sure your insurance covers the therapist you choose! Thanks for calling."
-The End-
NOTE: This was in no way meant to offend anyone. The inspirational messages in this piece are strictly fictional. The views expressed in these messages are not the actual feelings of the people mentioned. Just something out of the head of a crazy person. Jerry Mathers and Frank Bank were not involved in the creation of this piece. The views expressed in this piece are not the views of the author-this piece was written strictly to entertain.

DISCLAIMER: There is no hotline of this nature available at the present time. Nor is there a "I'm Addicted To Leave It To Beaver Hotline" t-shirt available for purchase. These were written solely to enhance the comedic quality of the piece. Thank you.

[FOL85NatandMrsGRock]

Brit, 3 words!

I LOVE YOU!!!

HAHAH! I mean, this is TOTOALLY us! (at least in the barbara part) and there should be a hotline! Haha!! TOOO TOOO FUNNY!!!

From the Message:
"Do you watch Leave It to Beaver every time it's on? Do you tape the episodes you miss, or even worse, tape the episodes as you watch them? Do you feel like something's missing if you miss an episode or forget to tape it? Did you create your own fan site dedicated totally to barbara billingsley? Do you take pictures of your TV with a digital camera so you will have awesome pics to add to your site? Do you write stories or scripts about LITB? Do you dress up as one of the characters for Halloween? If you answered yes to these questions, I have one thing to say. Your addiction is beyond help and it'll probably never go away. In fact if the truth be known, you're probably Sarah or Brittany, those two girls who got together and started a fan site, fan club and even a message board totally about Barbara Billingsley. It's ok though! I mean, at least yoiu aren't addictd to drugs or something!"

HAHAHA!!!!!!!! SOOOOOO TRUE!! I did dress up at beav and june for halloween with my friend jess!!! haha!! OMG!! you're hilarious!!!

From the Message:
"You don't need a hotline or an inspirational message! Geez! The boy's hot! What girl isn't addicted? I'm sorry you wasted the five dollar and ninety five cent a minute fee only to hear this. Have a nice day anyway!"

Want proof? Here's my backpack! And you're right, there is no need to call if you are addicted to wally!

You Rock Brit!!

[HaskellGirl]

That's so hilarious you guys!!! LOL!!!!

[BBF]

Originally posted by HaskellGirl
That's so hilarious you guys!!! LOL!!!!

Thanks. Sarah and I had a lot of fun with it. We both came up with the general stuff, but then she had to go and I "beefed" it up a little. Glad you liked it.