8.8 The Return of Dr. Newhouse 1-13-03

[BeatleMoe]

Scene opens at Sugarbaker's...
ETIENNE: Mrs. Clifton seems so agitated at me.
MARY JO: Well, not to offend you Etienne, but she's been agitated at you for over a year now.
ETIENNE: I just don't understand.
ANTHONY: Oh, honey, don't mind Bernice. She kind of grows on you after a while.
ETIENNE: Well, I am quite find of her, but she just doesn't like me.
JULIA: Well, we will all have a talk with her sometime.
MARY JO: Where's Carlene?
JULIA: Well, today was her first day back at school. She's taking on quite a load. Chemistry, advanced psychology, calculus. I don't know who she's trying to impress here.
MARY JO: Well, we are all fond of Carlene, just like everybody else is, but she doesn't have to impress us.
SUZANNE: Well, I beg to differ. She's from Hickville, USA, she has plenty of work to do to impress me.
JULIA: Suzanne, I am getting a little sick of you putting Carlene down like that.
SUZANNE: Oh Julia, lighten up! I like Charlene's little sister just fine! She just doesn't impress me!
MARY JO: Well, that just makes sense, doesn't it?
ETIENNE: Mrs. Clifton's coming down the stairs.
JULIA: Good morning Bernice.
BERNICE: Ah, good morning, dear. I had a restful sleep.
ETIENNE: Good morning Mrs. Clifton.
BERNICE: Well, that's always a sight in the morning. A dancing hooker from Las Vegas.
ANTHONY: Bernice, that's my wife.
BERNICE: Back off, Stuff. It's not a good idea to tango with me the first thing in a morning.
ANTHONY: Well, just keep that in mind that...
BERNICE: Black Man/Black Man/where did you...
ANTHONY: Forget it Bernice.
CARLENE: Hey, y'all.
ANTHONY: Hey Carlene, how was school?
CARLENE: Oh, Anthony, it was great. I just hit it off with my psychology teacher. I am going to like that class.
MARY JO: What's your professor like?
CARLENE: Well, Dr. Newhouse is just a great guy. He and I are going out to dinner tonight.
SUZANNE: Did you say Dr. Newhouse?
CARLENE: Yes why?
SUZANNE: Nothing.
CARLENE: Well, I have to head back to school. I have my calculus class. See ya.
MARY JO: What was that about, Suzanne?
SUZANNE: Don't you remember that nerdy little pervert that was having sexual experiments when Charlene was in his class?
JULIA: Suzanne, it surprises me that you remember that far back. You generally can't remember what happened five minutes ago.
SUZANNE: Oh, Julia, I don't ever forget a man.
MARY JO: Well, I think we should do something. That day that Charlene told him off and invited him to lunch with me and Suzanne, he kept licking his lips at me and asked me to be an experiment.
SUZANNE: Too bad you got turned down cause your boobs were small.
JULIA: Suzanne!
MARY JO: And if I am correct, you experimented with him.
To be continued...

[BeatleMoe]

JULIA: Well, Mary Jo, you and Suzanne had lunch with him after all, why don't you stop Carlene for going out with him?
MARY JO: Well, maybe Carlene's smarter than that to go out with her professor.
SUZANNE: Oh please! Carlene thinks "The Mole" is show about pesky critters in the cornfield! That's what all those hilbillies think!
JULIA: Suzanne! Quit dogging her!
ETIENNE: You know, I think as Carlene's friends, you should go with her on that date.
ANTHONY: That would be wrong.
ETIENNE: Baby, I don't mean tag along. I mean that they should go there and spy on her. You are going to need bait.
BERNICE: Okay, I'll be bait because I love Carlene like a daughter. I figured that I don't mind a sex-crazed maniac to take his frustrations out on me.
Scene changes to the next day.
CARLENE: Well, Dr. Newhouse, I can't wait to go out to dinner tonight.
DR. NEWHOUSE: (this is not the doctor that we saw in A CLASS ACT, but a rather attractive man who believes that Carlene is bright) Well, it's my pleasure, Mrs. Dobber.
CARLENE: On the contrary, that's Ms. Dobber. I am no longer Mrs. Dwayne Dobber. Did that sound smart to you?
DR. NEWHOUSE: Did what sound smart, Ms. Dobber?
CARLENE: That phrase, "on the contrary?" I have always wanted to use that expression, and I finally got to because it sounded right.
DR. NEWHOUSE: It sounded fine, Ms. Dobber.
CARLENE: Call me Carlene.
DR. NEWHOUSE: Okay, but you can call me Rob.
CARLENE: Okay Rob. That's a nice name. Of course, I hope that your middle intitial isn't "A" because it would sound weird if your name was Rob A. Newhouse. (both laugh)
DR. NEWHOUSE: You know, Carlene, I have never met a girl that makes me laugh like you do.
CARLENE: You make me feel good, too Rob.
DR. NEWHOUSE: Let's go to dinner.
Scene transitions to the restaurant, where Bernice, Mary Jo, Anthony and Suzanne are awaiting Carlene. Carlene is sitting at the table, waiting for Rob, who is in the bathroom.
SUZANNE: Okay, she's sitting alone.
MARY JO: Gosh, I can't wait to see this twerp again after all these years.
BERNICE: Well, bring him out. I haven't been seduced lately.
Scene transitions to Sugarbaker's...
JULIA: Well, I can't believe that you talked them into going to follow Carlene.
ETIENNE: Look, they are just trying to save her from a sex fiend. I know those types. I've dated them.
(the door opens, and in pops Elliot Newhouse.)
ELLIOT: Uh, Mrs. Sugarbaker?
JULIA: Dr. Newhouse? Shouldn't you be out with Carlene?
ELLIOT: Whose Carlene?
JULIA: You short, bald headed pervert, what are you doing here?
ELLIOT: I'm here to see if you could redecorate my house.
JULIA: Well, sure, but you need to come back tomorrow during regular business hours.
ELLIOT: Okay, thank you. (exits)
ETIENNE: That's Dr. Newhouse?
JULIA: I think so. But if he's not out with Carlene, then I think I know five people who are about to be humiliated tonight. Come on. I'll grab the nerd on the way out.
To be concluded...

[BeatleMoe]

MARY JO: We need to have a plan going on here.
BERNICE: Well, I could pop out of the plants and pounce the professor as he walks through the door.
SUZANNE: Shut up, Bernice! My goodness, you have the dumbest ideas!
MARY JO: Well I think as soon as he walks in that door, Anthony should go up to him and show him what he's made of.
ANTHONY: Uh, I think I have been made into a woman after working with you all.
SUZANNE: That's a perfect plan, Mary Jo. The black man in the bushes! Might as well set him up for a Larry King incident in here.
ANTHONY: That's Rodney King Suzanne, and that wouldn't happen anyway.
BERNICE: Well, I personally like my idea better.
SUZANNE: Anthony, take her out to the car! She's such a distraction. This is up to you and me, Mary Jo. Now, you hold onto the phone, while I sit at Carlene's table.
MARY JO: This is so ridiculous.
(Suzanne sits at the table, when Rob Newhouse walks in the door)
SUZANNE: (to herself) Oh my gosh, look at that gorgeous man. (shouts) Hey you!
ROB: Me?
SUZANNE: Sit down here and buy me a drink. (she turns to the plants, where Mary Jo shoots her a very preturbed look)
ROB: I am sorry that I can't join you, Miss...
SUZANNE: Sugarbaker. Suzanne Sugarbaker. Just have one drink with me.
ROB: I don't think s--(Suzanne yanks his arm, to where he falls into the seat)
MARY JOphone rings) Hello...Julia!? What is it?
JULIA: I am calling to let you know that the Dr. Newhouse that you and Suzanne perceived to be is sitting in my Buick on our way over here.
MARY JO: Really.
JULIA: I am just calling to tell you to back out of your mission and not make to make donkeys out of yourselves.
MARY JO: Well, Suzanne is sitting at Carlene's table flattering some young guy. Here comes Carlene.
SUZANNE: Well, hello Carlene!
CARLENE: Suzanne, what are you doing?
SUZANNE: I am sitting here having a drink with this nice young man. I thought that it would be nice to double date. Where's Dr. Newhouse?
CARLENE: He's sitting next to you!
(Suzanne's expression changes)SUZANNE: That can't be. Dr. Newhouse is this bald little pervert that tried to have sex with your sister!
CARLENE: You're talking about Elliot! I knew not to sign up for his course!
ROB: Are we ready to order?
MARY JO: Too late, Julia. Suzanne has officially made a jack-ass of herself.
Scene transitions to Sugarbaker's.
CARLENE: Look, y'all, I love you guys to death, but you have to learn to trust me once in a while.
MARY JO: I know, Carlene, we just got so confused.
SUZANNE: I can't believe that little pervert got hot!
ANTHONY: Well, Bernice was so aroused, she started lifting her skirt up outside and flagging taxis for a freebie.
BERNICE: Listen, Stuff. I was ready for my Mojo to clock in for work.
CARLENE: I swear, this is such a crazy place.
ELLIOT: (enters) Uh, Mrs. Sugarbaker?
JULIA: Yes, Dr. Newhouse?
ELLIOT: I was wondering if we could schedule the appointment.
BERNICE: That's Dr. Newhouse?
ELLIOT: Correct, Miss.
BERNICE: Oh, you're cute! Come on, and butter me up, because I am one hot mama!
End