Ignore this post

[I Dream of Jeannie]

"As soon as I fell into his arms, it was as if I’d never gone away.” Dee about J&M's reunion 91




Okay, Dee is doing a Q&A....She gets a card that says "Is Drake a good kisser?"To which she responds. "Oh, is Victoria here?"

DH and DH. Are they really THAT good??

Since the day they were paired, for me, I knew they were meant to be togther. I didn't care who the heck Drake played, and was willing to forgive Stefano of his sins if Drake was playing him, as was Marlena. Over the years I have seen them together, apart (more than a decade) and finally together again. Their characters have done some stupid things in the name of plot, yet no matter what, the DH's always manage to convince us to keep watching them. Little scenes like Monday, when Marlena touched John in that *mystery* spot off-camera, and Drake looked as if he on the verge of ecstatic nirvana. These two have ALWAYS done things like this, even when the storyline sucks. (like now) Are they just THAT good? I *know* this kinda stuff isn't in the script. I swear, I will get laid into for this, but Drake and Dee seem to not be acting at times, and that's that little something that makes them so unique. Maybe that's why at times I feel like I am intruding on something that's very private. THAT's that little something that seems to transcend the traditional boundaries of what is called *chemistry* and puts them in a class all their own. Luke and Laura had chemistry. John and Marlena have something as yet undefinable, something that makes a word like *chemistry* seem cliche, and unfitting. When the Dh's are on-screen, doing scenes like Monday's, I feel like I am seeing something I shouldn't, yet when they share those kinds of scenes I am transfixed to the screen. Is it any wonder so many newbies have come to message boards posting that "Dee and Drake are having an affair?" Naw.. They're just *that* good, but sometimes, even *I* am left wondering.

So, yes they really are THAT good.

[I Dream of Jeannie]

HOME:

I don't know how I got here, I really don't. Someone told me, not long ago that life is simply a series of decisions. You have the choice to say either yes or no to any one of those decisions. So some how, in some way, I chose to be here. To walk away from everything I knew....



It all seems so long ago now. Faded. The memories.... well, they lie in a dusty shoebox that I've stored at the back of my mind. It's easier that way. Sometimes I get them out and dust them off... but mostly they simply lie, dormant and undisturbed.



This is a nice town. The people are nice, polite... distant. Or maybe the distance is my own. Knowing people, loving them.... it's too hard now. The risk that someone will crack the husk and see the emptiness inside terrifies me.



I've been out on dates. Well-meaning acquaintances trying to put a smile on my face. They are always... nice. Always dinner, dancing, a good bottle of wine... and goodbye at the door. If they ask me of my past? I only smile and change the subject. The memories have faded, but somehow the pain hasn't. I still find myself waking in the middle of the night, aching simply to see him, to see my children. It's been four long years and I miss them all like it was yesterday.





Of all the questions I've ever asked, and believe me, there've been plenty, only one remains. Is she happy?



Our daughter seems to think she is, but I have this feeling..... I just want her to be happy. God, that's such a lie. I just want her. But if I can't have her, then I want her to be happy. She deserves that, after everything she has suffered.



I guess I've accepted that she will never come back. The first two years were the hardest, always wanting, hoping that she would walk through that door. I kept waiting for it to get easier, but it never did. It was just... different. It's an ache, like a hole that can only be filled by her. But I know now it'll always be empty. That's my punishment for what I did to her. For breaking her. For driving her away.



She's like brilliant sunshine in my world with her gentleness and her bubbling laughter. And without her, everyday is overcast and grey. I want her back, but I have no right to ask her. I tried that once before, and it was a disaster. I won't put her through that again.





He came after me, not long after I moved here. He begged me to come home, but all I could do was look at him and cry. I loved him so, but he was tearing me to shreds and I couldn't live like that any more. At some point, I wondered how it would be possible that there were any tears left to cry. But somehow they come, clear and freshly agonizing each time.



And so, he left me and true to my request, he hasn't tried to contact me since. Sometimes in my weaker moments I wish he would, I wish he would rush in here and sweep me off my feet like the wild impulsive fool he used to be. But then, I guess we have both been hurt too much to wear our hearts on our sleeves anymore. Caution rules our thoughts and actions and that's the way it should be. Because for all my weak moments, I know I could never survive that kind of pain again. I barely survived it the last time and I know that part of me died when I left them. How could it not?





My son... our son.... I wish I had made this distinction when it really mattered. Maybe it might have made some difference. To her, to him... to all of us. I made so many screw-ups, it's hard to know which one rates more highly then the others. For all our experience with mixed families, we sure screwed this one up well and good. We all bear blame, but the boy knew exactly what he was doing. He admitted it after she had gone, the little bastard actually gloated about how he had made her life such a misery.... At which point, I did what she had wanted all along and kicked him out. He's living somewhere in LA now but we don't talk much.



How do you reconcile yourself with the knowledge that the child you raised cause someone you love so much pain? I still don't know. And I still have nightmares when I hear her crying for me and I just don't know how to reach her. She still consumes my thoughts and owns my heart and I know she always will. Pretending otherwise has only got me into trouble and hurt other people in the past. I won't lie to myself again. I can't see a picture of her without aching to hold her. I can't not love her. She's in my blood. But she's not mine. Not any more.





Our daughter tells me that he doesn't date, that he hasn't seen a single woman romantically since I left. I don't want to believe that, I don't want to think of him all alone. At least one of us should be happy.



But my heart knows it is true. And somehow it moves me to know that he might miss me as much as I miss him. Sometimes I wake at night in tears, crying out for him. Sometimes I feel as though the sensation of his arms around me would be all it would take to let me feel happiness again. And then the memories of the pain returns and I falter.



The sky is so blue today and my friend Dana has come to take me to lunch. I don't feel much like lunch. Today is the sixth anniversary of our wedding. Our much anticipated, much celebrated wedding. Who could have known how things would turn out...?



I can still remember the joy in his gloriously blue eyes as I walked up the aisle toward him. I don't think I could have been happier. And then, later that night, when we began our honeymoon... the passion in his touch was enough to burn....



I don't know why I torture myself like this, with thoughts of what was and what could have been.... I promised myself to keep the memories stored away and instead I inspect them with increasing frequency. And somehow I just can't seem to help it any more.



Of course, Dana knows none of this. She knows nothing but the brittle shell that hides the emptiness. And the emptiness bleeds in lonely silence as I die, little by little, day by day.





I can't concentrate today. Today... it brings too many memories. From the moment I woke up.... I don't know why, but it's worse this year than any year since she left. I can't seem to get her out of my head. Every time I stop for just a moment... I hear her laugh... smell her perfume. I feel as though I am in a hell of my own making every minute I draw breath without her here.



People have said that it's time I started dating again. That I can't wallow in self-pity. But the truth is, how do you fall in love when your heart is three thousand miles away with the only woman you've ever really loved? How do you sit across from someone and smile and laugh and make small talk when you would give the earth for those eyes across from you to be the breathtaking amber-gold eyes that haunt your dreams? Tell me that would you? Cause I'd really like to know how I'm supposed to forget her. If anyone has any suggestions, I'd really like to hear them because I've had about enough of feeling like this.





I can't believe I let Dana talk me into this. He's nice enough, I suppose, in a bland sort of way. The conversation is easy, the food good, so why do I feel like my best friend just died? Why do I have this hollow in the pit of my stomach that nothing will fill? No, on second thoughts, don't tell me. I know well enough.



It was supposed to get easier, wasn't it? Everyone says that, the hackneyed 'time heals all wounds' is bandied about by folks too uncomfortable with a depth of pain they don't understand to deal with grief. Running away was supposed to make it easier. Not seeing him every day was definitely supposed to make things easier. I thought. But dear God, I see him in my dreams almost every night. Isn't that just as bad?



Sometimes I think, if I try hard enough, I can remember every words he ever said to me, recall every touch as though it's imprinted into my flesh. The memories come often enough these days for it to be possible.



Blandman tried to kiss me at the front door but I smiled and turned away. Sometimes I wonder how I can be attractive to anyone any more. I feel so dead and empty inside, surely it must show. I can't be that good an actress...





I saw her handwriting today on an envelope addressed to our girl. I had this agonizing urge to tear the damned paper open and devour her words, to read her life, to hold at least a little part of her in my hands.



But our daughter came in to find me staring at the envelope and she took it from me with such a sad look in her eyes that it made my heart break all over again. But as she walked away, I swear, I could smell her fragrance. It was on the envelope, I know because I found the torn envelope later and as I smoothed it and put it away, the scent evoked so many memories that I could barely breath with the jagged onslaught of reminiscence.



Hell, how pathetic is that I ask you? Oh God, pathetic, maybe, but I just don't know how much longer I can do this without her. Just waking in the morning in our empty bed is enough to destroy my day before it even starts. The thought of never seeing her, never touching her, never laughing with her again... it's slowly killing me. I always thought we were stronger together than apart. Now I know the truth in all its blind desperation. I am nothing without her at my side, without her to guide me. I merely exist from day to day, make all the right noses and function adequately enough, but there is no meaning, no joy.... No light.



I need her because she is my heart. It's that simple.





She received my letter today and she called me. It was so wonderful to hear her sweet voice; it was like a ray of sunlight in my world. I miss her so.



She told me he saw the letter. That he knew it was from me. Sometimes what she doesn't say is more eloquent than what she does.



She's worried about him. She's worried about us both. And I can't reassure her that everything will be all right. I only wish I could, after all, that's what a mother is supposed to do, isn't it? Not fly halfway across the country and abandon everything and everyone she's ever known, simply in an attempt to stop the pain. A failed attempt at that.



It's not going to be all right, is it? How can it be all right when I'm living without my heart and soul?



Dana came by; she's worried about me too. Says I'm pale and drawn. How can I tell her that I haven't slept for weeks? That every time I close my eyes, I see him and I just can't suffer that torment night after night. So I read late into the night and try to make it through the day the best I can.



Last night was the worst for a long time. I fell asleep in a chair by the lamp. The window was open and a cool breeze was stirring my hair. It was almost like his touch, like a gentle caress that leaves you aching for more.



I dreamed that he was with me. I dreamed that he had come to take me home, that he was making me his once again. Dear God, it was so real, so sensual, so beguiling. The joy and the desire were so very real....



But here I am, awake and alone. Celibate and alone. Aching and alone. And I'm beginning to wonder if the risk of being in love with him is definitively worse than the pain of being without him....





I knew this was a mistake, from the moment I agreed to let her take me to lunch. She had this mischievous twinkle in her eye, the same look her mother used to get when she was up to something. But how do you say no to a young woman who has you wrapped around her little finger? I'd do anything for that girl and she knows it.



We ran into Victor on the way in. He was wearing his usual know-it-all, smug grin. Too bad neither of us knew anything back when it would have counted. Still, that is all ancient history and I know in his way, he feels as bad as I do. Not that it does either of us the slightest bit of good.



She's taken the waiter aside and she's ordering for us both. What the hell is she up to? Oh dear God.... she's set me up on a blind date? How many times have I explained to the girl that I have absolutely no interest in dating? How could she spring this on me like this? When I get back to the apartment, she's going to hear....



Oh God, that blonde that just walked in.... Great, now I'm hallucinating.



She's coming this way....



Oh man, if I'm dreaming, please, nobody wake me. Ever. She's an absolute vision and she's smiling at us. At me.



Is this really happening? Is she really here? Has she really come home to us?



She stops in front of me and my heart is thumping so audibly that I'm almost afraid it will deafen me. But she's still smiling and her eyes are sparkling with tears.



"Doc?"



She holds out her hands and I see she's wearing her wedding ring. I must look like a complete idiot the way I'm staring at her as I take her hands in mine.



"Hi honey," she says quietly, and the way she looks at me, I feel as though we're the only two people in the restaurant.... "I'm home."

[I Dream of Jeannie]

FOREVER:

I felt so ill before I walked in here. I almost chickened out. Imagine that, a grown woman flying two thousand miles only to fail at the last hurdle. I was standing in front of the restaurant and the thought of seeing him raised such painful and passionate memories, I was paralysed for a moment.



And then, as I stepped through the door, all the questions I have been torturing myself with, just fell away. The way he looked at me as I walked toward him.... Oh, she was right, Belle was right. He still feels for me. And oh my God, I still love him. With every breath I love him.



Belle kissed me and left. It is so wonderful to see her sweet face again, but she is right, there is plenty of time. I think, our whole lives....



His hands are trembling as they hold mine across the table. Or is it mine? I cannot tell where he ends and I begin as we stare at each other.



"Marlena." The sound of my name falls from his lips and I want to catch it with my own. I want to see if he feels the way I remember, if he tastes as sweet. But I can't. Not yet.



He stares at me, the icy sapphire of his gaze laying my secrets bare with its provocative intensity. I feel as though the breath has been sucked from my body as I try to formulate some kind of response. Oh, God, what he can do to me with just a glance....





~*~





She's even more dazzling than in my memories. The camera just doesn't do her justice. It can't can it? I mean, how can it capture the depth of the beauty of her soul? Or that certain way her eyes shine when she's looking at her children?



She's dressed all in white. Her gown is some flimsy fabric that almost floats around her. I'd wonder if I was dreaming, she looked so like an angel as she crossed the room, but for the warmth of her skin against mine.



I look at her, and oddly, it is like looking into a mirror. I see the same lines of grief, the same sadness in her eyes that lives in mine. Or maybe *lived* would be more accurate, for if she is really back.... I almost don't want to dare to wish...



Oh, but those eyes... Gold that lights the stairway to her heart and soul. Beckoning me to climb in and take what was once mine...



Can I do it again? Can I risk loving this beautiful, glorious creature? This sweet, wild, living contradiction? Her lips flicker at the corners as if she knows what I am thinking. God, can I risk *not* loving her...?



"Doc." My own voice sounds foreign to me, as though a stranger has taken up residence inside me. Although, I wonder if it is *me* that has been the stranger for so long.



"Why?" I need to know, I need to hear it from her before I can believe what ever nerve and every heartbeat is telling me.



"Why?" She repeats my question with a quizzical air and I find myself hanging off her single word. Hell, she has a way of making a simple word sound like a symphony. "Why now?"



"Why at all?" My chest is pounding with hope and fear. She's so close now, but still a world of words separates us.



She thinks for a few minutes but her fingers tighten around mine.



~*~


"Let me show you why." He looks at me with puzzlement as I stand up.



"But... what about dinner?" he asks me. I think he's confused by my sudden change of plans. I guess there's so much we don't know about each other any more. SO much we have to re-explore and re-learn.



"I'm not hungry anymore." And truly, I'm not. Excitement and nervousness tangle in my stomach and they leave no room for thoughts of hunger.



He raises those expressive eyebrows and nods. His hand and mine are still linked, even as he stands and I shiver as he comes close.



"Cold, Doc?" His voice is so casual, but his eyes glitter intensely as I shake my head. This is all so familiar, and yet, so strange. And part of me is dancing intimately with fear. The fear of risking everything I am for this man, yet again. But I look at him and my heart soars and I know the greater risk is in not loving him.



For if I'm honest, I've barely been living for years. Functioning, yes. Making it through the day? Barely. But happy? I think I had forgotten what happiness is. Until I saw his face again.



But still, there is so much to work out.



And yet, for now I am just content to listen to my heart and act entirely from it. It's been numb for too long, this is almost a new sensation. An awakening of sorts. I think I understand now, after all these years, exactly what he meant that night at Titan. It all began with one man who woke up. Well I'm *awake*. I feel as though I have finally woken from an interminable nightmare. One of those monochromatic dreams that you can't quite remember, you only know you're so glad it's over. And walking through that door and seeing his face... there's colour and emotion and excitement.... and there's love. My heart might have been asleep, but it hasn’t forgotten how to love him.






"Here?" His eyes reflect the immense vastness of the dark night sky and he looks around him.



"It's where we always start, isn't it?" The pier creaks and groans its familiar welcome around us and the fog wraps us in its moist embrace.



"Is that what you want?" Hope and despair tremble inside his words and I can see the need in him. The need that has always been in him.



His hand feels warm as I take it in mine. Nothing about his hands has changed. I know every inch of them intimately and they know every inch of me. Part of me wonders how we can be such strangers when we are two halves of the same whole. But I know the answer to that better than anyone. Even a soul can be divided by evil.



Memories battle to be the first to float to the top of my consciousness but as I look at him, the fears melt away. We have been through so much and somehow we simply lost sight of the one thing that really matters.



Us.



But tonight, here, I can feel it again. The love we share *is* something special. Something so powerful that I can no longer pretend that I can live without it.



~*~


She trembles, I think it is with nerves, as she lifts my hand to her body, pressing it against the warm fabric of her dress.



"Can you feel it?" Her balmy whisper wraps around me, encompassing me, taking possession of me. Beneath my fingers I can feel her heart beating, a rhythm that my own pulse echoes.



Without her, I am nothing. Just seeing her again is enough to prove that to me.



"Does that tell you why?" Her words are bewitching as she takes a step towards me. She's so close now, I can feel the warmth of her, can hardly resist the temptation to touch her. But she still holds my hand against her and I simply nod. "John... I don't know where we go from here. I only know that I need you...." her eyes glimmer and I realise with a start that she is crying.



It brings back so many painful emotions that my first instinct is to turn and run. To know that I could hurt her again, that I could bring tears to those beautiful golden eyes... Loving her almost bears too much of a responsibility. But how do I not love her when she holds my heart in her hand? And I hold hers in mine.



"I need you," she repeats. "I thought I could make it on my own. I mean, I'm an independent woman, right?" I'm strong and capable...."



"You're the strongest woman I've ever known, Doc." My voice catches in my throat as the lights shimmer as ghostly reflections on her cheeks.



"And yet, I couldn't make anything work. And every day it just seemed to get worse." She looks so vulnerable as she stands before me in that magical half-light that only exists in this place. "John, I tried to ignore it, tried to deny it, but the truth is that I don’t feel like I'm really *living* without you. I've just been so tired and numb inside and I've been trying to convince myself that everything's fine but really, I've just been hollow."



She looks so scared that my immediate instinct is to pull her into my arms and comfort her. But I don’t know where the line is here. I can't take the risk of crossing it before she defines it. And maybe now is not the time for actions. Maybe it is time for the words that she should have heard five years ago. The words I should have said to her when she walked out of our house and never came back. Dammit, the words I should have said long before it ever got to that point.



"It's okay baby," I turn my hand and close my fingers around hers. "You don't have to explain it to me, I know it all and much, much more." I lay our hands against my own chest. "I've felt it in here every day since you left. It's been so lonely without you..."



She looks down at the boards beneath our feet, the ancient wood solid and worn. When she looks up, her eyes sparkle with tears and I share her long years of loneliness and pain as her tears trickle onto pale cheeks.



God, I love her beyond life and time itself. I'd give anything if I could just take her pain away and make her smile again. I'd sacrifice anything. I only wish I'd realized that before all this came to pass.



"I'm sorry," her voice trembles like a new leaf shuddering in the breeze.



"Sorry?" What does she have to be sorry about? *I'm* the one that's sorry, that regrets every stupid, idiotic move I ever made.



"I should have come back sooner," a pause and her hazel eyes find mine. "I never should have left."



"Marlena." Oh God, I ache that she blames herself like this. I want so badly to erase her pain, to shelter and protect her from ever feeling that kind of agony again. How can I make her understand that this was *never* her fault. It was all *his* and it was mine for believing him, for not standing up for this woman that means all the world to me.



It was a hard lesson to learn. A lesson with consequences for all of us. But mostly for her. She had no choice but to leave her home and her friends to make a new life for herself. I drove her to that. I drove her to seek a life where there was no-one to cause her the kind of pain I have caused her. "Sweetheart, I have wanted so long to talk to you, simply so I could tell you I'm sorry. And now you think *you* should apologize?"



Footsteps sound behind me and I pray that it is no-one that we know. I need this time with her. I need to tell her what is in my heart. I fear if I don't do it now, I'll never get another chance.



"John," there is discomfort in her eyes as she tries to pull her hand from mine. But there is one thing we both know. It is easy enough to separate ourselves physically, but far harder to disentangle our hearts.



"Doc, just let me speak. *Please*."



The stranger hurries past, barely sparing a glance for either of us in the dimly lit theatre of the old pier. For how is he to know that the next few minutes will change my life forever?



The pier is quiet again except for the sound of my heart as it thumps against the wall of my chest with nervous expectation.



~*~


"Since you've been gone, Marlena, everything's been wrong. I wake up in the morning and everything is empty. The bed, the house... my heart. Some mornings I just lie there and stare at your side of the bed and I don't even know how I can face the day."



His hands are warm over mine but I still shiver at the keen anguish that slips out between his words.



"John," my view of him smears with tears that suddenly swim on the precipice of my lashes. I need to stop the words, stop the pain that suddenly rears between us. I'm no longer sure I can do this.



"Let me finish," he pleads with me. "Please Doc, let me finish. I need to say this to you." And how can I tell him no? How can I refuse him? I've never been able to, much less now.



I nod and the new tears make their mad dash along paths recently navigated.



"Please, don't cry baby," he whispers plaintively. "I can't bear to see you cry."



"I can't help it." My voice seems to be swallowed up by the river mist and I can only stare at him helplessly.



"What's worse than not having you here, not being able to be with you and hold you is knowing that it's all my fault that you left."



"It wasn't-" I shake my head but his hand tightens around mine and he looks at me, dark eyebrows low over desperate eyes.



"It *was* my fault and we both know it." His voice is scoured with guilt but I can't offer him any comfort because he *is* right. "I know how much he hurt you. I know because he told me. The little bastard actually stood there with a smirk on his face and told me all the rotten vile things he'd said and done to you. And all that time, I stood up for him. I took his side over yours and I was vile and rotten to you too."



The memories start to flood back, all the harsh moments between us, all the cruel, hurtful words and I feel dizzy for a moment. God, I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I have the strength to relive those moments that were such torture for me.



"I don't want to talk about this." My whisper is barely audible but John shakes his head.



"Doc, we *have* to talk about it. I need to make things right with you. God, I was so horrible to you, I was such a *********, I can't expect you to walk back into my life and act as though nothing happened." I'm crying again and I swipe at the tears with trembling fingers but it's useless. "I hurt you so badly you had to fly clear across the country to get away from me and I have had to live with knowing that I did that. But the thing is, so have you and I'm not sure that I have the right to ask you to forgive me for what I did to you. And to us."



He is quiet for a moment and he looks down at the wood beneath our feet. Underneath it, the water laps, constantly moving onward. Like we must move if we are to survive.



He looks up at me and I see tears have cut silvery ribbons over his cheeks. "I don't know how it happened Doc. I don’t have any excuses. But I've lived with the memory of the pain in your eyes the day you left for the last four years. And I've lived with the pain of living without you and I just can't do it any more."



"You don't have to ask." With a step closer to him, I can almost feel the heat of his body against mine. Skittish fingers reach up to his face. They are still damp and on contact, my own tears meld with his. "I wouldn't have come back if you had to ask John."



"Doc..." I think he is afraid to touch me because he does not move so much as a muscle. I know it isn't because he doesn't want to. "It can't be that easy. Too much happened..."



I smooth the plane of my palm across his cheek and wipe away the lingering moisture.



"It's only as hard as we make it, honey."



God, I want him to touch me. I've come so far, but still, there is a final barrier between us and I need to tear it down before we can truly find our way home.



"It's over. We lost too much time because of Brady. Don't let him take any more from us." I lift my hand from his chest. His eyes are a dusky navy and I let myself drift into his hypnotic gaze as his fingers weave between mine. "John, we can talk about what happened later," I whisper. "But it's in the past. I want to leave it there. At least for tonight. I know I need you and you need me. Isn't that all we need to know for now?"



~*~




Those amber eyes. They've haunted my dreams. They've followed me for so long it's hard to believe they are real. And now they are pleading with me. To forget about the past? Hell, I'd love nothing more than to wipe out the past as though it didn't exist. But can we really do that? Can all the wrongs of the past be mended by a few simple words? I don't think so.



And yet... her skin is so soft against my fingers...



"Oh Doc..." My skin tingles where it touches her and I simply can't help myself. My fingertips skim across her cheekbone and down to her chin. My God, she's just as beautiful now as she was the day I met her.



"It's me John," her lips move under my touch and her words swim into my consciousness and engulf me. "I'm just as real as I was all those years ago. I've come home and there's nothing standing between us any more."



Oh God, I want so much to believe her, to trust that she is right. The problem is that it is myself that I don’t trust. I don’t trust that I will not hurt her again. But if I were to walk away now.... I might well destroy her. And I would certainly destroy myself.



"I love you, Marlena." Her own hand slides around to the back of my neck and I find myself succumbing to her persuasiveness. As if there was ever any question that I could deny her what she asks. "I've always loved you. I'll love you until forever." My heart feels like it's going to hammer through my ribcage, "I'll never ever stop loving you, you need to know that."



"I do know that." Her smile lights up the whole pier, actually the whole damn river. For me her smile is like fireworks in July after a winter of mind-numbing discontent. "I've always known that. That's why it was so hard...."



"Doc," I whisper, but I do not finish the thought.



"Shhhh," she hushes me, so close now that my senses are completely engulfed by her. "No more words, my love. No more..."



Her lips cover mine, soft and warm and her body cleaves to mine as I feel her arms around me. My moan is smothered to a noiseless fizzle as I give in to her, my own hands sliding over still remembered curves, wanting and needing more of her with each moment that passes.



"John," she murmurs against my mouth. "Take me home. Take me home and show me how good we can be."



~*~


I awake with a start, the phone jangling by my ear as I rouse myself from my stupor. Rolling over, I find her side of the bed empty. Undisturbed.



It is only then that I realize the truth. It was only an elaborate trick that my tired, addled mind has played on me. She was never in Salem. We were never at the pier. She never came home with me and spent all night laughing and making love....



She's never coming home. She's never forgiving me for destroying her life and our dreams. Some say never say never, but right now I feel as though there is nothing left but never.



The phone still shrills in my ear, but as I reach for it, it falls oddly silent. I let my head fall back to the pillow but there is an uncomfortable feeling growing in my chest. It feels persuasively like despair.



I can't spend another moment in this bed with the memories of her wreathing me in misery and need. I can't look at her side of the bed and not need to touch her, to smell her scent.



On the way to the door, I stop and look back at the bedroom. Nothing has changed. *Nothing*. I am frightened that if I change things, I will start losing her memory. That I will forget the way she looks when she tilts her head to look at me. That I will forget the way her eyes shine. That I will forget the way it feels to be loved by her. That I will forget who *I* am.



I can hear Belle's voice as I near the landing and then....



My heart is torn in two by her screams and my feet barely touch the ground as I reach the bottom of the stairs. She is sobbing in Mimi's arms, utter terror and despair etched on her young, innocent face.



"Belle," Mimi releases her and I gather her up in my arms. "Isabella, sweetheart, what's happened?"



She's incoherent, she can only struggle for breath and continue to sob and my own apprehension grows. It seems like an eternity before Mimi picks up the phone from the floor and hands it to me.



Entrusting my anguished daughter to her care, I lift the phone to my ear.



"Hello?"

"Hello, is that Mr. Black?"



"Yes, it is." My heart is in my mouth as I speak. I feel as though my tongue is sticking to the roof of my mouth it is so dry. "What's going on? What did you say to my daughter....?" A terrible sense of dread is unfurling inside my gut, creeping into the corners of my soul to blacken and scar it.

"I'm sorry Mr. Black," the disembodied voice on the other end tells me. "My name is Andrews. I'm with the police in Redmond. I'm calling about your wife, Dr. Marlena Evans."

Those words chill me to my very heart. Time slows to a laboured creep and everything in my body stops working. My heart does not beat. My lungs do not pump. My blood does not flow. I am inert. Disabled. And on the verge of a destruction that I cannot even comprehend.

"What about my wife?" My throat feels as though its being scored by dozens of razors as I force the words between clenched teeth. I don't want to hear his answer. I want to go back to sleep and dream that she is here with me, lying in my arms, laughing at....



I hear his voice telling me that Marlena was "involved in an automobile accident. A car driving directly into her, head-on." And then the words that tear out my heart. "She died at the scene."

I am left numb and bleeding inside as he talks. "She was on her way to the airport..... all she had on her was a letter from her daughter.... and a one way ticket to Salem." His voice drones on as I stare at nothing, my hand growing icy and anaesthetised. "...tracked down.... called the airline... so sorry...."


I don't even hear him anymore as my arm drops uselessly and the phone clatters to the floor once again. I barely even hear my daughter's cries. I am nothing. I am lost and everything around me grows heavy and blurred....



So there it is. What I knew, even without knowing. An end to everything I have ever recognized and the beginning of a personal oblivion that will swallow me whole.



There is nothing left inside me. No warmth. No light. No love.



There is nothing left but never.

Forever.

[friend to IDOJ lover]

[I Dream of Jeannie]

Well here it is, that's as big as I can get it, without it being to big. LOL

[I Dream of Jeannie]

I've heard many say that NBC is trying to get teen viewers, well that is exactly what it looks like is happening. But NBC isn't getting teen viewers, if anything it is turning *loyal* teen viewers, who have been watching Days since before they could walk, away. You may be asking, loyal teen viewers, yeah right. You may think that all teen viewers think is that Broe and Shelle are supercouples, which we all know they aren't, and that the only characters teen viewers care about are Shelle, Broe, and the Gemini Twins. But you are wrong, if you feel this way.

I may have been 9 when Marlena was being held in that Gold Cage in Paris, but I remember it well, and I was on the edge of my seat when John was about to be killed in the gas chamber in Aremid, I won't forget when Sami opened that conference room door, and I'll never forget the anger I felt when that awful Sub scene happened. I grew up rooting for J&M, even rooting for Bope at times. But J&M always stuck out in the crowd. And so I watched Days everyday with my mom, and I know my Days history. Many think that teen viewers know nothing of what Days once was and think that Days became good when the teen invasion happened, but a lot of us don't. Many times *loyal* teen viewers are classified wrongly, and when someone says that they are a teen Days watcher their opinion's are thrown out and forgotten, because as many say "Teen viewers are fickle." and a lot are but not all of us.

I think that a lot of people feel resentment toward teen Days watchers because we are the reason that Days is being over run by teens, and in that they are right, it is and that's why. Just don't forget that there are teen Days watchers who agree with you, who don't like the Days teens and wish they'd leave. I just wanted everyone to know that, and I'm in no way saying that all of you have been unfair, that wasn't my point. My point is NBC is not only losing adult fans but they are also losing teen fans everyday. And I also wanted to tell everyone that I am a teen J&M fan. I don't post much here, I have a tendancy to lurk. But I really like everyone except for those multiple personality psychos.

[I Dream of Jeannie]

This is my favorite short story, the one above entitled Home and Forever is my second fav, but this story here is my "Ulitmate" favorite. Enjoy.

The Ultimate Price
By Jackie R.

"Mom? You ready?" Belle asked softly as she stood in her parents doorway. Her mother, sitting at the vanity, was staring out the window, seemingly watching the wind as it rustled the barren branches of the oak tree.

"Mom? The limo's here." Belle spoke again, this time walking towards her mother, laying a hand upon Marlena's shoulder.

Marlena turned and gazed into the blue eyes of her daughter, the eyes her father had passed down to her.

"I"m ready." Marlena hummed softly as she laid her hand upon her daughters, her eyes glistening with tears unshed.

Belle helped her mother stand, as she wrapped her arms around her waist and aided Marlena out the door and down the stairs, to where Brady awaited them, dressed in a black suit his father once wore.

Upon seeing his sister, who was now holding up Marlena, Brady walked up the remaining steps and gathered Marlena in his arms. Carrying his stepmother down the remaining stairs, he winced as she looked up at him lovingly.

"You're so much like your father, so strong, yet gentle. I can see him in your eyes."

As she spoke, Marlena rested her head upon Brady's chest and closed her eyes, as if to escape from the world that was now her reality. Yet, even her dreams were filled with the final haunting images.

FLASH

"Doc, I can't wait to get you home...and take this dress off of you..." John smiled as he spoke, putting his sports jacket on Marlena's shoulders as he walked her to the awaiting car.

Marlena smiled wickedly as she stopped and wrapped her arms around John's neck.

"Why wait until we get home?"

John groaned as he spun her around, lifting her off her feet in the process.

"The esteemed Doctor Evans is having trouble with the mind over matter issue eh? Can't control her bodily urges until we get home?"

Marlena laughed as John placed her back upon her feet. Letting her hands run the course of her husbands broad chest she smiled seductively and winked.

"No, the loving wife of John Black is having a hard time resisting her husbands sex appeal."

John kissed her gently on the neck as he reached behind her and unlocked the door.

"Well, in that case, I don't think anyone will notice if we steam the windows up just a little."

Opening the door, he prepared to lay her down upon the front seat when he felt the cold sting of metal upon his neck.

A thick accent spoke, the stench of whiskey dripping with the offender's words, "Hand me your wallet and the keys."

John turned slowly, as he attempted to close the door of the car, which held a startled Marlena within. Reaching within his pocket, John took out his wallet, and for the first time looked at his offender. Before him stood Stefano DiMera. His eyes wild and mischievous.

"So we meet again John."

John handed Stefano his wallet, to which the Phoenix laughed.

"I don't want your money John Black, you have something more valuable then that."

Stefano peered around John, into the car, through which Stefano could see Marlena, huddled in the passenger side, frantically dialing on her cell phone, her hands shook as tears poured relentlessly from her eyes.

John stepped towards Stefano, his voice shaking as he looked within the eyes of the madman.

"Over my dead body."

Stefano laughed as he played with the gun that he still held within his hand, tapping on John's shoulder, Stefano pushed John away and shattered the window of the car open, at which he grabbed hold of Marlena and pushed her through the shattered window, scratching her body as the glass cut deeply within her skin.

John, frantic, retrieved the gun he kept in the back seat and cocked the gun, to which Stefano turned around and smiled, his hands maneuvering Marlena so she acted now as a shield.

"John, John, John, how stupid do you think I am? You wouldn't shoot me. Not if Marlena's life were ever at stake."

John watched as Stefano's forearm circled around his wife's neck. She stood there, frozen and shaking. Her eyes screamed out her fears as she mouthed silent words to John.

John looked at his wife and then returned his gaze once more to Stefano.

"What? What do you want? I'll give you anything. Take me. I'll be your pawn again. Just let her go, Dimera, damn-it, let her go!"

Stefano laughed as he waved the gun around Marlena's head.

"Anything John?"

John stood armed and ready, his heart racing as he focused the gun's barrel point blank on the man of many lives.

"Anything, you name it, its yours. You just let her go."

Stefano looked down at Marlena, he leaned his head down and inhaled her scent as he tipped her face upwards with the end of the gun. Seductively, he licked her neck, at which a whimper was heard from Marlena. Her eyes closed, and her teeth clenched in disgust and fear.

"Nothing," Stefano began, "would give me greater pleasure then having Marlena. But, I know that is not possible. My Queen of the Night despises me. I do not dismiss this minor fact. She is in love with you. As such, I cannot have what I want most, so I have to settle for what I want next. Which is you...dead."

Marlena screamed as she attempted to release herself form Stefano's grasp, which only resulted in her getting even more tangled within his poison arms.

John remained expressionless, as he waited for Stefano to continue.

"I will leave Marlena alone forever, I will never look at her, speak to her, think of her, you have my word. But, for my sacrifice, I ask a sacrifice from you. If I cannot have her, then you can't either. I don't want you to touch her ever again. And to ensure this, I want you to..."

Stefano smiled as he spoke, his venomous teeth shining wickedly in the streetlight.

"...Well, John, I want you to sacrifice your life for hers. Your breath and heartbeat for her freedom. Your gun, that you so pathetically wave at me, will be the tool that you will use to commit your sacrificial suicide."

Marlena groaned loudly as she stared at John, panic written across her face as she shook her head back and forth miserably.

"I want Marlena to see you die."

John, his mind churning wildly, clenched his teeth as he spoke,

"Why should I trust that you'll leave her alone. How do I know that once I die, you won't grab her and take her away?"

Stefano smiled, as he licked his lips.

"John, as long as you do not have Marlena, then I am satisfied. As long as she is not lying in your arms at night, I can sleep. As long as you are not stealing her kisses, she can live a life without my interference. You have my word that my obsession with her, was a result of my jealousy of you...you can watch me walk away from her, I want you to shoot yourself in the stomach, you will live long enough to watch me get in my car and drive away....forever."

John gazed at Marlena, who shook her head in protest, "John, NO! Don't do it. No...."

John smiled at Marlena, as his eyes poured out all his love, "I love Doc. I love you so much."

Stefano laughed as Marlena screamed out her protest once more, "He's lying John, he's lying...he won't leave us be. He won't. John, don't. Don't."

Caressing his cheek with his gun, Stefano whispered, "I'm not bluffing Marlena...I've leave you alone as long as I know that you and John can never be together. It's either your life, or John's. I was just being nice and letting John have the first chance to die."

John, looked at the gun in his hand and turned it on himself. Looking at Marlena, he mouthed those timeless words, before looking up at Stefano and sneering,

"I would rather die, knowing your filthy hands will never touch her again...rot in hell Dimera."

John, steadied his eyes upon Marlena's, as he positioned the gun directly at his abdomen. Locking eyes with her, he slowly pulled back the trigger, as the shot rang out, his lips once more formed his last sentence, "I love you doc..."

He fell to the cement, as Stefano released Marlena.

"You're a good man John, I'll keep my word. I will never touch your precious Marlena again. NEVER!"

John's eyes stared up at Dimera as he spoke. John's chest rose and fell unsteadily, as Marlena scrambled to gather him in her arms.

Satisfied, Stefano, turned and opened the door to his limo, where looking back once more, he closed the door and the driver peeled out of the parking lot as people began to rush out of the restaurant, being alarmed by the gun shot.

Marlena turned her attention to the quickly fading John, his blood rushing forth and spilling onto her white cocktail dress. His mouth began to gather with blood, as Marlena turned his head to the side, forcing the blood to slide down John's cheek and fall onto her lap. Stroking his hair she cried as she watched his eyes flutter. John looked up at her lovingly as he attempted to speak.

"No, no,...you don't talk, okay. You just lie right here, very still...the ambulance will be here soon, and you're going to be just fine. You're going to be fine John. You hear me? You'll be fine. I love you....I love you so much, you can't die. You can't."

As Marlena sobbed, John gathered his strength and brought his hand up to touch her face. His eyes spoke the words he was unable to express aloud, and then his hand fell limp and his eyes rolled back. He was gone. Marlena screamed as she rocked his body, thunder cracked in the distance, only to be followed by heavy rain that beat down upon Marlena's bare shoulder. The blood form John's wounds mixed with the rain, circling Marlena in a red puddle.

"No....NO! Dear God don't take him. Give him back to me. NO!"

[I Dream of Jeannie]

Part 2:

FLASH

"Mom? We're here. You need to get out of the limo okay?"

Belle's voice interrupted Marlena's thoughts. Blinking her eyes, Marlena focused once more on her daughter and took Brady's outstretched hand, exiting the limo only to find herself in front of St. Luke's.

The wind bit at her cheeks as she stopped and watched the overcast sky and its ominous shadows. As hard as she tried, she could not recall a sunny day since his death. It had rained for the past four days. Constant rain and overcast.

She felt Brady's strong hand on her back, leading her into the church, as the sky broke forth and rain began to fall once more. Entering the church, Marlena's eyes immediately fell upon the white casket that rested in the front of the church. She could feel the eyes of her friends and family as she broke loose from Belle's grasp and walked quickly to the end of the aisle.

Belle attempted to run after her mother, only to be stopped by Brady, who looked down at her and shook his head, "She needs to say good-bye Belle. Let her go."

Marlena approached the casket with great hesitancy, as she knelt, she rested her hands upon his, noticing how cold his hands were,

She spoke, knowing he couldn't hear, but talking just the same.

"You're hands are cold. You always had cold hands, you know that? I remember, you would slip your hands around my waist at night and your fingers would be so freezing, but it felt so good. We would be making love and the rest of you would be so...hot, but your hands, they were cool to the touch and it was as if you were teasing me, making me so warm and then cooling me down with your fingertips."

Marlena paused as she brought her hands to his face, running her fingers down his cheekbones and across his lips.

"I love the smell of your after shave. I would wake up to that smell every morning and I would sneak up behind you and wrap by arms around you and just smell you. Ahhh, you were always late for work because of me. I'd seduce you, just so that I could have your smell on me all day. You know, since you've been gone, I spray your cologne everywhere I go. I spray it on me, on the pillows, in the car...I will probably use the last of your bottle by the time this week is through. I just need to pretend, you know, pretend that your still there. If I can smell you, then I can fool myself, you know? I just keep saying, 'he's all around me, he'll be coming back any minute.' But, the thing is, I know you're not."

Marlena wiped away a tear as she continued on,

"I know you're gone. It's just that..."

Marlena choked as she glanced upwards at the crucifix on the altar,

"It's just that, you were so much a part of my life and my heart that I don't know how to let you go completely and I don't think I need to. I don't think I want to let you go all the way, I just want to keep a little bit of you right here in my heart for always. That way, Stefano didn't win, because you'll always touch me, and hold me, and protect me, cause you'll always be in my heart and in my soul and in my thoughts."

Marlena leaned down and kissed her husband, for the last time, upon his lips. She closed her eyes as she placed her lips upon his and slowly moved away. Whispering in his ear she smiled as she spoke,

"You shouldn't have done what you did, but I can't turn back time and I know I can't bring you back, so I just want to thank you, for being my hero and my best friend. You know, on our wedding you made me a promise and you know you upheld it, you said that "I shall but love thee better after death..." and you did, John, I can feel your love. I see it everytime I look into your children's eyes. It's like you staring at me. Don't ever leave my side, you were my hero during your life, and now...and now John, I think your my angel. So please don't ever leave my side. I love you, I love you so much...

With that Marlena placed her charm bracelet upon John's hand. Smiling, she grasped his hand once more,

"Each charm represents a world you showed me, a life you gave me. I miracle you made happen. I want to give you all the miracles you let me borrow back. I want to give you all the love you showed me and send it back to you. All the blessing and smiles you reserved just for me, I give them back to you. Here is every kiss, every dream, every touch you ever bestowed upon me. You made my life heaven and now I want you to take a part of me with you to heaven..."

Marlena turned unsteadily, as she walked back down the aisle to where Belle and Brady awaited her. Walking to meet his mother, Brady once again collected her in his arms, helping her walk to where the limo awaited.

The End.

[I Dream of Jeannie]

I been meaning to post this for awhile but keep forgetting. Anyways awhile back in either SOD or SOW there was a little article that mention how Drake had hurt his leg during the filming of the John/Sami car accident, "Matrix" scene. Well we got the blood & gut,True in our face, version from Drake. Seems in the heat & emotion of getting caught up in the scene that Drake decided that John instead of just shimming in between the 2 cars to catch up to Sami, that John would just leap on & over the car hood. What Drake didnt anticipate was that the Crew People had dented,torn & loosen the front light assembly on the car to make it looked more wrecked, and when Allison(Sami)shimmed by the car during tape she hooked the end of the light assembly causing it to come all the way out, and because of all the water (it was suppose to be raining) on the floor, Drake didnt have very good footing when he leapt, so his upper right thigh came down with a Thud, real hard right on the torn,jagged edge of the light assembly. (Go back & watch the tape & you can see & hear it!!) Anyways Drake was immediately in intense pain, but ever the trooper he finished up the scene,with noone being the wiser. But when he got back to his dressing room, and checked out his leg a Hematoma (localized swelling filled with blood) was already forming, and it went from a small Hematoma to a very big Hematoma. Big enough that the next day when He & Victoria where seated next to each other at one of Alexandra Horse Shows, Victoria looked over at Drake & said "Honey do you have something in your pocekt?" & Drake said "Yeah my Leg". So with Victorica insistences, They went to see a Doctor. Drake said when he showed the guy his leg, He said "7 tubes" & proceded to bring out a tray with 7 tubes with long syringers(needles) attached. And of course he took those syringers & stuck them in Drake's leg one at a time to drain it. It actually took a little over 5 tubes, with the guy moving the syringer side to side, & back and forth on the last tube. OUCH!! OUCH!! OUCH!! And even though it was better & healing, the right upper thigh area where the Hematoma had been was still very hard, and Drake prove it too us by letting us feel it. I didn't tell Drake at the time "but it actually felt pretty good to me"!! ha ha ha Hey Sorry Cant help myself. Hey it's ok, becuz it was touching for medical purposes only. ha ha ha But seriously you havent been grossed out, till Drake tells you one of this bloody, gorey, injury stories. The Man can make your stomach turn & have you running for a trash can to puke in. He is so graphic with every detail. Good thing Me, Bridget & Laurie all have strong stomachs. ha ha

[~*Hannah_Lee*~]

I Sure plenty of you like me, and my friends Laurie & Bridget notice even the smallest details when it comes to Drake & John. So I am sure you probably noticed that black bruise on Drake's thumb nail. We have spotted them on Drake before on the show & in real life when we are talking to him, and usually when we ask about it, Drake says He smashed it while changing weight plates, while lifting weights,etc. So I thought this was the case this time, but I lost the bet to Bridget. Becuz when we asked Drake about his current Thumb "Ouchy" Drake said he smashed it between 2 cinder blocks. He had told us previously that he was doing some work around the house, & building stuff with cinder block,etc. And Bridget had told me, He probably smashed his thumb working with the cinder block, and Darn if she wasnt right. I asked Drake "How come you don't wear gloves, when you doing such hard work?" and he said he sometimes wear gloves, but mostly not, becuz he likes to feel his work, He likes all the blizters, cuts, scrathes, sweat, etc that come with working hard." What can I said. Drake is just a "Real Man", a "Manly Man", he just likes all that Physical Man stuff.

When we last spoke to Drake Thursday April 29th He knew he was going to present at the Emmys May 21st but that is about all he knew. He said he was TOLD that Peter & Kristian are going to be presenting an award together, and that Deidre would be an presenting award,and that he would be presenting an award but he wasnt told what award. Drake said, "Who knows maybe I'll end up awarding Best Hand Puppet or something like that." ha ha ha ha As funny as that was it really isnt funny, because NBC makes me sooo mad. They are airing the show this year, & they should take this opportunity to promote thier Daytime Shows & Actors. They should have someone like Drake host the show.

[I Dream of Jeannie]

Did you just post for your # of posts, Bad Hannah!! lol. oops bwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaa!

[-*Leah*-]

here it is

[I Dream of Jeannie]

SOW: Reunion August 2004

"It's a full-on bull charge right into her arms." ~ DDH

PART 3 OF CHAT BELOW

: Either you get it, or the Emmys are officially a joke.


Absolutely, yes to submitting my name.

I would have to re-examine any of the killing spree and the scene in the basement with John.

**************

: Any chance the video montages on the website will be available on DVD? I'd buy them again to get rid of the clunky VHS versions I own :> Also, will any new ones be added from recent events?

I am so, so sorry - CJ does an enormous amount of work to collect, edit and produce the wonderful montages we enjoy every year. In the past, at my request, she's made them available for members of the fanclub with the express understanding that they not be copied or sold. Unfortunately we're both aware that these montages have been passed around, dubbed and made available on other websites. This makes me very sad, especially for the majority of you who are able to understand and live by our few simple requests ;(
*****************

:However, the chocolate came after the wake, so Lisa sent it to you at the studio after emailing CJ about when you would be there to recieve it.
: Just curious to know if you got it and liked it?

Yes got it and Yes, Loved it!

**************

: hard to keep their marriage together?

I would assume so, although shortly after John comes to the island, I was given 2 1/2 weeks off - so I'm not sure what's in store

************

Deidre, anyway people who post these can be punished? As in taken out of the fan club? I'm not a fan of them posting what is just for we fans.

Thank you for your concerns, we share them. And have already begun addressing the problem. You'll have an answer on this next week

***************

It's been great chatting with you, we're easing into supper time, which means I gotta go! It's also a busy week getting the boys ready for school but want to take a special moment to let you all know that our darling Claire Smith just turned 100. HA! Just kidding Yesterday she celebrated her 90th birthday. Happy Birthday again Claire! You're da bomb

Talk to you all soon and I'll see you on air tomorrow!

[I Dream of Jeannie]

Chat: 8/29/04

Tully tells me I should avoid campaigning and give him a chance to win.

I've been in touch with the Kerry campaign and will be as active as my schedule permits. I'm especially interested in inspiring younger people to get out and vote.


: Hi Deidre,

: Are you going to campain for Kerry like you did for Gore?

: Diane DiMenna
***********

: hey beauty =)

: - are you ever going to have a events here in europe?

No, I dont think so

: - how does it feel to be so well-known ? to have people who loves you like everywhere?

What a sweet and funny question - and the real answer is, it's not part of my daily existance. I'm a working actress and a busy mother, and rarely come in to contact with the public in anything more than a passing greeting.

: - do you miss working with Drake?

DRake and I have an amazing working repoire, not the least of which is knowing how much fun it is for the audience to see us together. Having said that, I must tell you that last week I went to Josh and told him to his face what I had been saying behind his back -- he was surprised and attentive when I told him it had been a great pleasure working with him during the last 3 months. I had a sense of it earlier during the fantasy scenes at Alice's backdoor and then again during the balcony kiss even more recently. We work in very much the same way, we have incredibly similar sensibilities on stage, and there's an enormous amount of mutuality in the performance. I know it's not what you prefer to see as a storyline - so as a performer I always enter the scenes cautiously. This is great strides for me because you all know of my closeness and caring for Wayne Northrop.

HOw's it working with Drake? It's great to be back

: - do you ever eat crap-food like pizza and mc donalds?

I don't eat at McDonalds - it's the worst we could give ourselves. And though I rarely eat pizza, I indulged at paintball today

************

: How time does fly! Was David's party a 'theme' party? or is he already too old for that?

Yes, he's 12! He's becoming quite the dashing young man. We had our usual family party on the 23rd, and his pal party was today - a paintball theme. What's the point of being 12 if you can't "kill" your nearest and dearest. I rented a 15 passenger van and drove the vanload of 12 year olds to the paint arena and watched them exhaust themselves. They're a great group of kids and had a great time all around.

**********

: I know it's a bit early, but given the attention this story line has created do you think Days will get a fair shake at any daytime emmy nominations?

The buzz began on that very early and I hope interest holds until the voting begins

********

: Hi Deidre

: You said something like that on Soapnet. Does that mean we won't like it(sounds like thaty to me)?

it only means that they are on opposite sides of the barrier when they make eye contact
*************

: Do you have any other pets besides Smudge? And how's Smudge doing btw? Still scaring you?

Smudge is our only live-in critter at the moment but We do have a complete set of squirrels that pop in our kitchen window daily, to get their peanuts

**************

I've been wearing Donna Karan's Cashmere for quite some time but still get more compliments on Shalimar



: Hi Deidre~

: I'm sure this has been asked before, but refresh my memory. What is your perfume of choice??

: Thanks. I'm looking forward to what the fall has to offer with Marlena!!!

: Gina White
: Terre Haute,Indiana

**************

: Hi, Deidre! Did the episode in your house on the island with the snake make you nervous? I have a real fear of them! Love, Laurie

I have no fear of snakes or tarantulas, unlike my island costar, Josh Taylor - who was an adorable bundle of nerves The funniest moment happened when he burst into the apartment and didn't realize they had replaced the real snake with the fake snake. Very funny When the snake wrangler was leaving for the day, he called out to her for the amusement of the cast and crew, 'so sorry to see you go, we'll miss you! She replied 'I'll miss you too Josh, and when you find Sparky (the snake), give me a call'. The crew screamed the laughter

***************

[~*Hannah_Lee*~]

Dear Deidre, Did you get together with Jane Elliott this summer? I know that you have a lovely friendship with her! That is so sweet! Love, Laurie

She is doing well and I see her all time. In fact, I took our kids school shopping on Friday

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: G'Day Deidre, You may or may not know that the TV network that airs DAYS down here are going to bring us almost up to date with the U.S. and that means us missing almost 4 years of episodes. The network has said they will be having "On set" interviews with the stars to bring us up to date ... Are you one of the ones we will hear from?

Absolutely - I was interviewed extensively. I must tell you that I am distraught you will me missing the Salem Stalker storyline! In fact, I'm so disappointed you'll be missing my best work in years, I'm tyring to find a way to bring it to you.

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Basically, ever since Marlena died, it has been a fear for many of us fans, that John/Kate and/or Roman/Marlena would have sex. (Notice I said “have sex” cause while John has had sex with others, he only MAKES LOVE to Marlena! LOL).

: I was wondering if at any point you feared reading your script (especially with the scene that aired before break and tomorrow) and finding out that Roman/Marlena have went TOO FAR? Was it as big of a concern for you, personally, as it has been for us fans?

Absolutely. In fact, my news all comes through the makeup room and there was a moment that someone said to me - you and Josh go to bed. I recall turning to Josh and saying, is that right? I think everyone agreed that would cross a lot of boundaries. As performers, we are always looking for ways to protect our character - at the time, Josh and I both felt that since he believed he was dying, and these two people do have a profound connection, it could be interesting dramatically. And forgiveable under the circumstances. Hoping you thought so too

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: How can John be doing Kate when Marlena's been dead only three weeks,where's the soulmate connection with J/M?

The cast as well as the audience is struggling with these scenes. Josh and I said daily to each other and the directors - but we know our spouses are alive, we have to maintain our integrity - Drake and Lauren had an easier time because they were able to play the grief.

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: LOVED your outfit, you looked fabu! Were those Mary Janes you were wearing? LOVED them.

So glad you liked the outfit. Yes they were Mary Janes and because I switched to jeans at the last minute, we were stuck for shoes. Happy it turned out okay

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: Deidre can you tell us where she is coming from lately? I'm just not buying that she would say she only loved John because she thought he was Roman and then being all lovey dovey with him when she KNOWS that John is alive. It just doesn't seem like our Marlena.

I don't think they're trying to change the backstory, but sometimes it comes so fast that things get overlooked.

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Greetings from the Island!

I'm just recovering from a birthday party, glad to be sitting down and chatting with you ;> Welcome and what's up?
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: It's been WAYYYYYY too long!

We shot a J+M shower scene before we went dark. It's not just a powerful scene, it's also a deeply emotional confession of her near miss with Roman. But you'll enjoy (most) of the shower encounter but watch out for the end

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: Just saw your post about Josh and snakes LOL. My fiance's nickname IS Sparky though I spell it Sparkie usually Anyway, do you have any fears?

Fears? Just every mothers generic fear
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: Hi Deidre, IF you could act along side any actor or actress in the world..who would it be? (NOT DENIS QUADE)

I've become fascinated watching James Spader on the Practice recently. It is some of the stillest and most powerful work I've seen in ages.

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There was a scene in Soapnet Reveals where John and Marlena were embracing. What is the story behind that? A fantasy perhaps? Marlena is wearing the same clothes she was wearing with Roman when he asked her to make love to him... BTW, how one with life threatening blood loss achieves sexual satisfaction, I do not know LOL

The outtake reel this year will have you begging for mercy Obvously, there were many questions about those scenes.

I think that is real - I think it's a scene when he first comes into the penthouse and asks me why Roman has been staying at the penthouse, and the embrace comes out of my answer of reassurance.

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: Neither Drake or Lauren looked comfortable doing those revolting scenes on the roof, or any other scenes for that matter. How did Drake feel about Kate coming on to John so quickly? How did Lauren feel about it?

We haven't worked together so I haven't had a chance to ask.
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Is John going to turn out to be Roman? posted by Sundi on August 29, 2004 at 21:35:34:

: .

The question keeps arising but I have not seen or heard any indications of that happening

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Hi Deidre!
: I was just wondering if you liked the cookbook I gave you at Lunch Wake? I e-mailed CJ and asked her if there was any way I could find out, and she said for me to ask you in a chat. Well here is my chance! Hope you liked it! God bless!
:
: <><>

I love getting cookbooks! I turn them over to my chef and she adores them

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Were you active in any of the counterculture revolutions during the 60's? That time period has always fascinated me and continues to do so to this day.

Not active but I certainly did my part in the 60s

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Can't wait for another event.

The when, don't know. The where? It will NOT be the Sportsman's Lodge

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You looked absolutely breathtaking in that green "not sure of what to call it" you wore at the event. May I ask where you bought it?

If you're speaking about the poncho, I bought the outfit at Voulmiche in Beverly Hills. It's gotten lots of compliments - I bought it in coral and white also My sister snatched the white one last week after I wore it to dinner in FL

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:there has been some confusion. Some spoilers say she is and some only mention Bo and John going.

No, she's not there
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: that he and his Katie girl were hot to trot?

Umm... no he doesn't discuss his relationship with Kate - although she confronts him about she saw between them.