"The New Girl: Part One" Transcript

[FOLrocks1]

“The Facts of Life”
Season Two
Episode 14
“The New Girl: Part One”

The parts in blue are the parts Nick at Nite edited out.
The parts in red are the parts The Hallmark Channel edited out.

Scene One
Int. Dining Hall
[Natalie is at the counter searching for food. She takes a donut. Tootie enters.]
Tootie: Natalie!
Natalie: Tootie!
[They hug.]
Tootie: Boy, did I miss you. Is this where we’re supposed to get our room assignments?
Natalie: I guess so. How was summer camp?
[Tootie pulls shorts out of her purse.]
Tootie: This ought to answer that question.
Natalie: A boy’s bathing suit?
Tootie: I was on a panty raaaaaid.
Natalie: No? Who was in this when you got it?
Tootie: No body. That would spoil all the fun.
Natalie: Tootie, you still have a lot to learn.
[Blair enters.]
Blair: Natalie! Tootie!
[They hug.]
Blair: I’ve missed you so much.
Natalie: Look at you. Uglier than ever.
Tootie: I don’t believe what I see; Blair Warner with only one suitcase.
Blair: What do you mean? This is just for my make-up. My wardrobe is coming later in the truck.
Natalie: Did you hear about Mrs. Garrett’s new job? She’s been promoted to school dietitian.
Tootie: Wow. What an honor. Running a whole barf-ateria.
[Arnold runs in carrying a lobster. Mrs. Garrett is chasing behind him.]
Mrs. G: Arnold! Come back here! Arnold!
[They are now on the opposite ends of the counter.]
Mrs. G: You’ve got to give the cook back his lobster.
Arnold: No body’s going to boil my friend Claude. He’s too cute to die.
Mrs. G: Cute? With those beady little eyes and all those wiggly claws.
Arnold: Mrs. Garrett, you just insulted my pet. Claude, I’d cover your ears but I don’t know where they are.
Mrs. G: All right Arnold. That’s enough...
[Natalie taps her on the shoulder.]
Mrs. G: Natalie! [They Hug] Blair! Tootie! [They hug] You’ve grown!
Blair: You’re so thin!
Tootie: Yeah what happened to the other half of you?
Mrs. G: I’ve lost 25 big ones.
Blair: You look terrific. How did you lose it?
Mrs. G: It’s the new inflation diet. You eat what you can afford.
Tootie: Hi Arnold. What are you doing up here?
Arnold: Ah Tootie. It’s about time you’ve noticed me.
Mrs. G: Yeah well school’s out for a couple days in the city, so my boyfriend came up to pay me a visit.
Arnold: Ah cool it Mrs. Garrett. Tootie might get the idea that I’m not available. Which I definitely am. [to Tootie] Would you like to help me feed my friend Claude?
Tootie: Sure. Okay.
Arnold: Good. Maybe you can help me find it’s mouth.
[Tootie and Arnold exit.]
Blair: What has gotten into Arnold?
Mrs. G: Well you’ve had biology. Figure it out.
[There is a loud sound from outside.]
Mrs. G: What on Earth’s going on out there?
[She goes to the window.]
Mrs. G: Sounds like a wild bunch.
[Jo enters with helmet on.]
Jo: Uh, is this where I’m supposed to be?
Blair: Delivery boys usually use the rear entrance.
Jo: Delivery boy? Give me a break.
[She takes off her helmet showing that she is a girl.]
Jo: Is this where I’m supposed to check in?
Blair: [laughing] I don’t believe this.
Natalie: You don’t? I was going to ask him to the fall dance.
[Jo lunges at Natalie.]
Mrs. G: Hi. I’m Mrs. Garrett, the school dietitian. You must be Jo, the new student.
Jo: Right. How did you know?
Mrs. G: Easy. I’ve never seen a motorcycle parked in my flowerbed before.
Jo: Oh. I thought they were weeds.
Blair: She must think we’re into nostalgia. She’s still wearing flared jeans.
Jo: Uh in a minute, you’re going to be wearing flared teeth.
[Mrs. Garrett steps between them.]
Mrs. G: Wait, wait, wait. Don’t punch a total strange. Introduce yourselves first.
Natalie: Hi. I’m Natalie Green. And I wear flared jeans myself. In fact, all my clothes are flared.
[Jo doesn’t laugh.]
Mrs. G: Blair…
Blair: Blair Warner.
[They shake hands.]
Jo: Charmed. Gloria Vanderbilt.
[Blair gets mud from Jo’s hand onto hers.]
Jo: Oh. Yeah. Your hand’s dirty. You better go have it steamed cleaned or something.
Blair: Why you little…
Mrs. G: Speaking of dormitory assignments.
Blair: Huh?
Mrs. G: Well they’re up on the bulletin board. I thought you might like to see who you’re rooming with.
[Blair and Natalie run into the living room area and look at the board.]
Blair: I can’t even pronounce the one they put me with. Joanne Paul-ne-a-zek.
[Jo and Mrs. Garrett enter.]
Blair: I hope she brings along an interpreter to help me with that name.
[Blair and Natalie laugh.]
Jo: It’s Polneazeck.
Blair: You?
Jo: [indicating fist] And I got you’re interpreter right here. No body jokes about my name.
Blair: You know they really don’t have to. There’s enough laughs in the way you act.
Mrs. G: [stepping in between them] Would you girls care for a bowl of Meow Mix? Natalie, show Jo a better place to park her motorcycle, huh?
Jo: Why don’t I just park it on Blair’s face?
[Jo and Natalie begin to leave. Natalie turns around.]
Natalie: She’s a breath of fresh air, isn’t she.
Blair: This must be an unlucky day for Gemini’s. For me to get stuck with Sheryl Thug.
[Blair sits on the couch.]
Mrs. G: Luck had nothing to do with it. I’m the one who suggested it.
Blair: Mrs. Garrett, I thought you were my friend. How could you?
Mrs. G: Because you’re very special.
[Mrs. Garrett sits with her.]
Blair: Well.
Mrs. G: And so is Jo.
Blair: Her? Special? At what, mud wrestling?
Mrs. G: She’s very bight. Oh, she did really well on her entrance exams.
Blair: That thing’s a breeze. I got a 96 on it.
Mrs. G: She got a 98. Jo was doing really great in public schools until her dad left a couple of years ago. That when her problems began. He mother had to work double shifts, and Jo met a boy who got her into trouble.
[Blair gives her a look.]
Mrs. G: Not that kind of trouble. Truancy. Staying out ‘till all hours, cutting class.
Blair: Great. And I get to be her keeper.
Mrs. G: Her friend, Blair. You know, I’ve always felt that when someone has their act together, they ought to help someone who doesn’t.
Blair: I don’t know...
Mrs. G: Oh come on, Blair. She could lean so much from you. You’re so...so...warm hearted, compassionate, sensitive. Oh let’s face it, Blair. You’re just about perfect in every way.
Blair: What can I say? When you’re right, you’re right.

Scene Two
Int. Mrs. Garrett’s Bedroom
[Mrs. Garrett enters with crushed flowers. Jo enters behind her.]
Jo: Really, I’m sorry I smashed your flowers. Here, you want to use some of my electric tape on those daisies?
Mrs. G: [laughs] Oh, no thanks, honey. Oh and by the way, they were marigolds.
Jo: Right, marigolds. What do I know about flowers? I my neighborhood the state flower is asphalt.
[Jo looks around.]
Jo: Not a bad place you got.
Mrs. G: Well thank you.
Jo: I’d rather even be with you than with Blairse in snobo city.
Mrs. G: But it’s good to live with new people. That’s what school life is all about.
Jo: But she’s not for real. She’s a Barbie doll. I mean, you wind her up and she says, “I Love you,” to herself.
Mrs. G: Don’t jump to conclusions about Blair. You don’t even know her.
[Blair enters.]
Blair: Hi. Am I interrupting anything?
Mrs. G: Oh no. Come in, come in. Uh, I have to check the dinner menu. Besides, you two roommies must have millions of things to talk about.
[Mrs. Garrett nudges Blair and exits.]
Blair: So, I hope you’re going to stay. I’m sure we’ll make great roommates. [fake smile]
Jo: Mrs. Garrett’s been working on ya, huh?
Blair: Okay, Mrs. Garrett did say a few words in passing. But it was only to remind me of that Eastland spirit.
Jo: And what’s that? Slumming builds character?
Blair: No, it’s honesty. Look, I’m not saying you’re my idea of the perfect roommate. That’d be Prince Charles.
Jo: Yeah? Well you don’t win any popularity contests with me neither.
Blair: Good. I see we agree on something.
Jo: Yeah. That and I’m wearing last year’s jeans.
Blair: I apologize for that remark. I admit I sometimes do pay a bit too much attention to fashion.
[Blair looks in the mirror and tosses her hair. Jo comes over to her.]
Jo: You mean not enough.
Blair: How about it? You wanna try bunking together for a while?
Jo: Well, it wouldn’t kill me. Okay. My jeans are kinda old and ripped.
Blair: What’s the difference? My Jordashes [SP] are your Jordashes.
Jo: Oh thanks. You mean you don’t mind me taking them in?
[Arnold and Tootie enter.]
Arnold: And this is where me and Mrs. Garrett bunk together. [to Jo and Blair] Uh, excuse me, this room is taken, you’re going to have to see the manager.
Tootie: Hi, Blair. I haven’t met your new roommate.
Arnold: Uh let me do the honors. Tootie, new roommate, bye-bye.
Tootie: Oh Arnold are you leaving? Good, us girls can have some girl talk.
Arnold: Now how’d that happen?
Tootie: Bye, Arnold, It’s been fun seeing you.
[They shake hands.]
Arnold: You touched my hand. I’ll never wash it again.
Tootie: That’s sweet Arnold.
Arnold: No big deal though. I wasn’t going to wash it anyway. Later baby. Willis told me to say that. [winks] That’s mine.
[Arnold exits.]
Tootie: [to Jo] Hi. I’m Tootie.
Jo: Hi. Jo. Sorry if I spoiled things with you and your boyfriend.
Tootie: Boyfriend? Please! I’m only helping Arnold through his delusions of maturity.
Jo: So what do you do for men around here?
[Natalie enters.]
Natalie: Just in time for the good stuff.
[She sits.]
Natalie: Blair, tell her about Bates Academy. Preppy heaven.
Blair: It’s our brother school. It’s only a mile away. I’ll fix you up.
Jo: Give me a break, huh. I’m talking about men, not high school boys.
Blair: These aren’t boys. I happen to be dating a senior who happens to be 19.
Tootie: He’s slow but cute.
[Tootie sits with Natalie.]
Jo: You’re going to make the perfect roommate. I’ll take the men, and you can have their little brothers.
Natalie: OHHH!
Blair: Not that this is worth discussing, but since we are roommates and being so frank and honest. There isn’t a man around who wouldn’t prefer a Rolls Royce to a motorbike.
Tootie: This is gunna get goooood.
Jo: You know, you are kind of like a Rolls Royce hood ornament. But guys don’t dig little angels dipped in chrome.
Tootie: Did I lie?
Blair: Fortunately for you we don’t move in the same circle, or I could show you which one of us a real man would go for.
Tootie: Oh it’d be easy to show her Blair. At the Chug-A-Lug bar at the highway. It’s just loaded with college guys.
Jo: Perfect.
Blair: [a little mad] Thanks, Tootie.
Tootie: Don’t mention it.
Blair: Listen, I’d go in a minute. But we can get into the bar. We’re both underage and they ask for Ids.
Jo: So? We’ll give ‘em Ids.
[Jo pulls out her wallet and shows Blair.]
Blair: You’re not 18. That Id is faked.
Jo: Yeah. I do beautiful work don’t I? And I always carry a spare that I can fake for you. Alls I need is a picture. It’s simple.
Blair: Simple for you, but my goodness. Which picture will I use?
[She reaches into her purse and pulls out a wallet and a long thing of pictures falls out.]
Blair: This one’s nice. I’m smiling without being too toothy. [looks at another picture] Ah, this one’s at the height of my tan, coconut oil. No this is it. This is it. I’m wearing my sizzling pink lip quencher. Oh I don’t know, this one’s pretty marvelous...
Jo: WHO CARES?! Is it a deal or isn’t it?
Blair: It’s a deal.
[They shake hands. Mrs. Garrett enters and sees them shaking.]
Mrs. G: Oh good. Then you decided to room together?
Tootie: They’re going to do all kinds of things together.
Mrs. G: Great. I’m willing to bet that before long, they’ll be double dating.
Natalie: Bet, bet.
Blair: I think we’d better be getting back to the dorm.
[They all say good bye and the girls leave.]
Mrs. G: Wonderful to have you back. See you later. [She closes her door.] Kids. They fight. But when they make up, it’s worth it. [She looks at her bend flowers] Ugh.

Scene Three
Int. Dining Hall
[Tootie and Natalie enter. Jo and Blair follow behind them.]
Jo: We’ll sneak out tonight after dinner, okay?
Blair: Okay.
Tootie: Yeah. we’ll be ready.
Blair: We? Would you like to explain that.
[Natalie sits at the table.]
Tootie: Sure. See “we” is the third person plural pronoun. Me and Nat are a we, and we are going with you.
[Tootie sits.]
Blair: Hey. We cannot pass the two of you as 18.
[Blair and Jo sit with them.]
Tootie: I know that. We’ll spy through the window.
Natalie: Yeah. Like watching R-rated television. My first shot at voyeurism.
Blair: Absolutely not. Now just forget it.
Tootie: Okay, Blair. It’s your decision. Just remember; leave me behind, you also leave my mouth.
Jo: Would she squeal?
Blair: Are you kidding? Around here she’s known as speak-up America. I think we better take them.
Jo: It’s okay with me.
Blair: Wait a minute. I just thought of something. We can’t go through with this.
Tootie: Why not Blair?
Blair: The Chug-A-Lug Bar is 5 miles away, and I’m not riding on the back of your motorbike.
Jo: Oh that’s no sweat. I noticed the van parked outside.
Blair: The cafeteria van? The keys are never in it.
Jo: Who needs a key? Tonight you’re going to get your first lesson in hot-wiring.
Blair: Hot-wiring? Don’t be stupid, the van already has a heater.
Jo: I’m talking about touching a couple of ignition wires together.
Blair: You mean steal the van?
[Jo nods.]
Tootie: Wow. This is going to be some kind of semester.

Scene Four
Ext. Chug-A-Lug Bar
[Blair heads up to the front door.]
Blair: The van is fine there. Would you hurry?
[Tootie and Natalie run to the window and duck down.]
Blair: Hurry up.
[Jo heads to her.]
Jo: I am hurrying. I’ve never walked in 4-inch heels before.
Blair: Who told you to wear heels with jeans anyway? Very tacky.
Natalie: Boy, there are some cute guys in there. Send out the leftovers.
Blair: I’m ready if you are. Why don’t you go first?
Jo: Sure, unless you want to.
Blair: No, no, no. It’s not that...
Tootie: Would you two stop yacking? Go in there and get some studs.

CUT TO:

Int. Chug-A-Lug Bar
[Blair an Jo enter. The “bouncer” stops them.]
Jo: Hi.
Blair: Hi.
Bouncer: Hi.
Jo: I guess you want to see our Ids, huh?
Bouncer: Yeah, well if you want to come inside.
[Jo takes out her wallet and shows him.]
Bouncer: Okay.
Blair: Ah well, here’s mine.
[Blair takes hers out of her purse and VERY quickly runs it by his face.]
Bouncer: I didn’t take speed-reading.
[Blair hands it to him.]
Bouncer: Wait a minute.
Blair: Why? What’s the matter?
Bouncer: I’ve never seen such a good picture on an ID before. Great tan.
[He hands it back.]
Blair: Oh. Thanks. Coconut oil.
[A man goes over to the bar. The girls check him out.]
Jo: Not bad.
Blair: Gorgeous. But I’m afraid he might be a little old for you.
Jo: Are you crazy?
[They sit down beside him at the bar.]
Jo: [to the bartender] 2 brews.
Blair: One brew. I’ll have a beer.
Man: Hi. I’m Fred.
Blair: Hi, Blair.
[The shake.]
Jo: Jo.
[Fred gets between them and puts his arms around both of them.]
Fred: Well, now who says the beautiful ones never travel in pairs?

Scene Five
Int. Garrett’s Bedroom
[Mrs. Garrett is sitting on the bed. Arnold enters.]
Mrs. G: Hey Arnold. Why the long face?
Arnold: I’ve been here 6 hours and only spent 6 minutes with Tootie. At this rate I’ll be ninety before we get it on.
Mrs. G: Well now, we could have gone bowling together. I told you Tootie was going to be busy settling in with the other girls.
Arnold: Settling in? Those girls? Huh! I’d laugh, but I made previous plans to throw up.
Mrs. G: What are you talking about?
[Arnold begins pacing.]
Arnold: Those girls settle in! They’re not even here.
Mrs. G: Well where are they?
Arnold: In a fast lane enjoying life. Treating me like I was a little kid on a bike path in a kiddie-car.
Mrs. G: Arnold, slow down and park it.
[She pushes him down on a chair.]
Mrs. G: Now, What’s going on?
Arnold: Tootie told me you knew about it.
Mrs. G: Well I’ll tell you after I hear it.
Arnold: Okay. I was downstairs in the kitchen with my lobster friend Claude, making sure the cook didn’t commit thermador, when all of a sudden I hear someone outside messing with the van.
Mrs. G: Messing with the van? Who?
Arnold: Tootie and company. They got the motor started without a key.
Mrs. G: Hot-wiring?
Arnold: You saw it on the Today Show too, huh?
Mrs. G: Oh I don’t believe it. They wouldn’t do a thing like…[she looks outside the window] It’s gone!
Arnold: In 60 seconds. Give or take 20 minutes of fussing and cussing.
Mrs. G: I don’t believe it. Did they say where they were going?
Arnold: It was the strangest name I’d ever heard. It was called the Thing-A-Majig or the Slug-A-Bug.
Mrs. G: The Chug-A-Lug!
Arnold: Maybe. That’s close.
[Mrs. Garrett kisses him.]
Mrs. G: Watch TV. Watch something happy.
[Mrs. Garrett takes her coat and leaves.]

Scene Six
Int. Chug-A-Lug Bar
Fred: So what college you girls from?
[They both say different answers.]
Fred: Ah different schools. Well let me guess. I’m pretty good at this sort of thing. [to Jo] You’re easy.
Jo: Hey!
Fred: Yeah, Sure. You got last years jeans, that couldn’t-be-bothered hairstyle. Just a touch of punk in those high heels. You go to Sara Lawrence, right?
Jo: Really. Right, For sure.
Fred: Now Blair here, she is much tougher to figure out.
Blair: If you only knew how many men have told me that.
Fred: You got great make-up, perfect hair-do, everything you wear is straight out of Vogue. You’re at secretarial school.
Blair: Secretarial school? Give me a break!
Fred: Then it’s beauty college. I’m never wrong about these things, babe.
Blair: Well you happen to be wrong this time you low-class creep.
Jo: Blair, Blair. This is not the way to come onto a guy.
Blair: Have you ever heard of Warner Textile Mills?
Fred: Oh. That’s why you’re so sensitive. You’re a working girl. So what do you operate, a loom or something like that?
Blair: You jerk, I own the place.

CUT TO:

Ext. Chug-A-Lug Bar
[Tootie and Natalie see this confrontation through the window.]
Tootie: Uh-oh. That guy’s giving Blair a hard time.
Natalie: She’s freaking. He must have said something awful.
Tootie: [getting up] I’m going in.
Natalie: They won’t let you in there.
Tootie: We’ll tell them we’re very small Avon ladies.

CUT TO:

Int. Chug-A-Lug Bar
[Tootie and Natalie enter.]
Bouncer: Hey!
Tootie: Okay turkey, what did you say to our friends?
Blair: Tootie, Natalie, get out of here.
Fred: Who are these kids?
Blair: Uh..Um..Oh, they’re my little sisters.
[Mrs. Garrett enters.]
Mrs. G: Girls!
Natalie: Mrs. Garrett.
Mrs. G: Will you tell me what’s going on here?
Tootie: Group sleepwalking?
Mrs. G: Blair, I want an explanation.
Blair: Well, Mrs. Garrett. We were just letting of some steam. You know how tough the first day of school can be. Getting settled, meeting new people…
Tootie: And now comes Miller Time.
Fred: I don’t think so girls. It’s time for a full introduction. [He takes out a badge] Officer Scholar, Peekskill Police.
Blair: Police?
Jo: What blew our cover.
Blair: It was probably those ridiculous shoes.
Fred: Don’t blame her honey. I was on your case the minute you came through the door with your fake Ids.
Mrs. G: Officer, Officer. These girls are from Eastland School.
[She pulls him where they can talk more alone.]
Mrs. G: Now…[laughs] you know the nutty things high school kids can do.
Fred: Well I’m sorry Mama. But you know sometimes a lesson at this age is just what they need. Come on you two...
Mrs. G: Wait a minute! You can’t just say book ‘em and then forget it!
Fred: Lady, nobody says book ‘em. That’s Hawaii Five-0
Mrs. G: They’re not criminals. They’re harmless high school kids. Okay, so they sipped a little beer.
Fred: That’s an offence.
Mrs. G: Oh I know it wasn’t right faking their Ids.
Fred: That’s another offence.
Mrs. G: But it’s no crime to sneak away from school. Of course to steal the school van, is a crime.
Fred: They stole the school van?
Mrs. G: Borrowed! Borrowed! Don’t put words in my mouth.
[We hear tires squeal and a loud crash.]
Mrs. G: By the way girls, where is the van?
Blair: Don’t worry Mrs. Garrett, I’m sure that wasn’t it.
Jo: Yeah. We parked it real carefully right outside.
Fred: Hey that’s no street. That’s a one way alley.
Tootie: We are in troubleeeee.
Fred: Harmless high school girls? Ha! I got to take these two in before they do anymore damage.
Mrs. G: Wait you can’t do that, it’s entrapment.
Natalie: Leave my friends alone.
[Natalie pushes him.]
Tootie: Yeah, creep!
[Tootie pours beer over his head.]
Fred: All right! That’s it! I’m going to put you all in jail. Lets get going!

[FREEZE FRAME]

TO BE CONTINUED…

[Impressions]

Wow! That was great, it must have took you a long time, I glad you posted the whole transcript, I'm looking foward to reading the next episode!

[Juss Like Jo Po]

That must have taken forever!!! but i loved reading it and i cant wait for the next one!! thanks for posting it

[FOLrocks1]

No problem! I liked doing it. It took me around six hours total...aroung 17000 letter and punctution characters. LOL!
I can usually do one in a weekend or one during the week.

Next:
"The New Girl: Part Two"

If you have any episodes that you would like to see done like this please PM me.

[fr00ti]

Thanks man! Nice job!!

[Rebel Queen 1980]

Good So Far!,This script to one of my favorite episodes!

[la10424]

Thanks soooo much for doing that! You freakin ROCK!