Ralph Kramden, a NY NBA fan (Part 1) (2024)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Knicks beat the Philadelphia 76ers 111-104.)

(Ralph & Ed just watched the game inside the Kramden apartment.)

Ralph: “What a game.”

Ed: “Our Knicks won. They beat the Philly team.”

Ralph: “I certainly wish we were there in Philadelphia just to say: ‘Yo Adrian!’”

Ed: “Just like Slyvester Stallone. The only thing is you would probably get a heart attack running up the stairs and the stairs would collapse.”

Ralph: “You are a riot Norton.”

(Alice comes out.)

Alice: “Ed’s right. I remember you running up the stairs and falling through.”

Ralph: “Get off your little jollies. I will show you I am not as far anymore.”

(Ralph jumps on the floor and falls through.)

Ralph (from below, yells): “I GOT A BIIIIIIIG MOUTH!”

Ed (yells): “AND A BIG STOMACH.”

Ralph (from below, yells): “GET OUT NORTON! GEEEEEET OUT!”

(Ed leaves.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Good night everyone.”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Knicks beat the Philadelphia 76ers 104-101.)

(Ralph & Ed just watched the game from the Kramden apartment.)

Ralph: “What an exciting game Norton.”

Ed: “The Knicks came back and now have a two game lead.”

Ralph: “You got that right.”

Ed: “I got a feeling that the Knicks will win it all.”

Ralph: “I agree. They haven’t won one since 1973.”

Ed: “Let’s hope that the Knicks win game 3.”

Ralph: “They better win the series in Philly and run up the stairs where the Rocky statue is and yell: YO! ADRIAN!’”

Ed: “Maybe Sylvester Stallone will be there. I would like to get his autograph and show off my boxing skills.”

Ed: “You mean when you hurt your hand punching the bag just after Harvey backed out of a fight against you by getting him to believe that you are a tough guy by knocking out a guy bigger than Harvey because you were too scared?”

Ralph (yells): “GET OUT!”

(Ed leaves.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Philadelphia 76ers beat the NY Knicks 125-114.)

(Ralph picks up Ed on the bus.)

Ralph: “Hey Norton!”

Ed: “Whaddaya say Ralph? That Knicks game was horrible.”

Ralph: “I’ll say it was.”

(Ralph drives off.)

Ralph: “The Knicks had a chance to take a commanding lead but at least they still have a cushion.”

Ed: “Those Philly fans are rabid.”

Ralph: “I’ll say they are. We should get tickets and see the game there ourselves.”

Ed: “That would be great. Us seeing the sewers of Philly.”

(Ralph rolls his eyes.)

Ralph: “I heard that Philly is known for cheesesteaks. I would love to have them.”

Ed: “Me too. You would probably eat 20 in one whole sitting and get real heartburn if the Knicks lose.”

(Ralph stops the bus.)

Ralph (yells): “GEEEEEEEEEEET OUT!”

(Ed leaves.)

Man: “Hiw rude is that?”

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!”

(Crowd cheers.)

(

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Knicks beat the Philadelphia 97-92.)

(Ralph comes home at the doorstep of the building. Ed greets him.)

Ed: “Hey Ralph! Did you see that Knicks game?”

Ralph: “Wow, did I. I just saw the game at the poolroom. The Knicks are one game away from advancing.”

Ed: “Those 76ers better have angst.”

Ralph: “I know that I would.”

Ed: “Boy, the fact that the Knicks could end a 51-year drought.”

Ralph: “Remember the 1994 movie, Crooklyn that was set in 1971 Brooklyn? That little boy was such a Knicks fan. He was happy that the Knicks won but upset that he didn’t see it.”

Ed: “One of the characters also got a bucket of water dumped all over him when he was on someone’s stoop when someone dumped water on him from the window. Reminds me of what happens to you Ralph when you yell out the window. Mostly by Garrity.”

Ralph: “Garrity, that loudmouth is such an un-likable human unlike me. He is louder than me and has a BIGGER mouth than me.”

(Garrity from upstairs, pours a bucket of water onto Ralph.)

Ralph (yells): “YEEOOWWWWWWWWW!”

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): “HOW ABOUT THAT LOUDMOUTH?”

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph (to Ed, yells): “NORTON, PUT ‘EM UP!”

(Ralph chases after Ed.)

(A still soaked Jackie walks on stage.)

Jackie: “Thank you. The Miami Beach crowds are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!”

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Philadelphia 76ers beat the NY Knicks 112-106.)

(Ralph meets Ed by his manhole.)

Ralph: “Well, the Knicks blew it. They could’ve advanced but they didn’t.”

Ed: “At least they have two more opportunities.”

Ralph: “Lets hope that they don’t blow them.”

Ed: “Unlike last night when they blew it in OT.”

Ralph: “You got that right.”

Ed: “Did that Joe Fenstablau rule you up today about the Knicks?”

Ralph: “Oh yes he did and I can’t wait to rub it in his face when the Knicks win. I hate braggers.”

Ed: “That’s the pot calling the kettle black.”

Ralph: “I don’t brag Norton. I haven’t got that in my body. Do you know what I have in my body?”

Ed: “500 pounds of food?”

Ralph (yells): “ALL RIGHT NORTON! PUT ‘EM UP!”

(Ralph chases Ed all over the place.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Good night everyone.”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Knicks win the Eastern Conference Quarterfinals, 4 games to 2, by beating the Philadelphia 76ers 118-115.)

(Ralph & Ed just watched the game from the Kramden apartment.)

Ralph (yells): “WHAT A GAME NORTON!”

Ed (yells): “THE KNICKS ADVANCE. THEY ADVANCE RALPH-IE BOY!”

Ralph: “What a nail biter.”

Ed: “I say so. You were biting your finger nails and you would’ve bit your toe nails but you haven’t seen your toes in years.”

Ralph: “I bet that Garrity upstairs is flipping out. He is so upset that his 76ers lost.”

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): “THOSE NO-GOOD KNICKS WON.”

(Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): “HEY YOU LOUDMOUTH! LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT WHAT WAS COMING TO YOU. HAHAHAHA!”

(Ralph goes inside.)

Ed: “That showed him Ralph-ie boy!”

(Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): “YOUR JUST JEALOUS GARRITY AND DO YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE TOMORROW, THE KNICKS WILL BE ON THE FRONT PAGE OF EVERY PAPER IN THE COUNTRY.”

(Garrity nails Ralph with water.)

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): ”SO WILL MINE FOR KILLING YOU.”

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph (yells): “GET OUT! GET OUT! GEEEEEET OUT!”

(Ed leaves.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “As usual, the Miami Beach crowds are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!”

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Knicks beat the Indiana Pacers 121-117.)

(Ed meets Ralph for lunch at the Gotham Bus Depot.)

Ed: “Hey Ralph-ie boy!”

Ralph: “Hey Norton!”

Ed: “What a game last night.”

Ralph: “I agree.”

Ed: “The people said that you loved it.”

Ralph: “What do you mean?”

Ed: “The top floor heard you screaming in celebration when the Knicks won.”

Ralph: “I bet they are jealous that they are not Knicks fans like I am.”

Ed: “I wonder how Garrity felt.”

Ralph: “Oh, I heard him throwing things around.”

Ed: “Like you haven’t. I heard you wanted to make adjustments to your apartment like bringing the door into your apartment and throwing things when your team lose.”

Ralph: “I never throw things that are big and heavy.”

Ed: “You are right Ralph. You would get a heart attack if you do.”

Ralph (gets up and yells): “GEEEEEEEEEET OUT!l

(Ed leaves.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Knicks beat the Indiana Pacers 130-121.)

(Ralph & Ed just watched the game At Fascination Bar & Grill.)

Ralph: “Mmmmmmm boy what a game Norton.”

Ed: “The Pacers are wondering what it takes.”

Ralph: “Just think. They are now up to two games with a game three in Indiana.”

Ed: “Indianapolis to be exact. I heard that Indianapolis is somewhat rural.”

Ralph: “Some fans call themselves hicks.”

Ed: “They grow corn there right?l

Ralph: “I would imagine so.”

Ed: “I know that you would love being in a cornfield.”

Ralph: “Oh, you’re a riot Norton. A real riot. But, I got told that the Knicks finally have a chance to really do something for the first time since 1973. Time for them to stop the 51 year drought.”

Ed: “Yeah, this is the year that the Knicks can really do something.”

(They sing a song about the Knicks ending their drought.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “The Miami Beach crowds are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!”

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Indiana Pacers beat the NY Knicks 111-106.)

(Ralph & Ed come home in the Kramden apartment from the Raccoon Lodge all sad especially Ralph.)

Ed: “It had to happen Ralph. Those Knicks blew it.”

Ralph: “I know. Good th8ng that the Knicks went into Indiana with a two game lead. But, I so don’t want the Knicks to lose the series AT MSG.”

Ed: “”Me too. That would be just as bad as SpongeBob SquarePants being cancelled.”

Ralph: “Let me get this straight. You are comparing the Knicks losing to SpongeBob ending?”

Ed: “Why certainly. With the series ending, how can I stay motivated when I am in the sewer?”

Ralph: “Oh, you are a riot Norton.”

Ed: “Back to the Knicks, I think we should all go to Indianapolis to watch the game and cheer on the Knicks. But, I have a funny feeling that you would love the corn in the cornfields.”

(Ralph rolls his eyes.)

Ralph: “Norton, Indianapolis is too far.”

Ed: “You’re right. But I bet that you would earn the distinction of eating the most corn in one day.”

Ralph (yells): “GET OUT! GEEEEEEEEEEET OUT!”

(Ed leaves,)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Thank you. Good night everyone.”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Indians Pacers beat the NY Knicks 121-89.)

(Ralph & Ed just watched the game at Alice’s Mother’s house. The wives are also there.)

Ed: “Ralph, it’s bad enough that you accidentally destroyed your mother-in-law’s TV due to your bad carpentry skills but you watched the Knicks lose by 32 points. 121-89 points. That wasn’t a blitz. That was a BLOUTZ.”

Ralph: “Don’t get me started Norton. It’s bad enough that I have to be here. It’s bad enough that I accidentally destroyed someone’s TV but now I saw the Knicks lose.”

Ed: “Now those Pacers tied the score. Two games a piece.”

Ralph: “Don’t remind me Norton. I can’t stand to see another Pacers win.”

Ed: “Me neither. Now my mother-in-law is rubbing it in. Hopefully she will stop.”

(Cousin Leo walks by.)

Leo: “Guys, it’s GOOD to see you. Thankfully I wasn’t late for the game.”

Alice’s Mom: “Nope and not too late to see my big, fat, loser of a son-in-law and the Knicks make fools of themselves.”

Ralph (yellls): “YOU ARE A BLABBERMOUTH! A BLAB-BER-MOUTH!”

(They look like they will fight but they get separated.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Knicks beat the Indiana Pacers 121-91.)

(Ralph & Ed come home hooting and hollering.)

Ralph: “What a game Norton. What a difference from game 4.”

Ed: “121 pernts. That wasn’t a blitz. That was a BLOUTZ.”

Ralph: “Now, the Knicks are ONE win away from the conference finals. A place they haven’t been since 2000.”

Ed: “Wow!”

Ralph: “I have a feeling that the Knicks will win the NBA title. I have a feeling.”

Ed: “Wonder how Patrick Ewing will feel?”

Ralph: “Oh, he will feel happy. It’s a just a shame that he never won a NBA title.”

Ed: “All those years amounted to nothing.”

(Ed blows his nose out of sadness.)

Ralph: “You know that I wanted to play basketball because I was too short.”

Ed: “I didn’t know that that was the reason. I knew that there was a reason.”

Ralph: “What did you think it was?”

Ed: “That you broke the wood on the court when you ran down the court and the coach thought you were going to collapse.”

Ralph (yells): “OK NORTON! PUT ‘EM UP! LETS GO! LETS GO!”

(Ed runs away as Ralph chases after him.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Indiana Pacers beat the NY Knicks 116-103.)

(Ralph and Ed come home from the Raccoon Lodge after having watched the game there.)

Ralph: “What a bad game Norton. The Knicks once had a two game lead and now they blew it.”

Ed: “I should’ve known that the series was too good to be true.”

Ralph: “How about that Freddie Muller? He had the gall to say the Knicks were going to lose.”

Ed: “And his wish came true.”

Ralph: “You can say that again.”

Ed: “Now on Sunday, it’s do or die.”

Ralph: “You can say that again.”

Ed: “The Pacers will win and I’ll be happy.”

Ralph: “You can say that again.” (Yells): “WHAT DID YOU SAY?”

Ed: “I was just seeing if you were paying attention.”

Ralph: “Boy, would I love to drive this fist right through.”

McGarrity (from upstairs, yells): “HEY KRAMDEN, YOUR KNICKS LOST. HOPE YOU DIDN’T GET DRUNK AT YOUR SILLY LODGE.”

(Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): “OK EVERYONE. WE WILL SETTLE IT RIGHT NOW. WHO IS THE SILLY ONE IN THIS APARTMENT BUILDING. I CAN TELL YOU ITS MCGARRITY. WHO IS IT?”

All (yell): “RALPH KRAMDEN.”

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph (to Ed, yells): “GET OUT! GEEEEEEEEEEET OUT!”

(Ed leaves.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Indiana Pacers won the Eastern Conference Semifinals, 4 games to 3, by beating the NY Knicks 130-109.)

(Ralph is sitting on the table and is moping. He slams his hand on the table in frustration.)

(Alice comes out in the kitchen.)

Alice: “Ralph, I know that you are upset that the Knicks lost their chance to get the NBA title.”

Ralph: “You don’t know the half of if Alice. I wanted to celebrate the Knicks winning tonight’s game by going down to the pizzeria and eating an 18-inch pizza by myself with breadsticks.”

(Ed comes down.)

Ed: “Whaddaya say you two? Hey Ralph, I am upset that the Knicks lost the NBA title and they haven’t won an NBA title in 51 years. It reminds me of the 1994 movie Crooklyn especially when Garrity doused you with water when you were on the front stoop of this building boasting loudly about the Knicks.”

(Ralph loudly slams his hands on the table in frustration.)

Ralph: “Norton, I wanted to celebrate the Knicks winning tonight’s game by going down to the pizzeria and eating an 18-inch pizza by myself with breadsticks.”

Ed: “Considering how you are built, I am not surprised. I am surprised that you wouldn’t eat all the pizza in the parlor. That’s what you would do.”

(Ralph gets up and looking at Ed, points his finger at the door. Ed gets up.)

Ed: “I got to hand it to you Ralph. You are treating this with dignity and…”

Ralph (yells): “GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET OUT!”

(Ed leaves.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Thank you. Good night everyone.”

(Crowd cheers.)