Ralph Kramden, a NY NHL fan? (Part 1) (2024)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Carolina Hurricanes beat the NY Islanders 3-1.)

(Ralph meets Ed at the pool hall.)

Ed: “Whst a rotten game last night Ralph. The Hurricanes beat our Islanders.”

Ralph: “Yeah and I heard from Garrity that I should be on the Hurricanes judging by my mouth.”

Ed: “Hahaha.”

Ralph: “Shut up Norton. Now our Islanders need our help. You know I used to play hockey at the Rockefeller Center Ice rink. I was on the verge of winning the game.”

Ed: “And then you caved in to the icy cold water due to your weight.”

Ralph: “Ooooooh, you’re a riot Norton.”

(Garrity comes in.)

Ralph: “Garrity, we are surprised to see you here.”

Garrity: “Yes, I know. I heard that you ice skated at the Rockefeller Ice Rink. Did you fall in?”

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph (yells): “NORTON, GET OUT! GEEEET OUT!”

(Ed leaves.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Rangers beat the Washington Capitals 3-1.)

(Alice & Trixie exit out of MSG.)

Alice: “The first game we went with our husbands Trixie and have you ever been so embarrassed Trixie?”

Trixie: “Nope. Our husbands acted so immature.”

Alice: “They almost got kicked out of MSG.”

(The boys exit MSG.)

Ralph: “What gall that guard had.”

Ed: “All guards are beasts.”

Alice: “Well Ralph, you got into the face of that Washington Capitals fan who flipped you off.”

Ralph: “Big deal. All I did was moon him.”

Alice (sarcastically): “Yeah, that was no big deal.”

Ed: “At least we got the last laugh with our Rangers winning. We need those teams to face each other later.”

Alice: “Don’t get upset if it doesn’t happen.”

Ralph: “I can handle loss gratefully.”

Alice: “Yeah, you could. When you lost that pool game to Garrity last week, you cried like a baby elephant.”

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph (yells): “SHUT UP NORTON!”

Ed: “You got to handle loss gratefully.”

Ralph: “Yes you do.”

(They sing a song about being a good loser. After that, the crowd cheers.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “The Miami Beach crowds are the BEST!”

(Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Time to introduce the cast. Jean Kean.”

(Crowd cheers as Jean Kean comes out and shakes Jackie’s hand.)

Jackie: “Audrey Meadows.”

(Crowd cheers for Audrey Meadows comes out and kisses Jackie.)

Jackie: “Art Carney.”

(Crowd cheers for Art Carney and shakes Jackie’s hand.)

Jackie: “Good night.”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Carolina Hurricanes beat the NY Islanders 5-3.)

(Ralph meets Ed by the sewer manhole.)

Ralph: “What a lousy Islanders game last night as the Islanders blew a three goal lead. The Hurricanes won the game 5-3.”

Ed: “I agree.”

(Ed blows his nose out of sadness.)

Ed: “I think we should be looking at the Hurricanes winning the series.”

Ralph: “What are you saying Norton? The Islanders will win the series and come back. We need them to face the Rangers.”

Ed: “You are right Ralph.”

Ralph: “I know that I am. We are going to have it made. We should make the Rangers and Islanders honorary Raccoons.”

Ed: “Do you know why I am saying that the Hurricanes May advance? I’m a Hurricanes fan.”

Ralph (yells): “NORTON! YOU BETTER START RUNNING.”

(Ed runs down the sewer.)

Ed (from sewer, yells): “YOU WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO FIT IN THE MANHOLE.”

Ralph (yells): “OH YEAH?”

(Ralph goes down and gets stuck. People have to pry him out. He can’t go back to work. Alice looks on.)

Alice: “What do you have to say for yourself?”

Ralph (yells): “I GOT A BIIIIG MOUTH.”

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie (yells): “GOOD NIGHT EVERYINE! THE MIAMI BEACH CROWDS ARE THE BEST!”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Rangers beat the Washington Capitals 4-3.)

(Ralph & Ed meet at the subway.)

Ed: “Hey Ralph-ie boy!”

Ralph: “Hi Norton!”

Ed: “What a great game Ralph.”

Ralph: “Those pesky Capitals got beat. Hopefully they will win the series.”

Ed: “I agree.”

Ralph: “I am so sick of playing against the Capitals.”

Ed: “Me too. It’s tiring.”

Ralph: “I so want to see the Rangers meet the Islanders in the next round.”

Ed: “Me too. New York NEEDS it.”

Ralph: “Hey, the state of Florida is having their two hockey teams play against each other in a playoff series now. I want to play against the Florida Panthers and be near the greatest audiences in the world.”

(Crowd cheers.)

Ed: “So do I. We should all retire to Miami Beach.”

(Crowd cheers.)

Ralph: “About the Rangers. We all know that the Rangers will advance.”

(They both sing a song about Rangers advancing.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Carolina Hurricanes beat the NY Islanders 3-2.)

(Ralph is sitting by the kitchen table moping. Ed comes in.)

Ed: “Whaddaya say Ralph? What a bad game.”

Ralph: “The Islanders are getting destroyed by the Hurricanes.”

Ed: “There goes the dreams of every New Yorker who wants to see the Islanders face the Rangers in the playoffs.”

Ralph: “Let’s not lose hope Norton. The Islanders May run the table and go to a game 7. That would be great.”

Ed: “I can just see the outcome. Islanders stretch the series to a game 7…and then lose. Which causes a Brooklyn bus driver to faint and fall through the floor.”

Ralph (yells): “GET OUT! GET OUT! GEEEEEEEEET OUT! GEEEEEEEET OUT!”

(Ed leaves.)

Ralph: “‘Faints and falls through the floor.’”

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Thank you. As always, the Miami Beach crowds are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Rangers beat the Washington Capitals 3-1.)

(Ralph, Freddie Muller and Ed watched the game at the Raccoon Lodge.)

Ralph: “Wow! One win away from advancing and eliminating those pesky Washington Capitals.”

Ed: “With some good luck, they may face our Islanders.”

Freddie: “Looks like you two want the Rangers and Islanders to face each other.”

Ralph: “Yoj betcha.”

Ed: “You know the Panthers and Lightning are facing each other during the playoffs.”

Ralph: “That’s great for Florida. If the Rangers were to face one of them, I would want the Panthers. That way, they can be near the fun and sun capital of the world.”

(Crowd cheers.)

Ed: “Some teams got all the luck. Why not our NY teams?”

Freddie: “Some teams need luck.”

Ralph: “That is right.”

(They all sing a song about teams needing luck.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!”

(Crowd cheers,)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Islanders beat the Carolina Hurricanes 3-2.)

(Ralph & Ed just watched the game At Fascination Bar & Grill.)

Ralph (yells): “YES THE ISLANDERS LIVE TO FIGHT ANOTHER DAY!”

Ed (yells): “WHAT A GREAT GAME.”

Ralph: “They faced the Hurricanes and beat them by overtime.”

Ed: “What a sweet victory.”

Ralph: “We are four victories away from the Rangers facing the Islanders in the playoffs. That is what ALL of New York City and ALL of the world wants.”

Man (yells): “ARE YOU SURE OF THAT YOU FAT BUM? I’M VOTING FOR THE HURRICANES.”

Ralph (yells): “HMMPH! AN IDIOT LIKE YOU WOULD VOTE FOR THE HURRICANES.”

Man (yells): “YOU CALLING ME AN IDIOT? LETS TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!”

Ralph (yells): “I CAN TAKE YOU ON IN A FIGHT SINCE I AM MUCH BIGGER THAN YOU. LETS GO.”

(Later on, Ed is accompanying Ralph who has got two black eyes, a swollen face and is limping.)

Ed: “What do you have to say Ralph? How did we know that he was in Mixed Martial Arts?”

Ralph: “I got a BIIIG mouth.”

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Rangers won the Eastern Conference Quarterfinals, 4 games to 0, by beating the Washington Capitals 4-2.)

(Ralph & Ed just watched the game upstairs.)

Ed (yells): “WHAT A GREAT GAME RALPH! BUT PLEASE DON’T JUMP. YOU WILL FALL THROUGH THE FLOOR.”

Ralph (yells): “I CAN’T HELP IT NORTON! WHAT A GREAT GAME!”

(Alice comes up.)

Alice: “Hello Ed! Ralph, I hope you don’t cause a ruckus,”

Ralph: “Alice, it’s my night to howl. The Rangers advanced and now will face the Islanders when they run the table and beat Carolina.”

Alice: “Oh Ralph. Do you know what the odds are of the Islanders winning? Slim.”

Raloh: “The Islanders are like me. They know how to successfully run the table.”

Alice: “No Ralph. You always EAT what’s on the table.”

Ralph: “Oh, you’re a riot Alice. A regular riot.”

Ed: “She may be right Ralph. I think the Islanders will have it tough.”

Ralph: “That shows you how much you know. I am always right.”

(Alice tries to speak.)

Ralph (yells): “DON’T SAY IT ALICE!”

Ed: “I think you should be realistic Ralph. After all, I hope you don’t get upset if the Islanders lose. With the way you re built, you may get a heart attack.”

Ralph (yells): “OKAY PUT ‘EM UP NORTON!”

(Ralph tries to fight Ed. Ed runs away. Alice tries to separate them.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Carolina Hurricanes won the Eastern Conference Quarterfinals, 4 games to 1, by beating the NY Islanders 6-3.)

(Ralph is moping at the kitchen table.)

(Ed comes down and blows his nose out of sadness.)

Ed: “What a bad game Ralph. The Islanders blew it.”

Ralph: “I’ll say that they did. Now NY is not going to get what it wants. An all NY matchup this post season.”

Ed: “At least the Hurricanes are going to get beat by the Rangers.”

Ralph: “You can say that again Norton. Those Hurricanes need to be punished. When we attend the games at MSG, how are people going to know that we are not pulling for the Hurricanes?”

Ed: “Just don’t open your mouth.”

Ralph: “Ooooooh, you are a real riot Norton.”

Ed: “Either way, regardless of who wins, we should be happy.”

Ralph: “Why?”

Ed: “Because since we bowl for the Hurricanes bowling team, we should always vote for the Hurricanes.”

Ralph (yells): “GEEEEEEEEET OUT!”

(Ed leaves.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Rangers beat the Carolina Hurricanes 4-3.)

(The boys come home. The girls are there.)

Ralph: “Hello Alice and Trixie. You should have seen MSG. It was rocking.”

Ed: “Those Rangers really showed the Hurricanes who is the boss.”

Ralph: “I agree. The Rangers have won five in a row.”

Ed: “They are punishing those Hurricanes for beating our Islanders. We could’ve had a Rangers/Islanders second round.”

Ralph: “Yes, too bad we couldn’t.”

Alice: “It must’ve been a great game.”

Trixie: “I just hope that you didn’t embarrass yourselves like you always do.”

Ralph: “We never embarrass ourselves in public.”

Trixie: “You don’t? How about when you got drunk and almost took your clothes off.”

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph: “What’s so funny?”

Ed: “I don’t think they want to see a big elephant naked.”

Ralph (yells): “GET OUT! GET OUT! GEEEEEET OUT!”

(The Nortons leave.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Time to introduce the cast. First Jean Kean.”

(Crowd cheers as Jean walks on stage and shakes Jackie’s hand.)

Jackie: “Audrey Meadows.”

(Crowd cheers as Jean walks on stage and shakes Jackie’s hand.)

Jackie: “And Art Carney.”

(Crowd cheers as Jean walks on stage and shakes Jackie’s hand.)

Jackie: “The Miami Beach crowds are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Rangers beat the Carolina Hurricanes 4-3.)

(The boys get on a NYC bus.)

Ralph (yells): “WHOOOOOOOOOOO! WHAT A GAME!”

Ed (yells): “YOU SAID IT RALPH-IE BOY! THE RANGERS NOW HAVE WON SIX POSTSEASON GAMES IN A ROW.”

Ralph: “I was so nervous that I couldn’t eat.”

Ed: “For you, that’s nervous.”

Ralph: “Now those Carolina Hurricanes are in real trouble especially since they beat our Islanders.”

Ed: “They are now experiencing a Hurricane. BTW, what was with that fan wearing a Hartford jersey?”

Ralph: “Because the Hurricanes used to play in Hartford.”

Ed: “I see. I guess Connecticut hated them too.”

(Ralph rolls his eyes.)

Ralph: “This is the 99th season for the Rangers and the 30th anniversary of their last Cup win. I remember being at that parade.”

Ed: “I wasn’t there but I heard it from up above. I heard that you made a scene. You went on the parade float that had the Cup and attempted to drink from it since you thought it had beer.”

(Everyone laughs. Ralph is embarrassed. The bus stops.)

Ralph (yells): “GET OUT! GET OUT! GEEEEEEEEEEEEEET OUT!”

(Ed leaves.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Rangers beat the Carolina Hurricanes 3-2.)

(Ralph & Ed just watched the game at the poolroom.)

Ed: “Boy, those Rangers are really proving those Hurricanes something.”

Ralph: “They certainly are Norton. One game away from a sweep.”

Ed: “When the Rangers win the cup, they can become the first undefeated NHL team to do it in the playoffs.”

Ralph: “That is right Norton. They could. Oh baby. That could be big Norton.”

Ed: “Yeah, bigger than your pants.”

(Harvey & George walk by.)

Harvey: “So I heard you two wise guys are thinking that the Rangers will go undefeated. I got news for you…so do we.”

Ralph: “Wow! We all think that the Rangers will go undefeated.”

(They sing a song about the Rangers going undefeated and in a twist. Ralph accidentally elbows Harvey. Harvey gets mad and Ralph & Ed in hilarious fashion, run out.)

(Jackie walks out. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Carolina Hurricanes beat the NY Rangers 4-3.)

(Ralph is shown sulking at the Kramden kitchen table.)

(Alice comes by.)

Alice: “Ralph, you got to snap out of it.”

Ralph: “You don’t understand Alice. I wanted the Rangers to become the first NHL team to win the Stanley Cup undefeated in the playoffs.”

Alice: “You know how hard that is Ralph. Four rounds with each being a best-of-seven series.”

(Ed comes down.)

Ed: “Whaddaya say you two?”

Alice: “Hello Ed.”

Ed: “I saw the game Ralph. You got to snap out of it. The Rangers are no longer unbeaten but they still have a great chance. You can’t deny that. You got to smile.”

Ralph: “Ok, I will smile.”

(Ralph “smiles.” Ed is to dumb to realize that it’s a fake smile.)

Ed: “I like to see that smile. That’s beautiful. Now, don’t think of today. Think of happier times. Think of earlier when it looked like the Rangers May go through the entire playoffs undefeated. That was great. I want you to keep smiling like that even if such a feat NEVER EVER HAPPENS. You got to smile. Smile. Smile…”

Ralph (yells): “GET OUT! GEEEEEEEET OUT!”

(Ed leaves.)

Ralph: “Somewhere Alice, there’s a straitjacket waiting for that man.”

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Thank you. The Miami Beach crowds are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!”

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Carolina Hurricanes beat the NY Rangers 4-1.)

(Ralph is having lunch at the Gotham Bus Company locker room.)

(Ed comes in.)

Ralph: “What a bad game Norton. It looks like the Rangers will blow it.”

Ed: “It looks that way Ralph. But, now the series is back to New York. Maybe the hometown fans will energize the Rangers.”

Ralph: “Maybe you are right. I want to be there to see the Rangers advance.”

Ed: “Log on to Ticketmaster.com and see if you can get tickets.”

Ralph: “I will. Get me your smartphone.”

(Ed does.)

(Ralph logs on and tries to buy the tickets.)

Ralph: “What do you know Norton. There are two tickets left. They are worth a fortune.”

Ed: “Let’s get them.”

Ralph: “I will.”

(Seconds later.)

Ralph: “My purchase was denied. Those two tickets were bought before me. Who bought them?”

(George Fenstablau comes in.)

George: “I just got the last two tickets to tomorrow’s Rangers game. I got them for Alice Kramden’s parents who are BIG Hurricanes fans.”

(Ralph is upset.)

Ed: “ Take a look at the bright side Ralph.” You can still watch the game at my apartment.”

Ralph (yells): “GET OUT! GEEEEEEEET OUT!”

(Ed leaves.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “The Miami Beach crowds are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Rangers won the Eastern Conference Semifinals, 4 games to 2, by beating the Carolina Hurricanes 5-3.)

(Ralph & Ed watched the game at the bowling alley.)

Ralph (yells): “WOW! WHAT A GAME NORTON!”

Ed (yells): “THE RANGERS CAME BACK AND BEAT THE HURRICANES.”

Ralph: “It looked like the Rangers would lose but they didn’t. They persevered and won. Now all they can do is wait for the Florida Panthers to win. I want the Rangers to play near that fun-and-Sun Capital of the World, Miami Beach.”

(Crowd cheers.)

Ed: “Now, if they played Boston that would be good too.”

Ralph: “You got that right. But, I want Florida to win just so the Rangers can experience Miami Beach.”

(Crowd cheers.)

Ralph: “But, I have a feeling that the Rangers will win it all. I can feel it.”

Ed: “So can I. But we got a feeling that the Rangers will win.”

(They both sing a song called: “I Got A Feeling That The Rangers Will Win” that is to the tune of “I Got A Feeling That Tonight Will Be A Good Night.”)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Thank you. As usual, the Miami Beach crowds are the BEST!”

(Crowd cheers.)