Rules For Entering Texas - Sitcoms Online Message Boards

Ags2000 · 09-10-2002, 05:10 PM

I just got this in an email and I thought it was pretty funny.

D

Rules For Entering Texas

1.Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. Let's get this straight.

2.We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow. That is, if your town even has a stop light, yellow flashing light, or just a stop sign! (lol hankypoo)

3.It's called a 'gravel road'. I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4.They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10, I-20 and I-40 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.

5.So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive three weeks a year.

6.So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7.Trucks are made to get dirty. Don't bring your Eddie Bauer Limited Edition to my huntin' camp and expect to leave clean on Sunday. It won't happen.

8.We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi, too. We got over it.

9.If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

10.Go ahead and bring your $800 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for that little 13-inch trout you fish for---bait.

11.Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, and crawdads. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

12.The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

13.Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you jack-slapped, by our women.

14.Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. Our women are some of the best looking in the country.

15.We open doors for women. That applies to everyone regardless of age!

16.No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

17.When we fill out a table there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices- salt, pepper, and Tabasco Sauce!

18.You bring "Coke" into my house it better be brown, wet, served over ice, and plenty of it!

19.You bring "Hooch" into my house it better have 4 legs, a tail, and have a nose for quail, dove, duck, teal, or pheasant.

20.You bring "Mary Jane" to my house she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

21.Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar, some lemon, and a long spoon.

22.That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid for that shot in the airport at New York, Boston, Chicago, or L.A.

23.High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

24.Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards- it spooks the fish.

25.Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come outa there with an education and a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.

26.We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so, "Don't Mess With Texas". If you do it will get your butt kicked by the best!

27.Our Military is only used as a back up. Per capita, each man, woman, and child owns at least two firearms and has taken a NRA Certified Shooter Education Course.

28.Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once said, "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas

Plata · 09-10-2002, 05:18 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Ags2000

Rules For Entering Texas

3.It's called a 'gravel road'. I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
6.So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

8.We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi, too. We got over it.

9.If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

11.Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, and crawdads. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

24.Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards- it spooks the fish.

25.Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come outa there with an education and a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.

I thought these ones were pretty funny.

Kay Scarpetta · 09-10-2002, 05:29 PM

29. Don't hit cows.

Chocoholic · 09-10-2002, 05:36 PM

I want to move to Texas now! I can't eat meat though. Digestive problems. Will they still accept me?

Ags2000 · 09-10-2002, 06:42 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by WingsFan
I want to move to Texas now! I can't eat meat though. Digestive problems. Will they still accept me?

Just don't tell anyone

D

*Marilyn Monroe* · 09-10-2002, 07:34 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Ags2000

Just don't tell anyone

D

LOL!! That's hilarious!

All of them are funny too. I think that "yes we wave to everyone in a pickup. It's called being friendly." or something along those lines. They do that here, too.

Janice · 09-10-2002, 08:05 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Ags2000

28.Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once said, "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas

LOL, I'd like to see them try.

Ags2000 · 09-11-2002, 12:53 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Kay Scarpetta
29. Don't hit cows.

Okay, since you brought that up, I have a cow joke.

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't the old cow was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of expensive wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other hand. He was smeared with lipstick and was smiling happily.

"What happened?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied: "I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the old cow!

D

Lynn · 09-11-2002, 02:38 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Ags2000

Okay, since you brought that up, I have a cow joke.

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't the old cow was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of expensive wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other hand. He was smeared with lipstick and was smiling happily.

"What happened?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied: "I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the old cow!

D

LOL Great one!

Kay Scarpetta · 09-11-2002, 07:00 AM

That's great D....

Chocoholic · 09-11-2002, 10:55 AM

Funny joke!

Warm & Fuzzy · 09-11-2002, 08:52 PM

And of course, we can't forget the fact that...
*chokes on my Snapple*
you pay TWO BUCKS FOR A MOVIE BEFORE 6PM!

Who has ever heard of a dollar-movie theater, anyway?!?

Ags2000 · 09-11-2002, 11:14 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Jo's the bomb
And of course, we can't forget the fact that...
*chokes on my Snapple*
you pay TWO BUCKS FOR A MOVIE BEFORE 6PM!

Who has ever heard of a dollar-movie theater, anyway?!?

Now hold up!!! It's not ALL of Texas that has those prices. I live in a small town, so the prices are cheaper. Go to Dallas or Austin or Houston, and they can get pretty expensive.

D

Warm & Fuzzy · 09-13-2002, 07:12 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Ags2000
Now hold up!!! It's not ALL of Texas that has those prices. I live in a small town, so the prices are cheaper. Go to Dallas or Austin or Houston, and they can get pretty expensive.

D

Such minor minor minor details.

09-10-2002, 05:10 PM	#1
Ags2000 Red 2/13/90 -1/5/06 Forum Veteran Join Date: May 02, 2001 Location: Candyland Posts: 5,544	Rules For Entering Texas I just got this in an email and I thought it was pretty funny. D Rules For Entering Texas 1.Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. Let's get this straight. 2.We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow. That is, if your town even has a stop light, yellow flashing light, or just a stop sign! (lol hankypoo) 3.It's called a 'gravel road'. I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 4.They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10, I-20 and I-40 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one. 5.So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive three weeks a year. 6.So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 7.Trucks are made to get dirty. Don't bring your Eddie Bauer Limited Edition to my huntin' camp and expect to leave clean on Sunday. It won't happen. 8.We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi, too. We got over it. 9.If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 10.Go ahead and bring your $800 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for that little 13-inch trout you fish for---bait. 11.Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, and crawdads. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 12.The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 13.Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you jack-slapped, by our women. 14.Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. Our women are some of the best looking in the country. 15.We open doors for women. That applies to everyone regardless of age! 16.No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. 17.When we fill out a table there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices- salt, pepper, and Tabasco Sauce! 18.You bring "Coke" into my house it better be brown, wet, served over ice, and plenty of it! 19.You bring "Hooch" into my house it better have 4 legs, a tail, and have a nose for quail, dove, duck, teal, or pheasant. 20.You bring "Mary Jane" to my house she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. 21.Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar, some lemon, and a long spoon. 22.That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid for that shot in the airport at New York, Boston, Chicago, or L.A. 23.High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. 24.Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards- it spooks the fish. 25.Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come outa there with an education and a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays. 26.We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so, "Don't Mess With Texas". If you do it will get your butt kicked by the best! 27.Our Military is only used as a back up. Per capita, each man, woman, and child owns at least two firearms and has taken a NRA Certified Shooter Education Course. 28.Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once said, "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas
	__________________ RIP Captain Lyle "Fish Stix" Gordon U.S. Marine Corps So this is how Liberty dies, with thunderous applause. -Senator Padme Amidala Can't wait until the 2016 change.

09-10-2002, 05:29 PM	#3
Kay Scarpetta Defy Gravity 8.26.05 Forum Superstar Join Date: Jul 04, 2001 Location: La Vie Boheme Posts: 28,013	29. Don't hit cows.
	__________________ The people who think they know everything about Broadway make me laugh. They've never seen a Broadway play in their life. "oh mi godddd RENT's a mooovie! lyke 525600 minuuuuuuutes!" No. To be a Broadway Freak, you must live, eat, sleep, study, devout, think, obsess, dream, believe Broadway. You must know original & revival casts, soundtracks, performance runs, dates, theatres, numbers, how many Tony Awards A Chorus Line won. You must be Broadway. That's right bitches. I AM Broadway.

09-11-2002, 08:52 PM	#12
Warm & Fuzzy Member Forum Fanatic Join Date: Feb 02, 2001 Posts: 10,254	And of course, we can't forget the fact that... chokes on my Snapple you pay TWO BUCKS FOR A MOVIE BEFORE 6PM! Who has ever heard of a dollar-movie theater, anyway?!?
	__________________ "To the world, you may be one person, but to one person, you may be the world." ~Unknown

09-10-2002, 05:36 PM	#4
Chocoholic Member Forum Star Join Date: Dec 01, 2000 Location: Between a rock and a hard place. Posts: 11,235	I want to move to Texas now! I can't eat meat though. Digestive problems. Will they still accept me?

09-11-2002, 07:00 AM	#10
Kay Scarpetta Defy Gravity 8.26.05 Forum Superstar Join Date: Jul 04, 2001 Location: La Vie Boheme Posts: 28,013	That's great D....

09-11-2002, 10:55 AM	#11
Chocoholic Member Forum Star Join Date: Dec 01, 2000 Location: Between a rock and a hard place. Posts: 11,235	Funny joke!