Ralph Kramden, a NY MLB fan (Part 1) (The SD Padres beat the NY Mets 7-1.) (2022)

[Frank Gannucci]

(Ralph and Ed just listened to the game on the radio in Ed’s apartment.)

Raloh: “Norton, it is bad enough that your TV broke but it’s worse that the Mets lost.”

Ed: “Yeah, that’s true Ralph especially since you broke the set by accident when you banged against the wall after the Padres scored the first time.”

Ralph (yells): “ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!”

Ed: “With this new wild card round, the Mets now have another chance to win.”

Raloh: “Yeah, that’s right. That’s good.”

Ed: “Hey, if the Padres lose, does the series go back to San Diego?”

Ralph: “I wonder. The Padres play at PetCo Park. You know PetCo is where the pets go. We should go there.”

Ed: “They should all pets especially service animals like a huge elephant.”

(Ralph rolls his eyes.)

Ralph: “Ed, I will pay for the set. We will watch the Mets win tomorrow.”

Garrity (from downstairs, yells): “HEY KRAMDEN, I HEARD THAT YOUR REACTION TO THE PADRES SCORING WAS A SMASHING SUCCESS.”

(Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): “GARRITY, WHY DONT I SMASH YOU?”

Garrity (from downstairs, yells): “THE METS WILL LOSE LIME FOOLS JUST LIKE YOU LOSE LIKE A FOOL.”

Ralph (yells): “I WILL NOT LOSE AND I AM NOT A FOOL.”

(Window accidentally falls on Ralph.)

Ralph (yells): “OWWWWWWWWWW!”

(Ed laughs as Ralph groans.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Thank you. Once again, the Miami Beach crowds are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(Ralph & Ed leave Citi Field.)

Ralph: “I’m telling you Norton. The Mets redeemed themselves after last night. They showed those Padres.”

Ed: “I agree Ralph. I love seeing the Mets home run apple come up all of those times.”

Ralph: “Those Padres think they are going to make bums out of the Mets. They have another guess coming.”

Ed: “I bet Garrity is pulling his hair out…or what’s left of it.”

(Both laugh.)

Ralph: “I would just love to see the expression on his face when a NY team wins the World Series. I sooo want to dance and rub it in his face.”

Ed: “And if that happens, he may knock you out.”

Ralph: “Oooooh, that would never happen. I’ll prove it to you.”

(Later that night, Ralph & Ed come home. Ralph has a big bruise on his head because he was KOed by Garrity.)

Ed: “Ralph, looks like you got proven wrong. I’m surprised that the floor didn’t cave in when you fell.”

Ralph (yells): “GET OUT! GET OUT! GEEEEEEEEEEET OUT!”

(Ed leaves.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The SD Padres won the NL Wild Card, 2 games to 1, by beating the NY Mets 6-0.)

(Ralph has his head down.)

(Ed comes down.)

Ed: “What a bloutz. 6 runs.”

Ralph: “Don’t remind me Norton.”

Ed: “Well, we all knew that only one team could be World Series champions.”

Ralph: “that’s true Norton.”

Ed: “The Yankees have a chance. On This Tuesday, the Yankees will start their playoff run.”

Ralph: “Yeah.”

Ed: “One good thing is the Red Sox arent in the playoffs.”

(Both laugh.)

Ed: “The Yankees have a big chance to win…and a chance for our beloved Yankees to lose. Especially after Aaron Judge broke the home run record. That is too bad.”

Ralph: “Don’t remind me Norton…but the Yankees have a chance.”

(They both sing a song about the Yankees having a chance. After that, the crowds cheer.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “The Miami Beach crowds are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!”

(Criwd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Yankees beat the Cleveland Guardians 4-1.)

(Ralph & Ed just got onto a bus.)

Ed: “Ralph, those Yankees really showed Cleveland who’s the boss.”

Ralph: “They sure did. Celeveland’s world title drought is going to live on.”

Ed: “They haven’t won a title since 1948.”

Ralph: “The second game isn’t going to happen until Thursday.”

Ed: “We will watch that game and cheer until our hearts content. Me and my fellow sewer workers would watch the game in our place of work but the tide keeps coming in.”

(Ralph rolls his eyes.)

Ralph: “Well we all know that the Yankees rock. Let’s sing Yankees Rock to the tune of Cleveland Rocks.”

(Later they get off the bus with black eyes.)

Ralph: “Boy, how did I know that this bus was full of Guardians fans.”

(They both walk home.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Once again, the Miami Beach crowds are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Cleveland Guardians beat the NY Yankees 4-2.)

(Ralph & Ed come home all upset.)

Ralph: “Boy, this burns me up. The Yankees had it Norton. They had Cleveland beat.”

Ed: “It was a dark, dark day.”

Ralph: “You are saying it Norton.”

Ed: “Now, the Yankees have got to win at Cleveland. That ain’t gonna be easy boy.”

Ralph: “That is so true. They have to play at Progressive Field.”

Ed: “There is one Cleveland fan who dresses in white and her name is either Flo or Stephanie.”

Ralph: “But unlike Cleveland, are Yankee Stadium doesn’t have a corporate name. We don’t need one.”

Ed: “That’s telling it like it is Ralph.”

Ralph: “Yes and the Yankees will rally.”

(They both sing a song about the Yankees rallying.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Thank you. Good night everyone.”

(Criwd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Cleveland Guardians beat the NY Yankees 6-5.)

(Ralph slams EDS TV on the floor in frustration.)

Ed: “Careful Ralph, I won that TV when I won the knuckle-knuckle tournament in the sewer.”

Ralph: “I’m sorry Norton. The Yankees BLEW IT. Now, they have to win games 4 & 5. They had it all and it slipped through their fingers.”

(Trixie comes in)

Trixie: “What happened? What was that noise?”

Ralph: “The Yankees lost Trixie.”

McGarrity (from outside, yells): “HEY KRAMDEN, YOUR YANKEES LOST AGAIN.”

(Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): “I could have pitched better than that. If I pitched, the mound would be my territory and that ball would have went places.”

McGarrity (from outside, yells): “YEAH, IT WOULD BE A HOME RUN.”

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph (yells): “OKAY NORTON, PUT ‘EM UP! PUT ‘EM UP!”

(Ed tries to run away. Trixie tries to calm them down.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Yankees beat the Cleveland Guardians 4-2.)

(Ralph & Ed just watched the game from the Kramden apartment.)

Ralph: “Boy Norton, can you imagine what it’s like for Cleveland knowing they have to go back to NY for a game 5. They will be so upset. Although, the Yankees should have won last night too.”

Ed: “I concur Ralph-ie boy. It’s time for the Yankees to advance and maybe play Houston.”

Ralph: “Maybe they will get revenge for what Houston did several years back. Stealing signs. Yankees should have won that series too.”

Ed: “Tonight, New York will be hopping. We should get tickets to that game.”

Ralph: “I heard a rumor that McGarrity will be at the stadium to cheer on the opposing team. Whoa boy! That loudmouth. Can you imagine a bigger loudmouth in this building than him? I wonder what other people would say is a bigger loudmouth in this building than him.”

Ed: “Some people will say you.”

Ralph: “I’m going to let that slide Norton.”

Ed: “The outcome of tomorrow’s series would be good if Cleveland wins too.”

Ralph: “What makes you say that?”

Ed: “I feel bad for them not winning a World Series in 74 years.”

Ralph (yells): “GET OUT! GEEEEEEEEEEET OUT!”

(Ed leaves.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Thank you. Once again, the Miami Beach crowds are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Yankees win the American League Divisional Series, 3 games to 2, by beating the Cleveland Guardians 5-1.)

(Ralph & Ed are walking up the stairs.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT A GREAT GAME NORTON!"

Ed (yells): "THAT WAS A WHOPPER!"

(They enter into the Kramden apartment. They greet the wives.)

Alice: "I bet you guys saw the game and liked it."

Ed: "Boy, did we ever. The game might have been rained out last night much to our chagrin, but the Sun came out today."

Ralph: "That is so true. Now, the Yankees are on their way to the American League Championship Series tomorrow to face Houston."

Ed: "Time for Karma to come ot Houston. Houston will have a problem."

(They all laugh.)

Trixie: "I heard that Cleveland hasn't won a World Series since 1948."

Ralph: "May that streak continue. I hope. Maybe they will break the Cubs record of 108 years without a title."

Ed: "Hey Ralph, time for us to go upstairs."

Ralph: "Ok. See you girls."

Wives: "See ya."

(The boys leave. They march up the stairs praising the Yankees.)

(They approach McGarrity's door and pace the hallway.)

Ralph & Ed (yells): "THE YANKEES RULE! HOUSTON WILL HAVE A PROBLEM. THE YANKEES RULE!"

(McGarrity opens the door and they have a loud fight. Cops come and when they break it up, Ralph goes to Alice.)

Alice: "Ralph, why did you have to say those things?"

Ralph: "Very simple. I have a BIIIIIG mouth."

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "Thank you. Time to introduce the cast. First. Jean Kean."

(Crowd cheers as Jean comes on stage and greets Jackie.)

Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."

(Crowd cheers as Audrey comes on stage and greets Jackie.)

Jackie: "Art Carney."

(Crowd cheers as Art comes on stage and greets Jackie.)

Jackie: "GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE."

[Frank Gannucci]

(Ralph & Ed just watched the game at a bar.)

Ralph: “What a horrendous game Norton.”

Ed: “Tell me about it Ralph. The Yankees blew it big time.”

Ralph: “Now the Yankees are at a disadvantage going into game 2.”

Ed: “And this time, Houston didn’t steal any signs.”

Ralph: “I wonder what cheating they will be accused of.”

Ed: “Maybe they will be accused of using a cork filled bat.”

Ralph: “Maybe. I would never use one of those.”

Ed: “You did in grade school.”

Ralph: “All right! All right! All right!”

Ed: “Ralph, I just know that Houston will go down badly in this series.”

Ralph: “I think you are right Norton. I think that they will lose the next four games.”

Ed: “No, I will think that they could lose game 2 badly and maybe win the next three.”

Ralph (yells): “GET OUT! GET OUT! GEEEEEET OUT!”

(Ed leaves.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(Ralph & Ed greet people at the bus company locker room.)

Man: “That was a bad game huh Ralph?”

Ralph: “Yes, the Yankees HAD A PROBLEM in Houston.”

Ed: “That is going to be all over when the Yankees beat Houston in the next four games. They can do it. Like I always say in the sewer: ‘I’m down but not out.’”

(Ralph rolls his eyes.)

(Joe Felnstablau comes by.)

Joe: “Hey you two. How much are you going to say that Houston cheated?”

Ralph: “I don’t know. I just want to see the Yankees win and humiliate Houston.”

Ed: “At least they didn’t steal any signs.”

Joe: “How about we all invite Yankee fans on our buses for free?”

Ed: “That sounds like a great idea.”

Ralph: “I wonder how Mr. Marshall will feel about that.”

Ed: “Call him on the phone.”

Ralph: “Ok. I will. He won’t dare say no.”

(Ralph goes to the phone and calls Mr. Marshall.)

Mr. Marshall (on phone): “Hello?”

Ralph: “Hello Mr. Marshall, it’s me Ralph. I got a proposition that you can’t say no too. Since the Yankees are doing so well in the playoffs, why don’t we invite all Yankee fans on our buses for free?”

Mr. Marshall (on phone, yells): “NOOOOOOO!”

(He hangs up. Ed laughs.)

Ralph (yells to Ed): “GEEEEEEEEET OUT!”

(Ed leaves.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(Ralph & Ed leave Yankee Stadium all dejected.)

Ed: “Ralph, it has been a dark, dark day.”

Ralph: “Wow! The Yankees have never been swept out of the playoffs and now it may happen. What a rotten way to end a great season.”

Ed: “I sadly May echo those words but look at the bright side. If the Yankees come back, they will have a ton of momentum.”

Ralph: “You are right Norton but what baseball team lost a series after winning the first three games?”

Ed: “The NY Yank…”

Ralph (interrupting, yells): “DON’T YOU DARE SAY IT.”

Ed: “But how good would it be if the reverse happened 18 years later? It would be big.”

Ralph: “Yes and maybe the Yankees will conquer the odds.”

(They sing a song about Yankees conquering the odds with fans dancing in the background.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!”

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Houston Astros won the ALCS, 4 games to 0, by beating the NY Yankees 6-5.)

(Ralph is pacing back and forth in the Kramden kitchen.)

Alice: "Ralph, I know how you must feel. I know how you wanted those Yankees to win and how upset it makes you feel that they got swept out. But, this team can use this experience to build a better future."

Ralph: "Alice, you don't know what this season was like? It wasn't supposed to end this way. Alice, the Yankees were supposed to win it all."

(Ed comes down.)

Ed: "Hello Ralph, today was a dark, dark day."

(Ed blows his nose out of sadness.)

Ed: "Now, we know that the Yankees got beat by a team that didn't cheat. They got beat by a team in four games. That has never happened to the Yankees before. This was such a heartbreaking season."

Ralph: "I couldn't agree more Norton. We needed that win. I thought that the Yankees would at least win one game. ONE game but they didn't."

Ed: "Maybe next year they will do better."

Ralph: "You are right Norton."

Ed: "Maybe next year, they will make the World Series and at least get to the game 7 but lose in the end after amassing a record number of wins."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT! GEEEEEEEEEEEEEET OUT!"

(Ed leaves.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "Thank you. The Miami Beach crowds are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

(Crowd cheers.)