A Honeymooners July 4th:

[Frank Gannucci]

(Ralph & Ed get together in the Kramden apartment.)

Ralph: "Norton, we all know that the Raccoon Lodge is havign a soap box derby event on July 4th. We are entering that contest by building our own car. I can just see that prize now. $500. I know how to win that prize."

Ed: "So do I."

Ralph: "By what?"

Ed: "By having the best car. Hahahaha."

Ralph: "Yes, that's the answer but only we know that. I got the blueprints for our car right here."

(Ralph shows Ed the blueprints.)

Ed: "Ralph, those aren't blueprints."

Ralph: "What do you mean?"

Ed: "Where's the blue?"

Ralph: "You stupe. When I say blueprints, I mean a diagram."

Ed: "Be clearer next time."

(Ralph rolls his eyes.)

Ralph: "Let's get going on this car. We will work on it on the roof of the building."

(They do. Days later, the girls are in the Kramden apartment.)

Trixie: "How are Bob The Builders doing?"

Alice: "We will know in a second."

(Ed accidentally hits Ralph's thumb with his hammer.)

Ralph (from upstairs, yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGH! YOU STUPID STUPE! YOU IDIOT! YOU HIT MY FINGER."

Ed (from upstairs, yells): "WELL, IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOUR THUMB IS AS BIG AS AN ELEPHANT."

(Alice closes the window.)

Alice: "I will be surprised if that soap box can hold Ralph's weight."

Trixie: "Me too."

(On the day of the race, they are up on a hill right by a pond. Ralph and Ed's soap box looks terrible even with the red, white and blue on it.)

Head Raccoon: "You all know that this race is open to ANYONE not just the Raccoons. We have a new entry here who has a mask on. Well, on yoru marks, get set, go."

(The Head Raccoon fires the gun. Ralph & Ed and the masked person are in the lead.)

Ralph (yells): "I CAN TASTE IT NOW. THE PRIZE IS OURS."

Ed (yells): "RALPH, GO TO THE LEFT. OTHERWISE, WE ARE GOING TO HIT THE MASKED PERSON."

(Ralph does. The soap box breaks and him and Ed fall into the water while the masked person wins. People gasp as Ralph & Ed resurface.)

Ralph (yells): "YOU STUPID MORON! YOU COST US THE RACE."

Ed (yells): "I WASN'T THE ONE WHO STEERED."

Head Raccoon: "The winner is the masked person."

(The masked person reveals themselves as Alice's Mother.)

Alice's Mom (stifling laughter): "Hello Sonny Boy!"

(Uncle Leo drops by.)

Uncle Leo: "Am I too late for the race?"

Alice's Mom: "You may be too late for the race but you are not too late to see my big, fat, loser of a son-in-law make a fool of himself."

(Ralph charges up the hill.)

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE A BLABBERMOUTH! GIVE ME THE PRIZE."

(They fight over the prize.)

(Jackie, still soaking wet, walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "Thank you. The Miami Beach crowds are the BEST!"

(Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "Time to introduce the cast. First: Jean Kean."

(Audience cheers as Jean Kean comes on stage.)

Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."

(Audience cheers as Audrey comes on stage.)

Jackie: "Art Carney."

(Audience cheers as Art comes on stage.)

Jackie: "The lady who played Alice's Mom, Ethel Owen."

(Audience cheers as Ethel comes on stage.)

Jackie (yells): "GOOD NIGHT!"

(Crowd cheers.)