Honeymooenrs Episode Reviews: "Head of The House" & "The Worry Wart":

[Frank Gannucci]

Honeymooenrs Episode Reviews: "Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Head of The House") & "The Worry Wart":

Episode #137 (Syndicated episode #27)
TV: Half-hour.
VCR: Attached to "Here Comes The Bride." On some tapes, it is attached to "Young Man With A Horn." On some tapes, it is attached to episodes #25-30 of the Classic 39. On some tapes, it is attached to "Dial J For Janitor", "The Bensonhurst Bomber", "Please Leave The Premises" & "Young Man With A Horn."
DVD: Attached to episodes #24 - #32 of the classic 39. On the HD Blu Ray set it is attached to episodes #25-#33 of the Classic 39 (including two versions of "Pardon My Glove" [one of which has the original sponsor ads], two versions of "Young Man With A Horn" [one of which has the original sponsor ads], two versions of "Trapped" [one of which has the original sponsor ads], two versions of "On Stage" [one of which has the original sponsor ads] & two versions of "Opportunity Knocks, But" [one of which has the original sponsor ads.]
Laserdisc: Attached to “Young At Heart”, “Here Comes The Bride”, “A Dog’s Life”, “Please Leave The Premises”, “Young Man With A Horn”, “Mama Loves Mambo”, “House Beautiful” (aka “Pardon My Glove”), “The Worry Wart”, Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large” (aka “Trapped”), “The Loudspeaker”, “On Stage”, “Opportunity Knocks, But” & “Unconventional Behavior.”
Air Date: 3/31/56

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Head of The House"):

This episode is one of two episodes that for some reason have been re-titled "Ralph's Big Mouth."

To see the script for this episode, click here: http://www.springfieldspringfield.co...episode=s04e27

Ralph and Ed are walking to their jobs. They walk into a questioning photographer from a newspaper. He interviews Ed. Q.P.: "Where do you live?" Ed: "I live in the Garden Spot of the World. Brooklyn, USA." Since this episode was taped in front of a New York crowd, the crowd applauds. He asks him who's the boss of the household and he says that he is and that any man who is afraid of his wife, isn't a man. Ed: "Now, don't quote me because if my wife reads that, she'll kill me." Ralph is convinced that he is afraid of Trixie and is not afraid to admit that in his house, he thinks that he is the boss of the household. He goes on and on about how he's the boss of the household. The Q.P. records Ralph's answers. He says that will type his answers in the evening paper tonight and takes a picture of Ralph. Ralph is still not afraid. The Q.P. leaves the scene. Ralph: "I'm a horse and you are a mouse Norton." Ed: "I rather be a live mouse than a dead horse." They leave.

At home, Ralph is trying his best to not let Alice read the evening paper because he doesn't like their editorial policy and because they cut out Little Orphan Annie. Ed comes down with the evening paper and shows it to Alice and abruptly gets kicked out by Ralph. Alice is mad. Alice: "Out of all the men that were given these questions, you were the only one to make a stupid comment like that." Ralph: "I was the only one stupid enough to make a stupid comment like that." Trixie comes down. She is upset that he kicked Ed out. Ralph is going upstairs to apologize and he will bring Ed down to celebrate the emancipation. He leaves. Since Ralph is planning to drink beer out of the container and if he does that, Ralph will get drunk out of his mind, Alice takes the beer out and replaces it with grape juice. The wives are convinced that their husbands won't know the difference. The husbands come down and start to drink the grape juice and think that they are drinking beer. The wives leave. As the scene goes on, Jackie and Art completely go against the script and decide to ad-lib the whole dialogue. They ad-libbed greatly and the people (except the audience) knew it and apparently were laughing hysterically because what Jackie and Art were ad-libbing was so funny. This was mentioned on The Honeymooners 50th Anniversary Celebration. One of the things that Jackie and Art ad-lib was a song entitled: "We have a dream" that is purposely sung badly since they knew that their characters were "drunk." Ralph & Ed fall asleep. The girls come back in. Trixie: "Alice, a toast to our husbands." Alice: "A toast, you can have them." The scene ends.

The next day in the bus depot locker room, every one of Ralph's co-workers are marveling at what Ralph said about being the head of the house. One of them says that he doesn't believe it. Ralph comes in and knows what's going on. Ed comes in. He & Ralph are going to have lunch together. One of the co-workers says that he doesn't believe what Ralph did and he will when he sees it. He makes a bet with Ralph saying that he can't prove that he's the boss of the household by ordering Alice too cook dinner for them and for having it ready when he walks in the Kramden's home. Ralph accepts the bet and tries to call Alice (who is at her mother's) on the pay phone. I think you can tell that even though the phone is attached to the wall, the bottom of it is not. Ralph gets Alice and abruptly orders her to come home and cook dinner. She hangs up. Ralph tells Norton of what just happened and they cook up a scheme. They will cook dinner for Ralph and his co-worker.

At home, the boys are cooking dinner. They are not doing a good job. Ralph puts the chicken in the oven and says, "I'll put it on full and it will cook in twice the time." He should have said "Half the time". That was a blooper. Another two things that go wrong is that the chicken ends up getting stunk onto Ralph's clothes and Ed puts in WAY to much rice in the pot and in the process the rice in the pot overflows and goes all over the stove and floor. Alice comes in and sees what the damage that Ralph and Ed did. Ralph explains the bet he made with his co-worker. Alice says that if he just asked her instead of ordering her to cook for him and his co-worker, this would have never happened. Ed leaves as Alice goes into the bedroom. The co-worker comes and sees that dinner isn't ready. He is ready to win the bet when Alice comes in and saves Ralph by lying to his co-worker about she was cooking the dinner when the stove went kabloey and if he came back tomorrow, when he comes in, she will give him the greatest dinner. He leaves. Ralph is appreciative of what Alice has done. He apologizes. They kiss and hug.

Episode #138 (Syndicated episode #28)
TV: Half-hour.
VCR: Attached to "A Matter of Life & Death." On some tapes, it is attached to "Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped.) On some tapes, it is attached to episodes #25-30 of the Classic 39.
DVD: Attached to episodes #24 - #32 of the classic 39 on disc 4. On the HD Blu Ray set it is attached to episodes #25-#33 of the Classic 39 (including two versions of "Pardon My Glove" [one of which has the original sponsor ads], two versions of "Young Man With A Horn" [one of which has the original sponsor ads], two versions of "Trapped" [one of which has the original sponsor ads], two versions of "On Stage" [one of which has the original sponsor ads] & two versions of "Opportunity Knocks, But" pone of which has the original sponsor ads] on disc 4.
Laserdisc: Attached to “Young At Heart”, “Here Comes The Bride”, “A Dog’s Life”, “Please Leave The Premises”, “Young Man With A Horn”, “Mama Loves Mambo”, “House Beautiful” (aka “Pardon My Glove”), “Head of The House” (aka “Ralph’s Big Mouth”), “Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large” (aka “Trapped”), “The Loudspeaker”, “On Stage”, “Opportunity Knocks, But” & “Unconventional Behavior” on disc 4.
Air Date: 4/7/56

"The Worry Wart":

I find it strange that they did an Income Tax episode with over a week ago before Income Tax Day with a new episode airing the following week.

To do this episode review, I am going to cut and paste the script that I found on sitcomsonline.com.

Episode Number: 107 Season Number: 4 First Aired: April 7, 1956

(Frank’s note: Actually this is episode is either 121 or 138 depending on the fact that all of the lost episodes that were written in the Honeymooners Lost Episodes DVD Booklet.)

Writer: Marvin Marx, Walter Stone

Director: Frank Satenstein

Staring: Jackie Gleason (Ralph Kramden) Audrey Meadows (Alice Kramden), Art Carney (Ed Norton), Joyce Randolph (Trixie Norton)

Guest Star: Warren Parker (Richard Puder)

Joyce Randolph (Trixie) is not present in this episode.

Scene #1:
(The Kramden's apartment. Enter Ed Norton.)

NORTON
Hey, Ralph. Oh, Ralph, in there. Ralphie Boy!

(Alice enters from the bedroom.)

ALICE
Hi, Ed.

NORTON
Oh. Oh, hi, Alice.

ALICE
Ralph isn't home yet.

NORTON
Oh, he's not home yet? Well, I tell you what I came by to see him about. You remember that last year when Ralph had those three tickets... the four tickets it was- to the World Series?

ALICE
- Yeah.

NORTON
You know, you and him took Trixie and me to the game. We had a good time and everything. Well, I felt that it was just about my time to reciprocate, and, uh, and, uh, well, do you a good deed. I, uh, was just wondering if you'd like to join us Sunday. We're going to Madison Square Garden.

ALICE
Oh, Madison Square Garden. What's playing there now?

NORTON
The Antique Show. Boy, I'm telling you, and I was lucky to get the tickets, too. Just fortunately, there's a friend of mine that, uh, that's a scalper. You know, those... oh, those tickets are harder to get; they're scarcer than hen's teeth.

ALICE
But, Ed, the Antique Show? Since when did you become so interested in antiques?

(They both sit down at the table)

NORTON
Oh, I've been interested in antiques quite a while. Sort of a hobby, you know? It eh, I came across it accidentally. I was, uh... well, I'll tell you how it happened. I was in the market for a dog, see? So I was looking in the paper, I'd seen this ad:...For sale, genuine four-legged Chippendale... So I sent away for it. And it came back a table. That's how it happened. What do you say? You wanna jern us Sunday?

ALICE
Well thanks for the invitation, Ed, but I don't have to go to Madison Square Garden to look at antiques. (Looks around apartment.)

NORTON
Oh, I dig ya, I dig ya, Alice. I know just what you're talking about. Well, look, just don't take this antique business too lightly, because if you've got some real genuine antiques here, they could be worth a fortune. Say, as a matter of fact, I tell you what I'll do. (Stands up.) I'll just look around here, examine a few of these pieces, free of charge, and let you know. You may have something here worth a lot of money.

ALICE
Well, go ahead, Ed, if you want to, (Stands up) but I doubt you'll find anything around here that's worth any money.

NORTON
Well, you...Ooooh... Oh! (Looking towards the icebox) Wait a minute now. Let's take that icebox. That is a very interesting piece.

ALICE
Look, Ed, eh, while you're looking around, would you excuse me? I got some things to do in the bedroom.

NORTON
Go right ahead. I'll examine the icebox and I'll eh give you a complete detailed report- when I'm through.

ALICE
- All right. (Exits to the bedroom)

NORTON
Yep. (Walks over to icebox and taps the top a few times) Uh, Alice, I'm not quite sure, but this could be early Ma and Pa Kettle. Yes, sir. (Looks inside icebox) I...Say, this is very interesting. (pulls out a turkey and puts it on top of the icebox) Yeah. I, uh...(Grabs a leg and starts eating it) I'm looking underneath the icebox now, Alice. (Kicks it a few times) Mmm, now I'm looking in back of the icebox. (Kicks it again) I'm examining the legs now, Alice.

(Ralph walks in while Ed is eating a turkey leg from the icebox. Ed notices.)

Dum da dum dum…All I hope is, when they do my life on Dragnet, they leave my name out to protect the innocent.

RALPH
You put that turkey back or they'll be doing your life on Medic. Alice, I'm home!

ALICE
Be right out, Ralph.

RALPH
Heh, look at this.

NORTON
What?

RALPH
Boy, this kills me. Bills, bills, bills. Why doesn't anybody send me a letter or something? Ah, there's a relief. Postcard. Wonder who it's from. Pretty sneaky, the gas company, to a send a bill on the back of a postcard.

NORTON
Oh, boy, that ain’t the worst of it. Now everybody in the building Knows what you're paying for your gas bill.

RALPH
What are you talking about?

NORTON
Mrs. Schwartz, that blabbermouth, she looks at all the postcards, and then yakety-yak-yaks all over the building.

RALPH
- You're kidding?

NORTON
- I'm not kidding. I know how much your gas bill is. 93 cents.

RALPH
- That's right.

NORTON
- See? Oh, by the way, Ralph, congratulations on that 93-cent gas bill. Mrs. Schwartz told me that you broke the all-time low gas bill record, set by the Kalyer brothers in 1931.

(Alice enters from the bedroom)

ALICE
Hiya, Ralph. (They hug)

RALPH
Hiya, honey.

ALICE
Sit down, honey, and I'll have your dinner on the table right away.

(Ralph sits down and Ed sits on his right)

RALPH
All right. Norton, uh, don't you have to go upstairs and have supper?

NORTON
I already ate.

RALPH
Well, aren't you gonna be a little uncomfortable, sitting here, watching Alice aid I eat?

NORTON
Oh thank you, Ralph. If you put it that way, I'll be glad to stay. All right, Alice, I'll have a little order of spaghetti and meatballs, light on the marinara, heavy on the shoot one with a feather and hold the mayo!

RALPH
I thought you already ate.

NORTON
Well, let's face it, Ralph. Dizzy Dean warms up in the bullpen before the game, but he still pitches.

ALICE
There's plenty of food, Ralph.

RALPH
Hey.

NORTON
What?

RALPH
Here's a little letter. (Alice puts down food for Ralph and Ed) I've been waiting for this from the Bureau of Internal Revenue, the Tax Department.

ALICE
Oh, yeah, I noticed that when I was bringing the mail up today.

RALPH
Oh, why didn't you tell me it was here? I've been waiting for this. Do you know what this is? My tax refund.

(Alice sits down with her plate on Ralph's left)

NORTON
Hey, hey, hey, how much you getting back, Ralph?

RALPH
Well, the way I figured it out, about $42. And it couldn't have come at a better time. I'm gonna blow this whole thing on two glorious weeks. Vacation, fishing at Fred's Landing. Isn't that gonna be fun, hon? I hope we get that same tent we had last year.

ALICE
That ought to be easy. Tell ‘em we want the one with the snake in it.

RALPH
Norton, I'm telling ya, you should've been with us. You would've died laughing. I thought I was gonna kill myself laughing, watching her run away from that snake. Ho-ho.

ALICE
How could you watch me? You ran way ahead of me."

(Ed laughs.)

RALPH (yells)
SHUT UP AND EAT YOUR SPHAGETTI

(Ralph opens the letter.)

RALPH
There's a letter but no check.

ALICE
Well, what did it say Ralph?

RALPH
"Dear Mr. Kramden, please report to Mr. Richard Putter of our office at 10a of the 21st." Huh? I wonder what he wants to see me about."

ALICE
I don't know."

NORTON
I never got one of those

ALICE
Well, it's nothing to get upset about Ralph. Tomorrow is the 21st.You will find out then.

(Frank's note: This episode was shown on April 20, 1955.)

RALPH
(Looking worried) Guess you're right. There's nothing to worry about.

ALICE
No, honey. Come on, eat your supper.

RALPH
Couldn't be anything important.

ALICE
Mm, sure it isn't.

RALPH
(Slams the table with his hand) …WHAT could they want with me for?! …

(Stands up, stares at letter)

ALICE
Ralph, you're building this whole thing up in your mind. It's probably nothing.

RALPH
Probably nothing? Probably nothing?! Look, Alice, if it was nothing, they would've sent me a letter saying... Dear Mr. Kramden, don't come down tomorrow. What do you mean nothing? This isn't the Girl Scouts you know. They don't want me down there to buy cookies. This is the United States Government, the Treasury Department. They don't want me down there to shake hands with the Secretary of the Treasury.

NORTON
You got any ketchup, Ralph?

RALPH
Huh? Uh...(Goes to icebox and gets ketchup, puts it down next to Norton) (Looking at Alice) what could I have done that's wrong?

ALICE
Listen, Ralph, I don't like to say this, but if you did anything wrong; it's your own fault.

RALPH
What do you mean, it's my fault? How can it be my fault if I did something wrong?

ALICE
You shouldn't have made out your own tax, Ralph. I told you to go down to the barber shop and get somebody to do it who knows how.

RALPH
Are you gonna start with the... I told you so's... Alice?

NORTON
(Interrupting Ralph) Hey, you got any piccalilli or chow-chow or something like that?

RALPH
(Walks over to icebox and gets a jar and puts in down next to Norton) Is that what you're gonna start with, the... I told you so's? Don't give me any...I told you so's... now, cause they're not gonna help me.

ALICE
Listen, Ralph, probably the only thing you did was deduct something that you shouldn't have. So now you have to pay tax on that deduction. They're just gonna take the money out of your refund.

RALPH
Oh, is that all they’re gonna do? They're just gonna take it out of my refund? It so happens, Alice that I was planning on that refund in its entirety. I need all of the refund, all $42. I can't afford to let any of the forty two go. I got to go down to Fred's Landing. I need $42. What am I gonna do if I haven't got enough money?

ALICE
We'll just have to cut down, Ralph. Tell Fred to give us a cheaper tent with a smaller snake.

RALPH
Oh...

NORTON
(Interrupting again) Got any bread, Ralph?

RALPH
Yes. (pushes Norton) Will you stop with the bread?!

(Norton and Alice stand up)

NORTON
What did I do?! What, what?!

RALPH
What's the matter with you? Can't you realize I'm in serious trouble? The government is investigating me.

NORTON
So, they're investigating. What are you getting excited about? Be calm, will ya? Be calm.

ALICE
- He's right Ralph.

NORTON
Don't fly off the handle. That's not getting ya anyplace.

RALPH
Maybe you're right.

NORTON
Take first things first.

RALPH
Right, thank you.

(They all sit back down)

NORTON
Now, the first thing was, you was getting me some bread. Where is it?

RALPH
Now! All right, Alice. Get in the bedroom, Alice! Get in the bedroom, cause I'm gonna kill him.

ALICE
- Ralph.

RALPH
- When I finish with you, there’ll be piccalilli all over Bensonhurst.

(All standing back up again)

ALICE
Ralph!

RALPH
Don't... Ralph... me! What, are you sticking up for him? Don't you realize how serious this is? They're investigating me.

ALICE
Ralph, being investigated is not the end of the world. You are not the first person who was ever investigated.

NORTON
You're darn right, the jails are full of them.

RALPH
All right. Norton, I'm gonna count to five. And when I get to five, you'd better be out that door. Now I'm gonna count.

NORTON
I'm not scared of you. If you could count, they wouldn't be investigating your taxes.

RALPH
Get out!

(Norton exits quickly. End scene)

SCENE #2(Kramden apartment. Ralph alone at table looking at a paper)

RALPH
Eight and five are thirteen...Thirteen and six are nineteen. Nineteen and two are twenty-one. Twenty-one and five are twenty-six. Twenty-three and twenty-nine...

(Alice enters from bedroom in her robe)

ALICE
- It is 2:00. Ralph, will you come to bed?

RALPH
- Shh! Twenty-nine aid four is 33. It is 2:00. Thirty-three and 2:00 is a qua... Alice, what are you tying to do to me? What are you tying to do to me? Do you want to see me go to jail?

ALICE
Ralph, you're letting this thing get the best of you. Now, will you stop worrying? Whatever it is you did wrong, Ralph, you'll find out tomorrow. And losing a night's sleep is not gonna to help the matter any.

RALPH
Oh, (Stands up) I suppose getting a night's sleep is gonna fix everything up fine. Sure, I'll go down there tomorrow aid they'll say, Mr. Kramden, did you get a good night's sleep? And I'll say... Sure...They'll say... well, that's fine, let’s call off the investigation...They're not interested in sleep. Their job is taxes. They're not gonna send me to jail for insomnia.

ALICE
They're not gonna send you to jail, Ralph.

RALPH
Oh listen to Chief Justice Alice Kramden. Boy, you know a lot about a lot of things tonight, don't you? You know about taxes, you know about sleep, you know about jail. You ought to go on The $64,000 Question. That's what you ought to go on, The $64,000 Question. You know what your category is? Everything!

ALICE
Ralph, I'm gonna make you a glass of nice, warm milk now. Maybe it'll make you drowsy and help you relax and then you'll be able to go to sleep. You haven't even read the evening paper yet, Ralph. (Goes over to dresser and gets the newspaper and puts it down on the table) Here, now you just sit down and look at the paper, and just try and forget about this investigation for a while.

RALPH
All right, sweetheart. (Sits down)

ALICE
That's fine. (Pats Ralph's arm to comfort him)

RALPH
Just have to relax, that's all. (picks up paper and starts reading) Right. Here's an item. Says that they're building a new highway in Tibet.

ALICE
Oh, really?

RALPH
It's going all the way from Tibet to Mongolia. Says it'll cut five hours out of the trip for everybody that's going there.

ALICE
Oh. That's wonder...

RALPH
(Interrupts Alice, slaps table and stands up) What do they want me down there for?!

ALICE
Ralph, will you get a hold of yourself?

(Ed Norton enters)

RALPH
Don't.-

NORTON
Hey, what's going on down here? All you're yelling and everything, you woke me up!

ALICE
- Oh...

NORTON
- Boy, what a...

ALICE
Ralph's still very upset bout this tax business.

NORTON
Boy, I, I, I tell ya, I 'm surprised at you, Ralph, carrying on the way you...So what if they're investigating your taxes? What can they do to you? Can the put you up n front of a firing squad?

RALPH
No, they can't.

NORTON
Can they push you over a cliff?

RALPH
(Sits down) No, they can't.

NORTON
Can they string you up there at the end of a rope?

RALPH
No, I guess they can't.

NORTON
All right, then. Nothing can happen to you. What possibly can happen to you? What are you worried for?

ALICE
He's right, Ralph. Now come on, let's go to bed. (Exits to bedroom)

RALPH
(Stands up) Thanks, pal. (Shakes Norton's hand)

NORTON
All right, now, just go in there and get a good night's sleep.

RALPH
All right. (Exits to bedroom)

NORTON
(yelling into bedroom door) The worst thing they could possibly do to you is send you to the federal pen.

(Ralph enters from bedroom very excited)

RALPH
What are you starting with that stuff for?! Now, look, will you go upstairs? I gotta sit down and figure out what kind of a mistake I made. I gotta have some answers for them tomorrow when I go down there. (Picks up newspaper and slams it on the table) Highways with Tibet! (Sits at table)

NORTON
Look, uh...maybe I can give you a little hand in this? I majored in arithmetic in vocational school.

RALPH
All right; see what you can make of this thing. I'll take any kind of help.

NORTON
(Sits down on Ralph's right) Let me see the form here….Uh, what is this amount here? One...1053622?

RALPH
What amount? One 0... That's no amount. That's my social security number.

NORTON
I thought maybe it was your weight.

RALPH
Now, would you tell me why I'd put my weight down on an income tax report?

NORTON
How should I know? You're the one there being investigated.

RALPH
Wait a minute. Look. Maybe I made a mistake on one of these business deductions. Now, you listen and if you think that I'm entitled to what I deducted, you let me know.

NORTON
- Go ahead.

RALPH
- If not, let me know that, too. Now, I took off the cost of my cleaning the uniform...

NORTON
Right.

RALPH
My union dues, my driver's license. Now, I took off $80 I spent entertaining Freddy Muller, you know, every time there was an opening for traffic manager.

NORTON
Yeah. Yeah. That's all, they’re all legitimate. I take off the same kind of things on my income tax eh, I take off my union dues eh, deductible, and I take off when I have my rubber boots vulcanized, I take off when I have my lunch box water-proofed, and uh I take off 25% off my rent when I use my apartment for business reasons.

RALPH
Business reasons? You work in a sewer. What possible business could you conduct, could you possibly write off in your apartment?

NORTON
I practice in the bathtub.

RALPH
You practice in the bathtub, and they're investigating my taxes.

NORTON
Look, they're probably not interested or, or, or, or... don't believe your deductions. What they're looking for is items that you didn't put down on the form. Mainly, unreported income.

RALPH
What do you mean unreported income? I only work for the bus company. I don't have any other jobs.

NORTON
Well, uh little other things that you forget to put down. You know, like...you got a tax book here? (Shuffles around papers on table and picks up a booklet) Yeah, this thing. Wait a minute. Let me look. (Thumbs through it mumbling)

RALPH
Come on with that thing! Bla, bla, bla. Bla, blo.

NORTON
Here we are, here....Examples of income that must be reported: Eh, salaries... well, we know that's okay. Uh, did you have any income from annuities, rents, mortgages or chattels?

RALPH
Chattels? What's a chattel?

NORTON
I don't know, I guess it means; did you make any money selling livestock?

RALPH
How can you think that I made any money selling livestock?

NORTON
All right, all right, so far, so good. Now here's the next item...income from interest on loans, bonds or bank accounts...

RALPH
You have to pay a tax on interest of bank accounts?

NORTON
Oh, sure, of course. You got to pay a tax on everything. It's income. Get your bank book.

(Ralph stands up, goes to dresser and pulls out the bankbook. He sits back down while reading it)

RALPH
75 dollars.

NORTON
Income on interest, bank account, $75.

RALPH
That's not the interest, that's the bank account! Interest comes to about $2.25.

NORTON
$2.25. (Writes it down) Now... income from tips, gratuities or bonuses...

RALPH
We didn't get any bonus this year. The boss gave us all a skinny chicken.

NORTON
Well, you, uh, got any idea what the skinny chicken was worth?

RALPH
About... $2.00, I guess.

NORTON
(Writing) One skinny chicken...$2.00...Now, then, eh, next is item, income from gambling winnings...

RALPH
You mean to tell me they tax gambling winnings?

NORTON
Sure, its income, ain’t it?

RALPH
Lets see, I won about $25 throughout the year playing pool.

NORTON
(writing) ...$25, shooting pool...

RALPH
Then I got that first prize over at Salvatore's Pizzeria.

NORTON
Yeah.

RALPH
High score on a pinball machine. They gave me that horse with the stomach in its clock. I mean the clock in its stomach. Let's see...

NORTON
That's a_

RALPH
-That was worth about $15.

NORTON
(writing) ...Uh horse with clock in stomach......$15.00...well, you see, now, these are the items that they're checking up on you. There's no doubt about that.

RALPH
Then there was that uh... the $5 I won at the Raccoon picnic, wining the three-legged race.

NORTON
(writing) ...Three-legged race, $5...

RALPH
Hey, wait a minute.

NORTON
What?

RALPH
Remember about six mouths ago, we had the all-night poker game?

NORTON
- Yeah.

RALPH
- I won $85.

NORTON
Eighty five dollars?!

RALPH
You think they could have found out about that?

NORTON
Boy, that's a large amount of money. Now, that's the kind of an item they’re really investigating ya for... (writes) $85.00...

RALPH
What can they do for me...you know, what can they do to me if I don't put this stuff down in my income tax?

NORTON
I don't know, maybe it's, maybe it's in the book here someplace.

RALPH
Let me see the book…. (Grabs book and thumbs through it) Here it is.

NORTON
What?

RALPH
"Penalty for failing to report income: All persons are required under this title to pay an estimated tax, or tax, or are required by this title, or by regulations made under authority thereof to make a return, other than a return, required under authority of Section 6015 or Section 6016, keep any records or supply any information and who willfully fails to pay such estimated tax, or tax, make such return, keep such records, or supply such information…."

NORTON
Boy, Ralph, it sounds like you are in trouble.

RALPH
Trouble? I don't even know what I'm talking about! What am I gonna do, Norton?

NORTON
Hey, wait a minute! When you get down there tomorrow, I got the idea. Stand on the 18th Amendment.

(Ralph stares at Ed and stands up. Ed stands up with him)

RALPH
Are you nuts or something? Stand on the 18th Amendment? You mean stand on the Fifth Amendment. The 18th Amendment was for prohibition.

NORTON
Well, that's just what I mean. Tell them you were drunk when you made out your taxes.

RALPH
You know what this means, Don't you, Norton? (Pointing towards the door and up)

NORTON
- Oh, yeah.

RALPH
- You know what it means.

NORTON
Sure!

(Norton exits)

RALPH
I was drunk when I made out my income taxes.

(Sits at table and looks at papers)

(End scene)

SCENE #3
(Scene opens inside the IRS office. Ralph enters hesitantly with Norton right behind him)

RALPH
(Looking around) There's nobody here. Do you think maybe they forgot about it?

NORTON
They don't forget about nothing. Just, let's sit down, try to relax. Be calm, don't be nervous.

(They both sit.)

RALPH
I want you to know, I appreciate you coming down with me.

NORTON
Do you think for one minute that I'd let you come down here by yourself in the state that you're in? Now just try to relax, be-be –be calm. Don't be nervous.

RALPH
I've been thinking it over. What am I worried about? What have I got to worry about?- I'm an American citizen.

NORTON
- Yep.

RALPH
Got my rights, I'm a taxpayer.

NORTON
If you were a taxpayer, you wouldn't be down here right now.

RALPH
Well, I'm telling you this, if they get anything out of me, it's not gonna be out of me that they get it. Let him find out. I'm not telling him anything. He wants to find out anything, let him find it out. I'll be no help to him. Just keep calm and cool. Calm and cool.

(Enter Mr. Puder from an adjoining office left of set.)

MR. PUDER
Mr. Kramden.

(Ralph and Norton both jump up frightened)

RALPH
Hey, there!

MR. PUDER
Which one of you men is Mr. Kramden?

RALPH
Hamina hamina hamina

NORTON
Uh, he's Kramden. I'm clean.

RALPH
Norton...

MR. PUDER
Just step over here, Mr. Kramden. (Sits down at his desk, left of set. Ralph and Ed walk over and stand near desk) Here we are. Ralph Kramden. Now, Mr. Kramden? (looking at Ralph and Ed)

RALPH
Abla-bla-ble

MR. PUDER
What did you say?

NORTON
No, that's just his way of uh, remaining calm and cool.

RALPH
No, it's, uh... I didn't do it. I didn't do it!

MR. PUDER
I know you didn't. I know you didn't do it. That's why we called you down here.

RALPH
Huh?

MR. PUDER
Your signature, Mr. Kramden. You didn't sign your tax form. Now, all you have to do is sign it right here, and then you can go.

RALPH
You mean, all I have to do is sign this and...I can go out and go home and there's nothing else?

MR. PUDER
That's all, Mr. Kramden.

RALPH
(Looks at Norton) Oh, baby…. (Leans over and signs paper) There you are.

MR. PUDER
Thank you very much, Mr. Kramden.

RALPH
Thank you. Good-bye.

MR. PUDER
- Good-bye.

RALPH
- Good-bye. (Backing out)

NORTON
Come on, Ralph.

RALPH
Bye! Heeh-heeh-he-he…

(Ralph and Norton exit then re-enter)

RALPH
I gotta tell ya something, Mr. Puder. I didn't put everything down on my income tax. Not because I didn't want ta put it down, I just didn't know that I was supposed to put it down. On account, I didn't ever have any of those things that he told me about (pointing at Norton), that I have to put down. I wouldn't cheat the government.

MR. PUDER
Cheat the government?

RALPH
Well, I... certainly not, I wouldn't cheat ‘em. But I just didn't know about these deductions. You know, for instance, there was the horse with the clock in its stomach. There was the skinny chicken. And there was the three-legged race at the Raccoon picnic. I didn't put any of that down. But I want to put it down now and I want to pay tax on all of it: The horse and the picnic and everything.

MR. PUDER
Well, that's very honest of you, Mr. Kramden.

RALPH
Thank you.

NORTON
Uh - uh, sir? I'd like to make a confession at this time. Uh, a few little items that I didn't put down on-on my income tax form. During the past fiscal year, I found three dollars that was floating by me in the sewer.

(Ralph hits Norton)

MR. PUDER
I want to thank both of you gentlemen. Now, you can list your additional uh income on this form here. Mail it in to me and I'll see that it goes on your record. (Hands Ralph a form)

RALPH
- Thank you very much.

MR. PUDER
- And I want to thank both of you gentlemen for your honesty. Thank you.

NORTON
Thank you, sir.

(Ralph and Ed start walking toward the door. Norton opens it and walks out. Before Ralph leaves he turns around to address Mr. Puder.)

RALPH
Just like you to understand, that Ralph Kramden will never be accused of not putting a horse down with a clock in its stomach.

(Ralph exits and closes door. Camera pans over to Mr. Puder who looks confused.)

THE END

Credit for the script for the "Worry Wart" goes to sitcomsonline.com/honeymooners.

Credit I think goes to (the original) Bill's 'Mooners Archives, eBay.com, tv.com, Honeymooners Lost Episodes Book, tvguide.com, honeymooners.net, Honeymooners Box Set booklet Honeymooners Lost Episodes DVD booklet, Wikipedia.org, Yahoo Groups You're A Riot! & Amazon.com.