Honeymooners Christmas episodes & more: (Part 1):

[Frank Gannucci]

Honeymooners Christmas episodes & more:

Because the Xmas season is upon us, I thought I would repost these. I am going to post these parts in two messages because this message board won't allow me to post it in one.

I splitted this into three parts because the last time I put these two messages into one (without the 1982 play) in 2010, the message was blank.

"Honeymooners Play At The Papermill Playhouse":

TV: Hasn't nor never will be seen on TV.
DVD: Ditto.

In 2011, it was revealed that the Honeymooners could be going to Broadway. Well, six years later, the musical made it's run at the Papermill Playhouse from Sept. '17- Oct. '17. Unlike the movie, so far the general consensus is...good. Joyce Randolph even made an appearance at the opening which is shocking because even though she is sadly the sole surviving star of the TV show she is also 93.

The musical hasn't made its way to Broadway just yet but it looks like it will in 2018. I managed to get the script of off Ebay. Here is the cast:

CAST:
Michael McGrath: Ralph Kramden
Michael Mastro: Ed Norton
Leslie Kritzer: Alice Kramden
Laura Bell Bundy: Trixie Norton
Lewis J. Stadlen: Old Man Faciamatta
(Finally, we get possibly the official spelling of Faciamatta.)

To see ChrisTv of sitcomsonline.com's review, click here:

http://www.sitcomsonline.com/boards/...d.php?t=366281

The play begins in the Kramden kitchen with Alice & Ralph. Ralph is looking to get a promotion. Ralph says that a man gets better and one day he's good enough to make all his dreams come true. Ralph looks at himself in the hand mirror. Alice looks at Ralph looking at him in the hand mirror. Alice: "That guy right there deserves a promotion." She tenderly kisses him on the cheek. Ralph says to himself that today's the day he will finally make it to the top. He sings a song called "Going Places."

Later on, the Gotham Bus Drivers are in the buses going through the traffic. They continue siging the song "Going Places." The row of lockers appears indicating that they are now in the company locker room. Ralph enters brimming with confidence. Davis, the driver says that Ralph is our new mid-town dispatcher. Ralph says that it is just a rumor and he doesn't celebrate on the strength of a rumor so he hands out cigars. Just like in "The Golfer." The secretary comes in and says that the boss will see Ralph now. Ralph follows the secretary. The drivers continue to say that Ralph will get the promotion. They are cocksure. Ralph comes back later and says that he didn't get it.

Later on, Ralph greets Norton at his sewer for lunch. He yells down the manhole for Norton. Ed says that he will come up. It is revealed that somehow the sewer workers are playing Bingo. Ed comes out. Ralph says that he didn't get the promotion. Ed: "Look at you, not even bitter." Ralph: "I guess I really didn't want the job. So why be bitter? They gave it to Davis." Ed: "Davis." Ralph: "That bum! I'm not going to be bitter." Ed: "Good for you." After a pause, Ralph says: "Whoa! I really wanted that job." Similar to the episode "Oportunity Knocks, But" right? Ralph says that he has been with the bus company for 15 years. Ed says that if he only had a few accidents, he would be Vice President by now. Ralph gets the newspaper. Ralph reads that a Madison Avenue ad agency is running a jingle contest! Ed will write the music and Ralph will write the lyrics. The product? Faciamatta's Mazzeroni. Ralph says coming up with lyrics is easy and asks Ed to give him words and he will find words that rhyme. He does. Ralph asks Ed to cough up $20 for a piano. Ralph than says that he hasn't told Alice about this yet. Ed: "Are you afraid of her?" Ralph says that he ain't. He sings a song "King of the Castle." Ed joins. After this, the shake hands in agreement.

In the Kramden apartment, a rented upright piano is shown. Ralph & Ed enter. An angry Alice enters. Alice: "Ralph, did you rent a piano?" Ralph: "Possibly." Alice crosses over to the piano and plays "Funeral March." Ed: "Hey, that song is great. All we need are the lyrics." Ralph says for Ed to keep quiet. Alice asks for this piano to be sent back. Ralph: "Now, wait a sceond sweetheart." Ed: "THat is a friendly way to talk to a peasant." Alice: "What is this, peasant stuff?" Ed: "Ralph is the King of the Castle. You are dealing with Richard the Lionhearted, who rules with an iron hand." Alice: "Well Ralph." A pause is heard. Alice: "Rule with an iron hand, oh Richard the Chickenhearted." Ed thinks that that line was funny. Just like the final seconds of the first scene in "Better Living Through TV." Ralph kicks Ed out. Ralph: "I got a piano for the gift of music. Music fills a home with joy, it fills it with love." Alice: "Did you enter a contest?" Ralph says that he did. He entered a jingle contest that pays $500. Alice thinks that it is a crazy contest. Ralph disagrees. Ralph says that with the money he will get Alice things. Alice says that he will never be able to until you stop trying to get me things because all the money you lose trying to get me things could actually get me things." The second edition of the Honeymooners Treasury book that came out in 1990 says that if Ralph & Ed didn't enter all those contests, Ralph would be able to get the life he always dreamed about. Ralph: "I don't understand. What happened to the sweet, unspoiled girl that I married Alice? The one that said: 'I will be happy to live in a tent with you.'" Alice: "I am still willing. I think that would be an improvement." Just like in "TV or Not TV." Ralph says that Alice will never live in a tent because there would be no room for the piano. Alice & Ralph sing a song called: "Eighty-Eight Keys." At the end, she marches out of the apartment. Ralph tries to follow her but Alice slams the door which smashes into his nose. He storms around the room in pain.

In the Norton apartment, Ed is watching Captain Video. Trixie enters from the bedroom wearing an EXTREMELY SEXY OUTFIT. She moves in front of the TV and shuts it off and poses. Trixie: "What do you think?" Ed: "New dress." Trixie: "Yes. I bought it to wear to my new audition." Ed asks what audition. Trixie mentions that she wants to sing and dance at the El Morocco nightclub. Ed forbids it. Trixie: "It pays $75 a week." Ed: "No wife of mine will work for $75 a week. I get paid $62 a week." Trixie mentions that this is something she really wanted to do. Ed says that this won't work. Trixie wonders what. Ed says: "Using your feminine wiles. Have they ever worked before?" Trixie: "Every time." Ed: "Makes sure to use them now then, sure." They move closer, lips almost touching, very romantic. Ed: "How does a girl that has been out of burlesque for years suddenly get a job at a classy joint like the El Morocco?" Trix says that she got the job due to an old friend who manages the joint. His name is Francois Renault. That was the man she dated before Ed. Trixie: "I chose you. I still remember how you came backstage after each performance and handed me a single white rose. Trixie: "That was my costume." This was also mentioned in the lost episode "Anniversary Gift." They sing a song called: "Irresistable." At the end, she throws her arms around him in delight and asks to bring the space helmet.

Very late at night, in the Kramden apartment, Ralph is pacing holding a pad and pencil. Ed sits at the piano, head down, asleep. Ralph wakes up Ed. Ralph: "I got something here. Play." Ed warms up in typical Ed fashion so Ralph finally smacks him on the shoulder. Ralph: "Will you come on!" Ed launches into "Swanee River." Ralph stops Ed and asks why does he play that before he gets into the tune. Ed says that he ahs to warm up. Just like in the episodes "$99,000 Answer" & "Songwriters." Ralph orders Ed to play the piano. Ralph (sings): "Try a taste of Faciamatta's Mazzeroni cheese, cheese that is as good as this doesn't grow on trees." Mrs. Manicotti's via her apartment asks him a question which is: "Will you call me a doctor when I jump out the window?" Ha! Ralph says that we will try to keep it down. Ralph (to Ed): "Play louder." Ed looks at the watch and says that he missed Milton Berle and asks what it would be like if there was a machine that let you record a TV show so you can watch it later. Ralph says that that is the worst idea he ever heard. Alice enters in her robe and slippers. She complains. She heads over to the ice box. Ralph blames Ed for not stopping him from marrying her. He than tries to find something that rhymes with mazzeroni. Alice: "Pepperoni, rigatoni, baloney." Ralph says for Ed to play. Ed warms up by playing Swanee River. Ralph sings some of the lyrics which include the words Alice said. He than asks Alice for her opinion. Alice: "That is the worst jingle I ever heard. Ralph: "It just bothers you, doesn't it? Just galls you that by this time next week, me and him will have our names in the paper." Alice: "So will I for killing you." Alice leaves. Ralph yells at her. He than sings his lyrics that has the words that Alice said again.

At the agency called Upshaw & Young, Bryce Bennett is shown. Allen Upshaw comes in. Bryce says that Allen coming in is a pleasant surprise. Allen: "I won the place. My name is on the door. It's Christmas. I figured I would drop in and say that you are doing a bad job. Got a call from Pepto Bismol yesterday and the ad campaign that you pitched to the head of Pepto Bismol made him sick to his stomach. Pepto Bismol. Ironic, don't you think?" He also got a call from Allstate and said that Bryce isn't in good hands. Allen says that when a creative director holds a job too long, he dries up. Bryce: "I have only been here for two months." They talk about Faciamatta;s Mazzeroni. They have a happy client who is old man Faciamatta. They said that the winners could play a key role when they take Faciamatta national in a few weeks. Bryce said that he has his eyes on two people and he says that he took them to lunch at "21." Allen says that he is almost sorry he called Bryce an idiot. Bryce said that he didn't. They argue. Allen says that a lot of guys around here would love to move into this office and they may stab you in the back but they'll be using my knife to do it. Allen heads to the door. He says that he is rooting for Bryce. Allen: "You believe that, don't you?" Bryce: "I do." Allen: "So did the last guy." Bryce asks his secretary to send that telegram to the contest winners now." The jingle singers come on and sing the song that Ralph wrote at the tale end of the last scene.

At the bus company locker room, Alice spots Ralph. She said that Ralph & Ed won the contest. She gives Ralph Bryce's number. They hug. Ralph asks her to go up to Ed's sewer on Madison Avenue and tell him. She nods but stands still because she loves to see Ralph happy. Alice: "I'm proud of you Ralph and I'm sorry for embarrassing you." She surprises him with a big kiss. People in the locker room stop their talking and look on. THey also see Alice leave. Ralph says that that girl is crazy about him. Ralph than says to Stanley and Freddie Muller that him and Norton won a jingle contest. They congratulate him. Ralph: "We wrote it for Facimatta's Mazzeroni." Stanley: "That goes great with pepperoni, rigatoni and baloney." Ralph just stares at him. Ralph goes to call Mr. Bennett. They show the lights coming on Bennett in his office. He is working at his desk. Mr. Bennett congratulates Ralph. Bennett asks Ralph if him and Norton ever worked on Madison Avenue. Ralph says yes and that Ed just started at the sewer on Thirty-Eighth Street. Bennett: "Oh, 'Wainwright and Sloan. I agree, that place IS a sewer." Bennett than offers Ralph & Ed $400 a week with an expense account and other benefits. Ralph coughs and than says he will talk about it with Ed." They hang up. Ralph tells the boys that after all these years, he finally made it. He is headed uptown. The guys cheer and than sing a song called "The Madison Avenue Line."

In the Kramden apartment, Ed Norton is carrying a small book and a bright red pin cushion. Ed turns on the radio and it is Johnny D of WNBC (the radio station, not the TV station of the same name. The radio station is now WFAN.) Johnny D plays "The Hucklebuck." Kay Starr is singing the song. Ed is dancing. Ralph comes in wearing a LOUD GOLF OUTFIT. Sadly, I don't think it's the one that was used in "The Golfer" which I think was also used in the color episode "Boy Next Door." Ralph turns it off. He crosses over to the kitchen table and picks up and old wooden driver. Ralph says that if we are going to be working on Madison Avenue, the boss may ask us to play golf. Ralph puts the ball on the ground. Then they try to follow the rules in the book on how to play golf. I think you can tell what is going to happen here. Ed Norton tries to show how to address the ball. Of course, he says: "Hello ball." Ralph slaps him on the back and tries to swing the club. He is in mid-swing when Alice & Trixie enter carrying groceries. Alice: "If there's ever a jingle contest for Bellevue, make sure you enter it." Ralph says that they are playing golf because they need to in their new jobs. They need to? Ralph says that him & Ed are now jingle writers from now on. Mrs. Manicotti's voice s heard saying: "Dear God, no." The girls disapprove. They want the boys to have their old jobs back. Ralph says that tomorrow, they are starting their new obs as jingle writers at the Upshaw & Young advertising agency. They show the girls the telegram. The girls are stunned. Ralph says that him and Ed are headed down to the Hong Kong Gardens and bringing back a feast. Ralph: "Now that I am a big executive, you can finally order shrimp with lobster sauce." Ed: "Boy oh boy, today's just one dream after another." Ralph: "Happy Alice." Alice forces a nod. Trixie: "Ed, "I'm just worried Ed that..." (she looks at his sweet look and than can't bring herself to say it): "...that now that you have an office with a phone, I will call you everyday." They leave for the restaurant. Ed says: "Ralph, would it be great if there was a phone that you can take wherever you go." Ralph: "That is the worst idea I ever heard." The girls than say that they are keeping their fingers crossed.

At the 23rd floor of Upshaw & Young, we see the colorful, ultra modern ad agency work floor. The execs and secretaries all sing "New On The Block." At the end, the music transitions to the conference room. According to my script, that was a whole scene. Here is the next one. Ralph & Ed sit down. A bunch of execs mill about. Bennett comes up behind them and puts his arms around them. He introduces him to them. Streb enters with Old Man Faciamatta. Old Man Faciamatta is a small, frail, eighty year-old Italian gentleman. Bryce introduces Old Man Faciamatta to them. Streb makes his way to an easel. Bryce says that Streb will be making the presentation. Streb: "According to our test marketing, demographic studies and focus groups..." Old Man Faciamatta interrupts by saying that he heard enough. Old Man Faciamatta: "I can always spot a Kraft cheese eater. Tell me; which Kraft cheese do you like the most?" Streb squeaks and looks down in shame. Old Man Faciamatta turns to Bryce and says: "This is who you choose for Faciamatta? You and me, in the alley right now, gonna slice you like a provolone." Bryce urges him to calm down. Old Man Faciamatta says that Ralph & Ed are Velveeta eaters and he is upset that these are the men who are supposed to sell my cheese. He than challenges Bryce to a fight in the Jersey swamp. Ed gets up and says that he loves Faciamatta's Mazzeroni and that he has been eating it sicne he was 5. He also says that there is one guy who eats more of it than him. The old man looks at Ralph. Ralph says: "Oh brother, if you weren't a client would you get yours. Now come back here, SIT DOWN and listen to this. He says that him and Ed love the cheese and that they wrote the winning jingle. Bryce says to the old man that he hired them. Ralph introduces both him and Ed. He says that they have only been in advertising for twenty minutes. The exes are all shocked by how little experience they have. The old man is very encouraged. They all sing a song called: "Infine La Felicita." At one point, they sing and dance on the table. That is one sturdy table.

In the El Morocco club, it is empty. A nervous Trixie is on stage with the El Morocco pianist who is Francois Renault who is a smooth Frenchman with an accent. Trixie says that she is nervous. She is not used to singing with her clothes on. Francois smiles warmly, takes a rose from the table and hands it to her. Trixie smiles and says my old costume. Francois wants her to relax. He moves closer. He says for her to not imagine an audience and just sing to him. Their faces are now inches apart. Francois says for her to let every note tell him that you love him. Trixie just stares at him. Francois is wondering what is wrong. Trixie is still nervous and asks him to step back a few feet which he does. They both sing a lovey-duvey song entitled "Time & Again." At the end, he kisses her full on the lips. She pulls back confused. They stare at each other for a moment. She turns and starts to leave. She is dazed by what just happened. Francois asks if they can start rehearsing tomorrow. Francois: "I want you to have your own production number. You'll be wonderful. Please say yes." Trix says no. Francois says yes. Trixie than says maybe. Francois than says yes. Than they both say yes. He turns and exits. Trixie than finishes the song "Time & Again."

In The Kramden apartment, Trixie is sitting alone at the table, clearly upset. Ralph enters. They greet each other. Trixie says that Alice is getting a few things down at Krausmeyers. Ralph asks about the audition. Trixie cries. She says she got the job. Ralph wonders why. Trixie says that Ralph won't understand. Trixie: "I will wait for Alice." Ralph: "Boy, you kill me. We're friends for years. If you got a problem, so do I. Maybe I can make you feel better." Trixie obliges but says that he can't tell anyone. She kissed another man. Ralph than asks Trixie if she flipped her lid. Trixie asks him what about making her feel better. Ralph: "That was before I knew what it was." Ralph says that him & Ed will find the guy and beat him up." Trixie says that he can't tell Ed. Ralph asks how he can keep this secret from him. Trixie says that it will break his heart. Ralph agrees. Ralph says that we both make mistakes. Ralph: "Every week, I come up with something new that Alice has to forgive me for." Alice comes in carrying groceries, takes a moment to reach a conclusion, ad shoots Ralph an angry look. Alice thinks that Ralph got Trixie upset. Trixie says that Ralph didn't say anything and that she is crying because she is just happy that she got the job. The girls hug. Trixie says that she will run upstairs and tells Ed. She leaves. Alice asks Ralph how did his first day go. Ralph says that they were dancing on the table. Ralph says that it won't be long before they start living in a Park Avenue apartment. Ralph sings a song called "Toast of The Town." The lighting changes and the Kramden apartment breaks away again, this time transforming into the Park Avenue penthouse, where glittering high society swells appear in formal wear. Ralph & Alice resume the song. Than there is a dance break. The sweels are announced by the butler who is actually bus driver Freddie Muller. Ralph & Alice disappear so they can make their grand entrance. The butler sings part of the song in which he introduces the Nortons. Ralph & Alice re-enter in tux and gown. The swells than sing part of the song with Ralph & Alice picking up their part. Than there is a dance break. The swells pick up their part. Than the song suddenly stops. The swells are dispirated and skeptical. Ralph: "What's going on?" Swell #1: "We've all seen this before." Swell #2: "We know how this ends." Ralph: "This is MY daydream." Swell #2: "Yeah, but we're the ones who gotta do the singing and dancing." Ralph asks Ed if he believes it. Ed says yes. Ralph asks Alice if she does. Alice asks if Ralph is sure. Ralph says that she can take this to the bank. The song resumes. After that, the curtain falls. It is the end of act one.

Intermission

In the Park Avenue penthouse, a person named Dylan Casey, a persnickety real estate agent, leads the Kramdens into the FURNISHED PENTHOUSE. It's exactly the same set as the end of Act One. Ralph looks around. Ralph: "Just like I pictured it." Dylan: "A classic eight with a full view of the city. Our tenants are carefully screened and enjoy the highest level of affluence." Ralph: "How about that Alice? When you're yelling out the window, you will have millionaires yelling back." Dylan and Alice cringe. Dylan says that the rent is $800 a month. Alice tries to talk Ralph out of it. Dylan exits. Alice says that the rent here is crazy. Ralph says that $800 is a mere bag of shells. Ralph: "The rent is high to keep out the riff-raff." Ralph is serious about movign to Park Avenue. Alice: "Then we are going to have a fight on Park Avenue." They both sing "To The Moon" during which Alice says that the reason why Ralph does the things he does is because he is over the moon for her." At the end of the song, Ralph says: "Baby, you're the greatest." Ralph bends Alice over with a big kiss.

We see the studio of Upshaw & Young which is Ralph & Ed's studio. Perry O' Brien, an accompanist, sits at an upright piano. Three female jingle singers study the arrangement. After a moment, they look up from the sheets. The singers say to Ed that the ad is great. One of them says what if Mr. Bennett doesn't like it. Ed says: "It's like a saying we had at my old job in the sewer. 'When the tides of life turn against you, and the current upsets your boat, don't waste those tears on what might have been. Just lay on your back and float.'" Ralph comes in. Ralph meets Pat O'Brien. Ralph asks Pat if he got it. Pat says except for the first part. Ralph than asks what do you mean. Pat plays the first few stanzas of Swanee River with the fanfare. Ralph, disgusted removes the page and slowly tears it in half. Pat sees the revised version. That sounds hysterical. An upbeat Mr. Bennett arrives. Mr. Bennett says that the ad will be shown during Calvacade of Stars. He hears the first verse of the jingle before saying that he has heard enough. He motions for the others to leave which they do. Ed says that he is going to get a quick bite to eat and head over to Trixie's debut. Ed says that wouldn't it be great if there were restaurants where you could drive through and get food without getting out of your car. Ralph thinks that that idea is dumb because of how careful those drivers would have to be to keep crashing into the tables. Ha! Ralph leaves. Mr. Bennett than says that he is not happy with the lyrics. He suggests breaking up the Kramden/Norton team and have Ed team up with one of his other lyricists. Ed says no. Mr. Bennett admires his loyalty but when things don't work out, you go to Plan B. Ed: "Is that the plan where Ralph gets stabbed in the back?" They both sing "You're One of Our Kind." After that, Mr. Bennett suggests going out for a drink and talk this further. Ed says that he has to see his wife's debut at the El Morocco tonight. Mr. Bennett (innocently): "Reeally....She must be very talented." Ed: "I'll let you know in a couple of hours." Ed says that Mr. Bennett can tag along. They are off.

Backstage at the El Morocco Club, an anxious Trixie peeks out at the crowd from the dressing area. Francois comes by and when he hears that Ed will be at the show, he gets a devilish smile. He heads off. In the showroom there is a packed place. Ed, Mr. Bennett and Alice are seated down front. Alice is tipsy, not drunk. Mr. Bennett says to Alice that he is glad that Ralph is on his team. Mr. Bennett: "Ralph is a major talent, gonna have a big career." Alice: "Never doubted it for a minute." Ed does a spit take. Alice claims that she has said to Ralph many times to rent a piano and write a jingle. Oh boy! A drumroll is heard. Trixie's production number begins backed up by the female El Morocco ensemble.She is in not much more than a bra and panties and puts on more clothes as the song progesses. Trixie and the girl sing "Keepin' It Warm." During which, there is a dance break. During the dance break, Francois enters smoking a cigarette. He watches Trixie. Trixie looksback at him uncomfortable as she reaches the foot of the stage. She looks nervously at Ed. Ed sees the interaction. He senses something is going on. The song continues. At the end, Mr. Bennett says that she is terrific and is sexy. Ed (still eyeing Francois): "Seems like you're not the only one who thinks so." Mr. Bennett says that she will be perfect for the number on Cavalcade. Ed agrees. Francois exits. Ed goes to tell Trixie the news. Backstage, our attention shifts as Trixie tries to walk past Francois and shoots a guilty glance. He stops her, takes her arm and moves in close. He complimented her on the song. Trixie says that she quits. She can't keep working here after what happened. Francois kisses her. She slaps him. Norton sees this. He punches Francois who falls to the floor. Trixie says that she let him kiss her. He is upset and leaves. She watches him go. Yes, in the play, Trixie does something wrong that upsets Ed.

On the streets of New York just outside the club, Ed is shown walking. He is upset. He sees a Salvation Army Santa along with other people. He sings a song called "Love Gone Down The Drain" during which sewer workers rise from the manholes. Seconds later, Ed sees them. All of them resume the song. Trixie appears off to the side, unaware of Norton. He spots her, smiles, approaches as a gentle melody begins to play softly in the background. There is fog as the lighting takes a dreamlike quality. Trixie: "I don't know you, do I?" Ed: "Not yet. This is a flashback. Its the day we met. I really enjoyed your performances tonight." Trixie: "You must really like burlesque." EdL :Actually, I only stayed for the Flugal Street sketch." Trixie: "That is my sketch." They introduce each other during which Trixie reveals her real name as Thelma. Ed finds something funny about that name. Trixie: "It's true. Not the right name for my line of work. I've been thinking about changing it; Lola, maybe Roxie..." Ed suggests Trixie. Trixie says that that is a wonderful name because it is sexy, naughty and perfect for a stripper. Ed: "It was my mom's nickname. My Dad gave it to her because Trixie brings him joy. He was a butcher." I guess he had that job either before or after he became a sewer worker because in the lost episode "Teamwork Beats The Clock", Ed says that his father worked in the sewer. Then again, there are lot of factual errors in The Honeymooners. Ed invites Trixie for roller skating, than ride the Cyclone at Coney Island and have a bite at Nathan's." Ed: "Then fifteen years later,..." (starts to cry): "...you can break my heart." Trixie promises not to do that. Francois appears .He kisses Trix on the cheek and puts her arms around her. Trixie says that is was nice meeting Ed. Trixie looks at Ed before Francois leads her away. Ed is sad. He resumes the song "Love Gone Down The Drain."

We see the Racoon Lodge. The sign reads Racoon Lodge with ONE "C." Many slightly inebriated members are shown. They are all in their Raccoon uniforms. They sing the Raccoon Hymn which is

From the fabled fields of Flatbush,
To the stoops of Bedford-Stuy,
From Gowanus Canal,
To The Fair Locale
Where Canarsie's swamplands lie,
Come ye denizens of Brooklyn,
Let us sing with hearts in tune,
We band together an'
Stand as bre-th-en
Of The brave Raccoon

They howl at the end. The Raccoon hymn is vastly different from the one that was sung during the Color Honeymooners. Morris Fink speaks. He recognizes the contributions that Ralph made to the lodge and presents him with a second tail. They howl again. Ed enters. He is still upset. He forces a smile when he greets Ralph. Ed congratulates Ralph. Ed says that Trixie was terrific. He took Bennett. He says that Bennett wants her to be the lead singer in the ad. Ralph says that that is fantastic. Ed says it would be if both of them weren't getting a divorce. Ralph: "A divorce? Just because one kiss?" Ed is stunned that Ralph knew. Ralph is caught. He utters: "Hamina - Hamina - Hamina." Yeah, this actually happened in the play. Ed is upset at Ralph for not telling him. Ralph said that he would if Trixie didn't swear him to secrecy. Ed says that his (Ralph's) lyrics stink. Ralph gets angry. Ed says that Mr. Bennett thinks that his lyrics stink too. Ralph: "Why you didn't tell me?" Ed says that Ralph is a stubborn man and trying to talk sense to him is a waste of time. Ralph challenges Ed to a fight. Morris sees this and steps in between. Ralph: "Just wait until tomorrow. Faciamatta will hear it and love it." Ed says that when hears those lyrics, Ralph won't be dancing on the table, he will be hiding under it. Morris Fink orders them to stop and shake hands. They don't. The Raccoons try to help by singing: "Come ye denizens of Brooklyn, in fraternal love, commune..." As they sing, Norton turns and exits. The Raccoons exit several at a time until one poor Raccoon is left there to sing the last line": "We band together an' stand as bre-the-ren of the brave Racoon. The last Racoon turns to find himself all alone. Off his expression;

On the streets of New York, Alice & Bennett stroll down the big city street, late at night. Their mood is festive, singing the melody and then the title lyric of "Keppin' It Worm." Alice wants to thank Bennett for walking her tot eh subway.They think that the Nortons are off somewhere celebrating. Alice thinks that Ralph and her will be celebrating soon. That, of course, makes Mr. Bennett uncomfy. Alice says that they even looked at an apartment on Park Avenue. Mr. Bennett asks her if that is what she wants. Mr. Bennett: "It's still apartment living. You will be stuck here in town." Alice starts to understand. Mr. Bennett says that she should stay put until Ralph really starts making the big money than she can be talking Riverdale or Westchester. Alice hits him with the purse. Alice suggests that Ralph will get sacked by Mr. Bennett. Mr. Bennett: "How did you find out?" Alice: "You got two faces and it's written all over both of them." After a pause, Alice (mockingly): "'Oh, Alice, he's so talented.' 'Oh, Alice, we're lucky to have him...'" Mr. Bennett: "And you believed me." Alice: "Something happened since then. I sobered up. Mr. Bennett says that he wishes he never met Alice. Mr. Bennett: "It just makes what I have to do that much harder." Alice says goodnight. Mr. Bennett: "It's downtown, the middle of the night." Alice: "I can take care of myself. I'm from Brooklyn." He exits. Alice sings "A Woman's Work."

Back at the Upshaw & Young studio, Ed paces as Ralph enters. They find themselves face to face near the accompanist. The mood is very chilly. The back-up singers are looking over the sheet music. Ralph addresses Ed as Mr. Norton and vice-versa. Trixie enters and says hello to the boys. Ed (without turning to her): "Trix, I would ask Ralph to tell you I'm not talking to you, but since I'm not talking to him either, I would ask that you withdraw your hello so as not to place me in an impossible position." The execs come by. Ralph & Ed sincerely wish each other good luck. Bennett, Upshaw, Old Man Faciamatta and Streb enter. Old Man Faciamatta is mesmerized by Trixie. Upshaw wants Bennett to speed this up since he's interviewing for the Creative Director's job in twenty minutes. Bennett says that that is his job. Upshaw says: "We'll see." Bennett presents Trixie Norton. She will be singing the spot. Ed notices that Faciamatta is lusting after Trixie and says that the Frenchman has some competition. Bennett asks the accompanist to play the song that will be used in the ad. The melody is Norton's, but the lyrics are completely different than Ralph's from the previous presentation. Once Ralph realizes this, he is mad. Norton realizes as well, looks at a self-satisfied Bennett. Facimatta liked it. He says Bennett dodged a bullet. Facimatta said to Ralph that he enjoyed Ralph's lyrics. Upshaw asks if he can take the happy client to lunch at "21?" Facimatta and Upshaw leave. Ralph turns to Bennett. He is steamed. Bennett says that it's quite common to use more than one writer on a project. Bennett: "I simply asked Mr. Streb to write some new lyrics that turned out better." Ralph turns to Norton and says: "You knew about this?" Ed says that this is the first time he heard those lyrics. Bennett says that everyone wins. Streb says that Ralph should be thanking him. Streb: "If Facimatta heard that garbage you wrote, you'd be back driving a bus tomorrow." Trixie says that he can't talk to Ralph like that. Bennett says that this business is not an easy one. Bennett: "It sometimes takes awhile before you...realize your full potential. Until that happens..." (with humility): "...it's to everyone's benefit if you simply collect your check and get out of the way." Ralph says that him, Trixie and Ed quit. Ralph starts to leave. Trixie follows but Ed stops her much to Ralph's chagrin. The Nortons are staying. Bennett says that a new writing team is born. Streb asks the Nortons out for steaks. Ed: "I would, but tonight's the night Ralph and I always..." (realizes): "...go bowling." Streb says that they are welcome to come if Ralph can't go bowling. They leave. Trixie wonders why Ed did what he did to Ralph. Ed says that he can't because he is not talking to Trixie. Trixie says that he loves Ed very much. Trixie says that she messed up. When she saw Francois at the audition, it was like when she was in the burlesque house years ago and for a moment, he made her feel like a kid again. Trixie says that the moment it happened, she knew that she never want to do it again. They both sing the reprise of "Time and Again." After that, Ed says that it was hard for him to break Ralph's heart but he had to look out for number 1...even if it costs me my best friend." Trixie: "Ed, do you think that Bennett hired me to keep you from walking out with Ralph?" Ed considers this and says that he hates this place.

In the Kramden apartment, Alice is in the kitchen. There is a loud scream from Ralph in the bedroom. He enters, shaking his hand. Ralph wonders what a mousetrap is doing by the bed. Ralph: "I thought we kept it by the sink." Alice: "I have one by the sink to." Ralph: "Two mousetraps? What are you showing off for?" Ralph is still mad at what Ed did. Alice says that what is really bothering Ralph is that they preferred Ed's talent to his." Ralph asks Alice is Ralph has been kidding himself?" Alice doesn't respond, but he can tell. Ralph: "Why didn't you say something? Can't something work out just once? I'm a mope. You picked a loser." Alice: "Is that so? You know, that day we got engaged, I kept asking myself if you'd ever make me regret it? You have at least once a day for the last 15 years. But I wouldn't have missed it for anything." They smile and kiss. Alice asks Ralph to throw his friendship away over pride. Ralph goes out to get some air. Ralph exits, direct segue to "I'll Miss the Guy."

On the streets of New York City with the bus depot on the left and the manhole is on the right. Ralph wonders across the street, takes a LONG moment to look at the entrance of the bus company. He smiles, sits down on the bus bench. Ralph sings "I'll Miss The Guy." Ed enters from the manhole and sings along. At the end of the song, Ed says that he is taking a stroll. Ralph says that he misses the bus company. Ed says that he is sure the company misses Ralph too. Ralph says that to not cry on the street because the sight of a grown man crying, it makes people comfortable. Ed says that the shouting is making him smile. Ed is he is sorry about what happened to Ralph. Ralph says that he understands. Ed says that he remembers when his parents gave him a bottle with the liquid you blow bubbles with. Ed says that he ran out, he was unhappy. His parents promised to buy him more but they never did. Ed said that that made him angry. Ralph says that he is happy for Ed. Ed says that Ralph never gave up on him and Ed says that he won't give up on Ralph. Ed: "You're gonna write a great lyric that Bennett has to use." Ralph says that he will head up to the tree at Rockefeller Center. Ralph than says that since the ad is going to be on the Christmas show, he says that he has a great idea for the lyrics. Ralph puts his arm around Ed. Music as we transition to...

The large "Cavalcade of Stars" set. The stage manager crosses in a hurry. The stage manager says that the Faciamatta spot is live in ten seconds. Bennett asks where is Ed. Streb says that he didn't show. He guesses that he is angry you rejected Kramden's new lyrics. Ralph says to Ed that we are never gonna get away with this. Ed says that there is nothing Bennett can do about it now. The stage manager says that they are live. The full set reveals Bethlehem: a manger, the Maji, the townsfolk and the entire Cavalcade Chorus all in period costumes. It's like a Radio City Christmas Spectacular gone wrong. The ad comes on. Trixie sings: "These three kings of Orient were bound for a party in Bethlehem." Bennett realizes that those are the Kramden lyrics. Trixie continues the commercial. Bennett and Streb realize there's been a switch. Their anger builds as Ralph & ED emerge from behind a costume rack, both give him the Italian gesture. Trixie resumes the ad which includes references to stories in the Bible as well as Jesus. Yes, religious references used in a Honeymooners storyline. The jingle and ad end. The announcer introduces the host of Cavalcade of Stars, Jackie Gleason for the last time on this episode of the show. Jackie thanks the crowd and says: "How sweet it is." He says that Gene Kelly, Phil Silvers and The Pastras Brothers are going to be on next week and says goodnight to everyone. Gleason's theme music plays as we return to the action backstage. Gleason has a conversation with the stage manager. An angry Bennett confronts Ralph & Ed. He is upset with them. Bennett: "You were two nobodies from Brooklyn before I got a hold of you." The mention of Brooklyn gets Gleason's attention. I should point out that Jackie was played by Michael Walters while Ralph was played by Michael McGrath. The two Michaels I'm sure aren't identical twins but I could be wrong. Bennett wonders how they can stab him in the back like that. Ed: "We learned from the best." Upshaw appears. He is quite happy. He's followed by Alice & Trixie. Bennett says that Ed made a big mistake changing the lyrics. You're through in advertising. You can spend the rest of your life living with the other trash back on Chauncey Street. Jackie: "Hey, I came from Chauncey Street." Bennett is horrified. Bennett introduces him to Jackie as the Creative Director from Upshaw & Young. Jackie fires him. So does Upshaw. Upshaw said that he approved the ad. Alice & Trixie come by. Alice says that she is the one who went around Bennett. Alice: "I knew that Ralph could write the best jingle ever and you wouldn't care. So, I barged in on your boss." Upshaw says that he is thinking about hiring Alice. Ed says to Ralph to make sure her salary isn't bigger than Ralph's. Upshaw says that Bennett that he lost his fastball. Instead of yelling at Ralph & Ed, he should have been trying to weasel a way to take credit for what they did. Bennett asks Upshaw to give him one more chance. Upshaw says yes. Upshaw asks Ralph & Ed if Bennett took them out to lunch at "21?" They so no so Upshaw fires Bennett and names Streb the Creative Director. Bennett says that they haven't heard the last of this. He storms off. Ed says that they have. Ed: "There's only one scene left and you're not in it." Yeah, the fourth wall was broken down. Streb says to Upshaw that Upshaw won't regret it. Streb leaves. Upshaw says that Streb will be gone by New Year's. Upshaw says that Ralph & Ed can work for him as long as you won't." Ralph: "Really?" Upshaw says no. He exits. Ralph says that up until a few weeks ago, him and Ed worked as a bus driver and sewer worker respectively. Gleason spots Art Carney. Art comes by. I should point out that Art was played by Jeff Schecter and Ed was played by Michael Mastro. Both actors I'm sure are not identical twins although I can be wrong. Jackie says that Ralph must be really something. Ralph says that he has smarts and is savvy. He is? Ralph says that he can tell Gleason stories. Jackie says that he loves to hear him. Ralph is stuck and embarrassed. Ed & the girls encourage Ralph to tell Jackie the stories but Ralph can't speak. Trixie mentions the story that he won the Bus Drivers Safety Award, but then crashed the car on the way to the ceremony. Didn't that happen in 1956, six years after the year this play was set (which was 1950)? Ed and Alice mention other stories that make Ralph look bad. Ralph says that his wife and his best friends are ganging up on him. Jackie: "It's a TV show." (to Carney): "These two guys. Their crazy schemes. their impossible dreams. You're Don Quixothe and Sancho Panza." Art says that that would make a great musical. Jackie gets annoyed. He speaks calmly to Carney that that is the worst idea he ever heard. Do you know how much a ticket to a Broadway musical costs these days? Who's gonna pay $4 to see that." My how times have changed. They all agree to call it "The Honeymooners." Gleason & Ralph sing "Baby, You're The Greatest." They don't hug and kiss each other though. Jackie says that his people will call his people.

On the streets of New York City, the Kramdens and Nortons are in high spirits. Alice says to the Nortons that they can go. Ralph says that him and Alice are gonna head back to Brooklyn. Ed: "This isn't a Brooklyn night. It's a night for the Copa, Toots Shor, the Stork Club." Trixie says that the ad was a smash. Ralph says that for them to go on because of three reasons. His friends have talent, my wife has brains and I got lucky. Me and Alice talked it over and I'm going back to the bus company. I can't come up with a jingle every week." Ed: "You can't do this to me. If you leave, I will be stuck with Streb." Ralph: "I hope that bum knows how lucky he is. You are going to be a success. Just keep Monday nights open for bowling." Ed says that he will. He will also keep open Friday nights when they play poker and Tuesdays when they shoot pool. Ralph: "And then there's the Copa, Toots Shor, and the Stork Club." Ralph gets a sad smile after a pause. Ralph: "Things are gonna change. You guys will be moving into town, living the high life and making classy friends." Ed says that he doesn't want classy friends. He wants Ralph. They shake hands. The girls hug. Ed thanks Ralph. Ralph suggests that Ed's idea for recording TV shows so you can watch them later might not be a bad idea. The Nortons leave. Alice says that she has everything she wants. She said that this "Honeymooners" thing can make them rich. Ralph wonders who would watch that? Alice says that a person who has one crazy idea after another just because he wants to give his wife the moon. She said that she will watch. Ralph says that he had a great idea once when he married her. It starts to snow. Ralph wishes Alice a Merry Christmas. He gives Alice her engagement ring that he couldn't buy her fifteen years ago. He also said that they are now going on a second honeymoon. They both sing the reprisal of "Baby, You're the Greatest." Old Man Faciamatta comes walking by. Music under. Old Man Faciamatta said that he heard that Ralph is quitting the ad agency. Old Man Faciamatta said that Ralph can work for him for double what you were making there. Alice faints. Ralph tries to revive Alice. She comes to and says: "I love a happy ending." Ralph: "Ending? This is only the beginning." They sing a song called: "Honeymooners." The stage snaps back into black and white. The lighting turns to TV static, then collapses down to a single white dot like when you turned off a TV set in the 50s. The curtain falls. End of show...or is it?...

After the ensemble and principals up through Bennett have taken their bows, the actor who played Gleason emerges in a smoking jacket with a cup of tea in his hand. Just like he did in his variety show most of the time, he bellows out the names of each of the actors with "Let's Welcome our Stars." Also, he says: "As always, the broadway audience is the greatest audience in the world." He said that even though Gleason said this about Miami Beach in the late 60s and 70s and said nothing like that in the 50s. Also, the actor said this even though the play was not played on broadway but in the Papermill Playhouse in Millburn, NJ. The four leads take their final bows and acknowledge the conductor then everyone sings a coda about success on Park Avenue.

Note to the people who made the Honeymooners movie in 2005: THIS is how you make a Honeymooners storyline in the 21st century. You have to do things like really research Honeymooners storylines from the past and Honeymooners quotes from the past. Not do research in snippets. Also, no one has criticized any of the people that were involved with the casting of the actors unlike in the Honeymooners movie. It's a real shame that this play will not be on DVD and/or TV and/or on the Internet. Maybe that will change.

[Frank Gannucci]

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[Frank Gannucci]

Bump

[Frank Gannucci]

Bump

[Frank Gannucci]

Bump